FirstEdition,April2017

Copyright©2017byPenelopeWard

Allrightsreserved.Thisbookoranyportionthereofmaynotbereproducednorusedinanymanner

whatsoeverwithouttheexpresswrittenpermissionofthepublisherexceptforuseofbriefquotationsina

bookreview.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the

author’simaginationorareusedfictitiously.Anyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,events,or

localesisentirelycoincidental.

Editor:ElaineYork,

AllusionGraphics,LLC/Publishing&BookFormatting

CoverPhoto:DepositPhotos

CoverDesign:LetitiaHasser,

RBADesigns

InteriorFormatting:ElaineYork,

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Prologue

ChapterOne

ChapterTwo

ChapterThree

ChapterFour

ChapterFive

ChapterSix

ChapterSeven

ChapterEight

ChapterNine

ChapterTen

ChapterEleven

Epilogue

OtherBooks

AbouttheAuthor

ForMyPeeps

TYLER

Whatthefuckwasthat?

Leaningagainstthebathroomdoor,Iwassweating,tryingtomakesenseofmyreactiontoawoman

I’dnevermetbefore.

Oneminute,Iwasoutbuyingbeertotakebacktomyfamily’sChristmasparty.Thenext,Iwaslosing

mywords,barelyabletospeak.

Idon’treactlikethattowomen.Theyreactlikethattome.Thatwashowitalwaysworked.

Iwasn’texpectingthat—toseeherstandingtherewhenIgotbacktomybrother’splace.

Jade.Mysister-in-law,Chelsea’s,sister.

I’d heard about her, knew she was an actress on Broadway. Always thought that was funny, since I

wasastageactor,too—albeitonasmallerscale.ButIhadnevermetherbefore,sinceshelivedinNew

York.

Butnowshewashere.

Iwasquiteawareofthat.Mymindwasawareofit.Mypulsewasawareofit.Mydickwascertainly

awareofit.Wewereallquiteaware.

I’dmadeanassofmyself,actedlikeablubberingidiot,andfuckifIknewwhy.

Whatwasitaboutherthatmademeforgetmyownname;mademeclumsy?

Shewasgorgeous,yes.Butthereareplentyofgorgeouswomenoutthere.I’dcertainlyneverhadthat

kindofreactiontoanyofthem.

This wouldn’t have been so messed up if Nicole—my girlfriend—hadn’t been standing right there,

witness to it all. It was the epitome of awkward, particularly when I dropped one of the bottles while

puttingthebeeraway.Theglasshadshatteredeverywhere.

Icringed,lettingoutadeepbreathasIleanedintothesink.

Justshakeitoff.

Therewasaknockatthedoorthenmybrother’svoice.

“Dude,whatthehell?Ineedtopiss.Someone’sintheotherbathroom.”

Iopenedandlethimin.Damienimmediatelyproceededtowhiphisdickoutandtakealeakwhilehe

examinedmyface.

“What’sgoingonwithyou?”

“Nothing.”

Afteralongpause,hezippeduphispants.“Bullshit.”

“Holyshit.Howdidyounottellmehersisterwashotasfuck?”

“Is that what you’re doing in here? Jerking off?” He squinted, examining my face. “What’s wrong

withyou?”

“Youdidn’tseewhatjusthappenedoutthere?”

“What?”

“WhenChelseaintroducedmetoJade,Iactedlikeafuckingidiot,becametonguetied.Nicolewas

standingrightthere.Itwasembarrassing.Idon’tknowwhatthefuckiswrongwithmetonight.”

“Sowhat?You’reattractedtoJade.YoumadeafoolofyourselfforsomeGodforsakenreason.That’s

whathappened.Letitgo.”

“She’sbeautiful,yeah.ButIdon’treallygetwhyshehadsuchaneffectonme.Ijustlostitforabit.”

“Yourinnerteenagercameout.Itprobablydoesn’tmeananything.I’mrelievedyou’rewithNicole,to

behonest.”

“Why’sthat?”

“Becauseifyouweresingle,you’dbetryingtogetintoJade’spants.Iknowyou.Ifyoueverfucked

aroundwithmywife’ssisterandendedupbreakingherheart,thatwouldkillChelsea.I’dthereforehave

tokillyou.”Hepaused.“Where’sthisallcomingfrom,anyway?YouseemhappywithNicole.You’ve

beenwithherayear.Youloveher,don’tyou?”

I’vetoldherso,yes.But…Ijustdon’tknowforsure.

“Yeah…Ithinkso…Imean…”

Damienliftedhisbrow.“You’rehesitating.”

“Wetelleachotherweloveeachother,alright?Buthowdoyoureallyknowifyoulovesomeone?Is

thereabarometerforthat?”

“I’mnotsurethisisaconversationweshouldbehavinginthebathroomwithherrightoutside.”

Iinsisted,“Justanswerme.HowdidyouknowyoulovedChelsea?”

Without hesitation, he said, “It was when I realized that I would die for her. When someone else

becomesmoreimportantthanyourownlife,that’showyouknow.Comingtothatrealizationwasaneye

opener.”

“Hmm.”

“WouldyoudieforNicole?”WhenIseemedtotakeforevertoanswer,heshookhisheadandsaid,

“Wow.Youwouldn’t.”

“Howdoyouknowthat?”

“Becauseyoushouldn’tevenhavetothinkaboutit.”

Ponderingthat,Iwasspeechless.Thathadneveroccurredtome,butitmadealotofsense.

Damienopenedthedoor.“Igottagobackout.You’dbetterfollowsoon.”

“Alright.Berightthere.”

BythetimeImademywaybacktothelivingroom,Nicolewassippingeggnogandimmersedina

conversation with my mother. She winked at me, seemingly unaffected by my unusually long absence.

Reliefpouredovermethatshedidn’tseempissedaboutmyweirdbehaviorearlier.

Good.

Thisisgood.

All seemed right in the world again until my eyes wandered to the other corner of the room. The

adrenalinestartedtobuildagainwhenmygazelandedonJade.

Herbig,beautifuleyes.Hercute,littlenose.Herlong,slenderneck.Herlegswentonfordays;she

wasalmostastallasme.Ishunnedawayvisionsofthoselonglegswrappedaroundmywaist.

Stop.

She was so animated—captivating. The light in her eyes was practically blinding. Jade was totally

drivingtheconversationshewashavingwithsomefriendswho’djustarrived.Thisgirllikelyownedany

roomshewaseverin.

At one point, she glanced over and noticed me watching her. My instinct was to look away, but I

didn’t. I brazenly kept my eyes on hers; I selfishly wanted those five seconds. Because I knew it was

basically all we could ever have. It didn’t mean anything. What I was feeling for her was just some

unexplained,instantprimalattraction.

ShelivedinNewYorkanyway.Nottomention,Iwasinacommittedrelationship.Andevenifthose

twothingsdidn’texist,IknewIcouldnevertrustmyselfwithChelsea’ssister.Iwouldinevitablyfuckup.

Shewasfamily.IneededtotreatherlikeIwouldtreatanyfamilymember.Thatmeantnotfuckingwith

them.

Or,well…notfuckingthem.Period.

Imadeitthroughtherestofthateveningwithoutmakinganassofmyself.

Overthenextyear,JadeandIwouldn’tcrosspathsagain—untilonenightwhenasurprisenotification

litupmycomputerscreen.

JADE

Iwasdone.

Completelydonewithhim.

Asifmylifehadn’tbeenstressfulenoughlately,Ifoundoutthatunbeknownsttome,I’dbeendatinga

married man. Not only that, I couldn’t just cut ties with him, because we were costars. I’d have to

continuetofacehimdayinanddayout.

JeremyhadswornthatheandKarenweredivorcing,thathe’dmovedoutoftheirapartment.Itruly

believedhim.Thenagain,he’sanactor,right?So,maybeIshould’veknownbetter.

Well, tonight, Karen decided to show up after our evening performance to surprise him for their

anniversary.Apparently,everyonebutmeknewtheywerereallystilltogether.

Whatadisaster.

Icouldn’tbeartotalktoanyonetonight,notevenChelsea,becausethenIwouldhavehadtotalkabout

it.Drowningitalloutsoundedaheckofalotbetterthanrehashingeverything.

IpouredmyselfarumandCokeandsatonthecouchjuststaringintospaceforawhile.

Afteranhourorso,Ifinallycalmeddownabitandopenedmylaptop.IknewexactlywhereIwas

headedfirst.ItwaslikeacompulsionthathadtobesatisfiedeverytimeIwentonsocialmedia.

StalkingTylerHennessey’sFacebookpagewasmyguiltypleasure.

EversincethatoddexchangebetweenuslastChristmas,Icouldn’tgetmybrother-in-law,Damien’s,

super hot, younger brother out of my mind. I couldn’t even really admit my slight obsession to Chelsea

becausea.)Tylerhadagirlfriend,andb.)Whatwasthepointanyway?Welivedondifferentcoasts,and

honestly it was better off if we didn’t mess with each other, since our siblings were married. Things

wouldbereallyawkwardifitdidn’tworkout.Anditwouldn’tworkout…becausewewerebothactors.

Icouldn’tthinkofaworsecombinationforarelationship:twoactors.Caseinpoint,whatjusthappened

between Jeremy and me. Actors couldn’t be trusted. For the most part, they were egotistical and very

goodmanipulators.

Butknowingallofthatdidn’tstopmefromwantingawindowintoTyler’sworld.Ididn’tunderstand

it, but looking at him made me feel good. Sadly, it was his girlfriend, Nicole, who posted most of the

pictures.Shewouldtaghim,andsincehisprofilewassettopublic,Icouldseeeverything,eventhough

weweren’ttechnically“friends.”

Forsomereason,Tylerintriguedme.Maybeitwashisadventurousspirit.Therewerepicturesofhim

andNicoleziplininginCostaRica.Hewasalsoreallysweetwithournephew.Nicolepostedapictureof

himtheotherdaywherehehadLittleDamienonhisshoulders.ItmademesadbecauseIdidn’tgettosee

mygodsonwheneverIwanted.TylerhadthelibertytojustpopovertoChelseaandDamien’shousein

minutes. I envied that because I missed my family so much. I also particularly liked that photo because

withTyler’shandsoverhishead,youcouldseehisrock-solidabspeekingfromunderhisshirtandthe

very top of his underwear. God, that was hot. With his dark hair, light eyes, and tanned skin, he was a

beautifulman.

I had every photo of Tyler etched into memory, often going back to my absolute favorites and

examiningthedetails.

CanyouseewhyIcouldn’texactlyadmitmyobsessiontoanyone?Itwasmydirtylittlesecret.The

factthatnooneknewalsohelpedconvincemethatitwasharmless.

Tonight, I noticed that he’d posted a status about getting the lead role in a new show at the Bay

Repertory. He added a new photo of himself and the director. His hair was a getting a little longer. I

zoomedinonthephototogetabetterlookathisblueeyesandbeautifuljawline.Tylerhadalsochanged

thebanneratthetopofthepagetoapromographicfortheshow.WhenIwenttoclickonthepictureto

makeitbigger,Iaccidentallyhit“AddFriend.”

Myheartstartedtopound.

No.

No

No!

Ididn’twanttodothat!

BeforeIcouldgobacktoreversetheaction,somethingelsehappened.

He’dacceptedmyrequest.

Shit!

Hemusthavethoughtthatwasreallyrandomofme.Eventhoughoursiblingsweremarried,wehad

barelyeverspoken.Toreceivearandomfriendrequestfrommeayearaftertheonetimewe’dmetmust

haveseemedodd—likeI’dbeenthinkingabouthim.Stalkinghim.

Iknowwhatyou’rethinking.Don’tsayit.

Iwasjustabouttoclosedownmylaptopinshamewhenamessagenotificationchimed.

Tyler:Hey,Jade.

Typesomething.

Type.

Okay…uh…

Soundcasual.

Jade:Hi.

Tyler:Longtimenosee.Howareyou?

Jade:I’mwell.

Well,thatwasalie.

Tyler:Good.

IthinktherumandCokemighthavebeenkickinginwhenItypedthenextline.

Jade:Thatwasalie.

Tyler:What?

Jade:Thingsareactuallyprettysucky.

Tyler:I’msorrytohearthat.Mydaysucked,too.

Jade:IbetIhaveyoubeat.

Tyler:Onlyonewaytofindout.Whathappenedtoyou?

Jade:IfoundoutIwasdatingamarriedman.

Tyler:Yeah.Okay.Youwin.

Jade:LOL.

Tyler:ThatisfarworsethanforgettingtorecordTheWalkingDead.

Jade: You probably think my friend requesting you is really random. It was actually an

accidentsincethebuttonissoclosetothecoverphoto.

Ittookmeaminutetorealizemymistake.Shit!HowcouldithavebeenanaccidentifIwasonhis

pageinthefirstplace?Now,I’dmademyselflooklikeastalker.

(Don’tsayit.)

Tyler: So, you were just on my page lurking, and you accidentally hit the friend request

button?LOL.

Jade:Actually,IwascheckingyourpagetoseeiftherewereanypicturesofLittleDthat

I’dmissed.

Ithoughtthatwasasdecentattemptatasave.

Tyler:Ah.Thanksforexplaining.I’dalmostfuckedupandadmittedthatIsometimescheck

Broadway.comtoseewhatyou’reupto,butthatwouldmakemelooklikeastalkerifitwas

one-sided.

Jade:Youdo?

Tyler:Maybe.

Jade:Seeanythinginteresting?

Tyler:Youwereatsomepartywearingablackdressthatwashelduponthesidesbythese

giant,goldpaperclips.

Jade:LMAO.Itwasvintagecouture.

Tyler:Itwas…something.Yeah.

Jade:Whatelsedidyousee?

Tyler:Youwerestandingnexttosomeolder-lookingdudeinglasses.

Jade:Yes.That’shim.Theasshole,Jeremy.

Tyler:Firstruleofthumbinourbusinessisneverdateacostar.Theydon’tteachyouthaton

theGreatWhiteWay?

Jade:Itshouldbecommonsense.Iguessyou’resmarterthanme,Tyler.

Tyler:Notreally.Ilearnedthehardway.LOL.

Jade:Ah,Isee.

Tyler:Yup.

Jade:Yourgirlfriendnow…she’snotanactress,though,right?Chelseamentionedshedoes

makeup?

Tyler:Yes.She’safreelancemakeupartist.

Jade:Fun.

Tyler:“Fun.”Youreallymeanthat,oryou’rejustsayingit?

Jade:Actually,thatjobsoundsprettyboring.Iwouldn’thavethepatience.

Tyler:That’swhatIthought.Youdon’thavetosugarcoatstuffwithme,Jade.We’refamily,

remember?

Jade: Oh, yeah. Right. So much so, we’ve never even really had a conversation until now.

LOL

Tyler:It’snotmyfaultyou’vebeenstalkingmypagewithoutsomuchasahello.;-)

Jade:Iwasn’t.

Itotallywas.

Tyler:I’mkidding.

Jade:Anyway,I’mprobablytakinguptoomuchofyourtime.

Tyler:Notatall.I’mtheonewhointerruptedyourlurkingwithamessage,remember?

Jade:That’strue,Isuppose.

Tyler:Hey,how’syourmother?

The abrupt change of subject hit me hard. I didn’t even know how to respond. My mother was

diagnosed with stage four cancer six months ago. She’d been undergoing chemo in a feeble attempt to

containthediseasethathadalreadyspread.

LivingfarawayduringthistimehadbeenthemostdifficultthingI’deverhadtodo.ButMominsisted

thatitwouldupsetherifIleftNewYorktocomehometoCalifornia.Shemademepromisenottogiveup

thisrole.Buteachday,notbeingthereforherwaseatingawayatmemore.

Hottearswerestreamingdownmyface.

Jade:She’snotdoingtoowell,actually.

Tyler:God,I’msorry.

HemusthavesensedsomethingwhenIdidn’trespondafterafullminute.

Tyler:Ididn’tmeantoupsetyou.

Jade:It’sokay.Ijustcan’treallytalkaboutit.TheonlywayI’mabletosurvivethisdayto

dayistopretendit’snothappening.

Tyler:Icancompletelyrelatetothat.

Jade:Howso?

Tyler:Thetimeperiodrightaftermyfatherdied.Iwasonlyeleven.Itwaseasiertotryto

takemymindoffthingsthantodealwithit.Damienstarteddoinggraffiti.Thatwashisway

ofhandlingit.ThatwaswhenIfirstgotintoactinginmiddleschool.Ithelped.Thethought

oflosingsomeonewhoyouloveisunbearable,soit’sjusteasiertoblockitout.Igetit.

Jade:SometimesIfeelreallyselfishforbeinghere.Mysistersaretheoneshavingtohelp

takecareofherwhileI’macrossthecountry.

Tyler:Yeah,butlikeyousaid,yourmotherwouldbeupsetifyouleft.You’redoingwhatshe

wants. She probably doesn’t want you seeing her suffer, either. Don’t feel guilty about

anything.She’sproudofyou.Shewantsyoutodoyourthing.Thatmakesherhappy.

Hiswordshaddefinitelygivenmecomfort.

Jade:Thankyou.

Tyler:Noneedtothankme.

Overthenextseveralminutes,Ikepttypingsentencesanderasingthem,unsureofwhattosaynext.I

justknewIhadneverwantedanythingmorethantokeepthischatgoing.I’dbeenmiserableforweeks,

butforsomereason,talkingtoTylerwasmakingitallbetter.

Tyler:Youtypingupadissertationthere?

Jade:Whatdoyoumean?

Tyler:AllIseearethoselittledots.Itseemedlikeyouweretypingalot.

Shit.

Tyler:Somethingyouwanttosay?

Jade: To be honest, I’m not sure what to say next. I just know I’m enjoying chatting with

you.

Tyler: You don’t have to say anything compelling. I’m enjoying just shooting the shit with

you,too.I’vehadthisideaofyouinmyhead,andsofaryou’renothinglikeit.

Jade:Whatideawasthat?

Tyler:JustapreconceivednotionofwhataBroadwayactresswouldbelike.

Jade:YouthoughtIwasfullofmyself?

Tyler:IguessIwasafraidofthat,yeah.You’realittleintimidating.

Jade:That’sfunny,becauseyou’reactuallytheonemakingMEnervousrightnow.

Tyler:Icansensethat.AndIcan’tevenbelieveyoujustsaidthat,bytheway.

Jade:Why?

Tyler:Doyounotrememberthefirsttimewemet?

Jade:Iremember.

God,howcouldIforget?

Tyler:WhenIforgothowtospeak?

Jade:Yes.

Tyler:WhenIfuckingbrokethatbeerbottle?

Jade:Yes.LOL.

Tyler:ItwasbecauseYOUmademenervous.

Jade:Why?

Tyler:Istilldon’tunderstandit.Thathadneverhappenedtome.

Jade:Iguesssomethingsarejustinexplicable.

Tyler.Yeah.Theyare.

Iwasstaringatthescreen,stillunsureofwhattosaybutpositiveofmynotwantingthisconversation

toend.

Tyler:Wannaknowthetruth?

Jade:Yes.

Hisnextmessageflooredme.

Tyler:IthoughtyouwerethemostbeautifulwomanIhadeverseen.

TYLER

Well,thatwasafuckingstupidthingtosay.

Dickhead!

She wasn’t responding. Great. Why the fuck did I just admit that again? Oh, yeah, because I’m a

fuckingidiot.

Totallyinappropriate.

IfistedmyhandandbitonmyknucklesasIwatchedthelittledotsdancingaroundasshetyped.She

waseitherunsureofhowtorespondtomyasinineadmissionorwasabouttotellmetogofuckmyself.

Jade:Well,ifyousawmenow,youwouldn’tthinkso.

Phew.Alright,she’sattemptingtomakelightofit.

Tyler:Why?Whatareyouwearing?

Whatareyouwearing?

Seriously?Fuck.ThereIgoagain.

Quick.Makeajoke.

Tyler:CanIjustask…whateveritis,doesitinvolvegiant,goldpaperclips?

Jade:Theyweresafetypins,notpaperclips!Andno,itdoesn’t.LOL.Actually,it’sapretty

ugly scene here tonight. I’ve got my leopard print Snuggie on because my apartment is

freezing.Iwastootiredtotakemymakeupoff,soIhaveraccooneyes,andIjustspilleda

little rum and Coke on myself. And if I haven’t yet sank to the lowest point in my life, I

mighthavejustlickeditoffthesleeveofmySnuggie.

Somehow,evenwithallofthatsaid,Idoubtedshelookedanythingbutfreakinggorgeous.

Tyler:Okay…Ididn’thearanythingpastSnuggie.Explain.

Jade:OMG…Youdon’tknowwhataSnuggieis?It’sawearableblanket.

Tyler:Oh,IKNOWwhatitis.I’mjustwonderingwhatinGod’snameyou’redoingwearing

one.

Jade:LOL.It’sthebest.Iliveinthisinthewinter.Savessomuchonheatbecauseitkeeps

mereallywarm.

Tyler:You’rebasicallywrappingyourselfuplikeanEskimotosaveonheat?Don’ttheypay

youenough?

Jade:Nottoliveinthiscity,no.

Tyler:Well,ifyou’regonnawearaSnuggie,whynotdrawevenmoreattentiontoyourself

bymakingitleopardprint.;-)

Jade:Mythoughtsexactly.LOL!

I could practically hear her laughter through the computer screen. I knew she needed to laugh. That

mademesmile.

Tyler:Bytheway,Isawournephewtoday.

Jade:Howishe?

Tyler:Hecalledmeadick.

Jade:OMG…Ijustliterallyspitoutmydrink.

Tyler: Careful. You wouldn’t want to have to take that Snuggie to the dry cleaners. That

wouldbeembarrassing.

Jade:LOL.Okay…LittleDisonlyayearold.Thereisnowayhecalledyouadick.

Tyler:IsweartoGod.Itwashisfirstword.Chelseawasthereandconfirmedit.Helooked

straightintomyeyesandsaid,“dick.”

Jade:Whatdidyoudo?

Tyler:Inoddedandsaid,“Touché,littleman.”

Jade:That’stoofunny.

Tyler:Itwas.

Jade:Howismysisterdoing?Imean,Italktoheralmosteveryday,butit’shardtogaugeif

she’sdownplayingthingstomakemefeellessguilty.

Tyler: She seems okay. I don’t get to go over there as often as I’d like, but because I’m

betweenshowsnow,Ihavealittleextratime.

Jade:Congratsonthenewrole,bytheway.

Tyler:Howdidyouknowaboutthat?

Jade:ThegraphicyouaddedasyourFacebookcoverphoto.

Tyler:Oh,that’sright.YouwerelookingforpicturesofLittleD.;-)

Jade:Sigh.

Tyler:LOLThanks,though.It’snobigdeal.It’sasgoodasI’mgonnagetouthere…untilI

reachthebigtime…likeacertainsomeone.

Jade:HaveyouconsideredmovingtoNewYork?Youcanonlygosofarintheaterlivingin

northernCalifornia.

Tyler:Honestly,Ihaveconsideredit,butit’shardtothinkaboutleavingmymother.She’s

had some issues for several years ever since my father passed. Damien has even less time

nowthanheusedto,soI’mnotsureIcouldmovefarawayfromher.Iknowshewouldtell

me to go and do whatever I needed to, but she’s really more dependent on me than she

realizes.

Jade:Well,canItellyousomethinghonestly?

Tyler:I’dpreferyoulietome.

Jade:Areyoualwayssuchawiseass?

Tyler:Prettymuch.Whatwereyougoingtosay?

Jade:NewYorkisnotallit’scrackeduptobe.SomedaysIwishIcouldjustcomehome.

Tyler:Youdon’tmeanthat.Youwouldn’tgiveitup.You’rejustfrustratedbecauseofthat

douche,andhomesickontopofit.

Jade:Youthinkso,huh?

Tyler: Yes. Part of the problem is that you’re so far away from home. I bet if your family

wereinNewYorkorifyouwerecloser,youwouldn’tfeelthatway.

Jade:You’reprobablyright.

Therewasapauseinourinteractionuntilhernextmessage.

Jade:Imissmymom.

Itkilledmetohearhersaythat.Iknewexactlywhatshewasthinking,thatshemightnotgettoseeher

againifsomethinghappened.Icouldsensethatshemusthavebeencrying.

Tyler:It’sokaytocry.

Jade:Howdidyouknow?

Tyler:Intuition,Iguess.

Jade:That’sprettyfreaky.

Tyler:Well,I’mabitofafreak.

Jade:LOL

Tyler:^^^You’relaughingnow.

Jade:TylerHennessey,don’tyouhavesomewheretobetonight,otherthantalkingtome?

TherewereamillionthingsIwassupposedtobedoing.Noneofthemweregoingtogetdoneuntil

sheendedthisconversation.

BecausetherewasnowayIwasgoingtobethefirsttoletgo.

Tyler:Ihaveallnight,Jade.

Jade:Whereisyourgirlfriend?

Oh,that’sright.Youhaveagirlfriend,fuckhead.Don’tforgetthat.Thankyouforthereminder,Jade

Jameson.

Tyler: She’s working right now, actually. She took a bartending job to supplement the

makeupartistgig.Iactuallymanagetherestaurantwheresheworks,butI’mofftonight.

Jade:That’sright.Chelseamentionedthatyou’rearestaurantmanager.

Tyler:Yup.TheBayRepertorystuffdoesn’texactlypaythebills.WhatelsedidChelseatell

youaboutme?

Jade:Nothingbad.SheactuallymentionedhowhelpfulyouweretoherbackwhenDamien

andshewerehavingissuesearlyon.Shethinksyou’reasweetheart.

Tyler:She’sasweetheart,too.Seriously.Thebestthingthat’severhappenedtomyfamily.

Jade:That’sreallyniceofyoutosay.IfeelthesamewayaboutDamien.I’msohappythat

mysisterfinallyfoundtheone.

Tyler:You’llfindtherightone,too,someday.

Jade:IthoughtIdidonce.

Tyler:Whathappened?

Jade:It’stoolongofastorytogetinto.Summedupinfiveseconds?HisnamewasJustin.

Hewasamusician.Ithoughthelovedme.Hebrokemyheart.Butbasically,itwasn’tmeant

tobe.

Tyler:Thenalongcamethemarriedsnake…

Jade: That one was my fault. We had really strong chemistry on stage, and I foolishly

believedthatwouldtranslateintoreallifesomehow.Buthewasmarriedforthemajorityof

thetimeI’dknownhim,soIruleditout.Iwouldneverdreamofbecomingtheotherwoman.

So,recently,whenhetoldmehewasdivorcing,Isomehowfellforit.Andonenightatmy

apartment, one thing led to another. Two weeks later, I find out it was all a lie. He’s been

marriedallalong.I’msostupid.

Ididn’tevenknowhim,butIwantedtokillthisasshole.

Tyler:You’renotstupid.Hefuckingliedtoyou.Hetookadvantageofyourvulnerability.

Jade:Yeah,butIthoughtIhadbetterintuition.

Tyler:Jade,forwhatit’sworth,witheverythinggoingonwithyourmom,youhavealoton

yourmindatthispointinyourlife.You’reprobablynotthinkingstraight.Youshouldn’tbeso

hardonyourself.You’lllearnfromit.It’sokaytohavemomentsofweakness.Peoplemake

mistakes.

I’mprettysureImightbemakingonerightnow.

Overthenextfewweeks,ItriedtoconvincemyselfthatmysecretchatswithJadewerenothingmorethan

friendlybanter.ButIknewbetter.Inreality,Iwaslikelyheadedtohellinahandbasket.

The surge of adrenaline whenever the Messenger notification would pop up was proof that, deep

down,thiswasmuchmoretomethanjustafriendlymessagechain.

Iwasn’texpectingthistohappen.

Ilivedforhermessages—fuckingaddictedtotalkingtoher.

AndIwashidinginordertodoit.TherewasnoplaceIpreferredbeinglatelyotherthanholedupin

myroomorinthebathroomtalkingtoJade.

If there was nothing wrong with it, why would I have to hide it whenever Nicole was home?

Sometimes,I’dpretendtohavetorunanerrandjustsoIcouldmessageJadefrommycarinpeace.

I knew it was wrong, but I’d managed to convince myself that it wasn’t cheating, since there was

nothing sexual involved. Emotional, maybe, but not sexual. Aside from that first night when I stupidly

admittedmyphysicalattractiontoher,we’dkeptthingsprettyplatonic.Ivowedthatwouldn’tchange;I

stillmaintainedthatIdidn’twanttoevergetinvolvedwithChelsea’ssister.ThedistancebetweenJade

andmewastheblessinginallofthis.ShewouldalwaysbeinNewYork,anditwaslookingmoreand

morelikelythatIwasonthewestcoasttostay.

SheandIreallydidjusttalk.We’dtalkaboutourdays,lifegoals,herpastrelationships.Wetalked

abouthermother.Alot.Hersisters.Mybrother.Wetalkedaboutournephew—we’dargueaboutwhether

he looked more like my side or hers. We’d discuss theater stuff, compare how things were managed in

each of our shows. We could have talked shop all day long. We’d occasionally discuss politics, and

sometimesthatwouldresultinlittlearguments,whichIfuckingloved.Ilovedfightingwithher.

Sometimes, we’d talk about serious stuff, and other times, we’d just rehash what we’d eaten on a

particularday.Allofthis,andIhadn’tevenheardhervoice.Itdidn’tmatter.Ilovedcommunicatingwith

herthisway.Whatstartedasonequickmessageasaresultofmycuriosityhadseriouslyturnedintoan

unexpectedfriendship.Jadewasnothinglikeyouwouldassumebasedonherlooksandoccupation.She

wasdown-to-earth,self-deprecating,andfunnyashell.Sofunny.

Foraverylongtime,IreallydidthinkthatIwasmeanttobewithNicole.Now,Iwasconfused.Even

intheearlydaysofmyrelationshipwithher,ourconversationsneverranasdeeplyastheonesI’dhadin

theshorttimeI’dbeenchattingwithJade.Itwashardnottocomparethem.Ireallyneededtofigureout

whatwasgoingtohappenwithmygirlfriend.Itwasgettingtotheshitorgetoffthepotlevel.

Nicole had made it very clear to me that she wanted to get married. She was constantly dropping

hints.SheandIhadinvestedalotoftimeintoourrelationship.Thatalonemademewanttomakeitwork.

Whatwasthepointofthepasttwoyearsifwewerejustgoingtogiveupnow?AndIdidn’twanttohurt

her. It seemed a heck of a lot easier to just continue doing what we were doing. But then Damien’s

question from last Christmas would constantly come back to haunt me. Would I die for Nicole? I still

couldn’tanswerayestothatquestionwithabsolutecertainty.

Addtothat,mycurrentdilemma—thefactthatitwasgettinghardertokeepthoughtsofJadeatbay—

andIwasoneconfusedmotherfucker.EspeciallysinceactingonthingswithJadewouldn’tbeanoption.

So,whywouldIchangeanythingaboutmylifeifIcouldn’treallybewithher?

Onthisparticularnight,ithadactuallybeenacoupleofdayssinceI’dlastheardfromJade.Iguess

weweretakinganunofficialbreakfromcommunicating.Maybethatwasforthebest.

I was grateful that Nicole and I were headed to Damien and Chelsea’s for dinner tonight. It would

help take my mind off things. I just needed a mental break from worrying about my relationship. My

brother,hiswife,LittleD,andthedogswouldbeagreatdistraction.

NicolewalkedintothebathroomasIwassprayingonsomecologne.“Readytogo?”

“Yeah.”Ilookedherupanddown.“Youlooknice.”

“Thanks,babe.”Shesmiled.

Nicolewaswearingacutelittledressandhadherhairdown.Shehadgorgeous,long,darkhair—the

polaroppositeofJade.

WhyamIthinkingaboutJadeagain?

“Arewebringingsomething?”sheasked.

“Yeah.I’llstoponthewayandgetsomebeer.”

Sheleanedagainstthedoorway.“It’llbenicetoseeLittleD.”

“Yeah.He’sgettingbigfast.”

Shecrossedherarms.“Everythingokaywithyou?”

Ilookedatherthroughthemirror.“Yeah.Whydoyouask?”

“You’vejustbeenalittlequietlately.Issomethingup?”

Eventhoughthatshouldhavebeenmycuetostartaconversationaboutthestateofourrelationship,I

chickenedout.

“Everythingisfine,Nic.Everythingisgreat.”

LikeIsaid…hellinahandbasket.

The ride to Damien’s was uneventful. The tension in the air between Nicole and me had lessened. We

stopped for beer and picked up stuff to make frozen margaritas since Chelsea had mentioned we were

havingMexicanfordinnerwhenIcalledtoaskherwhatwecouldbring.

ItwasabreezyeveninginSanFrancisco,andIfeltunusuallyrelaxed.Ishouldhaveknownthatitwas

alltoogoodtobetrue.

Chelseaopenedthedoor,andbeforeIcouldgetthewordsouttogreether,itwaslikethewindgot

knockedoutofme.

Behindhershoulders,Icouldseethebeautiful,statuesqueblondestandinginthecorneroftheroom.It

wasdéjàvualloveragain.Myheartstartedtobeatoutofmychest,notonlybecauseI’dnearlyforgotten

howstunningshewasinperson,butbecausetherewasarandomguyalsostandingnexttoher.

JadeandIhadn’ttoldanyonethatwewereconnectingonline;we’dagreedtothat.So,IknewIwas

goingtohavetoputonmyactinghatrealfast.

Damienmusthavesensedsomethingaboutmyreactionbecausehesmirkedatme.

“Youremembermysister,Jade,”Chelseasaid.

Iapproachedherandheldoutmyhand,soundingunnaturallyformal.“Yes,ofcourse.Howhaveyou

been?”

SheswallowedasIsqueezedherfingers.“Good.”

Icouldn’thelpthebitterundertoneasIlookedtoherleftandasked,“Who’sthis?”

“ThisisCraig.”

Heheldouthishand.“Hey.Nicetomeetyou.”

Iofferedasinglenod.“Hey.”

Nicolewasthefirsttospeaknext.“It’snicetoseeyouagain,Jade.”

Jadelookeduncomfortable.“Samehere.”

“Areyoustayinglong?”Iasked.

“Ourmother’sconditiontookaturnfortheworse.Icouldn’tstayinNewYorkanylonger.Iaskedfor

aleaveofabsence.”

Howcomeshedidn’ttellme?

I wanted to ask her that so badly but couldn’t. Our eyes locked, and I knew she could sense my

question,eventhoughIhadn’tverbalizedit.

“I’msorrytohearthat,”Nicolesaid.

“Ireallywasn’texpectingtocomehomesosoon,butIneededtobewithher.”

Nicoleleanedagainstme.“Itotallyunderstandthat.Youwon’tregretthatdecision.”

Jadelookedlikeshewasabouttotearup,anditwasfuckingbreakingmyheart.IwishIcouldhave

gottenheraloneforjustfiveminutes.Morethanthat,IwishIknewwhothefuckthisginger-hairedguy

was.

Themoodwasverysomberduringdinner.IknewChelseaandJade’smotherwasn’tdoingwell,butI

guessIdidn’trealizejusthowbaditwas.

Jesus Christ, I had no appetite but forced the food down just to distract myself from looking at her.

Hereyeswerefilledwithsadness.Herfloweryscentfromacrossthetablewasdrivingmemad.

MychairskiddedagainstthefloorasIgotuptoheadtothebathroom.Icouldn’thelpmyself.Iopened

upMessengerandtyped.

Tyler:Whydidn’tyoutellmeyouwerecoming?

Iknewshemightnothavebeenabletoanswerme,butthequestionhadbeenkillingme.Therewasso

muchIneededtoknow,namely,whethershewasdatingCraig.IknewIhadnorighttobejealous,but

damnit,Iwas.Andthatwasreallyfuckingeyeopening.

When I returned to the table, she was staring straight into my eyes, and I knew that she’d read the

messagewhenshemouthed,“I’msorry.”

“Don’tbe,”Imouthedback.I’dsincerelymeantthat.Makingherfeelguiltyfornottellingmeshewas

comingwasnotmyintention.Shehadwaymoreimportantthingsgoingonandshouldn’thavehadtofeel

likesheowedmeanexplanation.

Aftershegotuptogotothebathroom,Icouldfeelmyphonevibrate.Iknewshe’dsentmeamessage.

Myheartwasonceagainpalpitating.Beadsofsweatwereformingonmyforeheadbecausebeingunable

toreaditwaskillingme.Thiswasnotanormalreactiontohavetoamessagefromyour“friend.”

Eventhoughmyfeelingshadbeendevelopingoverthepastseveralweeks,itwasonlyatthismoment

that I came to a realization. Emotional cheating felt even more destructive in some ways. The lack of

physicalcontactmeanttherewasnowaytoleteverythingout.Itwasallpent-up.Itwaslikeaconstant,

loomingrainstormthatwouldneverdevelop.Withoutthedownpour,itwasneverabletopass.Itwasjust

alwaysthere,likeanever-presenthintofthunderinthedistance.

AndIwaswaitingforlightningtostrike.

JADE

Ileanedagainstthebathroomsinkandtyped.

Jade:Itwastrulyasporadicdecision.Myfriend,Craig,agreedtoaccompanymesoIdidn’t

have to fly upset and alone. The understudy is gonna take my role indefinitely until I get

back.I’mhereforthelonghaul.

Ididn’tthinkhe’dbeabletorespond,soitshockedmewhenthoselittledotsappearedaboutaminute

later.

Tyler:I’vebeenworriedaboutyou.I’mgladyou’rehome.

Jade:Metoo.Itwastime.

Tyler:Who’sCraig?

Jade: I’ve known him for years. He’s like a brother to me. We’ve been in a few shows

together,butImethimearlyonaftermovingtothecity.He’soriginallyfromSacramento.

He’sheadedtheretomorrowtovisitfamilythenflyingbacktoNewYorkinafewdays.

Tyler:Whereareyoustaying?

Jade:HereatChelsea’s.

Tyler:Okay.

Jade:Whereareyoumessagingmefromrightnow?

Tyler:Thekitchen.

Jade:Youshouldgobacktothetable.

WhenIreturned,Isawhe’ddonejustthat.Nicolewasleaningherheadagainsthisshoulder.Itkilled

me to see him with her, even though I had no right to feel that way. Tyler had no clue how strong my

feelingsforhimhadbecome.Ididn’ttellhimIwascominghomeforthesheerreasonthatIwashoping

not to see him right away. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle that on top of everything else. I guess I

shouldhaveknownbetterthantothinkIcouldhidefromhimwhenwewere—inhiswords—practically

family.

Now,havingtositacrossfromthemwhileshewasleaningintohimwasaharshreminderofwhatI’d

beentryingtoavoid.

ImadesmalltalkwithNicolethroughoutdinner,whichwasextremelyawkwardforme.Thankfully,

Craigsavedthedaywhenhebegantellingstoriesfromtheearlydaysofourtheatercareers.

Tylerhadsnucklooksatmeallnight,andthetensionintheairremainedthick.

BythetimeheandNicolefinallyleft,Iwasemotionallyspent.

MysistersnuckuponmeasIwaspouringthelastofthewineintomyglassintheemptykitchen.

“What’swrong?”sheasked.

“Whatdoyoumean?”Itookasip.

“Icantellsomethingisupwithyou.”

It was truly impossible to lie to Chelsea. She was my one confidante, and I could always tell her

anything. But Tyler and I had promised each other we wouldn’t discuss the fact that we’d been

communicating.Nevertheless,Icouldfeelmyselfbreakingdown.

“WhereisDamien?”Iasked.

“He’stakingaquickshower.”

“IfItellyousomething,youhavetopromisenottotellhim.”

“Why?”

“ItinvolvesTyler.”

Overthenextseveralminutes,IproceededtotellhertheentirestoryofhowTylerandIfirststarted

talkingandhowwe’dgrowncloser,well,ascloseastwopeoplecouldbecomebeingthousandsofmiles

apartfromeachother.

Chelseaseemedupsetwithme.“Ican’tbelieveyou’vebeenhidingthisfromme.”

“I’msorry.It’sjustbetterifnooneknowssotheydon’tmisunderstandwhat’sgoingon.”

“Misunderstand?I’mprettysureIunderstandexactly what’s going on.” She shook her head slowly.

“Holyshit…you’rehavinganaffairwithDamien’sbrother.”

Suddenlyfeelingflush,Ishookmyhead.“It’snotanaffair.It’sdifferent.”

“It’sdifferent,alright.It’scalledanemotionalaffair,excepthaveyoualsoseenthewayhelooksat

you?”

“Hewon’tleaveNicole.Hewon’t.”

“Hetoldyouthat?”

“We’vediscussedthefactthatthetwoofuscouldneveractuallydate.”

“Whyisthat,exactly?”

“Forone,heliveshere.IliveinNewYork.Butmoreimportantly,he’slikefamily,andit’stoorisky

togetinvolvedwithsomeoneyou’llalwayshavetoseeatfamilyfunctionsandsoforth.Butagain…he

hasagirlfriend.”

Sheloweredhervoice.“Well,betweenyouandme,Idon’treallyseehimendingupwithher.”

EventhoughIwasdesperateforit,Iwantedtothesmashthefalsehopethatwasbrewinginsideof

me.“Whydoyousaythat?”

“It’sjustasenseIget.She’salittlesuperficialandfake.Asmuchashelikestoportrayhimselfasthe

flashyactortype,Ithink,deepdown,he’smorelikeDamien.Hewantstosettledown,havethetypeof

connection their mother and father had. Their parents were deeply in love before their dad died, you

know.”

“AreyouforgettingthatI’mnotexactlywifematerial,Chels?”

“Says who? Your job is crazy, maybe, but you’re one of the most loving, non-superficial people I

know. Ironically, you’re the perfect woman because you look like the type of person whom someone

wantstohaveanaffairwith,butyou’remorethemarryingkindatheart.”

“Thanks…Ithink?AreyousayingIlooklikeaslut?”

Chelsea laughed. “No, I’m saying that most men with a pulse can’t resist you. It’s something I’ve

observedmyentirelife.”

“Andthat’sgottenmeintoalotoftroublelately.I’mdonegettinginvolved—evenaccidentally—with

peoplewhoaretaken.AndImostcertainlyamnotgoingtoendupgettinghurtbysomeonewhostillhas

feelingsforanotherperson.Idon’twantanotherJustinandAmeliasituation.Iwon’tbeabletosurviveit.

SheevenlookslikeAmelia.Itdrivesmenuts.”

Damienwalkedintotheroom.“Who’sAmelia?”

We both turned at the same time to find him looking at us suspiciously. His hair was wet from the

shower.

“Noone,”Iquicklysaid.

“Howwasyourshower?”Chelseaasked,tryingtoseemnonchalant.

“Well,IwasniceandrelaxeduntilIoverheardmybrother’sname.”

Shetriedtoplaydumb.“Whatdoyoumean?”

“Areyouforgettingaboutmysupersonichearing?”

Mysistersighed.“Howmuchdidyouhear?”

“EnoughtoknowthatTyler’sabouttogethisassbeat.”

Shit!

“Hedidn’tdoanythingwrong,”Iinsisted.

“Yet,”Damiensaid.

“Thisisexactlywhyweneversaidanythingaboutconnectingonline.Weknewyou’dmisunderstand.”

“Oh,Iunderstandperfectlyclearly.Mybrotherhaswantedtofuckyoufromthemomenthefirstsaw

you.Endofstory.AndasmuchasIbelievethatthetwoofyoumayevenbecompatible,Ijustdon’ttrust

hisintentionsrightnow.”

“Thisisn’thisfault.Iwastheonewhocontactedhim.I…accidentallyfriendedhimonFacebook,and

that’ssortofhowthisallstarted.”

Damienchuckled,“Howdoyouaccidentallyfriendsomeone?”

ChelseaplacedherhandonDamien’sarm.“Okay,Ithinkwe’vedoneenoughproddingforonenight.

JadeandTylerareadults.Ithinkit’sbestifwestayoutofit.”

Hemusthaverealizedhowupsetthisconversationwasmakingme,becausehisexpressionsuddenly

turnedserious.“Ididn’tmeantostressyououtevenmore,Jade.It’shardformetonotslipintothebig

brotherrolewhenitcomestoTy,andnowwhenitcomestoyou.You’rebothveryimportanttome.Inthe

end,it’snoneofmyfuckingbusiness,andaslongashedoesn’thurtyou,he’llkeephisnuts.”

Icouldn’thelpbutcrackasmile.“Thankyou,Damien.”

Latethatnight,asIsatupinbedintheguestroom,myMessengernotificationchimed.

Tyler:Hey…youawake?

Jade:Iam.Hi.

Tyler:Hi.:-)

WhenIdidn’twriteanythingelse,hetypedagain.

Tyler:I’msorryiftonightwasawkward.

Jade:Notatall.

Tyler:…shesayswithsarcasm.

I’dbeenponderingthesituationallnight.Thewordswereinthepitofmystomach.Ineededtolet

themout.

Jade:Ithinkit’sbestifwestoptalkingtoeachother.Itjustreallyhitmetonightthatit’s

wrong to be keeping things from the people we love. You love Nicole. You shouldn’t be

talkingtomeeverydayifshedoesn’tknowaboutit.Ihaven’tbeenthinkingstraightlately

andhavebeenactingagainstmybetterjudgment.So,again,Ithinkit’sbestifwestopour

messaging.

There.

Isaidit.

Tearswerepouringdownmycheeks.

It wasn’t what I really wanted. I didn’t want to stop communicating with him. In fact, I felt like I

neededhimmorethanever.ButIknewthiswastherightthingtodo.TonightwasproofthatIwasgetting

waytooattached,andIneededtojustriptheBand-Aidoff.

Itwastakinghimforevertorespond.

Tyler: I don’t know what to say, except that it’s your decision. Just know that if you ever

needtotalk,I’mhere.

TYLER

TherottweilersjumpedallovermeafterIletmyselfin.Theirbarkingechoedthroughouttheotherwise

quietspace.

“Hey,Dudley.Down,boy.Hey,Drewfus.Okay…okay.Iloveyouguys,too.”

AsChelseaapproachedcarryingmynephew,LittleDpointedhisindexfingeratme.“Dick!”

Irustledhiscurly,blondhair.“That’sright.How’sitgoing,buddy?”

I’d decided to stop by Damien’s place since it was on my way home from rehearsal. I hadn’t been

theresincethenightoftheJadeencounter.

“Where’sDamien?”

ChelseaadjustedhergriponDamienJr.“There’saleakatoneoftheapartments.Hewenttogotakea

lookatit.”

My brother owned the building where he and Chelsea lived. Occasionally, something would go

wrong,andhe’dalwaystryhisbesttofixithimselfbeforehiringoutsidehelp.

“I’mjustgoingtoputhimdownforhisnap,”shesaid.“Berightback.”

As Chelsea walked my nephew to his bedroom, I took the opportunity to scope out the place. The

roomJade would havebeen staying inwas empty. She wasn’thome. My pulseslowed after realizing I

wouldn’tbeseeingher.

Whenmysister-in-lawreturned,Iasked,“Where’sJade?”

“She’sspentthelastcoupleofdayswithmyparentsinSausalito.Momisdoingworse,soit’sbest

thatoneofusisthere.”

“I’msorry,Chels.”

Shenoddedsilentlythenasked,“EverythingokaywithyouandNicole?”

Chelseawasactingstrange,andIwasnowcertainsheknewsomething.

Iliftedmybrowskeptically.“Anyparticularreasonyoujustaskedmethat?”

“No.”

Mysister-in-lawwasahorribleliar.ItwasonethingforJadetokeepthingsfromherwhentheylived

acrossthecountryfromeachother.Buttheywerelivingtogethernow.Iwascertaintheyhadspokenabout

me.

“WhatexactlydidJadetellyou,Chelsea?”

Sheblewoutabreathindefeat.“Everything.”

“Nothinghappened.”

“Really?”sheaskedincredulously.

Afteralongmomentofsilence,Isaid,“Well,there’snothinggoingonanymore.Wehaven’tbeenin

touchinweeks.Thatwaswhatshewanted.Butyouprobablyalreadyknowthat.”

“It’snotreallywhatshewanted,butit’sthewayshefeelsithastobe.”

Thephonerang,interruptingourconversation.IcouldhearthatChelseawastalkingtoJade.

“Jade…speakslower.Ican’tunderstandyou.”Sheblockedherearwithherfingertohearbetter.“I

can’tcomegetyounow.IjustputLittleDdownforhisnap,andDamienisfixingabrokenpipeinthe

building.”

Suddenly,myheartstartedpumping.

Iinterrupted,“Doessheneedaride?”

Chelseacoveredthephonewithherhand.“Yes.She’satmyparents’.She’shavingabitofapanic

attackandwaswonderingifIcouldcomegether.Ithinkbeingtherefortwodaysstraighthasbeenabit

muchforher.Shedoesn’thaveacaryet.Damienhaddroppedheroff.”

“TellherI’monmyway.I’lljustneedyoutotextmewheretogo.”

“Areyousure?”

“Yes.”

Sheresumedtalkingtohersister.“Tylerisgoingtocomegetyou.”ItwasclearthatJadewasn’ttoo

happyaboutthatwhenChelseaagainhadtoinsist,“Jade…I’msendinghimtogetyou.He’shereanyway.

He’sonhisway.”Shepaused.“Okay,I’lltellhim.”

Chelseaendedthecall,“Shesaidtojustbeepthehornwhenyou’reoutfrontandshe’llcomeout.She

doesn’twantmydadtoaskquestions.I’llmessageyoutheaddress.”

“Okay.”

Asstrangeasitwasgoingtobetopickherupunderthesecircumstances,Icouldn’thelpthefeeling

ofexcitementinmystomach.

AsIwalkedtomycar,IrememberedthatIhadsomethinginmytrunkthatI’dboughttoshowJade

monthsback.MyoriginalintentionwastotakeapictureofitandsendittoheronFacebook.Ineverhad

thechancesinceshe’dstoppedcommunicatingwithme.ButsinceI’dbeseeinghertoday,I’dgettouseit.

Iwasn’tsureifanythingcouldcheerherupunderthecircumstances,butIwasdamnwellgoingtotry.

JADE

The door to my mother’s room was closed. She was sleeping more and more lately as result of the

morphinethey’dbeengivinghertodullthepain.

Thepasttwodayshadbeenarealitycheck.IfeltevenmoreguiltyforallofthemonthsI’dbeenaway.

ButIneededabreather.Itwastoomuchtoseehersufferinglikethat.

MyfathercameupfrombehindmeasIstoodwipingmytearsbythewindow.

“I’msorry,honey.Icanonlyimaginehowharditistoseeyourmotherlikethis.She’salwaysbeen

ourrock,hasn’tshe?”

“I’msorryIcan’tbestrongerforyou,Dad.”

“Your leaving New York was a big sacrifice and showed tremendous strength. Just take care of

yourself,pumpkin.That’sallyouneedtoworryabout.Thisisequallyhardonallofus.”

“I’llbebacktomorrow,firstthinginthemorning.”Ifeltthetearsformingagain.NotwantingDadto

seemecry,Isaid,“Afriendispickingmeup.I’mgonnawaitoutsideandgetsomeair,okay?”

“Ofcourse,”hesaidasweembraced.“Iloveyou.”

“Loveyou,too.”

Outside,thesunwasbeginningtoset.IletthetearsrolldownmycheeksasIsatdownonmyparents’

steps. Listening to the sound of my neighbor’s wind chimes, I rested my head on my knees and cried

harderasmytearswetthematerialofmyleggings.

The sound of gravel under the wheels of a car caused me to look up. I quickly wiped my eyes as I

spottedTyler’sblackFordExplorerpullingin.

AsIstoodupandapproachedhim,IhadtosquinttobesureIwasseeingthingsclearly.

OhmyGod.

Whatthe?

Whenhewaved,Icouldn’thelpbutburstintolaughter.Icouldnolongerdistinguishmyhappytears

fromthesadones.

Hecamearoundtoopenthepassengersidedoorforme.Inthatmoment,Ihappenedtolookuptofind

my father staring down at us from the window. I could only imagine what he must have been thinking:

WhatonEarthisDamien’sbrotherdoingpickingupmydaughterdressedinazebra-printSnuggie?

“Whatareyoudoinginthatthing?”

“Ithoughtyoulovedthislook,Jade.”

“Intheprivacyofmyownhome,yes.”

Whenhecamebackaroundtothedriver’sside,heflashedawickedgrin.God,hewashandsome.I

neverrealizedhowhissmileaccentuatedhisdimplesbefore.Itamazedmethathecouldevenlooksexy

inafreakingwearableblanket.

“Well,yousucceededinmakingmelaugh,Tyler.”

“Isthatwhyyourmascara’srunning?”

“IhaveraccooneyesbecauseIwascryingbeforeyougothere.ButnowI’mnot.So,thankyou.”

Heturnedonthecar.“Wherearewegoing?”

Iwipedthecornersofmyeyesagain.“Idon’tknow.”

Hiscarsmelledfaintlylikeamixofcigarandcologne.Ilovedit.

“YouwantmetotakeyoubacktoChelsea’s?”

“Yeah,Iguessso.”

“Youdon’tsoundtooenthusedtogobackthere,”hesaidaswedroveaway.

“IfeellikeIjustdon’tbelonganywhereatthemoment,tobehonest.Myparents’houseisdepressing

andsad,andChelsea’splaceislikeazoo,betweenthedogsandLittleD.Ilovethem,butI’mjustusedto

myprivacy.”

“Youwantprivacy?”

“Idon’tthinkthat’spossibleunlessIcheckintoahotel.”

Hepursedhisgorgeouslipsandseemedtobeponderingsomething.“I’lltakeyousomeplaceyoucan

beatpeaceforawhile.”

“Where?”

“It’salittleplaceIliketocall…you’llfindout.”

Feelingtooweaktofighthim,Isimplyasked,“HowdidyougetaSnuggiesofast,anyway?They’re

notthateasytofindanymore.”

“Youshouldknow,right?”Hesmiled.“Iboughtitawhileago,actually.Iwasgoingtosendapicture

ofmyselfinittoyouasajoke.ButIneverhadthechancebecauseyoustoppedtalkingtome.”

“YouknowwhyIdidit.”

“Ido.Idon’tblameyou,eventhoughImisstalkingtoyou.”Heglancedoveratme.“Butyouwere

justified.Justbecausesomethingmakesusfeelgood,doesn’tmeanit’sright.”

“Sowhatisthis…whatwe’redoingrightnow?”

“Ithinkyouneedafriendrightnow.Rightorwrong…justletmebethatforyoutonight.Wecango

backtonottalkingtomorrow.”

Wekeptdrivingdownthe101untilhepulledoffontooneoftheexits.

“I’mjustgettingsomethingforustodrink,”hesaid.“Youlooklikeyoucanuseone.AmIright?”He

winked.“I’llbeback.”

Iwatchedasheranintotheliquorstore,stillcoveredinthezebrablanket.

Whenhereturned,heshutthedriver-sidedoorandturnedtome,“Canyoubelievesomepeoplewere

staringatmelikeIwascrazy?”hejokedasheplacedthepaperbagofalcoholinthebackseat.

“Well,theyweren’texpectingtoseeazebrawalkin.”

“Andonethat’sdrivingaroundaraccoon,atthat!”hejoked.“Quick!Someonecallanimalcontrol.”

Tyler managed to make me laugh again. I didn’t question where he was taking me or what his

intentionswereaswecontinuedtojustdrive.

BeforeIknewit,wehadpulleduptoagray,stuccohouseinSanJose.

“Wherearewe?”

Tylersmiled.“Thisismymama’shouse.”

“Isn’tshegoingtoquestionwhyI’mhere?”

“Nah.We’renotgoinginsidethemainhouseanyway.”

“Wherearewegoing,then?”

“Mytreehouse.I’mgonnasetyouupinthere.Then,I’llleaveyoualone.”

“Isthistreehousestable?”

Hechuckled.“Whatdoyoumean,stable?”

“Like…structurallysound.”

“Spokenlikeacitygirl.Yes,it’sfine.Thisisatreehouselikenoother.You’llbesafe.”He’dplaced

hishandbrieflyonmythighwhenhesaidit,andthemusclesbetweenmylegsinstinctivelycontracted.I

wassoincrediblyattractedtohim,andperhapshadn’trealizedjusthowmuchuntilthismoment.

Iclearedmythroat.“Ihavealittlefearofheights.That’swhyIasked.”

“You’renotgoingtobeplummetingdown.Don’tworry.”

“Good.Becausethatwouldmakeanalreadyshittydayworse.”

Tyler wasn’t kidding. Once we’d climbed up, it was evident that this was no ordinary treehouse. It

wasstateoftheartwithelectricity,afull-sizedbed,andevenatelevision.Heexplainedthathisdadhad

startedbuildingitbeforehepassedaway.Eventually,DamienandTycompletedit.

Heturnedonthelampandnoticedmeshivering.“Youcold?”

“Alittle.”

Heliftedthelongzebrablanketoverhishead.“Here,getinthis.”

Tylerapproachedandplacedthefleecefabricovermyhead.Theblanketwaswarmfromhisbody

and coated in his intoxicating smell. It was easy to imagine that it was him wrapped around me. My

breastsbegantotingle.

Iwantedhim.

Hishairwastousledfromhavingpulledtheblanketoverit.NowthatIcouldseehisbody,Icouldn’t

help but stare at Tyler’s toned physique. His muscles were busting through his black, fitted shirt. His

beautiful, blue eyes were glistening as he looked at me. They were definitely reflecting a reciprocal

attraction. I could feel it, could practically taste it, and it was as uncomfortable as it was arousing.

Definitelymorearousing.

Yet, despite the sexually-charged energy in the air, there was also a sense of comfort. We already

kneweachotherintimatelyfromthemanyconversationswe’dhad.(Well,asintimatelyasyoucouldknow

someonefromMessenger.)ButthephysicalawarenessofactuallybeingnexttohimwassomethingIwas

certainlynotusedto.

Ifinallyspoke,breakingthetensionintheair.“HowdidyouknowIwasmissingmySnuggie?Ileftit

behindinNewYork.”

“Iknowyouprettywell,Jade.”

“Isthatso?”

“Onlybecauseyouletmeinforawhile.”

Iknow.

Thatwasdangerous.

He blinked, seeming to break his stare. “Anyway, make yourself at home. I’m gonna get you set up

withadrinkandthenI’llgetoutofyourhairifyouwantsomeprivacy.Thereisnomorepeacefulplace

thanuphere,listeningtotherustlingoftheleaves.”

“Whatareyougonnadotonight?”

“Hangoutwithmymother,sleepinmyoldroom.I’lltakeyoubacktoSausalitointhemorning.”

Iaskedthequestionthatwastheelephantintheroom.“DoesNicoleknowwhereyouare?”

He swallowed. “I texted her from the liquor store, told her I was spending the night in San Jose at

Mom’s.”

“Isee,”Isimplysaid.

Tylertookthealcoholhe’dboughtoutofthecrinkledpaperbag.

“Whatareyouservingtonight?”

“Whiskeysours.Iboughtthebestwhiskey,too.”Hewinked.

“Hennessy.Veryfunny.”

Hismouthcurvedintoasmile.“Actually,IpreferthetasteofJameson.”

TYLER

Jade’sfaceturnedredafterI’dsaidthat.Ihadn’tmeantformycommenttosoundsosuggestive.ButGod,

thethoughtsthatmywordstriggered.

I’msurethetasteofJadeJamesonisfarbetterthananywhiskey.

Sheclearedherthroat.“Really…youpreferJamesontoHennessy?”

“Yup.HennessyistechnicallyCognac.Ilikewhiskeybetter.”

Shesmiled.“IrememberthinkingitwassofunnywhenChelseafirsttoldmeDamien’slastname.She

didn’tknowthatHennessyandJamesonwerebrandsofalcohol.”

“Icouldseethattotallygoingoverherhead.ItwasthefirstthingIthoughtof.”

“Me,too.”Shesmiledandseemedtoblush.

She looked uncharacteristically shy in that moment. Wrapped in the zebra blanket, her mascara was

stillsmudged,andherlipstickwasalittlesmeared.Iimaginedwhatitwouldhavebeenliketokissthe

restofitoff.Mydicktwitchedatthethought.

Shewassonaturallybeautifulthatshedidn’tneedanymakeup.Hertinynosewasperfectlypointed.

Shehadthebiggesteyes,andinthismomentthelightthathadbeenmissingfromthemearlierhadseemed

toreturn.ItpleasedmetoknowthatIwasresponsibleforthat.

“I’llberightback,JadeJameson.Ihavetogetyouaglassfromdownstairs.”

“Okay.”Shemadeherselfcomfortableonthebedandasked,“Areyougonnahavesomewithme?”

“Maybejustone.”

JustwhenIwasabouttomakemywaydown,hervoicestoppedme.“Tyler?”

“Yeah?”

“Thankforyouthis…fortonight.”

“Mypleasure.”

OnceinsideMom’s,Itriedtobeasquietaspossible,hopingshewouldn’tnoticemeinthehouse.My

motherwasusuallyinherbedroomthistimeofnightmeditatingorreading.Nosuchlucktonight,though.

Hervoicesnuckuponme.“Tyler…Ididn’texpecttoseeyouheretonight.”

“Mom…”

“Whydoyouseemstartled,son?”

“Ijustthoughtyou’dbeinyourroom.”

“Whatareyouupto?”

“Nothing.”

KnowingIwaslying,shetiltedherhead.“Tyler…”

Aguiltylaughescapedme.“Iwasjustgrabbingacoupleofglassestotakeuptothetreehouse.”

“IsNicoletherewithyou?”

Ipaused.“No.”

“Who’sthesecondglassfor?”

Ihesitatedthenanswered,“Jade.”

Sheraisedherforehead.“Jade…Chelsea’ssister?”

“Yes.”

Aknowinglookflashedacrossherface.“Oh.”

WestaredateachotherforafewsecondsuntilIsaid,“Nothing’sgoingon.Shewasatherparents’

house.Withtheirmomdoingworse,Jadehadlikealittlebreakdown.IhappenedtobeatDamien’swhen

shecalledChelseaforaride.IofferedtopickherupsinceLittleDwassleeping.Jadedidn’twanttogo

backtotheirhouse,soIbroughtherhereinstead.She’sunderalotofstress,andIthoughtthetreehouse

wouldbeanicesanctuary.”

“Youdon’tneedtoexplain.”

“Whyareyoulookingatmelikethat,then?”

She laughed a little. “Tyler, with all due respect, your reaction to that woman last Christmas has

becomelegend.Ifyouexpectmetobelievethatthere’sabsolutelynothingsalaciousaboutyouhidingher

inthetreehouserightnow,you’recrazy.”

“How did you know about what happened last Christmas? You weren’t in the room when it went

down.”

“Yourbrothertoldme.”

“Great.”

Mymothergrabbedherteakettleandstartedtofillitbeforeshesaid,“There’snothingwrongwith

beingsmitten.Wecan’tchoosewhomwe’reattractedto.Butistheresomethingmoregoingon?”

I’dneverhadtheabilitytolietomymother.Overthenextfewminutes,Iexplainedtoherwhathad

beendevelopingbetweenJadeandme.

“Justbecareful,”shesaid.“IlikeNicole.Ido.She’sverysweet.ButIdon’tbelieveshe’stheone.

SomethinghastobemissingforyoutohaveletthingsgosofarwithJade.You’reyoung.Youhavethe

righttochangeyourmind.Butyoudon’thavetherighttostringsomeonealong.Nowomandeservestobe

withamanwhoseheartiswithsomeoneelse.”

Shewasn’ttellingmeanythingIhadn’talreadyknownforalongtime.

“You’reright.ButaslongasI’mwithNicole,nothingwillhappenwithJade.”

“Bythesametoken,don’tbelievethatyoucan’thavesomethingjustbecauseitfeelstoogoodtobe

true.Youdeserveperfection.”

IneededtogetbacktoJade.

“Thanksforthetalk,Ma.”Istartedtowalkawaywhenshestoppedme.

“Oh,Tyler?”

“Yeah?”

“Trynottodroptheglasses.”Shesmirked.

“Wiseass.”

MyheartracedasIclimbedbackuptothetreehousewiththeglassesinhand.

“Thattookawhile,”Jadesaid.She’dbeenlyingonthebedandsatup.

“Mymothercaughtme.”

Aflashofpanicwashedoverherface.“Youdidn’ttellherIwasuphere,didyou?”

“Ikindofhadto.It’sokay.She’scoolwithit.”

“Shethinkswe’rehavinganaffair.”

Inodded.“Prettymuch.”

Jadewasn’tamused.“Idon’twantyourmothertothinkI’mabadperson.”

“Shedoesn’t.Itoldherthetruth.”

ShewasquietasIpreparedherdrinkthenhandedittoher.

“Here.”

Shetookitfrommeandtastedit.“Mmm.That’sgood.Burnsalittlegoingdown.Butit’sjustwhatI

need.”Takinganothersip,sheasked,“Sowhendoesyourshowstartup?”

“Inamonth.Westartedrehearsalsthisweek.Iwascomingfromtherewhenyoucalledforaride.”

“Youshouldprobablybestudyingyourlinestonightinsteadofbabysittingme.”

HercommentremindedmethatI’dforgottenthatIwassupposedtobesomewheretonight.

“Hangon,”IsaidasItypedoutatext.

“Whoareyoutexting?”

“I was supposed to meet my costar, Audrey, to practice this one scene tonight. I never told her I

couldn’tmakeit.”

“I’mgettingyouintrouble.”

Youhavenoidea.

Audreytextedmebackimmediately.“Shejustresponded.Shesaysit’snobigdeal.Herhusbandwill

runlineswithher.”

“Youwanttopracticethescenewithme?I’lldoAudrey’spart.”

Herquestionhadcaughtmeoffguard.

“Areyouserious?”

“Whywouldn’tIbe?”

“Ithoughtyouwantedprivacytonight.Iwasgonnaheaddownstairsandjustletyoube.”

“Ireallydon’twanttobealone.”

Well,thenwe’rebothonthesamepage.

LeavingherwasthelastthingIwanted.

“Okay.I’llgotomycarandgetthescript.”

As I returned to the treehouse with it, a sudden self-conscious feeling came over me. What if she

thoughtmyactingwasshit?Afterall,shewastherealdeal.

“So,youknowthegistofthestory,right?”

“You’vetoldmebitsandpieces.Buttellmeaboutthisscene.”

“My character, Xavier, is a writer who’s trying to pen the next Great American Novel. His wife,

Justine, is basically considering leaving him because she’s feeling neglected. In this scene, she’s

confrontinghimaboutit.”

IwatchedJadeassheintentlyreadoverthescene.

“Okay,I’mready,”shefinallysaid.

Becauseweonlyhadonescript,Isatnexttoheronthebedsowecouldshareit.

Westartedgoingbackandforth,andIwasblownawaybyhownaturallyshefellintotherole.She

wasatrueprofessional,anditshowed.Shereadthelineswithsomuchpassioninhereyes,completely

transforming into the character. It even looked like her eyes were watering. Although I suspected that

mighthavehadsomethingtodowithhercurrentemotionalstate,I’dneverworkedwithanyonewhocould

cryoncue.

Atonepoint,Istoppedmid-scene.“You’reamazing.”

“That’snotinthescript.”

“No,it’snot.”

Alongmomentofsilenceensued.

“Youknow,Idon’tthinkyoucouldeverpullofftheroleofJustine.You’retooperfect-looking.Her

characterissupposedtobethisflawed,uglyduckling.”

Sheponderedmycommentthensaid,“Youknowsomething?I’veheardthatlinemyentirelife—that

I’m too good-looking, too perfect. And, you know what? It’s never worked out for me. Because, in the

end,attheleastasfarasmypastrelationshipshavegone…thequirky,plainJanegetstheman.Oncethe

excitement wears off with someone like me, they want to settle down with someone who’s not so

ambitious.”

“Maybeyoujusthaven’tfoundarealman,onewhocanhandleyou.”

Ifeltupforthatchallenge.

“Thethingis…it’snotthatIdon’twanttobethatgirlfriendwhostayshomewatchingmoviesatnight

insteadofperforming…butIwantitall.Iwantthefamilysomedayandthelimelight.Idon’twanttosettle

foroneortheother.”

HerpassionforlifeandambitionwerepartlywhatIlovedabouther.

“Youdeserveeverythingyouwant.Youshouldn’thavetosettle.Ever.IcanrelateinthatI’msortof

stuckbetweenwhatIwantformyselfandwhatIfeelIneedtodoforothers.IfIwerereallyseriousabout

acting,I’dhavemovedtoL.A.orNewYork.Iwantacomfortablelifenearmyfamilyandfriends,butI

alsocravemore.Muchmore. So, I can relate to that anxious feeling. Like there’s something bigger out

therewaitingtobehadthatI’mmissingouton.”

ShesmiledlikesheunderstoodexactlywhatIwassaying.“Ithinkwe’realotalikethatway.”

“Yeah.”

Oureyeslockedforlongerthannormal.

Jadesuddenlysaid,“It’sgettingreallyhotinhere.IthinkIneedabreakfromthezebraforawhile.”

Jadeliftedtheblanketoverherhead,revealingthethin,whiteshirtshewaswearingunderneath.Her

erectnippleswerepeekingthrough.Icouldn’thelpbutstareforafewseconds.Maybemorethanafew.I

knew she was aware of how attracted to her I was. It was certainly no secret. But she couldn’t have

knownjusthowmuchIwantedherinthatmoment.Mydickstiffened,andIfoughtlikehelltokeepfrom

gettinghard.

Ididn’tknowwhatcameoverme,butIwasburstingwithneed,aneedtotellherwhatIwasthinking.

ThewordsleftmymouthbeforeIcouldthinkthemthrough.

“Iwouldleaveherforyou,Jade.”

JADE

DidhejustsaywhatIthinkhedid?

Tylercontinued,“Idon’tknowhowtosaythis…withoutcomingacrosslikeatotaldick.Despitewhat

ournephewthinks…andevenwhatDamienthinksofmesometimes,I’mreallynotadick.I’mtryingtobe

abetterpersonthanIusedtobe.”

Iappreciatedhishonesty,andeventhoughitfilledmewithexcitement,itmadememorenervousthan

anything.

“Sayingthatyou’llleaveyourgirlfriendformedoesn’texactlygivemethewarmfuzzies.Who’sto

say that this won’t happen again? Someone else will come along better, prettier than me…and history

repeatsitself.”

Tyler momentarily gripped his own hair, looking like he was struggling to explain his feelings. “I

didn’tthinkIwantedanythingelse,Jade.Iwashappy—soIthought.Iwasn’tlookingforyou.Ifyouwant

alogicalexplanationastowhyIfeelthewayIdoaboutyou,Ican’tgiveyouthat.Ican’texplainwhatit

isaboutyouthatcausesmetolosemymind.I’vetriedtounderstandit.IjustknowthatwhenIfirstmet

you,Ithoughtyouwerethemostbeautifulwomanintheworldontheoutside,buteventhatcouldn’tquite

explainmyreaction.NowthatI’vegottentoknowyouovertime,Iamcertainthatit’swhat’sontheinside

that’smostbeautiful.I’mcrazyaboutyou,butIdon’tknowifyoufeelthesameaboutme,becauseyou’ve

nevertoldme.Andit’sareallyshittythingtosaythatIhaven’tleftNicolebecauseIdon’tknowifIcan

everreallyhaveyou,butthat’sthetruth.IfeellikeapieceofshitforfeelingthewayIdo,butIneedtobe

honestwithyou.IwantyoutoknowthatIhaveneverfeltthiswayaboutanyone.”

Hearinghimsaythatwasasterrifyingasitwasamazing.“Youscareme,Tyler.”

“Why?”

“BecausefromthemomentIfirstmetyou,Ifeltlikeyoubelongedtomeinsomeway.Idon’tknow

whetheritwasbecauseyou’reDamien’sbrotherandI’mChelsea’ssister,andsoitwouldmakesensethat

wewouldbematcheduporwhat…butIfeltthisunwarrantedpossessivenessfromthemomentwemet.

Andobviously,that’saproblem…becauseyou’retaken.Ithoughtthefeelingwouldjustgoaway.ButI

couldn’tstopthinkingaboutyouafterthatday.ThatwaswhyIwasonyourFacebookpagethatfirsttime

we connected. But I just don’t know how to do the long-distance thing or even know how to fully trust

you.AllIknowisthatwhenwe’reconnecting,IfeeldifferentlythanIdowhenI’mwithanyoneelse.But

Ihavetoadmit,itscaresme,becauseIdon’tknowifitcouldreallyworkbetweenus.”

Hiseyesdarkened.“Whydoyoudoubtthat?”

“Let’s just assume Nicole wasn’t even in the picture. Let’s just look at you and me. I get almost no

timeoff.Youwouldn’twanttoleaveyourfamilyandmovetoNewYorkwithnojob.Andthenwhatif

yougotthereandweren’thappy?Therearejustalotofunknowns,andhonestly,Tyler,Idon’tknowifI

couldeverstandtoloseyou.Iknowthatsoundsstrange,butinotherwords,Ican’tloseyouifInever

haveyouinthefirstplace.Doesthatmakesense?”

He nodded. “It makes total sense. I don’t want to ever be on bad terms with you, because I know

we’llalwaysbeconnectedbyoursiblings’marriage.Atthesametime,Idon’tknowhowtobearound

youandnotfeelthisway.”

“Whatdowedo?”

“There are only two choices. We do nothing…or we do everything. I don’t feel like there’s an in

betweenwithyou,Jade.IfeellikeIwentfromzerotoahundredfromthemomentIfirstsawyou.”

Hesaidhewouldleaveherforme.Buthedidn’tsaywhatthatmeant.Wouldhemoveforme?Wasit

fairofmetoevenexpectthatheshould,simplybecauseIhadthebiggercareer?Doesheunderstandwhat

the logistics of actually being together would even mean? Would he start to resent me if he decided to

move?Itwastoomuchtofigureouttonight.

Asifhecouldreadmymind,hesaid,“I’msorryforblurtingoutwhatIdid.Iseriouslydon’tknow

howtohidemyfeelingsaroundyou.Youmakemewanttoscreamthingsouttoyou.Iknewyou’dhaveto

comehometoCaliforniaeventuallybutneverexpecteditsofast.Whenyouwerefaraway,itwaseasier.

ButIwouldneverchangehavingyouhere.Ihavealotmoretosay,butthiseveningisaboutyourelaxing.

So,forgetalltheshitinyourhead,okay?Iwantyoutorest,soIcantakeyoubacktoyourmother’shouse

tomorrowwithaclearmind.”

Iwasn’tgoingtoarguewiththat.ItwassaferifheleftbecauseInolongertrustedmyselffullyaround

him.

“Thankyou,Tyler.”

“Justtextmeifyouneedanything.I’llberightdownstairs,okay?”

“Yes.Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,Jade.”

Itwasapeacefulrestofthenightuntilthephonecallthatcameshortlyafter3AM.

TYLER

Mycellphonevibratingagainstthenightstandinmyoldbedroomwokemeup.

ItwasatextfromJade.

Jade:Mymotherdied.

OhmyGod.

MyhandswereshakingasIboltedoutofbedandheadedtowardthetreehouseinthedarknessofthe

night.

Shewassittingonthebed,sobbing,withherheadinherhands.

I’dneverwantedanythingmorethantojusttakeherpainaway.Withoutthinkingitthrough,Irantothe

bedandwrappedmyarmsaroundher.

Myheartwasbeatingsofast.Iknewthatnowordsweregoingtohelp.Shejustneededmethere.

Ifinallywhispered,“AmItakingyouhome?”

“Myfathersaidnottocomeuntilmorning.”

“Okay.”

Shegrippedmyshirt.“Ineedyoutostay.Idon’twanttobealone.”

AsifIcouldleaveher.

“Iwon’tleaveyou.”

Ipositionedmyselfbehindherinthebedassherestedthebackofherheadonmychestandsobbed.

Jadelayawakeinmyarmstheentirenight.Itwasn’thowI’dpicturedholdingherforthefirsttime,

butitwasfarmoreprofound.Iknewnomatterwhathappenedbetweenus,Iwouldneverforgetthisnight

foraslongasIlived.

It had been three days since that night with Jade. She needed to be with her family as they made the

funeralarrangements.

Buttonight,we’dbegoingtohermother’swake,soseeingherwouldbeinevitable.Nicoleinsisted

on coming with me. There was nothing I could have said to stop her, although I wished I could’ve just

gonealone.

I didn’t know what I was expecting to see, but I was unprepared for the firestorm of emotions that

wouldhitmeuponthesightofJadestandingthereinthatblackdress.

Therewasalonglineofpeoplewaitingtogreetthefamily.Thereweresomanypeoplecrowdingthe

room, but my focus was on her and only her. Jade’s eyes were red, and she wasn’t making eye contact

withanyone.Iknewshewasinatremendousamountofpain,perhapsevenmoresothanthelastnightwe

weretogether.Ithadallprobablyreallysunkeninnow.

Damien was by Chelsea’s side. The oldest sister, Claire, had her husband, Micah, to lean on. Jade

wasbyherself,anditwaskillingme.IwantedtobestandingnexttoherandfeltlikeIwouldhavegiven

mylifeinthatmomenttotakeherpainaway.

Therealizationofthatthoughtwasjarring.

MyconversationwithDamienfromlastyearreplayedinmymind,theonewhereIaskedhimhowhe

knewhelovedChelsea.

“ItwaswhenIrealizedthatIwoulddieforher.”

TheothernightwithJadewasagamechanger.NotonlyhadIgottentoholdher,butitwasasifallof

theconversationswe’deverhad,allofthefeelingsI’deverfelthadpummeledmeallatonce,too.Asshe

cried in my arms, I remembered thinking that being with her—whatever it took—was really the only

choice.TonighthadonlysolidifiedwhatIalreadyknew.

Iwasnumbwhenmyturncametogreetherintheline.WithNicolerightbehindme,Icouldn’tsay

whatIneededtosay,couldn’tholdJadethewayIneededto.IofferedherallIcould,abriefembraceand

atightsqueezeofherback.Itwaspainfultolethergo.

Icouldn’tdothisanymore.

Beingherewasareminderofhowshortlifewas.

Assoonasthecoldnightairhitourfacesoutsideofthefuneralparlor,IlookedoveratNicoleand

forcedthewordsout,“Whenwegethome,weneedtotalk.”

ThenextfewdayswerespentgettingmythingsoutoftheapartmentIsharedwithNicoleandmovingthem

intomymother’sinSanJose.Asexpected,Nicolefeltcompletelyblindsidedbymyendingthings.

She had every right to feel that way. I had chosen not to tell her the true reason for the break up

becauseIdidn’tfeelthatwouldhavemadeitanyeasier.IsimplyletherbelievethatIdidn’tseethings

progressingintomarriageforus,andthatIfeltitwasbettertoendthingsnowthantowasteanymoreof

hertime.

She’d called me every name in the book, accused me of ruining her life, and smashed some things

around.ItookitallbecauseapartofmereallyfeltthatIdeservedit.Ifelthorrible,butnotanyworse

thanIhadinkeepingtherelationshipgoingwhileIwaspiningoversomeoneelse.Ithadtobedone.Even

if I never ended up with Jade, the fact that I could fall for her had to have meant that something was

missinginmyrelationshipwithNicole.

Moving back in with Mom was not something I wanted to be doing in my late twenties, but I truly

hopeditwouldbetemporary.

I hadn’t had a chance to tell Jade I’d broken up with Nicole. I wanted to do it in person but didn’t

wanttodisrupthergrievingwithhersistersandfatherinthehoursfollowingthefuneral.

IcheckedinwithheroverMessenger,butthelastcoupleoftimesshehadn’tresponded.Ichalkedit

uptoherneedingtospendtimewithherfamilywithoutinterruption.

Afterfourdays,Icouldn’ttakeitanymore.Ineededtoseeher,neededtotellherthatIwasafreeman

andcouldnowfullybethereforherinanywaysheneededme.IneededtoletoutallofthefeelingsI’d

beenholdingback.

Withadrenalinepumpingthroughmyveins,IknockedonDamien’sdoor.

Mybrotheropened.“Hey.What’sgoingon?”

“IneedtoseeJade.”

“Well,you’retwodayslate.ShewentbacktoNewYork.Ifiguredyouknewthat.”

Thedogswerebarkingsoloudly,anditfeltlikemyheadwasgoingtoexplode.

“No.Sheneversaidanythingtomeatall.”

Chelseawalkedin.“Actually,shedidn’twantyoutoknow.Shejustwantedtoleave.”

Myvoicegrewlouder.“Why?”

“Beingherewastoomuchforher.Mom’spassingreallyhitherhard.Sheneededtoescapebackinto

work.”

“Whydidshenotwantmetoknow?”

Chelsealookedpissedatme.“SeeingyouwithNicoleatthewakewashardforher.Shejustfeltit

best to go back east. I have to say, I agree. The situation with you was unhealthy, especially given the

circumstances.”

Mybloodwaspumping.“Chelsea…”

“What?”

“Shehasitallwrong.Youhaveitallwrong.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”

“I’vespentthepastfewdaysdealingwithbreakingupwithNicoleandmovingmystuffout.It’sover.

IthoughtIwasgivingJadespacetobewiththefamily.IfIthoughtshewouldleavesosoon,Iwould’ve

beenhereinaheartbeat.”

“YoubrokeupwithNicole,andyoucameheretotellher?”

“Yes. I came here to tell her a lot more than just that.” I raked my fingers through my hair. “I can’t

believeshewouldjustleave.”

“Well,youhavetounderstand…shebelievedthesituationwouldgoonthewayitwas.Shecouldn’t

handleitandneededtogetbacktoherjob.”

Istartedtopace.“IneedtogotoNewYork.”

“Youdo?”

Stoppinginmytracks,IlookedChelseadeadintheeye.“Iamsoinlovewithyoursister.”

Damienlookedstunnedtohearthosewordscomeoutofmymouth.“Whoa.”Hismouthcurvedintoa

hugesmile.

Iturnedtohim.“Whydoyoulooksoshocked?”

“Iguessit’sbecause…Itrulybelieveit.Icanseeitinyoureyes.IknowI’vebeenskepticalofyour

intentionswithJadefromthestart,butIhavetosay,I’mproudofthewayyou’vehandledyourself,ending

thingswithNicolefirst.”

“Youweresoright.Youcan’tpossiblylovesomeoneifyou’renotwillingtodieforthem.”

Damien’ssmilegrewbigger.“Wow.It’slikethat,then.”

“Yeah…it’slikethat.”LookingoveratChelsea,Isaid,“Ineedtogetonaplane.”

JADE

Californiawasonebigblur.

AsIsatinmycoldapartmentwrappedinmyleopard-printSnuggie,IfeltemptierhereinNewYork

thanIeverhad.Watchingtheraindropspeltingmywindow,Itookasipofwineandclosedmyeyes.

Imissedhomealready.

ButIhadtoescapethepain;thepainofseeingmydadsosad,thepainoflongingIwasfeelingfor

Tyler.

My director was thrilled that I would be returning to the show. And I needed nothing more than to

throwmyselfintoworkthisweek.

SeeingNicoleattheservicewasareminderofjusthoweasilyIcouldhaveendedupdevastatedby

Tyler.HenevertoldmedefinitivelythathewouldhavebeenwillingtomovetoNewYork.Weneverhad

aseriousconversationaboutwhatbeingtogetherwouldactuallymean.Idoubtedheevenreallythoughtit

through.

Still,Icouldn’tshaketheneedinsideofme.Thememoryofwhatitfeltliketobeinhisarmswasall

too clear. The protective way he held me and assured me that everything would be okay. I could have

reallyusedsomeofthatrightnow.

Ateardropfelldownmycheek.JustasIcaughtitwithmytongue,therewasaloudknockatthedoor.

AfeelingofdreadcameovermebecauseIdidn’twanttohavetoansweritdressedinmySnuggie.

WhenIopenedthedoor,myheartnearlycombustedatthesightofTylerstandingthere.Hisblackhair

was drenched from the rain. Droplets of water covered his black jacket. His chest was heaving—as if

he’dbeenrunning.

Igasped.“Oh,myGod.”

BeforeIcouldsayanythingelse,hishandscuppedmycheeks.Hiswarmlipsenvelopedmineashe

letoutthelongestsighintomymouthasifhe’dbeenracingthousandsofmiles,andIwasthefinishline.I

wrappedmyarmsaroundhisneckandpulledhimintotheapartmentasourlipsremainedlocked.

I’dhadmyselfconvincedthatIwassomehowbetteroffawayfromthisman,butbreathinghiminat

the moment felt necessary for survival. The sound of a suitcase rolling in with him vaguely registered,

althoughIrefusedtobreakfromhisdeliciousmouthlongenoughtolookdown.Hehadn’tsaidaword,

butsomehowIknewmylifewouldneverbethesameagain.

Whenhefinallypulledaway,hewasoutofbreath.“I’vewantedtodothatforsodamnlong.”

Onceagain,he’dturnedmysadtearstojoyousones.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”

Hekissedmefirmlyonemoretimebeforehefinallyspoke,“Rightafteryourmother’swake,Ibroke

up with Nicole—that same night. I couldn’t do it anymore, knowing how I felt about you. It took a few

daystogeteverythingoutoftheapartmentandstuff.Ithoughtyouweregoingtostayintownmuchlonger.

IwentovertoChelsea’sonThursdaynighttotellyoueverything,tobewithyou,andtheytoldmeyou

weregone.”

Igrippedhisjacketandpulledhimincloser.“I’msorry.”

“Don’tbe.I’mnotevengoingtoaskyouwhyyouleftwithouttellingme,becauseIknowyouassumed

that nothing would change. You underestimate my feelings for you, Jade. And honestly, I can’t even

explainitbecauseyouliterallymakemespeechless.It’slikenothingIhaveeverfelt.WhenIwasholding

youtheothernightinthetreehouse,Iwassilentlytellingyoueverything.Youwereinsomuchpain,andit

physicallyhurtme.Ineverrealizedwhatitfeltliketolovesomeonesomuchthatyouwishedyoucould

taketheirpainforthem.ItonlymademerealizeevenclearerhowmuchIloveyou.”

Afreshwaveoftearsformedinmyeyes.“Ihavebeeninlovewithyouforareallylongtime,Tyler.I

justcouldn’tletmyselfbelievethatyouwouldleaveheruntilithappened.”

“Igetit.ButdidyoueverreallythinkIcouldletyougo?”

“I was afraid. Honestly, now that my mother is gone, the only thing I’m afraid of anymore is losing

you.”

TYLER

Itfeltlikeadreamtohearthosewordscomingoutofherbeautifulmouth.Jadewastheembodimentof

perfection,andshewasafraidoflosingme.Asifanyoneelsecouldeversatisfymeagain.

IneededtoshowherjusthowmuchIwashers.Icouldn’twaitanotherminutetotouchher,tasteher,

showherhowmuchIlovedher.

Without seeking permission, I lifted the Snuggie off of her body and nearly went into shock when I

realizedshewasn’twearinganythingunderneathbutherbraandpanties.

My cock was already hard as steel from our kiss, but I could literally feel it moving, desperately

needingtobeinsideofher.

Jadepressedhersmooth,lithebodyagainstmineasshetookofmywetjacket.

“DoyouhaveanyideahowlongI’vedreamtofthis?”Iasked.

“SincetheChristmasbeforelast?”shewhisperedasIbegantodevourherneck.

MybodywasshakingwithneedasIunsnappedherbra.HerbreastswerelargerthanIexpectedfor

herthinframe.Theyweregorgeous,perkywithdeliciouslyerectnipples.Theyweremine.Bendingover

tosuckthem,Icouldfeelmydickthrobbing.

WhileIwantedtotakeitslowintheory,thevisceralneedinsideofmewastoomuchtobear.

Wrappingmyhandaroundthebackofherthong,Ishiftedittotheside.Icouldfeelherwetnessall

overmyfingers.Thefactthatshewaswetmademecrazy.

“Fuck,Jade.Ineedtobeinsideofyou.Tellmeit’sokay.

Shekissedmeandmoanedintomymouth,“Please.Tyler,Iwantyousobadlyrightnow.”

Icouldn’tbelievewhatwasabouttohappen.Iwasabouttohavemydreamgirl.

I was stiff to the point of pain and couldn’t unbuckle my jeans fast enough, letting them fall to my

ankles.Thisfirsttimewithherwashardlygoingtobegraceful.Iguessyoucouldsayitwasalotlikeour

veryfirstmeeting,franticandclumsy…butfuckingamazing.

Astallasshewas,shefeltlightasafeatherasIliftedherupovermycock.

WhenIenteredher,Iclosedmyeyes.Shefeltsotightandwet.Ineededamomenttorelishhowdamn

phenomenalitfeltandalsowhatitreallymeant.IknewwholeheartedlythatIhadjustbecomeonewith

theonlywomanIwouldeverneed.

Jadewassoreadyforme.Sheclosedhereyesinanalmosthypnotictranceasshegyratedherhips

overme.IcouldhaveexplodedinsideofheratanysecondifIletmyself.Ittookincredibleresistancenot

to,becausemovinginandoutofherwasjustaboutthebestdamnthingIhadeverfelt.

Thiswaseverything.

“You’resofuckingbeautiful,Jade,”IsaidasIpumpedharder.

Shesuddenlygasped,bendingherheadbackandIcouldfeelhertightenaroundme.Holyshit…two

minutes into it, and she was coming. The most beautiful sounds of pleasure escaped her as her pussy

clamoreddownoverme.

Myballstightened,andIcamesohardinsideofher,catchingthelastofherorgasmpulsatingaround

mycock.Ikeptfuckingheruntilnothingwasleftinme.

Shefeltlimpagainstme.Hermouthwasburiedinmyneckasshesaid,“I’msorry.”

“Don’t you dare apologize. That was so hot that you lost control,” I said, pulling her over to the

couch.

“Idon’tknowwhatcameoverme.”

“Well,youcameoverme.”

“True.”

Wefellintoadeepkiss,ournakedandsatedbodiesstillgluedtogetherasshestraddledme.

Jadespokeovermylips.“Howlongcanyoustay?”

“I’mnotgoingback.”

Shepulledawaytolookatme.“What?”

“Youheardme.Didyounotseethatmassivesuitcase?”

“Areyouserious?Whatabouttheplay?”

“Myunderstudywasoverthemoonforhisbigbreak—thedirectornotsomuch.Butitdoesn’tmatter.

You’remoreimportantthansomecommunityfuckingtheaterperformance.Wecan’tmakethisworklong

distance.”

“Ican’tbelieveyouwoulddothisforme.Nomanhaseversacrificedanythingforme.”

“Then,theycouldn’thavefeltaboutyouthewayIdo.”

“Whataboutyourmother?”

“She’ll be okay. She was really supportive. She’s a romantic at heart. She’s never gotten over my

father. She didn’t want me to live with the guilt of never having pursued this. Everything about home

changedthemomentyoucameintoitandleft.Nothingwasthesame.Everythingbeforeyouisinthepast.

Itdoesn’texist.Myfutureisherewithyou.”

JADE

Therewasnothinglikegettingwokenupbyasmokinghotmanmovinginandoutofyou.Myeyesmight

havebeenbarelyopen,butIwaswetasallhellandhalfwaytoorgasm.

AfterwebothcameforwhatwasprobablytheseventhtimesinceTylerwalkedthroughmydoorlast

night,welayinablissfulstateofquiet.

Tylergentlyrubbedthesideofmyfaceashespoke,“Something’sonyourmind.”

Leaningmycheekintomypalm,Iasked.“Areyousureyouthoughtthisthrough?”

“Ididn’tneedto.Iwould’vecometothesameconclusionnomatterhowmuchtimeIspentthinkingit

over.Therewasnochoicetomake.”

“I’msupposedtobegoingbacktoworkthisweek.”

“And?”

“AndIwon’tbeabletospendtimewithyou.”

“I’mnotneedy,Jade.Ihavetofindadamnjob.Ihaveplentytodo.Youdon’tneedtofeelguilty.I’ll

morethanmakeupforitwhenyou’rehome.I’llrubyourfeetafteralongday,ormayberubyourclitwith

my tongue, whatever method you prefer to relax. And if I don’t get work right away, this place will be

spotlessandyou’llhaveahotmealandaglassofwinewaitingforyoueverynight.”

“Thatsoundslikeheaven,butseriously,Ifeelguiltythatyougaveupyourcareerforme.”

“Listen…it’syourtimetoshine,okay?You’vealreadyestablishedasuccessfulcareer.Ifit’smeantto

happenforme,itwill.Rightnow,Ijustwanttobewithyou.That’smypriority.”

Itwasmytimetoshine.Seriously?Washeforreal?Ihadneverbeenwithsomeonesoselfless.

“Iwanttotrytohookyouupwithanactinggig,”Iinsisted.

Tylerseemedadamant.“Iwon’ttakeit.Irefusetorideonyourcoattails.That’snotwhatIcamehere

for.I’llgoonauditions,butI’llgetgigsbasedonmerit.”

Iscratchedhisstubble.“Idon’tknowwhattodowithyou,TylerHennessey.”

Hetookmyhandandplaceditonhisrigidcock.“I’llgiveyouplentytodo.”

TWOYEARSLATER

TYLER

Itwasalmostshowtime.IwasbackstagewithJade,relishingmyfinalmomentswithher.

Therewasn’tonedaythatwentbythatIdidn’tthankmyluckystarsthatshehadchosenme.

LifeinNewYorkhadn’tbeeneasy.Mytime,forthemostpartoverthepastcoupleofyears,wasbeen

spentworkingoddjobsandauditioninginbetween.Buttheoneconstantwasgettingtosleepnexttoher

everynight.Andthatmadeitallworthit.

Myfiancéewasanaturalbornstar.So,tonightwasgoingtobeastrangereversal.

“I’m so proud of you, Tyler. When you told me you wanted to start from scratch without my help, I

thoughtyouwerecrazy,butclearly,Ishould’veneverdoubtedyou.Lookatwhereweare.”

Iwasstartingtogetthejitters.“Areyougonnabeokayoutthere?”

“Yes.Imighthavetogetuptogotothebathroomafewtimes,butI’llbefine.I’msoexcitedtosee

theshow.”

“Well,knowingthatmytwogoodluckcharmswillbeoutthereonopeningnightisalltheluckI’ll

need.”

Ikneltdowntokissherswollenbelly.IfIthoughtmywomanwasthemostbeautifulcreatureinthe

worldbefore,shewasevenmorebeautifulpregnant.

Jadehadtostopperformingafewmonthsagowhenshereallystartedtoshow.She’dbetakingayear

offfromBroadwaytostayhomewithourbabyboy.Itwaswhatshewanted.Aroundthesametime,Igot

theleadroleinanewshow,TheVegasProject.Everythingwascomingtogetherlikeithadbeenwritten

inthestars.

My dream to perform alongside her someday had yet to be realized. But I knew one day it would

happen.

Thestagemanagermadeanannouncement,whichmeantIhadtoleaveher.

Ipulledherclose.“Iloveyou,Jade.”

“Iloveyou,too,Tyler.”Shestartedtowalkawaythenblewmeonelastkissandsaid,“It’syourtime

toshine,baby.”

WanttoreadTylerandJade’sfirstChristmasencounterfromadifferentpointofview?Itwasfeaturedas

partofmyfull-lengthSTANDALONEnovel,

NEIGHBORDEAREST

(thelovestoryofChelseaand

Damien).ANewYorkTimesbestseller.

FORMORETITLES:

VISITPENELOPEWARD’S

WEBSITE

MACKDADDY

USATODAYandWallStreetJournalBestseller

ROOMHATE

NewYorkTimes,USATODAYand#1WallStreetJournalBestseller

STEPBROTHERDEAREST(ELEC’SSTORY)

NewYorkTimes,USATodayandWallStreetJournalBestseller

SINSOFSEVIN

USATODAYBestseller

COCKYBASTARD(co-writtenwithViKeeland)

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PLAYBOYPILOT(co-writtenwithViKeeland)

NewYorkTimesandUSATodayBestseller

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JAKEUNDERSTOOD(JAKE#2)

MYSKYLAR

USATODAYBestseller

GEMINI

Penelope Ward is a New York Times, USA Today and #1 Wall Street Journal Bestselling author of

thirteennovels.Sheisafifteen-timeNewYorkTimesBestseller(hittingatthe#2spotonthreeseparate

occasions). Several of her books have been translated into foreign languages and can be found in

bookstoresaroundtheworld.

Penelopespentmostofhertwentiesasatelevisionnewsanchorbeforeswitchingtoamorefamily-

friendlycareer.ShegrewupinBostonwithfiveolderbrothers.Shelivesforreadingbooksinthenew

adultgenre,coffee,messagingwithherbuddyandsometimesco-author,ViKeeland,aswellashanging

outwithherfriendsandfamilyonweekends.

Sheistheproudmotherofabeautiful12-year-oldgirlwithautism(theinspirationforthecharacter

CallieinGemini)anda10-year-oldboy,bothofwhomarethelightsofherlife.

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