MYSKYLAR

PenelopeWard

PROLOGUE

MITCH

SkylarhadnoideathatIwatchedher.Onceaweek,Iwouldsitinmycardiagonally

acrossfromherhouseonthequietsuburbanstreetwhereshelivednow—withhim.Itmade
mewanttovomitjustthinkingaboutherwithanotherman,letalonehavingtowitnessit.

ThisspotwasoneofthreewhereIparkedthatprovidedtheperfectangletoseeinto

herlivingroom.Iwouldswitchpositionseachweektobelessconspicuous,andmycarlights
werealwaysturnedoff.Asmallpairofbinocularscameinhandyandexceptforthelackofa
partnerincrime,itwasmuchlikeastakeoutyou’dseeinthemovies.

Ipackeddinnerinabrownbag;usuallyapeanutbuttersandwichandaproteinshake

andmadeanightofituntilthelightsshutoffdownstairs,signalingthatshehadgoneto
sleep.Then,I’ddrivehometomyemptybedandhopethatI’ddreamabouther.

ThenameofherstreetwasBayberryLane.Itwasthetypeofneighborhoodshe

deserved:safe,alignedwithplushtreesandperfectlymanicuredlawns,abouttwoandahalf
hoursoutsideofNewYorkCityinJersey.Itwasthenexttownoverfromwherewegrewup
andthetypeofplaceI’dalwaysimaginedwewouldenduptogether,happilyeverafter.

Ithadbeenfive,longyearssinceSkylarutteredasinglewordtome.Mostofthattime,

shehadbeenlivingoutofstate.Thewordonthestreetwasthatshelefttoattendinterior
designschool,butthetruthwas,shehadbeenrunningawayfromme.

BecauseIbrokeherheart.
Afewyearsaftersheleft,shemetaguy.Ourmutualfriend,Davey,wouldgiveme

insideinformationonher,andasmuchasIhatedtheideaofSkylarsettlingdownwith
anotherman,ifsheweretrulyhappy,IknewIhadtoacceptit.Itwasawholeloteasierwhen
shewasfaraway.I’dassumedshewouldnevercomebackhere.Thatis,untilonenightwhen
myworldasIknewitturnedupsidedownduringasimpleruntoTargetfortoothpaste.

Ispottedherfirst.Shewaslookingdownatthebacklabelofabottleofmouthwash

whenIenteredtheaisle,andshehadn’tnoticedmestandingafewfeetaway.

Myheartstartedtopoundwhilemychestconstricted.Skylarwasalwaysabeautiful

girl,butnothingcouldhavepreparedmeforthesightofherasafull-grownwoman.Ihad
alwaysimaginedhowitmightbetoseeheragain,buttheintensityofmyphysicaland
emotionalreactioncaughtmeoffguard.

Herlong,auburnhairwasabitdarkernowandtiedintoalowponytailcascadingdown

herback.Shewaswearingasimpleblackandwhiteplaidwoolcoatthathadathickbelt
wrappedaroundhertinywaist.Sheseemedalottaller,butwhenIlookeddown,Irealizedit
wasbecauseshewaswearinghigh-heeledboots.

Shestillhadn’tturnedtonoticeme,andwithmychesttightandmythroatclosed,I

juststaredather,silentlyurgingmyselftosaysomethingbeforeshewalkedaway.Theword
washardlyaudiblewhenitcameout.“Skylar.”

Whenhereyesmetmine,itfeltasthoughmyheartstartedbeatingagainforthefirst

timeinfiveyears.ItmademerealizehowdeadinsideIhadbeen.

Shetookasmallstepback,andherchestroseupanddowninshock.Notonlyhadthis

beenthefirsttimewe’dlaideyesoneachothersincebeforeshelefttown,butIlookedalot
different.

Acoupleofyearsago,attheheightofadepression,Istartedtakingmyfrustrationsout

onmybodyandbeganarigorousworkoutregimenthathadnowbecomeadailyroutine.So,I
wasbiggerandprobablyalittlescarierthanthecollegeboysheleftbehind.

Shedidn’tknowthehalfofhowhardenedIhadbecome,moresoontheinside.She,

ontheotherhand,lookeddelicateandsophisticatedcomparedtomyruggedappearancein
wornjeansandasoiled,beigeconstructionjacket.

Shestoodtherespeechless,lookingdownatthetattooedlettersonmyknuckles.She

neverknewmewithtattoos.

Saysomething,Skylar…anything.
Then,Iheardamalevoiceattheendoftheaisle.“Comeon,Sky.Idon’thaveall

friggin’day.”

Sky.NoonecalledherSky.Shehatedthatnickname.Andhewasbeingshortwithher.

Ididn’tlikehischoiceofwordsorthelookonhisfacethatIspiedbeforeturningmyhead,
pretendingtolookatthetoothpasteselection.

Iwasseething.Him.Ididn’tevenknowhim,andIwantedtodestroyhim.AllIknew

wasthathehadtheonlythingI’deverwanted.

SheturnedaroundtowardthisguywhoIcouldonlyassumewastheboyfriend.“I…I’m

sorry.I’llberightthere.”Shesoundednervous,discombobulated,nothinglikethecool,self-
assuredSkylarIonceknew…andloved.Istilllovedher.Shehadbeenmybestfriend,the
mostimportantpersonintheworldtomeforsomanyyears…beforeIfuckedusup.

MyfacewasstillturnedawaywhenIheardherheelsclickingawayfrommeandmore

thanthat,Ifeltherbodyleavemeasthesuddenabsencetriggeredthereturnofafamiliar
andunbearablelongingthatIhadonlyrecentlylearnedtokeepatbay.

Istayedinthesamespotforanundeterminedamountoftime,staringblanklyatthe

shelvesasalloftheemotionsItriedtoburyforyearsfloodedmefullforceagain.

WhenIfinallymoved,Isawherstandinginlinewaitingtopay.Herboyfriendmust

havebeenwaitinginthecarbecausehewasnowhereinsight.

Lethergo,Mitch.
Ialmostdid…untilIsawit.
Skylarliftedherhandtohereyesandbeganwipingawaytears.Shelookedbehindher

shouldertomakesurenoonewaswatchinganddidn’trealizeIwasjustontheothersideof
herafewregistersdownhidingbehindamagazine.Myheartfeltlikeitwasreadytoexplode.
Shewascrying,andIknewitwasbecauseofme.Itshouldhavehurt,butinstead,it
invigoratedme.

Shestillfeltsomething.
Whetheritwassadnessorhatredorevenafractionoflove,Ididn’tknow.But

anythingwasbetterthancomplacency.IhadconvincedmyselfthatSkylarwasgoneforever,
notonlyawayfromtown,butthatherfeelingsformehadtohavelongdissipated.Ihadnever
beenabletomoveonfromherbutassumedthatbynow,shemighthavemovedpastwhat
happenedbetweenus.

Asshewipedhereyesagain,IknewIhadtoknowmore.Ijustneededtoknow

whethershewashappy.Shesureashelldidn’tlookit,andthatmademeangry.Ihadstayed
awayalltheseyears,neverfoughtforher,becauseIthoughtshewasbetteroff.Evenifshe
couldneverforgiveme,IneededtoknowformyownsanitythatSkylarwasokay.

So,that’showthestalkingcameabout,althoughIlikedtocallitwatching;thatwasa

littlelesscreepy.

***

Itwasfreezing,buttheheatstayedoffbecauseturningthecaronwouldhavedrawn

attentiontomyself.Ishouldn’thavebeenhere,butthetruthwas,beingnearherfeltmore
likehomethananywhere.

Tonight,shewasalone,andtheseweremyfavoritenights.She’dsitonthecouchand

readorwatchtelevision.Sometimes,whenshe’dwatchTV,she’dlaughoutloudtoherself.
Staringatthelingeringsmilethatfollowedwasthebestformofmeditationforme.When
Skylarsmiled,shelituptheroom,andtherewasnothingmorecalmingtolookat.Itwas
importantformetoseehersmile.ItmeantIhadn’twipeditawayaltogether.

Ontheotherhand,sheseemedtensewhenhewasaround.Thosenights,shespent

moretimecleaningorcooking,neverrelaxing.They’darguealotandonetime,itculminated
inhisgrabbingherandkissingherapologetically.AsmuchasIhadtriedtopreparemyself
forwhatImighthavetowitnesswhenIdecidedtodothis,thatreallystunglikehellto
watch.ThankGoditendedthere.Iwouldn’thavestuckaroundforanythingmore.That’sfor
damnsure.Showoveratthatpoint.

Shewasreadingtonight.Withmybinoculars,Istudiedherpensiveexpressionasshe

concentratedonherbookwithherlegswrappedinaknitblanket.Shehadlitacoupleofjar
candlesonthecoffeetable,andtherewasonelampon.Shewassofriggin’cuteinherred-
framedreadingglasses.Iwonderedwhenshestartedneedingglassesandthenstoppedthat
thoughtprocessbecauseitledmetowonderaboutalltheotherthingsIhadmissed.

Iwouldhavegivenanythingtoholdherwhileshereadandtofallasleepwithmynose

inthecrookofherneck.JustthethoughtofthatwarmedmeinsideasIsatinmydark,cold
car.Icouldn’tfigureoutwhysomenightshenevercamehome.Iwouldsureashellbehome
everynightifSkylarweremine.

AhowlingwindshookmycarasIcontinuedtogazeatherthroughthewindow.Her

eyelidsbecameheavy,andIwatchedintentlyastheyslowlyclosedtight.Shehadfallen
asleeponthecouch.

IcouldseemybreathasIsighedandleanedmyheadbackagainsttheseat,conceding

thatitwastimetocallitquitsforthenight.MyhearthurteverytimeIhadtoleaveher.ButI
wouldkeepcominguntilIhadwhatIneeded:assurancethatshewashappyandsafe.

Untilnextweek,mySkylar.
Iputthekeyintheignitionandturnedittostartthecarwhentheenginehesitated.

Thinkingnothingofit,Iimmediatelyturneditasecondtimewhenthesamethinghappened.

Please!Nothereofallplaces.
That’swhatIgotforbringingtheshitcar.Iownedareallynicetruck,butitwas

massiveandwouldhaveattractedtoomuchattentiononthequietstreet.Thiscarwasan
olderCorvetteIpurchasedforfun,workingonitoccasionally,butitmainlystayedinmy
mother’sgarage.

Afterathirdattempttostartthecar,Igotaflashlightandkitoutofmytrunkand

openedthehood.Thebatterywasn’tdead,soItinkeredwithsomewiringinthehopesthatI
couldgetittostart.WhenIcrankeditagain,itstillwouldn’tbudge.Irepeatedlyturnedthe
ignition,pumpingmyfootonthegas,prayingthatIcouldgetoutofherebeforeSkylarwoke
upandnoticedme.

Itookabreak,slammingmyheadagainstthesteeringwheelinfrustration.After

aboutfiveminutes,IdecidedtotryitonelasttimebeforeIwouldabandonmycarandwalk
theseveralmileshomeinthefreezingcold.

Thistime,IpumpedharderonthegasasIturnedtheignition,andtomyabsolute

horror,thecarbackfiredinaloudbang.

Fuck!
Ineededtograbmyshitandjustgo.Now.Go!
Iexitedthecar,andasIturnedtolockit,therewasthesoundofadoorburstingopen

andfootstepsscrapingthepavementbehindme.

“Iseverythingokayouthere?”
Mybodyfroze.Mybackwastowardher.Ihadahoodon,soshecouldn’tseemyface

toidentifyme.Iwasalmostmadatherforcomingoutbecauseforallsheknew,Icouldhave
beenaserialkiller.ButSkylaralwayshadballstoobigforherowngood.

Ihadtwooptions:runwithmyheaddownorturnaroundandfaceher.Buthowwould

Iexplainthis?

ItfeltlikemyheartwasinmymouthwhenIturnedaroundandremovedmyhood.

“Skylar…it’sme.”

FIFTEENYEARSEARLIER

CHAPTER1

MITCH

Ireallyhadn’twantedtogototheplaygroundthatday.Gramthoughtitwouldbea

goodideaformetogetoutofthehousebecauseIhaddonenothingbutplayvideogames
sinceIarrivedyesterday.

Iwasstayingwithmygrandmotherforthesummerbecausemyparentswerefighting

allofthetime,andmymotherdidn’twantmearoundtowitnessitanymore.Theexcuseshe
gavemewasthatmygrandmotherhadbeenlonelyandaskedformetolivewithher,butI
knewbetter.

Thingsbackhomewerereallybad.Somenights,Daddidn’tcomehome,andIwas

scaredthattherewouldbenothinglefttogobackto.

“Comeon,Mitch.Maybemeetingsomenewkidswillbrightenyourmood.”
Ibegrudginglyslidintothebackseatofmygrandmother’solder,beigeCamry.“Gram,I

loveyou.ButIjustdon’twanttobehereallsummer.Iwanttogohomeinacoupleof
weeks.”

“Sweetheart,Iknow.Butyourfolks…theyhavesomethingstosortout.Besides,Ihave

beenwaitingallyeartospendqualitytimewithmymosthandsomegrandson.”Shesmiledat
methroughtherearviewmirror.

“I’myouronlygrandson.”Iofferedherahalfsmilebeforestaringoutthewindowfor

therestoftheride.

Grampulledintotheplaygroundparkinglot.“Yougoonandplay.I’llbesittingright

hereinthecarknittingifyouneedme.”

IhadalreadymadeupmymindthatIwasgoingtoremainmiserable.So,whilethe

otherkidschasedeachotheraround,playedballorclimbedtherockwall,Iwalkedacrossthe
parkandplantedmyselfonthebenchfarthestawayfromtheaction.Ihadsnuckmyportable
videogameplayerintomyshirtbeforeweleftthehouse,soItookitout,tryingtodrownout
thescreamsandwhistlesoftheotherkids.

Ifeltawhackonmyarm.“Tag!You’reit!”
Myheadroseslowlyinannoyance.Ascrawnygirlwithtwolongbraidswasrunning

awayfromme,eggingmeontochaseher.Shelookedbackwithasillysmilethatsoonfaded
whensherealizedIstillhadn’tmovedfrommyspottoplayalong.

ShewalkedbacktowhereIcontinuedplayingthevideogame.“Isaidyou’reit.You’re

supposedtochaseme.”

Istaredatherforafewseconds.“I’mreallynotinthemoodforthistoday.”
Shelookeddownthensatnexttomeandwhispered,“Then,nowwouldnotbeagood

timetotellyouthatyouhavedookeyonyourshoe.”Sheflashedashit-eatinggrinand
coveredhermouthinlaughter.

Iliftedmyfoot.“Shit.”
“Youshouldn’tusethatlanguage.”
“Excuseme:crap,”IshoutedsarcasticallyasIrubbedmyfootonthegrasstoremove

thedogpoop.

Shetiltedherhead.“Whyareyousuchanassholeanyway?”
“Oh,youcansay‘asshole,’butIcan’tsay‘shit?’”
Sheignoredmyquestion.“Youshouldgooverthere.There’sasprinkleryoucanturn

ontocleanyourshoe.”

Igroanedinfrustration,walkedovertothesprinklerandranthebottomofmyshoe

underwater,carefulnottogettherestofmewet.WhenIturnedaroundandwalkedback,
thegirlhaddisappeared.Sohadmyvideogamedevice.

“Shit!”Imean…Crap!Wherewasshe?
“Lookingforthis?”
Iturnedaroundtoseethegirlwavingitinfrontofmewithateasingexpression.
“Givethatbacktome!”
“Seeifyoucangetitfromme.”
Ilungedforwardtograbit,andshestartedrunningaway…fast.
Shewasgiggling.“A-ha!Youwanttoplaytagallofasudden,huh?”
Ichasedafterherandyelled,“Giveittomenow!”
Shetauntedmeinasing-songyvoice.“Betyoucan’tcatchme!”
Weranincirclesaroundtheparkforminutesonend.Herbraidswereflailinginthe

air.Shewastoofastforme,andIcouldn’tcatchuptoher.Atonepoint,Isprinted,tackling
hertotheground.“Oof!”

SheheldthedeviceinadeathgripasItuggedatit.“Comeon.Giveitup!”
Shejustcontinuedtolaugh,enjoyingthisalittletoomuch.Ihadtothinkof

something,soIstartedtotickleher.Shebecamehystericalandbeggedmetostop.
Eventually,Istartedtolaugh,too.Beforenow,Icouldn’tevenrememberthelasttime
somethinghadtrulymademelaugh.

Aftershecouldn’ttakeanymore,shehandedmethedeviceoutofexasperation.“You

win.Youwin.”

Webothlayontheground,huffingandpuffing.“Thatwasfun,”shesaid.Hersmilelit

upherwholeface,anditwascontagious.

“Yeah…actually,itwas.”
Shesmelledlikecandy,andhertonguewasred,probablyfromalollipop.“I’mSkylar.”
“I’mMitch.”
Then,Iheardawoman’svoice.“Skylar!Comeon,honey.Wehavetogethome.Ihave

soupsimmeringonthestove.”

Shehoppedupfromtheground.“Well…bye,Mitch.”
“Hey—”Istartedtosaysomething,butsheranoffbeforeIcould.Iwatchedheruntil

shewasoutofsight.

Skylar.Huh.
Shehadmademeforgetaboutmyworries,mademefeelaliveforjustafewmoments,

andthenshewasgone.Ifeltastrangesenseofloss.WouldIeverseeheragain?Whydidit
mattersomuch?

WhywasIstillsmiling?
Istayedonthegroundforawhilethennoticedthatthesunwasstartingtoset.I

walkedbackovertoGram’scarwhereshewaslookingdownatthesweatershewasknitting.

“Hey,Gram.”
“Didyouhavefun,honey?”
Ithoughtaboutitbeforeanswering.“Yeah.”
“Good.IsawyoumetSkylarSeymour.”
“Huh?Yeah…what…you…youknowher?”
“Ofcourse.Shelivesrightacrossthestreetfromme.”
Jackpot.

CHAPTER2

SKYLAR

WhatIlovedaboutMitchNichols:HehadpointyearslikeDr.SpockfromDad’s

favoriteshow,StarTrek.Helikedtosuckonketchuppacketsasasnack.Andhecalledme
Skylar,notSky.

WhatIhatedaboutMitchNichols:AttheendofAugust,hewouldbegone.
Thatsummer,intwoshortmonths,hebecamethebestfriendIeverhad.
Thedayafterourplaygroundchase,Ifoundapieceofpaperthathadbeenslipped

underthefrontdoor.Youcanrun,butlet’sseehowyoushoothoops.Meetmeoutfrontat
three.

Hisgrandmother,Mrs.Mazza,hadabasketballhoopinherdrivewaythatusedto

belongtohersonwhenhewasyoung.At2:45,IsatbythewindowwaitingforMitchtowalk
outside.

Heemergedrightontime,bouncingtheballonthepavement,andIranacrossthe

street.

Mitchdidn’tsayanything,justkeptdribblingtheballwithasmirkonhisfaceasIran

aroundhim.Theballnearlyknockedmedownashesuddenlypassedittome.Ishot,andit
missed,muchtohisamusement.Hetooktheball,bounceditallthewaytothefarthestend
ofthedrivewaythenturnedandshotitintothebasket.

“Impressive,”Isaid.
“Thankyou.”
AfterabouttwentyminutesofMitchbouncingtheballwhileIranaroundhim,I

decidedtoshakethingsupalittle.“Let’splayagame.”

Heapproachedmewiththeballtuckedunderhisarm.Hisshaggybrownhairblewin

thewind.“Ithoughtthat’swhatweweredoing.”

“No.Thisisyoushowingoff.Igetit.Youcanplaybasketballbetterthanme.Big

whoop.”

Hechuckled.“Okay.Whatdoyouwanttodo,then?”
Ithoughtaboutitforseveralsecondsandcameupwiththeperfectwaytofindout

moreabouthim,specificallywhatwaseatinghimyesterday.Iwaswillingtobetithad
somethingtodowithwhyhewashereforthesummer.Therewasdefinitelyastorythere.
Manysummershadpassedwithoutsomuchasavisittohisgrandmother.Iwouldhave
noticedhim.

“We’llstarthereclosetothehoopandeachtaketurnsshooting.IfImiss,youcanask

meanythingyouwant,andIhavetoanswertruthfully.Ifyoumiss,Igettodothesame.
Thenwe’llstepbackfurthereachtimetomakeitharder.”

“ButI’mgonnagetitineverytime,”hesaid.
“Well,thenyoushouldhavenoproblemwiththisgame,cocky.”
Iwasbankingonhimmissingtheshotatleastonce.Ihadnothingtohide,anditwasa

win-winsituationforme,solongasheflubbedupasingletimesothatIcouldaskthatone
question.

Heshruggedhisshoulders.“Alright.”
Ishotfirst,andtheballwentrightintothehoop.

Mitchfollowedsuit.
Wekepttakingturns,successfullyhittingthebasketsuntilIbecamethefirstoneto

miss.

“Aha!”Mitchlaughed.“Let’ssee…whatdoIwanttoknow?”Hescratchedhischinand

scrunchedhislips.“Oh!Yesterdayatthepark…didyouknowwhoIwas?”

Inodded.“IknewyouwereMrs.Mazza’sgrandsonfromthepictureshanginginher

house.That’swhyIleftlikethat.IknewIwouldseeyouagainanyway.”

Henoddedinunderstanding.“Cool.”
Ipassedtheballtohimandbackedupastepfurtherawayfromthehoop,gesturingfor

himtodothesame.“Go.”

Ofcourse,hemadeitandpassedtheballtome.
Imissedagain.
“Alright,Skylar…hmm.Whatwasyourmostembarrassingmoment?”
Ilookedupatthecloudless,bluesky.“IoncestartedlaughingatmyfriendAngiein

classandaccidentallypassedgasoutloudinfrontofeveryone.”

Mitch’smouthdropped.“Ican’tbelieveyoujustadmittedthat!”
“Wetoldeachotherwe’dbehonest!Thatwashonestlythemostembarrassing

momentofmylife.”

“That’sprettybad.”
“No.What’sbadisthateveryonethoughtitwasAngie,andIletthembelieveit.”
WelaughedatmyadmissionuntilIpassedtheballtoMitchwhoproceededtoshoot…

andmiss.

Igiddilyjumpedupanddown.“Yes!”
“Thatfartstorythrewmeofftrack!”Mitchlickedhislipsandlookeddownatthe

groundshakinghisheadindefeat.“Okay,giveittome.”

Ilookedintohisbig,blueeyesandasked,“Whyareyoureallyherethissummer,and

whywereyousoangryyesterday?”

“That’stwoquestions.”
“Buttheansweristhesame?”
Mitchdidn’tsayanythingrightaway,justlookedatme.
“Thingsaren’tgoingwellbackhomerightnow.I’mprettysuremyparentsaregetting

adivorce.Theydidn’twantmearoundanymoretowitnessallthefighting.So…yeah.”

“Myparentsaredivorced,too.”
Hiseyeswidened.“Really?”
“Yeah.Fortwoyearsnow.”
Mitchseemedtobethinkinghardaboutsomething.Then,heturnedtome.“Didyou

everfeel…”Hehesitated.“Nevermind.”

“What?DidIfeelwhat?”
“Whenyoufoundoutaboutyourparents,didyoufeellikeyourworldwasending…like

youcouldn’tpicturethefutureanymore?”

ItseemedMitchandIhadalotmoreincommonthanIoriginallythought.“Yeah.Idid

feellikethatsometimes.Itwashard.I’manonlychild,andmyparentsaremyonlyfamily,
youknow?”

“I’manonlychild,too.Iguessthat’swhyIfeellikeit’smyresponsibilitytokeepthem

together.Orworse,IthinksometimesmaybeifIdidn’texist,theywouldn’tbehavingthese
problems.”

Thegamewehadbeenplayingwasnolongersignificant.Now,wewerejusttalkingas

wemadeourwaytoMitch’sfrontsteps.Thebasketballrolledawayontothegrass.

“Youdidn’tasktobeborn,Mitch.Youknowthisisn’tyourfault,right?Iusedtothink

likeyouinthebeginningwithmyparents.Butafterawhile,Ifiguredoutthatitreallyhad
nothingtodowithme.Andhonestly,theybothseemhappiernow.”

“Whydidtheygetdivorced?”
Ichuckled.“Well,IoverheardmyMomtellingmyAuntDianethatmydadcouldn’t

keepitinhispants.ButIstillhaven’tfiguredoutwhat‘it’is.Doyouknow,Mitch?”

Hisfaceturnedred.“You’rekidding,right?”
Inudgedhim.“Yeah.”
Webothstartedcrackingup.
“Ican’ttellwithyou.”Hesighed,pickingmindlesslyattheshrubsatthesideofthe

stairsbeforeturningbacktowardme.“DidIreallylookthatmiserableyesterday?Itwasthat
obvious?”

“Sortof…yeah.”
“Howoldareyouanyway?”heasked.
“Ten.Howoldareyou?”
“Eleven.Youseemwayolderthanten.”
“MymomsaysI’manoldsoul.Ialsokindofhavethisthing.It’slikeanESP.With

certainpeople,it’sasifIcanfeeltheiremotions.It’shardsometimesbecauseIdon’talways
wantto.ButwhenIsawyou,Ijustsensedsomethingwaswrong,andIfeltyoursadness,
too.”

“Wow.WhatamIfeelingrightnow?”
“Rightnow,you’renotsad.”
Hestaredatmeforawhilebeforehismouthspreadintoawidesmile.“You’reright.

I’mnotanymore.”

***

Thatnight,Mrs.Mazzainvitedmeoverforaspaghettidinner.Sheletmeplayin

Mitch’sroomforawhileafterward,andheshowedmethesecomicbookshemade.Hedidall
oftheillustrationsandcaptionshimself.

Wehungouteverydaythatsummer.
Eachafternoonatexactlythree,wewouldmeetatthehoopandplayourgame.After

hundredsofmissedshots,weendedupknowingpracticallyeverythingabouteachother:our
likes,dislikes,embarrassingtruthsandfears.

Itturnedoutmybiggestfearcametrueearlierthanexpectedwhenonedayinmid-

August,twoweeksbeforeMitchwasscheduledtogobacktoLongIsland,therewasaknock
atthedoor.

MitchlookedmorosewhenIopenedit,hishairstuffedunderaYankeescap.
“Skylar,myDad’shere.He’stakingmehome.Hemademepackallmystuffjustnow.

Myparentsdidn’tagreeonhowlongIshouldbehere,andIguesshegothisway,sonowI
havetoleavewithhim.”

Itfeltlikeasuckerpunch.“Now?Weweregonnadothatgoodbyepartything,andI

stillhaven’tmadeyouyourgiftand—”

“Iknow.I’mreallysorry.Idon’twanttoleave.Ididn’twanttocomehereinthe

beginning.ButsinceImetyou,nowIwishIcouldstay…likeforever.”

“Canyoucomein?”
“He’swaitingoutinthecar.”
Thecarhornbeeped,andMitchturnedaround.“Givemeasecond,Dad.Jeez.”

Iwasfrantic.“Idon’twantyoutoleave,Mitch.”
Thetoneinhisvoicebrokemyheart.“Idon’tknowhowI’mgonnahandleeverything

backhome.IwishIhadyoutherewithme.Youalwaysmakemefeelbetterabout
everything.”

“Willyoukeepintouch?Letmeknowwhathappenswithyourparents?”
“Iwill.”
Ifelttearsforminginmyeyes.“Whatdowedonow?”
Hisvoicewaslow.“Iguesswesaygoodbye.”
“Idon’twantto,”Isaidasthefirstteardropfell.
Hereachedintohisjacketandpulledoutalargeenvelopehehadtuckedunderhis

arm.“Here,Imadeyousomething.Iwasgoingtogiveittoyouattheendofthesummer.
Openitlater,okay?”

Inoddedthroughtears,“Okay.”
Thehornbeepedagain.“Mitch!Idon’twanttohitrushhour.”
Mitchleanedinandpulledmeintoahug.Hottearsstreameddownmycheekandonto

hisshoulder.

Hesniffled,butIcouldn’ttellifhewasabouttocry.“Thankyou,Skylar.”
“Forwhat?”
“ForgivingmesomethinghappytothinkaboutwhenIneedit.”
Thatwasthelastthinghesaidbeforewalkingawayandgettingintothecar.Hisface

wasbarelyvisibleunderthecapashewavedgoodbyeonelasttimebeforethecardisappeared
fromsightintotheglareofthesun.

Mymother’swindchimesblewinthebreezeasIstaredoutintotheemptystreetand

acrosstoourdesolatebasketballcourt.Iwascrushed.

Itooktheenvelopestraighttomyroom.Insidewasoneofthecomicbookshemade.

Butthisonewasdifferent.Thecharacterswere…us.ItwastitledTheAdventuresofS&M.
(Thealternatemeaningofwhichwouldnotoccurtomeuntilseveralyearslater.)Shadtwo
longbraids,couldflyandhadotherspecialpowers.MwasanordinaryboyinaYankeescap.
MkeptgettingintotroubleandSwouldrescuehimfromharminvarioussituations.Hehad
endedthebookwithToBeContinued.

Ineverheardfromhimagainafterthatday.
Inthefiveyearsthatfollowed,theboywiththeYankeescapandthebig,blueeyes

becamenothingmorethanamerefondmemorytuckedinsidemyheart.

Duringthattime,Mrs.MazzamovedtoFlorida,andherhousewasrentedouttonew

tenants.IassumedthatmeantIwouldneverseeMitchNicholsagain.

Butlifeisfullofsurprises,andaspromisedattheendofthecomic,ourstorywasfar

fromover.

CHAPTER3

SKYLAR

“Angie,can’tyougoanywherewithoutthatthing?”
Click.Flash.
MybestfriendAngiewouldn’tleavethehousewithoutherSLRcamerastrapped

aroundherneck.Sometimes,peoplethoughtwewerewiththepress.

“Areyoukidding?Thisplaceisameccaforphotoops,”shesaid.
Angiewasodd,butshewasagoodfriend.BecauseIcouldpickuponaperson’s

energy,itwashardformetoconnectwithsomeoneunlesstheyweretrulygenuine.Icould
alwaysseethroughpeople,andtherewereveryfewyoucouldtrustwithyourheart.

Angiedidn’thaveabadboneinherbodyandasannoyingastheconstantclickingof

thecamerawas,shetookphotosbecauseshetrulyappreciatedeverythinglifehadtooffer,
neverwantingtomissanopportunitytocapturetheunexpected.Asembarrassingasitwas
beingtheotherhalfof“cameragirl”asshebecameknown,Iadmiredthefactthatshedidn’t
giveacrapwhatpeoplethought.

Tonight,wewereatthehighschoolequivalentofafratparty.AngieandIwere

freshmanatSt.Clare’s,anall-girlsCatholicschool.So,wehadtodependonpartiesrunby
thepublicschoolkidsforanyco-edmingling.

Therewerealwaysreallycute,olderboysatMarcusWest’sparties,whichwaswhyit

wouldhavereallybeenhelpfulifmyfriendweren’tgeekingoutwithhermassivecamera.

Click.Flash.
“Didyouseethat?Thatdrunkkidjustwipedoutonthestairs.Isnappedit.”
“AnnieLiebovitzwouldbeproud,Ang.”
MarcuswasajuniorandafriendofAngie’solderbrother,sowealwaysgotinvitedto

thepartieshe’dthrowwhenhisparentswentaway.Wetoldourmothersthatweweregoing
tothemall,sowe’dhavetoleavebynine.

Weneverdrank.Asmuchaswelikedbeingaroundthewildstuff,webothhadpretty

goodheadsonourshouldersandneverputourselvesinsituationswherewecouldbetaken
advantageof.

Thispartywasthesameasalltherest.Somecoldfoodfromthesubshopthatnoone

touchedsatoutonanislandinthekitchen.Inoneroom,agroupofkidswouldbesmoking
pot.Inanother,therewouldbesomedumbdrinkinggamegoingon.Inthemainlivingarea,
MarcushadhisiPodconnectedtoaspeaker,andpeoplewereeitherdancingormakingout
onthecouches.Andofcourse,someofthosepeoplewouldheadupstairstodoGodknows
what.

AngieandImostlyjuststoodinthelivingroomandpeople-watched.Noneofthe

good-looking,olderboyseverapproachedus,butifwehungoutinonespotlongenough,
inevitablysomedrunkkidwithbeerbreathwouldcomeover,puthisarmaroundmeandgive
mesomedumbpick-upline.

Tonightitwas,“Wherehaveyoubeenallmylife?”
“Runningfromyou,”IsaidasIslippedfromunderhisarm.
Atonepoint,Angieleftmealone,andIwenttofindthebathroom.Therewasoneright

offthekitchen.WhenIopenedthedoor,aguyandagirlweremakingoutinside,soIquickly

shutit.

Onceupstairstofindadifferentone,Ipassedanothercouplekissinginthehallway

beforerollingmyeyesandenteringthebathroom.

IsplashedsomewateronmyfaceanddecidedIwasreadytoleave.Iwasn’tfeelingit

heretonightandwantedtogohometomybed.

Onmywayout,Iapproachedthesameguyandgirlwhohadn’tmovedfromthespot

wherehehadherpinnedagainstthewallashismouthhoveredoverhers.

RightafterIpassedthem,itoccurredtomethattheguywaswearingaYankeescap.I

thoughtnothingofituntilonmywaydownthestairs,Iheardthegirlsay,“Mitch,wecan’t
stayhere.Let’sgotooneofthebedrooms.”

Mitch?HewaswearingaYankeescap,andhisnamewasMitch?Whatwerethe

chances?

Icontinueddownthestairsdespiteanuneasyfeeling.Itcouldn’thavebeenmyMitch

becausehedidn’tlivearoundhere.Butatthesametime,Ihadn’treallygottenalookathis
face.Ithadtobeacoincidence,though.Right?

Thesmellofboozeandweedsaturatedtheairinthehot,crowdedlivingarea.
Angiewasnowinthecorneroftheroomhappilytalkingtoaguywholookedabout

seven-feettall.Normally,Iwouldhavebeenthrilledforher,butIwantedtoleave.

AsIsatalone,Icouldn’tgettheguynamedMitchoutofmymind.Witheachpassing

minute,mycuriositygrew.ButterfliessetinasIimpulsivelymademywaybackupthestairs.

Adoorattheendofthehallwascrackedopen.MyheartpoundedasIwalkedoverto

it,peekedinandsawtheguyinthebaseballcaplyingwiththegirlonthebed,stillfully
clothed.Ididn’tknowwhattodobutfeltlikeIneededtoconfirmthatitwasn’thim.There
wasnowayIwouldsleeptonightifIcouldn’t.

Theroomwasdarkexceptforanight-light,soitwasimpossibletoseefacialfeatures.

WhoknewhowlongIwouldhavetowaitbeforetheycameout?Andthen,howwouldI
explainmystandingoutsidetheroomlikeacreeper?

IwentbackdownstairswhereAngiewasstillinthesamecornertalkingtothatreally

tallguy.

“Angie,Ineedyourhelpwithsomething.”
Shegesturedtohernewfriend.“Skylar,thisisCody.”
Ilookeduptomeethisface.“Hi,Cody.CanIstealherforaminute?”
“Sure.I’llwaitrighthere,”hesaid.Hisvoicewassurprisinglyhighandundeveloped

foraguywhohadclearlyhitpuberty.Infact,ifIclosedmyeyes,itcouldhavebeenmistaken
foragirl’s.

IpulledAngieawayandledhertowardthestairs.
Shesighed.“Thisbetterbegood.Iwasgettingreadytowrapmyselfaroundthat

beanstalklikeavine.”

“Heisreallytall.”Ilaughed.“Okay,listen.I’llletyougetbacktohim,butIjustneed

youtodoonethingforme.”

“Okay…what?”
“I’malittlefreakedoutrightnow.RemembermyfriendMitchfromwhenIwasten?”
“Theonewhobasicallydisappeared?”
“Yeah.Well,there’saguyupstairsmakingoutwithagirlinoneoftherooms.He’s

wearingaYankeescap.Mitchusedtoalwayswearone.Anyway,IthoughtnothingofituntilI
heardhercallhimMitch.”

“Youthinkit’sthesameMitch?”

“Idon’tknow.That’swhatIwanttofindout.Icouldn’tseehisface.Ineedyoutojust

knockonthedoorandask,‘IsthereaMitchNicholsinhere?’”

Angiehadnoproblemmakingafooloutofherself,soIknewshe’ddoit.
“WhatdoIdoifhesaysyes?”
“Chancesare,it’snothim.So,don’tworryaboutthat.Ijustneedtoruleitout100-

percent.”

Sheshruggedhershoulderslikeitwasnothing.“Okay.”
IletoutadeepbreathasAngieapproachedtheroom.Istayedseveralfeetbackcloser

tothestairs.Shelookedbackatme,andInodded,givingherthegoahead.

Sheclearedherthroat.“IsthereaMitchNicholsinhere?”
Iwasstandingtoofarawaytohearhisreply.ButwhenAngieturnedtolookbackat

me,thetroubledexpressiononherfacemademyheartdrop.

Ilostmybreathwhenheappearedatthedoorway.
“IsaidI’mMitchNichols.Whowantstoknow?”
Angiewasspeechless.“Ugh…”
“What’swiththecamera?”heasked.
Iwastoofrozeninshocktohelpmypoorfriendout.Ijuststoodthereunableto

believemyeyes.ItwasMitch.Iwantedtorunaway,butIcouldn’tmove.Hehadn’tnoticed
meyet.Iturnedmyheadaway.

WhenIpeekedoveragain,thegirlcameoutoftheroom,herblondehairmussedand

herclothingwrinkled.“Whatthehellisgoingon?”

“Ihavenofriggin’idea,”Mitchsaidtoher.
Agirl’svoiceyelledfromthestairs.“Skylar,wheredidAngiego?”
Iturnedaround.Itwasn’tagirl.ItwasAngie’sguy,Codywiththehighvoice.Hecame

upstairs.“What’sgoingon?”

WhenIlookedbacktowardthebedroom,Ifinallyletmyselflookathim.Afamiliarset

ofblueeyesstaredbackatme,andeverythingelseseemedtovanish.Hewhisperedmyname
inadeep,smooth,unfamiliarvoice.“Skylar?”

Hewashandsome.Sohandsome.Andtall.MyMitch…buthewasn’t.
Amixtureofemotionsconsumedme,withangerattheforefront.Itwouldhavebeen

easierifhejustpretendednottorecognizeme.Thatwouldhavebeenbetterthanknowing
he’dbeenhereintownandnotbotheredtocontactme.Icouldn’thandlethis.Ineededair.
So,Iturnedaroundandmademywaydownthestairs.

WhenIexitedthefrontdoor,Ijustkeptrunningdowntheroadawayfromthehouse.

Mymindwasinahaze,andmythroatfeltfrozenfromswallowingthefrigidairasIran.

Upuntilthismoment,MitchNicholsrepresentedpleasantchildhoodmemoriesthatI

cherished.Inseconds,allofthatwasdestroyed.Hewouldnolongerbeimmortalizedinmy
mindasaninnocentandvulnerableboy.Now,he’dforeverbeacheapmanwhorewhotook
girlstobackroomsatparties.

Itwasstartingtodrizzle,andIfoundmyselfrunningintothicklayersoffog.Istopped

aboutthreeblocksawaytocatchmybreathwhenIreceivedatextfromAngie.

Whereareu?Heranafteryou.
Theopaquefogmadeitimpossibletoseeanythingbehindme.Then,Iheardfootsteps

runningtowardmeinthedistance.

CHAPTER4

MITCH

Shewasn’tsupposedtofindoutlikethat,andIdamnwellneverthoughtshe’dbeat

thisstupidparty.

Aftersomeoneshouted,“Skylar,”Ilookedovertowardthestairsandnearlylostmy

abilitytobreath.Iknewitwasher,butatthesametime,thepersonstandingtherewasn’t
exactlytheskinnygirlinbraidsIremembered.Shewasgrownup,reallyprettyinaclassy
way,unlikeAva,thegirlIcameherewith.AfterIcalledoutSkylar’sname,Icouldn’ttakemy
eyesoffher,andthenshewasgone.

“Mitch?What’sgoingon?Whowasthatgirl?”Avaasked.
Ijuststaredspeechlessattheemptystairs.
ThegirlwiththecamerasnappedapictureofmebeforerunningtochaseafterSkylar.
Whatthefuck?
IleftAvaandfollowedthegirldownstairsasaseven-foottallguyIrecognizedfrom

schooltrailedme.

“IsSkylaryourfriend?”Icalledfrombehindthegirl.
“Yes.Ineedtofindher,”shesaidbeforeaskingsomeone,“HaveyouseenSkylar?”
Someguypointedtothedoor.“Shejustleftaminuteago.”
Iputmyhandonthegirl’sshouldertostopherfromleaving.“Please.Letmegofind

her.”Iranoutsidebeforeshecouldrespond.

Itwasreallyfoggyout,andIhadtopickadirection.Ichoseleftbecauseitwastoward

herhouse.

Afterafewminutesofrunning,Iwasalmostreadytoturnaround.ThatwaswhenI

noticedherstoppedfurtherdowntheroad.Whensheheardmeapproaching,sheturned
around.IsloweddownandwasoutofbreathwhenIfinallycaughtuptoher.

“Youalwayscouldrunlikehell.”Whenshedidn’tsayanything,Icontinued,“Ididn’t

expecttoseeyoutonight.”

Shelookedupattheskyandletoutasinglesarcasticlaugh.“Isn’tthatsupposedtobe

myline?”

Shewassopretty.
Myheartwaspounding.“Iguessyou’reright.”Iwasreallytakenabackbyhow

differentshelooked.Long,wavyauburnhairwetfromthedrizzlyrainreplacedthetwo
braidsIrememberedshealwayswore.Shewasstillpetitebutdefinitelywasn’talittlegirl
anymore.Iwasalltooawareofthat.

Eventhoughitwasdark,thestreetlightsshinedonherface,illuminatinghergreen

eyes.Shewaswaitingformetospeak,butIwastoobusystudyingher.

Shebrokemystarewhenshesaid,“Thisisthepartwhereyouopenyourmouthand

saysomething.Maybeexplainwhyyounevercalledorwrotetome.Maybeexplainwhyyou
showupfiveyearslaterscrewingsomewhoreatapartyonmyturf.”

“Whoa…wait.Iwasn’tscrewingher,”Isaiddefensively.ItbotheredmehowmuchI

neededhertoknowthat.

“It’snoneofmybusinessanyway.I—”
“Iwasn’tgoingtohavesexwithher,”Isaidwithmyeyespeeringintohers.

“Fine.TMI.LikeIsaid,it’snoneofmybusiness.”
“Idon’tlikethewayyou’relookingatmerightnow,”Isaid.
“HowamIlookingatyou?”
“Likeyou’redisappointedinme.”
Whythefuckdiditmattersomuchwhatthisgirlthoughtofme?Itshouldn’thave,

butitdid.ItwaswhyIhadwaitedinthefirstplacetotellherIwasbackhere.

Sheclosedhereyesandsighed.Herexpressionsoftened.“I’mjustalittleshockedto

seeyou,okay?”

“Iknow.I’msorry.”Iletoutadeepbreathbeforetellingher,“Iliveherenow,Skylar.”
“What?Sincewhen?”
“Sincelastweek.”
“Idon’tunderstand…”
“Mymotherlostherjobandhasreallybeenstrappedforcashoverthepastyear.Since

mygrandmothermovedtoFloridaandownsheroldhouseoutright,sheofferedittousso
thatwecouldliverent-free.MyDaddoesn’tgiveashitaboutwhatwedoanymore.So,we
moved.”

“HowdidInotseeyoumovein?”
“Wedidn’thaveatruckoranything.Thehouseisallfurnished.Wedroveuphalfour

stuffaweekagoandgobackfortherestnextweekend.”

“You’vebeenlivingacrossthestreetfrommeforaweek?”
IlookeddownatthegroundunsureofhowtoexplainwhyIhadn’tgonetoseeher.

Thetruthwas,Iwasscared.ThatlittlegirlIleftbehindhadmeantsomuchtome.The
thoughtofherandmemoriesoftheconversationsduringourbasketballgamesgotme
throughmanydifficultnights.Ididn’twanttofindoutthatshehadchangedorworse,that
shewouldbedisappointedinhowIturnedout.Iknewseeingheragainwouldbeinevitable,
buteachday,Iputitoff.

“Ipromiseyou.Iwasgoingtocomebysoon.”
Shestartedtoshiveranddidn’thaveajacket.Itookoffmyhoodieandputitaround

herarms.

“Thanks,”shesaid.
Severalquietsecondspassed.“Letmewalkyouhome.”
“IshouldcallAngie.”
ShewalkedafewfeetawaysoIcouldn’theartheconversationthenreturnedtothe

spotwhereIwasstanding.

“ShesaidCodyistakingherhome.”
“Isthatthetalldude?”Iasked.
Shenodded.“Yeah.”
“Thatguysoundslikeheswallowedhisownballs.”
Whensheburstoutlaughing,mytensebodyfinallyrelaxed.Thesweetsoundofher

familiarlaughmademesmile.Forthefirsttimetonight,ithadfeltlikeoldtimes.

“Whataboutyourgirlfriend?Youjustleftherthere.”
“She’snotmygirlfriend,”Iwasquicktosay.“AvaisagirlIjustmetatschoolthis

week.Sheaskedmetogotothepartywithher,andIsaidyes,butIreallydidn’twantto
come.”

“Youleftthedoorcrackedopenupstairs.FromwhatIsaw,itlookedlikeyoureally

wantedtocometonight.”

Well,shit.TherewasthewisemouthIremembered.Butnowthatshewasolder,itwas

dirty,too.Andthatintriguedme.ButIwishedshehadn’tseenmemakingoutwithAva
becauseitreallydidn’tmeananything.

“Yeah,well…itwasamistake.”Itookoutmyphone.“Hangon.”ItextedAvathatI

wasn’tcomingbacktotheparty.She’dwhineaboutitanddemandanexplanation,butIhad
nointerestincontinuingwhatwehadstarted.“Ijusttoldhersomethingcameup.Now,let
mewalkyouhome.”Itookmyjacketoffhershouldersandopenedit.“Here.Slipyourarms
through.”

Shedid,andIzippeditupslowly,carefulnottocatchherhair.Myfingersbrushed

lightlyagainstherbreastsonthewayup.

Well,thosewerenew.
“Thanks,”shesaid,lookingupatme.
Myhandwasstillonthezipper,andIsquelchedtheurgetopullhertowardmeright

beforeIletgo.

Hertinyframewasswimminginmyhoodie,andthatmademesmile.“Let’sgo.”
Wewalkedside-by-sideataslowpace,andIchuckledatthefactthatshewasagood

footshorterthanme.

ShewasthefirsttospeakwhensheaskedmethequestionIknewwascoming.“So,

whathaveyoubeenuptothepastfiveyears,Mitch?”Itcameoutsarcasticallycasualbecause
webothknewthatquestionwastheelephantintheroom.

“I’msorryInevercontactedyou.”
Thetoneinhervoicetuggedatsomethingdeepinsidemewhenshesaid,“Ijust

wantedtoknowyouwereokay.”

“Iknow.I—”
Sheinterruptedme.“Imean,Iwouldseeyourgrandmotherandaskaboutyou.She

wouldalwayssayyouwerefine,butIwantedtohearitfromyou,becauseIknewyoudidn’t
shareyourtruefeelingswithherlikeyouhadwithme.So,Ineverknewwhetherwhatshe
wouldtellmewasreallythetruth.”

“Listen…I’mnotevengoingtomakeanexcusefornotcallingorwritingyou.Iwasa

dumb11-year-old.ThesituationgotreallybadafterIgothome.Thingswithmyparentswere
wayworsethanIimagined,andIdidn’twanttotalktoanyone,notevenyou.Iwasashamed
ofcertainthings.Butyouneedtoknowsomething.”

“What?”
“Everythingyoutoldmebackthenstuckwithme:thatitwouldgetbetter,thatit

wasn’tmyfault.Ikeptreplayingeverythingwe’dtalkedaboutandremindedmyselfthatI
wasn’talone…thatyouhadbeenthroughthesamethingandsurvived.ItwastheonlywayI
gotthroughit.So,Ireallyneedtothankyou,Skylar.”

Therestofthewalkhome,shelistenedasItoldherthingsIhadn’tevertoldanyone.I

explainedthatshortlyafterIleftmygrandmother’s,Ifoundouttherealreasonmyparents
weregettingdivorced:myfatherhadasecretgirlfriendandhadgottenherpregnant.Inow
hadafour-year-oldhalf-sisterwhomIbarelysawbecausemyfathereventuallytookoffto
liveinPennsylvaniawithhisnewfamily.WhenIwastwelve,mymotherhadgottenso
depressedthatshehadtobehospitalized,andIhadtogotolivewithmyuncletemporarily.

Overthepastcoupleofyears,thingshadfinallygottenbetter.Weweregettingusedto

thenewnormalwithmyfathergonefromthepicture.WhenMomlostherjob,theshithit
thefanagain,andthat’showweendeduphere.MymotherandIwerenowbackinher
childhoodhometryingtostartover.

BythetimewegottoSkylar’sdoor,Iwasmentallyexhaustedfromrehashing

everything,butitwasarelieftohavefinallyletitallout.Howironicthattheonlytwotimes
inmylifeIhadreallyopeneduptosomeone,itwastoher.WhatwasitaboutSkylarthat
mademewanttopourmyheartout?

“Thanksforbeingopenabouteverything,”shesaidasshestoodonherfrontsteps

facingme.“I’msorryforfreakingoutandrunningearlier.”

Inudgedherwithmyshoulder.“Itwasfunchasingyouagain.Andthankyoufor

listening.Youknow…”Ilookeddownatmyfeetandshookmyhead.“Nevermind.”

“What?”
“Thisisgonnasoundkindofcorny,butIalwaysknewI’dseeyouagain,thatI’dbe

backheresomehowandthatwewouldstillbefriends.”

Shesmiled.“Tobecontinued…”
Ididn’tgetitatfirstbutthenrealizedshewasreferencingthecomicImadeherwhen

Iwaseleven.Ihadforgottenaboutthat.“Youstillhavethatbook?”

“Ofcourse,Ido.It’snoteverydayyougetastarringroleinastoryaboutS&M.”
Ibentmyheadbackinlaughter.“Holyshit.WhenIrealizedthemeaningafewyears

back,Inearlydied.Cluelesslittlekid.”

“Well,Ibettergoinside.MymotherthoughtIwasatthemall,whichclosedahalf

hourago.”

“Oh,yeah…you’dbetter,”Isaid,backingaway.“Seeyouaroundthen?”Ipointedacross

thestreet.“Incaseyoudidn’tknow,I’mrightoverthere,so…”

Shesurprisedmewhenshetookastepforwardandhuggedme.“I’mgladyou’rehere.”
Iclosedmyeyes,relishingthebriefcontactofherwarmbodyandthefemininesmell

ofherhair.“Me,too.”Ineverwantedtoletgo.

Shepulledback.“Goodnight,Mitch.”
“Goodnight.”
WhenIwalkedintothehouse,mymotherwaswatchingtelevision.“Hey,honey,how

wasyournight?”sheaskedasshesippedherteaonthecouch.

“Unexpectedlygood,Mom.”Isaidwithoutfurtherexplanationonthewaytomyroom.
Thoughtsofherkeptmeupthatnight.Itfeltgoodtohavereconnected,butwhatwas

screwingwithmewereallofthethingsIwasn’texpectingtofeel,howattractedIwastoher.

Shehadn’tgivenmebackmyhoodie.IthoughtaboutherwearingitandhowmuchI

lovedthethoughtofherdelicatelittlebodyinmyclothes.Ithoughtaboutwhatitwouldbe
liketotasteherplump,redlips.Iimaginedburyingmynoseinherlong,silkyhairand
kissingthenapeofherneck.

Suckingonherneck.
IttroubledmethatIwashavingthesethoughtsaboutSkylar…littleSkylar.Notsolittle

anymore.

Iwashard.AndIwasfucked.
ShewassomeoneIcouldseemyselfreallyfallingfor.ButtherewasonethingIknew

forsure:Iwouldnotletthingsgoanyfurtherthanfriends,fallinlovewithagirllikeSkylar
andhurther.

IrememberedhowinlovemyparentsseemedwhenIwassmall.Theywerealwaysall

overeachother,anditgrossedmeout.MyDadhadtoldmymotherhowmuchhelovedher
allthetime,onlytoleaveheryearslaterforayoungerwoman.Mymotheralmostdiedfroma
brokenheart.Inmyexperience,lovedoesn’tlastforever,andsomeonealwaysgetshurt.

Thatwasn’tgoingtobeme,anditsureashellwasn’tgoingtobeSkylar.So,whenit

cametoher,Iwouldkeepmydickinmypantsifitkilledme.

Someoneshouldstartplanningmyfuneral.

CHAPTER5

SKYLAR

Angiesatonmybedcleaninghercameralens.“Ican’tbelieveitdoesn’tbotheryou

thatMitchdatesothergirls.”

Alumpformedinmythroat.“He’snotmyboyfriend,sowhyshoulditmatter?
Angietookmypicture.“Uh-huh.”
“Whatwasthatfor?”Isnapped.
“Iwantyoutoseewhatyourfacelookslikewhenyou’relyingthroughyourteeth.”
Irolledmyeyes.“He’slikeabrothertome,Ang.”
“Then,that’sjustgrossbecauseheclearlywantsyou.Idon’tunderstandwhyyou’re

nottogether.”

“WhosaysMitchwantsme?”
“Haveyouseenthewayhelooksatyou?Ihaveaboutahundredpicturestoproveit.”
“Idon’tknowwhatyoumean.”
Iknewexactlywhatshemeant.
Overthepastsixmonthssincehemovedhere,MitchandIhadnotonlypickedup

whereweleftoffaskids,butwegrewcloser.Wesaweachotheralmosteveryweekdayafter
school,hungoutinourrooms,didhomeworktogetherandatedinnerateachother’shouses.
Mymother,Tish,andhismother,Janis,alsobecamecloseandevenhungoutwithoutus
onceinawhile.Sometimes,thefourofusatetogetherorwatchedamovie.

Tosomeonelookinginfromtheoutside,itwouldhavelookedlikeMitchandIwere

brotherandsister,partofonebighappyfamilywithtwolesbianmoms.Therealitywas,the
momswerelonelyex-wivesofmenwhoabandonedthem.Andbrotherandsistersecretly
wantedtohavesexwitheachother.Iwouldsaythat’stheepitomeofdysfunctional.

WhileMitchandIwereinseparableduringtheweek,onweekends,hewould

sometimesgooutwithgirlsfromhisschool.Hewasgorgeouswithagreatbodyand
thereforepopular.Despitemypretendingnottocare,therealitywas,hisdatinghurtlikea
motherfucker.

Hewouldalwaystellmewherehewasgoingandevenwhohewasgoingwith,but

therewasasilentunderstandingthatwenevertalkeddetails,andthatwasfinewithme.

EveryonewhoknewmewouldagreethatIspokemymind.Ifmymotheraskedmeifa

dressmadeherlookfat,I’dtellheritdid.WhenAngiesaidsheoverheardsomeonesaying
herboyfriend,Cody,soundedlikeagirl,sheaskedformyopinion.ItoldherIthoughthe
soundedlikeMickeyMouseonhelium,butthatsheshouldn’tgiveacrapwhatanybodysaid
becauseshewascrazyaboutthatdude.

So,forthemostpart,Ididn’tmincewordsandwasanopenbook—exceptwhenit

cametomytruefeelingsforMitch.Thatwasmyonesorespot.ButIwassickoflyingto
Angie.Ineededtoletitout,orIwasgoingtoexplode.

Iploppeddownonthebed.“Okay.You’reright.Itdoesbothermewhenhegoesout

withothergirls.”

“Iknewit!Howcoulditnot?”
ItookadeepbreathbecauseitwasthefirsttimeIwouldadmitthisoutloud.“Ihave

feelingsforhim,okay?Butsee…IknowMitchbetterthananyone.Wetalkalot.Hisparents’

divorcereallyscrewedhimup.He’sworriedhe’sgoingtoturnoutlikehisfather,andhe’s
seenhismotherreallyhurtbythingshisfatherdid.”

“Butwhatdoesthathavetodowithyou?”
“We’reonlyfifteenandsixteen.Iknowhecaresaboutmeandwantsustoalwaysbein

eachother’slives.He’safraidtoscrewitup,andhonestly,Ikindofam,too.Icansensethat
he’ssexuallyattractedtome,butIdon’tthinkhe’llevercrosstheline.Theproblemis…
sometimesIwishhewould.”Iexhaled.

“So,youbothwanteachother,careabouteachotherbutwon’teverfindoutwhether

thatcouldleadtomore?Meanwhile,hejustdatesabunchofbimbos,andwheredoesthat
leaveyou?”

Igavetheonlyhonestanswer.“Screwed.”

***

Mitchworkedthreedaysaweekatthegourmetcoffeeshopinthemallfoodcourtto

helphismotherpaythebills.Hehadtoattendthisintensivetrainingsothathecouldlearn
howtooperatethefancyequipment.Hewasnowanexpertmilkfrotherandmademyvanilla
latteexactlythewayIlikedit:extrahotandfoamy.

OneThursdayafternoon,Angie,CodyandIdecidedtopayMitchavisitatwork.While

myfriendsusuallytooktheirdrinkstogoandwalkedaroundthemall,Ilovedtostayand
watchhiminactioninhisredapronashejuggledthedifferentorders,flippingcups,pushing
buttons,steamingmilk.

Strandsofhiswavybrownhaircurledundertheredcaphewore.Mitchhadthe

shiniest,thickest,chestnuthairwithahintofcopperwhenthesunhitit.Partofhisuniform
wasafitted,blackpoloshirtthathuggedhistonedchest.Ilovedthefocusedexpressionon
hisfaceashedrizzledthecarameljustrightorcarefullypouredhotmilkintoacup.His
tonguealwaysmovedslowlyacrosshisbottomlipwhenhewasconcentrating.

Whenheplaceddrinksonthecounter,he’dlookcustomersintheeyeandflashhis

gorgeoussmile.Itwasnowonderwhythelineswerealwaysendless.Girlslinedupindroves
tovisitthebrawny,blue-eyedbarista.WatchingMitchwasadownrightturnon.

ThethingIlovedthemost,though,wasthemomentwhenhe’dfirstnoticeme.The

genuinesmilereservedformewaswarmerthantheonehe’dgivethecustomers,andhis
eyesalwayslingeredonmineliketheyweretellingmeasecret.Then,he’dgobacktodoing
hiswork,stealingglancesatme.He’dsmilewheneverhecaughtmewatchinghim.

Ifhesawmegetinlineforadrink,he’dgestureformetositbackdown.He’dalways

makeminebeforetherestandwhistleovertomewhenitwasreadyonthecounter.Thecup
wouldusuallyhavesomethingspecialwrittenonitinblackmarker.Sometimes,itwasa
goofyfaceorrandomwordlike“ass”tomakemelaugh,andothertimes,itwasamessage.
Today,hewrote,Waitforme.InoddedtoindicatethatIwouldhangarounduntilhegotoff
work,andhewinkedatme.

HewouldmakemeasmanylattesasIwanted,andIwoulddohomeworkorreadmy

kindleamidsttheconstantsteamingsoundofthemilkfrother.

Atexactly7:00,Mitchcamefrombehindthecounterwithhiscoaton.“Thanksfor

stickingaround.Ilikeitwhenyou’rehere.Itmakesworkgobyfaster.”

Everytimehesaidsomethingnicetomelately,myheartwouldpitter-patter.
Hegrabbedmybackpack.“Let’sgo.Ihaveasurpriseforyou.”
Mitchledmedownasidecorridorofthemallandstoppedinfrontofthepetstore

withabiggrinonhisface.“Guesswho’sback?”

Igaspedandrantothebackofthestore.“Seamus!”

Mitchlaughedatmyreaction.“Iheardhimonmywayintoworkearlierandcouldn’t

waittotellyou.”

Seamuswasablue-frontedamazonparrotIhadfalleninlovewithoverthepastfew

months.I’dvisithimeverytimewewenttothemall.Besideshisbright-coloredfeathersand
beautiful,blackbeak,Ilovedhisattitude.Apparently,thepetstorehadbeentryingtogethim
tomimiccommonhumanphraseslikesomeoftheotherbirds.Seamuswasn’thavingit.The
onlythinghesaidwas“HolyToledo!”Hemusthavepickeditupfromapreviousowner.

Afewweeksago,whenIhadcomeintovisithim,hewasgone.Thesalespersontold

ussomeonehadfinallyboughthim,andithadbeenheartbreakingtoseehiscageempty.

“Whyisheback?”IaskedMitch.
“Theytoldmethepersonreturnedhim.”
“Strange.”Iturnedtothewomanatthecounter.“Doyouknowwhyhewasreturned?”
“Theyjustdidn’twanthimanymore.Wehaveathirty-daypolicy.”
Ipoutedmylip.“Howcouldanyonenotwantyou?”
Ibrokeintolaughterasheflappedhiswings.“HolyToledo!”
Mitchputhishandonmyheadandplayfullymessedupmyhair.“You’resocute.The

simplestthingsmakeyouhappy.”

Therewasthepitter-patteringagain.
Mitchdidn’ttouchmealot,butwhenhedid,evenforasecond,mybodyresponded.
AfterfifteenminutesofgettingreacquaintedwithSeamus,weleftthestore.Mitch

waitedonabenchformewhileIusedthemallbathroom.

IwasinthestallwhenIheardtwogirlstalkingastheywashedtheirhands.
“DidyouseeMitchNicholsoutthere?”
“Yeah.He’ssodamnhot.Hiseyesareinsane.”
“Hisbody,too.IheardheaskedAmberout.”
“She’ssuchabitch.Wait…IthoughthewasdatingBrielle?”
“No,theyjusthookeduponce.”
“Oh.Well,Iwouldn’tmindbeingnext.”
“Getinline.”
Iactuallyblockedmyears,soIcouldn’thearanymoreandsatonthetoiletfrozenuntil

Iheardthedoorslam.Myheartwaspounding,andIcouldfeeltheadrenalinerushas
jealousyhitmelikeatonofbricks.IbreathedinandoutslowlyuntilIcomposedmyself
enoughtogetupandwashmyhands.

Sure,Mitchcaredaboutme,andIwasprettysureIhadatleastapieceofhisheart,but

thatwasn’tenoughformeanymore.Iwantedallofhim.AsIlookedinthemirror,Idecided
itwastimetogivemyfriendsomeofhisownmedicine.

CHAPTER6

MITCH

Daveydroppedabombonourwayhomefromschool.“DidyouhearAidanasked

SkylaroutforthisFriday?”

Ifelloffmyskateboardrightaswearrivedatmyhouse.“Saywhat?AidanHamilton?”
“Yeah.Apparently,he’dbeentryingtogooutwithherformonths,butshe’salways

saidno.HeaskedhertogotothefallcarnivalFriday,andshesaidyes.”

Shit.AidanwenttoCrestviewHighwithme.ShemusthavemethimthroughAngie’s

boyfriend,Cody.Aidanwouldtrippeopleinthecafeteriaforlaughsandtalkbacktoteachers.
Hewasadouchelord.He’dbeenwithalotofgirls,too,someofthesameonesIdated.I
wouldadmit,hewasagood-lookingguy,buthesureashelldidn’tdeservetogooutwitha
girllikeSkylar.

“Really…”IwassoangryIwaspracticallyfoamingatthemouth.
“That’sallyouhavetosay?Dude,yourfaceisturningcolors.”Daveyfollowedmeinto

thehouseandheadedstraightfortherefrigerator.

Adozenthoughtsracedthroughmyhead.Namely,howIwasgoingtostopthis.
DaveyknewhowprotectiveIwasofher.Helivedtwohousesdownfromus,wasour

onlymutualfriendandago-between.Skylar’sfriendsweremostlygirlsfromherprivate
school.Daveywasourcommondenominator.Ididn’tliketheideaofSkylarhavingguy
friendsbecausethey’dallwantinherpantseventually—myselfincludedifIwerebeing
honest.ButDaveywasalmostasshortasSkylar,roly-polyandharmless.ThinkPillsbury
doughboywithlong,blackdreadlocksheneverwashed.ThatwasDavey.Let’sjustsay,Skylar
wasn’tgoingtobetemptedbyourfurrylittlefriend,andIlikeditthatway.

Aidan,ontheotherhand,wasaseriousthreat,andeventhoughIwantedtospew

venom,ItriedtoplayitdownwhileIclearedmyhead.“Technically,Skylarcangooutwith
whomevershewants,”Isaidcoldly.

“Nottrue,”Daveysaidashehelpedhimselftoasoda.
“What?”
“Shewantsyou,youdillweed.”
Mypulsequickened.“Shetoldyouthat?”
Daveyshookhishead.“Shedoesn’thavetosayit.”
Thewayshelookedatmesometimeswiththosebeautifulalmond-shapedeyesmade

mewonderifshedid.

“YouknowIcan’tgooutwithSkylar.”
Daveyburped.“WhatIdoknowisthatyoumessaroundwithgirlsyoudon’tevenlike

togetheroutofyoursystem.”

Maybe,butthatwasthewayithadtobe.
“Skylarislikefamilytome.Goingfurtherwithher…thereisnowaythatcouldend

well.We’retooyoung,toomanyyearsaheadtofuckthingsup.Itwoulddestroyus.”

Speakingofdestruction,IhadtofigureouthowIwasgoingtokeepSkylarfrom

gettingmixedupwiththatdick,Aidan.IfIcouldn’thaveher,hesureashellwasn’tgonnaget
her.ItextedAmbertocancelourmoviedateFridaynightbecausenowIhadworktodo.

Iputmyphoneinmypocket.“WhatareyoudoingFridaynight,Dave?”

“Letmecheckmyphone.”Helifteditandpretendedtocheckhiscalendar.“Oh!

Waxingmyass.”

“Yeah.Postponethat.Howdoyoulikecottoncandy?”

***

WheneverIwentanywherewithDavey,IfeltlikewewereArnoldSchwarzneggerand

DannyDevitofromthatoldmovie,Twins,becauseItoweredoverhim.

Thefallcarnivalwasheldinabigfieldaboutamilefromwherewelived.Itwasfullof

peopleweknewfromschoolandthelastplaceI’dhavebeenwereitnotforthefactthat
SkylarwouldbehereonwhatIwasprettysurewasherfirstofficialdate.

Shehadtoldmeaboutherplans,andIplayeditcool.Itwasn’tlikeIcouldtellherI

wasgoingtoshowupandspyonher.IsworetomyselfI’dstayawayunlessIsawAidan
makeonewrongmove,atwhichpointIwoulddeckhim.

Itwasdark,crowdedandchaotic.Thebrightlightsfromtheridescombinedwiththe

dingingsoundsfromthegameboothsmadeithardtofocusonmymission.

Ihadn’tspottedheryet,anditdidn’thelpthatDaveyhadgottenseparatedfrommein

searchoffunnelcake.

HelookedlikehehadgoneswimminginavatofpowderedsugarwhenIfoundhim.

“Davey,canwepleasefocusonfindingSkylar?Youcaneatlater.”

“Trythis,”hesaid,pushingthefrieddoughintomyface.
Iwaveditaway.“Ican’tthinkaboutfoodrightnow.”
Hespokewithhismouthfull.“Man,can’tyouseeyouhaveitbadforher?Thisisn’ta

normalreactiontoyourfriendgoingoutonadate.”

“I’mjusttryingtoprotecther.”
“You’regonnadothiseverytimesomeguyasksherout?”
“No,justwhenhe’sanasshole,”IsaidasIcontinuedtolookaround.
“Istherereallyevergoingtobeaguygoodenoughforherinyoureyes?”
Ithoughtaboutit.“Maybenot.”
Fuckno.
Daveywavedthefunnelcakeashespoke.“That’smessedup.Justadmitthatyou’re

notheretoprotecther.You’reherecuzyou’rejealous.”

“I’mnotjealous.”
“Then,itshouldn’tbotheryouthatshelookslikesheishavingareallygoodtimeright

now.”Hepointedovertotheticketbooth.

IturnedaroundandsawSkylarlaughingatsomethingAidanwassayingwhilethey

wereinline.Mychesttightened,anditfeltlikeIcouldn’tbreathe.WhenIcouldmakeher
laughlikethat,itnormallymademeallgooeyinside.Seeingherfacelightupforanotherguy
mademewanttokillsomeone.

IgrabbedDavey.“Comeon,Idon’twanthertoseeme.”
“Youshouldweargreenmoreoften.Itsuitsyou.”
“Shutup.”
DaveyandIwalkedbackovertotheconcessionstandwhereheorderedacaramel

apple.“Ishouldhavegottentheonewiththenuts.”

Thecrunchofhisteethsinkingintotheapplemademecringe.Ishookmyheadat

him.“Seriously?”

“Look,I’mhereforyou,butI’mhungry.JusttellmewhatIneedtodo,andI’lldoit.In

themeantime,I’meatin.’”

AidanhadtakenSkylarovertoagamebooth.Itwastheonewhereyouhadtoshoot

waterintotheclowns’mouthstoseewhichplayercouldfillthebiggestballoon.Thefirstto
popwonaprize.HesatdowntoplaywhileSkylarstoodnexttohim.

Herlong,straighthairfellloosedownherback.Shelookedsexyashell,andImight

havedrooledalittleasmyeyestraveledfromtoptobottom.Atight,redshirthuggedherfirm
breasts,andsheworeashort,denimskirtthatmademewanttopullmyhairout.Iwantedto
scoopherupinmyjacketandcarryherhome.

IknewIwasattractedtoSkylar.IknewIcareddeeplyaboutherandwantedtoprotect

her.ButIwasn’tpreparedforthelevelofjealousythathitmetonight.

Aidankeptwinning.Aftereachvictory,they’dofferhimabiggerstuffedanimal.Ifhe

keptplaying,hewouldeventuallygetthegargantuanone.Afterhisfinalwin,hestoodup
fromthechair,bentdownandliftedSkylarintotheair.

Hishandswereonherass,andmybloodwaspumpingthroughmyears.Thecarnival

musicbegantosoundlikeitwasbeingplayedbackwardsalongwiththedrumbeatinmy
head.

Abeastlyvoiceinsidemesaid,“Getthefuckoffmygirl.”
Aftertheyfinallywalkedawaywithapinkhippothatwaspracticallybiggerthanshe

was,IrealizedDaveyhaddisappearedonmeagain.

Severalminutespassed,andIhadlosttrackofbothDaveyandSkylar.
Then,IheardDavey’svoice.“Mitch!”
Icouldhavekilledhimforshoutingmyname.Butitseemedtobecomingfromthe

sky.IlookedupandsawhimwavingexcitedlyfromatoptheFerriswheel.Hewasn’talone.It
tookmeafewsecondstorealizethatsittingnexttohim…wasAidan.

Whatthe…howintheworld?
Daveyflashedmeamaniacalgrinandapeacesign.Aidanlookedannoyed,andthat

pleasedmetonoend.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
SkylarwasstillholdingthemassivehippowhenIturnedaround.
Itriedtoplayitcool.“Oh…hey.”
“Hey.”Shewasn’tsmiling.
“Um…whatis…AidandoingwithDaveyontheFerriswheel?”Iasked.
“Wewerestandinginlinewaitingtogoon.Aidangotinfirst,andoutofnowhere,

Daveypushespastmeandstealsmyseat.Then,itstartedmovingupsothenextpersoncould
board,andIcouldn’tdoanything.”

RemindmetobuyDaveyanothercandyapple…withextranuts.
Ibitmyliptostiflealaugh.“Noway.”
“AnyideawhyDaveywoulddothat,Mitch?”Sheaskedwithasuspiciouslook.
Iheldmyhandsupbutcouldn’tcontainmysmile.“IsweartoGod.Ihadnothingtodo

withit.”

“Youdidn’ttellmeyouwerecomingheretonight.”
“HowwereyougoingtogoontheFerriswheelwiththathippoanyway?”
“Iwasgoingtoleaveitonthegroundandhopenoonetookit.Youdidn’tanswermy

question.”

Iplayeddumb.“Whatwasthat?”
“Whyyoudidn’ttellmeyouwerecoming.YouknewI’dbehere.”
“Yeah…that…”
“Areyouspyingonme?”
“No.”

“Yourearsareturningred,Mitch.You’relying.”
Sheknewmesowell.Thatreallysucked.
“Okay.”Irubbedmytemples.“Ijustwantedtocheckthingsout.Makesureyouwere

okay.”

“DoIdothattoyouwhenyougooutwithadifferentgirleveryweekend?”
“No.Butit’sdifferent.Youdon’tknowhowguysare,Skylar.We’redirty,dirtyfuckers.

Idon’twanthimtryingtotakeadvantageofyou,totouchyou.Aidangoestomyschool.I
knowhowheis.I—”

“MaybeIwantsomeonetotouchmeonceinawhile.”
Fuck.
IwasstunnedsilentbeforeIsaid,“Youdon’tmeanthat…nothim.”
“Whywouldn’tI?Thegirlsyoutakeoutlikeitwhenyoutouchthem,right?So…why

amIanydifferentfromthem?”

Shit.Ididn’tknowwherethisconversationwasgoinganymore,exceptthatIwas

startingtofeelmyjeanstightenatthethoughtofherwantingtobetouched.Godhelpme,I’d
neverwantedtotouchanygirllikeIwantedtotouchher.

Myphonerang.ItwasDavey.“Davey?What’sgoingon?”
“Haveyounotrealizedthatthisdeathtraphasn’tmoved?”
Ilookedupandsawhimwavingfromthedanglingseat.Then,hebrokeoutsomekind

ofhip-hopdancemovewhileAidanhadhisheaddown,handoverhisface,lookingfrustrated.
Theywerestuckatthetop.SkylarandIhadbeensobusytalkingthatwedidn’tnotice.

“They’restuck?”sheasked.
Iwalkedovertotheconductorwhoreekedofcigarettesmoke.“What’shappening?”
Hedidn’tevenlookupfromhisnewspaperwhenhesaid,“Equipmentmalfunction.

Wewaitin’onsupport.”

“Shit.Davey,areyoustillthere?”
“No.”
“Iguessthey’rewaitingonhelp.Hanginthere,buddy.”
Icouldn’thelpbutlaugh.
Skylaradjustedhergriponthegiantstuffedanimal.“Isupposeyouthinkthisis

hilarious.”

Ishookmyheadwithagrin.“No…no.”
Hermouthwidenedintoasmile.“Becauseitis.”
Webothburstoutlaughing.
Iwipedmyeyesandlookedup.“AnyminuteDavey’sgonnabustouthisStarWars

trivia.”

“AndifAidangetshungry,I’msureDaveywouldn’tmindsearchinghisdreadsfor

someleftovercrumbs,”Skylarjoked.

WewaitedforabouttenminutesuntilIwalkedoverforanotherupdatefromtheride

operator.“Howmuchlonger?”

“They’retellingmeaboutthirtyminutesnow.”
IcalledDaveytolethimknow.
PoorDavey.Butthisnightcouldnothaveendedupbetterforme.IturnedtoSkylar.

“Youhungry?”

Shesmiled.“Icouldeat.”
Igrabbedthehippofromher.Weendedupgettingacoupleofslicesofpizzaand

takingthemtoapicnicareajustoutsidethecarnivalgates.Itwasawayfromtheaction,but

wecouldstillkeepaneyeontheFerriswheelincaseitstartedmoving.

Whenwefinishedeating,wemovedtositonagrassyhillthatoverlookedtheentire

fairgrounds.Therewasnooneelseinthevicinity.

Wesatinsilenceuntilsheturnedtome.“Youwerethinkingaboutyoursistertonight,

weren’tyou?

Herquestionflooredmebecausethetruthwas,Ihadbeenthinkingabouther.But

howdidsheknowthat?“Whydoyouask?”

“Isawyoulookingatthelittlegirlinlinewhenweweregettingourpizza.Shelooked

aboutfive,andIknowyoursisterisaroundthatage.”

Sometimes,Skylarblewmeawaywithhowperceptiveshecouldbe.
Ihadonlymetmyhalf-sister,Summer,afewtimes.Ialwaysfeltguiltyaboutnot

goingtoseehermore,butthingswerealwaystensewhenIvisitedmyfatherinPennsylvania.
Summer’smotherwasoneofthemainreasonsformyparents’divorceandmymother’s
breakdown,andIcouldn’tgetpastit.Itwasn’tmysister’sfault,andIfeltguiltyalotfornot
beingtheremoreforher.

“Howdoyoualwaysknoweverything?”
“Idon’tknoweverything.Iknowyou.”
“Yeah,youdo,don’tyou?”Ismiled.“ThatlittlegirldidremindmeofSummer.Iwas

thinkingabouthowIwishedIcouldtakehertosomethingfunlikethis.Iworryabouther,
Skylar.”

“Why?”
“IjusthavethisfeelingmyDadisgoingtofuckupagainandripapartherworld

someday,thewayhedidmine.”

“Thatcouldhappen,butifitdoes,shehassomethingyoudidn’t.”
“What?”
“Shehasyou,abigbrothertoturntoandsomeonewho’sbeenthroughitandcantell

herit’llturnoutokay.You’llbethereforhernomatterwhat,evenifheisn’t.”

Shealwaysknewtherightthingtosay.
Inodded.“She’llhaveme.”IturnedtoSkylar.“AndIhadyou.Youwerethatperson

formeallthoseyearsago.”

“I’mglad.”
“Iwasthinkingoftakingthetraintovisitherduringschoolbreak.Willyoucomewith

meifyourmotherletsyou?”

Sheputherhandonmyknee.“Ofcourse.”
Skylar’stouchfeltelectric.Ilookeddownandalmostputmyhandoverhersbutdidn’t.
Herhairblewinthebreeze,andIwantedtorunmyhandthroughitandtellherhow

muchshemeanttome.

Instead,IwassilentasIlookedupatthestarrysky.Somethingbeyondmycontrolwas

buildinginsideofmetonight,andIstartedtofeelinexplicablynervous,asifsuddenlythis
momentweredifferentfromthehundredsofothertimesSkylarandIhungout.

ItfeltlikethiswasourfirstdateinsteadofherswiththebozostuckintheFerris

wheel.

ShewaslookingupwhenIturnedtostareatherprettysideprofile.Shehadthe

smallest,pinned-upnosewithadustingoffreckles.Whenshecaughtme,Iinstinctively
lookedupattheskyagain.

AwindblewherfloweryscenttowardmeandIbreatheditin,wishingthatIcoulddo

somuchmorethansmellher.MyheartstartedracingbecauseIfeltmyinhibitionsgiving

waytosomethingelse,somethingmuchstronger.ItwassomethingIwasn’tsureIcould
fightrightnow.

“Areyougoingtolethimkissyoulater?”
Shelookedsurprisedbymyquestion.“Idon’tknow.Ihadn’treallythoughtitthrough.

Iguesshe’dhavetoberescuedfirst,orthechancesaregreaterthathe’llbekissingDavey.”
Shelaughednervously.

Ipickedatthegrass.“He’sgonnatry.Youknowthat,right?”
“Yeah.”
“DaveytoldmethatAidanaskedyououtalotbefore,butyoualwayssaidno.What

changed?”

Shelookedupattheskyagain.“IguessI’mgrowingup.”Then,sheturnedtome.“And

mayberealizingcertainotherthingsaren’tgonnapanout.”

Ouch.
Myeyesmethers.“Skylar…I—”
“Don’tsayanything,Mitch.It’sokay.”
ShehadnoideahowmuchIwantedtosayandwantedtodo.
IwasprettysureIknewtheanswerbutaskedanyway.“Haveyoueverkissedanyone?”
Sheshookherheadnobutdidn’tsayanything.
“Areyouplanningtogivehimyourfirstkiss?”
“Probably.”
Thejealousythatnearlymademeinsaneearlierreturnedinfullforce.
“Youcan’tdothat.”
“Why?”
MyheartpoundedinanticipationofwhatIwasabouttodo.“BecauseI’mstealingit.”

CHAPTER7

SKYLAR

Mitchplacedhiswarmhandsonmycheeks,andmyheartskippedabeatwhenhe

pulledmyfaceintohis.Ihadimaginedthismomentsomanytimesbutwasn’tpreparedfor
hownervousI’dbe.

Ikeptmylipspursedandwhimperedashismouthdescendeduponme.Mybody

tensed.Myeyesshutwhenhishotlipspressedintomine.

Icouldn’tbelievethiswasactuallyhappening.
Hesensedmynerves,stoppingthekissforamoment,hishandsstillonmyfacewhen

hewhisperedovermymouth,“Openforme,Skylar.”

Helickedacrossmylipsslowly,andmyentirebodywentlimpwhenhistongueslipped

insidemymouth.Hetastedlikepuresugarandsomethingelsethatwasindescribable.Itwas
histasteandsuddenly,Icouldn’tgetenoughofit.

Mitchgroanedwhenmytongueswirledfastaroundhis.Hishandsmovedfrommy

face,andhegrippedthebackofmyhair,fistingitinhishands.

Mynerveswereathingofthepastsuddenly,andallIwantedwasforhimtokissme

harder,faster,deeper.Now,myhandswereinhishair,bringinghimclosertome,andhe
moanedintomymouth.Ilovedthefeelofhissilkyhairbetweenmyfingers.Ihadalways
wantedtotouchitlikethis.

Hislipsopenedandclosedovermineashecontinuedtomovehistonguearoundthe

insideofmymouth.Hepulledandsuckedonmytongueatonepointbeforeslowlylettingit
go,makingmynippleshardeninstantly.

ThiswasnothinglikehowIimaginedmyfirstkiss.ThiswaswhatIimaginedsexfelt

like:all-consuming,addictive,anditmademewantmore.Iwouldhavedoneanythinghe
askedmeto,anditdidn’tevenscaremebecauseitwasMitch.Thisjustfeltright.

Minuteswentby,andwenevercameupforair.Myunderwearwascompletelywet,

andthathadneverhappenedtomebefore.Hekepthishandsonmyfaceorinmyhairbut
nevertouchedmeanywhereelse.

Theonlytimehislipsleftmineweretokissslowlydownmyneck.Iwantedhimtogo

lower,andmybreaststingledinanticipation.Buthekissedalinebackuptomychinand
thenreturnedtomymouth.Hegrowledovermylips.“Whatareyoudoingtome?Ican’tstop
kissingyou.”

Desperateforhimtocontinue,Ikissedhimharder.“Don’tstop.”
“IfeellikeIcan’t,andit’sscaringtheshitoutofme.”
Irepeated,“Don’tstop,Mitch.”
Hesaidinbetweenkisses,“lhaveto.”
Hekissedhiswayuptomyforeheadandfinallypulledaway.Hiseyeswerefulloflust,

buttheyalsolookedpained.Ileanedin,desperatelyneedingtotastehimagain,buthe
backedaway.

Then,hisphonerang,andhepulleditoutofhispocket.Icouldn’tstopstaringathis

mouthashespoke.

“Davey?”Hepaused.“Good…that’sgood.Yeah…wejustwent…”Helookedatme.“to

getsomepizza.We’llmeetyoubytheFerriswheelinlikefiveminutes.”

Irubbedmylips.Theyweresoreinthebestway.“Aretheyoffoftheride?”
“Yeah.Iguesswemissedthatdevelopment.”
Ishivered,rubbingmyarms.“Apparently.”
“Areyoucold?Takemyjacket.”
“Idon’tknowifthat’sagoodidea.”
“Idon’tcarewhatAidanthinks,”hesnappedbeforetakingitoffandputtingitaround

myshoulders.“Justtellhimyouwerecold,andIgaveittoyou.Hedoesn’tneedtoknow
anythingelse.Youdon’towehimanexplanation.”

Inodded.“Okay.Thanks.”
Mitchseemedagitatedandlookedmeupanddown.“Weshouldgo.”
Thewalkbacktothefairgroundwasawkwardtosaytheleast.Neitheroneofus

seemedtoknowwhattosayaboutwhathadhappened,sowechosetosaynothingatall.

Whenweapproached,DaveywassippingonagiantdrinkwhileAidanwaschecking

hiswatch.

“Hey,guys,”Isaid.
Aidanlookedup,walkedoverandputhisarmaroundme.“Well,thatsucked!Where

haveyoubeen?”

“Iranintomyfriend,Mitch,andwewenttogrababiteuntiltheygotyouguysdown.”

IgesturedbacktoMitch.“Youguysknoweachotherfromschool,right?”

Aidansmirked.“Yeah.Thanksforlookingaftermydate.”
Mitchhaddaggersinhiseyes.“Thepleasurewasallmine.”
“Readytogo?I’lldriveyouhome,”Aidansaid.
Mitchlookedoveratme,andmyheartbroke.Iknewhewasconflictedaboutourkiss.

IwascertainhewasjustasconfusedasIwasrightnow.Neitherofusexpectedwhat
happenedtonight.

Still,IhadcomeherewithAidanandfeltIhadnochoicebuttoleavewithhim.I

walkedaway,leavingMitchandDaveybehind.Icouldn’tlookatMitchasIleft.

WhenAidandroppedmeoffatmydoorandtriedtokissme,Iturnedmyface,giving

himthecheek.Betweenthatandmydisappearingactatthecarnival,Iwasprettysurehe
wouldn’taskmeoutagain.

Thatnight,IlayinbednestledinsideMitch’shoodie,smellinghimonmeand

replayingournever-endingkiss.Mybodywasstillfullyaroused.Itouchedmyselfandlicked
mylips,imaginingthatitwasMitchtouchingmeuntilIcame.

Icouldn’tfallasleep.
IfIwasjealousofhisseeingothergirlsbefore,nowthatItrulyknewallthatIwas

missing,Icouldn’tfathomhowIwasgoingtohandleit.

Myphonebuzzedclosetomidnight.ItwasatextfromMitch.
Letmeknowyougothomeokay.
Skylar:Homeinbed.
Afewminuteslater,myphonebuzzedagain.
Mitch:I’msorryIshutdown.Ididn’tknowwhattosay.Andthenyouleft

withhim.Ihaven’tbeenabletothinkaboutanythingelse.

Skylar:Iknow.Metoo.Don’toverthinkit.Itiswhatitis.
Mitch:Itwasamazing.
Ihadbeentryingtoplayitdown.Iwasn’texpectinghimtosaythat.Sincewewere

beinghonest…

Skylar:Ididn’tknowakisscouldfeellikethat.

Mitch:Itnormallydoesn’t.
JustwhenIwasgettingmyhopesup…
Mitch:Idon’tthinkweshoulddothatagain,okay?
Myheartdropped.Asinkingfeelingdevelopedatthepitofmystomach.Ididn’t

respond.

Mitch:ItfeltlikeIwaslosingcontrol.LikeIcouldn’tstopmyself.Idon’t

wanttotakethingstoofarandloseyou.

Hekepton.
Mitch:DoyouunderstandwhatI’msaying?
Ateardropfelldownmycheek.Iunderstoodwherehewascomingfrom,andapartof

meworriedhewasright.Butthatwasn’tgoingtochangehowIfelt.

Skylar:Loudandclear.Goodnight.
Ishutoffmyphonebeforehecouldrespond,tookoffhisjacketandcriedmyselfto

sleep.

CHAPTER8

MITCH

Ithadbeenacoupleofweekssincethekissatthefairgrounds—thekissthatchanged

everything.ItwasproofthatIcouldn’ttrustmyselfwithheranymore.AllofthereserveIhad
workedhardtobuildupwasshattered,anditfeltlikeIhadtostartalloveragainnow.

Thatmeantavoidingbeingalonewithheratallcosts,atleastforawhile.IhadDavey

comeoveronthedaysSkylarandIdidhomeworktogether.Ihadtotellhimwhathappened
thatnight,andintypicalDaveyfashion,hebustedmyballsaboutit.

DuringSpanishhomeworkoneafternoon,thedickheadaskedSkylarandmeifwe

knewwhatbesomeant.Whenshenonchalantlyansweredthatitwasthewordforkiss,I
wantedtothrowmytextbookathishead.

Shewasdoingagoodjobofactinglikenothinghadchangedbetweenus,though,

whichmadeiteasierbutalsobotheredmealittlebecauseforme,itwasaninternalstruggle.

Icouldtryandactlikenothinghadchangedinfrontofherduringtheday,butwithout

fail,everynight,thatkissreplayedinmyhead.Mymouthwouldwaterrememberinghowshe
tastedorthenoisesthatshemadewhenIkissedherneck.Iwantedsobadlytoexperienceit
againorevenworse,toknowwhatnoisesshe’dmakewithmeinsideofher.

Ihadkissedalotofgirls,butithadneverfeltlikethat.Thenagain,Ineveractually

hadfeelingsforanyofthem.SeeingSkylarwithAidanhadtriggeredaprimalreactionand
mademerealizehowdeepthosefeelingsactuallyran.Itwasaninsolubleproblem:keep
awayfromSkylarandkeepherawayfromotherguysatthesametime.

So,whenyoucan’tfigureouthowtohandlesomethingstressful,createadistraction.

Thatwasmynewmotto.

Skylarandhermotherwouldbeoverfordinneranyminute,andIhadasurprisefor

her,oneIhopedwouldhelpeasethetensionbetweenus.

EventhoughitwasaFridaynight,Ihadnootherplans.Whenthedoorbellrang,my

heartstartedtobeatfaster.

Cuttheshit.It’sjustSkylar.
Thesmellofmymother’seggplantlasagnawaftedthroughthehouseasImademy

waydownstairs.Thecold,fallairblastedthroughthedoorwhenmymotheropenedit.

Istoodawkwardlywithmyhandsinmypockets,tryingtolooknonchalant,likeI

hadn’tjustbeenfantasizingabouther.“HeyTish…Skylar,”Isaid.

Skylartookoffherblackpufferjacket.Iwasgratefulthatshehadchangedoutofher

sexyschooluniformintosomesweats.

“Hey,”Skylarsaidbeforewalkingovertothelivingroomwhereshelookedthroughmy

mother’smagazineswithherlegscrossedonthesofa.Ilovedhowcomfortableshewashere.

“Mitch,yourmothertoldmeaboutalloftheA’syou’vebeengettinglately,”Tishsaid.
“Yeah,well,gottafocusmyenergyonsomething.Mightaswellbeschool.”
“Well,keepupthegoodwork.”
“Thanks.”
Thatwasanotherthing.I’dbeendivingheadfirstintomyschoolworkinanattemptto

transfermyfocusontosomethingotherthanwhathappenedwithSkylar.Apparently,itwas
payingoff.

Shewasbeinguncharacteristicallyquiettonightandhadn’tsaidanythingsincethey

walkedinthedoor.Aswesatdowntoeat,mymotherbrokethesilence.

“So,whatareyouguysdoingforThanksgiving?”
“Well,OliverwantsSkylartospenditwithhimandhisbeautifulbridedownin

Florida.”

Mymotherputdownherfork.“Beautifulbride?”
“Youheardme.”Tishtookalongsipofherwine.
“Theygotmarried?”
“Apparently,theywenttoajusticeofthepeaceinthecitylastweek.Wejustfoundout

whenhecalledaboutanhourago.They’redoingalittleceremonydowninMiamiwithher
familyoverThanksgiving,andtheywantSkylartoflydown.”

Shit.That’swhyshewasbeingquiet.
Ilookedoveratheruntilshewouldlookatme.Thedisappointmentinhereyeswas

palpable.Ihatedseeingherupset.Sheveryrarelyletthingsgettoher.Myrock.

SkylarwenttovisitherfatherinBrooklynaboutoneweekendamonth.Shewasn’t

crazyaboutspendinganylongamountoftimewithhim,buthewaswaymoreinvolvedinher
lifethanmyfatherwasinmine.Still,itfreakedmeoutsometimeshowsimilarourfamily
situationswere.

WhileSkylar’sDaddidn’tleaveTishforanotherwomanspecifically,hehadn’texactly

beenfaithful,either.He’donlyhadoneseriousgirlfriendsincethedivorceandrecently
movedinwithher.Shewasapparentlynowhiswife.

MymotherturnedtoSkylar.“Honey,areyouokaywithallthis?”
Shewipedhermouthwithanapkinthenthrewitdown.“AmIokaywithOliver

marryingtitaniumtits?Sure…whatever.ButamIokaywithhimcasuallycallingtotellus
aboutitafterthefact,likehewasannouncingwhathehadforbreakfast?No.I’mnotokay
withthat.”Shegotupfromthetableabruptly.“Excuseme.”

Igotupaminutelaterandfoundherinthelivingroomwhereshewasstandingbythe

window.Itwasstillearlyintheevening,butitwasalreadydarkout.

“Hey…youokay?”
Sheturnedaroundtolookatmebeforereturninghergazetotherainthathadstarted

tofalloutside.“It’snotevenaboutme.I’mmadformyMom.Myparentsweretogetherfor
fifteenyears.She’sactinglikethisdoesn’tbotherher,butIknowitdoes.Ialwaystellmyself
they’rebetteroffapart,butGod,thismuststing.Shehasn’tevendatedanyone,andheelopes
withthefirstseriousgirlfriendhegetsandactslikeit’snothing.It’sthelackofrespectthat
getsme.Shejustdoesn’twantittoshow,butshe’shurtingrightnow.”

Shewasmoreconcernedwithhermother’sfeelingsthanherown.TypicalSkylar.
Iwantedtohugher.Afewweeksago,Imighthave,butnow,Ireallyneededtorefrain

fromtouchingher.“IwishIcouldsaysomethingthatwouldhelp.Butonlytimeusuallyfixes
thesethings.YouknowIunderstand.”

Sheturnedtome.“Yeah…outofeveryone…Iknowyoudo.”
“Don’tletOliver’sdumbdecisionsruinyourweekend.Yourmomwillbeokay.Shehas

mymothernow,whodefinitelyknowswhatshe’sgoingthrough,andshe’sdamnluckyto
haveadaughterwhocaresabouthersomuch.”

Shefinallycrackedasmile.“WhyareyouhomeonaFridaynightanyway?Ifigured

you’dbeoutwiththegirloftheweek.”

“Idecidedtostayinforachangeand…”Ihesitated.
“And?”

“So…Ikindofhavesomethingthatmightcheeryouup.It’ssortofanearlybirthday

gift.”

Skylarsquintedhereyessuspiciously.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Comewithme.”
Comewithme?Really?Nicewordchoice.
Shefollowedmethroughthekitchenpastourmotherswhowerenowpolishingoffthe

bottleofwine.Myheartwasracinginanticipationaswewalkedupthecarpetedstairstomy
room.

Thelookonherfacewhenthedooropenedwaspriceless.WherewasAngieandher

camerawhenyouneededher?

“Seamus?!”
Sherushedovertothecageinthecorneroftheroom.Theparrotflappedhiswings

excitedlyandtiltedhisheadrepeatedlylikeherecognizedher.

“HolyToledo!”
Ilaughedbecauseitwasthefirsttimeheusedhissignaturephrasesinceweleftthe

petstoreearlier.Figures,hewouldshowoffforher.

“I’vebeenhidinghiminhereallday.Igotluckybecausehewasquietallthroughout

dinneranddidn’truinthesurprise.”

“You…youboughthim?”Shelookedbackatmeindisbelief.
“HolyToledo!”
“Yup.He’sours.”
“How…didyouaffordit?He’sexpensive!”
“Iputhimonlayaway.”
“Theyhavethatforbirds?”
“Thestoreemployeesknewhowmuchyoulovedhim,andwhenItoldthemIwanted

tobuyhimforyou,theyworkedwithme.I’vebeensavingandpayingininstallmentsevery
weeksincehewasreturnedtothestore.TheyheldhimuntilthisafternoonwhenIpicked
himup.”

TheonlyothertimeIhadeverseenSkylarcrywaswhenIlefttownasakid.Butnow,

hereyeswerefillingwithhappytears,andIwasn’tsurehowtoreact.Ijustknewthatbeing
theoneresponsibleformakingherhappymademegiddy.

“Thisisthebestgiftanyonehasevergivenme.”
Ikeptmyhandsinmypocketstosquelchtheurgetohugherandtodiscourageher

fromcomingnearme.“IwasthinkingI’dkeephimhereforyou.Iknowyousayyou’realight
sleeper.IthinkIcansleepthroughanything.Theysaidhecouldgetkindofnoisywhenhe
getstemperamental.Igothimthisspecialbreathableblankettothrowoverthecageatnight,
toteachhimtosleeponmyschedule.Heneedsitdarktosleep.”

“HolyToledo!”
“CanItakehimout?”
“He’syours.Dowhateveryouwant.”
Shecarefullyopenedthecageandliftedhimoutontoherfinger.“Hey,buddy.

Rememberme?Guesswhat?You’reminenow.Ican’tbelieveit.Iloveyou.Yes,Ido.Ilove
yousomuch.”Shekissedhisbeakandcontinuedwhisperingsweetnothings.

Lucky-assbird.
You’reminenow.Iloveyou.Iclosedmyeyesforasecond,pretendingthatshewas

sayingthosethingstome.Damnbirdwassupposedtodistractfrommyfeelings,notenhance
them.

Seamus’wingswereflappinglikecrazynow.Weactuallyonlyguessedonhisgender,

butsomethingtoldmehewasdefinitelyallmale.

“HolyToledo.”

***

ItstartedtodawnonmewhythatothercustomerreturnedSeamustothepetstore.
Mymotherwalkedintomyroomabouttwointhemorning.“Didyougetadogforher,

too?Whatthehellisgoingon?”

Ihadmypillowwrappedaroundmyhead.“No!Thisthingjuststartedbarkingoutof

nowhere.”

“Apparently,hemisseshisoldstompinggrounds,”shejoked.
Ithrewthepillowinfrustration.“WhatthehelldoIdo?”
“Well,youcan’texactlyreturnhim.”
“No.Icouldn’tdothattoSkylar.”
Mymothersatatthefootofmybedandlaughed,“Youwoulddoanythingforthatgirl,

wouldn’tyou?”

“Mom…”Isaid,dismissively.
Ihadn’tdiscussedmyfeelingsforSkylarwithmymother,andIcertainlywasn’tgoing

togetintoitinthemiddleofthenightwithabarkingparrot.

“Okay.We’llhavetodosomeinternetresearchonhowtogethimtostop.Inthe

meantime,I’llputsomeearplugsin.”

Ireturnedthepillowtomyearsasmymotherlefttheroom.
Afteranotherhalf-hourofbarkingandsomehowlingnowmixedin,Iturnedonthe

lightandmethimfacetoface.

“StopBARKING!”
Hecontinuedtoyelpinmyface.
Ipointedmyindexfinger.“Look.Ifyoudon’tcutthatout,Idon’tbringthegirlback

heretoseeyou.Nomoregirl!Youhearme?I’mtired.NOMOREGIRL.”

Seamusflappedhiswingsandtiltedhisheadlikeheunderstood.Heflewaroundthe

cageinaflusteredpanic,andwhenIcoveredhimagainwiththebreathableblanket,bysome
miracle…thebarkingstopped.

Coincidence?Ithinknot.SeamusandIapparentlyhadsomethingincommon.

***

Ihadpickedupmorehoursatthecoffeeshopthefollowingweektohelppayfor

Seamus,andthatalsomeantlesstimewithSkylar,whichwasprobablyagoodthing.

Thursdaywasmydayoff,sosheandDaveyweresupposedtocomeoveranddo

homeworkaroundfour.

Aboutanhourearlier,myphonerang.ItwasSkylar.Ipickedup.“Hey,you.”
“I’moutfront.Idon’tthinkyourdoorbellisworking.It’spouringrain,andIlostmy

housekey.CanIcomein?”

“Uh…yeah.Sure.I’llberightdown.”
Thiswouldbethefirsttimeweweretotallyaloneinmyhousesincebeforethe

carnival,butwhatwasIsupposedtodo?

WhenIopenedthedoor,herhairwassoppingwetandsowereherclothes.That

fuckingCatholicschooluniformwasalreadyatease,butnow,itwasstucktoherbody.Itwas
thehottestthingIhadeverseen.

Inhalingherscentasshebrushedpastmewasliketakingahitofadrug.“Thank

goodnessyouwerehome.”

“Yeah.Thankgoodness,”Imutteredundermybreath,watchinghergoupthestairsto

myroom.Ipanicked.“Whereareyougoing?”

“IwannaseeSeamus.”
Fuck.
“Oh.Yeah.”
Thebirdwasflittingaroundlikecrazywhenshewalkedintotheroom.Hewas

practicallydeadfromtheneckdownandtheassupwhenitwasjustthetwoofus.

“Seamus!Mama’shere!”Skylarsaid.
Somewaterdrippedoffofherhairdownthebackofherwhitedressshirt.Icouldsee

thebackofherbrathroughthewetmaterial,andasshebenttotakeSeamusoutofthecage,
myeyestraileddowntothesightofherskirtridingupherlegsandthosefuckingkneesocks.

AsmuchasItriedtocontrolit,mymindwentthere,tothatplaceItriedsohardto

stayawayfrom.AllIcouldthinkaboutwaswhatitwouldfeelliketobesandwichedbetween
thoselegs,andIfeltmyselfgettinghard.Thiswasnotgood.

Itgotworsewhensheturnedaroundwiththebirdperchedonherfinger.Hernipples

werecompletelyvisiblethroughthethin,wetfabricofhershirt.Watercontinuedtodrip
downoffofherhairontoherchest.MylipstingledasIimaginedwhatitwouldbeliketolick
thewaterrightoffofher.Mybodytensedassheapproachedandsatnexttomeonthebed.

“You’vebeenabadboy.”
Mypulsequickened.“Huh?”
“Seamus.He’sbeenbad.Yourmomtoldmeaboutthebarking.”
Phew.Ithoughtshehadbeenreadingmymind.
“Oh!Yeah.Well,wekindofcametoanunderstandingwiththat…heandI.It’sallgood

now.Hedoesn’tdoitasmuch.”

“That’sgood.”Shekissedhisbeak.
“HolyToledo!”
Hewasinhisglory,hammingitupforher.Iwasontohimnow.
ShewassittingsoclosetomethatIcouldsmelltherainonherbodymixedwithher

perfume.Theurgetokissherwasoverwhelming,andIwishedIcoulderasethememoryof
whatitactuallyfeltlike.

“I’msorry.I’mgettingyouallwet,aren’tI?”
Mybreathingwaserraticnow.“What?”
“Ishouldprobablygetoutoftheseclothes.”
Fuck.What?No.
Mydickheardthatloudandclear.
“DoyouhavesomethingIcouldchangeinto?”
Ido.Ijustcan’tstanduprightnow,oryou’regonnaseehowmuchIwantyou.
“Yeah.Um…gointomyclosetandpickwhateveryouwant.”
“Thanks.”
ShereturnedSeamustohiscagebeforewalkingoverandtakingalong,whitet-shirt

offahanger.

Continuingtobeparalyzedbymyerection,Istayedonthebedandpointedtomychest

ofdrawers.“Therearesomeshortsinthere.Mypantswouldbealittletoolongforyou.”

Shelookedbackandsmiledatme.“Youthink?Justalittle.”Shegrabbedapairof

shortswithadrawstring.“WherecanIchange?”

Righthere.Ontopofme.
“Thebathroomdownstairs.”Thatwasthesafestplacebecauseitwasthefurthestspot

frommycock,whowasnowstandinginlineforfrontrowticketstoSkylar’swardrobe
change.Ineededasmuchtimeaspossibletogetridofhisexcitementbeforeshecameback.

“I’llberightback.”
“Takeyourtime.”
WhenIcouldhearthatshewasdownstairs,Igotupandtriedtorationalizewithmy

dick.

“Comeon.Wecandothis.Godown.”
Nothingwaschanging.Shecouldnotseemelikethis.
“Fuckingboner.Godown!”
Ipacedtheroom,continuingmyattempttoreasonwithit.
Seamuswasflappinghiswings.“Whatareyoulookingat?Isupposeyouthinkthisis

funny.”

“HolyToledo!”
“Yeah.Fuckyou.”
IdecidedIhadnochoicebuttojumpintheupstairsshower.I’dhavetomakeupa

storyforthesuddenneedtobathe.“Skylar,Ijustshitmyselfwaitingforyoutocomeback
upstairs…”

ShewasstilldownstairswhenIturnedtheshowerontothecoldestsettingandgotin.

Itwasn’tworking,soIwarmedthewateranddidtheonlythingIcould.Iletmyselfthink
aboutundressingherandsuckingeveryounceofwateroffherbodyasIjerkedmyselfoffand
camealloverthetilewall.ItwasoneofthemostintenseorgasmsIhadevergivenmyself.

Idriedoffandnow,Iwasdefinitelyreadytogoback.She’dbeoutofthatwetuniform,

dressedinmybaggyclothes,andwe’dbegoodtogo.

WhenIreturnedtothebedroom,shewassittingbackonthebedholdingSeamus.She

hadbrushedthroughherwethairandstilllookedsofuckingbeautiful.Ilovedseeingherin
myt-shirt,eventhoughitlookedmorelikeadress.

“Youweretakingashower?”
“Yeah…um…sometimesIdothatintheafternoon.It’s…refreshing.”
Shelaughedwithalookofdisbelief.“Okay.That’sweird.”
Ichangedthesubject.“Youwanttodosomehomework?”
Itwasalmostfour.WherethehellwasDavey?
Weopenedourbooks,andImovedovertothedeskwhileSkylarlayonherstomach

onthebed.

Wefellintoanice,comfortablesilenceasaColdplaysongplayedfrommyiPoddock

onlowvolume.Despitemyobviousdiscomfortovermyphysicalattractiontoher,thesewere
reallythemomentsIlovedbestwithSkylar,justsittingaround,spendingquiettimetogether.

“Fuckingboner.Godown!”
SkylarhoppedupfromthebedandturnedtowardSeamus.“Whatwasthat?Whatdid

hejustsay?”

“Fuckingboner.Godown!”
Shit.Shit.Shit.
Itriedmybesttoplaydumb.“Idon’tknowwhathe’ssaying.”
“Itsoundslikehe’ssaying‘fuckingboner…godown?’”
“Yeah,that’swhatitsoundslike,doesn’tit?”
IknewIrepeatedthosewordsseveraltimeswhenSkylarwaschangingdownstairs.It

figuredSeamuswouldtakethisopportunitytosuddenlyregainhisabilitytomimicjustsohe
couldscrewmeover.

Shecoveredhermouthinlaughter.“Thatisnuts.He’ssounpredictablelately.”She

walkedovertothecageandtookSeamusout.Heflappedhiswingsandturnedhishead
slowlytowardme,inhisownsilentwaytellingmeto“fuckoff.”

Ilaughedalongwithher,butreally,Iwantedtohideinthecloset.Shewassmartand

knewdamnwellwherehemusthavelearnedhisnewphrase.

Myphonechimed.
“It’sDavey.He’sdownstairs.”
Iwelcomedtheopportunitytogetoutofthatroomforaminute.Todaywasdefinitely

notmyday.

“Yo,”hesaid,asheentered,carryingastackofbooksupthestairs.
Skylarwasstillplayingwiththebirdwhenwereturnedtomyroom.
“Hey,Davey.”
“Fuckingboner.Godown!”
“Hey,Skylar.Uh…”Helookedatme.“Whatthehelldidthatbirdjustsay?”
Ishookmyheadandglaredathiminasilentwarningnottopushit.Daveygavemea

knowingbutamusedlook.

SkylarreturnedSeamustohisperchinthecageandlaybackdownonmybed.“Are

youguyscold?”

“Notreally,”Isaid.
“Ihavethechillsforsomereason.IthinkI’mcomingdownwithsomething.Doyou

mindifIuseyourcovers?”

“Notatall.”
Mysheetsweregoingtosmelllikehertonight.
Thethreeofusopenedourbooksandquietlygottowork.Fromtimetotime,Iwould

lookupatSkylarinmybed.Shewasstillshivering.Daveyseemedtocatchmestaringather
atonepointandrolledhiseyes.Igavehimthefinger,andhedidn’treturnitlikeheusually
did.Hewouldgetbackatmelaterinhisownspecialway.

“WhenitcomestoSkylar,Ican’tfigureoutifyou’reHimerosorPothos,Mitch.”
“Saywhat?”
“I’mstudyingformyGreekmythologytest.WehavetomemorizesomeoftheGods.”
“Whatdoesthishavetodowithme?”
Hisdreadsflewaroundashejustlaughedhystericallyanddidn’tsayanything.
Skylarlookedupfromthebedbutdidn’tseemtooaffectedbythecomment.She

continuedtoshiver.

“Youokay?”Iasked.
“Notreally.I’mfeelingkindofachy.IthinkIhaveafever.Ishouldprobablygohome.”
“Letmewalkyou.”
Shetookoneofmycoats,andwewalkedacrossthestreet.Itwasalreadydark,and

lightsnowflakeswerestartingtofly.Wecouldseeourbreath.

Skylarcontinuedtoshiverassheknockedandrangthedoorbell.“She’dbetterbe

home.”

Tishansweredthedoor.“Igotyourtext.Youlostyourkeys?”
“IthinkIlefttheminmylocker.”
“Hey,Mitch.”
IwavedtoTishandfollowedSkylarinside.
“Iamnotfeelingwell,Mom.”
“What’swrong?”

“IthinkImightbegettingthefluorsomething.”
TishfeltSkylar’sforehead.“Youshouldgotosleepearlytonight.”
Shetookoffmycoatandhandeditbacktome.“Yougonnaheadback?”
“I’llhangoutforafewminutes.”
Forsomereason,Ijustdidn’twanttoleaveSkylar.Sherarelygotsick.Infact,I

couldn’trecallasingletimebeforethis.Ifollowedherintoherroom,andasshegotunder
hercovers,Isatattheedgeofherbedbyherfeet.

“YoushouldgetbacktoDavey.”
“Youkidding?He’sprobablyhavingafielddaysearchingmydrawersandraidingthe

fridge.He’llbefine.”

Herteethchatteredasshelaughed.
“DoyouhaveanyNyQuil?Thatshitwillknockyououtuntiltomorrow.”
“Oh,goodtoknow.I’llhavetobesuretotakesomewithmedowntoFloridafor

Oliver’swedding.”

“Youdecidedtogo?”
Sheclosedhereyesforamomentandsighed.“Ithinkso.”
“That’stherightdecision.Itsucks,anditmightgiveyouangina,butyou’llgetthrough

it.”

“Itmightgivemewhat?Vagina?”
“Angina!Mygrandmothersaysthatallofthetime.It’slikechestpainsorsomething.

Youhaveadirtymind,girl.”

“Youlovethataboutme,though.”
“You’reright.Ido.Nothinggetspastyou,andnothingbothersyou.Ilikenothavingto

walkoneggshellswhenItalktoyou.”Iplayfullysqueezedherfeet.

“Thatfeltgood.”
“What?”
“Whenyousqueezedmyfeetlikethat.”
“Youwantmetodoitagain?Giveyouafootrub?”
“No,Idon’twantafootrub…saidnooneever.”
“Okay.”Ilaughedandrepositionedbothofherfeetontomylap,squeezinghertoes

withbothofmyhandsinfirmpulses.

“Speakingofdirtymind…whatwasupwithourbirdtalkingaboutboners?”
“Ihavenoidea.”
“Yousureaboutthat?”
Myphonechimed.Savedbythebell.Maybenot.
Stopgoingdownonherandgetbackhereandmakemeasandwich.
“Fuckin’Davey.”
“What?Whatdoesitsay?”
“Ican’ttellyou.It’s—”
“Aboutus?”Sheputherheaddownforabitthenlookedstraightintomyeyes.“You

toldhimwekissed,didn’tyou?”

Istoppedrubbingherfeet,andmyheartwaspounding.“Yeah.”
“ItoldAngie.Ihadtotalkaboutitwithsomeonebecauseweweren’ttalkingaboutit.

Youknow?”

Iswallowed,unpreparedtodiscussthis.“Yeah,Iknow.”
Sheheldoutherhand.“Showmethetext.”
Ilaughednervously.“No.”

“Showittome.”
Mytonewasseriousnow.“No,Skylar.”
Shegotupfromunderthecoversandgrabbedmyphone.Shewassickandshouldn’t

havebeenexertingherself.Iknewshewouldn’tbackdown,soIdidn’tfighther.

Fuck.
Shereaditandrolledhereyes.
“I’msorryhe’sbeingadick,”Isaid.
“Youthinkthatbothersme?”
“No…butit’sdisrespectful.”
“Idon’tcarewhatanybodythinks.Ijustcareaboutyou.DidyouforgetthatIcan

sensewhatcertainpeoplearefeeling?Withyou,it’sstrongerthanmost,alwayshasbeen.
Youthinkyou’rehidingstufffromme,butyou’renot,notearliertodayinyourroom,notany
day.HimerosandPothos…”

“What?”
“TheGreekGodsDaveywasstudyingthathesaidremindedhimofyou.”
“Yeah…whataboutthem?”
“Istudiedthem,too.HimerosistheGodofdesireandunrequitedlove.Pothosisthe

Godofyearningandwanting.”

Shit.
Iletoutalong,shakybreath.“Oh.”
“Washeright?WereyoujusttryingtostickittoAidanwiththatkiss,ordoyoureally

wantme?Pleasebehonest.”

Hereyesweresearingintomine,andIfeltlikeshecouldseerightthroughme.Ifthat

werethecase,thensheknewIwantedhermorethananythinginmyentirelife.Therewas
nopointinlying.Imaynevermusterupthecouragetomakegoodonmyfeelings,butI
couldn’tlookherintheeyesanymoreanddenywhatwaspainfullyobvious.Ilookeddown
foramoment,andmytensehandsformedintofistswhenIwhisperedit.“Fuckyes…Iwant
you.”

Itfeltgoodtofinallyadmititoutloud.
Iwassweating,butshewasstillshiveringwhenIlookedupather.Herlipsspread

openintoaslight,sympatheticsmile.Ittookeveryounceofstrengthinmenottocoverher
coldbodywithmine.

“Thankyouforbeinghonest.”
Inodded,unabletotakemyeyesoffhernow.“It’sthetruth.”
Sheadjustedtheblanketsoverherselfandsatupwhenshesaid,“I’lltalkaboutalmost

anything,butit’snoteasyformetotalkaboutmyfeelingsforyoubecausegettingrejectedby
youisabouttheonlythingthatcoulddestroymypride.Butyoumeanmoretomethanmy
pride,moretomethanprobablyanyoneeverhas.Idon’twanttolosemomentswithyou.I
don’twantyoutopushmeawaylikeyouhavebeenbecauseyou’reafraid.Ineedyoutoknow
thatifwescrewupandfail,nomatterwhathappens,youwon’tloseme,okay?I’llalwaysbe
here.”

Hearinghersaythatmeanteverything.Now,Ihadtoworkonbelievingit.
“Okay.”
“I’mgoingtogotosleep.”
Ileftherbedroominadaze.
HerscentwasallovermybeddingthatnightasIplayedherwordsinmyheadover

andoveragain.

Overthenextseveralmonths,thatconversationinSkylar’sbedroomwouldhauntme.

Idon’twanttolosemomentswithyou.I’llalwaysbehere.

Iwonderedifshesensedsomethingthatday,becauseIcouldhaveneverpredicted

thatthepossibilityoflosingSkylarwouldtakeonawholenewmeaning.

CHAPTER9

SKYLAR

Iperusedmyclosetforjusttherightoutfit.Eventhoughitwasn’ttechnicallyadate,

Mitchhadaskedmetogotothemovieswithhim,anditwouldbejustthetwoofus.There
wasanewAdamSandlerflickhereallywantedtosee,andhe’dbedrivingusthereinJanis’
Accord.

ItwasaSaturdaynight,butMitchhadn’tbeengoingoutondateswiththegirlsfrom

schoollately.Weneverdiscussedwhy.Itwasobviousthathe’dbeenmakingexcusesoverthe
pastfewweekstohangoutwithmeonweekends,too.Normally,westayedinwithAngieand
CodyorwithDavey.TonightwouldbethefirstinawhilewhereMitchandIweregoingout
somewheretogetheralone.

Iwasnervous,notforthemoviebutforwhatwouldbehappeningwhenwegothome.
Iputonapairofdarkjeansandaflowy,yellowtunicthathadgoldsequinsonthe

neckline.Iblewmyhairoutpin-straightandsprayedonsomeofmymother’sexpensiveJean
PaulGaultierperfume.Whatthehell,I’dputonsomeheavyeyemake-upandgoallout.He
neededtorememberwhatIlookedliketonight.

IthadbeenaboutsixweekssincethenightinmyroomwhenMitchadmittedhe

wantedmewhileIwasholedupinbedwithafever.Inthedaysthatfollowed,Ihad
continuedtofeeloff-kilterphysically.Somedays,thefeverreturnedandotherdays,Ijustfelt
lethargic.

Mymotherfinallyconvincedmetogotothedoctoracoupleofweeksago.My

assumptionwasthatDr.Steinwouldsendmehomewithaprescriptionforantibiotics,and
thatwouldbetheendofit.

Thedoorbellrang,startlingmeoutofmythoughts.
“Skylar!Mitchishere,”mymotheryelledfromdownstairs.
“Tellhimtocomeupstairs!”
Whenthedooropened,mybreathhitchedatthesightofhim.Hishairwaswet,

perfectlywavywithaloosepiecefallingoverhisforehead.Hewasmoredressed-upthanI
hadeverseenhim,wearinganavysweaterunderablack,wooljacket.Hesmelledlike
heaven:amixtureofmusk,showerwashandmasculinity.Thesweaterhuggedhismuscular
frame,whichwasmoresculptedlately.Hehadjustturnedseventeen,lookinglesslikeaboy
andmorelikeamaneveryday.

Heswallowed.“Skylar…youlook—”
“Iknow.Iworkedhardatit.Idamnwellbetterlookgood.”
“Betterthangood.Iwasgonnasay…beautiful.”
Myheartfluttered.Itookadeepbreath,inhalinghim.Hehadn’tevercalledme

beautifulbefore.Itshouldhavefeltgood,butinstead,itfeltlikesomeonehadpunchedmein
thegut.

“Thankyou.”
“You’rewelcome.”
Mitchcontinuedtostandinthedoorway.Itwasquietexceptforthenoiseofmy

radiatorwhentheheatturnedon.Whenhiseyeswandereddownthelengthofmybody,it
feltlikeIcouldfeelhimonme.Mynippleshardened.Ididn’tknowwhetherthiswas

technicallyadate,buttonightfeltdifferentinmorewaysthanone.

Iheldupmynecklace.“Willyouhelpmeputthison?”
Heapproachedmeandtookitfrommyhands.Iliftedmyhair,andhereachedhis

armsovermeandconnectedthelobsterclasp.Mitch’shandslingeredonmyshoulders
beforehegavethemalightsqueeze,andhisbreathwarmedthebackofmyneck.

Iclosedmyeyesandbreathedinhisscentbeforeturningaroundtofindhisblueeyes,

steelyandstriking,staringbackatme.Helickedhislipsandseemedanxious.Aboutwhat,I
couldn’tbesure.

Itshatteredmebecausehehadnoideawhatwasgoingtobehappeningtonight.
“Readytogo?”heasked.
“Yeah.”
MitchplayedMetallicaaswedrovethefewmilestothemovietheater,whichwas

packed.

Heheldthedoorformeandwinked,speakinginafauxBritishaccent.“Afteryou,my

lady.”

“Why,thankyou.”Ismiled.Hedidn’tknowthathisattemptatcharminthatmoment

hadalmostmademecry.Hedidn’trealizehowbadlyIwastryingtoholdittogether.

“Youwantsomethingtoeat?”
“No,I’mnothungryatall.”
Heexaminedmyface.“You’llregretthatdecisionwhenyouseemeeating.I’llget

something,andifyouchangeyourmind,youcanhavesomeofmine.”

“Okay.”Iforcedanothersmile.
Theshowwasnearlysoldout,andwestruggledtofindtwoseatstogether.We

managedtosnagsomewayintheback.

Thelightsdimmed,andafeelingofdreadcameoverme.
Aboutfifteenminutesintothemovie,IcouldfeelMitch’seyesonme.Mybody

quiveredwhenhesuddenlymovedcloserandwhisperedinmyear,“Iseverythingokay?”

HowdidIeverthinkIcouldmakeitthroughthismovie?
Inodded,tryingtofighttheteardropsforminginmyeyes.“Yeah.”
Icouldfeelhishotbreathinmyearagain.“Youhaven’tbeenlaughingatanything.Are

younotlikingit?”

“I’msorry.”
Hesqueezedmyleg.“Don’tbesorry.Ijustwantyoutohaveagoodtime.”Thesmile

hegavemeafterhesaiditmademefeellikemyheartwasbeingrippedout.HehadnoclueI
wasabouttoriphisout,too.

Whenherepositionedhimselfawayfromme,Ilongedforhimtosaysomethingelse

justsoIcouldfeelhisbreathonmyskin.Ineededhim.AllIwantedwastobewithhim
tonight,butthiswasthewrongplace.

Mymindwassomeplaceelseentirelyamidstthemuffledsoundsoflaughterinthe

theater.Myheartstartedtobeatfaster,andbeadsofsweatformedonmyforehead.

Henoticedmefidgeting.Iflinchedwhenhiswarmhandlandedonmyown,whichwas

nowshaking.WhenIturnedtolookathisconcernedface—mysweetMitch—thefirst
teardropfellfrommyeye.

Iwanttoseeyougrowintoaman.
Iloveyou,Mitch.
I’mscared.
Hisexpressiondarkened.HischestwasrisingandfallingwhenherealizedIwas

crying.Themovieseemedtofadeintothedistanceashelookedatmealarmed.

Hesqueezedmyhandandnudgedmeupoutoftheseat,pummelinghisfullpopcorn

totheground.Webrushedpastthelegsoftheotherpeopleinourrowaswemadeourexit.
Heledmeoutofthedarktheaterintothebrightlightsofthevestibule,whichwasemptyof
patrons.Ilookeddownattheredcarpet.WhenIlookedupintohisterrifiedeyesinthe
fluorescentlight,mytearscameonfullforce.

Iburiedmyfaceinhisneck,andMitchpulledmecloserintohim.Hisheartwas

beatingamileaminuteontomychest.

Itwasn’tsupposedtohappenherelikethis.Ijustwantedacoupleofnormalhours

hangingoutwithmybestfriend.Wasthattoomuchtoask?Ithoughtofallthemoments
withhimIhadtakenforgranted.

“Skylar,you’rescaringme.Please…it’sokay.Pleasetellmewhattodo.Justtellme

whattodo.What’swrong?”

Mytearshadsoakedthroughhissweater.
Heknewnothing.Ihadn’ttoldhimanythingatallthatcouldhavepreparedhimfor

this.Ididn’tknowwheretobegin.Thiswasgoingtocrushhim,andIcouldn’tbearit.

“Canyoujusttakemehome?”
“No.Notuntilyoutellmewhat’sgoingon.”
“Ican’t…nothere.”
“DidIdosomethingtoupsetyou?”
Ipulledbackandtouchedhischeek.“No,ofcoursenot.”
Hetookmyhandsinhis.“Youknowyoucantellmeanything,right?”
Inoddedthroughmytears.
Hecontinued,“IthinkIknowwhatthisisallabout.”
“What?”
DidmymothertellJanis?
Heliftedmyhandstohismouthandkissedthem.“I’vebeenafuckingfool,Skylar…

messingwithyourmind.”

“Um—”
Heinterruptedme.“Letmetalk.Thisisn’teasyforme,okay?”
Mystomachfell.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Iamtryingtotellyou…thatIthink…weshouldtrybeingmorethanfriends.Ithought

alotaboutwhatyousaidthatnightinyourroom,howyouwouldalwaysbeinmylifeno
matterwhat.Youhitthenailonthehead.I’vejustbeenscaredtoloseyou.Butmoreand
more,Iwanttotryit.Iwanttotry…everything…experienceeverythingwithyou.Ican’t…stop
thinkingaboutit.”

Thiscouldn’tbehappeningtonight.Icouldn’tfindthewords.
Thelookinhiseyesbrokemyheartwhenhesaid,“Ijustpouredmyheartouttoyou.

Saysomething…please.”

Theroomstartedtospin,andIgrabbedontohimforsupport.“Ihavecancer.”

CHAPTER10

MITCH

Therearesomemomentsinlifethatyoujustknowyouwillneverbeabletoerase

frommemorynomatterhowhardyoutry.

Themomentthatthegirlthatmeantmoretomethananythingutteredthosethree

wordswasoneofthem.

Atfirst,itjustdidn’tcompute.Mynerveswerestillreelingfrombuildingupthe

couragetotellherIwantedtobemorethanfriends.IhadbeenpracticingwhatIwouldsay
fordaysandwasplanningtotalktoherlatertonight.

So,thiswasanabsoluteshock.
WhenIdidn’trespond,sheloweredhervoiceandrepeated,“Ihavecancer,Mitch.”
Myhandswereonhershouldersandstartedtoshake,mybodyunsureofhowtoreact.

“Whatdoyoumean?Imean…how…howdidthishappen?”

“YouknowIhadn’tbeenfeelingwell…”
“Yeah…butthatwasweeksago.Youwenttothedoctor.Youwerefeelingbetter.”
Shebrieflyclosedhereyesthenlookedupatme.“Idid,butInevertoldyouwhat

happenedbecauseIdidn’twanttoscareyouuntilIknewwhatIwasfacing.Whenhe
examinedme,hefoundalumpinmyneckandaskedmehowlongI’dhadit.Itoldhimithad
beenthereforawhile.Ineverthoughtanythingofitbecauseitwasn’tpainful.Hechecked
therestofmybodyandfoundanotheroneinmygroinarea.Hetoldmenottoworrybutthat
hewouldbeorderingsomebloodtestsjusttobesureeverythingwasokay.”Shelooked
down,andtearsreturnedtohereyes.“Ihadn’teventakenmymotherwithmethatday.”

Mystomachbegantoturn,madeworsebythesmellofgreasypopcorn,andIfelt

somethingsourrisinginmythroat.

Youwillnotdothis.Youwillbestrongforherifit’sthelastthingyoudo.
Iwipedhereyeswithmyfingertips.“Takeyourtime,butIneedyoutotellme

everything.”

Shenoddedthroughhertearsandsniffled.“Thebloodtestcamebackabnormal,soI

hadtogobackforanMRI.”

Ibreathedinandout,gearingupforwhatshewouldsaynextandtookherhands,

wrappingherfingersinmine.Theywerefreezing.“Okay…”

“Theimagesalsoshowedabnormalities.Ididn’ttellyou,butinsteadofgoingtomy

Dad’sthatoneweekend,Ihadminorsurgerytoremovepartsofthelymphnodes,sothey
couldtestthem.”

Thethoughtofanythingcuttingintohermademecringe.“And?”
“Theyfoundabnormalcellsinthem.”
MyheartwasbeatingfasterthanIcouldeverremember.Mybodytensedandfeltlike

itwasshuttingdownandgearingupforwaratthesametime.“They’resure…thatmeansit’s
cancer?”

“TheytoldmeIhaveHodgkinsLymphoma.”
Assoonasshesaidit,thedoortoanearbytheaterburstopenandloud,laughing

peoplecamefloodingout.Iwantedtokilleachandeveryoneofthem.Shewasstilltalking,
butmyearswerethrobbing,anditfeltlikeshewasfarawayeventhoughherhandswerestill

inmine.

“Stagethree…”
“TheysaidIhavetohavechemoandmayberadiation…”
“I’mgoingtolosemyhair,Mitch.I’msoscared.”
Myheadfeltlikeitwasgoingtoexplode,andmyheartwasslammingagainstmy

chest.Ineededair.

“Weneedtogetoutofhere.”Iledheroutofthetheaterintotheparkinglot.Itwas

freezingout,andIcouldseemybreath.Isuddenlystoppedwalking,turnedtoherand
franticallyfastenedeachbuttonofhercoat.“It’scold.”

ShemusthaveseenthatIwaslosingit.Sheclaspedmyhandstostopmefrom

fumblingformorebuttonswhenthereweren’tanyleft.“Mitch?”

Ilookedintohereyes,shookmyheadindisbeliefthenpulledherintome,holding

ontoherfordearlife.Westayedthereinthemiddleoftheparkinglotforminutesonend.
Mynosewasinherhair,smellingeveryinchofit,thinkingaboutwhatshehadtoldme,that
shewasgoingtoloseallofit.Thisdidn’tseemreal.Myeyesstartedtosting.

Youwillnotcry.She’sfine.She’sinyourarms.
ItfeltlikeadreamIcouldn’twakeupfrom.
Whenwereturnedtothecar,wesatandletitidlewiththeheaton.AGreatBig

World’sSaySomethingcameontheradio.Thatsongisdepressingundernormal
circumstances,andIcouldn’tbeartohearit,soIshutitoff.

Istaredblanklyataswarmofpeoplewhojustconvergedupontheparkinglot,their

distantlaughterpiercingmelikeaknife.Herhandwasinmine,andIrubbedoveritgently
withmythumb.Amillionthoughtswentthroughmyhead,buttheyallledtothesame
conclusion:Ihadtobestrongforher.Ihadtotakecareofher.

Skylarbrokemytrance.“There’sonemorething.”
Mybodytensed.Whatelsecouldtherepossiblybe?
Shecontinued,“Myparentsdiscussedit,andtheydecidedthatit’sbestifIgettreated

inNewYork.Mymotherwouldloseherjobifshehadtotakemetoappointmentsand
everythinghere.Shecan’taffordthat,andwewouldlosethehouse.BecauseOliverworks
fromhomeandmakeshisownhours,theythinkit’sbetterifIlivewithhimandLizete.He’ll
takecareofmewhileI’mundergoingchemo.Momwillcomeouteveryweekend.”

“That’sthreehoursaway.”
“Iknow,butit’stheonlywaythatmakessense.”
Myeyeballsmovedfromsidetosidetryingtothinkofasolution,anythingthatcould

stopherfromleaving.“Stayhere.I’lltakeyoutoyourappointments.I’lltakecareofyou.”

“Howcanyoudothatwithschool?”
“I’llfuckingdropout.Nothingismoreimportantthanyou.”
“Iwouldneverletyoudothat.Never.That’snotanoption.Iwouldn’tbeabletolive

withthatguilt.”

Iwouldn’tbeabletolivewithout…you.
“Well,thinkingaboutyougoingthroughallthatsofarawayfrommewhereIcan’tbe

thereforyou…isnotanoptionforme.”

“It’llbeokay.Thisisn’tupfornegotiation.Ithastobethisway.”
Herbodyshookfromthecold,soIblastedtheheat.
TherealityofthefactthatIwouldn’tbeabletostopherfromleavingsetin.“I’m

comingtoBrooklyneveryweekend,then.Whendoesitallstart?”

“Aweekfromtomorrow.”

No.

***

Thedrivehomewasablur.IbarelyrememberedwalkingSkylarfromthecartoher

houseorwhatwesaidtoeachotherbeforeIendedupstandingaloneinthemiddleofour
quietstreet.Itwasfreezing,andmytoesfeltnumbfromthehardsnowcrunchingundermy
feet.

Lackingeventheenergytoopenmyfrontdoor,Ilookedupatthedarkskywithan

angerI’dneverexperiencedbefore,wonderinghowGodcouldhaveallowedthistohappento
her.

Iwilledthefrigidairtotakethepainaway.Please.
WhenIfinallywalkedintothehouse,mymotherimmediatelyloweredthevolumeon

theeveningnews,thelookofconcernonherfacerevealingthatsheknewexactlywhathad
happenedtonight.

Iwastooexhaustedtospeakanylouderthanawhisper.“Youknew?”
Shelookedatmewithtearsinhereyesbutdidn’tsayanything.
Irepeated,“Mom?Youknewaboutthis?”
“Onlyforacoupleofdays.Shewantedtotellyouherself,Mitch.Shehadeveryrightto

dothat.”

Itfeltlikemyheadwasburningup.Suddenly,Iscreamedatthetopofmylungs.“How

thefuckcouldyoukeepthisfromme?”

“I’msorry.IpromisedTish!”
I’dneverspokenlikethattomymotherbeforeandimmediatelyregrettedit.“Ineedto

bealone.”Istormedpasther,andshepretendednottonoticeasIopenedtheliquorcabinet
andtookasmallbottleofvodkatomyroom.

Itwasgoingtobealongroadahead,andalcoholwouldn’tsolveit,butforonenight,I

justneededtoforget.

***

Thenextmorning,Iforcedmyselfoutofbedwithamassivehangoverandvowedto

makeeverysingleminuteofthisweekcount.Iwantedtotakehertoallherfavoriteplaces
liketheCheesecakeFactoryandthebutterflymuseum.Sherefusedallofit,sayingshe
wantedtojustspendtimehangingoutathomewithme.

Twoofthedays,DaveyandAngiejoinedusfordinneratSkylar’shouse.Ourmoms

cookedupallofherfavorites:homemadepizza,sloppyjoesandfettucciniAlfredo.Itwaslike
apartyeverynight,butSkylarbarelytouchedanyofthefood.

Wewereallputtingonabraveface,tryingtoactasnormalaspossible:Daveywithhis

crudejokesandAngietakingphotos.

OnthefinalnightbeforeSkylarhadtoleave,Angiewasbeingparticularlyannoying

withthecamera,tellingustopose,whichshenormallydidn’tdo.Ihadpulledherasideand
askedaspolitelyaspossibleifshecouldlayofftheclickingforonenight.ShetoldmeSkylar
hadspecificallyrequestedshebringthecameratonightandtakepicturesofallofus,
particularlyofherandme.ThatwasunlikeSkylartowantherpicturetaken.

Fortherestofthatevening,IkeptobsessingaboutwhatAngietoldmeuntilIcameto

aconclusionthatIjustcouldn’taccept:Skylarwantedherpicturetakenbecauseshethought
therewasachanceshewouldn’tbecomingback.

Mychesttightenedinagony,andIfilledwithasilentrage,havingtoexcusemyselfto

thebathroom.Shecouldn’tpossiblymakeitthroughthenextfewmonthsifthatwaswhat
shewasthinking.Ineededtotalktoher.

Atonepoint,shesaidshehadtogoupstairstogetsomething.Whenshedidn’tcome

backdownrightaway,Ifollowedher.

ShejumpedwhenIstartledherasIenteredthebedroom.MyheartfellwhenInoticed

tearsinhereyes.Shehadcomeupheretocryalone.

Iranovertothebedandheldherinmyarms.Myeyeswerewatering,butIfoughtlike

helltokeepthetearsfromfalling.

Doyourjob,Mitch.Beherrock.
“Listentome,Skylar.Youneedtokeepyourheadupnomatterhowharditgets.

There’spowerinpositivethinking.Ifthetwoofusdoit,that’sdoublethepower.Youhaveto
believethateverythingisgoingtobeokay.Imean,youhavetotrulybelieveit,anditwill
happen.”

Shewipedherredeyesonmyshirt.“Whatifyou’rewrong?WhatifInevercome

home?”

“Questionsthatbeginwith‘whatif’arebasedonfear,nothingelse.You’rescared,but

youhavetohavefaiththatGodwon’tletthathappen.”

“Howdoyouknowthere’saGod?”
IknewhowIwantedtoanswerthatbutstoppedtothinkaboutthebestwaytoexplain

ittoher.“Becauseonce,whenIwasalittleboy,Ifelthopeless,likemyworldwasending.I
prayedhardonenightandaskedhimtosendmeasignthathewaslistening.”

“Whathappened?”
“Theverynextday,Imetyouforthefirsttime.”
Iknewshecouldseethetearsnowburningmyeyes,butIstillwouldn’tletthemfall.

Shegavemeachastekissonthelipsandsaid,“Andhesentyoutome.”

Igrabbedherface.“Hecan’ttakeyouawayfrommebecauseourstory’snotfinished.”
Sheputherforeheadonmine.“Tobecontinued.”
“Tobecontinued,”Isaidoverherlips.
“Canyoudomeafavor?”sheasked.
“Anything.”
“CanyoutellDaveyandAngieI’mverysorrybutthatIjustwanttobealoneforthe

restofthenight?”

“Absolutely.”
“Then,whenthey’regone,comeback.Spendthenightwithme.”
Ilookedatherindisbelief.“What?”
“Notlikethat.Ijustwantyoutosleepnexttometonight.Idon’twanttobealone.

Please.”

“Ofcourse,Iwill.Mymotherwouldbeokaywithit,Ithink,butIdon’tseeTish

allowingit.”

“I’lltalktoher.Aftertheyleave,justgohome,getyourpajamasandcomeback.”
Iranmyhandthroughherhair,tuckingsomestrandsbehindherear.“Okay.”

***

WhenIreturnedtoSkylar’sthatnight,Tishletmein.Shewasnormallyextremely

strictandwouldhaveneverallowedmetosleepinherdaughter’sroomunderanyother
circumstances.So,IhadtomakesureSkylarhadcleareditwithher.“Areyousurethisis
okay?”

Shetookasipofherwineandnodded.“Itrustyou.”
Mychesttightened,unsureIcouldeventrustmyself100-percent.“Thankyou.”
BeforeIturnedtogoupstairs,forthefirsttime,Tishcriedinfrontofme.“I’vetried

everything,Mitch,triedeverythingtomakehersmilethisweek,tokeepherhopesup.Allshe
wantsisyou.Sheneedstofeelsafetonight.Iknowyouneedthat,too.Thishasbeentough
foryou,too.Thatbeingsaid,Iknowyouwon’tdoanythingstupid.”Icouldn’ttellifitwasa
statementorawarning.

Withthat,shewatchedmewalkuptoherdaughter’sroom,trustingthatIwouldn’t

takeadvantageoftherareopportunitygiftedtous.

Therewasonesmalllampon,andSkylarhadbeenreadingabook.Exceptforaposter

onherclosetdoorofoneofthosestupidboybandsthatwasafewyearsold,herroomwasn’t
girlyatall.Itwasmostlygrayandwhite,nomuss,nofussandclassyjustlikeshewas.

Sheplacedherbookonthenightstandwhenshenoticedme.“Hey.”
“Hey.”IwalkedtowardthebedunsurewhetherIwassupposedtojustplantmyself

underthecovers.Idecidedtoholdmyhorsesandsatattheedge.Shewaswearingapink,
cottonsleepshirt.

Shegrinned.“Itoldyouthiswouldbeokay.”
“Ihavetoadmit,Iwasn’texpectingyourmothertogoforthis.”
“You’dbesurprisedwhatyoucangetawaywithwhenyouhavecancer.”
Shewasbeingfunny,butanytimetheCwordwasspokenaloud,Ifeltsick.
Itriedtomakeajoke.“WannagorobaDairyQueen,then?”
Shelaughed.“Ilikeyourpajamas.”
Ihadwornplaid,flannelbottomsandat-shirtthatDaveygavemeforChristmaslast

yearthatsaid,TellYourBoobsToStopStaringatMyEyes.Isupposeitwouldhavebeen
funnierifIweren’tactuallytryingtofigureoutwhetherornotshewaswearingabra.I
scoldedmyselfforeventhinkingaboutthatatatimelikethis,butIcouldn’thelpit.She
lookedsobeautiful.

Ihadn’tmovedfrommyspot.“Itfeelsweirdbeingabletosleephere.Ialmostdon’t

evenknowwhattodowithmyself.”

“Youcanstartbygettingunderthecoverswithme.”Shepulledherblanketsoff,andI

crawledinnexttoher,restingmyheadonhershoulder.Shesmelledlikeshampooand
freshly-showeredskin.TherewasnoplaceintheworldI’dhaveratherbeen.

“Thisfeelsnice,”Isaidintothecrookofherarm.“Whatwereyoureading?”
Shegiggled.“Justtryingtogetmymindoffofthings.Youdon’treallywanttoknow.”
“Yes,Ido.”
“Trustme…youdon’t.”
“Now,Ireallywanttoknow.”
“Okay,then.”Shereachedovertohernightstandandhandedmeapaperbackthathad

ashirtlessguyonthecover.Therewasablindfoldedwomanwrappedaroundhistorso.

Well,shit.
“SkylarSeymour…doesyourmotherknowyoureadthisstuff?”
Shegrinnedimpishly.“Istoleitfromherroom.”
“You’reabadgirl.Itsaysrighthereonthebackthatit’snotsuitableforpeopleunder

theageof18.”

Shesnatcheditfromme.“I’malmost16,samedifference.”
“Notexactly,butIwon’ttell.Actually,Ikindoflikeit.”
“Likeyoudon’thavestuffthat’sworsethanthislyingaround?”
“Nocomment.”
“That’swhatIthought.”
Webothlaughedthenfellintoacomfortablesilencebeforesheabruptlyshutthelamp

offandlaydownonherleftside,facingawayfromme.

Iturnedinherdirectionandwrappedherinmyarms,breathingagainstherback.I

wastense,afraidofgettingahard-on,whichIknewwasinevitable.Myheartstartedtorace,
filledwithsomanyemotions.Goingagainstmyownadvicetoher,Ibecamefilledwith
worry,scaredfortomorrow,albeitimmeasurablygratefulfortonight.Ontopofallthose
emotions,mycocktwitched,whichreallycouldn’tbehelpedaslongasherbodywasagainst
mine.

Afterafewminutes,sheturnedaround,andourfaceswerejustinchesapart.“Icould

feelyourheartbeat.Whatwereyouthinkingabout?”shewhispered.

“Don’tyoualwaysknowwhatI’mthinking?”
Shetappedmyhead.“There’stoomuchgoingonintheretonighttofigureitout.My

signalsarecrossed.”Sheputmyhandoverherchest.“Feelmine.”

Herheartwasbeatingjustasfast.Whensheslidmyhandoff,itbrushedalonghersoft

breast.Iknewnowthatshedefinitelydidn’twearabratosleep,andmydickrosetoconfirm
it.

“Areyouokay?”Iasked.
“Iam,nowthatyou’rehere.”
HearinghersaythatmademystomachunsettledbecauseIknewthattomorrow,I

wouldn’tbe.“Tellmewhat’sgoingoninthatprettylittlehead.”

Shetookadeepbreath.“Itchangesbytheminute,butrightnow,it’sthatIjustwishI

knewwhattoexpectwiththechemo.Thedoctorsayseveryonetakestoitdifferently.Icould
getreallysick,orIcouldbejustfine.Thereisnowaytoknow.”

“You’rethestrongestpersonI’veevermet.Iknowyou’llbeabletohandleitevenifit’s

noteasy.Anytimeyoucan’t,ifI’mnotthere,Iwantyoutopickupthephone,andI’llstayon
withyouforaslongasyouneedmeto.Promisemethatyou’llcallmeanytimeyouneedme,
dayornight.”

Shewasstilllostinthoughtwhenshesaid,“Okay.”
Iwastryingtobestrong,butdeepdown,Iwasscaredshitless.
Asidefromtheoccasionalsoundofacarpassingby,theroomwascompletelyquiet.

Wecontinuedtofaceeachother.Iwantedtokisshersobadlybutdidn’tknowwherethat
wouldlead.Shewasn’twearingabraorpantsunderherlongshirt.IknewifIstarted
something,Iwouldn’tbeabletostop.Tishhadsaidshetrustedme,andIcouldn’tbetray
that.Nottomention,nowwouldnotbethetimetopushthingswithSkylar.

Sheranherfingersthroughmyhair.“I’msorrythatIruinedwhatcouldhavebeen

suchaspecialmoment.”

Ibrushedmyhandagainsthercheek.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“ThenightItoldyouIhadcancer.Youwereopeninguptome.Youtoldmeyou

wantedtotakethenextstep.”

“Don’tworryaboutthat.I’mnotgoinganywhere.Assoonasyoumakeitthroughthis,

wecanpickupwhereweleftoff.”Whenherworriedeyestraileddownward,Ipulledherface
towardme.“Lookatme.I’mnotgoinganywhere,Skylar.”

“Whatareweanyway,Mitch?You’renotmyboyfriend.Icallyoumyfriend,butitfeels

likesomuchmore.What’sthedefinition?Andwithwhat’sabouttohappentome,whatcanI
possiblybetoyounow?”

Therewasonlyoneanswerthatmadethemostsensetome.“Everything.You’re…

everythingtome.”

Insteadofresponding,sheturnedbackaroundfacingawayandbackedintometo

spoonher.Thistime,Iallowedmyselftofullyrelax.Unfortunately,withherassupagainst
me,thatmeantmydickgrewtofullattention.Igentlybrushedmythumbalongherside.
Beingwithherlikethis,wasthemostintimatethingIhadeverdonewithanyone.Sure,I’d
beenwithgirls,butallofitpaledincomparisontothismoment,justholdingSkylar,
drowningouttheworld.

TheonlythingIknewforsureinlifewasthatIlovedthisgirl,butIcouldn’ttellher

now.ShewouldthinkitwasonlybecauseshehadcancerwhenthetruthwasI’dbeeninlove
withherforalmosttheentiretimeI’dknownher.Icouldn’tletherbelieveIwasonlysaying
itnowoutoffear.

Myhandrandownthelengthofhertorso.Realizationcameinwaves,andwhenithit

methistime,itwaslikeatonofbricks:therewasacancergrowinginsideofthislittle,
perfectbody,acancerthatifleftuntreated,wasatickingtimebombthatwouldlikelykillher.

Igrabbedaholdofhertighterandfelttearsstingmyeyes.Pleasestop.Therewas

nowhereIcouldrunifIstartedtoloseit.

Then,Iheardhervoicesolowitwasalmostinaudible.“It’sokaytocry.”
Ishutmyeyes,willingthetearsaway,butsheknew.Shecouldfeelit.
“I’mnotcrying,”Isaidasthefirstteardropfell.
Sheturnedaround.“Yeah,andyou’renothard,either.”
Webothburstintolaughterwithtearspouringfromoureyes.
Skylarfellasleepinmyarmsaboutfifteenminuteslater.
Ididn’tsleepatallthatnight.Ichosetostayupandlistentothesoundofher

breathinginstead,eachbreathreassurancethatshewasstillhere,thateverythingwasgoing
tobefine.

Ithadtobe.
IwatchedthesunbegintoriseonadayIwishedwouldnevercome.Then,forthefirst

timesincethelittlegirlinbraidscameintomylife,IprayedtoaGodIhopedwasstill
listening.

CHAPTER11

SKYLAR

“Justdoit.”
Lizeteheldmyfather’selectricshaverbutwasrefusingtoturniton.Mynew

stepmotherwastheperfectpersonforthisjob.Weweren’tcloseenoughforittoreallyaffect
herlikeitwouldmymother,andIcouldn’tbeartodoitmyself.So,afewdaysaftermyhair
startedfallingoutinchunks,Iaskedhertomeetmeinthebathroom.

“Areyousureyouwanttodothis?”
“Yes,”Isaid,staringblanklyatmyfather’soutdatedpinkbathroomtile.
“Butyoustillhavealotofhair.”
“It’sonlyamatterofdays.Thisway,Icancontrolit.”
Shenodded.“Okay,m’ija,whateveryouwant.”Ihatedhernicknameforme,the

Spanishwordfordaughter.Iwasn’therdaughter.Ihadtogivehercredit,though.Whenshe
marriedmyfather,shehadn’tsigneduptohaveasickteenagerlivingwiththem.Asmuchas
Iwantedtohateher,Icouldn’t.Shemadethebestdamnarrozconpollo,too.

Sheclickedabutton,triggeringthebuzzingsound.Isawnothingbutherbig,fake

boobsbeforeclosingmyeyesasthebladerakedovermyhead.Focusingonthesound,I
continuedtokeepmyeyesshutandtoldmyselfthiswasaboutpreservingmydignityand
beatingchemotothepunch.

It’sjusthair.
Afterafewminutes,adraftblewovermyhead,andIknewitwasallgone.
Whenthebuzzingstopped,Lizetegentlyplacedhercoldhandsonmyscalp.Istill

refusedtoopenmyeyes.“Canyougivemeaminutealone?”

Shepattedmyshoulders.“Sure,m’ija.Comedownstairswhenyou’reready,andI’ll

makeyousomethingtoeat.”

Iheardthedoorshut.
Ten,nine,eight,seven,six,five,four,three,two…two…two…one.
Iopenedmyeyes.Myheartskippedabeat.
It’sjusthair…untilit’sgone.
Icontinuedtostareintothemirror,hopingthatatanymoment,thesightofmyself

baldwouldgeteasiertoaccept.Nomatterhowmuchyoutrytoprepareyourselffor
something,youjustdon’tknowhowyou’llhandleituntilithappens.Now,IlookedlikeIhad
cancer,andtherealityofthatwashardtotake.Pretendingthateverythingwasnormalwould
nolongerbeanoption.

IcriedforthefirsttimesincearrivinginNewYorkovertwomonthsago.
Upuntilthismoment,nothinghadbeenunbearable.Ihadalreadycompletedthefirst

cycleofatypeofchemocalledABVD.Itsoundslikeasexuallytransmitteddisease,butthe
lettersrepresenteachofthefourdifferentdrugsintheregimen.Evengettingthosetoxins
pumpedintomehadn’tbeenasbadaslosingmyhair.

Actually,sofar,chemowasn’tasscaryasI’dimagined.Toavoidfrequentneedlesticks

inmyveins,thedrugswereadministeredrightthroughaportthatwasinsertedundermy
collarbone.

Thenursesalwaysdidtheirbesttocheermeupandtakemymindoffitwithouttrying

tomakeitseemlikeabedofroses.TheygavemewhatIneededwithoutfeedingmealoadof
bullshit.They’dhavesourcandiestohelpridthebadtasteinmymouthcausedbyoneofthe
drugs,Adriamycin.They’dalsoturnthetelevisionontotheentertainmentchannelforme.I
couldblockoutwhatwasactuallyhappeningbyinvolvingmyselfinrealitytelevisionand
wouldforeverassociatetreatmentwithwatchingtheKardashians.Khemo.

Myfatherwouldstaywithmeforthefullthreehours.Oncetheyadministeredallfour

drugs,they’dflushmyport,andIwasgoodtogohomewhereI’dtrytopretendIdidn’thave
canceruntilthenexttreatment.Forgettingwaseasierinthebeginning.

Irubbedmyfingersalongthetopofmypricklyheadnow,wonderinghowIwasgoing

tofaceMitchlookinglikethis.HewasscheduledtovisitoverChristmas,whichwascoming
upinlessthanaweek.Ihadn’tevenpickedoutawigyet.Iwasn’texpectingtolosemyhair
sofastsinceI’dmanagedtomakeitthroughtheentirefirstcyclewithnohairloss.Tohaveit
comeoutinchunksallofasuddenwasdevastatingbecauseIwasstartingtohopethatmaybe
I’dgetlucky.Now,LizeteandIhadplanstovisitawigshopinBensonhursttomorrow.

Shehadleftmeanassortmentofherhatstochoosefromonmybed.Ipickedagray,

knitberet,feelingimmediatereliefwhenIlookedintothemirrorafterputtingiton.

Myphonechimed.IgrabbeditfrommypocketandnoticedatextfromMitch.
Justthinkingofyou.Ican’twaittoseeyouthisweekend.Howareyou

doing?

IwantedtotellhimthatIwasmiserableandscaredaboutlettinghimseemewithout

hair,butIdidn’tseethepointinworryinghimwhenhewassofaraway.

Skylar:Doingokay.Howareyou?
Mitch:Imissyou.SodoesSeamus.HehatesmebecausehethinksI’m

keepingyouaway.

Skylar:Imissyoutoo.
Typingthosewordshadmademecryagain.Ilayonthebedstaringupatthetextured

paintontheceiling,lickingmytearsastheyfell.Imissedhim.Imissedhissmell.Imissed
home.Imissedmylifebeforecancer.

IhuggedmystuffedTiggertightly.Withpinkwallsandwhitefurniture,myroomat

myfather’shousewasgirlyandfilledwithmyoldstuffedanimals.Whenmyparentsfirstgot
divorced,Iusedtotakealotofmytoyswithmetofeelmoreathome,andmostofthemwere
stillhere.

IcouldsmellAdoboseasoning.Lizetewascookingsomething.
Shecalledfromdownstairs.“Skylar?”Icringedathowthe‘r’inmynamealwaysrolled

offhertongue.“Doyouneedanything?Lunchisalmostready.”

MyDadhadameetingandwouldn’tbehomeuntiltonight.IwishedIwerecompletely

alonesothatIdidn’thavetoworryabouthercatchingmecrying.

Iwipedmyeyesandyelled,“Everything’sfine.I’mgonnastayuphereforawhileand

rest.”

Itwasgettingdarkout.Ishutoffthelighttotakeanap,anditwasnearlypitchblack

inmyroom.

Whenmyphonerang,Ialmostdidn’tpickup.Afterafewrings,Ireachedoverandsaw

thatitwasMitch.

“Hi,Mitch.”
“Hey,you.”
Apainfullonginggrewinmychestuponhearinghissmooth,deepvoice.
Iclearedmythroat.“What’sgoingon?”

“Thisisgonnasoundstrange.Iknowyousaidyouweredoingokay,butI’vejusthad

thisfeelingalldaythatyouweren’t,andtobehonest,I’mnotdoingsohotmyself.Ineeded
tohearyourvoice.”

Howdidheknow?IclosedmyeyesandknewthatifIopenedmymouth,he’dhear

thatIwasstartingtocry.

Ineededtohearyourvoice,too.
“Skylar?Areyouthere?”
Myvoicewasshaky.“Yes.I’mhere.”
“Areyoucrying?”
Isniffled.“Yes.”
Histonewassoothing,almostawhisper.“Talktome.What’smakingyousad?”
Ihesitated,buthe’dfindoutsoonerorlater.“Ihadtoshavemyheadtoday.”
Hedidn’tsayanythingrightaway,justbreathedintothephone.“Iknewsomething

happened.Ijustknewit.”Hesighed,andhisvoicelowered.“I’msosorry.”

“Iknowitwasinevitable.Itwasjustashocktoactuallyseeitallgone.”
“Icanonlyimagine.”Hepaused.“Listen,haveyoucheckedyouremail?It’sreally

ironic,butIsentyousomethingthismorning.Areyouinfrontofacomputer?”

“Icanbe.”
“I’llwait.”
Ireachedformylaptop.WhenIloggedin,IsawthatMitchhadsentmeabunchof

imagesoffamouspeoplewhohadshavedtheirheadsformovieroles.Thefirstonewasof
NataliePortman,whohappenedtobehiscelebritycrush.So,naturally,Ihatedher.Thenext
wasofDemiMoore.Then,therewasMeganFox.

Iwasn’texactlysureofhispoint.“Wow,thisis—”
“Youseethem?”
“Yeah…”
“Whatdoyouseewhenyoulookatthem?”
“Actually,theydon’tlooktoobadbecausethey’reallbeautifulanyway.”
“Youthinkthey’rebeautiful?”
“Yeah,Ido.”
“You’retentimesmorebeautiful,Skylar.”
Icouldnevergetenoughofhearinghimcallmethat.“Mitch…”
“Itmighttakesomegettingusedto,nothavingyourhair,butintheend,you’restill

gorgeous,andyouknowwhatI’mgonnathinkofwhenIseeyourbaldhead?”

You’reneverseeingmybaldhead,buddy.
“What?”
“Thefactthatthechemoisdoingitsjob,kickingtheassesofthosecancercells.I

wouldn’thaveitanyotherway.”

Iwasn’tsureifhehadpracticedthisspieltomakemefeelbetterorifhetrulymeant

it.Eitherway,hehadsucceededinbrighteningmymood.

Mylipscurvedupwardsintoasmile.“WhatwouldIdowithoutyou?”
“You’renevergonnafindout.”
Iheardbarking.“Ohno.That’snot…”
“Yup.Thebarkingisback.Hehatesmyguts.HethinksIsentyouaway.”
“Letmetalktohim.”
“Hangon.”Iheardthecageopen,andthebarkinggotlouderthenMitchsaid,“Okay,

I’mputtingthephoneuptohisear.”

“Seamus?It’sme.”
Thebarkingstopped.
Icontinuedtalking.“Ireallymissyou.Pleasebeagoodboy.Okay?Nomorebarking.

BegoodforMitch,andI’llcomehomesoon.Iloveyou.”

Deadsilence.
Mitchreturnedtothephone.“Friggin’unbelievable.”
Icouldn’thelpbutlaugh.“Poorbaby.”
“Poorbaby?Poorme,stuckwithalovesickbird.Doyouknowheshitonmetheother

day?”

Ilaughedharder.Itfeltgood.
“Youthinkthat’sfunny,huh?”
“Yes.Ido.”
“Well,ifit’smakingyoulaugh,it’sworthit.That’sgonnabemygoal:tomakeyou

laughatleastonceaday.”

Laughtergotthebestofmeatleastadozenmoretimesthatnight.Mitchstayedonthe

phonewithmeforhoursuntilIfellasleep.Ididn’tevenremembersayinggoodbye.

Thefollowingevening,notonlywouldIlooklikeIhadcancer,I’dfeellikeitforthe

firsttime,too.

***

Whenitrains,itpours.Thenextfewdayswerebrutal.Ihadtocancelourtriptothe

wigshopbecauseIcouldn’tstandupwithoutfeelinglikeIwasgoingtothrowup.Thechemo
nauseaIkepthearingabouthadfinallycaughtupwithme.Fromthebeginning,Ihadbeen
takingZofran,ananti-nauseamed.,butitdidn’tseemtobeworkingformeanymore.

Theskininmymouthalsostartedgettingreallysore,andIdevelopedmouthulcers,

whichwentalongjustgreatwiththevomiting,bytheway.

SeeingasthoughIcouldn’tevengetoutofbed,itwashardformetoanswertextsand

talkonthephone.Evensittinguptowatchtelevisionfeltimpossible.

MitchcalledthehousephonewhenIdidn’tanswermycell,andmyfatherhadtotell

himwhatwasgoingon.

Iheardmyfather’svoicedownstairs.“Skylarhasterriblenausea,Mitch.She’snotable

tocometothephone.I’lltellheryoucalled.”

He’dbeworried,andIhatednotbeingabletoexplainitmyself,butmyinabilityto

gatherenoughenergyeventotalktohimforasecondwasatestamenttohowbadIfelt.

Aftermyfatherhungupthephone,hepeekedinonme.“ThatwasMitch,honey.”
Isimplynoddedandrolledoverontomyside.
“Youwantsomegingerale?”heasked.
“No.”
“Momiscomingadayearly.”
Ishookmyheadinacknowledgement.
MymothernormallyarrivedeveryFridaynight.MyDadandLizetewerecordialtoher,

andeventhoughMomwasuncomfortable,shetriednottoletitshow.She’dspendmostof
hervisitsinmyroom,orweusedtogooutforalittlewhenIwasfeelinguptoit.Then,she’d
sleepathersecondcousin’shouseabouttenminutesaway.

Myphonechimed,andIknewitwasMitch.Ineededtoknowwhatitsaidand

struggledtoreachovertothenightstand.

YourDadtoldme.Don’tworryabouttextingback.I’mhereanytimeday

ornight,though.You’regonnagetthroughthis.Countingthedaystil

Saturday.

Myalreadysickstomachwasinknotsatthethoughtofhimseeingmelikethis.I’d

havetoseehowIfelt,butifmyconditionstayedthesame,therewasnowayIcouldlethim
visit.

Lizetecameintotheroomwithsomechickenbroth.“M’ija,situp.Youhavetoeat

something.Youneedyourstrength.”

“Ican’t.Justthesmellismakingmewanttovomitagain.”
“Please.Justtry.”
IknewIneededtohavesomethinginmystomach.Isatupandsippedthecloudy

brothslowly.Ittastedgameyandgross,causingmystomachtorumble,butIforcedhalfofit
down.

Thenauseakeptmeupmostofthatnight.Aroundfourinthemorning,Istartedto

feelalittlebetterandwisheditweren’ttooearlytocallMitch.Hehadtoldmetocall
anytime,butIdidn’twanttowakehimacoupleofhoursbeforehehadtogetupforschool.

Idecidedtocheckfacebookinstead,eventhoughIvowedtoavoiditlately.Itwasa

constantreminderofeverythingIwasmissingbackhome.Mitchhadanaccountbutnever
usedit.Isawthatsomeonehadtaggedhiminapostfromlastnight.

BrielleDecker
WatchingthenewBatmanmovie—withMitchNichols.
Myheartstartedpalpitating.Briellewasagirlhedatedatonetime.Ikeptstaringat

thestatus.Technically,MitchandIweren’tboyfriendandgirlfriend,butifthecancerhadn’t
happened,wewouldbetogether.Hedidsaywe’dtakeupwhereweleftoffwhenIwasbetter,
butweneverclarifiedexactlywhatthatmeantforusinthemeantime.Heneverexplicitly
saidhewasn’tgoingtodateanyoneelse.

Therealitywas,girlswereconstantlyafterhim.Ijustdidn’texpecthimtorunoutwith

onewhenhewassupposedlysoconcernedaboutme.

MystomachwasstillchurningwhenIpickedupthephoneandtextedhim.
HopeyouhadfunonyourmoviedatewithBrielle.
Hedidn’trespond.
Irolledoverandputthecoversovermyheadjustasanotherbadwaveofnauseahit.

Afterseveralminutes,Istartedtoregretsendingthetext.Itwasn’trealisticformetoexpect
Mitchtostoplivingforthenextsixmonthsormore.Hewouldstarttoresentme.Butitwasa
Catch22becausethethoughtofothergirlsgettingtohavetimewithhimthatwouldhave
beenminewasimpossibletoaccept.Iwasn’tabletohandleitlikebefore.

SinceIhadn’tgottenanysleeplastnight,Iendedupnoddingoffaroundsixam.
Myringtonewokemeanhourlater.ItwasMitch.IfIdidn’tanswer,itwouldbother

meallday.

Myvoicewasgroggy.“Hello?”
“ThankGodyoupickedup.”
“Whatisit?”
“Ijustsawyourtext.Iwasasleepwhenyousentit.That’swhyIdidn’tanswer.We’re

onourwaytoschoolnowandrunninglate.Listen—”

“Youdon’tneedtoexplain.Youhaveeveryrighttoliveyourlife.Youcan’twaitaround

whileI—”

“Fuckthat,Skylar.”Histonewasangry.“Listentome,okay?LastnightwhenIcalled

yourhouseandyourfathertoldmehowsickyouwere,Ifelthelpless.Iwaspacingmyroom.
Ihadjustwantedtohearyourvoice.Areyouthere?”

“Yeah.”
“Daveyshowsupatseven,andIhadtotallyforgottenthatIpromisedhimwe’dgosee

thenewBatmanmovie.ItoldhimIdidn’twanttogo.”

“So,youendedupgoingwithBrielleinstead.”
IheardsomerustlingthenDavey’svoice.
“Skylar?”
“Davey?”
“Romeoistakingtoolongtogettothefuckingpoint.Ishoweduplastnight.Helooked

likethewalkingdead.Hetoldmeheneededadrink.Hewasworriedsickoveryou,andIwas
worriedabouthim.Thefuckingbirdwasbarking.Idraggedhimtothemovies,remindedhim
he’dstillhavehisphoneifyoucalled.Thatbitchhappenedtobetherewithherfriend.They
satnexttous,andshetaggedhimonfacebook.Hewascheckinghisphoneeveryfiveseconds
toseeifyoucalled,notevenpayingattentiontothemovie.YouknowIwouldn’tlietoyou.”

ThatwasthebeautyofDavey.Hehadnostrongerallegiancetoeitheroneofusand

hadnoreasontolie.Reliefwashedoverme.

“Thanks.PutMitchbackonthephone.”
Itfeltlikemybloodpressureloweredwiththereturnofhisvoice.“Hi.”
“I’msorry.Thisisjustsohard.”
“No.I’mtheonethat’ssorry.Apparently,Inevermadethingscleartoyou.I’mnot

interestedinanyoneelse.Ihaven’tdatedanyonesincethenightwekissed.Ithoughtyou
alreadyfiguredthatout.Ionlywantyou,Skylar.”

Mybaldheadshoneinthereflectionofthemirrorovermychestofdrawers,andatear

fell.“I’monlyhalfofmerightnow.”

“I’dtakeahalfofyouoveranythingelsethat’swholeintheworld.”
IheardDaveyinthebackground.“Dude,getmeaband-aidcuzmyearsarebleeding.”
Icouldn’thelpbutlaughthroughmytears.“Imissyou.Imisshim.Imisshome.”
“Imightbephysicallyhere,buteverysecondofeveryday,myheartiswithyou.Please

promisemeyou’renotgoingtowastetheenergyyouneedtogetbetterworryingabout
foolishthings.Talktomeifsomethingisbotheringyou.”

“Okay.Ipromise.”
“Justthink…intwomoredays,we’llfinallybetogetherforChristmas.”

***

Ithadbeenovertwoweekssincethatconversation.Cancerdidn’tgetthememoabout

ChristmasandinsteadofcelebratingitwithMitch,Ispentitinthehospital.

HewaslividbecauseIwouldn’ttellhimwhereIwasoutoffearhewouldshowup.He

finallyagreedtostayawayonlybecauseItoldhimIneededtobeisolatedduetotheriskof
infection.Thatwasawhiteliesincethedoctorhadonlysaidnottomakeclosecontactwith
peoplebutthatitwasokaytobearoundthem.

Mitchhadaslightcold,andthatwastheonlythingthatkepthimfrompushingthe

issue.Ijustcouldn’tbeartolethimseemesoweak.Myweighthadplummeted,andonthe
dayswhenthefeverreturned,Icouldn’ttoleratewearinganythingonmyhead.

ItallstartedthedaybeforeMitchhadbeenscheduledtovisit.Myfeverescalatedin

themiddleofthenight,andmyoncologist,Dr.Vega,advisedmyparentstotakemetothe
hospital.ThankGodmymotherhadcomeearlyandwaswithme.

Onceadmitted,atestshowedthatmywhitebloodcellcountwaslow.Toprevent

infection,thedoctoroncallimmediatelyputmeonadrugtohelpincreasecellcountalong
withantibioticsthroughanIV.

I’dbeeninandoutofthehospitaleversincewithrecurringfeversandhadtospend

severalnightsthere.Theyendeduppostponingmynextchemotreatment,whichmeantan
evenlongertimebeforethisnightmarewouldbeover.

Theworstpartwas,beingstuckinthehospitalgavemewaytoomuchtimetothink.

ThemorehorribleIfelt,theharderitwastoseealightattheendofthetunnel.Eventhough
theprognosiswithHodgkinswasapromisingone,somedaysIfeltlikethechemowasgoing
tokillmeifthecancerdidn’t.

Ijustwantedtolivemylife.Wasthattoomuchtoask?EventhoughIhadnophysical

energy,mymindwasgoingatwarpspeed.Ifeltparalyzedandbecameobsessedwithdoing
everythingIneverhadachanceto.Iwantedtotravel,driveacar,trysushi…andIwantedto
havesexwithMitch.Thatwasthebigone.Ididn’twanttodiewithoutknowingwhatthatfelt
like.Iwasn’tready,butIwasscaredI’dneverhavetheopportunity.

TherewasnooneIcouldtalktoaboutit,either.Angiewastooyoungand

inexperiencedherself,andmymothercouldn’thandletalkingaboutsex.Iwasn’tcomfortable
enoughwithLizeteandworriedshe’dtellmyfather.

Theironywas,ontopofhavingallofthesegrown-upfeelings,theystuckmeinthe

pediatriccancerunit.Thevolunteersthere—candystripers—camebyconstantlyto“cheerme
up.”Maybeitworkedfortheten-year-oldsdownthehall,butIreallycouldhavedone
withoutthebullshit.TheytalkedtomelikeIwasfiveorhadahearingproblem.Intheir
defense,mybaldheaddidmakemelookyoungerthanIwas.

Afterawhile,though,I’dhadenough.Oneafternoon,aninnocentstripernamedFran

becametheunfortunaterecipientofmywrath.

“Hi,Skylar!Whataprettyname!Howareyoudoingtoday?LookwhatIhaveherefor

you.It’sa—”

“Waitaminute.Areyouonspeed?YouaskedmehowIwasdoing,butyounever

waitedforaresponse.Youjustkepttalking.”

“Oh.Well,I—”
“That’sbecauseyoudon’treallywanttoknowhowI’mdoing,doyou?”
“Ofcourse.I—”
“Youdo?Well,Ihavesoresinmymouth,bruisesonmybody,andIlooklikeElmer

Fudd.So,Ifeellikeshit,actually.Meanwhile,mypussyisonfirebecauseallIcanseemto
thinkaboutissex,eventhoughIcan’tmove.Doyouhavesomethingtofixthat?”

“Um…”
“Maybesomeweed?”
Franhadtoleavesuddenly,andtwohourslater,apsychologistcameto“checkonme.”

***

Sometimes,youdon’trealizehowbadlyyouneedsomethinguntilitappearsoutof

nowhere.Afewdaysaftermyoutburst,someonenewshowedupoutsideofmyhospital
room.Atfirst,Ithoughtshewasjustanothervolunteer.Shestoodinthedoorwayandlooked
lost.Ithoughtmaybeshewasjusthesitanttocomeinbecauseshehadheardaboutmy
reputationasa“difficult”patient.Isoonrealizedshewaslostandhadn’tcometoseemeat
all.Forsomestrangereason,Iwishedshehad.

Shelookedtobeinherearlytwenties,withlong,blondehair.Shewasshortand

skinnybutwithbigboobsandabutt.ShelookedlikeaminiBarbiedollwithadonkeyass.
Shewasabeautifulpieceoftheoutsideworldinthisstagnantplace.Iwishedshecouldtake
mewithherwherevershewasgoingwhensheleft.

Ifeltherenergystrongerthanmost.ThatusuallymeantthepersonwassomeoneI

wouldhaveaconnectionwith.Ididn’tknowanythingabouther,butsomehowneededto
knowher.Ialsosensedthatshe,too,hadalotonhermind.

Whenhereyesmetmine,therewasnopityinthem,justcuriosity.Iwaslonelyand

didn’twanthertoleave.So,Ishutthetelevisionoffandstartedaconversationwithher.I
pretendedtoassumeshewasoneofthevolunteersandaskedhertocomein.ItoldherI
wantedtotalkaboutsexasatesttoseehowshehandledit.

HernamewasNina.Withinseconds,shebecameeverythingtome.
ShesatdownandlistenedasItoldherallaboutMitchandmyfears:beingawayfrom

him,ultimatelylosinghimandneverknowingwhatitfeltliketotrulybewithhim.

Basically,inonehour,Iunloadedeverythingontoher,andshegavemehonest,non-

judgmentaladvice.

ItoldherhowscaredIwastoletMitchseemeinthiscondition,andsheofferedto

helpgetmeaproperhumanhairwigandtomakemeoversothatIfeltcomfortableenough
toseehim.

Ninacouldn’thavetrulyknownhowmuchhershowingupthatdaymeanttome.She

hadgivenmehope,andjustminutesaftermeetingher,Iknewshewouldcontinuetobea
partofmylifeforever.

***

TodaywasthedayI’dbeendyingforanddreadingatthesametime.Mitchwascoming

forhisfirstvisitsinceIgotsickandlostmyhair.Mycellcounthadfinallyimproved,soIwas
dischargedfromthehospitallastweekandresumedchemoyesterday.Thenextinfusion
wouldn’tbeforanotherweek.

TheplanwasforMitchtostaytheentireweekendwithmeatmyfather’shouse,soI

prayedfornonausea.Asofnow,Iwasfeelingdecent.

Therewasaknockonmybedroomdoor.
“Comein!”
NinawascarryingawigonaStyrofoamheadalongwithsomeclothingonhangers.
“Howareyoufeeling?”
“LikeIlook…likeass.”
“Well,whenwegetdone,youmightstillfeellikeit,butyouwon’tlooklikeit.”
Sheputdownallofherstuffandsatontheedgeofthebed.“Areyoustillscaredtosee

him?”

“Alittle.”
“Why?”
“Hejustdoesn’thaveanycluehowdifferentIlooknow.Iknowhecaresaboutme,but

Iwanthimtowantmethewayheusedto.”Iclosedmyeyesandpicturedhisface.“Ilovethe
wayhelooksatme,Nina.”

Herexpressionwassympathetic.“Ihopeyoudon’tmind,butIhappenedtomention

whatyou’regoingthroughwithMitchtoJake.Iwantedhistakeonit.”

JakewasNina’sboyfriend.Frompictures,Iknewhewasahot,tattooedGodofaman.

Ihadn’tmethimyet,butheseemedreallydowntoEarthfromhowshedescribedhim.
Seriously,though,hewouldn’thavetosayadamnthingandthatwouldhavebeenfinewith
me,too.

“Whatdidhesay?”
“First,hetoldmethatifIlostallofmyhair,he’djusthavetofindsomethingelseto

grabontowhileIwentdownonhim.Then,heproceededtowonderifIwouldalsolosethe
hairbetweenmylegs,andwhenItoldhimyes,hedidalittlefistpump.Whenhewasfinally

seriousaboutit,hesaidundernotermswouldhefindmeanylessbeautifulwithouthairand
saidtotellyouthatifMitchwasintoyoubeforeallofthis,youhavenothingtoworryabout.”

“Hesoundslikemykindofguy.”
“Youhavenoidea.WhydoyouthinkI’vekepthimawayfromyouforsolong?”She

winked.

“Well,feelfreetobringhimoveranytime…over…under…whereverhe’dlikeme.”
Ninapretendedtosmothermewithapillow.Sheknewmysenseofhumorandwasn’t

botheredbyit.“Weshouldgetstarted.Ihavetoleaveatfive,andMitchwillbehereina
coupleofhours,right?”

“Yup.Let’schecktheinventory.Hair?”
NinaliftedtheStyrofoamhead.“Check.”
“Boobs.”
ShereachedintoalargeblackduffelbagandliftedthesiliconechickencutletsIasked

hertobuyme,throwingthematmejokingly.“Check!”

Istuffedthemintomybra.“It’sexpensivetolookcheap,isn’tit?Makeupandfalse

lashes?”

Ninatookoutafloralmakeupbagandwavedit.“Check!”
“Condoms.”
“Youdidn’tsay—”
“I’mkidding.
“You’dbetterbe.You’rebarelysixteen,youlittlenymphomaniac.”
“Ah…don’tyoumeanlymphomaniac?
Sheshookherhead.“Skylar,thatwasbadevenforyou.”
“Inallseriousness…ifIwantedtohavesexwithMitch,wouldn’tyousupportme?”
Shehesitated.“Iwould,butI’dfeelbetterifyouwerealittleolderandifIweresure

youweretrulyready,notjustpushingyourselftogrowuptoofastoutoffear.”

Ihadnorealintentionoflosingmyvirginityanytimesoon,butIwantedtoknowthat

she’dbethereforme.“Pointtaken.Now,getoverhereandworkyourmagic.”

“Idon’tknowaboutmagic…”
“You’retransformingahairlesscancerpatientintoadragqueeninlessthantwenty

minutes.EvenCopperfieldwouldn’ttouchthat.”

Ninalaughedandhelpedmegetintoasimpleblacksweaterdresssheletmeborrow

beforestartingmymakeup.Shewasbynomeansanexpertbeautician,butitwasadorable
howshepursedherlipsandconcentratedasshelinedmyeyes,gluedonthelashesand
powderedmyface.

Itstartedtogetdarkout,andmynerveskickedin,knowingthatMitchhadhoppeda

lateafternoontrainandwasalreadyonhisway.

Ninawouldn’tletmelookatmyselfuntilshewasfinished.Aftersheplacedthewigon

myhead,shehandedmeamirror.

Ilookedlikeadifferentperson.“Wow.”
“Isthatagood‘wow'?"
“Yeah.Imean...Idon’tlooklikeCaillouanymore.That’sforsure.”
Shegrinned.“MorelikeJessicaRabbit?”
Thewigwasbeautifullymade,butonceon,itmademyscalphotashell.Thecolorwas

alsoalotredderthanmynormalauburn.Ididlikethesmooth,straightstyle,though.The
falselashesbroughtoutthegreencolorofmyeyes,buttheyweretoolong,andthelipstick
wastoobright.

Ididn’twanttomakeNinafeelbad,butthisdefinitelywasn’tme.Ihadtoremind

myselfthatIhadspecificallyaskedhertomakemeuplikethistodistractfromthebaldness
andweightloss.

Shelookedworried.“Isittoomuch?”
“Youknowwhat?Itjustneedstobetoneddownalittle.Handmethattissue.”
Itookoneoutandwipedoffmostofthelipstickthenslowlypulledoffthelashes.
Istilllookedmadeup,justalittlelessdramatic.“Thisisgoodnow.Ireallydolovethis

wig.”

Shesmiledasshebrushedthehairout.“Thisisaboutyoubeingcomfortable.Ifyou’re

happy,thenI’mhappy.”

I’dbehappyonceMitchsawmeanddidn’trunintheotherdirection.

***

OnthesubwaytoBrooklyn.Seeyouinabouttwentyminutes.
IkeptstaringatthetextfromMitch.Thatwastwentyminutesago,andhewouldbe

hereanyminute.Iwantedtosavemyenergy,soIstayedsittinguponthebedandstaredout
atthebrightmoon.Thereflectioninthewindowofmynewlymade-upsilhouettetriggered
mixedfeelings.

Thedoorbellstartledme,andIletLizeteanswer.
Iheardhersay,“Nicetoseeyouagain,Mitch.”
Thefrontdoorshut,andbutterfliesfilledmystomachasthesoundoffootsteps

comingupthestairsgotcloser.

Myhandsfeltclammy,andIbreathedinandoutonelasttime.
Iwassittinguponthebedwithmyarmswrappedaroundmyshinswhenthedoor

slowlyopened.

Mitchdroppedhisgiantbackpackonthegroundandimmediatelyjoinedmeonthe

bed.Hepulledmeintoahugandexhaledasifhe’dbeenholdinghisbreathforawhile.Iwas
afraidtolookintohiseyes,notwantingtoseeanychangeinthewaytheylookedbackatme.
Ijuststayedwithmyeyesclosed,breathinginthesmellofhisskinthatIhadbeencraving.

Hesaidnothingashecontinuedtoholdme.Then,Ifelthishandonmychinashe

whispered,“Hey,lookatme.”

IturnedtohimandimmediatelywishedIhadn’t.HowcoulditbethatwhileIwasted

awaythesepastcoupleofmonths,hehadgrownmorestunninglyhandsome?Those
butterfliesinmystomachweremultiplyingbythesecondasItookinhisappearance.Hehad
stubbleonhischin,whichalsoseemedmoreangular.Hishairwasevenmoregrownoutand
styledintomessyperfection.Thesamenavyhoodiehealwaysworewasnowsnug,
conformingtoamoremuscularframe.HewasturningintoamanwhileIwasshrinking.

“Lookatyou.Youlooknice,”hesaid.
“Iwantedtolookgoodforyou,soIhadNinahelpmakemeup,butitdoesn’tfeel

right.Noneofthisfeelsright.”

“Noneof…this?Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“YoulookinglikeyoujuststeppedoutofGQandmelookinglike…acrackwhore.”
Hissmilefaded.“Skylar,comeon.You’rebeingalittletoughonyourself,don’tyou

think?Lookatwhatyou’vebeenthrough.Youlookamazing.”

“Foracancerpatient?That’snotsayingmuch.”
Istoodupoffofthebedandmusthaverisentoofast.Afeelingofdizzinesscameover

me,andIhadtogripthedressertobalance.

Hejumpedoffthebed.“Areyouokay?”

“Igotuptoofast.Ifeelreallynauseousallofasudden.IthinkI’mgoingtothrowup.

Youshouldgodownstairs,Mitch.Youdon’twanttoseethis.”

“Ijustgothere.I’mnotleavingyou.”
Ihatedthis.Icouldn’tevenlastfiveminuteswithoutanoutburstandaboutof

nausea.

ThatwasthelastthoughtIrememberedhavingbeforeseeingstarsanddroppingtothe

floor.

CHAPTER12

MITCH

I’dneverbeenmorepetrifiedofanythinginmyentirelife.WhenSkylarsuddenly

collapsed,Ipracticallyflewtowardher,catchingherheadinmid-airjustbeforeithitthe
ground.

“Help!”Iyelled,butnooneanswered.Herstepmothermusthaveleftthehouse.
Myheartwaspoundingthroughmychest.Itappedhercoldcheek.“Skylar!Skylar,

please.”

JustasIgrabbedmyphonetocall911,hereyelidsfluttered.
“Skylar.Skylar,you’reokay.I’mhere.”
“Mitch?Whathappened?WhereamI?”
“Youfainted.”
“Oh.”
“Hasthishappenedbefore?”
“Thedoctorwarnedmeaboutdehydrationwithallthevomitinglately.Imusthave

gottenuptoofast.”

“Doyoufeellikeyoucanstandup?”
Sheshookherhead.“No.Notyet.”
“Okay.We’llstayhere.I’mjustgonnagetupforonesecondandgetapillow.”
“No.Don’tleaveme.”
“Okay.Iwon’t.”
Itookoffmyjacketandplaceditunderherhead.Afterafewminutes,sheusedmy

handtobalanceherselfslowlytoasittingposition.

“IthinkIcanstandupnow.”
Iledherovertothebedthengrabbedawaterbottlefrommybagunabletoopenitfast

enough.“Drinksomeofthis.”

ShesatupslowlyagainsttheheadboardanddrankfromthebottleasIheldittoher

mouth.“Thanks.Ineverhadwatertoday.Dumbmove.”

“Areyoufeelingbetter?”
“Alittlenauseous.”
“Tellmewhatyouneed.”
“Juststayherenexttome.”Sheremainedsittingupwithapillowproppedagainsther

backandclosedhereyes.

Shedidn’trealizeherwighadshiftedandforthefirsttime,Icaughtaglimpseofthe

baldheadunderneath.Shewouldhavefreakedifsheknew,soIdidn’tsayanything.

Admittedly,itwasashocktoseeitatfirst,buteverythingthathadhappenedfromthe

secondIwalkedinthatdoorhadbeenarudeawakening.Somehow,despitehearingoverthe
phoneabouteverythingshe’dbeengoingthrough,Ihadimaginedherphysicallyunchanged,
whichwaseasierwhenIwasawayandfeelinghelpless.Therealityofhowphysicallyweak
shehadbecomewashardtoaccept.

Icontinuedtowatchherasshelaywithhereyesclosed.Blackeyelinerwasrunning

downhercheekononeside.Myheartbrokethatshefelttheneedtomakeherselflook
unrecognizable,thinkingthatitwouldpleaseme.Mychestfeltheavy,readytocombustin
pain,sadness,frustrationandloveforherallatonce.

Eventhoughshelookedsickandhadlostherhair,notforaseconddidIloveherany

less.ItkilledmethatsheworriedthatI’dviewherdifferentlybecauseshelookeddifferent.

IfsheonlyknewhowmuchmoreIlovedherrightnow,howmuchmoreIrespected

herafterwitnessingfirsthandthestrengthittooktofightthewarherbodywasenduring.

Ontopofthat,thethreatoflosingherseemedmorerealnow.
Inaway,youdon’trealizethedepthofyourfeelingsuntilsomethinglikethis

happens.Throughherfrailty,Isawhersoul—theessenceofwhyI’dalwayslovedher.It
shinedbrighter,nolongerpalinginthereflectionofherphysicalbeauty.Itmademerealize
thatItrulylovedherfromtheinsideout,nottheotherwayaround.

Shesuddenlyopenedhereyesandturnedherheadinmydirection,catchingme

staringather.“Whatareyoulookingat?”

“Rememberonthephonethatday,howyousaidyoufeltlikehalfofyourself?”
“Now,youcanseewhy,right?”
Mytoneborderedonangry.Shehaditallwrong.“No.No…that’snotwhatIwas

gettingat.”Igrabbedherhand.“I’vefeltlikehalfofmyself,too…untilnow.Ionlyfeelwhole
whenI’mwithyou.NowthatIseewithmyowneyeswhatyou’vebeengoingthrough,Ifeel
likeI’vebeenlivingaliealltheseweeks.Ishouldhavebeenhere.”

“No.Youshouldn’thave.Iwouldn’twantyouhereallofthetimetowitnessthe

worst.”

Tellheryouloveher.
Thewordswouldn’tcomeout.Asusual,IconvincedmyselfthatshewouldthinkIwas

sayingitonlybecauseshewassick.So,Idecidedagainstit.Anotherthoughtpoppedintomy
headinstead.“Willyoucometomypromwithme?”

“What?Whatexactlyaboutthissituationscreamspromqueen?”
“Iwasjustthinking.Iknowit’sawaysaway,butitwillbeafteryourtreatmentsare

done.Icouldneverpicturegoingunlessyouwerewithme.It’llbesomethingforustolook
forwardto.”

ShesmiledforthefirsttimesinceIhadwalkedinthedoor.“Okay.Icouldusethat.”
“It’ssettledthen.”
WhenIleanedintohugher,herwigaccidentallyshiftedfurtheroffherhead.She

jumpedinapanic,franticallytryingtorepositionit.

Iputmyhandonherarm.“Wait.Iwanttoseeit.”
Sheletoutasinglelaugh.“Nofreakingway.”
“Skylar,yourwig’sbeenslightlyoffyourheadthiswholetime.Ididn’tsayanything,so

I’vealreadyseenpartofit.”

“No,youhaven’t.”
“Ineedyoutostopbeingsoafraid.Itdoesn’tmattertome.Youmattertome.Ican’t

provethattoyouifyouthinkitalldependsonyourwearingthatwig.”

Sheshookherhead,andatearfelldownhercheek.Shemouthed,“Ican’t.”
Ifoughtlikehelltostopmyowntearsfromfallingandlookeddeepintohereyes.

“Please.”

Ihadhonestlynotexpectedhertogoforit.Whensheloweredherarm,shegavemea

conflictedlookandaslightnod,reluctantlygivingmesilentpermission.

MyhandshookalittleasIslowlypulledthewigback,lettingitfallontothepillow.I

wasn’tnervoustoseeherbald.IwasnervousbecauseIknewshewasscared.Iworriedthat
she’dmisinterpretmyemotions.Thetruthwas,whatshehadjusthandedmeamidstherown
fearhadtrulysurprisedandmovedme.Itmeantthatsomewhereinsideofherbeyondthe
insecurity,sheknewhowmuchIcaredabouther.

Herchestrose,andshewouldn’tlookatme.Iunderstood.Herself-consciousness

didn’tkeepmefromdoingtheonethingIcouldn’thelp,though.

Myroughfingertipsrubbedalonghersmooth,perfectlyroundscalp.Herheadwashot

withslightbeadsofperspirationfromthewig,whichprobablyirritatedher.Andthatirritated
me.Theskinontopofherheadfeltlikesilk.HereyeswerestillclosedasImovedmyfingers
inslowsoftcirclesoverit.

AllofSkylar’shairtransformationsduringthephasesofourfriendshipranthrough

mymindlikeaslideshow:thewhimsicalbraidsofthelittlegirlwhobroughtmebacktolife
asaboy,thelong,rain-soakedtressesofthevixenintheCatholicschooluniform.Iloved
themall,butnonehadmeantmoretomethanthevulnerablegirlwiththesoft,smoothhead
whojustputallofhertrustinme.

Imovedinbehindher,andsherestedherbackagainstmychest.Iloweredmylipsand

plantedakissonherhead.Shewastootiredtofightthecontact.“You’rethemostbeautiful
girlintheworldtome.”Ikissedthesamespotagain.“Pleaseknowthat.”

Tellheryouloveher.
Mymouthrestedagainstthetopofherheadasshecontinuedtoleanagainstme.
Coward.
Iclosedmyeyesandfeltherbreathingstarttoevenoutthenrealizedshehadfallen

asleepinmyarms.WhenIfinallyopenedmyeyes,IlookedinthedoorwaytofindSkylar’s
fatherstandingtherewatchingus.Iflinchedandopenedmymouthreadytoapologizefor
beinginherbedwhenhehelduphishand.

“Shh.Stay.Don’twakeher.”Hiseyeswerewatery,andhisvoicewasshaky.Iwondered

howlonghehadbeenthereandwhathehadseen.

***

Mybackhurtfromthecouchdownstairs.Iwasn’tabletosleepknowingthatSkylar

hadn’tbeenfeelingwelllastnight.Thehousewasquietsinceeveryonewasstillsleeping.I
wentintothekitchenandstartedtomakecoffee.Thebrownliquiddrippeddownintothe
carafe.Icountedthedropswithdisdain,eachonesignifyinganothersecondclosertohaving
toleaveheragain.

Oliverstartledme.“Morning,son.”
Iturnedaround.“Hi.Ihopeyoudon’tmind.Imadesomecoffee.”
Henodded.“No,that’sgood.I’lltakeoneblack.Howareyouholdingup?”
“I’mfine,justhopingshe’sfeelingbetterthanyesterday.”
“Thiscan’tbeeasyforyouseeingherlikethis,”hesaid.
“Icanhandleitaslongshe’sfeelingokay.”
“We’vehadsomeroughdayslately.”
“Issheup?”
“Ididn’thearherwhenIcamedown.”Hepulledupachairandsatdown.“Listen,I

knowbeforethis,Ihadn’treallybeenpresentallthatmuchinherlife,butshealwayshas
nothingbutgoodthingstosayaboutyou.”

“Thankyou,sir.”
“PleasecallmeOliver.”
“Okay…Oliver.”
“She’sstuckwithmenow,butshewouldneverstayherebychoiceotherwise.Iknow

she’snothappyhere.IwishsheknewhowmuchIlovedher.Itellherallthetimenow,but
I’vemadealotofmistakeswithherovertheyears.”

Ihandedhimacoffee.“Sheknowsyouloveher,sir…Oliver.”

Hetookasipandpeekedatmefromoverthemug.“Doessheknowyoudo?”
“What?”
“It’sokaytosayit,youknow.”
Inodded.HewasdefinitelystandingatthatdoorlongerthanIthoughtyesterday.“I

getit.Thanks.”

***

Throughouttheweekend,Skylarcontinuedtobesickasadog.Despitehershowing

meherhead,sheinsistedonwearingthewigaroundme.

IheldthestrandsbackforherwhileshethrewupinthetoiletSundaymorning.
“Mitch,youshouldgohome.”
“Nofuckingway.”
IwasscheduledtotaketheeightpmtrainoutofManhattantonightandwasn’tgoing

toleaveherasecondbeforeIhadto.

Thatafternoon,sheaskedmetoruntothestoreforgingerale.Onthewalkhome,a

thoughtcrossedmymindafterpassingoneofthosespinningbarbershoppoles.Istoppedin
mytracks.

ShouldIdoit?
Whythehellnot?Ifitwouldmakeherfeellessalone,itcouldn’thurt.I’ddoanything

forher.

BellsrangasIimpulsivelyopenedthedoortotheshop.“Takeitalloff.”
Theowner,Luigi,lookedatmelikeIwascrazy.“Doyouknowhowmanymenwould

killforyourheadofhair,andyouwanttoshaveitoff?”

WhenIexplainedwhy,notonlydidhetakeitoff,buthediditforfree.Apparently,he

hadadaughterwithbreastcancer.

Itookonelookatmyselfinthemirrorandcouldn’thelpbutlaugh.Myheadwasn’t

exactlyassmoothashers.“Ilookridiculous.”

Hepattedmeonmyback,wishingmethebestofluck,andthepatronsallclapped.
Backoutside,myheadfeltlikeitwasgoingtofreezeintoanicecube.Iputmyhoodon

hopingthiswouldhelpcheerherup.

WhenIreturnedtothehouse,OliverandLizetewerewatchingamovieasIrushed

pastthemupthestairs.Skylarwastakinganap,soIputthegingeraleonherdresserandlay
downatthefootofherbed,waitingimpatientlyforhertowakeup.

Iendedupnoddingoffandawoketothesoundofherscreaming.
“Mitch!Whatthehelldidyoudo?”
“Don’tfreakout,”Isaidgroggily.
“Don’tfreakout?BeforeIfellasleep,youhadhairlikeDavidBeckham.Iwakeup,and

youlooklikeMr.Clean!”

Icouldn’thelplaughingatherreaction.“What…youdon’tlikeit?”
“No!Idon’t.Unlikeyou…I’mhonestaboutit.Nobodyactuallylooksbetterbald.”
“Well,getusedtoit.Aslongasyoudon’thavehair,Iwon’teither.”
“Oh,yeah,sure.We’llbethebaldbrigade,exceptatleastIcanwearawig.Youcan’t.

Allofthemaleoneswouldmakeyoulooklikea1970’spornstar.”

“Idon’tcare.Ijustwanttosupportyou,andthisismywayofdoingit.”
Afterseveralminutes,herinitialshockseemedtowane,andsherubbedherhand

alongmyheadandlaughed.“Igetwhyyoudidit,butyou’reinsane,MitchNichols.”

“Onlywhenitcomestoyou.”
Tellheryouloveher.

“Clearly.Ican’tbelieveyoudidthis.”
“Skylar,I…”Sayit.“Gotyourgingerale.”
Coward.
“Thanks.”
“IhaveafewmorehoursbeforeIhavetoleave.Whatdoyouwanttodo?”
“Justlienexttome.”
“Icanhandlethat.”
Overthenextseveralminutes,shebecameveryfidgetyandseemeduneasy.
“Areyouokay?”
“Mynervesareactingup.Someofthemedscauseanxiety.”
“Mymom’stherapisttoldhertocreateahappyplaceinhermindwhenevershegot

likethatandthenmeditateonit.Wherewouldyougoifyoucouldgoanywhere?”

“Hmm.It’snotreallyaspecificlocation,butitwouldprobablybelikeabeachhouse

rightonthewater.Itwouldhaveoneofthosereadingnooksbyalargewindowoverlooking
theocean.”

“Whatwouldyoubereading?”
“Probablysmut.”
Ilaughed.“Ofcourse.Okay,imagineyourselftherereadingyoursmut.Wheneveryou

starttofeelnervous,justkeepimaginingthatpeacefulplace.”

“Where’syourhappyplace?”
“Lately?Anywhereyouare.”
“That’scheesy,baldy.”
“That’sthetruth.Aslongasyou’rethere,inmymind,theplaceisinterchangeable.”
Shestaredatmeforawhileandsuddenlylookedsullen.
Igentlyshookherarm.“Hey…what’sgoingon?WhatdidIsay?”
“Nothing.”
“Somethingisbotheringyou.”
Sheclosedhereyesbrieflyandwhensheopenedthemsaid,“There’ssomethingI’ve

alwayswonderedbuthaven’taskedyoubecauseI’mafraidoftheanswer.It’sbeeneatingat
melately.”

Mypulseraced.IhadafeelingIknewwherethiswasgoing.“Okay…askmeanything.”
Sheinhaled.“Iknowyou’vedatedalotofgirls…buthaveyoueverhadsex?”
Honestly,Ididn’tknowhowI’dmanagedtoavoidthisconversationforsolong.Ihad

tobehonestwithher.

Iswallowed.“Yes,Ihave.”
Sheletoutthedeepbreathshehadbeenholding.Shelookeddevastated.Fuck.Ihated

this.IhatedthatIjusthurtherontopofeverythingelseshe’dbeengoingthrough.

Hereyeswerewatery,andherneckwasbreakingoutinhives.“Isuspectedbutwasn’t

sure.God,Ifeelsostupid.Ihadthisfantasy,thatbysomemiracle,youhadn’tandthatone
day,we’dbeeachother’sfirsts.”

Hearinghersaythatcrushedme.“Iwishsobadlythatcouldbetrue,thatIcouldtake

itback.Ineedtoexplainittoyou.”

“Explainsextome?”
“No…God…justletmetalk,okay?”
Atearfelldownhercheek.“Ican’tbelieveI’mcryingoverthis.Thesedamnmeds.”
Iturnedtoher,andourfaceswereinchesapartwhenIwipedhereyes.“You’recrying

becauseyoucareaboutme.Ifyouhadjusttoldmeyouhadsexwithsomeguy,I’dprobably

beonthetrainrightnowtogokillhim.So,you’rehandlingitbetterthanIwould.”

Shesniffled.“Howmany?”
“Two.”
“Whowerethey?”
Iletoutadeepbreath.“MyfirsttimewaswithagirlnamedLeah.Shewastwoyears

older.ItwasbackinLongIslandrightbeforeImovedtoJersey.Itwasn’tspecial.Itwasa
mistake.”

“Andyoursecondtime?”
“Abiggermistake.ItwaswithBrielle.”
Sheshuddered,closinghereyes.“When?”
“AboutamonthafterImovedhere.Itwasonetime.”
“Didyouuseprotection?”
“Ofcourse.”
Shelookedsosad,anditfeltlikemyheartwasinachokehold.HowdoIexplaintoher

thatitdidn’tmatterwithoutsoundinglikeanasshole?Ihadalwaysregrettedthatnightwith
Brielle,butIcouldn’ttakeitback.

“IalmostwishIhadn’taskedyou.”
Ineededtofindthewordstoexplaintoherthatnogirlhasevermatteredtomelike

shehas.

“Thefirsttimehappenedsofast.Iworkedwithheratthelocalsupermarket.Shehad

beencomingontomeforalongtime,andIgaveinonenight.Shewasn’tavirgin,andIdidn’t
knowwhatIwasdoing.Weneverwentoutagain,andthenImovedaway.WithBrielle,itwas
different.Ihadmadeupmymindtodoit.Itwasalmostmechanical.Iwastestingmyself
duringatimeIhadvowedtostayawayfromyou.IthoughtifIcouldmovefasterwith
someoneelse,itwouldsomehowmakeiteasiertobearoundyouandnotwantyouthatway.”

“So,youwereusingher…”
“Inaway,butIhonestlythinkshewasusingme,too.Shehadjustbrokenupwithher

boyfriend.Idon’twanttosoundlikeadick,butithonestlydidn’tmeananything.Then,she
toldabunchofpeopleatschool,andthatpissedmeoff.Iregretit.”

“Youmakeitsoundlikeit’snobigdeal.”
God,Isuckedatthis.Tellherhowyoufeel.
“Itdoesn’tfeellikeabigdealifyourheart’snotinit.AllIknowis,afterthenightyou

andIkissed,Icouldn’timaginewantinganyoneelse.Thatkissalonewasthemost
phenomenalthingIhadeverexperiencedinmyentirelife.I'msorryIcan'tgiveyoumyfirst
time,butyou’retheonlygirlwho’severhadmyheart.Aslongasyoutellmetowaitforyou,I
will.Ican’tgobackandchangethepast,butIcanguaranteethatifyoudecidetogive
yourselftomesomeday,itwilldamnwellmeansomething.”

Shedidn’thavetimetorespondbeforeweheardfootsteps.Ijumpedupoffthebed.
Lizeteopenedthedoor.“OhmyGod!Wow.”
Atfirst,Iwasconfusedthenrealizedshewasreactingtomyshavedhead.Iwasso

worriedaboutSkylarthatI’dforgottenaboutmyhairbeinggone.

“Yeah,Mitchcamehomewithalittlesurpriseforme.”
Lizetetriedtocontainherlaughter.“Wow…it’s…wow.Anyway,dinner’sready.Then,

yourfather’sgonnadriveMitchtoManhattantocatchhistrain.”

WefollowedLizetedownstairswithoutcontinuingourconversation.Thefriedchicken

andriceshemadetastedgreat,butIhadtoforcemyselftoeatit.Mystomachwasupset
becauseIdidn’twanttoleaveSkylar,especiallywhileshewasn’tfeelingwell.Shewasbeing

reallyquietthroughoutdinner.OlivermadesmalltalkwhilesheandIstoleglancesateach
other.Ihopedshewasn’tstillthinkingaboutmyadmissionupstairs,althoughIsuspected
shewas.

Afterdessert,Skylarexcusedherselftogobacktoherroom.Iwaitedafewminutes

beforefollowingherandcaughtherasshewascomingoutofthebathroom.

Thehallwaywasdarkandbeforeshehadachancetoopenthebedroomdoor,Ipulled

hertowardmeandhuggedhertightly.

Iburiedmyfaceinherneckandwhispered,“I’msorry.”
“Forwhat?”
“Foreverything…forupsettingyou,fornotbeingabletomakeyoufeelbetter,for

havingtoleave.”Ispokeintoherskin.“Ifeellikeafailure.”

“Youdidn’tdoanythingwrong.Thankyoufortellingmethetruthearlier.”
“I’msorryitwasn’ttheansweryouhopedfor.”
“Let’snottalkaboutthatanymore,okay?”
“Okay.”Ikissedherforehead.“Ijustwantthistobeover.”Myvoicewasshaky,butI

refusedtocry.“Iwishitweremegoingthroughthisandnotyou.”

“Don’tsaythat.Iwouldn’teverwishthisonyou.”Sheloweredmyshavedheadtoher

mouthandkissedthetop.

“WhatifIstayedandwenttoyourtreatmentwithyoutomorrow?”
“Mitch,youhaveschool.Youcan’tdothat.Thatwouldupsetmemorethanyou

leaving.”

“Ican’tjustgohomeandpretendthateverything’snormalanymorenowthatI’veseen

firsthandwhatthishasbeenlikeforyou.”

“Youhaveto.”
Sheletgoofme,openedthedoortoherroom,andIfollowedherin.Shewalkedover

tothemirror.“I’mstartingtolosemylashes.”

SkylarcontinuedtolookatherselfwhileIhuggedherfrombehind,filledwithanger.

Injusttwodays,Isawthisfuckingcancerstripawayatherbitbybit.ThatwasonlywhatI
witnessed,onlyafractionofthetimeshe’dbeenfightingitwithseveralmonthslefttogo.

Ijustwantedtomakeherforgetforaminute.Wedidn’thavemuchtimebeforeher

fatherwouldcomeupstairs,soIturnedheraround,putbothofmyhandsonherfaceand
pulledherlipsintomine.Ihadbeendyingtokissherallweekend,buttherewasneveran
appropriatetime.

Herbodywasstiffatfirst,caughtoffguardbymysuddenattack.Whenmytongue

slippedinsidehermouth,though,sheslowlyrelaxedintoit.Ithadfeltlikeaneternitysince
thelasttimewekissedlikethis.Iwasquicklyremindedofhowsweetshetastedandhowout
ofcontrolitmademefeel.Evenassickasshewas,Iwasstillsounbelievablyattractedher.
ShesighedasIhungrilyopenedmymouthwideroverhersandbegantokisshermore
aggressively.

Ispokeoverherlips.“HaveIevertoldyouhowmuchIloveyourlips,Skylar?”
Shesmiledthroughourkissandmoanedintomymouth.Webothpulledback

suddenlywhensomeoneknockedonthedoor.

Sherubbedhermouth.“Comein!”
Oliveropenedthedoor.“I’msorry,Mitch.We’dbetterheadoutsoyoudon’tmissyour

train.”

“Okay.Berightdown.”
Wejuststoodtherestaringateachother.MystomachfilledwithdreadasIheardhim

starthiscaroutsidetowarmitup.

Igrabbedherhandandpulledhertowardme.OurforeheadsweretouchingasIsaid,

“Imaybewalkingoutofhere,butthere’snotapieceofmyheartthat’scomingwithme.”

ShehadtopracticallypushmeoutthedoorbecauseIwouldn’tletgoofher.
Thetrainridehomewaslikeabaddream.Soundswerelouderthannormal.Thevoices

oftheotherpassengerswereintolerable.Ifeltlikeashell,sodisconnectedfromtherestof
theworld,afishoutofwater.Itangeredmethatallofthesepeopleweremovingtoward
something,whilewitheachsecond,Iwasmovingfurtherawayfromtheonethingthat
matteredtome.Itfeltwrong,likeIhadleftnotonlymyheartbutmyentireselfbackin
Skylar’sbedroom.IhadnocluehowIwasgoingtofunctiontomorrow,knowingthatshewas
gettingmoreofthatpoisonpumpedintoher.

Whenthecabdroppedmeoffathome,IlookedupintothedarknessofSkylar’sempty

bedroomwindowacrossthestreetandsaidasilentprayerbeforeenteringmyhouse.

Mymotherwasinthekitchen.“Mitch?”
Ignoringher,Iwalkedupstairsinadaze.Ihadahoodon,soshewouldn’thaveseen

myhead.

SeamuswasunusuallyquietwhenIopenedthedoortomybedroom.Iwassurehe’d

startbarkingagainthesecondhesawme.Iopenedthecagetomakesurehewasstillalive,
andhewasjustlookingatmequietly.HelookedhowIfelt.“Hey,littleguy.”

Hesquawkedonceandtiltedhishead.
“Iknow.Imissher,too.”
WhenIleanedintokissthetopofhishead,henippedmynose.“Ow.”IguessIhad

pressedmyluck.

TheurgetocallSkylarwaskillingme,butIdidn’twanttowakeherbecauseshehad

anearlyappointmenttomorrow.Isentheratextinstead.

I’mhome.Well…“here.”Homeiswhereveryouare.Ifeellostwithoutyou.

AndImissyourlips.

Ifeltrestless,likeIneededtodosomethingforher.Iopenedmylaptopandstarteda

GooglesearchonHodgkinsLymphoma.Thestatisticswerepromising,butofcourse,that’s
nevertheinformationyourmindzonesinon.Whatstuckinmybrainwereallthepotential
long-termsideeffectsofchemo,thepossibilityofabonemarrowtransplantifthechemo
didn’tworkthefirsttimearound,therisksofradiation,thechanceofsecondarycancers
developinglaterinlife.Thelistwentonandon.IwasdoingexactlywhatIurgedSkylarnot
to:focusingonthe“whatifs”andlettingmyfearstakeoverbecauseseeinghersufferinghad
weakenedme.

WhatputmeovertheedgewasanarticleaboutagirlaroundSkylar’sagethatrecently

lostherbattle.Thegirl’ssmilingfaceinthephotostaredbackatme,areminderthatnothing
wasguaranteed.Islammedthelaptopclosed.TherealitythattherewasachanceSkylarcould
diefromthiswasunthinkable.Themerethoughtwassopainfulthateverymuscleinmy
bodytightenedinanattempttoresisttheunwelcomeemotionsthatwererisingtothe
surface.

MymothergaspedwhensheenteredtheroomtofindmyshouldersshakingasI

bawledwithmyheadinmyhands.EverythingIhadbeeninholdinginthispastweekend
camefloodingout.

Sheranherhandacrossmyshavedhead.“Oh,Mitch.”
“Ican’tloseher,Mom.”
“Didsomethinghappen?”

Iwipedmyeyes,angryatmylossofcontrol.“She’sjustgoingthroughhell.It’snot

fair.Hereyelashesaregone…herfuckingeyelashes.It’snotaboutthat,butshecanonlytake
somuch.Thisistearingapartherspiritslowly.Iseethathappeningandcan’tstandtosee
hersuffering.Iloveher.Ilovehersomuch,andIwastoomuchofacowardtotellher.”

“Why?Whycouldn’tyoutellher?”
“Idon’tknow.It’slikeIassociatethosethreewordswithbadthingshappeningfrom

whenIwasakid.Ontopofthat,I’msoafraidshe’llthinkI’monlysayingitbecauseshe’s
sick.”

“Sheneedstohearit.Andifyoudon’twanthertothinkyou’resayingitonlybecause

she’ssick,thenyouneedtotellherexactlywhyyouloveher,whyyou’vealwayslovedher.It
willgiveherstrength.Don’tletwhathappenedbetweenmeandyourfathermakeyouafraid.
I’vewatchedyoufallinlovewiththatgirl,andit’sreal.Yourfatherneverlovedmelikeyou
loveher.”

ShekissedmyforeheadbeforeIsuddenlywalkedtowardthewindow,staringvacantly

acrossthestreetatSkylar’shouse.“Iwanttobealone,okay?”

“Okay.”
“Thanks,Mom.”
Istayedawakethatnight,wired,drawingheranewcomicintheAdventuresofS&M

serieswhereSandMwerebaldbanditsbandingtogethertofighttheevilCuntilitwas
destroyed.

Atoneinthemorning,myphonerang.MyheartpoundedinterrorwhenIsawher

name.

“Skylar?Areyouokay?”
“Youtoldmetocallyouanytime,andIknowyoudidn’treallymeanoneinthe

morning,butIjusthadadream.Idon’tknowifit’sthemedsorwhat,butitwassovivid.I
almostneededtocallyoutomakesureitdidn’treallyhappen.”

Forthefirsttimeallnight,Irelaxedenoughtogetintomybed.“Abaddream?”
“No.Itwasbeautiful.Wewere…havingsex,butitwasmorethanthat.ItwaswhatI

imagineditwouldfeellike.Itfeltsoreal,andIwisheditwere.Itmademerealizehowmuch
I—”

“Wait.Don’tsayit.Iloveyou,Skylar.Iloveyousomuch.Ishouldhavesaidita

milliontimesbefore.”

“IwasgonnasayitmademerealizehowmuchIneedtogetlaid,butthat’sreally…

wow.”

“Seriously?”
“No.”
“Youlittleshit.”Ibreathedintothephone.“Iloveyou.”
“Iloveyou,too,Mitch,somuchithurts.WhenIthinkaboutworst-casescenarios,out

ofeverything,it’sbeingseparatedfromyouthatscaresmethemost.”

Thetearswereburningmyeyes.“Skylar,listentome,okay?Ineedyoutoknowthat

I’mnotjustsayingthisbecauseI’mafraidorbecauseyou’resick.IneedyoutoknowthatI
havelovedyousincewewerekidswhenyoucalledmeoutforactinglikeanassholeandwere
thefirstpersonwhocaredenoughtotryandfigureoutthereasonwhy.Iloveyoubecause
youknowwhatIneedorwhatI’mthinkingbeforeIevendo.Iloveyoubecauseyoumakeme
laugheveryday,especiallyatmyself.IlovethewayyoulookatmelikeI’mtheonlypersonin
aroomfullofpeople.Ilovethewayyousmellandthewayyouwhimperwhenmylipsfirst
touchyours.I—”

“Mitch…Ialreadyknewyoulovedme,andIknewhowmuchitscaredyoutosaythose

words.Thewayyoulookatme,thewayyourheartbeatseverytimeyouholdme,whatyou
didtoyourhairforme…actionsspeaklouderthanwords,andyouhavebeenshowingme
howmuchyouloveme.That’swhatmatters.”

“IfeellikeIwon’tbeabletobreatheuntilyoucomehome.”
ThatdaywouldbefartherawaythanIcouldeverhaveanticipated.

***

Afterherfirstroundofchemoended,cancergaveusashortbreak.
Attheendofthatstretch,mypromrolledaroundandwhatwassupposedtobethe

mostspecialnightofourlives,wasanythingbut.

Shehadlookedsoangelicinawhitestraplessdress.HerfriendNinahadcomeallthe

wayfromBostontohelphergetready.

Everythingwasfineupuntilwedancedtoacertainslowsong,andthenhermood

dramaticallychangedfortherestofthenight.

Aftertheprom,onthewaytoanafterpartyatahotel,shemadeaconfessioninthe

limo.Shehadn’twantedtoruinournightandhadbeenholdingbacksomenews.That
morning,herdoctorhadtoldherthattestsshowedarecurrenceoftheLymphoma.

Ithadfeltlikemytiewaschokingme,andIrememberhavingtoundoitbecauseIfelt

likeIwasgonnahyperventilate.

Notagain.
Iendeduptakingherhome,anditturnedouttobeoneoftheworstnightsofmylife.
Thenextphasewasthelowestpointinhercancerjourney.Ahigherlevelofchemo

wasfollowedbyabonemarrowtransplant,whichmeantweeksofisolationandalong
recovery.

BythegraceofGod,hertestsfollowingthatprocedurewereclear,anditseemedto

havebeenasuccess.

Allinall,fromthetimeshewasfirstdiagnosed,ittooknearlytwoyearsbeforewe

wouldhaveherbackforgood.

Themonthsfollowingherreturnhomewerethebestofmylife.Likeaspringflower

blossomingafteralongseasonofrain,at18,Skylaremergedfromthathellsomewhat
changedbutstrongerandmorebeautifulthanever.

CHAPTER13

SKYLAR

Insomeways,recoveringfromcancerislikecominghomefromwar.You’renever

fullyabletoleaveitbehindbecausethethreatofgettingcalledbackalwaysseemstoloom.
Regardless,youhavetomoveonwithyourlife.

Italsochangedme.Materialthingswerenowinsignificant;justbeingalivewasgood

enough.Atthesametime,Iwaslearningtoliveagain,todeveloparoutinethatdidn’tinvolve
treatmentsortheresultingsideeffects.Yougetyourlifeback,butyoudon’treallyknowwhat
todowithit.Inabizarreway,thecancerhadbecomemynormal,andfreedomwasnow
foreigntome.

SincemyfatherhadarrangedfortutoringonthedaysIfeltuptoit,Ihadn’treally

fallentoofarbehindwhileinBrooklyn.WhenIreturnedhome,Iwasabletocontinueinthe
middleofmyjunioryearatSt.Clare’s.

Mitchwasaseniornow.Despitehissupportoverthecourseofmyillness,any

developmentofaphysicalrelationshiphadbeenonhold.Wewerealmostneveraloneduring
thattime.Eitherthat,orIwastoosicktoevenlookathim.

Now,itfeltlikeagiantpausebuttonhadbeenliftedonus.At19,Mitchwasso

physicallyattractivethatitwasalmostpainfultobearoundhimwithouttouching.Hisbody
wasripped,andhishairhadgrownbacklonger,wavyandbeautifulagain.Hestilloftenpiled
itunderthatfamiliarYankeescapbutnowsportedaconstantfiveo’clockshadowto
completethelook.Hisskinhadalsotannedfromworkinganewsidejobcuttinglawns.

Asforme,myhairwasnowshoulder-length,andIhadgainedmostoftheweightback.

Still,evenwithournewfoundfreedom,weweretakingthingsslow.Mitchhadn’tmadeany
moveseventhoughIknewhewantedto,andthatfrustratedme.Hewashandlingmewith
carebecauseofmyrecovery,butthatwasn’twhatIwanted.ItwaswhathethoughtIneeded.
ButwhatIneededwashim—intheworstway.Hiseyesalwaysbrimmedwithdesirewhenhe
lookedatme,andIcouldfeelhisresistancerunningthinnereachday.Itwasjustamatterof
time.

***

“Whenexactlyareyouplanningontellingher?”
MymotherandIweresupposedtobeatMitch’sfordinneratsix,butIhadarrived

early.Whileinthemidstofaprivateconversation,MitchandJanishadn’trealizedtheliving
roomwindowwasopen.Ileanedinclosertohear.

“Idon’tknow.”
“Mitch…thisisbig.Youshouldn’tkeepthisfromher.”
“Idon’twanttodiscussitrightnow,Mom.YouknowhowIfeel.Stoppressuringme.”
Thedialogstopped,andIassumedMitchhadgoneupstairs.
MychesttightenedinanxietyasIrangthedoorbell.
Janisopenedthedoor.“Oh…hi,honey.You’reearly.”
“Mymotherwantedmetoputthischickenpotpieinyouroven,soitwouldbenice

andhotwhenwesatdown.”

“Sure,comein.”IsmelledahintofgasolineandknewitwasfromMitchwhohadjust

returnedhomefromcuttingsomeone’sgrass.Shetookthepiefromme.“Mitchisupstairs.”

Iranupandheardtheshowerrunninginthebathroomoffthehallway,soIwaitedin

hisroom.

Pandoraradiowasstreamingfromhisphone,andSeamuswasboppinghisheadto

Rapper’sDelightbytheSugarHillGang.Thatwashisnewthing.Hewasreallyintomusic—
thatandwhistlingatmelately.

Whenthedooropened,Mitchwaswrappedinnothingbutasmall,whitetowel.

“Whoa.Ididn’tknowyouwerehere.Ialmostwalkedinstarknaked.”

MymouthwateredasImarveledathowmychildhoodfriendhadtransformedintoan

Adonis.Thetowelhuggedhisroundassperfectly.Dropletsofwaterrandownhiscut,tan
chest.Hiswethairwasslickbackandsexy.

Heraisedhisbrowatme,hisvoicelowandintentionallyseductive.“Likewhatyou

see?”

Iclearedmythroat.“Actually,Ido.”
Layoffthetruthserum,Skylar.
Hesmiledmischievouslyandlickedhislips.“Goodtoknow.”Hegrabbedashirtfrom

theclosetandthrewitonthechair.“You’reabouttoseeawholelotmoreifyoudon’tturn
around.”

MygazelingeredbeforeIreluctantlyturnedtowardthewindow.Istartedtoobsess

overtheconversationonthewayinuntilhisvoicesnappedmeoutofit.“Safe.”

HewasstillshirtlesswhenIturnedbackaround.Thiswasnotsafeatall.Hiswhite

underwearpeekedthroughthetopofhispants,andwhenIlookeddown,Inoticedathintrail
ofhairleadingdowntothearousalstrainingagainsthisjeans.

Hewalkedtowardme,pulledmeupintoastandingpositionandleanedintome,his

hoterectionpressingintomystomach.

Ourlipswerealmosttouching.Iwasthrobbingbetweenmylegswhenhegripped

someofthematerialofmyskirt,andhishotbreathtickledmymouth.“Ilikethewayyou
werelookingatme.Actually,it’smademealittlecrazy.It’slikeyouwereeye-fuckingme.It
makesmewanttojust—”

Thedoorburstopen,andwebothjumped.
“Well,well,well,whatdowehavehere?”Daveystoodinthedoorway,eatingoutofa

bagofCheetos.“Wereyoutwojustabouttogetitonwiththatpervybirdbouncinghishead,
lookingon?”

Seamuswasstillrockingout,thistimetoLowRiderbyWar.
Iwaspanting,stillshockedandturnedonbyMitch’ssuddenaggressionanddirtytalk.
Mitchlookedfrustratedandthrewaredt-shirtoverhishead.Hesaidthroughgritted

teeth,“WhatbringsyoubyDavey?”

Daveymadehimselfcomfortableonthebed,wipinghischeese-powderedfingerson

hisbaggy,blackpants.“IhadaninterestingconversationwithprincipalShiptonthis
afternoon.HeaskedmeifIhadheardtheamazingnewsaboutmyfriend.Congratulations
areinorder,man.Howcouldyounothavetoldme?”

Mitchshookhishead,silentlyurgingDaveytostoptalking.
IturnedtoMitch.“What’sgoingon?”
HewasgivingDaveytheevileye.“Nothing.”
“Dude,don’tbeshy.Youshouldbedamnproud.”
Mitchstayedsilent,soIturnedtoDavey.“Proudofwhat?”
“Mitchhere…gothimselfafullridetoBostonUniversity.”
Myheartbeatfasterwitheverypassingsecondastheinformationsetin.“What?”

Davey’seyeswidened.“Afullfour-yearscholarship!Someold,richCrestviewalumset

itup,andtheygrantittothegraduatewiththehighestGPAeveryyear.Thisyear,itwas
Mitchy!”

Myjawdropped,andIlookedoveratMitch.“Howlonghaveyouknownaboutthis?”
Hisearswereturningred.“Notlong.”
IfeignedhappinesseventhoughIwasfreakingoutinside.“Thisisamazing.Ihadno

idea.Imean,IknewyourgradesweregoodbutthehighestGPA?”

Hehadavacantlookinhiseyes.“Ihadnoclueeithertobehonest.”
Istartedtofeellightheadedbutcontinuedtoputonabraveface.“Boston.Wow.Ican’t

believethis.Youaccepted,right?”

Hebithislipanddidn’tsayanything.
“Mitch?”
Mitchshutoffthemusicthathadbeenplaying,andSeamussquawkedinprotest.

“Dave,canyouleaveSkylarandmealoneforaminute?”

Daveyhuffed,crumpledhisCheetosbagandwentdownstairs.
Whenthedoorshut,themoodsuddenlybecameextremelytense.Youcouldhave

heardapindrop.Thetormentedlookinhispiercingeyesnearlyundidme.“I’mnotgoingto
acceptit.”

“What?Areyoucrazy?”
“Ican’t.”
“ThisiswhatyouandyourmotherwerearguingaboutwhenIwasatthedoor.”
“Bostonisfivehoursaway.I’dbegoneforfouryears.Doyouunderstandthat?Four

years.Ijustfuckinggotyouback.I’mnotleavingyou.”

Itfeltlikealloftheairleftmybody.Thefactthathewaspreparedtothrowawaythis

opportunitytobenearmewasoverwhelming.

“You’reconsideringgivingupyourfuture…becauseofme?”
Heputhishandsonmyshoulders.“Youaremyfuture.It’snotliketherearen’tany

collegeshere.”

“Nonethatwillgiveyouafullride,nonethatareBostonUniversity!Holycrap,

Mitch…youhavetotakeit.Imaginealifewithnocollegedebtloomingoveryou,andBUisan
awesomeschool.”

Helookeddownathisbarefeet.“Youdon’tunderstand.Thisisnotupfordebate.I’ve

alreadymadeupmymind.”

“Wereyouevengoingtotellme?”
“Idon’tknow.Iknewyou’dtrytoconvincemetoacceptit.”
“Convinceyou?Mitch…youAREacceptingit.You’restandingheretellingmeyou’re

turningdowntheopportunityofalifetimeforme.Iwouldhavetolivewiththatfortherest
ofmylife.You’vealreadygivenupsomuchoverthepasttwoyearsforme.Youwilltake
this…becausetherewillbenoyouandmeifyoudon’t.Iamnotgonnastandbyandwatch
youruinyourlifeandusemeastheexcuse.”

Hisfaceturnedcrimsoninanger.“Skylar,doyouunderstandwhatyou’reaskingmeto

do?I’dbegone.Wewouldonlyseeeachotheronceinawhile.Weweresupposedtofinally
gettobetogethernow.Iwantthatsobadly.”

“We’dseeeachotheronbreaksandsomeweekends.”
“Butitwon’tbethesame.”
No,itwouldn’t.
“Wecanmakeitwork.We’restrongerthandistance.”

Hebeganplayingwiththebuttononmydress,lostinthought.“Idon’tfeelgoodabout

this.SomethingatthepitofmystomachistellingmegoingtoBostonwouldbethewrong
decision.Ifuckingmissyoualready,andyou’restandingrightinfrontofme.”

Hearinghimsaythathadcausedmetobreakdown.Ihadnowords,soIreachedover

tohughim.Hisbeatingheartpoundedagainstmyown,whichfeltlikeithadbeenturned
insideout.

Amillionthoughtsracedthroughmymind.Thethoughtofhimlivinginadormwitha

bunchofhornygirlsmademeshudder.MaybeIwouldtellhimtostay.No.Thiswashis
future.Hewouldnevergetanopportunitylikethisagain.

Hespokeintomyneck.“Iknowacceptingthisscholarshipistherightthingtodoon

paper,buttheonlythingthatfeelsrightisstayingwithyou.”

Iknow.ButIstillcouldn’tlethimdoit.
“Iwon’tletyouturnitdown.Iwon’tlivewiththatguilt.”
“You’resayingyouwon’tbehereformeifIstay?Don’tyouloveme?”
“I’mdoingthisbecauseIloveyou.”
Thatnight,afterfurtherambushbyourmothersatdinner,Mitchreluctantlyagreedto

acceptthescholarship.

***

ThesummerbeforeMitchwassettomovetoBostonwentbywaytoofast.Despitea

badfeelinggnawingatme,IneverlethimseethatIwashavingdoubtsaboutpushinghim
away.Ifheknewhowsaditwasreallymakingme,he’dneverleave.Mitchworkedhard.He
deservedthatscholarship.Iwasn’tgoingtofuckitup.

Thatmeantcontrollingmyselfaroundhim,notallowingthingstogoanyfurtherthan

kissing.Boy,didwekissalotthatsummer,tothepointwhereIcouldfeelhislipsonmeat
anygivenmomentevenwhenhewasnowhereinsight.

He’dgrabmethesecondI’dwalkintohisroom,andwe’djustgetlostineachother’s

mouthsforminutesonend.He’dbehardasarock,andIwouldbewet,butdespiteour
animalisticattraction,wenevertookitanyfurther.Weseriouslyshouldhavewonanaward
forourresilience.Ithinkdeepdown,heknewitwouldcomplicatethings.Thekissingwas
intense,though.

Therewasonlyonetimethatwealmostslipped.Mitchhadrunhispalmovermy

breast,squeezingithardwhilehekissedme.Ialmostcamefromthatsensationalone,buthe
stoppeditbeforethingswenttoofar.HeknewjustaswellasIdidthatifweendeduphaving
sex,wewouldn’thavebeenabletoleteachothergo.Maybeifwesurvivedthefirstsemester
apart,I’dfeelmoreconfidentabouttakingthatstep.

Whatalsohelpedkeepthingsincheck:I’donlygooverhishousewhenJaniswas

home.Mybodywasinaconstantstateofarousal,andIknewwiththefirstopportunitytobe
alone,wewouldgiveupcontrol.

Acertaincampingtripattheendofthesummerprovedthat.

***

Itallstartedwithsomebignews:Daveyhadagirlfriendforthefirsttimeinhislife.

HernamewasZena,andshewaslikeafemaleversionofhim:stalkywithdreadlocksexcept
herswerestrawberryblonde.TheymetataStarWarsconventionandrealizedtheylivedtwo
milesapart.Wewereallhappyforhimbecausehewasnolongertheperpetualfifthwheel.

DaveyhadthisideatotakeZenatoacampsiteinLakeGeorge,NewYorkforher

birthday.HisgrandfatherhadgivenhimthekeystothefamilyRV,andheinvitedMitch,
myself,AngieandCodytotagalong.

TheRVwasolder,hadafull-sizebedallthewayinthebackandseatingwith1980’s

plaidupholsteryoneachsideinthemiddle.Therewasasmallkitchenareajustbeforethe
bedroom.

ItwasaweekbeforeMitchwouldbeleavingforBoston,andiftheridetoLakeGeorge

wereanindicationofhowthetripwouldgo,Iwasintrouble.

Mitchsatnexttomeformostoftheride,andtheheatfromhislegthatwaspractically

gluedtomineradiatedthroughoutmybody.

Hesqueezedmythigh.“Areyouexcitedtogocamping?”
“Yeah…you?”
Insteadofresponding,hetookmybottomlipintohismouth,suckingonithardbefore

slowlyreleasingit.“I’mexcitedtogocampingwithyou.”Mybodywentlimp.

CodywasplayinghisguitarwhileAngieandZenasangalongwithhimtoBlowin’in

theWind.Davey,whowasdriving,usedtheopportunitytopointoutthat“blowin”wasa
preludetohisplannedactivitieswithZenalater.

Mitchwhisperedinmyear,“Whatthehelliswiththismusicanyway?My

grandmotherusedtolistentothis.Peter,PaulandMary,Ithink…exceptCodysoundslikethe
Mary.”

Hekeptmakingmelaughasweheldhands.WhenheleftourseattogiveDaveya

breakatthewheel,Imovedupfront.Ihadn’tevenwantedtobeawayfromhimfor30
minutes.HowwasIsupposedtohandlehimgoingawayforfouryears?Mystomachturned
atthemerethought.

He’dglanceoveratmewhiledriving,andI’dmelt.Thesunlightmadehisalreadyblue

eyesglowintoanaquamarinecolor.Hereachedformyhand.“Ican’twaittospendtimewith
myfavoritegirl.”

Daveyoverheardandcracked,“There’sonlyonebed.ZenaandIhavedibs.Youtwoare

gonnahavetoshaginthewoods.”

“Shutthefuckup,Davey.”IhadneverheardhimsnapsoangrilyatDaveybefore.“I’m

sorry,”hewhisperedtomebeforereturninghiseyestotheroad.Mitchwasseriouslypissed.

IfheonlyrealizedhowturnedonIwasatthethoughtofhimtakingmeinthewoods.
Angiesnuckupbehindusandtookapictureofourentwinedhandsthendisappeared.
Whenwefinallyarrivedinthemiddleoftheafternoon,theguyssetuptwotentsand

startedtogrillhotdogsandhamburgers.Ihadbroughtanangelfoodcakeanddresseditwith
whippedcreamandfreshberries.

Wethrewsomeblanketsonthegroundandhadapicniconthedewygrass.There

wasn’tacloudinthesky,andagentlebreezeblewaroundournapkins.

Zenameantwellwhensheasked,“AreyouallsetforBoston,Mitch?”
Beforeanswering,helookedatmewithsadnessinhiseyes.“Notreally.”
Igavehimasympatheticsmile.
Whentheotherswereinvolvedinanargumentaboutsleepingarrangements,helifted

hisindexfingerpromptingmetocomecloser.“Youhavewhippedcreamonyourmouth.”
BeforeIcouldrespond,hepulledmyponytailslowlytowardhimandslidhishottongue
acrossmylips.“Mmm,”hegroanedbeforekissingmedeeply.Thesugarysweetnessmixed
withthetasteofhimdrovemecrazy.IwonderedhowIwasgoingtosurvivethisnight.

Myfocusturnedbacktotheconversation.IheardAngiesay,“ButCodycan’tfitinthe

tent.Hislegswouldbehangingout.He’dgetattackedbyasnakeinthemiddleofthenight.”

“Alright.Let’ssettlethisshitonceandforall.Mitch,givemeyourhat,”Daveysaid.

MitchtookoffhisYankeescapandhandeditover.Theflattenedhairunderneathwassexyas

hell.

“We’regonnadrawaname.Whichevercoupleispickedgetsthebedinside.Theothers

takethetents.”

Herippedpartsofaflierandwrotedownthenamesbeforethrowingthemintothe

hat,shakingitanddrawingone.“AngieandCody…shit.”

Codyhigh-fivedAngie,andZenapouted.
Mitchnudgedmeplayfullywithhisshoulder.“Youandmeinatent,huh?”
Iswallowednervously.Iwantedhimsobadlybutknewitwouldonlycauseproblems

forhim.

Angiestoodup.“Let’sgoswimminginthelakebeforesundown.”
ThegirlsretreatedintotheRVtochangeintoourbathingsuits.Iworeamulti-colored

stringbikinithatshowedoffmyassets.

Backoutside,MitchsmiledwhenIapproachedwithmytowelinhand.Hewasstill

wearingbeigecargoshortsbuthadtakenoffhisshirt.

Hisgazeslowlydescendeddownthelengthofmybodyandgavemechills.“Wow.I

likeyourbathingsuit.”

Ipokedhisabswithmyfinger,andtheyfeltlikegranite.“Who’seye-fuckingwho

now?”

Hespokeintomyear.“Youcanfeelthat,huh?I’meye-fuckingyousohardrightnow.

You’resmokin’.”

Hiswordsalonemademeinstantlywet.“Thanks.Soareyou.”
Mitchkissedmynose.“I’mgonnahelpDaveycloseupthebarbecue.Goahead,andI’ll

meetyouthere?”

“Okay.”
Onthewaytothewater,Angiestartedgrillingme.“So…tonight?”
“No.Noway.”
“Whynot?Skylar,thatdude’sballsarelikebeyondblue,they’relike—”
“Blackandblue,”Zenachimedin.
Angielaughed.“Right?Hewantsyoubad.Youhavetoknowthat.”
“Ofcourse,Ido.Thefeeling’smutual,butit’snothappeningrightbeforehe’saboutto

leave.”

Zenastoppedinhertracks.“Ihearya,butdoyoureallywanthimturnedon,

unsatisfiedandunleashedonabunchofsex-starvedvulturesnextweek?Youneedtotake
careofhimsoherememberswhathehaswaitingforhimathome.”

Ihadn’tthoughtaboutitthatway.
Ibecameriddledwithanxiety.ZenaandAngiewentinthewaterwhileIwaitedona

blanketforMitch.Breathingintheearthysmellofthelake,Ibecamelostinthoughtwhile
watchingthedarkbluewaterripplingasthesunreflecteduponit.

Amalevoiceemergedfromjusttotherightofme.“MindifIjoinyou?”
“Um…actually,I’m—”
“I’mLogan.”Hestuckouthishandandflashedasmile.
Loganwasgood-lookingwithshortblondehairandatonedphysique.
“Hi.”Ishookhishand.
“AbunchofmyfriendsandIareherevisitingfromWesternMassachusetts.Isawyou

sittinghereandthoughtI’dcomesayhello,findoutwhereyou’refrom.”

“Hello.”
“Areyouherewithanyone?”

“Yeah,actually,I’m—”
“She’sherewithme.”
Mitch’svoicewasgruff,andhewasgivingLoganadirtylookwhenIturnedaround.
“Oh…mybad,man.”Loganstoodup.“You’realuckyguy.Yourgirlfriendhereisa

beauty,”hesaidbeforejoggingbackovertohisfriends.

Mitchwasquietwhenhejoinedmeontheblanket.Hisearswerered,andhelooked

irate.

“I’msorryaboutthat,”Isaid.
“Why?Youshouldn’tbe.Hewasright.Youareabeauty.ButI’mnotreallyaluckyguy,

amI?I’mleavinginafewdays,andyou’renotreallymine.”

“Ofcourse,Iam.”
“Thetruthis…”HepointedovertoLogan.“Thatrighttherewasasneakpeakintomy

biggestnightmare.”

“Nightmare?”
“Yeah.Youandmymom,pressuringmetotakethatscholarship…youdon’trealizeit

now,butwhenI’mgone,you’llgetlonely.Youcan’tunderstandthatnowbecauseI’mstill
here,butthere’sgoingtocomeadaywhenyou’regonnaresentmeforleaving.Onenight,
someshitheadisgonnamoveinatjusttherighttime,andI’mgonnaloseyou.”

“That’snottrue.”
“Canyoupromiseme?”
Thepleadinglookinhisbeautifuleyeswassointense,sovulnerable,ittoredownall

ofmyresolve.“Ipromise.I’mscared,too,okay?”

Insteadofresponding,hereachedouthishand,liftedmeupintohisarmsandran

withmetowardthelake,dumpingmein.Splashing,kissingandenjoyingeverysecondwith
eachother,weplayedinthewateruntilthesunwentdown.

Afterdinneronthebarbecue,everyonesataroundabonfire,makingS’mores.Ithad

gottenchillyout,andIwasstillinmybathingsuit,soIwrappedmyselfinamustyblanket
fromtheRV.Someoftheothercampersjoinedus,anditwaslikeapartywithCodyplaying
guitarandpeopletakingturnssinging.

Mitchwasquiet,distancinghimselfacrossthefirefromme.Throughthecrackleof

theflamesandtheflyingembers,Ifelttheweightofhisstare.

Then,myphonevibrated.

Maybeweshouldsleepinseparatetentstonight.
Skylar:Ifthat’swhatyouthinkisbest.
Mitch:Iwanttodoverybadthingstoyou.
Skylar:Ok,thenstayaway.
Mitch:Isthatwhatyouwant?
Skylar:No.
Mitch:Fuck.Ihavenowillpower.
Skylar:16-year-oldMitchhadatonofwillpower.
Mitch:19-year-oldMitchisahornybastardwhodoesn’tgiveafuckanymore.
Hejustwantsyou.Areyouokaywiththat?
Skylar:Tryme.
Mitch:Idowanttotryyou,alittletoomuchrightnow.
MyheartpoundedinanticipationofwhatIwasabouttotype.
Skylar:Showme.
Mitch:I’mleavinginlessthanaweek.Doyouevenknowwhatyou’reasking

for?
Skylar:Yes.

Then,hesuddenlygotupwithoutsayinganythingandwalkedintotheRV.Iwantedto

followhimbutwasn’tsureifthatwashisintention.Hemighthavejustbeenrunningaway
fromme.Iwaited.Then,hetextedme.

Thatwasyourcuetofollowme.
Icouldn’thelpbutlaughatmystupidityasIstoodup.Mypulsewasracing.Our

friendswereallpreoccupiedwithCody’ssingingandhadn’tnoticedmesneakingaway.When
IenteredtheRV,itwasdarkexceptforasmalllightinthekitchenettearea.

Mitchwassittinginoneoftheseatsandleaningintohiselbows.Thetoneofhishusky

voicegavemechills.“Lockthedoor.”

Iwalkedbackovertothesteeringwheelandpressedtheautomaticlockbutton.The

curtainswerealreadyclosed.

Myconfidencewhiletextinghaddisappearednowthatwewerealone.Myheartwas

hammeringagainstmychestwhenIturnedandsawtherawdesireinhiseyes.“Don’tbe
nervous.Comehere.”

Istoodinfrontofhimashestayedseated.Chillsrusheddownmyspinelikedominos

ashepulledmeslowlytowardhimandsoftlykissedmytorso.Hekepthismouthonmyskin
thenreachedupandstuckoneofhisfingersundermybathingsuitstrap,lightlytuggingatit.
“Takethisoff.”

Mynipplestingled.Itwasuncharacteristicofhimtobesodirect,butmaybethiswas

whathewaslikeinthebedroom.Itturnedmeon.Ilovedhorny19-year-oldMitch.

Iundidthetieatthetopofmybikinithenunhookedthebackandletitfalltothe

ground.

Hislipsparted,andheletoutaslightgaspatthesightofmybarechest.“Ijustwantto

lookatyouforalittlebit.Isthatokay?”

“Yes.”
Mynipplesweresohardthattheyactuallyhurt.Goosebumpscoveredmychestashe

staredatmewithalust-filledexpression.ItwastorturebecauseIwantedtobetouched.

Finally,hecircledthepalmofhishandgentlyacrossmyrightbreastandthenmyleft.

Hisbreathingwasuneven,andhisstrikingblueeyeswereglassy,almostlikehewasina
daze.

“They’remoreperfectthanIcouldhaveeverimagined.”
Ishivered.“Thankyou.”
Hesqueezedthemtogether.Iclosedmyeyesandsuddenlyfeltthehotwetnessofhis

mouthashelickedalineupthemiddleandsuckedmyleftnipple.Hetookturnslickingand
suckingandthenmovedtotherightone.

Whenhebegantosuckharder,mybreathingbecameerratic.Ihaddreamtofthis,but

nothingcomparedtotherealityofhishotmouthfeastingonmybody.

“YoulikeitwhenIsuckithardlikethat?”
Iwantedhismoutheverywhere.“Uh-huh.”
Igrippedhisbeautiful,shinyhairandpulledhimharderintomychest.Moisture

startedtopoolbetweenmylegs.

“You’resweeterthananythingI’veevertasted.Iwanttotasteeveryinchofyou

tonight.Willyouletme?”

Iwhispered,“Yes.”
“Ifyouwantmetostop,justtellme,okay?”

Inodded.Myentirebodywasbuzzinginanticipation,everynerveendinghyperaware

thatsomethingmajorwasabouttohappen.

Hishandssliddownmysidesandgraspedthematerialofmybikinibottom.“Iwantto

takethisoff.”

“Yes.”
Heslowlysliditdown,andIsteppedoutofit,completelynaked.Hegroanedthrough

histeeth,“Fuckinghell.I’mharderthanI’veeverbeenjustlookingatyou.”

“Please…touchme,”Ibegged.
“Iwanttodomorethantouchyou.”
Iclosedmyeyesthesecondhisfingersbeganrubbingagainstmyclit.Ihadplayed

withmyselfbefore,butnothingcomparedtothefeelofhisbigroughhandonme.

Mitch’seyesweregluedtothesightofhisfingersrubbingbetweenmylegs.Whenhe

slowlyslippedtwooftheminsideofme,heletoutalong,shakybreath.“Holyshit.”Hejust
keptlookingathisfingersmovingslowlyinandoutofme.“Ilovehowwetyouare.Nothing
haseverturnedmeonlikethis.”

Ilookeddownathiscockstrainingthroughhisboardshortsandstartedtoruboverit

ashecontinuedtofingerme.Assoonasmyhandtoucheddownonhim,hisbreathing
becamelabored.Ilovedseeinghimlosecontrol.

Hesuddenlywithdrewhisfingersfrommythrobbingsex.“Sitonme,”hesaidgruffly.
Iclimbedontopandwrappedmylegsaroundhim.Hewasstilldressed,andIwas

completelynakedashepushedmedownonhim.HetookmynippleintohismouthasI
gyratedoverhim.Thethinmaterialofhisshortsmeantitdidn’tfeellikemuchwas
separatingmefromhishoterection.Icouldn’tgetenoughandkeptbearingdownharderand
faster.

“Fuuuck…Skylar.Slowdown.”
Icouldn’tstop.Heleanedbackwithhiseyesclosedinecstasy,guidingmybodyover

himwithhishandsonmywaist.Suddenly,Ifeltmyownorgasmunexpectedlyrisingtothe
surface.“OhmyGod.I’mgonnacome.”

Hepushedmedownonhimharder.“Come,baby.”
Hearinghimsaythatpushedmeovertheedge.Whenmyclimaxpulsatedthroughme,

Ilostallinhibitionandsaid,“I’mcomingalloveryourdick.”

Afterafewseconds,heyelled,“Shit!”andsuddenlypushedmeoffofhim.“Fuck.”
Iwasstandingupnow.“What’swrong?”
Heputhisheadinhishands.“I’msorry.Whenyousaidthat—thatyouwerecomingall

overmydick—Ilostit.Ifriggin’came.Ididn’twantittoseepthrough.That’stheonlyreason
Ipushedyouofflikethat.”

Icoveredmymouth.“That’sokay.”
“That’sneverhappenedtomebefore.”
“Iguess19-year-oldMitchisalsosensitivetodirtytalk?”
Heshookhisheadindisbelief.“Thatrightthere…wasmorelike13-year-oldMitch.”
Webothbrokeoutinlaughter.“Letmegochangerealquick,”hesaid.
HewalkedtothebackoftheRVandreturnedwithanewsetofshorts,buthehad

takenhisshirtoff.Iranmyindexfingeralongthethinlineofhairthattraileddownhis
washboardstomach,disappearingintohisunderwearline.

Hepulledmeintoadeepkissasmyheartracedagainsthisrockhardchest.Iwasstill

fullynakedandcouldfeelthathewasalreadyhardagain.Heplayfullybitmybottomlip,
squeezingmyassandwhisperedovermylips.“Whathaveyoudonetome?”

“Whatdoyoumean?”
“I’venevercomeinmypantsinmyentirelife,andnotonlyamIhardagain,butit

neverevenwentdown.Iwantyousobadly.There’sapartofmethatwantstobegentlewith
youbutabiggerpartthatjustwantstotakewhatI’vebeendyingtohaveforyears.”

“Takeit.It’syours.It’salwaysbeenforyou.”

CHAPTER14

MITCH

Holyshit.Takeit.Thosewordsunraveledme.BloodrushedthroughmycockasIlifted

herupandwrappedherlegsaroundme,backingherintothecounter.

Wehadbeenthroughsomuchtogether,notallofitgood.Truthbetold,endingupin

thisRVwithanakedandreadySkylarurgingmetodowhateverIpleasedmadeitall
worthwhile.

Itwasdark,soIturnedontheoverheadkitchenlight,needingtoseeeveryinchofher

gorgeousbody.

WhatIwantedfirstwassomethingIhadneverdone.Withher,Icraveditmorethan

anything.

HerassrestedonthecounterasIspreadherlegsopen,andshegaspedwhenIlowered

myheadinbetweenthem.IknewshelovedhowIkissedhermouth,soImimickedthose
movesonhersoftmound:opening,closing,lickingandsuckingonherwithreckless
abandon.

Witheverysoundthatescapedfromher,mydickthrobbed,readytocomethefirst

instanceIallowedit.

Inbetweenbreaths,shesaid,“Yourmouth…itfeels…so…good.”
“I’veneverdonethisbefore.Thisisonlyforyou.”
WhenIbeganflickingmytongueoverherclit,shewrithedunderme.Gettingtotaste

herandknowingitwasalsodrivinghermadwasthesinglemostarousingexperienceofmy
life.Icontinuedpressingdownonherswollenbudwithmytongue.

Iwantedtoseeherface,soIstoppedforasecond.Shewassqueezingherbreasts

together,hereyesclosed.So.Fucking.Hot.

Islippedtwoofmyfingersinsideofhertightopeningandwatchedinamazementas

shestartedtofuckmyhand.Shemayhavebeenavirgin,butsheknewhowtomoveherbody
togetexactlywhatshewanted.Iwaspainfullyhard,temptedtoreplacemyfingerswithmy
cock,nowoozingwithprecum.

Ipulledmyfingersoutofher.Whenmymouthreturnedtoherentrance,shemoaned

likeshehadbeenstarvingforitsreturn,digginghernailsintothebackofmyhead.Suddenly,
shestartedtoquakebeneathme.Shewascoming,andIconsumedeverybitofherpulsating
orgasm,devouringherlikemylifedependedoneverylastdropofheressence.Forthefirst
time,myownsoundsofpleasurewerelouderthanhers,andIkeptgoingatitlongaftershe
came.

Finally,Irestedmyheadonherstomachuntilshepulledmeupwardstokissher.The

factthatshecouldtasteherselfonmytonguemademecrazy.

Shewrappedherarmsaroundme.“Thatwasincredible.”
“I’msoscrewed.Iwanttodothattoyoueverydaynow,andI’mfuckingleaving.”
Sheputherhandovermymouth.“Let’sjustforgetaboutthattonight.”
Ikissedherforehead.“Okay,baby.”
“Saythatagain.Callmebaby.”
“Iloveyou,baby.”
“Iloveyou,too.”Hermouthspreadintoawidegrin.“Especially,whenyoucallme

baby.”

Itickledherside.“You’vealwaysbeenmybabyevenwhenIdidn’thavetheballstosay

it.”

“Mitch?”
Ikisseddownherneck.“Yeah?”
“Iwanttomakeyoucome,too,makeyoufeelthewayyoujustmademe.”
Hell.Yes.
“Evenjustpleasuringyoualonemademybodyfeelthingsitneverhasbefore.That

beingsaid,Ican’twaitto—”

TherewasabangingknockatthedoorthenDavey’svoice.“I’mreallysorry,butIhave

totakeashit.”

Fuck.
“Onesecond!”Iyelled.
WescurriedtograbSkylar’sclothes.Whileshegotdressed,Icouldn’tkeepmyeyesoff

her:thewayherbreastsbouncedwhenshepulledhershirtoverherhead,thelittleblue
thongsheslidupherthighs.Ilickedmylips,savoringthetasteofherasIwatched.

Igrabbedafewblankets,apillowandalanternthenunlockedthedoor.
Daveypracticallytrampledus.“Thanksfortakingyoursweettime.Ijustsharted.”
Backoutside,wesnuckpasteveryonestillsittingaroundthebonfire.
“Whichoneisours?”sheasked.
“Thatone.Comeon.”
Wecrawledinsidethetent,andsheimmediatelystraddledme,lookinglikeanangel

glowinginthelanternlight.Thehornybeastinsidewantedtoburyhimselfinsideofherright
thenandtheredespiteourfriendsbeingjustfeetaway.

Butshedeservedbetter.
“Skylar,listentome.”
Shegentlybitatmyneck.“Mmmhmm.”
“IwantyoumorerightnowthanI’veeverwantedanything.”
“Icanfeelthat.”
“But…I…justcan’ttakeyourvirginityinacrampedtenttothesoundsofabunchof

drunkpeopledoingkaraoke.Youmeantoomuchtome.”

“Idon’tcarewhereweareaslongasmyfirsttimeiswithyou.”
Ikissedherhardbeforepullingback.“Ireallydidn’tthinkyouweregonnaletmeget

thisfar,soIdidn’tbringanyprotection,partlytoguaranteeI’dkeepitinmypants.Iwas
wronginthinkingIcouldcontrolmyself.”

“WhataboutDavey?Doeshehaveanything?”
“HetoldmeZena’sonthepill.”
“SoisAngie.Shit.”
“Yeah.”
Shelookedtrulysad.“IntheRV,IhadmadeupmymindthatIwantedittobetonight.

Now,IfeellikeIneedyouinsideofme.”

Thiswaskillingme.
Ipressedmyhardnessupagainsther.“Iwantthattoo,morethanmynextbreath.You

havenoidea.”Ilickedalinefromthebaseofhernecktoherlips.“Butthereareotherthings
wecando.”

Shekissedme.“Likewhat?”
Iwhisperedoverherlips,“Everythingbut.”

Herhandsliddowntomycrotch.“Iwanttoseeyou.”
Ikneeledupontomyknees,unzippedmyshortsandslowlypulledthemdown.Her

eyeslandedontheerectionstrainingthroughmyboxerbriefs.

“Takeoffyourskirt.”
ShedidasIaskedandtookhershirtofftoo.Mydicktwitchedatthesightofherin

nothingbutthatbabybluethong.

“Fuck,Skylar.YouwanttoseehowmuchIwantyou?”
Shelickedherlips.“Yes.”
Iloweredmyboxersandmyengorgedcocksprungforward.
Shestareddownsilentlywithalookofawethenfinallysaid,“Wow.You’re…big,bigger

thanIeverimagined.”

“I’mharderthanIeverimagined.Andthat’sjustfromlookingatyou.Ican’tfathom

whatitwouldbelikeinsideyou.”

“CanItouchyou?”
Thatquestionalonemademoisturebeadatmytip.
Isoundedtortured.“I’mdyingforyoutotouchme.”
Shewrappedherdelicatehandaroundmyshaftandbegantostrokeitgently.“Does

thatfeelgood?”

Ibentmyheadback.“Hell,yes.”
“Tellmehowyoulikeit.”
“Lickyourhandthenstrokemeharder.”
IfeltlikeIwasdirectingthemovieversionofmywildestfantasy.
Sheslowlylickedacrossherpalmbeforeplacingitbackonme,twistingandpulling.I

closedmyeyes,imaginingthatitwasherpussyandnearlycame.Shecircledherthumbover
thewetnessatmytip,spreadingitaroundasalubricant.

Asifshecouldreadmymind,shesaid,“Iwanttoseeyoucome.”
“Areyousure?”
“Yes.”
“Okay,baby.Justkeepdoingthat.Don’tstop.”
Shestrokedmeharderandwithinseconds,hotcumspurtedoutalloverherhand.She

continuedmilkingmewithalookofwonderonherfaceuntiltherewasnothingleft.

Afterwecleanedourselvesoff,Iputmyunderwearbackon,andshestayedshirtlessin

herthong.Iwasstillperpetuallyhard.

Welaydowntogetherforawhilewithnoconceptoftime.Sincethesoundofcrickets

replacedthechaosoutside,Iassumeditwasaftermidnight.

Myheadrestedonherchest.Sheplayedwithmyhairandsaid,“AsmuchasIwas

tryingtokeepitfromhappening,itfeelsamazingbeingwithyoulikethis.”

“Insomeways,thestuffwe’vedonetonighthasbeenhotterandmoreintimatethan

sexforme,youknow,comingupwithuniquewaystopleaseeachother.”

“I’llneverforgetthisnightaslongasIlive.”
“Yourfirsttimeisgonnabeevenmoreunforgettable.I’malreadyplanningitinmy

head.We’llgosomewhereovernight,somewherereallynicewithcandles,roses,thewhole
nine,andI’mgonnamakelovetoyouallnightlong.”

“Iwishwedidn’thavetowait.Iwantyounow,butIknowwecan’t.”
Thethoughthadcrossedmymindtochanceitwithoutprotection.That’showbadly

theurgetotakeherwas.Intheend,Ijustcouldn’triskit.Still,theneedtofeelhersomehow
wouldn’tgoaway.Ihadanidea.

“Turnover.”
Whensheturnedaround,Igentlyrubbedmyhandalongherbackside.“I’mgonnatake

offyourthong,okay?”

“Yes,”shesaid.
Ipulleditdownslowlyandslippeditoffherfeet.Then,withoutmyasking,shegoton

allfours,displayingherperfectlysmooth,tightass.Mydickswelledtofullcapacityina
matterofseconds.

Ifthatwasn’tthehottestthingI’deverseen…
Thereflectionfromthelanternformedashadowofherlithesilhouettealongtheside

ofthetent,animageI’dneverforget.

Ipulledmyunderweardownandrubbedmycockalongthetopofherass.Herbody

immediatelytensed.Ibentdownandwhispered,“Don’tworry…I’mnotgoin’there.Relax,
baby.”

Herbackshookinlaughter.Sheturnedaroundandsmiled.“I’dletyoudoanything

youwanted,youknow.”

Fuck.Me.
“Ijustwantustofeeleachotherskintoskin.Likethis.”ShemoanedasIslidmyslick

shaftbackandforthacrosstheslitofherass,grippinghercheeksaroundmylength.Mylegs
trembledfromtheintensityofthesensation.Everysinglethingwetriedtonighttoppedthe
last.

Shepanted.“Thatfeelssogood.”
ItfeltlikeIwasinatrancewhenImutteredundermybreath,“Ican’twaittofuck

you.”

Whenshestartedtotouchherself,itnearlyputmeovertheedge.Westayedlikethat

forminutes,andwhensheabruptlyscreamedoutinpleasure,Ilostit,myhotrelease
eruptingalloverherback.

AfterIcleanedheroff,Ilaydownnexttoher,breathinginherscentmixedwiththe

vaguesmelloftheredsprucetreejustoutside.“Ican’tgetenoughofyou.It’salmost
morning.Wehaven’tsleptawink.”

“Icansleepwhenyou’reinBoston,Mitch.”
Icradledhernakedbody,feelingpossessiveandneedyatthementionofmy

impendingdeparture.“Promisemethatyou’llalwaysbelongtome,Skylar.PromisemeI’llbe
yourfirstandyourlast.Ineedtogoawayknowingthat.”

Sheturnedaround,lookingsuddenlydevastatedattherealizationthatIwasactually

leaving.“Ipromise.”

Thosewordswouldhauntmelater.
IwouldhavedonesomanythingsdifferentlyifIknewthatthenightinthetentwould

beallI’dhavetoclingto.NotmakinglovetoSkylarwhenIhadthechancewouldbecomemy
biggestregret.Well…mysecondbiggestregret.

CHAPTER15

SKYLAR

“Turnaround,youdirtybird.”SeamuswhistledatmeasIchangedoutofmyclothes.

HelivedwithmenowthatMitchwasawayatschool.

Thingsjustweren’tthesamehere.NotevenmytimeinBrooklynhadbeenasdifficult

assayinggoodbyetoMitch.Irememberedhimalwaystellingmehowhe’dlookacrossthe
streetatmybedroomwindowwhenIwasgone.Ifoundmyselfdoingthesamethingalmost
everynightnow,lookingupatthedarksecondfloorofhishouse,wonderinghowIwasgoing
tomakeitthroughthenextfouryears.

***

MitchsentmeanAmtraktickettovisithimColumbusDayweekend.Asmuchashe

triedtomakemefeelcomfortableinhisnewsurroundings,Iwasanythingbut.

Helivedinoneoftheco-edhigh-risedormitorybuildingsalongCommonwealth

Avenue,rightinfrontoftheGreenLinetrolleytracks.Itwasafarcryfromthequaintcollege
campusIimagined.BostonUniversitywasmorelikeabustlingcitythathappenedtohavea
collegeinthemidstofit.

Afterhepickedmeupfromthetrainstation,wewentstraighttohisdorm.Whenwe

exitedtheelevator,ascantilycladgirlwholookedlikeasupermodeltraipseddownthehall.
“Mitch,tellRobIstolehisblenderthismorningwhilehewasout,”shesaidinaEuropean
accent.

Hearingherreferencehimbynamemademyeardrumsthrob.Thiswasnotagood

start.“Whowasthat?”

“That’sHeidi.Shelivesdownthehall.”
“Peoplejustgointoeachother’sroomsandtakethings?”
Hechuckled.“Yeah,prettymuch.”
Then,anothergirlappeared.“Hey,Mitch,”shesaidinalongSoutherndrawl,her

blondehairbouncingasshewalkedby.

“Hey,Savannah.”
Iswallowed.“Who’sshe?”
“That’sSavannah.She’stheRA.”
“What’sthatstandfor,‘reallyannoying?’”Isnortedandsuddenlyfeltreallystupid.
Wow.Jealousydoesnotsuitme.
Hemussedmyhair.“No,mylittlewiseass.Itstandsforresidentassistant.Thatmeans

she’sinchargeofthefloorandtakescareofthingsinexchangeforfreeroomandboard.”

Shelookedlikeshe’dhappilytakecareofyou,too.
“Isee.”
AllIknewwas,shepracticallylivedwithmyboyfriend,andtherefore,Ihatedher

alongwitheveryothertrampinthisplace.

Onceinsidehisroom,Icouldn’tgetoverhowtinyitwas,morelikeawalk-incloset

withtwotwinbeds.Aguywithacurlymopofblackhairlayononeofthem.

“Skylar,thisismyroommate,Rob.Rob,thisismygirlfriend,Skylar.”
Robtookoffhisheadphones,noddedandshookmyhandthenresumedlisteningto

hismusic.

Iwhispered,“He’satalker,thatone.”
“Yeah.That’sabouttheextentofwhatyou’llgetouttahim.”

Acollageofpictures,mostlyofMitchandme,hungonthewallabovehisdesk.Heslid

thecurtain,displayingaviewoftheflashingCitgosign,aBostonlandmark.AsIlookedout
towardthebusystreetbelow,Ididn’tliketheuncertaintyshownonthereflectionofmyface
intheglass.

Hehuggedmefrombehindandkissedmyear.“Iloveyou,Skylar.”Heturnedme

aroundtofacehisburningstare.“YouknowwhatI’mgettingat,right?”

EmbarrassedthatIhadbeensoobviousinmyjealousy,Isaid,“Iloveyou,too.Thisis

justgoingtobeanadjustment.”

“MaybeifRobleaves,IcanfindawaytoremindyouwhomIbelongto.”
Robneverleftandneitherdidmyparanoia.

***

Thenextday,Mitchshowedmeallaroundthecity.HetookmetoNewburyStreetfor

gelato,andwesatinthePublicGarden.Itfeltgreatwhenitwasjustthetwoofus,butonce
thetrolleyletusoffinfrontofthedormitorythatevening,mydiscomfortreturned.

Ihadn’tevenbeenabletoenjoythetimespentwithhimbecauseofmypreoccupation

withexaminingeverylastdetailofeverygirlwhowalkedbytheopendoorofhisroom.This
levelofjealousywassomethingIhadneverexperiencedandmademefeellikeIwaslosing
mymind.

WeweregettingreadytoheadovertoNinaandJake’sfordinner.Theylivedonlya

coupleofmilesfromtheuniversity,andIcouldn’tpassuptheopportunitytoseemybest
friendwhileIwashere.

WhenMitchhadgonetoshower,IlookedaroundattheSpartangraywallsand

calculatedthathewouldspendapproximately800nightshere.Then,Ithoughtabouthow
easyitalwayswastogethimsexuallyaroused.Howcouldheresistifhewashornyordrunk
andsomehotgirlwasbegginghimtotakeit?Therewere800opportunitiesforthatto
happen.Iknewhewouldn’thurtmeintentionally,buthewashuman,andnowIsawwithmy
owneyeswhatIwasupagainst.

Whenhereturnedfromthebathroom,hewasshirtlessandwipinghiswethairdown

withatowel.Thefactthathehadbeenwalkingdownthehalllookingsosexyirkedme.

AsIwatchedhimgetdressed,Icouldn’thelpbutask,“Doyoualwayswalkaround

half-naked?”

“Notalways.”Hewinked.“Sometimes,Igofullfrontal.”Heexaminedmytimorous

expressionandwasnolongerlaughing.“Thatwasajoke.”Hethrewthetowelonthechair
angrily.“Alright.Youneedtotalktome.Rightnow.”

Ilookeddownatthegrounddisappointedinmyself.“I’msorry.Idon’tknowwhat’s

gottenintome.”

“DoyouhaveanyideahowexcitedI’vebeenallweekaboutyouvisiting?Ithoughtyou

weregonnahaveagreattime,andI’mfuckingpissedthatbeingherehasmadeyounothing
butmiserable,andnow,you’releavingtomorrow.”

“It’smyownfault.It’sjustweirdseeingthisotherlifeyouhavenow.I’musedto

havingyoualltomyself.”

“Youdohaveme.You’vebeensobusylookingforreasonstoworry,thatyou’vemissed

that.Yes…therearealotofgirlswholivehere.ButIdon’twantasingleoneofthem.Iwant
mygirlfriend.I’vefantasizedaboutourtimeinLakeGeorgeeverysinglenight.”Hecaressed
mycheek.“Thisisn’teasyforme,either.AllIwanttodoismakelovetoyou.I’mcounting
thedaystilChristmassothatwecangoawayandbealone.”

“Me,too.”

“Youneedtotrustme,okay?”
Hecradledmeinhisarmsaswaterdrippeddownfromhishairontomine.Hisheart

wasbeatingrapidly,andIregrettedhavingupsethim.Ilovedhimsomuch,andsuddenlyfelt
likeIneededtoshowhim.

Iwalkedovertothedoorandlockedit.“Isyourroommategoneforawhile?”
“Ineverknowwithhim,”hesaid,stilllookingupsetbymyearlierbehavior.
Igotdownonmykneesandbegantounziphisjeans.
Hegrippedmywristtostopme.“Whoa.Whatareyoudoing?”
“WhatdoesitlooklikeI’mdoing?”
“Youdon’thavetodothat.”
“IknowIdon’thaveto.”
“You’redoingthisbecauseyou’refeelinginsecure.I’mnotlettingyou.”
“Ipromise.It’snotbecauseofthat.Letmedoit.”
DespitehisinsistencethatIstop,hisrapidlygrowingerectionindicatedotherwise.
“Skylar…”
“Ijustwanttotasteyou.Honest.I’vewantedtodothisforawhile.”
Histrepidationsuccumbedtothedesirereflectedinhisdarkeningeyesthattoldmehe

wanteditbadly.Hedidn’tsayanotherwordasIpulledhissweatpantsdown.Hewasfully
hardwhenIwrappedmyhandaroundhisthickshaft.HisbreathhitchedasIslowlylickedin
circlesaroundthewetcrown.

“Fuck.Thatfeelssogood,”hesaidunderhisbreathwhilehishandsmassagedmyhair.
Imovedmymouthupanddownslowly,developingarhythmasItookhimdeeply

fromroottotip.IwassurprisedhowturnedonIwas,myunderwearwetterwitheach
movement.Hispalmswereplasteredagainstthedoorforbalance,andhiseyesrolledback.I
tookhimharder,wantingdesperatelytoownhimmorewitheachthrustofmytongue.

Hemoanedfromdeepinhisthroat.“In…credible.”
HiscockwashotandslickinmyhandasIpumpeditintomymouth.Hisstomach

contractedwitheachheavybreath,andhiseyeswereclosed.Ilovedhavingthistotalcontrol
overhim.

Afteracoupleofminutes,histremblinghandsgrippedthebackofmyhead.“Ican’t.

I…I’mgonnacome.”

Itookhimevendeeper.
“Shit.Skylar,youneedtogetoffme.”
Iignoredhim,jerkinghimharderandswallowingeverydropofthehot,saltycumthat

spurtedoutinaseeminglyendlessflow.

Hepanted,stillleaninghisbackagainstthedoor.Lookingfrazzled,hesaid,“Wow.I

thinkIneedanothershower.Thatwas…Ican’tbelieveyoudidthat.”

“Ican’tbelieveIdidn’tdoitsooner.”

***

NinaandJakelivedinabrownstonejustoutsidethecityinBrookline.
Afterhebuzzedusin,Jakecametothedoorandimmediatelystartedduckingand

blockinghisface.ThiswashiswayofbustingmyballsoveratimebackinNewYorkwhenI
showedupathisapartmentanddeckedhimwithmygiantbagassoonasheopenedthedoor.
Atthetime,Ninamistakenlythoughthehadcheatedonher,andIleftmyfather’shouseat
theheightofmysicknessinaragewiththeintenttobeathisass.Itwasthemostimpulsive
thingI’deverdone,althoughitendedupbeingahugemisunderstanding.Still,heneverlets
meliveitdown.

“Iseeyou’vedownsizedyourpurse.Ishouldbegood,”Jakesaidashewrappedhis

tattooedarmsaroundme.Hiscolognewasintoxicatingandasalways,touchinghimgaveme
thecheapestofthrills.“How’smySkylar?”HeslappedhandswithMitch.“Sup,Bitch?”He
alwayscalledMitch,Bitch.“Youtakin’careofmygirl?”

“Ofcourse,man.”
Ninayelledfromthekitchen.“Hey,Sissy!”Thatwasournicknameforeachother,

shortforsistersinceneitherofushadone.

ThehousesmelledlikeIndianspices.Ninamusthavebeenpracticingsomerecipe

fromthatinternationalcookingclassshetoldmeabout.

Theircondowasreallycozy,decoratedinlotsofblackandredwithdarkwood

furniture.OrnatedrawingsthatJakecreatedusingkohlpencilwereframedasartworkonthe
walls.OneofthemwasasketchofapregnantNina,lookingupatthemoon.Herhandswere
coveringherbreasts.

JakesippedabeerandjoinedMitchonthevelvetsofa.
Theirtwo-year-oldsonA.J.camerunningintotheroom.Irantohimandliftedhim

up.“Lookatyou!”

HishairwasalmostblacklikeJake’sandgelledintoaMohawk.Itickledhim.“You

lookjustlikeyourDaddy.”

“Daddyisbananas,”hesaidinthecutestlittlevoice.
“Ninataughthimthat.Justforthat,I’mgonnatryandimpregnatehertonight,”Jake

said.

Ilaughed.“How’sthatcomingalong,bytheway?”NinahadtoldmeJakereally

wantedanotherkid,butshewantedtowait.

Hislipringclankedagainstthebeerbottleashetookasip.“Haven’tslippedonepast

thegoalieyet.”

Ninaoverheardandcameoutfromthekitchenwipingherhandsonanapron.Her

dirtyblondehairwaslongerthanthelasttimeIhadseenher.“You’llneverbelievewhathe
didtometheotherday.Iopenedmybirthcontrolpillcontainer,andthepillsweremissing.
Instead,therewereabunchofcandiesintherewithanotethatsaid,‘Eventrade:SweeTarts
forladyparts.’”

AgigglingA.J.jumpedonMitch’slap,tookoffhisYankeescapandputitonhisown

head.Mitchstartedtoticklehim,andA.J.waslaughingsohardhegotthehiccups.

“You’regoodwithhim,”Ninasaid.“Don’tbesurprisedifIcallyoutobabysit.”
“I’ddoit.Seriously.We’dhavefun,rightA.J.?”Mitchturnedtomeandwinked.“I

wouldn’tmindoneofthesesomeday.”

WhileIcouldn’timaginehavingababyanytimesoon,thethoughtofalittleblue-eyed

Mitchrunningaroundmademyheartsmile.

Asifhe’djustreadmymind,myheartflutteredwhenhewhisperedinmyear,“She’d

havetohaveyoureyes,though.”

JaketurnedtoMitchwhowasnowbouncingA.J.onhisleg.“So,Bitch,howareyou

likingBU?”

“It’sokay.Statisticsiskillingme,though.”
“Comeon.Statisticsiseasyasballs.Letmeknowifyouneedanyhelp.”
NinasatonJake’slapandwrappedherarmaroundhim.“That’showIgotintotrouble

inthefirstplace,lettingthisguytutormeinmath.”

Jakestuckhistongueoutather,andIcouldseehistonguering.“Subtractherclothes,

divideherlegsandmultiply,baby,”hejoked.

Shekissedhim.“You’resick.”
“Youknowyouloveit.”
IcouldhaveswornIfeltthetemperatureriseintheroomfromtheexplosive

chemistrythosetwohad.Ienviedthembecausetheywereatapointintheirliveswherethey
couldjustenjoyeachother.IwishedthatMitchandIwereabletofastforwardpastthenext
fouryears.

NinahoppedoffJake’slap.“Sis,youwannahelpmefinishupdinner?”
“Sure.”
Theirkitchenwassmallbutmodern.Stainlesssteelpotsandpanshungfromabovea

smallisland.Thecabinetsweredarkcherrywoodwithblackgranitecountertops,andthere
wereatleast20bananassittinginafruithammock.

Ilaughed.“Bananasanyone?”
“Jake’slikeamonkey.Heeatsthembythebushel.”Sheclearedherthroat.“Mitchis

reallylookinghotthesedays,huh?”

“Whydoyousaythat?”Isnapped.
“Itwasjustanobservation.YoutellmeallthetimehowhotyouthinkJakeis.I’mjust

sayingMitchhasreallygrownintoamanfromthelasttimeIsawhim.”

“Sorry.I’mjust—”
“Somethingisbotheringyou.Talktome.”
Ilookeddownattheterracottatilefloor.“It’sbeenabadcoupleofdays.Hisbeinghere

inBostonistougherthanIimagineditwouldbe.”

“Whataboutitinparticular?”
“He’slivingwithabunchofgirls.It’slikeabrothel.I’mlosingmymindoverit.”
“So…”
“Whatdoyoumean,‘so'?"
Ninapouredsomeorange-lookingcurrysauceoverplatesofbasmatirice.“Heloves

you.”

“Iknow,butfouryearsisalongtime.Somuchcouldgowrong.”
“DoyouknowhowmanywomenhitonJakeeverywherewego?IfIworriedabout

thatcrap,itwouldmakemenuts,too.YousawwhathappenedwhenIjumpedtoconclusions
inthepastandstoppedtrustinghim.Iwaswrong.Attheendoftheday,trustisallyouhave.”

“Idon’tthinkIcouldhandleitifheevercheatedonme.I’vealwaysbeensuchastrong

person,butwhenitcomestohim,I’msoweak,andIhateit.”

“Lovemakesuscrazy.Takeonedayatatime,Sissy.You’vebeenthroughalotthepast

coupleofyears,morethanmosthaveinalifetime.Maybethestressisjustcatchingupwith
younow.”

“Maybe.”
JakewalkedintothekitchencarryingA.J.“Everythingokayinhere?”HekissedNina’s

neck.“Youknowtheysaycurrybooststhemalesexdrive.”

“Inthatcase,plainriceforyou.”
“Nooo,baby.LoadmeupontheTikkaMasala.”

***

ThreeweeksaftertheBostontrip,thefeelingofdreadthatsurroundedmy

relationshipwithMitchremained.TherewasnodoubtthatIlovedhim,andhegavemeno
reasonnottotrusthim.Yet,withhimgone,Ihadtoomuchtimetothink.

Mygradeswereplummeting,andIstartedseeingatherapistwhoreaffirmedNina’s

theorythatmyoverreactingtoeverythingwassomesortofdelayedresponsetothestressof

thecancerordeal.

Thingswerejuststartingtogetalittlebetterwhenaroutinevisittomygynecologist

sentmylifeintoatailspin.

Myperiodshadbeenirregular,andwhileIremembereddiscussionswithmydoctors

priortothecancertreatmentsabouttherisksofinfertility,Ihadn’tpaidtoomuchattention,
mainlybecausetheprioritywasgettingridoftheLymphomafastbeforeitspread.

“Skylar?”
Anurseledmeintoasmallroomwhereshetookmybloodpressure.Thiswasa

follow-upappointment,andIwassupposedtobegettingtheresultsofabloodtestIhad
takendaysearlier.

Ifocusedonthebutterfliesonherscrubsandthepumpingsoundoftheblood

pressuremonitor.

“Thedoctorwillberightin.”
IlookedthroughapregnancymagazinewhileIwaited,listeningtoalowinstrumental

versionofaWhitneyHoustonsongcomingfromaspeakeroverhead.

Dr.Ottonehadatroublingexpressiononherfaceassheenteredtheroomandcut

righttothechase.

“So,Skylar,Iwantedtotalktoyouabouttheresultsofyourbloodtest.”
“Okay…”
“Itseemsthatyouhavepoorovarianreserve.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“Well,everyoneisbornwithalimitednumberofeggs.Overtime,undernormal

circumstances,theydiminish.However,whenawomanreceiveshighdosesof
chemotherapy…thatcandestroyyoureggs.Itseemsyouhaveaverylimitednumber
remaining.It’salsopossiblethattheymaybeofpoorqualityduetothetreatmentsyou
received.Whilewecan’tbeabsolutelycertain,you’lllikelyhaveahardtimeconceiving.If
youareableto,there’sahigherchanceofmiscarriage.”

“Isthereanythingthatcanbedone?”
“Asidefromsomeonefreezingtheireggspriortotreatment,thereislittlewecandoat

thispoint.I’msorry,Skylar.Thisdoesn’tnecessarilymeantotalinfertility,butchancesare,
you’regoingtohavedifficulty.”

Themagazinewiththesmilingpregnantcovermodeltauntedmefrommylapandfell

tothegroundasIgotuptoleave.Mymotherhadbeenwaitingforme,butIrefusedtotalk
anddidn’tremembermuchoftheridehome.

Thatnight,IkeptrelayingwhatMitchsaidwhenplayingwithA.J.atNina’shouse.“I

wouldn’tmindoneofthesesomeday.”

TherewasaverygoodchanceIwouldneverbeabletogivehimachild.HowcouldI

staywithhimingoodfaithknowingthathewantedone?Ilovedhimtoomuch.ButifItold
himwhatInowknew,hewouldjustsayitdidn’tmattertohim.Deepdown,Iknewitwould,
maybenotrightawaybutsomeday.ThelongerIstayedwithhim,themoreitwouldhurt
whenhefinallyarrivedatthatrealization.

Iobsessedoveritforthebetterpartofaweek.Then,onenight,cameapanicattack

thatfeltlikeamovingfreighttrainfilledwithinsecurities.

800nights.
Infertile.
Ihadmyselfconvincedthathisleavingmeeventuallywasinevitableforonereasonor

another.Whateverthecause,itwoulddestroymewhenithappened,andIcouldn’tletit.It’s

alwayseasiertobetheonedoingtheleavingthantobetheoneleftbehind.

TheroomswayedwhenIopenedmylaptopandstartedtyping:
Mitch,pleasedon’thatemeforwhatI’mabouttodo.

CHAPTER16

MITCH

Mitch,pleasedon’thatemeforwhatI’mabouttodo.Idon’thavethecouragetocall

youbecauseIknowifIhearyourvoice,Iwillneverbeabletogothroughwiththis.Please
knowthatIloveyousomuchandalwayswill¸morethanyoucouldeverknow.ButIthink
thateverythingisjusthappeningtoofastwithus.Idon’tlikethejealousmonsterI’ve
becomelately.Youneedtimetojustbeawayatschoolwithoutworryingabouthowit’s
affectingme.

Atthesametime,Ineedtimetofindmyselfwithoutthestrainofalong-distance

relationship.Youneedtodothesamewithoutbeingtieddownatthispointinyourlife.The
moreIthinkaboutit,themoreIrealizewe’retooyoungtosettledown.Idon’twantusto
resenteachotherlater.

Ihopethatsomedaywecanmanagetobefriendsagain.Iknowthatwillbe

impossibleforawhile.I’vestartedapplyingforinternshipsinNewYorkandplantomove
backinwithOliverforthesummertomakethiseasier.I’msosorry.Iknowthisisgoingto
comeasashock.RememberthatI’llalwaysloveyou.

Readingitnevergoteasier.Ithadbeensixmonthssincethatemail,andIstillcouldn’t

wrapmyheadaroundit…notonesinglebit.

MyphonelitupinthedarknessasIrereaditforwhatfeltlikethethousandthtime.It

wasthemiddleofthenight,andwheneverIcouldn’tsleep,I’dpullthatmessageupagainin
anattempttodecipherit.I’dtrytofindsomeclueinthewordingtounderstandhowSkylar
couldsoeasilythrowusaway.Eventhoughsheexplainedherreasoning,itstillmadeno
sense.Iknewinmyheart,therehadtobemoretothestory.

***

Theweekendaftershesenttheemail,Iboardedatrainhome.Wewereinherroomas

shetalkedincircles,refusingtolookmeintheeye,onlyreiteratingwhatshehadwritten
withoutexplainingitfurther.ItfeltlikeIwasinthemiddleofanightmareasshekepther
distance,armscrossedagainstherchest.Thefactthatshedidn’twantmetotouchhercut
likeaknife.

Whenshedidofferfleetingglances,thepaininhereyeswasalmosttangible.Shewas

strugglingtoholdittogetherandkepttellingmeshewas“doingthisformyowngood.”

Atonepoint,Ilostmycoolandscreamedatthetopofmylungs,“Howisitformyown

goodifI’dratherdiethanlivewithoutyou?”HersmalllampcamecrashingdownafterI
smackedthedeskinanger.

ThatwaswhenTishcameupstairsandaskedmetoleave.Althoughapartofme

couldn’tblamehersinceIwasactinglikealunatic,shehadbeenlikeasecondmothertome
andtohaveherkickmeoutreallyhurt.WhenIturnedaroundonelasttimebeforeleaving,I
noticedthatSkylarwascrying.

Ididn’tsleepthatentireweekend,juststayedinmyroompacinglikeazombiewith

mymouthparchedfromlackoffoodordrink.I’doccasionallylookacrossthestreettothe
lightinherupstairsbedroom.Shewassoclose,butitfeltlikeIwasholdingvigilforsomeone
amillionmilesaway.Ijustcouldn’tbelieveIhadlosther.Itwasimpossibletoaccept,andI
didn’tforaverylongtime.

ThetrainridebacktoBostonattheendofthatweekendhadfeltlikethelowestpoint

inmylife.Still,afterthat,Ihadn’tgivenupandcontinuedtocall,emailandtexthertono
avail.

Then,cameChristmasbreak,whichwassupposedtohavebeenspecialforusatone

time.IarrivedhometoNewJerseytofindthatSkylarhadalreadyleftforFloridawithOliver
tospenditwithLizete’sfamilydowninMiami.

Theweekswentby,anditfeltlikemyworldwasending.Theturningpointcameabout

amonthagowhenimmensesadnesstransformedintopureanger.

Daveyhadsentmeatextinthemiddleofmyaccountingclass.
We’reatChili’sandSkylarjustwalkedinwithsomedude.WTF.
Hethentextedmeaphotothathetookwithoutherknowing.Sheapparentlyhadn’t

noticedDaveyandZenaafewtablesdown.Myheartfeltlikeitwasbreakingwithevery
secondthatpassedasIstaredatthegrainyphoto.Theywereholdinghandsacrossthetable.

Howthefuckcouldshedothis?
Ihadseenenough.Shehadfinallysucceededingettinghermessagethroughtome

becauseatthatpoint,Iwasdone.

Rageenvelopedme,andmyhandstrembledasIgrabbedmybooksandabruptlyleft

theclassroom,nearlyknockingintosomeonewhowaswalkingbyinthehallwayoutside.AsI
ranintheraindownCommonwealthAvenue,Icouldn’tgetbacktomyroomfastenoughto
escapeintothebottleofvodkaIhadbeensavinginmyclosetforaspecialoccasion.

Ispenttherestofthatnightdrinkingmyselfintooblivion.

***

IhadtoforcemyselftostoplookingatSkylar’semail.
Itwasn’tgonnachangeaftersixmonthsofstaringatit,Mitch.
Ishutmyphoneoff,carefullyreachingovertothedeskandputitdownnexttoan

emptycondomwrapper.Icringed.

Lastnightwasamistake.
Heidilaynexttome,andIdidn’twanttowakeher,mainlybecauseIdidn’twantto

havetotalktoher.Iwishedshehadn’tstayedover.Itwasn’tmeanttobeanythingmorethan
aquickfuck.Ihatedmyselfforthinkingofitthatway,butthat’swhatyoucallsexwhenit
doesn’tmeananything.

Itwasjustsupposedtobeanescape,adistractionbecauseIwasnowforcingmyselfto

moveon.Ihadfinallyconvincedmyselftheloveofmylifewasn’tcomingback.Thepainwas
somethingIcouldn’tdealwithaloneanymore.WhenIwasbymyself,allIthoughtaboutwas
Skylar:Skylarleavingme,Skylaronadate,Skylarhavingsexwithsomeoneelse.

Thatonehurt.
Someotherguywouldeventuallytakehervirginity.Herfirsttimewassupposedtobe

mine.Allofherwassupposedtobemine.Shewasmyfuture.ThisremindedmeofwhenI
wasalittleboybecausethefuturewasnowablackhole,justasithadseemedwhenmy
parentsweredivorcing…exceptthiswasfarworsethanthat.

I’dnevergetoverherchangeofheart.Withthewaysheendedthingsandhershowing

upatChili’swithsomerandomguy,IshouldhavehadnofeelingsofguiltoverwhatIdidlast
night.Still,itsickenedmeasIsatherestilltastingHeidi’sperfumeonmytongue.Wasthis
whatsexwithotherwomenwouldfeellikefortherestofmylife?Likeitwasn’tright
somehowbecausemybodybelongedtoSkylar?

Heidi’slong,blackhairtickledmyarm.Ihadjustwantedhergonebutdidn’thavethe

hearttokickheroutafterwe’dhadsex.So,IlethercurlupbesidemewhileIstaredatthe

ceiling,andshefellasleep.

ShewasfromGermany—sexy—butnotmytype,meaningnotSkylar.Sheworeheavy

eyemakeupandwasextremelytall.Shesaidsheusedtomodel.Heidihadalwayshitonme
sincethebeginningoftheyearandlastnight,withRobstayingatafriend’s,Igaveinwhen
shecametomyroomundertheguiseofneedinghelpwithherhistoryhomework.Therest
was,well…historyandanightI’dratherforget.

Thetruthwas,Skylarneverhadareasontoworryaboutmecheatingonher.Plainand

simple,itwouldhaveneverhappenedbecausetherewasnoothergirlwhomademefeelthe
wayshedid.Ijustcouldn’tprovethattoher,apparently.

IfIcouldn’tgetherback,though,Ihadtoforcemyselftomoveon.Shewassureas

helldoingjustthat.Wewerebrokenup,solastnightshouldn’thavefeltlikecheating,butit
did.

Iclosedmyeyes,envisioningournightinLakeGeorge.Thepainwasexcruciating.I

missedthewayhertinybodyfitrightintothecreviceofminewhenwelaytogether.Imissed
herlaugh.Imissedherscent.Iwaspiningforherwithanothergirllyingrightnexttome.It
wasfuckingpathetic.Iimpulsivelyreachedbehindmeandpickedupmyphone,decidingshe
neededtofeelafractionofmydespair.

Iknowyou’vemovedon.Itriedtodothesametonight.Ihadsexwith

someone.Howdoesthatworkforyou?It’snotworkingforme.Istillfucking
loveyousomuch.Ialwayswill.I’llneverunderstand.Never.Bytheway,have
youfuckedhimyet?

Shenevertextedmeback,andIhadn’texpectedherto.

CHAPTER17

SKYLAR

Iheldmyselfinafetalpositionafterthetextcamein:Ihadsexwithsomeone.Itwas

harddigestingthosewords,butknowingthatIhadsenthimstraightintoherarmsmademe
wanttopuke.

Thiswasinevitable,butIdidn’tthinkhewouldbesocruelastotellmeaboutit.What

didIexpect?HemusthavebeenenragedwhenIstagedthatfakedateatChili’s.Thatwasthe
intent.IknewDaveywentthereeveryFridaynight,soIhadaskedJason,afriendofAngie’s
brother,tohavedinnerwithmeandholdmyhandsothatitwouldgetbacktoMitch.Iknew
theplanhadworkedwhenIsawfromthecornerofmyeyethatDaveywastakingmypicture.

TheonlywayMitchwouldstayawayfrommewasifhegotangry.TheonewayIknew

todothatwastolethimseemewithanotherguy.Ifeltterrible,butwhatchoicedidIhave?
Hewasn’tbackingdownintryingtochangemymind,becausehelovedme.Thatwasn’tgoing
tochangeunlessImadehimhateme.TheangerinthetoneofthattextshowedmeI’dfinally
succeeded.

Congratulations,Skylar.
ImagesofMitch’smouthonanotherwoman,hiscockinsideofherflashedthrough

mybrain.Ibeggedmymindtostop,butitonlykeptgettingworse.

WhathadIdone?
Gettingoutoftownbeforehecamehomeforthesummerwasmoreimportantnow

thanever.Seeinghimwouldcrushme.

***

Thesummeraftermysenioryear,Itookaninteriordesigninternshipforaprivate

designfirminManhattan.Iwastakingayearoffbeforestartingcollegeandwantedto
understandtheropesofthedesignindustrybeforemakingadecisiononwhethertochooseit
asamajor.

OliverandLizetewerehappytohavemebackforawhile.Thistime,IhadSeamus

withme.ItwasironicbecauseSeamus,likeMitchandI,hadalsobecometheproductof
divorcedparentsinaway,gettingshuffledfromhousetohouse.

AlthoughbeingbackinBrooklynremindedmeofmycancerdays,therewassolacein

thefactthatIwouldn’thavetofaceMitch.

IinternedthreedaysaweekatHarringtonDesignStudio,whichspecializedininterior

designforhigh-endclientsinManhattanandtheHamptons.Theothertwodays,Iworkedat
RegalFabrics,awell-knownstoreinthecitythatsuppliedmaterialstothedesignstudio.My
jobwastoorganizetheirstockbycolorandtextureandalsohelpclientschooseapatternfor
theirneeds.MyinternshipmanagerhelpedgetmethejobsinceshesawwhatahardworkerI
wasfornopay.

IhadtextedMitchatthebeginningofthesummer,lettinghimknowwhatIwasupto

andwhereIwasworking.IfiguredIatleastowedhimthatmuch.EventhoughIwasstaying
awayfromNewJersey,Ididn’twanttobetotallycruelandnotcontacthimatall.Itturned
outhedecidedtostayinBostonforthesummersincehehadgottenajobatanon-campus
restaurantinthestudentunionbuilding.Hemadesuretostressinhisresponsethathehad
noreasontocomehomeanymore.

Itnevergotanyeasierbeingapartfromhim.Thethoughtofhimsleepingwithother

girlsstillmademeill.Ihadn’ttoldanyonetherealreasonIendeditwithMitch.Ididn’twant
tohearmymotherorNinatellmeallthereasonsIwaswronginthinkingthathewould
leavemesomedayifIcouldn’tbearhimachild.Thiswasmyownprivate,selflessdecisionas
farasIwasconcerned,andIdidn’texpectanyonetounderstand.

Overall,myroutinethatsummerwasprettypredictable.Lizetewouldmakemeeat

someCuban-stylebreakfastinthemorningbeforeI’dtakethesubwayintothecity.Ihadn’t
madeanyrealfriendshere,soinsteadofhangingoutinManhattanafterwork,I’djustgo
straighthomeandread.

AllofthatchangedthedayImetCharisma.Shelookedlikethetypicalwealthy

Manhattanitethatfrequentedthefabricstore,butshewasclosertomyage.Shehad
medium-lengthcaramelhairandperfectlymanicurednails.Shehadclassicgoodlooksbut
wouldn’tbeconsideredgorgeous.Itwasobviousshecamefrommoneybasedonhowwell
shewasdressed.

“HowcanIhelpyou?”
“I’mredecoratingmybedroomandlookingforabold,blackandwhitedamaskwitha

velvetfeelforthedrapes.”

“IthinkIhavejusttherightthing.”Iledherupstairstowherethemostexpensive

materialswerehousedandshowedherwhatIhadinmind.

Shegaspedassheranherfingersalongthetexturedfabric.“That’sexactlywhatIwas

picturing.Howdidyoudothat?”

Ismiled.“I’vejustgottentoknowthestoreinsideout.Doyouhavemeasurements?”
“No.I’llprobablyhavetocomeback.”Shegavemeherhand.“I’mCharisma,bythe

way.”

“Skylar.”
“Skylar.That’saprettyname.”
“SoisCharisma,”IsaidasIreturnedtherolloffabrictotheshelf.
Sheleanedherheadtotheside.“Areyoufromaroundhere?”
“IliveinBrooklynwithmyfather.I’mjusthereforthesummer.”
Lookingmeupanddown,sheasked,“Doyoumindmysayingsomething?”
“Sure.”
“You’resuchaprettygirl,likeablankslate.Youcouldbestunningifyouworealittle

makeupanddressedupabit.Ilovetomakepeopleover.It’ssortofmyhobby.Letmeknow
ifyou’dbeinterested.”

“Whatareyouwithsomekindofambushmakeovershow?”
“No.Iswear.Ijustthinkitwouldbefun.IguessIhavetoomuchtimeonmyhands.”
“Apparently.”
“Wheredoyougotoschool?”
“Ijustgraduatedhighschool.I’mtakingayearoffandthinkingofapplyingattheend

ofthisyear,probablymajoringininteriordesign.You?”

“IgotoWellesley.I’llbeajunior.”
“Wow.”
Wewalkeddownstairs,andsherummagedthroughherCoachbagforherphone.
“Whatdoyoudoforfun,Skylar?”
“Idunno…read?Mylifeisprettyboring.”
“You’rekidding,right?You’reinthecityofdreamsforthesummer,andyou’re

spendingyourtimestuckinabook?Weneedtochangethat.You’retooyoungtolivelikea

hermit.What’syournumber?”

ShejotteditdowninherphoneasIrecitedit.
“WhatdoyousuggestIdoforfun?”
“Youcanstartbylettingmemakeyouover,andthenwe’llgoout.Therearesomecool

18andoverclubsdowntown.HowaboutthisFridaynight?”

“Um…notsureifIwanttobeyourpetproject.”
“Iwon’ttakenoforananswer.”
Ishrugged.“Okay.IworkhereuntileightonFridays.”
WhatdidIhavetolose?
Sheclappedgiddily.“Yay!”
“WhatdoIwear?”
“Don’tworryaboutthat.Ihavetonsofclothesatmyapartment.I’llbringthe

measurementsforthedrapesandpickyouup.”

“Okay,seeyouateightonFriday.”
Whatthehelljusthappened?

***

God,Ilovedbeingdrunk.
Charismaturnedouttobeabadinfluenceinmorewaysthanone.Atthetime,though,

Ithoughtmeetingherwasthebestthingtoeverhappentomebecauseithadgottenmeout
ofmyfunk.

Westartedhangingoutafewtimesaweek.Herfamily’sapartmentwasn’ttoofarfrom

thefabricstore,soIwouldwalkoverafterworkandsometimesspendthenight.The
doormangottoknowmeandwouldletmegorightup.HerparentswerevacationinginFiji
thatsummer,soshehadthewholeplacetoherself.Thedécorwasmodern,lotsofwhitewith
sleekgeometricfurniture.

Therewasasmallbarinthecornerofthelivingroom,andCharismawouldmakeme

whatevermixeddrinkIwanted.SoCoandSoursandCosmosweremyfavorites.

Forthefirsttimeinmylife,Iactuallyunderstoodthehype.Gettinghammeredhelped

tomomentarilyeasethepain.Nothingelsehadbeenabletodothat.Witheachdrink,thebad
stufffadedaway,replacedbyaeuphoricfogginess.Whileblissfullyintoxicated,I’dalsotell
Charismaallofmysecrets,includingtherealreasonIhadbrokenupwithMitch.Shewasn’t
abletoprovidemuchinsight,butitwasgoodtherapyjusttogetitalloffmychesttosomeone
impartial.

Sheintroducedmetosomeofthefriendsshegrewupwith,andthey’doftenjoinus

forourcocktailhours.AlsointhegroupwasCharisma’scousin,Chad.Hewastall,blonde,
preppyandhadteeththatshinedlikethetopoftheChryslerbuilding.Hewashomefrom
Harvardforthesummer.

Whetheritwasthewayhelookedatmeorthesubtlebrushingofhishandonmy

knee,Chadalwaysmadeitclearhewasinterested.Charismahadbeentryingtogetmeto
givehimachance.Hewasattractiveandniceenough,butIwasn’tsureIwasreadytodate.
Shetoldmeheneverhadseriousgirlfriends,soIknewthatmeanthejustwantedto“hook
up.”

Apartofmeknewitwastimetolosemyvirginity.IwasthelastpersonIknewwho

wasstillavirgin.Abiggerpartfeltadeepsadnessatthethoughtsincemyfirsttimewas
alwayssupposedtobelongtoMitch.HewastrulytheonlyguyIwanted,andifIwasgoingto
losemyvirginitynow,itprobablydidn’tevenmatterwhomitwaswith;allotherguyswere
interchangeable.

CharismawaspouringMidoriintotheglassformydrink.“Youneedagoodfucktoget

youoverthatMitchdude,Skylar.”

Tonight,wewerescheduledtogotoClubNicoledowntownwithChadandafewgirls

inCharisma’scircle.

Chadwalkedinwithhisusualfittedsweatersmellinglikethewoodsycolognehe

alwayswore.“Skylar,Iwannaseehowyoudancetonight.”

Iwasalreadystartingtogetbuzzed.“Afewmoreofthese,andyoumightjustgetyour

wish,Harvardpunk.”

Charismahandedmeanotherdrink.“Doesn’tSkylarlookprettytonight?”
“Shealwayslookspretty.Infact,prettyisn’tastrongenoughwordforher.”
Charismawinkedatme.“ShouldIbeleavingtheroomnow?”
Isaidnothingandcontinuedtosipmydrink.ShewastotallypushingtheChadthing.

MaybeI’dgivehimachance.

***

Afteralongwaitinlineinfrontoftheclub,alargebouncerthatlookedliketheRock

letusin.Chadclaspedhandswithhim,confirmingmysuspicionsthatdespitehisIvyLeague
status,hewasalsoawell-knownpartyboy.Iletoutasighofreliefbecauseitwasthefirst
timewe’dsuccessfullyusedthefakei.d.sthatCharismascoreddowntown.

Thehumidityoutsidewasreplacedbyablastofcoldair-conditioningthatmademy

nipplesharden.Myearsfeltliketheyweregoingtoexplodefromtheloudtechnomusic.

ChaddisappearedthenreturnedwithabeerforhimandaTomCollinsforme.There

weregirlsdancingincages,andpeoplewoulddancearoundthemonthesidesoftheseraised
platforms.IdownedmydrinkandsuddenlyfeltlikeIwantedtojointhem.Asifoncue,
Charismapulledmeupthere,andthetwoofus,drunkoffourasses,startedtogrindoneach
other.Wecaughttheattentionofagroupofmendancingnearby.Inormallywouldn’thave
beencaughtdeaddancingaroundacagewithsomerandomguyrubbinghisballsupagainst
me.Atthetime,though,andundertheinfluence,itfelttotallynormal.

Chadwhistledatus.Whenthemusicswitched,hegavemehishandandhelpedme

down.

“Thatwasfun!”Charismasaidasshedancedawaythroughtheartificialsmoketoward

thebarwheretheothergirlswerewaiting.

Chad’sbreathwaswarmandsmelledlikebeerwhenhespokeintomyear.“Youwanna

goupstairs?”

“What’supstairs?”
“It’stheVIParea.”
Ilookedupatthebalcony,anditseemeddarkwithahintofpurplelighting.Icould

onlymakeoutshadowsofmovementupthere.

“Sure,”Isaid,suddenlyfeelinganxious.
“Let’sgetanotherroundbeforewego,”hesaid.
Chadreturnedwithourdrinksandreachedouthishandformetofollowhimupthe

black-carpetedstairs.Themusicbecamemoredistantwitheachstep.Aguardstoodatthe
top.“Hello,Mr.Carter.”

“Hey,Hollis.”
“Whydidhecallyou,Mr.Carter?”Iaskedaswesatdownononeofthepurplevelour

couches.

Hesmirked.“Becausemyparentsownthisclub.”
“What?”

“Myfamilyactuallyownsthreeofthenightclubsonthisstreet.”
IknewhewasloadedbutJeez…
“Wow.That’sreallycool.”
“Ithinkso.”Hetookmydrinkandplaceditonatable.“Seethatdoorbackthere?”
“Yeah.”
“That’saprivateroom.Thewallsandflooraremadeofglassthatoverlooksthedance

floordownstairs,butnobodycanseeupintoit.”Heloweredhisvoice.“Wecandowhatever
wewantontopofeveryone,andnoonewillknow.DoyouseewhatI’mgettingat?”

IthoughtaboutitforagoodthirtysecondsbecauseIknewwhathewasreallyasking

me.“Sure.”Eveninmydrunkenstate,Iwasfullyawareofwhatwasabouttohappen.The
hairsonmyarmsstiffenedashetookmyhand.

Insidetheroom,thesoundofthemusicseemeddistant,butthebeatofthebasswas

morepronounced.

Heshutthedoor,andIheardthelockclick.Myheartstartedtopoundashesaid,

“Standinfrontofthewall.Enjoytheview.”Hecameupfrombehindmeandkissedmyneck.
“I’menjoyingthisview.”Heranhisfingertipsdownmyarm.“Youhaveanincrediblebody.
Haveyoueverbeenadancer?”

Istiffenedandshookmyhead.“No.”
Thecontactfeltgood,butnotinacomfortableway.Mybodyresponded,butthisfelt

foreign,notlikeithadbeenwithMitch.Myheartandmindweren’tinit.Nervesreplacedthe
intensepassionIalwaysexperiencedbefore.Still,Ineededtogrowupandwasn’tgoingto
resistanythingifhetried.Ineededthis.Mitchwasmovingon,andIneededtoseeifanother
guycouldhelpmetodothesame.

ThebeatofthemusicvibratedthroughmytensebodyasChadcontinuedtokissmy

neckthenbegantosuckonit.

“I’mgonnamakeyousofeelgood,Skylar.I’vewantedyouforsolong.”
Iclosedmyeyes,tryingtopushawaymyconscienceasChadslowlyunzippedmydress

andletitfalltothefloor.Heturnedmearoundandplasteredmybodyagainsttheglasswall.

“Areyousuretheycan’tsee?”
“It’sone-sided.Don’tworry.”
Ifocusedonablackchromechandelierdrippingwithcrystalsasheslowlypulleddown

myunderwear.

There’sstilltimetochangeyourmind.
“Ibetyou’veneverdoneitlikethisbefore…ontopofhundredsofpeople.”
ShouldItellhimI’mavirgin?
“Definitelynot.Not…likethis.”
Heunhookedmybraandbegansuckingonmybreasts.Everythingwashappeningso

fast,butinaway,thatwashowIwantedit.Ididn’twanttofeelit.Ijustwanteditoverwith
asifmyvirginitywerethelastpieceofMitchIneededtoletgoofinordertomoveon.

Iclosedmyeyesagainandheardthezipperloweronhispants.
Hestoppedkissingme.WhenIopenedmyeyes,hereachedintohisbackpocket.The

condomwrappercrinkledasherippeditopenwithhisteeth.Ilookeddownandwatchedas
heslippeditonthensqueezedthetip.Icouldn’thelpbutnoticehowmuchsmallerhewas
thanMitch.

Chaddidn’twasteanytime.Withinseconds,heliftedmeupandwrappedmylegs

aroundhim.IimmediatelyfelttheburnashetriedtoentermewhileLadyGaga’sDoWhat
YouWantplayedonthelowerlevel.

Howironic.
“Ow.Slowdown,”Isaid.
“I’mhurtingyou?”
“Yes.”
“Okay…sorry,baby.”
Don’tcallmebaby.
IinhaledslowlyanddecidedIwasgoingtodowhateverittooktowithstandthepain.

Whenhepushedinsidemeagain,Iwhimperedbutbreathedthoughitasmybackhitthe
wall.

“You’resotight,”hesaidashisdickthrustharderagainintomyburningvagina.
Iwasprettysurehemistookmyheavybreathingforagoodthingashecontinuedto

fuckmeslowly.Whenhegraduallybrokethroughmyhymen,hebegantopoundintome
faster.

Asthepainbetweenmylegssubsidedalittle,therealizationofwhatwashappening

startedtosinkin.Myeyeswereclosed,andallIcouldseewasMitch’sface.Theburning
betweenmylegspaledincomparisontotheimageofhisblueeyesburningintomysoulin
thatmoment.Itshouldhavebeenhim.TearscamepouringoutofmyeyesasChad’s
movementsbecamemorepronounced.Afewminuteslater,hesaid,“I’mabouttocome.”

Isniffledandlied.“Me,too.”
Ashemoaned,Itightenedmyeyestoridthemofthetears.
Whenthemovementsstopped,heslowlypulledoutofmeandlookeddown.“Fuck.”
“What?”
“There’sbloodeverywhere.”
WhenIloweredmyhead,Isawredalloverhiskhakipants,anditwasalsorunning

downmyleg.”

“Shit.Isthatyourperiod?”
Icoveredmymouthunabletofightmytearsandshookmyhead.
Heranhishandthroughhishair.“You…don’ttellmeyouwereavirgin?”
Myvoicetrembled.“Yes.”
Heseemedangry,likeIhadtrickedhimsomehow.“Shit.Iwouldn’thavedonethisifI

knewthat.HowthefuckamIsupposedtogoouttherecoveredinblood?”

Myownbloodwasboilingattheinsensitiveaudacityofhisquestion.“Idon’tknow…I

—”

Helefttheroomabruptlythencamebackwithasmallwhitetowelfromthebar,andI

usedittowipemylegdown.

Hegrabbedmyhand.“Comeon.Let’ssneakoutthesidedoor.”Hepracticallydragged

medownstairsandoutthesideentranceintoanabandonedalley.Throughthenightfog,we
walkedinsilenceongraveltothestreetwherehehailedacab.

ChadsaidnothingtomeontheridebacktoCharisma’sapartment.Istaredvacantly

outthewindow,stillshell-shockedathisJekyllandHydebehavior.

Whenthevehiclestopped,hewalkedmetothefrontdoorandhuggedmeawkwardly

beforegettingbackinthecab,whichspedoff.

Iwasspeechless,feelingempty.Used.
Thedoormanletmein,andItooktheelevatorupinadaze,stillfeelinglikeafirehad

beenputoutinmyvagina.Onceupstairs,IrealizedCharismawasstillattheclub.Allofmy
stuffwaslockedinsideherapartmentbecauseIwasspendingthenight.

Ibangedthebackofmyheadagainstherlockeddoorandslidmybodydowntoreston

thefloorofthehallway.ItookoutmyphoneandsiftedthroughtothepicturesofMitchand
mefromLakeGeorge.ThiswasthefirsttimeIhadallowedmyselftolookatonesinglephoto
ofhimsinceIwrotethatdreadedemail.Seeinghisfaceandtheeyesthatalwaysreflecteda
loveformewithinthemmademeyearnforhim.Iclutchedthephonetomyheartandcried.
WhathappenedwithChaddidnothingtohelpmemovepastmyfeelings.Ifanything,it
reiteratedhowindestructiblemyloveforMitchwas.Beingwithanothermanhadonlymade
melongforhimmore.

Anhourlater,theelevatordoorsslidopen,andCharismacamefromaroundthe

corner.“Hey,girl.Whathappened?IthoughtyouwerewithChad.”

Iwasstillontheground.“Yeah…aboutthat.Yourcousin’sanasshole.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Idon’twanttotalkaboutit.”
Sheopenedtheapartmentdoor.“Youwantadrink?”
“No…please.That’showIgotintotroubletonightinthefirstplace.I’mdonewiththe

drinking.Andasforyourcousin—ifyoureallywanttoknow—hetookoffinacabwithmy
virginityafterkickingmetothecurb.Apparently,youdon’tneedasoultogetintoHarvard.”

ThatsummerwithCharismawasalearningexperience.Betweenlosingmyvirginity

anddiscoveringthatalcoholwasnotmyfriend,Ialsorealizedthatitwasimpossibletomove
onwithoutyourheart.Mitchwasmyheart.MyfeelingswouldallcometoaheadatJakeand
Nina’sengagementparty.

***

ThefollowingNovember,JakeandNinahadfinallysetadatefortheirlong-awaited

wedding.TheyhadgottenengagedafterA.J.wasborn,butfinancesweretight,sotheywaited
acoupleofyearstomakeweddingplans.

AsNina’smaidofhonor,IhadtotraveltoBostontobethereforthecelebrationheld

atafancyItalianrestaurantinthecity’sNorthEnd.Jake’ssister,Allisonandherhusband,
Cedricpaidforthepartyheldinaprivateroomwithasmalldancefloor.

Thespreadincludedabuffetofthingslikeantipasto,pennewithpestoandrackof

lamb.FordesserttherewerecannoliandItalianrumcakebroughtinfromapastryshop
downthestreet.

TheDJplayedlotsofBigbandandmellowsongsfromartistslikeTonyBennettand

MichaelBuble.Theceilingswereadornedwithshrimp-coloredpaperlanterns,andthelong
tablewasdecoratedwithwhitehydrangeassurroundedbytealightcandlesfloatinginwater.

Jakewaswearingablackdressshirtrolledupatthesleevesthatshowcasedhistattoos

whileNinadonnedasimpleblackandwhitedress.JakefedNinaanItaliancookieasA.J.sat
inbetweenthem.

EventhoughIwassohappyforthem,themoodheremademyheartfeelheavy.Ithad

beenoverayearnowsinceI’dbrokenupwithMitch,andeverydaywasharderthanthelast.
Iwouldalwayswonderwhathewasdoing,whetherhewashappyoriftodaywerethedayhe
wouldmeetsomeonehe’dfallinlovewith.TonightwasespeciallyhardbecauseIwasinhis
city,socloseyetsofaraway.

TheDJcalledJakeandNinauptodancetoFrankSinatra’sTheWayYouLook

Tonight.Somethingaboutthatsongalwaysgavemethechills.Itwassobeautiful.Ifocused
onthewayJakewaslookingatNinawhentheyweredancing,howtheywouldwhisperthings
tooneanother.Inthatmoment,theywereessentiallyallthatexistedtoeachotherdespite
theroomfullofpeople.ThelookinJake’seyeswasafamiliarone;itwasthesamelook
Mitchusedtogiveme.

Asthesongplayed,myentirerelationshipwithMitchflashedbeforemyeyes:our

basketballgamesaskids,thekissatthecarnival,hiskissingmybaldhead,ournightinLake
George.Anintolerableachebuiltinsidemychest.Justasthemusicchangedtosomething
fast-paced,Iranoutofthereceptionroombeforeanyonenoticedmebawling.

Iendedupinthecrowdedrestaurantdiningroomandclimbedasetofstairsthatled

uptoanemptyrooftoppatio.AblastofwindblewmydressMarilynMonroe-styleasI
openedthedoor.Eventhoughitwasachillynight,thestarry-skywasbreathtaking.Itfeltlike
IcouldfeelaholeinmychestasIbegantocryharder.

Then,thedoorburstopen.“Skylar?Whatthehellareyoudoinguphere?”
Aplaneflewoverheadashewalkedtowardme.
“Jake….”Itriedtocomposemyself.“Ijustneededsomeair.”
“Bullshit.Isawyouleavingintears.”
“Youshouldgobacktoyourparty.”
“Thechickendancecanwait.”Jakepulledtwochairsoffastackthatwerelinedupon

topofeachother.“Sit.”WhenIsatdown,hesaid,“Nowtalk.”

“YouknowIbrokeupwithMitch…”
“HowcouldIforget?Hecamebymyhouseafteryoudumpedhim,youknow.”
“Hedid?”
“Yup…wantedtoknowifNinaknewanything,wantedmyadvice.Neitherofusknew

whattosay.Ijustgavehimbeer,lethimgetdrunkanddrovehimhome.”

“WhenyouandNinaweredancingtothatsong…itjustremindedmeofhim.”
“Holdup.Ifyou’resosadabouthim,whydidyouendit?Nooneseemstoknow.”
“CanIaskyousomething?”
“Shoot.”
“BeforeA.J.wasborn,ifyoufoundoutNinacouldn’thavebabies,wouldyouhave

beenabletostaywithherforthelonghaul?”

Jakepaused,blinkinghiseyesrepeatedlyasheputtwoandtwotogether.
“Withoutadoubt…yes.Nina’smybaby.Shemeansmoretomethananythinginthe

world.Wehappenedtogetluckypracticallyonthefirstshot,butifsheweren’tabletogive
meachild,yes,itwouldhavebeenadisappointmentbutonlybecauseIcouldn’thaveapart
ofherandapartofme.Iwouldn’twantthatwithanyotherwoman.Anyguythattrulyloves
youwouldfeelthesame.”Heputhishandonmyshoulder.“YounevertoldNina,didyou?”

“No.”
“Thisisallstartingtomakesensenow.Youthoughtyouweredoinghimafavorby

lettinghimgobeforehehadachancetoleaveyoulater.”

Iwipedmyeyes.“Yeah.”
“Ifhetrulylovesyouthewayhesayshedoes,you’rewrong,Skylar.WhenIwasgoing

througharoughtime,awisegirloncetoldmethatlifewasshortandthatIwouldregretitifI
letNinagosoeasily.Thiswasthesamechickwhonearlyknockedmyteethout.Haveyou
seenthisgirl?Shewasbadass.Sheneedstotakeherownadvicerightaboutnow.”

Istartedtolaughalittlethroughmytears,rememberingthatday.“I’mjustscared.”
“That’showyoureallyknowyoulovethedude.Lovecan’texistwithoutfear.Ifthe

thoughtoflosingsomeonedoesn’tscaretheshitoutofyou,thenit’snotlove.”

MyheartbeatfasterasIrealizedwhatIwasabouttodo.“CanyoutellNina,I’mso

sorry,butIhavetoleave?”

CHAPTER18

MITCH

“Goodnight,princess.”IkissedSummerontheforeheadasItuckedherintobed.I

hadbeenbabysittingmysisterwhilemyfatherandhiswifewereout.

ThiswasthesecondweekendtripI’dmadetoPennsylvaniarecently.Shedeservedto

haveabrotherwhowasn’tcompletelyabsentfromherlife,andforonce,Iwasmakingan
efforttoputasidemydifferenceswithmyfather.Somethinginmylifeneededtogoright
wheneverythingelsehadgonetoshit.

WehadspentthenightplayingMonopoly,andIlethershowmehowtomakeher

favoriteRiceKrispytreats.Iwouldhaveletherstayupwaypastherbedtime,butshefinally
gottuckeredoutandaskedtogotosleep.

Myfather’slivingroomwasdarkexceptforthelightfromthetelevision.Thesmellof

cigarettesmokeingrainedinthedated,tweedcouchwaspungent.Isat,flippingmindlessly
throughthechannels,wishingIcouldtalktoSkylarandtellherallaboutSummer.Iwisheda
lotofthingswhenitcametoSkylar,namelythatthepastyearneverhappened.Ihadmadea
lotofstupidmistakesinmyeffortstoforgetthepainthatsheinflictedonme.Yet,the
longingforherhadmanagedtoonlyintensify.

Shehadn’tcontactedmeinmonths.So,aboutanhourlater,whenmyphonerangand

hernamepoppeduponthescreen,Icouldn’tbelievemyeyes.

“Skylar?”
“Hi.”
Myeyelidsclosedtight,cherishingthesoundofhervoice.“Areyouokay?”
“I’matthelobbyofyourdorm.Areyouheretoletmeup?”
“Mydorm?You’reinBoston?”
“Yes.NinaandJakehadtheirengagementparty,andIlefttherestauranttocome

here.”

Ithrewoneofthepillowsinfrustration.“Shit.I’minPennsylvaniavisitingmysister.”
Shesniffled.“Youare?”Hervoicesoundedhoarse.“Wow…that’sgreat.I—”
“Skylar,areyoucrying?”
Shehesitated.“Yes.Icameheretotellyousomething.”
Itwasnoisywhereshewas,andIhadtroublehearingher.“Listen,canyougo

somewherequiet?”

“Where?”
“There’sapianoroomdownthehallofthelobby,thefirstdoorontheleftbeforeyou

gettotheguardbooth.Noone’severinit.”

“Okay.I’mwalking.”Thephoneshuffledasshemoved.“I’mhere.It’sempty.”
“Closethedoor.”Ihearditshut,drowningouttheearliernoise.“Now,tellmewhat

youcametheretosay.”

“Thisishardforme,”shesaid.
“I’llstayonthephonewithyouaslongasyouneed.Youcouldrecitethefucking

phonebook,andthatwouldokayrightaboutnow.It’sjustsogoodtohearyourvoice.Take
yourtime.”

“There’sstuffIneedtotellyou.Idon’tknowwheretobegin.Ishouldreallydothisin

person.”

“No.No!I’mnotgonnawasteanothersecondofmylifewonderingwhatyou’re

thinking.Ineedtoknoweverything,andIneedtohearitnow.”

“Iloveyou,Mitch.”
Myheartbeataccelerated.
“Iloveyou,too.Ineverstopped.Youknowthat,right?”
“IhavetotellyouwhyIreallybrokeupwithyou.IthoughtIwasdoingtherightthing

foryou.”

“You’vesaidthat,butIdon’tunderstand.”
Shepaused.
“There’saverygoodchanceIcan’thavebabies,Mitch.Thetreatments…theydestroyed

myeggs.”

IstaredattheFamilyGuyepisodeplayingonthetelevisionasmymindabsorbed

whatshe’ssaid.What?Icouldn’tbelieveshekeptthatfromme.Atthesametime,Iwas
devastatedforher.Itallmadesensenow.

“Mitch…areyoustillthere?”
“YouthoughtIwouldleaveyouifyoucouldn’thavekids?”
“ItwasmorethatIwasafraidyouwouldn’t,butthatovertime,asyougotolderand

wantedachildofyourown…youwouldresentme.”

Myemotionswereallovertheplace.Ineededhertounderstand,somyvoicewas

louderthanIintended.“Yougotitwrong.Idon’twantachildifit’snotwithyou.Iwillnever
wantonewithsomeoneelse.Doyouunderstandme?Nothingmatterstomebutyou.I’m
justafuckingwalkingshellwithoutyou.”

Shewasquietandsighedintothephone.“There’ssomethingelseIhavetotellyou.”
“Okay…”
Thelongbreaththatescapedherwasloudinmyear.“IspentthesummerinNewYork

andmetthisgirlwholivedinthecity.Sheintroducedmetohercousin.HisnamewasChad.”

Mystomachsuddenlyfeltsick.Iknewwherethiswasgoing.
“Okay…”
“Iwastryinghardtogetoveryou…andIendeduplettinghimhavesexwithme.”
IletoutthebreathIhadbeenharboringandcouldtastethebileforminginmythroat.

Myeyesgettingstabbedoutwouldhavefeltbetterthanhearingthat.Itriedtoactcalm,but
mylaboredbreathingwasadeadgiveawaytomytruefeelings.Myhandsformedintofistsas
Iresistedpunchingthewall.“Okay…okay.Isthatit?Youwereprotected,right?”

Shewastalkingatwarpspeed.“Yes,ofcourse.Ithappenedsofast,anditwashorrible.

Ineverevensawhimagain.Myfirsttimeshouldhavebeenyours,andIfeltsosickaboutit
after.IdiditbecauseIthoughtitwouldhelpmemoveon,anditdidjusttheopposite.I—”

“Okay.Don’ttellmeanymore,alright?Ican’thandleit.Ijustwanttomovepastthis.”
Shedirectedtheconversationtowardme.“Haveyoudatedanyone?”
Iwassilent,unsureofhowtoexplainittoher.Sincewewerebeinghonest…“Islept

withtwogirls.Iwaslonely,andthemoretimethatpassed,Ididn’tthinkyouwerecoming
back.Thefirsttimewastheone-nightstandwhenIstupidlytextedyouafter.Then,attheend
oflastsemester,Istartedkindofdatingsomeone.Nothingcameofit.Itcontinuedoverthe
summer,butIwasneverintoher,andsheknewit.Shit,Istillhadyourfuckingpicturesall
overmyroom.ShewantedsomethingmoreseriousthanIcouldgiveher.Inthebeginning,
sheactedlikeshewasokaywithkeepingthingscasual,butsheendedupchanginghertune.
Anyway,shefreakedwhenIendedit.ItoldherIwasstillinlovewithyou.Then,she

wouldn’tstopcallingandstartedactingkindofpsychotic.Itwasamess,butit’sover.”

“Whatwashername?”
“Hername?Charisma.”
Iheardasharpintakeofbreath,andthenitsoundedlikethephonedropped.
Shit.
“Skylar…areyouthere?”
Hervoicewasunsteadywhenshereturnedtothephone.“IsshefromNewYork?”
“Yes.Whydoesitmatter?”
“ThegirlImetinthecity—ohmyGod—it’sher.”
“What?”
“It’sher.Shecameintomywork…pretendedtowanttobuyfabric.Howdidsheknow

whereIworked?”Ifeltvomitstarttoriseinmystomachasshecontinued,“Shesetmeup
withherscumbagcousin.Itoldherallmysecrets.Mitch,I…ItoldherwhyIreallybrokeup
withyou!”

Skylarstartedtocryharder,andmyheartcouldn’ttakeit.
Thiscouldn’thavehappened.
Icouldn’tholditinanymoreasIrantothebathroomandthrewupinthetoiletwith

thephonestillinmyhand.

Iwouldneverforgivemyself.
Ididn’tknowthenthattheworstwasyettocome.

CHAPTER19

CHARISMA

Youknowthatsong,WhateverLolaWants?Yeah.Thatcould’vebeenwrittenabout

me.

IwasusedtogettingwhateverIwanted.Myparentsneversaidnotome,soasayoung

adult,Ihadahardtimeacceptingrejection.WhenIfirstlaideyesonMitch,IknewIneeded
tohavehim.HewasthemostbeautifulmalespecimenIhadeverseen:perfectbuild,striking
eyesandbetterhairthanmostgirls.Therewasalsosomethingabouthisunattainable
attitudethatquicklytransformedmynormalattractiontohimintofrenziedlust.

AfewofmyhousematesfromWellesleyandIhadtakenthetrainovertoBUforan

off-campuspartyonBeaconStreet.ThatwaswhereInoticedhimsittinginacorneralone,
drinkingabeer.HewaswearingaYankeescapbackwards,histhickhairstickingoutfrom
underneath.Thegrayt-shirtheworehuggedeverytautmuscle.Iwatchedhimwraphisfull
lipsaroundthebottle,andmypantiesbecamewetjustimaginingitwasmybreast.

Itlookedlikehismindwassomewhereelse,though.Ineededtoturnthatattentionto

meandonlyme.Sincemyfatherwasadie-hardYankeesfan,Iknewalittlesomethingabout
baseball.So,IstartedaconversationwithhimabouttheYankees’lastwinovertheRedSox.
Afterawhile,heseemedtoloosenupandwespentmostofthatnighttalkinginthesame
corner.

IaskedifIcouldseehisdormroomandwhenhetookmeinside,thefirstthingI

noticedwerepicturesofsomeprettylittlethingplasteredalloverthewallabovehisdesk.

“Youhaveagirlfriend?”
“No,”hesaidcoldlywithoutofferinganyotherinformation.Imadeamentalnoteto

figureoutwhothehellshewas.

Hewasgivingmeavibethathewasn’tthatintome.Ofcourse,thatonlymademe

wanthimmore.Hehadn’ttriedtomakeamoveonme,andIwenthomefeelingdefeatedbut
determined.

Intheweeksthatfollowed,Imadenosecretofmygrowingfeelingsforhim.Iwasvery

touchyfeelyandfinallycamerightoutandtoldhimIwantedhim.Hemadeitveryclearthat
hedidn’twantarelationshipbutseemedopentosomethingcasual.Ipretendedlikethatwas
okaywithmebutsecretlyvowedtostepupmygame.

I’dwearmysexiestoutfitsandbringhimtakeoutfromhigh-endrestaurantson

NewburyStreet.Ievenmadeupalongstoryaboutabadbreakuptotryandgethimtoopen
uptomeabouther.AfterIsharedmy“story,”hefinallystartedtalking.

Skylar.
Thatbitchbrokeupwithhim.Unbelievable.Ididn’tunderstandhowshecoulddrop

himlikeahotpotatoafterallthoseyearstogether.Thegoodnewswastheyhadn’thadsex.
Thebadnews:thelookinhiseyestoldmehewasfarfromoverher.Iwouldhavegiven
anythingifhehadfeltthatwayaboutme.ThemoreIgottoknowhim,themoreIknewI
neededtosomehowmakethathappen.Hewasthewholepackage:gorgeous,smartandloyal.

AfewnightsafterheopeneduptomeaboutSkylar,weslepttogetherforthefirst

time.Isortofpusheditonhim,andhedidn’tbackdown.Eventhoughheseemeddistantand
removedfromthesituation,itwasthebestsexI’deverhadbecauseIwassophysically

attractedtohim.Hiscockwasenormous,andhisbodywasjacked.Icouldhavecomefrom
justrubbingupagainsthim.HewasbyfarthehottestguyIhadeversleptwith.Beingwith
himdidwonderfulthingsformyego.Likeadruggie,Ibecamequicklyaddicted,vowingto
makehimmine.Iconvincedmyselfhecouldgrowtolovemethewayhelovedher.

Itwasthemiddleofthesummer.Mitchwasallowedtostayatthedormsincehe

workedoncampus.Ihadanoff-campusapartmentnearWellesleyCollegeandstayedtobe
nearhimeventhoughIwassupposedtohavegonebacktoManhattantohousesitformy
parents.

Whenhewasasleeponenight,Isearchedhisphonetofindoutifhe’dbeenincontact

withher.ThelasttextreceivedfromSkylarsaidshewasworkinginNewYorkCityatafabric
storethathappenedtobeclosetomyparents’apartment.Luckyme.ThatwaswhenIdevised
myplan.Iwouldmeether,trytofigureoutwhathesawinherandthencreateawaytokeep
themapartforgood.ItoldMitchIhadtogethometotakecareofsomethingsandtookthe
USAirwaysshuttlethenextday.

ThefirsttimeIwenttoherwork,shewasn’tthere,butthesecondtimewasthecharm.

Ipretendedtowanttobuyfabric,struckupaconversation,andsheagreedtogoclubbing
withme.

Eventually,weendedupgettingtogetherafewtimesaweek.SheworkedThursday

andFridayatthestore.WewouldhangoutthoseeveningsandagainonSaturdaynights.
Littledidsheknow,IwouldflybacktoBostontherestoftheweektobewithMitch.

Ineededtoknowwhethershestillhadfeelingsforhim,andthebestwaytogetherto

openupwastogethersloshed.Shesaidshedidn’tdrink,soIstartedmakingherthe
fruitiest,girliestconcoctionsIcouldthinkof.

“Thisdoesn’teventastelikeithasalcoholinit,”she’dsay.
Yup.That’sthepoint.Drinkup.
Itstartedtowork.She’daskmetomakehermoredrinks,andasagoodlittle

bartender,Ihappilyobliged.Onenight,shetoldmeeverythingIwantedtoknow.Itwasa
shocktofindoutwhatshehadbeenthrough,especiallythecancerandtheinfertility.I
actuallyfeltbadforherbutnotenoughtogiveherMitch.IknewthenmorethaneverthatI
hadtobeaggressive.Shewasstillinlovewithhimandwouldeventuallyrealizeshecouldn’t
livewithouthim.He’dleavemeforherinaheartbeatthesecondshecamecalling.Icouldn’t
letthathappen.

Thefirststepwastodevirginizeher.IwasprettyconvincedpartofthereasonMitch

heldSkylaruponsuchapedestalwasbecauseshewasavirgin.Hesawherasthisangelicgirl
savingherselfforhim.Thathadtochange.So,Ienlistedmytrustymanwhoreofacousin,
Chad,towooher.

Fromthebeginning,heknewhismission.Theproblemwas,hewassupposedtostick

aroundandromanceheralittle.Iwashopingbysomemiracle,they’dactuallylikeeach
other.Instead,hebailedafterhefoundoutshewasstillavirginwhenhebangedher.Iknew
thatwoulddeterhimfromhelpingme,soIomittedthatlittletidbitandlethimfindouton
hisown.

MyplanbackfiredbecauseafterChadscrewedherover,allshewouldtalkaboutwas

Mitch.Iputonmybestsympatheticfrontbutwaspanickinginside.Mycarefullyconstructed
planwascrumblingaroundme,anddesperatetimescalledfordesperatemeasures.

Ihadtothinklongandhard.Whatwastheonethingthatwouldkeepherawayfrom

him?Therewasonlyoneanswer.Italsohappenedtobetheonethingthatwouldbindhimto
me.Ineededtogetpregnant.Itwasalittleextreme,butkeepinghimwasallthatmatteredto

me.MycarryingMitch’schildwouldtraumatizehersobadlythatshe’dhavenochoicebutto
leaveusalone.Hewasagoodguywho’dstickbymeandtakeresponsibility.He’dgrowto
lovemebecauseI’dgivehimtheonethingshecouldn’t.

Theonlycomplicationwouldbewhenshediscoveredmyidentity.WhatwouldIdoif

sheeverrattedmeout?Itriednottothinkthatfarahead,needingtokeepmyeyeonthe
prize.Icouldalwaysmakeupastory,maybesayIdidn’trecognizeher…callitacoincidence.
Itwouldbealongshot,butthegoodthingwas,hedidn’tknowIlookedthroughhisphone.If
onlyIhadn’tbeenstupidenoughtogivehermyrealname.

Therehadtobeawaytoturnitaround.Forallheknew,shecameafterme.Icouldlie

andtellhimshegavemeafakename,twistitsothatitseemedlikeshewasacrazybitchwho
wasstalkingherexandhisnewgirlfriend.

Theexecutionofthisplanwasgoingtobethehardpart.Mitchwasalwaysverycareful

withprotection.Hewouldn’tgonearmeuntilthatcondomwason.So,IknewIcouldn’tplay
thewhole“I’monthepill”thing.

Whenschoolstartedupagain,Ibegansuggestingthathecometomyapartment

insteadofmygoingovertothedorm.ImadeitveryenticingsinceIhadjustgottena60-inch
flatscreenwithHD,completewithaccesstoallofthepremiumsportschannels.Helovedto
watchthebaseballgamesanddidn’thavecable.Wheneverwe’dhavesexatmyplace,I’d
reachintothenightstandandgraboneofthecondomsfrommystash—theonesIhad
carefullypinnedtinyholesintowithasewingneedle.Wehadsexaboutsixtimesusingthem.
AllIcoulddowashope.

ThingshadbeengoingaccordingtoplanuntilonenightwhenMitchcameoverand

lookedlikehe’dbeenrunoverbyatrain.Hetoldmethingsweregettingtooseriousbetween
usandthatitwasn’tfairtomebecausehewasstillinlovewithSkylar.Hetoldmehedidn’t
thinkhecouldevergivemeanythingmorethanacasualfriendswithbenefitsrelationship
andthatsinceheknewIwantedmore,heneededtoenditnowbeforeitwentanyfurther.

Irefusedtolosehimbecauseofthatself-righteousbitch.Ipanicked.Thatentireweek,

Icalledhimrepeatedly,begginghimtoreconsider.IeventoldhimIlovedhim,thatI’ddo
anythingforhim.Iwaslosingmymindoverit.Thiswasn’thowthingsweresupposedtoplay
out.Hestoppedansweringmycallsaltogetherbytheendoftheweek,andwhenIshowedup
athisdorm,hisroommatesaidhetookofftoPennsylvaniafortheweekend.

Thatnight,itfeltlikethewallswerecavinginonme.Therewasonlyonerayofhope

left,andIwasholdingthekeytoitinmyhands.AsIopenedthewrapperandpeedonthe
stick,IprayedtoaGodwhowasprobablywritingmytickettohellatthatverymoment.After
anexcruciatingfive-minutewait,Ilookedattheplussignandwaspositivethathellwas
whereI’dendup.

PARTTWO:

FiveYearsLater

CHAPTER20

SKYLAR

Iletoutadeepbreath.“Isawhim.”
“YousawMitch?”
“Yes.”
“Thatexplainstheemergencyappointment.Idon’tnormallyseeyouonaTuesday.”

Dr.Rhodescrossedherlegsandsettledintoherupholsteredwingbackchair.Shemusthave
knownthissessioncouldrunlong.Sincemovingbackintotown,Ihadonlymetwithhera
fewtimesbeforethis.

“Wheredidyouseehim?”
“KevinandIhadgonetoTargettopickupafewthings.Iwasinthetoothpasteaisle,

andhewasrightthere.Ididn’tnoticehimatfirst.”

“Didyoutalktohim?”
“No.Ifroze.”
“Didhesayanythingtoyou?”
“Hesaidmyname,butthatwasit.Hewasjustasstunned,Ithink.Hiseyes…”
“Whatabouthiseyes?”
“Therewassomuchemotioninthem.Hewasalmostpleadingwithmewithouteven

sayinganything.God,helookedsodifferent.”

“Howso?”
“Notinabadway,just…new,Iguess.Hehadtattoosonhishands,andIcouldseeone

onhisneck.Hedidn’thaveasingleonewhenweweretogether.Andhe’sbiggernow.”

“Howdidseeinghimmakeyoufeel?”
Itriedtofindtherightword.Therewasreallyonlyonewaytodescribeit.“Alive.”
“Alive…why?”
“Feelingsthathavebeenburiedforyearsbombardedmeallatonce.AslongasIdidn’t

havetoseehim,IcouldimmersemyselfintothislifeI’vebuiltwithKevin,butwhenhewas
rightinfrontofme,itwasjustoverwhelming.ItmademerealizethatIhadn’treallymoved
forward.I’vejustbeeninaholdingpattern,makingbelieveitallneverhappened.”

“Namesomeofthosefeelings.”
“Guilt.”
“Why?”
“ForleavingwhenthingsgotroughbecauseIcouldn’thandlethepain.Iknewhewas

goingthroughhelltoobecauseofwhatthatbitchdid.Hedidn’tmeanforittohappen,butI
justcouldn’tbethereforhim,couldn’tstandbyandwatchwhileshe…”Ishutmyeyes.

Dr.Rhodesfinishedmysentence.“Hadhisbaby.”
Inoddedasateardropfell.Thinkingaboutitnevergoteasier.Sayingitoutloudwas

impossible.

MymotherandMitch’smomhadgrownapartafterJanismovedfromacrossthestreet

tolivewithherboyfriendinthenexttownover.Theywerealsoabitdividedbecauseofwhat
happened.So,myonlyconnectiontoMitchoverthepastfiveyearshadbeenDavey.Hehad
explicitinstructionsnottotellmeanythingunlessIasked,andherespectedthatbecausehe
understoodhowharditwasforme.Ididn’tevenhavethecouragetoattendDaveyandZena’s

weddingacoupleofyearsagooutoffearthatMitchwouldbethere.

AllIknewwasthatMitchhaddroppedoutofBU,movedbacktoNewJerseyandthat

Charismagavebirthtoaboywhowouldnowbeaboutfour-years-old.WhenKevin’sjob
transferredhimherefromMaryland,IhadtopreparemyselfforthefactthatI’dhavetoface
thethingsIhadbeenrunningfrom.ButIwantedtocomehome.Imissedmymother.Itwas
time.

“Youdidwhatyoufeltyouhadtodotosurvive,Skylar.There’snotellingthatthings

wouldhavebeenbetteroffforhimifyou’dstayed.Hewouldhavehadtodealwithyourpain
aswellashisown.Youwouldn’thavebeenabletochangethesituationifyouhadstuck
around.Youknewwhatyoucouldhandle,andyoumadethedecisionthatwasbestatthe
time.”

Ipickedthelintoffmyskirt.“Maybe.”
“Besidesguilt,whatelsedidyoufeelwhenyousawhim?”
Thiswasgoingtomakemesoundhorrible.“Lust.Wealwayshadastrongphysical

connection.I’veneverfeltanythinglikeitwithanyoneelse.Iwantedtotouchhim,butI
couldn’t.”

“Guilt,lust…whatelse?”
“Fear.Thatmighthavebeenthemostprominent.I’mafraidofwhathe’sbeen

through.I’mafraidthathehatesme.I’mafraidhe’sinlovewithsomeone.I’mafraidofthe
unknown,andI’mnotsureIeverwanttoknoweverything.”

“WhatdoesKevinknowaboutMitch?”
“HeknowswhathappenedbeforeIleftNewJersey,buthedoesn’tknowaboutthe

Targetrun-in.WhenIfirstmovedtoMarylandandmetKevin,hesawhowbrokenIwas.
Mitchisnotoneofhisfavoritepeopletoputitlightly,andit’sbetterifIkeepthistomyself.”

“Youthinkhe’dbeupset?”
“I’mnotverygoodathidingmyfeelings.IfItellhimaboutit,he’llknow.”
“He’llknowwhat?”
“Justthat…”
Sheadjustedherglasses.“Thatyou’restillinlovewithMitch.”

***

AcoupleofmonthsaftertheTargetincident,Kevinwaspreparingforhisusual

bimonthlybusinesstriptoVirginia.HewouldleaveonaTuesdaynightandcomehomeon
Friday.Kevinworkedforamedicaldevicecompanyasamanufacturingmanager.Thereason
forourmovehomewassothathecouldmanagetheirnewplantinNewJersey.Hestillhad
totravelbacktohisoldofficefromtimetotime.Ididn’tmindthisbecauseitgaveussome
spacefromeachother.Itwasn’tthatIdidn’twanttobearoundhim,buthelikedeverything
justso:thehouseclean,awarmmealeverynight,andhewantedtohavesexmorethanIdid.
Itwaskindofnicetobeabletojustloungearoundafterwork,eatcerealfordinnerandread
mybook.

“Haveyouseenmylightbluedressshirtwiththewhitelines?”
“No.”
“It’snotinthecloset.It’sgottobeinthelaundry.”
“Then,it’sdirty.”
“Youhaven’tdoneanylaundrysincelastweek?Whathaveyoubeendoing?”
“I’veworkedjustlikeyou,andthenI’vebeentothehospitalafewtimestovisitthe

kids.Youknowthat.”

“Sky,Ihavenoproblemwithyouvolunteeringwithsickchildren,butwhenthehouse

startsgoingtoshit,youreallyneedtobudgetyourtimebetter.”

“Icanwashitrealquick.”
“There’snotime!”
“Alright.I’msorry.”
“Youshouldbe.”
Justleave.Please.So,Icanbreathe.
Itwasn’tthatIhatedlivingwithKevin.Ijustpreferreditsometimeswhenhewas

away.Hewasdifficulttolivewith,butIrespectedhim.Hemademefeelsafeandhadsaved
meduringatimewhenIwasn’tsureIwasgoingtosurvive.

DepressionhadtakenovermylifewhenIfirstmovedtoMaryland.Itwasjustone

monthafterMitchdiscoveredCharismawaspregnant.Therewerestillalotofunknowns,
suchaswhethershecouldprovehewasthefather.Icouldn’tbeartobeanywherenearhim,
soItookoffwithoutaplan,initiallymovinginwithahighschoolfriendwhowenttocollege
outthere.

WhenIaskedDaveyaboutthebabyshortlyafteritwasborn,hetoldmethataDNA

testconfirmedMitch’spaternity.ThatwasallIneededtohear.Atthatpoint,IknewIwasn’t
cominghome,soIenrolledindesignschoolandgotmyownplace.

IhadjuststartedmyfreshmanyearatMarylandSchoolofDesignandlivedinanoff-

campusapartmentwhenImetKevin.Hewasmydownstairsneighbor,fiveyearsolderand
establishedinhiscareer.Spendingtimewithhimgavemesomethingtodobesidesthinking
aboutwhatIleftbehind.Itstartedasacasualfriendship.Kevinwasafoodieandintroduced
metoeclecticcuisines,likeEthiopianandMoroccan.Overtime,ourrelationshipturnedinto
somethingmore.WhenIfinallyopeneduptohimaboutMitch,hevowedtohelpmeforget.
SexwithKevinwasgood—notasgreataswhatIimaginedwithMitch—butcertainlybetter
thanmyfirsttimewithChad.Inrecentyears,though,thesparkthatexistedintheearlydays
hadsignificantlywaned.Itwassad,butlately,touchingmyselfwaspreferabletointercourse
withKevin.

Hewaspackinghissmallsuitcase,placingtravel-sizedtoiletriesintoplasticbags.His

flightwasat7:00intheevening.“IleftyoualistofstuffIneedyoutodoformethisweekon
astickynote.It’shangingonthefridge.”

“Okay.”
HelikedtothinkIwashissecretary.HemademoremoneythanIdidinmyjobasan

interiordesigner,soIguesshefeltIhadtoearnmyplacehere.Kevindidprovideagoodlife
forme.Ididn’twantforanythingandneverhadtoworryaboutpayingthebills.Eventhough
Iresentedhimsometimes,Ifeltthegoodoutweighedthebad.Nomanisperfect,right?

“AndSky,don’tforgetwehavedinnerwithoneofmysupervisors,RayMichaelsonand

hiswifeonFridaynight.Buyyourselfsomethingnicetowear,notlikethatreddressyou
worelasttime.Thatwastoolowcutinthefront.”

Notetoself:buydresswithlowbacktotheasstocompensate.
“Gotit.”
Myanxietylessenedwitheachsecondthatpassedashissuitcaserolledtowardthe

door.“I’llcallyouwhenIgetintonight.”Hegavemeapeckonthelips.

“Haveasafeflight.”
Asalways,IstoodatthewindowuntilhiscarwascompletelyoutofsightbeforeIlet

outadeepbreathandploppedonthecouchwithmykindle.

Afteranhourorso,ImeanderedintothekitchenandpouredsomeLuckyCharmsinto

abowl.Dinner.Done.Leaningagainstthecountereatingmycereal,Inoticedtheto-dolist

plasteredonthefridge.Pickupdrycleaning.Organizejunkdrawer.Istuckmymiddlefinger
upatthestickynoteandtookamarkertoit.

IrememberedthatDancingwiththeStarswasonandtookadvantageofthefactthat

I’dhavethetelevisiontomyself.Kevinwouldn’tbecaughtdeadwatchingoneofmyshows.
Whenhewashome,I’dusuallyreadinthebedroomwhilehewatchedtheHistoryChannelor
BBCAmerica.Halfwayintosomefootballplayer’sPasoDoble,Igotbored,putonmyreading
glassesandoptedtostartmynewbook.

Duringapivotalsexscene,myminddrifted,andsuddenly,theimageinmyheadofthe

mainmalecharactertransformedintoMitch.HewasdressedexactlyasIrememberedhim
fromTarget:paint-stainedjeans,unrulyhairandbig,rough,handswithtattooedletterson
hisfingers.Mitchhadgottenevenmorepainstakinglyhandsomewithageandhadclearly
beenworkingout.Hisnewroughexteriorwasdefinitelyworkingforme.Ithurtjustasmuch
asitbroughtmepleasuretohavethesethoughts.Still,Ijustcouldn’tstop.Withmyeyes
closed,IimaginedMitchdoingthethingstotheheroinethattheauthordescribed—the
heroinewhohappenedtobemyDoppelganger.Iclutchedmypinkblanketinfrustrationand
continuedtoreaduntilIfellasleep.

***

Aloudbangwokemeup.Itsoundedlikegunfireoranexplosion,andIimmediately

hoppedupfromthecouch.Withapalpitatingheart,Iranoutthefrontdoor.

Smokewasbillowingfromacaracrossthestreet.Amaninadarkhoodstoodinfront

ofitwithhisbackfacingmeasIapproachedcautiously.

“Iseverythingokayouthere?”
Hedidn’tsayanything.MynerveskickedinbecauseitdawnedonmethatIcouldhave

justinterruptedanattemptedbreak-in.Hewasn’tmoving,andjustasIwasabouttorunback
insideandcallthepolice,heturnedaround.

Crystalblueeyeslitupfromunderthedarknessofthehood.“Skylar…it’sme.”
Theshocknearlyknockedthewindoutofme,andIshuffledbackwards.Mybreath

wasvisibleinthefrigidnightairasItriedtocatchit.“Mitch?”

Wesilentlystaredateachotheruntilheadlightsfromanapproachingcarforcedmeto

moveoutofthewayandclosertohim.Hisfamiliarsmellinvadedmysenses,triggeringan
acuteonsetofunwanteddesire.MybodywasstillfrozenasIstoodthereconfused.Myteeth
chattered.

Hebrokethesilence.“I’msorry.It’scold.Gobackinside.”
Therewasthatlookagain,thesamepleadinglookhegavemeatTarget,likehiseyes

werescreamingamillionthingsatmewhilehesaidnothing.Somethingdeepwithinmewas
screamingbackathimevenlouderdespitemyownsilence.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Ifinallymanagedtoask.
Severalsecondslater,hisvoicewashoarsewhenhesaid,“Idon’tknow.”Helooked

downatthepavementandrepeatedinawhisper,“Idon’tfuckingknowwhatI’mdoinghere.”

“YouhappenedtobeoutsideofmyhouselateatnightlookingliketheGrimReaper

settingofffireworksorsomeshit,andthat’sallyouhavetosay?”

Helookedupattheskyandlaughed,shakinghishead.“Youalwaysmanagetomake

melaughatmyselfevenintheworstsituations.Howdoyoudothat?”

Mytonesoftened.“Seriously,what’sgoingon?”
“There’snogoodanswerforthat.So,I’dbettergo.I’llcallatowtruckformycar.”
Hestartedtowalkaway.
ItfeltlikeIwaslosingcontrolofmybladder.EventhoughIwasafraidtotalktohim

forfearofhavingtofacethingsthatwouldshatterme,Ijustcouldn’tlethimwalkaway.
“Wait.Don’tgo.”

Hestoppedinhistracksandturnedaround,lookingsurprisedashewalkedback

towardme.“I’mhere.”Hesaiditwithalevelofrawemotionthattoldmehemeantitinmore
waysthanone.

Iswallowed,andmyheartbeatfasterwitheverystephetook.
WhatwasIdoing?
“Doyouwanttocomein?”

CHAPTER21

MITCH

Hellyes,Iwannacomein.
Inoddedandfollowedheracrossthestreetandupthefewstepstoherdoor.
“Thankyouforinvitingmein,”Isaid,wipingmyfeetontheautumnleavesthatwere

etchedonherwelcomemat.

Skylar’shomewaswarmandwelcoming.Walkingintherehadfeltlikeasmall

reprievefromhellforaquickglimpseintoheaven.Therewassimplynoplaceelseinthe
worldI’dratherhavebeen.

Stillinshockthatsheevenaskedmeinside,Ifollowedherintothebrightwhiteand

marblekitchen.Sheimmediatelybeganpouringwaterintoastainlesssteelkettle.“I’llmake
sometea.Youlooklikeyoucoulduseit.”

SpikedwithJackDanielswouldbeideal,butI’lltakeit.
“Thanks,”IsaidasIloweredbyhood.
Myeyeswanderedovertotherefrigeratorwherealistwrittenonastickynotehadthe

words“Yeah…fuckyou”writtenoveritinredSharpie.Whatwasthatallabout?

Sheinterruptedmythoughts.“Howlongwereyououtthereanyway?”
“Aboutanhour…ormore.”
Shedidn’tneedtopryanyfurtheraboutwhatIwasdoingouttherebecauseatthis

point,itwaspainfullyobvious.

Shelookedbackatmeasshereachedintohercupboardforcups.“Noticeanything

interesting?”

“Huh?”
“Whileyouwereoutthere?”
Ichuckled.“Youstillbiteyourlowerlipwhenyou’reconcentratingonsomething.”
“And?”
“Yousmiletoyourselfforalongtimeafteryoulaughatthetelevision.”
“Anythingelse?”
“Yourroofcoulduseanupdate.”
“Wow…call1-800-Stalker,getfreehomeimprovementadvice.”Whenshecrackeda

smallsmile,Ireturneditandstartedtocalmdown.

Theteapotwhistled,andshewenttothestovetopourthesteamingwaterintotwo

ceramiccups.SheaddedsugarandmilkwithoutaskingbecausesheknewhowIlikedit.She
placedthecuponasaucerandasshehandedittome,itshookfromhertremblinghand.
Eventhoughshehadbeenjokingaround,Iwasclearlymakinghernervous.Mychestfilled
withhopebecausethatonlyconfirmedthatIstillhadaneffectonher.

Myhandintentionallylingeredonhersforafewsecondsasshehandedmethetea.

“Thankyou.”Then,thereflectionofsomethingglimmeringcaughtmyeyes,whichwerenow
gluedtothelargediamondonherleftringfinger.Myentirebodytensed,andmyheartfelt
likeitwasgoingtoleapoutofmychest.

Fuck.Me.Shewasengaged.
Shenoticedmelookingdownatit,andthenoureyesmet.
Afteralongmomentofsilence,shebroketheice.“So,whathaveyoubeenuptothe

pastfiveyears,Mitch?Whoa…déjàvu.Haven’tIaskedyouthatbefore?”

“Yes.Exceptthistimeyou’retheonethatdisappeared.”
Hersmilefaded,anditwasclearIhadtouchedanerve.Shelookeddown.“Idid,didn’t

I?I’msorry.Ijustcouldn’t—”

“Please…don’t.”Mytonewasharsherthanintended.Iimmediatelyloweredmyvoice.

“Youdon’towemeanapology.Iunderstandexactlywhyyouleft.I’mjustsorryIputyouina
positionwhereyoufeltyouhadtorunawayfromhome.Don’teverblameyourselfformy
mistakes.Ever.Whathappenedwasallmyfault,Skylar.”

Sheclosedhereyesandletoutalong,seeminglyendlessbreath.
Ijustwantedtofuckingholdher.
“Mybeinghereisupsettingyou.Doyouwantmetoleave?”
“No.IknewI’dhavetofaceyousoonerorlater.Ijustwasn’tpreparedforittobe

tonight.”

“Iknow.Itwasn’tsupposedtobelikethis.Ididn’tmeanto—”
“Getcaught?”
Icouldn’thelpbutsmile.“Yeah.”
“You’renotaverygoodstalker.Youshouldkeepyourdayjob.”
“Well,whatkindofvictimareyou,invitingmeinforSleepytimetea?”
Everytimeoureyesmet,youcouldpracticallyfeelthestaticintheair.Itpleasedmeto

noendthatdespiteallthathadhappened,ourconnectionwasstillasstrongasever.

Theheatinherhousewasblasting,andIwasburningup.“DoyoumindifItakeoff

myjacket?”

“Sure.”
HereyeswandereddowntomychestassoonasIremovedit.Atleastmyworkout

addictionwaspayingoff.Ididittoburnoffsteam,butifSkylarlikedwhatshesaw,thenthat
wasahugebonus.

Sheswallowed.“Youlookgood.”
“Sodoyou…amazing,actually.”Didsheever.Shehadfilledoutinalltherightplaces.

Shewasstillpetite,justalittlecurvierthanIremembered.Shewasn’twearingabraunder
herwhitecottonshirt,probablybecauseshewasn’texpectingguests.So,Ihadtoforcemy
eyesupward.Nowwasnotthetimetogetcaughtstaringathertits.Shealreadyoutedmeasa
“stalker,”anotsodistantcousinto“perv.”Myjawtightenedwhenithitmethatherbeautiful
bodybelongedtoanothermannow.Him.Thatwasimpossibletoaccept.Adrenalinepumped
throughme.Ineededtogetherback.Ididn’tcareifittookmeforever.

Thefirststepwasgettingthehardpartoutoftheway.
Iputmyteaonthecounterandlookeddeeplyintohereyes.“Iknowyoudon’twantto

hearit,butpleaseletmetellyoueverything.”

Shelookedawayandthenquicklynoddedherhead.“Okay.”Shewrappedherarms

aroundherself.Whateverlightmoodexistedminutesagowasgone.“It’slikeI’vebeenina
comaforfiveyears,andI’mjustwakingup,Mitch.Itstillfeelslikeitwasjustyesterday.”

Ittookeverythinginmenottoreachforher.Iwasdyingtotakeherinmyarms,totell

herhowsorryIwasforallofthepainmyactionshadcaused,butIknewIneededtokeepmy
distance.

“I’llonlytellyouwhatyouwanttoknow.Daveytoldmeaboutyourlittleagreement,

thatyoudidn’twanthimtotellyouanythingunlessyouasked.So,Iwantyoutodirectthis
conversation.Askmeanything,okay?Don’tbeafraid.”

“Let’sgointhelivingroom.”

Ifollowedherintotheroomthathadbeenthebackdropofmywindowintoherworld

thesepastcoupleofmonths.Itfeltstrangetobesittingonthesamecream-coloredsofaI
usedtostareatfrommycar.Itwaslikewalkingintomyfavoritetelevisionshow.

Shesatonthefarthestendofthecouchfromme.ApictureofSkylarandhimstanding

infrontoftheWashingtonmonumenttauntedmefromtheendtable.

“Youhavealittleboy…”
“Yes.HisnameisHenry.”
AteardropfellfromhereyealmostinstantlyafterIsaidhisname.Iguessthatmadeit

realforher.Iwishedshecouldhaveknownhim.Shewouldhavefeltdifferently.Hewasmy
worldnow.

Shesniffled.“He’sfour?”
“Yes.”
Hermouthquivered.“Isshearound?Areyouwithher?”
“WithCharisma?”Icouldn’tbelieveshewouldeventhinkthat.Mytonewasshrill.“Of

course,not…afterwhatshedidtoyou…tous?YouthinkIwouldgetinvolvedwiththatcrazy
bitch?”Thatquestionhadangeredme,andIsuddenlyrealizedwhyshewassoscaredtofind
outinformationaboutme.SheactuallythoughttherewasachanceCharismawasapartof
mylife.Thatbrokemyheart.Ineededtoclarifythisrealfast.“Theonlygoodthingthat
womaneverdidwasgivebirthtomyson.Otherthanthat,she’sgarbageasfarasI’m
concerned.Actually…shedidoneothergoodthing.Shetookoff.”

“What?”
“Ihavefullcustody.”
“Idon’tunderstand.Howcouldshedothat?”
“Ineedtotellyouthewholestory.CanI?”
Clutchingthepinkblanket,shenoddedandsettledintoherseat.
Itookadeepbreathandgearedmyselfup.“Afteryouleft,mygradeswereinthetoilet,

andIlostmyscholarshipbecauseitwascontingentonkeepingupacertainGPAevery
semester.Onestrike,you’reout.So,Imovedhome.CharismastayedbackatWellesleythe
wholetimeshewaspregnant.Istilldidn’tknowatthatpointifthebabywasevenmine.Iwas
inareallyroughplace.Thefollowingsummer,hewasborninManhattan.Sheputmyname
onthecertificateasthefather.ADNAtestlaterconfirmedit.Istilldon’tunderstandhowit
happenedsinceIwasneverwithherwithoutprotection.Anyway,shetriedonelasttimeto
convincemetogiveherachance.Shetriedtolietomeaboutwhathappenedbetweenyou
andherandtriedtomakeitseemlikeshedidn’thavethiswholethingplannedout.ButI
knewbetter.Youhavetoknow,Ineveronceconsideredbeingwithher,Skylar…notevenfora
splitsecond.”

Sheletoutasighofreliefbutsaidnothing.
Icontinued,“Thatsummer,Igotajobworkinginconstructionandwouldtravelto

NewYorkonweekendstoseeHenry.Shetoldmeshewasplanningongoingbackto
Wellesleytofinishherlastyearthatfall.WhenIaskedwhowouldbetakingcareofthebaby,
shetoldmeherparentsweregoingtohiresomeone.Itdidn’tfeelright.ItoldherIwantedto
takemysontolivewithmewhileshewasinschool.Mymotherofferedtostayhomeand
watchhimwhileIworked.Charismaactuallyagreedtoit.Shesawhimmaybethreetimes
thatschoolyear.Ididn’tcarebecauseIdidn’twantherbadenergyaroundhim.Aftershe
graduated,shetookajobinNewYorkandtoldmeshewasgonnafightforfullcustody.She
tookmetocourt,andthejudgeruledthatshecouldhavehimduringtheweek,andI’dget
himonweekends.I’mprettysurehiredstrangersweretakingcareofhimduringthose

weeks.”

“Idon’tgetit.Howdidsheendupagreeingtoyourgettingfullcustody?”
“WhenHenryturnedtwo,thingschanged.Westartedtonoticethathedidn’thavethe

samekindofeyecontactasotherkids,andhewasn’tusinganywords.Hewasn’tpointingto
things.Hestoppedsleepingthroughthenightandwashavingalotoftantrumswherehe’dbe
inconsolable.Evenwiththelittletimeshespentwithhim,shecouldn’thandlehimanymore.
Shewastooself-centeredtodealwithit.HernewboyfriendwasfromEuropeandwantedher
totravel.Let’sjustsay,Henrywouldn’tdowellonaTransatlanticflight.Shestartedletting
mehavehimmoreoften.Eventually,Iaskedforfullcustody,andshejust…gaveittome.
Skylar,shedidn’tevenputupafight.”

“Ijust…wow.Ican’tbelievethat.”
“Ayearago,shemovedtoLondonwiththeboyfriend.She’sseenhersononetime

sincethen.So,anyway…fuckher.Aroundthetimeshemoved,Igothimintoseea
neurologist.Theydiagnosedhimwithsomethingcalledpervasivedevelopmentaldisorder,
butit’ssincebeenupgradedtoautism.”

“Henrystillcan’ttalk?”
Iofferedaslightsmile,unabletocontainmyreliefthatsheusedmyson’sname.I

didn’twanthertoviewhiminanegativelightbecauseofhowhecameintotheworld.He
didn’tdeservethat.“No.Hetriestosoundoutsomewords,buthe’snon-verbal.It’snoteasy.
Mymotherhasbeenahugehelp.Wefinallygothimonthiswaitinglistforstate-funded
therapy,butithasn’tstartedupyet.ThankGodmyjobhasgoodbenefitstocoverallthese
doctorappointments.”

“You’restillworkinginconstruction?”
“Yeah,butImanagethecompanynow,too.I’malsoapartowner.So,it’samixofsite

workandofficestuff.It’sagoodgig.Whereareyouworking?”

“I’mactuallytryingtostartmyowninteriordesignbusiness.Ionlyhaveacoupleof

privateclientsrightnow.So,businessisslow,butself-promotionisthefull-timejob.I’m
designingawebsitemyselfatthemoment.”

“That’sreallycool.Thatwasalwayswhatyousaidyouwantedtodo…interiordesign.”
ShechangedthesubjectbacktoHenry.“Doyouhaveapictureofhim?”
“Asamatteroffact,Ido.”Itookoutmyphoneandscrolledthrough,pullingupa

photoofHenryinthebathtubsmilingwithsudsalloverhishead.“Helovesthewater.”

Shecoveredhermouthwithherhand,andhereyesbecamewateryagainasshetook

thephonefromme.Ididn’taskwhatshewasthinkingbecauseitfeltlikeaprivatemoment.I
hadtoremindmyselfshewasseeinghimforthefirsttime.Asshecontinuedtogazeatthe
image,Itooktheopportunitytogazeather.Witheverypassingsecond,Iwonderedhowthe
hellIwasgoingtowalkoutofheretonight.Icouldn’tevenseemtomovefromthiscouch.

Ididn’twanttoask,butIhadtoknowwhatIwasupagainst.“Tellmeaboutthisguy

you’rewith.Whereishetonight?”

“Kevin.”
Kevin.
“You’rereallygoingtomarryhim?”
“Heaskedme.Isaidyes.”
“Butisthereadateset?”
“No.”
Thankfuck.IthinkIjustgothard.
“Youneversaidwherehewas.”

“HegoesawayforafewdaystoVirginiatwiceamonth.”
Thatexplainedwhysometimeshewasn’thome.
“Areyouhappy?”
Shedidn’trespond.
“Thishouseisafuckingmess,Sky.”
“Whatthehellwasthat?”Iasked.
“Youdon’tknowwhothatis?”
“Seamus?He’sstillalive?”
Shegotupfromthecouch,wentupstairsandreturnedwiththebirdproppedonher

finger.Shehandedhimtome.

“Hey,littleguy.Rememberme?”
Heflappedhiswingsinexcitement.“Thishouseisafuckingmess,Sky.”
“Whyishesayingthat?”
“HeoverheardKevinandmearguingonenight.Thatwasthephrasethatstuck.You

knowhowunpredictablehecanbe.”

Kevinsoundslikearealwinner.
IlookedSeamusintheeye.Overthepastfiveyears,thisbirdhasseeneverythingI

wasn’tableto.Hewasbeingreallyfriendlytome,whichwasuncharacteristic.Ilikedtothink
hewassendingmeamessage.AtleastthatwaswhatIthoughtuntilhesprayedmewithlime
greenshitdroplets.“Aw,man!Youhaven’tchangedonebit!”

Skylarcouldn’tcontainherlaughter.“YoulooklikeyougotslimedattheKidsChoice

Awards.”

“Whathaveyoubeengivinghimtoeat?Goddamn.”
ShetookSeamus.“I’llbringhimbacktohiscageandgetyouacleanshirt.”
Sheranupstairsandreturnedwithaplainwhitet-shirt,throwingittome.“Here.He

won’tmissthis.”

“Areyousure?”
Shewasstilllaughing.“It’sfine.”
AsIliftedoffmysoiledshirt,Iwatchedcloselytogaugeherreaction.
“Whoa.Whendidyougetallthose?”
Hereyeszonedinonthethreetattoosonmychest,specificallytheoneofhername

scrawledacrossthetop.

“Doesthatmakeyouuncomfortable?”
“No.”
Ipointedtothenametattoo.“Thisonewasdonerightafteryouleft.Igotmostof

themduringthetimeI’dmovedbackhomebeforeHenrywasborn.Itbecamelikean
addiction.IwastryingtofindawaytoexpresshowlostIwaswithoutyou—stillaminmany
ways.TheonlydifferenceisnowIhavemysontotakemymindoffit.”

Sheslowlywalkedtowardmeandranherfingertipsfromlefttorightacrosstheletters

thatspelledoutSKYLAR.Sheplacedherhandovermyheartthatwasbeatingoutofcontrol.
Shekeptherhandthereasshelookeddownatthewordsspreadacrossmyabdomen.

Tobecontinued…becausetrueloveneverends.
Then,sheplacedherhandonmyinnerforearmwhereitsaid,Timecan’thealwounds

thatcutthroughyourheart.

Shelookedupatme.“They’rebeautiful.”
“Soareyou.”
Fightingtheurgetograbherandkisshersenseless,Islippedthecleangarmentover

myhead.Asshecontinuedtolookupatme,Ifeltit.Herheartstillbelongedtome.Ididn’t
wanttolivewithoutheranymore,butitwouldbealongroadtogettingherback.Itwouldbe
worthit.Ijusthadtobepatientandnotrushthings.Ineededtostartbybeingherfriend
again.Iwouldrebuildwhatwehadfromthegroundup.

Inthatmoment,Ivowedthatnomatterwhatittook,theshirtwouldn’tbetheonly

thingI’dbestealingfromhim.

CHAPTER22

SKYLAR

Kevinpulledoutmychair.“Youreallylookstunningtonight.”
“Thanks.”
Idecidednottointentionallyembarrasshimforonceandkeptmywardrobechoice

modest.Eventhoughrufflinghisfeatherswasmorefun,IfigureditwastheleastIcoulddo
consideringthebetterpartofthepastweekwasspentfantasizingovermyex-boyfriend’s
chest,whichhadapparentlybecomeashrineinhonorofme.

Tonight,wewereatdinnerwithoneofKevin’sco-workers,RayMichaelsonandhis

wife,Linda.

Lindaplacedaclothnapkinonherlap.“So,Sky,Kevintellsmeyou’reaninterior

designer?”

“Yes.I’mstartingmyowncompany,actually.It’sstillintheearlystages.Whatdoyou

do?”

“Idon’twork,butIchairmycommunityAgriburbiaboard.”
“Agriwhat?”
“Agriburbia.”
“Thatsoundslikeadigestiveissue…”
Kevinputhisforkdown.“Sky…”
Iwhispered,“Iwasjustmakingajoke.Sorry.”
Lindacontinued,“Actually,it’saconceptforintegratingagriculturalproductionwith

housingdevelopments.”

“Ah…verynice.”Itookasipofwater.
Kevinrolledhiseyes.
“Haveyoutwosetadate?”Rayasked.
Ihatedthisquestion.“Well—”
Kevinchimedin.“Iwasthinkingsummer.Whataboutyou,Sky?”
“Wehaven’treallydiscussedit,Kev.”
“Iknow,butsummerwouldbeideal,andwe’renothavinganythingbiganyway,sowe

shouldhaveenoughtimetoplan.”

“Okay,well,weshouldtalkaboutthisinprivateanothertime.”
Lindaclaspedherhandstogether.“Summerweddingsarefabulous.Youcouldbook

somethingdowntheshoreor…Ray,whataboutyourunclewholivesintheHamptons?Do
youthinkhe’dbewillingtorentouthishousefortheevent?Wouldn’tthatbetheperfect
venueforawedding?”

Great.Now,agriburbibitchwasplanningmywedding?
“Ithinkwe’llbegood,butthankyou.”
Kevinturnedtoher.“Actually,Linda,wouldyoumindlookingintothat?AHamptons

weddingmightbenice.”

Iclearedmythroat.“Excuseme.Don’tIhaveasayinthis?”
“Sky…comeon.Ijustaskedhertolookintoit.”
“Well,Idon’twanttogetmarriedintheHamptons.”
RayandLindaquietlymunchedontheirsaladsasthemoodbecametense.

Afterdinnerthatnight,Kevinpausedbeforestartingthecar.
“Doyoumindtellingmewhat’sgoingonwithyou?Theyweretryingtobehelpful,and

youshitalloverit.”

“Ijustdon’tlikepeoplepryingintomylifewhenIdidn’taskthemto.”
“It’smorethanthat.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“You’vebeendistant.It’sbeenthatwayforacoupleofmonths.”
Ihadn’trealizedhowtransparentitwas.MitchwasallIcouldfocusonlately.My

feelingsforhimweren’tgoingtodisappear,butitwasn’tfeasibletothinkthatheandIcould
actuallyhaveafuture,thatwecouldjustpickupwhereweleftoff.Therewasachildinvolved
now,andIwasn’tsureIcouldevermovepastwhathappenedinordertoacceptHenrythe
wayhedeservedandthewayIwouldneedtoinordertobewithMitch.ButIjustcouldn’t
stopthinkingabouthim:thepassionatewayhelookedatme,thelovehehadforHenry,his
smell,howhisheartbeatagainsthissmooth,hardchestthatnowboremyname.Thoughtsof
Mitchwereconsumingmylife.

Atthesametime,ItrulycaredaboutKevin.Hedidn’tdeservetobestrungalongwhile

Idealtwiththeseotherfeelings.Wehadourmoments,butdeepdown,hewasagoodman.
Kevinhadbeenmysafetynetforsolong,andlosinghimcouldmeanendingupalone
altogether.

Ineededtosaywhateverittooktokeepthepeacewhilemyheadgotsortedout.“I’m

sorry.It’sjustthestressofstartingthebusiness.I’lltrynottoletitshowinfrontofother
peoplelikethat.”

“I’msorry,too.I’vebeensobusywithworkandhadn’trealizeditwasgettingtoyou

likethat.IknowI’mtoughtolivewithsometimes.I’lltrytobemoreunderstandingofthe
stressyou’reunder.”Heleanedinandkissedme.“Speakingofstress,let’sgohome,getinto
bedandrelievesomeofit.Iknowjustthewaytomakeyoufeelbetter.You’llsee.”

Unfortunately,thatnight,asKevinmadelovetome,theonlythingIsawwasMitch.

***

IthadbeenacoupleofweekssincethenightMitchcameover.Wehadexchangedcell

phonenumbers,andhetoldmetocallhimifIeverneededanything.Thetemptationto
contacthimwaseverpresent,butIcouldn’tcomeupwithanexcuse.

ItwasaWednesdaynightandKevinwasinVirginiawhenatextcamein.
Didyouknowstalkersdeliverfoodnow?Areyouhungry?
Butterfliesflutteredinmystomachatthethoughtofseeinghim.
Skylar:HowdidyouknowIwasalone?
Mitch:Irememberedyousayinghegoesawayonbusinesseveryother

week.Ihaveitmarkedonmycalendar.

Skylar:That’sverystalkerishofyou.
Mitch:I’mperfectingmycraft.
Skylar:Apparently.
Mitch:Wouldyouprefertogoouttoeat?
Myhandswereonthekeypad,butIwasn’tsurewhattotype.Hemusthavesensedmy

apprehensionwhenhedidn’twaitformyresponse.

Mitch:I’mnotaskingyouonadate.Iknowyou’reengaged.Don’tworry.

Irespectthat.Ijustwanttospendtimewithyou.

Whydiditdisappointmethathewasn’taskingmeonadate?Iwassickinthehead

andsuddenlyfeltguilty.Kevin.

ForallIknew,Mitchmighthavebeeninvolvedwithsomeone,too.Weneveractually

discussedthat.

Despiteallofthelogicalreasonswhythiswasabadidea,theneedtoseehimagain

wasoverwhelming.

Skylar:Pickmeupat8.WhatshouldIwear?
Mitch:Casual.I’llbewearingallblackasusual.
Skylar:Don’tforgetyourbinoculars,creeper.
Mitch:;-)

***

Whenthebellrang,mylegsshookinanticipationasIwalkedtothedoorandopened

it.

Heliftedhishandup.“Hi.”
Hissmilenearlymeltedme,andIhadtheurgetorunmytonguealonghisperfect

teeth.Thiswasn’tagoodstart.

“Hi,”Iwhispered.AnypromiseIhadmademyselftoviewhimplatonicallytonighthad

gonedownthetubesthesecondoureyesmet.“I’llgetmycoat.”

Calmdown,Skylar.
Mitchwaswearingdarkjeansandagrayribbedsweaterthatclungtohismuscles.His

wethairwasmessyinthebestway,andhesmelledlikethesamemuskycologneI
rememberedsniffingallovermybodyafterouronenighttogetherinLakeGeorge.Ihated
beingremindedofthatrightnow.Themusclesinbetweenmylegsclenched,andIwasn’t
eventouchinghim.

He’dbroughtthesameCorvettethatwasbrokendownlasttime.
Ijoked,“Iseeyoufixedthestalkermobile.”
“Yeah…thatplanbackfired,right?”Helaughedandthefamiliarsoundmomentarily

tookmebacktoaplaceintimeIneverwantedtoleave.

“Goodone,”Isaid.
“Seriously,I’mgratefulitbrokedown.I’dbesittingouthereinthecoldtonight

watchingyouinsteadoftakingyououttodinner.”

“DoyoumindifIdriveit?”
“Sure.”Hethrewmethekeys.
“HowdoyoudriveHenryaroundwithnobackseat?”
“IhaveaFordF150.Thiscarisjustahobby.It’solder.Igotagooddealonitandfixed

itup.”

WhenIturnedtheengineon,EveryBreathYouTakebyThePolicewasplaying.“Ah,

thestalker’santhem,Isee.”

“Idugupmyoldc.d.justforyou.”
Ishookmyheadandpulledoutontothestreet.
“Wherearewegoinganyway?”Iasked.
“Ithoughtmaybeyou’dwanttohitBev’s.”
Bev’swasmyabsolutefavoritediner.Itwasclosertotheneighborhoodwheremy

motherlived.We’dgonetherequiteabitbeforeheleftforcollege,sowehadalotofgood
memoriesatthatrestaurant.Themenuwasmassive,anditwasa24-hourplace,soyoucould
orderbreakfastfordinnerorviceversa.

Onceonthefreeway,Idecidedtohavealittlefun.BeforeIknewit,Iwasgoing90

withthewindowsdown.

Mitchyelledthroughthevibratingwind.“Whoa,takeiteasy.We’reinnorush.”

MyhairwasblowingaroundasIshoutedthefirstthingthatcametomind,“Thisfrom

theguywhocameinhispants.”

Mylegstiffenedwhenhesmackeditplayfully.“Youlittleshit.Thanksfor

rememberingthat…ofallthings.”Thequickcontactofhishandonmythighhadgivenme
goosebumps.IhatedthatIwantedhimtodoitagain.

Welaughedalotduringthatride.BythetimewegottoBev’s,Iwassuremyhair

lookedlikeabird’snest.“HowdoIlook?”

“Likeyou’vebeendrivingaroundinacarwiththewindowdowngoing90.”
“Hideous?”
“Youaresohideous,”hesaidwithanexpressiononhisfacethattoldmehewas

thinkingtheoppositeashiseyeslingeredonmine.

“I’mstarving,”IsaidasIopenedthecardoor,slammingitunintentionallyhard.
“Easynow.”
“Sorry,IguessI’malittlenervousallofasudden.”
“Nervous…why?”
“It’sweirdbeingbackherewithyou.”
“Doyouwanttoleave?”
“No.”
“Good.”
Bellsjingledasweenteredthediner.Thenostalgicsmelloffreshlybakedpieand

coffeewasthefirstthingthathitme.Nancy,alongtimewaitress,broughtustoaboothinthe
corner.“Ihaven’tseenyoukidsinages.”

“Yeah,it’sbeenalongtime,”Mitchsaid.
Shelookeddownatmyringfingerasshehandedmeamenu.“Congratulations,you

two.Whatarock!Ialwaysknewyouwouldendupgettingmarried.”

Shewalkedawayfasterthanwecouldrespond.ThesmileonMitch’sfacehad

disappeared,andhewasnowstaringatmyring,lookingmoreupsetthanIhadseenhim
sincewereconnected.

Imovedmyhandtomylapoutofsight.“I’msorryaboutthat.”
“Don’tbe,”hesaidabruptly.
Ineededtochangethesubjectstat.“Doyouknowwhatyouwant?”
Withoutlookingdownatthemenu,hesaid,“Yes.”Hiseyesneverleftmine.Ilookedat

theceiling,feelingsuddenlyshybecauseitseemedlikehewasn’ttalkingaboutthefood.

Icoughed.“IthinkI’mgonnagetthepastramionrye.”
“Youalwaysgetthat.”
“Yeah…butIhaven’thadoneasgoodasthisoneinfiveyears.”
“Iknowhowthatfeels,”hesaidunderhisbreath,lookingdown.Whenhelookedat

meagain,hesaid,“Itdoesn’tseemlikethatlong,doesit?”

“No.”
Nancycameback.“Whatwouldyoulike?”
Mitchgesturedformetostart.
“I’llhavethepastramionryeandaDietCoke.”
Hecontinuedtolookatmewhilehesaid,“Baconcheeseburgerwithextraketchupand

aSprite.”

“Yougotit,”Nancysaidasshetookourmenus.
Anawkwardsilenceensuedaftersheleft.Havingnomenutohidebehindleftme

feelingsuddenlynakedundertheweightofhisstare.Helookedsohandsome,andIworried

hecouldseethewantallovermyface.Ashelickedhislips,Iimaginedrunningmyfingers
throughhishairandpullinghimtowardmeintoakiss.Someoneneededtonotifymybody
thatthiswasn’tadateandthatitwasinappropriatetobehavingthesethoughtswhile
engagedtoanotherman.

Ilookeddownathistattooedknucklestodistractmyselffromtheglareofhishypnotic

eyes.Iwasafraidtoaskwhatthelettersstoodfor.Then,myeyestraveleduptotheneck
tattoopeekingoutfromthetopofhissweater.ItwassomesortoftribalorCelticmarking.I
feltguiltyforwantingtolickitinalineuptohismouth.Ihatedmyselfforallofthese
feelingsandstartedfidgeting,causingourlegstocollideunderthetable.

“Sorry,”Isaid.
Heignoredmeandcrossedhisarms.“WhydoyoulethimcallyouSky?”
“Hedoesn’tknowIhateit.”
“Whydon’tyoutellhim?”
“HestartedcallingmeSkyfromtheverybeginning.WhenIfirstmethim,Iwasn’t

exactlythinkingstraight.Iwasn’tsureifIevenwantedtobeSkylaranymorebackthen.”

Hemomentarilyshuthiseyes.“Tellmeaboutthat…aboutyourtimeinMaryland.”
“Whatdoyouwanttoknow?”
“Everything.”
Overthenextseveralminutes,IexplainedasbestasIcould,howbadmymentalstate

waswhenIleftandhowImetKevinsoonafterbutthatittookawhileforustoactuallyget
together.HenoddedinsilenceasIrecalledthepastfiveyears.Heclungtoeachandevery
wordasifhedidn’twanttomissanypartofit.

Whenourfoodarrived,Iwantedtolightenthemood.Icouldn’teatunlesssomething

changed.“WhatkindsoffoodsdoesHenrylike?”

“Unfortunately,he’sverypicky.He’llonlyeatchickennuggets,McDonald’sfriesand

macandcheeseeasily.Ithastobecertainnuggets,too,likethedinosauronesandonlyKraft
macaroni.Everythingelseisastruggle.Imakehimproteinshakesfornutrients,mixing
peanutbutterandsomefruitwithalmondmilk.He’lldrinkthose,butIcan’tgethimtopick
upafruitoravegetableonhisown.”

“That’stypicalofkidswithautism,right?Foodtextureissues?”
“Yeah.Howdidyouknowthat?”
“IwaslookingupautismonlineafteryoutoldmeaboutHenry.”
Hestoppedchewingandwipedhismouthwithanapkin.“Wow…that’s…thankyou…

fordoingthat.”

“Idon’tlikebeingignorant.Ihadn’tthoughtaboutautismallthatmuchbeforeand

neverknewanyoneaffectedbyit.Butnow,Ido.So…Iwanttounderstand.”

“Thankyou.”Hesmiledatme.“Yousaidsomethinglasttimeaboutvolunteeringatthe

hospital?”

“Yeah.Ivisitkidswhoaresickwithcancerandtrytocheerthemup.I’mbasicallya—”
“Candystriper!”Helaughedandpointedatme.“OhmyGod.You—SkylarSeymour—

havebecomeoneofthosebroadsyouusedtotellmeannoyedthecrapoutofyouwhenyou
weresick.”

“Yes…yes,exceptI’maprogressivestriper.I’mthecoolone.Idon’tblowsmokeup

theirassesandtrytomakethemfeelliketheyshouldbehappywhenthey’renot.Igivethem
whattheyneedandletthemknowit’sokaytobeangry.Ispruceuptheirroomsandbring
themstufftheywant,likecandycigarettes…”

“You’regivingakidwithcancercigarettes?”

“Candycigarettes!Onelittleboywantedthose.So,Igotthemforhim.Myjobistodo

whateverittakestomakethemhappy.That’swhatI’mtherefor.”

“They’relucky.”
“Lucky?Notquite…”
“No,Imean…they’reluckybecausetheyhaveyou.Anyonewho’sbeenluckyenoughto

haveyouintheirliveshasbeenblessed.”

“Idon’tknowwhattosay.”
“IjusthopeKevinknowshowluckyheis.”HetookasipofhisSprite.Helooked

hesitanttosaysomethingandbeganplayingwithhisstrawbeforelookingupatme.“Areyou
happy?”

IwassilentbecauseIhonestlydidn’tknowhowtoanswerthat.Happywasn’ttheright

word.Safe,maybe.Insomeways,thatmighthavebeenmoreimportanttomeafter
everythingI’dbeenthrough.WithKevin,Ifeltsecure,albeitnot100-percentfulfilled.With
Mitch,Ihadbeentrulyhappyineverywayatonetime,onlytohaveitallimplode.

Hecontinuedthroughmysilence.“Look,Skylar,ImeantitwhenIsaidIrespectyour

situation.Iwantustobefriendsagainandwon’ttrytointerfereinyourrelationship.If
you’regenuinelyhappy,Iwouldneverimposeonthat.”

Helookedoutthewindowandseemedtobelostinthought.Silverwareclinkedall

arounduswhileIstaredathisreflectionandwonderedwhathewasreallythinking.Whydid
itsuddenlydisappointmethathewasn’tbeggingmetobreakupwithKevinorthathewasn’t
tryingtofightforme?

Insteadofansweringhisearlierquestion,Isimplysaid,“Iappreciatethat.”
Mitchopenedoneoftheketchuppacketsandbegantosqueezeitintohismouth.It

wasahabithehadsincechildhood.

“Youstilldothat?”
“Yup,”hesaid,openinganotherone.
Theimageofhismouthsuckinghardontheplastictriggeredanunintentional

flashbackofthosesamelipsdoingtheverysamethingwhenhewentdownonme.The
musclesbetweenmylegscontractedasIimaginedhimdoingittomerightthenandthere,
rememberingalltooclearlyhowamazingithadfelt.Kevinneverdidit,andIhadn’tmissed
it…untilnow.

“Actually,that’skindofgross,”Isaid.“Canyoustop?”

***

Mitchtookthedriver’sseatonthewayhomefromBev’s.
“DidyourmomtellyouIbuiltanadditiononmymother’shouse?Well,technically,

it’smyhousenowthatsheliveswithFred.”

“No.Shedidn’t.”
Mymother,likeeveryoneelse,wasunderstrictinstructionsnottotalkaboutMitch.

So,itwasnosurpriseshehadn’tmentionedit.

“Idon’treallyseeTishanymore,butIknowshemusthavenoticedmeworkingout

therefromacrossthestreet.Itwasunderconstructionformonths.Iwasn’tsureifshe
mentionedittoyou.”

“Whatkindofaddition?”
“Well,youknowourhousedoesn’thavemuchspace.So,Iwantedaroomwhere

Henrycouldplayandrunaroundinthewinter.Ibuiltoneoffthesideofthelivingarea.”

“That’ssocoolthatyouwereabletodothatyourself.”
Heglancedatmeandsmiled.“I’velearnedafewthingsworkinginconstructionover

thepastseveralyears.Wouldyouwanttodrivebyrealquickandseeit?We’renotfar.We
won’tgoinside.I’lljustshowyoutheexterior.”

“Sure.”
Jittersdevelopedaswedrovedownmyoldstreetandpulledintohisdriveway.My

motherhadbeentovisitKevinandmesincewemovedhome,butIhadn’tbeenbackhere,
mainlyoutoffearofrunningintoMitch.Thelightswereoffinmymother’shouseacrossthe
street,andIrememberedshehadherbookclubtonight.Mitchcamearoundandopenedthe
passengerdoor,helpingmeoutoftheCorvette.

“We’lljustwalkaroundthesiderealquick.Then,I’lltakeyouhome.”
Iwassurprisedathowbigthenewstructurelookedfromtheoutside.“Thismusthave

beenalotofwork.That’snosmallroom.”

“Yeah,well,we’vegotatrampolineinthereandalotofstuffforhistherapywhenit

starts,sowekindofneedallofthespace.”

“Wow,goodjob.”
“Thanks.It’scold.Wecangetgoing.Ijustwantedyoutoseeit.”
Justaswewereabouttoenterthecar,alightcameon,andthefrontdooropened.

Janiscamerunningout.“Mitch,I’mgladyou’rehome.He’supstairs.Ican’tgethimtosleep.
He’s—”Shestoppedtalkingwhenshenoticedmeinthepassengerseatandsquinted.“Skylar?
Isthatyou?”

Shelookedlikeshehadseenaghost.
Iwavedawkwardlylikeateenagersneakingaroundwhojustgotcaught.“Hi,Janis.”
Sheapproachedthecar.“Hi.I,uh,wasn’texpectingtoseeyou,honey.I…I’msorry.I

thoughtMitchwasalone.I’llletyoutwo—”

“Mom,it’sokay.Skylar’sbackintown,andwewerejustmeetingupforsomedinnerto

catchup.IwantedtoshowhertheadditionfromtheoutsidebeforeIdroveherhome.What’s
wrongwithHenry?”

“He’sbeenup.Hejustwon’tstopcrying.Somethingisfrustratinghim,andhestarted

bitinghishand.”

Mitchputhisheadonthesteeringwheel.“Shit.”Heturnedtome.“Ibettergoinreal

quick,seeifIcangethimdown.Doyoumind?”

“Ofcourse,not.I’llwaithere.”
“It’scold.Thiscouldtakealittlebit.Willyoucomein?”
“I—”
“SkylarandIwillhavesometeawhileyougetHenrytosleep,”Janissaid,noddingto

meinasilentpleatocomeinside.

“Okay.Sure.”
Myheartwasbeatingrapidly,unsureofwhattoexpect.Thedoorcreakedaswe

enteredthehouse.Itwasdarkexceptforalamponinthelivingroom,andtheeveningnews
wasonlowvolume.IcouldimmediatelyhearHenrycryingupstairs,anditmademyheart
beatfaster.Itsoundedlikehewasjumpingonthebed.

Mitchturnedaroundatthebottomofthestairsbeforeheadingup.“I’llbeback,okay?”
Janisputherhandonmyarm.“Comesitwithme.”
Asweenteredthefamiliarkitchenwiththesamewoodenchairsandthesame

floweredseatcushions,Ithoughtabouthowironicitwasthateverythingwasthesame,yet
sodifferent.

Sheturnedonthestoveandputapotofwaterontoheatthensatacrossfromme.“He

didn’ttellmehewasgoingtoseeyou.Hesaidhehadtomeetafriend.”

“Technically,thatwasthetruth.”
“You’renofriend,Skylar.Youmeansomuchmoretohim,morethanyoucouldever

comprehend.Youdon’tknowwhatthingswerelikehereafteryouleft.”

Ifeltill-preparedtohavethisconversationbutwantedtoknowmore.Inoticedthat

thecryingupstairshadstopped.

“Tellme.”
Sheleanedinandwhispered,“HewouldkillmeifheknewIwassayinganyofthisto

you.”Shegotuptograbthekettleandpouredhotwaterintotwomugs.“Iwassoworriedfor
himafteryouleft.Hewasdrinkingallofthetime.Then,therewasthearrest.”

“Arrest?Forwhat?”
“Hewascleared,butIthinkyoushouldlethimtellyouthatstory.”
AnimageofMitchbehindmetalbarsappearedinmyhead.Iwassilentasshe

continued.

“Hewouldn’ttalktome,wouldn’ttalktoanyone.IwasreallyscaredIwasgoingto

losehim.”Shesteepedtheteabagintomymugandhandedittome.“BythetimeHenrywas
born,Mitchwasstillhurting,buthesteppeduptotheplateandstayedstrongforhisson.
Whenhefinallyopeneduptomemonthslater,Irealizedhewasmoretormentedaboutthe
factthathethoughthe’dhurtyoubeyondrepairthananythingelse.”

“Iwasdevastated.ThatwaswhyIleft,butIneverfullyblamedhim.Itstillhurts,but

I’mokay.Idon’tthinkit’sanyone’sfaultbuthers.”

“I’msorryabouteverythingthathappened,Skylar.I’msorryyouleft,thatyouwere

hurt,andI’mmostsorrythatTishandIgrewapartbecauseofit.Ireallymissher.”

Ireachedforherhandacrossthetable.“Thatmakesmemoresadthanyouknow.”
Shelookeddownatmyring.“You’reengaged?”
“Yes.”
“Promisemesomething?”
“Okay…”
“Promisemeyouwon’tleadMitchon.Ifyousayyou’rehisfriend…beone.Don’tcross

thelinethenleave.Hecouldn’thandlelosingyouagain.Iknowmyson,andIknowhow
muchhestilllovesyou.Heneverstopped.Hemaybetellingyouhe’sokaywiththis
friendshipthing,butyou’restillverymuchunderhisskin.Ican’tbeartoseehimhurtagain.”

Itwasalottotakein.“Iwon’thurthim,Janis.”
Shetookmyteafrommyhandsandplaceditonthetable.“Gomeetmygrandson.”
“What?”
“Don’tbescared.He’salittleMitch.He’sgotthesamebigblueeyes.Hecan’tspeak,

butIknowhecanunderstandus.”

“She’sreallynotaroundatall?”
“No,honey.Wereyouworriedaboutthat?Shewasneverapartofourlives.Shecalls

tocheckonHenryonceinabluemoon,mostlywhensheknowsmysonisatwork.She
doesn’twanttodealwithMitch,andthefeelingismutual.Sheclaimsshemightbecomingin
thesummer,butwhoknows?We’rebetteroffwithouttheaggravation.Itwouldonlyscrew
upHenry’sroutineifshecamearound.”

“Ihaverecurringdreamsaboutbeatingtheshitoutofher.”
“Don’tpaythemanymind.She’snotworthanyofourtime.Goupstairs.SeeHenry.

Hemightevenbesleepingbynow.”

Istoodupandputthemugonthecounter.Tenselygrippingthehandrail,Islowly

walkedupthestairs.

ThedoortoMitch’sbedroomwasslightlyopen,andhewaslyingonthebedwith

Henry.Therewasonenightlighton.Hedidn’tseemepeekingthroughthecrackofthedoor
andwasunawarethatIcouldhearhimtalkingtohisson.

“Shewaseverythingtomeonce,likeyouarenow.Iwantyoutomeether.Hernameis

Skylar.Ican’tbelieveshe’sactuallyhere.”

Henrywasawake,staringvacantly,hummingbutnon-responsive.Thatdidn’tstop

Mitchfromtalkingtohiminthesamemannerhewouldwereheexpectingtheboytosay
somethingback.

Mitchkissedhimonthehead.“YoufeelbetternowthatI’mhere,don’tyou?Ilove

you,buddy.”

AfeelingsointenseitwasunidentifiablebuiltinsidemyheartuponseeingMitchasa

fatherlikethis.Yet,hissituationwasdifferentthanmost.Youhadtobeanextraordinary
persontoparentachildwhoneededroundtheclockcareandstilldemonstratethepatience
andloveheclearlyhadforHenry.

IcoughedsothatheknewIwasthere.
Mitchsatup.“Howlongwereyoustandingthere?”
“Notlong.”
“Comein.”HeturnedtoHenrywhowascalmbutstaringintospace.“Henry,thisis

whoIwastellingyouabout…Daddy’sspecialfriend.ThisisSkylar.”

Isatattheedgeofthebed.“Hi,Henry.It’ssonicetomeetyou.”
Hesaidnothinganddidn’tlookatme.Heblinkedafewtimesashestaredatthewall.
“Ishefeelingbetter?”
“Yeah.He’susedtomeputtinghimtobed.So,Ithinkhewasjustactingupformy

mother.AssoonasIgotuphere,hestoppedcrying.Ibroughthimheretomyroominthe
hopesthatifIlaydownwithhim,he’dfallasleep.I’lltransferhimbacktohisownbedonce
he’sout,buthe’salittlewiredfromallthejumping.”

IwasstilllookingupatMitchwhenIfeltHenryreachformyhand.Ilookeddownat

histinydimpledfingers,whichwerenowgrippingmyown.Mypalmwasfacingupashe
beganfoldingmyfingersdownonebyoneasifhewerecountingashewentalong.Then,I
wouldopenmyhandupagainandhewouldrepeatit.Eventhoughhewouldn’tlookatme,
hewaslookingatmyhand.

“Doeshedothisalot?”Ismiled.
“No.Hedoesn’tusuallytouchpeoplelikethat.Heseemstobeplayingwithyou,

though.”

Afterafewmoreroundsofthesamepatternofopeningandclosinginsequence,he

stoppedandjustcontinuedtoholdmyhandwithoutmakingeyecontact.IcouldfeelMitch
staringatmeasIlookeddownatHenry’shandinmine.WhenIgotacloserlookattheboy’s
face,IrealizedhereallywasthespittingimageofMitch.Therewasnophysicalsignofher.I
continuedtostareinaweatthebeautifulhumanbeingIonceperceivedasthemainsourceof
myangst.Inreality,hewasanangel.

MitchstartledmewhenheplacedhishandoverHenry’sandmine.Myentirebody

warmeduponhistouch.

“Thankyouforcomingupstairstomeethim.Ididn’twanttopressureyou,butI’m

reallygladyoudid.”

“He’sbeautiful,Mitch.”
“Thankyou.”
“Andyou’reanamazingfather.”

Helookeddownatourhandsthenupatme.“Youhavenoideahowmuchthatmeans

tohearyousaythat.Iliketothinkthateverythinghappensforareason,eventhebadstuff.I
justknowIwasmeanttobehisfather,youknow?Idon’tregrethavinghim.Hurtingyouis
myonlyregret.”

“Youneedyourstrengthforthislittleboy.Ireallyseethatnow.Don’twasteyour

energyworryingaboutthepast.I’mstrong.I’mfine.Heneedsyounow.”

“Hedoesneedme.”Hiseyesseemedtobeglowinginthedarknessashestaredinto

mine.“ButIneedyou.”

Ididn’tknowwhattosay.Despitemydeclarationofstrength,IfeltlikeIwantedto

cry…notexactlyoutofsadness.Outofwhat,Icouldn’tbesure.Henrywasnowfastasleep.I
slippedmyhandfrombeneathMitchandHenry’sandstoodup.“Youshouldtakehimtohis
room.I’llmeetyoudownstairs.”

“I’msorry.Itjustcameout.Idon’tmeantomakeyouuncomfortable.Ijustsaidwhat

Ifeltinthatmoment.”

Iturnedaroundinthedoorway.“It’sokay.Seeyoudownthere.”
IwentdownthestairsasfastasIcouldtoavoidhisseeingthatIwasabouttocry.
Janisgotupfromthetable.“Well?”
Shecouldseethatmyeyeswerewateringandhuggedme.
“He’ssobeautiful,Janis.Heheldmyhandandwasplayingagamewithme.”
Asmyheadleanedagainsthershoulder,theseriousnessofthissituationreallyhitme.

Shewasright.IhadtomakesureIdidn’tcrossanylinesifIwasn’tplanningtoleaveKevin.
Thiswasn’tagame.Mitchstillhadstrongfeelingsformeandcouldn’taffordtohavehis
heartbroken.Icouldn’taffordtofallinlovewiththatlittleboyandhurtbothofthemifI
chosetostaywithKevin.

IwipedmyeyesjustasIheardfootstepsbehindmeandthenMitch’sdeep,smooth

voice.

“Apparently,Skylar’spresencedidthetrick.Henry’soutlikealightnow.Readytohead

back?”

“Yes.”IhuggedJanisonelasttime.“Itwassonicetoseeyouagain.”
“You,too,honey.Don’tbeastranger.”

***

MitchwasdeepinthoughttheentirecarridehomewhileIkeptthinkingaboutHenry.
Bythetimehepulledintomydriveway,thesilencehadbecomeimpossibletotakeany

longer.“Areyouokay?”

Herubbedhistemples,lookingfrustrated.“I’mfine.”
“Youdon’tlookfine.”
Hesuddenlyturnedtome.“It’sjust…noteasy.”
“What?”
“Youreallywanttoknow?Iwassupposedtobe…”Hewiggledhisfingersintoair

quotations.“Respectingyoursituation.ItmightbebetterifIjustletyougoinsidebecauseif
Istarttalkingrightnow—”

“What’snoteasy?”
Iflinchedwhenhereachedhishandovertomycheekandrubbedhisthumbalongmy

chin.“Pretendingthatyou’rejustafriend.”

Myheartfeltlikeitwastrappedinsidemychestalongwithallthewordsthatwanted

toescapeheldcaptivebyanoverwhelmingfearofmyownemotions.

I’mscared.Iwantyousobadlythatithurts.I’veneverlovedyoumorethanIhave

tonightafterseeingyouwithyourson.

Heletgoofme.“Justgoinside,Skylar,beforeIsayordosomethingI’llregret

tomorrow.”

“Idon’twanttoleaveyoulikethis.”
“Whycan’tyouanswermyquestion?”heasked,turninghiswholebodytowardme.
“Whatquestion?”
“I’veaskedyoutwicewhetheryou’rehappy,andyouhaven’tgivenmeananswer.It’s

whatIneedtoknowinordertomoveon.It’swhyIfuckingstartedstalkingyou.”

“IguessI’mjustnotsurehowtoanswerthat.”
“That’sano,then.”
Mytonewasdefensive.“IfeelsafewithKevin,okay?He’sneverhurtme,andI’m

prettysureheneverwill.”

Hemovedawayfromme.“Unlikeme.”
“Ididn’tmeanthatagainstyou.Ijust—”
“That’sokay.Igetitnow.”
“No.Youdon’t.”
“Youdon’trealizethatthewordscomingoutofyourmouthdon’tmatchthelookin

youreyes,Skylar.Youreyesarebetrayingyouandconfusingthefuckoutofme.Youstilllook
atmethewayyoualwayshave,likeI’mthemostimportantthingintheworldtoyou.Aslong
asyoukeepdoingthat—untilyoutellmetowalkaway—I’mnotsurethatIcanmoveon.”

“You’reright.Ishouldn’tbeleadingyouon.Thisisalljustreallyconfusing.”
“Look…I’madifferentpersonnow.I’vebeenthroughalot.I’mnotthatboyanymore

thatwasscaredtotellyouhowhefelt.I’madamagedmanthatfeelslikehe’sbeentohell
andbackwithnothingtolose.IwantyoumoreinthismomentthanI’veeverwantedyou.
You’reallIwant,andIcan’tevenshowyouhowmuch.YouhavenoideathethingsI’ddoto
yourightnowifIcould.Ican’teventhinkstraightaroundyou.There’sjustnooneelse,
Skylar.Therehasn’tbeenanyoneelse.Ihaven’t—”

“Youhaven’twhat?”
“Thisissofuckedup.”Heslammedhisheadagainstthesteeringwheel.“Fuck!Ididn’t

wanttohavethisconversationtonight.”

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
Helookedoveratmeandwhispered,“Ihaven’tbeenwithanyone.”
“What?Whatdoyoumean?”
“Imean…Ihaven’tbeen…withawomaninoverfiveyears.”
“Youhaven’thadagirlfriend…butcertainlyyou’ve…”
Heshookhishead.“No.Noone.Ihaven’ttouchedawomaninfiveyears,Skylar.”
Icoveredmymouth.“OhmyGod.”
“Ihaven’twantedanyotherwoman,notevenforsex.I’dthrowmyselfintoworkor

mysonandjusttrynottothinkaboutyou.NowthatI’maroundyouagain,it’slikemybody’s
comealiveallofasudden.Ihavetheseurges.Ifeeloutofcontrol,andIdon’tknowwhatto
dowithallofit.ThefactthatIknowyou’reofflimitsmakesitevenworse.I’msorry.You
saidyouwantedhonesty.Sometimes,thetruthisugly.”

Myphonewasinthecenterconsolewhenitrang.Mitchlookeddownatitthenhanded

ittome.“It’sKevin.You’dbettertakeit.”

Heopenedthecardoorandslammeditshut,leaninghisbackagainstthewindow.My

heartwasbreakingbecauseIknewhowharditmusthavebeentoadmitwhathejustdid.I
wasstillinshock.

IletthephonegotovoicemailandthentextedKevin.
I’llcallyoubackinafew.
Ifeltguilty,butIcouldn’ttakethecallrightnow.Iexitedthecarandstoodbeside

him.

Mitchwasn’tlookingatme.“Whatdidhehavetosay?”
“Ididn’ttakeit.IsenthimatextthatI’dcallhimback.”
Heletoutasinglelaughthatseemedbitterandlookedupatthesky.Itwasaclear

nightaswestoodagainsthiscargazingatthestars.

Wesaidnothingforseveralminutesuntilhefacedme.“Youweren’ttheonlyonewho

wasdevastated.”Then,heturnedaround,gotintothecarandrolleddownthewindow.

Ileanedin.“Wheredoesthisleaveus?”
Hereachedoutandtuckedapieceofmyhairbehindmyear.“That’sforyoutodecide.

Iguessyouneedtofigureoutwhetherornotyou’rehappyfirst,sinceyoudon’tseemto
know.Here’sahint:ifyouhappentoseemyfacethenexttimehetakesyoutobed,chances
aregood,you’renothappy.IfIweretheonefuckingyou,Icanguaranteeyouwouldn’thave
tothinktwice.”

Hestartedtheengineandputthecarindrive.“Goodnight,Skylar.”
Istoodtheredazedandconfused.Aroused.“Bye.”
Thatnight,Igotundermycoversandreplayedthosewordsoverandoveragain.
“IfIweretheonefuckingyou…”
MyfingerscircledmyclitasIgavemyselfanintenseorgasmwhileIimaginedhim

doingjustthat.

CHAPTER23

MITCH

“Imessedup,Dave.”
Daveyhandedmethecapicolasandwichhebroughtfromthelocaldeli.Hehadcome

downtotheworksitetohavelunchwithme.Mycompanywasleadingtheconstructionofa
newshoppingcenterintown.Itwasoneofourbiggestprojectstodate.

“You’dbetterfigureouttheproblembeforethatthingcomescrumblingdown.”
“No,notwiththebuilding.With…Skylar.”
“Skylar?You’vebeenintouchwithher?”
“Shehasn’tsaidanythingtoyou?”
“No.Wehaven’tevengottentogethersinceshe’sbeenback.Howthehelldidthis

happen?”

“It’skindofalongstory.Inevertoldyou,butIstartedstalkingherafewmonths

back.”

“Whatthefuck,Mitch…”
“It’snotasbadasitsounds.Longstoryshort…shecaughtmeonenight.Insteadof

callingthepoliceorfreakingout,sheinvitedmein,andwe’vehungoutacoupleoftimes.
She’smetHenry.”

“You’replayingwithfire.Youknowthat,right?”
“Youknewshewasengaged?”
Daveyhesitated.“Shetoldmeawhileago.Ididn’ttellyou.”
“Whynot?”
“Oh—Idon’tknow—becausewhenitcomestoher,you’realittleunstable?Ithought

maybeyou’ddosomethingrash…likestalkherorsomething.”

“Alright…pointtaken.Anyway,wewenttoBev’slastweek.Iwastryingtoplayitcool,

actlikewewerefriendsagain.”

Daveytookasipofhissodaandpointeditatme.“I’msureyoudidagreatjob,”hesaid

sarcastically.

“Everythingwentaccordingtoplanuntilwestoppedbymyhouseafter,andshemet

Henry.”

“I’msurprisedshewentforthat.”
“Me,too.Shewasreallysweetwithhim,andhewasactuallyinteractingwithher.All

ofasudden,Ijuststartedtoseethethreeofustogether.”

“Meaningyou,herandKevin,right?Becauseyoudorealizeshe’sabouttomarry

him?”

“Justletmefinish.”
“Okay.”
“AfterIdroveherhome,Ilostit.”
“Nooo…really?”
“ItoldherhowIfeltandhowtherehasn’tbeenanyoneelse.”
“Pleasedon’ttellmeyoutoldheryou’reavirgin.”
“I’mnotafuckingvirgin.”
“Fiveyearswithnosexhasgottoqualifyyouforsomekindofreestablishmentofthat

title.What’stheoppositeofvaginalrejuvenation?”

“Canyoubeseriousforonefriggin’second?”Irolledmyeyes.“IdidtellherthatI

hadn’tbeenwithanyone.”

“Thatwasdumb,butIhaveafeelingthere’sevenmoretothis.”
“IalsotoldherIdidn’tthinkshewashappywithhim,especiallyifatanypointshesaw

myfacewhilefuckinghim.”

“Wow.Thatwasgraceful.”
“Well,yeah…sothat’smyproblem.IhaveafeelingIscaredheraway.”
“Dude,thatwasprematureejaculationatitsbest.”
“What?”
“Nopunintended,butyoublewyourloadwaytoofast.”
“Myload?”
“Yes.It’snotthatyoushouldn’thavetoldherhowyoufelt.Youjustneedtosticktoa

timelineanddoitincrementally.Takeahintfromyourson.IbetHenrycharmedthepants
offofher,right?”

“Yeah…actually,hedid.Hedidn’thavetosayanythingatallandjustconnectedwith

her.”

“Sometimes,lessismore.Youneedtocontrolyourwordsandyouremotionsatthis

earlystageinthegame.”

“Icouldn’thelpit,Davey.She’snothappywiththisguy,andIstillloveher.”
“Iknowyoudo,man.Ifthere’sonethingIknow,it’sthat.Ijustdon’twanttoseeyou

getyourhopesupandthenbecrushedifsheendsupgoingthroughwiththemarriage.”

“Youdon’tthinkIstandachance,doyou?”Ibitangrilydownatmysandwicheven

thoughIhadlostmyappetite.

Daveyshoutedthroughthesoundofdrillingbehindus,“Youjusthavetounderstand

thathermeetingHenryandbondingwithhimforafewminutesdoesn’tnecessarilymean
she’sgonnabeabletoputthepastfiveyearsasideandbehismotherallofasudden.Thatgirl
wouldn’tevenletmementionyournameayearago.Thisguyshe’swith…he’ssolid.Zenaand
ImetupwiththemwhileweweredowninD.C.once.I’mnotsayingshedoesn’tloveyou,but
thereareotherpeopleinvolvedinthissituation.Therearealotofobstacles,but—”

“Whosefuckingsideareyouon?”Isaidwithmymouthfull.
“Letmefinish.Therearealotofobstacles…butI’llbrainstorm,alright?I’lldo

whateverittakestohelpyougetherback.AsmuchasI’vealwaysbustedyourballswhenit
cametoherovertheyears…youtwoweremeanttobetogether.”

“You’llhelpmecomeupwithaplan?”
“Yeah.Atsomepoint,weneedtogetherawayfromhimforalittlewhileintheright

venue.Idon’tknowexactlyhowtodothat.”

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?Kidnappingher?”
“Notexactly.Don’tgetexcited.”
“Hegoesawayeveryotherweekonbusinessforacouplenights.”
“Okay…that’sastart.I’llcomeupwithsomething.”
Iadjustedmyhardhat.“IthinkIloveyou,Dave.”
“Saveit.I’mnotpoppingyourcherry.”

***

Thatnight,afterputtingHenrytobed,IopenedabeerandpulledupmyDVRlistto

watchoneoftheseveralPawnStarsepisodesthathadbeenpilingup.Ihadjustpressedplay
whenatextfromDaveycamein.

Davey:I’vegotit.
Mitch:Gotmilk?Gotherpes?Gotwhat?
Davey:I’mjustwarningyou.You’regonnawannablowmeafterthis.
Mitch:Thisbetterbegoodafterthatvisual.
Davey:You’vegotthatflipyourcompanyisdoingforthefamilydownin

VirginiaBeachcomingupinafewweeks,right?

Eachyear,mycompanydonateditsresourcestohelpafamilyinneedbyrebuildinga

housedamagedinastormorfire.Thisyear,weweresurprisingafamilydowninVirginia
Beach.Theplanwastofliptheirhousewhiletheywerestayingwithrelativesontheother
sideofthestate.Atropicalstormwreckedtheirhome,andtheyhadn’tbeenabletoliveinit
formonths.Theyalsohadtwospecialneedskids,oneinawheelchair,sowe’dbeputtingina
ramp.Ihadplanstomeetmyguysdownthereforfiveoutofthelastsevendays.Itwouldbe
thefirsttimeI’dbeawayfromHenry,butmymotherinsistedIgowhenshefoundoutwhat
weweredoing.

Mitch:Whataboutit?
Davey:Hangon.I’mgonnacallyou.
Thephoneimmediatelyrang.
“Yo.”
“You’reflippingthehouse,andthenithastobesetupforthemandshit,right?
“Yeah.Wepayforallnewfurnitureanddecorateit.”
“Youneedaninteriordesigner.”
“Actually,I’mnotsure—”
“Youneedaninteriordesigner.”
“Wait…you’resayingIshouldhireSkylartodoit?”
“You’rereallysmarterthanIgiveyoucreditfor.Ofcourse,that’swhatI’msaying!

That’sherspecialty,isn’tit?”

Iscratchedmychinandpacedthefloor.“Thisisfuckinggenius.”
“Thankyou.”
“Idon’tevenknowifwehaveitinthebudgetforadesigner.Ithinkwewerejustgoing

towingthat,butI’llpayforitmyselfifIhavetojusttomakethishappen.Therealissueis,
howamIgoingtogethertoagreetogoawaywithme?Don’tyouthinkshe’llseeright
throughthis?”

“It’sallinhowyoupresentit.That’syourjob.Ican’tdoeverythingforyou.Bytheway,

whereareyoustaying?”

“I’mgettingahotelformyselfandfortheotherguys,too.”
“Well,nowyou’regettingahouseonthebeach.”
“Ahouseonthebeach?”
“Yes.”
“She’snotgonnaagreetostayinabeachrentalwithme.Areyoufuckingkidding?”
“You’renotstayinginit.You’llsaythecompanybookeditforheraspartofthedeal.”
“I’mnotfollowingyou.”
“Trustme.Justdon’tplantosleepthere.It’stoopresumptuous.Yougetahotel,and

shesleepsatthebeachhouse.She’llinviteyouoveratsomepoint,andthatwillbeyour
opportunity.It’llbeanice,romanticsettingawayfromallofthecomplicationshere.And
she’llactuallygetsomeworkoutofthistriptoaddtoherresume.It’sawin-win.”

“Ihavetogiveyoucredit,Davey.Thisisabrilliantidea.I’mjustnotsureIcangether

todoit.”

***

Aweeklater,itwasaWednesdayevening,andIhadleftworkearlytobehomefor

Henrybecausemymotherhadapartytoattendwithmystepfather,Fred.

TheVirginiatripwouldbecomingupinafewweeks.IfIwasgoingtoproposethisjob

toSkylar,Ineededtogetintouchwithher.I’dbeenanxiouslywaitingfortonightbecause
accordingtomycalendar,thiswasaweekhewouldbeawayonbusiness.

Henrywasrunningbackandforthonhistoesacrossthecarpetedplayroom.Then,he

grabbedhisiPadandanautomatedvoicesaid,“IwanttogotoMcDonald’s.”

Theteacherinhisspecialedpreschoolclasshadputanapplicationontherewherehe

couldpointtoapicture,anditwouldsoundoutwhathewantedinafullsentence.Youcould
programanysentencetomatchthepicture.Hewouldpointtoacookie,anditwouldsay,“I
wantacookie.”Ifhetouchedthepictureofmymother’shouse,itwouldsay,“Iwanttogoto
Grammy’shouse.”Tonight,hekeptpressingthegoldenarches.“IwanttogotoMcDonald’s.”

“Nottonight,Bud.Daddy’sgottomakeanimportantphonecall,andGrammymade

yousomemacandcheese.It’sonthestove.”

HejumpedupanddownwithhisiPad,pressingtheicon.“Iwanttogoto

McDonald’s.”

“Maybetomorrow.”
Hekeptitup,pressingonthepicturerepeatedly.“IwanttogotoMcDonalds.Iwant

togotoMcDonalds.IwanttogotoMcDonald’s.”

Ilaughedathispersistence.“Igetit!YouwanttogotoMcDonald’s.”Iwassucha

suckersometimes.“Okay,letmechangeyourdiaper,andwe’llgo.”EventhoughHenrywas
four,hewasn’tabletobepottytrainedyet.

AfterIchangedhimandgothimdressed,asIwaszippinguphisjacket,anidea

crossedmymind.ItookmyphoneoutofmypocketandscrolleddowntoSkylar’sname.

Sheanswered.“Hello?”
Iclosedmyeyesatthesoundofhersweetvoice.“Hey.”
“Longtimenospeak,”shesaid.
“Yeah.Iwasn’tsureifyouwantedtohearfrommeafterthewayIleftlasttime.”
Shedidn’tacknowledgemystatement.“What’sgoingon?”
“I’mactuallycallingonbusiness.”
“Business?”
“Yeah,believeitornot.Mycompanytaskedmewithfindinganinteriordesignerfora

projectwehavecomingup.Iwantedtoseeifyouhadsometimerightnowtomeetupfor
dinneranddiscussit.”

“Tonight?”
“Yeah…ifyou’refree.”
“Iam.”
“Great.WouldyouwanttomeetmeattheMcDonald’sonFranklin,closetoyour

house?”

“AbusinessmeetingatMcDonald’s?”
“Mymother’snothere,soI’llhaveHenry.That’swherehelikestogo.Theirsarethe

onlyfrieshe’lleat.”

“Oh…ofcourseyouhaveHenry.Ifeelstupidnow.Thatmakestotalsense.”
“Don’tfeelstupid.Youdidn’tknow.”
“Sure.Icanmeetyouthere.”
“Great.Wannasayahalfhour?”

“Okay.Seeyouthen.”

***

HenryandIarrivedabouttenminutesearlyandgotaboothinthefarthestcorner

awayfromtheaction.Incasehehadatantrum,Iwantedtohandleitwiththeleastamount
ofrollingeyesandwhispers.Isqueezedhimintooneoftheplastic,grayhighchairs,clasping
thebelttosecurehim.Eventhoughhewastoobigforit,itwastheeasiestwaytogethimto
sitstillandeat,otherwisehe’dbeclimbingalloverthegreasyboothortryingtocrawlonthe
floor.

Itwasafterthedinnertimerush,sotherewereonlyafewtablesoccupied.
IhandedhimhisiPadwhilewewaitedforSkylar.Heimmediatelybeganplayinga

SesameStreetmatchinggame.

Fiveminuteslater,thefrontdooropened,andthesightofhernearlytookmybreath

away.Shewassocuteasshelookedaroundunawarethatwewereallthewayintheback.I
chuckledandraisedmyhand,wavingit.Thesmilesheflashedwhenshenoticedussqueezed
atmyheart,whichwasbeatingfasterwitheverystepshetook.Yeah,Iwasscrewed.

Shewaswearingalittlewhitedresswithspaghettistraps,andherlong,wavyhairwas

swayingasshemoved.Whenshegottoourtable,herclean,delicatescentimmediatelyhit
me.Itwaslikecatnip.Iwantedtorubmynosethroughherhairandsniffherallover.

Down,boy.
Shesatdown.“SorryI’mafewminuteslate.Therewasatonoftraffic.”Sheturnedto

Henry.“Hey,littleguy.”

HecontinuedtostareathisiPadandignoredher.
Sheturnedtome.“Howareyou?”
Ihadbeenstaringatherlips,andsuddenlylookedup.“I’mgood.”
“So,I’mcuriousaboutthisbusinesspropositionyoumentioned.”
“Yeah.Youknowwhat?Let’sgetfoodfirst.DoyoumindsittingherewithHenrywhile

Iorder?”

“Ofcourse,not.”
“Whatwouldyoulike?”
“I’llhaveafishsandwich,asmallfryandaDietCoke.”
Iwinked.“Okay.Berightback.”
Whilewaitinginline,IlookedoverandnoticedthatSkylarhadplacedherhandoutfor

Henry.Hetookitandstartedfoldingherfingersdown,playingthatsamegamehecreatedthe
firsttimehemether.Focusingonherbeautifulsmilewhilesheengagedwithmyson,I
realizedthateverythingthatmatteredtomeintheworldwasinthatbooth.

WhenIreturnedwithourfood,HenrywasbacktolookingathisiPad.
“Wecanstarteatingfirst,”Isaid.“Hisfrieshavetocooloff.Hewon’teatthemif

they’reevenatadhot.”

IplacedafruitsmoothieinfrontofHenry.“Drink.”Hetookasmallsip.AfterIbitinto

myburger,Isaid,“So,let’sgetthejobstuffoutofthewaywhilehe’soccupiedwiththat
game.”

“Okay,”shesaid,dippingherfryintosomeketchupandtakingabite.
Overthenextseveralminutes,IexplainedwhatHMConstructionwouldbedoing

downinVirginiaBeachandwhyIneededherhelp.

“So,Iwouldhavecompletecontroloverthedécor?”
“Yes.Thefamilydoesn’tevenknowwe’redoingthis.Theideaistohavethemwalk

intotheplaceandbeblownaway.Somelocalnewspapersandmediawillactuallybethereto

captureit.We’dgiveyouabudgettopurchasetheitemsyouneeddownthere.Aseachroom
iscompleted,you’llhaveaccesstoittodoyourmagic.We’dhaveyoupickpaintcolors,too.”

“Whyme?”
“Whynot?”
“What’sthecatch?VirginiaBeachinthemiddleofsummer?Thissoundstoogoodto

betrue.”

“Thereisnocatch.Ijustwantedtothrowthisbusinessyourwayifyou’reinterested.”
“WherewouldIstay?”
“Thecompanywouldprovidehousingforyou.”
“Areyougoingtobedownthere?”
“Yes.I’llbeoverseeingitandhelpingmyguys.”
“Howwillwegetthere?”
“I’llgetyouaflight.”
“Ihavetobehonest.Thisisreallytempting.Ihaven’thadmuchluckgettingnew

clientshereinNewJersey.”

“HMConstructionwouldbeanexcellentadditiontoyourresume.Thisisagoodthing.

Trustme.”

Trustme.
“Ireallycan’tseeanyreasonnottosayyes.”
Itriednottoleapoutofmyseat.“So,you’rein?”
“CanIjusthaveafewdaystothinkaboutit?I’dhavetotalkitoverwithKevin.”
Buzzkill.
“Ofcourse.”
Shetookofasipofhersoda.“Thankyou.”
ItookabiteofoneofHenry’sfriestomakesuretheyhadcooled.Ihandedhimthe

container,andheimmediatelybegantoplaywiththem.

“Whatishedoing?”
“HehassomeOCDtendencies.Oneofthemisarrangingthingsinarow.Hedoesthis

tohisfriesallthetime.Helinesthemuponebyone,countsthemandtheneatsthemfrom
lefttoright.Don’tworry.Iwipeddownthetableearlier.”

“WhatwouldhappenifItookone?Howwouldhereact?”
Igrinned.“That’sagoodquestion.Tryitout.”
Skylartookafryoutofthelineup.Henryimmediatelystartedyellingandreachingfor

it.Itamazedmehowawareofthingshewaswhenhewantedtobe.

“Mine,”shesaidassheheldthefryawayfromhimtowardherchest.
HelookeddownathisorganizedfriesandbackupatSkylarwithalookofurgency.
Hewaslookingather.
“Saymine,”shesaid.
Henryreachedhishandout.
Sherepeatedinasing-songyvoice,“Mine…mine…mine.”
Henryopenedhismouth.“Mm…mi…”
Holyshit.Hewastryingtosayit.
Shehappilystompedherfeet.“Goodboy.Mine.Mine!Hereyougo.”Shehandedhim

backtheFrenchfry.“Wow.Mitch…it’sreallyallinthere.Hejustneedsthemotivation.”

ProudcouldnotbegintodescribehowIwasfeeling.“Well,upuntilthismoment,the

onlythinghe’severtriedtosaywas,‘hi.’Youhaveawayaboutyouthatbringsoutthebestin
people.”

“Ithinkhewouldhavedonethatforanyonethatmessedwithhisorder,butitwascool

toseehiminteractalittle.Iguesswe’reallcapableofanythingifwereallywantsomething.”

Mine.
Icouldcertainlyrelatetodesperatelyneedingsomethingyoucan’thaveandwanting

tobegforit.

AsHenrystartedeatinghisfriesfromlefttoright,Skylarlookedatmeandappeared

hesitanttosaysomething.

Imovedourtrayoutoftheway.“Youhavesomethingonyourmind.”
“Iwasjustthinkingaboutsomethingyourmothersaid.”
“Okay…”
“ShementionedthatyouwerearrestedaroundthetimeImovedaway.What

happened?”

Shit.Mymotherhadabigmouth.Ireallyhadn’twantedSkylartofindoutabout

that.

Ibreathedinandoutslowly.“Ibeattheshitoutofsomeone.”
“What?”
“Yeah.Hehaditcoming.”
“Who?”
Ihesitated,reluctanttostarttheconversationthiswouldinevitablyleadto.“Itwas

Chad.”

“Charisma’scousin…Chad?”
“Yes.Hetookadvantageofyou.Then,hehadthegalltocometothehospitalwhen

Henrywasborn.Thesecondheintroducedhimself,Iknewexactlywhohewas.So,Iasked
himtohelpmecarrysomestuffouttothecar.Whenwegotoutside,Ipunchedhislightsout
andknockedoutoneofhisteeth.”

“OhmyGod...”
“YouhavetounderstandhowangryIwasatthattime.Ihatedhimprobablymorethan

anyonebutnotmorethanmyselfforindirectlybringinghimintoyourlifethroughCharisma.
Iwasinsomuchpainandcouldn’tseepastit.IwantedtokillhimandwassorryIhadn’tput
himinthehospital.Doyouthinklessofmeforsayingthat?”

“No.Iunderstandthatkindofanger.Ihaverecurringdreamsaboutdoingthesame

kindofthing…toher.Butadreamisonething.Youwereactuallyputinjail?”

“Briefly.Then,shesomehowconvincedhimtodropthecharges.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“I’msorryyoufeltlikeyouhadtodothatbecauseofme.”
“I’ddoanythingforyou.”
I’ddieforyou.
Ineededtochangethesubjectbeforediarrheaofthemouthdeveloped.Icouldn’trisk

sayingsomethingthatwouldmakeherdecidenottocometoVirginiaBeach.“Stayrighthere
withhim,okay?”

IwentuptothecounterandreturnedwithtwoM&MMcFlurries.Shealwaysusedto

makemestopherewhenwewereteenagersbecausethatwasherfavoritekindoficecream.

Shesmiled.“Youremembered.”
“Ihaven’tforgottenathing.”
ItwouldbeeasierifIcould.
Shetookaspoonfulandmoaned.“Mmm.There’snothinglikethis.”

Iwatchedassheclosedhereyes.No,thereisn’t.
“Itisreallygood,”Isaid,clearingmythroat.
“There’sstillnoothericecreamIlikebetter.WillHenryeatsome?”
“Heusuallywon’ttouchicecream.”
SkylarmovedherplasticspoontowardHenry’smouth,andheimmediatelyturnedhis

headawayasifshewereofferinghimpoison.Then,hesnatchedtheutensilfromher.

Shepretendedtobeupset.“Hey!That’smyspoon.”
Hereacheditintohercup.Webothwatchedinanticipation,thinkingmaybehewas

planningtoeatsome.Instead,hewhippedthespoontowardSkylar,smackingherintheface
withahugedollopoficecream.

Shesquealedinsurprise.
“Shit!I’msorry.”Ijumpedupandrantogetsomenapkins.
WhenIreturned,shehadfallenintoafitofhystericallaughter.Tomyamazement,

Henrywasgigglingandkickinghislegs.

“Again,I’msosorryforthat.”
“Ifitgothimtolaugh,itwasworthit.”
Iturnedtohim.“Youthinkthatwasfunny?Yougetawaywithmurder.”
Shewaswipingtheicecreamoffherface.Ithaddrippeddownontoherchest.
Iwasnotthinkingaboutsoppingitupwithmytongue.
Ihandedhermorenapkins.“Doyouneedwater?”
“No…I’mfine.Ineededagoodlaugh.”Shewipedthehappytearsfromhereyes.

Beautifulalmondeyes.“Gosh,thatfeltgood.”

Iliftedmybrow.“Really?”
“Really.”
Thecustomersseateddiagonallyacrossweresmilingoveratus.Theymusthave

thoughtwewereacrazyfamily.HowIwishedthatwerereal,thatSkylarweremywifeand
Henry’smother.We’dgohome,putHenrytobed,andthenI’dtakehertoourroomand
makelovetoherallnight.Instead,she’dbesleepinginanotherman’sbed,andI’dbealone
dreamingofher,replayingeverymomentoftonight.

Whenheramusementdieddown,oureyeslocked.
Iusedtheopportunitytobringupthelasttimeweweretogether.“I’msorryifIwas

outoflinethatnightinmycar.”

“Youwerejustbeinghonestwithyourfeelings.I’llneverfaultyouforthat.”
Ipaused,lookingdownatmymeltedicecream,swirlingitaroundthestyrofoamcup.

“Doesheknowaboutme?”

“HeknowswhathappenedafterIlefthome.Heknowseverything,buthedoesn’t

knowwe’vebeenbackintouch.”

“Howdoyouthinkhe’dfeelaboutthat?”
“Honestly?
“Yeah.”
“He’dgoballistic.”
Inodded,pretendingtogetitwhileangerbuiltinsideme.
Fuckhim.HecouldneverloveherasmuchasIdo.
Wedidn’tgointoitfurther.Shechangedthesubjectandstartedaskingmeabout

Henry’sschool.Italkedtoheraboutthetypeoftherapywewerewaitingforhimtoreceive.
Wesatforanotherhalfhourorso.Despiteourfiveyearsapart,beingwithheralwaysfeltlike
home.

Igotustwocoffees,andHenrykeptbusysnappingpicturesofthetable,floorand

ceilingviathecameraonhisiPad.Hemusthavehadabout700imagesinthelibrarybecause
hejustkepttakingphotoafterphoto.

Ilookeddownatmywatch.“Holycrap.It’salmost10o’clock.”
“WhattimedoesHenrygotosleep?”
“8:30.”
“Whoops.”
“He’sbeingsogoodtonight.Normally,hewouldhavehadatantrumbynow,andthen

Iwouldhaveknownitwastimetoleave.Ithinkhelikesyourcompany.”

Shegavehimanaffectionatelook.“Well,then,thatmakesmehappy.”
“Ilikeyourcompany,too,”Isaid.
Leaveitatthat.Don’ttellherhowmuchyoumissher,howmuchyouloveher.It’stoo

much.RememberwhatDaveysaid.

Sheblushedasifshewerereadingmymindanyway.“Youshouldgethimhome.”
“Yeah.Icouldstayhereallnightwithyou,buthedoesneedtosleep.Atthispoint,

he’llbesowired,he’llprobablybeupallnight.”

Henry’siPadbatteryhaddied,whichmeantitcouldbearockyridehome.Iheldhis

handaswewalkedoutthedoorwithSkylar.Thewarmsummerwindblewherdressup,and
thequickpeekatherunderwearwaspuretorture.

Westoppedinfrontofmytruck,andIgotHenryintohisboosterseat.Sheleanedinto

thebackseat.“Itwasnicehangingwithyou,Henry.Nexttime,I’mwearinganoldt-shirt,
though.”

Mypulseraced.Nexttime.
Henryreachedhishandoutandsqueezedhernosehard.“Ow,”shesaidlaughing.
“Ishouldhavewarnedyou.Helikestopinchpeople’snosesifyougettooclosetohis

face.He’sgotsomestronghands.”

Shestoodinfrontofme,herhairblowinginthesoftbreeze.Ilookeddownattheice

creamstainonherdress.RedandbluedyefromtheM&Mshadbledontothewhitefabric.“I
wanttopaytohavethatcleaned.”

“Areyoukiddingme?”
“No.Iinsist.”
Shelookedupatthemoonthenintomyeyes.“DoyoureallythinkIcareaboutthis

dress?Thisstainislife,Mitch.WhenIwassickasateenager,IpromisedGodifHeletme
live,I’dneversweatthesmallthingsagain.I’mproudtowearthis.IusedtoworrythatI’d
nevergettoexperiencethingslikeseeingyouasagrownman.Thatwasabigfearforme.Not
onlyhaveIlivedlongenoughforthat,butIjustgottohangoutwithyourson,too.That’s
prettydamncool.”

Myheartfeltlikeitwasgoingtoexplode.Thevisceralneedtokissherweighedonmy

lips.“That’sbeautiful.”

“Ididn’tthinkI’deverbeabletohandlemeetinghim,Mitch.Buttherealityis,he’sso

specialthatitmakesmeforgetabouttherest.”

Fuckit.Ipulledherintoawarmembrace,relishingeverysecondandtryingtoburn

thefeelingintomemory:thesmellofher,thesoftnessofherbreasts,herheartpounding
againstmine.Mymouthwassoclosetoherneck,andIbitmyliptohampertheneedto
devourherskin.Iwhisperedinherear,“I’msogratefulyou’rehere,too.”

Afteraminuteofholdingeachother,shepulledback.ShemusthaveknownI

wouldn’tbethefirsttoletgo.

“WhendoIneedtoletyouknowaboutthejob?”
“Bytheendoftheweekendwouldbegood.”
“Okay.Willdo.Thankyoufordinner.”
“Mypleasure.”
“Goodnight.”
“Goodnight,Skylar.”
AsIwatchedherwalktohercar,Imutteredthreewordsoverandover.
Pleasesayyes.

CHAPTER24

SKYLAR

Ninaputmeonspeakerphonewhileshedidthedishes.Shespokeinanechothrough

thesoundofrunningwater.“So,youthinkthere’sanulteriormotivetothisjoboffer?”

“Imean,Ithinkthejobislegitimate,”IsaidasIkickedbackonmybed.
Thewaterstopped,andIcouldhearJakeinthebackground.Hecoughedouttheword,

“Bullshit.”

Ninalaughed.“Sorry,he’sbeenlisteningthewholetime.”
Hespokeintothephone.“Youwantmytwocents?Nina,what’syourfavoritedrink?”
“SexontheBeach,”shesaid.
“Exactly.”Hesnickered.
“Whatareyougettingat,Jake?”Iasked.
“Bitchmightbeofferingyouajob,butthatisnotthereasonhewantsyoutogowith

himtoVirginiaBeach.Hecouldhavehiredanyone.Instead,hechooseshisex-girlfriendhe’s
stillinlovewith?”

“So,ifthat’strue,I’dbebetrayingKevininacceptingit.”
“Ifyoudothis,areyougoingtotellKevinthatMitchisthepersonbehindit?”Nina

asked.

“Areyoucrazy?Hedoesn’tevenknowwe’vebeenintouch.”
“Well,thenyouneedtodecidewhetherit’sworthlyingtoKevinandwhetheryouwant

todealwiththefactthatMitchmighthavemorehewantstoofferyoudowntherebesides
money.”

“Likehisstiffcock,”Jakesaidloudlyintothephone.
Ninalaughed.“You’reterrible.”
“Trustme.I’maguy.Ifwewantawomanbadlyenough,we’llcomeupwithallkinds

ofclevershit.I’mnotsayingallhewantsissex.Iknowhecaresabouther.He’stryingtobe
slickwiththisjoboffer,though,andI’mcallinghimout.He’satypicalguywho’scrazyovera
girl.”

“Ittakesonetoknowone,”Ninasaid.
“Damnstraight.”
Iheardtheirlipssmackingtogether.
“Canyoutwostopmakingoutforonesecond?”
“Sorry,Sissy.”Shewhisperedtohimawayfromthephone.“Goruntheshower.I’ll

meetyouinthere.”

Iheardhimgrowlandrolledmyeyes.
Shespokeintothereceiveragain.“Thebottomlineis,wecan’ttellyouwhattodo.You

havetolookinsideyourheartanddowhatyouthinkisrightforyou—notforKevinorMitch
—foryou.Whatdoyouwant?”

Isighed.“Okay.Thanksforlistening.”
Ihungup,moreconfusedthaneveranddecidedtofeelKevinoutabouttheofferwhen

hereturnedtomorrow.

***

ItwasFridaynight,andKevinhadtakenmetoSpinelli’s,alocalItalianeatery.Earlier,

hehadreturnedfromhistripinajovialmood,announcingthatweweregoingoutto
celebrate.Hesaidhewantedtosavethenewsuntilwegottotherestaurant.Imentionedthat

Ihadsomethingtodiscusswithhimaswell.

KevinpouredtwoglassesofChiantiashepickedattheantipastoappetizer.“So…you

gofirstbecauseIdon’twanttoovershadowyournewsimmediately.”

Itookasipandplacedmyglassdown.Iinhaledtograbmycomposure,ingestingthe

smellofoliveoilandgarlic.“Well,Iwasofferedanewdesigngig.”

“Really?Honey,that’sgreat.Who’stheclient?”
Iplacedahotpepperintomymouth.“It’sactuallyaconstructioncompanythat’s

remodelingahomedowninVirginiaBeach.Theywanttoflymedownthereforfivedays.”

“Whenwouldthisbe?”
“Inacoupleofweeks.”Inervouslyrolledatoothpickinbetweenmyfingerswaitingfor

hisreaction.

“How’sthemoney?”
“Weactuallydidn’tdiscussit.”
“Youdidn’tdiscusscompensation?”
“No.They’redefinitelypayingme,butthisissortofacharitythingforthem.They’re

rebuildingahomethatwasdamagedinastorm.Thefamilywasdisplacedandhasnoidea
thisishappening.It’ssupposedtobeasurprise.It’sgoingtobethisbigmediaeventwhen
theywalkinandseethetransformation.That’llbegoodexposureformywork.”

“Soundslikeagooddeal,then.”Staringatmethroughtheglass,hetookalongsipof

hiswinethensaid,“Thechangeofscenerymightbegoodtogetyououtofyourmalaise
lately,too.”

Hewasreferringtomylackofinterestinthebedroom.Ihadmanagedtoavoidsex

withKevinsincethenightMitchandIfirstwentout.Ihadbeenstrugglingwithguiltovermy
carnalthoughtsofMitchandfeltawkwardwheneverKevintouchedme.Thatneededtobe
workedoutsoon,orhewasgoingtosuspectsomething.

Inervouslybitintoabreadstick.“So,youthinkIshouldtakeit?”
“Whynot?”
IhadtoremindmyselfthatwithoutknowingaboutMitch,Kevinhadnorealreasonto

wantmetoturnitdown.Mylieofomissionwasonlymakingmefeelhesitant.

Ishruggedmyshouldersasiftolaughoffmytrepidation.“Right.”
Hereachedacrossthetableformyhand.“So,fromgoodnewstogreatnews.It’sfunny

youmentionedtravelbecause…well,howdoyoulikeCalifornia?”

“California?I’veonlybeenthereoncewhenIjoinedyouonthatbusinesstrip,butit’s

niceenough.Why?”

“We’removingthere.”
Iinstinctivelymovedmyhandaway.“What?Whatdoyoumean?”
“You’relookingatthenewvicepresidentofoperationsforLeland,Corp.”
“Vicepresident?”
“Yup.Honey,allmyhardwork’spaidoff.ThisisabiggerpromotionthanIcouldhave

everhopedfor.EveryoneknewStennerwasretiring,butIhadn’tthoughtforasecondthatI
wasbeingconsideredforhisjob.Theyflatoutofferedittome.I’llbeoverseeingthreeplants,
andmysalarywillalmostdouble.”

Newsthatshouldhavemademeecstaticinsteadmademyheartinstantlyache.I

wonderedifmysadattemptatasmilereflectedtheterrorIfelt.“Kev,that’samazing,but
we’dhavetomove?Youcan’tdothatpositionfromhere?”

Heshookhisheadashesippedhiswine.“That’swherethecorporateheadquarters

are.AllofthebigwigsworkoutofFresno.That’snon-negotiable.”

ItfeltlikeIwasabouttoregurgitatethebreadstick.Myheadwasthrobbing.AllIcould

seewasMitch’sfacewhenI’dhavetotellhimIwasleavingagain.Myeyesswelled,andthe
suddenpaininmychestwasunbearable.

“Areyoucrying,Sky?”
“I’msorry.Ijustwasn’texpectingthis.Whendoesthepositionstart?”
“Wehavetobemovedoutthereinsixweekstime.I’llbetransitioningintotherolein

themeantime.”

Idownedmywaterthenslammedtheglassonthetable.“Butwejustgothere.Thisis

myhome.”

“Sky…Iunderstand,butIcan’tturndownavicepresidentjobbecauseyouwanttobe

closetoMommy.Wehaven’tevenbeentovisityourmothersincewemovedback.Thisjob
willsetusupforlife.Youwon’thavetoworryaboutworking.Ifyougetclients,fine.Ifnot,
I’llbemakingenoughsothatwecanliveverycomfortablyonmysalaryalone.Wecanhave
theweddingofourdreams.WecouldevenaffordtodoitinHawaiilikeweusedtofantasize
about.”

“Thisisjust…ashock.”
“Iunderstandit’ssudden.IguessIthoughtyou’dbemoreexcited.Youhaven’tbeen

backherelongenoughtoreallygetattached.Idon’tunderstandthebigdeal.”

No,youwouldn’t.
Agroupofrestaurantemployeesenteredthediningareasingingthehappybirthday

songtoamanatthetablenexttous.Iwantedtoscream,andmythoughtsweredrowningin
thenoise.

IthitmethatifIwerereallygoingtomoveawaywithKevin,Icouldn’tletmyselfget

anyclosertoMitch.TheVirginiaBeachtripwouldbeabadidea.So,whydidIwantitmore
thananythingnow?OurdinnerwithHenrytheothernightwastrulythebesttimeI’dhad
sincewewereteenagers.Somethingaboutbeinginaplacethatremindedmeofmychildhood
withMitchandhischildhadtrulytouchedme.GettingHenrytoconnecthadbeen
exhilarating.Iwasn’tseeingCharismawhenIlookedathim.Ijustsawhim…aboywithout
anego,whoknewnothingofhowhecametobe.Hejustenjoyedthesimplethingsinlife.I
wouldmisshim,too.

MaybeIwouldn’tleave.
WhatwasIsaying?
Icouldn’tjustabandonKevin,whotrulycaredaboutme,supportedmeandprotected

meforoverfiveyears.Hehadn’tdoneanythingtodeservethat.Hewassupposedtobemy
future.

“Sky?HaveIlostyou?Youlooklikeyou’reabouttopassout.”
SinceIwasn’tabletoadmittherealreasonIdidn’twanttomove,Iwasatalossfor

wordsashestaredatmefromacrossthetable.

Hecontinued,“You’llgetusedtotheidea,okay?Let’strytocelebratethis.Iloveyou.I

wanttomakeagoodlifeforus.”

Itwouldbeaperfectlife.So,whydidIfeellikerunningfromit?
Itookanothersipofmywater.ThewaiterarrivedwithmyChickenMarsala,andI

pretendedtoenjoyit,allthewhilethinkingaboutwhatmynextmovewouldbe.Sundaywas
thedeadlinetoletMitchknowaboutthejob,andIhadnoideawhetherthattripwastheonly
decisionI’dhavetomakeinthecomingdays.

***

Itwasalazy,sunnySaturdayinthelateafternoon.KevinandIdrovewiththe

windowsdownasweheadedtomymother’shousefordinner.Itwasherbirthday,andafew
ofherclosestfriendswouldbejoiningustocelebrate.

“Weneedtostopandgetwine,”hesaid.“Whatkinddoesyourmotherlikeagain?”
“Merlot.”
Whenwearrivedatmyoldneighborhood,Kevinpulleduptoasmallgourmetmarket

thatapparentlyalsosoldliquor.Ihadnevernoticeditbefore,soitmusthavebeenbuilt
sometimeafterIleftforMaryland.

Whenwewalkedin,IsampledsomeBrieandpeppercorncrackersthatwerebeing

givenout,whileKevinwentinsearchofthewine.Thiswasaneclecticlittleplaceand
remindedmeofTraderJoe’s,althoughitseemedtobeindependentlyowned.Atanother
station,someonewaspouringsamplesofflavoredcoffee,soItookoneandproceededto
wander,browsingtheshelves.IpassedtheaislewhereKevinwasstilldecidingonawine.

Threeaislesdown,IhadbeenlookingatorganiccacaochocolatebarswhenIhearda

familiarvoice.

“What,buddy?Whatdoyousee?”
Oneofthebarsslippedoutofmyhands.IturnedaroundtofindMitchstandingthere

withHenrywhowasseatedinthefrontofashoppingcart.

Hisfacelitupwhenhesawme.“Hi.”
“Hi,”Isaidsoftly.
“Youdroppedsomething.”Hebentdownandhandedmethechocolate.
ThewrappercrinkledasItookitfromhim.“Thanks.”
MitchwaswearingaYankeescapbackwards.Ihadn’tseenhiminonesincewewere

teenagers.HelookedmoreliketheMitchIusedtoknowinthatmomentwithhishair
stickingoutfromunderthecap.Itmademyheartflutterandacheatthesametime.

MyMitch.
Hiseyessearedintomine.“Areyoualone?”
Hesmelledsogood.Likethepushofabutton,mybodyimmediatelyawakenedwith

desireasitalwaysdidaroundhim.

“No.”
Hiseyesdarkened.“He’sherewithyou?”
“Yes.”
Heletoutadeepbreath,andhisnostrilsflared.“We’llgo.Idon’twanttogetyouin

trouble,”hesaidabruptly.

Ilookedbehindmyshoulders.
Whenhestartedtowalkaway,Iputmyhandonthecarttostopit.“Wait.”Iturnedto

theboy.“Hi,Henry.”

Henrywasn’tlookingatme,butIsawhehadpulledupaphotoofmeonhisiPad.He

musthavetakenitwhenhewassnappingallthosepicturesatMcDonald’s.Myheadwascut
off,butyoucouldseemychinandtheicecreamdrippingdownmydress.

Mitchleanedintothephoto,andIcouldfeelthevibrationofhisvoice.“Henoticedyou

beforeIdid.Hekeptpointingtothepicture,andthereyouwere.”

Hisproximityhadcausedthehairsonthenapeofmynecktostiffen.Iclearedmy

throat.“Doyoushopherealot?”

“Sometimes.TheyhavetheseflaxseedsIputinHenry’ssmoothies.Whatareyou

doinginthispartoftown,anyway?”

“It’sMom’sbirthday.We’rehavingdinneratherhouse.”
IsmiledatHenrywhowasstillstaringatthepictureofmydecapitatedbody.

Afewsecondslater,IheardKevin’svoicebehindme.“Sky.Thereyouare.”
BeforeIcouldanswerhim,MitchhadalreadydisappearedwithHenrydowntheaisle.

UnsureofwhetherKevinhadseenmetalkingtothem,Iwaitedfortohimtosaysomething.

“Ilostyou.Readytogo?”
Iletoutasighofrelief.HehadnoideawhatMitchlookedlike,sochancesweregood

evenifhehadseenusmakingsmalltalk,hewouldhavethoughtnothingofit.

Mythroatfeltthick,andmyheartwaspalpitating.“Yeah.Iwasjustlookingatthese

chocolatebars.”

“Youwantone?Getone.”
“No,Ineedtowatchmydiet.”
“No,youdon’t.You’reperfect.Here,taketwo.”Hethrewthebarsintohisshopping

basketandkissedmeonthecheekbeforewrappinghisarmaroundme.

Iimmediatelyfeltguilty.Wemayhavehadourspats,butKevindidn’tdeservealying

fiancéeobsessedwithherex-boyfriend.

Wewalkedtotheregisterwheretherewasalongline.Kevinscratchedmyback,and

mybodytensedasIwonderedwhetherMitchcouldseeus.

Thelinehadn’tmovedwhenIheardloudscreamingcomingfromoneoftheaisles.It

wasHenry.Hewashavingatantrum.

BeadsofsweatformedonmyforeheadasIlistenedtothewailing.Ifelthelpless.
Iheardoneoftheemployees.“Sir,doyouneedsomeassistance?”
“No.Thanks.Hehasautism.Thishappensoutofthebluefromtimetotime.We’re

fine.I’mgonnaneedtoabandonmystuffinthecartandleave,though.”

“Noproblem,sir.”
EveryoneinthemarketstaredasMitchcarriedakickingandscreamingHenrypastthe

lineofpeople.Theboy’sarmsandlegswereflailingashestruggledtowigglefromhis
father’sgraspwhilehisscreamsgrewlouderandlouder.Mitch’seyesbrieflydartedtoward
mine.Hisfacewasred.Then,hedisappearedoutthedoor.

Kevinwhisperedinmyear.“That—rightthere—ispreciselywhyIdon’twantkids.”
IwishedIcouldexplaintohimthatHenrycouldn’thelpit,thathisautismtrapped

himinsidehisbodyandthathehadtantrumsbecausehecouldn’texpresshisfeelings.
Instead,Isaidnothing.Agnawingfeelingcontinuedtoeatawayatmeaswewaitedinline.

***

MymotherwaspresidentoftheKevinBlanchardfanclub.Whywouldn’tshebe?She

knewhowmessedupIwaswhenIlefttown,andshe’dalwaysbeengratefultohimforsaving
herlittlegirlfromthedepthsofdespair.Shealsoadmiredhissuccess,andthefactthat—
unlikeOliver—hewasloyal.

Sheputherarmaroundmeatthedinnertable.Wehadjustfinishedupherbirthday

cake.“AsmuchasIhatetoseeyoumoveawayfrommeagain,thisjobKevinhasacceptedis
onehellofanopportunityforbothofyou.”

Kevinhelduphiswineglassinasalute.“Thankyouforyoursupport,Tish.Iknow

Skylardoesn’twanttoleaveyou,butIappreciateyourunderstanding.”

Idownedmywineasmymotherandhediscussedthefuturebeinglaidoutforme.

Theyhadnocluethatmymindwassomewhereelsecompletely.

Ihadn’tbeenabletogettheencounterwithMitchtodayoutofmyhead.Itfeltlikemy

twolivescollidedinthatgrocerystore.Itwasaphysicalmanifestationofmymentaltugof
war:ononeside,Kevinwhowasmybrainandmyperfect,safehaven…ontheother,Mitch
whowasmyheartandmyflawed,deepestdesire.

“Tish,wouldyouconsiderrelocatingoutWestinafewyears?”
“Imight,ifthat’sdefinitelywhereyou’llsettle.”Sheputherhandonmyknee.“Andif

mydaughterwantsmearound,ofcourse.”

Itfeltlikemyclothesweregettingtighterbythesecond.Needingabreatherfromthis

conversation,Igotup.

“Excuseme.Ineedtousethebathroom.”
Iranupstairstomyoldbedroom,whichwasnowmymother’ssewingroom.Feeling

likeImighthyperventilate,Iclosedthedoorandclutchedmystomach.Whenmybreathing
calmed,InoticedthatMitch’sbedroomlightwasonacrossthestreet.Itwasacomfortable
summernight,andhiswindowwasopen.Istaredoutintohisroom,whichlookedempty.A
thincurtainblewinthebreezeandslightlyobstructedmyview.Mybodyflinchedwhenhis
shirtless,statuesqueframesuddenlyappearedatthewindow.Hestoodfacingme.Then,he
waved.

Hesawme.
Iwavedback.Icouldn’thelpbutgiggle.
Mitchputsomethinginhismouth,andIsawthelightofasmallflameatthetip.He

wassmokingsomething,butIcouldn’ttellwhatitwas.

Myphonewasinmypocketandbuzzed.Ianswered.
Mitch’svoicesoundedraspyandsexyashell.“Areyoustalkingme,now?”
“No,notreally.Whatisthatyoukeepputtinginyourmouth?You’resmoking

something?”

“WhyareyousointerestedinwhatI’mdoingwithmymouth?”
Iclosedmyeyes.“Ugh…”
“Sorry.Joke.Ishouldn’thavesaidthat.”
“So,whatisit?”
“I’msmokingacigar,actually.”
“Ididn’tknowyousmokedcigars.”
“Ionlydoitonceinawhile.ItcalmsmedownwhenI’vehadalongday.”
Mymouthtingledatthethoughtoftastingcigaronhistongue.Ishookmyheadto

stopthattrainofthought.

Iclearedmythroat.“I’msorryaboutwhathappenedearlierwithHenry.”
“Don’tbe.Hewasfinebythetimewegothome.He’sfastasleepnow.”
“Good.Iwasworriedabouthim.”
“Where’syourguy?”
“He’sdownstairs.”
“Whyareyouupstairstalkingtome,then?”
“Idon’tknow.”
“YousoundlikemewhenIgotcaughtstalkingyou.”Hemadefunofhisownexcuse.

“Gee,Idon’tknowwhatI’mdoinghere,Skylar.”

“ExceptI’mnotwearingacreepyhoodandcarryingexplosives.”
Thesoundofhisdeeplaughterinmyearsoothedme.“True.Verytrue.Seriously,why

areyoualoneupstairslookingoutthewindow?”

“Ihaven’tbeenabletostopthinkingaboutthings,aboutwhathappenedtoday,about

yourjobproposal.Ineededabreather,soIcouldthinkstraight.”

Hewassilentforawhile,andthenIsawhimtakeapuffofthecigaragain.Hisvoice

waslow…sexy.“Iwishyoucouldcomeoverrightnow.”

“Mitch…”

“Iknow.I’moversteppingmyboundariesagain.”
“That’snotwhatIwasgoingtosay.”Icouldn’tbelievewhatIwasabouttoadmit.“I

wishIcouldcomeover,too.”

Hedidn’tsayanything,butIcouldhearhisbreathingquicken,andheseemed

frustratedasheranhisfingersthroughhishair.

“Ihaven’tbeenabletostopthinkingaboutyou,Mitch,andI’mreallyconfused.”I

exhaled.ItwasthefirsttimeIadmittedmyfeelingstohim.

“Skylar…”
“Yeah?”
“Takethejob.CometoVirginiaBeachwithme.”
Iwassilent.
“Please,”heurged.
HehadjustmadewhatIalreadysuspectedabundantlyclear:thiswasn’tjusta

businesstrip.Iknewitwassowrong,butmyentirebodywasbuzzing…becauseIhadmade
mydecision.

“I’llgo.”

CHAPTER25

MITCH

Itfelttoogoodtobetrue.AsIthrewmyclothesintothesuitcase,Istillcouldn’t

believethatSkylaragreedtogoawaywithme.Itwouldonlybefivedays,butIwouldmake
themostofeverylastsecond.

Thelogisticalplanningwentintoeffectfromthemomentshesaidyes.Thatnight,I

literallyputmycigaroutandimmediatelywentsearchingforbeachrentalsontheInternet.I
hadahard-ontheentiretimejustthinkingaboutbeingalonewithherawayfromhere.Iwas
goingtoneedtocontrolmyself,orI’dblowit.

Withsuchlatenotice,propertieswereeitherunavailableorexpensive.Ieventually

contactedarealtorthefollowingweek,andshefoundmetheperfectplaceonSandbridge
Beachthatcostanarmandaleg.ThesecondIsawthephotosoftheinside,though,Iknewit
wastheone.Itdidn’tmatterhowmuchitcostatthatpoint.

***

IgottoVirginiaBeachadaybeforeshedid.Ihadbookedheraplaneticketbutdecided

todrivedownmyself.

Skylarwassettoarriveattheworksiteanyminute.Atextcameinfromherwhenthe

planelanded.Shehadrentedacarattheairportandwentstraighttoahomeimprovement
storetopickoutpaint.I’dalreadygivenheracopyofthefloorplan,soweweren’twasting
time.

Thekeystothebeachhousewereburningaholeinmypocket.I’dtakeherthere

tonightafterourworkendedfortheday.Icouldn’twaittoseeherreaction.

Theweatherwasperfect,sowekeptthefrontdoortothepropertyopenwhilewe

workedtoletthebalmy,drybreezein.Thehousesmelledlikesawdustandprimer,soitwas
goodtoairitout.MyguyshadmadegreatprogressbeforeIarrived,andeverythingwason
targettobecompletedbytheendoftheweek.

ASteelyDansongplayedonanoldboomboxthatwassplatteredwithwhitepaint.

Therewereemptybeerbottleseverywhere.Technically,weweren’tsupposedtobedrinking
onthejob,butIletitslidethistime.Thisjobcouldn’thavebeenmoredifferentfromall
previousones.Caseinpoint:everyheadintheplaceturnedtowardthedoorwaywhenSkylar
walkedin.Shewavedawkwardlywhensherealizedtheguyswereallcheckingherout.

Sheworeashort,grayskirtandasleevelessblousethathadabowinthefrontthat

beggedtobeuntied.Shelookedverybusiness-like,whichwasahugeturn-on.Thatget-up
waslikeagrown-upversionoftheCatholicschooluniform.

Iintroducedhertoalltheguysandtriedtoignoretheonce-overstheygaveherasshe

shooktheirhands.WhatIdidmakesuretocatchwastheonce-overshegaveme.Iwas
wearingbeigecargopantsandnoshirt.Icouldn’treallytellwhatSkylarwasthinkinglately
whenitcametoeverythingelse.TheonethingIdidknow:shewasasphysicallyattractedto
measIwastoher.

SheflinchedwhenIputmyhandonthesmallofherbackandledherintothefirst

completedroom.“Youmadeitingoodtime.”Ireluctantlyslidmyhandslowlyoffofher.

“Yeah.Iwasactuallyabletofindsomeneutralpaintcolorsinthebargainmistake

section,sothatwillfreeupsomemoneyforotherthings.”

Ihadn’trealizedhowobviousmystaringwasuntilsheinterruptedit.
“DidyouhearwhatIsaid?”
“Yeah.Paint,right?”
“Yes.Weshouldbeallset.Iputthegallonsoutfrontwheneveryou’rereadyforthem.

Imarkedeachcanwithalabelindicatingwhichroomit’sfor.”

“You’resoorganized.Youwantafulltimejobwhenwegetback?”Ijoked.
“Andwhatwouldthatbe?”
Iwiggledmyeyebrows.“Youcanbemypersonalassistant.”
Shelookeddownatmyhandsthatwerecoveredinprimer.“Andwhatexactlywould

thatentail?”

“Itrequiresfull-timeresidency,actually.”
“Oh…inyourhouse?”
“Yeah.”
“Isee.Whatelse?”
“There’ssortofadresscode.”
“Letmeguess…alackofdress?”Shelaughed.
Ifuckinglovedflirtingwithher.
Ihadn’tintendedforthisconversationtoveerinthedirectionithad,butthiswasa

goodsign.Itsurprisedmethatshewasplayingalong…untilshecutitshort.

“Ishouldheadtothefabricstore.”
“Hey.YouknowI’mplayingaroundwithyou.Ipromisetobegoodthistrip.”
Shesmiled.“Ihearyou.”
Ileanedagainstthedoorwayandasshewalkedaway,Isaid,“Unlessyoutellmeyou

wantmetobebad.I’dbeupforthat,too.”

Sheturnedaroundbriefly,herfaceflushed.“Goodbye,Mitch.”
Gettingthroughthenextfifteenminuteswithoutkillingsomeoneseemedlikean

impossibletaskbecausealloftheguyswouldn’tshutupabouthowhotshewas.Theydidn’t
knowanythingaboutourpast,althoughtheyshouldhaveputtwoandtwotogetherbasedon
themassivetattooofhernameonmychest.Gettingarrestedforassaultinganemployeewas
notonmylistofthingstodowhilehere,soIgrittedmyteethandcontrolledmyfistsasbest
asIcould.

ItreallydidimpressmehowfastSkylaroperatedthatfirstday.Shedecidedshe’d

makeallthecurtainsherselftostaywithinbudget,borrowingasewingmachinefromthe
wifeofoneofthelocalvolunteers.Shecamebackthatafternoonwithamassiveamountof
materialandplannedtospendtheentiredaytomorrowsewingatthebeachhouse.Shealso
visitedalocalconsignmentshopandscoredsomeartworkfornexttonothing.

Thatnight,weworkedlaterthanIhadhopedinordertostayondeadline,butitwould

betheonlylateworknight.Bythetime10:00rolledaround,Iwasexhaustedbutexhilarated,
knowingshe’dbefollowingmetothebeachhouse.Ithrewmynavyhoodieovermybare
chest.

Shewashangingacoupleofpicturesonthewallofaroomthathadbeenfullypainted.

Herhair,whichwasperfectlycoiffedearlierintheday,nowfelllooseandmessy.Sexy.Itwas
howI’dimagineditwouldlookaftersex.Fuck.Ineededtogetthatthoughtoutofmyhead
beforeIgothard.

“Readytogo?”Iasked.
Toolate.Hard.
Shesteppeddownfromthestool.“Sure.”

Skylarfollowedmeinhercar.WhenIpulleduptotherental,mypalmsgotsweaty

becausetheplacewasashitloadnicerthanexpected.Shewouldhaveatoughtimebelieving
thatthiswasthehouseHMConstructionpaidfor.Everyredcenthadcomeoutofmyown
money.

Weparkednexttoeachotheronthegraveldrivewayandgotout.
Sheslammedthecardoor.Theoceanairblewherhairaroundinwispystrands.She

spitoneoutofhermouth.“Whatisthis?”

“Whatdoyouthink?”
“What’sgoingon?”
Imusthavelookedguiltyasshit.“What?”
“Thishouseis—”
“Let’sgoin.”
Ireachedintomypocketforthekeyandopenedthefrontdoor.
Herjawdropped.“Okay…thisislikethatshowCribsonMTVminusthetencarsout

front.Exactlyhowmuchmoneydidyourcompanyspendonthisplace?”

“Ishutthedoor.Wegotagooddeal.Don’tworryaboutit.”
Shedroppedherbaglazilyandwalkedaroundinawe.“Thiskitcheniswaybetterthan

mineathome.”Sheranherfingertipsalongthegraniteofthecountertop.“I’mgonnamakea
nicemealforustomorrownight.”

Fuck.Yes.
“Thatsoundsgreat.”
ShecoveredhermouthandwalkedinsilenceovertotheonethingIhadbeenwaiting

forhertonotice.Shesatdownonit.Iwalkedoverandjoinedherontheplushcushion.She
turnedtome.“Ican’tbelieveyoudidthis.”

“Didwhat?”
“Youpickedthisplaceoutandpaidforit,didn’tyou?”
Isighed.“Idid.”
“Why?”
Ourfaceswerejustinchesapart.“Idon’tknowwhat’sgonnahappenonedayfromthe

nextwithyou,andIhatenotbeingabletocontrolthat.Ijustwantedtohavesometimewith
youinthebestpossibleplaceIcouldimagine.Whenyouweresick,Ineverforgotwhereyou
toldmeyourhappyplacewouldbe:areadingnookoverlookingtheocean.WhenIsawonline
thatthishousehadone,Ididn’tgiveashitwhatitcost.IknewIhadtogetthisoneforyou.”

Shelaybackintothewall,kickedherfeetupontomylapandclosedhereyes.She

openedthemandlookedoutatthewavescrashinginthedistance.“Idon’tknowwhattosay.
IfeellikeIdon’tdeservethis.”

“Thisisforme,too.”Ilookedoutthewindow.“Doyourememberwheremyhappy

placewas?”

Shenodded.“AnywhereIam.”
Ilightlysqueezedhershin.“Ijustwanttobewithyouevenifit’sjustforafewdays.

Nootherexpectations,okay?Pleasedon’tworryaboutthat.Iwantyoutohaveagoodtime.”

“Wasanypartofthistripreallyaboutthejob?”
Icouldn’tlietoher.“Whatdoyouwantmetosay?”
“Whereareyoustaying?”
“TheHolidayInndownthestreet.”
Shelookedconflicted.“Iknowthere’splentyofroom,butIcan’tofferyoutostay.”
“Iunderstand,believeme.Iwouldneverexpectthat.”

“Thisiswrong,Mitch.Thiswholething:mylyingtoKevin,mytakingthisofferwhenI

knewdeepdownitwasmorethanwork.”

“Don’tyoudarefeelguilty,Skylar.Aftereverythingwe’vebeenthrough,wedeserve

thisbreakevenifit’snothingmorethanthat.”

“Ijustwantedtospendtimewithyou,too.Idon’tknowwhatitallmeans.”
Itpainedmetohavetoliftherlegoffofmeandstandup.“Tellyouwhat,it’sbeena

longday.I’mgoingtoheadbacktothehotelandletyougetsomerest.Tomorrow,we’llcallit
quitswithworkearly,dodinnerandenjoythebeach.Don’toverthinkthis.Weonlyliveonce.
Ifwewanttospendtimetogether,that’snotasin.Nobody’sgettinghurtbythat.”

Shestoodup.Herblousewaswrinkledandhalfwayuntucked.Shewasabeautiful

mess.

Ilickedmylips,wantingtokisshersobadly.“Makesureyoulockuptonight.”
“Iappreciatealloftheeffortyouputintothis.IhopeIdidn’tcomeacrossas

ungrateful.”Shewalkedafewstepstowardme.“IneverthoughtI’dactuallygettovisitmy
happyplace.Thankyouforgivingthattome.”

IfIdidn’twalkawaynow,I’dneverleave.Iheadedstraightforthedoor.Then,Iturned

tolookatheronelasttime.“Thankyouforgivingmemine.”

***

Thenextdayseemedtodragatworkeventhoughwe’dgottenalotdone.Allofthe

roomswerenowdrywalledandpainted.Skylarhadspenttheentiredayshoppingfordécoror
atthebeachhousesewingdrapes.Imissedher.Ikeptcheckingmywatchtoseehowcloseit
wasto3:00.

Igottomyhotelat3:15andtookaquickshower.Asthehotwaterbeatdownonme,

mythoughtsturnedanxious.Ionlyhadfourmorenightswithher.Thistripwasmychance
togethertoseethatwebelongedtogether.ButIpromisedhertherewerenoexpectations,
andIdidn’tplantopressureher.Ijustwantedustogetcloserorganically,buttherejust
wasn’tenoughtime.

Skylarwasexpectingmeat4:00.Shewasmakingdinner,andweweregoingtotakea

walkonthebeachatsomepoint.Iwasgiddywithexcitementandaneedtoseeher,tosmell
her,totouchherevenifitwerejustabrushofherhand.

Iputonablackbuttondownshirtandsomedarkjeans.Isprayedoncologneand

slickedmyhairbackwithgel.

WhenIarrivedattherental,sheopenedthedoor,andmyheartimmediatelystarted

beatingoutofcontrol.Shelookedgoodenoughtoeatinatinypeach-coloreddress.Iwanted
towrapherinhermyarmsbutinsteadtightenedmyfistsandsaid,“Youlooknice.”

“Thanks.Sodoyou.”
Iwalkedtowardthekitchen.“WhatisthatIsmell?”
“It’sChickenCacciatore.Irememberedyouusedtolikeitwhenyourmothermadeit.I

hopethisisjustasgood.”

“Ifyoumadeit,I’msureI’llloveit.”
“Areyouhungrynow?”
Myeyesdrifteddowntohermouthandthenherneck.“I’mstarving.”Iwonderedif

shecouldtellIwasn’treferringtothefood.

Herheelsclickedagainstthetilefloorasshewalkedovertoabottleofredwineonthe

counter,openeditandpoureditintotwostemlessglasses.“Cabernetokay?”

“Loveit.Thanks,”Isaid,takingtheglassfromherandmakingsuretoskimtheskinof

herhand.Itookasip.“Mmm.”

“Youwanttotaketheseuptothedeck?”
“Yeah,I’mdyingtogetuptheretoseethatview.”
Shesmiledandnudgedherheadtofollowher.“Comeon.”
TwowhiteAdirondackchairssatonthegraywoodendeckthatoverlookedSandbridge

Beach.Itwasliketheyweremadeforthetwoofustositin.Wesatdownandquietlysipped
ourwine.Wegazedoutattherollingwavesandlistenedtothesoundoftheseagulls.Istole
glancesatherbeautifulsideprofile.

Shewasthefirsttospeak.“So,Isaywesitouthereforabouttenminutes,havedinner

downstairs,thentakethatbeachwalkwhenthesunissetting.”

“Perfect.”
Nothingcouldbemoreperfectthanthis.
Anditwas,untilrealityrangwhenwegotdownstairs.Shepickeduphercellphone.I

knewbythetoneofhervoicethatitwashim.Iwalkedovertothewindow,soshewouldn’t
beuncomfortable.Ilistenedtoeverywordandstaredoutintotheocean.Thereminderthat
shewasengagedtosomeoneelsetookmyappetiteawayandslappedmeoutofthefantasy
I’dbeenlivingoutjustamomentago.

“Yeah.Everything’sgoinggreat.It’sbeautifulhere.Saturday.Myflightgetsinatfour-

thirty.”

MyjawtightenedjustthinkingaboutleavingSaturday.Ipolishedoffmywine.
“DidyouremembertobuySeamus’food?Good.Okay.Me,too.Bye.”
Me,too.
Iwonderedifhehadtoldherhelovedher.Didshenotsayitbacktoavoidhurtingmy

feelingsorbecauseshedidn’treallylovehim?

Shewalkedovertome.Anewtensionreplacedtherelaxedatmosphereoffiveminutes

ago.“ThatwasKevin.”

“Youshouldhavegivenhimmyregards.”
“Mitch…”
“Oh,that’sright.‘He’dgoballistic.’”Iwalkedoverthecounter,refillingmyempty

glass.“Isthatbecausehe’dknowhehasareasontoworry?”

Shedidn’tsayanything,andIregrettedputtingherinthatposition.
Iputmyglassonthecounterandrubbedmyeyesinfrustration.“I’msorry.”
“It’sokay.Iunderstand.Let’sjusttrytohaveanicedinner,okay?”
“Iwouldlovethat.”
Wefellintoaneasyconversationwhiledevouringthemealshemade:Chicken

CacciatorewithasideoflemongarlicBrusselssprouts.

“ThisisbyfarthebestCacciatoreI’veeverhad.”
“Really?You’rejustsayingthat.”
“Idon’thaveanyreasontolie.”
“Youdon’t,huh?”
Mylipsslowlyspreadintoasmile.“MaybeIdo,butIdidn’thaveto.Itwasdamn

good.”

“Well,thankyou.”
Shewipedhermouth.“There’sdessert,too,butIthinkweshouldtakeawalkonthe

beachbeforeitgetsdark.”

“Agreed.Thesunjuststartedtoset.”
Wetookourshoesoffandwalkeddowntotheshore.Theurgetograbherhandwas

overpowering,butIrestrainedmyself.Iwasprettysureshe’dletme,butI’donlywantmore,

soitwasbestifIdidn’ttouchherforanygreatlengthoftime.

IlookeddownatSkylar’stinyfeet,herredpaintedtoeskickingthesand.Iwantedto

nibbleonthemalongwitheveryotherpartofherbody.Shelookedsocontentasshewalked
quietlyalongsideme.ItmademethinkofthelasttimeIwasonabeachwithher.“Beinghere
remindsmeofthesummerbeforeIwenttocollege.”

“Yeah,wewenttothebeachalotthatsummer.RememberwhenDaveyshavedhis

chesthairintotheshapeofabikinitop?”

Iburstintolaughter.“HowcouldIforget?Then,therewasthattimerightbeforehe

metZena.Hewascheckingoutthatgirlsunbathingonherstomachonlytofinditwasaguy
withlonghairandabeardwhenthepersonfinallyflippedaround.”

Sheshookherhead.“Daveyalwaysgothimselfintothefunniestsituations.IwishI

couldrememberthemall.”

Wewalkedandreminisceduntilwemadeourwaybackinsidethebeachhouse.Wesat

downonoppositesidesofthewhitecouchinthelivingroom.

Mymindwasstillmoonlightinginthepast.“YouknowwhatIremembermostabout

thatsummer?”

“What?”
“BeingsohappythatyouwerehomefromBrooklynandinremission.Thatandkissing

theshitoutofyoueverychanceIgot.Thosewereseriouslythetwobestmonthsofmylife.I
feellikeeverythingchangedsofastafterthat.”

“Wehadalotofgoodtimes,Mitch.”
“Goodtimes?No.Youwerethebestthingthateverhappenedtome.”
Whoa.Waytobesubtle,Nichols.
Shelookedlikeshedidn’tknowhowtorespondtothatandpromptlychangedthe

subject.“DidyouknowthatAngiejusthadababy?”

“Really?No.”
AngieandCodyhadgottenmarriedandmovedtoSeattleafewyearsago.Iwasn’tsure

ifSkylarhadstillbeenintouchwiththem.

“Yeah.Theyhadalittlegirl.HernameisAinsley.”
“That’sacoolname.I’msureshe’llgrowuptosoundjustlikeherfather.”
Skylarthrewapillowatmeplayfully.“You’rebad.”
“It’sthetruththough,isn’tit?”Ithrewitback.
“Yes.Ofcourse,itis!”Shewipedtearsoflaughterfromhereyes.“Anyway…shequit

herjob.She’shomewiththebabynow,probablytakingazillionpicturesallday.”

“Baby’sfirst9,257hours…”
“Exactly.”
Skylarstaredoff,andIknewwhy.ItwassomethingItriedtoblockoutwheneverit

wouldcrossmymindbecauseithurtlikehelltothinkabout.Therewasnooneintheworld
thatwouldmakeabettermother,andmyheartachedforher.Shelookedatme,andI
realizedsheknewwhatIwasthinking.

Sheflooredmewhenshesaid,“Kevindoesn’twantkids.”
“Doesheknow?”
“Yes.Iwasalwaysupfrontwithhimaboutit.”
“Youdo,though…wantkids.”
“YouknowIalwayshave,butwhatdoesthatmatterifIcan’tconceive?”
“There’salwaysadoption.”
“Hedoesn’twantkidsperiod.Ifhedoesn’twantoneofhisown,he’scertainlynot

goingtowanttoadopt.”

Iwasn’ttalkingabouthim.Iwastalkingaboutus.
“Isthatwhyyoustaywithhimbecauseyouthinkyoudon’thavetoworryabouthim

leavingyouifyoucan’tgivehimachild?”

Shestartedtoshutdown.“No.That’snotwhyI’mwithhim.Idon’twanttotalkabout

thisanymore.”

Ithoughtitwasafairquestion,consideringitwastheveryreasonforourdemise.If

shehadn’tleftmeoverthatfear,wewouldn’tbeinthispositionrightnow.IfeltIhadaright
toask.

“Okay.”Ineededtochangethesubject.“Hey…Iwantedtoaskyou.Idon’tusuallyhave

abigbirthdaypartyforHenry.Hisbirthday’sinthesummer,butthere’sthisplacethatopens
upinthefall.It’sanindoorkidsgym,andyoucanrentitout.Iwasthinkingofhavinga
belatedpartyforhimattheendofSeptember.Hedoesn’treallyhaveanyfriends,sothere
won’tbetoomanykidsthere.He’lljustbeabletojumparoundandgocrazyandenjoyit
withoutthechaosofacrowd.Theyhaveoneofthosemoonbouncesandaballpit.Theylet
youbringinpizzaandcake.Doyouthinkyou’dbeabletomakeit?”

Herfaceturnedpale.
“DidIsaysomethingwrong?Youdon’thavetocome.Itwasjustaninnocent

invitation.”

“Yousaid…theendofSeptember?”
“What’swrong?”
“Iwouldlovetogo,but—”
“Butwhat?Whataren’tyousaying?”
“There’ssomethingIhaven’tmentioned.Ididn’twanttoruinthistrip.Idon’treally

knowhowtotellyou.”

Ifeltasuddenrushofpanic.Istartedtosweat.“Sayit.”
“KevinwasofferedavicepresidentpositioninCalifornia.He’stakingit,andwe’re

supposedtobemovinginamonth.”

Myheartfeltlikeithadbeenrippedoutofmychest.Alleffortstoremaincalmand

composedduringthistripweredestroyedinthatmoment.“You’removingaway?”

“Idon’twantto.”
Shemovedcloser.Ibackedaway.
“Inamonth?Howlonghaveyouknownaboutthis?”
“Twoweeks,maybethree.”
“Wereyouevergonnatellme?Orwereyougoingtojustfuckingdisappearagain?”
“Iwasgoingtotellyou.Ijust—”
“WHEN?”
Igotupfromthecouchandpacedthefloor.
“Pleasedon’tgetupset.Youhavenoideahowbadlythisishurtingme.Idon’twantto

leave,but—”

“Butyouweregoingtoanyway…maybenoteventellmeuntilthelastminuteor

never?”Irubbedmytemplestosoothemypoundingheadasoldwoundsfromherpast
abandonmentburstopen.“Youknew…beforeyouagreedtocomehere.”Ilookeddeeplyinto
hereyes,desperateforthetruth.“Thistrip…it’snotachanceforustogetcloser.It’sgoodbye,
isn’tit?”

Hervoicetrembled.“Idon’tknowwhatitis.I’mscaredandsoconfused.”
“Well,I’llmakeiteasierforyou.”IneededtogetoutoftherebeforeItotallylostit.I

walkedtothedoorandturnedaroundonelasttime.“Thanksfordinner.”

Atearfelldownhercheek.“Pleasedon’tgoawaymad…”
“I’llseeyoutomorrowatwork.”
Islammedthedoorbehindme.
WhenIgotintothecar,Icouldn’tmove.MyhandsshookasIgrippedthesteering

wheel.Ineededtocalmdown,soIcoulddrivehome.IfshesawthatIwasstillsittingout
here,shewouldcomeoutside.Ineededtobeawayfromhertothinkclearly.

Ipulledoutofthegravelandontothedarkroadleadingbacktomyhotel.Acardriving

towardmenearlyblindedmewithitshighbeams.

IreplayedthenightinmyheadasIdrove.Shelovedme.Iknewitinmyheart.But

lovemaynothavebeenenoughbecauseshedidn’tfeelsafewithme.

Thetextalertonmyphonesounded,andIquicklylookeddownwhiletryingtokeepan

eyeontheroad.

Ididn’tsayanythingtoyoubecauseI’mnotsureI’mgoingwithhim.
Myheartfilledwithhopeandfearatthesametime.Whileherwordswere

encouraging,itwasstillamixedmessage.Eitherway,itbecameabundantlyclearthatwith
thisnewthreatlooming,Ihadtofightharderandfaster.Inolongerhadmonthstogetherto
seethatshebelongedwithme.MaybeIwouldneverbethesafechoice,butIwastheright
choice.IwouldloveherharderthanIeverhurther.

Withonlythreenightsleft,IneededtocapitalizeonwhatstrengthsIhad,including

herphysicalattractiontome.Ineededtoshowherhowmuchsheneededme,howhappyand
fulfilledIcouldmakeherinwayshecouldn’t.Fuckmyoriginalplantogetherback
gracefully.

Now,itwastimetoplaydirty.

CHAPTER26

SKYLAR

Whenmyalarmsoundedatsix,myeyesweregroggy,andmyheadachewassplitting.I

hadn’tbeenabletosleepmostofthenight.Istretchedandwalkedovertothewindow.When
Iopenedit,thesaltysmelloftheoceanimmediatelygreetedmealongwiththemorningcall
oftheseagulls.

Imissedhim.
AfterI’dmadehimangry,Ifeltguiltystayinginthisbeautifulhousethathepaidfor.

MystomachwasupsetbecauseIjustdidn’tknowwhattoexpectwhenIgottoworkthis
morning.Heneverrespondedtomytextlastnight.Todaywassupposedtobeoneofmy
busiestdays,asI’dbeputtingupallofthewindowtreatments.Ididn’twanttobespending
allofthattimeinsidethehouseifhe’djustbegivingmethecoldshoulder.

IdecidedtostopbyStarbucksonthewaytogetalatteformeandacoffeeandmuffin

forMitch.Maybethatsmallgesturewouldhelpgetthedayoffontherightfoot.

WhenIarrived,alloftheguyswereoutfront.Ihadforgottenthattodaywastheday

theywouldbeputtinginthewheelchairramp.

WhenMitchspottedme,heputdownthetoolhewasusingandwalkedovertowhere

Iwasgettingoutofmycar.

Butterfliesswarmedinmybellyasheapproached.Itwasearly,buthisshirtwas

alreadyoff.Atoolbeltwaswrappedaroundhiswaistwherehisjeanshunglow.Idon’tthink
I’deverseenanythinghotterinmylife.Iwasexpectinghimtobemad,butinsteadwhenhe
stoppedinfrontofme,hegavemeawickedgrin.

Hetookthecoffeeandmuffinfrommyhands.“Thankyou.Youshouldn’thave.”
“Well,IfigureditwastheleastIcoulddoafterupsettingyouwiththatnewslast

night.”

Isteppedbackinsurprisewhenheleanedin.Ithoughthewasgoingtokissmeonthe

mouth,butinsteadheplasteredawarm,firmkissonmycheek.

Hisvoicewaslowanddeepashespokeclosetomyear.“Don’tworryaboutlastnight.”
Okay.
Then,heturnedaroundwithoutsayinganotherword.Iwatchedashewalkedaway.I

tiltedmyhead,admiringthewayhisjeanshuggedhistightass.Mybodywasstilltingling
fromtheshockoffeelinghismouthonmyskinforthefirsttimeinsomanyyears.Mycheek
wasstillwetfromhissalivaasIstoodmotionless,hatingmyselfforwishingthekisshad
beenonmylipswithhistonguedownmythroat.

WhenIwalkedinsidethehouse,thefreshpaintfumeswereoverwhelming.Igotto

workimmediately,puttingupthehardwareforthecurtainsinthebedrooms.

Afteranhourorso,IjumpedinsurprisewhenMitchappearedinthethreshold,his

chestglistening.

“Oh,hey,”Isaid.
“Hey.”
Isteppeddownfromthestool.“What’sup?”
“Ineedafavor.”
“Shoot.”

Heliftedatubeofsunscreen.“Thesunisblazing.I’mstartingtoburn.Canyouput

someofthisonmyback?”

OhGod.
“Uh,yeah.Sure.”
Hehandedittomeandturnedwithhisbackfacingme.“Thanks.”
Hisskinwasflawless,smoothandgoldenfromthesun.Thiswasmyfirstclose-upof

thelargecrosstattoointhemiddleofhisback.TherewasanawkwardsquirtingsoundasI
squeezedthelotionintomypalmandclosedthecap,holdingthetubebetweenmyknees.

Istartedatthetop,rubbinginslowcirclesatthebaseofhisneckbeforemovingdown

overhisshouldersandtheripplingmusclesofhisupperback.Theytightenedandflexedat
mytouch.Mymassagewasmoresensualthanappropriate.Icouldn’thelpit.Ithadbeen
yearssinceIcouldtouchhimlikethis.Hewasbreathingfast,andIknewhefeltthesame
electricity.Myhandsmovedoverthecrossthentohislowerback.Ifantasizedaboutslipping
myhandsintothewaistbandofhisjeans,gratefulthathecouldn’tseethelookofaweonmy
face,whichwouldhavebeenadeadgiveawaytomyweakness.

Heturnedaroundsuddenly,andslowlyreacheddownbetweenmykneestograbthe

bottle.Ifeltweak,andmyhandstremoredwithaneedtotouchhimagain.

IwishedIcoulddothefront.
Ashelookedatme,hisblueeyesreflectedthesunlightpouringintotheroom.They

werefilledwithmorerawdesirethanIhadseeninalongtime.“Thankyou.”

Igulpedthesalivathatbuiltupfrommydrooling.“You’rewelcome.”
Then,hejustturnedaroundanddisappeared.
Hespenttherestoftheafternoonoutside,leavingmerattledasIstruggledtofocuson

myworkandnotthememoryofhowhisskinfelt.

Aroundthreeintheafternoon,hecameintooneofthebedroomswhereIwas

arrangingfurniture.Sweatwasdrippingdownhischest,andhewipedhisheadwithhis
forearm.“I’mheadingoutofhere.Youshoulddothesame.”

“Ijusthaveacouplemorethingstofinishup.”
“I’mpickingyouupatfive.”
“Wherearewegoing?”
“Don’tworryaboutit.Wearthenicestthingyouhave.”
BeforeIcouldrespond,hewasgone.Mybodyfilledwithexcitement.Ifiddledwithmy

engagementringinthehopesthatitwouldmagicallyknocksomesenseintome.
Unfortunately,itdidnothingtocurbthethrobbingbetweenmylegs.

***

Iputonatiny,reddressthatleftlittletotheimaginationandslippedmyfeetintoa

pairofmyhigheststilettos.Istyledmyhairinlong,loosecurlsandfinishedupgettingready
justasthedoorbellrang.

Awhiffofhisdeliciousscentgreetedmewhenthedooropened.Wearingafitted,

whitelinenshirt,MitchwasmoredressedupthanI’dprobablyeverseenhim.Hissleeves
wererolledupandafewbuttonsatthetopwereopenedjustenoughtoseethebeginningof
mynametattoo.Heworedark,khakipantsthatfitsnugly.Afteralltheseyears,asenseof
pridefilledmeuponseeinghimsogrown-upanddapper.

“Well,don’tyoulooklikeamemberoftheyachtclub.”
Hiseyesmovedfromtoptobottom.“Andyou—muchtomydelight—inthoseheels,

couldbeamemberofthegentleman’sclub.”

“Goodone.”

Mynipplespracticallyturnedtosteelwhenherubbedmyarm.“YouknowI’m

kidding.”

“Youwanttocomeinfirst?Ordowehaveareservation?”
“Weshouldgetgoingnow.We’llcomebackhereafterdinner.”
Thethoughtofusbeingalonelatermademejittery.
Heopenedthecardoorforme.“Youstilllikeseafood?”
“Yeah.Youknowit’smyfavorite.”
IcouldfeelMitchglancingoveratmeconstantlyashedrove.
“What?”Iasked.
“Youlookreallypretty.”
Irubbedbothhandsovermyarmstotamethegoosebumps.“Youlooknice,too.”
“Youseemnervous.Youokay?”heasked.
“You’reactingdifferentlytoday.”
“You’reright.Todayisanewday.Thistripwillbeoverintheblinkofaneye.Iwant

youtoknowifI’mthinkingsomethingoverthenextfewdays,I’mgonnasayit.Untillast
night,IthoughtIhadmoretimetoremindyouofwhoIamandtotellyouthingsyouneedto
know.I’mnotgoingtowastetherestofthistimetalkingaboutthepossibilityofyourmoving
withhim.Thisisaboutmeandyouandnooneelse.”

IgavehimaslightsmiletoshowhimthatIunderstood.
Hiseyesreturnedtotheroad,andhedidn’tlookatmetherestofthequietride.
Wepulledintotheparkinglotofahigh-endrestaurant,RowlingsontheWater.He

heldthedooropenforme.Thesmelloffreshseafoodimmediatelyhitme.Therewasaroom
offtotheleftwithlobstersswimmingaroundinalargetank.Totheright,wasthediningarea
thatwasprettycrowdedforsoearlyintheevening.Therewasindoorseatingandanoutdoor
areathatoverlookedthewater.

Ahostessgreetedus.“Wouldyoupreferinsideorout?”
Mitchlookedatme.
“It’ssoniceout.Let’seatoutside,”Isaid.
Shegrabbedtwomenus.“Outsideitis.Rightthisway.”
Onceseated,ourwaitress,aprettyredheadnamedGinny,cameover.“WhatcanIget

youstartedwith?”

“I’llhaveaglassofPinotGrigio,”Isaid.
“I’llhaveaSamAdams.”
WhenIhandedhermydrinkmenu,hereyeslandedonmydiamond,whichwas

shiningbrightlyinthesun.“Whoa,stunningring,”shesaidbeforelookingatMitch.“You
havenicetaste.”

“Oh,Ididn’tpickitout.She’snotmyfiancée.We’rejustfriends,”hesaidcurtly.
“Really?Iwouldhaveneverguessedthat.”Shetookhismenu.“Doesthatmeanyou’re

single?”

“Iam,”hesaidwhilelookingrightatme.
“I’llberightbackwithyourdrinks.”
AnawkwardsilenceensuedasMitchandIbrowsedthefoodmenu.
Whenshereturned,thefocusofherattentionshiftedsolelytoMitch.Shetotallymade

eyesathimwhenshehandedhimhisbeer.

“Areyoureadytoorder?”
Mitchpointedtome.“Skylar?”
“I’llhavetheonepoundlobsterwithasideofbakedpotatoandasalad.”

“AndI’llhavetheseascallopswithriceandasalad.Canwealsohavetheoysterson

thehalfshellappetizer?”

“Absolutely.Youknowwhattheysayaboutoysters,right?”
Mitchwasstilllookingatmewhileansweringher.“Whatdotheysayaboutoysters,

Ginny?”

Sheblinkedhereyelashes.“They’reanaphrodisiac.”
Hiseyeswerestillburningintomine.“Goodtoknow.”
Shewinkedathim,oblivioustohiscleardisinterest.“I’llberightback.”
Heunfoldedhisnapkinwithaguiltylaugh.Heknewshewantedhim.“Didyouknow

thataboutoysters,Skylar?”

Irolledmyeyes.“She’salittlebittooobvious,don’tyouthink?”
“Aboutwhat?”
“Shewantstofuckyou,andshe’slettingyouknowit.”
Hetookalongsipofhisbeer.“Doesthatbotheryou?”
“No.I’mjust…pointingitout.”
“Okay.So,youwouldn’tmindifIaskedhertomeetuplater,then?”
Thethoughtmademystomachsick.Hisbehaviorhadbeensounpredictabletoday,

though,thatIcouldn’tbe100-percentsurehewaskidding.ForallIknew,hemightdoitto
proveapointandthenendupreallylikingher.

“Ifthat’swhatyouwant.Isit?”
Heleanedin.“Oh,itwouldn’tbewhatIwant.WhatIwantisforallthesepeopleto

magicallydisappearandtotakeyouonthistableuntilyouscreammyname.So,whatIwant
isirrelevant,isn’tit?Iwasjustwonderingifyou’dcare.”

Allofthecolormusthavedrainedfrommyface.
“What’swrong?”heasked,knowingexactlytheeffecthiswordshadonme.
Iwassoturnedon.Icouldhardlybreathe.
Itookalongsipofmywineinanattempttocoolmyselfdown.“Youweren’tkidding

whenyousaidyouweren’tholdingback.”

“I’mdonewastingtimewithbullshit.Thinkhardbeforeyouaskmesomething.From

nowon,I’lldamnwellgiveyouthehonestanswer.Whenwewerekids,youusedtoalwaysdo
thesame.Iusedtolovethataboutyou.”

Ginnyarrivedwithouroysters,placingtheentireplateinfrontofMitchasifIwere

invisible.“Justletmeknowifthere’sanythingelseIcangetyou.Anythingatall.”

Bitch.
Mitchignoredherandpushedtheplateintothemiddleofthetable.“Haveone.”
Istuckmyhandout.“Ididn’trealizetheywereraw.”
“Youdidn’t?Ithoughtyouknewwhatthesewere.Youlikesushi,don’tyou?”
“Yeah,butthesearekindofslimy-looking.”
Iwatchedcloselyasheliftedonetohismouthandlickedtheoysteroutoftheshell,

suckingoutthejuices.Helickedhislips,anditmademeinstantlywet.Talkaboutfoodporn.
Hetookanotherandreachedacrossthetable.

“Openyourmouth.”
Ididasheaskedandsuckeditintomymouth,swallowingthesludgyoysterasfastas

possible.

Imadeaface.“Okay,I’vetriedit.”
“Nomore?”
“No.”

“Thankyoufortryingit.”
“I’lltryanythingonce.”ItcameoutmoresuggestivethanIintended.
Iwascompletelyegginghimon,andIcouldn’tstopmyself.
Whenourmealsarrived,thingscooleddown.Itneverceasedtoamazemehowthe

moodwithMitchcouldeasilyturnfromsexuallytensetocomfortableinminutes.Thathad
alwaysbeenourmodusoperandi.

Wetalkedabouteverythingfrommyhealthtoourfamilies.Itwassweettoseethe

lookofgenuinereliefonhisfacewhenIexplainedthatmydoctorsweremoreoptimisticeach
visit.Allroutinescansandbloodworkintheyearssincemytransplanthadcheckedoutclear.
Then,wemovedtothetopicofhissisterwhomhe’dremainedclosewithinrecentyears.He
lamentedoverthefactthatSummerwasnowinherpreteensandthathemighthaveto
physicallyharmanyboyswhobreakherheart.

Ginnyreturnedtoourtable.“Didyouwantdessert?”sheasked,lookingonlyatMitch.
Ijustwantedtogethomeandintercepted.“Westillhaveatonoftiramisuleftover

fromtheothernightbackatthehouse,”Isaid.

Helookedather.“Iguessthat’sano.We’lljusttakethecheck.”
Shereturnedwithourbillandtwomints.
Helookeddownatitandmadeafunnyface.
Ireachedoutmyhand“What’sthedamage?”
“It’snothing.”
“Mitch,you’vepaidforthiswholetrip.TheleastIcandoiscoverdinner.Pleaselet

me.”

“Noway.”
IsuddenlysnatchedthebilloutofhishandandsawthatGinnyhadleftmorethan

thosetwocandies.Hisearliersmirkmadetotalsensenow.

Ithinkyou’readorable,andI’dlovetogooutsometime.Callme.757-969-2352.
Mybodystiffenedasafeelingofprimalprotectivenesssurgedthroughme.Itwas

unfairtofeelthiswaygivenmycircumstances,butthethoughtofMitchwithanotherwoman
mademecrazy.

“Youokay?”heasked.
“Yeah.”
Hegavemeaknowinglook.IguessIworemyjealousyonmysleeve.
“I’mnotgonnacallher,Skylar.”
“Youdon’towemeanexplanation.You’dhaveeveryrighttobeinterestedinsomeone

else.”

Helookedaroundtoseeifanyonewaslisteningthenlookedintomyeyes.“IwishI

couldfuckingwantsomeoneelse.”Hisstarewaspenetrating.“Itdoesn’tfeelgood,though,
doesit?Timesthatby1000,andthat’swhatI’vebeengoingthrough.”

Forthefirsttimetonight,Isawgenuinesadnessinhiseyes.
“No,itdoesn’t...feelgood.”
Herippedthebillfrommygraspandcrackedasmile.“Fortherecord,you’readorable

whenyou’rejealous.”

Ididn’tputupafightaboutpaying.Ijustwantedtogetoutofthereasfastaspossible,

angryatmysuddenandselfishdesiretobealonewithhim.

***

Mitchtooktwosmallplatesoutofthecupboard.“Let’stakedessertouttothebeach

whilethere’sstillalittlelight,unlessyou’dwanttogoswimming?”

“No,thewater’stoocold.It’shightide,andthewavesarerough.Dessertonthebeach

soundsgood.I’llgrabablanketfromupstairs.”

Wetookourshoesoffandwalkedoutontothesandwherewespreadtheblanket

down.

Itwaswindy,andourhairwasblowingallovertheplace.Aflockofadozenseagulls

decidedtojoinusoncetheysawwewereeating.

Mitchthrewonearemnantofhisdessert.“Theymustknowwe’rebirdpeople.”
Iletoutagiggle.“Aw,ImissSeamus.He’sprobablymiserablewithoutme.”
“ThatoldbirdandIalwaysdidhavethatincommon.”
Hestartledmewhenhemovedcloserandrubbedhisthumbagainstmychin.“Youhad

atonofwhippedcreamrightthere.”Whenhelickedhisthumb,ashiverrandownthelength
ofmybody.

Hedidn’trealizehehadsomewhippedcream,too,onthecornerofhismouth,andit

wastauntingme.Iimaginedlickingitoff.

“Youhavesome,too,”Isaid.
“Where?”
“Righthere.”Ibrushedmyindexfingeralongthecornerofhismouth.Thetipofhis

tonguepeekedoutfrominbetweenhisteethandgrazedmyfingerasImoveditalonghis
lowerlip.”

Heshuthiseyesasiftofendoffthefeelingsproducedbythecontact.Ididn’tknow

whyIwastorturingmyself.Touchinghismouthwasn’tgoingtohelpifIcouldn’tkissit
deeplythewayIwasdyingto.

Now,hewasstaringatmymouth,asilentinvitationtocontinuewhatIstarted.Itried

tochangethesubject.“Ihaveaconfession.Ididn’tmakethistiramisu.Iboughtitatthe
bakerydowntheroad.”

“Ah…yousneak,”hesaid,takinganotherbite.
“Isn’titthemostdeliciousthingyou’veevertasted?”
Heslowlypulledthespoonfromhismouthandshookhishead.“No,actually.It’snot.”
Ittookmeafewsecondstounderstandwhyhewaslookingatmelikehewantedtoeat

me.Then,Ifiguredoutthathewasreferringtogoingdownonme.Isqueezedthemuscles
betweenmylegsinresponsetotheimmediatereactiontriggeredbythememoryofhishot
mouthdevouringme.Hewastheonlymanwhohadeverdonethattome.

Inanotherattempttochangethesubject,Ilookedtowardtheseagullsthatwerenow

yardsaway.“Thenightisstillyoung.Whatdoyouwanttodo?”

“Iwantgoinsideandlightupthatelectricfireplace.Haveyoutriedit?”
“No.Ihaven’tyet,”Isaid.
“That’swhatIwanttodo.Iwanttositbythefirewithyouandjustchill.”
“Okay.”
“ButfirstIwanttomakeyouwet.”
Excuseme?
“What?”
Beforemymindcouldfallfurtherintothegutter,heliftedmeupoverhisshoulder

andsprintedtowardthechoppyocean.

Iwhackedhimrepeatedlyasmybodybouncedagainsthimwhileheran.“Mitch!No.

No.No.Putmedown!Putmedown!”

Mybackslappedagainstthecoldwaterwhenhedumpedmein.Iswallowedsomeof

thesaltwaterandstartedcoughingincessantly.Mydresswasdrenched,andsowerehis

clothes.

“Youjerk!”IstartedtosplashhimasfastandfuriouslyasIcould.
Hedidn’teventrytoblockme.Hejuststoodthereandletmedoitwithadevilish

smileonhisface,periodicallypushinghishairbackwithhishandsandspittingoutwater.At
onepoint,Igottakenoutbyawaveandlostmybalance.Istartedtolaughferventlyafterit
knockedmedown.

Asheheldhisstomachinlaughter,Itrudgedthroughthewaterandknockedhimin

thechest.“Youthinkthat’sfunny,huh?”

“No,”hesaid,grabbingmeagainandliftingmeoverhishead.“Ithinkthisisfunny.”

Hethrewmedownhardintothewateragain.

Wefrolickedintheoceanforatleastanhouruntileverydropofsundisappeared.The

lightfromthehousewaslikealampinthedarkness.

“It’sgettingchilly.Let’sgoinside,”hesaid.
Wesqueezedthewateroutofourclothesandracedtothedoor.Itfeltlikewewere

teenagersagain.Wewerelaughingandpantingaswewipedourfeetfreeofsandinthe
doorway.

“I’llgogetsometowels,”Isaidbeforerunningupthestairs.
Iquicklygotoutofmydress,puttingonacamiandshortsbeforereturning

downstairs.

Hehadturnedontheelectricfireplacethatwasbuiltintothewallinthelivingroom.I

threwoneofthetowelsathim.

Herubbeditthroughhishair.Hisskinwastransparentthroughthewetwhiteshirt.

“Thiswasn’taverysmartidea.Ihavenochangeofclothes.”

“Icouldseeifthereareanyinthedrawersorclosetupstairs.Theownermighthave

leftsomestuffbehind.”

“Worthashot,”hesaidasheunbuttonedhiswetshirt.
Iwatcheduntileverylastbuttoncameundoneandranbackupstairs,stillthinking

aboutit.

Thedrawersweremostlyempty.Inthebackofthefirstcloset,therewereafewladies

wintercoats,andthenIhitthejackpot:onesetofobnoxioustropicalshorts.Themotifwasa
combinationofbrightcolorsandpalmtrees.Therewerenoshirtsinsight.

Iranexcitedlydownthestairs.“Ihavegoodnewsandbadnews.Ifoundsomegreat

shortsforyoubutnoshirt.”

“Icanlivewiththat.”
SocouldI.
Ithrewtheshortsathim.“Youcanchangeinthebathroomoffthekitchen.”
“Theseare…wow.Hideous,”hesaid,holdingthemup.Theymightbealittlesmallfor

me.”

Whenhecamebackout,Iwasamazedathowgoodhelookedeveninthoseridiculous

shorts.Withmusclesandasix-packlikethat,whatheworedidn’treallymatter.Hisdamp
hairwasmessy,stickingupinalldirections,whichIfoundamazinglysexy.Theshortsfithim
likeaglove.Theydidn’tlooknearlyasbadonhimastheyhadonthehanger.

“IfeellikemypackageisanadvertisementforHawaiiantourism.”
Igiggled.“Theydon’tlookhalf-bad.”Icouldn’thelpcheckingouthisbody.“Whendid

youstartworkingoutsohard?”

“Afewyearsafteryoulefttown.”
“Really?”

“Itwasmyoutlet,stillis.Youhavetoblowoffsteamsomehow,right?Plus,Iwantto

bearoundforalongtimeformyson.”Hewalkedovertothefire.“Comesitherebyme.”

Therewasacouchrightunderthefireplaceonthewall.Hesatononeendfacingme,

andIsatontheotherendandputmyfeetup.

“IsawyouwerecheckingyourphonewhenIwascomingoutofthebathroom.I’m

guessinghecalled?”

“Yeah.”
“Howcomeyoudidn’tcallhimback?”
“ItextedhimthatIwasturninginearlyandthatI’dtalktohimtomorrow.”
“Youdidn’thavetolieforme.Youcould’vecalledhim.”
“Thiswholetripisalie,isn’tit?What’sthedifference?”
“Thedifferenceis,you’renotdoinganythingwrong.Hecouldneverbeginto

understandourhistoryandtheneedforclosure.”

“So,that’swhatthisisabout…closure?”
“There’snooneelsehere,Skylar—justyouandme.Tellmewhatyou’rereallyfeeling.

Please.IneedtoknowwhatI’mfacingwhenwegethome.”

Thefirecastaglowaroundhisface.Histranslucenteyesreflectedtheflames.Mitch’s

stronghandgrippedthebackofthecouchasifthatweretheonethingkeepinghimfrom
touchingme.Hewaitedformetosaysomething.Whenhepointedoutthatnoonewould
everknowwhatwassaidinthisroomtonight,itresonatedwithme.Suddenly,asIlookedat
thisbeautiful,vulnerablemanwithmynameetchedontohischest,Iwantedtopourmysoul
outtohim.

“I’mfeeling…likeIwishwecouldstayhereforever.Iwisheverydaycouldbeahappy

one,likehowwewereinthatwatertonight.”

“Wecanhavethatkindofhappiness.Everyday.”
“It’snotthatsimple.Someonewouldhavetogethurtforthattohappen.Andthen,

there’sHenry…”

“Henryisfine.Hehasmeandalwayswill.Hedoesn’tneedamother,Skylar,ifthat’s

whereyou’regoingwiththis.We’vedonejustfinewithoutone.Yourcomingintoourlives
wouldn’thavetomeanbecomingHenry’smother.Iknowyoumayneverbeabletofully
accepthimbecauseof—”

“No!Idon’tletherimpactthewayIlookathim.Hedoesn’tdeservethat.He’sbeen

throughenough.I’mjustafraidofhurtinghim.”

Herestedhisforearmsonhislegsandrubbedhiseyesinfrustrationthenabruptly

turnedtome.“BecauseyouthinkI’lldosomethingtohurtyouagain,andthenyou’llhaveto
leave,right?Youdon’tfeelsafewithme.Igetit.Butareyoucontent?EverytimeIaskyouif
you’rehappywithhim,youskirtaroundthequestion.Fuck,Skylar.Are…you…happywith
him?”

“Youwanttheanswer?”
“Yes.”
“Aquestionforaquestion,then.I’llanswer,andthenIgettoaskyouone.”
“Likeouroldgame…withoutthebasketball.”
“Yeah.”
“I’mdownforthat,”hesaid.
“YouaskedifIwashappy…”Istaredintothefire,feelingincrediblyguiltyforwhatI

wasabouttoadmitforthefirsttime,bothtohimandoutloudtomyself.“I’mnot.Ifeelsafe,
butI’mnothappy.Youusedtomakemehappy.Youweretheonlypersonwhoevermademe

trulyhappy.Whenthatwasrippedaway,itbecamemoreimportanttofeelsafethanhappy.”I
exhaled.“Myturn.”

“Okay.”
“Howisitpossiblethatyouhaven’tbeenwithanyoneinfiveyears?”
Heleanedhisheadbackonthecouch.“Idon’treallyknowhowtoexplainit,exceptto

sayIhaven’twantedanyone.Itwasn’tworthittojustdoitforthesakeofit.Mymother
convincedmetoseeatherapistacoupleofyearsago.HeseemedtothinkIwastraumatized
bywhathappenedwithCharisma,thatIdidn’ttrustanyoneormaybethatIwasafraidthe
samethingwouldhappenagain.Somewhereinthebackofmymindthatmighthavebeen
thecase,butIcantellyouthedesireforotherwomenjusthasn’tbeenthere.”

“Butyouhavethedesirenow?”
“That’stwoquestions.”Hiseyesloweredtomynipplesthatwerestandingtoattention.

“Myturn.Whenwasthelasttimeyouhadsexwithhim?”

“SometimebeforethenightwewenttoBev’s.Myturn.Doyouhavethedesireback

now?”

Hejustlookedatmeforthelongesttimethensaid,“Yes.”Hiseyestraveled

unapologeticallydownthelengthofmybody,andhisvoicewaslower.“Myturn.AmIthe
reasonyouhaven’tsleptwithhimsinceBev’s?”

Iwhispered,“Yes.”
Myfootaccidentallybumpedintohisleg.AfterImoveditbackonreflex,hegrabbedit

andbegantolightlysqueezeit,bringingintheotherfootaswell.Deepinthought,hestared
downathishandsastheymassagedmyfeet.Iclosedmyeyesandenjoyedthesensationfor
severalquietminutesuntilhestoppedsuddenly.

“IthinkIshouldgo.”Hegotupandpickeduphiswetclothingoffthefloor.
“What?Why?”Ifollowedhimtothekitchen.
“BecauseIcan’tdothis.”
“It’sokay.Youdon’thavetoleave.Thingsjustgotalittleoutofhand.”
“ItoldmyselfIwasn’tgoingtotouchyouuntilyouaskedmeto.”
“Itwasjustafootrub.”
“It’snotthefootrub.It’swhatIalmostjustdid.It’swhatIstillwanttodo.Iwantto

knowthatyou’renotgonnaturnmeawaybecauseonceIstart,I’mnotsureIcouldstop.”He
grippedthekitchencounter.“God,eventhethoughtofbeinginsideyoumakesmecrazy.Iget
instantlyhard.Justenvisioningitisbetterthantherealthingeverwaswithanyoneelse.”
Hisarousalstretchedthroughthefabricofthetightshorts.“Youthinkstickingmydick
insideanotherwomanwasevergoingtohelpmegetoveryou?Itneverhas,anditneverwill.
Doesithelpyou,Skylar?”

“Stickingmydickinsideanotherwoman?I’venevertriedit,butatthispoint,maybeI

shouldconsideritasanoptionthree.”

Heshookhisheadandstartledmewhenhewalkedastepforwardandputhishandon

mycheek.“Howdoyoudothat,alwaysmakemelaughinamomentthat’ssupposedtobe
fuckingserious?”Hemovedhishandback.“WhatImeantwas…doesfuckinghimwhile
you’rethinkingaboutmehelp?Basedonthewayyoulookatme,Iwouldventuretosayno.”

“Whatwayisthat?”
“ThesamewayIknowIlookatyou,likesomeonewho’swantedonethingpractically

hisentirelifeandcanneverhaveit.”Hisvoicewasstrained.“Idon’twanttodienotknowing
whatitfeelsliketobeinsidetheonlywomanI’veeverloved.”

Iclosedmyeyes.

Whathe’dsaidtookmebacktomycancerdayswhenI’dspentmanysleeplessnights

fearingthatverysamething,thatIwoulddiebeforeIhadthechancetomakelovetohim.

“IwishwehadmadelovethatnightinLakeGeorgewhenwehadthechance.”
“Me,too.I’veneverhadmorethanmeaninglesssex.Idon’tevenknowwhatitfeels

liketomakelovetosomeone.You’retheonlywomanIcouldexperiencethatwith.Inten
years,I’vehadalotoftimetoimaginewhatitwouldbelike.”Hestaredoffandslowlyshook
hisheadwithanindignantlook.“Itshouldhavebeenme.Ishouldhavebeenyourfirst…but
I’dratherbeyourlast.”

“Mitch…”
Hiseyesdarkenedashemovedclosertome,justinchesfrommylipsandsaid,“He’s

notgivingyouwhatyouneed.Icanfeelit.”Iwasdyingtokisshim,mybreathingcompletely
outofcontrol.Afterafewseconds,heturnedaroundandgrabbedhiskeysoffthecounter.“I
thinkit’stimeformetogo.”

MyunderwearwascompletelysoakedasIimaginedhimbackingmeagainstthe

counterandwrappingmylegsaroundhimashepoundedintome.Iwasthrobbingbetween
mylegs.ThelookonhisfacewasanexpressionofthesamehungerIwasfeeling.Iwanted
himtotouchme.Icouldn’taskhimtobecauseIknewwhereitwouldlead,andIdidn’twant
tocheatonKevin,butIstillneededtohearitlikemylifedependedonit.“Whatwoulditbe
like?”

Hestoodstill,staringatthegroundwithhiskeysinhishands.“Idon’tthinkIcouldbe

gentle.”

Mybodywashummingwithanuncontrollableyearning.“Whatwouldyoudotome?”
“RememberwhatIsaidearliertonight?”
“NottoaskyouaquestionifIdon’twantthehonestanswer.”
“YoustillwanttoknowwhatIwoulddotoyou?”
Iwaslikesomeonewhochoosestotakedrugsforthefirsttime.Youknowfullwellthe

repercussions,butyousayyesanyway.Inodded.

Mitchlookeddownatmyshortsandaskedaquestionhelikelyalreadyknewthe

answerto.“Areyouwetrightnow?”

Myeyeswerehalf-closedasIleanedmybackagainstthecounter.Myvoicewasbarely

audible.“Yes.”

“Youwantthehonestanswer?Baby,wordscan’tdojusticetowhatIwoulddotoyour

body.I’mnotgoingtotellyou.Iwanttoshowyou…whenyouaskmeto.”Heexitedthe
kitchenandopenedthefrontdoor.Hetookafewstepstowardhiscar,hisfeetcrunchingin
thegravelbeforeheturnedaround.“AndSkylar?Restraintisthebestforeplay.”

CHAPTER27

MITCH

Mymorningwoodwasworsethanusual.Thatdidn’tsurpriseme,consideringIalso

wokeupinthemiddleofthenightwithawetdream.Theyearsofcelibacywerecatchingup
tomeallatonce.WhenIgotbacktomyhotellastnight,Iwaslikearockstargoingoffona
benderafterfiveyearsofsobriety.IguessIwasmorelikeacockstar,sincemydrugofchoice
seemedtobejerkingoffrepeatedlytothoughtsofher.

Myplantoweakenherresistancehadworked.Theproblemwas,Iwasn’tkeepingup

myendofthedeal:notouching.Evenwhenshehadrubbedthesunscreenonmybackearlier
intheday,Ikeptmyhandsoffofher.

Itbecameexceedinglymoredifficultnottotouchheroncewestartedplayingaround

atthebeach.Still,Ihadn’tlostcontroluntilIstartedmassagingherfeetbythefire.Ihad
gottenthesuddenurgetokissthemandworkmywayuptherestofherbody.Istoppedit
beforemyfantasybecameareality.TakingthenextstepwasSkylar’sdecisiontomake,not
mine.MyjobwastomakeherseethatIwastherightdecision.

Onegoodthingfromlastnight:shefinallyadmittedthatshewasn’thappywithhim.

Normally,thatwouldhavebeengroundsforacelebratorydance.Butshefolloweditupwith
amajordownerwhenshesaiditwasmoreimportanttofeelsafethanhappy.Screwthat.If
shecontinuedtolethermindwinoverherheart,Istoodtoloseeverything.

Hereyesconfusedmethemost.Theywerebasicallycommandingmetobendherover

andfuckherhard.InalltheyearsI’dknownher,I’dneverseenanythinglikeit.Itwasproof
hewasn’tgivingherwhatsheneeded.ShepracticallybeggedmetotellherwhatI’ddotoher
likehernextbreathdependedonit.Dirty.Needlesstosay,thatnearlyputmeovertheedge,
whichwaswhyIhadtogetthehelloutofthere.

Iemergedfromthebathroomaftermycold,morningshower.Instrumentalmusic

fromtheWeatherChannelforecastplayedonthetelevision.Idialedmymotherbefore
headingtothehouseforourlastdayofhardlabor.

“Hey,Mom.”
“Hi,honey.Iseverythingokay?Yousoundupset.”
“It’sgoingalright.Skylar’saconfusedmess.Nothingisgoingtogetresolvedonthis

trip.”

“Ihopeyou’repreparedifthingsdon’tgoyourway.”
“Look,Iwasn’tcallingtodiscussit.IjustwanttotalktoHenry.Isheup?”
“Sure,I’llputhimon.”
IcouldhearthenoisesfromhisiPad,soIknewhewasonthephone.
Ilaybackonthebedwithabigsmile.“Hey,buddy.It’sDaddy.Imissyou.”
Hehummedinreactiontomyvoice.Eventhoughhecouldn’trespondtomeinwords,

ItrulybelievedheunderstoodeverythingIwassaying.

“I’llbehomeinacoupleofdays,okay?BegoodforGrammy.”
Icouldhearthecomputer-generatedvoicefromtheiPad.“Iwanttogoto

McDonald’s.”

Ilaughed.“DaddywilltakeyoutoMcDonald’sthisweekendwhenIgetback,okay?

We’llgoSunday.Ipromise.”

“IwantDaddy.”
“Iknow.Iloveyou,buddy.I’llbehomesoon.”
Mymothercamebacktothephone.“Hemissesyou.Hekeepspullingupthepicture

ofyourfaceandpressingit.”

“Itfuckingbreaksmyheart.Ihatethathecan’ttellmewhetherheunderstandsthat

I’mcomingback.”

“Don’tworryaboutthingshere,okay?Youdeservethisbreak.”
“Thankyou,Mom.I’lltalktoyoulater.”
Imissedmyson,andIwasfeelingdownonthedriveintowork.Thephonecallhome

hadbroughtmebacktoreality.Withonlytwodaysleft,Iwasbecomingmorepessimistic
thatthingswouldworkoutinmyfavor.Skylarwasagoodperson.Shewasn’tgoingtodothis
guydirtyanddumphimafterafewdayswithmeevenifshelovedme.She’dgohome,
probablystillunsurethengetsuckedinagaintotheperfect,safelifehebuiltforher.Thistrip
wouldbeamerememory.She’dleavemeandmybaggagebehindandtakeofftoCalifornia
foranewstart.

WhenIwalkedintothehouse,Skylarwasdirectingoneoftheguysastowhereto

hangapictureofagiantbass.

Shestoppedmid-sentence,andhereyeswidenedwhenshenoticedme.“Hey.”
Iwavedandsilentlywalkedrightpasther.
Iwasstewingwhileunloadingmytoolstofinishofftheelectricalworkintheupstairs

bathroom.Icouldstillsmellherperfumewhilemyheadbecamelostinaseaofdoubt.We
belongedtogether.Itjustseemedsocleartome,butIcouldn’tforceit.Ifshewasintenton
endingupwiththesaferchoice,theonewhonevercausedheranypain,therewasnothingI
coulddo.Fuckhistory.Fucklove.Fuckfate.Fuckhappiness.Fuckmind-blowingsex.Fuckit
all.

Abouttenminuteshadpassedwhensheappearedatthedoorthencameinandshutit.

“YouforgotwhatIsaid.”

Thesoundofhersweetvoicealoneimmediatelyweakenedmynewsupposedstance.
Iputdownmypliersandtriednottolookather.“What?”
“You’repretendingIdon’texistbecauseyou’rescared.It’sexactlywhatyouusedtodo

whenwewereteenagers.Rememberhowyouwouldavoidmewhenyoustartedtohave
feelings?You’redoingthatrightnow.Backthen,ItoldyouIdidn’twanttolosemoments
withyoujustbecauseyouwereafraid.Imadeapromise,though,thatIcouldn’tkeep.Itold
youthatifwescrewedup,nomatterwhat,youwouldn’tloseme.ItoldyouIwouldalwaysbe
there,andIwasn’t.Whenthingsgotworsethaneitherofuscouldhaveimagined,Iran.Ilied
toyou,andI’msorry.”Hereyesstartedtoglistenasshecontinued,“Butwehavetwodays
lefthere.Again,I’mtellingyouIdon’twanttoloseonemomentwithyou.IrealizeIhaven’t
givenyouanyanswers,butjustknow,Ineedeverysecondofthistimewithyoulikemylife
dependsonit.”

Me,too.Fuck.Ineededthattoo.
Ihadnoresolve.Ipulledherintoahugthatlastedforatleastafullminute.Herhair

waspracticallyinmymouth.Iwasbreathingintoherneckwhilemyhelplessdickswelled.I
knewIhadtostickthisout.I’dbegamblingwithmyheartbecauseevenasmallchanceof
winningherloveandtrustwasimpossibletopassup.

Thatnight,wewatchedoldninetiesmoviesbackatthebeachhouseandtalkeduntil

allhours.Therewasnotouching.Iwentbacktomyhotel,tossingandturning,knowingthat
thenextnightwouldbeourlastatthehouseonSandbridgeBeach.Whatreallykeptmeup,

though,wasthefearthatitwouldbeourlastnighttogetherperiod.

***

Fridayhadfinallyarrived,andalloftheworkatthehousewascompleted.The

unveilingwassetfortomorrowmorning.

Skylarspenttheafternoonputtingthefinishingdecorativetouchesonallofthe

rooms.Shehadpickedanauticalthemewithlotsofblueandwhite,alongwithimagesof
anchors,boatsandtheocean.Anactualoarhungonthewall.Shelaidthrowpillowsdown,
putoutcandles,silkflowersandseashells.Herskillswereseriouslyimpressive.Shealso
managedtokeepus500-dollarsunderbudget.

Thelastthingonmyagendawassurveyingthesitealongwiththebuildinginspector,

makingsureeverythingwasuptocode.

SkylarandIwereabletomakeitbacktotherentalhouseingoodtimeforourlast

nightinVirginiaBeach.Theonlyotherobligationwehadwastoshowupforthebigreveal
tomorrowmorning.Then,shewouldheadtotheairportintheearlyafternoon,andIwould
beginthelongdrivebacktoNewJerseyalone.

Skylarsaidshewasn’thungry,sowehadasmallmealofappetizersatalocalfried

seafoodshack.Themoodwastenseandsomberlikethecloudyweatheroutsidetonight.Even
thoughIfeltlikeIknewwhereherheartwas,Ihadnoideawhereherheadwas.Her
expressionhadbeenstoicthroughoutdinner.

Whenwereturnedtothebeachhouse,Skylarlookedlikeshewantedtosaysomething

thesecondwewalkedinthedoor.Sheputherpursedownandchewedherlipnervously.“I
wantyoutospendthenighthereinthespareroom.Willyou?”

“I’mnotsurethat’sagoodidea.”
TherewasnowayItrustedmyself.
“Youpaidforthishouse.Iwantyoutoenjoyitforatleastonenight.Thesecondroom

overlookstheocean,too.There’snothinglikewakinguptothatviewandsmellingthesalty
air.I’vefeltguiltythiswholetime.We’rebothadults.There’snoreasonwhyyoucan’tstay
hereforourlastnight.”

“Ifthat’swhatmakesyouhappy,I’llstay.”Ihadnoideawhatwasgoingtoreally

happentonight.Myheartstartedtobeatrapidly.Ismiled.Shesmiledback.

Herphonerang,interruptingourmoment.Shelookedunsettled,andIimmediately

knewwhoitwas.Inthepast,Iwalkedawaywhenshetookhiscall.Tonightwasdifferent.I
stayedlookingathertheentiretimeshespoketohim,myheartmangled.

Shepickeditup.“Hey,what’sup?”
“Yes,everything’sstillontarget.Wefinisheduptoday.”
“Ugh…youknow…justwatchingTV…relaxing.”
Fuckingaroundwithmyex.Samething.
“Yup.”
“I’llcallyouwhenIland.Icanjustcatchacab.”
“Ifyouinsist…”
“Me,too.”
Therewasalongpause.
“YouknowIdo.”
Then,alongerpause.Hereyeballswerefranticallymovingbackandforth.
“Kevin…”
Herbreathingwasrapid,andherfaceturnedredasabeet.Whatwashesayingtoher?
Hergazefellonmine.“Iloveyou,”shefinallysaidtohim.

Sheimmediatelyclosedhereyesinshameandhungupthephone.
Shemightaswellhaveshotmeatpointblankrange.
Myeyesbuggedoutofmyhead.“Whatthefuckwasthat?”
“Itwasn’twhatitseemed.”
“You…justtoldhim…youlovedhimandwerelookingstraightatme.Youjustsaid‘I

loveyou’toanothermanwhilelookingintomyeyesasifyouweresayingittome.”Iyelled,
“Doyouknowwhatamindfuckthatis?”

Skylarwasshaking.“Hemademesayit.IfIhadn’t,hewouldhavesuspected

something.I’mprettysurehealreadyknowssomething’supwithme.”

Wow.
Ilookeddownatthefloor,rubbingmychinandjustknew.Thiswasit.I’dreachedthe

endofmyrope.

IlookeddeeplyintohereyesbecausesheneededtounderstandwhatIwasaboutto

say.“Fromthemomentyoucameintomylifeallthoseyearsago,youmademefeellikeIhad
apurposeonthisEarth.Overtime,Idiscoveredwhatitwas.Itwastoloveyou.Idon’tknow
whoIamwithoutyou.I’mHenry’sdad.ButMitch…Mitchislost.Ifeelstuckinatimewarp,
likeI’mstillthatteenagerwaitingtomakelovetohisgirlfriendoverChristmasbreak.
Everythingchangedinaflash.Physically,Ibecameagrownman,butinside,I’mstillthatlost
boywaitingforyoutocomeback.IthinkIfinallyjustrealizedthat’snevergoingtohappen.”

Tearsfellfromhereyes.“Mitch…”
“Doyouknowhowpainfulitistolovesomeonesofuckingmuchthatyou’ddiefor

them,yettheydon’tevenfeelsafewithyou?Goonandmarryhim.Haveyourperfectlifeon
yourperfectstreetwithyourperfectman…andseemyfaceeverynightwhenhe’sfucking
you.I’mDONE.”Icouldn’tlookatherasIheadedstraightforthedoor.“Goodbye,Skylar.”

Shedidn’tevenbothertofollowmeoutthistime.

CHAPTER28

SKYLAR

MyentirebodywasshakingasIfelltotheground.Istayedinthesamespot,leaning

againstthewallwithmyheadinmyhandsunabletohandletheenormityofwhathadjust
happened.Ihadfinallymanagedtopushhimaway.Thepaininmychestwasoverpowering.

Helovedme,buthecouldonlyputupwithsomuch.HowcouldIhavetoldKevinI

lovedhimwhilelookingstraightintoMitch’seyes?

Kevinsuspectedsomething.Hewasactinguncharacteristicallyinsecureonthephone

andkepthoundingmetosaythosethreewords.Ididn’tknowwhattodobecauseifIdidn’t
saythem,he’ddemandanexplanation.Hewouldhavekeptmeonthephoneallnight,andI
didn’twanttoruinmylasthoursalonewithMitch.Butthatwasexactlywhathappened
anyway.IthoughtIcouldsweepitundertherugafter,butthehurtwasbeyondrepair.

Lettinghimleavewascowardly.AllofthethingsIwantedtosaytohimwereatthetip

ofmytongue,butnonewouldcomeout.

Ishould’vebeenrelieved,right?Wasn’tthatwhatIhadbeenlookingfor…someoneto

makethedecisionforme?MitchgivingupthefightnowmeantIcouldwalkoffintothe
sunsetwithKevinsanstemptation.

So,whydidIfeellikemylifewasover?
MyeyelidsshuttightasthewindshookthewindowsontheFrenchdoors.Itwas

startingtorainoutside.IprayedtoGodtotakethisimmeasurablepainaway.Thethoughtof
takingasecondchanceonMitchhadalwaysscaredme,butnothingcomparedtohowscared
IwasnowthatI’dpushedhimaway.

Lovecan’texistwithoutfear.
Thethoughthadcomeoutofnowhere,almostasifaspiritguidehadwhispereditin

myear.WherehadIheardthatbefore?

IwrackedmybrainandrememberedtheconversationJakeandIhadyearsagoatthe

engagementpartyrightbeforethenightmarewithCharismahappened.

“Ifthethoughtoflosingsomeonedoesn’tscaretheshitoutofyou,thenit’snotlove.”
Throughoutallofthis,notoncehadIbeenscaredtoloseKevin.Iwasscaredtohurt

himbutneverscaredtolivewithouthim.Itfinallybecamecrystalcleartome.Kevintook
careofmeandmademefeelsafe.Icaredabouthim,buttherewasnofear.Itwasn’tlove.I
couldn’tmarrysomeoneIwasn’tinlovewith.

Ontheotherhand,thethoughtoflivingwithoutMitchmademephysicallyill.It

terrifiedme.Theagonyinmychestworsened.MitchlefttonightthinkingIdidn’tlovehim
whenthatcouldn’thavebeenfurtherfromthetruth.

Heneededtocomeback.Ireachedformyphoneanddialedhisnumber,butitwentto

voicemail.Icalledthehotel.Heshouldhavebeentherebynow.Thefrontdeskconnectedme
tohisroom,buttherewasnoanswer.

Myheartstartedracing.Theroadswereprobablyslick.Whatifhegotintoanaccident

becausehewasupset?Whatifsomethinghappenedtohim,andheneverknewhowmuchhe
meanttome?

Igrabbedmykeysinapanic.WhenIranoutthedoor,thewindblewsandinmyeyes.

AsIwasabouttogetintothecar,Inoticedasilhouetteinthedistancebytheshoreline.

Itwasastrong,muscular,beautifulsilhouetteofamanwithhishandsinhispockets,

staringoutattheoceanwiththewindblowingthroughhishair.

Mitch.
DrizzlehitmyfaceasIranthroughthedampsand,stoppingafewfeetawayfromhim.
Iwasoutofbreath.“Youcameback.”
Heturnedaround.“Ineverleft…notforasecond.”
Iknewhemeantthatliterallyandfiguratively.He’dalwaysbeenwaitingformeto

comebacktohim.

Iwalkedslowlytowardhim.
“Don’tcomenearme,”hesaid.
Iignoredhimandputmyhandsonhisface.Hiseyesweredark,empty,devoidofall

life.

Istartedtocry.“I’msorry.I’msosorryforputtingyouthroughthat.Itshouldhave

neverhappened.Idon’tlovehim,Mitch.Irealizethatnow.”

Hetookmyhandsoffhisfaceandheldtheminafirmgrip.“Lookintomyeyes.What

doyouseewhenyoulookatme?Canyouevenfuckingseemeanymore?It’sstillme.Please
tellmeyoustillseewhoIam.”

Inthatmoment,Ichosetosetasidemyfearsandtrulysawhimforthefirsttimesince

cominghome.

MyMitch.
Theboy.Theteenager.Theman.Hiseyesweretheoneconstantandthewindowinto

thesoulofallthree.I’dlovedthemallequally.

Isniffled.“Yes.Iseeyou.Iseeyou,andIloveyou.”
“Don’tfuckwithme,Skylar.Iwasmourningyououthere,likeitwasthefucking

burialofourrelationship.Then,youcomeoutofnowheretellingmeyouloveme.What
changed?”

“Ichosetoletgoofthefearandsawthelovethatliesbeneath.Itwasalwaysthere.It

neverleft.”

“You’reserious?”
Ididn’tanswerhim.Instead,Iliftedthedressoffofmybodyandletitblowawayin

thewind.MybreastswerebareasIstoodbeforehiminnothingbutmylaceunderwear.

“Touchme.”Hedidn’tmove,andIbeggedagain.“Please.”
“Don’tdothisifyoudon’tmeanit.Don’t—”
Ipressedmylipsintohis.Hegroaneddownmythroatthesecondourmouthstouched

asifanendlesshungerhadfinallybeensatisfied.Heputhishandsaroundmyface,holdingit
steadyasheslippedhistongueinsidemymouthandlickedmeravenously.Ihadneverbeen
kissedthatdeeply.Itwaslikehewasfuckingmymouthwithhistongue,demonstratingwhat
hewantedtodotomybody.

Iknewtherewasnogoingbacknow.Guiltwasmakinganattempttorisetothe

surface,butitwasn’tstrongenough.Icouldn’tstopifItried.Imovedbackforamomentto
catchmybreathwhenhepulledmeintohimharder.Wetnesstrickleddownmythigh.Iwas
soincrediblyturnedonbythecommandingforceofhiskiss.

Whenhismouthleftmine,Ipantedandlickedmylips,starvingformore.Thescruff

onhisfacescrapedmyskinashekissedmychin,andendeditwithoneslow,gentlebite.He
pulledmyhairbackroughlyanddevouredthebaseofmyneck,suckingsohardthatithurt.
Therewouldbemarkstomorrow,butIdidn’tcare.Iwasallin,wantingthepain,wanting
everythinghehadtogive.

Heslowlylickedalinebackuptomymouth.Thistime,ashepressedhislipsagainst

mine,hishoterectionalsopressedagainstmystomach.

Mistyraincontinuedtospraymynearlynakedbodyashekissedmewithhispalms

placedfirmlyonmyass.Thewarm,humidairblewourhairaroundashekepthisforehead
onmine.Neitherofusmovedasthewavescrashedaroundus.Hewhisperedagainstmy
mouth.“Tellmethisisreal.”

Iranmyfingersthroughhishair.“It’sreal.It’snotadream.”
“I’mgoingtomakelovetoyoutonightinthatbig,whitebedupstairs.”Inodded

againsthisforeheadinagreementashecontinued,“Butfirst,Ireallyneedtofuckyou…right
hereonthisbeach.”

Themusclesbetweenmylegsbegantorapidlycontract.“Please,”Ibegged.
“Takeoffyourunderwear.”
Hischestwasrisingandfallingashewatchedmestepoutofthepinklacepanties.

Metalclankedasheunfastenedhisleatherbeltwithoutdelayandthrewitontothesand.
Whenheunbuttonedhisjeansandloweredthezipper,theyfelltotheground.Hisswollen
cockrestedagainsthisthighthroughhistightboxers.Ihadforgottenhowbighewas,andmy
heartgalloped.Icouldn’twaitanothersecondtofeelhim.

Hedidn’thavetodirectmethistime.Ileaptintohisarms.Hekissedmeharderthan

beforeandmoanedintomymouththemomentheenteredme.Inoneslightlypainfulthrust,
hewasinsideofme.MymusclespulsedandsqueezedaroundhiminawayIhadnever
experiencedwithanyone.Mylegswerewrappedaroundhiswaistashefuckedmewitha
forceanddepthIdidn’tevenknowwaspossible.

Heletoutasingle,intensebreathwitheachthrust.Eachoneseemedharderthanthe

last,andI’dmovemyhipstokeepup.Itwasneverenough.Hiseyeswereclosedtightasif
thepleasurewereunbearable.Iknewwitheverymovement,hewastakingmeback,taking
backeverythingwelostandatthesametime,finallyclaimingmeineveryway.

Hebitmybottomlipandgrowled,“Tenfuckingyears,I’vebeendyingforthis.”Ina

rhythmthatmatchedhisthrusts,herepeated,“Ten…fucking…years.Promisemenoother
manwillevertouchyouagain.”

Icouldhardlythinkstraight.“Yes.”
“Sayit.Promiseme.WhenIcomeinsideyou,IneedtoknowthatI’myourlast,that

youbelongtomenow.”

Iboredownonhimfasterinanattempttodemonstratemyfeelings.“I’myours.Take

it.Takeitall.”IrememberedsomethingIsaidyearsagothatmadehimcrazyandrepeatedit.
“I’mgoingtocomealloveryourdick.”

Mywordsimmediatelysethimoff.“Youlittleshit.Youremembered.”Helaughed

againstmymouth,andhisbodyshuddered.“Saymynamethenwhenyoucomeallovermy
dick,baby.Sayit.”

“Mitch.Oh,God…Mitch.Yes!”
Hescreamedoutinpleasureashecame,staringintenselyintomyeyesandpushing

medownoverhisorgasm.ItightenedarounditasIclimaxed,wantingeverydropofhishot
releaseinme.

Mylegs,nowlimp,werestillwrappedaroundhimashestayedinsideofmeandkissed

mesoftlythistime.

Ifeltwetnessonmyface.
Ilookedathimandrealizedtearswerepouringoutofhiseyes.“You’dbetterfucking

meanwhatyousaid,Skylar.BecauseIcan’tgobacknow.”

NeithercouldI.
Therainpickedup,peltingus,butwedidn’tmoveimmediately.Hepulledoutofme

andputmedownonlytoliftmynakedbodybackupagainandcarrymeintothehouse.

Onceupstairs,hebroughtmetothebathroomandturnedonthehotwaterinthetub,

checkingthetemperature.Heletitfillforawhilebeforehegrabbedmyhandandledmein.

Wesaidnothingashepouredliquidsoapontothespongeandranitslowlydownmy

body,washinginslowcirclesbetweenmylegsanddowntomytoes.Hepumpedsome
shampoointohishandsandmassageditintomyhair.Iclosedmyeyesinheavenasthe
bathroomfilledwithsteamandthesmellofmint.Hewasbeingsogentle,caringformeasif
Iwereadelicateflower.Itfeltlikehewastryingtomakeupforwhathecouldn’tgivemein
thepast.Itwasn’tmyfirsttime,butitwasourfirsttime.Thiswaswhathewouldhavedone
formehadwehadthatchanceyearsago.

Igrabbedthespongeandbegantowashhisback.Thewaterwasstillrunning,butit

hadnearlytoppedoff,soIshutit.Imassagedthesudsybubblesoverhiscrosstattoo.

“Whatdoesthecrossstandfor?”
“Thisoneismorerecentthantherest.Itsymbolizesthefactthateveryonehasacross

tobear.Henryhashisautism,yourswasthecancerandthedominoeffectthatcamealong
withit.Everyonehassomething.”

“What’syours?”
“Whatdoyouthink?”
“Itwaslosingme?”
“Losingyouandhurtingthepersonwhomeanteverythingtome,havingtolivewith

that.Yourememberwhenwefirstmet?HowafraidofloveIwasbecauseofmyparents’
divorceandwhatmyfatherdidtomymother?”

“Yes,ofcourseIdo.”
“Youmademebelieveinlove.Then,whenthatshithappenedwithCharisma,I

essentiallybecamemyfather.Ibecamethemanwhogotsomegirlpregnantanddevastated
thewomanwholovedhim.Itwasasicktwistoffate.Thecircumstancesweredifferent,but
theoutcomewasthesame.EverythingIhadeverfearedhadcometrue.Icouldn’tlivewith
myself.Iwantedtodie.Upuntilnow,Henrywastheonlythingthatsavedme.Butwhatyou
gavemetonight…asecondchancetoloveyou…wasagift.I’llspendtherestofmylifemaking
sureyoudon’tregretit.”

Iknewhewould,butthisnightwasbittersweet.Iwouldn’tbeabletojustreturnhome

andstartanewlifewithMitch.Ihadamajorlooseendtotieup,andhisnamewasKevin.It
wasn’tgoingtobepretty.

CHAPTER29

MITCH

UntilSkylarwaswearingmyring,nothingwassetinstone.Shewasstilltechnically

engagedtoanotherman,andtherewasalwaysthechancethatshewouldgohomeandget
suckedintothesafetyzoneagain.Ineededtodoeverythinginmypowertomakesureshe
didn’tforgetonemomentofthisnight.ItwasallIhad.

WaterbubbleddownthedrainasIliftedheroutofthebathtubandwipedherdown,

delightinginthesmellofherskin.

Ithrewthetowelonthegroundandpressedmycockagainsther,backingherintothe

wall,desperatetobeinsideofheragain.“Ineedtohaveyouagain,butIjustwanttolookat
youfirst.”

HernakedbodywasevenmorephenomenalthanIremembered.Afewextrapounds

addeddaintycurvestoherdelicateframe.Icuppedhercheekandranmyhandslowlydown
hernecktohertits.Theyweretheperfectsize,roundandjustbigenoughtofitinthepalmof
myhands.Hernippleswerelargeandadelicate,blushcolor.TheyhardenedasIranmy
handsdownoverthem.SalivagatheredinmymouthasIdaredmyselfnottolickthem.I
rubbedmyindexfingeracrossthefamiliarclusteroffrecklesinbetweenherbreasts,smiling
tomyselfasiftheywereoldfriendsIneverthoughtI’dseeagain.

Myhandtraveleddowntoherstomach.Icouldn’thelpthestingingthoughtthat

crossedmymind:Iwouldhavegivenanythingtoseeitswellwithmybabyinside.Ilovedher
somuchandwantedtobeabletogiveherachild.IhatedthatIdidn’thavethepoweralone
tomakethathappen,regardlessofhowdesperatelyIwantedit.

Herpussylookedfreshlyshaved,andIwonderedifshediditbecausesheknewthis

wasboundtohappen.Islippedtwoofmyfingersinsideofher.

Shit.
“HowcouldyoubesowetwhenI’vebarelydoneanything?”
“I’vebeenlikethatthiswholetrip.Evenwhenyou’djustlookatme,itmademewet.

Noonemakesmefeelthewayyoudo.Whatwedidonthatbeachtonight…it’sneverbeen
likethatforme…ever.”

“Ican’tevenrememberwhatbeingwithawomanwaslikebeforetonight.Thatwasthe

mostincrediblethingI’veeverfeltbarnone.”Ipushedmyhanddeeperinsideofher.“I’ve
nevercomeinsideofanyonebefore…well,willinglyatleast.I’veneverdoneitwithouta
condom.”

“NeitherhaveI.”
Istoppedmovingmyfingersindisbelief.“What?”
“Kevinalwaysusedcondoms.Heneverwantedtotakeachance…eventhoughIlikely

can’t…youknow…anyway.”

Icoweredatthethoughtofanyoneelseinsideofherbutcouldn’thavebeenmore

pleasedtoknowthat.

“Afterfiveyears,Iwouldn’thaveguessedthat,butIcan’ttellyouhowhappyIamthat

noone’severdonethattoyoubeforeandthatIcouldbeyourfirstatsomething.”

“Youweremyfirstkiss,too,remember?”
“Ah…thestolenkiss.”

ShewhimperedasIsuddenlykissedhergreedily.
Shelickedmylipsandsaid,“You’rethefirstinallthethingsthathaveevertruly

mattered.Youweremyfirstlove,myonlylove.”

IneededtocontinuetomakesureIwasthelast.Feelinginsanelypossessive,Ipulled

myfingersoutofherandledhertothebedintheadjacentroom.Herdamphairfellacross
thepillowasIhoveredoverher.Myownhairnearlycoveredmyeyes.

Mydickwaspainfullyhardandadropofprecumdrippedontoherstomach.Ineeded

hernow,butfirstIhadtofixsomethingthatwasbotheringme.Igrabbedherhandand
slowlyslippedoffherengagementring,placingitonthenightstand.Itwasaboldmove,butI
couldn’tstandlookingatitanymore.Shedidn’tresist,andIwasgrateful,unsurehowIwould
havereactedifshehadprotested.

Therainoutsidefellhardernowagainstthewindow.Ilockedherinwithmyarmson

eachside.“Tellmewhatyouwant.Youwantmetobegentlethistime?Iwasalittleroughon
yououtthere.”

Shebitherlipinapprehension.“Um…”
“What?Tellme.”
“Idon’t…wantyoutogoeasyonme…atall.”
Ismiledmischievously.“Youlikeitrough?”
“Yes…verymuch.”
Myalreadyexcitedcockhadnowbecomeengorged.
Ibentdowntonipherbreast.“Whatelsedoyoulike?”
Shewasblushinganddidn’tsayanything.
Ilightlybitherearlobe,refusingtobudge.“I’mnotmovinguntilyoutellmewhatyou

wantmetodotoyou.”

“Actually,Ilikeitwhenyoutellmewhattodo,whenyou’redemandingandwhenyou

talkdirty.That’swhatmakesmethecraziest.”

Fuckyeah.
Islidmycockagainstheropening,“Don’teverbeafraidtotellmewhatyouwant.I

can’twaittotryeverythingwithyou,thingsneitherofushaveeverdone.Iwanttoexplore
everylastinchofyou,pushboundariesifyouletme.”

“I’llletyoudowhateveryouwant.”
No,Idefinitelycouldn’tevergoback.I’ddie.
Ikneeledupoffofher.“Turnaround.Iwanttoseethatgorgeousass.”
Whenshedid,Islidmycockbetweenhercheeksandmoveditalongthetopofher

creasewithoutenteringher.“RememberwhenIdidthistoyouinthetentyearsago?”

“Mmm-hmm.”
“Iwasdyingtofuckyoufrombehindsobadlythatnight,butIstoppedmyself.Notthis

time.”Ienteredherinoneslowmovement.“Fuck.Neveragain.”Ipulledoutofherslowly
andpushedmyselfbackinevenslower.“Neveragain,”Irepeated.

Shegrippedthepillowandstartedgyratingherhipsintome.
Iplacedmyhandfirmlyonherlowerback.“No.Don’tmove.Iwanttotakeyouslow

untilyoucan’tstanditanymoreandneedtobegmetodoitharder.”

Shebreathedinquick,tremblingbreathswitheachdeeppenetrationandthenagain

wheneverIwouldslidemyselfout.Mydickwasdrenched,andIcouldn’ttellifitwasher
essenceormyownarousal.Movingslowlyinandoutofherlikethiswasdelicioustorture.I
wantedmoreofher.Ilickedmyfingerandslowlyinserteditintoherass.Herbreathing
quickenedinresponse,andsheflinched.

“Doesthathurt?”Iasked.
“No.”
“Staystill.”
Ipusheditindeeper.“Doesitfeelgood?”
“Yes…reallygood.”
Imovedmyfingerattheexactpacethatmycockpumpedinsideofher,slowanddeep.

Icouldhavecomeatanysecond.ThiswasthemosteroticthingIhadeverseenordone,and
itwasonlythetipoftheicebergofwhatIwanted.

“Mitch…”
“Yes,baby?”
“Ineedmore.”
“Youwantitfaster?”
“Yes.”
“Harder?”
“Yes.Yes.”
Ipulledmyfingerout.“Myturntostaystill.Ridemycockhowyouwantto.Showme

howbadlyyouneedit.”

“Putyourfingerbacktherefirst.Thatfeltgood,”shewhispered.
Ibentdownandlickedaroundherpuckeredholebeforestickingmyfingerbackinside.

Irestedmythumbinbetweenhercheeksassherodemyshafthardandfast.

Myeyesdriftedatonepointtotheringtauntingmeontheendtable.Itsetmeoffand

asuddenneedtoownherbodycausedmetobeginthrustinghardintoherdespitemyvow
nottomove.Myballsslappedagainsther,andshefuckedmefastertokeepup.Icouldfeel
hermusclescontractandknewshewasabouttocome.Iletmyselfgoatthatexactmoment
andwatchedinamazementassheenvelopedme,milkingeverylastbitofmyorgasm.My
dickconvulsedharderthanI’deverexperienced.

Mind.Blowing.
Stillpulsating,Icontinuedtomoveinandoutofherevenwhentherewasnothingleft.

Kissingtheskinofherbacksoftly,Isaid,“Iloveyousomuch.”

Sheturnedaroundandkissedmefiercelyonthelipsandwrappedherarmsaroundmy

neck.

“OhmyGod.”Shelookedintomyeyes.“You’recryingagain.”
Fuck.Whatwaswrongwithme?WhenI’mwithher,IcrylikeababyeverytimeI

blowmyload.

Isniffledandshookmyheadinembarrassment.“Apparently,thereisalivewire

connectingmydicktomytearductswhenI’mwithyou.”Iputmyforeheadonhers.“I’m
goingtobeafuckingwrecktomorrow.”

Shesmiled,wipingmyeyesandkissingeachone.“Noone’severmademefeellike

this.I’vealwayslovedyou,butnow…I’mabsolutelyaddictedtoyou.”

***

Themorningsunshinedintothebedroom,makingthemicroscopiclightblondehairs

onSkylar’sbodymoreprominent.Iwasstillstaringatherindisbeliefoverlastnight.After
wemadeloveafewmoretimes,Ispenttheentirenightjustwatchinghersleep.Itreminded
meoftheall-nighterIpulledyearsagoinherbedrightbeforeshemovedtoBrooklyn.The
circumstancesweredifferentthen,buttheuncertaintyIwokeuptotodayfelteerilysimilar.

Ididn’twanttolethergobacktohimforevenasecond.
Wewerescheduledtobeatthehouseat11,anhourbeforetheunveiling.Wewere

runninglate,soIstartedtokissherneck.

“Baby,wakeup.Wehavetogetgoingsoon.There’ssomethingIwanttodowithyou

beforewehavetogo.”

Shegruntedinprotestthenstretchedherarmsintotheair.Ilefttheroomandranout

tothecartogetmyswimshorts.

BythetimeIreturnedupstairs,shehaddozedoffagain.Ireachedintoherdrawerand

grabbedablackbikinibottom,slippingitupherlegs.

Shespokethroughheryawn.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Iwanttotakeonelastdipwithyouintheoceanbeforeweleave.Wedon’thavemuch

time.”

Iliftedheroutofthebedandcarriedherinmyarmsdownthestairs.
“Whataboutmytop?”
“Icouldn’tfindit.Youdon’tneedoneanyway.There’snoonearound.”
Iheldherallthewaytotheshorebeforeputtingherdownandreachingoutmyhand.

Wewalkedintothewateruntilwewerewaistdeep.Thesunsuddenlystartedtofade,andit
lookedlikeamorningrainstormwaslooming.Itwastheperfectsymbolismformyown
feelingofjoy,suddenlyovershadowedbyadrearyreality.

Thiswasnothinglikeourlastplayfuljauntinthewater.Thistime,wesimplyheld

hands,staringatthefadingsun,knowingthenextseveraldaysweregoingtoputourloveto
thetest.

“I’mjustgoingtoneedsometimewhenwegetback,okay?Idecidedtobecompletely

honestwithKevinaboutthetrip.Hedeservestoknowthetruth.”

Alumpformedinmythroat.“Iunderstand.”
Alookofguiltwashedoverherface.Itmademeangrythatsheletitcastashadow

overourlastmomentstogetherhere.

Iputmyhandsonhershoulders.“Don’teverbeashamedofwhatwe’vedone.You’re

notabadperson.LastnightwasthepurestthingI’veeverexperienced.Whateverhappens
tomorrowandbeyond,I’llneverforgetitforaslongasIlive.”

***

SkylarandIpulledintothedrivewayoftherenovatedhouseasscheduledinseparate

cars.Apressreleasehadgoneout,somembersofthemediawouldbearrivinginanhour
alongwithlocalgovernmentofficials,neighborsandrelativesofthehomeowners.

Skylarwalkedaroundopeningwindowsandfluffingpillows.Afewofmyguyswere

hangingouthavingcoffeeanddonutsinthekitchendownstairs.Ipretendedtobebusy,but
theentiretime,Iwasreallybroodingoverthefactthatshehadputherdiamondringbackon.
MaybeIwasreadingintothingstoomuch,butitpissedmeoff.Afterthereveal,shewould
havejustenoughtimetodrivebacktothebeachhouse,lockupandheadstraighttothe
airport.Therewouldbenotimetotalkorsayapropergoodbye.

IhadactuallybeenquiteproudofhowIhandledthingsthismorning,butseeinghis

ringbackonherfingerhadsparkedoldjealousyagainandaneedforreassurance.

ShestoppedinthedoorwayofoneofthebedroomsjustasIhadfinishedhammeringa

nailinafloorboardthathadcomeloose.

“CanIdosomethingtohelpyou?”sheasked.
ThehammerbangedagainstthewoodwhenIdroppedit.“Yes,youcan.Closethe

door.”

“What’sgoingon?”
“Justcloseit.Lockit,actually.”

Thelockclicked.“Whatdoyouneed?”
Istoodupandwalkedtowardher,rubbingmynoseagainstherneckandinhalingthe

smellofherskin.“Ineedtotasteyou.”

“Therearepeopledownstairs.”
“Sitonthebed.”
Shelookedworriedaboutsomeonecatchingus,butitdidn’tstopherfromdoingasI

said.Ikneeledatthefootofthebedandpushedherhipstowardmyfaceinoneswift
movement,liftingherskirtandspreadingherlegsopenwide.Shewasstillwearingher
underwearwhenIbegantoteasinglykisshermoundsoftly.Moistureseepedthroughthe
silkyfabric.Shepressedherselfhardagainstmymouthandgrippedmyhair.Then,Iusedmy
teethtoslowlyslideherpantiesoffofherlegs.

“Areyoustillworriedaboutthepeopledownstairs?”Iwhispered.
Sheshookherheadandsaidsomethingthatwasunintelligible.
“Ididn’tthinkso,”Isaidbeforepressingmylipsagainsthernakedclitandsuckingon

it.

ShewiggledundermeasmytonguelappedhardagainstherwhileItwirledmyfingers

insideofherwarmopening.

IlovedtheeffectIhadonSkylar.Icouldprobablygethertodoanythingsexually.I

definitelyheldtheadvantageinthatcorner.Still,herputtingtheringbackonhadcausedme
tosecondguesseverythingthathappenedlastnight.IbegantoruminatewhileIwaseating
herout.Wasthisatrystafterall,ordidshemeanitwhenshesaidshewouldleavehim?
EventhoughIknewitwascruel,Isuddenlystopped.

Sheleanedup.“Whathappened?”
Iwaspantingandstoodup.“You’rewearinghisringagain.Ifyou’rereallyplanningto

endthings,whydidyouputitbackon?”

Shesatupandlookeddownattheringonherhandalmostasifsheweresurprisedto

seeitthere.“Ihadn’teventhoughtaboutit.It’sjustahabit.”

“Well,it’sallI’vebeenabletofuckingthinkabout.”
“I’mgivingtheringbacktohim,Mitch.”Shestoodupandtookmyfaceinbothofher

hands.“I’msorrymywearingitmadeyoudoubtmyintentions.Ishouldhavemadethem
clearer.I’mnotthinkingstraightbecauseI’msonervousabouthavingtotellhim.”

MyheartbeatagainstherchestasIpulledherintome.“It’sjust…I’malittlecrazy

whenitcomestoyouifyouhaven’talreadynoticed.LastnightobliteratedanytoleranceI
usedtohave.Ijustcan’tbearthethoughtofyouwithhimanymore.I’msorryIoverreacted.”

“Don’tbesorry.ItshowsmehowmuchyoulovemeandhelpsmetoknowI’mmaking

therightdecision.”Shekissedmesoftlyonthelips.“Iloveyou.”

Hearingitnevergotold.“Iwaitedforfiveyearshopingyou’dcomebacktomebut

neverimaginedyouactuallywould.ForgivemeifI’mhavingahardtimebelievingit,because
itseemsunreal.IcouldspendtherestofmylifetryingtoprovehowthankfulIam,how
muchIloveyou,anditstillwouldn’tbeenough.”

“Youdon’tneedtoproveanything.Justloveme.”
“IshouldfinishwhatIstartedbeforeIfreakedout,butIjustreallyneedtobedeep

insideyourightnow.Isthatokay?”

“There’snothingIwantmore,butwehavetobequick.”
“QuickIcando.”Iunbuckledmybelt.“Howdoesfivesecondssound?”
Shegiggled.“Youdon’tneedtobequitethatfast.”
Ibackedherontothebed.MypantswereonlyhalfwaywaydownmylegswhenI

enteredherandgaspedathowincredibleherhotpussyfeltwrappedtightaroundmycock.It
hadonlybeenhourssinceI’dlastbeeninsideofher,butitfeltlikeforeverago.Icouldnever
getenough.Iwantedthisallday,everyday.

Whiletheothertimeswe’dmadelovewerefranticanddesperate,thismomentwas

different.Iendeduprelaxingintoit,believingforthefirsttimeinmylifethatshewastruly
mine.Iletmyselfexperienceeverysensationandstayedinthepresentwithoutcloudingmy
mindwithdoubtandworry.Thatallowedmetotrulyfeelwithmybodywhatshewastelling
mewithhers.Witheverymovement,shewasgivingmeanotherpieceofher:thewayher
musclestightenedaroundmycock,thewayshegrabbedontomefordearlife,thewayshe
breathedasifeverybreathdependedonourbodiesbeingjoinedtogether.Shewasshowing
methatshe’dmadeherchoice.

Nirvana.
Therewerenowordsforthemagnitudeofmyloveforthiswoman.Whenweclimaxed

together,rightoncuewerethosefuckingtearsagain.Myheartwantedtoscreamout,“Marry
me,Skylar”asIcameinsideofher,butmybrainintercepted.Proposingtoherinthemiddle
ofmysignatureweepingorgasmwasn’texactlyideal.So,Inixedit.

Therewerevoicescomingfromthebottomofthestairs.Cardoorsslammedoutside.It

wasgettingclosetothestarttimefortheunveiling,andpeoplewerearriving.

“Weneedtogetoutofhere,”shesaid,softlynibblingatmynosewhilewipingmyeyes

asshesmiled.Stillontopofher,Ireluctantlypulledout.

SkylarwenttotheconnectingbathroomtocleanupwhileIfastenedmypantsandgot

myshittogether.WalkingdownstairsinfrontofmyguyslookinglikeI’dbeencryingwould
notbeagoodthing.

WekissedpassionatelyonelasttimebeforeIlefttheroom.She’dfollowmeout

separatelysothatoursneakingaroundwasn’tobvious.

Cameraflashesandjumbledconversationsgreetedmeonthefirstfloor.Skylar

emergedsometimeafter,lookingpoisedwithoutahairoutofplace.Noonewouldhave
guessedthatshehadjustbeenthoroughlyfuckedafewminutesearlier.

AlocalreporterinterviewedSkylarinacorner.Iwatchedfromacrosstheroom,

sippingmycoffeeassheeloquentlyexplainedtheprocessofdecoratingthehouseona
budgetinsuchashortperiodoftime.

IgotacallonmycellphonelettingmeknowthattheJohansenfamilywasfive

minutesaway.

Whentheyarrived,everyonegotemotional.Seeingtheirreactionsastheywentfrom

roomtoroomwithlooksofabsolutejoyandgratitudewaspriceless.Theywereespecially
touchedbythewheelchairrampweinstalledoutfrontfortheirson.Wehadalsomadeoneof
thebathroomshandicapaccessible.Allinall,thesurprisewasahugesuccess.

Bythetimethemedialeft,wewerefreetogoandletthefamilyenjoytheirnewhome.

IfollowedSkylarbacktoSandbridgeBeach,soshecouldusethebathroomatthehouseand
grabherthings.She’dthendriveherrentalcartotheairportbeforecatchingherflight.I’d
closeupthehouseandhittheroadinthehopesofarrivinginNewJerseylatetonight.

Ididn’twanttolethergo.Icameupbehindherasshefiddledwiththehandletoher

suitcase.Ikissedherneckandspokeintoherear.“Cancelyourflight.Drivehomewithme.
We’llstopfordinnerinD.C.”

Sheturnedaroundandrubbedherthumbalongthestubbleonmychin.“Ican’t.I

needtogohomeandgetthisoverwith.”

“Areyougonnatalktohimtonight?”

Shelookeddownanxiouslyatthegroundandletoutadeepbreath.“Dependingon

whattimeIgetin,I’lleithertellhimtonightortomorrow.”

“Tellhimtonight.”
“Why?”
“Idon’twanthimtouchingyou.Whatareyougonnadoifhetriessomething?”
“IguessIhadn’tthoughtthatfarahead.”
“Tellhimwhenyougethome.Then,Iwantyoutogetyourstuffandcometomy

house.MymotherwillletyouinifIhaven’tgottenbackyet.”

“Mitch,Ihavetohandlethisalittlemoresensitivelythanthat.He’sgoingtohavealot

ofquestions.Ican’tjusttellhimI’mleavinghimafterfiveyearsforthemanhethinks
traumatizedme…thenwalkoutthedoor.Icareabouthim.”

Fuck.Isupposeshewasright.Knowingalltoowellwhatitfeltliketoloseher,I

should’vebeenfeelingreallybadlyforthepoorbastard,butIcouldn’tseemtogetpastmy
ownexcitementandjealousy.Ijustwantedherinmyhouseandinmybedassoonas
possible.

“Okay.Iunderstand.Iwon’tpressureyou.Areyousureyouwon’tchangeyourmind

aboutdrivinghomewithme,though?”

Sheshookherheadno.
Ikissedher,suckingonherbottomliphard.“Iloveyou,SkylarMarieSeymour.”
“Iloveyou,too.”
“Haveasafeflight.Pleasecallmewhenyouland.I’llbeinthecar.”
“Iwill.”
SherolledhersuitcaseoutthedoorasIfollowedher.AfterIputtheluggageinthe

trunk,wekissedonelasttimebeforeshegotinanddroveoffthegravelontotheroad.I
watcheduntilhercarwascompletelyoutofsight.

Thehousewaseerilyquiet.Shewasgone,butthesmellofherfloweryperfumethat

remainedinthefoyerteasedme.Imissedheralready.Ipickeduponeofherhairtiesthat
hadfallenandplayeditwithitasIponderedourweektogetherunabletocontainmysmile.

IwalkedtotheFrenchdoorstoadmiretheoceanonelasttimebeforeI’dlockup.This

placewouldalwaysbespecialtomebecauseofwhathappenedhere.Imadeamentalnoteto
bookitfornextyear.WecouldtakeHenryandmymotherandturnitintoatradition.Myson
lovedtoplayatthebeach.Thewatercalmedhimdown.IalwayssaidI’dlovetomovecloseto
anoceanforthatreasonalone.

AsIdaydreamedaboutafuturethatseemedbrighterthanever,therewasaknockat

thedoor.

Shecameback.
MyheartfilledwithanticipationasIwalkedoverandopenedit.ThatwaswhenI

realizedshewasn’theadinghometohimafterall.

Becauseheandhisfistwererighthere,headingstraightformyface.

CHAPTER30

SKYLAR

Whenmyplanelanded,andIwalkedoutintothepassengerareaatNewark,Ijust

knewsomethingwaswrong.Kevinwasneverlateforanything.Acoupleofdaysago,hehad
insistedonpickingmeup,butnow,hewasnowheretobefound.

WithallthathappenedwithMitch,Ihadstupidlyforgottentochargemyphonethe

nightbefore.IrealizeditwasdeadafterIgotontheplaneandhadleftmychargerinthe
suitcase.Ihadnowaytoreachanyone.Ididn’tevenknowKevin’snumberbyheartsinceit
hadbeenprogrammedintomyphoneforsolong.

MyluggagewasthelastpiecerotatingaroundtheconveyerbeltwhenIgrabbeditand

concededthathewasn’tcoming.AnominousfeelingcameovermeasIstoodinthecrowded
baggageclaimareaunsureofwheretogoorwhattodo.Boardingcallsplayedoverthe
intercom,andpeoplewerebumpingintomeasIstooddazedandconfused.

Anairlinerepresentativeendedupcallingmeacarservicethatdrovemealltheway

home.

MyheartwaspalpitatingasIapproachedourfrontdooronBayberryLane.Myhand

shookasIputthekeyintotheslot.Itwouldn’tbudge.Idouble-checkedtomakesureIhadn’t
grabbedthewrongoneandsoonrealizedthatthelockshadbeenchanged.

Iheardbarkingcomingfromtheupstairsbedroom.ItwasSeamus.Hehadn’tdone

thatinyears.Somethingwaswrong.Icouldn’tgettohimandstartedtopanic.

Kevinknew.
BirdschirpedasIlookedfromsidetosideparanoid,expectinghimtojumpoutofthe

bushesorsomething.

Igotintomycartoconnectmyphonetoachargeranddroveaimlesslyaroundthe

neighborhood.Stoppingforagroupofboysplayinghockeyinthestreet,Istartedtosweat.
Somethingbadwasabouttohappen.

Whenmyphoneeventuallyturnedon,Ipulledovertothesideoftheroad.Therewere

tenmissedcallsandseveralmissedtexts.AllwerefromMitch,exceptone:fromKevin.

ItwasaphotoofMitchandmetakenearlythismorningwhilewewereinthewater

holdinghands.

Myheartsank,andIcoveredmymouthwithmyhandinshock.Themessageunderit

wassimply:Howcouldyoudothistous?

Therewerenofurthertextsorcallsfromhim.Ifhehadtakenthisphoto,thatmeant

hewasinVirginia.Iwonderedwhatelsehehadseen.Beforemymindcouldattemptto
computeitallfurther,thephonerang.

ItwasMitch.
“Mitch?Kevin…he—”
“Heknows.”
Iwasspeedtalking.“Ijustgotin.Myphonehaddied.Hesentmeapic—”
“Trytocalmdown.Listentome,Skylar.Hecametothebeachhouse.”
“What?”
“Rightafteryouleft,therewasaknockatthedoor.IopeneditbecauseIthoughtyou

hadcomeback.Itwashim,andhepunchedme.”

No.
“Areyouokay?”
“Ihaveaslightblackeye,butI’mfine.Hetriedtohitmeasecondtime,butItackled

himandlockedhishands.I’mstrongerthanheis.Ijusthadn’tseenthatfirstpunchcoming.”

“Whereishenow?Whereareyou?”
“I’mguessinghe’sonaflightbacktoNewJersey.I’mdrivinghome.Igotalatestart

becausehewasinterrogatingmeforawhile.He’samess,butIcan’tblamehim.”

“Whatdidyousaytohim?”
“Itoldhimthetruthabouthowwereconnectedandthatwewereinlove.Idon’t

remembereverydetailofwhatIsaid,butbasically,heaccusedmeofmanipulatingyou.He
remindedmeofhowmessedupyouwerewhenhemetyou.Hesaidifyouwerestupid
enoughtogobacktomeafterallthat,thenwedeservedeachother.”

“DidhesayhowlonghehadbeeninVirginia?Howmuchhesaw?”
“Itsoundedlikehecaughtanearlyflightdowntherethismorning.Idon’tthinkhe

wastherelastnight.HesaidhecheckedyourlaptopandfoundtheemailIsentyoubefore
thetrip.Whenhesawmynameonit,hefigureditout.Ithinkhewaswaitingforyoutoleave
fortheairport,sohecouldfuckmeupmantomanwithoutyouhavingtowitnessit.”

Ibangedmyheadagainstthebackoftheseatandclosedmyeyes.“Hemusthave

snoopedaroundafterIwashesitanttotellhimIlovedhimonthephonelastnight.”

“Eitherway,heknowseverythingnow.I’msosorrythishappened,butIwantyou

awayfromthathouse.”

“Helockedmeout,butIneedtowaithereandfacehimtonight.”
“Idon’twantyoudoingthatalone.”
“Hewon’thurtme.”
“Hefuckinghitmewithoutthinkingtwice.Ifheeverlaidahandonyou,I’dnever

forgivemyself.”

“Hewouldn’thitme.I’mprettysurehe’sneverpunchedanyonebeforeyouinhis

entirelife.It’snotinhisnature.”

“Iwon’tbethereforafewhours.Ifhegetstherebeforemeandyouinsistonthis,you

needtochargeyourphoneandcallthepoliceifhesomuchastouchesyou.Doyou
understand?”

“Don’tworry.”
AfterIhungupwithMitch,Idrovebacktothehouseandparkedoutfront.Thesun

setintodarknessandaftertwohours,stillnosignofKevin.Hehadn’tansweredhisphone,
sotherewasnochoicebuttocontinuewaiting.Ididn’thaveanythingtoeatordrink,butmy
appetitewasnonexistentregardless.

Around11:30,blindingheadlightsapproachedfrombehindmycar.Kevinpulledinto

thegarageandimmediatelyclosedtheelectricdoor.Iknewhemusthaveseenmeparkedout
front.

Mymouthwasdry,andIfeltlikeIwasgoingtopeemypantsasIapproachedthe

frontdoorandknocked.Hewouldn’tanswer.Istartedtobangonituntilmyknuckleshurt
andfinallyyelled,“Kevin,letmein!”asateardropfell.Ihatedmyselfforhurtinghim.

Hestillwouldn’tcometothedoor.Iheardawindowopenonthesecondfloorand

thenitstartedrainingclothes.Kevinwasthrowingallofmybelongingsdownontothe
bushesandgrass.AsImovedtowardthewindow,oneofmyskirtsfellonmyhead.

Iscreamed,“Pleasetalktome.”
“There’snothingtosay.Iwantyouandallofyourshitgone.”

“Ididn’tmeantohurtyou.IwasgoingtotalktoyouaboutitwhenIgotback.Nothing

happenedbeforethetrip.”

Seamuswasbarkingagain.
“Ishouldletthebirdoutthewindow,too.”Iheardhimsay.
“Don’t!”
Hefinallystoppedandstuckhisheadout.Hisnostrilsflaredinanger.“Iwouldn’t

actuallydothat,Skylar.That’sthedifferencebetweenus.I’mnotacold,heartlessperson.”

AfterheseemedtohavefinishedthrowingeverylastitemIownedontothegrass,he

disappeared.Ilookedaroundinshameatmyclothingstrewnabout.WhenSeamusstopped
barkingsuddenly,thesilencewasdeafening.

MyheartbrokeforKevin.Iwasaterribleperson.
Suddenly,thefrontdoorcreakedopenslowly,andIwalkedovertoit.Kevinleaned

againstit,blockingmefromentering.Hiseyeswerered,andhisshirtwasuntucked.It
devastatedmetoseehimlookingsodisheveled.

Hisvoicewashoarse.“Didyoueverloveme?”
Listeningtocrickets,Ilookeddownathisshoesandthoughtabouthowtorespond

sensitivelytothatquestion.“IthoughtIdid.Icareaboutyousomuch.You’vebeenmyworld
forsolong.Iloveyouinmanyways,just—”

“Notthewayyoulovehim.”
Istartedtocry.“No,notinthesameway.”
Heshookhisheadandrubbedhisunshavenchin.“Ishouldhavetrustedmygut.I

knewsomethingwaswrongforaverylongtime.Ijusttriedtoignoreitandhopeditwould
getbetter.”

Ihadtheurgetosayamillionthingstotrytomakehimfeelbetterbutknewit

wouldn’tmatter.Makingexcusesforbadbehaviordoesn’tchangeit.Icheatedonhimwith
themanIlove.Lastnight,IhadsomehowjustifieditinmyownmindbecauseI’dmentally
endedthingswithKevin,vowingtotellhimassoonasIgotback.Explainingitthatway
wouldn’thelphim,though.ThiswasgoingtostingnomatterwhatIsaid,soIchosenotto
insulthimwithmyownsorryexcuse.

“Idon’twanttolookatyourfaceanymoretonight,”hesaid.“Youcantakeyourclothes

home…whereverthatisnow.I’llpackuptherestofyourthingsanddropthemoffatyour
mother’s.Pleaseleave.”

“Iunderstand.I’llgo.CanIpleasejustgetSeamus?”
Hesighedandletmein.IwalkedupthestairsandwhenIenteredtheroom,Seamus

tiltedhisheadatme.HesquawkedwhenIgrabbedhiscageandbreathableblanketbefore
carryinghimdownstairs.He’dbeenshuffledaroundsomuch,hewasprobablythinking,“not
again.”

KevinwasinthesamespotatthedoorlookingatmecoldlywhenIreturned.Iput

Seamusdownjustlongenoughtotakemydiamondoff,placingitcarefullyonthesmalltable
inthefoyer.

Itookonelastlookaroundatthehousethatneverfeltlikeahomeanddidn’tlook

back.

***

DarjeelingteawarmedmythroatasIsippeditbythewindowatmymother’shouse

andponderedwhatmylifehadbecome.

IthadbeenamonthsincethealtercationwithKevin.Wemetonetimeforcoffeeafter

that,mainlybecauseIbeggedhim.Ineededtoknowhedidn’thateme.Iwantedtoreiterate

howmuchIappreciatedouryearstogetherevenifhefeltIthrewitallaway.Hedidn’tsay
muchasIrambledonnervouslythatday.Hewasclearlystillbitterandhadclosedhimself
offtome.Iunderstood.Apartofmewouldneverforgivemyselfforhurtinghim,butthe
meetinggavemealittleclosure.Atleastwewereonspeakingterms.ThatwasmorethanI
wouldhavegivenhimhadtherolesbeenreversed.Iofferedtohelptakecareofthehouse
whileitwasstillonthemarket,buthedeclined.HemovedtoCaliforniathenextday.His
movingawayhadn’tphasedme,andthatvalidatedthefactthatI’dmadetherightchoice.

IfsomeonehadtoldmeamonthagothatI’dbelivingatmymother’shouseagain,I

wouldn’thavebelievedit.Momwasabsolutelyshockedwhenshefoundoutwhathad
happened.SheknewnothingaboutMitchbeingbackinthepictureandhadreallyloved
Kevin,probablymorethanIeverdid.Shedidn’ttrytopushguilt,butthingsweretensefor
thefirstfewdaysbackhere.

Mitchhadbeggedmetomoveinwithhim.Iwantednothingmore,butweneededto

letHenrygetusedtomebeingaroundbeforeIinvadedtheirspace.Therewasnoneedto
rushthings.LivingintheirworldwouldalsomeansomedaypossiblyfacingtheonethingI
hopedIwouldneverhaveto:Charisma.Whatifshecametovisit?SeeingherwaswhatI
dreadedthemost.Therewerealotofthingsthatscaredmebutnotenoughtolivemylife
apartfromhimanymore.

Infact,overthepastfewnights,Icouldn’tgetenoughofMitch.Ifeltlikeakidagain.

Waitingforhisnightlytextwouldmakemegiddy.AfterHenrywouldfallasleep,Mitchwould
messagemetocomeover.He’dbewaitingatthedoorway,watchingmecrossthestreet.He’d
takemeintohisarmsbeforeIevensteppedfootinside.Candleswouldbeflickeringinthe
livingroomandabottleofmyfavoritewineopened.Wewereforcedtobequietlikeacouple
ofteenagerssneakingaround.We’dmakeoutonthecouchwhilewatchingsomethingon
Netflix,andthatwouldinevitablyturnintomind-numbingsexbeforethemoviewasfinished.
Itwasthefirsttimeinourliveswecouldjustenjoyeachother.

Thisparticularafternoon,whenIgotuptoputmymuginthekitchen,Inoticeda

pieceofwhitepaperhadbeenslippedunderthedoor.

Meetusatthebasketballhoopatthree.
Itmademechuckle,realizinghewasrecreatingthefirstnoteheeverleftmewhenwe

werekids.

Mywatchshowedthetimeas2:50,soIwentbacktothewindowtowait.About2:55,

MitchandHenrycameoutside.Mitchwascarryingoneofthoseplastickids’basketball
hoops.HeplaceditdowninthemiddleoftheconcretedrivewayasHenryranaroundin
circles.Mitchwasstrugglingtogethisattention,butHenrywouldn’tstop.Finally,hegrabbed
hisson,liftedhimupintheairandplacedhiminfrontofthehoop.Hedemonstratedhowto
throwtheballin,butHenrycontinuedtobemoreinterestedinlookingdownattheground
andrunning.MitchliftedhimupagainandheldHenry’shandsaroundtheball,guidingthem
intothehoop.Whentheballwentin,MitchclappedexcitedlywhileHenrystartedjogging
aroundhimincirclesagain,completelydisinterestedinthegame.

Lookingdefeated,Mitchstoodtherewiththeballunderhisarm.Itmademyheart

hurttoseehimtryingsohard.Hewassuchagoodfather.Therewassomethingaboutthat
moment,watchinghimstandingthere,facingthechallengealone.Ireallywantedtobeapart
ofit…nottomorrow,notnextyear…buttodayandforever.Ilovedhimsomuch.

Igrabbedmyjacketandranacrossthestreet.
“Hey,you.”
Mitch’sfacebrightenedwhenhenoticedme.“Hey,you.You’rerightontime.”

Iwrappedmyarmsaroundhim,andhekissedme.
“I’vebeenwatchingyouguysforawhile.”
“Yeah…Henryismoreinterestedinchasinghisownshadowinthesunthanplaying

basketball.”

“That’sokay.Everyonehastheirthing.”
Heleanedintomewithasmolderinglook.“What’syourthing?”
“You’remything,”Isaid,grabbinghisshirt.
Hekissedmeagain,teasinglynudgingatmybottomlipslowlywithhisteethand

grunted.“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”
Helightlypushedmeaway.“Alright,getawayfromme.I’mgettinghard.”
Ilaughedashemovedtheplastichooptotheside.Henrycontinuedtorunaroundin

themiddleofapatchofsunclosertothegaragedoor.

Iwalkedovertohimandstoopeddowntohisheight.“Hi,Henry.”Hewouldn’tstopor

lookatme.

“He’sinrareformtoday,”Mitchsaid.
“Ifthat’swhathewantstodo,thenheshouldbeableto.”
Mitchpassedtheballtome.“Youwannaplay?”
“Sure.”
Hewiggledhisbrows.“Doyouremembertherulestoourgame?”
“Imadetherulestoourgame,Nichols.”
“True.”
Wetookturnsthrowingtheballintothehoop,andIwasthefirsttomiss.
“Alright,”hesaid,scratchinghischin.“Nameonethingyouloveaboutme.”
“Ican’tdothat.”
“Youhaveto.”
“Therearetoomanythingstonameone.Ilovewhatanincrediblefatheryouare.I

lovethatyouneverfullygaveuponusevenwhenIhad.Ilovehowyourfacelightsup
wheneveryouseeme.Ilovehowyouknowyourwayaroundmybodylikenooneelse.Ilo—”

Hecutmeoffwithakissandsaid,“I’veneverfeltsoluckyinmylife.”
Iwasn’tfinished.“AndIlovehowyoucrylikeababywhenyoucome.”
“Ah….youlikethat?I’vedubbedittheweepingorgasm.I’mthinkingofturningitinto

acocktail.Itcanbethesignaturedrinkatourwedding.We’llmakeuptheingredients,and
onlywe’llknowthetruemeaningbehindit.”

“Ourwedding,huh?”
“Yeah.Youokaywiththat?”
Ifeltmyeyeswatering.“Morethanokay.”
“Good.BecauseI’mneverlettingyougoagain.”
Iplayedwiththezipperonhishoodie,contemplatingwhatIwasabouttopropose.“I

thinkweshouldmoveinfirst.Howabouttoday?”

Heplantedhishandsonmyfaceandhiseyeswidenedinexcitement.“Areyou

serious?”

“Yeah.I’vedecidedtotakeyouuponyouroffer.I’mready.”
Mitchletgoofme.“Go!Grabyourshitandcomebackhere,then.Iwantyouinmy

bedtonight.”

“Ijusthaveaquestion.”
“What?”

“Doyoutakebirds?”
“Onlyoldpervertedones.”
AsIwaslaughing,myeyeswanderedtowhereHenrywasplaying.Hehadstopped

runningaroundandhadpickedupthebasketballthatrolledovertowardhim.“Checkthis
out,Mitch.”

Mitchturnedaroundtolook.
Henrywalkedovertothekid’shoopandcasuallydumpedtheballin.Mitchshookhis

head.“He’sgotamindofhisown,Iguess.”

“That’sagoodsign.”
Secondslater,hewasbacktochasinghisshadow.
Mitchtuggedatmyjacket.“Comeinside.Let’smakedinnertogether.Then,Iwantto

haveyoulaterforourcelebratorydessert.I’llhelpyoumoveinyourstufftomorrow.”

“LetmejustgoacrossthestreetandgetSeamusandsomepajamas.”
WhenIreturnedtoMitchandHenry,Ilaughedattheabsurdityofofficiallymoving

outofmymother’shousewithnothingbutacagedparrotandahandfulofclothes.

Seamusstartedflappinghiswingslikemadwhenhesawwherewewere.
“Heseemsexcited.Youthinkheremembersthisplace?”Iasked.
“Ithinkhe’slookingforwardtocrappingallovermelater.That’swhatIthink.”
Henrycameovertothecageandpeekedin.
Mitchtousledtheboy’shair.“Youseethebird,Henry?That’sabird.Hisnameis

Seamus.Say,‘Hi,bird.’”

Suddenly,HenrystartedmimickingSeamus’flapping.Itwasquiteasight,thetwoof

themflappingateachother.HenrystartedtolaughandevenlookedbackatMitchfora
reaction.

Mitchwasbeaming.“I’veneverseenhimthispumpedaboutanythingnon-electronic.”
SeamusseemedtobeencouragingHenrybyflappinghiswingsfaster.Whentheparrot

startedboppinghishead,Henryletoutabellylaughthenstartedtocopythat,too.

MitchandIsmiledateachother.
“Well,Ithinkthisbirdfinallyfoundhiscalling,”Isaid.
WhenMitchliftedthecagetobringSeamusinsidewithus,Henrysquealedinprotest.

“Buh…”

“Whatdidhejustsay?”
Mitch’seyeswereglowing.“Ithinkhe’stryingtosaybird.”Heputthecagebackdown.

“Henry,youwanttostayoutsidewiththebird?”

“Bud,”hesaid.
Igasped.“Heissayingbird!”
“Ithinkthat’shisfirstofficialword.”
Thiswasdefinitelyadaytorememberformultiplereasons.
“HolyToledo!”
MitchandIlookedatSeamusinunison.
“Mitch,hehasn’tsaidthatinyears.Thatissoweird.”
“Sonofagun.It’slikeheknowsthingsarebacktothewaytheyshouldbe.”
That’sthethingabouttruelove.Itcanrisefromtheashesbecauseatitssource,it’s

indestructible.Layerscanbestrippedawayandlost,butifyou’reluckyenoughtofindthem
againandputthembacktogether,theendresultisstrongerthanever.

ThatwasallIcouldthinkofasIstoodtherewithMitchinourbasketballcourt.After

allwe’dbeenthrough,wefoundourselvesstartingabetterlifeinexactlytheplacewhereit

allbegan.

EPILOGUE

SKYLAR

Wecouldn’thavegottenbetterweatherforaSaturdaybackyardparty.Itwaswarmbut

drywithlowhumidity.Mitchwasbusycleaningofftheoutsidetablesandsettingupa
makeshiftbarinpreparationforourguests.Janiswasbabysitting,sowecouldgeteverything
ready.

Whenthepostaldeliverytruckdroveoff,Iwalkeddowntothemailboxinmyflip-flops

andsortedthroughthestackofbillsandcouponflyers.Aninternationalenvelopewiththe
wordsairmailstampedonthefrontimmediatelycaughtmyeye.ItwasaddressedtoSkylar
Nichols.ThereturnaddresswasLondon.ThewafflesIhadjusteatenforbreakfastfeltlike
theywerecominguponme.

Nottoday.
TherewasnowayIwasgoingtoletthisruinourday.
IlookedaroundasIenteredthehouseandrantotheupstairsbathroom,shuttingthe

door.She’dbetternotbetryingtomaketroubleforus.Charismahadn’tbeenbacktothe
statesonceintheyearssinceMitchandIreunited.IneverhadtofaceherlikeIfeared.

Theenvelopeslicedthroughmyhand,causingapapercutasIrushedtoopenthe

letter.Itwashand-writtenonexpensive-lookingstationery.

DearSkylar,
IsupposeI’mthelastpersonyouwanttoreceivemailfrom.Ifullyunderstand.This

letterismoreformybenefitthanyours.

I’llgettothepoint.Certainlifecircumstancesasoflatehavecausedmetoreevaluate

myactionsovertheyears.I’mfacingahealthcrisis,andwhileIwillspareyouthedetails,
let’sjustsaywenowhavesomethingelseincommonbesidesahistorywithMitch.

I’mwritingbecauseIfeelasthoughIneedtoapologizetoyoubeforeit’stoolate.I’m

sorryforthehurtIintentionallycausedbothofyou.Myactionswereimmature,selfishand
cruel.Idon’texpectyoutoforget,becausethatislikelyimpossible.Iam,however,askingfor
yourforgiveness.

Ialsowanttothankyouforgivingmychildthetypeofmotherhedeserves.Irealize

thatIhaveallbutabandonedmyson.It’spartlybecauseIwasneverwell-suitedtobea
motherandmainly,becauseI’mfairlycertainhe’sbetteroffwithoutme.

Congratulationsonyourmarriage.Ireallydowishyouthebest.AlthoughIsuspect

youwon’tbelievethat,it’sthetruth.YouandMitchundoubtedlybelongtogetherandare
evidencethatfatewillalwaysgetthelastlaugh.Sowillkarma.I’mlivingproofofthat.

Regards,
CharismaWarner
Myeyesremainedgluedtotheletterinmyhands.Ididn’tknowwhattomakeofit.A

vaguefeelingofsadnesscaughtmeoffguard.Ididpityher.Shewouldneverknowthekind
ofjoyIexperiencedwithHenryonadailybasis,helpinghimlearnandcelebratingevery
singlestridehemakes.Moreover,helovedmeandshoweditinhisownspecialways.Iwas
theonlymotherhe’deverknown.

Ifoldedthepaper,closedmyeyesandsaidaprayer.Iftherewereanytruesignof

forgiveness,itwouldbeprayingforthewell-beingofyourworstenemy.Afterthat,I

experiencedaninner-peacethatcouldn’thavecomeatabettertime.

Mitchwouldn’tfindoutaboutthislettertoday.Ididn’twanttoupsethimbecausethis

daywastooimportanttobothofus.Itooktheenvelopeintothebedroomandtuckedit
insidemydrawer,vowingtoshowittohimtomorrow.

We’dbeenmarriednowforalmostthreeyears.AboutsixmonthsafterImovedinto

hishouse,heaskedmetositdownonenighttoamovieafterdinner.Whenhepressedplay,
whatreallyshowedupwasamontageofpicturesofusthatAngiehadtakenovertheyears.
AllofMebyJohnLegendplayedinthebackgroundoftheslideshow.

Iwasdumbfounded.Therewereshotsofjustourhandsholdingtogetherandfrom

whenwewereteenagersofMitchlookingatmeadoringlywhenhedidn’tknowhispicture
wasbeingtaken.Thelovewaswrittenalloverhisfaceevenbackthen.Therewereshotsof
himkissingmyheadwhenIwassick,promnightandtheLakeGeorgetrip.Thefive-yeargap
waspainfullyobvious,though,beforephotosthathehadtakenofustogetherwithHenry
appeared.Attheveryend,thewordsToBeContinuedpoppeduponthescreen,followedby
WillYouMarryMe?I’llneverforgetthatmomentwhenIturnedtohimandlookedintohis
eyes.Hewasfumblingandnervousashetooktheringoutofhisshirt.LikeIwouldeversay
no.

Itwasmymostcherishedmemory,secondonlytothedayImarriedtheloveofmylife

duringasmallgatheringoffamilyandfriendsfourmonthslater.WeletHenryhavehisiPad
tostaycalmduringtheceremony.Itwassupposedtobeonmute,buthefiguredouthowto
turnthevolumeoninthemiddleofthepriest’saskingifanyoneobjectedtoourunion.
HenryaskedtogotoMcDonald’s.

Todaywouldendupbeinganotherfondmemorysomeday.
Mitchappearedatthedoortoourbedroom,startlingme.“How’smybeautifulwife?”
Hewipedhisheadwithhisshirt.Staringatmyhusband’sbodynevergotold.Men

alwaysseemedtogetbetterlookingwithage,andMitchwasnoexception.Hewaslooking
especiallyyummytoday,unshavenandsportingasummertan.Hetookhisshirtoff
altogetherandthrewitontheground.

“Whatareyoudoing?”
Heunzippedhisjeansandslippedhismuscularlegsoutofthem.“Ijustcalledmy

motherandthey’renotcomingbackuntilnoon.Iaskedhertostayattheplaygroundalittle
longer.Guestsdon’tarriveuntilone.Guesswho’sfuckingyouasloudashewantswhilewe
havethehousetoourselvesforthefirsttimeinmonths?”Hepressedhissolidchestagainst
mybreastsandliftedmyshirtovermyheadashesaid,“Myappetiteforyouisoffthecharts
today.I’vebeenjonesingthissincethesecondIwokeupthismorning.Icouldn’tconcentrate
outsidejustnowbecauseitwasallIcouldthinkabout.”

“You’reinsatiable,youknowthat?”
Hesuckedonmyneckandspokeintomyskin.“Iwasgonnashowerfirst,butIcan’t

wait.Ihopeyoudon’tmindmedirty.”

“WoulditmatterifIdid?”
“Hellno.”
“YouknowIlikeyoudirtyanyway.”
Heplantedsoftkissesonmybreaststhenbentdownandkissedmystomach.Hestood

up,andhiscocktwitchedwhenherubbeditagainstme.

“Shit,Skylar.Feelthis,howhardIam.”
Ireachedintohisboxers.Hisdickwashotandthrobbinginmyhand.
Icouldalwaystellwhatkindofasexualmoodhewasinbythelookinhiseyes.

Sometimes,he’dwantmetodirect,butthiswasn’tgoingtobeoneofthosedays.Thistime,
hewouldtakewhathewanted.

Iwhisperedinhisearandslowlystrokedhim.“Whatdoyouwant,baby?”
“Iwantyoutosuckmycock.”
Yup.Iwasright.
Ikneeledandflickedmytongueoverthethinlineofhaironhisstomachleadinginto

hisshorts.Itookhimintomymouthandstrokedhimatthebase,suckinghardtothebackof
mythroat.Hemassagedandpulledatmyhairashebenthisheadback,strugglingtocatch
hisbreath.Normally,I’dkeepgoing,butIwaseagertohavesexwithhimwhenhewasinthis
kindofamood.

Afteracoupleofminutes,Istopped.“Wheredoyouwantme?”
“YouknowwhereIwantyou.”
Mitchlaybackonthebed.Veinsprotrudedfromhiscock,whichwasasharditgotand

stickingupstraightupintheair.ItmovedatthesightofmymouthloweringdownonitasI
suckedthemoistureoffthetipslowlyonelasttime.

AfterIpositionedmyselfoverhim,hemoanedashesankintome.Hegrabbedmyhips

andslidmybodyrhythmicallyoverhim.“Thisisheaven.I’msodeepinthere,”hesaid.“You
feelincredibleatthisangle.”

“Iloveitlikethis,too,”Isaidasmyassrubbedagainsthisballs.
Heplacedhisroughhandsovermybreasts,squeezingthemtogether.“Fuck…thiswas

justwhatIneeded.”

Imoveddownonhimfaster.Beingontopallowedmetoseeeveryinchofhishard

body.Ilickedmylipsandcontinuedtoridehim,oglingthecutmusclesofhistattooedchest
bearingmyname.He’dthrustupward,andhissix-packwouldbecomemoreprominentashe
tightenedhisabmuscleswitheachmovementintome.Igotoffonwatchingit.Droolliterally
drippedfrommylowerlipontohim.

Hispupilsdilated,andIknewhewasveryclose.“Ilovethewayyoulookatmewhen

wefuck,”hegroaned.“Iwanttofillyouwithmycum.Now.Ican’tholdbackanymore.”

Myorgasmvibratedthroughmeinstantly.HeknewIlovedafilthymouth.Sometimes,

itonlytookonesentencetosetmeoff.“Oh,yes.Yes!”

Becausethehousewasempty,heheldnothingbackandyelledoutlouderthanhehad

beenabletoinmonths.Iwatchedhischestmoveupanddownashecamealmostviolently.

MyhaircoveredbothofourfacesasIbentdowntokisshim.Mybreastswere

plasteredagainsthissweatychest.Wehadtogetready,butapartofmewishedwecouldstay
inbedalldaylikethis.

“It’sfuckingpainful,”hesaid.
“Whatis?”
“HowmuchIloveyou.”
Irolledtothesideandwipedhiseyes.“Isthatwhyyoucry?”
“Don’tknow.Ican’tstopthembecausethesetearsaren’tderivedfrommyconscious

brain.Ihaveatheory,though.”

“Whatisit?”
“Thisisallcomingfromsomeplacedeeper,likewhenwemakelovemysoulcriestears

ofjoybecauseitcomestogetherwithitsotherhalf.”

“That’sbeautiful.”Ikissedhisshoulder.“Oritcouldjustbereallygoodsex.”
Mitchstartedtotickleme,andwewentforanotherroundbeforeheadingintothe

bathroom.

***

MITCH

Thecharcoalfromthegrillfilledtheairoutback.Peoplewouldbearrivinganyminute.

AsIdumpedbagsoficeintothetwocoolers,alittlevoicecameupfrombehindme.

“We’reback,Daddy.”
Thatsoundalwaystuggedatmyheartstrings.I’dnevergetsickofbeingcalledthat

name.

MymotherhadjustarrivedatthehousewiththekidsabouttenminutesafterSkylar

andItookourshower.Itwasgoodtiming.

IliftedLaraupintheair.“How’smylittlegirl?Didyouhaveagoodtimeatthepark?”
“GrammyboughtussomeFunDip.”
Ilookedatmymother.“Grammy,that’llrottheirteeth.”
Henryhadredpowderalloverhischeeks.
Mymothershruggedhershoulders.“It’sLara’sspecialday.Itoldhershecouldpick

onethingatthedrugstore,andthatwaswhatshewanted.Shegotsomeforhim,too.”

Iputmydaughterdown.“Isupposewecanmakeanexceptionfortoday.”
Shegiggled,exposinghermissingfronttoothandlickedthewhitestickbeforedunking

itintothebluepowderagain.

Today,wewerecelebratingthefactthatouradoptionofLarawasofficiallymadefinal

yesterday.Shehadreallyfeltlikeoursforawhile,though.Nowfive,she’dbeenlivingwithus
foroverayear.

SkylarandIhadvisitedanadoptionagencyaboutayearandahalfago,lookingto

adoptanewborn,buttheytoldustherewouldbealongwaitinglist.Wewerewillingtobe
patient,butthentheymentionedalittlegirlwhohadbeeninfostercaresinceshewasone
andneededahome.Shewasonlythreeandahalfatthetimeandworeherhairintwolittle
braids.WhenIsawher,Ijustknewshewasmydaughter.IneverthoughtI’dbelucky
enoughtofallinlovewithtwogirlsinbraidsoverthecourseofmylife.Ithappenedwith
Lara,anditwasinstant.ShealmostlookedlikelittleSkylar,too,withherreddishbrownhair
andafewfrecklesonherface.

LarawassuchagoodlittlesistertoHenryandevenexplainedhisautisminherown

cutewaytopeoplewhowouldstareatusinpublic.She’dsay,“He’snotbeingbad.He’sjust
mybrotherandhasautism.Youshouldlookituponthecomputer.”Itwasarelieftoknow
thatHenrywouldhaveabigsistertolookafterhimsomedaywhenIcouldn’t.

“Daddy,willyouchaseme?”
“Justletmethrowthesesteakson,andthenwe’llplayoneroundoftag.”Shestayed

hangingontomyleguntilIfinishedplacingtherawmeatdown.Ilookedatherlittlehands
wrappedaroundmykneeandsmiledatherbigeyeslookingupatme.

AsIchasedheraroundtheyard,ourguestsstartedtopourinthroughthefence.Afew

ofSkylar’sfriendsfromhervolunteergigatthehospitalshowedupatthesametimeas
DaveyandZenaandtheirbabydaughter,Dena.Then,someneighborsstartedtricklingin
holdingfoodanddrinkitems.

Skylar’smotherwasnexttoarrive,followedbyJakeandNinawhohadcomeallthe

wayfromBoston.

Skylarhadmadeaboutsixdifferentsidedishesandstartedputtingallthefoodouton

thebuffettable.HenrywalkeduptoherrequestingsomethingonhisiPad.Shedidn’tknowI
waswatchingherasshestoppedeverythingtolifthimupandkisshimonthenose.Henry

hadn’tchangedorimproveddramaticallyovertheyears.Hisspeechstillwasn’tdevelopingas
we’dhoped,buthedidhavetwowords:birdandmama.Myson,whoatonetimewas
indirectlythecatalystfortearingusapart,hadbecomeoursonandpartofthegluethatput
usbacktogether.Iwasaprimeexampleofhowonesmalldecisioncanshapeanentirelife.
Sometimes,ifyou’relucky,thebiggesthardshipcanleadtoyourgreatestblessing.Itjust
takestimetoseethatGodworksinmysteriousways.

Jakecameupbehindme.“Hey,Bitch.”
Wesmackedhands“Thanksformakingthetrek,Jake.”
“Noproblem,man.Ibroughtmykaraokemachineforlater.”Hewasholdingtwo

glasses.“Wheredoyoukeepthegoodliquor?”

“That’smymakeshiftbaroverthere.Everything’sunderneath.”
“Howdoyoumakethatfruitydrinktheywerepassingaroundatyourwedding?Nina

wantsone.Itwassomeweirdassname,wasn’tit?Whatwasitcalledagain?”

“Aweepingorgasm.”
“Youmakethatshitup?”
“Yeah.It’sBlueberryvodka,Spriteandfreshraspberries.Weshouldhaveallthe

ingredients.”

“Gotit.Youwantone?”
“Whynot?”
Ilookedaroundatmyyardfullofpeople.Henrywasjumpingonthetrampolinewith

hissister.MymotherandTishclinkedtheirwineglassesinatoasttotheirgranddaughter.
Muchtoourrelief,they’drekindledtheirfriendshipafterwe’dgottenbacktogether.

Ninacameby,kissingmeonthecheekandsqueezedmyshouldersinpassing.“Great

party.Congratulations.”

I’dspottedeveryonebuther.WherewasSkylar?Ifinallycaughthergrinningatme

fromacorneroftheyardasifshe’dbeenwaitingformetonoticeher.Herhairblewinthe
gentlebreezeand,asalways,she’drenderedmebreathless.Welookedateachother,andmy
heartfilledwithpurejoy,eternallygratefulathowmylifehadfallenintoplace.

Shewalkedovertomeandplacedherhandsaroundmyneck.Everyoneelseseemedto

fadeintothebackground.

Irestedmyforeheadonhers.“Thankyou.”
“Forwhat?”sheasked.
“Forgivingmesomethinghappytothinkabouteverysingledayofmylife.”
Jakecamebywithtwodrinks.“Ifriggin’rockatthisbartendingshit.Tastethese.”
“Isthataweepingorgasm?”sheasked.
Henodded.“Yourhusbandtoldmehowtomakeit.”
JakehandedonetomeandthentoSkylar.
Shewaveditaway.“Thanks,butI’mgonnasticktosodatonight.”
“Okay.”HelookedovertowhereNinawaschattingwithaneighbor.“Moreformy

littlelushovertherethen.”

Whenheleft,IplacedmyhandoverSkylar’sstomach,andshelookedupatmeand

smiled.Theysaythesethingshappenwhenyou’renottrying,whenyouleastexpectit.No
oneknewthesecretwewerekeepingjustbetweenus.Itwastooearlyandriskytosay
anything.Thedoctorshadalwaystoldusitwouldbedifficult—alongshoteven—butclearly,
itwasn’timpossible.Miraclesdohappen,andwewouldwaitmonthbymonthwithbated
breath,hopingandprayingforthechancetomeetours.

Jaketappedthemic.“Isthisthingon?Hello?”

SkylarandIlookedup.
“I’mgonnastarttheevening’sentertainmentoffwithaslowsong.It’sanoldiebut

goodie.”Hepointedthemicrophoneatmeandwinked.“Bitch,thisone’sforyou.”

Ninacoveredherfacethenmouthed,“I’msorry.”
IttookmeafewminutestorealizethatthesongwasanoldRoyOrbisontunecalled

Crying.

Myheadturnedslowlytowardaguilty-lookingSkylar.“YoutoldNina…”
Hercomplexiontransformedintoabrightshadeofpink.“Iwasdrunkonce…atmy

bacheloretteparty,Ithink.Itslippedout.Shemusthavetoldhim.”

IgaveJakethefinger,andhestumbledoverthelyricsinlaughter.
Igrabbedher.“Youlittleshit.You’reluckyIloveyou.”Ifyoucan’tbeat‘em,join‘em.

“Let’sdance.”

WeslowlyrockedbackandforthtothesurprisinglygoodsoundofJake’scrooning.I

wasovercomewithemotionasIpeeredintohereyesandsawmyentireworldstaringbackat
me:mypast,mypresentandmyfuture.

MySkylar.

ALSOAVAILABLEfromPenelopeWard:

AnAmazon#1BestsellerinRomance

JAKEUNDONE

NinaKennedywasalive…butnotliving…untilshemethim.
Planes,trains,heights…younameit,Ninawasafraidofitandledashelteredliferuled

byirrationalfearsandphobias.WhenshemovestoBrooklynfornursingschool,thatlifeis
turnedupsidedown,asshedevelopsanintensebutunwantedattractiontohergorgeous
roommate,who’spierced,tattooedandjusthappenstobethesmartestpersonshe’severmet.

BehindJakeGreen’sroughexterioranddevilishsmile,liesaheartofgold.Hemakesit

hismissiontochangeNina’soutlookonlife.Whenheagreestotutorher,theyforgeabet
andthestakesarehighasJakeforcesNinatofaceherdemons.Hejustwasn’texpectingto
fallhardforherintheprocess.

WhatNinadoesn’trealize,isthatJakehasbeenlivinghisownprivatehell.Oncehe

dropsabombshell,willtheirlovesurviveit?

ToldintwopartsfrombothNinaandJake’spointsofview,JakeUndoneisa

standalonestoryandacompaniontothenovel,Gemini.

GEMINI

AnAmazonBestseller

DinerwaitressAllisonAbrahamhadnoideahermundanelifewasaboutto

dramaticallychangethedaysheservesadevastatinglyhandsomecustomer.

Allisonisimmediatelycaptivatedbythemysteriousmanwhostaredthroughhersoul

withhiselectricblueeyes.Afterheabruptlyleavestherestaurant,shecan’tgethimoutof
herhead.

Shehasnoideathathehadactuallycomeonamissiontofindher.
CedricCallahanwasn’texpectingtofallinloveatfirstsightwiththeprettywaitress

he’dsetouttofind.Infact,shewasthelastwomanonEarthheshouldbehavingfeelingsfor.
Buthisselfishhearthadotherplans.Feelingcompelledtoknowherbeforerevealinghimself,
hemakesherbelievetheirmeetingsarecoincidental.

Afterapassionateromanceignites,Cedric’sliesandsecretsarefinallyrevealed,

changingbothoftheirlivesforever.

AVAILABLEINEARLY2015:

JAKEUNDERSTOOD

FromtheauthoroftheAmazon#1BestsellingRomance,JakeUndone,comesafull-

lengthcompanionnovel.

Adifferentsidetothestory:Jake’sside.
“We’regettinganewroommate,”theysaid.
Ithoughtnothingofit…untilshewalkedinthedoor.Herhandtrembledinmineas

shelookedatmewithfearfuleyes.Myentireworldspunonitsaxis.

Nina…
Itwasamismatchmadeinheaven:innocentgirlfromthebooniesmovesinwith

tattooed,pierced,badboyengineer.

Icameupwithabet,aplantotutorherinmathandcoachherthroughherphobias.

WhatIwasn’tbettingonwasbecomingaddictedtoher.

ButIwaslivingadoublelifeonweekends,andonceshefoundoutaboutit,she’dbe

gone.

Ihadtoprotectmyselfandthatmeantonething:Icouldn’tfallinlove.
**InJakeUnderstood,pivotalscenesfromJakeUndoneareretoldfromJake’spointof

view,combinedwithall-newmaterialthatwillgivereadersanever-before-seenglimpseinto
Jake’spast,presentandfuture.Itcanstandalonebutifbothbooksareread,shouldfollow
JakeUndone.

Containsgraphicsexualcontentandharshlanguage.Itisonlyappropriateforadult

readersage18+.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Firstandforemost,thankyoutomylovingparentsforcontinuingtosupportmeevery

dayineveryway.

Tomyhusband,whoputsupwithalotofcrapsoIcanliveoutthisnewdream…thank

youforyourloveandpatience.

ToAllison,whoalwaysbelievedinmebackwhenallofthiswassimplyabouttelling

storiesandtoHarpo,myagentinheaven:loveyouboth.

Tomyeditor,KimYork,thankyouforyourundividedattentionchapterbychapterand

foryourinvaluablefacebookchats.

Tomybesties:Angela,TarahandSonia…loveyouallsomuch!
Toallthebloggerswhohelpandsupportme:youarethereasonformysuccess.I’m

afraidtolisteveryoneherebecauseIwillundoubtedlyforgetsomeoneunintentionally.You
knowwhoyouareanddonothesitatetocontactmeifIcanreturnthefavor.

ToPenelope’sPeeps,myfacebookfangroup:Iadoreyou!
ToDonnaSoluriofSoluriPublicRelationswhoorganizedmybookblitzandwho

alwaysdishesoutsoundadvice:Thankyou!

ToHettyRasmussen:foryoursupportandforbeingmyawesomeBookBash

assistant!

Tomyreaders:nothingmakesmehappierthanknowingI’veprovidedyouwithan

escapefromthedailystressesoflife.ThatsameescapewaswhyIstartedwriting.Thereisno
greaterjoyinthisbusinessthantohearfromyoudirectlyandtoknowthatsomethingI
wrotetouchedyouinsomeway.

Totheautismmoms(anddads):yourock!
Lastbutnotleast,tomydaughterandson:Mommylovesyou.Youaremymotivation

andinspiration!

ABOUTTHEAUTHOR

PenelopeWardisaUSATodayBestsellingauthorandanAmazon#1Bestselling

authorinRomance.ShegrewupinBostonwithfiveolderbrothersandspentmostofher
twentiesasatelevisionnewsanchor,beforeswitchingtoamorefamily-friendlycareer.
Penelopelivesforreadingbooksinthenewadultgenre,coffeeandhangingoutwithher
friendsandfamilyonweekends.
Sheistheproudmotherofabeautiful10-year-oldgirlwithautism(theinspirationforthe
characterCallieinGemini)andan8-year-oldboy,bothofwhomarethelightsofherlife.
Penelope,herhusbandandkidsresideinRhodeIsland.
SheisalsotheauthorofJakeUndone,GeminiandtheupcomingJakeUnderstooddueoutin
early2015.

ContactPenelopeat:

penelopewardauthor@gmail.com

onTwitter

@PenelopeAuthororonFacebookonthe

PenelopeWardAuthorpage.

Guaranteeyounevermissbooknewsbysubscribingto
Penelope’sblogpostsatthebottomofthepagehere:

www.penelopewardauthor.com

orsimplyemail

Penelopeatthegmailaddressabovewiththesubjectline
“newsletter”tobeadded.

Document Outline

CONTENTS
CHAPTER 1 MITCH
CHAPTER 2 SKYLAR
CHAPTER 3 SKYLAR
CHAPTER 4 MITCH
CHAPTER 5 SKYLAR
CHAPTER 6 MITCH
CHAPTER 7 SKYLAR
CHAPTER 8 MITCH
CHAPTER 9 SKYLAR
CHAPTER 10 MITCH
CHAPTER 11 SKYLAR
CHAPTER 12 MITCH
CHAPTER 13 SKYLAR
CHAPTER 14 MITCH
CHAPTER 15 SKYLAR
CHAPTER 16 MITCH
CHAPTER 17 SKYLAR
CHAPTER 18 MITCH
CHAPTER 19 CHARISMA
CHAPTER 20 SKYLAR
CHAPTER 21 MITCH
CHAPTER 22 SKYLAR
CHAPTER 23 MITCH
CHAPTER 24 SKYLAR
CHAPTER 25 MITCH
CHAPTER 26 SKYLAR
CHAPTER 27 MITCH
CHAPTER 28 SKYLAR
CHAPTER 29 MITCH
CHAPTER 30 SKYLAR
EPILOGUE SKYLAR

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