JAKEUNDONE

ByPenelopeWard

JAKEUNDONE

FirstKindleEdition,October2013

Copyright © 2013by

PenelopeWard

Allrightsreserved.Thisbookoranyportionthereofmaynotbereproducednorusedinany
mannerwhatsoeverwithouttheexpresswrittenpermissionofthepublisherexceptforuseof
briefquotationsinabookreview.

CoverbyRBADesigns.Stockphoto©Shutterstock.com

PROLOGUE

JAKE

Shelovedtopullonmylipring.Itwasherfavoritethingtodo.
“Ow…that’salittletoohard,baby,”Isaid.“You’renothin’buttrouble,youknowthat?”
Sheapparentlydidn’tlikethatcommentbecausethenshescratchedmeintheface.
“Damnit,girl!Thosenailsarelikeclaws.”
Shepulledmylipagainandstartedlaughingthistime.
Ilovedherlaugh.
Ismiledandshookmyhead.“That’sit.I’mdonewithyou.”
Shelaughedevenharder,anditwasinfectiousbecausenowIwaslaughingtoo.
“You’resocute.YouknowIcouldneverbedonewithyou,right?”
Ihuggedherhardandthenliftedherupasthesmellofshitwaftedthroughtheair.
“Aw,hell,girl.Whatdidyourmotherfeedyouthismorning?”
Myniecestartedgigglingagain,asifsheunderstoodme.Thatbellylaughwasmusictomyears.

Hollywasonlysixmonths,butIsworesheunderstoodeverythingIsaid.Ireachedoverforadiaperand
somewipesandbegantounwraptheload.

“Oooh,sowhateveryouhad,itwasgreen.Nice.”
Justthen,thephonerang,andIcouldseefromthecalleri.d.thatitwasAlex,oneofmy

engineeringstudypartners.Whythehellwashecalling?

Iheldupmyhands.“Staythere,Holly.Don’tmove,”Isaid,grabbingthecordlessphone.“Yo.”
“Jake,dude,wherethehellareyou?”
“I’mhomewatchingmysister’skid.What’sup?”
“DidyouforgetProfessorSarmamovedtheexamtothismorning?”
Iscratchedmyhead.“No,hedidn’t.HemovedittoTuesday.”
“TodayisTuesday.”
Therealizationthathewasrightsetin.“Oh,crap!”
Mysister,Allison,hadswitchedthebabysittingdayonmethisweek,anditscrewedmeallup.
“Fuck!”Iyelledintothephone.
“Youcanstillmakeithereintimeifyouhurry,”Alexsaid.
BeforeIhadachancetorespond,IlookedoveratHollyonthecouchandsawthatshehad

managedtotouchherassandgetpoopalloverherfingers.

“Codebrown,Alex.Igottago.”Ihungupthephoneandrushedovertothebabywhowasstill

smilingatme,happierthanapiginshit.

“Okay,sweetpea.ThatwasUncleJake’sfault.Wearegonnagetyoucleanandthenhightailit

outtahere.Icanstillmakethelasthalfhouroftheexamifwehurry.”

Hollysquealedindelightamidstthechaos.
Itookherovertothesink,holdingherwithonehandasIusedtheothertosprayherhandsand

bottomvigorouslywiththenozzle,addingsomedishwashingliquid.Thatmesswastoofargoneforbaby
wipes.

OncecleanedandsmellinglikePalmolive,Ibundledherupandproppedheronmychestinthe

carriermysisterleftme,grabbedthediaperbagandranoutthedoor.

Hollybouncedupanddown,asIrandownthestreettothetrainstation.
Weboardedthetrain,andthelooksandreactionsIgotfromtheyuppiepassengersweretypical.I

couldimaginewhattheywerethinking:Whoisthistattooed,piercedbastardwearingallblackcarrying
alittleinnocentpeanutinababycarrier?

IenvisionedAmberAlertsbeingcalledintotheBostonpolice.TheylookedatmeasifIwas

goingtofriggin’jumpthemwiththisbabyonmychest.Thosejudgmentalpeoplealwaysmademelaugh,
though.

Thetrainsuddenlystopped.Theconductorannouncedthattherewasasmallmechanicalissue

beingworkedonandthatwewouldbemovinginafewminutes.

Tenminutesandonebottleofformulalater,thetrainstartedmovingagain.
Ihadtotallyscrewedtodayup.IfIwerelucky,Iwouldcatchtheprofessorattheendoftheexam

andplaythesympathycardwithHollyintow.

WhenwegottoRugglesstation,itwaspouringout.IgrabbedaplasticWalmartbagoutofthe

blacktoteandputitontopofHolly’sheadlikeahat,carefulnottocoverherface.

Runningthroughpuddles,wefinallymadeittothebuilding.WhenIenteredtheclassroom,itwas

aghosttown.ProfessorSarmawasgone.Ihadmissedtheentireexamandcouldn’tevenpleadmycase.

Fuck.
Wemadeourwaybackoutside,anditwasnowrainingcatsanddogs.
Hollywasgigglingagainandstartedtohiccup.
Iadjustedtheplasticbagawayfromherface.“Whatareyoulaughingat?Huh?”
IlookedupandsawthatHollywasstaringstraightaheadatagirlwhowasspinningaroundand

dancingintherain.Everyoneelsearounduswasrunningforcover,butthisgirlwasstaringupatthesky,
lettingthewaterpourdownonherandrelishingeverymomentofit.Shecertainlydidn’tseemtocare
whowaslookingather.

Afterafewminutesofwatchingthisinamazement,wewalkedslowlytowardher.Thecloserwe

got,themoreexcitedHollybecame,flailingherarmsandlegsinthecarrier.

ShewasprobablyaNortheasternstudentandlookedaboutseventeenoreighteen,aroundmyage.

Shewaswearingalongflowingskirtthatspunaroundwithherandhadredcurlyhaircascadingdown
herback.Shewasprettydamncute.

Hereyeswereclosednowassheliftedherheadandopenedhermouthtodrinksomeofthe

fallingrain.Shedidn’tnoticemeasIstoodtheretakinginthesightofher.Shetwirledaroundagain
reachingherarmsouttoslaptheraindrops.

“Hey,”Ifinallysaid.
Thegirlstoppedshort,lookingstartled,openedhereyesandsmiled.“Oh…Hey.”
“Doyoualwaysdanceintherainlikethat?”
SheglanceddownatHolly.“DoyoualwayspickupbabiesatWalmart?”
Ilaughedandshookmyhead.“I’mJake,”Isaidholdingoutmyhand.
Shedidn’textendhers,butsmiled.“Jake,isthatyourbaby?”
“Nah,it’smyniece.Shehasatwinsisterwho’swiththeirgrandmother,butthisoneprefersme,so

Itakeheracoupleofmorningsaweek.Wehangsomysistercangetstuffdone.”

Hollywasreachingherfatlittlehandout,andthegirltookit.Shesmelledlikepatchouliand

whisperedsomethingtoHollythenstaredbackatme,butsaidnothing.

Iwasn’tentirelysurewhyIwasstillstandingthere,buttherewassomethingveryintriguingabout

her.Aguitarcasewaslyingonthegroundafewfeetaway,anditmademewonderifsheplayedor
studiedmusic.Iwasjustenjoyinglivinginthemomentwithherunderthefallingrain.

Finally,shelookeddownatmyarmsandsaid,“Ilikeyourtattoos.They’rehot.”
“Thanks.You’reprettyhotyourself,”Isaid.

“Youdon’tstrikemeasthebabysittingtype,Jake.”
“Yeah,well,thingsaren’talwayswhattheyseemonthesurface.”
Ihadnoideabackthenhowpropheticthatstatementwouldbecome…whenitcametoher.
Therewasarumbleofthunderinthedistance,andshefinallycrackedasmile.Then,camethe

threewordsthatwouldchangemylife.“Hi,I’mIvy.”

SIXYEARSLATER

CHAPTER1

NINA

“WelcometoBrooklyn,”mydriver,Reza,saidashehelpedmeoutoftheyellowcab.Hetookmy

bagsoutofthetrunk,andIhandedhimatip.

“Thanks.Itwasnicechatting,”Isaidbeforewatchinghimdriveaway,leavingmealonetoface

mynewlife.

Iwasn’tquitereadyforittobegin,soIstoodonthesidewalkstaringupattheagingbuildingthat

wasnowhomeascarsonthebusystreetspedby.

TheapartmentI’dbelivinginwiththreeroommatessatatopaGreekrestaurantcalledEleni’s,

andthesmelloflemon,garlicandgrillingchickensaturatedtheairoutside.

ThisneighborhoodwasnothinglikethesmallruraltownwhereIwasfrom,upstateintheHudson

Valley.Seriously,thiscouldbeanepisodeofMTV’sTheRealWorld:Countrybumpkinafraidoftrains
andcrowdsmovestoNewYork.Let’schroniclehertrialsandtribulationsandwatchinamusementas
thebigcityswallowsherupwholeandspitsherout.

Thevibewasdifferenthere,andIcouldimmediatelytelltherewouldbeloadsofculture.The

areaseemedcosmopolitanandsmalltownishatthesametimeandremindedmeofmovieslike
Goodfellas.Igotchillsbecauseeventhoughitscaredthedaylightsoutofme,ithadalwaysbeenmy
dreamtolivenearManhattan.BrooklynwasascloseasIwasgonnaget.

Itwasthemiddleoftheafternoon,soIwasprettysuremyroommates,whomIhadn’tevenmet

yet,wouldbeworking.Iwantedtotakethetimetogetacclimatedtotheapartmentalone,maybetakea
bath.

I’dbelivingwithmychildhoodfriendRyanandtwootherpeople:aguyandagirlwhosenamesI

didn’tevenknow.WhenIwasacceptedintoLongIslandUniversity’snursingprogramattheBrooklyn
campus,IimmediatelycontactedRyantoseeifhecouldhelpmefindanapartment.Itjustsohappened
thatoneofhisroommateshadrecentlymovedout,sothetimingwasperfect.

ThestepscreakedasImademywayupstairs.ThefaintsoundofawomanswearingwhenI

passedbythesecondfloormademewonderabouttheneighbors.

Ourapartmentwasonthethirdfloor,andIstruggledwiththekeybeforeslowlyopeningthedoor,

whichleadrightintothemainlivingarea.

ItwasnicerthanIhadexpected.Therewasasmallkitchenofftotheleft,andeverythingwasopen

concept.Ilookedaroundandnoticedhowhomeythelivingroomwas,withabrownsuedesectionalanda
multi-colored,knittedthrowontopthatlookedlikesomeone’sgrandmotherhadmadeit.Therewasa
brickwallthataddedcharacterandbuilt-inbookshelvesontheothersideoftheroomnexttoalarge
windowwithareadingnookthatletingeneroussunlight.Theapartmentsmelledlikecoffee,andthere
wassomeleftoverinapotonthekitchencounter.ItfeltlikeIwasinvadingsomeoneelse’shouse.Ihadto
remindmyselfthatthiswasmyhomenow.

Pastthelivingroom,thereweretwobedroomsoneachsideofthehallwayandabathroom

straightaheadattheend.Ryantoldmehewouldleavemyroomdooropenandtherewasastickynoteon
thefirstdoorontheleftthatsaid“Nina’sRoom.”Asmileyfacewasdrawnnexttomyname,which
immediatelygavemesomecomfortinanotherwisenerve-wrackingsituation.

Iwheeledmysuitcaseinsideandploppedtheduffelbagonthefullsizebed.Thewallswerea

palegray,andtherewerenowindows.Thisroomwasdefinitelygoingtoneedsomesprucingup,andI
couldn’twaittogoshoppingtomorrow.Iwastootiredtodaytodealwithredecorating.

IunzippedmysuitcaseandstartedtounpackwhenIsuddenlynoticedthatthereseemedtobelow

musiccomingfromoneofthebedrooms.Thedoorswereclosed,soIhadinitiallyassumednoonewas
home.Icrackedmybedroomdooropentolisteninandsuspecteditwascomingfromtheroomdiagonally
acrossatthefarendofthehallway.

Then,Iheardagirl’slaugheroverthemusic.Crap.Iwasn’treadytomeetanyone.Istayedstill,

wonderingwhetherIshouldjusthideinmyroomandpretendIwasn’thereorgoacrossthehalltosay
hello.

BeforeIcouldthinkitover,Iheardamalevoicemoaning.Then,thegirlmoanedtoo.
Shit.Theywerehavingsex.
Istayedstill,ponderingwhetherIshouldjustquietlysneakoutofthehouseandgoshoppingnow

insteadoftomorrow.Itwouldbeawkwardrunningintothem,iftheyknewIhadheardthem.

Aftertenminutesoftryingtoignorethebedsqueakingamidst“ohyeahs”and“aaahs”fromthe

veryvocalfemaleparticipant,Idecidedtohightailitoutofthere.

Iwaslingeringbehindtheentrancetomyroom,abouttomakemyexit,whenthedooracrossthe

hallabruptlyburstopenreleasingthesoundofmetalmusicandlaughter.Ifrozebehindthedoor,unableto
openorcloseitcompletely,forfearofbeingfoundout.SoIstayedstill,peekingthroughtheslightlyopen
crack.

AllIcouldseewerefeetpassbymyroom,butcouldn’tmakeoutfaces.Themalewastallwith

darkclothingandthefemalehadalargepurplerosetattooonherankle.

Theyweretalkingandlaughinginthelivingroomforafewminutes,andthenIheardsomekeys

andadoorslam.

Theapartmentthenturnedeerilysilent.Relieved,Iconcludedthattheyhadlefttogether.
Thankgoodnessthatwasover.
Ispenttherestoftheafternoonaloneinmyroomunpacking.Aftermyclotheswereputaway,I

meanderedouttothekitchentomakesomechamomileteaandrelaxwhileIgotaccustomedtomy
surroundings.AsIwaspouringtheboilingwater,Iheardthefrontdoorlatch.

“Neeners!”Ryanshoutedashenoticedmeinthekitchen.
Iplacedmyteaonthecounterandranovertomyoldfriend,hugginghimtightly.“Hey!Imadeit.”
“Youdid.Howwastheride?”heasked.
“Notbad,justacoupleofhoursbybusandItookacabhere.”
“Acab?Musthavebeenexpensive.Youdidn’twanttotakethesubwayfromthebusstation,huh?

Ifigured.”

Ilookeddownatmyfeet.“No,I’mnotthereyet.Ihavetoworkonthat.”
RyanhadknownmesinceIwastenandwasbestfriendswithmyolderbrother,Jimmy.Asa

result,hewaslikeabrothertometooandknewwaymorethanheshouldaboutme,notallofitgood.

Ryansighed.“So,we’restillnottakingsubways,notridinginelevators,notflying.Whatelseare

weafraidofthesedays?Ourownshadow?”

“Weareworkingonit,Ry…Itoldyou.”
Heshookhisheadandtappedmyshoulderlightly.“It’sonlygonnagetworse,Nina.”
Thetruthwas,asofthepastfewyears,irrationalfearshadstartedtorulemylife.Iavoided

certainsituationsliketheplagueandwouldgotogreatlengthsandinconveniencestodoso,liketakinga
businsteadofflyingfromNewYorktoTexastovisitmyfriendinHouston,ortakingthestairsinsteadof
theelevator.

Overtheyears,thesituationhadgottenprogressivelyworseandwasquiteparalyzing.Itkeptme

fromdoingthingsthatIwouldhaveloved,liketravelingtheworld.Acoupleofyearsago,atitsworst,I
hadstartedtodevelopafull-blownfearofleavingthehouse.Throughcognitivebehavioraltherapy,Iwas
abletoovercomemyagoraphobia.So,Ihadcomealongway,buttherewerestillalotofphobiasthat

remained.

Thisallstartedonedaywithapanicattackinhighschool.WewereonafieldtriptotheNew

YorkPublicLibrary,andafewclassmatesandIgotstuckinadarkelevator.Ihadbeguntohyperventilate
andthoughtIwasgoingtodie.Fifteenminuteslater,theelevatormoved,butthepost-traumaticstress
fromthatmomentstuck.Ihavegoneoutofmywayeversincetoavoidcrowds,subways,planes,heights,
enclosedspacesoranythingelsethatmademefeeltrapped.

“Howareyougoingtoworkinahospitalsomedayifyoucan’trideinanelevator,Nina?Areyou

gonnatellyourdyingpatientstopressfiveandfendforthemselveswhileyoutakethestairs?”

“Ry,I’llhaveitundercontrolbythen,okay?Iappreciateyourconcern,butIhavetodothingsin

myowntime.Fornow,IjustneedtofocusonschoolstartingMonday.”

“Okay,I’lllayoffyourcase…fornow.”
Irolledmyeyesandsmiled.“Muchappreciated.”
Ryanlookedaroundandgesturedwithopenarms.“So,howdoyouliketheplace?”
Thetruthwas,Iwasfeelingalittleanxiousaboutlivingawayfromhomeforthefirsttime,butI

putonabraveface.“Ilikeit.Myroomisalittledrabbutthat’snothingthatcan’tbefixed.”

Hestartedwalkingdownthehallandwavedformetofollowhim.“Comeon,letmeshowyou

around.”

“Asyouknow,thisfirstroomonthelefthereisnowyours,”hesaid,pointingtomyroom.
Inoddedandfollowedhimasheenteredthenextroomontheleftattheendofthehall,whichwas

justpastmine.

“Thisismyroom,”hesaid.
Ryan’sroomwasimmaculatewithneutralcolorsandnoclutter.Onhischestofdrawers,there

wasapictureofhimandmybrotherJimmyboatingontheHudsonRiver.Itmademesmiletoseethathe
haditdisplayed.Ipickedupthepictureandlookedaroundtheroom.“Wow,evertheneatfreak,as
always,Ry.”

“Indeed,Troll.”
“Iwaswonderinghowlongitwouldtakebeforethatoldnicknamecameout.”
RyanandJimmyalwaysteasedmegrowingup,becauseofmyresemblancetotheOlsentwins

fromthatoldshowFullHouse.Theycalledmethemissingtriplet.Thenamestartedoutas“‘Trolsen,”
whichstoodfor“Triplet”and“Olsen,”thenevolvedovertimeinto“Troll.”Eventhoughitwasmeantto
beatermofendearment,itbuggedmesometimes.Admittedly,withmypetitebuild,longdirtyblondhair
andverylargeblueeyes,Ididlooksomewhatlikethosecelebritytwins.

Ryansteppedoutofhisroom,andIfollowedhim.
“Okay,youmayneedtoputonsomesunglassesforthisone,”hesaidasheopenedthedooracross

thehall.

“This…isJake’sroom.”
Jake.Thesexroom.
Ifthisroomhadathemesong,itwouldbeWelcometotheJunglebyGunsN’Roses.Itwasa

completecontrasttoRyan’sbedroom.Itwassmoky,muskyandmysterious.Now,Iknewwhathemeant
aboutthesunglasses.Thewallswereaneonorange.Everythingelseintheroomwasblack:black
furniture,blackbeddingandablackwindowshadetokeepoutthelight,sincethisroomactuallyhada
window.

Itwaslikeeverycomponentoftheroomcontradictedanotherpart:neonorangeandblack,bright

windowwithadarkshade.Ontopofthat,therewasalargecollectionofgargoylefigurinesatopthe
dresser,butrightnexttothemwasablackandwhitepictureoftwoadorablelittlegirlswholooked
identical.Whoeverthisguywas,hewasanenigma.

“What’sJake’sdeal?”Iasked.

Ryanranhishandoverhisshortblondehairandlaughed.“Jake…howcouldIpossiblysumup

Jake?He’s…different.”

Ilaughed.“Whatdoyoumeandifferent?”
“Imean,he’scool…he’sjustalotofthings.You’llhavetomeethimtoknowwhatIamtalking

about.He’sfromBoston.Heprettymuchtakesoffandgoesbackthereeveryweekend.Idon’tknowwhat
hedoesthereorifhehassomesidebusinessorsomething.He’skindofsecretive.Iknowhisfamilylives
there.He’sclosetohisniecesapparently,”hesaidgesturingtothephoto.

“Whatdoeshedoforaliving?”
“Actually,it’ssickhowsmartheis.He’sanengineerforacompanyinthecity,andheprettymuch

canfixanythingthatbreaksinthehouse.Butwhenyouseehim,you’regonnabelike,‘he’sanengineer?’”

“Whatdoyoumean,whenIseehim?”
Ryangrinned.“He’sinteresting.”
“Okay.Whateveryousay.”
Ididn’tmentiontoRyanthatIhadalreadykindofgottenapreviewofmyownregardingJake’s

interests.IcouldneveradmitthatIwashidingbehindadoorlisteninginwhileJake“entertained”his
guest.

Ryanledmebackdownthehall,openingthedoorrightacrossfrommine.
“This…isTarah’sroom.”
Thiswasthebestbedroominthehouse.LikeJake’s,ithadawindow,butwaspaintedadelicate

lavender.Therewasabuilt-inwhitebookshelf,neatlyorganizedwithbooksandpicturesandtheroom
smelledlikefreshlaundry.ItlookedlikeapageoutofaPotteryBarncatalog.Thesunwasstreamingin,
andIwassowishingthiswasmyroom.

“So,what’sTarahlike?”
Ryanblushed.“She’sreallycool.”
“SheisnotwithJake,byanychance,isshe?”Iasked,thinkingabouttherendezvousIoverheard

earlier.

“Hellno!Whywouldyouaskthat?”hesnapped.
“Iwasjustwondering.”
“Trustme,thereisnothinggoingonbetweenTarahandJake.”
“Andthat’sbecause…?”
Ryan’sfaceturnedredagain,andhegavemealookthatansweredmyquestion.
“Tarah…andyou?”Iasked.
Hesmiled.“Yup.”
“Really…”
“Yeah,it’snew…sixweeksnow.Wait‘tilyoumeether.She’sawesome.”
“Nice,Ryan.Iamsohappyforyou.Butwhatifitdoesn’tworkout?Imean,you’reliving

together.Wouldn’tthatbeweird?”

“Probably.ButIcan’tworryaboutthatrightnow.”
“Well,Ican’twaittomeether.”
“Ithinkyoutwowillgetalongreallywell.She’sahaircoloristforasaloninthecity.She’s

workinguntilclosetonight,butsheshouldbehomearoundnine.”

Isuddenlyyawned,andthenmystomachgrowled.“Iamstarving,butIhaven’thadachanceto

foodshop.”

“Noneed.Let’sgodownstairstoEleni’s.Mytreat.PhenomenalGreekfood.”
“Iknow.Ismelleditonthewayinhere.”
AsRyanandIheadeddownstairs,Iheardthesameswearingfromtheapartmentbelowus.The

womanseemedtohaveaJamaicanaccent.

“Whatisupwiththeladyonthesecondfloor?”Iasked.
“Oh,youjustwait.Thatisjustanotherbenefitoflivinghere,Troll.IfItellyou,itwillruinit,”he

saidlaughing.

“Okay,Iamnotevengoingtoask.”

***

AfterafantasticdinnerofGreeksaladandchickenskewers,wereturnedtotheapartmenttohave

thebaklavapastrytheowner,Telly,gaveustowelcomemetotheneighborhood.Afterjustonemeal,I
alreadyknewIwouldneedtolimitmyEleni’sintake,orIwasgoingtogobrokeandgetfat.

IbrewedapotofcoffeeasRyangotouttheplates,andwereminiscedabouthighschool.
“So,Troll,noboyfriendatthemoment?”
Isighed.“No.Iwasseeingsomeoneathomeforafewweeks,butIjustwasn’tfeelingit.Then,

knowingIwasabouttomoveaway,Idecidedtobreakitoff.Itwasn’tworththeeffort.”

“Well,theycan’tallbelikeStuart,canthey?”
Stuartwasmyfirstboyfriendinhighschool.Hewassensitiveandsweetandtheconstantbuttof

JimmyandRyan’sjokes.

“Ugh…didyouhavetobringhimup?PoorStuart.Hewasawesome,though.”
Ryansnickered.“Hewasafriggin’girl.Stuartandhispaperbirds!Whatwasitheusedtodo?”
Igiggledrecallingthememory.“Aw,Stuartwasthesweetestthing.Heknewthecombinationto

mylocker,andhewouldcreatetheselittleornateorigamibirdsoutofconstructionpaper.Then,Iwould
unfoldthem,andtherewouldbetheselittlepoemsthatrhymedinsideeachone.Itwasromantic.”

Justthen,footstepscreptupbehindus,andadeepraspyvoicethatcutthroughmesaid,“Thatis…

theSTUPIDESTfuckingthingIhaveeverheard.”

WhenIturnedaround,theimmediatebutunwantedreactionmyinsidesfeltatthesightofhimtold

meIwasintrouble.

RealityShowSceneThree,enterstageleft:hotwomanizingroommate.
Then,camethethreewordsthatwouldchangemylife.“Hi,I’mJake.”

CHAPTER2

Jakestuckouthistattooed-coveredarmpromptingmetotakehishandandflashingasmilethat

couldonlybedescribedasdevilish.“YoumustbeNeenee,”hesaid.

Icoughednervously,andaweirdsoundcameoutofmymouththatIcouldn’tquiteidentify.It

mighthavebeenmybodysaying,Welllookeyhere,sheisn’tdeadfromthewaistdownafterall.

Hewasfreakingbeautiful.
“It’sNina,actually,”Isaidshakinghiscallousedhand,noticingasilverthumbring.Thewarmth

ofhisskininthebriefcontactdidn’tescapeme,nordidthefactthatmyhandlingeredlongerthanit
shouldhave.Itmighthavetrembled.

“Iknowyourname.I’mjustfuckingwithyou.”Heflashedawickedgrinandwinked.Mybody’s

reactiontothatmademequestionmyownsanity.

Hesmelledlikeamixtureofcigarettesandcologne,whichwasoddlyarousing.Hehadabrow

ringandabottomlipring,andhisincisorswereverypointedandsharp.Hiseyesweregreenwithgold
speckles,broughtoutevenfurtherbyhiscontrastingshortdarkhair.

Cometothinkofit,Jakewaslikeablackcat–gorgeous,butverylikelybadluckifitcrossed

yourpath.

“Nicetomeetyou,Jake.”
Heleanedagainstthekitchencounter,crossinghisarmsandgavemeaonce-overthatsenta

shiverdownmyspine.“So,whoisStuart,whyishemakingyouorigamibirdpoems,andwhocutoffhis
balls?”

Ilaughed.“Stuartwasmyboyfriendfreshmanyearofhighschool.Ryandecidedtobringhimup

nowfornogoodreason.”

“WhatbringsyoutoBrooklyn?”
“IstartnursingschoolonMonday.LongIslandUniversity.”
Jakescratchedhischin,sarcasticallypensive.“Isn’tthatinLongIsland?”
“No,there’saBrooklyncampus.It’sactuallynotfarfromtheapartment.”
Ryaninterjected.“Withyourfearofsubways,that’sagoodthing.”
IshotRyanadeathglare.
Great.HewasgoingtoembarrassmeinfrontofJake.
“What’sthis,now?”Jakeasked,liftinghisbrow.
“Thanks,alot,Ryan,”Isaid,seriouslypissed.
Hegavemeanapologeticlook.“Sorry.Itjustcameout.”
“It’snothing,”IsaidlookingatJake,wavingmyhand,hopinghe’ddropthesubject.
Jakecontinuedtostareatmequizzically.“Areyouseriouslyafraidofthesubwayorsomething?”
“She’safraidofeverything:planes,elevators,heights...”Ryanletoutafrustratedsigh.
Iwidenedmyeyesathimagain,thenlookedatJakeandshruggedmyshoulderstryingto

downplayit.“Ijustgetalittlenervousincrowded,containedplaces.That’sall.”

Jakenoddedslowlyinunderstanding.“It’slikeaphobia.So,placesthatmakeyoufeeltrapped?”
“Yeah,basically,”Isaid.
Jakesquintedatmeandseemedtobeexaminingmyfaceforthetruth.Hisexpressiondarkened

likehesomehowsawthroughmytryingtopassmyphobiasoffasnothing.Oureyeslocked,andIfeltan

inexplicableconnectiontohiminthatmomentthatwentbeyondjustphysicalattraction.

Hescratchedhischin.“Hmn.”
Suddenlyuncomfortable,Ichangedthesubjectimmediately.“Sowheredoyouwork?”
“I’manelectricalengineerforacompanyinthecity.Wedesignstadiumlighting.Andatnight,I

dance…atamalestripclub.”

Icouldn’ttell,butIwasprettysurethecolormusthavedrainedfrommyface.
“Seriously?”
“Yup.”
“Wow,”Isaid.
HelookedoveratRyan.“Youdidn’ttellhershewaslivingwithMagicFuckin’Mike?”
Ryanjustlaughed,gaugingmyreaction.
Jakelookedamusedandbithisbottomlip,histeethclickingagainsthislipring.Then,heletouta

gutturallaugh.“I’mjustfuckingwithyouagain.”

“You’renotastripper?”
Helaughedandshookhishead.“Ilikeyou.You’reaneasytarget.It’sgonnabefuntohaveyou

around.Bytheway,Ireallyamanengineer.MycubiclemateRajgetsprettypissedwhenItrytotakeoff
myclothesandgivehimalapdance,soIstoppedstrippingalongtimeago,”hejoked.

That’sadamnshame.
Jeez,wherewasthiscomingfrom?
Icouldn’tbelievehowgullibleIwassometimes,butthenagain,whywouldn’tIhavebelieved

him?Withhisoverallstatureandthewayhisblackhoodiehuggedhisclearlydefinedchest,hisbody
couldcertainlypassforthatofastripper.Plus,Ididn’tknowhimfromAdam.WhatIdidknowwasthat
Jakewasaball-busteranddidnotappeartobethetypeofguyIshouldbeattractedto.Oratleast,that
wasmyfirstimpressionofhim.

Ilookeddownagainatthevariouscoloredtattoosonhisrightforearm.Onhisleft,therewasjust

alonedragon.Iwonderedwhatelsewasunderneathhisclothing.

Hewalkedovertotheothersideofthekitchen,pickedupabananaoutofapileofabouttwenty,

peeleditandatetheentirefirsthalfinonebitewhilstlookingrightatme,grinning.

Ryanlaughed.“Iforgottomention,that’sJake’sbushelofbananasoverthere.Wethinkheispart

human,partmonkey.”

IlookedatJake.“Youlikebananas,huh?”
Stillchewing,Jakesaid,“Damnstraight,Ido.Ifuckin’love‘em.Mmm.”Hetooktheotherhalfof

thebananaandstuffedthewholethingintohismouth,gesturingtomewiththepeel,hismouthfull.“Wa-
wan?”

“Huh?”
“Wantone?”hesaidmoreclearly.
Iheldmyhandout.“No,thanks.I’mgood.”
Stillchewing,hecontinuedlookingatme,andmyheartfluttered.
Ryanbroketheuncomfortablesilence.“ItoldyouJakewasinteresting.”
IwatchedasJakeslowlylickedhislipsafterfinishingthebanana.Heisinterestingalright.
Thefrontdoorthenopened,andinwalkedacutegirlwithshortblackhairinapixiecut.
RealityShowSceneFour,enterstageright:instantbestfriend.
Shewaswearinganadorableblueshiftdressandimmediatelydroppedherpursethatwas

practicallylargerthanshewas,walkedovertoRyanandplantedakissonhislips.

“Hey,babe,”Ryansaidandthenturnedtome.“ThisisNina.NinameetTarah.”
Shestartledmewhensheimmediatelypulledmeintoahug.“Ihaveheardsomuchaboutyou,

Nina.Ihavebeenwaitingforyou!Iamoutnumberedhere.Youdidn’ttellmehowprettyshewas,Ryan.”

“Aw,thanks…likewise,”Isaid.“It’sreallynicetoknowIwon’tbetheonlyfemaleinthehouse.”
Tarahhadalmond-shapedlightbrowneyes,defined,thickeyebrowsandfulllips.Shewaspetite

withsmootholiveskin,andIcouldtotallyseewhatRyansawinher.Iwascuriousabouthernationality,
soIaskedher.

“CanIask…areyouItalian…Spanish?”
“No,actually,I’mPersian.MyfamilyisfromIran.”
“Ah,Iknewitwassomethinglikethat.Youhaveaveryexoticlook.”
TarahsmiledandRyansaid.“Yeah,whereNinaandIcomefrom,therearetwoethnicities:white

andpastywhite.”

Wealllaughed,andthenInoticedJakewalkingbackdownthehalltohisroom.Iwasoddly

disappointedbyhissuddenretreat.

Tarahimmediatelystartedplayingwithmyhair.
“Whodoesyourhighlights?”
“Noone.Thisismynaturalcolor.”
“Seriously?Youaresolucky,girl.Doyouknowhowmuchmoneypeoplehavetopaymetoget

highlightsthatlooklikethis?”

“Well,it’sagoodthingIdon’thavetopayforit.I’mgonnabeprettybrokethisyearsinceIam

goingtotrytonotworkandjustfocusonschoolfull-time.”

“Nursing,right?That’sprobablyaprettytoughcurriculum.”
“Itis.So,themorefocusonschoolthebetter.Ihaveenoughmoneysavedtojustaboutpaymyrent

andfoodfortheyear.”

“Well,ifyoueverneedanything,youletmeknow,okay?”Tarahsaid.
“That’sreallysweetofyou.Thanks.”
Shehadkindeyes,andIcouldtellweweregoingtobegoodfriends.
RyannudgedTarah,kissedherforeheadandlookedatme.“Itoldyoushewasawesome.”
ItwasobviousthatRyanhaditbad.Feelinglikeathirdwheelallofasudden,Iexcusedmyselfto

gofinishunpacking,eventhoughIhadalreadyputmostofmystuffawayearlier.

“I’llcomesaygoodnightlater,”TarahsaidasIwavedtoher.
WhenIgottomyroom,Iturnedontheonlylight,asmalllamp,andlaydownonthebed,staringat

theceiling.Ithadbeenalongday,andeventhoughIshouldhavebeenresting,mymindkeptracing.

Idecidedtotakeashower.Gatheringallofmytoiletriesandplacingtheminacaddy,Igrabbed

myrobeandwalkeddownthehalltothebathroom.

ThesoundofsomekindofalternativemusicwascomingfromJake’sroom,butthedoorwas

closed.Itoccurredtomethatfromnowon,everytimeIusedthebathroomorshowered,I’dhavetodoit
nextdoortoJake,sincehisroomwasrightoutsideofthebathroom.

Asthehotwaterpoureddownonme,Itriedtorelax.Ihadalotonmymind,fromanxietyabout

classesstartingMondaytomyunwantedattractiontomytattooed,pierced,smokinghotroommate,who
basedonfirstimpressions,wasquitelikelyaman-whore.

Iwrappedmywethairinatowel,securelytightenedmyrobeandgrabbedmydirtyclothesoffthe

floor.CautiouslypeekingoutintothehallwaybeforeIescapedthesafetyofthesteamybathroom,Itiptoed
backtomyroomandclosedthedoor.

AfterIbrushedthetanglesoutofmywethair,Islippedintoapinkcamisoleandshortsand

grabbedmyKindletodosomelightreadingbeforebed.

Abouttwentyminutesintothebook,therewasaknockatthedoor.AssumingitwasTarah,Ididn’t

thinktwicebeforeopeningitwithnobra.

ThesightofJakestandingtherecompletelyshirtlessandfreshoutoftheshowerwithhishairwet

nearlyknockedthewindoutofme.Hesmelledlikethemen’sbodywashthatIhadsniffedinthe

bathroom.TheoneIwouldbebathinginfromnowon.

Tricklesofwaterdrippeddownhisdefinedchestontohissix-pack.Hischesthadnotattoos,butI

nowsawthathehadtribalinkonhissidetorsoandupperarms.Iknewhewasattractive,butittruly
stunnedmehowbeautifulhewasbare.

Iswallowed,hardlygettingthewordsout.“Ha…hi…what’sup?”
Jake’sheatedstareburnedthroughmeashequicklyglanceddowntomybralesschestandbackup

tomyeyes.Helickedhislips,andIswear,Ifeltit.Icoulddescribeitaselectric,butitwasmorelikea
dragonbreathingfiredownmythroat,ignitingawetexplosionatthesiteofmyvagina.

Then,hereachedintohispocketandhandedme…apairofunderwear.“Ifoundtheseonthe

bathroomfloor…thoughtyoumightwantthem.”

Ireachedforthem,mortified.TheywerethedirtyunderwearIhadbeenwearingalldayandmust

havefallenoutoftheclothespileIcarriedoutofthebathroom.

Coveringmychestwithmyarms,Iclutchedthepantiesandwasprettymuchspeechlessashe

stoodthereinmydoorway.“Thanks.”

Hestaredatmeforafewseconds,grinnedimpishlybutsaidnothingelseasheturnedaround.I

watchedhimwalkawayandnoticedthathisbackwasjustasdefinedasthefrontashesauntereddown
thehall,hisblackpantshanginglowonhiswaist,almostbutnotquitelowenoughtodisplaythetopofhis
tight,roundass.

Shakingmyhead,Itookadeepbreathandslowlyclosedmydoor.
Thiswasn’tthetypeofguyyoulivedwitheveryday.Thiswasthetypeofguywhocameoutto

playonlyatnightinyourdeepest,darkestfantasies.

Stay.Away.Nina.
Iwassweating,eventhoughIhadjustshowered.Afterafewminutes,whenmyhormonesfinally

stoppeddoingtheMacarena,Iwentbacktobedandtriedtofocusonsomethingotherthanmynew
roommate.JustwhenIhadfinallygottenmymindoffofhim,Ilookedovertomyrightandnoticed
somethingonmynightstandthatImusthavemissedearlier.

OhmyGod.
SomeonemusthaveputittherewhenIwasintheshower.
Someone.Iknewexactlywhoitwas.
Itwasanorigamibirdmadeoutofblackconstructionpaper,justliketheonesStuartusedtomake.

Butwait…itwasn’tabird.

Itwasabat.
Ihelditinmyhandandcoveredmymouthtocontainthestupefiedlaughter.Ilookedaroundasif

someonewasintheroomwatchingme,butofcourse,Iwasalone.

Iunfoldedthebatandnoticedamessagewrittenunderneaththeleftwinginsilvergelink.

Welcometothe“House.”--Jake
How’sUncleJesse?

CHAPTER3

ItwasSaturdaymorningandJakewasalreadygonebeforeIcouldthankhimformylittlegift.

LikeRyanexplained,hetookoffforBostoneveryweekendandgenerallycamebackonSundaynightsin
timetoworkonMonday.

ThefirstthingonmymindwhenIwokeupwasthebat,howintricateitwasandhowJakehad

nowjoinedthebandwagonofpeopleteasingmeaboutmyresemblancetotheOlsentwins.AtleastI
thoughttheywereprettyandtookitasacompliment.

RyanandTarahwereinthekitcheneatingpancakeswhenIwalkedin.
“Sitdownandjoinus,Troll,”Ryansaid.
Tarahlookedatmeexcitedly.“Nina,youandIshouldgoshoppingtoday.Itookthedayoff.”
“Really?Cool…Ineedtodressupmyroombadly.”
Sheclappedgiddily.“Perfect.We’llhavesomuchfun.”Shehandedmethesyrup.“So,areyou

nervousaboutstartingschool?”

“Iam…mostlyaboutthemathrequirement.Ihaveneverdonewellinmath.Ifaileditinhigh

school,actually.”

Ryanpointedhisforkatme.“YoushouldgetJaketohelpyou.Heisawhizwhenitcomestostuff

likemathandscience.

“I’llpass.Jakeseemsalittlebusyfortutoring.”
Tarahplacedasteamingcupofcoffeeinfrontofmeandsaid,“Seriously.Youshouldaskhimif

you’restuck.”

“Okay,”Isaid,mostlytoshutthemup.IknewfullwellIwouldneveraskJakeforhelp.

***

Thatafternoon,TarahandIwentshoppingatKing’sPlaza.Shehelpedmepickoutapinkandgray

comforter,acoupleofcanvasfloralwallprints,agrayshagrug,andapinkaccentlamp.Myfatherhad
givenmepermissiontousehiscreditcardforsomeapartmentitems,butIknewthisspendingspree
wouldbethelasthurrahforawhile.

Westoppedforfrozenyogurtonthewayhome,andTarahinsistedonpayingforme.Wesatdown

atoneofthetablestotalk.

“So,youandRyan.Howdidthatcomeabout?”Iasked.
Sheclosedhereyesbrieflyandsighed.“Heissuchasweetie,isn’the?Wewerefriendsfora

whilefirst,youknow.Wehadbeenroommatesforlikethreemonthsbeforeanythingeverhappened.One
night,wehadthehousetoourselvesandjuststayedup‘tilallhourstalkingaboutanythingandeverything.
Allofasudden,Ilookedathimandthought…huh.”

“Huh,”Iimitatedher,laughing.
Tarahtookaspoonfulofyogurtandcontinuedtalkingwithhermouthfull.“Ihadalwaysthoughthe

wascute,butitwasagradualthingseeinghimassomethingmore.”

Then,IstoppedbeatingaroundthebushandaskedthequestionIreallywantedtheanswerto.
Iwipedmymouthandasked,“WhatdoyoumakeofJake?”
Sherolledhereyes.“Jake.Hmmm.WheredoIstart?”

Istartedeatingmyyogurtunusuallyfast.“What’shisdeal?”Iaskedwithmymouthfull.
Tarahpickedaraspberryoutofhercup,ateitandsaid,“Well,firstofall,theobvious…he’s

friggin’smokin’hot,right?”

Iwasalittletakenabackatherbluntcommentandfeltatwingeofjealousybutremindedmyself

thatshewaswithRyanandwouldhavetobeblindnottothinkJakewasextremelygoodlooking.

“He’salright,”Isaidnonchalantly.
“Jakeis…cool.Imean,helikestobustballs.Wedon’tspendalotoftimewithhim.He’s

obviouslygothisownstuffgoingon,travelingbackandforthtoBostononweekendsandwhatnot.He
keepstohimselfforthemostpartwhenheishome.”

“DoyouthinkhehasagirlfriendinBoston?”
“Hehasn’tmentionedone,andIhaveneveraskedhimpointblank,butthereisdefinitely

somethinggoingonthere.Hehasmentionedasisterandniecesthathe’sreallycloseto,buthegoesback
everysingleweekend,soitcan’tjustbeforthem.Jakedoesn’treallyopenup,butthat’sokay.He’s
respectful,andweallgetalong.Andboy,thatdudecanfixanythingthatbreaksinthehouse.It’samazing
howsmartheis.He’sgotaroughexterior,butthereisdefinitelysomebodyhomeupstairs,”shesaid
pointingtoherskull.

“Yeah,heseemscoolenough.”Idecidednottotellheraboutthebat.Ikindoflikedkeepingthat

tomyself.

Tarahleanedin.“Whywereyouwonderingifhehadagirlfriend?Shepausedandletoutahuge

smile.“Youlikehim!”

Wasitjustmeorwasitgettinginhotinhere?

Ilaugheditoff.“No,ofcoursenot!Imean,notinthatway.”
“Then,whydidyourfacejustturnasredasthisraspberry?”

***

TheweekendcameandwentasIbusiedmyselfstockingtherefrigeratorwithmyfavoritefoods

andsettingupmyroom.TarahandIspentSundaynighthangingoutinmynewlydecoratedspace,waxing
oureyebrowsandpaintingournails.

Thatnight,Itossedandturned,stressedaboutstartingclassesthenextday.
ItwasaboutmidnightwhenIheardthefrontdooropen,followedbyfootstepspassingmyroom

andheadingdownthehall.IknewitwasJakereturningfromBoston.Immediately,thebutterfliesthatlay
dormantallweekendinmystomachcametolifeandkeptmeupmostofthenight.

CHAPTER4

ItwasarainyearlySeptemberdayinBrooklyn,butthefiveblockwalkfromtheapartmenttothe

mainuniversitybuildingonthecornerofFlatbushandDeKalbwasabreeze.

ThissemesterIwouldbetakingPsychology,AnatomyandPhysiology,EnglishCompositionand

FiniteMath.IwasfairlycertainIwouldbeabletohandlethematerialinallofthecourseswithlittle
difficulty,exceptformath,whichhadalwaysbeenanearlyimpossiblesubjectforme.Unfortunately,the
mathclasswasarequirementforthenursingprogram,andifIdidn’tgetatleastaCaverage,Iwas
screwed.

Mathwasthefinalclassoftheday,andIwantedtocrywhenIsawthesyllabusandskimmed

throughthetextbook.ProfessorHernandezseemedlikeajerkontopofthat.Listeningtohimlectureashe
wroteoutproblemsonthedry-eraseboard,Istartedtosweat.Selectanumber“n”multiplyitby4,add
10totheproduct,dividethesumby2,andsubtract5fromthequotient.Heh?

Ihatedmath,plainandsimple.Mybrainjustwasn’twiredtounderstandnumbers.Butsomuch

rodeonthisclass,andIwasdeterminedtofindawaytogetthroughit.Myparentswerecertainlynot
goingtocontinuetopayfornursingschoolifIcouldn’tpassmyclasses.Iowedittothemtotryashardas
Icould,despitethecurrentlackoffaithinmyself.

Feelingdefeated,Iwalkedhomefromtheuniversityintherain.Iwasalreadystressedaboutthe

smallamountofhomeworkIhadreceivedfortonightandamathtestscheduledforWednesday.

Iwasoneblockawayfromtheapartmentwhenavandroverightintoapuddlenexttome,causing

whatseemedlikeatidalwaveofwatertohitme.Iwasnowdrenchedandlookinglikeadrownedrat.

Arrivingatourfrontsteps,Inoticedthewomanwholivedonthesecondfloorpeekingoutofher

windowwatchingmeapproachthebuilding.Shelookedtobeinhersixties.

Stillstandingonthesidewalkbelow,Iwaved.“Hi,I’mNinaKennedy.Ijustmovedupstairs.”
Thewomanlookedatmeandsaidnothing.Sheworeascarfwrappedaroundherheadanddidn’t

lookhappyatall.

Itwasawkward,butIgaveitonemoretry.“Youliveonthesecondfloor?”
Thewomansquintedhereyesandlookedangrierbythesecond.Finally,sheleanedabitmoreout

ofthewindowandinastrongJamaicanaccentsaid,“Gofuckyourself!”

Myheartstartedbeatingfast.“Comeagain?”
“Gofuckyourself!”sherepeatedandthenabruptlyshutthewindow.
Istoodthereintherainstunned,notknowingwhethertorunintothebuildingorawayfromit.This

wasdefinitelynotmyday.IopenedthedoorandwaspantingasIranupthestairspastherapartmentto
thethirdfloor.

Whatwaswrongwithher?Whydidshesaythattome?WhatdidIdo?
Ienteredourapartmentandslammedthedoorbehindme,leaningagainstitbreathinginandout

heavily.ThatencountershockedmesomuchthatittookmeafewsecondstonoticeJakestandinginfront
ofmeeatingabanana.

“Whatthehellhappenedtoyou?”heasked.
Ikeptpantingandthensaidbetweenbreaths,“Iwasattacked…verbally…bythewomanonthe

secondfloor.”

Henearlychokedashebegantodoubleover.Hewaslaughingsohardthatnosoundcameoutof

hismouth.

Hestoppedjustlongenoughtoask,“Didshetrytodrownyoutoo?”
Irolledmyeyes.“No,thatwassomethingelse.”
Jakecontinuedtolaughuncontrollably.Hegrippedhisabsasifinpainandsmackedthecounter,

thensaid“Now,youareofficiallypartofthishousehold.”

“What?”
“You’vejustbeenBallsworthied.”
“Balls,what?Excuseme?”
Myreactionseemedtomakehimlaughevenhardernow.Mybodystiffenedwhenhewalkedover

andpulledmeintoaquickfriendlyhugthenpattedmeontheback.Itsoundedthealarmtothebutterflies
inmystomach.“It’sokay.You’regood.She’sharmless.”

Ishivered.“Whattheheckiswrongwithher?”
“That’sMrs.Ballsworthy.Nooneknowswhythefucksheisthewaysheis.Somedaysshe’lltell

ustogofuckourselves,andotherdays,she’sperfectlyfine.Onetime,Ishityounot,shebakedusa
chocolatecake.Itsaid‘FuckYouAll’ontop.Itwasthemostdeliciousfuckin’cakeIhaveevereaten.
Shecouldhaveputshitinit.Istillwouldhavetakenanotherbite.That’showgooditwas.”

Thatstorybrokemyfunk,andIstartedtolaughattheabsurdityofitall.Iwipedmyeyes.“Are

youpullingmylegagain?”

“No,actually.EvenIcouldn’tmakethatshitupifItried.”
HeandIbothcrackedupsimultaneously,andwhenourlaughterdissipated,Istaredintohis

emeraldeyesforafewseconds.Hiseyesthenmovedfromminetomymouthandbackuptomyeyes
again.

“Seriously,youlooklikeyouhadatoughday,”hesaid.
Ishookmyhead.“Youhavenoidea.”
Jakewalkedovertothefridge,poppedopenabeer,tookaswigandhandedthebottletome.

“Enlightenme.”

Itookalongsip,andthefactthatmymouthwasnowwherehishadjustbeenwasnotlostonme.

“Thanks.”

Hepulledupachair,satonitbackwardsandlistenedasIvented.
“Iamjustreallyupshit’screekinschool.ThereisthisfinitemathclassIhavetogetatleastaC

in,sinceit’sarequirementforthenursingprogram,andIhaveneverbeenabletounderstandmath.It’s
likeabraindeficiencyIhave.”

Hesquintedhiseyesindisagreement.“Bullshit.Nosuchthing.Youjustneedtherightteacher.”
“Well,theteacher,ProfessorHernandez,isnotahappypersontobeginwith,andasfarashis

teachingstyle,hemightaswellbetalkingChinesetome.Hejustreadsoutofthebookanddoesn’t
explainanything.”

Jakegrabbedthebeerfrommyhand,tookasip,handeditback,andstaredintomyeyes.“LikeI

said,youneedtherightteacher.”

“Butmyteachersucks!”
Heletoutaslightburp.“No,hedoesn’t.Heisawesome.”
“Whatdoyoumean?HaveyounotheardanythingIhavesaid?”
“Imean…heisawesome.Because…he…isme.”
“You?”
“Yeah.I’llbeyourteacher.I’lltutoryou.Mathiseasyasballsforme.”
“You…tutorme…”
Hiseyeswidened,andhegavemeamenacinglook.“Yes.Unlessyouwanttofail,”hesaidfirmly.
“No.No,Idon’t.”

“Okay,then.”
Iscratchedmyhead.“Whenisthisgonnahappen?”
“We’lldoitacoupleofnightsaweek,setupaschedule.”
“Whywouldyouwanttodothisforme?What’sthecatch?”
Iwasabouttotakeasipofthebeerwhenheyankeditfrommyhandsanddownedtherestofit.

Myeyesfixatedonhislipswrappedaroundthebottlebeforeheslammeditdown.“What…peoplecan’t
dothingsforotherpeoplewithouttherebeinganulteriormotive?”

“Iguess.Butseriously,youdon’thaveto.”
“Idon’thaveto.You’reright.Iwantto.Iwouldn’thaveofferedotherwise.Itoldyou,mathis

easyforme.Thehardpartisgonnabegettingyoumotivated.”

“Motivated?”
“Yeah.See,peoplearecapableofamazingthingswhenthey’remotivated.”
“Isn’tnotgettingkickedoutofnursingschoolmotivationenough?”
Hesmirkedandshookhisheadindisagreement.“No,it’snot.Icantellthat’snotenoughforyou.

Youneedsomethingthatwillreallymakeyouwanttopass,likeyourlifedependsonit.

Irubbedmytemples.“Iamnotfollowingyou.”
“I’llexplainthen.Okay,so…I’mgonnatutoryou,right?IfyougetanAoneveryexam,

fanfuckingtastic!I’mdoingmyjobbecauseyoushouldbegettinganAoneveryexam.Ifyougetlower
thananA,thenthereshouldbeconsequences.”

“Consequences?”
Henoddedslowlywithamischievousgrin.“Consequences.”
“Like?”
“Like…whenIfirstmetyou,yousaidyouwereafraidofalotofthings.Andfromthelookonyour

face,Icouldtellitwasmorethanjustaslightfear.Youneedtogetoverthat,Nina.”

Ishudderedattheseriousnessofhistoneandthefactthatforthefirsttime,hesaidmyname.
“Iamnotfollowingyou,”Isaid.
“Letmeexplain.Itutoryou.ButforeveryexamgradelowerthananA,youwillhavetofaceone

ofyourfears.”

Ifeltarushofpaniccreepingin,andmyheartstartedtopound.Withoutsayinganythingfor

severalseconds,Ijuststaredathimbeforeasking,“Canyoubemorespecific?”

“Don’tgetallfreakedoutonme.I’llbetherewithyou.We’lldosomethingthatscaresyou,that

you’vebeenavoiding,butyouwon’tknowwhatitisuntilwegetthere.It’sbetterthatway,sothatyouare
notbuildingupanxietyanticipatingit.We’llexposeyoutoit,untilitdoesn’tscareyouanymore.See,
fromwhatIcantellfromyourbodylanguage,Iammakingyoureallyfuckingnervousrightnow.And
that’sagoodthing,becauseitmeansyouaregoingtoworkyourassofftoacethosetests.Buteitherway,
youwin.Youjustmightnotseeitthatway.”

Hehadtobekiddingme.Ibarelyknewthisguy,buthecouldreadmelikeabook.
“WhatifIdon’twanttoparticipateinthisbet?”
Jakegotupandthrewthebottleintherecyclebin.“Then,you’reonyourown,chica.”
Ifeltlikethrowingup,notbecauseIwasabouttofailmathbutbecauseIknewIwasaboutto

agreetohisterms.Itscaredthelivinghelloutofme,butatthesametime,Ifeltabittersweetexcitement
likeneverbefore.

Hestuckouthishand.“Deal?”
Ihesitatedthenshookhishandashesqueezedminetightly.“Deal.”
Gosh,ifmybodyreactedlikethistojustthetouchofhishand,Icouldn’timaginewhatitwould

doifhewereto—

“Youwanttostarttomorrownight?”heasked.

“Okay.”
“Givemeyourphone,”hesaid.
Ilookedathimstrangely.
“Givemeyourphone,”hedemandedagain.
Ididn’taskwhyandjusthandedittohim.Tobehonest,withthewayIhavebeenreactingtothis

guy,Iprobablywouldhavedoneanythingheaskedmetoatthispoint.

“Stayhere,”hesaid.
Hewalkedawaydownthehalltohisroomwithit,andthatmademeextremelynervous.Ididn’t

wanthimlookingatmybrowsinghistoryortextmessages,eventhoughtherewasreallynothing
incriminating.

Ishouted.“Whatareyoudoingwithmyphone?”
“Don’tworryaboutit,”Iheardhimyellfromhisroom.
“CanIhaveitbackplease?”WhywasIlisteningtohimandstayinghereinthekitchenlikean

idiot?

Afewminuteslater,hecamebackdownthehallandhandeditbacktome.“Iprogrammedmy

numberin.So,ifforsomereason,youhavetoreachmeforanything,youhaveit.I’llalsocallyouifIam
runninglatefromworktomorrownightbeforewestudy.”

“Okay,thanks.”
“Don’tbescared.You’regonnadofine.”
Inoddedsilently,wonderinghowIgotmyselfintothis.
Jakegrabbedabanana,thenhisjacketandlaptopfromthecouch.“Ihavetogetbacktowork.I

justcamehomebecauseIforgotmylaptop.I’llcatchyoulater.”

“Okay.Catchyoulater.Oh,wait…Jake?”
Heturnedaround.“What’sup?”
“Ineverthankedyouformybat.”
Hesaidnothing,justsmiled,winkedandstuckouthistongueinjest.Forthefirsttime,Inoticedit

waspiercedtoo.

Damn.
Whenthedoorslammedshut,Iclosedmyeyesandsighed.
Ohyeah,Iwasindeepdoodoo…inmorewaysthanone.
Fromthestreet,IcouldhearJakeinthedistance.“Fuckyoutoo,Mrs.Ballsworthy!”
Icoveredmymouthinlaughter.Mynewhomewasabizarreplace,buttherewasnowhereelseI

wantedtobeatthatmoment.

Then,Ilookeddownatmyphoneandnoticedhehadchangedthewallpaperonthescreen.Itwas

oneofthose“KeepCalmandCarryOn”sayingsthatprettymuchsummedupmyday,inhonorofmy
encounterwithourlovelyneighbor:

KeepCalmandGoFuckYourself.

CHAPTER5

Tuesdaywasmydayofffromclasses,andIspentthedaydoinglaundryandnervouslyanticipating

mytutoringsessionwithJakethatnight.Iwas22-yearsold,butthelevelofobsessionIwasexperiencing
mademefeellikeIwassixteen.

IstillcouldnotbelieveIhadagreedtothetermsofhisbet.Truthfully,IknewIwasn’tgoingtoget

A’sonmytestsnomatterhowhardIstudied,soIcouldprettymuchstartmentallypreparingmyselffor
theworst.EventhoughwhatJakeproposedterrifiedme,Ireallydidn’teverconsidertellinghimno.

HewaslikenootherguyIhadeverknown.Itwasn’tjustthathelookeddifferent(inaverygood

way).Hehadaself-assuranceandcommandingwayabouthimthatwashardtoresist,butthatoddly,also
mademefeelsafe.

Growingupinmysmalltown,theguysIhadmetfromthetimeIwasateenagerupuntilImoved

herewerecookiecutter.IhadyettomeetsomeonelikeJake:darkanddangerousontheoutsidebutsmart
andcleverontheinside;someonewhoownedaroomthesecondhesteppedintoit.

Mylastseriousboyfriend,Spencer,couldnothavebeenmoredifferentfromJake.Hewasa

clean-cut,church-goingkindofguy,whomyparentsandeveryoneelsejustloved.Hewasafewyears
olderandsoldinsuranceforaliving,butlookingback,ifyouaskme,theonlythinghewaseverreally
goodatsellingwasafalseimpressionofhimself.Whatmyfamilydidn’trealizewasthatbehindthat
squeaky-cleanexterior,wasamanthatconstantlytriedtoberatemewithcritiquesandput-downs.And
ultimately,hecheatedonme.IfeltlikeIwastedthreeyearsandgotnothingoutofit,exceptacertificate
ofcompletioninAsshole101.HewastheonlyguyIeversleptwith.Whatawaste.

IshookmyheadtoridmymindfromthoughtsofSpencerasIcontinuedtofoldshirtsinthe

basementlaundryroom.Then,mycellphonerang,andIsawitwasmyfather.

“Hey,Dad.”
“Hi,sweetie.Iamjustcheckingin.Howarethingsgoingatthenewplace?”
Ican’tstopobsessingovermyroommate.
“Prettygoodsofar.”
“How’sRyan?”
Who?
“He’sgreat.Turnsouthe’sactuallydatingmyotherroommate,Tarah.”
“Really?Goodforhim.Nicegirl?”heasked.
“Yes,very.”
“Well,youknowRyanislikefamilytous.So,Icouldn’tbehappierthatheistheretolookoutfor

you.”

Actually,Ryan’sheadissofarupTarah’sass,IamluckyifheevenrealizesIstilllivehere.
“Metoo,”Isaid.
Myfathersighed.“Whatabouttheotherroommate?Aguy,right?”
Yes,areallyhotguy,withtattoosandpiercingsonhisface…andtongue…andGodknows

whereelse…andIsometimeswanttolickhim.

“Jake…hisnameisJake.Goodguy,kindofquiet…anengineer.”
“Ah,good,hemustbeniceandnerdy.Iwon’thavetoworry.”Helaughed.
Dad,youshouldbesoworried.

“That’sexactlyright.Heisabitofanerd.”
“Howareclassessofar?”
Iamgoingtofailmath.
“Sofarsogood.Mathisgoingtobeachallenge.”
“Well,Ihaveconfidenceinyou,honey.Youmadethisbigmovetothecity,andIknowyouwon’t

letyourselffail.”

IjustwishIhadconfidenceinmyself.
“Thanks,Dad.Ibettergetbacktofoldinglaundry.TellMomIloveher.”
“Ok,sweetie.Loveyou.Byebye.”

***

Itwas4:30intheafternoon,andsinceIhadbeenuptossingandturningthepreviousnight,I

decidedtotrytotakeanapsinceJakewouldn’tbehomeuntilaftersixo’clock.

Ihadsetmyalarm—orsoIthought—for5:30.So,youcouldimaginemysurprisewhenIwokeup

andsawthatitwas7:45.Myheartwaspounding,andIwasbeyondagitatedwhenIrealizedIhad
overslept.

Igotupandscratchedmyhead,liftingthealarmclockandnoticingthat,whileyes,Ihadsetthe

alarmfor5:30,itwasforamnotpm,whichdidmeabsolutelynogood.

Shit!
Irubbedmyeyesandmattedmyhairdown,unsureofwhatIwouldbemetwithwhenIemerged

fromthebedroom.

Tomakemattersworse,IlookedoveratmynightstandandmypulsequickenedasIdiscovered

evidencethatJakehadbeeninmyroomwhileIwasasleep.There,nexttomytissueboxwasanother
blackorigamibat.Ishookmyheadindisbeliefandbegantounfoldit.

Didyouknowthatyoudrool?
That’ssonotcool.
Showingupismynumberonerule.
Now,getup,fool.You’relateforschool.

MortifieddidnotevenbegintodescribehowIfelt.EventhoughIwouldhaveratherstayedputat

thatpoint,IknewIneededtogooutandfacethemusic.Itookastickofgumfrommypursetomaskmy
sleepbreathandquicklyinspectedmyselfinthemirror.Igrabbedmymathbooksandsyllabusandheaded
downthehall.

WhenIgottoJake’sroom,hisdoorwascrackedopen,andIcouldseethathewassittingupin

bedwearingheadphonesandwritingonalaptop.Hehadn’tnoticedme,soIstoodthereforaminute
takinghimin.

Hishairwasflattened,likehehadjusttakenashower,andtherewasaloosepiecehangingover

hisforehead.Hehadbeautiful,shinydarkhairthatlookedjet-blackwhenitwaswet.Hewaswearing
blackcargopantsandanavybluet-shirtthathuggedhismusclesandshowedoffhistattooedarms.The
roomsmelledlikecinnamoncandle,muskandcigarettes,eventhoughIhadyettoseehimsmokinginthe
house.Hislonglegswerestretchedouttotheendofthelengthofthebed.Hewastappinghisfootfast
andnervouslyashetyped,bobbinghisheadtothebeatofthemusic.

Iclutchedmytextbookandwasnervousjustlookingathim,whileanticipatingthegriefhewas

goingtogivemeforsleepingthroughourtutoringsession.

IfinallycoughedtolethimknowIwasstandingatthedoorway.
Jakelookedupandslowlyremovedhisheadphones.“Well,well,well,lookwhofinallydecided

towakeup.”

Istayedatthethreshold.Wavingthepaperbathemademe,Isaid,“Iamsorry,Jake,Ireallyam.I

setthealarmforaminsteadofpm.”

Heclosedhislaptopandsatupintoasittingpositionattheedgeofthebed.Hewasn’tsmiling.

“Youshouldbeapologizingtoyourself.You’retheonewho’sgonnafail.”

Okay,hard-ass.
“Whydidn’tyoujustwakemeup?”
“Itriedtonudgeyou,butyoudidn’tevenmove.Ihadtocheckyourpulsetomakesureyouwere

stillalive.Then,youfarted,soIfiguredallwaswell.”

“Ididnot!”Ilaughed,butwasdyinginside.
“I’mkidding.Relax.”
DearGod,thankyou.
“Whenisyourfirstexam?”
“Tomorrow.”
Heshookhisheadandsighed.“Tomorrow…”Rollinghiseyes,heranhishandsthroughhishair

infrustration.

“Yes.ProfessorHernandezdoesn’twasteanytime.”
“Well,then,it’sagoodthingyounappedbecauseIhopeyou’rereadytobeupallnight.”
Shit.Hewasseriousaboutthis.Therewasnojokingaroundinhistone,makingthissituationall

themoreintimidating.

Ilookeddownatmyfeetandthenbackupathim.“Iamreallysorry.”
Jake’sgreeneyessearedintomineforafewseconds.“Idon’tbite,youknow,”hesaidinalow

voice.

“Excuseme?”
“Whyareyoustillstandinginthedoorway,usingyourtextbookasashield?”
IlaughednervouslyasIenteredtheroom.Hewasright.Iwashesitating.Butitwasn’tforthe

reasonheprobablythought.

Iwished…hewouldbite…andthat’swhatscaredme.
Controlyourself,Nina.
“Shouldwestudyinhereorinthelivingroom?”Iasked.
“That’syourdecision.You’retheonethatneedstofocus,”hesaid.
“Okay.Hereisfine.TarahandRyanwillprobablycomehomeandwantthelivingroom.”
Badchoice.Beinginhisbedroomwasbyfarthemostdistractingplace.
“Let’sgetstartedthen.”Jakereachedouthishand.“Showmetheassignment.”
Ihandedhimthebookandsyllabus,ashepulledupawoodenchairandsatdown,kickinghislegs

upontothefootofthebed.Isatonthegroundwithmylegscrossed.

“Youdon’thavetositonthefloor.Isathere,soyoucouldhavethebed.”
“Okay,thanks,”IsaidasIgotupandplantedmyselfonhisbed.Themattresswasfirmanditwas

likelyinginaseaofhismasculinescent.Theblackcomforterwassurprisinglysoft,andIranthetipsof
myfingersacrossitasIwatchedhimlookovermysyllabus.

“Okay,thisshitisn’tgoingtobeeasyforyou,”hesaid.
“Thanksforthevoteofconfidence.Thatiscertainlyanunderstatement.”
Helookedupatme.“Let’sstartwiththelinearprogrammingproblem.”
Iscratchedmyheadandleanedin.“Okay.”

“Youhavetocreateaproblemliketheonelistedhere,usingthesamemodelbutyourown

variables,andthenyouneedtosolveit.”Hegrinned.“Wecanmakethisinterestingifwewant.”

“Oh?”
“Yes.Allitsaysisthatithastoinvolvetransportation.”
“Yes.”Inodded.
Ihadnoideawhathewastalkingabout.
“Okay,sotheexampleinthebookusesalumberdealertransportingwoodtowarehouses.”
“Yes.”
“So,youcoulduse,forexample…apimptransportingwhoresacrossthecountry.”
“Excuseme?”
“Weneedtokeepyouawake,solet’sgowiththat.Theproblemistofindthemosteconomical

waytotransporttheprostitutestovariouscities.”

Irubbedmytemplesandchuckled.“OhmyGod.Okay.”
“First,youhavetodetermineyourvariables.Therearetwovariables,xandy.Ifxrepresentsthe

numberofwhorestobedrivenfromNewYorktoL.A.,thensinceL.A.needs25whores,thenumberof
whorestobeshippedfromPhiladelphiatoL.A.is25minusx.

HelookeduptoseeifIwaspayingattentionandcontinued.“Andifyrepresentsthenumberof

whorestobedrivenfromNewYorktoLasVegas,thensinceLasVegasneeds30whores,thenumberof
whorestobeshippedfromPhiladelphiatoLasVegasis30minusy.”

Hethenbuiltacosttableshowingthetransportationroutes,numberofwhoresandvariouscosts

ofeachroute.Eventually,hecameupwithaformulaandmademerunthroughtheentireproblemuntilI
understoodit.Eventhoughittookoveranhour,Ifinallydidgetit.IwasamazedathowcapableIcould
bewheninterestedenoughtoapplymyself.

AndIwasdefinitelyinterested.
Therewasalsoanutritionproblemwheretheobjectwastodesignalow-costrecipethat

providedrequiredlevelsofproteins,caloriesandvitaminB12.Wehadtochoosevariablesagainand
assigndifferentcosts.Jakesubstitutedthesamplesusedinthebookforthingsthatwouldmakemelaugh.
Inthiscase,therecipewasforMrs.Ballsworthy’s“shitcake,”andtheingredientswerechocolate,shit
andwhole-wheatflour.Again,hebuiltatabletoorganizethedata,andafteranotherhour,Iwasfinally
abletorunthroughtheformulamyself.

HewassoanimatedandneverseemedtotirewhenIcouldn’tgraspwhathewasteaching.

Instead,hewouldjustfindanewwayofexplainingtheproblemtome,likeheenjoyedthechallenge.His
tablesandgraphsmadethingseasytounderstand,andafterrunningthroughthosetwoexamples
repeatedly,IwasstartingtothinkthatmaybeIcouldpasstheexamtomorrow.IfonlyIcouldjust
rememberJake’smethodologyandapplyittowhateverproblemProfessorHernandezcameupwith.

Bytheendofthenight,wewerebothsittingonthefloor,stretchedoutwithwhitepapers

everywhere.Iwassotired,butIwasn’treadyforthestudysessiontoend.

Istartedtoyawn.Jakebonkedmeontheforeheadwitharolleduppieceofpaper.“Whatdoyou

say…onemorepracticeproblem?”

Iyawnedagainandnodded.“Sure,onemore.”
“Nofallingasleeponme,”hesaid.
IwishIwerefallingasleeponyou.
“Okay…let’strythis,”hesaidashebeganwritingoutanewchartwithdifferentvariables.
Sittingonthefloorwithmylegscrossednexttohim,Istaredathisintenseexpressionashewrote

inbold,hardstrokes.HewassofocusedandwasoneofthesmartestpeopleIhadevermet.His
intelligencemadehimevensexierinmymindandmademefeelevenmoreinadequate.Hewasabadass.

Myeyesweregluedtothewayhistonguemovedbackandforthoverthebottomofhismouthas

heconcentrated,histongueringclankingagainstthemetaloftheringonhislip.Itwassoerotic,andI
wassooutoflineforthinkinglikethatwhilehewastryingtohelpme.Asmygazemeandereddownto
histattooedarms,Ialsoconcludedthathismasculinescentmixedwithcigarettesmokewasjustaboutthe
mostarousingsmellIhadeverknown.

Hiseyessuddenlydartedtothesideatme,asifhecouldfeelmestaring,andIlookedaway

instinctively.

EventhoughIwasn’tfacingtowardhimanymore,mymindstillwenttoplacesIknewitshouldn’t,

likewhathistonguewouldfeellike…onme.Iknewtheanswer.Iwasn’tsureifitwasbecauseIwas
overtiredormerelythefactthatIhadn’tbeenwithamaninsolong,butIwassuddenlyexperiencing
sensoryoverloadwhenitcametohim.

Hestoppedwritingandlookedtowardme.“Okay…sotwotrains150milesaparttraveltoward

eachotheralongthesametrack…”Hepausedandwavedhishandinfrontofmyface.“EarthtoNina.”

“Huh?”IthenrealizedIhadbeenstaringathismouththeentiretime.
“You’renotpayingattention,”hesaidfirmly,hisgravellyvoicevibratingthroughme.
“I’m…I’msorry,”Isaid.
“Youwanttojuststop?”Hesoundedfrustratedwithme.
Insteadofprovidingayesornoanswer,myexhausted(andhorny)minddecidedtotakeadetour.
“Didithurt?”Iasked.
Jakesquintedhiseyes.“Didwhathurt?”heaskedabruptly,almostseemingannoyedatme.
“That,”Isaidpointingtohislipring.“Thetonguering,thelipring,thebrowring…allofthem.

Wasitpainful?”

Shrugginghisshoulders,hesaid,“Idon’treallyremember.IgotthemwhenIwaslikesixteen.I

hadwaymoreofthembackthen,too.Idon’tthinkitwasthatbad,though.”Heliftedhisbrowwitha
smirk.“Why…areyouconsideringgettingone?”

Igiggledlikeadrunkschoolgirl.“Me?No.Uh-uh.Idon’tthinkIcouldwithstandthepain.”
Jake’seyesdarkenedandmetmine.“Sometimesifyouarewillingtowithstandalittlepaininlife,

Nina,youmightdiscoverapleasurethatyouneverwouldhaveotherwiseknownexisted.”

Ifeltflushed.“Arewestilltalkingaboutpiercings?”Myvoiceloweredtoawhisper.“Areyou

talkingabout…piercings…downthere?”

Hiseyeswidened,andheslammedthetextbookdown.“Downthere?No,actually.Iwasreferring

toyourfearofeverything,Nina,butnowIbelieveyoumightbereferringtowhetherornotmycockis
pierced.”

Mortified,Ilookeddownatthegroundandshookmyheadvigorously.“OhmyGod.ForgetIever

saidanything!IthinkIamsotiredthatIamdelirious.It’sprobablytimeformetohitthehay.”

Iimmediatelystartedmessilygatheringpapers,alongwithmytextbookandstoodup.Speed

talking,Isaid,“Jake,thankyousomuchforthis.IthinkIreallygetitnow.I’llletyouknowhowImake
outtomorrow.”

Hegotupbutdidn’tsayanything.
Iwalkedbackwardsoutoftheroom,droppingthingsandtrippedoverhiswastebasketwhich

madehimchuckle.

Ipracticallyrantomyroom,andasIopenedmybedroomdoor,Jake’svoicestoppedmefrom

downthehall.

“Toansweryourquestion,Nina,thatpleasureisworththepaintoo.”
Speechless,Ienteredmyroomandshutthedoorbehindme,gearingupforanothernightof

restlessness.

CHAPTER6

AsIsatinclassthinkingaboutlastnight’stutoringsession,ProfessorHernandezbegantoaddress

theroomandstartledmeoutofmydaydream.

“Pleasequietdown,folks.Wehavealottogettotoday.We’regoingtospendthefirsthalfof

classrunningthroughsomeoftheexamplesyouturnedin.Then,thelasthalfwillbetheexam.”

Hepausedforaboutaminutelookingthroughthestackofhomeworksubmissions.
“WhereisMs.Kennedy?”
Iraisedmyhand.“Here,sir.”
ProfessorHernandezputhisglassesonandexaminedthepaperinhishandabitmoreclosely

beforelookingoveratme.“Pimpsandwhores,Ms.Kennedy?”

Myheartfelltomystomach,rememberingthatIhadsubmittedthetwoexamplesJakeandIput

togetherforthetransportationandnutritionwordproblemassignment.Whoops.

Pleasedon’tmentionMrs.Ballsworthy’sshitcake.
Theclasseruptedinlaughteratthepimpreference,andwhenitstartedtodiedown,Isaid,“Yes,

sir.”

Heshookhisheadandexaminedthedocumentagain.“AllIcansayis,you’reluckythesolutionis

correct,Ms.Kennedy.”

Inoddedsilently,wantingtocrawlintoahole.
Whentheattentionoftheclassfinallyleftme,mybreathingsettled.Justastheprofessormoved

ontoanotherstudent’sassignment,myphonevibratedthenbegantoplayasongIdidn’timmediately
recognize,loudlydisruptingthelecture.

IthenquicklyrealizeditwasEverywhereYouLook,thethemesongtotheshowFullHouse.
No.no.no.no.
Ilookeddownatthescreen:JakeCalling.
Iimmediatelysilencedthephone,andthenoisefromthesongwasreplacedwiththesoundsofmy

classmateslaughingandwhispering.

Hedidn’t.
Hedid.Damnit,Jake.
Apparently,whenhetookmyphoneawaytheotherday,hemusthaveprogrammeditasa

“special”ringtoneforhisincomingcalls.

IlookedupatProfessorHernandez’ssternexpression.“Ms.Kennedy,Isuggestyousilenceyour

phoneduringmyclass.”

Iswallowedandsaid,“Iamverysorry.”
Astheprofessorcontinuedwiththelecture,theguynexttomesaid,“Thatwasclassic.”
Iturnedtohimandnoticedthathehadareallynicesmile.Hewasactuallyverygoodlooking,not

inthedarklygorgeouswayJakewas,butinapreppywithfinefeaturessortofway.Hisshort,lightbrown
hairwasneat,andhehadbigblueeyesandasmallperfectnosewithadustingoffreckles.

“I’mAlistair,”hewhispered,holdingouthishand.
Itookitandsmiled.“Nina.”
ProfessorHernandezglaredinmydirectionagain.Alistairtooknotice,sowestoppedtalking,

turningourattentionbacktothefrontoftheroom.

Afterafewminutes,IlookeddownatmyphonetofindatextfromJake.

Jake:Howdidthetestgo?

Nina:Stillinclass.Wehaven’ttakenityet.Heisgoingovertheassignmentsandcalledme

outforthewhoreexample.Thanksalotforthatringtone.Thatwastheicingonthecake.

Jake:Theshitcake?LOL.Mypleasure.Letmeknowhowtheexamgoes.IneedtoknowifI

havetostartplanning.(Insertevillaughhere.)

IlaughedeventhoughthetextmademeveryuneasyandremindedmewhatIwasupagainst.
Myphonevibratedagain.

Jake:Stopfreakingout,Nina.

HowdidheknowIwasfreakingout?Ismiledtomyself,putmyphonebackinmypurseand

glancedoveratAlistairwhogrinnedatme.

ProfessorHernandezinstructedtheclasstoputallmobiledevicesawayandbeganhandingoutthe

exams.

Theproblemspresentedwereverysimilartothehomeworkassignment,andIbegantomakesome

tablesandbreakdownalloftheinformationlikeJakehadshowedme.

BythetimeIhadfinished,IknewIhadgottenatleasttwooutofthefiveproblemscorrectbutwas

unsureabouttherest.

Icouldfeelthedoubtandanxietybuilding,andthentheprofessorindicatedourtimewasup.He

walkedaroundtocollecttheexamsandletusknowthathewouldcorrectthemafterclassandpostthe
resultsonlinetonight.Hehadsetupapageonhiswebsitewherewecouldloginforexamresults.

Theclasswasdismissed,andasIwaswalkingoutoftheclassroom,IheardAlistairbehindme

outofbreath.“Nina,waitup.”

“Hey.”Ismiled.“Howdidyoudo?”
“Prettygood.IthinkIgotthemallright,actually,”hesaid.
“IwishIcouldsaythesame.IknowIgotatleasttwocorrect,butnotsureabouttheotherthree.”
“Well,ifyou’rehavingtrouble,I’dbehappytohelpyouafterclasssometime.”
“That’sreallysweet,butbelieveitornot,Iactuallyhaveareallygreattutorandstillcan’t

managetodowell…so…”

Alistairnoddedandflashedmeanotherbigsmile.“Well,maybewecouldjusthangout

sometime?”

Ihesitated.“Sure.Thatwouldbenice.”
“Great.Um,letmegetyournumber.I’llputitinmyphone.”
AsIwatchedhimentertheinformation,Isuddenlyfeltuneasyanddeepdown,Iknewithad

somethingtodowithmygrowingattractiontoJake.IwasprettysureIwasn’tevenJake’stypebutstill
couldn’thelpthecrushIhadonhim.Iguessinastrangeway,inagreeingtoadatewithAlistair,Ifelt
disloyaltomyownfeelings.Iwasneverthetypethatcouldfocusonmorethanoneguyatatime,evenif
theguyinfocushadnocluehowIfelt.ButIneededtomovepastthat.Iwasprettysurethatitwas
unhealthytothinksomethingwouldhappenwithJake,especiallyafterthelittlesexcapadeIhadoverheard
whenIfirstmovedin.Clearly,myroomiehashisown“stuff”goingon.That,coupledwiththefactthathe
disappearstoBostoneveryweekend…well,evenifIwashistype,whichI’mnot,itjustwouldn’t—

Alistairinterruptedmythoughts.“Hey…areyoustillwithme?”

Ididn’trealizeIhadzonedout.“Sorry,Iwasthinkingabouttheexam.”Ilied.
Hehandedmebackmyphoneaswewalkedtowardtheexit.“So,whatwasthedealwiththeFull

Housesong?”

“Ugh.Myfriendchangedmyringtonewithoutmyknowing.It’sarunningjokethatIresemblethe

Olsentwins.”

WasJakemyfriend?Iguesshewas.
Stop.Thinking.About.Jake.
Alistairgrinned.“Really?Iwouldn’thavepickeduponthat.Imean,they’recuteandall,but

you’remuchcuter.”

“Why,thankyou.Youwouldbethefirstpersontoholdthatsentiment.”
“Well,it’strue,”hesaid.Therewasthatthousand-wattsmileofhisagain.
“Thanks.”
“So…Ibetterrun.IhaveaPsychclassthatstartsinafewminutesnextdoor,”hesaid.
“Okay.Enjoythat.”
“Bye,Nina.I’llcallyousoon.”

***

Thatafternoon,onthewalkhome,IcameupwithaplantobutterJakeupsothathewouldgoeasy

onmewiththewholefear-facingpunishment.MaybeIcouldmakeadealwithhimwhereIcouldatleast
have some say in what he chooses to have me do. For example, even though riding the subway was
somethingIavoided,itgavemenowhereneartheterrorthatelevatorsdid.Iwassurehedidn’trealize
justhowincapacitatedIhadbecomeovertheyearsandhowharditwasgoingtobeformetofacemy
fears.

EventhoughIhadn’tgottenmygradeyet,Iwascertainitwasn’tanA,soIneededtoputmyplan

intoaction.Theysaythewaytogettoamanisthroughhisstomach.IknewjustwhatIwasgoingtomake
forhim.

TarahandRyanarrivedhometogetherjustasIwasstartingthefireonthestove.
“Whatareyoudoing,missy?”Tarahasked.
“Tryingtosavemyass.”
Shelaughed.“Whatareyoumaking?”
“DidJakesayanythingaboutourbet?”
Tarahshookherhead.“No.Jakedoesn’treallysayanythingtomeaboutanything.Isthisaboutthe

tutoring?”

“Yes.Basically,eachtimeIdon’tgetanAononeofmyexams,heisgoingtomakemefaceoneof

myphobias.It’sasicksortofpunishment,really.”

Ryanlaughed.“Noshit?Ithinkthat’sbrilliant!”
“Iknewyouwouldfeelthatway,Ryan.”
Tarahrubbedmyback.“Iamsorry,sweetie.IagreewithRyan.Youcan’tlivelikethis,especially

since you live in the city now. Imagine how much easier life would be if you could get past all of that
shit.”

“Ijustdon’tliketobeforcedintoit.”
Ryanraisedhisvoice.“Nooneisforcingyoutodoanything,andyouknowit,Nina.Youagreedto

Jake’slittlebetbecauseyouknowthatyouneedtobepushed,oryou’llneverchange.Thesethingsonly
getworsethelongeryouletthemfester.”

Iknewhewasright.
Ryan and Tarah left to have an early dinner downstairs at Eleni’s. About twenty minutes later, I

wasjustaboutfinishedwithmymasterpiecewhenIheardthedooropen.

Jakeslammedthedoorshutandstartedsniffing.“WhatdoIsmell?”
Hisimmediatereactiontothearomamademechuckle.“Whatdoyouthinkyousmell?
Hisstridetowardthekitchenareabecamefasterwitheachstep.“Ismellheaven.Whatdidyou

do?That’snot—”

Ibitmybottomlipandnoddedwithasmile.“Itis.”
“BananasFoster?BananasfuckingFoster?”
“Yup. I made it for you, as a thank you for helping me last night.” I burst into laughter at his

reactionashiseyesbuggedoutofhishead.

Jakesaidnothing,justsatdown,tookahugebite,dippinghisheadbackinecstasyandmoaned.
I’veheardthatmoanbefore.IshookmyheadtogetthedisturbingthoughtofJakewithanother

womanoutofmymind.

Hismouthwasfull.“Ugh.Mmmmmm.OhmyGod.Youknowthisislikemywetdream,right?”
There’sananalogy:WhatBananasFosteristoJake…JakeistoNina.
“Ifiguredyou’dlikeit.”
“Likeit…Nina…Ifuckingloveit,”hesaidbeforetakinganotherhugebite.Heateinsilencefora

fewminuteswithhiseyesclosedhalfofthetime.“Wheredidyoulearntomakethis?”

“Iactuallytookadessert-makingclassbackhomeonce.It’sactuallynotthathardtomake.It’sjust

butter,sugar,rum,vanilla,cinnamon,icecreamandofcourse,bananas.”

Hecontinuedtodevourtheentirebatchuntiltheplatewasbonedry.Isatacrossfromthetable

withmychininmyhandsjustwatchingithappenlikeaspectatorsport.

Heranhisfingerrepeatedlyacrosstheplatelickingthelastremnants,whichcausedmyinsidesto

tingle.

IsuddenlywishedIwerewearingtheplate.
Whentherewasnothingleft,heclosedhiseyesonelasttime,slowlyopenedthemwide,shookhis

headandsaid,“Mmm…mmm…mmm.Promisemeyou’llmakethatagainforme.”

Ilaughedathowserioushewasactuallybeing.“Thatcanbearranged.”
“Idon’tthinkyouunderstand.ThatwasthebestthingIhaveevertastedinmyentirelife.Noone

hasevermadeanythingformelikethat.Mymothercouldn’tcookforshitgrowingup.Sheworkedhard
and all, especially after my father died but never cooked, never baked. That’s why I started eating so
manydamnbananasinthefirstplace.”

ThatwasthefirstmomentJakeeversharedanythingimportantabouthimselfwithme.
“Howoldwereyouwhenyourfatherdied?”
Heseemedcaughtoffguardbythequestionbutansweredlookingdownattheplate.“Iwasfive,

almostsix.”

Myheartbrokeforhim.“I’msorry,Jake.”
“Yeah,metoo.”Hecoughedandquicklychangedthesubject.“Anyway,you’remakingthisagain,

okay?

“Well,Ididmakeitasathankyou,butIhavetoadmit…theremayhavebeenanulteriormotive.”
Hewipedhismouthwithanapkin,crumpleditandthrewitatmejokingly.“Oh?”
“Yes.IwasactuallyhopingthatmaybeyouwouldgoeasyonmeifitturnsoutIdidn’tgetanA…

maybeletmehavesomesayinhowfarI’mwillingtogowiththispunishmentthing.”

He threw his head back in laughter, and I could see his tongue ring. He scratched his chin,

pretendingtothinkaboutitandthensaid,“Um…no.”

“Jake…”Iwhined.

Hemockedmeinthesametone.“Nina…”
“Iamsoscrewed.”
“Oh,Yeoflittlefaith.Didyouevengetyourgradeyet?”
“Iamprettysurethey’reup.Ijusthavetogoonlineandcheckifthey’repostedonHernandez’s

website.”

Hewalkeddownthehallandreturnedwithhislaptop,placingitonthecounter.“Checkit.”
Inervouslykeyedinthewebaddressasheleanedinoverme.Icouldsmellthebananasandrum

on his breath and could feel him breathing on my shoulder, which made me fidgety as I typed in the
password.

ThefirstthingInoticedwasAlistair’sgrade:AlistairYork:100.
Scrollingdown,Ilookedformine,andthereitwas:NinaKennedy:78.
Mychestconstrictedwithmixedemotions.IhadgottenaC+,whichwasbetterthanIcouldhave

everhopedforbutfarfromwhatIneededtoavoidhavingtopassJake’stest.

JakeandIturnedtoeachotheratthesametime,andthegleaminhiseyestoldmeIwasinforit.

CHAPTER7

Thursdayafternoon,IwascleaningthekitchenwhenIreceivedatextfromJake.

Iamgettingoffofworkearlyandshouldbehomearound3:30.I’llmeetyouatthehouse.

Thenwe’llleavetogether.Beready.

Afewminuteslater,hetextedagain.

Stopfreakingout,Nina.

Andso,theruminationsbegan.Ihadnoideawhathehadinstoreforme,andhespecificallygave

menohints,sothatIwouldn’t“freakout.”Well,thenotknowingmademefreakoutevenmore.

Itookashowertopassthetimeandcouldnotforthelifeofmedecidewhattowear.Whatdoes

oneweartoadatewithdisaster?Regardlessofwhereweendeduptonight,Iwasgoingtobeonesweaty,
panicky,white-knuckledmess.

Ifinallysettledonapairofjeansandafittedblackt-shirt.Imightaswellbecomfortableand

honestly,whywouldIneedtodressup?It’snotlikeJakeisgoingtonoticehowcutemyassiswhenIam
keeledoveronthegroundhyperventilating.

At3:15,Idecidedtositandwaitinthelivingarea,attemptingtodistractmyselfbywatchingthe

Katieshow.Thetopicwasaboutcloseencounterswithdeath.Ishutitoffbecauseitwasatriggerformy
anxiety.

Thedooropened,andJakewalkedinwithacoupleofpapershoppingbags,grinningfromearto

ear.

“Hey,littlemisssunshine!Areyouexcitedaboutourdate?”
Thatsuddenlymademenauseous,andIcouldn’ttellifitwasbecausehecalleditadateor

becauseIwasabouttomakeafoolofmyselftonight.“Ididn’trealizeitwasadate.”

“It’sadatewithdestiny.Freedomawaitsyouonceyoucangetpastallofthisshityouaredoingto

yourself.”

Thanksforclarifyingthedatething,jackass.
Thefactthathelookedscorchinghotrightnowinaredplaidshirtthatopeneduptoafittedblack

t-shirtunderneathwasn’thelpingmyconfusedstate.

Iraisedmynecktopeekintothebags.“Whatdidyoubuy?”
Heshooedmeaway.“Justsomesupplieswe’llneed.”
“Great,”Isaidsarcastically.
JaketookthebagstohisroomwhileIwaitedonthecouch.Hereemergedwithalargeblack

backpack.

“Let’sgo,Nina.Youready?”
Igotupandswallowed.“AsreadyasI’lleverbe.”
Anotherwaveofnauseacamewhenwehitthepavementofthesidewalk,andIknewtherewasno

turningback.

Tomakemattersworse,Mrs.Ballsworthywasatthewindowwatchingus,andwhenIlookedup

ather,shegavemethedirtiestlookbeforeshuttingit.ThatwasallIneededrightnow.Jakehadn’t
noticed,soIdidn’tmentionit.

IcouldfeelhimlookingatmeasIstareddownatthegroundwhilewewalkedtogether,oursteps

insynch.Atonepoint,hestoppedwalking,andIturnedaroundtofacehim.

“Whydidyoustop?Iasked.
Heapproachedmeandputbothofhishandsonmyshoulders.Ishiveredattheunexpectedcontact,

andaswestoodonthestreetcorner,helookedintomyeyesintently.

“Nina,Icantellyou’regoingthroughalltheselittlescenariosinyourheadrightnow.It’snot

helping.Theonlythingthatiseverhappeningtoyouiswhatishappeninginthemoment,notallofthe
disastrouspossibilitiesinyourmind.So,cuttheshit,okay?I’mnotgoingtoletanythinghappentoyou.”

WhileIdidn’tlikethetoneofhisvoice,thelastpartgavemesomecomfort.
WecontinuedwalkinguntilwecameacrosswhatIbelievedwasourdestination:DeKalbAvenue

subwaystation.Iwashonestlyrelievedthathehadchosenthesubwayasmyexercise,sinceitwasthe
lesseroftheevils.Nevertheless,Iwantedtostall.

“Wherearewegoing?”Iasked.
Heliftedhisarmsandsmiled.“Manhattan,baby!”
“That’sit?Howlongistheride?”
“Notlong,butIdidn’tcalculateit.”JakewalkedafewstepsdownintothestationasIstoodon

thesidewalkabove.Heturnedaroundandstaredupatme.

Mypulsequickened,andIclosedmyeyesunsureofwhattodonext.Mymindflashedimagesof

beingstucklikeasardineinthattincan.WhenIopenedmyeyes,hewasstillstandinginthesamespot.
Hislargegreeneyeslitupfromthedarknessofthestairwell.

Hewassobeautiful.Ijustcouldn’tmove,though.
Hestoodtherepatientlyonthestepswaitingformetocomedown.Iwasfrozen.Finally,helifted

hishandtowardmeandsilentlyurgedmewithhissteadygazetowalkdownandtakeit.

“Nina,comeon.I’vegotyou,”hefinallysaid.
Atthatmoment,somethingclicked,andImovedtowardhim.Hiswarmhandenvelopedmine,and

ourfingersintertwined.Histhumbringpressedagainstmyskinasheheldmyhandtightlyandledme
downthestairwell,whichsmelledofurine.

IfIweren’tsoterrifiedofactinglikeacompletelunaticonthetrain,thismomentwouldhavebeen

epic.Itwasamixedbagofemotionswithfearandlustshiningaboveall.Mybodywastremblingin
confusion.

IfeltasuddencoldnessasJakeletgoofmyhandtopayforoursubwaycards.
Hethankedthesubwayworkerandsurprisedmewhenhegrabbedmyhandagain.Thebutterflies

inmystomachwerenowdoingsomersaultsasheledmethroughtheturnstiles.

Wesatdownonabenchaswewaitedforthetraintoarrive.Disappointingly,heletgoofmy

hand.

Then,hepattedmyback.“You’redoingokaysofar.”
“Yeah,”ImanagedtosayasIcontinuedtobreatheheavily.Ikeptnoddingfornoreasonand

wishedthetrainwouldjusthurryupandgetthere.

TheBtrainfinallyapproachedandgrindedtoascreechinghalt.Hetookmyhandagainandled

meontothecrowdedtraincar,whichwasbustlingwitheveningcommuters.

Therewerenoseats,whichdidn’tmattertome.Ipreferredtostand,sincethatmadeforaneasier

exitifIeverhadtoleapoutatthenextstop.

Whenthetraindoorsclosed,thepanicreallybegantosetin.Ifeltcompletelytrappedandbegan

toshakeuncontrollably.

Jakeputbothofhishandsonmytremblingarmscausingmyconflictingemotionstoassaultone

another.Lustwaswinningbyathread.“It’sokaytofeelnervous,Nina.You’renotsupposedtobe
comfortable.Stoptryingtofightitandjustletthosefeelingsbethere.”

Whenheletgoofme,mybodycravedthereturnofhistouch.Ijustwantedhimtoholdmeuntil

thisdisastrousfeelingpassedoruntilwegotoutofthattraincar.Tryingtocalmmyself,Ifocusedona
babywhowassittingonhermother.Ifshecoulddothis,Icould.Shesmiledatme,andIsmiledback.

Hewaslookingatme,butmyshamekeptmefrommakingeyecontact.Iwasstillshiveringwhile

holdingontoapole.Itwasdifficulttoaccepttheuncomfortablefeelingsinsteadoffightingthem.Thetrain
swayed,andIcouldn’ttellifitwasthenormalmovementofthevesselormyskewedperceptiondueto
nerves.

IjumpedwhenJakegrabbedmychinforcingmyeyesonhis.“Howareyoudoing?”
“Fine.Ijustwantthistobeover.”
“Ourstopisnext.”Hesmiled.
Immediatereliefwashedovermeuponhearingthat,andthelastfewminutesoftheridewere

somewhatbearablebecausetherewasnowalightattheendofthetunnel.

Whenthetrainstoppedatthe8

Avenuestation,IfollowedJakeoutofthecar.Mybreathing

immediatelyslowed,andIfeltontopoftheworld.Iwasfree.

Turningtomeontheplatform,hesmiledandsaid,“You’restillwithus.Wasthatsobad?”
Ibreathedasighofrelief.“ItwasaboutwhatIexpected,butIamgladit’sover.Canwetakea

cabhomenow?”

Hestaredatmesilentlyforseveralsecondsbeforeleadingmethroughtheturnstilesandupthe

stairstothestreetsofManhattan.Thenoiseandsmellsofthecitywereastarkcontrasttothedarksubway
station.Ihoped,atleast,hewastakingmesomewherefun.

“Jake?Wherearewegoing?”
HestoppedshortinfrontofaChineserestaurant.ThescentofroastingchickensandMSGwas

nauseating.Heturnedaroundtomeasswarmsofpeoplerushinghomefromworkbrushedpastus.
“Nina…”

Then,Ihadalightbulbmoment,lookingatthelargebackpackhesaidcontainedsuppliesandmy

heartsank.

“Thesubway.Thatwasn’ttheexercise…itwasjustameanstogethere.You’retakingme

somewherenow,aren’tyou?”

Jakenodded.“Youneedtotrustme,okay?”
Panicstartedtobuildalloveragain.Thesoundsofcarhornsfromthestreetseemedtogetlouder

asmynervesbecamesensitized.

IlickedmylipsnervouslyaswewalkedsidebysidethroughthesidewalksofNewYork.
Iturnedmyheadtohimaswecontinuedwalkingatafastpace.“Whereareyoutakingme,Jake?

Tellme!”

“IfItellyou,youaregonnaoverreact.Justwaituntilwegetthere,andrememberwhatIsaid.I

wouldn’tletanythingbadhappentoyou.”

“WhatifIcan’tdoit?”
“Youalwayshaveachoice.Butifyouchoosetobackawayfromthis,ourdealisoff.Intheend,

youknowyou’donlybelettingyourselfdown.”

Aswewalkedinsilenceforaboutthreemoreblocks,hestoppedinfrontofahigh-riseapartment

building.“Hereweare.”

Ihesitatedbeforefollowinghimintothefrontdoor.Afriendly-lookingheavysetmangreetedus

andsmackedhandswithJake.

“Jake,myman,howgoesit?”Hesmiled.
“Good,good,Vinny.Thisismyfriend,Nina.”

Vinnystuckouthishand.“Nina,it’sapleasure.”
“Samehere,”Isaid.
JaketurnedtoVinny.“Westillgoodtogo?”
“Yeah,man.Noproblematall.Takeaslongasyouneed.”
“Thanks,Vin.I’lloweyouone.”Jaketurnedtome.“Comeon.”
“Whoishe?”
“Anoldfriend.Hemanagesthebuilding.”
Jakeledmethroughthefoyeranddownahallway.Iknewwherethiswasheading,anditwasnot

good.Westoppedinfrontofanelevator,andhepushedtheupbutton.

Thiswasmyabsoluteworstnightmare.Ipleadedwithhim.“Jake,listen,Idon’tknowifRyan

eversaidanything,butthiswholething…allofmyproblems…theystartedinanelevator.Itwaswhere
myfirstpanicattackhappened.Iwasinhighschoolandgotstuckinoneand—”

“Allthemorereasontogetpastthat.Ifyougetinonerightnow,youcanhelpundothedamage

createdbyyourownmind.”

Igrabbedhisarmandbegged.“Please…I’lldoanythingelsebutthis.”Myeyeswerebeginningto

wellup.

Whenthedooropened,hestuckhishandinsidetokeepitfromclosing.Whenhelookedbackat

me,henoticedIwasstartingtocry.

“Fuck.Nina,don’tcry.Comeon,Ipromiseyouthatnothingwillhappentoyouinthere.”
Ishookmyheadandcoveredmyfacetomaskmytears.Iwasdisappointedinmyselfforreacting

thisway,butthiswastoobigofaleaptotakesosoon.Justthesightofthatdeathboxmademewantto
runfaraway.Icouldn’timaginehavingtosetfootinit.

Hethrewhisbackpackintotheelevatorandcontinuedtostandintheopening,holdingthedoor

openonewithofhishandsandreachingtheotheroutformetotake.

Iconsideredrunning.Iconsideredpretendingtopassout.Iconsideredscreamingforhelp.Inthe

endthough,IlookedintoJake’seyes,decidingtotrusthimandtookhishand,lettinghimpullmeintothe
elevator.Hetriedtoreleaseme,butIgrabbedontohishandtighter.

“Leavethedooropen,”Idemanded.
“Okay.Wecantakethisslow.”
Jakekepthishandontheopendoorbutton.“Youtellmewhenyouarereadytotakearide.”
“Iwon’teverbeready.Don’tyouunderstand?Iwon’teverbereadyforthatdoortoclose.”
“Thenyouneedtoletmedecidewhen,okay?Youtrustme,Nina?”
Ilookedathispleadingeyesandsqueezedhishandtighter.
Whydidhecare?Whydidhewanttodothisforme?
“Iprobablyshouldn’ttrustyou,Jake,butthetruthis,Ido.Iamjustscared.”
IknewIhadtodothis.IfIcouldn’tdothistoday,withthiscrazyguywhowaswillingtohelpme

throughit,Iwouldneverbeabletodoitmyself.Itwasonlygettingworseovertime.Evenifitkilledme,
IknewIhadtolethimclosethatdoor.

“Nina,I’mgoingtoletthedoorsclosenow,okay?”
Inoddedsilentlyandwatchedashetookhisfingeroffofthebutton.Whenthedoorsclosed

completely,Ibegantoshakeuncontrollably.MemoriesofthelasttimeIwasinanelevatorflashed
throughmymind.

Hepushedabutton,andastheelevatorbegantoriseup,Iinstinctivelyleanedintohim,holdingon

fordearlife.Icouldfeelhischesttightenasmynailsdugintohim,andIclosedmyeyes,breathinginhis
scenttocalmmynerves.Iwasterrifiedanddidn’tcarehowfoolishIlooked.Ineededhimtoholdonto
me,becauseitfeltlikeIwasgoingpassout.

“You’redoinggood,”hewhisperedintomyear,whichwasrightunderhismouth.“Look.We’re

onfiftynow.”

Ishookmyhead,whichwasburiedinhisarmpit.“Don’ttellme!Idon’twanttoknowhowhigh

weare.”

Myheartwaspoundingagainsthimforatleastaminute.
Jaketappedme.“Nina,youdidit.Wereachedtheeightiethfloor.”Hereleasedmefromhisgrip,

andIwasstillbreathingheavilyasthedoorsopened.“Youwanttowalkarounduphereforabitordo
youwannagorightbackdown?”

“Gobackdown.Please,”Iurged.Ijustwantedtogetthisoverwith.
“Yougotit,”hesaidashepressedthedownbutton,andthedoorsclosed.
Istartedtocalmdownabit.Ijusthadtokeepmyselffromhyperventilatingorfaintingontheway

down,andIcouldmakeitoutofthisboxalive.Iclutchedhisshirtagain,usinghimforsupport.Icould
feelhisbreathandsmellthemintgumhewaschewing.

Ipeekedatthenumbersandsawsixty-five,sixty-four,sixty-three,sixty-two,andthenithappened:

amassivejoltastheelevatorcametoanabrupthalt.

TherushofpanicthatsweptthroughmeinthatsecondwasthemostoverpoweringIhadever

experienced,andmybodyburneduplikeafirehadstartedinside.

Iscreamed.
“Jake!Jake?We’restuck!What’shappening?What’shappening?”
“Shh.”Hewashushingmetocalmmedown,andittookmeafewsecondstonoticehisrelaxed

expression…andthathishandwasonthestopbutton.

“Pleasetellme…you…didnotjuststopthiselevator?”
“Calmdown,Nina.Calmdow—”
Ismackedhiminthechestwithallofmymight.
“Thefuck,Nina.Stop!”heyelledashegrabbedmyhandsandlockedthemtogetherinhispalms.

Hewasstrong,andIstoodnochanceoffreeingthem.Heblockedaccesstothebuttonsasheheldmy
handstogether.

Iwaspanting.“Youtoldmeyouwouldn’tforcemetodoanythingIwasn’tcomfortablewith.Iam

beggingyou…tomovethiselevator…now!”

Hesqueezedmyhands,securingthemevenmorefirmlyinhisgrasp.“Nina,calmdown.It’sokay.

Don’tyouseeyouhavetostickthisout?Youhavetopassthroughthemomentofpanic.Ifyoucangetpast
thatandseethatnothinghappens,youcandoanything.”

“Idon’twantto.It’snotworthit!”
“What’snotworthit?”
“Experiencingthis…thesehorriblefeelings!”IfeltlikeIwasstartingtohyperventilateasmy

breathbecameimpossibletocatch.

“Nothingisactuallyhappeningtoyourightnow.It’syouandmestandinghere.That’sit.It’sallin

yourmind.”Heletgoofmyhandsandcuppedmyface.“Lookatme.”HelookedintomyeyesandIcould
onlyimaginethefreakhesawlookingbackathim.Heinchedcloseranddespitemynerves,mylegs
tingledwhenIfelthisbreathonmymouthashesaid,“Ifyoumakemepushthatbutton,thedeal’soff.”

“Fine…deal’soff…doit.Now!”
Hereleasedhishandsfrommyfacethenstoodinfrontofthebuttons,crossinghisarms.Heshook

hisheadvehemently.“No.”

“Jake…pushthebutton.”
“No.You’dbebackatsquareone.Youhavetogetoverthis,andtheonlywayistoexperienceit.

I’mnotlettingyougiveupthateasily.”

Ibeganscreamingforhelpandtriedtonudgehimawayfromthepanel,buthewastoostrong,soI

punchedthebackwallinfrustration.

Iwasshaking,feltdefeatedandsaidundermybreath,“Fuckme!Ican’tbelievethis.”
“Well,that’sonewaywecouldpassthetime,butIdon’tmakeahabitofdoingthatwithwomenin

themidstofahyperventilationepisode.It’stooconfusing…hardtotellwhat’sactuallycausingtheheavy
breathing.”

Istifledalaughbuttriednottolethimseeit.“Veryfunny,”Isaid.
“Iwaskidding,ofcourse.Justtryingtomakeyoulaugh,butapparentlyit’snotworking,”hesaid

ashecontinuedtostandagainstthepanel,hiscriss-crossed,tattooedarmsnotbudging.

Iwalkedovertotheothersideoftheelevatorandsliddowntothefloor.Ihuggedmyself,rocking

backandforthinanefforttocalmmypanic.Withmyeyesclosed,IcouldhearthesoundofJakeopening
thezipperofhisbackpackandtriedtoimagineIwassomewhereelse,anywherebutstuckinthisdeath
trap.

Breathein.Breatheout.
Severalminutespassedinsilence,asIkeptmyheaddowninafetalposition.Iwasbeginningto

calmdownatinybitwhenithappened:whatsoundedlikeanexplosion.

SheerterrorensuedasIjumpedandscreamedsimultaneously.WhenIlookedoveratJake,hewas

onthegroundlaughinghysterically,coveredinfoam,holding…abottleofchampagne.

Sonofabitch.
“Jake!Whatthehell?WhatTHEhell?”
Champagnedrippeddownthebottlethatheheldaboveourheads.“We’recelebrating!”
“Youaresick!”
“Wearecelebratingyoursurvival,Nina!It’sbeentwelveminutesandthirty-threesecondssince

thiselevatorstopped,andyouarestillalive.”

Hisanticsonlygotworsewhenheproducedtwochampagneflutesfromthebackpack,followed

byasmallblanket,whichhefluffeddramaticallybeforeplacingitdownontothemiddleofthefloor.

“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Whatdoesitlooklikewe’redoing?We’rehavingapicnic.”
HethentookoutaniPod,speakerandabunchoffoodfromTraderJoe’s:crackers,hummusand

chocolatecoveredcherries.

“Youarenotserious!”
“Deadserious.Weneedtochangeyournegativeconnotationofelevators.Thelasttimeyouwere

inthissituation,youassociateditwithdarknessandmisery.Now,thenexttimeyougetstuckinone,
you’llthinkoftheamazeballspicnicwe’regonnahave.”

Jakepouredthechampagneintothetwoglassesandhandedmeone.Ididn’textendmyhand.

“You’rebeingajackass.”

Heglaredatme.“Youcantakeit,orIcandrinkitall.Then,you’lljustbestuckinthiselevator

withadrunkjackass.”

Iletoutasighandreluctantlytooktheglass.Hebeganopeningthepackagesoffoodhebrought

andpoppedachocolatecoveredcherryintohismouth.“Theseareawesome.Tryone,”hesaidashe
handedmethecontainer.Ihadnoappetitebuttookoneandateit.Hewasright.Itwasdelicious.

IshookmyheadasIrealizedthat,forafewseconds,hehadreallydistractedme,andIhad

stoppedfocusingonthepotentialfordisaster.Ihadbeenlivinginthemomentwithoutevenrealizingit.
Whilenotgoneentirely,thefearhadsomewhatsubsidedinthemidstofthisabsurdsetup.

IstayedquietinmycorneroftheelevatorandrolledmyeyesasJakespreadsomehummusontoa

crackerandateit.JustwhenIthoughtthingscouldn’tgetanymorebizarre,hestartedfiddlingwithhis
iPod,connectingittoaspeaker.Ittookmeafewsecondstorealizewhatsonghehadplayed:Free
Fallin’byTomPetty.

Thatjerk!Istartedtolaughandcoveredmymouth.

Jake,whohadbeenseriousforthemostpart,asidefromthechampagnepopping,alsostartedto

crackupwhenhesawhehadbrokenthroughmybitterness.

“NinaKennedy.IsthatalaughIhear?Areyouseriouslymakinglightofthisdangerousandlife

threateningsituationwearein?Shameonyou!”

Ibegantolaughevenharder,andhethrewacherryatmeasheflashedawickedgrin.
“Jake,youarenuts,youknowthat?”
“Oh!Speakingofnuts…”Heliftedhisfingerandreachedintohisbackpack.“Youneedtosample

mynuts,Nina.Trythese.”Hesnickeredknowinghehadsucceededinembarrassingme.“Whyareyou
blushing?”

Laughing,Isaid,“Idon’twanttotasteyournuts,thanks.”Whenhehandedmethecontainer

anyway,Ilookedatitandsaid,“Chocolatecoveredbrazilnuts?Ihaveneverhadthese.”Itookoneand
ateit.“Mmm.Theyaregood.”

Hissmileshonethroughtheglassashesippedmorechampagne.“See?”
Severalminutespassedaswejokedaroundwhilelisteningtothemusic,pickingatthefoodand

finishingoffthechampagne.Myfearlevelhadgonedownevenmoresignificantly.

IshookmyheadagainasIrealizedthatthenextsongonJake’s“terrorizeNina”playlistwas

StuckintheMiddlewithYoubyStealer’sWheel.

“Youlikethat,huh?”helaughed.
Ishookmyhead,juststaringathiminawe.“You’recrazy…butyouknowwhat?Iamnot

panickinganymore,sothereissomethingtothis.”

Hewinked.“Goodgirl.”
Somethingaboutthewayhesaidthatmademeshiver.IknewImustbecalmingdownbecausemy

bodysuddenlybecamehyperawareofhim.

Lustwaswinningagain.
Morecarefullyselectedsongsplayedoneaftertheotheraswecontinuedtoeat,andsincemy

nervesweredesensitizing,IhadbeguntakingnoticeofalltheotherthingsIhadbeenmissing,like,how
incrediblehesmelled.Thistime,itwasjustthecolognewithoutthecigarettes.Hishairwasperfectly
styledandgelled.Thefittedteeheworeundertheplaidshirthuggedhischest.Thesleeveswererolled
up,showingoffhisstrongforearms.Ilookedcloselyatthecoloredtatsonhisrightarm,unableto
decipherwhattheyallmeant.HewaswearingblackjeansandblackConversesneakers.Hisfeetwere
laidoutnexttome,andtheywerelarge,maybesizeeleven.Thatremindedmeofhishandandhowbig
andwarmitfeltwhenheheldmyhandonthesubwaytrip.

Hesmelledgoodenoughtoeat.
Jakeinterruptedmythoughts.“EarthtoNina!”
Iblinked.“Hi.”
“Haveyouhadyourfill?
Ishookmyhead.“Excuseme?”
“ShouldIputthisstuffaway?”
“Oh…yeah…um…yes.”
Ilaidmyheadbackontheelevatorwall,exhaustedfrommyearlierself-inducedpanicepisode.I

wasnotcompletelycalmbyanymeansbutwassurprisedtoknowthatstickingitoutactuallydidwork.I
hadbeensurethatifIcouldn’tescapeaterrifyingsituation,Iwouldfaintorevendiefromthepanic.The
feelingsreallydosubsideeventually.Andifyoucanreachthatpoint,it’sactuallyexhilarating.Whatgoes
upmustcomedown,Iguess.

Jakehadjustaboutfinishedputtingtheitemsbackintohisbackpackwhenthemusicchanged.He

joinedmeinleaninghisheadagainstthebackwallandclosedhiseyes.Hewassittingfarawayfromme
andIachedforhimtomovecloser.Thetoneofthisnewsongwascompletelydifferentfromtheother

ones.Itwasmellowwithverylittleinstruments.Thefemalesingerhadasoothing,folksyvoice.Itwas
unfamiliar,butthewordswerebreathtaking.Thesongwasaboutawomanwhogetsstuckinanelevator
withastrangershewaswaryofinitially,buthereallygrowsonher,andshestartstofallforhim,
realizingeventuallythattheirgettingstucktogetherwasmeanttobeandmagical.

IopenedmyeyestolookoveratJake,whostillhadhiseyesclosed.“Whosingsthis?”Iasked.
“It’sasongIfoundonlinecalledStuckintheElevatorbyEdieBrickell.Youlikeit?”
“Yeah.Ido.”
“Good.”
“You’restillinsane,though.”
Heopenedhiseyes,turnedtomeandsmiled.Hisdimplescompletelydidmeinatthatpoint.Then

heclosedhiseyesagainlisteningtothesong,andonceagain,Igottolookathishandsomefaceinpeace,
withouthisknowing.Hisnosewasperfect,nottoobigandnottoosmall.Hislipswerecrimsonandthe
loweronewiththelipringwasslightlymoreprominent.Inoticedthathisdarklashesweremuchlonger
thanmine.

IthoughtabouthowmyfatherwouldreactifheknewIwasstuckinanelevatorwithaguyas

“dangerous”lookingasJake.Dadlikelywouldn’tgettheirony:thatJakehaddonemoreformethanall
theotherstraight-lacedguysIhadeverknownputtogether.Myassholeexonlylaughedatmyphobias
insteadofhelpingmethroughthem.Hewastoobusycheatingonme.

Ididn’treallyknowmuchaboutJake’slifeatall.WhatIdidknowforsurewasthathewas

complexandclosedoff.Forsomeonewhohaddonesomuchformeinashortamountoftime,heoffered
verylittleabouthimself.Buthedidn’thavetosayanythingformetoknowthatwhatyousawwasnot
whatyougot.Hischoosingthisemotionalsongconfirmedit.

TherewassomuchIwantedtoaskhim,somuchIwantedtoknow,butIwasafraidtofindout.I

didn’treallywanttohearwhatIsuspected…thathehadagirlfriendinBoston.WasithisgirlfriendthatI
overheardhimwiththatfirstdayImovedin?Therehadn’tbeenanygirlsinthehousesince.Truthfully,I
alsodidn’treallywanttohearthatIwasn’thistype.

Iwonderedifhereallyunderstoodhowmuchwhathehaddoneformetodaymeant.Ialso

wonderedifheknewthatIfeltexactlylikethewomansingingthissong.ThatifIhadtobestuckinan
elevatorwithanyone,Iwasgladitwaswithhim.

Iturnedawaywhenheabruptlyopenedhiseyesandasked,“Youwanttogetgoing?”
“Youmeanyouaregoingtoputmeoutofmymisery?”
“Yeah,thatwasthedeal.Whenyoufinallyrelaxed…oh,Iwouldsaysomewhereinthemiddleof

It’sASmallWorldAfterAll…themissionhadbeenaccomplished.Youknow,whenyou’renot
hyperventilating,you’reactuallykindoffuntobearound.”Hesmiled.“Readytogetmoving?”

Ithoughtaboutit.“Inaminute.Letthissongfinish.”
Jakewinkedatmeagain,andsuddenly,Iwasn’tsureifIeverwantedtoleave.

CHAPTER8

ThenextmorningIwokeuptoanotherpaperbatbymybedsidethatsaid:

Youdidn’trun…yousawitthrough.

Mr.Batisproudofyou.

IwonderedwhenhehadputitthereandifIwasasleepanddroolingwhenhedidit.Iclutchedthe

battomychestclosingmyeyes,grinningfromeartoear.Ihadfeltsuchasenseofaccomplishmentafter
yesterday.Thesubwayridehomewasapieceofcake,too,aftersurvivingtheelevator.

ItwasFriday,soJakehadalreadyleftthehouse.HeusuallytooktheAmtraktraintoBostonfor

theweekendstraightfromwork.Iwouldn’tseehimuntilSundaynightorMonday,dependingonhowlate
hereturnedtoBrooklyn.

Thehousewasbasicallyboringonweekendswithouthimaround.TarahandRyanwouldaskme

totagalongwiththemtothecityortoamovie,butIusuallydeclinedandoptedtostayhomeandstudyor
catchuponlaundry.

***

EarlySundayevening,Ihadfinishedmostofmyhomeworkanderrandsandfoundmyselfalonein

thehouseagain.ThedoortoJake’sroomwasleftcrackedopen,soIwentinside,ploppingdownontop
ofhisbed.Hissignaturescentwasalloverthecomforter.Iburiedmynoseinit,imaginingthatitwas
him.

Isatuponhisbedforabitandlookedaround,bouncingeversoslightlyonthefirmmattress.

Therewasacollectionofpensonhisbedsidetableaswellasacigarettelighter.Oddly,nexttothepens
werefourofthosepinwheelsthatkidsmightgetatacarnival.Itookoneandblewonit,watchingitspin.
Jakewassopuzzling.

IopenedthebedsidedrawerandimmediatelyshutitwhenInoticedastripofcondomsinsidenext

toapackofcigarettes.ItremindedmeoftheupsettingfactthattheguyIwasinfatuatedwithwashaving
sexwithsomeoneorsomepeopleotherthanme.Cigarettes,condoms…pinwheels,youknow,theusual
stuffyoufoundin24-year-oldguy’sbedroom.

Igotupandwalkedovertothepictureonhischestofdrawersofhistwinniecesthatsatnextto

thegargoylefigurinecollection.Maybethepinwheelswereforthem?Thegirlswerebeautifulandlooked
somuchlikehimwiththesamedarkhair,lighteyesanddimples.

Hisclosetwasopen,anditsmelledevenbetterthanhiscomforter.Iranmyfingeracrossthe

hangingshirtsthatweremostlyblackandnavywithafewplaidsmixedinandlookeddownatthecloset
flooratthemessofshoesstrewnabout,mostlyConverseandDocMartens.

Isatbackdownonthebedandnoticedastackoflargesketchpadsleftoutonhisdesk.Igrabbed

thefirstoneoffofthestackandgotchillsasIflippeditopen.

Whatmyeyesweremetwithtookmybreathaway.Thefirstpicturewasanamazinglylifelike

drawingofamanonamotorcycle.Themanwasdrawnfrombehind,andonlyhisfacewasturnedaround
lookingoverhisshoulder.Hiseyesseemedtobestaringatmerightoffofthepage.Howyoucouldmake
thathappenwithpencilwasbeyondme.Thedrawing,withitstextureandshadowing,justseemedto
cometolife.Jakedrewthis?Itwasunbelievable.

Ikeptgoingthroughthebook,andeachdrawingwasbetterthanthelast.Anotheronewasofthe

samemanridingthemotorcycleintothecloudsinthesky.Therewerealsoalotofdrawingsofthesame
womanorgirl,withwildcurlyhair.Inoneofthem,shewasdancingintherainandhadalongskirtthat
seemedtomovewithinthepicture.Theywerealldonesolelyinpencilwithblendsofcharcoaland
graphite.

Therewasanotherpictureofabutterfly,butthecenterwasalifelikewoman,insteadofathorax.

Thedrawingsweresointricate,andtheattentiontodetailwasimpressive.Ifeltguiltyforlookingthrough
thebook,butJakeleftitrightonhisdesk,soitcouldn’thavebeensomethinghewastryingtohide.
Right?Atleast,Imademyselfbelievethat.

Ifinishedgoingthroughthefirstsketchpadandbecamehungryformore.Igrabbedtheentirepile

anddevouredeachonewithmyeyes.Somewereofpeopleandotherswerejustnaturescenes.Certain
onesweresostunning,thatIhadtostopandstareatthemforseveralminutesatatime,examiningevery
lastdetail.Then,IwouldgobacktosomeofthepicturesagainifIcouldn’tgettheimageoutofmyhead.

IwasfranticallysearchingthesephotosforcluesaboutJake’slife.Witheachdrawing,Iwasmore

andmoreconfusedaboutthepossiblemeanings.Weretheybasedonrealpeopleorjustcharactershe
createdfromhisimagination?JakewasevenmorecomplicatedthanIoriginallythought.

Atonepoint,Irestedmyheadonhisblackpillowcase,relishingtherusticmasculinearomathat

invadedmysenses.Betweenthedrawingsandtheintoxicatingscent,Iwassuperaroused.

Severalminutespassed,andIgraduallybecamedrowsy,decidingtoclosemyeyes.Thatwasthe

lastthingIrememberedbeforeIawoketoJakestandingovermewithadeathstare,asIlayonhisbed
amidstapileofhisprivatesketches.

***

WasIdreaming?Irubbedmyeyesfromthesuddenbrightness.Therealizationthatthissituation

wasnotimaginedcausedmyhearttoexplodeoutofmychest.ItfeltlikeIwasalsoabouttolosecontrol
ofmybladder,soIclenchedthemusclesbetweenmythighsandjumpedup,scootingbackagainstthe
headboard.

“Jake…Icanexplain.”
“Whatthefuck,Nina?”hewhisperedhoarsely,histoneangry.
Thesadanddisappointedlookinhiseyesscaredme,andIwasevenmoreterrifiedbecauseIhad

putittherebyviolatinghisprivacy.

HishairwasdrippingwetfromtherainwhichIcouldnowhearpoundingagainstthewindow.

Underdifferentcircumstances,beingholedupinhisroomduringarainstormwouldhavebeenadream,
onethatwouldnotincludehimlookinglikehewantedtomurderme.

Hecontinuedtostandovermespeechless,andIknewIhadtosaysomething,butthewordsjust

wouldn’tcomeout.Inoticedhisbackpackwasthrownclumsilyinthemiddleofthefloor.

Afterseveralsecondspassed,Iclearedmythroatandstartedwithawhitelieaboutthereasonfor

goingintohisroom.“Um…afewhoursago,Iwasaloneinthehouse,andyourdoorwasopen.Ihad
thoughtIleftthemathworkbookinhere,soIcameinside.Inoticedthesesketchbooks.Ionlymeantto
peekinatthetopone,butwhenIsawhowamazingthefirstdrawingwas…Ijustcouldn’tstoplooking.”

Heswallowedandcontinuedtolookatmewithaburningstare,butsaidnothing.Hischestwas

risingashebreathedinandout.Shit.

Icontinued.“Imusthaveclosedmyeyesandfallenasleep.”
Jakeblinkedrepeatedlybutwasstillsilent.Atrickleofrainwaterrandownhisforehead.
Myvoicewasshaking.“Iamreallysorry.Ishouldhaveneverthoughtitwasokaytolookatyour

stuff.Fortherecord,theyarethemostphenomenaldrawingsIhaveeverseen.”

Isatthereagainstthebackheadboardfrozenwithmykneestomychest.Jakesaidnothingashe

movedcloserandtookthesketchpads,pilingthemontopofeachother.Then,hereturnedthemtotheir
originalspotonthedesk.

“Again,I’msorry,”Isaid.
Istartedtogetupplanningtoreturntomyroom,humiliated.Justthen,Ifeltafirmgriponmy

wrist,andthereturnofhisvoiceshookme.“Whereareyougoing?”

“Backtomyroom.”
Hepushedmebackdowngentlyandreleasedhisgrasp.“Juststay.”
Huh?Myheartbeatfaster.
“Stay?Whatdoyoumean?”

“Imean…youwerecomfortablehere.Juststay.”

“You’renotmadatme?”
Heshookhishead.“Ididn’tsaythat.Youshouldn’thavebeensnooping.”
“Iknow.Ireallyamsorry.”
Jakedidn’trespondtomyapology.Instead,hewalkedovertothedoor,closeditandshutoffthe

light.Ilookedatthedigitalclock,whichsaid11:30.ItwaslaterthanIthought.Onlythestreetlights
outsideilluminatedtheroomnow,asheremovedhiswetjacketandthrewitonthefloor.Then,hepulled
hist-shirtoverhisheadandwascompletelyshirtless.

Oh…wow…okay.
Ibitdownonmybottomliphard,andmybodytrembledasheapproachedthebed.
Yeah,thiswasmorelikethedreamIhadimagined.
“Scootover,”hesaidinalowvoice.
Iturnedtomysideandmovedtotheright,tuckingmyarmsundermychin.
AnindescribablesensationcameovermewhenIfelthiswarmrockhardchestupagainstmy

back.Then,heputhisarmaroundmywaist.Hewas…spooningme.

Holyshit.
Iclosedmyeyes,breathinginthemasculinesmellofhisbody:sweatmixedwithcologneand

rain,andIhopedhecouldn’tsensemynerves.Theroomwascompletelysilentasidefromthesoundof
therainpeltingthewindow,butIfeltlikehewouldbeabletohearmyheartbeatingthroughmyears.

Hisbreathingwasheavy,andIcouldfeelitonmyneck.Atonepoint,Iinadvertentlymovedand

brushedupagainstthemetalofhislipringanditcausedmetoflinch.

Hespokelowagainstmyback,hisvoicevibratingthroughme.“You’removingaroundalot.You

okaywiththis,Nina?Wouldyourathergobacktoyourbed?”

“No.Iwanttostay.”
Hehadnoideahowmuch.
“Good.”HisbodyseemedtorelaxfurtherintomineafterIsaidthatIwantedtostay.Hisnosewas

buriedinmyhairandIcouldfeelhimsmellingme.Hegrippedmywaistandtheheatofhisbreathbehind

mecontinuedtomakemecrazy.Myunderwearwascompletelysoakedfromtheneeddevelopingbetween
mylegs.

Ididn’tunderstandwhatthespooningmeantorreally,howsuchaninnocentthingcouldmakemy

bodyrespondthisway.Ijustknewthatitfeltamazingtobesoclosetohimandthatmyemotionswere
goinghaywire.Thosebutterfliesinmystomach?Theywereformingacongalinerightaboutnow.

Aftergettingaglimpseinsidehismindthroughthosedrawingsandafterbondingwithhiminthe

elevatorlastweek,lyingnexttohimlikethiswasthemostintimateexperienceIhadeverhad.

“Jake?”
“Yeah.”
“Ireallyamsorryforinvadingyourprivacy.”
Afteralongpause,hesaidintomyhair,“It’sokay,Nina.”
“Thankyou.”
“Nina?”
“Yeah?”
“Yourunderweardrawermightgetrearrangedthisweek.That’sallI’msayin.”
MybackmovedagainsthismouthasIgiggled.Istartedtorelax,andminuteslater,Ifellasleepin

hisarms.

CHAPTER9

Twoweekslater,andthingswithJakewerestrangerthanever.Ihadn’tsleptinhisbedeveragain

afterthatnight,andweneverspokeaboutthespooningorthedrawingsIdiscovered.ThemorningafterI
sleptinhisroom,Iwoketoanemptybedbecausehehadalreadyleftforwork.

Hetutoredmeacoupleofmoretimesandmadenoefforttotakethingsanyfurtherwithmethose

nightsaloneinhisroom.Hewasbasicallyactinglikenothingeverhappened.Asaprotectivemechanism,
Ihadconvincedmyselfthatthiswasforthebest.Inreality,hisindifferencemademefuriousand
unfortunately,evenmorephysicallyattractedtohim,ifthatwaspossible.

TheonlypositivethingtocomeoutoftheangerIfeltwasthatitmademefocusharderonmy

studies.Iwasnowinasecretmentalcompetitionwithhim,determinedtogetanAonmynextmathexam.
Ididn’twanttogivehimthesatisfactionoftakingmeonanotherexpeditionoffearandfeltlikeIneeded
toprovemyself.Atleast,itwasapositivewaytochannelthesexualfrustration.

That’snottosayIdidn’tclosemyeyesatnightandimaginehimlyingbehindme.Knowingwhat

thatactuallyfeltlikenowwasacurse.Keepingmyfeelingsincheckwassomucheasierbeforethatnight.
ButIwasalsodeterminedtomoveonfrommyinfatuationwithJake.

So,oneMondayafternoonaftermathclasswhenAlistairaskedmeforadatethefollowingFriday

night,myresponsewas,“Sure,whynot?”JakewouldbeonhiswaytoBostonbythetimeAlistaircame
topickmeupfromtheapartment,sotherewouldbenoawkwardness.NotthatJakewouldevencare,but
itmademefeelbetterknowingthathewouldn’tbetheretoscrutinizemydate.Alistairwasprettymuch
thepolaroppositeofJakeexceptforthefactthattheywerebothreallysmart.

***

TheWednesdayeveningbeforetheFridayofmydate,Ihadcomehomelatefromschooltofind

Ryan,TarahandJakesittinginthelivingroomwatchingtelevision.Itwasunusualforeveryonetobe
homeatonce.

Isilentlywavedhellotothemwithoutmakingeyecontactandwentstraighttomyroom.Iwasina

pissymoodandhadspentthegreaterpartofthewalkhomeangryatmyselfforobsessingoverJakeagain.
AndwhenMrs.Ballsworthytoldmeto“fuckoff”onthewayin,forthefirsttime,Iloudlyreturnedthe
sentiment;that’showbadofamoodIwasin.

Onceinmyroom,Itoreoffmyclothesandchangedintomyfavoritepinksweatpantsandputona

comfortablet-shirt.IwasabouttostartanewbookonmyKindlewhenJakeappearedatthedoorway.

Hestretchedhisarmsupandtouchedthetopofthethreshold.Whydidhehavetolooklikea

tattooedtrophyandsmellsogood?Hisshirtrodeup,showcasinghiswashboardstomachashestood
therebeforemesaying,“What…youdon’tsayhelloanymore?”

“Jake,I’mnotinthemood.”
Hewalkedslowlytowardme.“What’sgottenintoyou?”
Ididn’tsayanythinginresponse,sohecontinued,“Oristheproblemthat…nothing…ornoone…

hasgottenintoyoulately?”

IputdownmyKindleinshock.Thatbastard.“Whatdidyoujustsay?”
Hehelduphishands.“Relax,Nina.Itwasjustajoke!Youknow,you’rebeinguptight.Uptight

peopleneedtogetlaid?Justajoke.”

Ithrewapillowathim.“Getout.”
Hethrewitbackatme.“Fuck.Iwasonlykidding.Youusedtoappreciatemysicksenseof

humor,”hesaid,lookingseriouslypissed.

“Well,Ididn’tthinkthatwasfunny.”
“Whyhaveyoubeensoweirdlately?”heyelled.
“I’mbeingweird?”
Heglaredatme.“Yes,Nina,youare.”
Ihuffed.“Whatever.”
Jakejustshookhisheadbeforewalkingoutandslamminghisbedroomdoor.
Iputmyheadinmyhandsregrettingwhatjusthappened.Wasitme?WasIbeingabitchtohim

thesepastcoupleofweeksandtreatinghimdifferentlybecauseIsomehowfeltrejectedbyhim?DidI
makethespooningthingouttobesomethingthatitwasn’t?

MaybeIneededtocontrolmyfeelingsbetter,becauselosinghimasafriendwasnotanoption;

ThereweresofewpeopleIcouldcountonhereinNewYork,andIneededhiminmylife.

Iimmediatelygotupandwasgoingtowalkdownthehalltoapologizewhenweknockedright

intoeachotherashewaspassingmyroom.

“Ow,”Isaidrubbingmynose.
Hebrieflyheldontomyshoulders.“Watchitthere,Speedy.”
“Iwasactuallycomingtoapologize.IthinkIhavebeenalittletestylately.IguessIamjust

stressedoutaboutschoolandthemathexamtoday.”

Heshookhishead.“Ishouldn’thavesaidthattoyou,Nina.”Hiseyesweresincere,andIcould

tellhemeantit.

“It’sokay.Iknowyouwerejustjoking.”
Jakestuckouthishand.“Truce?”
“Truce,”Isaid,relishingthewarmthofhisfirmgriponmyhandandwishingthathisideaofa

truceinvolvedmorethanjustahandshake,somethinglike…oh…suckingonhisbottomlip.

Yeah,Iwasalostcause.
Heletgoofmyhand,andwewalkeddowntherestofthehallwaytothekitchentogether.
RyanshutoffthetelevisionthatheandTarahhadbeenwatchingintheadjacentlivingroom.

“TarahandIaregoingdowntoEleni’sforsomegrub.Youguyswannacome?”

Jakewasdrinkingstraightoutofanorangejuicecontainerwhenhestoppedandlookedoveratme

awaitingmyresponse.

“No,thanks.Iamnotthathungry…gonnajuststayhereandread,”Isaid.
Jakethenwavedhishand.“Nah,man,I’llpasstoo.”
“Okay,ya’ll.Suityourselves!”TarahsaidassheandRyanlefttheapartment.
Whenthedoorslammedshut,Jakewalkedovertothesofaandturnedonthetelevision.Itwasa

raresight,sincehespentmostofhistimeholedupinhisroomlisteningtomusic.Hewaschannelsurfing,
spreadinghislonglegsoutontothecoffeetableandlookedovertowardthekitchenatme.“Isn’tyourtest
gradesupposedtobeinbynow?”

“Yes.”Ismiledguiltily,knowingitwasmostdefinitelyin.Ihadbeenputtingofffindingoutwhat

itwas.

“Didyoucheck?”
“No.”
Withoutsayinganything,Jakeleftandreturnedfromdownthehallwithhislaptop.“Comeon,

Nina…it’sd-day.Ican’twaittotakeyouonthisnextone.IsitwrongI’mhopingforasuck-assgrade?”

“Yes…verywrong,”IsaidasIopenedthelaptop.
Hewasrubbinghishandstogether,intauntinganticipation.
“Areyoutryingtostartafirewiththosehandsofyours?”
“Justgearingupfortheinevitable.”
“Thanksfortheconfidence,”IsaidasItypedinthepassword.
“It’sgonnabeagoodone.YoushouldbehopingforaC.”
Jake’sexcitementaboutournextlittleadventuregavememixedfeelingstosaytheleast.
AsIscrolleddown,onceagain,InoticedAlistair’snamebeforemine.
AlistairYork:90.Well,whattyaknow,he’snotperfectafterall.
Jakeleanedin.HisbreathhitchedbecausehesawitbeforeIdid:
NinaKennedy:94.
Holycrap!
WhenIsawmyname,Ihadtoblinkmultipletimestomakesureitwasreal.IwasspeechlessasI

turnedtohim.

Jake’sdimpledsmilewasbiggerthantheJoker’s,andhethrewhisheadback.“NinaKennedy…

youfuckingrock,girl,”hesaidashepulledmeintohimhardforacongratulatoryhug.

Iclosedmyeyesandrelishedtheheatandfamiliarityofbeinginhisarmsagainamidstthe

excitementIfeltathavingachievedwhatIthoughtwasvirtuallyimpossible.Itwaseuphoric.Myheart
wasbeatingfastagainsthischest.

Hepulledbackwithhisarmsstillonmine,andhiseyessparkledasheshookme.“Nina…youdid

it!Youfuckingdidit!Wehavetocelebrate.”

“Jake,youdidthis.Ican’tthankyouenoughforallyourhelp.”
Iwantedtokisshim.
Hekeptsmilingatme,thensaid,“Wheredoyouwannago?Whatdoyouwanttodo?Anything

youwant.”

Iwanttofeelyouinsideofme.
“Actually,IknowjustwhatIwanttodorightnow,”Isaid.
“What?”
“Iwannamakeyouyourfavoritedessert.”
“No…comeon.Youshouldn’thavetocooktonight.”
“Iwantto,”Isaid.“Ioweyoubigtimeforthis,andIcouldreallygoforsomemyself.Plus,allthe

ingredientsarestillinthecabinetfromlasttime.”

“Well,ifyouinsist.YourBananasFosterislikecrack,soyou’renotgonnahearanyargument

fromme.”

“Ididn’tthinkIwould.”
AsIgatheredthepan,rum,spicesandbananas,Jakeleanedoverthecounterfollowingmewith

hiseyesasImovedaroundthekitchen.

“Iamalittlebummedabouttheexcursionyou’regonnamiss.Itwasgoingtobekiller.Butthere’s

alwaysnexttime,”hesaid.

“Nowyou’vegotmecuriousaboutwhatwasinstoreforme.SomethingtellsmeIdodgeda

massivebullet.”

Hisgrinsaiditall.“Youhavenoidea.”
“You’reevil,”Isaid,throwingabananaathim,whichhecaught.“Youcanpeel.I’llcut.”
“Icanhandlethat.I’mgoodatstrippingofflayersslowly,”hesaidwinking.
“Ithoughtweestablishedyouwerenot,infact,anexoticdancer.”
“Doesn’tmeanIdon’tgiveprivateshows.”

Imusthavemomentarilylostmymind.EventhoughIlaughedathim,thementalimagesthat

emergedmademycuttingofthebananasfasterandharder.Andjustlikethat,theknifeIwasusingslipped
andplungeddeeplyrightintomyfinger.

“Ow…shit!”Iscreamed.“Ow!”
Bloodgushedout,andthepainwasexcruciating.Jakeimmediatelygotupgrabbingmyhand.

“Shit.Nina!”

“Ooh,ow,ow,”Icried.
Whathappenedinrapidsuccessionoverthenexttensecondsnearlyundidme.Helookedaround

foratowelanddidn’tfindone.Oninstincthewrappedmyfingerinthebottomofhisshirtandsqueezed
it.Whenhelifteditoutandsawthatitwasstillbleedingbadly,hetookmyfingerintohismouthandheld
itthere,suckingithardtostopthebleeding.

Took.My.Finger.And.Sucked.It.
Rememberthatsayingaboutexperiencingpaintoattainapleasureyouhaveneverexperienced

before?Well,Ithinkforthefirsttimeinmylife,Iactuallygotit.

Hewascompletelyserious,mindyou,inthosesecondsofapplyingpressuretomywound.He

wasjusttryingtogetthebleedingtostop.Itwasn’tmeanttobeaturnon,butofcourse,everythingJake
didhadthateffectonmewhetherheknewitornot,andwell,thisjustputmeovertheedge.

Itwasnotanexaggerationtosaythosesecondsofmyfingerbeingtrappedinhishotmouthwhile

hebreathedrapidlyoverit,weremoreexcitingthanfull-onsexwithSpencerhadeverbeen,tenfold.The
competingsensationsofpleasureandpainweresomethingIhadneverexperiencedtogetheratthesame
time.

Hismouthmadeapoppingsoundashereleasedmyfingertothecoldair,andtherewasatinybit

ofmybloodonhislip.Hetookoffhisnowstainedshirtandwrappeditfirmlyaroundmyfinger.I
couldn’thelpstaringathisbody.Itlookedasifitwerecarvedfromstone.

Thebleedinghadslowed,butithadnotstopped.“We’llwrapitinthisfornow,”hesaid,holding

myfingertightlyinhisshirt.

“Youhavesomeblood.”Inervouslyliftedmyfingertiptohisbottomlip,grazingtheringand

wipingitlightly.“Righthere.”

Insteadofwipingitwithhisfreehand,heslidhistonguebackandforthslowlyacrosshisbottom

lip,lickingawaytherestashelookedatme.Myheartskippedabeat.Itwassostrangelyerotic,andmy
bodybecamefullyaware.Hestaredintomyeyesasheheldmywrappedfinger,andIfeltsomethingshift.
Icouldn’tputmyfingeronit(nopunintended),butsomethingfeltdifferentbetweenusinthatmoment.It
wasafeelingIhaddefinitelyneverexperiencedbefore.

Theroomwascompletelyquietashebrokethestare,lookingdownatmywrappedfinger.He

clearedhisthroat,hisvoicewasthick,“I’mgonnaseewhatwehaveinthebathroomforfirstaid.”

Stillinastateofbewilderment,Inoddedbutsaidnothing,asherandownthehall,returningwith

gauze,peroxideandbandages.Removingtheshirtfrommyfinger,hecarefullytreatedtheareawithsome
peroxideonacottonball.Itriedtolookdownatthewoundandnotathisbarechestasheblewonthecut
beforewrappingitingauze,followedbyabandagetoholdittogether.

“Thatshoulddoitfornow,”hesaidbeforereleasingmyhand.“Youmaywanttotakealookatit

tomorrow.Ifitlooksworse,thereisawalk-indownthestreet.Hopefully,youwon’tneedstitches.”

IfeltlikeIlostmorethanbloodinthisprocess,likeperhapsmyabilitytospeak.“Okay,”I

muttered.

ThelookinJake’seyeswassincere.“Iamsorryyougothurttryingtodosomethingniceforme.”
Notknowingexactlyhowtorespond,Ismiledandsaid,“Iamsorryyouhadtosuckmybloodlike

avampire.”

Hisgazestayedonmine,anditmademeuneasyonlybecausehewasn’tlaughingatmyjoke.“I

wouldn’tdothatforjustanyone,Nina.”

Myliptwitchedinresponse,andIlaughednervously,notreallyknowingwhattomakeofthat

statement.WhatIdidknowwasthattonightwasnothelpingmyvowtogetoverhimonesinglebit.
“Thanks.”

JakestartedclearingoutwhatbananasIhadmanagedtocut.“I’mgonnagetanewshirt,”hesaid.

“Whydon’tyouchange,andwe’llmeetTarahandRyandownstairs.”

“Idon’tknow…”
“Comeon,we’resupposedtobecelebratingyourexam,andthosebananasaretoast.I’veate

enoughbloodforonenight.”

Ithrewapieceofbananaathim.“Veryfunny.”
Hewasunphased.“Whatdoyousay?”
TherewasnowayIcouldsayno.“Okay,I’llchange.”
Abouttenminuteslater,hecameoutofthebathroomwithafreshcoatingofcologne.Hishairwas

wet,andhewaswearingamarooncoloredlongsleeveshirtthathuggedhischestandblackpantsthat
huggedhisass.Helookedandsmelledamazing.

Ihadputonablackbuttondownshirt,darkcoloredjeansandthesix-inchheelsIusuallywore

wheneverIwasfeelinginexplicablyinadequate.Somehowaddingheightseemedtogivemeafalsesense
ofpowerwhenIfeltIneededit.Ididn’tknowwhyIwasnervousaboutgoingdownstairswithJake.
Somethingjustfeltdifferenttonightbetweenus.Maybeitwasthesuckingofthebloodthing.Idunno.

***

WhenweenteredEleni’s,thelightsweredimmed,andaliveGreekbandwasplayingatthe

corneroftherestaurant.Theowner,Telly,immediatelyrushedtowardusandgotsomeextrachairstoadd
toTarahandRyan’ssmalltable.Itwaspackedforaweeknight.

OurroommatesweresippingcoffeeandeatingdessertwhenJakeandIsatdowntojointhem.
“Towhatdoweowethishonor?”Tarahjokedasshegavemeahug.
Jakegrabbedmyarmandliftedmyhand.“NinagotanAonhertestandthentocelebrate,she

choppedherfingeroffandgotasuddencravingforGreek.”

Ryangrabbedmyhand.“Whatthe—”
“It’spartiallytrue.Ididn’tchopoffmyfinger,butInearlydid,tryingtomakeBananasFoster.”
Tarahcringed.“Damn!Areyouokay?”
“I’llbefine.NurseJaketookcareofme.”
Jakejoked,“Who’sthenursenow,bitches?”
TarahlookedoveratJakeandthentomeandsaid,“Youtwoaresocutetogether.”
Insertsoundofrecordscreechinghere.
Jakesaidnothing,andIstaredatherdumbfoundedbeforeglaringather.
Whywouldshesaythat?
Icouldhavekilledherandimmediatelychangedthesubject.“So,what’sgoodonthedinner

menu?”

BeforeTarahcouldrespond,asultryfemalevoicecameupfrombehindus.“Actually,thebest

thingonthemenuisthemoussaka,butJakewillsticktothesamethingeverytime,avgolemonoand
spanakopita…rightJake?”

Iturnedaround,andmyheartsankwhenInoticedaveryattractivegirlwithlongblackhair

aroundmyagewearingalowcutwhiteblousethatleftlittletotheimaginationandablackapron

wrappedtightlyaroundherwaist.

Thismightnothavebotheredmesomuchifshewasn’tundressingJakewithhereyes.Iknewthat

look;shit,Iownedthatlook.

“Hey,Des.”Jakenodded.
Shebattedhereyelashes.“Hi,Jake.Longtimenosee.”
Hejustlookedatheranddidn’trespond.Ryanbroketheawkwardpausethatfollowed.“Desiree,

thisisournewroommate,Nina.Shegrewupwithme.”Heturnedtome.“Nina,thisisDesiree,Telly’s
daughter.

“Nicetomeetyou,Nina,”shesaidtomewhilelookingstraightatJake.
“Likewise,”Isaidasmystomachbecametiedupinknots.
Therewasanawkwardpause,andthen“Des”beganlistingthespecials.IheardnothingbecauseI

wasobsessingovertherealizationthatJakewasachickmagnetandIwasjustoneinalonglineof
womenwhowantedhim.Thiswasn’tnews.ItwasjustthefirsttimeIhadwitnesseditfirst-handandout
inpublic.

“So,theusual,Jakey?”Shewinked.Hesimplynoddedyes,makinglittleeyecontactwithher.
Shelookedatmesignalingthatitwasmyturntoorder.Ireallyhadnodesiretoeatanymoreand

hadnoideawhatmostofthestuffonthemenuevenwas,soIrespondedwith,“Um…I’llhavethesame.”

DesireelookedatJakesuggestivelyagainandwenttoputinourorder.Herasswiggledasshe

walkedaway,andIfeltmoreinsecurebythesecond.Fortherecord,theheelsIwaswearingwereof
absolutelynohelpinthissituation.

Jakewaslookingdownatadessertmenu,bobbinghisheadtothesongthebandwasplaying.

Probablysensingthetensionintheair,RyanandTarahjustlookedateachother.

Icouldn’tstanditanylongerandchimedinwith,“WhatthehelldidIorderanyway?”
Everyonestartedlaughinginunison.
“Nina,hopeyoulikeegglemonandricesoupandspinachpie,”Ryansaid.
Actually,givenmyrecentlossofappetite,thatactuallysoundedhorrible.
“Yum,”Isaidsarcastically.
Jakethenkickedmylegplayfullyunderthetable,andIkickedhimback.Wekepttakingturns

doingthis,andatonepoint,helockedmyfeetinwithhissothatIcouldn’tkickhimanymore.Itwasa
strangewayofmakingcontact,butIdelightedinit.

Myattentionthenturnedtoafamilywhohadjustbeenseatedatthetableacrossfromours.The

littlegirlwasrockingbackandforthandseemedveryagitated.InoticedJakewaveatthem.

“Hey,Jake,”thegirl’smothercalledout.
Hegotupfromourtabletogoovertothemandkneltdownbythegirl’sseat,gettinginherfaceto

garnerherattention.“Hey,Marina.”

Thegirl,wholookedabouteightornine,didn’tsayanythingandstartedtocry.
“She’shavingabadnight,”Marina’sfathersaid.
Jakesnappedhisfingersandsaid,“Wait.Ihavesomethingforher.Ialmostforgot.”Hethenran

outoftherestauranttoheadupstairstoourapartment.

IturnedtoRyan.“What’supwithJakeandthelittlegirl?”
“That’sTelly’ssisterGeorgette’sdaughter,Marina.They’reinherealot.Shehasautism,soshe

doesn’treallytalk.”

“Isee,”Isaid,tryingnottostaretoomuchatthebeautifulgirlwithshortbrownringletsframing

herface.Shewasstartingtohumloudly,ashermothertriedtoconsoleher.

JakewalkedbackintotherestaurantholdingthecollectionofpinwheelsIhadfirstnoticedthe

nightIsnuckintohisbedroom.Icouldn’thelpbutsmile.

Hekneltdownnexttothegirlagainandhandedthewholebunchtoher.“Marina…look.I

rememberedyouhadoneofthesethelasttimeyouwereinhere,andyoureallylikedit.EverytimeIpass
bysomeonesellingthemnow,Ihavetogetoneforyou,”hesaid.

Marinatookthefourpinwheelsandlinedthemuponthetable.Onebyone,sheliftedeachand

blewonit,laughinghystericallyeachtimeitspunaround.Thejoyinhereyesmademeforgetaboutmy
earlierbroodingandputasmileonmyface.

“Ifiguredthatwouldputyouinabettermood,”hesaidtoherashestoodup.
Thegirl’smotherbeamedatJake.“Honey,youaresosweet.Thankyou.We’llactuallybeableto

haveapeacefuldinnernow.”

“Don’tworryaboutit.Itwasmypleasure,”hesaid,beforereturningtoourtable.
Jakedidn’tseemtonoticethelookonmyfaceofcompleteawe,asitdawnedonmethathewas

reallyjustasbeautifulontheinsideashewasgorgeousontheoutside.“Thatwassosweetthatyou
actuallycollectedthoseforher.Ihadnoticedtheminyourroom,”Isaid.

“AndyouthoughtIwasjustafuckingweirdo?”
“Well,youarestillaweirdo,but…”Iscrunchedmynoseathimjokingly.
Tarahechoedmyearliersentiment.“Yeah,man…seriously.Lookather.Sheistotallycontent

now.”

Jakelookedoveratthelittlegirlashespoke.“Cedric,mybrother-in-law,hasasisterwho’s

autistic.WhenIfirstspottedMarina,hermannerismsremindedmesomuchofCallie.Itwascrazy,andI
justknew.It’slikethey’relockedinsidetheirbodies,butthereissomuchintherewaitingtocomeout.
Youjusthavetoknowwhichkeystousetounlockit.”

ThefourofuscontinuedtolookoveratMarinaplayingwiththepinwheelsuntilDesiree

approachedwithatrayfulloffood.Assheplacedthehotplatesontothetable,hereyeswereplaced
firmlyonJake.God,Imayhavebeenobviousinmycheckinghimoutattimes,butshewasflirting
relentlessly,andIimmediatelyhatedherforit.Itdidn’thelpthatshewasabsolutelygorgeous.Jake,on
theotherhand,dugrightintohisfoodanddidn’tseemaffectedbyheronewayortheother.Isupposehe
wasprobablyusedtogirlsthrowingthemselvesathim.

Afterwefinishedeating,agroupofpeopleinthecornerstarteddancinginacircletotheGreek

band’smusic.Desireecamebytoclearourplatesandglaredatme.Iwonderedifitwasbecauseshewas
jealous.JakeandIhadbeenjokingaroundflirtatiouslyallnightandsheconstantlylookedinour
direction,evenwhenshewasservingothercustomers.

Bringiton.
Ididn’tlikethelooksofher.EvenifmyrelationshipwithJakestayedplatonic,Ifeltprotectiveof

himandcertainlydidn’twantthatcheaphussietohavehim.

Thefourofuslingereduntilalmostclosingtimeandsharedanentireplatterofbaklava.Itwas

latebythetimewewentbackupstairstotheapartment,soallofusretreatedtoourrooms.

Exhaustedfromtheday’sevents,Iwenttothebathroomtowashmyfacebutskippedashower.I

couldn’twaittoburymyselfunderthecovers.Asmyheadhitthepillow,staringbackatmeonthe
nightstandwasanotherorigamibat.Ichuckledandopenedit.

Congratulationsagainonmakingthegrade.
Imaginethepossibilitieswhenyoufinallygetlaid.
P.S.Kidding,Nina!Justretestingyourabilitytotakeajoke.
P.P.S.Yourbloodtasteslikebananas.

Hewascertifiablynuts,butheneverceasedtomakemelaugh.

CHAPTER10

Fridaymorning,Iawokewiththejitters,anxiousaboutmydatewithAlistairthatnight.Hewas

supposedtobepickingmeupatsevenandtakingmetoapopularItalianrestaurantdownthestreetfrom
theuniversity.

ItwasbuggingmethatIwasnotlookingforwardtoitasmuchasIhadhopedandthatIcouldn’t

stopthinkingaboutJake.Thankfully,asusual,myroomiewouldbeheadedtoBostonfortheweekend
straightfromworkandwouldn’tbeadistractiontonight.Itwasn’thealthytobefocusingonhimsomuch,
andIwasconvincedthatgoingoutwithAlistairwasanecessarystepintherightdirection.

Iwouldhavetogetthroughadayofclasses,though,beforeIcouldconcentrateonthingslikewhat

towearandhowtodomyhairfortonight.

Alistairsatinhisnormalseatnexttomeinmathandheimmediatelyacknowledgedourplans

whenheturnedtomeandwhisperedwithatwinkleinhiseye,“Ican’twaittotakeyououttonight.”

Ijustnodded,notwantingProfessorHernandeztooverhearanything.It’sagoodthingIwas

payingattentiontothelecture,becauseHernandezcalledonmetocomeuptothedryeraseboardand
workonaproblemaboutVennDiagrams.“Ms.Kennedy,shadeinthepartsofthisdiagramwhich
correspondtothenamedset.”

WhenIcoloredinthecorrectpartsofthecirclesinred,henoddedinagreement.“Verygood,Ms.

Kennedy.”Then,hewhisperedtomewithaslightsmile.“Mostimprovedstudent,sofarthisyear,it
seems.”

Maybehewasn’tsuchajerkafterall.Feelingasenseofachievement,Icouldn’tcontainmysmile.

Alistairhigh-fivedmewhenIreturnedtomyseat.

Afterclass,wewalkeddownthehallwaytotheexit,andAlistair’sblueeyesgleamedashesaid,

“I’llpickyouupatseven.”Hetrulywasahandsomeguy;maybetonight,Iwouldfeelsomethingstronger
forhiminadifferentsetting.

“Yup,soundsgood.Seeyoulater,”Isaid.

***

Thatafternoon,TarahwasmakinganearlydinnerinthekitchenwhenIgothomefromschool,and

theapartmentsmelledlikegarlicandonions.

“Hey,girl,”IsaidasIplacedmybackpackdownonthecouch.
“Hey!Iamjustmakingsomericeandchicken.Thisgluten-freedietisabitch.Wantsome?”
“No,Ican’t.Thanks.Actually,believeitornot,Ihaveadatetonight.”
Tarahdroppedherspatulaandpickeditup,wavingitatme.“Excuseme?HowdidInotknow

this?”

“It’snobigdeal.I’mnotsureifIevenlikehimlikethat.He’saguyinmymathclass.Hisnameis

Alistair.”

“Interestingname.”
“Yeah,tellmeaboutit.Heisreallycute,though…andnice…andsmart.”

“Asopposedtoreallyhot…notsonice…andsupersmart,likeJake?Youknow,Ithoughtthat

somethingwasdevelopingthere,butIguessIwaswrong?”

“Whywouldyouthinkthat?”
“Idon’tknow.Thereisjustthisvibebetweenyoutwolately.Ireallysenseditwhenwewereat

Eleni’stheothernight.Youguysareopposites,butyouseemtofittogethersomehow.”

Iknow.
Ishruggedmyshouldersinfrustration.“Well,tellthattohim.”
“Iknewit!Iknewyoulikedhim,”shesaidpointingthespatulaatme.
Iheldoutmyhandsinprotest.“Pleasedon’tgothererightnow,okay?Iamsupposedtobe

focusingonthisdate.”

Sherolledhereyes.“IwantedtoslapthatbitchDesireetheothernight.Sheclearlywantedtoget

herpawsintohim.”

MystomachknottedupwhenshementionedDesiree.“CanwenottalkaboutJakerightnow?”
“Okay,okay…yourdate.Firstoff,whatareyouwearing?”
“MyblackDonnaKarandress…”
“Youmeanyouronlydress?No.Boring.Youareborrowingsomethingfrommycloset.Next:what

areyoudoingwithyourhair?”

“Iwasgoingtowearitupinatwist.”
“No.I’llblowitoutstraightanddosomeloosesexycurlsforyou.Whataboutmakeup?”
“Theusual.Alittlemascaraandsomelipgloss.”
Sheclosedhereyesandshookherheadindisagreement.“Nah.Let’sdoasmokyeyeonyou.You

aregonnalooksohotforthisdate,Nina.What’shisnameagain?”

“Alistair.”Ilaughed.
“Alistairisnotgonnaknowwhathithim.”
“Alright,whateveryousay,T.I’mgoingtotakeashower.Maybewecandothisthingafteryou’re

doneeating.”

Ahalf-hourlater,IemergedfromthebathroomtofindTarahalreadyinmyroomwithahandfulof

dresseslaidoutonthebed.ThesmalltowelIwasusingwasnotquitebigenoughtocovermybreasts,so
Istruggledtokeepitclosedovermychesttoavoidgivingheraprivateshow.

“Nina…goodGodgirl…youhavethebestrack!Idon’tknowifIhaveeverreallynoticedbefore

now.Wearedefinitelyshowingthoseofftonight.”

LettingTarahdressmefromheadtotoemightnothavebeenagreatideaafterall.
“Whatdoyoumeanshowthemoff?”
“Thegirls—allthreeofyou—willbehangingoutwithAlistairtonight.”Shewinked.“Whichof

thesefourdressesdoyouwanttotryonfirst?”

“Thatone,”Ipointedtothedressthatlookedtheleastrevealing.
“Ifiguredyou’dsaythat.Let’strythisone,”shesaidpickingupadifferentdress,astraplesspink

lacenumber.Icouldn’tgetthetoptofitovermyboobsandnixeditasanoption.

NoluckeitherwiththenexttwoItriedon.Thelastwrap-styledresswasfluorescentpurpleand

low-cutbutfitmelikeaglove.Thecolorwasalittlebrightformytaste,butitseemedthiswastheone
outofthegroup.Itwasprettyrevealing,buttherewasnodenyinghowgooditmademybodylook.

“Youarecurvyinalltherightspots.Iwouldkillforyourbody,”shesaid.
Ithoughtbacktomyex-boyfriendandhowhealwaystoldmeIwouldlookbetterifIlostweight

tolookmore“athletic,”eventhoughIwasalreadyfairlythinexceptformybreastsandbutt.

“Okay,thisoneisthewinner.What’sthenextstepinmakingmeintoadragqueen?”
“Let’sgetyouintoazip-downjacket,thenwe’lldoyourhairandmakeupandgetdressedlast.”

Tarahstartedtakingoutcurlingironsandmakeupfromalargeblacksatchel.

Afteranhourandahalfofblow-drying,curling,buffingandpuffing,shehandedmeamirror.My

transformationintoaglamourpusswasstaggering,actually.Mylightblueeyesappearedatleastthree
timesbiggerwiththegrayshadowandmascara.Shealsoappliedadarkpinklipstickthatmademylips
lookpleasantlyplump.Myhairwasperfectlystyledintobig,softcurlsthatshesprayedtomakesurethey
held.Herskillswereamazing.Alistairwasn’tgoingtobelievehiseyes.

Itwas6:30andTarahhelpedmeslipintothepurpledresstoavoidmessingupmyhairand

makeup.

“Waitrighthere.Ihavetheperfectshoes,”shesaidassherantoherroom.
Shereturnedwiththemoststrikingpairofpurplestilettos.
“Thesearegorgeous.”Ilookedattheinside.“ManoloBlahnik?Areyoukiddingme?”
“Iusedtohaveashoeissue.Notanymore,butIhaveamassedquiteacollection.Whatsizeare

you?”

“Well,excuseme,CarrieBradshaw.Apparently,Iamthesamesizeasyou,”IsaidasIslippedmy

footintotheshoestodiscovertheywereaperfectfit.Severalinchestaller,Ilookedatmyselfinthe
mirrorthathungonmyclosetdoor.

Notbad.
Actually,Icouldn’thavebeenmorepleasedwithhowIlooked.“Wow.Ican’tthankyouenough,

T.”

“Anytime,babe.Youwerelikeacleanslate.Itwasfun.”Shesmiled.
Tarahpackedupherhairandmakeupaccessoriesandleftmomentarilytoreturnthemtoherroom,

leavingmestandinginfrontofthemirror.Thepurplewasalittlebrightformyliking,butitwaskindof
refreshingtowearsomethingotherthanmyusualblack.

Mybodyjerkedsuddenlywhenamaleformappearedbehindmeinthemirror.Notjustanymale

form.Itwaslikethatmomentinahorrormovie.Except,inmymind,thiswasworse.

“Nina,Barneythedinosaurcalled.Hewantshisskinback.”
“Jake!Whatareyoudoinghere?You’resupposedtobeonyourwaytoBoston.”
“Nicetoseeyoutoo.”
“Well,it’sjustthatyouusuallyleavefromworkand—”
“Imissedthe5:15Amtrak,soImighteithercatchthelasttrainat9:30orjustgointhemorning.”
“Oh.”Ilickedmylipsnervously,havingforgottenaboutthelipstickonthem.
Shit.Shit.Shit.
Iturnedaroundandfacedhim.Hiseyesimmediatelytraveledslowlydownthelengthofmybody,

coatingmewithhisgaze.Myheartwasbeatingrapidly,andIgotthechills.ThiswasexactlywhatIwas
tryingtoavoid.Infact,Iprobablywouldn’tevenhaveacceptedthedateifIknewJakewasgoingtobe
hometoseemeoff.

HewasneverhomeonFridays.Whytoday?

“Nina…youlook—”
Iinterruptedhim.“Interesting?”
Hekeptstaringatmydress.“That’sonewayofputtingit,”hesaidashiseyesreturnedupwardto

meetmine.

TarahwalkedinatthatmomentandseemedjustasshockedasIwastoseehim.“Jake!”
“Tarah!”Hemockedhertone,withouttakinghiseyesoffme.Iwouldsayhewasundressingme

withthem,buttruthfully,thedressleftlittletotheimagination.

Hefinallymovedfromthedoorwayandsatonmybed,lightlybouncingupanddown.“Ididn’t

knowweweregoingouttonight,Nina.”

Tarahlookedatmeseekingpermissionwithhereyes.“We…arenotgoinganywhere.Sheisgoing

onadate.”

Heturnedtomeandsmiled,butitdidn’tlookgenuine.Itwasmoretaunting.“Isee.”Hepaused

andthensaid,“Isupposehe’stakingyoutotheVegasStripinthatoutfit?”

“Ithinkshelooksawesome,actually,”Tarahsaid.
Iwasbeyondspeechlessandjustshookmyhead.
Jakecontinuedtostareatmewithalooksointense,you’dthinkhisbeautifulgreeneyescould

haveburnedaholethroughmydress.“Havefun,”hesaidlikehedidn’tmeanit.“Anddon’tforgeta
jacket.You’reboundtocatchpneumoniadressedlikethat.”Then,heturnedaround,walkeddownthehall
tohisroomandslammedthedoorclosed.

I’dratherbegoingoutwithyou…youass.
Thetimewasnow6:55.
“It’salmostseven.Yourdatewillbehereanyminute,”Tarahsaid.
“Domeafavorandlethiminwhenhecomesandthengetme?Ijustwannasithereforabitand

grabmybearings.”

“Noproblem,sweetie.Iunderstand.”Shelefttheroom,closingmydoorbehindher.
Hiscolognestilllingeredinmyroom,andIbreatheditin.Hissurpriseappearancehad

completelyjarredme.Isatbackonmybed,carefulnottomessmyhairtoomuchandtriedtoinhalein
andexhaleouttorelax.Itwasn’tworking.IwasstillreelingfromJake’sstare,fromhiswordsandfrom
thefactthatmybodywascravinghim,minutesbeforeIwassupposedtobegoingoutwithanotherguy.If
Iwerelucky,hewouldstayinhisroomuntilIleft.

Abouttenminuteslater,stilllyingonmybedinthesamespot,Iheardaknockonthefrontdoorin

thedistance.IsatupsuddenlyandheardTarahopenitandgreetAlistair.“She’sjustinherroomfinishing
up.Whydon’tyoumakeyourselfcomfortableandI’llletherknowyou’rehere.”

Tarah’sfootstepsgotcloserandcloseruntilsheenteredmyroomshuttingthedoorbehindher.
“Areyouokay?”shewhispered.
“Honestly?No.”
“IsitJake?”
Itookadeepbreathandnoddedsilently.
“Well,comeon,youdon’twanttokeepyouradorabledatewaiting.He’sacutie,andyoulook

hot,babe.We’llchataboutassholelater.”

IgotupandfollowedTarahintothelivingroom.Alistairwasstandingwithhishandsinhis

pockets,wearingkhakipantsandawhitelinenshirtrolledupatthesleeves.Hislightbrownhairwas
perfectlypartedtothesideandgelled.Hissmilewasmagnetic.

“Hey,Alistair.”
“Hey,Nina.Wow.Youlook…awesome,”hesaidasheapproachedmeandkissedmycheek.
Tarahnudgedmeandsaid,“Why,thankyou,Alistair.”
“Thanks.It’sallherdoing,”IsaidpointingtoTarah.
Hisheadmovedsidetosideslowlyashetookinmyappearance.“Well,youwerebeautiful

before,but…man,I’mjust…speechless.”

Laughing,Isaid,“Thatwasmyreactiontoo.”
ThefrontdooropenedandRyanwalkedin.Tarahimmediatelyranovertogivehimahug.“Hey,

baby.”

“Hey,”hesaidkissingherforeheadbeforelookingoveratAlistairandme.“Troll…damn,you

looknice.”

Alistairturnedtome.“Troll?”
“It’salongstory.”
RyanwalkedovertoAlistairholdingouthishand.“I’mRyan.NinaandIgrewuptogether.”
Theyshookhands,andtherewasanawkwardsilenceamongthefourofusforafewseconds.

“Whereareyouguysheaded?”Ryanasked.
IlookedatAlistairforguidance,andhesaid,“ThatnewItalianplaceneartheuniversity.It’s

calledPorcello’s.It’ssupposedtobereallygood.”Heturnedtome.“Ifthat’sokay?Ididn’teventhinkto
askwhereyoumightliketogo.”

“She’salwayswantedtogotoTopoftheRock,”araspyvoicesaidfrombehindus.
Shit.
IturnedaroundtoseeJakestandingthere.Hestaredmedownhardandcontinued,“Right,Nina?

Youloveagoodviewfromthetopofaskyscraper.Ihearthesceneryisamazing,andthefoodisgreat.”

“That’stheoneontopoftheGEbuildinginthecity?”Alistairasked.
“Wecansavethatforanothertime.IwasreallylookingforwardtothatItalianplace,”Isaid

glaringatJakewhohadanintimidatinglookonhisfaceandseemedtobesizingupAlistair.

JakeextendedhistattooedarmtowardAlistair.“Wehaven’tmet.I’mJake.”Hewassmiling,butit

wasangryanddisingenuous.

TheyshookhandsandInotedthestarkcontrastbetweenJake’sdefinedmarkedarmandAlistair’s,

whichwasbarewithlightblondehairs.

“I’mAlistair.”
“AssHair?”Jake’sexpressionwascalculating.
Killmenow.
Lookingnonethebitamused,Alistairsaid,“No…Ali-stair.”
“Ah…sorry,mybad,”Jakesaidashelookedoveratme.
FumingwasnotharshenoughofawordtodescribehowIwasfeelingtowardhim.
IwasstillglaringatJakewhenIsaid,“Alistair,Ithinkweshouldgetgoing.”
“Afteryou,”hesaid,gesturingformetowalkinfrontofhim.IgnoringJake,hethenlookedoverat

TarahandRyan.“Itwasnicemeetingyouguys.”

“Likewise.Youkidshavefun!”Tarahsaid.
Jake’seyeswerepiercingmineandtherimsofhisearswerered.WhenAlistairandIgottothe

doorway,IturnedaroundonelasttimetofindJake’sgazestillfixedonme.Hewasn’tsayinganything,but
inthatmoment,thelookonhisfacewasdifferent.Thistime,therewasnosarcasm,noanger.Hejust
looked…hurt…likehedidn’twantmetoleave.Then,hesilentlymouthed,“Bye,”beforeturningaway.

Hehadbeenatotalbastard,butGodhelpme,Iwouldhavedroppedeverythingforhimtonightif

hehadjustaskedmeto.

Therestaurantwasseveralblocksaway.Onthewalk,AlistairandIgottoknoweachother,

talkingaboutschoolandourfavoritetypesofmusicandhobbies.Idiscoveredthatwebothreallyliked
Radiohead,TheKillersandColdplay.HegrewupinConnecticut,notfarfromthecityandseemedto
havehadaprivilegedlife,whichwasadirectcontrasttomymodestupbringinginthesticksofupstate
NewYork.

Midwaythroughourwalk,hegrabbedmyhand.WhileIdidn’tmind,Icouldn’thelpbutnoticethat

mybodyhadlittletonoreactionupontouchinghisskin.IthoughtbacktowhenJakestoodinthestairwell
duringoursubwaytripandreachedouthisarmformetograb.IrememberedhowamazingitfeltwhenI
heldhishandforthefirsttimeandwhenourfingersintertwined.Therewasnocomparisonanditwas
irkingmerightnow.

StopthinkingaboutJake.
Wehadareservation,sotheyseatedusassoonaswearrivedatPorcello’s.Therestaurantwas

beautifulwithdimlighting,candlelittablesandpicturesonthewallsoffamouspatrons.Thatsong
MamboItalianoplayedinthebackground.

Maddie,ourwaitress,pouredtwoglassesofwaterandreadthespecialsatwarpspeedbeforewe

eachorderedaclassofcabernetsauvignon.

“They’resupposedtohavethebestPennealaVodka,”Alistairsaid.
Vodka.That’sallItookfromthat.
“Mmm.IwasthinkingoftheShrimpScampi.IwonderifIcangetthatwithouttheScampi?”
Alistairputdownhiswaterandcoveredhisfaceinlaughter.“Nina…youdon’tgetouttoeatmuch

doyou?”

“Whatdoyoumean?”
“ThereisnosuchthingasScampi.ShrimpScampiisshrimpwithpastainlikeagarlicandolive

oilsauce.So,Scampiisjustthenameofthedish.It’slike—”

“BananasFoster?”
Therehewasagain.
“Yeah.Exactly.”HepausedlookingatmelikeIwasthree.“You’readorable,Nina.”
Ifeltlikeanidiot.“Well,then…I’llgettheShrimpScampi.Soundsdelicious.”
Alistairflashedhissignaturethousand-wattsmile.“Howaboutwegetanappetizer?Whatsounds

goodtoyou?”

“HowabouttheJerkChickenskewers?”
“Yougotit.”Alistairclosedhismenuthensaid,“Speakingofjerks,yourroommateisabitofa

dick.”

Mystomachsank,andIwrackedmybrainforaresponse.“Jake?He’snotthatbad.He’sabitofa

ball-buster,that’sall,”Isaidimmediatelydowningmywater.

“Heseemslikealoser.”

Excuseme?

HearinghimcallJakealoserreallypissedmeoff.ThereweremanywordsIcoulduseto

describemyroommate:sarcastic,intimidating,wiseass,evendickfitthebillsometimes.But“loser”
certainlywasn’toneofthem.

“Whydoyousaythat?”
“Imean,lookathim.Hisfuckingeyebrowispierced?Hejustseemslikealoser.”
Okay,nowIwasreallygettingangry.
“So,youarejudginghimbecausehehaspiercingsandtattoos?”
“Yeah…amongotherthings.I’msurehismotherisrealproud.”
“Alotofpeopledon’tviewthingslikethatasnegative.Manyfindthemquiteinteresting,even

attractive,particularlywomen.”

Particularlyme.

“Well,Ithinkhejustlooksdumb.”
“He’sactuallyanengineer,andheisreallysmart.”Ilookeddownatthenapkinonmylapand

sighedbeforesaying,“Let’sdropthesubject.”

IdecideditwasbesttojustendthatconversationbeforeIsaidsomethingIwouldregret.Iwas

expectingthefirealarmanyminutebecauseIwassuretherewasenoughsmokecomingoutofmyearsto
setitoff.

Alistairnodded.Ithinkhecouldtellhehadupsetme.“Soundsgood.”
Maddiecamebackovertotakeourorder.Ontheoutside,Iputonacheerfulfront,butonthe

inside,Iwasdisappointedathowclose-mindedandjudgmentalAlistairreallywas.Therewasnodoubt
thatJakewasatotaljerktohim.Ifhehadjustcalledhimadickandendedit,Imighthavebeenfine.But
toattacksomeonebasedonlooks,wasjustignorantandunacceptabletome.

Ourdinnerconversationfellflat,aswesatthereeatingourmealsamidstlargepocketsofsilence.

IwasstartingtothinkthehighlightofthenightwaslearningthetruemeaningofShrimpScampi.

Needingabreather,Iexcusedmyselftogotheladiesroomandlingeredinthestallmuchlonger

thannormal.MyminddriftedagaintothoughtsofJakeandthedisappointedlookonhisfacewhenIleft

withAlistair.

WhenIexitedthestall,Ilookedatmyselfinthemirror.Iclosedmyeyesandthoughtaboutthe

wayJakestaredmeupanddownwhenhefirstlaideyesonmedressedlikedthis.Thelookinhiseyes
gavemechillsandIwantedsobadlytojustwalkacrosstheroomandkisshim.Butwhatelseisnew
there?Then,heaskedwhere“we”weregoing.IfIhadn’tgoneonthisdate,wouldIhavespentthe
eveningwithhim?Thetruthwas,IwouldhavewantedtospendanyamountoftimewithJake,evenifit
werejustforanhourbeforehehadtocatchhistrain.Iwouldhavelovedtohavejustsatwithhimand
talkedorevenstudied.IlookedforwardtotimespentwithhimmorethananythingbecauseIneverfelt
morealive.Iwantedtobewithhimallofthetime.

Ijustwanted…him.
Iwantedhim.
Icouldn’tdenymyfeelingsorthefactthatIwassurehewasgoingtobreakmyheart,evenifhe

neversomuchastouchedme.Istartedtogetreallyemotionalallofasudden,soIconcludedthatitwas
thewineandtriedtoshakemyselffromthoughtsofhimforthemoment.

AlistairwasgoingtothinkIwasdoingdrugsinhereifIdidn’thurryup,soIgrabbedmybearings

andreenteredthediningroom.

“Hey,Iwasabouttosendsearchandrescueinforyou,”hesaidsmiling.
“Sorryaboutthat.”
Alistairplacedamenuinfrontofme.“Howaboutdessert?”
Whynot?It’stheonethingthatsoundedgoodallnight.
Alistairpointedtothedessertlist.“Didn’tyousaysomethingearlieraboutBananasFoster?They

havethat,ifyoulikeit.”

Great.
“Actually,IthinkI’llhavethechocolatecake,”Isaid,whichofcourseremindedmeofMrs.

Ballsworthy’scake…whichthenremindedmeof…yeah,thiswasahopelesssituation.

WeplacedourdessertorderandAlistairexcusedhimselftousethebathroom.
Itookmyphoneouttocheckfacebook,becausethisdatewasjusttooexcitingforwords,andmy

heartdropped.IhadmissedatextfromJakethatcameinaboutanhourago.

Nina,Iwasajerktoyouandyourlittlefriend.
I’msorry.
AndtheBarneyjokewasstupid.
Actually,youlookedstunning.

Stunning.Stunning.HethoughtIlookedstunning.Thiswasthefirstverbalindicationthathefound

meattractiveandthebutterfliesinmystomachwerenowdoingaGreekcircledance.

IreadthetextasmanytimesasIcouldbeforeAlistairreturnedtothetable.
Iputmyphoneawaywhenourdessertsarrived,andunfortunately,mybrainandappetitemust

haverunawaytogether,becauseIwasnowjustsittingthere…well,stunned.

Alistairreturnedandsatdown.“Areyoufeelingokay,Nina?”
“Yeah…Ithinkmyeyesarebiggerthanmystomach.I’llprobablygetthecaketogo.”
Henoddedbecausehismouthwasfullofcheesecake.Ijustwantedtogethomeasfastaspossible

incaseJakehadn’tleft.Hehadsaidtherewasapossibilityhewouldbeleavinginthemorning.

Heheldthedoorformeaswelefttherestaurant.Thecoldnightairhitmyfaceandblewmycurls

allovertheplace.

“What’ssofunny?”Alistairasked.
Imusthavebeensmilingtomyselfaswewalked,thinkingaboutthetext.AndeventhoughAlistair

washoldingmyhand,allIcouldthinkaboutwashowmuchIwantedtosleepnexttoJaketonight.

***

AlistairleanedintokissmeasheleftmeatthedoortotheapartmentandIkeptmymouthclosed,

allowingitbutnotencouragingittoturnintothetypeofkissIdreamtofwithJake.

Intentionallynotinvitinghimin,IwishedhimagoodweekendandlethimknowI’dseehimin

classnextweek.IwouldhavetocomeupwithanexcuseastowhyIwouldn’tbeabletoacceptanother
datewithhimifheasked.

Theapartmentwasquiet,andallofthedoorstothebedroomswereclosed.MypulseracedasI

approachedJake’sroomandknocked.

“Jake?”
Nothing.
Iknockedagain.
Hewasgone.
Ifeltamixtureofsadness,frustration,longingandrelief,onlybecauseIwasprettysureIwould

havesaidordonesomethingstupidtonightifhewerehere…likemaybejumpedhisbones.

LonelinesssetinasIwalkedbacktomyroomandkickedoffTarah’sheels.Ipulledthedress

overmyhead,putonalongwhitet-shirtandbrushedmyhairbackintoaponytail.

ThewatermusthaverunforminutesonendinthebathroomasIwashedthemakeupoffmyface,

lostinthought,withoutpayingattentiontothetime.

Ihadreallycometohatetheweekends,whenJakewasaway.Eventhoughweweren’ttogetheras

acouple,Imissedhimandfeltsafewhenhewasaround.

AsItriedtofallasleep,therestlessnesswasoverwhelming.Icouldnotstopthinkingabouthim

andreplayingtheentirenightinmyhead.

Insomniawaswinningout,soIgotupandmademyselfsometeainsteadofrollingaround

aimlesslyinbed.

AsIsatupsippingmychamomileandwatchinglatenighttelevisioninthelivingroom,itdawned

onmethatChristmasandtheendofthesemesterwouldbeherebeforeIknewit.Thatmeantthetutoring
sessionswouldend.GettinganAonthenextexamsuddenlyseemedlessimportantthangettingtospend
evenmoretimewithJake,eventhoughthethoughtofanother“excursion”terrifiedme.

IshutoffthetelevisionandstartedbacktowardmyroomwhenIimpulsivelypassedit,heading

overtoJake’sinstead.Iopenedthedoorandimmediatelyjumped.

Hewasthere.Hewassleeping!
Noway.
IapproachedthebedslowlytogetacloserlookandjumpedagainwhenIrealizeditwasjusta

tonofbunchedupblanketsmadetolooklikeabody.Andtherewasabaseballcaponthepillow.

Whattheheck?

Ipulledbackthecovers.Underneathwasanorigamibat.Iopenedit:

Lookingforsomeone?

IcoveredmyfaceinamixofembarrassmentanddisbeliefthathesomehowknewIwasgoingto

sneakintohisroomtonight.DeterminedtohidethefactthatItookthebait,orinthiscase—thebat—I
carefullyfoldeditbacktogetherandplaceditunderthecoversbutnotbeforeIburiedmyfaceinhis

pillow,relishingthemuskyscent.Thecigarettesmellwasalmostcompletelygone,makingmewonderif
hewastryingtoquit.

BeforeIleft,Inoticedsomethingelse:threemorebatscrumbledinthewastebasket.Ipickedthem

outandsawthathehadstartedtowritesomethingoneachonebeforescrunchingitupandtossingitout.It
wasasifhewasstrugglingtofindtherightwordsandgaveup.

Thefirstonejustsaid:Hopeyourdatewasgreat…
Thesecondone:HowdoesAssHaircompare…
Thethird:Youlooked…
Wow…okay.Ididn’trealizethatheactuallythoughtsodeeplyaboutwhattowriteonthesethings.

Thisdiscoverybothflatteredandconfusedme.Howhefinallycametotheconclusionthatthebestcourse
ofactionwouldbetotrickmeintothinkinghewassleepingwasbeyondme.

Backinmyownbed,IstaredattheceilingandconcludedthattonightprovedJakeknewhehadan

effectonme.Ijustcouldn’tfigureoutwhateffectIreallyhadonhimandwhetherhethoughtaboutmethe
sameway.

ThesamewordreplayedinmyheaduntilIeventuallyfellasleep:stunning.

CHAPTER11

IhadreceivedtwomoreA’sonthesubsequentexamsinNovemberandnowheldaBaveragein

mathoverall.Jakewashappyformebutsomewhatbummedeachtime,becauseapparentlyhewasreally
lookingforwardtohisnextplannedfear-facingexercisethatkeptgettingputoffbymystellargrades.
Whoknewthiswouldbecomeaproblem?

WitheachA,IbakedJakesomethingspecialtothankhimforhelpingme.Hedidn’tseemtoenjoy

thebananabreadasmuchastheBananasFosterbutstillatetheentireloafinonesittingwithhiseyes
closed.Thesecondtime,Imadehimachocolatebananacreampieandhisresponsetothatwasnothing
shortoforgasmic.Seriously,hewasmumblingthingsIcouldn’tevenunderstand.Itwastrulyentertaining
towatch.

DuringThanksgivingbreak,Ihadbraggedtomyparentsaboutmynerdyroommatewhowas

helpingmegetthroughmath,andtheysaidtheycouldn’twaittomeethimandthankhim.Iwoulddeal
withpickingmymother’sjawupoffofthegroundwhenthetimecame.

***

Therewasonlyoneexamleftbeforetheendofthesemester.Acoupleofweeksprior,JakeandI

werebusystudyinginhisroomearlyoneThursdaynight,andasusual,hewaskeepingthingsstrictly
business.

Butthatwasthenightthateverythingchangedbetweenus.
Atonepoint,inpreparationforamathproblem,hewentintohisdrawerandgrabbedsomething,

throwingitfrontofme.Itwasapairofdice.

Helookedatmeintentlythenpointedtothem.“You’regoingtotellmehowmanydifferent

outcomesarepossible.Thenwe’regoingtohaveyoufigureouthowmanywaysyoucangetasumof
five.”

Lookingdownatthedice,somethingcameovermeasanoldmemoryofplayingYahtzeewithmy

brotherJimmycametomind.Theobjectofthatgamehadbeentoscorethemostpointsbyrollingfive
dicetomakecertaincombinations.Eventhoughitwasbasedonpureluck,Jimmywouldalwaysbeatme.
Icouldhearmybrother’svoice,clearasday,“Yahtzee!”Andthat’swhatdidit.Yahtzee.Thatwasthe
wordthatmademeburstintotearsforliterallythefirsttimeinyears.Lookingdownatthedice,Icried
whileJakewatched,horrified.

“What…whatthehellisgoingon,Nina?”
Icoveredmyfacetohidethetearsthatwouldn’tstopfalling.
JakehadbeenatthedeskbutmovedovertowhereIwassittingonthebedandturnedtome.

“Nina?”

Iwipedmyeyesandlookedoverathim.“It’smybrother.Thosedice…forsomereason,they

triggeredamemoryforme.MybrotherandIusedtoplaythegameYahtzeetopassthetime,whilehe—”

“What?”Heblinkedinconfusion.
“Itwasoneofthefewthingswewereabletodotogether…beforehedied.”

Jakelookedatmesilently,hiseyesblinkingrapidlyinanattempttoabsorbthebombshellIhad

justdropped.

“Nina…God…Iamsosorry.ThisisthebrotherinthatpictureinRyan’sroom?”
Inoddedandsniffled.“Yeah.Jimmywasmyonlybrother,myonlysibling.”
“Whathappened?”
“Hehadleukemia.”
Helookeddownatthefloorandsighed.“Ihadnoidea.Youneversaidanything.Ijustassumed

—”

“Iknow.RyanandIdon’treallytalkabouthimanymore.It’sjusttoopainfulsometimesforbothof

us.ItsurprisedmethatRyanevenhadthatpicturedisplayed,becauseIknowhegetsreallybrokenup
overit.”

Heclosedhiseyesbrieflylookingofftosidethenbackatmeagain.Ihadstoppedcryingbutwas

stillshakenbythememoriesofmybrother’slastdays.ThosewereimagesItriedhardtofightonadaily
basis,andtwolittledicemanagedtocompletelyunraveleverythingIworkedsohardtobury.

Jakestartledmewhenheputhishandonmyknee.“Whydon’tyouwanttothinkabouthim?”
ItwashardtoadmitthetruereasonthatitwassodifficulttothinkaboutJimmy,andInevertalked

aboutit.Never.ButIwantedtotellhim.IwantedtotellJakebecauseItrustedhim,andhehadalways
mademefeellikehewouldn’tjudgemeformyfaults.

Hekepthishandonmyknee,andIusedthedragontattooonhisforearmasafocalpointtogather

mythoughts.“Towardtheveryendofmybrother’slife,Icouldn’tbeartowatchhimwasteaway.Itwas
justtoopainful.Hewasonlyayearandahalfolderthanme.Weweresoclose.Hewasnineteenwhenhe
died.Iwasaseniorinhighschool.”

WhenIstartedtotearupagain,hesqueezedmylegharderandsaid,“It’sokay.Takeyourtime.”
ImovedmygazefromthedragonbackuptoJake’seyesandcouldseemyownreflectioninthem.
“Wetriedeverything.TheytookmybonemarrowbecauseIwasamatch.”
Jakeshuthiseyesasifitpainedhimtohearmesaythat.
“Hehadastemcelltransplant,butitwasn’tsuccessful.Atfirst,wehadsomuchhope.Then,it

wasdestroyedandtherewasjustnothingleft.Hewassickforabouttwofullyearsbeforewelosthim.”

Silentlywillingmetocontinue,hesqueezedmykneeagain.
“Whenhewasinthehospital,wewouldplaythatgame,Yahtzee.Thatwasduringtheperiod

aboutsixmonthsbeforehedied.Thelastmonthorso,hehadgottensosick,soemaciated;Icouldn’tbear
towatchit…couldn’thandleseeinghimlikethat.”Ipausedtocatchmybreath.“Istoppedseeinghim,
Jake.Ijuststoppedvisitingmybrother.Iwasn’teventherewhenhedied.”Thetearsstartedtopourout
againasIrecalledthemostpainfultimeofmylife,nolongerabletospeakcoherently.

Hewrappedhisarmaroundme,pullingmeintohim.Iclosedmyeyesandsunkmyheadintothe

heatofhischestasIcried.

Hespokesoftlyintomyear.“Heknowsyoulovedhim,Nina.Youlovedhimsomuchthatyou

couldn’tbeartoseehiminpain.Heknows.Ifhedidn’tknowthen,whereverheis—whereveritisthat
wego—heknowsnow.”

Ilookedupathim.“Youbelievethat?”
“Yes,Ido.Iwouldn’thavesaiditifIdidn’tbelieveit.”
“Howcanyoubesure?”
“Ican’tbe100-percentsure,butyouhavetohaveblindfaith.Youhavetobelieveitinyourgut.

Thefactis,it’smorelikelythannotthatthereisapurposetothisfuckedupthingwecalllife.Your
brother…hehadapurpose.Hejustfulfilleditfasterthanyouorme.”

“Iwanttobelievethat,”Isaid.
Heletgoofmesuddenlyandwalkedovertohiscloset,takingoutthesketchpadsIhadlooked

throughthenightIsnuckintohisroom.Flippingtooneofthepicturesofthemanonthemotorcycle,hesat
backdownonthebednexttomeandstaredatitforabitbeforespeaking.

“That’smyDad,”hesaidwithhiseyesstillfocusedonthedrawing.
Itblewmeawaythatthehauntingimagethatstuckoutatmethemostamongsthissketcheswas

actuallyofhisfather.Hehadanimpassionedlookinhiseyesashecontinuedtostareattheimagewithout
sayinganything.

“Thatonewasmyfavorite.Theoneofhimlookingback,”Isaid.
Afteranotherlongpause,hefinallyspoke.“ThiswasthelastmemoryIhaveofhim.Hediedthat

nightinamotorcycleaccident.Iwasonlyfive,butIrememberthismomentinthedrawingveryclearly.
Hewasgoingouttomeetsomefriends.Hetoldmetobeagoodboyformymotherandthathewouldtake
meouttomyfavoritedinerforbreakfastthenextmorning.Forsomereason,helookedbackatmeonelast
timebeforehetookoff,anditalwaysstuckwithme.”

Thiswasbreakingmyheart.
“Idon’tknowwhichisworse:nevergettingtosaygoodbyetosomeoneorwatchingthemsuffer

first,”Isaid.

Heputthesketchasideandturnedtome.“Bothscenariossuck.Mypointis,aspainfulasitwasto

losemyfatherthatway,Ineverwanttoforgethim.Ever.Idoeverythinginmypowertorememberhim,to
rememberthelittlethingshetaughtme,evenatthatage.”

Itookadeepbreathinandnodded,thinkingaboutwhathesaidasitrelatedtoJimmy.Ihadbeen

tryingsohardtopushawaythoughtsofmybrother’sillness,thatallofthegoodmemoriesweregetting
pushedawaytoo,sotherewasnothingleftofhim.

SomerandomfunnymemoriescametomindsuddenlybecauseIallowedthemin.“Mybrother

wassuchajokester.Kindoflikeyou.”

Hesmiled.“Yeah?”
“Jimmywasshameless.Once,hebroughtawhoopeecushiontochurchandputitunderthisold

ladyinthepewinfrontofus.Myparentsgroundedhimforlikethreeweeksafterthat.”Ishookmyhead
rememberingthatday.“Wheneverwegotintofights,andItriedtostaymadathim,hewouldholdme
downandticklemyfeetuntilIbeggedhisforgiveness.Heknewthatdrovemecrazy.Sometimes,he
wouldgetRyantograbtheotherfoot.Theywouldganguponme.”

Jakeraisedhisbrow.“Ticklishfeet,huh?I’llhavetorememberthatthenexttimeyouzoneouton

meduringamathlesson.”

“No,youdon’t!”
“Butsee,itmakesyousmiletothinkaboutthosethings.Youneedtojustrememberthegoodtimes

withhim.Yourbrother’slastdaysdon’tdefinewhohewas.Youcanchoosetorememberhimhowever
youwant,likeIchoosetoremembermyDadonhisbike…justgoingoutforaride.It’swhyIdraw.It’s
therapyformeandhelpsmeetchthethingsIwanttorememberinstone.”

Hefoldedupthesketchpadandreturnedittothecloset.Iwaskindofdisappointedthathedidn’t

gothroughsomeoftheotherdrawings.Theyallhadtobemeaningfultohiminsomeway.Iwouldtake
whatIcouldget,though.ThiswasthemostinformationthatJakehadeverofferedmeabouthislife.I
wasn’tcomplaining,exceptforthefactthathereturnedtothechairbythedesk,insteadofsittingback
downnexttome.

Asheloggedoffofhiscomputer,heclappedhishandsandsaid,“Youknowwhatyouneed

tonight,Nina?

Interestingquestionandyoucouldguesswheremymindwasheading.
“WhatdoIneed,Jake?”
“Youneedtogetshitfaced,”hesaidgettingupandputtingonhisblackjacket.“Comeon,enough

studyingfortonight.”

Ifollowedhimouttothehallwaybeforestoppinginmyroomtofreshenupandgrabacoat.
“Wherearewegoing?”Isaidashestoodinmydoorwaywaiting.
“Don’tworryaboutit.You’lllikeit.Trustme.”Thequestionablesmirkonhisfacetoldmethat

maybeIshouldn’t.

***

Afteraseven-blockwalktoBrooklynAvenue,westoppedatabuildingwithabrightpinkneon

signthatflashed:KungPaoKaraoke.

“We’redoingkaraoke?”Ishoutedthroughthesuddenonslaughtofnoiseasheheldthedoorfor

me.

“Well,mostlywe’rehavingascorpionbowlortwo,butifyougetdrunkenough,yeah,maybe.”
Theplacewascrowdedandthesmellofgreaseandboozefilledtheair.Aclearlydrunkwoman

withcurlydarkhairandabutterflytattoowasbeltingoutBonJovi’sLivingonaPrayerwhilethe
patronswentwild.Shecouldn’tsingtosaveherlife,butclearly,thatdidn’tmatterhere.

“So,whaddyathink?”Jakeaskedaswewereseatedintoasmallboothinthecorner,thankfully,

furthestawayfromthestage.

“It’scool.IhaveneverbeentoaChinesekaraokebar.You’vebeenherebefore?”
“Once,withtheguysfromwork.Iwastoodrunktoremembermuch.”
“Ah.Doyouusuallyeatorjustdrinkhere?”
“Thatdependsonwhatyou’rehungryfor.”
Somethingaboutthewayhelookedatmeandlickedhislipringwhenhesaidthatseemed

flirtatious.

“Iamhungry.”
“Okay.We’llgetaPooPooplatterofappetizersandascorpionbowl.Soundgood?”
“Great.”
Afterthewaitercamebyandtookourorder,Jakestartledmewhenhenudgedmylegwithhis

underthetable.“Nomoretalkingaboutsadstufftonight,okay?Iwantyoutohavefun.”

“You’renotgoingtomakemegetupthereareyou?”
Hismouthturnedslowlyupwards.Therewerethedimplesthathadbeenhidingoutupuntilnow.

“YouknowthatIdon’tmakeyoudoanythingyoudon’twanttodo.”

“Good,becauseIwouldneedalotofalcoholinmetogetupanddothat.”
Awomancamebyandsetthehumungousscorpionbowldownonthetable.Itlookedmorelikea

portablesinkwithtwostraws.

“Speakingofthedevil,”hesaid.
“Ithinkyou’rethedeviltonight,Jake.Whatareyoutryingtokillme?Lookatthesizeofthis

thing.”

“Ihave…heardthatbefore,”hesaidwinking.
Lordy.Isetmyselfupforthatone.
Irespondedtothementalimagesthatconjuredupbytakingahugesipoutofthebowl.This

concoctionwaswaystrongerthanitlooked,andIcoughedfromtheimpactofitdownmythroat.

Oh,goodness.Therewerethoseimagesagain.
Jakepulledthebowltowardhim.“Whoa…slowdownthere,lush.”
Icoughedagain.“Thatissomestrongstuff.It’sdeceiving!Itlookslikefruitpunchandtasteslike

rubbingalcohol.”

“Afterawhile,youwon’tnotice.”
“It’sagoodthingwe’rewalkinghome,”Isaid.
Heliftedhisbrow.“Youmean,I’mcarryingyouhome.”
“Possibly.”
“Inallseriousness,Nina,Icantellyou’realightweight,soyoushouldpaceyourself.Idon’twant

youtogetsick.”Hepaused.“Oh,speakingoflightweight,whatwasyourdate’snameagaintheother
night?Howdidthatgo?”

“Haha,veryfunny.HisnamewasAlistair.Itwasokay.Iwon’tbegoingoutwithhimagain,

though.”

“Anyparticularreasonwhy?”
You.
“Hejustturnedouttobekindofaloser.”
“Well,Icouldhavetoldyouthat.Hewaswearingfuckingboatshoes.Whatishe,seventy?”He

laughed.

“Yeah,Idon’treallyhavethebestluckwithmen.Mylastboyfriend,Spencer,waskingofthe

losers,actually.”

Jakesatbackinhisseatandcrossedhisarms.“Spencer…hejustsoundslikeapretentiousprick.”
“Hewas…aprick…andacheater.”
Jakenoddedsilentlyandlookedaroundtheroomthenhiseyesmetmine.“Well,Idon’tevenknow

theguy,butifhecheatedonyou…he’safuckingidiot.”

Ididn’tevenknowhowtorespondtothat,buteverynerveinmybodyimmediatelydid.

Thankfully,ourPooPooplattercameandIdidn’thavetosayanythingatall.Westarteddiggingintothe
chickenwings,eggrolls,spareribsandteriyakibeefsticks.Itwasoneofthosecomfortablesilences
whereneitherofusfeltlikewehadtotalk.Wejustpiggedoutontheappetizers,takingturnssippingout
ofthebowl,enjoyingeachother’scompany.

Whenwefinishedeating,allthatremainedweretheflamesinthecenteroftheplatter.Hemoved

ittotheside,throwingapacketofhandwipesatmeandcaughtmeoffguardwhenhecontinuedwhere
ourpreviousconversationleftoff.

“So…Spencer…washeyourlastboyfriend?”
“Yeah.Webrokeupalittleoverayearago.Inretrospect,itwasthebestthingthateverhappened

tome.BesidesthefactthatIfoundouthecheatedonme,hedidnothingbutcriticizeme.”

Hescrunchedhiseyebrowsintoanangrylook.“Whatdoyoumeancriticize?Whatkindsofthings

didhesaytoyou?”

Wasthisconversationreallygoingthere?
Ishrugged.“Let’ssee…whatdidn’thesay?Forone,hehadnotoleranceatallformyanxiety

issues.Hewouldjustmakefunofmeinsteadoftryingtounderstandthecondition.Andhecriticizedmy
bodyanychancehegot.”

“Hecriticizedyourbody,”Jakesaid,morelikeastatementthanaquestion.
“Yeah…allthetime.”
“Really…”
“Yes.HetoldmeIwasn’tathletic-lookingenough,thatIcouldstandtolosetenpoundsandthat

myasswastoobig.”

WhydidIjusttellhimallofthis?Imustbedrunk.
“Nina…Ihopeyoudon’tmindmebeingblunt.”
“Idon’tmind.”
“This…Spencer…needshiseyescheckedandhisasskicked.Thereisnothingwrongwithyour

body…notonething.Ihopeyoudidn’tlistentohim.”

Gulp.
“That’sthesadpart.Forawhile,Ididbelieveit.Irealizeinretrospectthathejustgotoffon

bringingmedown.Atthetime,though,IreallydidthinkIwasfatandIwaseventhinnerthanIamnow.”

“Nina—”Hestartedtosaysomethingthenstopped.“Nevermind.Justknow…thathewaswrong,

okay?”

“Saywhatyouweregonnasay,”Isaid,downingmoreofthedrink.
Heslidhistongueringbetweenhisteethandlookedawayfrommetowardthestagewhenhesaid,

“IamnotsurethatIshould.”

“Sincewhenhaveyoubecometactful?”
Hetookasipandrepliedwhileplayingwithhisstraw.“Sincethisconversationmovedtotitsand

ass.”

Ilaughedalittlelouderthannormalandsuspectedthealcoholwasstartingtotakeitstoll…on

bothofus.“Seriously,whateveryouweregoingtosay,Iwon’tbeoffended.”

Hetookanotherlongsipfromthebowl,lickedhislipsandsaid,“Okay…inthatcase,Nina,not

justasyourfriend,butasaman,Iamtellingyoustraightupthatyouhaveanamazingbody.It’sperfect.
Andyournimrodex-boyfriendwasrightaboutonething:youdokindofhaveabigass.”

Ispitoutmydrink.“Excuseme?”
Hereachedacrossandtappedmyarm.“Letmefinish.Youkindofhaveabigass…butit’sthe

mostspectacularassI’veeverseen.Youhaveanhourglassshapeandanymanwithapulseknowsthat’s
thehottestkindthereis.You’rebeautiful,andwhatmakesyouevenmoreattractive,isthatyouhave
absolutelynofuckingideajusthowbeautifulyoureallyare.”

Igrippedtheseatofthebooth,flooredbythoseunexpectedwordsthatcameoutofhismouth.
HethinksI’mbeautiful.
HethinksIhaveabigass!
Hethinksmyassisspectacular?
IwantedtotellhimrightthenandtherehowIfeltabouthim,thatIthoughthewasthemost

beautifulhumanbeingontheplanet.Butthethoughtswouldn’tformintoacoherentsentenceandjustcame
outas,“Thankyou.”

“You’rewelcome.”
Wesatinsilenceforafewminuteswatchingabaldguyandawomanwholookedlikehismother

singOntheRoadAgainbeforeIrealizedthatmybladderwasreadytoburst.

“Whereisthebathroom?”
“Ithinkit’sdownthathallwaybehindthestage.”
TheroomspunalittlewhenIstoodup.AsIwalkedaway,Iwonderedifhewasstaringatmybutt.

Istillcouldn’tbelievewhathehadjustsaidtome.Oddly,itwasthenicestcomplimentIhadever
received.

Thebathroomwasdingy,thefloorwasstickyandtherewasonlyoneworkingtoilet.Ihadtogoso

badlythatIcouldhaveeasilycountedtoahundredwhileIpeedandtherewouldhavestillbeenmoreto
come.AfterIwashedmyhands,sincethemirroronlyshowedthewaistup,Icouldn’thelpbutjumpafew
timestocheckoutmyrear.Iwantedtoseewhathemeantby“spectacular.”Awomanwalkedinand
lookedatmelikeIwasnuts.

WhenIreenteredthediningareaandsatbackdown,JakewasgonefromourboothandIassumed

hewenttothemen’sroom.Thatis,untilIturnedtothestageandsawhimstandingtherewitha
microphoneinhishand.

Abunchofgirlsatatableinthefrontstartedwhistlingathimandshoutingthings,like“Hey,

hottie.”Icouldn’tquitemakeouteverythingtheyweresaying,butthiswholescenariosuddenlymademe
nauseous.

Theannouncerasked,“What’syourname?”
“Spencer,”Jakesaid,tappinghishandoverthemic.

OhmyGod.Whatwashedoing?

“Whatareyousinging,Spencer?”
Jakewhisperedsomethingtohimandthenspokeintothemicrophone.“Thisisaspecialsongfor

Nina.Pleaseforgivemeforbeingsuchanassgoblin.”

Ilookedaroundtheroom,coveredmyfaceinembarrassmentandtearsoflaughterformedinmy

eyes.

ThemusicstartedandJakesearchedforme.Asoureyesmet,hebouncedhisheadtothemusic

andflashedmeahugedimpledsmilethatmademewanttorushthestage.

Whenhestartedtosingthebeginninglyrics,thecrowdwentwildandseveralwomenstartedto

getupanddancenearhim.Otherpeoplewereclappingalong.Hetappedhisfoottothebeatashesang,
anditwasn’thalfbad,either.

Everyoneexceptmeseemedtorecognizethesong.Ididn’tgettherelevanceuntilhebeltedouta

certainline.Then,Igotit.Icompletelygotit…andbeganlaughinghysterically.

Iturnedtotheguynexttome.“Whatisthissongcalled?”
“It’sFatBottomedGirls,byQueen.”
Jake’seyeslockedinonmine,andIshookmyheadathim.Myfacemusthavebeenredasa

tomato.HecouldseeIwascrackingup,andhetrippedoveroneofthelinesbecausehestartedlaughing
atmyreaction.Hewasrockingbackandforthashesang,lookingatmetheentiretime.

Icouldn’tblamethosewomenforoglinghim.Helookedhotbeyondwordsashishipsslowly

swayedsidetoside.I’dprobablyberightbythestagedroolingoverhimalongwiththemunderdifferent
circumstances.Hisgreeneyesshinedunderthelights,andthewhiteshirtheworeunderhisblueplaid
buttondownclungtohischest,leavinglittletotheimagination.Healwaysworethesleevesrolledupto
showoffthetattoosonhisforearms.

Whenhefinishedthesong,thecrowdwentwild,andIcouldseehisforeheadwasglistening

underthehotlights.Hewassweatyandhotashell.Severalwomenwantedapieceofhim.Iheardone
yell,“Youcandowhateveryouwanttothisfatbottom.”

Ugh.
Hestartedtomakehiswaybacktoourboothwhenacoupleofthegirlssittingatthatfronttable

stoppedhim.Theywereattractiveandjealousypumpedthroughmyveinsashepolitelymade
conversationwiththem.Oneofthemgrabbedontohisshirtandslippedapieceofpaperintothefront
pocket,causingmyheadtothrob.MydrinkstartedtocomeuponmeasIremindedmyselfthatthisguy
wasgoingtobreakmyheart.

JakeinterruptedtheconversationafterhenoticedIwaswatchinghim.Hewalkedawayandcut

oneofthegirlsoffmid-sentence.Whenhesatbackdowninthebooth,myheartbeatstartedtoregulate
again.

“You’reapopularguy,”Isaid.
Hechuckled.“Well,youcan’tsingasonglikethatandnotexpecttoattractallthebig-buttgirlsin

thehouselikeamagnet.”

“Yeah,Inoticedoneofthemslippedyouhernumber.”
“Oh…yeah,”hesaidashetookthepaperoutofhispocketandthrewitintheleftoverflamefrom

ourPooPooplatter.

Ifeignedpity.“That’sashame.”
Hesighedsarcasticallyandflashedmeasmile.“Isn’tit?”
“Iguessthereisonlyonefat-bottomedgirlyou’releavingwith?”
Hewinked.“Yeah,IhaveafeelingI’mtakingyouhometonight.”

Ourwaitercamebyandcollectedtheemptyscorpionbowlandplate,replacingthemwiththebill

andtwofortunecookies.

IstartedtotakeoutmywalletwhenJakesaid,“Putthatback.”
“I’mpayingmyshare.”
“Nina,putitback.I’vegotit.Youdon’tevenwork,anditwasmyideatogoout.”
Ilistenedtohimandreturnedmywalletintothepurse.“Thankyou.”
“Thankyou.Weneedtogetyouloosenedupandbuzzedmoreoften.”
“IthinkIloosenedupalottonight.”
“Yeah…Ithinkso,too.”Hesmiled.
Ipointedtothecookies.“Aren’tyougonnaopenyourfortune?Taketheonefacingyou.That’sthe

onemeantforyou.I’llgofirst.”

Iopenedmineandreaditoutloud.“Whenonedoorcloses,anotheropens.”
Ithoughtabouthowtruethatreallywas.Allofthepainfulmomentsinmylifehaveledmeright

heretothisamazingnightwiththisamazingperson.TherewasnowhereelseintheworldIwantedtobe.

“Yourturn,”Isaid.
Jakereachedover,grabbedhiscookieandopenedit.“Big-buttgirlmakemansmile.”
“Nosir!”
“I’mkidding.I’mkidding.”
“Whatdoesitreallysay?”
Helookeddownandthenupatme.“Nowisthetimetomakeamove.”
Oh,man.
Eventhefortunecookiewaswonderingwhatwastakinghimsolong.Ihadtolaughinsideatthe

irony.

“Interesting,”Isaid.
HeletoutadeepbreaththatIcouldfeelfromacrossthetable.“Itis…veryinteresting.”
Hecontinuedlookingatmeinawaythatwasgivingmeavibethathewantedmorewithme.This

manwasgoingtodrivemeinsane.

Then,hefinallyspoke.“Wanttogetgoing?”
“Sure,”Isaid.

***

Westartedtowalkhome,butitwasprettycoldout,sowhenJakenoticedacabapproachingus,

hehailedit.

SittingnexttohiminthebackseatwastheclosestIhadphysicallybeentohimallnight.
Atonepoint,thecabdrivertookasharprightturn,andIfellrightintoJake.Insteadofmoving

backtomyspot,Istayedleaningagainsthimandcouldfeelhischeststiffenunderme.Hedidn’tmoveas
helookedoutthewindow.

Ihadlingeredtoolongtoturnaway,soIjuststayedwithmyearonhischestandlistenedtohis

heartbeatthatwasgettingfasterandfaster,arhythmIwasprettysureIhadcreated.Theheartbeatnever
lies.Thattoldmethiswasablackandwhitesituation.Eitherhedidn’twantmethereatall,orhewanted
metherebadly.IneededtofindoutwhichoneitwassoonbeforeIcompletelylostmymind.

Iclosedmyeyesandlistenedtohimbreathing.Onthetopofmyhead,Icouldfeelhiswarm

breaththatsmelledlikedalcohol.Theclosecontactandthescentofhisskinmixedwithcolognewas
makingmewet.Theboozeinmeandthepheromonesintheairhadmademyusualwantforhimtentimes

stronger,almostunbearable.Itookmyhandandputitonhischest,watchingitriseandfallagainstthe
thunderofhisbeatingheart.

Whenthecabsuddenlycametoascreechinghaltatourhouse,Ireluctantlyliftedmyselfoffof

him,andhepaidthedriverasweexitedthecar.

“Afteryou,”hesaidturningtome,hiseyesglassy,asheopenedthefrontdoortothebuilding.
“Youjustwanttocheckoutmyspectacularass,”Ijoked,tryingtolightenthemoodafterhaving

thrownmyselfathiminthecab.

“Youcaughtme,”hesaidashewalkedupthestairsbehindme.
Whenweenteredtheapartment,thelivingareawasdark,buttherewaslightcomingfromTarah’s

room,andIwasprettysuresheandRyanwerebothinthere.

Drunkoffhim,Istoppedinfrontofmybedroomdooranddesperatelywishedhewouldfollowme

in.“Thanksagainfortonight,Jake.ItwasjustwhatIneeded.”

“I’mreallygladyouhadagoodtime.”Hestoodtherewithhishandsinhispocketsforafew

secondsbeforesaying,“Goodnight.”

Andwiththat,hewalkedpastmebacktohisroom,closingthedoor.
Iwouldn’tgettheanswertomyblackandwhitequestionuntilachanceencounterinthebathroom

laterthatnight.

CHAPTER12

Needlesstosay,Iwasn’tabletosleepatall.Afterchangingintoapairofcottonboyshortsanda

tanktop,Ijustsatupinbed,shakingmyfootnervously,tryingtofigureoutwhathisdealwas.

HeflatouttoldmeIwasbeautifulandmademefeellikeIwastheonlywomaninthatentire

karaokebar,butwhengiventheopportunitytomakeamove,hewouldn’tbudge.Eventhedamnfortune
cookiewasfrustrated.

Thealcoholwasstillmakingitswaythroughme.Ipushedoffmycoversandmarchedtothe

bathroom,noticingfromunderthecloseddoorthatthelightwasstilloninhisroom.

WhenIenteredthebathroom,Jake’sbarechestsmackedmeintheface.
“Whoa!Areyouokay?”heaskedasherubbedhiscallousedthumbovermyforehead.Therewas

stillahintofalcoholonhisbreath.Hisscentandthequickcontactofhischestagainstmybreastsmade
mefeeble.

“Yeah…I’mfine.Sorry,Ididn’tthinktocheckifyouwereinhere.Thelightinyourroomwason,

soIassumedyouwereinthere.”

Heleanedagainstthesinkandcrossedhisarms.“Whatareyoustilldoingup?”
“Ican’tsleep,soIcameinheretopee.”
Hemovedawayfastfromthesink.“Oh…well,Ishouldprobablyletyoudothat.”
“Yeah,probably.”
“Right,”hesaidbeforewalkingoutandclosingthedoor.
Isatdowntopee,buteventhoughIhadtogosobadly,nothingwouldcomeoutbecauseIwasstill

focusingonhim.

Afterrunningthewaterforabouttwentyseconds,Iwasfinallyabletogosincethestreaming

soundhelpedmerelax.

WhenIleftthebathroom,IsawthatJakehadlefthisbedroomdoorwideopen,andItookthatasa

silentinvitationtoenter.

Itwasoneinthemorning,andhewassittingonhisbedwithhislaptop.Hecloseditwhenhe

noticedmeatthedoorway.Iwalkedtowardhimandsatattheendofhisbed.Hewasstillshirtlessand
wearingapairofnavybluesweatpantsthathunglowdisplayingthetopofhisgrayboxerbriefs.

Hesatupstraighter.“Howwasyourpee?”
“Fantastic.”
“Goodtohear.”Hiseyeswanderedtomychest,causingmynipplestoharden.
Bingo.
“Whatwereyoulookingat?”Iasked.
Myquestionbrokehisstaring,andhesuddenlylookedupinadaze.“Huh?”
“Onyourlaptop.”
“Oh…onmylaptop…right.Justuselesssurfing.”
“Isee.”
Wewerejustlookingateachotherforafewsecondswhenoursilencewasinterruptedbythe

soundofthebednextdoorsqueakingrepeatedly.

Great.
NotonlydidIhavenodesiretohearRyan,whowasbasicallyabrothertome,havingsexwithmy

bestfriend,butitmadeanalreadyawkwardsituationsomuchworse.

Youcouldcutthesexualtensionintheairwithaknife,butwebothlaugheditoff.
“Youthinkthey’rehavingsex?”Jakeaskedsarcastically.
Ilookeddowninembarrassment.“Shouldwejustpretendit’snothappening?”
“Yeah.Youwannadoamathlesson?”hejokedasthenoisesfromnextdoorcontinuedtoget

louder.

“Sure.”
“Let’ssee…wecantalkabouttheprobabilityofsixty-nine.”
Igiggled.“Iwouldsaybasedonthatnoise,it’sveryhigh.”
JakebenthisheadbackinlaughterandIcouldseehistonguering.Itwassoincrediblysexy,andI

wantedtoknowwhatitwouldfeellikeagainstmyowntongue.

Finally,thenoisesstopped,andwewereonceagainleftwithalossforwords.ButIwasn’tgoing

anywhere.

Jakewasnervouslypickingatthelintonhiscomforter,flickingitontotheground.Hewaslooking

downwhenhemadeacommentthatshockedme.“Ibetthatprickex-boyfriendofyourssuckedinbed.”

Ofallthethingshecouldhavesaid,Idefinitelywasn’texpectingthat,butIwasholdingback

nothingtonight.

“Actually,hedid…big-time.”
Hestoppedwhathehadbeendoingandsatupstraighteragainsthisheadboard,almostbacking

awayfromme.“So,youhavehadsex.”

“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”
“See,nowI’vemadeyoublush.Iamsorry.Youjuststrikemeasacertainkindofgirl.”
“Whatkindofgirlisthat?”
“It’snothingbad.Just…innocent…maybeavirgin.”Helookedupattheceilingandsmiled

mischievously.“Thekindofgirlthatguyslikemearedyingtocorrupt.”

Shit.
Iremainedsilent.
AndI’mdyingtobecorruptedbyyou.
Iclearedmythroat.“Well,inanswertoyourquestion…yes,Ihavehadsex,butitwasjustwith

him.”

“Hewasyouronly,andhesuckedinbed?That’sunfortunate.”
“Yeah.Itwasunfortunate.Ineverevenactually…youknow…withhim.”
“Youneverwhat?”HiseyeswidenedwhenherealizedwhatImeant.“Younevercame?You

neverevenhadanorgasm?”

Ihesitated.“Notfromanotherperson.”
Hewaslookingdownandstartedpickingatthecomforteragain,buttherewasnolintleft.He

lookedfrustratedanduneasy.Forseveralseconds,thesilenceintheroomwasdeafening.Then,hesaid,
“So…youcomewhenyoutouchyourself.”

“Yeah.”
Heclosedhiseyesbrieflyandsuddenlylookedupatme.“Sexdoesn’tcountifhedidn’tmakeyou

come,Nina.You’rebasicallystillavirgin.”Hebithislipthensaid,“Hehadsex.Youdidn’t.”

Itwasamazinghowthesamesetofeyescouldsendmesomanydifferentmessagesjustintheway

helookedatme.Thesameeyesthatcouldintimidateme,jokewithme,comfortmeandmakemefeellike
everythingwasgoingtobeokay…nowlookedatmelikehewantedtoeatmealive.AndIwishedmore
thananythinghewouldjustdoit.

IjumpedwhenhemovedbecauseIthoughthewasgoingtotouchme.Instead,heabruptlygotup

andopenedhiswindow.Coldairrushedinashewalkedovertothebedsidedrawerandreachedforthe

cigarettes,takingoneoutandlightingit.Inhalingdeeply,heslowlyblewthesmokeoutsideashesat
againsttheedgeofthewindowsill.

“Whyareyousmoking?Ithoughtyouquit.”
Heshookhishead.“Idid.ButIreallyneededone,andIneedtokeepmydistancerightnow.”
“Why?”
Hedidn’tanswermeandcontinuedtoalternatebetweeninhaling,exhalingandflickingtheashes

outthewindow.

Irepeated,“Whyareyousmoking?”
Hisbreathhitched,andhefinallyturnedtome.“YoureallywanttoknowwhyI’msmoking?”
Inodded.“Yes.”
“Becauseit’skeepingmymouthoccupiedandstoppingmefromdoingsomethingIshouldn’tright

now.”Hetookanotherlongdrag.“Youshouldprobablygobacktoyourroom.”

Mypulseraced.“You’resmokingandtellingmetoleavebecauseyouwanttokissme?”
Helookedupattheceilingandlaughedlikehedidn’tmeanit.Then,heinhaledandlookedoverat

me.Smokestreamedoutofhismouthwhenhesaid,“Iwouldn’ttellyoutoleaveifIonlywantedtokiss
you,Nina.IamtellingyoutoleavebecauseIwanttotasteyouandmakeyoucomeuntilyouscreamin
everypossiblewayimaginable.ItwasallIcouldthinkaboutallnightlong.It’swhyIcouldn’tsleep.But
nowthatyoujusttoldmenomanhaseverdonethat…fuck.That’swhyIamsmokingifyoureallywantto
know.”

Hehadmanagedtorendermecompletelyspeechless,andIcouldn’ttellifmypantieswerejust

wetorwhetherIpeedslightly.

Herepeatedinaraspywhisper.“Ireallythinkyoushouldgobacktoyourroom.”
Despitehisdirectsuggestion,mybodydidnotmovefromthatspotattheedgeofhisbed.He

continuedtostaybythewindow,staringoutsideevenafterheputoutthecigarette.Hishandsomeside
profilelitupinthemoonlight.

Somethingwasn’tright.Ifhewantedme,whywouldn’thejusttakeme?AndI’veshownhimthatI

wantedhim.He’scertainlynotavirgin.Weknewthatfromdayone.

Theairwasgettingevencolderintheroomsincehestillhadthewindowwideopen.Hefinally

shutitandturnedtome,glancingdownatmybreasts.Iknewhecouldseethemthroughmythinpajama
top.Helickedhislipsslowly,causingmynipplestohardenevenfurther.Hecontinuedtokeephis
distance.

WhenIlookeddownandnoticedthathewasfullyhardthroughhissweatpants,myfrustration

grewevendeeper.Hewasbreathingheavilyandswallowedwhenhesawmenoticehisarousal.He
continuedtolookatmewithoutsayinganythingatall.

Istoodupfromthebedandwalkedtowardsthewindowstoppingafewinchesinfrontofhim.

Theheatradiatedoffofhisbody,andIcouldfeelhimbreathingmein.Hewasconsumingmewithallof
hissenses…excepttouch.Finally,heslowlyreachedhishandtowardmywaist,grippingthematerialof
myshirtandcaressedmyside.Ifelthisnailsdiggingintome,andhishotbreathblewovermychest.Just
whenIthoughthewasgoingtoripmyshirtoff,hepulledhistremblinghandback.“Fuck,”hegrowled
underhisteeth.

Iwaspanting,andmystomachwasinknotsthinkingaboutthequestionIwasabouttoaskhim,one

Ireallydidn’twanttoknowtheanswerto.Iblurtedout,“Iwanttoknowwhatyoudowhenyougoto
Bostoneveryweekend.”

Heblinkedafewtimesandbrokeeyecontact,lookingdownatthefloor,thenbackupatme.He

wascaughtoffguardandlookedtroubled,stayingsilentforseveralsecondsbeforeheresponded.“It’s
complicated,Nina.”

Whenthewordscameoutofhismouth,itfeltlikemyheartfellthroughmystomach.Hewasn’t

goingtogivemeanystraightanswerstonight,butthosethreewordswereenoughtoconfirmthatthere
waslikelysomeoneelse.

Therewasamassivegrayareatothisblackandwhitesituationafterall.
Iwantedtocomerightoutandaskwhathemeant,whetherhehadaseriousgirlfriend,orwhether

itwassomethingentirelydifferent,butIlostthecourageandagain,truthfully,apartofmereallydidn’t
evenwanttoknow.Atthispoint,whatIdidknowwasthatIhadbeenplayingwithfireandthatIneeded
totakehisadviceandleave.

“Goodnight,Jake.”
Hejuststoodtherewithoutsayingawordandletmewalkaway.

***

Thenextmorning,myeyeswerebloodshot,andIhadthatforebodingfeelingthatIremember

gettingwhenIwasayoungteenagerandaboywouldbreakmyheart.Youknow,theonewhereyouwake
upandforgetaboutitforonesplitsecond,andthenwhenyourealizeitwasn’tadream,completedread
setsin.

Ilookedatthetime:9:45.Ihadoversleptandhadalreadymissedmyfirstclass.
Ofcourse,Jakehadleftforworkandwouldbegonefortheweekendagain.Thistime,though,I

wasrelievedtonotseehimforafewdays.

Tarahwasinthekitchenmakingcoffee,andthepercolatingsoundwasmagnifiedduetomy

hangover.

“Sup,girly,”shesaidwhenIwalkedoutintothelivingarea.
“Hey,”Isaidhoarsely.Myheadwaskillingme,andIfeltnauseous.
“Youlooklikedeath,sweetie.Iseverythingokay?”
Iwasn’tsureifIshouldconfideinheraboutwhathappenedwithJake.Ididn’tevenknowhowto

sumuplastnightproperly.

Wehadascorpionbowl,hetoldmeIhadabigass,thefortunecookietalked,thenhegotan

erectionandkickedmeoutofhisroom.

“Everythingisokay.Itwasjustalatenight.”
“YouwerewithJake.Iknow.Hetoldme.”
“Hetoldyouwhat?”Isnapped.
“Takeiteasy…justthatyouguyswentoutlatelastnight.Beforeheleftforwork,hetoldmeto

keepaneyeonyoutoday,thatyoumightbehurtingbecauseyoudranktoomuchorsomething.”

Orsomething.
HeknewI’dbehurting,becausehewastheonethathurtme.
“Yeah…wewenttothatKungPaoKaraokeplace.”
“So,wasitlikeadate?”
“No.Nothinglikeadate.”
“Nina,areyouokay?Becauseyoudon’tlookokay.”
Damnit.Myeyeswerestartingtowater.
“Iamnot,T.Iamnotokayatall.”
“Areyougonnatellmewhat’sgoingon?Whatdidhedo?”
“It’snotwhathedid.It’swhathedidn’tdo.It’swhathewouldn’tsay.It’swhatwon’tbe

happeningbetweenus.Let’sjustsay,Ineededtoknowwhetherwewouldbemorethanfriends,andI
basicallygotmyanswerlastnight.”

“Iamsorry,sweetie.”
“Don’tsayanythingtoRyan,okay?”
Tarahpulledmeinforahug.“I’veseenthewayJakelooksatyouwhenyoudon’tevenrealizeit.

Idon’tknowwhathedidorsaidordidn’tsaylastnight,butthatdudedoeshavefeelingsforyou.”

“Iguessit’sjust…complicated,”Isaidrollingmyeyes.

***

AsIwasleavingEnglishclassthatafternoon,Imadeanimpulsivedecisiontotakethebuilding

elevatorinsteadofthestairs.InolongerhadthesamefearofthemthatexistedbeforemeetingJakeand
beforeourelevatorpicnic,butIfoundthatIstillavoidedthemeveryday.

MaybeIjustneededtoprovetomyselfthatIdidn’tneedhimanymore.
Thankfully,theelevatorwasempty.IwasextremelyjitterybutfeltincontrolwhenIpushedthe

buttonandclosedthedoors.

Ishutmyeyesandworkedthroughtheanxietyandbuildingpanic,countingtomyselfasthe

elevatordescendeddownsixfloors.

Whenthedoorsopened,IfeltimmensereliefbecauseIknewnowthatIcoulddoitonmyown.It

wasonlysixfloors,butthismeanteverythingtome.IbecameextremelyemotionalasImademywayout
tothesidewalk.

Onthewayhome,mythoughtsturnedtoJakeandthatdayintheelevatorwhenheplayedthesong

thatmovedmedeeply,StuckintheElevator.IhaddownloadedittomyiPodandscrolleddowntoplayit
whilerestingonaparkbench.

ThesongbroughtmerightbacktothatmomentwithhimwhereIhadbeensofilledwithhopeand

excitementaboutthewayhemademefeel.ItwaspainfultoacceptthatIwouldhavetostopthosekinds
offeelingsintheirtracksmovingforward.Theyweren’tgoingtogoaway.Ijustneededawaytobottle
themupbecausethatwastheonlywayIcouldsurvivelivingwithhim.

Ateardropfelldownmycheekasthesongcontinuedtoplay.Myphonethenvibratedonmyleg,

andIlookeddowntoseethatitwasatextfromJake.

PleasetellmeIdidn’tloseyouasafriendlastnight.

Myemotionswentintooverloadwiththesongstillplayingasthetextcamein.Ihadnoideahow

torespond,butregardlessoftheexactwording,theanswerwouldhavebeenthesame.

Nina:Ofcoursenot.

Jake:IknowIwasactingallsortsoffuckedup.Iamsorry.

Nina:It’sokay.Wewerebothprobablystilldrunk,right?

Therewasalongpause,andIdidn’tthinkhewasgoingtowriteback,butthenmyphonevibrated

again.

Jake:Icareaboutyou.IamsorryifIhurtyou.

Nina:Youdidn’t.

Liar.

Jake:I’llseeyouMonday.

Nina:Seeyouthen.

Jake:We’restillfriends?

Nina:Yes.Stillfriends.

Jake:Justchecking.

Andwiththat,stillfeelinghurtbeyondbelief,Iresignedmyselftothefactthatfriendswereallwe

wouldeverbe.

CHAPTER13

Fortheremainingdaysbeforetheendofthesemester,bothJakeandIdidagoodjobofpretending

thatnightinhisroomneverhappened.

Heseemedtoreallybetryinghardtoactlikea“friend”lately,carefulnottocrossanylines.

Despitethat,ournon-physicalconnectionseemedtobegrowing.Hewashangingoutmoreintheliving
roomwithTarah,Ryanandmeatnight.HeandIwouldsometimeslinger,stayinguplate,eatingicecream
oradessertImadewhilewetalkedinthekitchen.

Ourconversationtopicsbecamemorepersonal,too.Heopenedupmoreabouthischildhood.I

learnedthatheactuallygrewupinChicago,notBostonandthathismotherhadbeenadrugaddictasa
teenagerbutstraightenedupwhenshemethisfather.Evenmoresurprising:thefactthatthesisterheis
closeto,onlycameintohislifeeightyearsagobecauseshehadbeengivenupforadoptionwhenJake’s
motherwasfifteen.Hetoldmeastorythatblewmeawayabouthowhefirstmetheraccidentallyduringa
bizarrechanceencounterinacemetery.

Itwasadorablehowhiseyeswouldlightupwhenhetalkedabouthistwinnieces.Heusedto

babysitthemwhentheywereinfantsandsharedalotoffunnymemoriesaboutthosedays;itthoroughly
amusedmetopicturethistough-lookingguychangingdiapersandgettingspitupon.

Wehadalotoflaughsandsometimes,Iwouldcatchhiseyeslingeringonmineortravelingdown

tomymouth.Theseweresubtlehintsthatapartofhimwantedmore,eventhoughsomethingwas
obviouslyholdinghimback.

Everynight,hewouldgobacktohisroom,andIwouldgotomine,replayingeverythingwehad

talkedabout.Despitemyvowtobottleupmyfeelingsforhim,theywerestillgrowingstrongerthana
batchofseamonkeystrappedinajar.

***

ThelastWednesdayofthesemesterrolledaround,andwhenIturnedmyfinalexamintoProfessor

Hernandez,Iknewthatthisonewasn’tgoingtobeanA.Infact,Ihadn’tevencompletedthelasttwo
problems.MaybeitwasbecauseJakeandIhaddonemoretalkinglatelythanstudyingorbecause
secretly,Iwantedthislastpunishmentfromhim.

Thatnight,whenJakearrivedhomefromwork,Istoodinhisdoorwaywithmylaptop.
Hewastakingoffhisjacketandlookedamazinginablackbuttondownshirtthatwasopen

slightlyatthetop.Hesmelledofcolognemixedwithcoldair,anditannoyedmethatmybodywould
consistentlyreacttohiminawaythatwasnotbefittingaplatonicfriend.

Hehunguphisjacketandlookedoveratme.“What’sup?”
“Igotmygrade.”
Aslowanddevioussmilespreadoverhisfacebecausehecouldtellfrommyexpressionthatit

wasn’tgood.Heheldouthishand.“Let’sseeit.”

Iturnedthelaptoptowardhim,andhegasped.“Sixty-nine!”
Ofallnumbers,Iknow.

“NinaKennedy…thatisperverselyhorrible,”hesaidtryingtostiflehislaughter.
“Iknowitis!ButitstillbringsmetoaBaverageforthesemester.”Ifeignedasmile.
Hedidn’tlooktoopleasedwithmyanswer.“Inallseriousness,whydidyoubombsobadly?”
“Idon’tknow.IguessIjustgotlazy.Iknewwiththeothergrades,I’dgetatleastaC+averageno

matterwhat,andIhaven’tbeensleepingwellthepastfewdays.”

“That’snoexcuse.YoucouldhavehadaBaveragetooifyouhaddonebetteronthisone,”hesaid

inaserioustone.

Isighed.“I’msorryifIdisappointedyou.”
Hisfrownturnedintoaslightsmile,andheseemedtoperkuprealfast,smackinghishands

together.“Thatbeingsaid,I’mfuckingstokeditwasn’tanA.”Hewasnowbeaming.

“Iknowyouhavebeenwaitingforthis.”
Jakescratchedhishead,spunaroundsearchingforhislaptop,thenlayonthebed,kickinghisfeet

up.“Youdon’thaveclassestomorrow,right?”heaskedashetyped.

“Nope…doneuntilafterChristmas.”
Hissmilegrewbiggerasheclickedaway.WhenIwalkedovertothelaptop,heshutitandwaved

meaway.“Getouttahere.Youcan’tseethis.”

Istoodacrossfromhimnervouslytappingmyfoot,watchinghimtypeandwonderingwhathewas

upto.“Whatareyoudoing,Jake?”

“I’mplanningourdaytomorrow.”
“Can’tyoujustgivemeonelittlehint?”
“AllIwillsayisthatyouneedtobereadyveryearlyinthemorning,likefive-am.Canyoudo

that?”

Inodded.“Yes.”
Hecontinuedtyping.“Good.Ihavetotaketomorrowofffromworkforthis.”
“You’retakingtimeofffromworktospendtheentiredayscaringtheshitoutofme?”
“You’rewelcome.”
“Seriously?Thisisadaytrip?”
“Ihavethetime.”
“Canyoupleasejusttellmewhatwearedoing?Comeon,Iamstartingtofreakout.”
“Whatelseisnew?Noway.You’llfindoutsoonenough.”
ImadesuretoshowerthatnightbecauseIwouldn’thavethechancetodoitinthemorning.Under

thewater,myheartwaspalpitating,filledwithanxietyovertomorrow.IthadbeentoolongsinceIhad
facedmyfearsonJake’stermsandtestedmynerves.Nottomention,Ihadanominousfeelingaboutthis
one.

WhenIgotbacktomyroom,lowandbehold,therewasanorigamibatgreetingmeonthe

nightstand.Hewouldalwayswaitformetotakeashower,sohecouldsneakoneintomyroom.

WhenIopeneditandsawwhatitsaid,myheartnearlyskippedabeat:

Forourlaststint,
Iwillgiveyouahint.
It’sawindycity…
WhereJakewasittybitty.

HewastakingmehometoChicago.

***

Maybebysomemiracletherewouldbeaterrorthreatoramedicalemergency,andthisspaceship

wouldstayontheground.Actually,Iwasprobablygoingtobecomethemedicalemergency.Thatwasmy
lasthopebecausethepassengershadboarded,andthedoorstotheBoeing737werenowclosed,
trappingusallinside.

Officiallyoutofcontrolofmylife.WhydidIlethimdothistome?
BecauseIwoulddoanythingheaskedmeto.

“Holdmyhand,Nina.Squeezeitastightasyouneedto.Breathe,”hesaid.
Thesmelloftheenginesturningonremindedmeofburningcheese.
WiththewayIwasbreathinginandoutandthewayJakewassqueezingmyhand,rownine,seats

EandF,lookedmorelikealaboranddeliveryarea.

Eventheflightattendantswereseatednowinthosestrangesideseats,beltedanduseless.Their

fatewasinthesamehands,thoseofamanwhomighthavejusthadacoupleofwhiskeysintheairport
lounge.

Forgettheelevator,thiswasthesinglemostterrifyingmomentofmylife.Flyingwasatthevery

topofthelistofthingsthatscaredme.Asqueenofthe“whatifs,”Icreatedtoomanypossiblescenarios
ofwhatcouldgowrongandcouldn’tevenwrapmyheadaroundthemall.

Asthejettaxiedtowardtherunway,mybreathinghadgottencompletelyoutofcontrol,andmy

entirebodyshookinvoluntarily.Howwasthisthinggoingtopossiblyliftoffthegroundandstayupinthe
air?Iknewnothingaboutthemechanicsofthesituation,andevenifproperlyexplained,itlikelywould
stillnotseemlogical.

Rosarybeadsinhand,theoldladyacrosstheaislemadethesignofthecross.Shecertainly

wasn’thelpingmysituationintheleastbit.

Jakecouldseehewaslosingmefast.Iwasstartingtohyperventilate.Hereachedintohistrusty

blackbackpackofdoomandtookoutabrownpaperbag.“Breatheintothis.”

Itwasn’thelping,becauseIhadmyselfconvincedIcouldn’tbreatheandpanicked,whichfedthe

hyperventilation.

Astheplanepickedupspeed,theconcerninhiseyesgrewwhenmybreathingbecameshallow.
ThelastthingIrememberedbeforewewerecompletelyairbornewasJakebendingdowntotie

hisshoes.Howbizarre,Ithought,forhimtodosuchathingwhenIamonthevergeofcollapse.Isoon
realizedthathewasn’ttyinghisshoes.

Hewasuntyingmine.
Nearhyperventilationmorphedintouncontrollableandhystericallaughter,ashestayedbentdown

attackingmyfeetintheworstfoottickleambushofmylife.

Ifidgetedinmychairandkickedhimrepeatedly,cryingtearsoflaughter,andsowashe.
“Jake…stop!”
“Stop.”
“Stop.”
“Stop.”
“Stop”wasallIcouldmanagetosayinbetweenmycacklingandhittinghim.Itwasnotan

exaggerationtosaythattheentireplanewaslookingatuslikewewerenuts.

Bythetimehefinallydidstop,wewereatcruisingaltitude,andmynervescalmeddownafter

realizingthatwehadnotcrashedupontakeoff.Histickleshaddistractedmesomuchthatitwas
impossibletofocusonanythingelse.

Mybreathingwasstillheavy,butIwasnolongerclosetohyperventilating.Ifinallyturnedtohim

wornout.“WhyonEarthwouldyoudothattome?”

“Ihadnochoice.ThereareonlysomanythingsIcandofromthisseattogetyourmindoffyour

fear.Youcanonlyhandleonethingatatime.IfiguredifImadeyoutotallyloseitthatway,youcouldn’t
possiblybecomescaredenoughtopanic.”HecouldseeIwasstartingtocrackasmileandreturnedit.“It
worked…didn’tit?”

“Iguess.Butdon’teverdothatagaintome.”
Heflashedawickedgrin.“I’lldowhateverIhavetodotosaveyoufromyourself.”
Afewminuteslater,mybreathinghadcalmeddownsignificantly,andIgaveintothefactthatI

hadnochoicebuttotrytorelax.

JaketookhisiPodoutofthebackpackandhandedittome.“Here.Imadeyouaplaylistforthe

ride.”Hescrolleddowntoit,andIcouldseeitwastitled,CrashandBurn.

“Thanksalot.”
“You’rewelcome.”
IputtheheadphonesonandbreathedthroughLeavingonaJetPlanebyJohnDenver.
Whenthenextsongplayed,Ididn’tquitegetituntilthechorus:I’mGoin’DownbyMaryJ.Blige.
Ilookedathimandshookmyhead.HewaslisteningtomyiPodandtookoffhisheadphonesfora

moment.“MaryJ.Blige?”

Inoddedandrolledmyeyes.
Hesnickeredandreturnedtheheadphonestohisears,lyingbackandclosinghiseyesagain.
Thenextsong,intypicalJakefashion,completelythrewmeforaloop.Itwasamellowcountry

tuneabouthowthechancesofsurvivingatloveareslim,comparingittoanairplanethatpeoplewouldn’t
getoniftheyknewtheoddsofcrashingwerehigh.Yet,despiteknowingtheodds,peoplegetonboardin
loveallofthetime.Thesongwasaptlytitled,IfLoveWasaPlanebyBradPaisley.

Ilookedoverathim,andhelookedbackatmeandsmiled.Iwasn’tsureifherealizedwhichsong

Iwasonorifitevenhadanymeaningtohim.Butithadmeaningtome.Iwishedthatheknewhowstrong
myfeelingswereandthatIwouldbewillingtoriskanythingtobewithhim.Hell,inmymind,Iwas
doingitrightnowonthisvesseltoMars.Despitewhateverwasstoppinghimfromtakingthenextstep
withme,nothinghadbeenabletopreventmefromneedinghim,notevenknowingthathewashiding
somethingfromme.

Thedrinkcartwasparkedinfrontofourrow,andJakewouldn’tletmeorderanythingbuta

BloodyMarytorelax.Ofcourse,theolder,bustyflightattendantlickedherlipsandmadeaflirtatious
facebeforehandinghimhisbeverageandmovingpastus.Hesmiledbackather,andthispromptedmeto
downmydrink,whichimmediatelywenttomyhead.

Heliftedmyemptyglass.“Thirsty?”
“Yes.”
Thetwohourflightseemedtotakeforever,butwhenthepilothadputonthefastenseatbeltsign,

andtheoldladyacrosstheaislehadtakenoutherrosarybeads,Iknewwewereclosetolanding.

Theturbulencefromlosingaltitudebroughtmypanicsymptomsbackinfullforce.Myearswere

popping.Hedidn’tsayanything,justgrabbedmyhandbecauseheknewIneededit.

Onejoltinparticularforcedmetosqueezehishandevenharder.Hesurprisedmewhenhe

reachedoverme,lockingbothofmyhandsinhis.“It’salmostover,Nina.Youdidgood,”hewhisperedin
asoothingtone.

Ifocusedonlyonthewarmthofhisgrip,meltingmybodylikebutter,togetmethroughtheslow

descent.Whenwefinallytoucheddown,IlookedoveratLadyRosary.Wesmiledateachotherand
simultaneouslymadethesignsofthecross.

CHAPTER14

Iwassoincrediblyhappytobebackonland.Wehadnobagstoretrieve,soJakeandImadeit

outofthecrowdedairportinnotime.Itwasenergizingtofeeltheairofaforeigncityonmyfaceaswe
exitedtheslidingdoors.ThiswasaplaceIprobablywouldhaveneverotherwisevisitedoverthecourse
ofmylife,andagain,IwasgratefulthatJakehadpushedmethisfar.

Sinatra’sMyKindofTown,thesongaboutChicago,playedinmyheadasgiddyexcitementto

explorethisnewcitybuiltupinsideme.

Wehoppedintoawaitingcab,andhetoldthedrivertotakeustoWillisTower.
“What’sthat?”Iasked.
“You’llfindoutsoonenough.”
Ispoketoosoonaboutbeinggratefulforhispushingmeandhadbeenhopingtocatchabreakfor

therestofthetrip.ItookmyphoneouttogoogleitandsoonlearnedthatWillisTowerwasthesiteofa
famousChicagolandmarkknownasthe“TheLedge,”aglassboxthatextendsoutfromthebuilding’s
Skydeck,1,300feetintheair.Apparently,evenpeoplewhoarenotnormallyafraidofheightsgetscared
standingonthisthing.

Heleanedovermyshoulder.“So,youfigureditout,hey,Sherlock?”
“Haven’tIhadenoughtortureforoneday?”
“We’rejustgoingtodothisonething,andthenIpromise,therestoftheday,we’lljustchill.”He

crossedhisheartwithhishand.

“Whattimeisourreturnflight?”
“Late…notuntilnine.”
Iwasofficiallyontheoldwoodenrollercoasterofanxietyagain,risingupslowly.
WhenthecabletusoffatthebuildingonSouthWackerDrive,Ilookedupandgulped.“You’re

kiddingme,right?”

“Comeon.”Hewavedandledmethroughthefrontdoorstotheelevators.
Mypanicdidn’tevenhavetimetofullybuildbecauseinwhatseemedlikelessthanaminute,we

hadarrivedonthe103

floorinlightningspeed.

Ididn’tknowifitwasbecauseIhadjustsurvivedaflightthousandsoffeetintothesky,butbeing

uptherewasn’tasbadasIwasexpecting.Icouldn’twaittobedonewithit,butcomparedtoflying,it
producedsomuchlessanxietybecausetherewasameanstoescape.

Jakemademefeellikeakidwhenhestoppedtotellthestaffitwasmyfirsttime,andsomeone

actuallygavemeasticker.

AnunexpectedcalmnesscameovermeasIlookedoutattheview.
Thereweredetailspostedallaroundthatexplainedwhatpartofthecitywewereviewingoneach

side.

Jakeledmeovertothishigh-techsetofbinoculars.“Look,that’sthesouthsideofthecity,whereI

grewup.”Hepointedtohisoldstompinggrounds.Itmademebothsadandhappyforhimbecausehe
hadn’tbeenbackhereinyears.Iwonderedifhewasthinkingabouthisfatherorwhatheleftbehindwhen
hemovedtoBoston.

Afterabouttenminutes,Iknewtherewasonelastthinghewasgoingtomakemedo.
“Comeon,let’sgotakeapictureontheledge,”hesaid.

Shit.
IknewIwasn’tgettingoutofthis,soIhungontohim,grippinghisjacketashepracticallydragged

meovertotheterrifyingglassplatform.

Icontinuedtonervouslyclingontohim,floatingthroughthemoment,developingvertigoasmy

legsshook.Asthestafftookaprofessionalpictureofus,Iwascarefulnottolookdown.

Luckily,hedidn’tforcemetostayonitforverylong.Whenwesteppedoff,itwasanimmense

relief,butIwasgladIhaddoneit.Icouldhaveneverdreamtofattemptingthatwithouthimbymyside.
Theygaveusourpicture,andittookmybreathaway.Thetwoofuswerebasicallyontopoftheworld,
andthatwasexactlyhowIfelt.

***

ThenextlegoftheadventurewasasubwayridetoJake’soldneighborhood.
Itwasrundownwithdilapidatedhousesveryclosetogether.Therewasabodegaonthecorner

thatheusedtofrequentasakid.Hetoldmehewouldbuypennycandythereafterscroungingupallofhis
change.HetookmeinsideandboughtmesomeLemonheadsandLaffyTaffy.

Wedodgedchildrenplayingonthenarrowsidewalksasweapproachedabeigehousewitha

rustyrailingalongasteepsetofstairs.

“Thisisit.Thiswaswherewelived,”hesaidwithalookofchildlikeawe,asIfollowedhimup

thefrontsteps.

Heknockedonthedoor,buttherewasnoanswer.“Thatsucks.Iwashopingtoseetheinside.”
Ifeltbadthatwehadcomeallthisway,andhewouldn’tbeabletoseehisoldhouse.
Jakeputhishandonthesmallofmybackaswewalkedbackdown,anditgavemegoosebumps.

“Comeon,let’sgooutback,”hesaid.

Hedidn’tseemtocarethatweweretrespassing;itwasclearhefeltthatthememoriesheregave

himsomeownership.

Therewasnofencepreventingaccesstothebackyard,whichwasasmallrectangularareaof

grasswithaconcretebordersurroundingit.

“Checkthisout,”hesaid,leadingmeovertoashadycorner.
Carvedintotheconcretewerethewords,JakeLovesBuffy.
“Buffy,huh?Luckygirl,”Isaidaswebothsatonthegroundnexttothecarving.
“Buffy.Iwasnine.Shewasbasicallymyfirstlove.”

Ididnotjustgetatwingeofjealousyoveranine-year-oldgirl!

“Whatwasshelike?”
“ShelovedtonibbleonthingsifyouknowwhatImean.”
“Nibble?”
“She’ddoanythingforme.Ihadhereatingoutofthepalmofmyhand.”
“Seriously?Imean,Ifiguredyouhadskills,butnine-years-old?”
“Buffywasportly.Shelovedtoeat.So,aslongasIfedher,shewashappy.”Henoticedmy

disturbedexpressionandchuckled.“Ahamster,Nina!Buffywasmyfirstpet.”

Ilookedupattheskyandshookmyhead.Ifeltsostupid.“Seriously?”
“Yeah.ThisgrassyarearightbythecarvingiswhereIhadtoburyher.Thatwasatoughday.”
“Iamsorry,Jake.”Ihopeditwasn’tbadthatIwaslaughingsomewhatwhenIsaidthat.
“Itsoundssostupid,butforakid,whenadamnhamsteristheonlythingyoucamehometo

everydayandthenitdies,well,thatwasashittyday.”

“Whatdoyoumeantheonlythingyoucamehometo?”
“Iwasalatch-keykid.Mymotherhadtoworktwojobsaftermyfatherdied,andshecouldn’t

affordababysitter.So,whenthebusdroppedmeoffatthecorner,Iwouldwalkhomeandcomeintoan
emptyhouse.I’dlockthedoorwithlikefivedifferentdeadbolts,makeapeanutbutterandbanana
sandwichandhopeforthebest.”

Idefinitelywasn’tlaughingnow;myheartachedforthatlittleboy.“God,thatissosad.”
“Itwasfine.Ididn’tknowanydifferent.Mymotherworkedhard,andshehadnochoice.She

taughtmetotakecareofmyself,andtheoldladynextdoorwouldlookinonmefromtimetotime.Butthe
thingis,fortwoyears,Ilookedforwardtoseeingthatlittlecrittereveryday.”

Iwasnotabouttocryoverahamster.
Iwas…abouttocryoverahamster.
Myeyesbecamewatery,andIranmyhandoverthecarving.“Well,foralatch-keykid,youturned

outreallywell.”Inudgedhimplayfullywithmyshoulder.“You’reseriouslythesmartestpersonIhave
evermet.”

Hedidn’tsayanything.Hejustclosedhiseyeswithaplacidlookonhisfaceasthewindblewon

us.Ifelthonoredtobeherewithhimattheplacewhereheexperiencedsomanythingsthatshapedhim.

Heopenedhiseyesandrubbedmyshoulder.“Areyoucold?Youwannagetgoing?”
Thetruthwas,itwasthewarmestI’dfeltallday.“Let’sstayforalittlebitlonger.Wecameall

thisway.”

“Okay.Thankyou.”
Wejustsat,takinginthecoldairandlisteningtothesoundsofsirensandchildreninthedistance.

Iwantedsobadlyinsidehisheadashelookedaround.Itwasclearthisplacestillmeantalottohim.

Ireallywantedtoholdhishand,soIreachedforit,andheopenedhispalmforme,takingminein

hisandsaid,“Thankyoufortaggingalongwithme.”

“Doesitmakeyousadtobebackhere?”
“NotifItakemyownadviceandonlythinkaboutthegoodmemories.It’sallaboutfocusingon

thegoodones,remember?”

Isqueezedhishandtighter.“Whataresomeofthegoodones?”
Helookedupoveratthehouse.“Oh,Ihavealotatthisplace.Christmaseswithmymotherwere

definitelygoodones.Shewouldsaveuphervacationdaysandusethemallupduringtheholidays.She’d
doupthewholehouseincheesytinselandplasticmistletoe,andwe’deatgreasyChineseandplaygames
likeMonopoly.We’dwatchAChristmasStoryoverandoverbecausethat’sthebestfuckin’movieever.”
Helaughed.“Then,ofcourse,thereweretheteenagememories.Let’sjustsaybeingalatch-keykidain’t
sobadwhenyouwanttosneakgirlsinatfifteen.”

Icringed.“Ibet.”
“Then,therewasthedayIfoundmysister…comingbackhereandtellingmyMom.OrthedayI

checkedthemailboxrightoutfrontthereandopenedaletterthatsaidIhadgottenafullrideto
Northeastern.Man,I’llneverforgetthatday.”

“Wow,Ineverknewthat.”
“Yeah.AstheysayinBoston,Iwasprettysmaht.”
“Well,Iknewthatpart.”
“Anyways,lotsofgoodmemories...focusonthegood…”
“Iamtrying.Idon’tknowhowIgottobesuchanegativeperson…soflawed.”
Heturnedtome.“Flawed?”
“Yeah,youknow,withallmycrazyfears.”
Hedidn’trespondrightawayandseemedtobethinkingaboutsomething.“Whendidyourfirst

panicattackhappenagain?”

“Iwasaseniorinhighschool.”
“Whatwasgoingoninyourlifethen?”
Maybeitshouldhaveseemedobvious,butforsomereason,untilthisverymoment,Ihadnever

connectedmyownissuestomybrother’sdeath.Thetruthwas,“Mybrotherhadjustdied…amonth
beforethefirstattack.”

Mybrotherhadjustdied.
“See,Nina,Ihadn’tevenrealizedthatpart.Isitreallythatunusualforsomeonewhoexperienced

atraumaticeventtolosecontrol?Thatdoesn’tmakeyouflawed.Itmakesyoureal.”

Ilookeddownatourintertwinedhandsandbackathim.“Ihavehonestlyneverthoughtaboutit

thatway.Ialwaysjustassumedmypanicattackswereasignofweakness.”

Jakescratchedhischinandturnedhisbodytowardmine.“I’vebeenthinkingaboutsomethingalot

sinceImetyou.Everyonehasfears.Yoursarejustmoretangible.Youwearthemonyoursleeve.You
thinkyou’reweak,butyou’reoneofthestrongestpeopleIknow,becauseasoftodayyou’veknockedthe
toptwothingsyoufeareddownonebyoneinarelativelyshortamountoftime.Doyourealizehowrareit
isforpeopletoactuallydothat?Somepeopleneverhavethecouragetofacetheirfearsinanentire
lifetime,letaloneamatterofmonths.”

Ipushedmyshoulderintohimplayfully.“Mostpeopledon’thavecrazyroommateswhotakean

interestinhelpingthemdoit.”

“YouthinkI’vehelpedyou…butyouinspireme,Nina,withoutevenrealizingit.Seeingyouand

howyou’vetrustedmeenoughtoguideyouthroughyourownfears,makesmethinkaboutfacingsomeof
myown.”

“Ican’timagineyoubeingafraidofanything.Whatdoyoufear?”
“Whataremyfears?”Helookedupatthesky,andhisliptwitchedasheponderedmyquestion,

thenlookedbackatme.“Hurtingpeople…likelettingpeopleIcareaboutdown.Stufflikethat.”

ThatwasallIwasgoingtogetbecausehelookedawayfromme,andIknewanimaginarywall

hadjustgoneup.Jakewaslikeapuzzle.He’doffermesmallpiecesofhislife,butnoneofthemfit
togethertotellacompletestory.Themoresilencethatensued,themoresureIbecamethathewasn’t
goingtoelaborateonwhyhewasafraidofhurtingpeopleandwhohewasafraidtohurt.Idecidednotto
pressmyluckinpryingfurther.

Aplaneflewoverhead,andwebothlookedupatitinunison.Moretimepassedinsilenceaswe

satholdinghandswhilewecontinuedtotrespassonthebacklawnofthishouse.

Asuddenblastofwindblewmyhairrightintohisface,andIsaid,“They’renotkiddingwhen

theycallitawindycity.Sorryaboutthat.”

“Don’tapologize,”hesaid,stilllookingupatthesky,beforewhispering,“Iloveyourhair.”He

saiditsosoftlyIwasn’tsureheintendedformetohearit.

ButIdid.
Heletgoofmyhandabruptly,andhiseyespoppedoutofhishead.“Doyoulikemilkshakes?”
Holyrandomtransition.
“Sure.”
Hestoodup,andIfollowedsuit.“Let’sgetoutofhere.”

CHAPTER15

“Thisplaceisawesome,”IsaidasIfollowedhimintoBernie’sdiner,aretro-stylejointaboutsix

blocksfromhisoldhouse.

ThesmellofFrenchfriesandburgerswasabsoluteheavenbecauseIwasstarving.
“Wait‘tilyoutastethefood.”Hewasgrinningfromeartoearaswesatourselvesinaboothby

thewindow.Thetablehadoneofthoseminijukeboxes,andforadollar,wecouldplayourchoiceof
abouttwenty-fivedifferentoldiesfromthe50’sand60’s.

“ThesemusicboxeshavebeenheresinceIwasakid.Thesongsareexactlythesame.It’swild.”
“Whatareyougonnaplay?”
Heputsomechangeintothemachine.“Myfatherusedtoalwaysplaythisone.”
Irecognizeditimmediately,andmymouthdroppedbecauseIcouldn’tbelievemyears.“Crimson

andClover,”Isaid.

“Youknowit?”
“ThiswasoneofJimmy’sfavoritesongs.Itwasfromwaybeforeourtime,buthelovedit.

Except,itwastheJoanJettversionhewouldplay.Whosingsthisone?”

Jakeclosedhiseyesandmovedhisheadslowlytotherhythmofthehauntingsongbefore

answeringme.“That’swildaboutyourbrother.ThiswasmyDad’sabsolutefavoritesong.Thisone’sthe
originalbyTommyJamesandtheShondells.It’soneofthefewsongsthatremindmeofmychildhood,
becausehe’dplayiteverySundaywhenwe’dcomehere.”

“Ididn’trealizetheotheronewasaremake.”
“IliketheJoanJettversionbetter,butthisistheonemyDadalwayslistenedto.”
Whenthesongfinished,awaitresscamebytotakeourorder.Wehadn’tevenlookedatthemenus,

soshesaidshe’dcomeback.

Hehandedmeone.“IknowwhatI’mgetting,butyoushoulddecide.Themilkshakesare

legendary,andtheburgers…don’tevengetmestarted.”

“I’llhavewhateveryouget.”
“Anchovypie,then?”Hewinked,thenflaggedthewaitressdownandsaid,“We’lltaketwo

Bernieburgersandtwostrawberrymilkshakes.”

Whilewewerewaitingforourfood,heplayedwiththestrawtohiswaterthenlookedupatme

andasked,“Whatmadeyoudecidetobecomeanurse?”

“Honestly?Mybrother.Therewasthisonenursewhowaswithhimthemost.Hernamewas

Kerri.Shewasyounger,justoutofschool.Ithinkheactuallyhadacrushonher.”Ilaughedthinkingabout
howcutemybrotherwas.“Ijustrememberbeingsogratefulforthetimesthatshewaswithhimwhenwe
couldn’tbebecauseofworkorschool.Hewassosickbutwouldjustlightupwhenevershewasaround.
AndIrememberthinkingbackthen,God,ifmybrothermakesit,IswearIamgoingtogivebackanddo
thesamethingforsomeoneelse’sbrotherorson.”

“So,afterhedied,youstilldecidedtodoit.”
“Yeah,Idid.”Ifocusedonhisdragontattoo,tryingnottolosemycomposure.
HecouldtellIwasabouttocry.
“It’sokay,Nina.
Myvoicewasnowshaky,butImanagedtogetittogether.“Itjustmademesothankfulthathehad

her…someonethatbroughtalittlelightintohislife,duringsuchadarktime.”

“Icanrelatetothat,”hesaidlookingdown,playingwithhisstrawagain.
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Muchneededlightduringadarktime…beingonthereceivingendofthat.”
Then,helookedstraightupatmesuddenly.Ididn’tfullyunderstandwhathemeant,butbeforeI

couldaskwhathewasreferringto,ourfoodhadarrived.

Igaspedwhenthewaitresssetmyplateinfrontofme.“Okay,thisburgerisbiggerthanmyhead.”
Hechuckled.“Don’tworry.Whateveryoudon’tfinish,I’lleat.”
Ourhandscollidedwhenwebothreachedforthesaltatthesametime.Evenasplitsecondof

touchinghimsentashockwavethroughme.

Asusual,weateincomfortablesilence,andthesoundshemadewhiledevouringtheburger

remindedmeofhisreactiontomydesserts.Hedefinitelyletitbeknownwhenhewastrulyenjoying
something.

TheshakewassothickIcouldbarelygetitthroughthestraw.
“Youneedtosuckonitharder,”hesaidwithasmirk,wigglinghiseyebrows.
Hewasthekingofsexualinnuendos.Iusuallydidn’tplayalongbutwasinadifferentkindofa

moodtoday.“Iguessmymouthisjustoutofpractice.”

Henearlychokedonhisownshakeandthattopicofconversationprettymuchendedthere.
Suddenlyembarrassedatmyboldness,Ichangedthesubject.“So,youaskedmewhyIdecidedto

becomeanurse.Whydidyouchooseengineering?”

“Fromayoungage,Ilikedtotakethingsapartandputthembacktogether.So,Iguessitwasthe

fieldthatfitthebill.”

So,whenheripsmyheartout,he’llbeabletofixit.
Ilookeddownathissexyarms.“Iamsureyougetaskedthisallthetime,butwhatarethe

meaningsbehindyourtattoos,likethedragon,forexample?That’smyfavoriteone.”

Squintinghiseyessarcastically,hesaid,“No…nooneeverasksmethat!”Hechuckled.

“Seriously,though,nothingprofound.Everyonethinksthere’sgottobesomefuckingdeepmeaningbehind
ink,butIjustthoughtthedragonlookedcool.Thesamegoesforthese.”Hepointedtohisrightarmthat
sportedvariousCelticandtribalmarkings,alongwithcrosses,rosesandotherartwork.“All
meaningless,exceptforthisonerighthere,themoonwithmyfather’sinitialsonit.Igotmostofthese
whenIwasateenager.”

Ireachedacrossthetableandrubbedmyindexfingeroverthehalfmoontattoothathadtheletters

A.B.G.surroundingit.

“Whatdoesitstandfor?”
“AlanBoydGreen.”
“Whatdoesthemoonmean?”
Helookeddownatmyfinger,whichwasstillbrushingagainsthisarmandsaid,“MyDadusedto

saythisthingtomebeforeheleftthehouseortuckedmeinatnight.IwouldtellhimIlovedhimthenhe
wouldsayhelovedmetoo.ButIwouldalwaysaskhimhowmuch.Hewouldsay,‘tothemoon…Ilove
youtothemoon.’”

“Thatissoincrediblysweet.”
Hewasstaringoutthewindow.“Sometimes,Ilookupatthemoonatnightandthinkofhim.I

knowthat’sfuckingcheesy…butIdo.”

“Ithinkthat’sbeautiful.”
Ithinkyouarebeautifultoo,andGodhelpme,Iwanttokissyousobadlyrightnow.
“Hewasthisbigbikerdude,youknow?Buthehadaheartofgold,andhewouldhavebeena

greatfathertohavegrowingup.”Heliftedhisthumb,pointingtothebandhealwaysworearoundit.

“ThiswasmyDad’sweddingring,actually.”

Wow.
“Heknewthatyoulovedhim,Jake.IregretnottellingmybrotherIlovedhimmorelikethat.”
“Weallhavethingsweregret…decisionswemakethatwehavetolivewith.Youcan’tdwellon

themandbeatyourselfupforit.Itdoesn’tchangeanything.”

Westayedinthatdinerboothforatleastthreehours.Weplayedmoremusicfromthejukebox,and

ItoldJakestoriesaboutgrowingupintheboonies;hecouldn’tbelieveIactuallydroveatractorandsaid
he’dpaymoneyifIlethimcomehomeandwatch.HejokedthathewouldpaymoreifIdiditinabikini.

Then,wesharedahugesliceof“deathbychocolate”cake.HehadaskedmeifIwantedtogo

exploremoreofChicago,buttherewassomethingsopeacefulaboutthisnostalgicplace.ItoldhimI
preferredtojusthangouthereuntilwehadtoheadbacktotheairport.

Thesunhadset,andtheeveningdinnercrowdstartedtofillBernie’s.Everytimethebellonthe

doorchimed,itremindedmeIwasonestepclosertogettingbackonanotherplane.Theanxietystartedto
buildupagain.

Itookthelastbiteofcake,andwithmymouthfull,said,“Thisdayreallysurprisedme.Ihadno

cluewhatyouhadinstore,butitturnedouttobeoneofthebestdaysI’vehadinareallylongtime.To
thinkIwasdreadingit.Now,Ijusthavegetthroughtheflighthome.”

“Youcanchooserighthereandnowtostayinthepresentandletgoofthefearoryoucanchoose

toengageit.Nothingcanhurtyouonthatplane,unlessyouletit.”

Iputmyforkdown.“Howdidyougettobesowise?Seriously,you’relikean80-year-oldman

stuckinahot,tattedbody.”

WhatthehelldidIjustsaytohim?
Hisgazewaspenetrating,andtheamusedsmileonhisfaceshowedmethatmyadmissionhadn’t

escapedhim.

“So…youthinkI’mhot?”Hissmilewasdeviousnow.Hewasgoingtotortureme.
Ididn’tknowwhattosay,sodecidedonananswerthatmadenosense.“Well,youknowwhatI

mean.”

“Arethereothermeaningsforhot?”
“Jake—”
“You’returningred…stop.I’mmessingwithyou.Youmakeitsoeasysometimes.”Helaughed

andstartledmewhenhereachedacrossthetableandswipedhisthumbgentlyacrossmylipthenlicked
hisfinger.Chillsradiateddownmyspineashedidit.

“Youhadchocolatealloveryourmouth.Itwascuteforawhile,butIdidn’twantyouleavinghere

likethat.”

“Oh…thanks,”Isaidlookingaway,stillembarrassedaboutwhatIhadjustadmitted.Iwasalso

desperatelywishinghehadlickedthechocolatedirectlyoffofmymouth,soIcouldtastehim.

Itwasnowcompletelydarkout,andIknewwehadtoleaveinafewminutes.Iwishedwecould

juststayhereinthisboothlonger.Somehowwewereabletodrownoutthewholeworldforthepastfew
hours.Hehadmecrazyinlustandhadawayofmakingmewanttotellhimeverything,likemydeepest
fearsanddesires.Sometimes,ImadeanassoutofmyselfintheprocessbecauseifIwasbeing
honest…hewasmydeepestdesire.

“Readytogo?Weshouldgettotheairport,”hesaidashetookouthiswalletandpaidthebill.
“AsreadyasI’lleverbe.”
AsweexitedBernie’s,heputhishandonthesmallofmybackagain,andmybreathingquickened

immediately.Anytimehesomuchasbrushedupagainstme,letalonetouchedmedirectly,mybody
responded,andlately,theeffectshavebeencumulative;Iwasslowlywearingthin.

***

Ontheflighthome,beforetakeoff,hegrabbedmyhandwithoutmyaskinghimto.
Ithinkhecouldseemynervesstartingtoworktheirwayuptopanicmode.
Thisplanewasbiggerandnearlyempty,andwehadalargemiddlerowalltoourselves.Iwas

scaredbutdidn’tfeelasoutofcontrolasIwasatthestartofthefirstflight.Itwasnighttime,and
somehowthatwasmorecalmingthanthesunpouringin.

“Youthinkyoucanmakeitthroughtakeoffwithoutatickle?”
Inodded.“Justdon’tletgoofmyhand,okay?”
“Ipromise.Iwon’t.”
Andhedidn’t,fortheentireflight.Evenwhenwehadreachedcruisingaltitude,evenwhenthe

flightattendantcamebywithdrinks,evenwhenhewouldreachintohisbackpackforsomething,hekept
myhandinhis.Itwasasmallgesture,butitwasthefirsttimeItrulyfeltthathewasholdingitbecausehe
wantedto,notbecauseIneededhimto.

Itwasdarkinsidetheplaneasidefromsomesmallinteriorlights.Sittingclosetohiminthedim

lightingofourotherwiseemptyrowfeltintimate.

Jakecameupwithagametogetmymindoffapatchofturbulence.“Wearegoingtotaketurns

shoutingoutaword,andthenwebothhavetosaythefirstthingthatcomestomind.

Ibreathedout,stillshakenfromtheconstantbouncingoftheplane.“Okay.”
“Ready?”
“Yeah,”Isaid.
“Youfirst,”hesaid.
Thefirstsubjectthatcametomymindwas“Chicago.”
Me:“Bernies.”
Jake:“Home.”
“Math,”Jakesaid.
Me:“Torture.”
Jake:“Fun.”
“Mrs.Ballsworthy,”Isaidlaughing.
Welookedateachother,amusedandsaidinunison,“Fuck.”
Hethrewouthisownname.“Jake.”
Me:“Bananas.”
Jake:“Hot.”
Ismackedhim.
Ithrewout,“Nina.”
Me:“Spectacular.”
Jake:(Silentpause)“Letmethinkaboutthatandgetbacktoyou.”
Iwhackedhimplayfullyagain.
Wecontinuedtoplaythebackandforthgameuntiltheturbulenceletup.Hehadsucceededin

distractingmefromit.

Ithadbeenalongday,andIdecidedtolaymyheadbackandclosemyeyes,eventhoughIwas

toonervoustoactuallynap.Jakewasstillholdingmyhand,andatonepoint,startedrubbinghisthumb
softlybackandforthacrossit.Myeyeswerestillclosed,butIwasmeltingintotheseat,quivering
betweenmylegsatthesmallbutsensualgesture.IsqueezedhishandinanattempttocommunicatethatI
likeditwhenhedidthat.Ashecontinuedtobrushacrossmyhandwithhisthumb,Imimickedhimand

startedrubbingmyownthumbacrosshis.Eventually,ourtwothumbsweremovinginsoftcircular
motions.

WhenIopenedmyeyessuddenly,Iwassurprisedtofindhimturnedinhisseatcompletelytoward

me.Ihadassumedhewaslookingstraightaheadwithhiseyesclosed,likeIwas.Instead,hewasjust
staringatme,andIseemedtohavecaughthimintheact.Washedoingthattheentiretimeourthumbs
weremakingout?

Hisbreathingwasrapid,andhewaslookingatmelikehewasstrugglingtosaysomething,likehe

definitelywantedtokissme,likehewantedinsidemysoul,butsomethingwasholdinghimback.

Hetookhishandfrommineandusedittopushmyhairbehindmyears,satupandthensaid,“You

betterputonyourseatbelt.Thelightjustcameon.”

Wesaidnothingelsefortherestoftheflight.Myheartwaspounding,butthistime,itwasn’t

becauseofmyfearofflying.ItwasforfearofJake.BecauseIhadreallythoughtthatsomethingwasabout
tohappenbetweenusinthatmoment,yetintypicalJakefashion,hestoppedatthetippingpoint.And
thosebutterfliesinmystomach?Theyweredeadfromexhaustion.

***

WhenIreturnedfromtheshowertomybedroomthatnight,inplaceofapaperbatonmy

nightstand,wasapairofplasticgoldpilot’swingsthatIhadapparentlyearnedasabraveflier.So,once
again,Jakemanagedtomakemefeellikeachild.

Iwasdamnproudofmyself,though.Thefeelingwasbittersweetbecauseeventhoughourtrip

rocked,itcreatedmoreconfusion.Aftertoday,Iwasabsolutelysurehefeltsomethingforme.

Thenextday,I’dleaveforalmosttwoweekstogohomeforChristmasbreak.WhatIdidn’tknow

was,onceIreturnedtoBrooklynaftertheholidays,nothingwouldeverbethesamethereagain.

CHAPTER16

Iwasbackatmyparents’houseallofoneday,andIwasalreadyitchingtoseeJakeagain.Itwas

theweekend,sohewouldhavebeeninBostonanyway,butitwaspsychologicalbecauseIknewI’dbe
hereforseveraldays.ItwouldbethefirstwholeweeksinceIhadknownhimthatwewouldbeapart.

Ifeltemptyandhopeless,anditwasmyfirstrealizationthatIwastrulybecomingaddictedtohim.

Itwassnowingheavily,andwhileIshouldhaveappreciatedthebeautifulwhitelandscapeoutsidethe
window,itjustmademefeelmoretrappedhere.

Isatontheredsuedecouch,mindlesslyflickingthroughcablechannels,whilereallyfocusedon

thoughtsofJake’sthumbbrushingagainstmine.

Then,mymindwanderedtothatnightinhisroomwhenhebasicallykickedmeout.Itriedreally

hardingeneralnottothinkaboutthatnight,thosewordsthatcameoutofhismouththatweresobrutally
raw.Inearlyhadanorgasmfromjustreplayingthemaloneandbelievedthathemeantwhathesaidabout
thethingshewantedtodotome.Hewastryinghardtostayaway.Thethoughtbothturnedmeon
immenselyandangeredme.

Atdinner,myparentsgrilledmeaboutlifeinNewYork.Theywereprettyconservative,andif

theythoughtIwasshackingupwithsomeoneIwantedtohavesexwith,theywouldflip.So,Ichoseto
continuetokeepmyfeelingsformyroommateasecret.

“So,honey,haveyoumetanyniceyoungmenyetinthecity?”mymotherasked.
“Noonespecial.”
Someoneamazing.
“Doyouthinkyouneedtogetoutmore?Maybejoinacollegecluborsomething?Ibetyouwould

meetaniceguyifyoujoinedsomekindofgroup.”

Unlesshehaspiercings,adragontattoo,wantstomakemecomeuntilIscreamineveryway

possibleandhisnameisJakeGreen…notinterested.

“Yeah,maybe,”Isaidwithabsolutelynofeelingwhatsoever.
Mymother,Sheryl,alwaystriedtoofferupadviceonwaysIcouldmeetmen.Unfortunately,her

judgmentcouldnotbetrusted.AsidefromthefactthatshethoughtSpencerwasthebestthingthatever
happenedtome,sheoncetriedtosetmeupwithaco-worker’ssonwho,atfirst,soundedinterestingon
paper.Hesupposedlyworkedin“makeup”andresembledafamousactor.Very“Hollywood,”right?”It
turnedouttobeadifferentstoryonceImettheguy.Hewasafuneralembalmer,whichalthoughit
weirdedmeout,Icouldhavelivedwith,hadthecelebrityheactuallyresemblednotbeenPeeWee
Herman.So,Ikeptmymotheroutofmylovelife.

Afterdinner,Iwenttomybedroomtodaydreaminprivate,whilelookingoutthewindowatour

neighbor’sholidaylights.WehadstoppedputtinglightsupafterJimmydied,butourneighbors,the
Hardimans,hadalwaysputupthesameexactdecorationseveryyearsinceIwasakid.Lookingoutat
theirfrontyardwasnostalgicbecausedespiteeverythingthatwelostwhenJimmydied,seeingthesame
oldpairoflitupreindeersandthesameinflatableSantawasaglimpsebacktothewaythingswerein
happiertimes.

ThenextnightwasChristmasEve.Itusedtobeahugedealinmyhousegrowingup,withlotsof

presentsunderthetreeandahugenativitydisplayoutside.AfterJimmydied,mymotherscaledback
significantly.Allwehadthisyearwasamodesttreeandtwostockings—Jimmy’sandmine—overthe

fireplace.

OurplansweretogotoalateafternoonmassatSt.Margaret’sChurch,followedbyasmall

gatheringofmyparents’closefriendsbackatthehouse.

Itwasinthemiddleofmassthatevening,whenmysolemnChristmasEvetookaninterestingturn.

MyphonehadbeenonvibratewhenIfeltitbuzzagainstthepew.ItwasatextfromJake.

Ididn’twanttoberudeandreaditduringthesermon,butIcouldn’thelpmyself.

So,I’minthemiddleofaChristmasgettogetheratmysister’shouse,andshehasPandora

radioon.ThatDivinylssongcomeson,andnowallIcanthinkaboutisyou.Thanksalot.

WhatDivinylssong?
Itwaskillingmenotknowingwhathewastalkingabout.Imanagedtoholdoffongooglingituntil

weleftthechurch.Onceinmyfather’scar,Isearched“Divinylssongs”andfoundit:ITouchMyself.I
knewthesongbutnotwhosangit.

Ofcourse.Veryfunny,Jake.
IhappenedtonoticeanothersongbyTheDivinylsonthelist.Itwastheperfecttitleofasongthat

woulddescribehowhemademefeel.So,Itextedhimback:

That’sfunny,becausethereisaDivinylssongthatremindsmeofyoutoo.It’scalled

PleasureandPain.

IwasexpectinghimtorespondintypicalJakefashionwithawisecomeback.

Jake:;-)So,whatareyoudoingtonight?

Nina:Christmasiskindofsadatmyhouse.Wejustwenttochurch.Now,goinghomefor

somedinner.Whataboutyou?

Jake:Playingdollswithmynieces.Don’ttellanyone.

Nina:LOL.Youneverceasetoamazeme.

Aboutthreeminuteslater…

Jake:Whenareyoucomingbacktothecity?

Nina:Notforalmosttwoweeks.

Jake:Damn.

Nina:Areyougonnamissmethatmuch?

Jake:Actually,yeah.Imissyoualready,tobehonest.Alot.

Oh.

Nina:Imissyoutoo.

Jake:MerryChristmas.

Nina:MerryChristmas.

Afterdinner,myparentsstayedinthediningroomeatingroastedchestnutswithafewfriends

whileIexcusedmyselfbacktomyroomyetagain.Ilaybackonmycanopybed(don’tlaugh)andclosed
myeyes,lookingupattheglow-in-the-darkstars(don’tlaugh)thatIhadstuckontheceilingyearsago.

AllIcouldfocusonwasJakesayingthathemissedme.Andyouknowwhat?Itwasahellofalot

betterthanfocusingonhowmuchImissedmybrother.Infact,thesepastfewmonthslivinginBrooklyn
havebeenthefirsttimesinceJimmydiedthatIhavefeltaliveagain.

Hebroughtmebacktolife.
Hebroughtmebacktolife,andhecouldverywellbethedeathofmealloveragain.
Itwouldbeworththerisk.
Buthe’sholdingallthecards.

Anhourlater,itwasaboutteno’clockwhenmyphonevibrated.

Didyouseethemoontonight?

Ismiledandimmediatelywalkedovertomywindow.Themoonwasnotquitefullbutalmost,and

itwasamazinglybright.Alongwiththesnowonthegroundandtheholidaylightsshiningfromacrossthe
street,thecombinationwasastonishinglybeautiful.ItabsolutelywarmedmyhearttothinkaboutJake
lookingupatthatsamemoon,thinkingofhisDadtonight.

Nina:IwouldhaveneverthoughttolookoutatthemoononChristmasEve,butIamgladI

did.Youalwayshaveawayofopeningupmyeyestothings.

Jake:ThereisnothingmoreI’dratherlookatrightnow,actually.

Nina:Themoonisbeautiful.

Jake:Iwastalkingaboutyoureyes.

Onreflex,Itouchedmyhandtomyheart,asiftostopitfromleapingoutofmychest.Hehadthe

abilitytocompletelyshakemetothecoreandtransformmybodytomushwithasimplesentence.I
neededtorespondbutcouldn’tformacoherentword.HetextedagainbeforeIcouldtry.

Jake:They’rethemostbeautifuleyesI’veeverseen.Igetlostinthemsometimes.They

comfortmeinawaythatnothingelsecan.

MyhandwasshakingasIwrote.

Nina:Iloveyoureyes,too.

Jake:IknowI’vebeenconfusingyou.Iamsorry.Weneedtotalkwhenyoucomehome.

Myheartwaspalpitatingbecauseitdidn’tknowhowtoreactto“weneedtotalk.”

Nina:Ithinkweneedtotalk,too.

Iwaitedforaresponse,butapparentlythatwastheendoftheexchange.Ifellasleepconfused,not

surewhethertobeheartbrokenorhappythathewantedtotalkaboutus.

MyphonewasstillinmyhandwhenIwokeupthenextmorning,Christmasday.Ilookeddown

andrealizedhehad,infact,textedmeonemoretime,hourslaterinthemiddleofthenight.

Jake:I’vegotit…Angel.That’smyanswertoyourquestionfromtheplane.WhatNina

remindsmeof.

Ididn’tknowwhatexactlyhadgottenintohim,butIwassortoflikingit.AsIgotoutofbed,

though,giddinesstransformedintoalingeringfearthathadbeguntognawatme.

Throughoutthecourseofthatday,hisadmissionthatweneededtotalkwhenIgotback,had

startedtoconsumeme.

IhadnoappetiteduringourChristmashamdinnerbecausemybodyhadbasicallyshutdownfrom

worrying.

WhenmyparentsandIsatdownlatertowatch,Elf,mymindwasnotfocusedonthemovie,andI

wasn’tfindingpartsfunnythatusedtomakemelaughoutloud.Thedifferenttheoriesaboutwhathe
wantedtosaytomewerefloodingmybrain.

Then,Icametoanunhealthyrealization.Iseriouslydidn’tthinkIcouldlivewithoutJakeandfelt

likemyentireworldwouldcrumblewithouthiminit.EventhoughIwantedtotakethenextstepwithhim
sobadly,atthesametime,Iknewifthingsstayedthesame,Iwouldneverhavetoworryaboutlosinghim.
Therewassomethingtobesaidforkeepingthingsjustastheywere.

Thefactthathehadn’ttextedmeagainthatChristmasSundayputmefurtheronedge.

***

ThefollowingTuesdayJakewasbackinNewYorkwhenhetextedmeforthefirsttimesince

ChristmasEve.

Jake:Thehouseisfuckingboringwithoutyou.Evensniffingyourunderwearhasn’tputme

outofmyfunk.IfIsniffthisonefivetimes,willyoumagicallyreappear?

Nina:LOL.Getoutofmylingeriedrawer!

Jake:36C?Iknewit.

Nina:Now,Iknowyou’relyingbecauseyou’reoffbyacupsize.

Jake:36D?Really?Damn.

Nina:34Dbutyes.

Jake:Thatwasacleverwaytogetyourbrasize,though,wasn’tit?

Nina:Whatareyoureallydoing?

Jake:Justsittingaround,actually.TarahandRyanaregoingdownstairstoEleni’sfor

dinner.ImightgowiththembecauseIhavenothingbettertodowithoutyouheretobug.

Thefactthathe’dbegoingdownstairstonightirkedmeandmademewanttojumponthenextbus

back.IfDesireewereworking,shewouldusetheopportunityofJakebeingathirdwheelwithoutmy
beingthere,tosinkhernastypawsintohim.

Nina:That’snice.Havefun.

Jake:Whatdaydoyougetbackagain?

Nina:SometimeduringtheweekendofJanuary8

Jake:Shit.Iwon’tbehome.I’llseeyouthatMonday,the9

,then?

Nina:Yeah.

Jake:Let’splantogooutthatnight.

Nina:Okay.Havefunatdinner.

Jake:Whereisthislingeriedrawer,btw?

Nina:(RollsEyes)

Jake:;-)

***

Attheendofthetwoweeks,IendeduparrivingbackinBrooklynonaSaturdayafternoon.Apart

ofmewashopingthatbysomemiracle,JakewouldhaveskippedBostonjustthisonce,buthewasgone.

TarahandRyanwerenowheretobefoundeither,soIdecidedtogooutforajog,sincethe

weatherwasactuallymildforJanuary.Runningwouldbeagoodwaytoexpendsomeofthenervous
energythathadbuiltupoverthepastcoupleofweeks.

Afterchangingintospandexandahoodedsweatshirt,IgrabbedmyiPodandabottleofwater

fromthefridgeandflewoutthedoor.Onmywaydownthestairs,IcouldheargroaningcomingfromMrs.
Ballsworthy’sapartmentwhichpromptedmetostopinthestairwelloutsideofherdoorandlistenin.

Strange.
Usually,theonlysoundscomingfromthatplacewereanexpletiveoragameshowblaringonthe

television.

Thenoisescontinued,andIstoodparalyzed,unsureofwhattomakeofit.Suddenly,camethe

words,“Help!Helpme!”

OhGod!
WhatwasIsupposedtodo?Iwasterrifiedofthatwoman.Shescaredthebejesusoutofme.
Puttingasidemyterror,Iturnedtheknob,surprisedtofindthatthedoorwasopen.Inervously

trottedonmytippytoestothebackoftheapartmentandfollowedthesoundthatwascomingfromoneof
thebedrooms.

Shewasonthefloor,clutchingherchestandturnedtome.“Helpme,Nina.Help…me.”
“Mrs.Ballsworthy?!”Irushedovertoher,andshegrabbedbyhandsqueezingit.Idialed911.

“Yes,Ineedanambulancerightawayto1185Lincoln.Ithinkmyneighbormightbehavingaheartattack.
Mrs.Ballsworthy,whatareyoufeeling?Canyoutalk?”

Shecouldbarelygetoutthewords.“Chest…tight…pain…arm.”
Irespondedtothedirectionsofthedispatcher.“Okay…okay.Yes,ofcourse,I’llstaywithher.

Yes…she’slyingdown.Doyouhaveanyaspirin?”

Shepointedtobathroomacrossthehall.
IranandgrabbedabottleofBayerthatwasinthecabinet,rushingbacktoherandplacingonein

hermouthinapanic.Iopenedmywaterbottleandhelpedherdrinksomedown.

“Don’tleaveme,Nina.”
“Iwon’t.I’mrighthere.I’mnotgoinganywhere,”Isaidholdingherhandforaboutfiveminutes

untilthesoundofsirensinthedistancegotcloser.

Asmyfatheralwaysusedtosay,“Wemakeplans,andGodlaughs.”Iwasheadingoutforajog

andsomehowendedupinthebackofanambulancewithawomanwhoseonlywordstomepriortotoday
hadbeen,“Gofuckyourself.”

ThewomannexttomewasnolongerthatmiserablepersonIthoughtIknew;shewasjust…

scared.Somehow,themanupstairschosemetoholdherhandthroughit,andIwasdamnwellgoingtodo
myjob.

“Mrs.Ballsworthy,doyouhaveanyfamilyIcancall?”
Shewasstillhavingtroublespeakingbutmanagedtosay,“My…daughter.”
“Canyoutellmehernumber?”
Sheslowlythrewoutthedigitsinbetweenbreaths,andIdialedasshespoke.
Awomanpickedup.“Hi,mynameisNinaKennedy.IsthisMrs.Ballsworthy’sdaughter?
“Yes,”thewomananswered.
“I’mherneighbor.Yourmothermaybehavingaheartattack.Sheisokayrightnow,butwearein

theambulanceheadedtotheBrooklynHospitalCenter.”

Thewomansaidshe’dbefollowingusthererightawayandhungup.
Whenwegotthehospital,theyrushedherintothebackandaskedmetostayinthewaitingarea.I

discoveredhernamewasLaurice.

Abeautifulwomanwithcaramelcoloredskinandlongthinlywovenbraidsrushedintothe

waitingarea,andIstoodup.“AreyouLaurice’sdaughter?”

“Yes.Whereismymother?”
“Theyjusttookherinandwouldn’tletmegoback.Theytoldmetohaveyouwaithereandthata

doctorwouldbeoutwithanupdate.”

Shecoveredhermouthinshock,pacingthefloor.“Isshegoingtobeokay?”
“Ithinkso.Shewascoherentandbreathing.”
“Howdidyoufindher?”
“Iliveupstairs.Iwasgoingoutforajogandheardheryellingforhelp.”
“OhmyGod,”shesaidthensurprisedmewhenshepulledmeinforahug.“Youmayhavesaved

herlife.”

“Anyonewouldhavedonethesamething.”
“Thankyouforbeingsodiligent.”Sheheldoutherhand.“I’mDaria.”
“Nina.Nicetomeetyou.”
Severalminuteslater,anursehadcomeouttotellusthatMrs.Ballsworthywasstablebutgoing

intotheoperatingroom.IinsistedonstayingwithDariauntilhermotherwasoutofsurgery.IknewI
wouldn’thavewantedtobealoneinthissituation.

Adoctorcameoutaboutanhourandahalflater,andwebothstoodup.“Hi,I’mDr.Tuscano.

Who’sthedaughter?

Dariaraisedherhand.“Iam.”
“Yourmotherisgoingtobefine.Shehadacloggedarterythatcausedamildtomoderateheart

attack.Weperformedanangioplastyimmediatelyandputinastenttokeepthearteryopen.Youarevery
luckythatshewasfoundwhenshewas,becausetheriskofdamagetotheheartrisessignificantlyifleft
untreatedformorethanninetyminutes.Inyourmother’scase,Ithinkwegotherintimeforeverythingto
beokay.”

“WhencanIseeher?”sheasked.
“Someonewillbeoutinabouttwentyminutestoletyouknowwhenyoucangoin.Sheisstable

rightnowintherecoveryarea.”

“Thankyou,doctor.Thankyousomuch.”
AlookofimmensereliefappearedonDaria’sface,andwehuggedeachother.
“Nina,youdidsavemymother’slife.”
“IamjustgladIwasthere.”
Wesatbackdownandsheglancedtothesideatme.“Hadyouknownmymotherbeforethis?”
“YoucouldsayIhadmether,butdidn’treallyknowher.”
“Didsheeversayanythinginappropriatetoyoubyanychance?”
Ididn’tknowifIshouldtellherthetruthunderthecircumstances,buttherewasonlyoneanswer.

“Shetoldme…togofuckmyself…multipletimes.”

Darialookeddownatthegroundandshookherhead.“Iamso,sosorry.Ineedtoexplainher

behavior.”

“It’sokay.Iknewitwasnothingpersonal.Shedoesittoallofmyroommatesandsomeofthe

neighbors.Why,though?”

“Mymotherhashadtheseepisodesforthepasttenyears.Oneminute,she’sfineandthenext,

she’sswearingateveryone.It’ssomesortofpost-traumaticreaction.Itstartedaftermyfatherwaskilled.
Hewaswalkinghomefromworklateatnight,andhewasrobbedandshottodeath.Theycaughttheguys.
That’salongstoryinitself…butthatday,myparentshadgottenintoaterriblefight.Thelastthingshe
saidtohimfromthewindowasheleftwas‘Gofuckyourself.’Ninehourslater,thecopshadwokenusup
tosaymyfatherhadbeenmurdered.”

Holycrap.
“I’msosorry,Daria.”
“Theseepisodesdidn’tappearrightaway,butovertheyears,shestarteddevelopingflashbacks,

andit’smadeheractoutsometimes.Sheneverforgaveherselfforthewaythingswereleftbetweenthem.
Theseswearingepisodesseemtobesomesortofstrangecopingmechanism.Sheistrulyagoodwoman
anddoesn’tmeananythingbyit.It’sjustaverystrangereactiontoadevastatingevent.So,onbehalfof
mymother,Iapologize.”

Iplacedmyhandonherback.“Youdidn’thaveto,butthankyouforexplainingittome.”
Lessonlearned.Peoplearenotalwayswhattheyseemonthesurface.

***

IstayedwithDariauntilshewasabletoseehermother.Wemadeplanstogotolunchsoon,since

sheinsistedonitasathankyou.

AsIwaswalkingdownthehospitalcorridortoleave,Igotstuckinamazeofhallways.Eachtime

Iwouldturnacorner,I’dfindmyselflostagain.

Afteraboutfiveminutesofhittingdeadends,Ihappenedtostoptocatchmybearingsinfrontof

oneofthepatientrooms.Ayoungteenagegirlwhohadlostallofherhairwassittingalonestaring
blanklyupatatelevision.

JustasIwasabouttomoveon,thegirlnoticedmestaringandsaid,“Areyouacandystriper?”
“I’msorry?”
“Youknow…acandystriper.They’rethoselamehospitalvolunteers.They’vebeencoming

aroundalotlately.”

“No,no,I’mnot.”
“Good…becausetheysuck.Theycomeinherewiththeirfakesmiles,likeI’msupposedto

believethisisDisneyWorldorsomeshit.”Shepaused.“Ihavecancer,bytheway.”

“Iknow…I…Ifigured—”
“BecauseIlooklikeCaillou?”
“Caillou?”
“AwkwardcartooncharacteronPBS,baldfornogoodreason.”
“Ah.”
“Seriously,whatareyouherefor?Areyouhereforme?”
Ilookedintoherhopefuleyes.“MaybeIam.”
“Good.Becausetoday,Iwanttotalkaboutsex.”
“Excuseme?”
“What’syourname?”
“Nina.”
“Don’tbeapussy,Nina.”
“What?”
“Pardonmylanguage,butIdon’treallyholdbackanymore.Lifeistooshortnottogetthepoint.

Anyway…IsaidIwantedtotalkaboutsex,andfromthewayyou’redressed,youseemlikeyou’dbe
opentothat.Ihavebeenwaitingforsomeonejustlikeyoutoshowup,actually.”Shewavedherhand.
“Getinhere,andclosethedoor.”

Ilookedbehindmyshoulders,thendownatmyselfself-consciouslyandenteredtheroom.WasI

onCandidCamera?Iswear,betweenMrs.Ballsworthyandnowthis,todaydefinitelyfeltlikethe
TwilightZone.

Landingonachairnexttoherbed,Iasked,“Howoldareyouanyway?”
“I’mfifteen.”
“What’syourname?”
“Skylar,”shesaid,shuttingoffthetelevision.
“Whatdoyouwanttoknow,Skylar?
“Ican’ttalkaboutthesethingswithmymother.She’ddie.”
Isighed,gearingupforherquestions.“Okay…”
“Myfirstquestionis…howearlyistooearlytohavesex?”
Ohgoodness.Whyme?
IlaughedtomyselfattheabsurdityofthesituationIhadjustgottenmyselfintothenthoughtabout

howtorespond.“Thereisnotreallyoneanswertothatquestion…butfifteenisdefinitelytooearly.”

“Whatifsomeonemightnotlivetobeoldenough?
Youcouldhaveheardapindrop.Iwasatacompletelossforwords.
Thankfully,shecontinuedbeforeIhadtocomeupwithananswer.“See…there’sthisboy.His

nameisMitch.He’smybestfriendandhasbeensincewewereyoung,buthedoesn’tknowIamactually
inlovewithhim.WeliveinNewJersey,butI’vebeenhereinBrooklynformytreatmentsforthepastfew
monthsbecausemyfatherliveshere,andmydoctorsarebasedhere.So,Imovedtemporarilyandhaven’t
seenhiminawhile.I’mreallyafraidheisgoingtoforgetaboutme.”

“Whywouldyoueverlosehimifhe’strulyyourbestfriend?”
“Idon’tthinkhe’dintentionallystopbeingmyfriend,butalotofgirlsareintohimbecausehe’s

hot.Theydon’tevenknowhimlikeIdo.Theyjustwanttogetapieceandwell,he’saguy,so…”

“Haveyoutoldhimhowyoufeel?”
“Thingsstartedtogetalittleweirdbetweenusrightbeforemydiagnosis.Hewaslookingatme

differently,andIwasstartingtothinksomethingmighthappen.IhavealwaysheldontothisfantasythatI
wouldbehis—youknow—first.Andhewouldbemine.IfI’mnotaround,though,whetherit’sbecauseof
mytreatmentsor…otherwiseandhemeetssomeone,Imaynevergetthechance.EverysecondthatI’m
away,IfeellikeI’mlosinghim.”

Astiffdrinkwouldhavereallycomeinhandyrightaboutnow.
“Doeshecomevisit?”Iasked.
“That’sthething.He’sbeenbeggingmetolethim.Hedoesn’tknowwhichhospitalIamat

becauseIwon’ttellhim.Idon’twanthimtoseemelikethis,butImisshimsomuch…it’skillingme.”
Shereachedovertoherphoneandpulledupaphoto.“That’shim.That’sMitch.”

“He’sreallycute,”Isaidasshehandedittome.Hewas.Withdark,longishhairunderaYankees

capandbigblueeyes,Icouldseewhyshewasfeelinglikethatabouthim.”

Shelookedhopeless.“WhatamIgonnado?”
“Well,Skylar,Iwouldsayawiseoldman,butinreality…awise,pierced,tattooedmanoncetold

me,youcanchoosetostayinthepresentandletgoofthefearoryoucanchoosetoengageit.”

“Hesoundshot.”
“Heis.Thepointis…youareworryingaboutwhatmighthappeninsteadofusingthistimetobe

withthepersonyoucareabout.Hewantstoseeyou.Whatareyouafraidhe’llthink?You’rebeautiful.”
Shewas.Notmanypeoplecanpulloffbald,butshelookedangelic.

“Youwanttoseebeautiful?”Shescrolledthroughherphoneandhandedmeanotherphotoof

Mitchandher.Shehadlongflowingauburnhair,alittlemoremeatonherbonesandcolorinhercheeks,
andthetwoofthemlookedlikeanAbercrombieandFitchad.

“Youweregorgeousthenwithyourhair,andyouaregorgeousnowwithoutit.WhatcanIdoto

makeyouseethat?Youneedtolethimseeyou.”

Sheseemedtobestrugglingwithmysuggestionbuteventuallyshookherheadinagreement.

“Okay,then.I’llneedyourhelp.I’llneedprops.”

“What?”
“Props!FortheSkylarSeymourPretendIDon’tHaveCancerExtremeMakeoverEdition.Ihave

awig,butit’slame.I’llneedareallygoodone,likewithrealhumanhairandhighlightslikeyours.It
needstobeunbeweaveable.AndI’llneedsomemakeupandchickencutlets.”

“Chickencutlets?”
“Thoseboobenhancers.Iwouldn’texpectyoutoknowwhatthoseare,DollyParton.”
Ilookeddownatmybreasts.Shehadapoint.
“Ineedtolookevenbetterthanbefore.”
“EventhoughIthinkyoulookperfectrightnow,Iwilldowhateverittakestomakesureyoufeel

confidentenoughtoseehim.”

BecauseIknowwhatitfeelsliketobecrazyforaguywho’salsoyourbestfriend.
Iputmyhandonherknee.“Givemeafewdays,okay?Myroommateworksinasalondowntown.

Ithinkshecanhookmeupwithsomehumanhair.”

“Good.”
WhathaveIgottenmyselfinto?Whateveritwas,itinvigoratedmeandgavemeasenseof

purpose.Ifitwaspossibletofallinloveatfirstsightwiththisperson,IthinkImighthave.

“Skylar,howoftentodothosecandystrippers…stripers…cometovisityou?”
“They’dbemoreexcitingiftheywerestrippers.Theycomebyacoupleoftimesaweek.”
“Well,I’mgonnatalktosomeoneandfigureouthowtobeyourcandystriperfromnowon.”
“Doyouhaveaboyfriend,Nina?”
“No,butthereissomeonespecialwhoIreallycareabout.He’skindoflikemyMitch.Hisname

isJake.”

“Haveyouscrewedhisbrainsoutyet?”
“Skylar—”
“Well,haveyou?”
“No.”
“Whatareyouwaitingfor?You’reoldenough.”
“Iknowthat.Butthingsarecomplicated.We’resupposedtotalksoon,so…”
WhywasIgettingintothis?
Shesatupeagerly.“Willyoutextmeifsomethinghappens?”
“I…Iguess.”
“Good.”Shegrabbedmyphoneandprogrammedhernumberintoit.
IstaredathersmoothheadandherbeamingeyesthatIhadjustputaglimmerofhopebackinto

andrealizedIhadn’tbeenlostatallearlier.SomethinghadledmetoexactlywhereIwassupposedto
endup.Ijustcouldn’tfigureoutwhowasmeantforwhom.

CHAPTER17

Thenextday,SundayJanuary8

wasmytwenty-thirdbirthday,butIhadn’ttoldanyone,noteven

Jake.Ryanknewwhenmybirthdaywassomewhereinthebackofhishead.Hecertainlyhadn’tgivenme
anyindicationthatherememberedthisyear.So,therewouldbenofanfare.Iwasplanningonaquietday
(afteryesterday’sevents),tryingtogetallofmyducksinarowpriortoJake’sreturnfromBoston.He
saidhewouldbecominginreallylatetonightandthatwewouldbegoingouttomorrowandhavingthat
“talk.”Mystomachwasinknots.Ithadbeentwoweekssincewehadseeneachother.Imissedhim
somethingfierce.

Ihadarrivedhomeafteranearlyafternoonruntofindalargegift-wrappedboxsittingonmybed.

Iopenedthesmallnotecard.Ifyouthoughtweweregoingtoforgetyourbirthday,thinkagain.Dinner.
Tonight.7pm.Eleni’s.DrinksareonTelly.DrunkGreekCircleDancing.WearYourPartyDress.Love,
TarahandRyan

Iclutchedthecardtomychestandgiggled,secretlyhappytheyfigureditout.Iimmediately

unwrappedthepurplepaisleywrappingpaper.Insidethebox,wasabeautifulstrapless,redminidress.
TarahandIhadgoneshoppingafewweeksago,andIhadtriedthisexactdressonbutdecidedIcouldn’t
affordit.

“You’regonnalooksosexyinthat,birthdaygirl.”
Iturnedaround,andshewasstandinginthedoorway.
“Thankyousomuch,butIcan’tbelieveyouspentthatkindofmoneyonme.”
Tarahwalkedintotheroomandhuggedme.“Itwasnothing.Imadesomegoodtipsyesterday.You

canmakeituptomebylettingmemakeyouoveragaintonight.”

“Whywouldyougothroughthetrouble?It’sjustEleni’s.”
“It’snotjustEleni’s.It’syourbirthdayandopenbarforus.Youneverknow,youmightmeetsome

hotGreekdownthere,namedTasoorChristos.”

“Andwe’llflyawayandlivehappilyeverafterinMykonos.”
“See,nowyou’retalking!”
“Wearingmybikini,sippin’amartiniinSantorini.”IwiggledmyhipsasIsaiditandcracked

myselfup.

“That’smygirl!Butseriously,trustme,you’regoingtowanttolookgoodtonight.I’vegotthis

ideaforyourhair.”

“Speakingofhair,how’sthathumanhairwigsearchgoing?”
“Oh!Imeanttotellyou,Ifoundtheperfectone.Itmatchesthatpictureyousentmeofherwiththe

hottieguy.”

SkylarhadtextedmethepictureofherandherfriendMitch,sothatIcoulduseittofindawigthat

matchedheroriginalhair.

“Youdorealizehe’sfifteen…”Isaid.
Sheshruggedhershoulders.“Yeah,whatever.Anyway,it’sbeautiful,long,auburn,justlikeinthe

photo.Itshouldbedeliveredtothesalonsometimeinthenextweek.”

Icouldn’twaittotellSkylarwhenIwenttovisitherthisWednesday.

***

Tarahhadreallyoutdoneherself.Iworemyhairdownandshecreatedtwothinbraids,whichshe

tiedbackoverthetop.ItwasveryRoman.Formakeup,sheinsistedIwearredlipsticktomatchmydress.

AsIslippedintothestraplessfrock,IreceivedatextfromSkylar.

Haveyoutappedthatyet?

Ishookmyhead.Thatgirlwassexcrazy.I’dtextherbacklater.
Ryanpeekedhisheadintomyroom.“Almostready?”
“Yeah…justgivemeasecond.”
Hestoodinthedoorway.“Tarahhadtoruntothedrugstore.Sheisgonnameetusdownstairs.By

theway,afriendofminefromworkisgoingtojoinusfordinner.HisnameisMichaelHunt.Ithinkyou’ll
likehim.”

“Whatdoyoumean…youthinkI’lllikehim?”
“Imean,he’sgoodlooking,singleandItoldhimaboutyou.”
Shit.Shit.Shit.
ThisiswhyTarahwantedtodressmeup.Thiswasasetup!
“Pleasetellmeyoudidn’tplanthisbirthdaydinnerasasetup.”
“No,it’snotlikethat.It’smorelikeIplannedthissetupasabirthdaydinner.”
“Ryan!”
“Comeon,Troll.Youhaven’tbeenononedecentdatesincethatpreppyguy,andIreallythink

you’llgetalongwithMichael.”

ItwasevidentthatRyanhadnoclueaboutmyfeelingsforJakeandTarahhadkeptherwordabout

notspillingtohim.Icouldn’tblamehimfortrying.Anyway,itwastoolatenow.I’dhavetomakethebest
ofit.

Ishrugged.“Okay,butpleasedon’texpectanythingtocomeoutofthis.It’sjustafriendlydinner.”
“Ofcourse.Relax.”
WhenwemadeourwayintoEleni’s,Tellygreetedusatthedoor.“There’sthebirthdaygirl!”he

shouted.

“Hi,Telly.Thanksfortheopenbartonight,”Isaid.
“Anythingformybestcustomers.”
RyanandIhadjustsatdownwhenhewavedovertoatallleanguywithshortreddishhairwho

walkedinthefrontdoorandmadehiswayovertoourtable.

Ryanstoodup,andtheyclaspedhands.“Hey,Michael.Gladyoucouldmakeit.”Heturnedtome.

“Nina,thisisMichaelHunt.Michael,thisisNinaKennedy.”

“Pleasuretomeetyou,Nina.”Hesmiledandreachedhishandout.
“Samehere.”
Therewasnothingwrongwithhim.Hewascuteenough,niceenough,butIknewimmediatelythis

wouldn’tgoanywhere.

“So,Ryan’stoldmealotaboutyou.Hesaidyouguysarelikebrotherandsister.”
“Weare.”
MaybeifIboredhimtodeath,hewouldjustleave.
Ryanwavedatthedooragain,andIturnedaroundtoseeTarahclickingherheelstowardour

table.

“SorryI’mlate.Ihadtogetmoney.”Shebentdowntokissmeonthecheekthenlookedat

MichaelandRyan.“Andwho’sthis?”

Wasshereallyplayingdumb?
“Thisismyco-workerMichael.Michael,thisismygirlfriend,Tarah.”
“Nicetomeetyou,Michael.”
“Likewise,”Michaelsaidgettingupandextendinghishand.
TarahsquintedhereyesatRyan.Iwonderedwhy.Hadshenotknownaboutthis?
ThefourofussatthereliketheperfectdoubledatewhenDesireeapproachedourtablelooking

smug.“Higuys.What’llitbe?”

Weplacedourdrinkorders,andasshetookthedrinkmenusaway,shelookedatRyan.“NoJake

tonight?”

Iwantedtothrowup.
Ryanshookhishead.“He’sinBoston.”
“Toobad,”Desireesaid.
Goaway.Shoo!
Shewalkedaway,andIcouldbreatheagain.Michaelstartedmakingsmalltalkwithme,andI

wentalongwithit.LikeIsaid,therewasnothingwrongwithhim.Iwasgoingtohavetogetthroughthis
casualdatewhetherIlikeditornot.

WhenRyanstartedaconversationwithMichaelaboutwork,IwhisperedtoTarah.“So,nowI

knowwhyyoutriedtogetmealldolledup.Nicetrybutnocigar.”

Shesighed.“Nina…Iknewnothingaboutthis.”
“Liar,”Iwhispered.
Shelookedoverattheguysasiftomakesuretheyweren’tlistening.“Ididwantyoutoget

dressedupforaguytonight…butitwasn’tforthisone.Itwasfor—”

“Jake!”Ryanshouted.
IturnedaroundtoseeJakewalkingtowardourtable.Itfeltlikemyheartstartedbeatingagain

afteratwoweekhiatus.Hewasdressedup,wearingasexynavybuttondownshirtrolledupatthe
sleevesanddarkjeans.Hishairwasslightlywet.Helookedsoincrediblyhot.IfeltlikeIwasgoingto
crawloutofmyskin.

Hewaslookingstraightatmewhenheapproachedandsaid,“SorryI’mlate.Happybirthday,

Nina.”Iflinchedwhenhemovedinandkissedmeonthecheek,thescentofhiscolognenowpermanently
invadingmysenses.Then,hiseyesdartedovertoMichaelandRyanacrossthetable.Hetooknoticeof
theseatingarrangement:RyanacrossfromTarahandMichaelacrossfromme.Therewasanawkward
silence.

IlookedoveratJakewhowasnowgivingthemadirtylook.Hehadfiguredoutwhathehad

walkedinon.

Ryanspokefirst.“Thisisourroommate,Jake.Jake,thisisMichaelHunt,myco-worker.”
Jakereachedouthishand.“Mike,isit?MikeHunt?”Jakehadadeviouslookonhisface,andI

knewimmediatelywhathewasdoing.

MikeHunt.Mycunt.
Noonesaidanything.Then,theshitshowcontinuedwhenDesireewalkedoverwithourdrinks.

“Jakey…thereyouare.IthoughttheysaidyouwereinBoston.”

“Funnyyoushouldpointthatout,Des.TarahhadtoldmeitwasNina’sbirthdaydinner,soIcame

homeearlytosurpriseher.”Helookedatme.“Turnsout,Iwastheonesurprised.”

Oh…God.DidhethinkIplannedthisdate?
Hehandedherhisdrinkmenu.“I’lltakeavodkastraight,Des.”
Ihatedthathecalledher“Des”andwantedtoripmyhairout.
“Yougotit,”shesaid,battingherlashesflirtatiouslybeforetrottingaway.

Tarahstoodup.“Jake,thereissomethingupstairsIforgottoshowyou.It’sbroken,andIdon’t

wanttoforgettotellyouaboutit.Doyoumind…beforeweorderourfood?”

Heraisedaneyebrowatherandglancedoveratme.Helookedupset,andIwantedtoscreamout

infrustration.Then,hegotupandfollowedheroutthedoor.

Tryingtoregainsomesemblanceofcomposure,ImadesmalltalkwithMichaelandsippedmy

whitewine,whichIreallyhopedstartedtokickinsoon.Hestartedaskingmeaboutmynursing
aspirations.WhileIwasansweringhisquestions,allIcouldfocusonwaswhatJakeandTarahwere
discussingupstairs.

Whentheyreturnedtotherestaurant,Jakesatbackdownnexttomeanddownedthevodkathat

Desireehadbroughtforhim,smackingtheemptyglassdownonthetable.Helookedoveratmeand
crackedasmile.Therewasnolongeranyangerlingeringinhisbeautifulgreeneyes.

Afterweorderedourfood,Michaelcontinuedaskingmequestionsinanefforttogettoknowme.

IstumbledonmywordswhenJake’swarmhandsuddenlyslippedunderthetableandontomybarethigh.
Mybreathhitched,andIfrozeashishandmovedundermydress.Histhumbgrazedtheedgeofmybikini
line.Then,hesqueezedmythighandslidhishandforcefullydownthelengthofit.Myskinburnedfrom
thefrictionofhistouch.Hewasstakinghisclaimandmybodywasgettingthemessageloudandclear.I
waswetandsoturnedonthatitfeltlikeIwasabouttogoinsane.

Thankfully,RyanhadstartedadifferenttopicofconversationwithMichael,soInolongerhadto

usewhatlittlebrainjuiceIhadlefttoformulatesentences.IbitmybottomlipandlookedoveratJake
whowasslidinghistongueringbetweenhisteeth,lookingfrustratedagain,almostangry.

Hepulledhishandawayfrommylegandgotupfromthetable.Iassumedhewasgoingtothe

bathroomuntilmyphonebuzzed.

Meetmeinthehallway.

Therewasasidedoorthatledtothestaircaseleadinguptoourapartment.Iassumedthatwas

whathemeant.MyheartpalpitatedasIexcusedmyselffromthetable“togotothebathroom.”WhenI
openedthedoor,hewasstandinginthestairwellwithhishandsinhispockets,looking
uncharacteristicallyshy.

“Hi,”Isaid.
“Hi.”Aslowsmilespreadacrosshisface.Thosedimples.
Itwasasifwewereactuallygreetingeachotherforthefirsttimetonightandeverythingthat

happenedupuntilnowdidn’tcount.

“What’sgoingon?”Iasked.
Heexhaled.“Thatguywaslookingatyoulikehewantedtoripyourdressoffwithhisteeth.Ihad

togetoutoftherebeforeIkilledhimwithmybarehands.”

“Whywouldthatbotheryou?”Iteased.
“Youknowwhy.”
Myheartbeatfasterashewalkedtowardmeuntilhewasjustinchesfrommyface.“Whydidn’t

youtellmeitwasyourbirthday?”

“Ifiguredyou’dbeawayanyway,soIjustnevermentionedit.”
“Iwouldnevermissyourbirthday.Never.Youunderestimatedhowimportantyouaretome,

Nina.”

“Iamsorry.”
“Youshouldhavetoldme.TarahcalledmeFridaywhenIwasalreadyinBoston,soIdecidedto

surpriseyoutonight.”

“You’resneaky,”Isaid.

“You’refuckinggorgeous.”
Hiseyesclosedsuddenlyafterhesaidit,likemaybeheregrettedcomingonstrongorwasstill

strugglingwithhisfeelings.Thenagain,hishandwasupmydressoutthere.

Mybodywashummingbetweenthewordscomingoutofhismouthandthesmellofhiscologne

mixedwithvodkascentingme.Ihadneverwantedtokisshimmorethanthismoment.“Thankyou.You’re
notsobadyourself,”Isaid,tuggingplayfullyonthematerialofhisshirtbutreallywantingtotearitoffof
him.ItfeltlikeIwaslosingcontrolfast.

“Tarahexplainedaboutwhat’shisnameinthere.Shedidn’tknowhewasgoingtobeherewhen

sheinvitedme.ShetoldmeRyanambushedyou.”

Icouldn’thelpbutask,“WhatifIwereonadate?”
“Iguessifhemadeyouhappy,I’dbeokaywithit.”
“Isee.”
“Thatwasalie.”
“Oh.”
“Iwouldn’tbeokaywithit.Fuck…Imissedyou.”Thedepthoftheemotioninhisvoiceresonated

throughoutmyentirebody.Then,heputhishandonmywaistandsqueezedmyside.

Iclosedmyeyesforabriefsecondwhenhegrabbedmyhandandkissedit.Itwasn’tthekindof

kissIyearnedfor,butthetouchofhiswetlipsonmyskinnearlyputmeovertheedge.Ialmostwrapped
myarmsaroundhimbutrefrained.“Imissedyou,too.”

“Goonadatewithme.”
“What?”
“Spendtherestofyourbirthdaywithmetonight.Let’sgetoutofhererightnow,gosomewhere,

anywhere.Ijustwanttobealonewithyou.Ican’tsaywhatIwant…dowhatIwant…inthishallway.”

Shiversrandownmyspine.“Howarewegoingtomanagethat?”Ibreathed.
Hegavemeamischievoussmile.“We’llgobacktothetable.I’llmakeupastoryandleavefirst.

Then,I’llcallyourphonefromoutside,andyoucanpretendit’ssomekindofemergency.”

“Ican’tworryTarahlikethat.”
“Itwasheridea,Nina.”
Oh.
“Okay…okay.”Ismiled.
Hewinked.“Let’sgo.”
Istartedwalkingbackintotherestaurantthenturnedbackaroundtowardhim.“I’mjustgoingto

gothebathroomfirst,whileyougotothetableandtellthemyou’releaving.Then,I’lltextyouwhenI’m
outsoyou’llknowtocallmyphoneinlikefiveminutes.”

Heputhishandonmyfaceandleanedin.Icouldfeelhisbreathwhenhesaid,“Ilovesneaking

aroundwithyou.”

Igotgoosebumps,andmybodywasonfireasImademywaybackintothecrowdedrestaurant

andwalkedtothebathroomoncloudnine.

Therewasnodoubthewasgoingtokissmetonight.
AfterIpeedandexitedthestall,Desireewalkedin.Talkaboutabuzzkill.Shedidn’tactually

havetousethebathroomapparently,becauseshejuststoodnearthesinkwithherarmscrossed.Isoon
realizedthatshehadcomeintoconfrontme.

“Nina…right?”
“Yeah.”
“IsawyousneakouttothehallwaywithJake.Ikindoffiguredsomethingwasgoingonbetween

youtwo.Anyway,Icameinheretomakesureyouknew,thatdespitewhathemightbesayingtoyou,he’s
nottheboyfriendtype.Hejustisn’t.Imean,don’tgetmewrong—hewasthebestfuckIeverhad—buthe

madehisintentionsveryclear.Itwouldneverbemorethanjustsex.Iseethestarsinyoureyeswhenyou
lookathim,soIthoughtIwouldsaveyousometimeandheartache.”

Istoodtherefrozenagainstthehanddryeranddidn’tevenflinchwhenitturnedonafterI

accidentallypushedintoit.Iwasn’tsureexactlywhentheroomstartedspinning.Wasitwhenshefinished
hermonologueorwasitwhenIlookeddownandsawthelargepurplerosetattooonherankle?Itwasthe
sametattooIsawonthegirlleavingJake’sroomthedayImovedin.

IhadbeenlisteningtoJakehavingsexwithDesireethatday.
Shejuststoodthereeatingupmyshockwithasatisfiedexpression.
Don’tcry.
Don’tcry.
Don’tcry.
Istartedtocry.
ShouldIgobackintothestallandthrowupthereorseeifIcanmakeitupstairs?Iburstthrough

thebathroomdoorandtextedJake.

YoufuckedDesiree???

WhenIreenteredthediningroom,hewasjustgettingupfromthetablewhenIsawhimlookdown

athisphone.Themomenthenoticedthetext,helookedupintomytearfuleyes.

Hisvoiceshook.“Nina…”
HelookedterrifiedasIranpasthimandweavedthroughtablestotherestaurantexit.
AsIwasalmostoutthedoor,IcouldhearhiminthedistanceshoutingatDesiree,“Whatthefuck

didyousaytoher?”

CHAPTER18

IwantedtorunasfarawayfromtherestaurantandfromhimasIcould.Ifitweren’tstartingto

snowheavilyoutside,Imighthave.

EverythingwasfoggyasImademywayupthestairwellinahaze.Myheartwasbeatingfaster

thanIeverremembered,astheworstkindofjealousy-inducedrageconsumedme.

Icouldn’tbelieveit.
Hehaddoneeverythinginhispowertostopthingsfrombecomingsexualbetweenus.He

wouldn’tgivehimselftome,yetheverywillinglygavehimselftothatwhore.

Ihatedhim.
Ilovedhim.
IhadplannedtopourmysoulouttohimtonightandalmosttoldhimhowIfeltmomentsagointhat

hallway.Howstupidofmetothinkthathisfeelingsformewereequallyasstrong.Ontopofthat,he
treatedDesireelikehebarelyknewherinfrontofme.Apparently,womenwereadimeadozentohim.

Withoutthinking,Ibegantopacksomeofmybelongingsintoaduffelbag:underwear,bra,

pajamasandanextrashirt.IhadnoideawhereIwasgoingorwhatIwasgoingtodo,butIknewI
neededtobefarawayfromthisapartmenttonight.Icouldn’tevenlookathimrightnow,letalonesleep
here.

AsIbegantorunoutofmyroomwiththebaginhand,thefrontdoorflewopen.Jakewaspanting,

andhiseyeswerefranticashestormedtowardme.“Nina,please…talktome.Please,”hesaidhoarsely.

Iclutchedthebagtomychest,usingitasabarrierbetweenus.“Stayawayfromme.Ihave

nothing…nothing…tosaytoyou.”

Hekepthisdistance,backingawaybutstoodinfrontofthedoor,blockingit.Hisvoicewaslow

andhisbreathingrapidasheheldouthishandsinprotest.“Youhavetoletmeexplain.”

“Explain!Youwantmetostandhereandlistentoyouexplainhowyoufuckedthatwhoreso

easilywhileyouputmyfeelingsthroughthewringerformonths,confusingmeandsendingmemixed
messages?Youhadnoproblem‘makinghercomeuntilshescreamed’…didyou?Andbelieveme,itwas
adoozy.Ihearditformyself.”

Hesteppedbackinshockandgavemeabelligerentlook.Thewindhowledoutside,butthatwas

allyoucouldhearintheroomuntilheshookhisheadandasked,“Fuck…what?Whatareyoutalking
about?”

Iwasabouttocrybutmanagedtoholditin.“That’sright.ThedayImovedin.Youwerefucking

herinyourroom.Rememberthatday?Well,Iwashereunpacking.IthoughtIwasaloneanddidn’trealize
whatwasgoingonuntilitwastoolate.Iheardeverything,Jake…everything.”Ateardropescapedand
felldownmycheekasIrecalledhidinginmyroom,blissfullyunawarethatIwaslisteningtothemanI’d
eventuallyfallinlovewith,screwinganotherwoman.

Hisbreathingintensifiedasheranhishandthroughhishair,closedhiseyesandlookeddownat

thefloor,computingwhatIhadjustrevealed.Hesaidnothingforseveralseconds.Then,hefinally
whisperedunderhisbreath.“OhmyGod.”Heslowlyapproachedme.“Iamsosorry,”hesaid,hisvoice
quivering.

“Ifyou’llexcuseme,pleasegetoutofmyway.Ineedtofindsomewhereelsetostaytonight,”I

saidtryingtopasshimagain.

“You’renotgoinganywhere.Notuntilyouhearmeout.”
“Itoldyou.Ihavenothingtosaytoyou.”
HeblockedmeasIattemptedtogettothedoorandwouldn’tletmeby.Mybodyreactedinstantly

whenheheldouthishandsandplacedthemfirmlyonmyarms.“I’llleavetonight,butI’mnotgoing
anywhereuntilyouletmeexplain.Doyouhearme?”

Ilookeddown,stillclutchingmybagandfeltoneofhishandsleavemyshouldersandtouchmy

chin,pullingmyfaceinlinewithhis.“Lookatme,”hewhispered.

Eventhoughmyfacewasturnedtowardhis,myeyeswerefacingthefloor.
Hisvoicewasdeeperandmoreinsistentwhenherepeated.“Look…atme.”
WhenIdid,hefinallyspoke.Hiseyeswereglisteningwithafieryintensity,andhedidn’ttake

themoffofmeforasecond.“IsleptwithDesiree…twice.ThefirsttimewasaboutaweekbeforeImet
you;thesecondandlasttimewasthedayyoumovedin.Iamnotproudofit,butitwasjustsex.Iknow
thatsoundsreallybad.It’sthetruth,though.Shedoesn’tmeananythingtome,andwehadaclear
understandingbeforehandthatitwouldn’tgoanyfurtherthanthat,whichwaswhyIagreedtoit.”

“Isee.So,you’realsoawhorewhowantsnothingmorethansexfromawoman,somuchsoyou

agreetothatstipulationbeforehand?Well,youwouldhavegottenexactlywhatyouwantedthatnightin
yourroomfromme,butyoudidn’teventry.Clearly,itwasn’tmethatyouwanteditfrom.”

Hesaidnothinginresponse,justgrabbedmybagandthrewitdownontheground.Then,hetook

myhandandledmeforcefullydownthehall.Ihatedthefactthatmybodysoeasilysubmittedtohim
whilemymindresisted.

“Whatareyoudoing?”Iasked.
“Wecan’thavetheconversationwe’reabouttohaveinthemiddleofthelivingroomincasethey

comebackupstairs.”

MyheartrateacceleratedbecauseIdidn’trealizetherewasgoingtobea“conversation.”
Jakeledmeinsidemybedroomandclosedthedoor,turningonthesmalllampforsomelight.
Webothstoodfacingeachother,andIcrossedmyarmsasaprotectivemechanismwhenhe

walkedtowardmeandbackedmegentlyagainstthewall.

Icouldfeelhisbreathonmyface.“YouthinkIdon’twantyou?”
Ishookmyheadno,butdidn’trespond.
“ThatthingwithDesiree…wasahugemistake.IfIhadevenknownyouexistedandthatitwould

comebacktohauntmeandmoreimportantly,hurtyou…itneverwouldhavehappened.Never.Doyou
understandme?”

IhadbeenlookingathimbutsuddenlylookeddownbecausethethoughtofhimandDesireemade

mesick.Icontinuedtoremainsilent.

“Youneedtobelieveme.Ihaven’tsomuchasthoughtaboutanotherwomanthatwaysincetheday

youwalkedinthedoor.”HestoppedtalkinguntilIlookedupathimagain.“BeforeImetyou,Ihadonly
beengoingthroughthemotionsoflife.Ihadn’treallyfelt…anything…forareallylongtime.”

Ilookedup.Hiseyeswerepassionateandsincerewhenhesaid,“Myhearthasn’tbeatthesame

sinceIlaideyesonyou,Nina.Eversincethatday,myentirelifehasbeenaboutdoingeverythinginmy
powernottowantyoulikethis…becauseIdon’twanttodragyouintomyfuckeduplife.”Hisvoice
cracked.“ButdespitedoingwhatIthoughtwasright,Iwantyoumoreeveryday,morethanIfuckingwant
tobreathe.”

Mychesttighteneduponhearingthosewords,whichunraveledme.Despitetheshockoffinding

outaboutDesiree,Ibelievedhim.Hehadalwaysgivenmehisfullattention,andIneveroncesawhim
withanyoneelsesincethedayImovedin.

Heplacedonearmoneachsideofme,lockingmeinagainstthewall.Iwaslosingmybreathbut

stayedsilentashewhispered,“Ihavebeentryingsohardtostayawayfromyou…becausewithyou…it

wouldbesomuchmorethansex.Iwouldneedtobeallinbecauseyoudeserveallofme,andthereis
somethingIhaven’thadthenervetotellyou.Idon’tknowifyou’llunderstandit.”Hisvoicetrembled.
“I’msofuckingscaredbecauseIdon’twanttoloseyou.Ihaveneverfeltthiswayaboutanyonebefore…
notinmyentirelife.”

Mythroatclosedup,andIstillcouldn’tspeak.
NeitherhaveI.Iloveyousomuch.Idon’tcarewhatitisbecauseIdon’tthinkIcouldlive

withoutyou.

WordscouldnotdojusticetowhatIwasfeelinginsideforhimrightnow.
Hemovedhisfaceclosertomine.“You’rethefirstthingIthinkaboutinthemorningandthelast

thingIthinkaboutatnight.Andthen,youinvademythoughtsanddreamsinbetween.Ihavetriedsohard
tostopthesefeelings.IhaveputupasmanybarriersasIcouldstandto,buttheyarecrumblingdown.I
can’tdoitanymore.”Heplacedhismouthonmewhisperingintomyneckhuskily,“Ican’tdoit
anymore…Ican’tdoitanymore…Ican’tdoitanymore.”Hishandsmovedslowlydownmysides
grippingmyhips,andhislipsmovedoverminewhenhesaid,“I’vecomeundone.”

Hegrabbedmyfaceandstartledmewhenarushofwetheatmetmystarvingmouth.Myentire

bodywentlimptheexactmomenthislipsfinallyswallowedminewhole.Heopenedandclosedhis
mouthslowlyovermine,beforenudgingmylipsopenimpatiently.Itastedthemetalofhistonguering,a
littlevodkaandthesweetnessofhisbreath.Thefeelofthecoldmetal,mixedwiththeheatofhistongue
circlingminemademeinstantlywetandweakintheknees.Ifeltlikearagdollinhisarms.

Hekissedmevigorouslyandgrippedmysidesharderashepulledatmydress.Itmighthaveeven

ripped,butIwastoowrappedupinhimtonotice.Igrabbedthebackofhishead,runningthetipsofmy
fingersupanddownhishair,noticingitwasslightlycoarse.IpulledhisfaceintomeharderbecauseI
couldn’tgetenoughofhismouthonmine.Hegroaned,andthesoundresonatedthroughmybody.Ipulled
himfurtherintomeandthat’swhenIfelthimrockhardagainstmystomach.Icouldfeeltheheatofhis
erectionthroughhisjeansandbegantorubagainstit,causinghisbreathingtobecomeevenmoreshallow.

AneedsostrongdevelopedinmethatIthoughtImightdieifIcouldn’thavehiminsideofme.My

bodyachedindesperationwhenhepushedback,movinghishandsawayfrommywaistthencuppedmy
cheeks.“Ineedtotellyousomething,Nina.Weneedtohavethattalknow.”

Elationquicklyturnedtofear,becauseIwasmoreterrifiedofwhathehadtotellmenextthanI

hadeverbeenofanything.Iknewwhateveritwascouldneverchangemyfeelingsforhim,butitmight
stealthismomentthatIwillnevergetbackagain.Iwasn’treadytohearit.Ipanicked.Ijustneededhim
tonight.Justhim…nothisskeletonsorwhateveritwashethoughtIwouldn’taccept.Hewaswrong
anyway.IlovedhimandknewIwouldtakewhatevercamewithhim,nomatterwhatitwas.Iwantedto
knoweverything,justnottonight.Mybodycouldn’ttakeit,andmydesireforhimdrownedoutalllogical
thinking.

Ispokeforthefirsttimesincebeforewekissed.“Idon’tcareaboutyourpastorwhat’sgoingon

inBoston.Please…I’mbeggingyou.Let’snotdothisnow.Don’tsayanythingtonight.We’llhavethetalk
tomorrow,likeweweresupposedto.WhatIneedrightnowmorethanIhaveeverneededanythingisfor
youtomakelovetome,Jake.”

Heclosedhiseyes,letoutalongdeepbreath,andhishandswereshakingasheheldmyface.

“YouhavenoideahowbadlyIneedtobeinsideofyourightnow.”

“Please…Idon’twanttohavethetalktonight,okay?”
Hecaressedmymouthwithhisthumb.“Nina,eitherwehavethistalknow,oryouaregoingto

havetomakemeablindpromise.”

“Okay…”
Mylipsquivered,andheplacedhisforeheadonmine.Whenhesawatearfalldownmycheek,he

lickeditawayslowlyandwhisperedagainstmyface.“Ineedyoutopromiseme…thatyouwon’tleave

me.”Inodded,andhegrabbedmychin.“Makesureyoumeanthat.BecauseIcan’tmakelovetoyouthe
wayIwanttotonight,onlytoloseyouthenextday.Itwillfuckingdestroyme.Ineedtoknowyouwillbe
mine,nomatterwhatIthrowatyou.Promiseme.”

“I’myours.Ihaveneverbelongedtoanyonebefore…butIknowthatIbelongtoyou,”Isaidinto

hischest.

“Lookatmeandsayit.”
Ilookedupintohiseyesoncommand.“I’myours.Thereisnothingthatcouldmakemeleaveyou,

becauseIdon’tthinkIcouldlivewithoutyou.”

Hiseyeballsmovedbackandforthinafastmotionashelookedintomyeyes.Heseemedtobe

searchingthemforsincerity.Finally,hepulledmeintohimandheldme,pressinghisbodyhardagainst
mine.“Well,that’sgood,becauseIwasn’tlivingbeforeyou.”

Hejustheldmeforwhatseemedlikeseveralminutes.Itstillfeltlikehewashesitant.He

probablydidn’trealizehowbadlyIneededhim.So,Idecidedtospeakinalanguagehecouldunderstand.
“Ineedyoutofuckme,Jake.”

Ijustwasn’texpectinghimtoburstintolaughteragainstmyshoulderwhenIsaidit,though.
Ismackedhisarm.“Whyareyoulaughing?”
Hekissedmyneck.“Saythatagain.”
“Iwantyoutofuckme.”
Helookedatme,smilingandkissedmyforehead.“See,onlyyouwouldsaysomethingsodirty

andturnredasabeet.”

“Dirtytalkisnewforme,”Isaid,lookingdownatthegroundandbitingmyliptostiflemyown

laughter.

Hegrabbedmychintolookatme.“Iknowitis.You’resofuckingadorable…sosweetand

innocent.Ilovethataboutyou.Itturnsmeonlikeyoucan’timagine.Ifullyintendtofuckyoutonight,
baby.Then,I’mgoingtomakelovetoyou.ButnotbeforeIfeastonyou.”

Hewasn’tlaughinganymorewhenheletgoofmeandwalkedoutoftheroom.Igulpedinnervous

anticipation,breathingasighofreliefwhenhereturnedwithastripofcondomsandlockedthedoor
behindhim.Theclickingsoundofthelockgavemechills.ItwastheassuranceIneededthatIwasabout
togetwhatIyearnedfor.

Hethrewthecondomsonthenightstandandsatonthebed.Iwasstillstandingupagainstthewall

whereheleftme.IsupposeIwaswaitingforhisdirection.

“Comehere,”hewhispered,gesturingwithhisindexfinger.
Iwalkedovertohim.HestayedseatedasIstoodbeforehimwhilehetracedthecontoursofmy

bodywithhisfingertips,followingthemwithhiseyes.

“Incredible,”hesaidashisfingersmovedovermybreasts.“DoyouknowhowmanynightsI

wouldsitinmyroomdreamingabouttouchingyoulikethiswhileyouwerejustacrossthehall?Every
singlenightsinceImetyou,Iachedforyou.Thisseemssurreal.”Heswallowedandlickedhislips,
whichcausedmybodytostir.

Ineededthoselipsonme.“Kissme,”Iwhispered,myvoicedesperate.
“Where?”heasked.
“Everywhere.”
Hereachedbehindmeandslowlyloweredthezippertomydress,lettingitfalltothefloor.I

kickeditaway,andhestoodupfromthebedtoweringovermeafterIhadslippedoffmyheels.

Icouldn’twaitanylonger.Istoodonmytoesandkissedhim,suckinghisbottomlipintomymouth

andflickingmytonguerepeatedlyoverhislipring,somethingIhadoftenfantasizedaboutdoingwhenwe
studiedtogetherinhisroom.

HemoanedintomymouthasItuggedathislipwithmyteeth.Thepaceofthekissingbecame

moreurgentthenhepulledback.

“Nina,you’redrivingmecrazywiththattongue,pullingonmyliplikethat.Icouldcomefromjust

kissingyou.”

“I’vealwayswantedtokissyouthere.”
“I’vewantedtokissyouinalotofplaces.”Hecaressedmychestwithbothhandsgentlybefore

unhookingthebackofmystraplessbra,lettingitfalltotheground.“GoodGod,”hesaidgrufflyashe
lookeddownatmybarebreasts.“Likehere,forstarters.”

Hecontinuedtomassagethembeforetakingeachoneintohismouth.Mynailsdugintothebackof

hisheadashealternatedbetweenlickingandsucking,takingturnswitheachone.

Ilookeddownandtooknoticeofhowhardhehadbecome,soIstartedrubbingmyhandagainst

hisjeansashesuckedonmybreasts.IcouldfeelthechangeintherhythmofhisbreathingasItouched
him.

Hestoppedsuckingandwhisperedinmyear,“Nowyouknowwhatyoudotome.Iwanttofeel

whatIdotoyou.”IknewhowwetIwas,butashetuggedatmyunderwearandslippedafingerinside,he
realizeditandsaid,“Holyshit,Nina.”

Hecontinuedmovinghisfingersinandout,andIcouldfeelmyselflosingcontrol.Myeyesbegan

torollbackandmymusclescontracted.Ihadalmostcomeinlessthanaminutefromhishandalone.I
thinkheknewIwasgoingtoloseit,becausehestopped.Then,Ialmostlostitagainwhenhelickedhis
fingersslowlyandmadeagutturalsound.

“YoutastebetterthanIcouldhaveimagined.”
“Ialmostcame.”
Hesqueezedmyass.“Iknow.IalmostlostitmyselfbecauseIlovehowturnedonyouare.That’s

whyIstopped.Butthat’snothowIwantyourfirsttimewithmetohappen.Andbelieveme,Nina,thisis
gonnabeyourrealfirsttime.”

Ihadtoclenchmyself,becausejustthosewordsalonewereenoughtodomeinagain.
HepulledmyunderwearallthewaydownsothatIwascompletelynakedandbrushedhishand

overmyvaginagently.Normally,Iwouldfeelvulnerablestandinglikethatinfrontofamanandhad
neveralloweditbefore.Ialwayshidmyself,butthelookinhiseyeswasoneofcompleteadoration.He
hadalwaysmademefeelsafeandlayingmyselfoutbarelikethiswasnoexception.

Heheldmyfacewithbothhandsandkissedme.“You’rethemostbeautifulwomanintheentire

world.”

“Iwanttoseeyounakedtoo,”Isaid.
Hegavemeanaughtygrinandsaidovermylips,“Undressme.I’myours.”
Evenhisvoicealonecausedmymusclestocontract.
Mymouthwaswatering,knowingfullwellthemasterpiecethatlayunderneathhisclothes.Ifelt

likealittlegirlonChristmasopeningthatonespecialgiftthatsheknewwasinthelastbox,asI
unbuttonedhisshirtandthrewitontheground.Istoppedtorelishinthebeautyofhisdefinedchest,which
Ihadonlyeverbeenabletoadmireindetailfromafar.HisheartwasbeatingfastasIkissedoveritand
movedmymouthandtongueovereachandeverytattooonhisarms,savingthebestforlast.Thetribal
markingonhisleftlowersidetorsohadalwaysteasedmethemost.Ilovedbeingupcloseandpersonal
withitasIbentdowntolickoverhissaltyskin.

Istoodupandundidhisjeans,andhekickedhisshoesoff.Heputhishandsoverminehelpingme

pullhispantsoff.Hisblackboxerbriefswerelikethelastpieceofwrappingpaper.Icouldfeeltheheat
ofhiserectionburstingthroughthem.HeremovedmyhandsjustasIwasabouttopullhisunderwear
down.

“IthinkIneedtokeeptheseonforalittlewhile.”
“Howcome?”

“BecauseIdon’twanttolosecontrolandburymyselfinsideyoubeforeIhaveachancetomake

youcomewithmymouth.”

Holy.Crap.
“Oh.”
“Laydown,beautiful,”hesaid.
Iimmediatelycompliedandlaydownonthebedashehoveredoverme.Hisgreeneyeswere

brimmingwithdesire,andIcouldseemyreflectioninthemashelookedatmeforseveralseconds.He
shookhisheadasifindisbelief,thenloweredhismouthandslowlylickedmylipsbeforekissingmehard
andpassionately.IlovedthewaytheweightofhisbodyfeltonmeasIwrappedmyarmsthroughhisand
caressedhisback.

Myhandsdroppedtohiswaist,andIsqueezedhisasspushinghimintome.Hemoanedintomy

mouthandquicklymovedmyhandsoffofhim.“Don’tdothat,baby.It’smyweakness.Iwanttolastfor
you,”hesaid.

Iloveditwhenhecalledme“baby.”Itookamentalnotetosqueezehisassagainverysoon,soI

couldmakehimlosecontrolbecauseIwantedtoseewhatthatlookedlike.

Heslowlyloweredhismouthdowntomyneckandthentomybreasts,alternatingbetween

suckingoneachnippleandrubbinghisthumbsacrosstheminslowcircularmotionsasmylegsrustled
beneathhim.

Hethentrailedhistonguedownthelengthofmystomachinonequickline,likeaplanetaxing

downarunway,andhismouthlanded…well…onmylandingstrip.

IclosedmyeyesinecstasyasIrelishedtheforeignsensationofhishotlipsopeningandclosing

onme.

Spencerhadnevergonedownonme,notevenonce.Heexpectedmetodoittohim,andIdid,

eventhoughIneverenjoyedit.Buthedidn’treturnthefavorandIneverasked.

Jakebeganflickinghiswettongueinslowcontrolledmotionswiththeballofhistongueringover

mytenderclit.Therewasnootherfeelinglikeit.Addtothat,thesightofhimbetweenmythighs,hishair,
darkandsweaty.IknewIwasgoingtoclimaxwithinseconds.

Mylegswererestless,andmyhandsweregrippingthesheets.“It’sokay…letgo,”hesaidin

betweendevouringme.

IwasstillfightingitbecauseIwantedthisfeelingtolastforever.
Heliftedhismouthoffofme,stuckhisfingersinsidemeandrubbedmewithhisthumb,kissing

mystomach.Itfeltgood,butIwantedhismouthbackdownwhereithadbeen.

Icouldbarelyspeak.“Jake…”
“Whatdoyouwant,Nina?Sayit.”
“Iwantyoutolickmethereagain.”
“Good,becauseIwanttotasteyouwhileyoucome.”
Thosewordsweremorepowerfulthananythinghehaddonetome.Literally,thesecondhis

tongueboredownonmeagain,Iscreamedoutinecstasyandcouldfeelthevibrationofhismouth
moaningagainstmewhileIcame.Itwasthemostmind-blowingfeelingIhadeverexperienced.

Heslowlykissedhiswayupmystomach,overmybreastsanduptomymouth.Itastedmyselfon

him,anditturnedmeonalloveragain.Ihadjusthadanorgasmsecondsago,andmyvaginawastingling,
buzzing,readyforanother.

Jakewasadrug,andIwasajunkielookingformynexthighbeforeIevencamedownfromthe

last.Upuntilthismoment,hehadbeenmyemotionaladdiction,butnowitwasofficiallyphysicaltoo.I
mightspendtherestofmylifewalkingaroundcompletelystrungout,andIdidn’tcare.Iwantedmore.

“Iwantmore,”Isaid,breakingfromhiskiss.
DidIjustsaythatoutloud?

Hesmiledagainstmylipsandsaid,“Now,Iwant…you.”
Ididn’taskforpermissionwhenIpulledhisbriefsdownandwrappedmyhandaroundhiscock

andbegantostrokehim.Hewashotandslickinmyhand.Hisbreathingquickened,andhestooduponto
hisknees,asIgotmyfirstglimpseofhimfullynaked.Helookeddownatmewithahungerinhiseyes
andspreadmylegsapartgently.Itwasalltoomuchtotakein:hishandsomeface,hisperfecttattooed
bodyandhisbeautifulcock,whichwasbiggerthanIhadeveranticipatedandsurprisingly...notpierced.
ThetipwasbeautifullyuntouchedandglisteningandIreachedmyhandoutandrubbedhimsomemore,
circlingthetopwithmythumb,asheclosedhiseyesandleanedhisheadback,almostlosingcontrol.
“Stop,”heurgedashesmileddownatme.Hethenreachedovertothenightstandforacondom,rippingit
openwithhisteethandsheathinghimself.

Helookeddownatmeandranhisfingersthroughmyhair.“Nina…myangel,”hesaidsoftly,as

hisfingertipsmovedovermymouth.Noonehadeverlookedatmelikethat.Hehadn’tsaidthosethree
wordsyet,buthiseyesweretellingmeastoryagain.Thistime,theyweretellingmethathelovedmeand
thathewasscaredthatthingswereabouttochangebetweenus.Ifthingsdidn’tworkout,therewasno
goingbacktothewaythingswere.Webothknewit.

Hekepthisgazeonmewhenheloweredhimselfdown,andIimmediatelyfelthimbetweenmy

legs.Theheattherewasimmense,andhewasn’teveninsideofmeyet.Iwaslookingdownatusandnot
athisface.“Lookintomyeyes,”hesaid.

Hestaredatmewithhisbeautifulgreeniriseswithgoldspecklesspreadoutlikestarsinanight

skyandsaid,“Iwantyoutoforgettheothersexualexperiencesyouthinkyouhad,becausethisisyour
firsttime.Youwillalwaysbelongtomeandunlikeyourprickex-boyfriend,I’mgonnafinishthejob.”We
smiledateachother,andmyheartnearlycombusted.Iwasdyingforhimandjustlikethat,Ifeltthe
frictionandthentheunprecedentedpleasureofhimfullyinsideofme.

Hekissedmeashemovedinandoutofmewithagracefulintensity.Everymovementwas

intentional,ashestartedoffeasy,pullingalmostcompletelyouteachtimebeforeslippingslowlyand
deeplybackinside.WhenItightenedmymusclesaroundhimandgrabbedhisass,helaughedovermy
mouthbecauseheknewIwasegginghimonandsaid,“Youwanttoplaylikethat,baby?”

Igiggledintohismouthandnodded.HethenbegantothrustharderandfasterandImovedmy

handsoffofhisass,sohewouldn’tlosecontrol.

“Nina…God,you’resowet.It’ssobeautiful.Youfeelamazing.Betterthanamazing.Betterthan

anythingIhaveeverfelt.”

Hiskissbecamemoreurgent,andwedevelopedarhythmforseveralminutesthatwasall-

consuming.Ineverunderstoodthemeaningofbecomingoneduringsexuntilthismoment.Iwaslostin
himandhadnoconceptoftime.

WhenIreturnedmyhandstohisass,heletoutagrowlandbrokefrommymouth.“Tellmeyou’re

close…becauseIdon’tknowhowmuchlongerIcango.Youfeeltoogood.I’mlosingcontrol.Ineedto
come.”

“I’vebeenholdingoutforyou.”
“Don’tholdout,baby.”
Iclosedmyeyeswhenhesaid,“Openthem…lookatme.Iwantlookinyoureyeswhenwecome

together.”

Hethrustintomeharder,nevertakinghiseyesoffofmine.Iwantedtoletgoattheexactmoment

hedid.Isqueezedmymusclesandwatchedashegroanedloudanddeepashiseyesrolledbackonce
beforereturningtomygaze.HebegantopulsatefastinsidemeandIfinallyletgoandscreamedasI
surrenderedtothebestorgasmofmylife.

Holyshit.IjusthadsexwithJake.
Ourheartsbeatagainsteachotherashecollapsedontomeandburiedhisfaceinmyneck.AllI

couldthinkaboutwashowrighthewas.Tonighthadbeenmyfirstrealsexualexperience.

CHAPTER19

Ihadn’tcountedthenumberoftimesorwayswemadelovethatnight,butwedidn’tstopfor

hours.Ikeptwantingmore,andhekeptaccommodatingme,makinggoodonhispromiseto“makeme
comeuntilIscreamedineverypossiblewayimaginable.”Wemighthaveevenbeeninthemidstof
anotherroundwhenIfellasleepbecausewhenIwokeupatthreeinthemorning,Ihadn’teven
rememberednoddingoff.

Thelampwasstillon,andtomyrelief,hewasrightnexttomefastasleep.Helockedmeintohis

warmgraspwithhisarmacrossmybelly.AsIlookeddownathishandsomeface,Iwantedtocry
becauseIhadneverbeensohappyandsoscaredatthesametimeinmyentirelife.Thismomentintime
waslikeadreamIdidn’twanttowakeupfrom.Iwasterrifiedofwhatheneededtotellmelatertoday.

Mythoughtskeptmeup,andIreallyneededtousethebathroom,sinceIhadn’tpeedatallafter

leavingEleni’slastnight.QuietlyslippingfromunderneathJake’sarm,Itiptoeddownthehall.There
wasanoteonthemirror.

Gladtoseeyoutwomadeup.FromwhatIcouldhear,youactuallymadeupmultipletimeslast

night.--T

Iwoulddealwithherlater.
WhenIreturnedtothebedroom,hewasinthesamepositionsoundasleeponhisstomachwithhis

armreachingacrossmysideofthebed.Liftingit,Islidbackunderneathhim.WhenIglancedoveratmy
nightstand,Inoticedafoldedpieceofpaperthathadn’tbeentherelastnightandopenedit.

Imetagirl,afewmonthsback
Withhugeblueeyesandanamazingrack.
Turnedoutshewasmovingin
AndkindoflookedlikeanOlsentwin.

Sheputupwithmyshitandsarcasticwit.
Andfacedmywrathwhenshesuckedatmath.
Untilher,ithadbeenawhile
Sinceanyonetrulymademesmile.

Itmighthavebeenfate,inaway…
Hermovinginthatday.
IfoundthemoretimewithherI’dspend
Sheactuallybecamemybestfriend.

Whenwemadelove,thingsdidchange.
Infact,it’sreallystrange.
Thatfrienddeliveredbyfate?
Turnsout…shewasmysoulmate.

AndasIlayherewatchinghersleep,

Irealizemyfeelingsrundeep.
Becausetheyburnandcutlikeaknife.
IthinkIlovehermorethanlife.

P.S.Onmysecondbirthday,youcameintotheworldandwerethebestpresentIneverknew

Igot.Andthisyear?Best.Birthday.Ever.

ThepapershookinmyhandasIrereadhisbeautifulwordsandtookitallin.
Soulmate.
Helovedmemorethanlife.
Itwashisbirthdaytoo?
Afterafewminutes,hisbodystirred,andIjumpedashishandsqueezedmyside.Hiseyes

opened,andhesmiledgroggily.“Iseeyougotmynote.”

Iturnedtohimsoourfaceswerejustinchesapartandpulledhimintoagentlekiss.“Iloveyou,

Jake.Thedayssincewemethavebeenthehappiestofmylife.”

Hekissedmeharder,thensaid,“Imeanteveryword…excepttheOlsentwinpart.”Hechuckled.

“Youdon’treallylooklikethemtome,actually.Ryanmentioneditbeforeyoumovedin,andImessed
withyouaboutitthatfirstday.YoulookmorelikeayoungBrigitteBardot.”

Notetoself:GoogleBrigitteBardot.
Hecaressedmyface.“Youfellasleepinmyarms,andIcouldn’tsleepbecauseIwasso

overcomewithemotion.Ihadtogetitallout.SoIdiditonpaper.Butnow,IneedtotellyouthatIamso
crazyinlovewithyou,NinaKennedy.”

Hepulledmeinforanotherkiss,suckingonmybottomlipgentlybeforeslowlyreleasingit.My

pantieswerealreadymoistagain.Myappetiteforhimwasinsatiable.

“Yourbirthdaywasreallyyesterdaytoo?Seriously…January8

?”

Heranhisfingersthroughmyhairandnodded.“Icouldn’tfuckingbelieveitwhenTarahtexted

meFridayaboutyourbirthdaybeingSunday.Mynieceshadplannedthispartyformethatday.Theyare
socute.ButIwasn’tabouttomissbeingherewithyou,soIpromisedthemarainchecknextweekend.I
couldn’twaittotellyouwesharedabirthday.Iwasgonnasaysomethinglastnightwhenwebrokeaway
fromthecrowd.IhadthiswholefunnythingplannedoutabouthowIwasgoingtotellyou,butasyou
know,thedateneverhappened.Believeme,thealternativewassomuchbetter.”

AthoughtoccurredtomeandIlaughed.“IguessI’mgoingtohavetobreakthenewstomy

parents,thatI’vefalleninlovewithmynerdyroommate.”

“Saywhat,now?”
“I’ve…sortof…paintedapictureofyouthat’snotentirelyaccurate,sotheywouldn’tthinkIwas

livingwithaguyIwasattractedto.”

Hiseyeswidenedashegrinned.“Andso,theythinkI’manerd?”
“Yes.Anerdyengineer.”Ilaughed.
“YouknowwhatIthinkwouldbereallyfunny?”
“What?”
“IfIactuallyplayedthepart.Like,putonsomeglasses,woreapocketprotector,tookoutmy

piercingsandcoveredmytatswhenyoutakemehome.Wecouldhavesomefunwithit.They’dbehappy
andtrustmeenoughtoletmeinyourroom.Wecouldsaywewerestudying.Then,I’dclosethedoor,take
offmydisguiseandfuckyouonyourcanopybed.”

Webothstartedlaughinghystericallyatthethought.
Hemademesohappy.
Ikissedhim.“Noway.Iwantyoujustthewayyouareallofthetime.AndIwantthemtomeet

you.”

Hejumpedup.“Shit.Youhadmesodistractedlastnight,Itotallyforgotaboutyourbirthdaygift.”
“Whereareyougoing?”Iasked.
“It’sinmyroom.”
Jakerandownthehallandreturnedwithasmallblackvelvetbagwitharopestringandsatdown

onthebed.“Mybrother-in-lawhadgivenoneofthesetomysisteronChristmas.Itmademewanttoget
oneforyou,soIwentonlinethatnightandorderedone.Ididn’tevenknowwhenIwasgoingtogiveitto
you.Ithappenedtocomeinthemailyesterday.Iwouldsayafterlastnight,thetimingwasperfect.Ihope
youlikeit.”

Pryingthedrawstringopen,Ipulledoutabeautifulsterlingsilvercharmbracelet.
Ihelditinmyhandandturnedtohim.“Jake…”
Hetookitfromme,openedthelobsterclaspandplaceditonmywrist.“Youcanactuallygo

onlineandcustommakethesewithwhatevercharmsyouwant.Theyhaveliterallyeverysinglethingyou
canthinkof.Theseareallthethingsthatremindmeofyou.”Heliftedmyhandtohismouthandkissedit.

Itouchedeachcharmwithmyfingertipsandwasflooredbythethoughthehadputintoselecting

them.Therewasanairplane,apairofdice,afour-leafclover,anangel…evenalittlebat.

“This…thisisthemostthoughtfulpresentIhaveeverreceived.Ican’tbelieveyouwerethinking

ofmelikethatoverChristmas.”

“Icouldn’tgetyouoffmymindoverChristmas.Youknewthat.Didn’tImakeitpainfully

obvious?”

“Sortof.ButIlovedit.Ilovethis.Iloveyou.”
“Iloveyoutoo,baby.Iamgladyoulikeit.”
Igotupandstraddledhim.“Ihaven’tevenhadachancetogetyouagift.”
“Youaremygift.”
Thatmomentwasthesinglemostpreciousofmylife.Imightaswellhavehandedhimmyhearton

asilverplatter;itwashis.

Itwouldn’tbelong,though,beforehewouldshatteritintoamillionpieces.

CHAPTER20

Thealarmwentoffatnoon,andIwasstillexhausted.Jakemusthavesetitbeforeheleftforwork

sothatIwouldn’tsleeptheentiredayaway.Ihadfallenbackasleepinhisarmsshortlyafterhehadgiven
methebraceletinthemiddleofthenightandsleptlikealogafterthat.

Istretchedmyarmsintheairandyawned,smilingwhenInoticedaneworigamibatonthe

nightstand.Iopenedit.

Iambatshitcrazyforyou.Seeyoutonight.

Ikisseditandputitinthedrawerwithalloftherest,butthatonewas,byfar,myfavorite.Last

nightchangedeverythingbetweenus,andtherewasnogoingback.IsniffedmyhairandcouldsmellJake
alloverit,alloverme.Hiscologneandthescentofhisbodycoatedmeafterourlongnightof
lovemaking.Mylipswereswollen,andIwassoreinalltherightplaces,stillintoxicatedbyhim.

Sixo’clockcouldnotcomesoonenoughbecauseIwascravinghimagainalready.Iwas

distractedandgiddy,barelyabletofocusonwhattowear.Ilookeddownatthecharmbraceletand
closedmyeyes.HowhadIlivedmyentirelifewithouthim?

DreadsoonsetinasIremindedmyselfthatwewerehavingthattalktonight.Ijustwantedtogetit

overwith,sowecouldmoveon.Whateverheneededtotellme,Iwoulddealwithit.Itwouldbeokay.
Wewouldbeokay.Wewereinlove,andthatwasallthatmattered.

TarahwasinthekitchenmakingasmoothiewhenIemergedfrommyroom.Iwasstartledtosee

herbecauseIhadforgottenthatthesalonwasclosedonMondaysandthatshewouldbehomeatthistime.
Ipreparedmyselfforthethirddegree.

Shestoppedtheblender.“Well,goodmorningathalfpastone.”
“Iknow.Wedidn’tgetmuchsleeplastnight.”
“Oh,believeme,noneofusdid.”
Icoveredmyfaceinembarrassment.“Shit.Werewethatloud?”
“I’mprettysuremyparentsinStatenIslandandmycousinsinJerseyheardyou.Yes,youwere

definitelyloud.Wasitasgoodasitsounded?

“Whatdoyouthink?”
“You’reflushed.Ithinkhewasjustasgoodinbedashelookslikehe’dbe,ifnotbetter.”
“Youwouldbecorrect.”
“Uh,yeah...Ifigured.Actually,IalmostwishyouhadletmetellRyaboutyourfeelingsforJakeall

thistime,becausehewasseriouslyshocked.Hehadnoideathatyoutwoweremorethanfriends.”

“Iknow.”
“IneverrealizedhowprotectiveofyouRyanwasuntillastnight.Hewastossingandturningand

keptsayingthatJakebetternothurtyouorhewouldfuckhimup.Andyouknow,hedoesn’tnormallytalk
likethat.”

“Shit.Nohecertainlydoesn’t.Well,heistheclosestthingIhavetoabrother,buthereally

shouldn’tbeworried.Jakehasbeenthebestthingthat’severhappenedtome.He’shelpedmethroughso
much.I’veneverfeltsaferwithanyoneinmyentirelife.”

“Iamgladthatyoutwofinallyfigureditalloutlastnight.Iknewitwouldhappeneventually.”She

pausedandlookeddown.“Nina,Ihavetotellyousomething.I…knewaboutJakeandDesiree.”

Silence.
“IamsorryIneversaidanything.Itwasbeforeyou,soIdidn’tthinkitreallymattered.Ididn’t

quiteknowhowtobringitup.Shespentthenightonetime,likeaweekbeforeyoumovedhere.Thebitch
hadalwaysthrownherselfathim.Iknewitwasjustacheapfling,andIdidn’twantyoutothinkbadlyof
himbecauseIcouldalwaystellhereallylikedyou.Plus,Ididn’twantyoutobeuncomfortable
downstairsattherestaurantsincewe’realwaysthere.Iwastryingtoprotectyou,butIstillshouldhave
toldyou.”

Iletoutadeepbreath.“It’sokay.Iunderstandwhyyoudidn’t.Imean,howcanIfaulthimfor

somethingthathappenedbeforeheevenmetme?”

“I’mgladyou’renotupsetwithme,”shesaid.
Iwas…alittle.
IquicklychangedthesubjecttoridmymindofDesiree.“DidyouknowJake’sbirthdaywas

yesterdaytoo?”

“What?You’rekidding!”
“Deadserious.Andlookwhathegotmeformine.”Istuckoutmyarmtoshowoffthebracelet.
Tarahheldmywrist,andherjawdropped.“Acharmbracelet.Sweet.”
“Yes,withallthethingsthatremindhimofme.”
“Iknewhehaditbad,butdamn,girl.”Sheshookherheadatme.“Lookatyou…you’rebeaming.”
“Ican’thelpit.I’veneverfeltthisway.I’minlovewithhim,Tarah.”
Shehuggedmetightlythenpulledback.“Makethattwopeoplewho’llfuckhimupifheeverhurts

you,then.”

***

Jakecalledmefromworkat2:45thatafternoon,andIansweredthephoneinmybestthroaty

voice.“Hi,handsome.”

“Nina?”
“Yes,ofcourseit’sme,silly.I’vebeenthinkingabou—”
“Listentome,okay?Ihavesomebadnews.Everythingisokay,butIhavetogotoBoston

tonight.”

“What?”
“There’sbeenanemergency,soIamactuallyflyinginsteadoftakingthetrain.I’monmywayto

LaGuardianow.”

Myheartfelltomystomach.“You’rescaringme.Whatkindofemergency?”
“It’snothingtobescaredabout.There’sasituationthat’srelatedtowhatIneededtodiscusswith

you.Wecan’thavethisconversationoverthephone.Weweresupposedtotalktonight,butit’sgoingto
havetobeassoonasIgetback.Pleasetrustme.Everythingisokaywithus.Everythingisgoingtobe
fine,andIpromisetoexplainittoyouinacoupleofdays.Nina…areyouthere?”

Iwassilentforafewsecondsthensaid,“Yes.”
“I’llcallyouassoonasIcanlatertonight.”Herepeated,“Ineedyoutrustinme.”
“Idotrustyou…butyoucan’tblamemeforwonderingandworrying.”
“Iknow,baby.Iknow.It’seasiersaidthandone,butpleasedon’tworry,okay?”
“Assoonasyougetback,weneedtohavethattalk.Thenotknowingisstartingtokillme.”
“Ipromise,”hesaidamidstcarhornsandpeopleshouting.“Ijustpulleduptotheairport.I’llcall

youlater.Iloveyou,Nina.”

“Iloveyou,too.”

***

IspenttherestofthedayMondayonpinsandneedlesunabletoeatorconcentrate.
RyanhadaskedmewhereJakewasthatnight,andIexplainedthattherewasanemergencyin

Boston.HespentmostoftheeveninginterrogatingmeaboutwhatIreallyknewaboutJake,tryingto
convincemethatsomethingdidn’tseemrightandwarningmetobecareful.Itriednottolethimseethat
hewasscaringme.

Jakeendedupcallingmeaboutmidnight.
Hesoundedextremelytired.“DidIwakeyou?”
“No.Ihaven’tbeenabletosleep.Ihavebeensoworried.”
“IamsosorrythatIcouldn’tcallyouuntilnow.Everythingisokay.Thereisnothingforyouto

worryabout.Believeme.Mybeingheredoesnotchangeanythingbetweenus.Doyouhearme?Justgive
meachancetoexplainthistoyouinperson.It’snotsomethingIcandooverthephone.I’llbehereone
moredaythenflyinghomelatetomorrownightandcomingstraighttoyou.”

Itwasquietwhereverhewas.
“Okay.Whereareyou?”
“Ijustgottomysister’shouse.I’mspendingthenighthere.”
“Callmetomorrow?”
“Ipromise.Iloveyou,Nina.”
“Iloveyoutoo,Jake.”
Ihungupthephoneandprayedfortomorrowtocomequickly.

***

Itwasabout5:30TuesdaynightwhenRyancamehomefromwork.Hewalkedinthedoorand

hunguphiscoat.

Hehunguphiscoat.
Normally,theactofhangingupacoatisaveryinsignificantthing.Butforme,themomentwhen

Ryanhunguphiscoatmeanteverything.

ItwasthelastmomentthatIcouldrememberwhenthingswerenormal.Itwasthemomentbefore

everythingchanged.Becausethesecondheturnedtomeandlookedintomyeyes,Ibegantosuffocate.

“Nina,youneedtositdown.”
“What’sgoingon?”
Hegentlypattedmyarm.“Sitdown.”
Iwalkedovertothecouchandsat.Mypalmsweresweaty,andmyheartwasbeatingamilea

minute.

“Nina,Idon’tknowhowtotellyouthis…”
Igrippedtheseatcushions.“Justsayit.Whatisit?Didsomeonedie?”
“No…it’snotlikethat.”
“What?”

“Afterourtalklastnight,Ididsomedigging.Youknow,atworkattheD.A.’soffice,IthinkItold

you,wehavequickaccesstopublicrecordsandsuch.”

Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
Hecontinued,“IlookedupJake’sinformation,didabackgroundcheckandfoundthisdocument.

Doyouknowwhatthisis?”

HehandedmeapieceofpaperandIglanceddownatit.Heimmediatelymovedtothecouchnext

tomeandputhisarmsaroundmyback.Itfeltlikeadrumwasbeatinginmyearsandmybodystartedto
shakeuncontrollably.

IhadsuspectedthatmaybeJakewasinsomekindoftroublewiththelaworthathehada

girlfriendinBoston.ButIneverexpectedthis.

Ilookeddownattheprintoutagainandfeltlikemyheadwasonfire.
JakeAlanGreen
IvyMarieMacomber
No.Jakedidn’thaveagirlfriend.Hehadawife.
Hewasmarried.

PART2:

JAKE

CHAPTER21

“Mr.Green,yourwifehasbeentransportedtoMcLeanHospital.Wethinkshetriedtotakeher

lifelastnight.”

Itwasn’tthefirsttimeIhadreceivedacalllikethat,anditprobablywouldn’tbethelast.Talk

aboutgoingfromheaventohellinamatterofhours.

BeforeNina,thatwasallmylifeamountedto…alivinghell.MaybeescapingtoNewYorkfor

workduringtheweekwasmypurgatory.Buttherewascertainlynoheaven,norespite,neveranypeace
ortruehappiness…untilshecamealong.NinahadbecomemyonlysolacefromthenightmareIhadbeen
livingoverthepastfiveyears.

Thebeveragecartstoppedinfrontofmyseat,andIaskedforthestrongestthingtheyhad.Itdidn’t

evenmatterwhatitwas.IneededtotaketheedgeoffbecauseIneverknewwhatIwasgoingbeto
walkinginto,especiallythistime.ThankGod,atleastfromwhattheytoldme,Ivywasstableinthesafety
ofahospital.

Theflightattendantnudgedme.“Excuseme?Yourdrink,sir.”
Ihadbeendeepinthoughtstaringoutthewindowandhadn’tnoticedherhandingittome.

“Thanks,”Isaid,takingthehardliquor,whateveritwas,anddowningit.

Iletoutalongbreathandclosedmyeyes.MyfocusshouldhavebeenonIvy,butIcouldn’tbear

toletmyminddrifttotherealitythatwasabouttoslapmeinthefacewhenthisplanetoucheddown.
Therewouldbenowaytoescapeitthen.

Theseminutes,milesupinthesky,weregoingtobemylastmomentsofpeaceforawhile.So,I

chosetoclosemyeyesandfocusontheonlythingthattookthepainaway.

InevershouldhaveletthingsgetasfarastheydidwithNina.Butwhatshouldhavehappenedand

whatIwantedtohappenwitheveryfiberofmybeingweretwoverydifferentthings.

IbecameaddictedtoherfromthemomentIfirstshookherhand,andittrembledinmine.Women

havealwayshadstrongreactionstomebutneverlikethat.Ihadnevermetsomeonesobeautifulandsexy,
yethumbleandinnocentatthesametime.Iwantedtoliftherovermyshoulder,carryherrightthenand
therebacktomyroomandmakehermine,whichwasacrazythoughttohavesecondsintomeeting
someone.Thatwasjustthephysicalpull.Withinafewminutesthough,whenIreallylookedintohereyes
andshewastalkingaboutherphobias,therewasthisdarknessthere.ShelookedthesamewayIimagined
Iappearedtoanyonethatcouldseethroughmyfaçade.HerewasagirlIhadjustmet,andIwassureour
lifestoriescouldn’thavebeenmoredifferent.Yet,somehow,Iknewwehadbothbeenlivingthesame
kindoflife,justgoingthroughthemotions,tryingtofindsomethingtomakeitworthliving.Forsome
unexplainedreason,therewasaconnectionwithherthatIhadn’tevenknownIwassearchingdesperately
for.Butitwastoolate.Mylifewasalreadylaidoutforme.So,IhadtofigureoutawaytoignorewhatI
wasfeeling.

Whatamindfuck.
Anysanemaninmysituationwouldhavejustgottenthehelloutoftherethatfirstday,takenalong

walkandsortedoutmyhead…maybemovedoutoftheapartmenteven.

Instead,youknowhowIhandledit?Iwentstraighttomyroomandmadeherafuckingpaperbird.

Because,aftermeetingher,theonlythingIcouldthinkaboutwasthatIjustwantedtomakehersmile,take

someofthedarknessoutofthosebeautifulblueeyes.

Whatapansy.
Itonlygotworsefromthere.I’dkeeplookingforexcusestobearoundher.Iknewshehadthese

fears,andIreallydidwanttohelpherthroughthem.ButIalsoreallywantedtogetmyfix,benearher,
smellhervanillascentandtouchherinsubtlewayseverychanceIgot,evenifitwasjustherhandorher
back.

Shemademefeelaliveafteryearsofbeingemotionallydead.Ilivedforeverymomentspentwith

heranddreadedtheweekendswhenIhadtoleave.IthoughtIcouldhandlebeingclosefriendswithher,
aslongasIpacedmyselfwithoutlettingitgotoofar.

WhichiswhyIcameupwiththebrilliantideaoftutoringherandofcourse,ourbet.Everybody

won.She’dgetgoodgrades,overcomeherfears,andIgotmyangelfix.Shegotwhatsheneeded,andI
needed…her.

ThingsstartedtogetcomplicatedbecauseeachdayIfellharder,andIcravedmore.ThefactthatI

sensedthatshewasattractedtometoodidn’thelp;itonlyturnedmeon,andtherewasnogoddamnshut
offswitch.Itriedmybesttocurtailthephysicalneed.Ireallydid.Let’sjustsay,Ijerkedoffsomuchthat
Iwasabletoproveonceandforallthatthemythmygrandmothertoldmeaboutwasfalse,becauseI
neverdidgoblind.

Asidefromwantingherphysically,therewasthisconstantneedtomakeherhappy.Igotoffonit.I

noticedNinachangingthemoretimewespenttogether.Hereyesstartedtotransform.Lightreplacedthe
darkness,andIwonderedifIhadputitthere.Shealwayslookedatmelikenooneeverhadandwasso
attentive;sheateupeverywordIsaid.Imadeherlaugh,andshecomfortedme.Iwantedtobearoundher
allofthetimelikeafuckingbeeonhoney.

ThewayIsawit,weweretwofracturedsoulsthatfittogetherlikethelasttwomissingpiecesin

a“fuckeduplife”puzzle.Whenweweretogether,lifefinallymadesense;itwasn’tallwork,obligation,
guiltandfear.Itwasjustamazingtobealive.Sheneededmetohelpher,butshedidn’trealizeIneeded
hersomuchmore.

ThefirsttimeIknewIwasreallyintroublewaswhenshecutherfingerthatnighttryingtomake

medessert.Iphysicallyfeltthepain—ashootingpain—whenIsawherblood.Ihadneverexperienced
anyoneelse’spainbefore.Itfeltlikeshewasanextensionofme.ThatwaswhenIbegantosuspectthatI
mighthavebeenfallinginlovewithher.

ThemomentIabsolutelyknewIlovedher,though,wasinChicago.IwastellingherthingsIhadn’t

evertoldanyone,likethestoryaboutmyfatherandthemoon.Ontheplaneridehome,whenwewere
holdinghandsandIwatchedherwithhereyesclosed,Ihadwishedthattheplaneweretakingus
somewherefaraway,whereIcouldspendtherestofmylifejustbeingwithher,makinglovetoherand
notworryingaboutanythingelse.Iknewitwasselfish,butIwouldhavegivenanythingforthat.

Ihadn’tevenplannedtotakehertoChicagoinitially.Myoriginalideahadbeenahelicopterride

overManhattan,butshekeptgettingA’sandputtingitoff.Duringthattime,webecamecloser,andI
wantedtosharemoreofmyselfwithher.Maybeitwastomakeupfornotlettingherinonthemost
importantpieceofinformation.Somethingshehadeveryrighttoknow,evenasmyfriend.

OverChristmas,Ihadmissedhersomuchthatitwaslikegoingthroughwithdrawal.Irealized

thatstayinginthefriendzonejustwasn’tworkingforme.Ineededher.TheonlywayIcouldbewithher
wastotellherthetruthandhopethatshewouldunderstand.Shepromisedthatnothingcouldmakeher
leaveme,butwouldthatreallystillbethecaseonceshefoundoutaboutIvy?MaybeIwaskidding
myself.

Ifshedidn’twanttobewithmeafterItoldherthetruth,I’dmoveoutandwalkaway,because

livingunderthesameroofwithherwouldbelikestrappingabottleofvodkatoanalcoholic.

Iwishedshehadjustletmegetitoffmychestlastnight,becausethetruthwas,therewasnever

reallygoingtobearighttimetoexplainmyfuckedupsituationtoher.Butsheconvincedmetowaitaday
tohavethetalk.

WhenIrealizedshewantedmeasmuchasIwantedher,Ibecamelikeacagedanimalunleashed

forthefirsttime;IwantedtoravagehersobadlythatIgaveinandwaitedtosayanything.Ifallelse
failed,lastnightwillstaywithmeforaslongasIlive,andnothingcouldevertakeitaway.

Now,Ineededtofigureouthowtoexplainmysuddendisappearingactandeverythingelse,the

secondIgetbacktoNewYork.

HowexactlywasIsupposedtotellthepersonIlovethatI’mmarriedtoanotherwomanImay

neverbeabletoleave?

***

Thehallswereeerilyquietasanurseledmetoherroom.Ivywassittingupinbedstaringatthe

clockonthewall.Thatwasahabitshedevelopedaboutayearago.Shejustwatchesthehandsgoby.It
seemedtocalmher.

“Ivy?”IsaidasIslowlyapproachedthebed.Shewasn’tinthemiddleofadelusion,butshealso

didn’tseemtobeaffectedbymybeingthereonewayortheother.Shelookedatmeandthenlookedright
backattheclock.

ShewincedwhenIgrabbedherhand.Shedidn’tliketobetouched,butshegaveinandletme

holdit.Iwasjustrelievedshewasn’ttellingmetogoawaythistimeoraccusingmeoftryingtokillher.
Thatonewastheworst.

Isqueezedherhandlightly.“Areyouokay?”
Shenoddedrepeatedlyinquickmotionswithoutmakingeyecontactwithmethensaid,“Didthey

callyou?”

“Yes.Theysaidyou—”
“Well,Ididn’t.They’relying.Theyshouldn’thavecalledyou.”
Ididn’twanttoarguewithher.Thetruthwas,onlyshereallyknewwhethershemeanttotakeher

ownlifeorwhetheritwasamisunderstanding.Sheneveradmittedtointentionallytryingtocommit
suicidethepastfewtimessomethinglikethishappened.

“Whatdidyoudo,Ivy?”
“Iwasjusttryingtogetsomeair.”
“Theythoughtyoutriedtojumpoutawindow?”
“Iwasontheroof.”
“Ivy—”
Shecutmeoffandshouted.“Iwasjustgettingair!”
Idecidednottogrillheranyfurther.Itwaspointless.Eventhislittleamountofclarityfromher

wasrare,andIdidn’twanttopushherintoanepisode.ShejustneededtoknowIwasthereforher.
ThankGod,thistime,mybeingheredidn’tsetheroff.

Shekeptherhandinmine,andIwatchedhereyesreturntotheclockonthewall.Asidefromthe

fainttrafficsoundsthroughtheglassfromthestreetbelowandtheclockticking,itwasquiet.Then,came
alightknockonthedoor.

“Mr.Green?”
Iturnedaroundtoseeatallmiddle-agedwomanwithawhitecoatstandingatthedoorway.
“I’mDoctorGreally.”
“Hi,”Isaid,standingupasweshookhands.

“MayIhaveawordwithyou?”Shegesturedformetowalkoutintothehallwaywithher.
IlookedbackatIvywhowasstillstaringattheclock.“I’llberightback.”
“Whathappened,doctor?”Iwhispered.
“Shewasapparentlynakedontheroofthreateningtojumpifsomeonedidn’tleaveheralone.

Therewasnooneactuallybotheringherandnooneinthevicinity.Thestaffatthehomehadatoughtime
gettingherdownsafely.Theybroughtherinbecausetheydidn’tknowwhatelsetodo.”

Irubbedmyforeheadvigorouslywithmyfingers.“Howlongisshegoingtobehospitalizedthis

time?”

“Atleastafewdays.Iwantedtotalktoyouabouttreatmentoptions.”
“Youobviouslylookedatherrecords?Nothinghaseverworkedforher,”Isaid.
“Yes,butInoticedthey’venevertriedClozapine.”
“Whatisthat?”
“Well,it’susuallyprescribedasalastresortinpatientswhohaveneverrespondedtoanyofthe

otheranti-psychotics.”

“Whyisitalastresort?”
“Therearesomepotentialtroublingside-effects,likedangerouslyloweringwhitebloodcell

count.Peoplewhotakeithavetohavefrequentbloodteststomonitorthesituation.However,asidefrom
thatrisk,itcanbeaveryeffectivetreatmentinsomepeople.”

Mystomachfeltsick.“Whendowehavetomakeadecision?”
“Youcantakeallthetimeyouneed.Justknowthatit’sanoption.”
“Thankyou,”IsaidasIrubbedmychin,unsureaboutwhetheritwouldbeworththerisk.I’dhave

todomoreresearch.

AsIreenteredherroom,shewasfastasleep.Isatdownbesideherandonceagain,felthelpless

asIwatchedherpeacefulface.

Whenshewassleeping,itwaseasytoimaginetheoldIvy.Ionlygottoexperiencethatgirlfor

underayearbeforethingsstartedtodramaticallychange.Thepastfiveyearshavebeenasteadydecline.

IvyandIdatedforsixmonthsbeforeweelopedtoVegasonawhimandwereonlymarriedfor

aboutsixmonthsmorewhenherbehaviorstartedtodeteriorate.Atfirst,Ididn’tunderstandwhatwas
happeningorwhattoevencalltheepisodes;Ijustreferredtoitallashell.

ThefirsttimeIevertookhertothehospital,bythetimeshewasdischarged,itfinallyhadaname.

***

“Thatwentwell,don’tyouthink?”myco-workerHenrysaidasweexitedthemeeting.
“Yeah.Lunch?”
“Sure.TheNinety-Nine?”heasked.
Iturnedthecornertowardmycubicle.“I’llmeetyouinfive.”
Ihadbeendoingmyco-opforatechnologycompanynorthofBoston.Itwasahipstart-up,and

Ilovedthefactthattheydidn’tgiveashitaboutmypiercings.Aslongyouworkedhard,theyleftyou
alone.Managementhadcalledsomeofusintotalkaboutpossiblejobopportunitiesaftergraduation.
Theywerescopingouttheco-opstudentsforcomputerhardwareengineeringpositions.Wewouldbe
developingcomputerchips,circuitboardsandrouters.

Ididn’tlikeworkingsofaroutsidethecity,wherewelived.Ivy’sbehaviorhaddeteriorated

lately,andshewasreallystartingtoworryme.Shehaddroppedoutofschoolandlostherjobseveral
weeksago,whichmeantshewasnowhomeallday.Shewasn’tinanyconditiontowork,butnothaving

anythingtooccupyherwasmakinganalreadybadsituationworse.Ididn’tknowhowtohelpher
anymore,butlosingmyjobtoowasn’tgoingtohelpeitheroneofus.So,Idrovetheforty-fiveminutes
everydayandleftheralone,hopingforthebest.

Rachel,thereceptionist,spokethroughmyphoneintercomasIwascountingmycashforlunch.
“Jake?”
“Yo.”
“Pleasecomeoutfront.”
Hertonewasstrange.Iimmediatelygrabbedmywalletandwalkedtothefrontdesk.
Myheartdropped.
No.
No.
Nothere.
Shewasstandingthereinthelobbywithmascararunningdownhereyes,wearingherpajamas,

herhairdisheveled.

“Whatareyoudoinghere,Ivy?”
Shekeptherdistanceandpointedatme,herindexfingershaking.“YouknowwhatIamdoing

here.Youknowwhatyoutriedtodotomethismorning.Iknowyoutriedtopoisonme!”

No.
Ibrieflyclosedmyeyesunabletobelievethiswasactuallyhappeningatwork.Herwords

shouldn’thaveshockedme,yeteverytimesheaccusedmeofsomethinglikethat,itfuckingrippedmy
heartout.Thiswasthefirsttimeotherpeoplewouldwitnessit.

IlookedbehindmetoseeRachellookingatuslikeadeercaughtinheadlights.Icouldonly

imaginewhatthismustlookliketosomeonewhodidn’tknowmywife.

“Howdidyougethere?”
Shedidn’tanswer,butthroughtheslidingglassdoorsofthelobby,Isawtherewasacab

waitingoutside.

Igrabbedherarm.“Let’sgo.Now!”
“Don’ttouchme!”sheyelled.
Istartedtopushheroutthedoorwhensheresisted.
Herscreamechoedinthelobby.“Hetriedtokillmethismorning.Heputsomethinginmy

coffeebeforeheleftforwork.He’swantedmedeadforawhile.”

Ilookedovertowardthedeskandsawmythreeco-workerswhoweresupposedtobemeeting

metogotolunch,staringatusspeechless.Ishookmyheadatthemtoletthemknowthiswasn’twhat
itseemed.

Bob,theofficemanagercameout.“What’sgoingonouthere?”
Istartedtosweat.“Bob,wewerejustleaving.Thisismywife,butshe’sillanddoesn’trealize

whatsheissaying.Sheshouldn’thavecomehere.Iapologizeforthescene.”

Shewascrying,andIpulledheroutthedoor,asshestruggledwithme.Iheldontoherarmso

shecouldn’trunawayasIstuckmyheadintheopencabwindow.“Didshepayyou?”

Thecabbieshookhishead,soItookoutmywalletwiththeoneavailablehandIhad.“How

much?”

“Ninety-sevendollars,”hesaid.
Ididn’thaveenoughcash.Fuck.
Humiliated,IheldontoIvy,aswewalkedbackintothelobby.Morepeoplewerenowstanding

theretowitnessthedrama.Henrycameuptome.ItoldhimIwouldexplaineverythinglaterandhe
gavemetheextracashtopaythecabdriver.AsIvystoodtherewhisperingtoherself,Ithinkhewas
startingtogetthedriftofwhatwasreallygoingon.

IpaidthedriverbeforedraggingIvytothefarendoftheparkinglotwheremyJettawas

parked.Shewasstilltryingtogetawayfrommeandwasthreateningtocallthecops.Carswere
speedingbyonthenearbyhighwayandIfearedifshegotaway,she’drunintotrafficandgetherself
killed.

Herspitsprayedmyfacewhenshesaid,“Ifuckinghateyou,Jake.”Ipushedherintothe

passengerseatandshutthedoor.Thosewordswentrightthroughme.AsIstartedthecar,sheturned
awayfrommelookingoutthewindow.Ilookedoverather,feelinghelpless,notsureifIshouldtake
herhomethistime.

Ijustsattherewiththecarrunning.Icouldn’tfuckingdothisaloneanymore.Ivy’smotherdied

shortlybeforewegotmarried.Shehadnofatherinthepictureandnosiblings.Iwasallshehad.It
wasthereasonIwasstillhere.

TakinghertoahospitalhadbeensomethingI’dbeenavoiding.Iwasscaredforher,whatthey

mightdotoherthere.Visionsofpaddedwhitewallsandisolationhauntedme.IthoughtIcouldkeep
hersafemyself,butIwaslosingcontrolfasterthanshewaslosinghermind.MypoorIvy.Thiswasn’t
herfault.

Sheturnedandlookedatme,andIknewshewascomingoutofit.Eachepisodewaslikea

cycle.Italwayspassed,butonceshecamethroughit,anewonewasneverfarbehind.Feeling
defeatedandhopeless,mychesttightenedasIreachedforherhand.Ialmostwished,thisonce,she
stayedoutofhermind,sothatshedidn’trealizewhatwasabouttohappen.Becauseaswepulledout
ofthelot,Iknewthatthistime,Iwasn’ttakingherhome.

***

“Wherearewe?”sheaskedwhenwepulleduptoalargebrickbuildingjustoutsideBoston.
Wehadn’tspokentheentireridetothehospital.
Itouchedherhairgently.“We’regoingtogetyouhelp,babygirl.”
Ihelpedheroutofthecar,andthistime,shedidn’tresist.
Acoupleofdayslater,shewasstilladmittedwhenthedoctorpulledmeintohisoffice.Iknew

somethingwascoming,butIwasnevergoingtobereadytohearit.

Iwaslookingatthepicturesofthedoctor’ssmilingchildrenashesaid,“Mr.Green,yourwife

hasschizophrenia.”

Icontinuedtostareblanklyatthephotos.Asnapshotofalittleboyliftingafishonaboat

wouldforeverbeetchedinmymindastheimageIwaslookingatwhenIheardthosewordscomeout
ofthedoctor’smouth.Therestofthatone-sidedconversationwasablurthatIcouldonlyrecallbits
andpiecesof.

AuditoryHallucinations
Delusions
Anti-psychotics
Manageablewithmeds
Nocure
Nocure
Nocure
Hewassendingushomewithafewprescriptionsformedicationstostart.
Ivytookmyhandaswewalkedthroughthehospital’srevolvingdoorsthatsymbolizedournew

normal,inandoutofhospitalsuntilIwouldeventuallyreachmybreakingpoint.

CHAPTER22

ItookacabfromthehospitaltomysisterAllison’shouseinBrookline.Ivyhadstayedsleeping,

soIdecidedtogetsomesleepmyself.I’dgobacktothehospitalinthemorning.

IhadplacedaquickcalltoNinaaroundmidnight,lettingherknoweverythingwasokayhereand

toreassureheraboutus,butIcouldtellbythetoneofhervoice,shewasscared.Whocouldblameher?
Sheneededtoknowwhatthefuckwasgoingonwithme,butIwasn’tabouttotellhereverythingabout
Ivyoverthephone.

AllisonandCedrichadabigVictorian-stylehousewithplentyofspace,soIalwayscrashedin

theirguestroomonweekends.Theyweren’texpectingmeonaweeknight,though.Iknewmynieces
wouldbeasleepandhopedsomeonewouldbeuptoletmein.

CricketschirpedasIwaitedoutfrontwonderingifIshouldtextoneoftheircellphonesbecauseI

didn’twanttoringthedoorbellandwakethegirls.

Then,Irememberedthatmysisterleftasparekeyunderarockinthesideyard,soIgrabbedit

andletmyselfin.

MyeyesnearlybledasIenteredthelivingroomtothesightofCedric’sbareass…whilehewas

mountingmysisteronthecouch.

Icoveredmyface.“Aw,man,whatthe—”
“Jake?”Iheardmysister’svoicebutrefusedtoopenmyeyes.
“Whatthefuckareyoudoinghereonaweekdayinthemiddleofthenight?”Cedricgrowled.
“Haven’tyouguysheardofabedroom?”Isaidwithmyeyesstillshut.
Cedricchimedin.“Haven’tyouheardofafuckingknock?”
WhenIopenedmyeyesandgotalookatmysister,Icouldn’thelpbutlaugh.Shewaswearingred

thighhighbootsandwasdressedas…oh,Christ.“Seriously?Whatthehellareyouwearing?Areyou
supposedtobefuckingWonderWoman?”

Allisonblushedandcoveredherface.“Shutup.Helikesit.SometimesIwearit.”
“Gross.That’smysister,dude.Youareonesickfuck.”IglaredatCedric.
Hesneeredashefinishedputtingonhissweatpants.“That’llteachyoutobargeintoourhousein

themiddleofthenight.”

“Yeah,I’mgonnafuckingneedtherapy,”Isaid,causingAllisontolaugh.
Then,hertoneturnedserious.“Jake…whathappened?Whyareyouhere?Iseverythingokay?”
Iletoutadeepbreath.“Iflewhomethisafternoon.It’sIvy.She’sokay,butshe’sinthehospital

again.Theyfoundhernakedontheroofofthegrouphome.Sheclaimsshewastryingtogetair.They
thoughtshewastryingtojump.Whoknowswhatreallyhappened.It’safuckingmess.Thedoctorwants
metotrythismedicationthatmighthavesomeserioussideeffects.She’sfine,fornow,though…stable.
She’llbeinthehospitalforafewdays,sameasalwayswhenthishappens.I’mwiped.”

Itwassadthatneitherofthemseemedshocked.Butthetruthwas,youbecameimmunetoitafter

yearsofthesamepatternwithIvy.

Iwasabouttogoupthestairstotheguestroomwhenmysistercameupfrombehindmeand

pulledmeintoahug.“I’msosorryyouhavetodealwiththis.You’reafriggin’saint,youknowthat?I
loveyou.”

“Iloveyou,too.Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,Jake,”CedricsaidasIwashalfwayupthestairs.
WhenIenteredthedarkroom,Ipulledoffmyshoes,undressedandcollapsedontothebed.As

tiredasIwas,Icouldn’tsleep,tossingandturning,worriedaboutthemedicationdecisionIhadtomake.
So,Idecidedtotakeashowerintheguestbathroom.

ItwasthefirsttimesincetheplaneridethatIallowedmymindtoescapebackintothoughtsof

Nina.Iwouldhavegivenanythingtohavehertherewithmeunderthewater.Withmyeyesclosed,I
achedtobeinsideofheragain.Ithadbeenonlytwenty-fourhours,butitfeltlikeaneternityago.

Sexwithherhadbeenincredible,betterthanIhadimaginedit…thebestIeverhad.Shewasso

eager,sowet,anditturnedmeontonoend,knowingIwasthefirstguytoevermakehercomelikethat.
Wediditasmanytimesandindifferentwaysaswecoulduntilthestripofcondomswasgone.Then,we
gotcreativeandusedourmouthsanddidn’tstopforhours.ItwasthemostsexIhadeverhadinone
sittinginmyentirelife,anditstillwasn’tenough.Iguessthat’swhatmonthsofmindnumbingsexual
frustrationwilldotoyou.

Ilickedmylipsrememberinghowsweetshetastedandsqueezedsomeshampoooutofthebottle

tojerkmyselfoff.IpretendedIwaspumpingintoherandcamewithinsecondsasIthoughtabouthowshe
lookedatmewiththosebeautifulinnocentblueeyeswhensheclimaxed.Herblondehairwasspreadout
alloverthepillowlikespungold.

Backinbed,IprayedthatIwouldgettoexperienceallofthatagainwithherandthatshewould

justletmeloveher,despiteallofmybaggage.SomethingtoldmeIwouldneedthoseprayersbecauseI
hadafeelingitwasn’tgoingtobethatsimple.

***

Thenextmorning,Iwokeuptofindonenieceoneachsideofmepullingmeoutofbed.They

beggedmetotakethemtoschool,whichturnedouttobeawelcomedistraction.Idecidedtogobackto
thehouseafterwardforsomebreakfastbeforereturningtothehospitalfortherestoftheday.

Allisondidn’thavetoworkuntilnoon,andCedricdecidedtogointoworklate,sotheywereboth

havingbreakfasttogetherintheirmassivekitchenwhenIwalkedin.Ihadafeelingtheywerewaitingto
grillmeaboutstuff.IhadconfidedinthemaboutmyobsessionwithNinaoverChristmas.EventhoughI
hadbeenstrugglingwithguilt,theybothhadencouragedmetopursueher.

“Hey,”IsaidasIwalkedin.
“Hey,littlebrother,”Allisonsaidsmiling.
Igrabbedsomecerealandsatdownatthetable,noticingtheywerebothstaringatme.
“What’sgoingon?”Iasked.
Allisonlaughed.“Ishouldbeaskingyouthat.Bythelookonyourface,somethingisgoingon.”
“Whatareyougettingat?”
Iknewwhatshewasgettingat.
“Shewantstoknowwhathappenedwithblondie,butshe’swaitingforyoutotellherbecauseshe

doesn’twanttoseemlikethenosysisterthatsheis,”Cedricsaid,givingAllisonapeckonthecheekafter
shenudgedhim.

Mymouthwasfullofcereal.“Ah,Isee.Youreallywanttoknowwhathappened?”
Sheleanedin.“Yes.”
Suddenly,thetoneoftheconversationchangedfromjovialtoserious.Isighed,pushedmybowl

awayandansweredher.“Everythingfuckinghappened,almostatonce,andImightbeabouttoloseitall
justasfast.”

“Youmean…you…”
Inodded.“Yes,multipletimes.AndItoldherIlovedher.Iam…inlovewithher.”
Cedriceyeswidened.“Whoa.Thatserious,huh?”
“I’veneverbeenmoreseriousaboutanythinginmylife.Theproblemis,Ihaven’thadachanceto

tellheraboutIvy.Ihadplannedtotellhereverythinglastnightbuthadtoflyhereinstead.Sheknows
nothing,andIthinkImightbefoolingmyselfintothinkingthatshe’sgoingtoacceptitall.”

Heshookhishead.“You’dbesurprisedwhatpeoplecanacceptwhentheyloveeachother.Ifshe

trulycaresaboutyou,she’llfindaway.Lookatyoursisterandme…allthatIhadkeptfromherwhenwe
firststarteddating.Butwegotthroughitbecauseweweremeanttobe.”

Allisonreachedoutformyarm.“Iwantyoutobehappy,andthisgirlclearlymakesyouhappy.I

hadneverseenyouwiththelookinyoureyesthatyouhadoverChristmaswhenyoufirsttoldmeabout
her.YouhavesufferedaloneforfiveyearswithIvy.Youhaveyourwholelifeaheadofyou.Youarethe
mostloyalpersonIknow.ThatiswhatIloveaboutyou…howyouarewithHannahandHollyandhow
you’realwaysthereforme.Youlovehard,butinthiscase,that’salsobeenacurse.Nooneyourage
shouldbeexpectedtolivelikeyouhavebeen,Jake…noone.Youdeservetohavethekindoflovethat
fulfillsyou,likeIhavewithCedricandnotfeelguiltyorlikeyoudon’tdeservethatbecauseofthehand
you’vebeendealt.”

“IknowIdeserveit,butit’snotthatsimple.Ican’tjustfuckingleaveIvy.Imadeavow.What

wouldhappentoher?I’mallshehas.Mynameisoneverything.She’sonmyinsurance.Ihavepowerof
attorney.WhoeverI’mwithisgoingtoneedtounderstandthat.WhatifNinacan’t?ThisiswhyIdidn’t
wanttogetinvolvedwithanyone.Ninadoesn’tdeservetobedraggedintothis.”

“DoyouloveIvy?”Allisonasked.
“Idon’tthinkIevenknewwhatbeinginlovewasuntilImetNina…eating,sleepingandbreathing

someone,feelinglikeIcan’tlivewithouther.IthoughtwhatIfeltforIvywhenwewereeighteenwas
love.Lookingback,itwasmoreinfatuation.Buttoansweryourquestion,IdoloveIvyinthesameway
thatIloveyou.”

“So,you’restayingmarriedtosomeoneyoulovelikeasisterbecauseyou’reafraidofwhatwill

happentoher?Don’tyoueverwanttohaveafamilysomeday?”

“Iwantthat,sis.Ido.YouknowhowmuchIlovethetwins.Iwouldlovetohavekidsofmyown.

ButIprettymuchwrotethatoffwhenIvygotsick.Ineverthoughtaboutthosekindsofthingsagainuntil
Nina.ButdivorcingIvy…Ijustdon’tknowhowIwouldlivewithmyselfifIdidthatandsomething
happenedtoher.”

Cedricputhiscoffeedownandlookedatme.Thatdudehassomeintenseblueeyes.“Letmetell

yousomethingIlearnedalongtimeago,Jake.Lovehasnoconscience.Itdoesn’tknowrightorwrong.
It’safeelingyoucan’tshakethatpenetratesyoursoul,anditcannotbebroken.Ifyou’retrulyinlovewith
thisgirl,that’snotgoingtochangenomatterwhatyourlifecircumstancesare.Timewilltellwhetherit’s
trueloveornot.Ifitis,youwon’tbeabletolivewithouther.Endofstory.”Helookedatmysister.

Iknewhewasright.
Allisongotupfromthetableandhuggedme.“Wejustwanttoseeyouhappy.We’llhelpinany

waywecan.DivorcingIvydoesn’thavetomeandesertingher.I’lllookintoalternativeinsuranceplans
andstateaid.We’llhelp,evenifCedricandIhavetopayforsomeoftheexpenses.We’vealready
discussedit.”

Iwouldneverletthemdothat,butdamn,Itrulyhadthebestfamilyintheworld.
“Iamnotreadytothinkaboutdivorce,Al.JustletmetellNinawhat’sgoingonfirst,andthen

we’llseehowshereacts.”

***

“Hi,babygirl.”
IvywaslookingoutthehospitalwindowwhenIarrived.Sheturnedaround,smiledandrantome,

givingmethebiggesthugIhadgottenfromherinawhile.

“There’smyhandsomeman,”shesaid.
Mystomachwasinknotswithguilt.SheandIhadn’thadanintimaterelationshipinyears,but

sometimes,itwaslikehermindwouldrevertbacktothepastforafleetingmoment.Itcameinwavesand
neverlasted.Itfreakedmeoutwhenithappened.

“Howareyoufeeling?”
“Sogood…sogood,”shesaidleaningherheadonmychest.
“IwanttospendthewholedaywithyoubeforeIhavetogobacktoNewYork,butI’llbeback

againthisweekend.”

Shepulledbackabruptly.“Wherewereyoulastnight?”
“Iwasherethewholetimeuntilyounoddedoff.Then,IwenttoAllisonandCedric’stosleep.”
“Whydidyouleave?”
“Ijusttoldyou.”
“Whatwereyoureallydoing?”
“Sleeping,Ivy.”
“Idon’tbelieveyou.”
Herewego.Itwasalwayslikealightswitch.
“WheredoyouthinkIwas?”
“Ithinkyouwerewiththem.”
“Withwho?”
“Withthepolice.”
“No,babygirl.Nopolice.”
“You’retryingtogetmeoutofthecountryagain,aren’tyou?”
ItwaspointlesstodefendmyselfinanygreatdetailwhenIvy’sparanoiastarteduplikethis.I

learnedovertime,itwasbettertojustsimplydenywhatshewasaccusingmeofwithoneortwoword
answers.Ifshebecameoverlyupsetatme,Iwouldjustleaveuntilshecalmeddown.

“No,Ivy.”
“Ican’tbelieveyou’redoingthisagain.Whyareyoutryingtogetridofme?”
“I’mnot.”
“Don’tyouloveme?”
“Iloveyouverymuch.”
“Then,whyareyoutryingtohurtme?”
“Ivy—”
“Getout!GetoutofherebeforeIscream!”
Ilookedupattheceiling,focusingonacrackinthepaintasshecontinuedtoyell.Ireallydidn’t

wanttoleavehersinceIhadtogobacktoNewYorktonight.Whenshestartedtopushme,Ilefttheroom
toseeifIcouldtalktothedoctor.Afterafifteen-minutewait,Dr.Greallycameouttothesittingareaand
askedmetogobacktoheroffice.

“HaveyoumadeanydecisionsabouttryingtheClozapine?”
“Iamstillonthefence.IamnotaroundduringtheweekbecauseIworkoutofstate,andIam

worriedabouttheside-effects.Idon’tknowifIcantrusttheworkersatthegrouphometokeeptabson
her.”

“We’llhavethesocialworkermakesureshegetstothelabsafelyeachweekforthebloodwork.I

canalsododailycheck-inswiththesupervisoroverthere.Ifthereisanyindicationthatshe’s
experiencinganythingabnormal,wecanalwaysstopit.”

“Okay…I’llletyouknowinacoupleofmoredays,ifthat’sokay?”
“Takeyourtime.”
WhenIreturnedtoIvy’sroom,shehadthetelevisiononandwaswatchinganepisodeofHouse

Hunters,thatrealestateshowwherethepeoplehavetopickbetweenthreehousestobuy.Isatdownnext
toherandsearchedherfacetoseeifIwaswelcomeagain.

Shelookedatme.“Idon’tknowwhichonetheyaregoingtopick.It’satoughdecision.”
Ihalf-smiled.
Yes,itis.
Ileanedmyheadonhershoulder,andwespentthenexthourwatchingtelevision,beforeshesent

meawayagain.

CHAPTER23

NinaneverrespondedwhenItextedherfromtheairportaboutsixo’clockthatnight,lettingher

knowIwasgettingonthenextcommuterflighthome.Thatwasunlikeherandmademeuneasy,especially
knowingIwasgoingtobecomingcleantoherabouteverythingtonight.

BythetimeIlandedatJFK,therewasstillnoresponse.Itwasraining,andIcouldn’tseemto

catchacab.

Fuck.
WhenIfinallyhailedone,Itextedheragain.

IaminacabonmywaytoBrooklyn.Pleaseletmeknowyougotthis.

Noresponse.
Afterfiveminutes,stillnothing.
Idialedhernumberthreetimesinarowandherphonewentstraighttovoicemaileachtime.Ileft

amessageafterthefourthcall.

“Nina,it’sme.I’mstartingtoworry.Youhaven’trespondedtomeallday.I’malmostatthehouse.

IguessI’llseeyouinafew.Callmeifyougetthis.Iloveyou.”

Shenevercalledmeback,andbythetimethecabpulleduptothehouse,afeelingofdreadcame

overme.

WhenIopenedthedoortotheapartment,Iyelled,“Nina?”beforerealizingthatnoonewashome.

Idouble-checkedherbedroom.Itwasempty.

Sittingonherbedwithonehandonmyheadandtheotheronthephone,Itextedheragain.

Iamhome.Whereareyou?You’vegotmeworriedsick.

Ilaydownonmyback,tossingthephoneacrossthebed.
Fiveminuteslater,Ilookedoveratherclosetandnoticedthatthesmallpinksuitcaseshenormally

keptunderneathherhangingclotheswasgone.

Hersuitcasewasgone.
Whatthefuck?
Ibegantopacetheroom,rubbingmytemples.
Think.
Think.
Think.
Then,thefrontdoorslammedshut,andIranouttothelivingareatoseeRyanstandingthere.
“Ryan,whereisNina?”
Heshookhisheadwithasmuglook.“Youhavegotsomenerve,youknowthat?”
“Excuseme?”
“YouwillnotfindoutwhereNinais.Youwillstaythefuckawayfromher.Doyouunderstand

me?”

Mybloodwasboiling,andIwasreadytopounce,butIdecidedtoplayitcooluntilIcouldfind

outwhereshewas.Thatwasallthatmattered.

“Whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout,Ryan?”
“Iamtalkingaboutthefactthatyoufuckedmybestfriend,thentookofftoBostontofuckyour

wife,youdirtymotherfucker.”

Myheartfeltlikeitwasgoingtoleapoutofmychest.
No.
Thiscouldnotbehappening.
Myhandsbegantoshake,andIhadtoclenchmyfiststokeepfromthrowingapunch.
MyvoicewaslowasIspokethroughgrittedteeth,resistingtheurgetochargeathim.“What…did

you…tellher?”

“Youknow,Ialwaysknewsomethingwasn’trightwithyou.Afterhavingtolistentoyoufuckher

tentimesinthemiddleofthenight,Iwassureashellgoingtomakesureshewasn’tgettinginvolvedwith
someoneshady.Whenyoudidn’tcomehomeMondaynight,thatwasit.Ilookedyourinformationupin
thedatabaseatworkthenextdayandguesswhatcameup?Yourfuckingmarriagelicense!Everything
madesenseallofasudden…yourBostontrips,yoursecrecy—”

Ryan’sheadslammedagainstthewallafterIgrabbedhiminachokehold.Mybreathingwas

erratic.“Youdon’tknowanythingaboutme.Youthinkyoufigureditallout,butyoudon’tknowshit
aboutmylife!Now,tellmewhereNinaisormyhandsstaywheretheyare.”

Hedidn’thavethestrengthtobreakfreeorspeak,sohespitinmyface.
“Tell…me…where…Nina…is,”Irepeatedthroughmyteeth,tighteningtheholdwitheachword.
HisheadbouncedbackandhitthewallasIreleasedhim.
Hecoughed.“She’sstayingwithafriend,butshedoesn’twanttoseeyou.”
Thatstung.
IstoodthereglaringatRyan.WhenIcalmeddown,Idecidedthatconsideringheknewnothing

aboutmysituation,Icouldn’tblamehimforthinkinghewasprotectingher.Ineededtocalmdownand
playnicetofindoutwhereshewas.

“Listen,IamnotgoingtoexplaineverythingtoyouuntilI’vehadachancetotalktoher.It’snot

whatyouthink.Iamlegallymarried,yes,butithasn’tbeenamarriageintherealsenseforyears.It’s
complicated,okay?Ivy…she’smentallyill.Shelivesinahome.IrushedbacktoBostonbecausethey
thoughtshetriedtokillherself.”Irubbedmytemplesinfrustration.

Ryanjuststoodtherespeechless.
Whatdoyouhavetosaynow,asshole?
“Ifthisistrue,Ireallydon’tevenknowwhattosay.YoushouldhavetoldNinayouweremarried

andyoucertainlyshouldn’thavesleptwithher.”

Iwasn’tgoingtowastetimeexplainingmyactionstohimwhentheonlypersonthatdeservedan

explanationwasNina.

“Whereisshe,Ryan?”
“She’scrashingwithMrs.Ballsworthy’sdaughter.ShecamebyrightafterNinafoundoutabout

you.Dariahadstoppedintogiveherathankyoubasketandsawhercrying.Ipulledherasideandtold
herwhathappened.SheinsistedNinacomestaywithherforatleastafewdays.ShelivesinPark
Slope.”

“What’stheaddress?”
“IpromisedherIwouldn’ttellyou.”
“Ryan,Ilikeyou.Ido.So,I’mgonnabeupfrontandtellyouthatI’mgoingtobeatthesnotoutof

youifyoudon’ttellme,andIreallydon’twanttohavedothat.”

Hehuffedandpulledouthisphone,textingmetheaddress.
“Thankyou,”IsaidasIranoutthedoor.

***

Itookadeepbreathandtriedtogathermythoughtsbeforeenteringthebrownstone.Thefrontdoor

wasopen,butyouhadtogetbuzzedintoentertheseconddoor.IpressedthebuttonforUnitSix.

Awoman’svoiceblastedthroughstatic.“Hello?”
“Hi,thisisJake.IknowNinaisstayingwithyouanddoesn’twanttoseeme,butplease,Ineedto

talktoher.CanIcomeup?”

Silence.
Itfeltlikeitwentonforaneternity.Then,camemorestatic.“I’msorry,Jake.Shedoesn’twantto

seeyou.Pleaseleave.”

Ipressedthebuzzeragainbutnoresponse.Thiswentonforaboutfifteenminuteswithnoluck.

Theywerejustignoringme.

Iwentbackoutsideandwalkedaroundtothebackofthebuildingtoseeiftherewereany

windows.Afireescapeleduptothesixthfloor.IfIcouldgetupthereandknockonawindow,maybe
theywouldseehowseriousIwasandletmein.Shit,IwouldcampouthereallnightifIhadto.

Ibegantocrawlupthefireescape,unsureofwhethertheapartmentatthetopwaseventheright

one.WhenIgottothesixthlevel,Ilookedinthewindowatadark,emptyroom.JustasIwasaboutto
knockonthewindowandbegwhoeverlivedtheretoletmein,alightcameon.

Thesightofhernearlyknockedthewindoutofme.Ninaclosedthedoorandsatdownonthebed.

Shedidn’tseeme.Herbeautifullonghaircoveredherfaceasshecriedintoherhands,hershoulders
shakingupanddown.Then,shelookedupattheceilingandmutteredsomethingtoherself.IfeltlikeI
wasabouttosuffocateasIwatchedhersufferingbecauseofme.IhatedmyselfforcausingthepersonI
lovedmorethananythingsomuchpain.Itwastearingmeapart.Ididn’twanttoscareher,butIneededto
dosomething.

HerbodyjoltedwhenIknockedontheglass.Herhandoverherheart,sheturnedandnoticedme

staringthroughthewindow.

“Nina…letmein.”
Shesattherejustlookingatme,herchestrisingupanddown.
“Letmein,”Irepeated.“I’mnotgoingaway.Youhavetoletmeexplain.”
Shestayedfrozen,herbeautifuleyes,darkagainforthefirsttimesinceImether.
“Please…Iloveyou,”Isaid.
ItpainedmetothinkthatsheprobablythoughtIwasahorriblepersonwhowasusingher.
Idecidedtoattempttocarefullybreakthroughthewindow,butlowandbehold,itopenedrightup.

Icrawledthroughandcloseditbehindme.

Itsickenedmewhenshebackedawayandleanedagainstthewallontheoppositesideofthe

room.Ididn’twanttoupsether,soIkeptmydistance.

“Nina…it’snotwhatyouthink.”
Atearfellfromhercheek.
Idecidedtogetrighttoit.Thisstoryneededtobetoldfromthebeginning,andIonlyhadone

chancetodoitright.Isatdownonthebedandtookadeepbreath,lookingawayfromhersadface.

“IwaseighteenwhenImetIvy.ShewaslikenooneIhadeverencounteredbefore…sofulloflife

andvibrant.ThefirsttimeIsawher,shewasdancinginthemiddleofatorrentialrainstorm.Iwalkedup
toherandmadesmalltalk.Wemadeplansforlaterthatnight.Shewasaguitarist,playedsomesmallgigs
andIwenttoseeherperforminacoffeehouse.Ijustthoughtshewasreallycool.Iguessitwas

infatuation.Webecameinseparableandstarteddating.Aboutsixmonthslater,wegotalittledrunkone
night,andshedecidedthatitwouldbeabrilliantideatohopthenextflighttoVegasandgetmarried.
WhatdidIknow?Iwasanimpulsiveteenagerwithahotgirlfriendandfigureditwouldmakeareally
coolstorysomedaytosayIgotmarriedbyElvis.IthoughtIknewwhatlovewasthen.IthoughtIloved
herenoughtospendtherestofmylifewithher.”

IlookedoveratNinatogaugeherreaction,andshewaslookingdownattheground.
“ThatVegastripwasjustaboutmylastgoodmemory…untilImetyou.Anyway,wemovedin

togetherafterthat.Myfamilywaspissedatmeforeloping.Mysisterdidn’ttalktomeforweeks.They
didn’tlikeherandthoughtshewasabadinfluence.ButIwasstillinthehoneymoonphaseanddidn’tcare
whatanyonethought.Aboutsixmonthslater,ourrelationshipbegantochange.Shestartedcallinginsick
alottoworkandstoppedgoingtoherclasses.Wewerefightingallthetimeaboutherbehavior.Istarted
torealizethatgettingmarriedwasareallybigmistake.I’dgethomefromwork,andshe’daccusemeof
havingaffairsallday.Then,thenextday,shewouldtellmeshewashearingvoicesandthattheywere
tellingherIwastryingtokillherandthatshe’dbetterkillherselfbeforeIgottoher.Atfirst,Ithoughtit
wasjuststress,becauseshehadrecentlylosthermothertoaheartattack.Shehadnootherfamily,except
me.Everyday,though,itwassomethingdifferent.Theerraticbehaviorwentonformonths.Oneday,she
showedupatmyjobandinfrontofmyco-workers,screamedabouthowIwastryingtopoisonher.That
waswhenItookhertothehospitalforthefirsttime.Bythetimeweleft,shehadbeendiagnosedwith
schizophrenia.”

IturnedtolookatNina,whowasnowlookingbackatme.
“Alotofpeoplecanliveverynormalliveswithit,becauseitcanbemanagedwithmedication.

Wetriedeverymedicationoutthere,Nina.Nothingworked.Theycallhercondition‘treatment-resistant’
now.Shewasinandoutofhospitals,andIjustcouldn’ttakecareofheranymore.Iwasworriedshe’d
killherselfwhileIwasatwork.So,aboutayearaftershegotthediagnosis,Ireachedmybreakingpoint
andputherinagrouphome.Shortlyafterthat,IgotajobofferIcouldn’trefuseinNewYorkwiththe
kindofbenefitsIneededtohelptakecareofher.ShemademepromiseIwouldvisithereveryweekend.
Thatwasfouryearsago,andI’vekeptthatpromise.”

Ninaletoutadeepbreath.IstoppedtalkingforafewsecondstoletherprocesswhatIhadtold

hersofar.Shefinallywhispered,“Jake…I—”

“Please…don’tsayanythingyet.Ineedtofinishthis.”
Shenodded.
“Iwasscaredshitlessthosefirstcoupleofyears,butovertime,itjustbecamemynormal.The

wayIsawit,Ihadmademybed,andIhadtolieinit.IconvincedmyselfthatIcouldhandleit.Iwasjust
a20-year-old.TwentyfuckingyearsoldandIwastakingcareofmymentallyillwife.Afterthosefirst
twoyears,ourrelationshipchanged.Itbecamelesslikehusbandandwifeandmorelikebrotherand
sister.Wehaven’tbeenintimatesinceshemovedtothegrouphomeoverfouryearsago.Eveninthe
monthsbeforethat,itwasalmostnon-existent,andwhenithappened,itdidn’tevenfeelrightanymore.I
wascelibateforalongtime.Then,acoupleofyearsago,IstartedseekingoutwomenIknewIcoulduse
asanescapewithnostrings.Ihadneeds,andIwassofuckinglonely.”

“WomenlikeDesiree,”shewhispered.
Inodded.
“Ihadacceptedthatfate.Mylifewasallplannedout,andthatwasit.I’dstaylegallymarriedto

IvysoshecouldhavemybenefitsandsoIcouldlookoutforher,andtherestofmylifewouldbe
separate.Iwasbasicallydeadinside…untilyou.”

Sheturnedtome.“Whathappenedtheothernight…whenyouhadtogotoBoston?”
“Theythoughtshetriedtokillherself.Theyfoundherontheroof.Nooneknowswhatreally

happened.”

Ninaclosedhereyesasifmywordshurt.“So,youweregoingtotellmeallofthisthenightwe

—”

“Yes.Yes,Nina.Iwasgoingtotellyoueverythingandhopethatbysomemiracle,you’dstillwant

tobewithme.”

Shewalkedoverandsatnexttomeonthebed.Iinhaledhervanillascent.Iwantedtoholdherso

badlyandburymynoseinherhairbutheldback,unsureofwherethingsstood.Shereachedformyhand
andsqueezeditandmybodyrelaxed.Wejustsatlikethatforminutes.Myheartwasbreakingwitheach
secondthatpassed.Thesilencewaskillingme.“Nina,talktome,”Ifinallysaid,myvoicehoarse.

“Idon’tknowwhattosay,Jake.Iamsoconfusedrightnow.Ispentthepastfewhoursfilledwith

hatetowardyou.Ithoughtyouweresneakingaroundonyourwifewithme.Ineverwantedtoseeyou
again.Andnow…Idon’tknowwhattofeel.Thiswasalottotakein.”

Ishookmyheadinunderstanding,butinside,Iwasshittingabrick.Idon’tknowwhatotherkind

ofreactionIexpected.

WhatIwantedtosaywas,“yousaidyou’dneverleaveme.”WhatIactuallysaidwas,“Iknow

thisisashockandcanonlyimaginehowyoufeel.YouneedtoknowhowmuchIloveyouandhow
you’vechangedmylife.”

Hereyeswerewateringagain.“Areyougoingtostaymarriedtoher?”
“IneverplannedtodivorceherbecauseIneverplannedtofallinlovewithsomeone.Idon’t

knowwhatwouldhappentoherifweweren’tlegallymarried,whatrightsI’dhavewhenitcametoher
care.IstillhavetodoalotofresearchbeforeIcutthosetieslegally.Iwouldneverbeabletoabandon
her,Nina.She’salwaysgoingtobeapartofmylife.Butifdivorcingherisaconditionofbeingwithyou,
thenIamtellingyourighthereandnowthatIwilldoit.”

“Iwouldneverexpectyoutoabandonher,Jake.That’shorrible.Ihopeyoudidn’tthinkthat’s

whatImeantwhenIaskedifyouweregoingtostaymarried.”

ThankGod.
“Ididn’tthinkthat.Iamgladyouunderstand.”
Shecontinued.“ButIjustcan’tbewithyouifyouaremarried.Ican’tsleepwithamarriedman.”
Fuck.Wherewasthisgoing?
“Idon’tconsidermyselfcommittedtoherinthatwayanymore.Therewouldbenomarriageifit

weren’tformywantingtobeabletomakesuresheiscaredfor.Icanunderstandyourpoint,though.Iam
stilllegallymarriedtosomeoneelse.”

Justbewithme,Nina.
Sheletoutadeepsigh.“Dariaaskedmetomoveinwithher.Thisisanextraroom,andshehad

beenlookingforaroommateanyway.Ithinkit’sbestifweliveapartwhilewetrytofigurethingsout.”

No.Ican’tfuckinglivewithoutyou.
“Okay.Ifthat’swhatyouneed.”
ItfeltlikeIwaslosingher.
“Iamstillinshock,okay?Ineedsometimetoletthissetin.”
Yousaidyou’dneverleaveme.
Iputmyhandonherkneeasmychesttightenedinagony.“Anythingyouneed.”

CHAPTER24

Ifellintoadeepdepressionoverthenextcoupleofweeks.Ninamovedtherestofherstuffout,

andthenewsemesterhadjuststarted,soIhadn’tseenhermuch.

Wemetinaparktotalkoneafternoon.Sheseemeddisconnectedandwasn’tmakingmucheye

contactwhenIansweredsomequestionsshehad.SheaskedmeagainexactlyhowlongithadbeensinceI
hadbeenintimatewithIvyandhowmanywomenIhadsleptwithsince.Shewasfidgetyandseemed
distressed.Iwashonestwithherabouteverything,butitfeltlikewehadtakenastepbackwards.

Iwenthomethatnightpissedatlifeandendeduppunchingaholethroughthewallinmyroom.

Theclincherwas,afterseeingher,Ifeltmoreinlovewithherthanever.Thatdesperateneedtotakeaway
thedarknessthathadreturnedtohereyeswasoverwhelmingme.Ihadbeendyingtotouchherasshesat
acrossfrommeonthatbench.Shewaswearingawhitewoolcoatandlookedlikeasnowangel,hernose
andcheeksrosyfromthecoldair.

Thatwasoveraweekago.Now,Icouldn’tevenwalkbyheremptyroomwithoutgettingangry.

Onenight,Ilaydownonherstrippedmattress,staringattheceilingandwallowinginthememoriesof
ourfirstandlastnighttogetherinthisroom.Iopenedherbedsidedrawerandslammeditshutoutof
frustrationafterfindingeverysinglepaperbatIevermadeher.

Mostly,IwasmadatmyselfbecauseIhadn’tgrowntheballstoconfrontIvyaboutadivorce.The

timingwasbadbecauseshehadjuststartedthatnewriskymedication.Iwashopingthatifitgaveher
someclarity,itwouldmakeiteasiertoexplaineverythingtoher.So,Iwaswaiting,butithadn’tkickedin
yet.Wehadnoguaranteesthatiteverwould,especiallywhennothinghadeverworkedforher.

Themoredaysthatpassed,themoreafraidIwasthatNinawasgoingtomoveonandrealizethat

shewastoogoodformeandallofmybaggage.Ihadaskedhertowaitforme,buthowrealisticwasthat
whenIhadnoideahowlongadivorcewouldtake?ThatassholeRyanwasprobablyplanninganother
blinddateforheraswespeak.Iknewinmyguthewasworkingagainstme.Ineededtokeepaneyeon
him.

OneThursdayafternoon,ItoldmybossIwasgoinghomesick,butreally,IwassickoverNina.I

walkedaroundthecityaimlesslyuntilIdecidedIjustneededtogotoher.Ihoppedthenexttrainbackto
Brooklyn,unsureofwhatIwasgoingtosayordo.Ineededtoknowwherethingsstood.AndIjust
wantedtoseeher,burymynoseinherhairandtellherthatIlovedher.Itwasherdayofffromschool,so
Iwascountingonherbeingthere.

Afterbuzzingthedoorbellseveraltimes,therewasnoansweratherapartment.Desperate,Ieven

climbedupthefireescapeontheoffchanceshewasinherroomanddidn’thearmeringing.Herwindow
shadewasdown.Iknockedonthewindow,butshewasn’tthere.Isentheratext.

Ireallyneedtoseeyou.

Igotnoresponseafterfiveminutesofwaitingoutsideherdoorstep.
Mymindwentcrazywonderingwhereshecouldbe,atonepoint,imaginingthatshewasoutwith

anotherguy.AjealousinsecuritylikeIhadneverfeltinmylifestartedbrewinginsideme.Isenther
anothertext:

Whereareyourightnow?

Whentherewasstillnoreply,Ithrewmyphone,andthescreencracked.
Fuck.

***

WhenIgotbacktomyapartment,thankfully,myroommatesweren’thomesinceitwasstilllate

afternoon.Ryanmadenosecretofthefactthathedidn’twantmewithNina,soheandIavoidedeach
other.Iprettymuchkeptoutofthelivingareaentirelywhenhewashome.Iwasneverquitesurewhich
teamTarahwason.

WhenIopenedthedoortomybedroom,myentirebodyshudderedinshock.
Thesightofbeautifulblondehaircascadingdownthesideofmybedstoppedmeinmytracks.
Shewassleepinginmybed.
Ninawasoutlikealight,herbodyrisingandfallingslowlywitheachbreath.Istoodfrozenafew

feetaway,notwantingtowakeher.

Inoticedherphoneonmydesk,withthelitupnotificationofmytexts.Shewasn’tignoringme;

shewasasleep…inmybed…theentiretime.

MyheartfilledwithloveandmybodywithdesireasIsatdownnexttothebed,takinginher

beautifulsilhouettecurledupontopofmycomforter.Witheachpassingminute,Ibecamemoreandmore
temptedtocurlupbesideherandholdher,butIstayedback,afraidifIwokeher,she’dleave.

IthoughtbacktotheothernightwhenIcouldhaveswornIsmelledheronmypillow.Ihad

assumeditwasmyimaginationplayingtricksonme.Ilaughedtomyselfnow,realizingtheprobability
wasgoodthatshehadactuallybeeninmybedthatday.Shewasalwaysalittlesneak.

Ilovedhersomuchithurt.
Afterabouttenminutes,herbodystirredandhereyesopened.Whenshenoticedmesittingthere,

shejumped.

Hereyesweregroggy.“Jake…I’msorry,I—”
“Shh.Baby,it’sokay.Ican’ttellyouhowhappyitmakesmethatyousleepinmybedwhenIam

inwork.Itmeansyou’rethinkingaboutme,andIcan’tstopfuckingthinkingaboutyou.Ihadtoleave
earlytoday,becauseIcouldn’tfocus.Iwenttoyourapartment.IfIhadknownyouwerehere…”

Shescootedupagainsttheheadboard.“Istillhavemykey,sosometimesIcomehere.”
Ireachedmyhandovertocuphercheek.SheclosedhereyeswhenIrubbedmythumbacrossher

face.Shestartedtotearup.Iwasgoingtoloseit.Anytimeshecriedbecauseofme,itfeltlikegetting
stabbedinthechest.

Iclimbedontothebedandplacedmyfaceonherstomach,afraidshe’dresist,butshedidn’t.

Instead,shecaressedmyhairwithhersoftfingertips.ThiswasexactlythecomfortandreassuranceI
needed,whatIhadbeendesperatelysearchingfortoday.Afirestormofemotionsthathadbeendormant
foryearseruptedinsideofme,andIcriedforthefirsttimeinmyadultlife.Itfeltliketheweightofthe
pastsixyearswasfinallycrushingme,andthecoreofherbodywastheonlyplaceIfeltsafeenoughtolet
go.

MyshouldersshookoverandoverasIburiedmyfaceintoher,mytearssoakingthroughthethin

fabricofhershirt.Sheheldmecloser,andIcouldhearhercryingtoo.Inthatmoment,Irealizedthedepth
ofherloveforme;Ijustworriedwhetherlovewouldbeenoughtoconquerthelackoftrustthatnow
existed.

Whenmytearsstopped,Isniffledandkeptmyheadonherstomach.Icouldn’tresistmovingmy

mouthoverherskin.Sheletoutasoftmoanthatmydickfeltinstantly.Theneedtobeinsidehergrewby
thesecond.Ibegantokissherstomachmoreurgently,grazingherwithmyteeth,nearlyrippinghershirt
asIpulledatthematerial.

Iknewshewasconflictedandcouldtellshewastensingup.Iunderstoodwhy.Ninawasvery

literalandsawthesituationascutanddry.Inhereyes,Iwasamarriedman,offlimits.Inmymind,a
pieceofpapercouldn’tdictatewhoownedmyheart.Andsheownedmeineverywaythatmattered.

Despiteherreservations,IalsoknewthatIhadastrongphysicaleffectonher.It’swhyshe’dbeen

stayingawayfrommethesepastfewweeks.HerbodyreactedtomefromtheveryfirstmomentImether.
Shewouldalwaysbuckleundermewiththeslightesttouch.That’salwaysmademecrazy.IfIkept
touchingherlikethis,itwasn’taquestionofwhethershewouldgiveintometodaybutwhen.Ijust
neededtodecidewhetherIwouldpush,knowingthatshehadaskedmeforspace.

Istartedtokisslowerandcouldalmosttasteher.
Fuckspace.
Ineededherlikemylifedependedonit,tocarrymethroughthenextfewweeks,whichwere

goingtobethemostdifficultofmylife.BecausethatcryIjusthadconfirmedwhatIalreadyknew.I
wouldbegoingthroughwithtellingIvyaboutthedivorce,becauseNinawastheloveofmylife,andI
couldn’tliveasecondlongerwithouther.

Inaninstant,mymouthwentlower,andIbegantodevourheroverthematerialofheryogapants.

Shepanted,thrustingherhipstomeetmymouth.

Wewereonthesamepagenow.
Ipulledherpantsandunderweardowntogetherslowly,andherbreathingbecameevenheavier

whenmytonguefoundherbareclit.IknewshelovedwhenIflickedmytongueringoveritfastand
repeatedly.Imoanedintoher.Herlegswererestless,andIsworeIcouldtastethatshewasgoingtocome
andwithinseconds,shedid.Whenshescreamedout,Ithoughtmycockwasgoingtoburstoutofmy
pants.

Imoveduptokissher,slippingmytongueinsidehermouthhungrily,aswegrindedagainsteach

other.Icouldfeelhowwetshewasthroughmyclothes.Iliftedhershirtoffandpulledherbradown,
takingturnssuckingoneachofherbeautifullightpinknipples.God,hertitsweregorgeous.Isqueezed
themtogetherandlickedupanddownthemiddleofthem.

Iwasinheavenagainforthefirsttimesincethenightwemadelove.
Todayfeltdifferentthough.Ihadbeencalmthatfirsttimeandwantedtotakemytimepleasingher

sothatshewouldneverforgetit.Butrightnow,Iwasstarving,feelingselfish,needyandoutofcontrol.I
wasdyingtobeinsideofherandneededtoknowthatshestilltrustedmeenoughtoletme.

Whensheputherhandsonmyass,Iunzippedmyjeansandpulledmyboxersdown,rubbingmy

rockhardcockagainstherslickopening.Ihadmeanttojustteaseheratfirst,butwithinseconds,Iwas
fullyinsideofherraw.Thefeelingwasindescribable.

Witheverymovement,IfeltlikeIwasclaimingher.ThatwaswhatIwantedtobelieve.BecauseI

couldn’tsurvivethethoughtofanyothermansomuchastouchingher.Thatthoughtmademecrazy,andI
fuckedherharder,bendingherlegsbackasfarastheywouldgosothatIcouldgetdeeperinside.Isucked
onherneckandsqueezedherasshard,wantingtobrandherwithmyhandsandmouth,too.

Witheachmovement,Igrowledinherear.
“Mybodybelongstoyou.”
“Myheartbelongstoyou.”
“Mysoulbelongstoyou.”
“Onlytoyou.”
Mythrustsgotharderwitheachword.“Do…you…understand…me?”

Iabruptlystoppedmovingwhenshedidn’tanswerme,pullingherfacetowardmineandsearching

hereyes.“Doyou?”

Shenodded,breathingheavilyandlookedlikeshewasabouttocryagain.
“Sayit.”
Shepantedandpulledmeintoher.“Yes.Iunderstand.”
Ifuckedherevenharder.Ifeltthemomenthermusclescontracted,andwhenshescreamedoutin

pleasure,Iletmyselfgo.“Allofyoubelongstome,Nina…tonooneelse…ever,”IsaidasIexploded
insideofher.

Mydickthrobbedinplaceforwhatseemedlikeseveralminutes.Inmyhead,Ihadbeenmarking

whatwasminebutstartedtofeelterrifiedoflosingheragain,thesecondIpulledoutofher.

“Iloveyousomuch,”Iwhisperedinherear.
Shedidn’tsayanything.IimmediatelybecameworriedthatIhadbeentooroughwithher.Welay

forawhiletogetherinsilencebeforeIstoodupandreachedoutmyhand.Shegrabbeditandsilently
followedmeintothebathroom.

Turningontheshower,Iheldherupagainstmeandkissedherbackslowlyaswewaitedforthe

watertowarm.

“Areyouokay?”Iwhispered.
“Yes,”shesaidleaningthebackofherneckagainstmymouth.
“Wasthattoomuchforyou?”
Sheshookherheadnoandpushedherassupagainstme.Jesus.IwashardagainasIpulledher

intothesteamyshower.

Underthewater,anotherprimalurgetotakeherstartedtobuildinsideme.IknewIneededto

controlmyselfthistimeandslowthingsdown.

Iaddedsomesoaptoaspongeandslowlywashedherfromheadtotoe,takingmytimeoverthe

contoursofherbodyandespeciallybetweenherlegs.

Shegrabbedthespongefromme,addingmoresoapandmoveditslowlyovermybody,kissing

mychestasshestrokedmycockbeforedroppingthespongetotheground.Shebentdownandlicked
slowlyoverthetipteasinglyasshelookedupatme.Whensheswallowedmewhole,Iclosedmyeyes,
pullingonherhairinecstasyasshesuckedmeoff.Icouldfeelthebackofherthroatandalmostcame
beforestoppingmyselfbecauseIneededtobeinsideofheragain.

Ipulledherupandheldheragainstmeunderthewaterforafewsecondstograbmybearings

becauseIdidn’twanttoberoughwithherthistime,butIwasfindingithardtobegentle.

Shesuckedonmybottomlipslowly,tuggingonmylipringwithherteeth.Thatdidmein.Ilifted

herupovermycockandburiedmyselfdeeplyinsideofher.

MymovementswereintentionallyslowandcontrolledasIheldheroverme,grippingherassasit

pushedagainstthetilewall.Mytonguewasdeepinhermouth,aswekissedfeverishly,matchingthe
rhythmofmythrusts.

Iwasstilltryinghardtogoslowwhenshebegantoridemycockharder,givingmepermissionto

releasemyinhibitions.Ihadbeendyingtotakeherfrombehindandcouldn’tholdoffanylonger.Ipulled
outofherandturnedheraroundsothatherperfectroundasswasfacingme.Iplacedbothofmyhandson
hercheeksandslippedimmediatelybackinsideofher.Thecontactofourwetskinmadeaslappingsound
asImovedinandout,completelyincapableofcontrollingmyself.

“Fuck…yourassissobeautiful,Nina.Iloveit.”
Shemoanedinresponseasshebalancedherselfwithherhandsonthetilewall.
“It’sallmine,”IsaidasIpoundedintoherharder.“All…mine.”
Hermusclesclenched,andthewetheatofhersuddenorgasmsetmeoff.WhenIcameinsideof

herthistime,itfeltsogoodthatitwasalmostpainful.Ishoutedoutlikeafuckingmaniacanditechoed

throughthebathroom.

Wecollapsedtotheshowerfloorandkissedunderthewater.Ipickedupthespongeandwashed

hergentlyagain,beforeturningthefaucetoff.

Grabbingatowel,IsqueezedthewateroutofherhairasIkisseddownthelengthofherbody

beforedryingmyself.

Backinmybed,asshestaredupattheceiling,thelookonherfacetoldmethatrealitywas

startingtosetinagain.Shefinallyspoke.“Ididn’tmeanforthistohappen.”Sheturnedtome.“Itwasn’t
whyIcamehere.I’vejustfeltlikemywholeworldwasfallingapart.Iwantedtokeepmydistanceuntil
youworkedeverythingoutwiththedivorce,butIstillneededtofeelclosetoyou,soI’vecomeherea
fewtimes.Ineverexpectedyoutowalkinatthistimeofday.Weshouldn’thavedonewhatwedid…but
I’vemissedyousomuch.”

“YouhavenoideahowbadlyIneededtohearthat,”Isaid,takingherhandinmineandkissingit.
Shelookeddownatourjoinedhands.“I’vefeltlikeIlostmybestfriend.Mylifehasbeenempty

withoutyouinit.ButIstillfeellikewhatwejustdidwaswrong.Iamjustsoweakwhenitcomestoyou
and—”

“Baby,pleasedon’ttellmetostayawayfromyou.Rememberthatnightinmyroombeforewegot

together,whenItoldyoutoleave?ThatwasoneofthehardestthingsIeverhadtodo,butIwasableto
pushyouawaybecauseIhadn’thadyouyet.NowthatIactuallyknowwhatitfeelsliketobewithyou,to
beinsideofyou,toloveyou,notjustfromafar,butineveryway…Ican’tevergoback.”

“Whathappenedtonightshouldn’thave.Itdoesn’thavetobeforever.Justuntilyourdivorce.”
Icouldn’tpromisetostayawayfromher;itwassomethingIknewdamnwellIwouldn’tliveup

to.Iheldheruntilshefellasleepagain.ShemusthavebeenwornoutfromtheworkoutIgaveher.The
sunwasstartingtoset.Ihopedthatshewouldjuststaywithmetonight.

AsIwatchedhersleep,myemotionswererunningwild.Igottheurgetowritehersomething,soI

grabbedapieceofwhiteprinterpaperfromthedeskandapen.

Sure,Green.Fuckherhardlikeananimalthenfollowitupwithasappylovepoem.It’sall

aboutbalance.

IhadneverwrittenathinginmylifebeforeImether.Now,Icouldn’tstop.ItwaslikeHallmark

wasgoingtobeknockingonmydooranydaynow.Itstartedoutasajoke,butnow,itwassomethingI
lovedtodoforher.

Goahead…sayit.Myballswereonlayaway,andIcouldn’taffordtobuythemback.
Likedrawing,itwasawayformetoexpressthefeelingsIbottledupinside.Lately,allofmy

sketcheshavebeenofhertoo,someofhernakedbody.Itwouldprobablycreepheroutifshefoundthat
book,whichIstrategicallykepthiddenfromtherest.

WhenitcametotellingherhowIfelt,therightwordsneverseemedtocomewhenIspokethemin

themoment.ButbeingabletotakemytimeandespeciallywatchingherlyingherenexttomewhileI
wrote,inspiredme.

WhenIwasfinished,IwassatisfiedthatIhadwrittendowneverythingIwantedtosaytoher.
Shedecidedagainstspendingthenightwithme.Asshewasgettingreadytoleave,Igaveherthe

foldeduppoemandtoldhertoreaditwhenshegothomeandtorereaditwhenevershefeltlonelyorhad
doubtsaboutmyintentions.

Ithoughtmylifewasplanned
UntilthemomentItouchedyourhand.

Yoursadeyesmetmine,
AndallIwantedwastomakethemshine.

Andeverytimetheydid,
Ibecamegiddylikeakid.

Witheachmomenttogetherwespent,
Ifiguredoutwhatmyfathermeant.

Whenhetoldhislittleboylongago,
“Whenit’slove,son,youjustknow.”

Itriedtoresistandbestrong
Sincethetimingwasallwrong.

ButIstillcameundone.
BecauseYou.Are.The.One.

AndI’dratherdiethanhavetosay
Thatminewastheonethatgotaway.

TellmewhatIhavetodo
Toprovemyheartismarriedtoyou.

Itwon’tbeovernight.
Justgivemetimetomakeitright.

Pleasewaitforme,Nina.

Laterthatnight,shesentmeatext.

Iwill.

CHAPTER25

Holdingontothepromiseshemademeasinsurance,IgaveNinathephysicalspaceshefeltshe

needed.Wespentalotoftimetalkingonthephone,sometimeslateintothenight.Duringoneofour
conversations,shepausedoutoftheblue,changedthesubjectandsaid,“Tellmeabouther.”

Shehadn’treallyaskedmuchaboutIvyupuntilthatpoint,asidefromwantingtoknowwhere

thingsstood.Maybeshewasn’treadyorhadn’tfeltsecureenoughinourrelationship.Ispentthenexthour
ofthatphonecallgoingoverthelastsixyearsandsharedmemoriesofIvy,bothgoodandpainfulones.It
wasliberatingtogetitalloffmychestandtofinallyshareeverythingwithher.

***

AmonthpassedbeforeIwasabletotakeaweekofffromworktoheadtoBoston.Ididn’twantto

havethedivorcetalkwithIvyoveraweekendincaseIneededtostayforthefallout.Ialsoneverquite
knewwhatkindofamoodI’dfindherin.AweekwouldgivemeenoughofawindowtoensureI’dget
heronadecentday.

Myplanwastousetherestofthetimeofftoresearchallofthelegalissues.Ifpossible,Iwanted

tobeabletokeepmypowerofattorney.Shedidn’thaveanyoneelsewhowastrustworthytomake
importantdecisions.

Wehadstoppedthenewmedicationbecauseshewasn’tbenefitingenoughtomakeitworththe

risk.So,waitingforthattokickinwasnolongeranexcuseformetoputeverythingoff.

WhenIarrivedatthegrouphomeTuesdaynightofthatweek,Ihadgearedmyselfuptohavethe

dreadedconversation.

Herdoorwasopen,soIknockedlightly,butshedidn’tnotice.Shewaslisteningtoanoldc.d.that

shehadrecordedofherselfplayingtheguitaryearsago.

MychesttightenedasIwatchedhersittingonthebedwithherbackfacingme.Shewasswaying

sidetosidetothesoundsofherownmusic.Iwouldhavegivenanythingtoknowwhatshewasthinking
about.

Itappedhershoulder,startlingher,andsheturnedtolookatme.
“Hi,”shesaid.“Whatdayisit?”
“It’sTuesday.”
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Icametoseeyou.Itooktheweekoff.”
Sheturnedbackaroundfacingthewindow,andIsatnexttoheronthebed.Wesatinsilence,

listeningtothemellowguitar.Ivy’smusic.Shehadn’tplayedinyears.Although,shestillkeptherGibson
proppedupinthecornerofherroom,aneeriereminderofwhatusedtobe.

Shestoodupinfrontofme.Herlongredhairwastousled,andhereyeslookedtired.Evenso,she

wasstillabeautifulgirl.Itwastheonethingthatneverchanged,thatwasn’ttakenawayfromher.

Shetuggedatmyarmspullingmeup.“Dancewithme,”shesaid.
Icouldn’thelpbutsmile.ThatwasthelastthingIexpected.Herbehaviorwasalways

unpredictable,butthiswasanewone.

Shewrappedherarmsaroundmyshouldersandplacedhercheekonmychest.Iclosedmyeyes

andmovedmybodyslowlytothemusic,matchingherrhythm.

Dancingobviouslywasn’twhatIcameherefor,butmomentslikethiswithIvywerefewandfar

between.Ifdancingwithmegavehersomepeace,I’ddoitallnight.Ijustwantedtotakeherpainaway.
TherewasneveranythingIcoulddotomakethathappen.

Herbreathingbecameshaky,andIrealizedshewasstartingtocry.Iheldhertighterashertears

coveredmyshirt.Ididn’tknowwhattosayordo.

Shewhispered,“Jake,I’mscared.”
“Don’tbescared,babygirl.I’mhere.”Myeyesstartedtowaterwhenthenextsongplayed:Ivy’s

renditionofYesterdaybytheBeatles.Icaressedherhairaswecontinuedtodance,thelastsixyears
flashingbeforemyeyes.

ItdawnedonmethatmaybeshewasmoreawarethanIhadgivenhercreditfor.Maybeina

momentofclarity,sheputtwoandtwotogetherwhenIshowedupoutoftheblueonaTuesday.Maybe
sheknewshewasabouttoloseapartofme.Iwouldn’tknowforsure,butwhatIdidknowwasthatno
talkwashappeningtonight.No.Tonight,wewouldjustdance.Shedeservedthat.

***

AfterleavingIvy’s,myheadhurtfrommentallypreparingforthetalk,onlytohavetoputitoff

againbecauseofheremotionalstate.

TherewasonlyonepersonIwantedtoseerightnow.
Ifuckingneededmymother.
InsteadofgoingbacktoAllisonandCedric’s,ItooktheBlueLinetrainstraighttomymother

Vanessa’shouseinMalden.

SheandmystepfatherMaxgotmarriedacoupleofyearsago.Theyhadmetshortlyafterwe

movedtoBostonwhenmymothertookajobasawaitressatthedinerheowns.

Whensheopenedthedoor,shecouldtellfromthelookonmyfacethatIwashavingahardtime.
“Honey,areyouokay?”
Iwalkedpastherintothelivingroom.“No,Mom.I’mnot.”Isatdownonthecouchwithmyface

inmyhands.Iwasdistraughtbutfeltbetteralreadyjustbeinginmymother’shouse.

ShesatdownnexttomeholdingacupofChaitea.Thelicoricearomawaftedintheair.“Didyou

justcomefromIvy’s?”

Inoddedandexhaledintothepalmsofmyhands,tooexhaustedtotalk.Eveninmysilence,my

motherkneweverything;shealwaysdid.

Sheputdownherteacup.“Youstillhaven’ttoldher.”
Ilookedup,pursedmylipstogetherandshookmyhead.
Withherlongdarkhairandgreeneyes,mymotherlookedlikeanolderversionofmysister.Their

resemblancewasuncanny.IwasluckytohavetwostrongwomeninmyfamilythatIcouldturnto.Sheput
herhandsonmyshouldersandsighed.

“Jake,I’vemadealotofmistakesinmylife,moresoearlyon,betweenthedrugsandgetting

pregnantasateenager.WhenImetyourfather,Iwasjuststartingtostraightenout,buttherewerethings
aboutmypastIneededtotellhimandIdreadedit.Eachday,Iwouldputitoff.Theconstantworrying
aboutwhathisreactionwouldbenearlykilledme.Butyouknowwhat?Allofthatworryingnever
changedanything.WhenIfinallygotitoffmychest,Iwasfree.It’snotgoingtohurtheranylessormore

ifyouwait.You’retheonebreakingdown,son.Youneedtogetthisoverwithforyourownsanity.Icould
notbemoreproudofyou.Afteryourfatherdied,youbecamethemanofthehouse.Youtookcareof
yourself,soIcouldtakecareofus.Youneverstoppedwantingtotakecareofpeople.Iknowyoufeel
likeyoufailedIvy.Butshewassoluckytohavebeenblessedwithyouinherlifebecausenotmanymen
youragewouldhavestuckaround.Iknowyou’llalwayslookoutforher.Butit’stimeforyoutostart
livingagain.”

ItwasexactlywhatIneededtohearfromtheonepersonIneededtohearitfrom.

***

Thenextday,IvywasmakingasandwichinthekitchenwhenIwalkedintothegrouphome.Afew

oftheotherwomenwholivedthereweresittingontheoppositeendoftheroomalongwiththehouse
monitor.

“You’reback?”sheasked.
“Yes,I’mhereallweek.”
“Doyouwantone?”sheaskedpointingtothebread.
“Sure.”
Myheartpounded,andmystomachwasupsetbecauseIknewthiswasnoordinarylunchdate.
Wesatalongthecountertogethereatingtheturkeysandwichesshemade.
Whenweweredonecleaningup,Iaskedhertocomesitwithmeintheyard.Therewasapatio

outbackandthatwasthebestplacetohavethetalk.

IvywasmorecoherentthanIhadseeninalongtimeandIwasgratefulthatIhadchosentoday.
“What’sgoingon?”
“Ineedtotalktoyouaboutsomethingimportant.”
“Okay.”
“Comesit,”Isaidgesturingforhertojoinmeonabenchswing.Igrabbedherhand.Shewas

lookinginmyeyesandwaitingpatientlyformetostarttalking.Iwasamazedtohavethiskindofattention
fromherandknewitwasnoworever.

Heregoesnothing.
Ibreathedoutslowly.“I’llneverforgetthedaywemetwhenyouweredancingintherainoutside

Northeastern.Doyourememberthat?”

Shenodded.“Ofcourse,Ido.”
“Somethingdeepinsidetoldmetogouptoyou.Whateveritwas,ifIcouldgobackintime,I

wouldhavestillwalkedtowardyouthatday.Youwerecaptivating,andIwasan18-year-oldboy,smitten
forthefirsttime.Wewereinfatuatedwitheachotherbackthen.Werushedthings.”

“Iwascrazyaboutyou,”shesaid.
“Weshouldhaveneverrunawayandgottenmarriedthatyoung.Butthemanupstairshada

differentplanbecauseheknewyouweregoingtoneedmesomeday.Iamgladhechosemetolookoutfor
you.IjustwishIcouldmakeyoufeelbetter,makeyouhealthyagain.Mostofall,IwishIcouldfightall
ofyourdemonsforyou.IwouldfuckingslaughterthemallifIcould.

Shestartedtocryandwhispered,“Iknowyouwould.”
“It’sbeenhardwatchingyouslipfurtherintoyourownmindovertheyears.Somedays,Ireally

missthegirlIusedtoknow…theonewhoplayedtheguitarformeatnightasIsatnexttoherdrawingin
mysketchbookandtheonewhoalwayslituptheroomwithhersmile.Ithurtswhenyoudon’t
acknowledgemenowmostofthetimeorworse,whenyoubelieveIamtryingharmyou.Whenyouare

havingan“on”day,liketoday,Iseeglimpsesofyouroldexpressions,yoursenseofhumorandthe
connectionweoncehad.Iknowthatthesweetfunnygirlwholovedlifeisstillinthere,andImissher
sometimes.”

“Ican’tdothis,Jake.Idon’twanttotalkanymore.”Shestartedtogetup,butIstoppedher.
“Ivy,IhavetofinishsayingwhatIneedtosay.Thisisimportant.Ineedyoutolistentome.”
Shereluctantlysatbackdown.“Iknowwherethisisgoing.”
“Noneofthisisyourfault,babygirl…noneofit.Sometimes,badthingshappentogoodpeople.

You’reacourageoussoulandhaveacrosstobear,butyoudonothavetocarryitalone.I’llcontinueto
makesureofthat.”

Shewaslookingdownwhenshesaid,“You’releavingme.Yousaidyou’dneverleaveme!”
“Ineverwantedtoletyouseemebreaking.Youhaveenoughonyourplate.Butthetruthis,Ihave

beenlonelyandbrokenforalongtime.Ididn’tevenknowhowdepressedIreallywas,untilImet
someonewhobroughtmeoutofit.”

Sheturnedandlookedatmelikethosewordshadassaultedher.Thesadnessinhereyeswas

palpable,butIhadtocontinue.Therewasnogoingbacknow.

“Ifellinlovewithsomeone.Inevermeantto,andItriedhardtoavoidrelationshipswithother

peoplebecauseIwantedtobeablegiveyoueverythingIhad.Youdeservethat.Butwehaven’thadareal
marriageforyears.Iamnotsureweeverreallyhadachanceatthat.I’vewantedtomakesureIcould
stillsupportyou,soIneverconsideredendingourmarriagelegally.”

“You’re…you’redivorcingme?”
“Ihavetakenthestepstofilefordivorce,yes.BelievemewhenIsaythisisthetoughestthingI

haveeverhadtodo.ImetsomeoneIlovedeeply.Idon’twanttokeepthatfromyouanymore.It’s
certainlynotfairtostaymarriedtoyouunderthecircumstances.I’mendingourmarriagelegally,butIam
notleavingyou.I’llneverabandonyou,Ivy.”

Sheshookherheadrepeatedlyandlickedthetearsthatfellintohermouthwhenshesaid,“You

saythatnow.”Shepushedmeandrepeated,“Yousaythatnow!Leave.Justgo.”

Myeyeswerewellingup,butItriedtoremainstrongandcontinuedwithwhatIhadplannedto

say.“Iwillalwaysmakesureyouaresafe.Iwillmakesureyouhavehealthinsurance,evenifIhaveto
payforitmyself.I—”

“Leave!”shescreamedatthetopofherlungs.
Itfeltlikeshewaspunchingmeinthegut.Thehousemonitorwouldprobablycomeoutsideany

minuteifshescreamedagain.

Ispokeloudertogetthroughtoher.“IamswearingtoyouthatIwillnotabandonyouforaslong

asIlive.Iwillalwaysbethereforyouwhenyouneedme.Pleasetrynottohateme.Iwillalwayslove
you.”

Shewasrockingbackandforthontheswingwithherheaddownandherhandsshaking.Itwas

killingme,butwhatdidIexpect?Iwasallshefuckinghad.Iwantedtoholdher,comforther,butIknew
shewouldn’twantthat.

“GetoutofherebeforeIcallsomeone,”shesaid.
Istoodupandwalkedtowardtheinsidedoor,thenturnedbackaroundwantingtoconvinceher

thatnothingwouldchange.“I’llseeyouthisweekend,asalways,Ivy.”

ShestayedrockingontheswingasIwalkedaway,feelinglikeIhadjustgottenrunoverbya

train.

CHAPTER26

Ispentthenextcoupleofdaysofthatweekmeetingwithlawyersandsocialworkers,determined

tomakesurethatIvywasgoingtobeokay.Iwastoldthatevenafteradivorce,Icouldstillbeher
conservatorandmaintainpowerofattorneyunlessinherrightmind,sheobjected.Istillhadtofigureout
anewlong-terminsuranceplanforherandhadfilledoutsomeapplicationsforstateaid.Itwasalong
andgruelingweek.

WhenIreturnedtothegrouphomethefollowingSaturdaymorning,Ivywasstandingupstaringat

theclockonthewall.Theonepictureofusthatshehadonherchestofdrawerswascracked;shemust
havethrownittheothernightinherangeratme.

“Ivy?”
Shedidn’trespondandnevertookhereyesoffthewallasshebouncedbackandforthbetween

hertoesandheels.

Isatattheedgeofherbedandrubbedmyeyesinfrustration,wonderingifsherecalledeverything

clearlyfromtheothernight.IhopedsheatleastrememberedthatItoldherIwouldneverabandonher.

Whenmyeyeswanderedtothecorneroftheroom,myheartdroppedwhenInoticedthestringsof

herGibsonguitarhadbeenpluckedoffandmangled.IwalkedovertoitandwhenIpickeditup,myheart
feltlikeithadbeenrippedapart,too.

“I’llgetthisfixed,babygirl,”Iwhispered,“I’llfixit.I’msorry.”
ShewascountingtoherselfwhenIlookedoverather.Ifelthelpless.
Hersocialworkerwalkedinatthatmoment.“Jake?”
Iturnedtowardthedoor.“Hi,Gina.”
ShelookedoveratIvy.“Hi,beautiful.”Stillinacatatonicstate,Ivyignoredher.
GinaandIwalkedouttothehall,andshewhispered,“Theytoldmethatshethrewafittheother

night,throwingthingsaroundherroomandthreateningsomeofthestaffiftheywentnearher.Itwasn’t
quitebadenoughforahospitalization,buttheyaskedmetocheckinonhereverydaythisweek.”

“Thankyou,Gina.Thankyousomuch.”
“It’smyjob.”Shesmiled,searchingmyeyes.“Howareyouholdingup?Areyouokay?”
SheknewaboutthetalkIhadwithIvyandmyfilingfordivorce.IwassureIlookedlikeshit.I

hadn’tshavedallweekandsleptlikeass.

“Honestly?Notreally.I’vebeendreadingthisforfiveyears.Idon’twanttopushherintoaneven

worsestate.Icouldneverlivewithmyselfifanythinghappenedtoher.”

“DoyouknowhowmanyofthesesituationsIwalkintoeverydaywherethepersonhasabsolutely

noonelookingafterthem?Ihaven’tseenonespouseinyoursituationwhohasstayedaslongasyouhave,
certainlynotoneyourage.”

“I’llalwayslookoutforher.”
“You’reagoodman,Jake.”
Iwantedtobelievethat,buttheguilthadonlyjustbeguntoeatawayatme.

***

ThatSaturdaynight,backatmysister’shouse,IclosedthedoortomyroomandcalledNina.She

hadjustarrivedatherparents’houseinupstateNewYorkforspringbreak.She’dbethereallweekuntil
thefollowingSunday.

WelastspokeonthephoneafewnightsagorightafterItoldIvyaboutthedivorce.Iwas

extremelysadafterIleftthegrouphome.Ninastayedonthephonewithmeforhours,justlisteningtome
ventabouteverythingthathadhappened.ItwasareliefthatIdidn’thavetokeepanypartofmylifefrom
heranymore.Towardtheendofthecall,shetoldmeshelovedme.Itwasthefirsttimeshehadsaidit
sincefindingoutaboutIvy.ItwasonlythenthatIwasabletoletheroffthephoneandfallasleep.Itwas
thefirstgoodnight’ssleepIhadinawhile.

WhenIcalledhertonight,though,Ineededsomuchmorethanherreassurance.Imissedherso

fuckingmuchandfeltlikeIwasgoingtoloseitifIcouldn’tbewithhersoon.Eventhoughwehadbeen
talkingonthephone,ithadbeenseveralweekssincewehadseeneachother.Theneedtobewithher
physicallywasbecomingunbearable.IwantedtoshowherjusthowbadlyIneededher.

“Whatareyoudoingrightnow?”Iasked.
“Ijustfinishedthedishes,atypicalexcitingnighthereathomehereintheboonies.Howareyou?”
“Imissyou.”
“That’sfunnybecauseIwasjustthinkingabouthowmuchImissyou.”
Iclosedmyeyeswishingmorethananythingthatshewaswithme.“Well,Iwasjustthinkingabout

howmuchIloveyou.”

“Iloveyoutoo.”Shepausedthensaid,“Youknowthat,right?Ifeellikethingshavebeenso

stressfullatelyandIhaven’tsaiditmuch,butthat’snevergoneaway,Jake,notevenforasecond.”

Iwasgoingtoexplode.
“Canyougointoyourroom?”
“Yes.Iseverythingokay?”
“Yeah.Ijustwanttomakesureyou’realone.”
“Holdon.I’mwalkingtomyroom.”Thephonemadeastatickysoundasshewalked.“Okay,I’m

here.”

“Closethedoorandlockit.”
“Areyousureeverythingisokay?”
“Yeah,baby,Iam.ThereisjustsomethingIreallyneedtoshowyourightnow.”
“Thedoorisclosed.What’sgoingon?”
Iletoutadeepbreathintothephoneandmademyselfcomfortableonthebed.Ihopedshewould

playalongwithme.“Youlockedit?”

“Yes.”
“Howmuchdoyoumissme?”
“IfeellikeIcan’tkeepstayingawayfromyou.I’vereallytriedtodotherightthing,but—”
“Iwouldgiveanythingtoburymyselfinsideyourightnow,Nina.”
“IamprettysureI’dletyoutonight.”
“Fuck.Iwishyouwerehere.I’mlyingdown.Areyoulyingdown?”
“Mmm-hmm.”
Fromthesoundofhervoice,IknewshewasonboardandhadfiguredoutwhereIwasgoingwith

this.

“Closeyoureyes.”
“Okay…closed.”
“PretendIamtherewithyourightnow,baby.Canyoufeelme?”
Shewhispered.“Yes.”

“Takeoffyourunderwear.”
“I’mnotwearingany.”
“Saywhat?”
“I’mwearingadress.”
“Withnounderwear?”
Shegiggled.“Yeah.”
Well,shit.
“Fuck…liftupyourdress,then,”Isaidgruffly.
“Okay…”
“Promisemesomething.”
“Yes.”
“Youwon’ttouchyourself.”
“What?”
“Youwillnottouchyourself…untilItellyou.Okay?Canyoudothat?”
Shebreathedheavilyintothephone.“Yeah.Yeah,Icandothat.”
“Promise?”
“Ipromise.”
Iknewshewastellingthetruth.Ninawashonesttoafault.
“Spreadyourlegsopenforme.”
“Okay…”
“Wider.”
“Alright.”
“I’mgoingtolickallthewaydownyourbodynow.Canyoufeelmytongue?It’satthebaseof

yourneck,andI’mslowly…goingdown.”

Itfeltlikeherbreathingwaspenetratingthephone.“Uh-huh.”
“Liftoneofyourbreaststoyourmouthandlickit.PretendI’mdoingittoyou.”
Shedidn’tsayanything,butIcouldhearthesoundofhertonguelappingagainstherownskin,and

Inearlycamefromit.Iclosedmyeyesandtriedtobringmyselfbackfromthebrink.

“I’mlickinginbetweenyourtits,goinglower.IhavemythumbonyourclitwhileIamkissing

yourstomach,andIcan’twaittotasteyou.”

Ninasighedagainbutwasn’tsayinganything.
“Areyouturnedonrightnow?”
“Yes,”shebreathedout.
“Iknow.IcanpracticallytasteitfromwhereIam.Mymouthiswatering.CanIdevouryou?”
Herbreathingbecameheavier.“Mmm-hmm.”
“Iammovingmytongueupanddownyourclitnow.Shit…youtastesosweet.Doesthatfeel

good?”

“Yeah.”
“Whereareyourhands?”
Sheletoutaslightlaugh.“Clutchingmysheetsfordearlife.”
“Good.KeepthemtherewhileIteaseyouwithmytonguering.YoulikeitwhenIflickithard

overyourclit,don’tyou?”Ismiledtomyself.Iknewshelovedthat.

“Oh…God.”
Iwassoturnedonbutvowedtonottouchmyselfeither.Itwasextremelyhard…andIwasharder.
“Doyouwantmeinsideofyou?”
“Yes…verymuch.”
“Iamgoingtorubmycockagainstyouropeningnow.Areyouready,Nina?”

“Yes…Iamsowet.”
“Yeah,Iknowyouare.IcanfeelitnowasIamrubbingmytipagainstyou.”
“Jake…”
“Idon’tknowwho’swetterrightnow,youorme.Openyourlegswider,”Icommanded.
“Ineedtotouchmyself,Jake.”
“Notyet.Justalittlelonger,baby.”
“Ugh.”Shesighedinfrustration.
“Howmuchdoyouwantmeinsideofyou?”
“Morethananything…sobadly.”
“Mydickissohardrightnow.Ineedtofuckyou.”
“Please…fuckme.”
“DoyouwanttotouchyourselfwhileIdoit?”
“Yes…yes…please…now.”
“I’mgonnafuckyoualittlefirst,andthenI’lltellyouwhenit’sokay.”
“Now.”
“Notyet.”
“Please.”
“I’menteringyounow.Canyoufeelmefillingyou?”
“Yes…yes.”
“I’mballsdeepnow.Shit…youfeelincredible.”
Icouldn’ttakeitanymore.Iunzippedmypantsandstartedstrokingmycock.
“Jake…Ineedtotouchmyself.”
“Doyoufeelthat,Nina?Howmuchyouwantit…likeyou’ddieforit?That…that…iswhatI

wantedtoshowyou…howIfeelwhenIcan’ttouchyouandwhenyoutellmeIcan’thaveyou.Inever
wanttofeelthatagain.”

Ijerkedmyselfofffasterknowingshewasgoingtoloseit.Iwantedtocomethemomentshedid.

“Touchyourselfnow…now.”

Herbreathingbecamerapid,andIknewshewasfinallysatisfyingtheneedwithherfingers.My

ownneedtocomewasoverpowering.WhenIheardherscreamout,Ifinallyletgoandcameinstantly.
“Fuck,”Igroaned.“Iloveyou,Nina.Iloveyousofuckingmuch.”

Thathadbeentortureformetoo.
Iheardaknockinthebackgroundandcouldhearawoman’svoice.“Nina,areyouokayinthere?

Dessert’sready.”

Shit.
“Yes…I’mcoming!”sheyelled.
Webothbrokeoutinlaughterattheironyofthat.Itwasnicetolaughagain.IfeltbetterthanIhad

inalongtime,likemaybethingsweregoingtobeokayafterthetoughestweekofmylife.

Godnevergivesyoumorethanyoucanhandle,right?Well,Iwasabouttofindoutthatwhenit

cametoNina,Godwouldbetestingmesooninabigway.

CHAPTER27

Ivyhadbeenstable,soIwasabletoreturntoBrooklynwithaclearconscienceaftermyweekin

Boston.

BeforeheadingbacktoNewYork,IspentallofSundayatthegrouphomewithherandnever

mentionedtheimpendingdivorce,althoughIbroughtheraletterIhadwrittenthatsummedupmostof
whatIhadalreadytoldher,soshewouldhavemyfeelingsinwriting.

Ididn’tknowwhethershereaditornotafterIleft,butitmademefeelbettertogiveittoher.I

stayedwithheruntilshekickedmeoutthatafternoon,accusingmeofplantingachipinherarmwhileshe
wasnapping.

ItwasarelieftobebackinNewYorkfortheweek,butIhadwishedNinawerewithme.I

overnightedheranorigamibatforeverydayshewasatherparents’house.StoppingatFedexonmyway
toworkeachmorningwasthehighlightofmyday.

***

Aweeklater,itwastheSundaynightthatNinaarrivedbackinBrooklyn,andIhadcomehome

fromBostonearly.Ihadplannedtorushovertoherapartmentthesecondshegothome.Atextcamein
fromherjustasIwasheadingoutthedoor.

Idon’tthinkIcanseeyoutonight.I’mnotfeelingsogood.

Fuckthat.
Iimmediatelypickedupthephoneandcalledher.
“Areyouokay?”
Shesoundedtired.“Hey…no.I’mjustfeelingreallycrappy.Mystomachhurts.It’sthattimeofthe

month,anditwasalongbusride.Raincheck?”

“Iguessso,baby,butIwasreallylookingforwardtoseeingyou.HowaboutIcomeoverandtake

careofyou?”

“That’sreallysweet.IthinkIjustneedtosleep,though.I’msorry.Iknowweweresupposedto

spendthenighttogether.”

“It’salright.Tomorrownight,though,wildhorseswon’tkeepmeaway,okay?”
“Okay.Goodnight,Jake.”
“Sweetdreams,baby.Feelbetter.”

***

Thenextnight,desperatetoseeher,Ididn’tevencallbeforeheadingtoherapartmentstraight

fromwork.

Whensheopenedthedoor,herlongblondehairwastiedintotwopigtails,andshelookedreally

tired.Shealsoappearedtohavelostsomeweight.

Ipulledherintoatightembrace.“Baby,Imissedyousofuckingmuch.”
“Imissedyou,too.”
Iliftedthebrownpaperbaginmylefthand.“IbroughtChinesefromyourfavoriteplace.”
“Oh,”shesaid.
“What’swrong,Nina?Talktome.”
“Nothing.Ijust…don’treallyhaveanappetite.I’mstillnotfeelingwell.”
“I’msorry,”IsaidasIputthepaperbagdownandfeltherheadthenkisseditgently.Herskinwas

cold.

Mymouthlingeredonherforeheadwhenshelookedupatme.“I’mtheonewhoshouldbe

apologizingforbeingsuchapartypooper.”

“That’sokay.Youcan’thelpitifyoufeellikecrap.”Itookherhandandpulledherovertothe

couch.“C’mere.Let’ssitdown.”

Shelaidherheadacrossmylap,andIcaressedherhair.Herskinwaspaleandherbreathing

shallow.

IwouldtakebeingclosetohertoanywayIcouldgetandbecameangrywithmyselfforgetting

turnedon.Seriously,hadInoshame?Itjusthappened.Thefeelofherbreathsoclosetomydickmademe
hard.IthadbeentoolongsinceIhadbeenwithher,anditwasmybody’snaturalreaction.Iclosedmy
eyesandimaginedthewartonmyseventhgradeteacherMrs.Mortimer’schin.Hairy.Wart.Wasn’t
working.Shit.

Shedidn’tseembotheredbymyerection,oratleast,shedidn’tsayanythingtothateffect.She

didn’tsaymuchofanythingatall,infact.WhenIpeekeddownatherfaceonmylap,itsurprisedmethat
hereyeswerewideopen,likeshewasdeepinthought.Ihadassumedthereasonshewasbeingsoquiet
wasbecauseshewasfallingasleep.Yeah,shewasn’tfeelingwell,butsomethingelsewaswrong.
Somethingwasbotheringher.Ididn’tknowhowtoexplainit,butIcouldfeelwhenNinawassadinthe
samewayIfeltherpainwhenshecutherfinger.ItwasaconnectionIhadwithherandnooneelse.
Unfortunately,itdidnotextendtobeingabletoreadhermind.

“Baby,iseverythingokay?”
“Ijusthavealotonmymind.Ihavetwoexamsthisweek,plusItoldyouaboutmyfriend,

Skylar.”

“Thegirlwithcancer?”
“Yes.IgoseehereveryWednesday.Italkedtohertoday.Shehasn’tbeendoingwell.Thechemo

hasbeenmakingherreallysick.”

“Shit.”
“IamhopingIdon’thavetoskipgoingtoseeherthisweek.”
“Becauseyou’resick?
“Ican’tbearoundherifshecouldcatchsomething.”
“Ithinkthat’sawesomethatyou’rethereforhereveryweeklikethat.”
“Believeme…I’mtheluckyone.Ifyoumetthisgirl,you’dknowwhatImean.”
“MaybeIcouldgowithyouandmeethersomeWednesday.”
Shelaughed.“She’dlovethatmorethanyouknow.”
“Whydoyousaythat?”
“She’sasex-crazedteenager,andshesawapictureofyou.She’sbeenaskingmetobringyou

around.Shecallsyou‘Jakethebeefcake.’”

Ilaughed.“She’sahotticket,huh?”

“Youhavenoidea.”
Ninaendedupfallingasleeponme.Icarriedherintoherroomandtuckedherinthenwentinto

thekitchentoheatupsomeChinesefood.HerroommatewasawayvisitingherboyfriendinD.C.,sowe
werealoneintheapartment.AsIateinthequietofherkitchen,Ithoughtabouthowthisnightwasnothing
likeIhadhopeditwouldbeaftersuchaslongabsence.Iwasn’tsurewhethertowakehertosay
goodbye,leaveanote,orjustslipintoherbed.

Ioptedtostaythenight.Itwasjusttootemptingtolienexttoher.ShewasstillfastasleepwhenI

tookoffmyshirtandpants,leavingmyboxerbriefson.Iliftedthecoversandlaydownbehindher,
placingmyhandonherwaist.Shedidn’tevenflinch.IlistenedtohersteadybreathinguntilIfellasleep.

Atsomepointinthemiddleofthenight,shesatupinbedanditwokemeup.Sheseemedtobe

anxiousandherbreathingremindedmeofhowsheactedduringourplaneridetoChicago.

“Nina?”
Shewasshakingalittle.“Ijusthadabaddream,that’sall.I’mfine.”
Ibegantocradleher.“Youdon’tsoundfine.”
“Justholdme,okay?”
“Ofcourse.I’llholdyouuntilthemorningifyouneedmeto.”
Afteralongsilence,Ithoughtshewasabouttofallbackasleepwhensheaskedme,“Areyou

goingbacktoBostonagainthisweekend?”

SheknewIwenttoBostoneveryweekend,soitwasastrangequestion.“Iwasplanningonit,

yeah.”

“So,evenafterthedivorce,youstillplantogoeverysingleweekend?”
Shecaughtmeoffguard.“Yes.Imean…she’saloneallweekwithnofamilylookingin.Doesit

botheryouthatIplantogobackeveryweekend?”

Thefactthatshedidn’tsayanythingrightawaytoldmethatitdid.
Itwasdark,soIcouldn’ttellwhethershewascryingwhenhervoiceshook.“It’sjustgoingtobe

hard.”

Iheldherclosetome,feelingsuddenlypetrified.“Iknow,Nina.Believeme,Iknow.Thisiswhy

Ididn’twanttogetinvolvedwithanyone.Butshit,Iamindeepwithyou,andthereisnogoingback.
We’llfigureitout.Wehaveto.Maybeyoucancomewithmesomeweekends.Iknowmysisterisdying
tomeetyou.”

“ComewithyoutovisitIvy?”
“No,nottovisitIvy,butyouandIwillspendthemorningsandnightstogetherinBoston.”
“So,you’llbewithIvyalldaywhileIroamthecityalone?”
Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.
“Nina…”
“It’sokay,likeyousaid,we’llworkitout,”shesaidabruptly.
Asinkingfeelingcameovermeaswesatinsilence.Suddenly,theseedsofdoubthadbeen

planted.HadIreallythoughtthisthrough?WasitrealisticformetoexpecthertoacceptmyputtingIvy
beforeherfortherestofourlives?Itwasn’tfair.MysenseofobligationtoIvywasstrong,butitwasn’t
strongerthanmyloveforNina.IhadsomeseriousthinkingtodoabouthowIwasgoingtohandlethings.
Onethingwasforcertain:Iwasn’tgoingtofigureitallouttonight.

***

Fortherestofthatweek,Ninamadeupanexcuseeverynightnottoseeme.Tuesday,sheclaimed

shewasstillsick.Wednesday,itwasthatshehadreturnedlatefromvisitingSkylarandneededtostudy.
Then,itwasmorestudyingonThursday.Iknewbetter.Ifyouwanttoseesomeone,youalwaysmake
time,evenifitsjustfiveminutes.

So,wenevergottogetherbeforeIhadtogobacktoBostonthefollowingweekend.Ivywas

havingatoughstretchandhadtobehospitalizedagainbrieflywhileIwasthere.Ihadgottenverylittle
sleep.

Theentireweekendwasablur.BeforeIknewit,IwashomeinBrooklynagain.Itwasanever-

endingcycle,andIwastiredofit.

Sofuckingtired.
Tomakemattersworse,NinahadnotrespondedtomeatalltheMondayafterIgotback.Itwas

thefirstdayshehadcompletelyignoredmytexts.Themoretimethatpassedwithoutaresponse,themore
hopelessIbecame.Addtothat,thefactthatIvywasamesswhenIleftBoston,andIwasinabadplace.

Ihadletdownthepersonwhoneededmemost,forthepersonIneededmorethananythingand

managedtofuckupallofourlivesintheprocess.Thefuturewasjustoneblackholenow.

IfNinachosetoleaveme,adaywouldn’tgobywhenIwasn’tpiningforher.Thethoughtofher

movingon,havingsexwithothermen,marryingsomeoneelse,havingchildrenwithhim,seriouslymade
mewanttohurtsomeone.Ihonestlydidn’tknowhowIwouldhandleit.Shecouldleavemephysically,
butshewouldstillbeinmyheartandinmysoulforever.Therewouldneverbeanyoneelse.

IhadtogetoutoftheapartmentbeforeIlostit.Igrabbedmykeysandjacketandleft,walking

downthestreetwithnowheretogo.Asitstartedtorain,Istoppedinsideabarseveralblocksfromhome.

ItwasdarkandloudandjustwhatIneededtodrowneverythingout.Isatatthecounterfully

intendingtogetfuckeduptonight.

“GreyGoosestraight,”Itoldthebartender.
AsIsuckedthefirstdrinkdowninoneshot,thetwovoicesinmyheadwerebattlingoneanother.

TherewasthelouderonetellingmetonevergiveuponNinabecauseshewasmineandbecauseIfelt
withallofmyheartthatshetrulylovedme.Then,therewasthatothervoicetellingmetolethergo
becauseshedeservedbetterthantobewithamanwhocouldnevergiveherahundredpercent.Iwanted
todestroythatvoicecompletely,soIorderedanotherdrink.

“I’veneverseenyouinherebefore.”Forthefirsttime,Ilookedupatthebartenderandnoticed

thatshewasanattractiveblonde.Sheplacedthesmallglassdowninfrontme,hertitsburstingoutofa
blackleatherbustier.Suddenly,thedarkdingybarhadsomehowtransformedintoCoyoteUgly.

“That’sbecauseIhaveneverbeeninherebefore,”Isaid,beforedrinkingdownthevodka.
“Iwouldhaverememberedyou,”shesaidflirtatiouslybeforewalkingawaytoserveanother

customer.

Withinafewminutes,shewasbackwithanotherdrink.“Thisone’sonme.WhatcanIsay?Ihave

aweaknessforguyswithtattoos,especiallygorgeousones.”Shewinked.

“Thanks,”Isaid,guzzlingthatonedowntoo.
Sheleanedin.“Youseemdownaboutsomething.”
“Youcouldsaythat.”
“Youwanttotellmeaboutit?”
“It’stoolongofastory…um…what’syourname?”
“Lexie.”
“Lexie,it’stoolongofafuckingstory,”Irepeated.
Shemovedcloserupagainstthecounter.Itwashardnottolookatherchestbecauseitwasstaring

meintheface.“Well,it’sagoodthingIhavetime.”

Ilaughedundermybreath.“Youdon’t.Notforthisone.”
“What’syourname?”

“Jake.”
“Tryme,Jake.”
The“fuckme”lookinhereyessuggestedshewasreferringtotryingmorethanherattention.
“I’dreallyrathernotgetintoitwithsomeoneIjustmet.”
Shereachedacrossthetableandcausedmetoflinchwhensheplantedakissonmycheek.
Whatthefuck?
“See…now,we’reoldfriends,Jake.”
“Well,oldfriend,Ireallydon’tfeellikegoingintoit.”
“Doesitinvolveawoman?”
“Yeah…acoupleofthem.”
“Well,anywomanwhowouldbedumbenoughtoletyougowouldhavetobeoutofhermind.”
Ishookmyheadindisbeliefathowmessedupandironicthatstatementwas.HowdidIendup

here…bothinthisbarandinthismiserablestate?Icheckedmyphone.

Whereareyou,Nina?Goddammit,Ineedyou.
Ididn’tknowwhatcameoverme,butIstartedtellingLexiemyentirelifestory.Imusthavebeen

ramblingforalmostanhour.IguessIneededtoletouteverythingthatwaseatingawayatme.Bythetime
Ihadfinished,shehadservedmemorevodkasonthehouse,andIwasoffmyass.

Whenshewalkedawaytotendtosomenewcustomers,Inolongerhadadistractionandthepain

returnedinfullforce.IcheckedmyphoneagaintoseeifNinahadreturnedmycalls,andofcourse,she
hadn’t.Ididhaveavoicemail…fromIvy.

Iwentoutsidetoescapethenoiseofthebarandplayedthemessage.Shewassomewhat

incoherent.Giventhatmymindwasfuzzyontopofthat,theonlythingIseemedtobeabletomakeout
was‘goodbye.’

Shit.WhatwasIvytryingtotellme?Sherarelycalledmyphone.Ispeeddialedthemainnumber

forthegrouphomeasmyheartraced.Thenightstaffconfirmedthatshewasinherroomandokayafter
theycheckedinonher.Hearinghersay“goodbye”hadscaredtheshitoutofme,though.

Stillfeelinguneasy,Iwalkedbackinsideandstayedsittingatthebaruntiltheyclosed.IthinkI

almostpassedoutinmyseat.ThatwasthemostIhadtodrinkinalongtime.Itwastimetogetthehellout
ofthere.

ThingswerehazyasIexitedthebar.Eventhecoldairhittingmyfacedidmenogood.AsIstarted

thelongwalkhome,anolderwhiteVolvopulledupbesideme.

“Jake…comeon.Getin.I’lldriveyouhome.”
ItwasLexie.
Withoutreallythinkingitthrough,Igotinthecar.Itbeatwalkingseveralblocks,feelinglikecrap.
Hercarsmelledlikepeaches,orwasitherhair?Ididn’tknow.WhatIdidknowwasthatLexie

wasbadnews,andsowasthisdecisionIjustmade.

“Wheredoyoulive?”
“1185Lincoln.It’srightoverthisGreekrestaurant,Eleni’s.”
“Yup.Iknowthatplace.”
Thestreetlightsandbuildingswepassedmergedintoonebigblurredline.Inlessthantenminutes,

wehadarrivedatmydoorstep.

IturnedtoLexie.“Thanksfortheride.Idefinitelyhadtoomuchtodrink…thankstoyou.”
“Well,youwereprettyupsetwhenyouwalkedin,andyouneededtoloosenup.Afteryoutoldme

why,Iwantedtohelpevenmore.”

IslurredmywordsslightlywhenIsaid,“Youdidsucceedinhelpingmegetfuckedup.”Ilaughed.

“So,thanks…Ithink.”

“Anytime,”shesaidputtingherhandonmyknee.“AndImeanthat.”

“Okay…well,goodnight.Thanksagain,”IsaidasIexitedthecarunusuallyfast,stumblingalittle.

IcouldtellshewasdisappointedthatIwasn’taskingherin.LexiewasthetypeofgirlIprobablywould
havesoughtoutacoupleofyearsago…sexwithnostringsorexpectations.ButNinaruinedmeforother
women.ShewasallIwanted.

ImadeitupthestairsandintothelivingroomwhereIcollapsedontothecouchwhiletheroom

spun.IturnedonthetelevisionandbecamefascinatedbyaZumbainfomercial.Thedancersseemedtobe
jumpingoutofthescreenandtryingtomerenguewithme.

Afewminuteslater,therewasaknockatthedoor.Ipushedmyselfupoffthecouchandopenedit.
Lexie.
SheliftedupaniPhone.“Forgetsomething?”
“Shit.Thanks,”Isaid,takingthephone.“Howdidyougetuphere?”
“Youleftthefrontdooropen.Iknockedonthefloorbelow,buttheladytoldmeto‘fuckoff,’soI

figureddoornumberthreeupherewasthewinner.”

BeforeIcouldbidhergoodnightandsendheronhermerryway,shepushedherwaypastmeonto

thecouchandcrossedherlegsasshesatdown.Withthethighhighblackleatherbootsshewaswearing,
shelookedlikeawhore.

“Whatareyouwatching?”
“Zumba.”
Shestartedtolaugh.“You’refunny,Jake.”
Iliftedmyindexfinger.“Anddrunk.Don’tforgetdrunk,”Isaid,joiningheronthecouch.Ilaidmy

headback.“Ditchtheworkout,jointheparty,”Imumbled.

“What?”
“Nevermind.”
IfIsquintedmyeyes,withherlongblondehair,LexiealmostlookedlikedNinaforasecond.This

girlwasdefinitelysexy,butNinawasmuchprettierandclassier.

Afuckingangel.
Sexyalonejustdidn’tdoitformeanymore.Actually,nothingexceptNinadiditforme.
Sometimepassed,butIwastoooutofittoknowhowmanyminutes.Imusthavefallenasleep,

becausethenextthingIknew,Lexiewastoplessandstraddlingmeovermyjeans.

Shewhisperedinmyearasshemovedoverme.“You’resofuckinghot,Jake.Iwanttogodown

onyou.”

Fuck.
Mydickwashard.Iwasoutofitbutnotenoughtoevermakemewantthis.Icouldn’timagine

givingmyselfinthatwaytosomeoneelse.IlovedNina.Evenifshedidn’twanttobewithmerightnow,
mybodywashers.

Ipushedheroffme.“Lexie,getoff.”
“Iwasgettingoff.”
“Imeantgetoffofme.Youshouldhavenevercomeinhere.Ireallyneedtotakealeak.WhenI

comebackout,Iwantyoutobegone,okay?”

“Ithoughtyouwantedit.Youwerestaringatmytitsallnightandlookatyou…you’rehard.”
“Lexie,withallduerespect,youweresittingonmycockwhenIwasasleep.Ithasamindofits

own.Andasforyourtits,maybeifyouputthemaway,Iwouldn’thavebeenstaringatthem.Now,please.
You’reaverynicegirl(…forawhore),butItoldyouearlier,Iaminvolvedwithsomeone.”

Isaidnothingelsebeforewalkingtothebathroomandtakingthelongestpissofmylife.Imust

havebeenintherefortenminutesjustsittingonthetoiletwhilemyheadwasspinning.Amassive
hangoverawaitedmetomorrowmorning.

WhenIwalkedbackouttothelivingarea,Lexiewasgone.

Shewasgone,butIwasn’talone.
Myheart.Thiscouldn’tbehappening.
Ninastoodinthemiddleoftheroomwithtearsinhereyes.
Bloodrushedtomyhead.“Nina?Nina…baby,whatjusthappened?Whatdoyouthinkyoujust

saw?”

Shejustcontinuedtostandinfrontofmebutsaidnothingasshelickedthetearsthatwerefalling

andheldhereyesclosed.Shelookedlikeshewasabouttohyperventilate.

Godhelpme.Thiswassobad.
Itriedtocomposemyselfbutwaspanickinginside.“Thatgirlyousaw…shedrovemehomefrom

abar.IhadgonetherebecauseIwassosadoveryou.Youweren’tansweringmycalls.Ihadtoomuchto
drink.ShedroppedmeoffandcamebackherewhenIleftmyphoneinhercar.Nothinghappened,Nina.
Nothinghappened!”

Shewasn’tsayinganything.Myheartwasbreaking.Shedidn’tbelieveme.
Fuck,Iwouldn’thavebelievedmeeither.
“Ididn’tsleepwithher.Ididn’tevenkissher.Nina,Iswearonmyfather’sgrave!”
Shelookedupatme.
Iwalkedtowardher,butshebackedaway.Shewasstillspeechless.
“Didshesayanythingtoyou?”Iasked.
Ninanoddedslowlywithangryeyes.Sheletoutadeepbreath.“Asamatteroffact,shedid.”She

spokethroughhertears.“SheaskedmeifIwasNina.”

Ishookmyhead.“What?”
“AndwhenItoldherIwas…shethankedmeforabandoningmyboyfriendlongenoughforherto

fucktheshitofhim.”

No.
Thiscouldn’tbehappening.
Iwasstunnedandthenshookmyheadvigorously.“No.No!Nina…nothinghappened.Ifell

asleep.Shecameontome.She…Shetri—”

“Didyouatleastwearacondom?”shespewedatthetopofherlungs,herfaceredandherlips

twitching.

IbecamelikearagingmadmanasIscreamedagainthroughclenchedteeth,shakingmyfistsinthe

air.“Nothing…fucking…happened!”

Shescreamedbackatme.“ShewasputtingonherbrawhenIwalkedin.Youexpectmetobelieve

that?WhatkindoffooldoyouthinkIam?”

Onewholovedmeenoughtobelieveinme.
Justthen,Ryanemergedfromthehallway.Iwasn’tsureifhehadbeentherethewholetimeorif

hehadarrivedwithNina.

“Comeon,Nina.Let’sgetoutofhere,”hesaid,pushinghertowardthedoor.
Myvoicewashoarsefromscreaming.“She’snotgoinganywhere.”
“Thehellsheisn’t,”hesaidglaringatme.“Haven’tyoudoneenoughdamageinherlife?Justlet

hergo,Jake.”Hepushedhertowardthedoorasshecontinuedtowipehereyes.“Justfuckinglethergo.”

Thatunwantedvoiceinmyhead,theonethathadbeentellingmeallalongtodojustthatbecause

shewastoogoodformesuddenlyemergedinRyan’scorner.Ifshedidn’tbelievemeaboutLexiethenit
mightaswellhavebeentrue.Iwouldneverbeabletoproveotherwise.

Ryanhadherbythearmandledherouttothehallway.Shelookedbackatmeonelasttimewith

sadnessinhereyesthatshotthroughmyheartlikeadagger.Feelingherpainradiatingthroughmealong
withmyown,Iwasfrozen,helplessandbroken.Thatvoicehadwonout.Ilethergowithoutafightthen
shedisappearedfromsight.Iwasn’tsureifIwouldeverseeheragain.Thegirlwhohadbroughtmeso

muchjoy,whohadgivenmeareasontolive,whopenetratedmysoul…wasgone.Itwastheworst
momentofmylife.

JustwhenIthoughtthingscouldn’tgetanyworse,IlookeddownandnoticedthatIhadmisseda

voicemailfromNina.ShemusthavecalledearlierwhenmyphonewasinLexie’scar.Mychesttightened
asIplayedit.

“Hey,it’sme.IknowIhavebeendistantthispastweek.Ineededsometimeapartfromyouto

understandwhatthatreallyfeltlike…toseeiflivingwithoutyouwasevenanoptionforme.Andyou
knowwhat?It’snot,Jake.It’sreallynot.IknowthatIneedtosacrificesomethings,namelymytime
withyou,ifwe’regoingtomakethiswork.Asyoutoldmeonce,sometimesyouhavetowithstanda
littlepaininlifetoexperienceapleasureyouotherwisewouldn’thaveknownexisted.You’remyonly
pleasure,andIamtellingyouthatyou’reworthallthepainandsacrificeintheworld.Distance
makestheheartgrowfonder,right?Ineedtoseeyoutonight.ThereisalotmoreIneedtosay.Iam
headingovertherenow.Ihopeyou’reup.I’msorryifIworriedyou.Iloveyousomuch.”

CHAPTER28

Eighty-five:thenumberoftimesIplayedthatvoicemail.
Thirty:thenumberofdaysthatpassedbeforeIwouldseeNina’sfaceagain.
One:thenumberofmajormistakesIwouldalmostmakeafterlosingitwhenIfinallysawher.
IspenttheweeksafterNinaleft,tryingtoconvincemyselfthatitwasforthebesteventhoughI

wasmiserable.NotonenightwentbywhenIdidn’tagonizeoverwhethertogotoherapartmentand
pleadwithher.IwouldalwaysdecideagainstitbecauseIcouldn’thandlecausingheranymorepain.If
shedidn’tbelievemethatnight,shewasn’tgoingtobelievemenow.Thewayshelookedatmewhenshe
walkedawaywouldforeverbeetchedinmybrain.Itwasalookofuttersorrowanddisappointment.The
memoryhauntedme.EventhoughIdidn’tdoanythingwrongbesidesgettinginebriated,Ipunishedmyself
bysketchingthatlookonherfacerepeatedly,sothatIneverforgotthebaddecisionthatruinedme.

Ryan,TarahandIdidn’ttalkatall.WeavoidedeachotherliketheplagueandIhadstarted

lookingforanotherapartment.

Ironically,inamomentofclarity,Ivyhadagreedtocooperatewiththedivorceandallowedmeto

continueasherconservator.Itwastheonlythinggoingmyway,butIwasn’tsureitmatteredanymore
nowthatIhadlosttheloveofmylife.

Asidefromthepaperwork,nothinghadchangedwithIvy.IwasstillgoingtoBostonevery

weekendandactuallyspentmoretimeatthehome,evenwhenshewasatherworst.Ithelpedgetmymind
offofNinaandtoreassureIvythatthependingdivorcewouldn’tchangemybeingthereforher.Ihadall
thetimeintheworldnowthatIhadnothingtorushbacktoinNewYork.

Ididn’tcareonewayortheotheraboutthedivorceanymore.Myfamilyconvincedmetogo

throughwithit,though,sincetherewasnowapost-marriageplaninplace.

***

BackinBrooklynonenight,therewasaknockatthedoor,andIopeneditwithoutcheckingthe

peephole.

Somethinghitmeinthefaceandnearlybrokemynose.
“Whatthefuck!?”
Myhandscoveredmyface,andIwasabouttopunchthelightsoutofthepersonuntilIlooked

downattheweapon:abag.Ithadacheesypictureofaboybandonit.Theassailantwasapetitegirlwith
nohair.Therealizationofwhothiswassetin.

“Jerk!”sheyelled.
Idabbedmynoseagaincheckingforblood.“Skylar?”
“That’swhatyougetforhurtingmyfriend,assnuts,”shesaid,brushingpastmeintotheapartment.
Sarcastically,Isaid,“It’snicetomeetyoutoo,finally.Comein.”
Shedumpedherbagandploppeddownonthecouch.Shelookedpaleandweak.Fuck…thisgirl

shouldn’tbehere.

“Doyouhaveanywater?”sheasked.

“Yeah…sure.”Irushedtothekitchentopourheraglassandtappedmynose,whichwastingling

asIlookedoverather.Sheclearlywasn’tfeelingwell.Itamazedmethatshewouldcomealltheway
overhere,sickandall,tostandupforherfriend.

Ihandedherthewater,andshetookit,drinkingitdown.
Isatontheoppositesideofthecouch.“Howareyoufeeling?”
“IfeellikeIlook,”shesaidabruptly.
“Howdidyougethere?”
“Itookacab.”
“Didyouleavethehospital?”
Sheleanedbackandkickedherfeetuponthecouch.“Look,I’mnothereforsmalltalk.”
“Okay.”
“Didyouordidyounotscrewthattramp?”
Ilookedherkeenlyintheeye.“IsweartoyouthatIdidn’t.Iswear.IknowthatNinadoesn’t

believemebecauseofwhatshethinksshesaw.”

Shestaredintomyeyesthensaid,“Ikindoffiguredthat.”
“Figuredwhat?”
“Thatmaybeyoudidn’t.”
“Why’sthat?”
“BecauseyouwouldhavetobeanidiottocheatonNina.ShehasaheartlikeMotherTheresaand

abodylikeBarbie.Well,maybemorelikeBadonkadonkSkipper.Anyway,she’shot.She’severything.”

Ain’tthatthetruth.
“Youbelieveme?”
“Tobehonest,Iwasn’tsureuntilIlookedintoyoureyesjustnow.Ihavethisintuition,andIthink

you’retellingthetruth.”

Relieved,Iletoutadeepbreath.“Thankyou.Thankyou,Skylar.”
Shestartedcoughing,andIimmediatelygotuptogethermorewaterbeforeplacingitonthe

coffeetableandsittingbackdown.

“Anyway,she’smiserable.Sheisdepressingtheshitoutofmeandthat’sprettyhardtodoto

someonewhoalreadyhascancer.”

IchuckledeventhoughIprobablyshouldn’thave.“WhatdoyouthinkIshoulddo?Tellme.I’lldo

anything.”

WasIreallyaskinga15-year-oldforadvice?Desperatetimescallfordesperatemeasures.This

girldidseemwisebeyondheryears,though.

“Youneedtogrowsomeballs,man.Standupforyourselfuntilsheseesnothingbutthetruthin

youreyes.Takebackwhat’syours!Itmighttakeahundredtries,butyoucan’tjustgiveup.”

ShakingmyheadinagreementIwassilentuntilitclicked.“Fightforher…”
Shesatupandsmackedmyarm.“You’reagenius,TommyLee.”
Skylarstayedforaboutahalfhour.ShewentonandonaboutsomeguynamedMitchandIjust

listened.ItwastheleastIcoulddobecausetheinspirationshejustgavemewaspriceless.

Iinsistedongivinghermoneyforthecabridehome.Beforeshewalkedoutthedoor,sheturnedto

meandsaid,“Lifeisshort,Jake.You’regoingtoregretitfortherestofyourlifeifyoulethergo.”

Shewasright.
“Skylar,Ican’tthankyouenoughforbelievinginme.”
“Oh,wait…beforeIforget.”Shetookoutherphoneandputitoncameramode.“Standupstraight

andpushyourmusclesout.”

“What?”
“Justdoit.Rollupyoursleeves,soIcanseeyourtattoos…andsmile.”

Ididwhatsheasked,andshesnappedaphoto.
Shewinked.“Eyecandyfortheroad.”
Ishookmyheadinamusementasshewalkedaway.Shewasacourageoussoul.DidIknowan

angelonEarthwhenIsawone?IwasprettysureIwouldn’tknowoneifitpunchedmeintheface.

***

Skylar’svisithadgivenmethecourageIneeded.ThefactthatevenonepersonclosetoNinahad

mybackmeanttheworld.

ThefollowingdaymarkedexactlyamonthsinceNinawalkedoutofmylife.Idecidedtotakethat

Tuesdayafternoonofftogotoherapartmentandtrytotalktoher.Ihadn’tknownwhatIwasgoingtosay
butwantedhertolookintomyeyesandseethatIwastellingthetruth.

ItwasawindyspringdayasIwalkedfromthesubwaystationtoherneighborhoodinParkSlope.

Mystomachwaschurning,andmyheartwasbeatingrapidlyasIrecitedwhatIwantedtosaytoher.I
hadn’tsmokedinmonths,buttoday,IreallyfeltlikeIneededacigarette.Peoplewalkingbylookedatme
strangelybecauseIwastalkingtomyselfandgesturingwithmyhands.

AsIapproachedthebrownstonewhereshelived,myheartsank.Iimmediatelyhidbehindalarge

tree.

Ninawaswalkingtowardhersteps,andshewasn’talone.Someguywithbrownhairandglasses

hadhisarmaroundher.Icouldn’texactlymakeouthisface,butwhatIdidknowwasthathewaswearing
aMisterRogersbuttondownsweaterandthatIwantedtoknockhimout.

Theysatdowntogetheronthestoop,andhetookthesweateroff,placingitonhershoulders.She

bentherheadbackinlaughteratsomethinghesaid,andmychestconstricted.Itwaslikeheavenfora
splitsecondseeingthejoyonherface.ShehadmyheartforChrist’ssake.Howcoulditnotfeelgoodto
seeyourhearthappy?Ontheotherhand,itwaspurehellbecauseitwasn’tmewhoputitthere;itwasall
becauseofanotherman.Ihadneverbeenmoreenviousofanotherhumanbeinginmyentirelife.

Watchingtheireverymove,Istoodfrozenbehindthetree.Shelookedsobeautifulinayellow

dressthatbroughtouthergoldenhairthatwasshininginthesunlight.Iwantedsobadlytorunmyfingers
throughit,tosmellher,toholdher.SeeinghermademerealizejusthowbadlyIhadmissedher.

Hetouchedherknee,andmyfiststightenedinresponse.MyheartwasbeatinglikecrazyandI

wassweatingprofusely.

Fuck,thiswaskillingme.
Heseemedtobetellingherastory,wavinghishandsaround,andeverytimeshelaughed,itfelt

likeIwaslosingheralittlebitmore.Ijuststoodtherelikeastalker,takingitallin.Afterseveral
torturousminutes,theybothstoodup.Herbackwasfacingmeandmybodybegantoshakewhenhe
leanedintokissher.IthinkImayhavefinallyunderstoodwhatNinafeltlikewhenshewas
hyperventilatingbecauseIcouldn’tseemtocatchmybreath.

Iwasreallylosingher.
Iwasnumb.Itshouldn’thavesurprisedmethatsomeonecamealongtoscoopherupsosoon.She

wasacatch,andIwasthefoolwhocaughtherandlethergo.Shelovedme,andImanagedtofuckitall
up.

MisterRogershuggedhergoodbyeandshewasaloneforamoment,watchinghimleave.

Everythinginsidemewantedtoruntoherinthatmoment,butmybodywouldn’tmove.Then,sheturned
around,walkedupthestairsanddisappearedfromsight.

AlloftheconfidencethathadbuiltupinmeearlierwasdepletedbywhatIhadjustwitnessed.

SkylarhadsaidNinawasdepressedandsadoverme.TheNinaIjustsawseemed…happierwithoutme.
Iwasn’tabouttotakethataway.Nofuckingway.Ilovedhertoomuch.

Iwantedtonumbthepainandalmostwenttoabaronthewayhometodrinkmyselfintooblivion

butthenrememberedthatwashowIgotmyselfintothismessinthefirstplace.Instead,Ivowedneverto
drinkagain,soangrythatalcoholdestroyedmylife.

Instead,Iwentstraighthome.Depressedcouldnotevenbegintodescribemyfeelings.
Devastated.

***

Thehousephonerangthenextafternoon.Inormallywouldn’thavepickeditup,butiftherewasa

chanceitwasNina,Iwantedtohearhervoice,eventhoughIhadvowedtostayaway.

“Hello?”
“IsNinathere?”
Itwasamaleandmybodyimmediatelywentintoattackmode.
“Whoisthis?”
“Spencer.”
“Spencer…”
“Yes.Isshethere?”
Spencer:Nina’sprickex-boyfriend.
MyhandsformedintofistsandItriedmybesttofakeacordialvoice.“What’sthisinregardsto?”
“I’mher…oldfriend.I’mvisitingaclientinBrooklyntodayandwashopingtostopbyandcatch

upwithher.Idon’thavehernewcell.IknowshemovedinwithRyanHaggerty.Ihadthisnumberfor
him.Thisishishomephone,right?”

“Yeah.Youhavetherightplace.”
“So,isshethere?”
“Actually…youjustmissedher.Shewalkeddowntothecornerstoreandshouldbecominghome

inafewminutes.”Ilied.“You’rewelcometocomebyandwait,man.It’s1185Lincoln.”

“Okay,I’lldothat.Thanks.”
Thisdudepickedthewrongdaytocomeintotown.
Fifteenminuteslater,herangthefrontdoorandIbuzzedhimin.Whenheknockedonthe

apartmentdoor,IopeneditwithagrinthesizeofTexas.ImusthavelookedlikeIhadjustswalloweda
containerofhappypills.“Spencer!”Isaidloudly,pattinghimsohardonthebackyouwouldhavethought
hewaschokingonsomething.“Comeonin.”

Hewasaboutthesameheightasme,wearingagraysuitandlookedlikedatypicalyuppie.He

waslookingmeupanddown,clearlyjudgingme.ItmademesickthatthisguyhadbeenwithNina.I
grittedmyteethandcringedatthethought.

“Whoareyou?”heasked.
“I’mJake.Wespokeonthephone.”
“Youlivehere…withNina?”
“Yup.Makeyourselfcomfortable.”
Hewalkedovertothecouchandsatdownhesitantly.“Yousaidshewouldbebackinafew

minutes?”

“Somethinglikethat…”Iwalkedovertothekitchen,grabbedabananathensatdownacrossfrom

him.

“So…”hesaid,smackinghishandstogether,lookinguncomfortable.
Good.Iwasmakinghimnervous.
Imockedhim“So…”Peelingbackthebanana,Itookahugebiteandspokewithmymouthfull.

“Nina’stoldmealotaboutyou.”

Helookedshocked.“Shehas?”
“Youstillgettingoffoncallingpeopledown?”
“Iamnotfollowingyou.”
“Youknow,makingpeoplefeellikeshittomakeyourselffeelbetter…tomakeupforthefactthat

youhaveasmalldick.”

Hestoodup.“Whatthefuck…”
“Don’tworry.Ninaforgivesyou.See,afterIgotinsideofher,sherealizeditwasn’tyourfaultat

allthatyounevermadehercome.Imean,youcanonlydosomuchwithwhatyouhave.Thepoorthing
hadnothingtocompareitto.”Iwaslaughing,shakingmyheadandsaid,“Shethoughtthatwasnormal!”

Hestoodupandpointedhisfingeratme.“You’reoutofline.”
“Youknowwhat’soutofline?Cheatingonaperfectangelofawomanwhogaveyouhertrustand

herfuckingvirginity.Didyoufeellikemoreofaman?Becauseyoulooklikeabigpussytome.You
know,stickingitinmorethanonewomanatatimewon’tmakeitgrow,Spence.”

Hewalkedtowardthedoorandturnedaroundbeforeleaving.“Idon’tknowwhothefuckyou

thinkyouare,butifNina’sbeenwithtrashlikeyou,shedeserveseverybitofpainIevercausedher.”

Asheescaped,practicallyrunningdownthehall,Iyelled,“Leavingsosoon?Iwasjustaboutto

putonapotofarsenic!”

Thefrontdoorslammed.
Yeah…Iwaslosingit.Butdamn,thatfeltgood.

***

AweekandanothertriptoBostonlater,Iwasstillamess.
Onenightafterwork,onmywayinthefrontdoor,Desireecameoutoftherestaurant,wearinga

blackminidressandstilettos.Shelookedmorelikeago-godancerthanawaitress.

“Hey,Jake.”
“Hey,”Isaidwithoutmakingeyecontactandcontinuedtowalkpasther.
Herheelsscrapedthepavement.“Waitup.”
Iturnedaround.“What?”Stilldepressedandangry,Iwasbeingshortwithher.
Ihadn’tactuallyrunintoDesireesincesheaccostedNinainthebathroomonourbirthday.That

turnedouttobethebestnightofmylife.Evennow,aweekafterseeingNinawithanotherman,mylove
forherwasstillasstrongasever.Beingapartwasn’tgoingtomeanfallingoutoflovewithher.Itwould
beaboutlearningtolivewithouther,despitelovinghermorethanlife.

Desireeinterruptedmyinternaldialog.“IwantedtoapologizeforwhatIsaidtoNinainthe

bathroomthatnight.Itwasuncalledfor.Iwasjustkindofbitterbecausethingsdidn’tworkoutbetween
youandme,butInevermeanttocausesuchascene.”

“Yeah,whatever.It’soldnews.”Iputthekeyintothefrontdoor.
“Wait.”
Iturnedaroundagain.“What?”
“Howarethings…withNina?”
Ithurtjusthearinghername.Igavetheonlyhonestanswer.“It’sover.”

Shelookedapologetic,butIcouldn’ttellifitwasgenuine.“I’msorry.WasitbecauseofwhatI

saidtoher?”

“No.”
“Well,Iamsorry.Imeanthat.You’reagoodguy.Andyouwerealwaysupfrontwithme;you

neverpromisedmeanything.WewerehavingfunandIhadnorighttobepissedatyouorjealousofher.”

“It’sokay,Des.”
“Whatareyoudoingrightnow?”
“Iwasgoingtogoupstairsandtrytoeatsomething,”Isaid.
“Youseemdown.Whydon’tyoucomebackinsidetotherestaurant?I’llhavethechefwhipyou

upyourfavoritethings.”

IknewifIwentupstairs,imagesofNinaandthatguykissingwouldjustbereplayinginmyhead

andthethoughtofthatmademenauseous.Eventhoughapartofmewantedtobealonetowallowinmy
pain,itmadesensetotrytogetmymindoffit.

Isighedandfollowedherinthedoor.“Alright.Thanks.”
Shesatmedownatatableinthecornerandwentintothekitchen,returningwithahugetrayofmy

favoriteGreekfoods.ShesatacrossfrommeasIate.EventhoughIdidn’thavemuchofanappetite,I
devouredabouthalfofeachplate.

Withherlongblackhairandbigbrowneyes,Desireereallywasabeautifulgirl,justnotequally

ontheinside.Wehaddefinitelybeencompatibleinbed,butthatwaswhereitended.Evenstill,withher,
thesexwasallabouttheendresult.Youcouldn’tevencompareittowhatIexperiencedwithNina.

NotonlywasNinaphysicallythemostbeautifulwomanintheworldtome,butlovingherwithall

myheartandsoulmadesexwithherall-consuming,somethingIneverwantedtoend.Myfoodstartedto
comeuponmeasIimaginedherhavingsexwiththeguyinglasses.IthurtsobadlythatIliterallyshook
myheadtoerasetheimagefrommymind.

“Howaboutwetakedessertupstairs?”Desireeasked.
Iletoutadeepbreath.Ishouldhavereadbetweenthelinesbutwassoterrifiedofbeingalone,so

Iwentwithit.“Yeah…sure.Whynot?”

Onceupstairs,itstartedoutinnocentlyenoughatfirst.Wemadesomecoffee,andDesireesetthe

platesoutonthecounter.Onmysuggestion,webroughteverythingbacktomyroombecauseIhadn’t
wantedRyanandTarahtowalkinandseeherwithme.Wesatonmybedeatingthecinnamonandhoney
frittersinsilence.NotamomentwentbywhenIwasn’tthinkingaboutNina.Atonepoint,mythroat
closedup,andIputthepastryaside.

“Jake,what’sgoingonwithyou?”sheasked.
Iforgedafakesmile.“Idon’tthinkyoureallywanttoknow.”
“Whywouldyousaythat?”
“BecauseithastodowithNina.”
“Whatabouther?”
WasIreallyabouttogointothiswithher?
“Itoldyouwebrokeup.Well,lastweek,Isawherwithanotherguy.It’smademealittlecrazy.”
Understatementoftheyear.
OpeninguptoDesiree,ofallpeople,aboutNinamadenosense,butithurtsodamnmuch,I

neededtogetitoffmychest.

“Idon’tknowwhathappenedbetweenyoutwo,butshe’safoolforlettingyougo.”
Ididn’thavetheenergytorehasheverything.So,Ijustsaid,“Thanks.”
Then,Desireestoppedtalking;sheneverreallywasoneforwordsanyway.Shecamearound

behindmeandstartedtomassagemyshoulders.Iclosedmyeyesandjustfocusedonthefeeling,tryingto
relaxandmeditateawaythepain.

Iwasn’tstupid.Iknewwhyshewantedtocomeuphere,andapartofmewantedtoletithappen,

anythingtonumbthelongingandsadness.

SheliftedoffmyshirtandbegantorubherhandsharderintomybackasIkeptmyeyesclosed.As

shecontinuedtomassageme,myemotionstransformedfromsadnesstoangeroverthefactthatNinaleft
meoveralie.Thereasonformypainwassosenseless.TheangrierIgot,themoreIwantedtoerasemy
thoughts.So,whenDesireetookoffhershirtpressingherbreastsupagainstmybackassherubbedme,I
didnothingtostopher.

Nothingmatteredanymore.
Ragecontinuedtobuildinsideme.Desireestoppedmassagingandclimbedontopofme,

wrappingherlegsaroundmywaist.Iclosedmyeyesandloweredmymouth,flickingmytongueoverher
breast.Itwasmechanicalatbest,asIcontinuedtoobsessoverNina.Isuckedonherhard,frustratedat
myinabilitytobecomelostinDesiree.

Shelickedmylips,pushingmymouthopenwithhertongue.Wewerekissing,andsuddenly,anger

turnedtoguilt,becausethisfeltmoreintimateanddespiteallthathadhappened,mybodystillthoughtit
belongedtoNina.Fightingthatfeeling,Ikissedherharder,movingmytongueroughlyagainsthers.I
nearlytookhermouthoff.

Then,shetuggedatmylipringwithherteeth,whatNinausedtolovetodo.Ipulledback,panting.

Itwasn’tworking.Thiswasn’tdoinganythingtoerasethepain.Itwasmakingitworse.

Ineededtoeithertellhertoleaveorgetthisoverwith.AnimageofNinasmilingathernew

boyfriendflashedinmyhead.Guiltturnedtoangeragain.DesireewasoblivioustotheinternalbattleI
wasfighting.

Shetookoffherpantiesandbegangrindingovermyjeans.Iwassomewhathard,half-mastatbest,

themediocreresultofmymindandbodybeingoutofsynch.

“Ican’twaittofeelyouinsideofmeagain,”shesaid.“Fuckme…now.”
Hereyeswereclosedasshemovedoverme.Ilookedupatherface.Shewasinecstasy;Iwasin

despair.

Fuckit.
I’dclosemyeyes,giveherwhatshewanted,andmaybebeinginsideofanotherwomanwould

helpmegetthesethoughtsoutofmyhead.

Imovedheroffofmeandstoodup,openingthebedsidetableforacondom.Mystomachwas

upset,andmyhandwasshakyasIrippedoneoffofthestripanditfelltotheground.

WhatwasIdoing?
WhenIbentovertopickupthecondom,Inoticedapieceofmetalglisteningonmyrug.
MyhandshookevenmoreasIpickeditup.
ItwasNina’scharmbracelet.
Ifrozewithitinmypalmandsatdownontheedgeofthebed,staringatit,likeitwerealive

pieceofher.Imovedmyfingersoverthecharms,asanimmensesadnesscameoverme,surpassingallthe
otheremotions.Overtheguilt,overtheanger…sadnesshadwonout.Itwasallthatwasleft.

DesireewasbreathingheavilyandlookedfrustratedwhenIglancedoverathernakedbody.

“Desiree…Ican’tdothis.Iamsorry.Thiswasamistake.I’mjustnot…ready,Iguess.”

Idon’tthinkI’lleverbeready.
Shesighed.“Areyousure?”
Inoddedsilentlymyeyesstillfixedonthebracelet.
Iamsosure.
“Okay,suityourself,”shesaidputtinghershirtbackon.
Ididn’tevenlookatherwhenIsaid,“Thankyouforunderstandingandforthefood.”
“Anytime,Jake.Youknowwheretofindmewhenyouareready.I’llbehereforyou,unlike

someoneelse.”

Desireeputonherclothesandquietlyleftmyroom,leavingmealoneinthesamespotwhereI

stayedforthenexthalfhour.AsIrubbedmyfingeroverthecharmsagain,somethingdawnedonme.I
specificallyrememberedNinawearingthisthenightshewalkedinandsawLexie.Thecharmsjingledas
sheshookherhandinangeratme.Itwasamiserablememorybutanawesomerevelation.Ifthisbracelet
wereinmyroomnow…thatmeant…Ninahadbeenheresincethatnight.

Shehadbeensleepinginmybedagain.
Itwasn’tover.
Ididn’tknowwhenshehadbeenhere,anditdidn’tmatter.ThiswaswhatIneeded—prooffrom

her—thatmaybeshestilllovedme,thattherewashope.Iknewnowwithoutashadowofadoubt,that
MisterRogershadafightonhishands.

***

MymindwasracingasIpacedtheroomwiththebracelet—hopeinthepalmofmyhand.

Suddenly,myearlierragehadturnedintovastamountsofinvigoratingenergy…clarity.HowcouldIhave
beensoweaktogiveupthateasily?IcametotheconclusionthattheupsanddownsandguiltI
experiencedoverthepastyearhadbrokenmedown,somehowmakingmefeelundeservingofthe
happinessshebroughttome,undeservingofherinnocence.Despitetherollercoasterofemotions,theone
constanthadalwaysbeenmyloveforher.

Itwasgettinglate.Icouldn’tgotohertonight,becausewhatIhadplannedwasgoingtotaketime.

Tomorrowwouldbeanewday,onethatwouldn’tenduntilIhadtriedwitheverythingIhadtogether
back.

Nightslikethis,Iwishedmyfatherwerearoundtogivemeadvice.He’dprobablysmackmein

theheadfordoubtingmyworthinessandfornotrealizingsoonerthatlovewassomethingtofightfor.

Abriskwindblewintomywindow,andasIgotuptocloseit,chillsrandownmybodywhenI

recognizedthemelodythatwascomingfromaJeepparkedatthetrafficlightoutside.ItwasCrimsonand
Clover—myfather’sfavoritesong.Ilookedupatthedarknightskyandtherewasalsoafullmoon.

Idecidedtokeepthewindowopen…letDadinalittle.Closingmyeyes,Irelishedthebreeze

withtheconfidencethathehadmybacktomorrow.

Ihadfallenasleepandwokeupcoveredinsweataboutmidnight.Myheartwasbeatingfast,anda

strangefeelingcameoverme.Itwasn’tphysicallypainful,butithurtinadifferentway.Itwasjustabad
feelingthatsomethingwaswrong.

Itriedtogobacktosleepbutcouldn’tshakeit.Aboutanhourlater,myphonerang.ItwasRyan.
Whywasn’theheresleepingandwhywashecallingmeatthishour?
Ianswered.“WhatdoyouwantRyan?”
“Jake?”
“Yeah…whoelse…what’sup?”
“I’matNewYorkMethodistHospital.Youneedtogethereassoonasyoucan.It’sNina.”

CHAPTER29

Ryanwouldn’ttellmemuchaboutNina’scondition.Hesaidhehadjustgottentherehimselfafter

herroommatecalledhimandthathedidn’tknowdetailsyetbutthatshewasaliveandstable.Iletoutthe
longestsighofreliefofmyentirelife.

ThankGod.
Hejusttoldmetohurryandthenhungup.
MyentirebodywasshakingandIscrambledtofindashirt.AsIflewoutthedoor,Ididn’teven

knowifIshutitbehindme.IjuststartedrunninganddialedacabcompanyonmyphoneincaseIcouldn’t
hailone.

Thankfully,aredcabcamearoundthecornerafewminuteslaterandtookmetothehospital.

Nina’seyeswereallIcouldseeasIrestedmyheadbackontheseatandprayedforhertobeokay.I
wouldn’tbeabletolivewithmyselfifanythingeverhappenedtoher,especiallysincetherewassomuch
leftunsaid.

Whenwearrived,Ithrewafifty-dollarbillatthecabbieandtoldhimtokeepthechangeasIran

acrossthestreetandnearlygothitbyadepartingambulance.Iblewthroughthefrontdoorsofthe
emergencyentrance.Theroomwasspinningwiththesoundsofintercoms,kidswhiningandstretchers
beingwheeledin.Dammit,Ijustneededtogettoher.

Outofbreath,Itoldthewomanatthefrontdesk,“I’mlookingforNinaKennedy.Shewasbrought

hereaboutanhourago.”

“Andyouare?”
Icouldn’teventhinkstraightandhesitated,notsurehowtoanswer.“I’mher…friend…Jake

Green.”

Sheliftedherphoneanddialedit.“WheredidtheytakeNinaKennedy?”sheaskedsomeoneon

theotherend.

Mychestpoundedinnervousanticipationaspanicsetin.
Shehungupthephone.“She’sinaroomnowontheninthfloor.Godownthathallwayandtakea

right.You’llseetheelevators.Thenurseswillbeabletodirectyou.”

Istartedrunningbeforesheevenfinishedhersentenceandnearlyknockedoveranoldmanbehind

me.

WhenIgottothefloorNinawason,myheartsankwhenInoticedMisterRogersgettingoutof

anotherelevator.

Whatthefuckwashedoinghere?

Iwastooscaredtobepissed.WewalkedsidebysideovertowhereTarah,RyanandDariawere

standing.

“Where’sNina?”
“Adoctorisexaminingherrightnow.Wewereaskedtowaitouthere,”Tarahsaid.
“Whathappened?”
RyanlookedatTarah.TarahlookedatDaria.DarialookedatMisterRogers.MisterRogers

lookedatme.

Whatthehellwashelookingat?Andwhyweren’ttheytellingmewhatwasgoingon?

ThelookonRyan’sfacewasespeciallysuspicious.

Daria’svoicewasshakyassheputherhandonmyshoulder.“Shewaslosingblood.Wedon’t

knowwhat’shappening,butshe’sbeenconsciousthewholetime.She’sgoingtobeokay.Iamsureofit.
Thedoctorisjustexaminingher.”

“Iguesswe’llknowsomethingsoon,”Ryansaidlookingoveratme.
Somethingwasn’tright.Ididn’tbuythattheyknewnothing.
IglaredatMisterRogers.“Whoareyou?”
“I’mherfriend,Roger.Dariacalledme.”
Roger.Youhavegottobekiddingme…
“Friend,huh?That’sbullshit.Isawyoutwolastweekholdinghandsandkissingoutsideofher

apartment.Youdidn’tlooklikefriendstome.”

Heshookhishead.“We’rejustfriends,Jake.”
“Howdoyouknowmyname?”Iseethed.
“Shetalksaboutyouallthetime.HowcouldInotknowwhoyouwere?”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“That’showwebondedactually,overourbreakups.IamafriendofDaria’s.Iamattheirhousea

lot.NinaandIhavebecomecloseoverthepastmonth.”

“Letmegetthisstraight.She’sbeentalkingaboutmewhileshe’skissingyou?”
DariaandRogerlookedateachothersmiling,whenhesaid,“Idon’tknowwhatyouthinkyou

saw…butthatwasnokiss,maybeapeckonthecheek.Jake…I’dratherkissyou…okay?I’mgay.”

“IknowwhatI—”Istoppedtalkingrealizingwhathejustconfessed.“Didyoujustsayyou’re

gay?”

“Yes.”
“Gay…”
“LasttimeIchecked.”
Mybodyrelaxed.Ifeltstupidbutrelieved.Euphoric.Shehadn’tmovedonfromme.Iwasso

happyIcouldhavekissedhim…andhewouldhavelovedit.

Rogerwasgay.Itwasabeautifulfuckingdayintheneighborhood.

Now,IjustneededNinatobeokay.God,pleasemakeeverythingbeokay.Thedoctorwastaking

forever.Ipacedthehallway,stoppingatonepointtolookoveratRoger.“I’msorryforoverreacting,
man.”

“Noproblem.We’realljustherebecausewecareaboutNina,andbelievemewhenIsayshestill

caresaboutyou…alot.”Mychesttightenedwhenhesaidit.

Shestillcaredaboutme.
Tenagonizingminuteslater,thedoorfinallyopened.Myheartwasbeatingoutofmychest

becauseIcouldnowseeherthroughthecrackofthedoor.Shewassittingupinbedwearingahospital
gown,herhairtiedintoamessysideponytail.Shelookedscared.Itwasoverwhelming,andIalmost
rushedtheroomwhenthedoctorsaid,“Who’sJake?”

Practicallyleapingforward,Iraisedmyhandandsaid,“Iam.”
“Ninawouldliketoseeyou.”
Ipushedpasthiminasplitsecond,myeyesgluedtoherasIenteredtheroomclosingthedoor

behindme.

Myangel.Sheaskedforme.
Shestartedcryingimmediatelyuponseeingmeandthenopenedherarms,aninvitationtoholdher.

Iknockedovertheplasticwaterjugatherbedsideinmyrushtogettoher.Sheheldmyheadtoherchest,
andIwrappedmyarmsaroundher,gratefulthatshewasokay.Butshewasupset,sothenewscouldn’tbe
allgood.Iwasterrified.

“What’sgoingon?Tellmewhathappenedtoyou,”Iwhisperedintoher.

Shegaspedforbreaththroughhertears.
Iheldhertighter.“Shh…takeiteasy,baby.It’sokay.I’mherenow.”
“It’snotokay,Jake,”shesaid,pullingawayfromme.
Iliftedmyheadtolookatherandsatdownatherbedside.“Whatdoyoumean?”
Sheclosedhereyesandstruggledforthewords.“Ifailedyou.”
“What?Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
Shegavemeherhandtoholdforsupport,andatearfelldownhercheek.“Canyoueverforgive

me?”

“Forgivewhat?Youdidn’tdoanythingwrong.”
“Istoppedbelievinginyou.Ibelievedthathorriblebitchoveryourword,andIthrewyouaway.”
“No.Youdidn’tthrowanythingaway,baby.”Itouchedherheart.“Don’tyouknowthatyouhave

myheart?It’salwaysrighttherewithyou.Youneverreallylostme,notforasecond,andyouneverwill.”

“Iloveyousomuch.”
“Nina,lookmeintheeyes.“Iloveyoutoo.Iwillalwaysloveyou.Thereisn’tanythingyoucould

everdoorsaytochangethat.”

“Doyourememberwhenyouaskedmetomakeyouablindpromise?ThatIwouldn’tleaveyou…

beforeyoutoldmeaboutIvy?”

“Yeah,ofcourse.”
“Well,I’maskingyoutodothesameformerightnow.BecausethereissomethingIneedtotell

you.”

“Okay.Yes.Ipromiseyou.Iwon’teverleaveyou…notforanything.”
Shecriedharder.“Ican’t.”
Iwipedhertearswithmythumb,holdingherbeautifulfaceinmyhands.“Baby,pleasetellme

what’sgoingon.You’rescaringtheshitoutofme.”

Sheclosedhereyesandletoutalongbreath.“Ryanwasthere…thenightthatyouweredrunkand

thatwhorewasattheapartment.Hesaweverything.Heknewthatnothingreallyhappenedbetweenyou
two,buthenevertoldme.”

Myjawtightened.“What?”
“Hewasinhisroom.Whenheheardhercometothedoor,hewatchedyoufromthehallway

withoutyouknowing.Hesawthatshecameontoyouwhileyouweresleepingandthatyouweretelling
hertoleave.”

IlookedupattheceilingindisbeliefandthenbackatNina.“Itoldyou.”
“Iknow.Iamsoashamed.He’sliedtomeallthistime,evenseeinghowdevastatedIwas.He

onlytoldmethetruthlastnight.”

Iwoulddealwithhimlater.
“Whatchanged?”
“HereisthepartIamafraidtotellyou.”
Iclutchedbothofherhandstogetherandkissedthemsoftly.“Baby,comeon.AfteralltheshitI’ve

putyouthrough?I’mnotgoinganywhere.”

“IconfidedinRyanaboutsomething,andhehadnochoicebuttocomeclean.”
“I’mnotfollowingyou.”
“WhenIcamehomefromspringbreak,Igotsick.Doyourememberthat?”
“Yeah.”
“AndthenIdisappearedforawhile…”
“Yes…howcouldIforget?Youexplainedthatinyourvoicemail,thatyouwerejustweighingthe

decisionofbeingwithmelongtermbecauseofmyresponsibilitieswithIvy,andIunderstand.”

“No…youdon’t.Itwasn’tjustaboutIvy.Thatfactoredintoit,but—”

Iwassweating.“Justtellme.”
“Istartedfeelingsickthelastfewdaysofspringbreak.Iwasvomitingatmyparents’house.Ihad

noappetite.”

“Alright...”
“So,Itookapregnancytest.”Shebreathedinandoutdeeply.“Itwaspositive,Jake.”
Mybodyjoltedbackwardinasharpintakeofbreathasshesaidthosewords.Myhandsbeganto

shakeasitstartedtodawnonmewhyshewashere.

Whytherewasblood.
Whyeveryonewaslookingateachothersuspiciouslyinthewaitingroom.
Everyonebutmeknewthatmybabymayhavediedtonight.
“Isthebaby…”Icouldn’tevensayit,couldn’tevenfathomit.
Shebegantocryharder,squeezedhereyesshutandwasbarelyaudible.“Idon’tknow.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Hejustdidapelvicexam,andnowthey’rerunningabloodtestandcomingintodoan

ultrasound.We’llknowsomethingsoon.”

Icoveredmymouth,talkingintomyhand.“No.”
Oncetheinitialshockfaded,Iclosedmyeyesandimmediatelystartedpraying.
DearGod,pleaseletourbabybeokay.
Myhandmovedgentlyoverherstomachasifitwerecoveredinshardsofbrokenglass.“You’ve

beengoingthroughthisallalone.Whydidn’tyoutellme?”

“WhenIfirstfoundout,Iwassoscared.Youweregoingthroughsomuch.HowcouldIpossibly

tellyouthatyouwereabouttobeafatherontopofthat?So,Iputitoff.Iliedtoyouthatfirstnightback
frommyparents’.ItoldyouIhadmyperiodandthatIjustwasn’tfeelingwell,butitwasreallymorning
sickness.Then,Istartedtofreakout,wonderinghowIwasgoingtocontinueschoolandtakecareofa
babywhenyouwereleavingeveryweekendtovisitIvy.That’swhyIwokeupinasweatthatnight.After
that,IknewIhadtostayawayfromyou,becauseIcouldn’tlookintoyoureyesandkeepitfromyou,butI
wasn’treadytotellyou,becausethatwouldhavemadeitreal.”

Mytoneborderedonangry.“Jesus…wereyouevergoingtotellme?”
“Yes…ofcourse.Themoredaysthatpassed,themoreIrealizedhowmuchImissedyou,thatI

couldn’teverlivewithoutyouorwiththethoughtofnotgoingthroughwithhavingourbaby.I’mtoo
young,andthetimingiswrong,buteachday,Ibecamemorecertainthatthiswasjustmeanttobe.Ihada
partofyougrowinginsideofme.IknewIlovedmybaby…ourbaby.So,Iknewitwastimetotellyou.
That’swhenIleftyouthatvoicemailandheadedstraightfortheapartment.”

“ThenightyousawLexiethere,”Isaidundermybreath,shakingmyheadinunderstanding.
“Iwasstillgoingtotellyouifthishadn’thappened.Ijustdidn’tknowhowtoapproachitsince

weweren’ttogetheranymore.Ihadbeenwaitingforthethree-monthmarknextweektobesurethe
pregnancywasdefinitelygoingtobeviable,beforeturningyourworldupsidedown.”

“Tellmewhathappenedlastnight.”
“IcamecleantoRyanaboutthepregnancy.Ineededtotellsomeone.EventhoughIknewhowhe

feltaboutyou,hereallyislikeabrothertome.Iwasn’treadytotellmyparents.Ofcourse,heknewthe
babywasyours.HebrokedowninguiltandtoldmethetruthaboutthenightIwalkedinonyou.He
wasn’tgoingtoevertellmebecausehewantedyououtofmylife.He’sneverthoughtyouweregoodfor
me.”

Iwantedtokillhim.
Shecontinued.“IgotsoupsetathimforkeepingitfrommethatIhithim.Itrulyhatedhimfor

whathedid.ButIwasmoreupsetatmyselffornotbelievinginyou.Icriedtheentirenight.Iwasso
overcomewithsadnessandfeltlikeIwasgoingtodiefromit.Then,thatsongthatJimmyandyourDad

loved,CrimsonandClover,cameontheradio,andItotallylostit.Itriedtogetsomesleep,butallI
couldthinkaboutwashowIhadkeptsomethingsoimportantfromyouforsolong.”Shewasstartingto
breakdownagain.

“Pleasedon’tcry.Iloveyousomuch.Comehere.”Iheldherinmyarmsforminutesuntilthe

tearsstopped,andthenshecontinuedthestory.

“AfterRyanleft,Iwasinbedandstartedfeelingsomewetness.WhenIlookeddown,therewas

bloodallovermysheets.IwassoscaredbecauseitfeltlikeIwaslosingthebaby.Itwasmyfaultfor
gettingsoupset.I—”

“Noway.No.Nina…youwillnotblameyourselfforthis.”
“Itismyfault.”
“Ifyouwanttoblamesomeone,blameme.IwastheonewhoneverusedacondomthatdayI

practicallyattackedyouwhenIfoundyouinmybed.NoneofthiswouldhavehappenedifIhadbeen
responsibleandprotectedyou.Tobehonest,though,Iwouldn’tgobackandchangeanything,ifthisbaby
turnsouttobeokay.TheonlythingIwouldregretiscausingyoupain,butachildwithyouwouldbea
blessing.”Iburiedmyfaceinherneckandbreathedinherdelicatescent.

Theremaynotbeababyanymore.
IsuddenlyrememberedthestrangefeelingIgotinthemiddleofthenight…aboutanhourafter

hearingthesamesongcomeontheradio.IknewnowthatIhadsomehowsensedonacellularlevelthat
mybabywasintrouble.

Mybaby.
Ourchild.
ApartofmeandapartofNina.
Ihadonlyknownofitsexistenceforamatterofminutes.Suddenly,therewasnothingmore

important.Ihadgivenupmydreamofeverbecomingafatheralongtimeago,butsecretly,Ipinedforit.I
wantednothingmorethantobeabletogiveachildthesamekindoflovemyfathergavemeintheshort
timewehadtogetherandtobeabledothethingsweneverhadachanceto.

Iwasafather.
EvenifGodforbid,thisbabydidn’tmakeit,fromthisdayforward,Iwillalwayshavebeen

someone’sfather…anangelinheaven.Noonecouldevertakethataway.

Fearandpainbuiltupinsidemeastherealitysetin.Thissituationdidnotlookgood.Itriednotto

getmyhopesup.Howitwaspossibletobeelatedanddevastatedatthesametime,wasbeyondme,but
thatwastheonlywaytodescribethisfuckedupconfusion.

Thesoundofapassingbabycryinginthehallwaystartledme.NinaandIlookedateachother.It

wasobviousthatwewerethinkingthesamething.Icouldseeinhereyeshowmuchshewantedourbaby
too.Itpainedmethatshehadbeengoingthroughallofthisalone.Notanymore.Nomatterwhathappens,
Iwasmorecertainthaneverthatthiswasthepathlaidoutforme:afuturewithNinaandourchild…our
futurechildren,hopefullylotsofthem.

Hereyeswereclosed,andIleanedintokissherface.“We’regonnagetthroughthis.Nomatter

whathappens,wearegoingtogetthroughthistogether.”

Thesoundofthedoorsqueakingopencausedbothofustositupsuddenly.Igrabbedherhandand

heldontoitlikeourlivesdependedonit.

Thedoctorwalkedinwithatechnicianwhobroughtinanultrasoundmachine.Therollingsound

ofthewheelsseemedunusuallyloudandalarming,likethunder.IwonderedifNinacouldtellhowscared
Iwas,becauseIwastryingtoputonstrongface.

“Okay,Nina…we’rejustgoingtoopenupyourgown.You’regoingtofeelacoolgelonyour

stomach.Thisisgoingtoallowustotakealookandseewhat’sgoingon.”Thetubeofwhatevercrapthey
wereputtingonhermadealoudsquirtingsound.

AsImovedoutoftheway,Ninareachedforthereturnofmyhand,andIsqueezedherstightlyas

theyweresettingupthemachineandrubbingthatstuffonherbelly,whichwasstillalmostperfectlyflat.
Itwashardtoimagineahumangrowinginsideofthere.Shebecamefixatedonthedragontattooonmy
leftarm,somethingshealwaysseemedtofocusinonwhenshewasreallynervous.Iwasgratefulfor
anythingthatcouldbeofcomforttoherrightnow,becauseIwasnothingbutauselessballofnerves.

Myhandbegantoshake.Fuck.
Shelookedatmeandsaidthroughtears,“It’sokay.It’sokaytobescared.”
Shewascomfortingmenow.Iwasn’tevengoingtofeignstrengthanymorebecauseIwasscared

shitless.

Imouthedsilently,“Iloveyou.”
Next,theydimmedthelights,whichspookedme.Itwasliketheywereabouttoshowahorror

movie,exceptinsteadofpopcorn,theroomsmelledlikeantiseptic.Thewomanturnedonamonitor,and
theyputthisnozzleonNina’sstomach,rubbingitaroundoverthegel.Afteraboutaminute,therewasa
reallystrangesound.

Swoosh.
Swoosh.
Swoosh.
Swoosh.
Itwasfreakingmeout.“Whatisthatsound?”
Thedoctorlookedatmewithaslightsmile.
Hewassmiling.
“Jake,that’syourbaby’sheartbeat.”
Heturnedthemonitortowardsus,andIbecamecompletelymesmerizedbythesightofthegrayish

silhouetteonthescreenthatlookedlikeanalienwithagiganticheadandatinybody.Thedoctorpointed
totheheartbeating,whichlookedlikeatinypulsatingbean.Myeyescouldn’tmovefromthemonitor
becauseIhadneverseenanythingsobeautifulasmychild’sheartbeating,armsandlegsmovingaround
inNina’sbelly.Iwasinawe,overcomewithemotion,asIcriedforthesecondtimeinmyadultlife.This
time,theyweretearsofjoy.

TheonlytimeItoremyeyesawayfromthatscreenwastolookatNina,whoseexpressionof

wondermatchedmyown.

Itwasunbelievablehowlifecouldchangeinaninstant.Suddenly,allofmyotherprioritiestooka

backseat.NothingmatteredmorethanthatheartbeatinginsideofNina.

“Iseverythingokay?”Ninaasked.
“I’mafraidwe’vediscoveredapossiblecauseforyourcomplications,althoughbleedingdoesn’t

normallyoccurasearlyasithasinyourcase.Youhaveaconditioncalledplacentaprevia.It’snot
typicallydiscovereduntilthesecondtrimester,whenthefirstultrasoundisnormallyperformed.”

Nina’sfacewasturningwhite.
Ishookmyhead.“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“Itmeansthattheplacentaiscoveringthecervix.Themajorityofthesecasescorrectthemselves

intime.However,ifitdoesnot,itbecomesveryseriousandcancauseexcessivebleedingduring
delivery,puttingthemotherandbabyatrisk.Inyourcase,I’malittleconcernedbecauseoftheamountof
bleedingyou’vealreadyexperiencedsoearlyoninconjunctionwiththiscondition.Ithinkthebestcourse
ofactionisgoingtobebedrestuntilwecanseeanimprovement.”

Onceagain,lifeasIknewitchangedinaninstant.ThedoctorcontinuedtalkingtoNinaaboutthe

precautionsshewouldneedtotake.Itfeltlikemyheartwaspoundingthroughmyhead.Theconversation
wasmuffledbecauseIcouldn’tfocusonanythingbuttheimageofourbabystillonthescreen,unableto
takemyeyesoffofit.Everythingelsefadedintothedistance.Whenthemonitorwenttoblack,Iwasn’t

abletoletitgo.

“CanIlistentotheheartbeatonemoretime?”
Thetechnicianrepositionedtheinstrument,andtheswooshingsoundreturned.Itwaspuremusic

tomyears.TherewasnodoubtthatIwouldgivemyownlifeifitmeantthisbabywouldsurvive.Inever
understoodhowpeoplecouldsaystufflikethatandhonestlymeanit…untilthisverymoment.Itwas
instant,unbridledlove,alongwithahelplessfearthatshookmetomycore,becauseIhadabsolutelyno
control.

Ican’tloseyou.
Iclosedmyeyesandlistenedtotheheartbeatonelasttimebeforetheytookthemachineaway.I

neverwantedtoforgetthesoundthatwouldreplayinmymindoverandover,fromthisdayforward,
becomingthesoundtrackofmylife.

CHAPTER30

NINA

ONEYEARLATER

IdreadedSaturdaybecausethatwasthedayhealwayswenttoseeher.Itriedreallyhardnotto

feelbitterandalwayssmiledwhenheleft,butsomedayswereharderthanothers.Hewasonlydoing
whatwasright,andheshouldn’thavehadtofeelbadaboutit.IknewwhatIwasgettingintowhenImade
thedecisiontobewithhim;shewasalwaysgoingtobepartofthedeal.

IthelpedalittlethatIknewinmyheartthathewouldhavemuchratherstayedhome.Itwas

writtenalloverhisfaceandIcouldfeelitintheintensityofthelastkisshe’dgivemebeforehe’dwalk
outthedoor.Butitwasimpossibletolovehimlikecrazyandnotfeelsomejealousyoverhisspending
timewithhisex-wife.Itwasn’tlikehewasvisitingasister.Thiswassomeonehehadlovedandmade
loveto,evenifitwasalongtimeago.ShehadexperiencedsomeofthesamethingsIhadwithhimand
thatmademeuneasy.

Atthesametime,Ifeltsorryforher,becauseIcouldn’timaginebeinginhershoes,havingtosee

Jakeweekafterweek,knowingthathisheartbelongedtosomeoneelse.Shecouldn’thavepossiblyloved
himasmuchasIdid,becauseIcouldneverhandlethat.Maybehermindwassofargonesometimes,that
itdidn’tbotherherasmuchasitshouldhave.Ihadnevermether,probablyneverwould…butIdidfeel
forher.

Thisarrangementwasalittleeasier,nowthatwelivedinBoston.Wehavebeentemporarily

stayingintheguestroomathissister’shouseuntilwecouldfindanapartment.Jakewasfinallyableto
findajobworthleavingNewYorkfor.BeingherecertainlymadeSaturdayslesspainfulbecauseitmeant
Iwouldneverhavetogotwenty-fourhourswithouthimagain.Iknewthatwhenhewenttoseeher,he
wouldbebackwithmebyearlyeveningandinmybedatnight.

Theironicthingwas,asmuchashisgoingtoherbotheredme…itmademelovehimevenmore.It

showedmehowdeeplydevotedhewastothepeoplehecaredabout,anditwasproofhewouldtreatme
thesame.Someofthestorieshehadtoldme—whatIvyhadsaidanddonetohimovertheyearswhenshe
wasn’tinherrightmind—werehorrifying,whichmadehisunwaveringdedicationevenmoreremarkable.

Lately,theroutinewasthesameeverySaturday.Hewouldgetup,shower,we’dhavebreakfast

together,andthenhewouldleaveforthedaytogoseeher.Today,thatpatternwasgoingtobebroken,
becauseIwasn’treadytosharehim.

Jakewassittingupattheedgeofourbed,abouttogetup.Hishairwasgettinglongerandwas

stickingoutinalldirections.Hehadn’tshavedinafewdaysandwassportingafiveo’clockshadow.
Somemightcallitmessy,buttome,helookedhotashell,betterthanever.Ihadtheperfectviewofthe
tribaltattooonthesideofhistorso,theonethatalwaysteasedme.Hisskinwasmoretanthanusualfrom
workingoutintheyard,paymenttohissisterforlettinguslivehereforthetimebeing.Myattractionto
himhadonlygrownstrongerovertime,butlatelyIhadbeendepressed,stuckinsidemyownhead,self-
consciousandhadstoppedgivinghimwhatheneeded.Rightnow,though,Iwasseeingthingsvery
clearly,almosttoomuchso,feelingpossessiveandwantinghimtomakelovetomemorethananything.It

feltlikemymindwascomingoutofafog.IthadbeenawhilesinceIhadreallyshowedhimhowmuchI
wantedhim.Iwasnotgoingtolethimleaveherewithanyshredofdoubtaboutthat.

“Hey,”Inudgedhisbackwithmyfoot.
Heturnedtomeandputhishandonmyleg,rubbingitgently.Hisvoicewasgroggy.“Hey…I

thoughtyouweresleeping.”

“Don’tleavejustyet.Stay.”
Hesawthelookonmyface,andhiseyesbuggedoutofhishead.“Areyousure?”
Ipulledthesheetsoffofmyselfrevealingmyfullynakedbody.Hehadn’tseenmelikethat,inthe

lightofday,inmonths.“Yes.Getoverhere.”

Heletoutalongunsteadybreath,andwithinseconds,hewasontopofme.Hisskinwaswarm,

andhewasfullyhardashecoveredmewithsoftkissesfrommyneckdowntomystomach.“Ihavebeen
dying,baby.Imissedthis.Imissedyou.God…Ilove…yourbody,”hewhisperedinbetweenbreaths,
kissinghiswaybackuptomymouth.

IwantedtotellhimhowbadlyImissedthistoobutcouldn’tspeak,havingbecomecompletely

absorbedinhimoncehislipscoveredmine.Thekissstartedoutslow,thenhenudgedmymouthopen
greedily,anditbecamedesperateasifwewerecompetingwitheachothertoprovewhowantedtheother
more.

Hebrokeawayjustlongenoughtosay,“Ineedtobeinsideofyou…rightnow…please…”
Inoddedthroughourkiss,andhespreadmylegsopen,enteringmewithoutfurtherpermission.I

gaspedatthefeeling,mademoreintensebyweeksofabsence.Ihadbeencruel,undeservingofthis
reward…ofhim.ItfeltbetterthanIeverrememberedit.

Ithadbeentoodamnlong.
Hemovedinsideofmefastandhard;therewasnooptiontobegentleafterthelongtorturouswait

Ihadputhimthrough.Hegroaneddeeplyfromthebackofhisthroat,anditwasloud.Hebitmyshoulder
tostiflethesoundsofhispleasure,defeatingthepurpose,becausethefeelofhisteethbitingintomemade
memoanevenlouderthanhehad.

Then,asifoncue,camethecriesfromacrosstheroom.
No.
No.
No.
Notyet.
Jakespokeintomyneckandpusheddeeperintomeinretaliation.“Fuck…notnow.Ican’tstop.”
Thecryingbecamelouder.
“Shit.Jake…Ihavetogethim.Heneverwokeupforhisfour-amfeeding.He’shungry.”
“SoamI,”hesaidhoarselyinmyear.Stillinsideofme,hismovementsslowedasheconceded

defeat,eventuallypullingout.

“Iknow…I’msorry.”
IsearchedformyrobeasJakegotup,threwhispantsonandwalkedovertothecornerofthe

room,liftingoursonoutofthecrib.A.J.’sdarkhairwasstickingup,wildandcrazy,justlikehisdaddy’s.
Jakekissedhimonthehead.“Iloveyou,youlittlecockblocker.”

IlaughedasIsatupagainsttheheadboardandgrabbedtheBoppypillow,ashehandedmethe

babyandplacedhimonmybreast.A.J.immediatelystartedsuckling,andIwasgladatleastoneofmy
guyswashappyforthemoment.

Hesatnexttome,andwebothlookeddownatoursoninawe,thenupateachother.Jake’s

unsatisfieddesireformestillshownalloverhiseyeswhentheymetmine.Hecaressedmyotherbreast
gentlywiththebackofhisindexfinger.“Youhaveneverlookedmorebeautifultomeasyoudoright
now,”hesaidbeforelayinghisheadonmyshoulder.

Iwantedsobadlytopickupintheshowerwhereweleftoff,onceA.Jhadbeenfed,butJakewas

alreadyrunninglate.Ontopofthat,Ihadaskedhimtocomehomeearly,becausewewouldbeleavingfor
avisittoNewYorkthisafternoon.ItwouldbeourfirsttimebacksinceA.Jwasborn.

“Ineedtogo,”hesaid.
“Iknow.”Inodded,offeringaslightsmile,determinednottoshowmysadness.
Hegotupfromthebedandwalkedtowardthebathroom,turningaroundandgesturingdowntohis

pants.Hewasstillhard.“Ihavetotakecareofthisintheshowerrealquick.”Hesnarled.“I’dratherbe
takingcareofitinsideofyou.”

Ismiled.“Raincheck?”
Hewalkedbackovertothebedandkneeledoverme,kissingmyforehead.“Iamsogladyou’re

feelingbetter.”

“Metoo.”
Hiseyessmoldered,andhisexpressionturnedserious.“I’musingthatrainchecktonight.Iwant

you…alltomyself.Promiseme.”

Iwantyounow.Iwantyoutostay.Ihateitwhenyouleavemetogoseeher.
“Ipromise.”
Heshookhishead,andhiseyeslookedwatery.“Iloveyousomuch,Nina.”
Iknewthatmybehaviorlatelyhadscaredhim.Reallyscaredhim.Hethoughthewaslosingme.

Hell,IthoughtIwaslosingmyself.

“Iloveyou,too.”
Withnotimeforbreakfast,heshoweredandleftbutnotbeforestoppingtokissA.J.andme

goodbye,lingeringlongerthanusualthistime.

Ilookeddownatourson,whowasnowfallingasleeponmybreast,hismouthmovingslowlybut

nolongerdrinking.“It’sjustyouandme,Bubs.Whatdoyouwanttodotoday?”Ibentdowntokisshis
headashisbreathingslowed.“Ithinkyou’redoingitrightnow.”

AlanJameswasnamedafterJake’sfatherandmybrotherJimmy.Hewasbornsixmonthsago

afteradifficultpregnancythatforcedmetodropoutofnursingschool.Themajorityofitwasspenton
bedrest,anditendedinaplannedc-section,duetotheplacentaprevia,whichhadn’tevercorrected
itself.Therecoveryfromsurgerywastough.WehadjustmovedtoBostonrightbeforeA.Jarrived,
becauseJakehadtostarthisnewjob.Eventhoughmymotherhadcometostaywithusforthefirsttwo
weeks,aftersheleft,itwasareallytoughadjustment.Jake’ssister,Allison,hasbeengreatandtriesto
helpgivemeabreakwhenshe’snotworking,butlivinghere,asbigastheirhouseis,wasnottheideal
situation.Wereallyneededourownspace,butit’sbeendifficulttofindsomethingaffordablecloseto
Jake’sfamily,whichiswhatwewant.Sixmonthslater,wewerestilllivinginhissister’shouse,butit’s
helpedusworktowardssavingupforourownhome.

Myparentshadn’tevenmetJakeyetwhenIhadtotellthemIwaspregnant.Theywereextremely

upsetatfirst,buteventually,theyacceptedeverything.Aftergettingtoknowhim,theyhavewarmedupto
himsomewhat.MyrelationshipwithRyanisstillrocky,althoughheandJaketalkedeverythingoutone
nightbutnotbeforeJakedeckedhimintheheatofthemoment.RyanandTarahhavesincebrokenup,and
shemovedoutoftheapartment.SheandIstilltalkonthephonebuthavegrownapartsomewhatsince
A.J.wasborn.Ryanisnowlivingwiththreebrandnewroommates.

Basically,myentirelifewasturnedupsidedowninthecourseofayear.Lookingdownatmyson,

peacefullysleepinginmyarms,hewasthespittingimageofhisfather.Ikneweverythingendedupthe
wayitwasmeantto.Asdifficultasallofthesetransitionshavebeen,they’vehelpedmegrowasa
person.

MyonlyrealregretwashowI’vetreatedJakeoverthepastcoupleofmonthsasaresultofwhat

mydoctordiagnosedaspostpartumdepression.EventhoughIseemedtobecomingoutofitnow,whenit

wasatitsworst,Iwouldn’tevenlethimtouchme.Iwasconvincedmybodywasruinedfromthebaby,
eventhoughheassuredmethathehadneverwantedmemoreandthatIwasmorebeautifulthaneverto
him.

IhadalsofeltreallyinadequateasamotherandbeganworryingthatIcouldn’tproperlytakecare

ofmyson.Iwouldhavenightmaresaboutharminghimthatwouldkeepmeupatnight.Iwasleftalonea
lotduringthedayandhadtoomuchtimetothink.ItfeltlikeIwasgoingcrazy.Butwithalightdoseof
medicationthatthedoctorsaysissafetousewhilebreastfeeding,alongwithaweeklytherapysession,
I’vefeltalotbetterlately.Apparently,withmyhistoryofanxietyissuesandthehormonalchangesIwas
goingthrough,itwastheperfectstorm.

Jakehadreallywantedtogetmarriedbeforeoursonwasborn,buthisdivorcewasn’tfinalized

untiltwomonthsafter.Eventhen,Itoldhimitwastooearlytogetmarried,sosoonafterhisdivorce.He
andIfoughtaboutit,becausehefeltthatIdoubtedhisloveformeorthattheremighthavebeensomething
elseholdingmebackbecauseofthewayIhadbeenacting.Irealizenowthatmyfeelingsatthetimewere
adirectresultofthepostpartumdepression.Lately,he’sbackedoffcompletelyfromthemarriageissue.
Thelastfightwehad,hevowednevertobringitupagainforaslongashelived.Ialmostwishedhe
would,becausenowIworrythathe’smovedpastit.AndIdowanttobehiswife…badly.Whenhe
walkedoutthatdoortoday,IwishedsomuchthatIwas.

Thatshipmayhavesailed,though.Mystrongreluctancetomakeitlegalassoonaswewereable

to,reallyupsethim.Duringoneargument,Ihadaccusedhimofonlywantingtomarrymebecauseofthe
baby.Iknewthatwasalowblowandneverreallybelievedthat.ThiswasaroundthesametimeI
stoppedlettinghimtouchme,attheheightofthedepression.Onenight,hecamehomelatefromwork.I
hadjustputthebabydowntosleep,whenhewalkedinandbackedmeupagainstthewallintoa
passionatekiss.Then,hehelduphishand.Hehadtattooedmynamearoundhisringfingerandsaidwith
tearsinhiseyes,“Youwon’tmakeitpermanent…well,Ijustdid.”Thathadkilledmeinside,butmyhead
stillwasn’tinagoodenoughplacethentomakeitright.

ThankGod,IwascomingoutofitnowandcouldseesoclearlyhowluckyIwas.
Ineededtomakeitright.

***

JakemadeithomerightontimeandA.J.andIwerewaitingatthewindow.
Whenhewalkedinthedoor,Iforcedmyusualquestion.“Howwasshe?”
“Shewasokaytoday…inagoodmood,”hesaid.“Shedidn’tkickmeout.”Healwayssearched

myeyestomakesurehewasn’tupsettingme.

“Good.”
Hehuggedmetightly,andIfelthismusclesrelaxinmyarms.“Stillfeelingokay,baby?”
“Yeah…Iam.”Ismiled.“Really.”
“Thatmakesmesohappy.”Hekissedme,moaningunderhisbreath.“Let’shittheroad.Ican’tget

youinthathotelroomtonightfastenough.”

“Youbetterprayhesleepsthen.”
“I’llbespendingtheentirefourhourdriveprayingforthat,believeme.”
SinceitwasaSaturday,therewasnorushhourtraffic,andwemadeittoNewYorkinunderfour

hours.Jakeheldmyhandtheentirecarride,sneakingsideglancesmorethanusual,apparentlywaitingfor
theballtodrop,formymoodtochange.Itamazedmehowhismoodoftendependedonmine.IfIwas
happy,sowashe.Itwasjustanothertestamenttohowstronglyhelovedme.Atonepoint,hesmiledand

said,“Pleasetellmemybabyisback.”

LookingdownathishandsqueezingmineremindedmeofourplaneridehomefromChicagoover

ayearago.Itwashardtobelievehowmuchhadchangedbetweenthenandnow.Onethingthatwas
exactlythesamethough,washowitfeltwhenhetouchedme.Itgavemethesamegoosebumpsrightnow,
asitdidthen.Iwasreallylookingforwardtoourlong-awaited“reunion”latertonight.

Beforewecouldgettothathotelroominthecity,wehadaveryimportantstoptomakejustover

theGeorgeWashingtonBridgeinJersey;itwasthemainreasonforourNewYorktrip.

***

Icouldn’tbelievehowbeautifulthestraplesswhitedresswas,asIpulleditup…absolutely

breathtaking.

Itwasn’tsomuchthedressbutthepersoninsideofit.
“Skylar…youlooksobeautiful.”
“Thanks,Sissy.”
Ilovedhernicknameforme.Shedeemedmeherhonorarysister,sinceneitherofushadone.We

promisedtofillthatroleforeachotherduringallofthebigmomentsinourlives.Shewastoosickto
cometoBostonwhenA.J.wasbornbutwasfeelingalotbetternowthathertreatmentswereoverforthe
timebeing.Itoncedawnedonmethatcancerhadtakenawaymybrother,butinastrangeway,ithad
givenmeasister.Ifshehadn’tbeeninthehospitalthatday,Iwouldhavenevermetthepersonwho’s
inspiredmemorethananyoneeverhad.

So,asherbigsister,Iwasheretoperformmysisterlyduties.
“Grabtheducttape.You’regonnabindmyboobiestogether,”shesaid.
“What?Whywouldyouwanttodothat?”
“Instantcleavage.Comeon…it’soverthere.”
Ipulledalongpieceoftapeoutassheheldhermediumsizedbreaststogether.“Ican’tbelieveI

amdoingthis,”Isaidasshetwirledaround.

“Well,notallofusareluckyenoughtobeasboobiferousasyou.Although,Ihavetosay,that

situationisgettingalittleoutofcontrol.”

“It’sbecauseI’mbreastfeedingA.J.”
“A.J.andasmallthirdworldcountry,apparently.”
“Shutup.”Ilaughed.“Jakelikesthem.”
“Well,ifheevergoesmissing,I’llmakesuretosendtheauthoritiesstraighttoyourboobietrap.”
Wewerebothcrackingupnow.Shealwaysputmeinthebestmoodwithhersenseofhumor.I

liftedthewhitedressbackupoverhernewcleavageasshelookedinthefull-lengthmirror.

“Muchbetter,”shesaid.“Canyougrabmywig?It’sonthetopshelfofthecloset.”
Eventhoughherhairwasstartingtogrowback,itwasstillveryshort,sosheoptedtowearthe

longauburnwigIhadgottenher.WhenIplaceditonherheadaswelookedinthemirror,herexpression
brightened.

Iwassmilingsowide,mymouthhurt.Shelookedlikeasupermodel.“Mitchisgoingtodie.”
Myphonevibrated,andthenIheardLoveinanElevatorbyAerosmith,whichJakeprogrammed

inastheringtoneforhiscalls.ClassicJake.Ipickedup.“Hey,babe…yeah,she’sjustaboutready.You
guyscancomeoverinlikefiveminutes,okay?”

JakehadA.J.withhimacrossthestreetatMitch’shouse.TheywerehangingouttherewhileI

helpedSkylargetready.Mitchandshewerestillbestfriends,butSkylarhaditbadforhim.Theyhadn’t

crossedthatlineyet,andIwashopingthingswouldn’tgetoutofcontroltonight,becauseshewasstilltoo
young.ButIknewhowstrongherfeelingsforhimwere,sowehadatalkaboutbeingcarefulintheevent
thatsomethingweretohappen.

Mitchhadaskedhertoaccompanyhimtohisjuniorpromseveralmonthsagowhenshewasstill

sickinthehospital.Forawhile,weweren’tsureifshewasgoingtobeabletogo.Hetoldherifshe
couldn’tgowithhim,hewasn’tgoingeither.Thankgoodness,sheisfeelingbetterandwasabletomake
it,becausethiswasoneofherdreamscometrue.

WeheardthedoorbellringandletSkylar’smotheransweritwhileItoucheduphermakeup.From

thetopofthestaircase,IcouldseethatMitchwasstandingtherenexttoJake,whohadA.J.onhischestin
theBabyBjorn.

Mitchlookedextremelyhandsomeinablacksuit,hisunrulybrownhairsculptedtoperfection.He

hadmaturedalotsincethepicturesIhadseenofhimwhenIfirstmetSkylarandnowhadadecent
amountofchinhair.Hewasturningintoaman.

WhenSkylarwalkeddownthestairs,thelookonMitch’sfaceshowedalovethathadbeen

bottledup,finallysetfree.Iftherewasanydoubtabouthistruefeelingsforher,itwaswipedawayinthat
momentwhenIlookedathisbrightblueeyesuponseeingher.

“Skylar…I…”Hewasspeechless.
IntypicalSkylarfashion,shebroketheice.“Yeah,yeah…youlookhot,too.Let’sgetoutofhere.”
Afterstoppingtotakepictures,MitchandSkylarwalkedtowardthewaitingwhiteHummer

limousinethatwouldbeheadedtopicksomeoftheirfriends.

JakestoppedMitchbeforehegotin.“Hey,Bitch.Don’tforgetwhatIsaid.”
MitchlookedbackatJakeandsmiled.“Alright,man.”
Iwonderedwhatthatwasallabout,asIwalkedovertotheothersideofthelimotogiveSkylara

finalhuggoodbye.

“Thankyou,Sissy,”shesaidandIcouldn’thelplettingtheteardropthatformedinmyeyeloose.
“Iloveyou,”Isaid,nowfullyengulfedintears.
Jake,A.J.andIstoodinthemiddleoftheemptysuburbanstreetasthesunwasstartingtoset,

watchingthelimountilitwascompletelyoutofsight.

IturnedtoJake.“WhatdidyousaytoMitchanyway?”
“Itoldhimnottowastetimewithbullshit…totellherexactlyhowhefeels.Didyouknowthat

dudestartedtotearupwhenhewastalkingtomeabouthowhefearedshewouldn’tevenbealivewhen
hispromcamearound,letalonebeabletogowithhim?Hehassomedeep-rootedfeelingsforher,and
it’sjuststupidtoholdthemin,youknow?”

“Wow.”
Helookedatme.“Iknowhowscaryitcanbetolovesomeonethatstrongly,butyoucan’tlivein

fear.”

Ilovedhimsomuch.
Askmetomarryyounow.Iswear,I’llsayyes.
“AndIalsogavehimsomecondoms,”Jakesaid.
“Youdidwhat?”
“Comeon,don’tbenaïve.Itmightnothappen,buthedamnwellbettercoveritupifitdoes.”
“Isupposeyou’reright,especiallywiththewayhewaslookingather.Ihadatalkwithhertoo.”I

kissedA.J.ontheheadashesatquietlyinJake’sarmsinthecarrierandsaidinababyvoice,“Weknow
allaboutthesurprisesthatunprotectedsexcanbring.”

“Speakingofunprotectedsex…Iplantohavealotofittonight,”hewhisperedinmyear.
Icouldn’twaittogettoourroomeither.“Let’sgetgoingthen.”

CHAPTER31

Whenwearrivedatourhotelinthecity,Jakehadsurprisedmewithatwo-bedroomsuite,sothat

wecouldhavesomeprivacywhenthebabywasasleep.Itmusthavecosthimafortune.Thefrontdesk
clerkhandedustwokeycards.“Thisoneisforyou,andyoucangivethisonetoyourwife,”shesaid.

Jakestaredrightthroughmewhenhetookthemandcorrectedher.“Mygirlfriend.Thanks.”
Ouch.
Wehadn’tsaidanythingtoeachotheronourwayuptotheroom.Normally,wheneverwewerein

anelevator,Jakewouldstartcrackingjokesaboutourfirstexperiencetogetherinone.Buttonight,he
didn’tsayaword.Somethingwasupsettinghim.

Thesuitewassmallbutnice,decoratedincozywarmcolors.Ithadasmallerbedroomoffofthe

mainroomandakitchenette.ThehotelhadsetupacribinthesecondbedroomforA.J.

Ihadtofeedhimbeforeputtinghimdown,soIwarmedasmalljarofpureedcarrotsinthe

microwave.

“Letmedothat,”Jakesaidcurtly,grabbingthecarrots.“Gotakeashower.”
Heseemedtense.
“Okay.”
Asthewaterbeatdownonme,Ikeptthinkingabouthowhismoodseemedtohavedampened

comparedtoearlierinthedayandhowtheword“girlfriend”hadrolledoffofhistonguewithdisdain
downinthelobby.IhopedthattonightIcouldundosomeofthedamagemyactionshadcausedthesepast
coupleofmonths.

WhenIexitedthebathroom,thesteampouredintothebedroomasIheldthesmalltoweltightly

overmychest,barelyabletowrapitaroundme.Mybreastswerefull,needingtobeemptiedsinceA.J.
wasoverdueforhisnighttimefeeding.

JakehadfinishedgivinghimthecarrotsandhadlaidanowsleepingA.J.backdowninthecar

seatcarrier,soI’dhavetowakehimupatsomepointtonursebeforeputtinghiminthecrib.

JakesatontheedgeofthebedwatchingmeasIstruggledtoholdthesmallwhitehoteltowel

closedwhileIwalkedovertotheovernightbagtograbmypajamas.Icouldfeelhimfollowingmyevery
move.Istartedmakingmywayovertothebathroomtochange.AsIwasenteringthedoorway,hecame
upfrombehindandputhishandonmyarm,stoppingme.

Hisvoicewasgruff.“Whereareyougoing?”
Ileanedmybackagainstthesink.“Iwasgoingtochangeinhere.”
“Awayfromme?Whydon’tyouwantmelookingatyouanymore?Youneverusedtohidefromme

likethat.”

Iswallowednervously,notknowinghowtoanswer.Iwasn’tintentionallytryingtohurthim.“I…

guessit’sjustahabit.”

Thatwasn’tananswer,andIknewit.Therewasnogoodexcuse.Ihadjustbecomeusedtohiding

myselffromhimlatelybecauseIwasstillself-consciousaboutmybody.Hethoughtitwasmorethatthat.
IlookedintohiseyesandsawthatthefearIhadinstilledinhimwasverymuchaliveandwell.Oneday
ofmyactingnormal,tellinghimthingsweregettingbetter—evenifImeantit—couldnotsuddenlyundo
weeksofdenyinghim,shuttinghimaway,notevenlettinghimtouchme.Forthefirsttime,Ireallysaw
howdeeplyIhadfuckedhimup…fuckedusup.

“Itwasn’taconsciousthing,Jake.Ididn’tmeantohurtyou.”
Heloweredhisheadontomybreastsandletoutalongdeepbreaththroughthetowelovermy

skin,holdingmeagainstthesink.“Well,Ididn’tmeantoletitshow…howbadlyyouhurtme.I’msorry.
It’sjustthatyouhidyourselffrommejustnowandIthought…thatmeant…itwasbackagain.”

“Youhaveeveryrighttobeangry.”
Hedidn’trespond.
Hewouldn’tlookatme.Hisheadwasstillburiedinmychest.Hisbreathingwasrapidandmy

legsbegantoquiverbecauseIwantedhimbadly.“Iwantyou,”Isaid.“Ifyou’remad…takeitouton
me…makelovetome.”

Hespokeagainstmyskin.“Idon’tknowifyoucanhandleme…thewayI’mfeelingrightnow.”
Itorethetowelfrominbetweenus,throwingitontheground.Thattriggeredavisceralreactionin

him,andhebegantosuckonmyneckhardashepulledmyhairbackroughly.Myfullbreaststingled,a
reminderthatIneededtowakeA.J.,butIcouldn’tmovefromthisspot.Mynippleshardened,andwhen
milkbegantotrickleout,Jakesuckedtheexcessoutofeachbreast.Itwasthefirsttimehehadeverdone
that.Thesensationofhishotmouthsuckingthemilkoutofmewhilehemoaned,drovememad.Ialmost
cameandcouldfeelliquidpoolingbetweenmylegs.Icouldn’teverrememberbeingthatturnedonby
anythinginmylifeandfeltlikeIcouldn’tseestraight.

Hismouththenmoveddowntomyabdomenashedroppedtohisknees.HeknewIwasmostself-

consciousaboutmystomach.Whenhefeltmetenseup,hekisseditharder,grazingitwithhisteeth,
unwaveringinhisdeterminationtostakehisclaimonthatpartofmybody,despitemyinsecurities.

Helookedupatmewithbothpalmsonmybelly,thengentlybrushedhisfingerlowerovermyc-

sectionscar.“Don’teverhidethisfrommeagain.Thisiswheremybabywas,wheremyotherbabies
willcomefrom.It’sprecioustome,andit’sbeautiful.”Hekisseditonelasttimesoftly.“You’re
beautiful.”

Forthefirsttime,Ibelievedhimwhenhesaidit.
Hestoodup,toweringoverme.Hishairwasdisheveled,andastraypiecefelloverhisdarkened

greeneyes.Hiserectionwasstrainingthroughhisbeigecargoshorts,andhewaslookingatmelikehe
wasabouttoattack.Hethentookmybottomlipintohismouthandsuckedithard,slowlyreleasingit.I
wasgrowingimpatientwithneedandtuggedathisblackNineInchNailst-shirttryingtopullitoverhis
head.Ijumpedwhenheabruptlymovedmyhandsoffofhim.

Then,hewalkedaway.
“Gofeedyourson.I’mgoingtotakeashower.”

CHAPTER32

JAKE

Iturnedthelevertomakethewatercolder.Ineededtocalmthefuckdown.Ididn’tknowwhat

cameovermeoutthere,butitwasn’tgood.Eventhoughshewasencouragingit,ifIhadtakenanother
stepforward,itwouldhavebeenlikeatornadotouchingdown.Ifeltincapableofbeinggentleandknew
theendresultofthepossessiveurgesflowingthroughmewouldhavescaredtheshitoutofher.

Ihadsnappedtonight,anditwasaboutmorethanjusthershieldingherbodyfromme.Itwasthe

factthatfromthebeginning,IneverfeltlikeIdeservedher.Asidefromthepastcoupleofmonths,shehad
alwayswipedawaythatdoubtwithherloveandherstrongphysicalneedforme.Whenthepostpartum
stuffhappened,almostoutoftheblue,shestartedtopushmeaway,andallofmyinsecuritiesmovedto
theforefront,growinglikeacancerIcouldn’tstop.

Everysingledayofthosetwomonths,IfeltlikeIwaslosinghermore.Weweresupposedtobe

happybecausewefinallyhadeverythingwewanted,right?Thebabywashealthy.Thedivorcewasfinal.
Butthatwaswheneverythingstartedtocrumble.IwantedtheoldNinaback,andthesepastfewdays
werethefirstinweeksthatIstartedtobelieveshewasslowlyreturningtome.

OnthecarridefromJerseytothehotel,Istartedthinkingaboutmaybeproposingtoheragain

tonight.Iknewshecouldtellsomethingwasoffwithmefromthewayshewaslookingatmeinthehotel
elevator.Mydoubtshadgottenthebestofme.Ihadmyselfconvincedshe’donlysaynoagainand
couldn’tbeartohearitonemoretime.Nottomention,Ivowednevertoaskheragain.So,Imadea
decisiontoholdoff,andthatputmeinashittymoodbecauseIwantednothingmorethantohearNinasay
she’dbemywife.IwanteditforA.J.,butmostlyonaselfishlevel,Ineededtoknowthatshebelongedto
meineveryway.

Justwhenmymindhadcalmeddownabitfromoverthinkingeverything,shecameoutofthat

showergrippinghertowelclosedsotightlyyouwouldhavethoughtIwasagrizzlybear.ThatwaswhenI
crackedbecauseitfeltlikeamajorstepback,likeanyminuteshewasgoingtobetellingmenottotouch
heragain.

Thatwouldhavekilledme.
WhenIsawhowbadlysheseemedtowantme,IknewIhadoverreacted.Butbythattime,my

desperationforherwassostrong,Ihadtojusttakeastepbackwardsandcooldown.IfIgaveintothat
kindofsexualenergy,fueledbyangerandfrustration,IknewIwouldhavebeentooaggressive.Given
howvulnerableshewaslately,IneededtogetagripbeforeIscaredherawayforgood.

WhenIgotoutoftheshower,shewasstillintheotherroomfeedingA.J.,andIwassittingonthe

bed,staringatthecloseddoor,thinkingthatIwouldn’thaveblamedherifshenevercamebackout.I
couldonlyimaginewhatshewasthinkingnowthatshehadtimetopondermyfuckedupbehavior.

Whenthedooropenedabouttenminuteslater,ithadfeltlikeIhadbeenwaitingforever.Isatup

straighteronthebedasshewalkedtowardme,andwithouthesitation,sheunbuttonedherpajamatop
throwingitontheground.Shethenslippedoutofherunderwearandthrewthembehindher.Shewasnow
standingbeforemecompletelynaked.Ittookallofmywillpowernottotouchher,butsomethingtoldme
towait,thatshewasinthedriver’sseat.

Herchestwasrising,andIcouldtellshewasstilluncomfortablewithherbodybeingexposed,

butshewasgoingwithit…forme.

Icaressedhermilkyskinwiththebackofmyhand.“Ijustgotscared,baby.I’msorry.”
“Don’tapologizeforsomethingIcreated.Ididthattoyou,Jake.Ilostmywaybecauseofmy

crazyhormones,andinthemidstofit,Iforgotthemostimportantthing:thatIbelongtoyouandthat
nothingismoreimportantthanmakingsureyouknowyou’relovedbyme.Iwillnevertreatyouthatway
again.”

“Iwasbeinginsecureandimpatient.Youcouldn’thelpit.Youweresick.I—”
“Ihandleditwrong.Iranawayfromyouinsteadoftowardyou.Imadeyouinsecureaboutus.

Yourreactiontomycoveringmyselftonight…itdidn’tupsetme;it’sproofofhowmuchyouloveme.”
Shelookedawayalmosthesitanttocontinue,thensaid,“Youknowwhat?Ihaveinsecurities,too.Since,
we’rebeinghonest…IhatethatIhavetogiveyouuptoIvyonSaturdays.Igetjealous.Inevertellyou
that,becauseyou’redoingtherightthing,andit’shardenoughforyou.EventhoughIknowyoudon’tlove
herthesameway,itstillmakesmeuneasybecauseIdon’twanttoshareyou.Iknowhowdesperatemy
loveforyoucanmakemefeelsometimes.So,that’showIknowthatyourreactiontodaywasjustbecause
ofhowmuchyouloveme.”

Icouldn’ttakeitanymore.Iwasburstingattheseamsinmorewaysthanone.Shewasstill

standingovermewhenIpulledhernakedbodytowardme.ShestraddledmeasIcontinuedtositupon
theedgeofthebed.Ihadalreadybeenhardfromjustlookingather,butnowthatshewasontopofme,I
wasabouttoexplode.

Myheadwasdown,buriedinhergoldenhairthatsmelledlikethecoconuthotelshampoo.Ispoke

overherskin.“OfallthetimesIthoughtIhadlostyou,nothinghasbeenscarierthanthepastcoupleof
months.Iamstillfuckingterrifiedyou’regonnatellmeanyminutenottotouchyouagain.”

“Thatwasn’treallyme,Jake.Lookatme.”Sheputbothofherhandsonmyheadandliftedmy

facetohers.Hereyeswerewatery.“Iamfeelingbetter.This…isme.Comingoutofadepressioninsome
waysislikebeingbornagainintoabetterlife.Ifyoucanmakeitthroughtheworst,youappreciate
everythingyouholddear,somuchmore.It’slikethesunafterarainstorm.Ican’tpromisethatthe
darknesswon’teverstrikeagain,butIknowhowtoidentifyitnowandlearnedhowtohandleit.One
thingIamsureof,isthatIwillneverpushyouawaylikethatagain…ever.YouandA.J.aremyworld.I
amsorryifImadeyousufferalongwithme.”

“Don’tyougetit,Nina?Icanhandlesufferingwithyou,baby.Isn’tthathowwestarted…my

holdingyourhandthrougheverything?Iwanttospendtherestofmylifedoingthat.I’dgothroughhell
andbackoverandoverforyou.It’slosingyouIcan’tbear.Whenyouhidefromme,whenyoutellmenot
totouchyou,itscaresme.I’llsufferwithyouanyday,aslongasyouletmeloveyou.”

Atearfelldownhercheek,andIranmytongueoverit,lickingitaway.“Don’tcry,”Iwhispered.

“Ithurtsmewhenyoucry.Iloveyousomuch.”

“I’mnotgoinganywhere.Ineedyoutobelievethat,”shesaid.
Therewerenofurtherwordsnecessary.Icouldfeelherheartbeatingthroughherchest,andwith

everyounceofmybeing,Iknewshemeanteverythingshesaid.InthesamewayIcouldalwaysfeelher
pain,Ifeltherloveformepouringthroughhersoulatthatmoment.

IwantedtoshowherinthewayIknewbest,howmuchIlovedher,too.

CHAPTER33

NINA

Jakekissedawaythelastofmytearsthenlookedupatme.Thehungerinhiseyesfromearlierhad

returned.“Idon’twanttotalkanymore,”hesaid.

Good.NeitherdidI.
Betweenourgettinginterruptedthismorning,tomylongingforhimwhilehevisitedhisex-wife

andthenhisleavingmeinthebathroomtonight…Iwasoverstimulated.

Itdidn’thelpthathelookedbeyondincrediblewithhischinscruffandtousledgrownouthair.I

lookeddownatthecontrastbetweenmywhiteskinandhistannedtattooedarmswrappedaroundmy
waist.Theywerethreeshadesdarkerduetohisworkingoutinthesunlately.

Andthisbeautifulmanbelongedtome.
Heliftedmyhandtohismouthandkissedit.Itwasalwaysbittersweettoseemynameinked

aroundhisfinger,asymbolofanunreturnedcommitmentbornoutofanastyfight.HowcouldIhave
turnedhimdownwhenhehadaskedmetomarryhim?ThelifeIhadbeforehecamealongwasempty,
consumedbyfearofthefutureandpastregrets.Meaningless.BeingwithJakewasalwaysaboutlivingin
thepresent.Ourlivesweren’tperfect,buthewasperfect…forme.

IwasstillstraddlinghimwhenheflippedmeoverontothebedsothatIwaslyingonmyback.He

hoveredovermeandhissmilefadedwhenherealizedIhadtearsinmyeyesagain.

IwascryingbecauseofhowmuchIlovedhim,plainandsimple.Beforehesaidanything,Iranmy

fingersthroughhishairandsaid.“They’rehappytears.”

“Okay.”Hesmiled.“Iwantyoutorelaxnow,baby.Iamgoingtomakeyouforgetallofthepain

ofthepastcoupleofmonths.It’sjustyouandmeandthismoment.Iwantyoutogetlostinme.Canyoudo
that?”

Ibitmybottomlipinanticipation,asheloweredhisheadanddevouredmymouthwithhis.I

teasinglynippedathistonguering,andhegroanedplayfully.

“Dothatagain.Bitemytonguelikethat,butdoitharder,pullonthebarbell.Itfuckingturnsmeon

whenyoubiteme,”hesaid.

Ikeptlockinghistongueinwithmyteeth,andhegrowledeachtimeIdidit.Wecouldn’tget

enoughofeachother,smiling,laughing,teasing.Itwasheaven.

Whenhebegansuckingmynipples,thesensationwasoverwhelming.Wewouldlaugheverytime

milkwouldcomepouringout,andthenhewouldlickitaway.“Mmm…sosweet,justlikeyouare,”he
said.

HekissedhiswaydownmybodyandiftheneedIharboredforhimalldaywaslikeacontrolled

burnbetweenmylegs,thenhishotwetmouthcomingdownonmyclitwasthegasoline.Thecoldmetalof
hisringsentashockwavethroughme.Hecircledhistongueslowlyaroundmyfoldswhilehisfingers
movedinandoutofme.Hemoanedinecstasy,enjoyinggivingmepleasureasmuchasIlovedreceiving
it.Ihadmyhandsonhishead,guidinghismouthoverme.

“Pullmyhairharder,”hesaid,andIcomplied.“Harder,”herepeated.
Hewasdrivingmemad.
Afterafewminutes,hekissedhiswaybackuptomymouthandIpushedhisboxersdown.“I

wantyouinsideofme…now.”

Hecontinuedkissingme,ignoringmypleas,hisslickcockrubbingagainstmystomach.Myneed

forhimwasimmense.Iloweredmyhandandstartedtojerkhimoff,buthetookmyhandaway.“Uh-uh,”
hesaid,smilingovermymouthaswekissed.

Hethenkneeledabovemeandstuckhisfingersbackinsideofme,closinghiseyesandbreathing

outslowly.Hiswethairwasfallingoverhisforeheadashelookeddownatmeandletoutalongbreath
thatIfeltonmystomach.

“Fuck…you’resowet.”Withhiseyesfixedonme,hekeptmovinghisfingersinandoutbefore

withdrawingthemandlickingeachoneandIalmostcamefromwatchinghim.

“Icannevergetenoughofhowyoutaste.”Helickedhislips.“Turnover.”
Irolledoverontomyknees,expectinghimtofinallygivein.Instead,hecontinuedtofingerme.

“Jake…please…Iwantyousobadly.”

“Believeme.You’llgetme.”Hesloweddownthemovementsofhisfingers,andthelevelofneed

wasgettingalmostpainful.

Hetookhisotherhandandmovedmyheadtotheside,pullingmyhairbacktokissme,groaning

intomymouth.

Heremovedhisfingers.Iwasthrobbingasherubbedmyassgentlywithbothhands.“Iusedto

fantasizeaboutthisspectacularass…thethingsIwoulddotoit.Ineverimagineditwouldbelongtome
someday.”Heslappeditonceplayfully,thensqueezedmycheekstogether.“You’readream.Turnback
around.”

“You’rekillingme,”Isaidpullinghimdownontomeandkissinghim.
“Howdoyouwantme,baby?”heasked.
Iknewwhathewanted,andiftherewasanynightIwantedtogiveittohim,itwastonight.“I

wanttorideyou.”

Henodded,outofbreath,andIcouldseefromthelookinhiseyes,thathewaspleasedwithmy

answer.Hemovedontohisbackandheldhiscockinhishand,strokingit.

Iwantedtogivehimsomeofhisownmedicine,soIlightlybrushedmyopeningoverhistip.His

mouthtrembledashewatchedmyeverymoveandwhenIabruptlysatdownonhim,heletoutaloud
gruntthatIwassurewouldwakethebaby.HewasnowdeepinsidemeandIbegantogrindmyhipsover
him.

Hegrabbedmysides.“Shit…you’regonnamakemecome…slowdown.”Oureyeslocked,and

myhairhadfallenovermychest.“Moveyourhairback,Iwantseeyourbeautifultitsmovewhileyou
rideme.”

Afterafewminutes,Ifelthisbodystarttoquake,andIknewhewaslosingcontrol.“Ineedto

come,baby.Comeforme…soIcanletgo,”hesaid.

Helookedintomyeyesthemomentmymusclestightenedaroundhim.Healwaysknewexactly

whenIwascoming.Atthatmoment,hismouthopenedtoasilentcryashepushedmedownharderover
hishotrelease.

Yeah.Hewasdefinitelyworththewait.

CHAPTER34

Thenextmorning,Iwokeuptotwoboyswithmessydarkbedheadlyingnexttome.A.J.wason

hisDaddy’schest,suckingonJake’spinkyfinger.

Jakehandedhimovertome.“Hewashungry,soIgavehimsomeoatmeal.It’snotquitecuttingit,

butIwantedtoletyousleepalittlemore.”

A.Jimmediatelylatchedon.“Ow…easy,buddy.”
Jakelaughed.“Daddywasalittleroughonthoselastnight.”
“Mommylikesitrough.”
Jakeliftedhisbrow.“Doesshe,now?”
Wesmiledateachother,bothstillsleepybutsatedafterlastnight.
Jakekissedmyforehead.“Whatareourplansfortoday?”
“ItoldDariaandTarahI’dmeetupwiththemforcoffeebeforeweheadbacktonight.”
“Okay.Whydon’tyoupumpmeabottleforhim,andI’lltakeA.Jthisafternoon,soyoucanhave

somealonetimewithyourfriends.

“Really?Areyousure?”
“Yeah…butjustacoupleofhours.There’ssomewhereIwanttotakeyoubeforeweleavethe

city.”

***

Aftermyalonetime,Jakeaskedmetomeethimon32

Streetbecauseweplannedtohavedinner

atoneoftheKoreanrestaurantsthere.

Hehadn’tnoticedmeyetasIwasapproachingthem.Helookedsohandsomeleaningagainsta

brickwall,hisdisheveledhairunderaRedSoxcap.HehadA.J.inthecarrieronhischestandmyheart
meltedwhenhekissedoursononthehead,notrealizingIwaswatchingthem.

“Hey,guys.”
A.J.startedflailinghislittlearmsandfeetexcitedlyatthesightofme.
“Hey,Momma.Wemissedyou,”Jakesaidbeforekissingmepassionatelyinthemiddleofthe

busysidewalk.

“Imissedyouguys,too.”
AfterastopinadepartmentstoresothatIcouldnurseA.J.inadressingroom,weenjoyeda

deliciousdinnerofKimchiFriedRiceandNoodleSoup.

Asweexitedtherestaurant,IturnedtoJake.“Wherearewegoingnow?”
“You’llsee.”Heflashedmeadevioussmile,andthewayhesaiditremindedmeofouroldfear

expeditions.

Wekeptwalkinguntilhestopped…rightinfrontoftheEmpireStateBuilding.
“Jake…whatarewedoing?”Iaskednervously.“Idon’twanttogoupthererightnow.”
“Comeon,Nina.Ithoughtyouwereoverthat.”
“IthoughtIwastoo…but…Iamjustnotinthemood.”

“Canyoudothisforme?Iwanttoenjoytheviewofthecitywithmyfamily.It’ssomethingI’ve

alwayswantedtodowithyou.”

Ilookedintohishopefuleyesandjustcouldn’tsayno.
Itookadeepbreathin.“Alright…okay,let’sdoit.”
Hewasbeamingandledthewaythroughthefrontdoors.Wepaidforticketssothatwedidn’t

havetowaitinthelonglines.

Iclosedmyeyestheentireelevatorrideupandbreathedthroughit.EventhoughIwasabletoget

insideonenow,itstillmademeuncomfortable.WitheverythingIhadbeenthroughinthepastyear,my
oldphobiashadprettymuchdissipated,havingtakenabackseattoeverythingelse.Thatdidn’tmeanI
wasevergoingtoloveelevatorsorheightsorplanes.TheimportantthingwasthatIcouldnowfacethose
thingsifIneededto.

Whenwefinallygotontothemainobservationdeck,theviewwasspectacularsinceitwasa

clearday.Ofcourse,beingupsohighstillmademeuneasy,butwhenIlookedatJake’sexpressionashe
staredoutoverthecity,itwasallworthit.

WewereontheeastsidefacingBrooklyn.JakespokesoftlytoA.J.“Seeoverthere…that’swhere

MommyandDaddylivedwhenwemet.IthankGodeverydaythatHebroughthertome.”

Then,ithitme:whyhehadbroughtmeuphere.Hewasgoingtoproposetome.
Thiswasit.
MypulsewasgoingballisticasIlookedoveratJakewhowaslookingstraightaheadtakinginthe

view.Hewouldpointthingsouttome,andIwouldnodalong,wonderingwhenhewasgoingtodoitand
howhewasgoingtotransitionallofthisintoaproposal.Afteraboutfifteenminutes,heputhisarm
aroundmeandsaid,“Youreadytoheadbacktothehotel,babe?It’salmosttimetocheckout.”

Ibitmylipandnoddedsilently,suddenlyfeelingstupidandrealizingthatIshouldhaveknown

better.Itwouldtakealotmorethanonenightofnormalcytogethimtotrustmeenoughtoproposeagain.
Ormaybe,hewouldsticktohiswordandneveraskmeforaslongashelived.

Eitherway,thiswasn’tgoingtochangethesurpriseIhadinstoreforhimtonight.

***

Wehadaboutanhourbeforewehadtocheckoutofthehotel,andthatwouldgivemejustenough

timetofeedthebabyandpackupourstuffbeforewelefttogohome.

JakestillhadA.J.strappedtohischestasheheldthehotelelevatoropenforme.
Iclosedmyeyesandyawnedastheelevatorbeganrising,andthenitcame.
Ajolt.
Igrabbedontohisshirt.“Jake…whatjusthappened?”
Awidesmilespreadacrosshisface,andIsoonrealizedhisfingerwasonthestopbutton.This

wasanapparentreenactmentofour“firsttime.”

“Where’sthechampagne?”Ijoked.
“Nochampagnetoday,baby.”
“Whatareyoudoing,Jake?”
“Rememberthatday?Youknow,Iwasstartingtofallinlovewithyou,eventhen.Thatmellow

songIplayed…Iwastryingtotellyoumyfeelings,eventhoughIthoughtIcouldneverhaveyou.”

“Ilovedthatsong,”Iwhispered,tearsstartingtoforminmyeyes.
“YouandA.J.aremyentireworld.Thepastyearandahalfwithyouhasgivenmebackeverylast

pieceofinnocenceIlostintheyearsbeforeandthensome.Atthispointinmylife,Iwoulddoanything

foryou.Ifyoutoldmetoday,thatyoucouldn’tacceptmycontinuingtobethereforIvy,thenIwouldhave
nochoicebuttoletthatpartofmylifego,nomatterhowguiltyIfelt.Youlovemeenoughtomakesure
thatIdon’teverhavetochoose,thatIdon’teverhavelivewithguiltorregret.Iknowit’snoteasyfor
youwhenIleaveyousittingonthecouchbreastfeedinghimtogoseemyex-wife.I’vealwaysseenthe
sadnessinyoureyes.You’vedealtwithit…forme.ThereisnotonetimeIwalkoutthedooronthose
dayswheremyheartdoesn’tachewithloveforyou.Youarestrongenoughtoknowdeepdownthatmy
lookingoutforherdoesn’tchangehowmuchIloveyou.YouhavegivenmealifethatIcouldhavenever
imagined…adreamIgaveuponyearsago,becauseIneverthoughtitwouldeverbepossibletomeet
someonewholovedmeenoughtoaccepteverythingthatcamealongwithme.Iwouldn’tchangeone
painfulthingaboutmylife,ifitmeantnotendinguprighthereinthisstuckelevatorwithmyfamily.”

Iclosedmyeyesforabriefmoment,overcomewithemotion.WhenIopenedthem,Inoticedthat

Jakehadslippedsomethingintoourson’shand.Itwasapaperbird.Hehadn’tmadeoneofthoseforme
sincebeforeA.J.wasborn.Thisonewasn’tblack…itwaswhite:adove.

“ItoldyouIwasn’tgoingtoproposetoyouagain.Imeantit,”hesaid.
Hemusthavesensedthedisappointedlookonmyface,becauseherubbedmycheekandsmiled.
“ButIdidn’tsayhewouldn’tdoit.”
Myeyeswerewellingup.
OhmyGod.
“Youhavesomethingforme,littleman?”MyheartwaspoundingasItookthedovethatwasnow

crinkled,fromA.J.’stinyfingersandopenedit.

Seethisguy...Jake?
Iwantyoutocuthimabreak.
Notjustcuzhe’smydad…
Butbecausehelovesyoulikemad.
Hesaidhewasdoneaskingyoutobehisbride.
Well,Mommy…helied.
Aftereverythingwe’vebeenthrough…
Hestillreallywantstomarryyou.
Lookathim…he’samess.
Pleasetellhimyou’llsayyes.

Hewasamess,abeautifulone,withtearsinhiseyes,asIpulledhimintome,carefulnottocrush

A.J.

“Yes…yes…amilliontimes…yes,”Isaidthroughmyowntears.
Hepressedhisforeheadtomine.“Iknowyousaidweshouldwait.SeeingSkylarandMitch

yesterdayremindedmethatlifeisshort,andIdon’twanttowaitonesecondlongertomarrytheloveof
mylife.”

Iwipedhiseyes.“Iwouldn’tchangeanythingeither,Jake…thegoodorthebad.Whatwould

momentsasperfectasthismeanwithnothingtocomparethemto?Everybitofpainittooktogetherewas
worthit.”

“Ididn’thavetimetogetaring.Iactuallywentlookingwhileyouwereoutwithyourfriendsbut

couldn’tfindtherightoneintime.I’lltakeyoushoppinginBoston.”

Perfecttiming.
“Noneed,”Isaidunabletocontainmyjoy.
“Whatdoyoumean…noneed?”
Ihadbeenhidingmylefthandinmysleeveforthepastcoupleofhours.Iliftedittoshowhis

nametattooedonmyringfingerinthesamefontastheinkofmynameonhisown.

Hiseyeslitupinpureshock.“Whatthe…whendidyoudothat?”
“Icancelledthecoffeetoday.ThiswassomethingIneededtodo,andyougavemetheperfect

opportunity.”Ismiled.“It’spermanent,youknow.”

“Yeah.”Heliftedmyhandtohismouth.“Soarewe,baby.Soarewe.”
“Iloveyousomuch,”Isaid.
“AndIloveyou.”HekissedmethenturnedtoA.J.whowascooing.“Andyou,mylittle

wingman…Iloveyoutothemoon.”

ALSOBYPENELOPEWARD:

GEMINI(AllisonandCedric’sstory)availablenow!

and

Comingin2014

MYSKYLAR

(MitchandSkylar’sStory)

Skylarwasmybestfriend,butIsecretlypinedforher.
Onethingafteranotherkeptusapart,andI’vespentthelastdecadeinfearoflosingherforever.

First,itwasthecancer.Butshesurvivedonlytofacetheultimatebetrayalatmyhands.

Idon’tdeserveheraftereverythingI’veputherthrough,butIcan’tlivewithoutheranymore.
Thisismylastchancebecauseshe’sabouttomakethebiggestmistakeofherlife.
Shedoesn’tlovehim.Shelovesme.
She’smySkylar.
WhichiswhyIhavetostopher,beforeit’stoolate.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Firstandforemost,thankyoutoallofmyloyalreaderswhosesupportandfeedbackencouraged

metocontinuewritingbeyondmyfirstnovel,Gemini.

Tomyparentsforyourlife-longsupportandforlettingmerambleonaboutmybooksinourdaily

phonecallswhennooneelsecarestolisten.

TomysonanddaughterwhosetimeiscompromisedwhenMommyiswriting.I’llmakeitupto

you.

TomyhusbandwhohashadtoacceptahouseinshamblesasIblissfullyclickawayonmylaptop

lostinafantasyworld.

ToAllison,mysoulsister,whoseencouragementgavemethemotivationtostartonthisjourney.
ToAngela,loyalfriendandellipsisslasher…thankyouforyoureditingskills.(Haha,gotonein.)
ToSonia,bestbudandsmutbooksister(Hi,Paul!),forallthefunwehaveandforbeingthereto

shareintheautismjourneywithme.

ToTarah,loveyou.Thisonewasforyou.
ToKim,foryourcontinuedpromotionalsupportandforleadingthe“Geminidiscussiongroup.”
Lastbutnotleast,anauthorcanspendmonthsoutoftheirliveswritingabook,onlytohaveitlost

incyberspace.Bookbloggersspreadthewordaboutindieauthorssothatreadersactuallyfindoutabout
themandreadtheirbooks.SpecialthankstoallofthebloggerswhotooktimetoreadandreviewGemini:
Maryse’sBookBlog,ScandaliciousBookReviews,BookReaderChronicles,ThreeChicksandTheir
Books,AestasBookBlog,BestSellersandBestStellarsofRomance,Louisa’sReviews,MoonriseBook
Blog,TheBookPimp.AwesomeIndieAuthorsandStickGirlBookReviews.

ThankstoLetitiaatRBADesignsfortransforminganordinarymanintothehot,tattedJake

featuredonmycover.

AndthankstoDebraatBookEnthusiastPromotionsfororganizingtheJakeUndoneblogtourand

totheparticipatingblogs:BooksUnhingedBookBlog,ChapterBreak,BookReaderChronicles,GiveMe
Books,BookFreak,ScandaliciousBookReviews,CrashtheParty,TheRookieRomanceBlog,Keeping
ItRealBookBlog,Mia’sPointofView,Cafebiblioart,TheQuietGirlTalks,2ChicksandaBlog,Read
andShareBookReviews,BestSellersandBestStellarsofRomance,RumbledSheetsBlog,Literary
Nook,MeanGirlsLuvBooks,ThreeGirlsandaBookObsession,Christine’sBlog,Sarah’sBookshelf,
MyDailyRomance,Whirlwindbooks,TheBookBellasandRose&BepsBlog.

Therearecountlessotherblogsthathavementionedmybooksinsalesandreleasenews.Thank

yousomuchfromthebottomofmyheartforallthatyoudofornewauthors!

ABOUTTHEAUTHOR

PenelopeWardgrewupinBostonwithfiveolderbrothers.Shespentmostofhertwentiesasa

televisionnewsanchor,beforeswitchingtoamorefamilyfriendly-career.
Penelopelivesforreadingbooksinthenewadultgenre,coffeeandhangingoutwithherfriends
andfamilyonweekends.
Sheistheproudmotherofabeautiful9-year-oldgirlwithautism(theinspirationforthe
characterCallieinGemini)anda7-year-oldboy,bothofwhomarethelightsofherlife.
Penelope,herhusbandandkidsresideinRhodeIsland.
Sheiscurrentlyworkingonherthirdnovel,MySkylar,dueoutinthesummerof2014.

ContactPenelopeat:

penelopewardauthor@gmail.com

onTwitter@PenelopeAuthororonFacebook

onthePenelopeWardAuthorpage.

Document Outline

PROLOGUE: JAKE
Chapter 1: NINA
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
PART 2: JAKE
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30: NINA
Chapter 31
Chapter 32: JAKE
Chapter 33: NINA
Chapter 34

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