A C-141-A Starlifter had been delayed for take-off for over an hour at Thule Air Force Base, Greenland, because a sewage repository had not been pumped out.
Finally a young airman wanders up to the aircraft with the approprirate equipment. The airman fiddles around for a while, does his thing, and then gets ready to leave.
The aircraft commander, a young captain, confronts the airman. "You've caused me to be two hours late for my take-off. I'll see that you are not only reprimanded, but punished as well! "
At that the young airman, smiles. "Sir, with all due respect, I have no stripes, I'm stationed at Thule, Greenland, it's 20 degrees below zero, and I'm pumping s#!+ from your aircraft. Just what kind of punishment did you have in mind? "
EP-3's Real Mission
WASHINGTON (AP) -- Sources inside the Pentagon revealed today that the Navy EP-3 was not on a surveillance mission but instead was flying an emergency supply mission. Chinese aircraft were actually escorting the EP-3 into Chinese airspace when the accident occurred. The EP-3 was tasked to pickup an emergency supply of black berets ordered by Chief of Staff of the Army General Eric K. Shinseki. The EP-3 was in-flight to a Chinese military run beret factory when the incident occured. The black berets have been in short supply since the General Shinseki issued orders allowing all Army personnel to wear the black beret. So short, it has forced Army Rangers to begin wearing tan berets in lieu of the traditional black beret. Official sources will not comment on the story.
EP-3 Voice Recorder
Memo: Big Trouble
To: George W. Bush
From: National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice
Sir: Team of five experts from "Lockheed Martin" (i.e., three Lockheed Martin, two CIA), arrived Hainan Island to inspect EP-3E surveillance plane. Team managed to recover cockpit voice recorder (CVR) intact. Miracle Chinese did not find as CVR in clear sight on pilot's seat. Team played CVR. Authentic? Crew voices sound odd; possible stress related. Also mention of New York Yankees. Conclusion: authentic. Transcript follows. Safe to say we now have big problem.
Transcript of Cockpit Voice Recorder aboard EP-3E surveillance plane. Voices of pilot, Lt. Shane Osborn; co-pilot, Lt. Patrick Honeck; co-pilot, Lt. Jeffery Vignery:
OSBORN: Co-pilot Honeck, please to state where are we.
HONECK: Sir, we are fly over South China Sea.
OSBORN: Ah! So we are in violation clearly of sovereign Chinese airspace! Good for our hegemonist purposes!
VIGNERY: Go New York Yankees!
OSBORN: I will bring our illegal flight closer even much to the righteous land of People's Republic! Look you all now. I think I can see the humble domicile residence of the honorable servant of the people Jiang Zemin! We despise him for his goodness!
HONECK: Tell us, my American captain of U.S. EP-3E spy plane travelling in purposeful illegality, is it still of our secret plans to kill the noble protector of China Jiang Zemin and to show disrespect also to all righteous veterans of the People's Glorious Revolution?
OSBORN: Yes of course! We are committed to be dastardly always!
VIGNERY: Go Michael Jordan of Chicago Lakers basketball team!
HONECK: But Wang Zhi Zhi of Dallas team is much superior we concede!
VIGNERY: Yes he will break in all ways all records held by inferior American players of his sport who have not to cringe in terror ever before superior Chinese competitor of great stature Wang Zhi Zhi!
OSBORN: Holding down that chatter you members of sinister crew! See how we are foiled in our evil purposes! It arrives the magnificent and courageous Air Force of the People's Republic of China come to rain on our vile parading!
HONECK: Damn their meddling valiant ways!
VIGNERY: Now are we foiled in our plot to set up offensive-minded missile defense shield for our masters in Taiwan, which is in truth part of China as we know!
HONECK: Go military-industrial complex!
OSBORN: My news is the worse for us yet, crew of foul evildoers. This pilot of this plane pursues us with such skill and vigorousness of purpose and has no intention of performing in a hot-dogging or dangerous manner and so could not possibly make error of which we will wrongly accuse him.
VIGNERY: What shall we do?
OSBORN: I am committed to fly in calculated reckless way into his path!
HONECK: Yes! We must showing reckless disregard for all in our quest take over world domination!
VIGNERY: Go Corporation of Microsoft!
OSBORN: It is done! I have destroyed the faultless aircraft of People's Republic of China and am a hegemonist hero!
HONECK: But damn the torpedoes! See how our cowardly deed has undone us! In our behaving recklessness our plane in clear violation of sovereign Chinese territory is damaged and falling from sky!
VIGNERY: If only our low of quality aircraft were strong and true as those made by the tireless workers of People's Republic of China!
OSBORN: Stop your chatterings! Now move in quick way! Destroy all records of our crimes against citizens of Chinese nation and marvelous leader Jiang Zemin!
HONECK: Also we must have plan for lying to humane and caring interrogators of extraordinary Chinese Army whom all nations should be in fear.
CREW: Yes, we must lie like Imperialist capitalist dogs! It is our nature!
OSBORN: I concur. But let us too hide the voice recorder of the cockpit so none will ever know of our criminal actions taken by us the real crew of the American illegal spying plane of which we are truly the real crew.
HONECK: Yes, this voice recorder of the cockpit is very honest and not a forgery. I the real co-pilot who is Honeck lieutenant will do this hiding now! May the world never know who is in clearly at fault guilty United States!
(tape ends)
BEIJING (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated that they are holding the United States, "fully responsible" for today's mid-air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American craft. This comes just days after a similar incident involving a U. S. spy plane.
Officials have stated that at approximately 8:25 a.m., GMT, a squadron of Chinese F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese planes downed and the blimp's electronic billboard damaged. Sources say the billboard's scrolling marquee had been advertising 7-UP soft drink, leaving the line "Up yours" in view.
A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision between his squadron, nicknamed, "Panda Rash" told China's Xinhua news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and into wingman Sum Yung Gui's F-8 jet.
"I told Yung Gui his tail was all broken. Keep it straight. Keep it straight'," said the pilot. "He just couldn't shake the American foreign-devil. The blimp then reportedly veered hard left and then right, taking out the rest of the squadron.
Pilot Chawp Suey told Xinhua the American blimp "fully responsible for the incident," repeating the language Beijing has used in the earlier incident.
China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology.
Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller-driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters, unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots.
"The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way," Suey was quoted as saying.
"The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying activities at sporting events makes us indignant," he was quoted as saying.
Chinese officials are calling for an apology from the United States and enough Goodyear tires to replace the Firestone's that experienced spontaneous combustion last year.
U. S. officials expressed regret, but would not allow an apology until the matter could be investigated further.
THE DIFFERENCE IN SERVICES PT 1
WASHINGTON - (AP) In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:
HAIRCUTS:
Marines-heads will be shaved.
Army-flat-tops for all recruits.
Navy-no haircut standard.
Air Force-complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.
TRAINING HOURS:
Marines-rise at 0500, train until 2000.
Army-rise at 0600, train until 1900.
Navy-rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch til 1300, train till 1600.
Air Force-rise at 1000, breakfast in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, training ceases at 1500.
MEALS:
Marines-Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Army-one hot meal, 2 MRE's.
Navy-3 hot meals.
Air Force-catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Childs, and Wolfgang Puck. All you can eat.
LEAVE and LIBERTY:
Marines-none.
Army-4 hours a week.
Navy-2 days a week.
Air Force-for every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.
PROTOCOL:
Marines-will address all officers as "Sir" and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e. Sgt Smith).
Army-will address all officers as "Sir", unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel Sarge.
Navy-will address all officers as Skipper, and all enlisted personnel as Chief.
Air Force-all Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with all other personnel.
DECORATIONS/AWARDS:
Marines-medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery.
Army-medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown,
fitness test passed, and bed made.
Navy-will have ships engineers make medals for them as needed.
Air Force-will be issued all medals as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers.
CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORMS:
Marines-work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.
Army-will wear it anytime, anywhere.
Navy-will not wear cammies, they do not camouflage you on a ship. Captains will make every effort to TRY to explain this to our sailors.
Air Force-will defeat the purpose of camouflage by putting blue and grey service chevrons and name tapes on them.
CAREER FIELDS:
Marines-all Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
Army-doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment.
Navy-nobody knows. Navy still trying figure out what all the SMC, BNC, BSN, and all the other ratings things are.
Air Force-every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.
Official Apology Letter to China for the "Incident"
We're sorry you violated international law and arrested the crewmen of an aircraft that legally diverted into your airfield under emergency conditions caused by your pilot's actions, after being led there by one of your other pilots.
We're sorry you violated international law and boarded a state aircraft. We're sorry the world is now seeing you for the enemy of freedom, truth, and democracy that you really are. We're sorry you see yourself as a superpower when in reality you are a third world nation (the average Chinese worker earns less than $.10 a day).
We're sorry you are loosing so much face over this. We're sorry that you were able to steal some missile and nuclear secrets from us. We're sorry you haven't learned from the Soviet Union's collapse and failed to embrace democracy and capitalism (compare tiny Taiwan and mainland China; same people, same culture, but Taiwan's capitalistic economy is a powerhouse and China's economy is still mired in communism).
And most of all, we're sorry for the Chinese people who suffer its leaders' incompetence.
Yet Another Apology Letter
Dear China:
We're sorry that you don't train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our apology, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000.
We're sorry that you're front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35 year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you'd like to consider purchasing some surplus 1950s era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan. (We just replaced all theirs with shiny new F-16's)
We're sorry that you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please take note of the Copyright information printed inside the cover.)
We're sorry that you can't seem to see your part of this incident. We know that it may seem easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Consider this fact while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in the Republic of China (Taiwan).
We're especially sorry for treating you with such respect for the last 20 years. We will definitely rethink this policy and probably go back to treating you like a common, untrustworthy street gang very soon. We're very sorry for ever granting you Most-Favored-Nation trading status and supporting your entrance into the World Trade Organization. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity.
Sincerely,
The United States of America
The Pattern of U.S. Military Operations Since World War II
A Washington think tank has announced a breakthrough in the search for a pattern in US military activities since World War II that might predict what the future missions of the US will be in the post-Cold War world.
"We think they are spelling out a message," explained an unnamed spokesperson. "Just look at the places where the US has fought: Korea, Vietnam, Libya, Iraq, Iran, El Salvador, Grenada, Nicaragua and Somalia.
If you rearrange the first letters of those countries, it spells 'ELVIS _S KING.' We just need to find another 'I' country to complete the message."
Who's next, Italy, India, Ireland, Indonesia . . . ?
THE BALLAD OF THE POWER POINT RANGER
(sung to the tune of "The Green Beret")
Requests are made from day to day;
Briefings held and changes made.
Graphic slides, a must they say,
Power Point is the only way.
Computers crash and printers stall,
Overloading protocol.
Network's down and soldiers cry
Briefing's late, so heads will fly.
Pin Power Point slides upon my chest,
Full color slides, they look the best
100 slides were made that day
but only 10 made the final display.
Smiles upon the General's face
Slides were done, looked really great
Was up all night really working late,
Just to hear the General say ....
My soldier son, your slides were great,
Briefing's done, staff's up to date,
One problem son, you took too long,
So put in one more change, then go on home.
So tell my Mom I done my best,
Pin Power Point slides upon my chest
100 slides were made that day,
but only 10 made the final display.
THE DIFFERENCE IN SERVICES PT 2
Which Branch of the Service Do Your Prefer?
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his back, 15 pound. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit!"
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 pound pack on his back, 15 pound weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!"
A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 pound pack on his back, 15 pound weapon in hand, after having had a 10 mile swim to shore, a five crawl through swamps, and a 25 mile march in jungle, at night, through enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 pound pack on his back and a 15 pound weapon in each hand, after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit."
An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of shit is this?"
The British Military writes EPRs which are officer fitness reports.
The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206s"....
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
I would not breed from this Officer.
This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
Technically sound, but socially impossible.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
Source: "Jackspeak: The Pusser's Rum Guid to Royal Navy Slanguage" by Rick Jolly, 1989
Performance Reviews: How To Interpret
Some of you might like to know what supervisors are really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations they keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to university.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Needs more to do.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the arse.
WILL GO FAR: Related to management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 5 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVESThe Herc and the F-15s
A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes `round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc's deficiencies in these areas.
After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.
"Just watch," comes the quick retort.
And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level..
After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"
Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"
And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back an took a leak."
Q&A
Q: How do you know if there is an Air Force pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between an Air Force pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the planes shuts down.
Q: How many Air Force pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One...he just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
Q: How do you bury a fighter pilot?
A: You give him an enema and bury what's left in a shoe box.
The Three Pilots
Three pilots are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks.
The first pilot says, "Those are deer tracks."
The second pilot says, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third pilot says, "You're both wrong! Those are moose tracks."
The pilots were still arguing when the train hit them.
“My Wife . . . .”
A Navy Chief and an Air Force General were getting shave sin a barbershop.
As the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces, the General
shouts, "Hey, don't put that crap on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" Whereupon the Chief turns to his barber and says, "Go ahead and put it on me, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
PROMOTION: (or anything else - just get him or her away from me!).
THE DIFFERENCE IN SERVICES PT 3
Which Service has the Dumbest Officers? *
Well, in the Coast Guard the officers stay nice and dry on land, while the enlisted people head out to sea in all sorts of weather.
In the Army, the officers stand behind the troops and shout, "Attack!"
In the Navy, the officers stand on the bridge and steer the ship into action.
In the Marine Corps, the officers stand in front of the troops and shout, "Attack!"
And in the Air Force? Well, the officers go off to battle in their pretty flight suits, flying their expesnive toys, while the enlisted people head for the club for a long one.
* Or, conversely, the smartest enlisted people.
Before the Trouble Starts
A Navy man walks into a bar. Sitting himself down, he tells the bartender, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours a drink and watches as the man quickly downs it.
Putting the glass on the bar, the sailor says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours another glass and the sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first, before asking for another, again adding, ". . . before the trouble starts."
After several rounds of this the bartender says, "Look sailor, you've been in here ten minutes and you keep talking about trouble starting. Just when is this "trouble" going to start?"
The sailor looks at the bartender and says, "The trouble starts just as soon as you find out that I ain't got any money."
Defense Computer
A large defense contractor finally succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders assembled in front of the new machine and were instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They described a hypothetical situation to the computer and then asked the pivotal question, "Attack or retreat?"
The computer hummed away for an hour and then came up with the answer, "Yes."
The generals looked at each other, stupefied.
Finally one of them submitted a second request to the computer, "Yes what?"
Instantly the computer responded, "Yes, Sir!."