AFlawSoBeautiful

AloraKate

“IhearvoicesinmyheadandIlovethatit’stotallyokay.”

~AloraKate

Editor:SilviaCurry

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Allrightsreserved.

Thisisaworkoffiction.

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THANKYOU!

Totheladiesinmylife,

yourloveandsupportmeantheworldtome.

Thesearejustafew…

SilviaCurry,EllaWinters,

KimSutton,SylviaVolkmerSchneider,

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Ilovehearingfromyouandreadingyourreviews!

HappyReading!

Warning:Some pe ople mightconside rthisaDarkRomance .

Re comme nde dfor18+due tographicde tailsandlanguage .

Anote fromthe author:

Iwrote thisstoryaboutthre e ye arsago,

butitwasn’tfinal.

IknowwhyittooksolongandI’mglad

Iwaite dallthe se ye arstofinishthe irstory.

Some issue sinthisstorycanbe trigge rsforothe rs,

butthisstoryisme antto

he lppe ople he alandmove on.

Dedicatedto

SueSniderGuerra

Youaremyrock.

SolidandStrong.

Thanksforhelpingmethroughmyowndarkness

soIcouldhealandmoveon.

#IamASurvivor

Thisbookcontainsgraphiclanguage

andscenes.RatedR

Recommendedfor18+

Survivors…

IamaSurvivor.Withabigol’capitalS.WhythebigS?

BecausebeingaSurvivorrequirestheacknowledgmentofsomethingstrongerthanjustanameordescription.It’snotwhoIamtotally,butabigportionofmyheart,souland

body.

ShaniKenny2015

#IAmASurvivor

Asurvivorisn’tjustalabel.Itisapersonalitytrait.Itisfightorflight.Itisthetinyspark,

thewilltomovetowardsthelightofthenewday,nomatterhowmuchdarknesssurroundsyou.

Oneday,you’llfindyourlight.

SilviaCurry

#IAmASurvivor

Survivingisn’tjustonemomentoroneepisode,ithappensinlayers.Beingasurvivordefinesstrength,itispassion,loveforoneself,ourcompassforwhatdirectionwearein

andthegroundsusinthischaoticworldwelivein.Beingasurvivorisaverypersonaljourneythatconnectsusall,nomatterthecircumstances.

SueSniderGuerra

#IAmASurvivor

Iamstronger,strongerthanstrong.Strongerthanthementalandphysicalpainandscars.Iamasurvivorandwillneverbeashamedofwhathastriedtohurtme.

CarriePacini2016

#IAmASurvivor

I'maSurvivor,becauseIfoughtwiththehelpfromanamazinggroupofwomen.I'mstillfightingtobefreefrommydemonsdaily.I'mgoingtosurvivethis.

ChloeM eyer

#IAmASurvivor

AFlawSoBeautiful

AloraKate

Chapter1-Lincoln

Stalkingsomeoneiswrong.

It’sinappropriate.

It’sdishonest.

Above all, it’s illegal. I know all of this; yet, I continue my ritual of stalking, every week, on

Monday.

OrmaybeIwasjustaverygoodwatcher?Ihadagoodeyeandpaidattentiontodetail.OnceIsaw

orreadsomething,itwasstoredinmymemoryandIcouldrecalliteasily.That’swhyIalwaysgotA’sin

schoolandendeduptorturingmanyofmyclassmates,alongwithmylittlesister.

It’s just who I was, and whether someone considered what I was doing, stalking or watching, I

hadn’t stopped. I’m here every Monday morning, standing in my doorway just to see her. Just to spend

thosefewsecondswithher.

There was something about this girl that called to me,andIwantedtoknowmoreabouther.I

neededtoknowwhyIcouldn’tstopmyselffrombeinginthishallwayeveryMondaymorning.

Maybeitwasbecausesheignoredme?

MaybeitwasbecauseIlikedachallenge?

Ormaybeitwasbecauseherasslookedgoodinherjeans?

Yes,definitelythejeans.

Shemustnotbetooworriedaboutitbecausenocopsorthelandlordcameknockingonmydoor.I

justwantedtotalktoher,gettoknowher,maybetakeheroutforcoffee.

Besides,shehasn’teveraskedmetostop,sowhynotkeeptrying?

I was a nosy neighbor. It wasn’t healthy. My best friend, Nick, made sure he mentioned it on

numerousoccasions.

HereIwas,standinginmydoorway,onMondayNumberNine,thesamesceneplayingoutjustasit

hasforthepasteightweeks.Shelivedonedoordownandacrossthehallfromme.Ionlyknewafew

thingsabouther,noneofwhichsheshared.Itwasonlybecauseshecouldn’thidethosethingsfromme.

Hell,Istilldon’tevenknowhername.Itwasweirdhavingaone-sidedconversationwithmyself.

IthoughtaboutthepreviouseightMondaysandwhathappened.

MondayNumberOne:ItwasthefirstdayInoticedherwalkingintothebuilding.Imovedintothe

apartmentbuildingthatday.NickandIweretakinginthelastoftheboxesoutofmytruck.Iwasinthe

truckatthetime,pushinganotherboxtotheedgeofthebedwhenIlookedupandsawher.Shehadjust

turnedtogointothebuilding,soIdidn’tcatchherface.However,Ididnoticeherniceroundassthata

pairofdarkwashedjeanshuggedperfectly.Iwasanassmanandimmediatelyintrigued.Ijumpeddown

fromthetruck,grabbedtheboxquickly,andheadedinsidehopingtocatchherinthehallway.Bythetime

I got inside, she was gone, but Nick had been walking towards me. He’d not seen any woman in the

hallway.

MondayNumberTwo:IhadjustgotbackfrommymorningrunandwasunlockingmydoorwhenI

caughtsightofherwalkinginthebuilding.Shehadonlybeenafewsecondsbehindme.

Perfecttiming,right?

So,Isaid,“Hi,”asshepassedby,tryingtointroducemyselfandshecutmeoffbysaying,“I’ma

lesbian.” She never looked at me, never stopped walking, and was inside her apartment before I could

commentback.

ThistimeInoticedsheworebigblacksunglassesthatcoveredhalfofherface.Theyhadsomekind

ofdesignonthem,likefakediamondsorsomethingontheside.Herhairwasbrown,tiedupontopofher

head in a messy looking bun, and I could tell from that, that her hair was really long. Seeing her in the

whitet-shirtandjeansremindedmethatitlookedlikethesameoutfitsheworelastMonday.

Shewascarryingacouplebagsofgroceriesinonehand,andadarkpursewashangingfromthe

othershoulder.

I laughed to myself at her lesbian comment because I knew she was just blowing me off. I’m a

bounceratapopularnightclubintownandthegirlsthatIworkwithalwaystellthecustomersthatsothey

don’tbotherandhitonthemallnight.

I had seen her twice now; both on Mondays, around the same time, so I knew I’d be taking my

morning run at the same time. Maybe I could get lucky three Mondays in a row; unless of course, I got

anotherchancetotalktoherbeforenextMonday.

ButIdidnotgetanotherchancethatweek.

Monday Number Three: She had the same look on her face; not interested, cold. No smile. She

showednoreactiontoseeingmestandinginmydoorwayasifIwasn’teventhere.Isaid,“Hi,”again.

Sherepliedwith,“I’mmarried.”

Ilaughedandsaid,“Isyourwifeshylikeyou?”Iwaitedthefewsecondsittookforhertoopenher

doorandsheslippedinsidewithoutansweringme.

Ihighlydoubtshewasalesbian,letalonemarried.Isawnoring.Ialsodidn’tgetthatvibefrom

her—the married vibe, the lesbian vibe, or the married lesbian vibe. This furthered my decision and

actionsthatshewasjusttryingtoblowmeoff.

MondayNumberFour:OverthelastweekIdecidedtochangemyapproach.Maybeshedidn’tlike

peopleallupinherbusinessorlife,soIdecidedtostartsharingmyselfwithher.

IhadroughlytwentysecondsbythetimeIsawherhitthetopstepsuntilsheunlockedherdoorand

shutherselfinside.

IplannedandrehearsedwhatIwasgoingtosaytomakesureshewouldhearitall.

Heregoesnothing.

“MynameisLincoln,butmostpeoplecallmeLinc.I’mtwenty-eight,Iworkatabar,myfavorite

colorisblue,andIwasbornwithoutapinkytoeonmyrightfoot,”Irushedoutandtookanotherbreathof

air.“Ihopeyou’rehappilymarriedandyourwifetreatsyouwell!”Sheshutthedoorasmylastwordleft

mylips.

Noresponse.Noreaction.Ithoughtthepinkythingwouldforsuregethertoatleastsmileorlaugh.

Inschool,myfriendscalledmePinky.Itwasastupidnickname,butmyfriendswereassholesandstupid

mostofthetime.Ithinkthat’swhyIkeptatit.Iwantedhertoacknowledgeme.

MondayNumberFive:“I’mabounceratabar,ThursdaystoSundays.Iliketorun;no,Ilovetorun.

And read, and watch movies, and hang out with my friends. My favorite food is Mexican. I’ve been to

Hawaii once; it’s as beautiful as all the pictures you see online. My friends in school called me Pinky

becauseofmytoe,andIhatedthenickname.”

MondayNumberSix:“I’mtallifyouhaven’tnoticed,six-three,whichmakesmeespeciallyhandy

in a grocery store, or reaching the kitchen cabinets. I had a Mohawk for a year; my mom hated it and

refusedtotakeanypicturesofmeduringthatyear.Ihaveoneyoungersister;she’stwenty-twoandjust

graduatedfromcollege.Ialsohaveacollegedegree.IwashitbyacarwhenIwassevenandbrokemy

rightlegintwospots,butdon’tworry,Idon’twalkfunny.”Iwonderedifsheevenheardme,herdoor

shutbeforeIevenfinished.Imadealistofmorethingstotellheraboutmeforthefuture.

It was crazy to want to know someone who clearly did not intend to ever get to know me. You

wouldthinkafterbeingignoredforsixweeksthatI’dstoptrying,butIcouldn’t.Therewassomething

abouther.SomethingsilentandunspokenthatcalledtomeandIwasn’tabouttogiveup.

Iwonderedwhatcouldhavehappenedtomakehersoshy.

Iwonderedwhyshealwayshadonthesameclothesandcarriedthesamethreebagsofgroceries.

IwonderedwhyMondaywastheonlydayIsawherandwhywasitalwaystena.m.?

Maybeshehadtrustissues?

Afteralltheseweeks,andallthat’shappened,sheneverdidanythingtomakemestop.Shenever

asked me to stop. She didn’t fear me, and I guess that was another reason I kept waiting for her on

Mondays.

Ijustwantedtoknowhername.

Hell,justtohearhervoiceagainwouldbenice.I’devensettleforawaveoraheadnod.Other

than“I’malesbianandI’mmarried,”shehasn’tspokentome.

MondayNumberSeven:“Ifellinlovewithmyhighschoolsweetheart;ourfirstyearincollegeI

caught her cheating on me with my best friend, who is no longer my best friend. Nick’s my best friend

now,myboss,heofferedmeajobandImovedherefromGainsvillealmosttwomonthsago.Ilikeliving

here,especiallythepeople,whoaresonicetome.”

Shepaused.

Shehadunlockedherdoor,openedit,andthenpausedbeforeshesteppedinside.

Saysomething!Iscreamedsilentlytoher.

Hershouldersdropped,sheletoutasighandwalkedthroughherdoor.

Finally,areaction!Itwaslittle,butitwasbetterthannothing.

I’dtakeit.

MondayNumberEight:“Iconsideryoumyfriendeventhoughyoudon’ttalktome.NickthinksI’m

crazy, he teases me, but I look forward to our twenty seconds every Monday. I’ll be here every week

unlessyousayotherwiseoryoustopshowingup.”

Sheopenedthedoorandpaused.

Youcandothis.Iagainfoundmyselfencouraginghersilently.

Itdidn’twork.

Onceagain,sheseemeddefeatedandshewentinside.

Sonowit’sMondayNumberNine.

I’mstillstandinginmydoorwaywaitingforher.She’salwaysherebetweentenandten-fifteen.It’s

nowtwentyafterten.

IwonderedifIshouldworry,orifshefinallychangedherschedulesoshedidn’thavetodealwith

me.

Nick really does think I’m crazy. I can’t explain it to him or myself. I just know I need to keep

trying.Atfirst,itwasbecauseIknewshewasjustblowingmeoff,butnowIfeellikesheneededme.I

wanttoprotectherandIdon’tevenknowwhy.Idon’tevenknowifsheneedsprotecting.

IhaveitbadforagirlIdon’tevenknow.

Iheardthemaindooropen.

Afewsecondslater,herbeautyembracedmeatthetopofthesteps.

Butthistimeshewasinahurry.Shewasalmostrunning.Thiswasdifferent.

Verydifferent.Somethingwaswrong.

“Are you okay?” I asked as she rushed passed me. She fumbled with her keys because her hands

wereshakingasshetriedtoopenherdoor.

Ididsomethingdifferentforthefirsttime.Ipushedoffthedoorframeandwalkedtowardsher.

“Areyouokay?”Iaskedagainsoftly.

Shemanagedtogetherdooropenandshepaused.“Pleasedon’tcomeanycloser.”Hervoicewas

shakyjustlikeherhands.Sheappearedscaredofmelikeshe’dneverseenmebefore.Maybeevenupset.

Istoppedimmediatelyandsaid,“Iwon’tcomeanycloserifyoucanjusttellmeyou’reokay.”

“I’m fine.” It was forced, and I noticed she was staring at her hand that was gripping the door

handle.

“Okay.”

Iwasn’tgoingtopushher.Afterthelastnineweeks,Iknewshewouldneedtime.Iwasmorethan

okaywithit.Ijustwantedtomakesureshewassafe.

Sheturnedherheadslightlytothelefttolookatme.

IfeltlikeIhadwonthelottery.

My heart started racing, a familiar feeling because I’m a runner, but this was different. She still

wore the sunglasses but she was looking at me. She saw me. Being acknowledged by her settled

somethinginsideofme.Whatitsettled,Ihadnoidea,butitfeltfittingandappropriate.

Icouldn’thelpthesmilethatbrokeoutonmyface.

“MynameisAshton,”sheblurtedsofastIalmostcouldn’tunderstandher.

Istoodtheresmiling,staringatherdoorwhichwasshutwithherinsideforjustafewmoreminutes

beforegoingbacktomyapartment.

Totalstalker.

Butshetoldmehername.

Ashton.

Ilikedhername;shelookedlikeanAshton,andIwasnowconfidentIwouldseeheragainnext

Monday.

Iwentbacktomyplace,showered,andmadesurethedoorwasunlockedateleven.Nickwouldbe

hereanyminute.Forthelastthreeweeks,hestartedcomingoverateleventocheckonme.Hewantedto

makesureIhadn’tkidnappedthepoorgirlhethinksImadeupinmymind.Hehasn’tactuallytoldmethat

yet,butIknowthat’swhathe’sthinking.

Why else would he keep coming over and asking me twenty questions every Monday at eleven

a.m.?

Iheardthedooropenandclose.“Youlivetoseeanotherday,”hesaidashecameintothekitchen

andplantedhimselfonastoolattheisland.

Iwastednotime.“HernameisAshton.”

Iwassohappytoknowhername.

“Noshit?”Hesmirked.“Well,it’saboutfuckingtime.Whatisthislike,weeknineorten?”

“Nine.”

“You’vebeeninanon-relationshiplongerthanI’veeverdatedsomeone,”headmitted.

Itwasaone-sidednon-relationship.

Untiltoday.

“Fuckman,”hemuttered,shakinghishead,“Ithoughtitwasbadbefore,butthatlookonyourface

ismakingmesick.Ican’tcontinuetolookatyou.”Hecrossedhiseyes.“I’llhavetodothisshitthathurts

myeyes,orstartlookingoveryourshoulder.”

Icouldn’tnordidIwanttostopsmiling.Iwashappyandrelievedalittlebitthatallmytimeand

efforthadpaidoff.Iknewitwould.

“Somethingwaswrongwithhertoday,”ItoldNickwhoputhischininhishands,staringatme.

“Speak,I’mlistening,”hesaidinahigh-pitchedfemininevoice.“Yes,IknowI’magoodfriend.

Thebestoneyou’lleverhave.Feelfreetotellmethatasmuchasyou’dlike,butafteryoutellmewhat

happened.”Hewinkedatme.

“Don’twinkatme,pervert.”

Nickwasagoodfriend.HewastherethenightIcaughtmygirlfriendcheatingonmewithmybest

friend, William. Shortly after that, William and I were fighting and two of our buddies jumped in,

apparentlysidingwithWilliam,makingmetheoddmanout.ThatwaswhenNicksteppedintohelpme.

Hedidn’tknowme,butIhadseenhimaroundcampusandatafewparties.We’vebeenfriendseversince

thatnight.IhadnoideawhyMegancheated,andwithmybestfriendtotopitoff,becauseneitherofthem

spoke to me after that day. She broke my heart; I hurt for a long time. She wouldn’t even talk to me or

explainanything,justsaidshewassorryandwalkedaway.

“I’m waiting,” Nick pointed out, bringing me back to the present and I went on to explain what

happened.

“Something was off today. She seemed nervous. She rushed to her door, and I noticed her hands

wereshakingwhenshetriedtoopenherdoor.Istartedwalkingtowardsherandshetoldmetostop.”

“Didyou?”

“OfcourseIdid,youasshole.Shewasalreadyupset;Iwasn’tgoingtoupsethermore.Anyways,

shesaidshewasfine,blurtedouthername,thenrushedinsideherapartment.”

“Anything else different?” he asked. “Like her outfit?” Nick knows everything about our past

interactions.

“Clothes,bags,sunglasses—allthesame.”Ifinisheddrinkingmyshakeandrinsedmycupout.

“Didshehappentotakeoffhersunglassesthistime?”

“Nope.”

“Huh,”hesaidashescratchedhischinthinking.

Iwasthinkingthesamething,butIhadmadeprogress.“I’mhopingthismeansshe’llstarttalkingto

me.”

“Fuck, if you were getting laid I’d say you were pussy whipped.” I laughed it off even though he

wasright.“YouknowI’mright,”heinsisted,thoughIignoredhim.

Iwasn’twhipped.Ilikedher.Iwantedtoknowher.Iwantedtoknowwhathappenedtomakeher

thisway.Iwantedtoknowwhytodaywasdifferent.Somethinghappened.NowIwouldhavetowaita

weekuntilIsawheragain.

Itwastimetochangethesubject.“Youstillneedmetofillintomorrow?”Nickhadfiredoneofthe

bar-backsandhadn’treplacedhimyet.

“Yep.”

“Good.Icouldusetheextrahours.Mybossdoesn’tpaymeenough.”

Heslappedhishandontheisland.“Yourbossisfuckingawesome!”

Ishruggedmyshoulders.“Eh,he’sallright.”

“Dickhead.” He jumped to his feet. “Let’s go. I need a haircut.” He gets his haircut every four

weekslikeclockwork.Hegoestothesameplace,samegirl.ThefirstandonlytimeItaggedalongIknew

immediately why. She had a nice rack and Nick was a boob man. It helped she always wore low-cut

shirtsandwashedhishairpriortocuttingit.

“WhythehelldoIwanttowatchyougetahaircutagain?”

“Nowthatyouknowhernameit’sgoingtobeworse.IthoughtyouhaditbadbeforebutIcanseeit

now,you’llgetevenmoodierastheweekgoeson.You’llbemoreofanassholethanusual,andIheard

yourbossdoesn’tlikeassholes,”heteased.

Mondaysarethehardest.IttakesallmystrengthnottogetupandknockonherdoorbecauseIknow

she’shome.I’mholdingoutthatsomedayshe’llsurprisemeandknockonmydoor.

“Fine.Letmegetready.”

“ThisiswhyI’myourbestfriend!”heshoutedasIwalkedawaytogetmyshirtandshoeson.“I

knowyou,Linc.Iknowyouverywell.”

Iwalkedbackintothelivingroomwherehewaswaitingbythedoor.“Iloveyou,man,”hesaid

likehe’schokingupwithemotion.Fakeemotion.

“Fuckoff,dude,”Isaidwithasmile.

“Whatthehell,Linc?”Hefakedbeingheartbrokenandevenputhishandoverhisheart.“Youdon’t

lovemeback?”

“Getyourassoutofmyapartment.”Igrabbedmykeysandfollowedhimout.Ilookedatherdoor

whilelockingmineandhopedthatshewasokay.

NextthingIknow,anotherweekhadgoneby.TodaywasMondayNumberTen.Igotreadyformy

runandfrozewhenIgottothefrontdoor.Lyingonthefloorwasablackpost-it-notewithwhitewriting

onit.Ipickeditupandopenedit.

Itread:Pinkywasastupidnickname.

Ashton.

Shehadleftmeanote.Ofcourse,Ididn’tseeher,butthesurprisemadeadrenalinerushthroughme,

andIhadn’tevenstartedmyrunyet.

TwoMondaysinarowthegirlmademefeellikeIhadwonthelottery.Iwentandtapedthenoteto

myfridge.

Fuck,I’vegotitrealbad.Iwasn’tgoingtogiveupnow.Ismiledandheadedoutformyrun.Inless

thantwohours,I’dseeheragain.Myhopeswerehigh.

Ihadagoodfeelingabouttoday.

Chapter2-Ashton

“What did you learn about him last Monday?” Suzanne, my therapist of six years, asked before I

couldgetsettledonherbeigethree-seatercouch.

“Nothing,”Ireplied,asIpulledmyfeetupandcrossedthemundermyknees.

Shepulledherglassesoffandpeeredatme.“Washenotthere?”Sheseemedconcerned.

“Hewas.”

“Well?”sheaskedassheputherglassesonthecoffeetablebetweenus.

“Something happened last Monday,” I confessed because I’ve never once lied to her. She knew

everything,andImeaneverythingaboutmylife.

“Didyoutalktohim?”

Thiswasthetopicofourconversationsforthelasttwomonths.

“Yes.”Idecidedtolaydownandstretchout.Ilovedthiscouchbecauseitwasfairlynewbuthad

that super comfy feel to it. “Just like I did the other two times when I told him I was a lesbian and

married.”

“They don’t count,” she said. “I want to know about last Monday.” She prompted me to continue

likeshewaslisteningtosomesortofhighschooldramastory.

Itossedmyhandsupinfrustration.“Iwaslate.”Iheldmyhandsupintheairandcontinued,“The

registeratthegrocerystorefrozeandstoppedworking,andmyanxietyspiked.Istartedtofreakout.It

had taken a few minutes before it started working again, but it put my whole schedule in jeopardy. I

rushedallthewayhome,andhewasstandinginthedoorwayofhisapartmentlikehehadbeenthelast

eight weeks. This time though, he knew something was wrong.” I dropped my hands to my sides and

rolledmyheadtoSuzannewhoeagerlywaitedfortherestofmystory.“BythetimeIgottomydoor,I

sawoutofthecornerofmyeyethathewaswalkingtowardsme.Ofcourse,Ifroze.Iaskedhimnotto

comeanycloser,hopingtocontrolthepanicattackornotletitgetworse.Hestoppedpermyrequestand

askedmeagainifIwasokay.”Suzannesmiledandlookedlikeshewasgoingtocry.“ItoldhimIwas

okay, blurted out my name, and ran inside my apartment.” I rolled my head back so I could focus my

attentionontheceilingagain.“That’sit.Happynow?”

“OfcourseIam.”Shesoundedproud.“Thisisgood,Ashton.”

She’d been encouraging me to talk to him since the beginning. I figured the two comments I gave

himwouldimmediatelysendhimaway.Hedidn’tbelieveme.HewasthereeveryMonday,waitingfor

mewiththathugesmileonhisface.

“Well,Iguessyou’llbeevenhappierwhenItellyouwhatIdidthismorning.”

“I’mlistening.”

I know why I did it. I know what her reaction will be. I can predict her just as much as she can

predictmeaftersixyears.

“Iputapost-it-noteunderhisdoorthismorningonmywayhere.”Shenoddedformetocontinue.“I

wrote,‘Pinkywasastupidnickname.'”

“Iagreewiththat,”shesaidwithasmile,“butthat’sit?”

“That’sit,”Irepeated.

Hereitcomes.Getreadyforit.

“Youdidtry,andI’mproudofyou;butwhatwastheresultofwhatyoudidthismorning?”

Isighed,“Control.”

“Whycouldn’tyoujustskipthenoteandtellhimwhenyougothome?”

“IthoughtifItoldhimthat,hewouldn’tbeupset.”I’mnotsurewhyhewasupset,butitwasclear

hewasandforsomereason,Ihadtosaysomething.

“Butit’sbeenaweek?”

“Iknow.”

“Itdoesn’tmakesense,Ashton.”

Ihuffed,“Noshit.”

Icouldhearherscribblingawayonhernotepad,andIrefusedtosaythenextwords.Afterall,she

wasthetherapistandknewbest,soI’lljustwait.

“Hewasconcernedforyou,”shesaidlikeit’sperfectlynormalforsomestrangertobeconcerned

aboutme.

“Idon’tknowwhy.Hedoesn’tknowme.”

“Andwhydoesn’theknowyou,Ashton?”

ThistimeIglaredather.“Really?Youalreadyknowtheanswertothat,Suzanne.”

I’mnotabitch.Atleast,Idon’tthinkIam.Ijust…Igetfrustratedgoingoverthesameshitallthe

time.

Sheshruggedhershouldersandsmiledatme.“Tellmeagain.”

“Itookcontrol.Butinmydefense,IdidnottakeitawayandIcouldn’thelpit.”

“You’reright,youtookalittle.Alittletoomuch.Itwasn’tneeded.Youkeptallowinghimtotalkto

you.Youlethimhaveallthecontrolupuntilnow.Whythechange?”

Myfrustrationlevelwasclimbinghigh.Sheknewthereasons.Sheknewalltheanswers.Shedoes

thisshitallthetimetome.Shepushesmeandmakesmeangryandupsetallthetime.

WhythehelldoIkeepputtingmyselfthroughthisshitwithher?Ijumpedoffthecouchandstarted

pacingbehinditlikeacagedanimal.Ifeellikeit…wild,confused,scared,angry…alone.

“You know I have to be in control. I need to be in control. After I gave him my name it changed

things.Iopenedthefuckingdoor,andnowIhavenoideawhatwillhappentoday.Thenotegavemesome

controlback.Itrelaxedme.Notalot,butenoughthatIthinkIcanhandleitnow.Icancontinuetolethim

talktomeandthenI’llsliphimanoteMondaymorningsonmywayout.Nowhe’llexpectthis.Ihadto

doitthisway.”

“You’ve made so much progress over the last six years, Ashton. I’m very proud of you. You’re

brave,strong,andindependent;Iwishyoucouldhavejusttalkedtohim.Iunderstandwhyyouneedthe

control, we’ve been over it so many timesandwe’llcontinuetodealwithit,butIwantyoutopush

yourselfonthisone.Thisishappeningforareason,”shepausedandsethernotebookdown.“It’stime.”

Ihadmadeprogress.

It had taken four years before I moved out of my parents’ house and I only did it because they

passed away. My older brother manages the apartments I live in; otherwise, I’d probably be in the

psyche-wardbynow.

I’vebeenfreeforsixyears,butI’mstilltrapped.I’mtrappedinsidemyhead.I’mtrappedinsidemy

apartment.I’mtrappedinsidemyownlittleworld,andstill,Ineedcontrol.

Forsomereason,thesimplethingsinlifeareharderforme.

Ileanedagainstthetopofthecouchandtookabreath.“It’stime?”Iasked.

“If you don’t talk to him today, I’m changing your visits.” My mouth dropped open; I couldn’t

breathe.Idugmyfingersintothebackofthecouchandglaredather.“Idon’tcareifit’sonesentence.

Talktohim.Today.”

“He’sastranger!Idon’tknowhim!”

“Doeshescareyou?”sheshotback.

“No.”Hehadasenseofcalmnesstohim.Hewasalwaysrelaxedandleaningagainsthisdoorway

whenIwalkedin.Heneverhadashirtonandalwaysappearedtobesweaty.Icouldonlyseehimfora

fewsecondsuntilIlostperipheralviewofhim.

“Hasheevertriedtohurtyou?”

“No.”

“Hasheeversaidanythingtoalertyoutothefactthathewantedtohurtyou?”

“Youknowtheanswerstothesequestions,Suzanne!”Iyelledather.Idothatwhenshepushesme.I

knowshedoesitonpurposesoIdon’tfeelbad.

“Thenthinkaboutit,Ashton.Hewantstobeyourfriend.He’sreachingouttoyou.Hedoesn’tscare

younorhasheevertriedtohurtyou.I’mnotaskingyoutogointohisapartment.I’mnotaskingyoutake

yoursunglassesoffandbareyoursoultohim.Buthe’sthereeveryMondaywaitingforyou.Heshared

personalinformationwithyoubecausehewantsyoutoknowhim.Andinreturn,hewantsthesamefrom

you.I’mjustaskingthatyoutakeachanceandtalktohim.”

“I’mhavingapanicattackjustthinkingaboutit.”Itookadeepbreathinandletitout.“Ican’tdo

this.”

“Yes, you can. If you don’t have anything to tell me next Monday, I’m moving your visits,” she

threatened.

“Youwouldn’tdare!”

Sheleanedforwardinherchair.“Iwould,”shesaidcalmlywhileIwasclearlydying.

“I’lllieandtellyouIdid.”

Shelaughedatme.“Sixyears,Ashton.Iknowwhenyou’relyingbutnicetry.”

Shit!

Shewasright.

Justbreathe,Ashton.

“Hetalksforafewsecondsthenyoucantalk.It’sonesentence,Ashton.”

Ithoughtaboutitforafewseconds.Icouldjustsaysomethingbeforehegetsthechanceto.Icould

talktohimuntilIwentintomyapartment.Maybehewon’tinterruptme.Icouldcontrolitthisway.

“What’sthatlookfor?”sheasked.

“Nothing,”Isaid.“I’lldoit.I’llsaysomethingtohimtoday.ButI’mnotstoppingtochit-chat.I’ll

justtalkandwalkuntilIgettomydoor.”

“Two-wayconversation,Ashton.”

“Ofcourse.”Ismiledandwenttositbackdownonthecouch.

“Yousayhellotohim,lethimrespond,andgofromthere.Nocontrollingtheconversation.”

Damn,shewasgood.

“Idon’tknowifIcandothat.”

ThisLincolnguychangedthingsforme.IwasinasituationI’veneverbeeninbefore.

“Youcanandyouwill,”Suzannestressed.“It’stime,Ashton.Considerthisatoughlovesituation.If

Iweretrulyworriedaboutyou,thenIwouldn’tpushyou.”

“You’rethreateningme!”Itwastotallydifferent.

“You’vebeencomingtomeforsixyears.Iknoweverythingaboutyou.Iknowhowyouthink,how

yourmindworks.Thisisgood,Ashton.You’remorethanreadytohaveafriend.”

“You’remyfriend.”

“I’myourtherapist.”

“IhaveMike.”

Sherolledhereyesandpickeduphernotebook.“Mike’syourbrother,”sheremindedme.

Icrossedmyarmsovermychest.“He’smyfriend.”

“He’syourfriendbecausehe’syourbrother.Ifheweren'tyourbrother,hewouldn’tbeyourfriend.

Plus,you’veknownhimallyourlife.Lincolnisnewandcanbeyourfriend.Arealfriend.Iwantyouto

pushyourselftoexplorethisnewrelationship.Thenafteryou’vemasteredit,we’llgobacktoworkingon

yourclothes,”sheteasedmeonthelastpart.

“Ha!It’sbeensixyears.I’dgiveupifIwereyou.”

“Oh,Ashton,”sheshookherhead,“youshouldknowbynowI’dnevergiveuponyou.Ilikeyou

toomuch.”Shestood.“Time’sup.Don’tforgetyourassignment.”

IleaveherofficeeveryMondayatnineandheadtothegrocerystore.Iwalkeverywhere.Idon’t

drive.TherearetoomanythingsIcan’tcontrolwhendriving,andI’mnotevensuretheywouldapprove

metohavealicense.

Ileavethegrocerystorenolaterthanninefifty-fiveorI’mlategettinghome.Ihavetobehomeby

ten-thirtyandmostdaysI’mearly.Ihavethefoodorganizedandputawaybyeleven.Iallowmyselfan

hourtomakemylunch,eat,thencleanupaftermyself,bringingmetonoon.

At noon, I have what Suzanne calls ‘free time.' From noon until four I’m not allowed to plan

anything.Ihavestickynotesallovermyapartmentandaftertheyfalloffthewall,I’mtopickitupanddo

whateveritsays.Itgivesmepartialcontrol,andI’vebeendoingthisforthelasttwoyears,soitdoesn’t

bothermeanymore.Icanhandlethepost-it-notes.

EverydayIpartakeinmy‘freetime’activities.Inmymind,I’mgettingbetterbecauseofit.

Ihaveissues,Iknow.Ihavelivedwiththemforsixyears.BadthingshappenwhenIlosecontrolof

asituationorevent.So,whenI’mnotincontrolofcertainthings,Ifreakout,breakdown,andfeellike

I’mgoingcrazy.SometimesIpassout,butthosearetheworstofmyepisodes.

IalsohaveObsessive-CompulsiveDisorder(OCD).It’snotasbadasitusedtobe,butI’llmore

thanlikelylivewithitforever.SuzannesaidIcanbeatitbutIdon’tseethathappening,ever.I’vealready

givenuptoomuchcontrolasitis.

Icouldneverlivewhatothersthinkisanormallife.

###

TherewerenobrokenregistersatthestoretodaysoIwasontime.Itfeltgood,andItookadeep

breathbeforeIunlockedthemaindoorintotheapartmentbuildingandwalkedupthestairs.

You’reincontroltoday,Iremindedmyself.

IwouldlistentoSuzanne,butthatdoesn’tmeanIcouldn’tdowhatIplannedondoing.

AssoonasIhitthetopstep,Isawhim.Hewasalreadylookingatme,likeeveryMondayprior.I

hadtoactfastbecausehetalkstheentiretimeIwalkdownthehallway.

Iheldmyhanduptohimtopreventhimfromspeaking.Itworked.I’msureitwasarudethingtodo,

butIhadtohavecontrolrightnow.

“Hi,Lincoln,”Isaidafterheremainedquiet.

Hiseyesgrewwidewithsurpriseandhesmiled.Hewasalwayssmiling.Iwasn’tsureifheknewI

lookedathimornotbecauseIneverturnedmyhead.Ilookedathimoutofthecornerofmyeye.Theonly

oneIcanseeoutof.

“Hi,Ashton,”hesaidback.

Getitoverwith.Saysomething.Suzannewillknowyou’relying.She’llruinyourschedule.You

can’tletherruinyourschedule!

Fuck.HowthehelldoIlivewithmyself?

“Howwasyourday?”Iforcedout.IstumbledmyfootingbutIquicklycorrectedit.Itookadeep

breath and drew my shaking hand to graze the very edge of the wall as I walked forward. I needed to

groundmyselfbeforemypanictookmeaway.

“It’sbetternow,Ashton.”

Thatsoundednice.

Hewasnice.

Idon’tgetit.

Idon’twanttogetiteither.

“Okay,”IsaidaspoliteasIcould.Ipushedmykeyinthelockandtwistedittotheright.Iletout

anotherbreathasIheardthefaintclickasthedeadboltunlocked.

Don’tbeabitchtotheniceguy.

Iwishthisweren'tsohard.

IwishIcouldbenormal.

Ilookathimonlybecausehecan’tseetherealme.Noonecanseewhatmyglasseshideandthat’s

whytheyweresodark.

I glanced his way and what I said came out a lot faster than I thought it would,

“Ihopeyourfriendsstilldon’tcallyouPinky.” I slipped inside without waiting for a reply because I just

couldn’thandleanymoreconversation.Thiswasgoodenough.

IlockedthestiffdeadboltandfeltmyselfrelaxabitmoreasIslidthethreeseparatechainsinto

theirslots.Nowthateveryonewassealedout,Icouldfinallyrelax,breathe,andcontinuemydayonmy

ownterms.

Isurvivedanotherdayoutintheworld.

IhadnoideawhyIbroughtupthepinkythingagain.Itwasastupidnickname.It’snotlikeitwas

hisfaulthewasbornwithoutthetoe.Otherthanthat,hewasn’tabadlookingman.

ButIdon’tthinkaboutthingslikethat.Ican’t.Iwon’tallowmyself.

Whennoonhit,Iwentinsearchoftheblackpost-it-notethathadlostitsholdonthewall.Iswear

mybrothercomesinherewhenI’mgoneandtakesthemoffandrubsthemonhispantstomakethemnot

sticktothewallanymore.

Aclearexample,CALLYOURBROTHER,readinhishandwriting.Thiswasmyfavoriteone,and

mostofthemthatwerestucktothewallreadjustthat.

Isatonthecouchandcalledhim.Heansweredonthefirstring.“Iknewyou’dgetmynotetoday.”

Thiswasalwayshiscornygreeting.

“OfcourseIdid.Canyoucomeover?”

“Iwouldn’tmissavisitwithmyfavoritesister!”

I’mhisonlysister,butIstoppedremindinghimofthat.“I’llseeyouinafewminutesthen?”

“Twominutes.”

Ihungupandwenttothedoor.Iputmylefteyeuptothepeepholeandwatchedforhim.Ialways

dothis.Notonlybecauseit’smyonlygoodeyebutbecauseIliketheanticipationofit.Igetexcitedtosee

mybrother.It’stheonlythingIgetexcitedaboutthesedays.

Helivesonthetopfloorofthisapartmentbuildingsoitdoesn’ttakehimbutafewminutestomake

ittomydoor.He’sbeenmanagingitforfiveyears.Helovesitbecausehebasicallysetshisownhours.

Hesaysit’saneasyjobandwouldprobablylivehereforever.

He knows I stand and wait for him so he doesn’t knock on my door; instead, he listens to me

undoingthechainsandlocks.Iundidthefirstchainbuthisheadturnedandhemovedfrommyview.

Icouldn’tseehim.

Where’shegoing?

IheardmuffledvoicesbutIcouldn’tseeanyone.WhatdoIdonow?HeknowshowfuckedupIam.

HeknowsI’mstandingherelookingoutthisstupidpeephole!

Moremuffledvoices.Atleasttwominuteshavegoneby.

Shit.

Panicattack.

Whyishedoingthistome?He’smybrother;heknowsIcan’thandlethis.

TheshakeshavealreadyhitmeandItrytoputthechainbackinplace.Imisstheholethreetimes,

cursingmyselffornotbeingabletokeepittogether.

I leaned my head against the door, closed my eyes, and focused on my breathing. It’s just a few

minutes.I’mok.He’sok.Nothingiswrong.He’sjustontheothersideofthedoor.

Hewon’tleaveme.

Faintly,justunderthesoundofmyracingpulseandpoundingheart,Ihearhimpoundonthedoor.

“Ashton.Shit,I’msorry,openthedoor.”

“Issheokay?”ThemuffledvoicesoundedlikeLincoln’s.

Ohno!HadmybrotherbeentalkingtoLincoln?

Thiscan’tbehappening.

OhGod.

Mychesthurt.Icouldn’tgetairintomylungs.

“She’s fine.” I heard him tell Lincoln. “She just needs to open the door.” Three more knocks.

“Ashton. Please, open the door. I’m sorry. I should not have walked away, but I wasn’t leaving you. I

promise.Iwouldneverleaveyou.”

Lincolncouldn’tseeme.NoonecouldwhileIwasinsidemyapartment.

“You’rescaringme,Ashton,”mybrotheryelledthroughthedoor.

“Makehimleave,Mike,”Idemanded.

I looked through the peephole again and watched my brother talk to Lincoln, who I couldn’t see.

Afterafewseconds,Iwatchedmybrotherturnbackandlookrightatmethroughthepeephole.“It’sjust

menow,Ashton.Openup.”

Islidthefirstchain.

“Good.Dothenextone.”

Islidthesecondone.Iwasstillhavingamildpanicattack,butIwasbreathingbetter.Gettingmore

airnow.

Islidthethirdchain.

IunlockedthedeadboltandmybrotherhadthedooropenandIfellintohisarms.Icouldn’thold

myselfupanymore.

Istartedcrying.

Ihatedcrying.

Ihatebeingme.

“I’vegotyou,”hesaid,andIheardhimkickthedoorshut.Heleanedbackwardandfixedthelock

andthreechains.“I’msosorry.”

“I hate this, Mike. I fucking hate feeling like this.” I continued to cry, and he picked me up and

carriedmetobed.

I curled into him, and he wrapped his arms around me and let me cry. He’s always here for me.

He’sallIgot.Iknowhewouldneverleave.

“I’msorryIfreakedout.Iknewyouwouldn’tleaveme,Mike.”

“Breathe,Ashton.It’sokay.”

“Ihateit,Mike.Whycan’tImakeitstop?Itrysohard.I’vebeentrying;IswearI’mtryingbutI

can’tdoit.Itoldmyselfyouwouldn’tleave.Iknewyouwouldn’tleaveandIstillpanicked.”

Heheldmetighter.“It’llgetbetter.”

“It’sbeensixyears,Mike!Whycan’tIjustwakeupandbenormal?”

“Honey,noone’snormal.”

“Andnooneisasfuckedupasme,Mike!”

“You’renotfuckedup,Ashton.Stopsayingthat.”

Ipushedawayfromhimsohecouldseeme.“Lookatme,Mike.”

“Iam.”

Ipointedtomyrighteye.“Thisisnotnormal.”

Hegavemeasmallsmile.“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.You’rebeautiful,Ashton.”

Mybrotherisagoodguy.Whoeverendedupwithhimwouldbeoneluckywoman.

Istoodonthebedandliftedmyshirt,exposingmystomach.“Whataboutthis?Isthisalsobeautiful,

Mike?”

Hissmilequicklydied.“Putyourshirtdown,Ashton.”

“No. You can’t tell me you don’t see them. You’ve seen them all. You know where they are. You

know how ugly they are. This is who I am, Mike. I’m scarred for life. They will never go away. I’m

fuckedupontheinsidejustasmuchasIamontheoutside.”Ijumpedoffthebedandspunaroundtolook

at him again. “I haven’t looked in the mirror since I was in the hospital. Six years, Mike. I don’t even

knowwhatIlooklikeanymore.Idon’tknowiftheonegoodeyeIstillhaveisevenblue.Idon’tknowifI

havewrinklesorifpartofthescarshasevenhealed.ButIknowI’mnotbeautiful!I’llneverbebeautiful!

I’malwaysgoingtobethiswayandIhateit.Itmakesmesick,Mike!Ican’tstandmyself!”

Islumpedtothefloorandstartedcryingagain.IhatedthatMikehadtodealwithmebutIhadno

oneelsebutSuzanne,andshe’snothere.Ihaven’thadanemergencyvisitinyears.

I’msofuckedupandlostinsidemyselfI’msurprisedIcanevenfunctionatall.

Butthis,thiswasallLincoln’sfault.

Chapter3-Lincoln

When Mike asked me to leave the hallway and go back inside my apartment, I did without

hesitation.EventhoughIwantedtohelp,IknewthishadsomethingtodowithAshtonandIdidn’twantto

makeascene.MiketoldmeitwouldjustmakeitworseforAshton,butsaidhewouldstopbymyplace

later.Ihavenoideawhatwasgoingon.IfeeluselessandIhatefeelingthisway.It’sbeensevenhours,

andeveryterriblescenarioisplayinginmymindwhileIwaitforMiketoshowup.

I tried to watch TV but couldn’t sit still so I channeled that energy into cleaning my apartment. I

evengotdownonmyhandsandkneestohandwashallthefloors.Ididallmylaundryandputitaway,

and then I cleaned out my closet and put a bag of clothes together for donation. All of that still wasn’t

enoughtokeepmymindoffher.

Ican’tstopthinkingabouther.Idon’twanttostopthinkingabouther.Iwantedtobetherehelping

her.Iwantedhertoletmehelpher.

EventhoughitlookslikeI’vegotmylifetogetherandhappy,doesn’tmeanI’mperfect.Itdoesn’t

meanIhaven’tbeenthroughmyownhell.MaybeIsensedwhatshewasgoingthroughbecauseofthehell

IwentthroughwhenIwasyounger?

RunningalwayshelpsmeclearmyheadbutIdon’twanttochancemissingMikestoppingby.

WhatifallthistimeI’vebeenmakingthesituationworse?Itcouldbewhysheignoresme.Butshe

wouldjusttellmetostop,right?IwouldbeupsetifsheaskedmetostopbutIwoulddoitifitwerean

issueforher.

Now that I know Mike is not only our landlord but her brother, surely she would have told him

aboutmebynow.Hewouldhavecometomebynowifshecouldn’tdoitherself.ButwhenIhadseen

him standing at her door earlier, his reaction was nice and friendly; he smiled and asked how I liked

livinginthebuilding.Webarelyexchangedafewwordswhenhisfacelostallcolorandherushedback

andpoundedonherdoor.

Heseemedworriedanddesperateforhertoopenthedoorwhichwastheoppositeofhowheacted

notaminuteearlier.

So,whatcouldhavechangedinsuchashortamountoftimetomakehimactthatway?

Everythingcouldchangenowbecauseofme.

“Fuck.”Iranmyfingersthroughmyhairandsatonthecouch.

Whatcouldbetakingsolong?

Thefaintsoundofmycellringingfromtheotherroomdrugmeoutofmyhead.Lookingdownatthe

screen,IsawNick’snameflashbeforeIslidmyfingeracrossthescreen.

“Hey,”Isaid.

“Whatthefuckiswrongwithyounow?”heaskedlikethiswashowIalwaysansweredmyphone.

Iclenchedmyjaw.“Nothing,what’sup?”

“Shit. It’s still Monday. I still can’t believe you ditched me earlier. I knew you were gonna sit

aroundandmopeallfuckingday.”

“I’mnotfuckingmoping!SomethinghappenedwithAshton.”

“Shetalkedtoyou?”Hesoundedconcerned.“Didn’tshowup?”

“No.Imetherbrother,whoalsohappenstobemylandlord.”

“Herbrotheristhelandlord,”herepeated.“Interesting.”HesoundedjustaspuzzledasIam.

“Maybe.Now,what’sup?”Ididnotwanttotalkaboutherwithhimrightnow.

“I’llletthesubjectchangeslidebecauseIneedafavor.”

Ilaughed,“Youalwaysneedafavor.”

“That’swhathappenswhenyouhaveshitfuckingemployees.IfiredJoshtoday.”

Josh was one of our bartenders that normally worked the VIP section upstairs. “You’re always

firingsomeone.”

“Ifthey’dfollowthefuckingrulesIwouldn’thavetofirethem,”heremindedme.

Nick’skindofahardassbuthisrulesareeasy.Nostealing.Beontime.Nofreedrinksunlessit’s

someone’s birthday. And absolutely no dating your co-workers. That last rule gets broken all the time.

Peoplearesneaky,buttheyalwaysgetcaught.He’sfiredthreepeopleintheshorttimeI’vebeenthere.

“Whathappenedthistime?”Iasked.

“Josh’sdrawerwasshortaboutahundreddollarslastnight.Hehadnothingtosayaboutit,soIhad

tofirehim.”

“Shit,peoplearestupid.”

“Don’tremindme.Soanyways,IhaveMarcusfillinginforJoshwhichmeansIneedabar-back

tonightandprobablytomorrowwhileItryandredothedamnschedule.”

Marcus was a bar-back like me, but he also knew how to make drinks. He worked hard and had

beenwaitingforabartendinggigtoopen,soI’msurehe’sgoingtoworkevenharderandprovetoNick

heshouldgetpromoted.

“Whattime?”Ihopeit’slater.Idon’twanttoleaveyet.

“Mondaysareusuallyprettyslow,butVIPgotbookedwithabacheloretteparty.Theycomeinatten

soMarcuswillneedyourhelp.”

“IcandotenbutabachelorettepartyonaMonday?”

“It’sthecitylife,brother.”

We lived in Minneapolis, close to downtown where the club was. I grew up in Iowa, out in the

country,sothiswasallnewtomebutIseemedtofinallyfindmyniche.

“Soundsgood.”Hehungupjustintimebecausesomeonewasknockingatmydoor.

It’sabouttime.

Itossedthephoneasideandopenedthedoor.

“Mike,”Isaidafteropeningthedoor.

“MindifIcomein?”

Isteppedasideashewalkedin,shuttingthedoorbehindhim.“Youwantabeer?”Iofferedhim.

“Hellyes,Ineedabeer.Thanks.”

Wewentintothekitchen;IslidhimabeerashesatonthesamestoolNickhadearlierthatday.I

leaned back against the counter and opened mine. It hit the spot; maybe I should have been drinking

instead.

“Sheokay?”Iasked.

“Yesandno.”Hetookanotherdrink.“Lifehasnotbeengoodtomylittlesister.Ican’ttellyouwhat

happened, but I can try and help you understand.” I nodded. The beer took a turn for the worse in my

stomach.Ok,I’mgladIwasn’tdrinkingearlier.Miketookanotherdrink.“Shetoldmeaboutyou.”

Thatcaughtmebysurprise.“Shedid?”

“Notuntiltonight.”

That answered some of my questions. This had to be a good thing if she’s talking to her brother

aboutme.

“Look,she’smylittlesisterso,eitherway,I’dwarnyounottohurther.Butshe’sdifferent.She’s

not like other women. She’s got a lot of shit going on. Honestly, when she told me she talked to you I

didn’tbelieveher.”

“She’s only said a handful of words to me. Not sure it was truly talking but it was better than

nothing.”

“That was a huge obstacle for her to overcome. It's not something she does. There are only two

peopleshetalkstointhisworldandI’moneofthem.”

“Who-”

He cut me off. “Don’t ask. Can’t tell you. If she wants you to know she’ll tell you. Just don’t get

yourhopesup.”

“NowI’mevenmoreworried.”Ashtononlytalkstotwopeopleandoneisherbrother?Shehadto

belonely.

“Shesaidshe’sconfusedanddoesn’tunderstandwhyyou’retalkingtoher.”

Ishruggedmyshoulders.“It’skindofhardtoexplain.”

“IfIwereyou,I’dfigureitout.Ifyoucouldexplainittoheritmighthelp.”

Ireallyneedtoworkonthatthen.I’mevenmoredrawntohernow.“Icoulddothat.”

“ThenletmeinonthesecretsoIcanprotecther.”Hetookanotherdrinkofhisbeer.“She’strying.

Believeme,sheistrying.”

“SoI’llseeheronMonday?”Ihadtoknow.Ican’tgoallweeknotknowingiftodaywasthelast

timeI’dseeher.

“Shedoesn’tknowthatyet.”

Fuckthisweekisgoingtosuck.

“Andjustsoyouknow,shewon’tsleepwithyou.”

Ididnothesitatetorespond.“That’s-”

“Dude.I’vegotadick.Iknowhowitis.”

“Youdon’tknowme,”Isaidfirmly.Iunderstandhe’sprotectinghislittlesisterbutitpissesmeoff

thatheassumesI’mtryingtofuckher.“Atfirst,yesIthoughtaboutit.Ifiguredshewasjustblowingme

offbutwitheveryweekthatpassed,IknewAshtonwasdifferent.Iknownothing,butforsomereason,I

thinksheneedsme,likeasafriend.Ithinkshe’sbeautiful.Sheintriguesme.IjustfeellikeIneedtoknow

her.Iwanttobeherfriendmorethananything.Theonlythingthatmadesensetomewasthatshewasshy.

Really shy. So, I thought if I told her about myself and let her get to know me then maybe she would

eventuallystarttalkingtome.”

Mikefinishedhisbeerandthoughtforaminutebeforehespoke,“Sheisbeautiful.She’salsovery

specialtome.Ilovehermorethananythinginthisworld.Ifforsomereasonsheletsyouin,you’llneed

tobepatient.I’mnotsayingshewill,Ihighlydoubtitbecauseittookyearsformeandhertoformthe

relationshipwehavenow.Butfromwhatwetalkedabout,Ithinksheactuallywantstobeyourfriend.But

it’sastruggleforherandshehatesyouatthesametime.She’sfightinganinternalbattlewithherself.”He

shookhisheadandstood.“I’vesaidenough.”

Imightgettobefriendswithher.

“CanIaskwhathappenedearlier?”

“Panicattack.Andno,itwasn’tbecauseofyou.”Heloweredhisvoice.“Ifuckedup.”

“Idon’tknowwhattosay.”Fuck,IwishIknewwhatwasgoingon.

“Youdon’thavetosayanything.Ifeelbadenough.Anyway,she’ssleepingnow.”

Igrabbedhisemptybottleandalongwithmineandtrashedthem.“I’mgladshe’sresting.”

“Only because she took a pill.” I turned around and eyed him, only to have him chuckle like it

wasn’t a big deal. “She needs them sometimes. It’s just for sleeping. Don’t worry about it. Now, she

askedmetogiveyouamessage.”

Icouldn’thelpbutsmile.“And?”

“Pinky.”Hesalutedme.“Thanksforthebeer,man.”

“That’sit?”Iasked.

Iknowsheisn’tteasingmesoitmustbeasafetopicforher.

“Yep.Nowlisten.Inallseriousnessifyoudoanything,sayanythingtoupsetmysister,I’llhaveto

payyouavisit.Iknowyou’rebiggerthanme,butitwon’tstopmefromtrying.Youmust understand she

needstimeandevenifyoudon’tgetit,youcan’tletthatshitbotheryou.Ifshetellsyoutomoveonand

leave her alone, then that’s what you’ll do. Don’t push her. Most importantly, respect her boundaries.

Please,that’sallIask.Alotofthingstriggerherpanicattacks.”

“Iunderstand.ButyouneedtoknowI’mnotthatkindofperson.Iwouldneverdoanythingtohurt

her.Ifsheaskedmetostoptalkingtoher,Iwon’tlie,IwouldbeupsetbutIwouldstop.Iwon’tpushher.

I respect her just like I respect you for taking the time to chat with me because you didn’t have to. We

barelyknoweachother.”

“Sheaskedmeto,nowI’mdone,”hesaidwithasmile.“JustrememberwhatIsaid.”Herubbedhis

handdownhisface.“I’mbeat.Ishouldgo.”

“Thanksfortalkingtome,”Isaidwhilewalkinghimtothedoor.“Iappreciateit.”

“SorryIcouldn’ttellyoumore.Trynottoworryabouther.I’lltakecareofher.”

Ishutthedooranddecidedtogotoworkearly.Icouldn’thangouthereanymore.Shewassleeping;

Iknewshewassafe,soI’llhavetowaituntilnextMondayandseewhathappens.Thisisgoingtobethe

longestweekofmylife.

Ishowered,atesomethingfordinner,andheadedtotheclub.

It only took about fifteen minutes from the apartment to get to downtown Minneapolis where the

clubwaslocated.Itwasoneblockoffthemainstripthatranthroughdowntown.Itwasalittlesmaller

thantheotherclubsbutitwasstillverypopular.

Theemployeesallworeblackslackswithacream-coloredshirt.Thewomen’sshirtsweremoreof

ablousematerialandshortsleeved.Themen’sshirtslookedlikepoloshirtsandIfuckinghatedthem.On

thebackofthem,theyreadSTAFF.Theyweresimplebutclassyandmatchedtheinteriorthatwasdonein

blackwiththesamecreamcolorofourshirts.

Nickalwaysworeasuit.

Hedidnotbelieveinlabels.NooneheldthetitleofManager,Supervisor,orShiftLeaders.

Everyonewasequal.EventhoughI’veonlybeenhereafewmonths,itworked.I’mgladheofferedmethe

jobwhenhedid.

IhaveabusinessdegreejustlikeNick.MyfirstjoboutofcollegewasanofficeenvironmentandI

staredatacomputerallday.Ihatedthatjobforsomanyreasons,buttheworstwasthedramaandmy

coworkers.Ihadtoforcemyselfeverydaytogo.Butnow,thankstoNick,Iwashappywithmyjob.It's

easywork,notstressful,andIgetalongwitheveryone.

Iparkedinourapprovedareaandheadedinside.Theskywasclearanditwasstillwarmoutside

consideringitwasnineatnight,andIwelcometheairconditioningwhenIsteppedinsidetheclub.

Nick was already there with Jonathan who was bartending on the main floor. He looked at his

watch.“You’reearly,”hesaidasIsatononeofthebarstools.

“Hadtogetoutofthehouse.”

HelookedatJonathanandasked,“IsitstillMonday?”

Jonathanlookedathimlikehewasmissingsomething.“Forafewmorehours.”

Nickreturnedhisattentionbacktome.“I’mproudofyou,man.”

Fuck,hewasapaininmyass.“Youwantmetoleave?”

“Fuckno!Getyourasstowork.”HelookedatJonathan.“Youtoo.”

JonandIbothlaughedathimandwentourseparateways.

An hour later, twenty women dressed in floor-length gowns and tiaras graced me with their

presenceintheVIParea.ItlookedliketheywerereadyforanightattheOscarsratherthananightatour

bar.Marcuslookedoverwhelmedatthesightofthem,butIknewhecouldpullitoff.

GoodGod,helpmethroughthisnight.

Thebridetobewaseasytospot.Shewastheonlyonewearingwhite,withapinkshouldersash

that read, BRIDE TO BE. Three of the women wore pink dresses which I assumed were part of the

weddingpartyandtherestwereindifferentcolors.

WhythehelltheywerepartyingonaMondaynightmadenosensetomebutwhatever;toeachtheir

own.Ididmyjob,madesomegreattips.Noonepukedorgotoutofhandandwhenthenightwasover,I

helpedthemallbackinthelimowhenitwastimeforthemtoleave.

“Thanks,Lincoln!” I heardNick yell fromthe VIP area afterI came backinside from helping the

lastpersongetintoacab.

I leaned back and saw he was leaning against the rail on his forearms. “You owe me!” I yelled

back.Notsurewhywewereyelling.Wecouldheareachotherifwetalkedsinceitwasdeadassquietin

here.

“ThefuckIdo!”

“Jackass,”Imumbledtomyselfandwentbacktocleaningthebottlesoffthetable.

“Iheardthat!”

I didn’t reply. I wanted to get this shit done so I could go home and crawl into bed. My phone

buzzedinmypocketsoIpulleditout.Notsurewhowouldbecontactingmethisearlyinthemorning.

Itwasmymom.“What’swrong?”Ianswered.

“Well,hellotoyoutoo,Linc.”

“Mom,it'saftertwointhemorning,ofcourse,I’mgoingtothinksomething’swrong.”

“OhdaisiesLinc,relaxalittlewillya?I’mfine.I’msoexcitedIcouldn’tsleep.Ihadtocallyou.”

Idroppedthetrashbagandsatdown.“Excitedaboutwhat?”Sherecentlyjustretiredfrombeinga

schoolteacher.

“I’m going on a cruise, Linc!” she yelled into the phone. Mom was born and raised in Iowa and

neverleft.Wewerefromasmalltown,justafewmilesfromtheborderofMinnesota.Dadworkedina

lumber yard and between their two salaries, we got by. We never had money to travel or do much of

anythingelse,butwewerehappy.

“It’sabouttimeyougotoutoftown,”Iteased.

“IstaredattheconfirmationbuttonforawhilebeforeIfinallyhitit.”

“I’mhappyforyou,Mom.Youdeserveit.”

“Thanks,butguesswhatthebestpartis?”

“You’reflyingforthefirsttimeinyourlife?”

“Yes,I’mexcitedaboutthatbutthisisacruiseforsinglepeople!”

Dadpassedawayovertenyearsago.She’dknownDadsincehewasfiveandshewasfour.She

knewthenthatshe’dmarryhim.Itdidn’thappenrightaway,theyhadalotofobstaclestogetthrough,but

eventually,theyweremarried.Myfatherdyingbrokethefamilyapart,sentmedownadarktunnel,and

wehadaroughfewyears.Butmysisterpulledmeoutofthedarknessandputourfamilybacktogether.

“Ithinkyou’regoingtohaveablast,Mom.”

“Imissyou,butI’mgladyoumoved.Changeisgood.”

Ilaughedather.Shefinallyrealizesit.Betternowthannever.

“You’rerightMom,changeisgood.”

“Everythingokay,dear?”

“Yes,”Isaid.“I’mstillatworksoI’malittletired.”

“I’msorryIdisturbedyou,sweetie.GetbacktoworkandtellNickIsaidhello.I’llcatchupwith

youafterIgetback.”

“Areyousure?”Iasked.

“Yes,Linc.Getbacktowork.Loveyou.”

“Okay.Besafe,Iloveyoutoo.”

Ihungup,grabbedthebag,andwentbacktocleaningthetable.Fiveminuteslatermyphonewent

offagain.

Mysister.

Mommusthavecalledher.

“Hey,Nat.”

“Hey,Linc,”shesaidhalfasleep.“DidMomjustcallyou?”

“Yep,”Isaidwipingdownthetablewithonehand,phoneintheother.

“Goodtoknowitwasn’tjustme.”Sheyawned.“Sheseemshappy.”

“Shedoes.”

“Whatareyoudoing?Youseemdistracted.”

“I’mstillatwork,Nat.”

“Isn’titMonday?”sheaskedconfused.

Godthiswasalongfuckingday.“Technicallyit’sTuesday.”

“Smartass.WhyareyouworkingsolateonaMonday?”shemumbledintothephone.

“Therewasahugepartytonight.Theclubwaspacked.”Igrabbedthetrashoffthefloorandheaded

backtothebar.“GetsomesleepNat,andcallmetomorrow.Ifeellikewehaven’ttalkedinmonths.”

“Ah,mybigbrothermissesme!”

“Andyoudon’tmissme?”

“Alwaysbigbrother,always.Talksoon.Night.”

Shehungup,andIbustedmyasstofinishcleaningandwenthome.Ashtonwasthelastthingonmy

mindbeforeIpassedout,andIdreamtofherallnight.

Chapter4-Ashton

IwokeuponTuesdayalonelikeIalwaysdo.Myalarmwassetforninea.m.everyday.IfIwake

upbeforenine,Ilayinbeduntilitgoesoff.Ican’tletmyfeethittheflooruntilninea.m.

I’mcrazy.

LastnightafterIatedinnerwithmybrother,heencouragedmetotakeasleepingpill.Hedidthis

becauseIwasn’tcomfortablewithhimstillbeinginmyapartmentafterfourp.m.soIwashavingahard

timedealingwithhimbeingthere.Heknewhecouldonlyvisitduringmy‘freetime’andalwaysleftby

fourp.m.,exceptforyesterday;yesterdayherefusedtoleave.HesaidifIrefusedthepillhewouldtoss

meoverhisshoulderandtakemetotheemergencyroom.Itookthepill,becauseofthememoryofthe

timehedidmakegoodonthatpromisestartedtofloodmymind.IrememberedthatIdidn'ttalktohimfor

twomonthsbecauseofit.

AfterIhadtakenthepill,wewatchedmoviesandIfinallygaveinandletmyselffallasleep.

I don’t always get my way. I’m not always in control. My schedule gets messed up and things

happenbecauseyoucan’tplanforeverything.Iknowthis.Ihaveknownthismywholelife.Butit’salso

oneofthemostdifficultthingsformetorememberanddealwith.

Ican’tjustgowiththeflow.

Ican’tbespontaneous.

Imustfollowmyschedule.

SometimesIcanhandleit,othertimesIcan’t.IwishIcould,butIdon’tknowhowtograspontothe

concept.Itry,Itrysohard,butothertimesIjustgiveupandgiveintothemadnessinsidemyselfandslip

awayfromreality.

Irolledoutofbedatnineandstrippedmysheetsoffthebed.Idothiseverymorning.AfterImake

mybedwithcleansheets,Iheadtothebathroomandcontinuemydailyroutine.

It’salwaysthesame.EverydayIshower,brushmyteeth,tossmyhairupinsomekindofponytail-

slash-bundo,andtheneatbreakfast.Afterbreakfast,Ibrushmyteethagain.Iusedtotimeeachactivity,

butovertheyearsSuzannehelpedmeeaseintowhatIcallblockedtime.Igivemyselfasetnumberof

hourstocompletemultipletasks.Ifeverythingisdonewithinthatblockedtime,I’mgood.

MymorningroutineisfromninetoelevenexceptforMondaysandThursdays.Mondayisdifferent

becauseImustbeatSuzanne’sofficebyeight.ThefirsttimeImetherwasonaMondaysonowIhaveto

seeSuzanneonMondays.MyMondayshavetheirownschedulebecauseofthis,andtheyhavetobethe

sameeverytime.ThingsweredifferentinthebeginningbecauseIsawherthreetimesaweek.Eventually,

Imovedtotwodays,andnowI’mdowntoone.Thechangewasslowandtookplaceoverthecourseof

theyear,soIhandleditwell.ThursdaysaredifferentsinceIhavetomakemysecondtriptothegrocery

storeorIwouldrunoutoffoodovertheweekend.Ihavetogobetweenten-thirtyandnoon,andIcan

onlycarryhomefourbags,nevermoreorless.

LincolnhadnowinterruptedmyMondays.

He’schangedmyroutine.

It’ssuchasmallpart,veryinsignificant,butit’snotmynormal.

I’veallowedittocontinuethoughandI’mstilltryingtofigureoutwhy.

Why?

Afterlastnight’sepisode,I’maskingforanemergencyvisittodaywithSuzanne.She’saverybusy

woman,butI’mhopingforsometimewithher.Idesperatelyhopeshecanfitmeinduringmy‘freetime.’

Ihavetotalktoher.

Youcandoanythingyouwantduringyourfreetime,Iremindmyself.

Iwenttothebathroomandbrushedmyteethagain.Ihaveonemirrorinmyapartment,thebathroom

one. Before I moved in, my brother covered it for me, so it’s impossible for me to look at myself. He

didn’tremoveitbecausehethinksonedayI’llbeabletolookinthemirroragain.

Thatjustmakesmelaughtomyself.

Ican’tlookatmyself,andIdon’tthinkIeverwillagain.IclosemyeyeswhenIgetdressed.Iclose

myeyeswhenIshower.AllbecauseIdon’twanttoseemyscars.Iwon’teventouchthem.JustbecauseI

havetolivewiththescarsfortherestofmylifedoesn’tmeanIhavetolookatthemorfeelthem.

TheoneandonlytimeIlookedatmyselfwaswhenIwasstillintheMexicanhospital,sixyears

ago.IwentintothebathroomandtookmygownoffbecauseIwascurioustoseethemarkstheDevilhad

leftonmybody.

Istoodinthebathroomcompletelynaked,lookingatthemall.Itwasawfulandmademesicktomy

stomach.ThepersonIsawinthemirrorterrifiedme.Itwasn’tme.Thepersonlookingbackatmewas

hideous.SheremindedmeofFrankenstein.Ihatedher,andIneverwantedtoseeheragain.

Ihadoneoftheworstpanicattacksofmylifethatday,andIendeduppassedoutonthecoldtile

floornexttomyownvomit.Iwon’tputmyselfthroughthatagain.

Idon’teverwanttoseethatpersoninthemirror.

I passed the time and called Suzanne’s office exactly at noon. “Good afternoon, Miss Bennett’s

office, how may I help you?” Charity said and even though I can’t see her, I know she’s smiling. She’s

alwayssmiling;alwayshappy.JustlikeLincoln.

BynowI’mpacingmylivingroom.“Charity,it'sAshton.Ineedanemergencyvisittoday.Icould

leavenow,”IexplainhopingIcouldgetinrightawayandnothavetoexplainmyselffurther.She’sheard

things,I’msure,aboutallofSuzanne’spatientsbutsheneveraskedquestions.

Charitywasusedtome.She’sworkedforSuzanneforfouryearsnow,butwearenotfriends.

“She’sbookedallday,Ashton.”

I grabbed the couch to steady myself. My breath hitched, and I felt cold sweat trickle down my

forehead.“Shit.”Thiswasnotpartofmyplan.

“Areyouokay?”sheaskedsoftlyeventhoughsheshouldknowtheansweralready.

Staycalm.Don’tyellather.Suzannewillbepissed.

Idroppedmyvoice.“No,I’mnotokay.”

“Holdon,Ashton,”shesaidconcerned.“I’lltalktoSuzanne.”

Idroppedtothecouchandpulledmyfeetupandhuggedmyknees.Igratedmyfingernailbackand

forth against my knee, rougher and rougher as the seconds ticked by. I stopped, berated myself for

foolishlythinkingSuzannecouldfitmein.Ipickedatthefabricofmyjeans,thesamejeansIworeevery

day.

Ihavetwentypairsofthesamebluejeans.

Ihavefivepairsofthesameflip-flopsandtennisshoes.Theflip-flopsareblackandsupercomfy.

Thetennisshoesareblackandwhite,andlittleontheexpensivesidebecauseIwalkeverywhere.I have

twopairsofthesamewinterboots,alsoblackandwhite.

I have ten white t-shirts which I only wear on Mondays and the rest of the week, the shirts are

black.IwearwhiteonMondaysforSuzanne.Itechnicallychangedmywardrobeforher,soshegetsto

seethewhiteshirtsnowinsteadoftheblackones.Ihavetensetsofthesameexactpajamas.Theyconsist

ofablacktanktopandshorts.Thesamegoesformysocks,underwear,andbras.

Idon’tknowwhyIdoit.Itdoesn’tmakesensetome,butitfeelsright. It makes me comfortable

knowingwhatI’llwearandonwhatday.Suzannehasbeentryingforyearstohelpmewiththisissue,but

Ican’tchangeit.It’s one less thing to think about each morning. It settles something inside of me that I

can’tfight.

“Okay,Ashton.”IhearCharitysaywhenshecomesbackontheline.“ThisisSuzanne’smessage,

notmine.”ShehastoremindmethatsoIdon’tyellather.Icanbeabitchsometimes.“Shecanseeyou

fromonetoone-thirty,butinexchangeforthisvisit,youmustattendthegrouptherapytodaythatstartsat

one-thirty,afteryourpersonalsessionisdone.Shesaidtorememberthatthisisduringyourfreetimeand

youwouldbehomebeforefour.Shewantsyoutotryagain.”

“Grouptherapy!”Ihissed.

DoesSuzannenotrememberwhathappenedthefirsttime?Ionlylastedabouttenminutes.Whenit

was my turn to talk, I freaked out. I could not bring myself to sit there. It was not a controlled

environment.Itwastoomuch,toofast,andIjumpedoutofmyseatandranallthewayhome.

Batshitcrazy.

“ShealsotoldmetotellyouthatFrankwillbethere.”

Frank.He’sjustasfuckedupasIam.IknewhewasassoonasIsawhiminthehallwayoutsideof

the therapy room that day. I guess it takes one to know one. I’m not sure who’s more fucked up. I hide

behind my sunglasses; he hides behind his gloves and face mask. He can’t touch people and won’t let

peopletouchhim.Hehatessharingthesameair.He’snotafriendeventhoughwehadtalkedtoeachother

thatday;theonlythingwehaveincommonisSuzanne.

Ineededtotalktoher.Shecantaketheedgeoff,andImightjustbeabletogetthroughmyweek.

Butifgrouptherapygoesthesameaslasttime,I’mscrewed.

Buttechnically,it’smyfreetimeandIcouldleavemyapartment.

MychestachesandIremainfocusedonmybreathing.Ineedtoanswerhersoon.

Irantothekitchenandgrabbedthestackofstickynotesandapen.Iwrite,AttendGroupTherapy,

andletitfluttertothefloorsoIcanpickitup.

Icanbreathealittlebetternow.

“OkayCharity,letherknowI’llbethereatone.”

IfocusonmybreathingtheentiretimeIwalktoSuzanne’s.IremindmyselfthatI’mfree.I’malive.

I’vesufferedworseshitthangrouptherapy.

I’veimprovedalotoverthelastsixyears.Obviously,Istillhavealotofissues,butitusedtobe

worse.Wayworse.Suzannesaysshe’sproudofmeeverytimeIseeher,andthatdoeshelp.

Iarrivedontime,andSuzanneopenedherdoorexactlyatoneforme.Irushedinandtossedmyself

on her couch. I take my sunglasses off and lay them on the coffee table as soon as she shuts her office

door.

Idon’tevenlethertalk.Ionlyhavethirtyminutes,sowecan’twasteanytime.

“Ihadapanicattackyesterday;itwasaneight.Itlastedfromnoontolikeseveno’clock.Ifreaked

outonmybrother.Hestayedafterfour.Heatedinnerwithmethenforcedmetotakeafuckingsleeping

pill.Hemessedupmywholeday.Ishowedhimthescarsonmybodyandyelledathimandcried.Icried

alot.I’mamess,Suzanne.IlostcontrolandIcouldn’tgetitback.Iwasfightingforit,andItriedsohard

toshuteverythingoutandjustbeokaywithitbutIcouldn’tdoit.Igaveup.Again.Mybrotherheldme

untilthepillknockedmeout.”

“Yousurvived,again.”Irefusedtolookatheroracknowledgeherlittlesarcasticcomment.“Now,

whatdidyourbrotherdototriggerthisone?”

“Hisnamewasonthepost-it-note.Icalledhimandhesaidhewouldberightdown.YouknowI

watchforhimthroughthepeepholeandsureenough,hewastherewithinafewminutes.Iundidthefirst

chainandthenheleft.”

“Heleft?”sheaskedconfused.

“Yes.Walkedawayandoutofmyview,butIheardhimtalkingtosomeone.Iputthechainbackon

andthepanicattackinstantlyhitme.”

“Whowashetalkingto?”

“Lincoln.” I could hear her writing in her notebook. “I guess he had just come home and saw my

brother in the hallway and they started talking.” I sat up and looked at her. “I told myself he wasn’t

leavingme.Iknewhewouldn’tleaveme.Itriedtostaycalm.ButIwentfrombeinghappyandexcitedto

scaredandconfused.Toomanyemotionsranthroughmeatthesametime,Ijustcouldn’tfocus.Whenhe

realizedwhathedid,hestartedpoundingonmydooraskingmetoopenit.IaskedMiketomakeLincoln

leave before I opened the door. Besides the fact I didn’t want to see him, he’d know how fucked up I

was.”

“Ifyoudon’twanttobehisfriend,thenwhydoesitmatter?”

Thatwasthemillion-dollarquestion,andIjuststaredatherwaitingforhertoaskthenextquestion.

“Wellthen,didyoutalktoLincolnwhenyougothomeyesterday?”

Igaveherasarcasticsmile.“Yes,Suzanne;Idid.”

Shesmiledback.“Don’tstopnow.”

“Isaidhi,hesaidhi.Iaskedhowhisdaywasandhesaid,andIquote,“It’sbetternow,Ashton.””

Suzanneshotmeadisappointedlook.“Iknowitwasn’tmuchbutitwasgoodenough,right?”

“Itisanddoyouknowwhatthebestpartwas?”

IthoughtaboutitbutnotlongbecauseIhadnoidea.“No.”

“ThepanicattackwasnotbecauseofLincoln.Thisisgood.Nexttimeyoucantalktohimlonger

thanaminute.”Shesoundedsoexcited.

Iwasn’tthough.“ThepanicattackwasbecauseofLincoln.Hemademybrothermoveawayfrom

thepeephole.”

“Ifyouwanttolookatitthatway,”shesaid.Shepulledherglassesoffandsetthemonthecoffee

tablebeforesherubbedthebridgeofhernose.“Nexttime,talktohimforfiveminutes.”

Ishookmyhead.

“You’resupposedtosay,‘YesSuzanne,Iwilltalktohimlongernexttime.That’sagreatidea.’”

“Idon’tknowifIcansinceI’mbeingforcedtoattendgrouptherapy.”

Shelaughed,“Don’tchangethesubject,butyes,todayyou’regoing.”

“Youhaveawayofmakingmedowhatyouwant,soyes,it’sforcing.”

“We’llcomebacktothistopicanotherday.”

“Wenevertalkaboutitbutyou'reright,likealways,backtomypanicattack.”

“You knew your brother wouldn’t leave you.” I nodded yes. “He was out of your view for what

seemslikeaminute?”Inoddedagain.“Hecamerightback.”

“Yes,IknowbutIstillfreakedout.ThisiswhyI’mherenow.Idon’tlikemybrotherseeingmelike

that.He’sbeenthroughenoughwhenitcomestome.Heworriestoomuchaboutmeasitisandnowhe’ll

justworrymore.Worstofall,Ishowedhimmyscarsagain.”

“He’salreadyseenthem,”sheremindedme.

“Ihateshowingthemtohimbecausehestillthinkswhathappenedtomewashisfault.”

“He’sdoingbetter,though.”

My brother and I had group counseling for about a year, and he’d see Suzanne on his own. He

stopped,though,becauseunlikeme,hecouldmoveon,kindof.

Ishookmyhead.“Ijustwanttowakeupandbenormal.Whycan’tIbelikeotherpeople?I’mso

sickoffeelinglikeI’malwaysdrowning.ItfeelslikeI’mdrowninginsideofmyself.It’ssuffocating.I’m

suffocating!”

“Youreallyaredoingagreatjob,Ashton.I’msorryyouhadthepanicattack,butIdon’twantitto

setyouback.Idon’twantyoutofeellikeyou’vetakenastepbackbecauseyouhaven’t.Iknowitdoesn’t

seemlikeit,butyou’vegrownsomuchoverthelastsixyears.IwishIcouldmakeiteasyforyoubutI

can’t.You’retheonlyonewhocan.Iwantyoutopushyourselfmore.Ithinkweneedtostarthittingthis

harder.”

Isuckedinabreath.“Areyoutryingtokillme?”

“Alittledramaticdon’tyouthink,Ashton.”Shestoodupandsmoothedoutherclothes.

Suzannewastall,skinny,andblondeandsometimessheworeglasses.Otherthanthat,Idon’tpay

attentiontopeopleortheuniquedetailstheyallhave.Theyallblendintocategories,andIcan’tseepast

that.Theyareshortortall,fatorskinny,andtheonlyotherthingInoticeisusuallytheirhaircolor.AndI

guessglasses.Sometimesthosestickouttome.

Myworldisboring.

Bland.

Dullandlifeless.

SometimesthebeatingofmyheartistheonlythingthatremindsmethatI'malive.

“I’mscared,Suzanne.”

I’malwayssofuckingscared.

“Anxietycandothattoyou.”Shepausedforafewsecondsandcontinued,“Iknowyou’rescared

butdidanythingbadhappenyesterday?Yourbrotherstayedpastfour.Heatedinnerwithyouandthenyou

fellasleep.Nothingbadhappened.Yourwholedaygotscrewedup,buthereyouare,safe.Wasitreally

thatbad?”Icouldn’tanswer.“Besides,I’msureyourbrotherlovedspendingthattimewithyou.”Shesat

downbehindherdeskandslippedherglassesbackon.

Shemadesomegoodpoints,butIwasnotincontrol.Hewas.Hetoldmewhattodo.Hemadethe

decisiontostay.Hetoldmetotakethepill.Hetoldmehewasn’tleaving.HetoldmeIhadnochoice.I

wasnotgivenachoice.

Heshouldhavejustaskedme.

“Heshouldhaveaskedme.”Istoodup.“OhMyGod.”

“Whatisit,Ashton?”

“Mikecontrolledthesituation.Hewouldn’tletmechoose.Hedidn’tgivemeachoice.”Myheart

startedracingandIballedmyhandsintofists.“Hekepttellingmewhattodo!Hewouldn’tlistentome!”

My voice raised on its own. “It wasn’t fair, Suzanne! I allowed it to happen! I didn’t even try to fight

back!Ididn’tfighthim!”Tearsstreameddownmyfaceandmybodyfellbackdownonthecouch.My

headfellintomyhandsasIcontinuedtocry.

Whydidn’tIfightback?

WhyhadIbeensoweak?

I felt Suzanne sit next to me. “Ashton honey, Mike is not him. You can’t compare them to each

other.”

“Iknowhe’snot,”Isaid,feelingmysadnessturnintoanger.“ButIdon’tlikepeoplehavingcontrol

overme,Suzanne.”

“Iunderstand.Therearedifferentkindsofcontrolandthiswasagoodone.Youweren’tgivingup

controlsweetheart,youwerelettinghimhelpyou.Youlethimcareforyouandyoudidn’tevenrealizeit.

Hewashelpingyou,Ashton.Hecaresforyoudeeply.He’salwaysdonethat.Youhavetoseeitfromhis

perspectiveandviceversa.”

Ihatedtoadmitit,butshewasright.Ofcourse,mybrothercaresformeandwantstoprotectme.

Hedoesn’tunderstandhowIfunctionifyoucanevencallitthat.Hefoundnothingwrongwithhowhe

handledmebecause,inhismind,hewastakingcareofme.Hewastryingtokeepmesafe.

“Communication, Ashton; you need to explain this to your brother. He’ll understand and you can

move forward, and next time you might not have a panic attack.” She stood up. “I’m glad you came in

today.Iwon’tmakeyougotogrouptherapyifyoudon’twantto.Iknowhowupsetyouare.Maybeyou

cantryitnextweekthough?”

I had stopped crying by now. Maybe I could try it, but I wasn’t going to make that decision right

now.

“Thankyou,Suzanne,fortoday.”

“Ofcourse,dear.Areyoumorerelaxednow?Thepanicislayinglow,likedowninyourtoes.”

Ilaughedandgrabbedmysunglasses.“Yes,youpulledmebackfromtheedgeagain.”Iputthemon

andheadedtothedoor.“I’llseeyouMondayateight.”

“I look forward to it.” I opened the door and stepped out of the room “Be easy on your brother,

Ashton!”shecalledoutafterme.

Irandownthestepsandrushedoutside.

IknowI’vehadthisdiscussionwithSuzannebefore.Itsoundsfamiliar.I’mnotsurewhyit’staken

mesixyearstofinallyunderstanditbutIguessIwasn’treadytoactuallylistentothemeaningbehindthe

words.Iwasn’topeningmyselfuptothepossibilitythatMikewasn’ttryingtocontrolme.

Whyiseverythingsohardformetounderstand?

IpickedupmypaceasIwalkedhome.Ididn’twanttobeoutsideanymore.Theairwasthickand

heavytoday;addthattomythoughtsanditwasharderformetobreathe.Icouldnothaveapanicattackin

public.Ididnotwanttohaveonetwodaysinarow.

Icrossedthestreetafewblocksawayfromtheapartmentbuilding.

I started picking up the pace until I was jogging but the flip flops were getting in the way, so I

stoppedandtookthemoff.

Istartedrunning.

Idon’trun,though.

WhythehellwasIrunning?

Istartedtofeelsomethinginsideofme.Likesomekindofchange.Lifealtering.Somethingthat’s

importanttomyrecovery.I’mnotsureIcanhandlesomethingthisbig.Idon’tunderstandityettobeable

tohandleit.Itfeelssosudden;italreadyfeelslikeit’shappeningwaytoofast!

Istoppedrunning,desperatetocatchmybreathandslippedtheflipflopson.

It’sbeensixyears!

IstillfeellikeI’mchainedtothatdamnbed.

I’msotiredoffeelingtrapped.

It’sbeensixfuckingyearssincethechainwascutfree.

“Ashton?”

Ijumped,Iscreamed,andIslammedmybodyagainstmydoor.Onehandwenttomysunglassesto

makesuretheyhadnotfallenoff.Myotherhandthatheldmykeysshook.

Idon’tevenrememberwalkingintothebuilding.

“Shit.” I heard him again. I knew that voice so I turned my head to the left. “Ashton, I’m sorry. I

wasn’ttryingtoscareyou.”Lincolnranhishandsthroughhishairandlookedaway.

Saysomething!

Iswallowedthelumpinmythroat.“Hi.”

Helookedup.“I’msorry.”

“Iknow.”Hestartedwalkingtowardsmeandmyhandwentupagain.“Please,don’tcomeany

closer.”

Pleasecomecloser.Don’trunaway.Notyet.

Hestopped.“I’msorryIscaredyou.Iwasjustsurprisedtoseeyou.”Hesmiledandleanedhis

shoulderagainstthewallwherehestopped.“It’snotMondayyet.”

ThanksforremindingmeI’msuchafreak!Iwantedtoscreamathim.Butit’snothisfault.

Whathasmylifebecome?Iknowhedidn’tmeananythingbyitbutitfeltlikeaslapinthefaceto

me.Ofcourse,hewouldonlyseemeonMondays.Ionlyleavemyapartmenttwotimesaweekbecause

it’sallIcanhandlefromtheoutsideworld.

Istompedmyfootinanefforttocontrolmyself.“Um,well.”Imanagedtounlockmydooranddug

myfingersintothetrimonthedoorframetostaystill.

He’sjustbeingnice.

Hewon’thurtme.

“I had to do something today that normally I don’t do.” I looked back at him and he dropped his

smileandasked,“You’reokay?”

“Whyareyousad?”Iblurtedout.

“I’mnotsad.Iwasworriedaboutyou.”

“Why?”Jesus,Ican’tstop.

Isthiswhatnormalpeopledo?HowlonghaveIbeenstandinghere?ItfeelslikeI’vebeenstanding

hereforhours.

IlookedatmywatchandtoldmyselfIcouldbecalm,becauseIwasstillonmyblockoffreetime.I

tookadeepbreathinandoutandlookedbackatLincoln.

“Becauseofyesterday…,”hepaused,“um,yourbrothertalkedtome.Itwasn’tmuchbutIguessI

neededtohearitfromyouthatyouwereinfact,okay.”

MybrothertoldmehewasgoingtotalktohimafterIfellasleep.Hepromisedmehewouldn’ttell

himaboutmebutwouldlethimknowIwasokay.I’mnotsurewhatwassaidbutmybrothersaidheliked

Lincoln.Hesaidhecouldeventuallyseethembeingfriends.

ItwasnicetoknowsomeoneelseotherthanSuzanneandMikeworriedaboutme.Hedoesn’tknow

mewellenoughtocareaboutme,soitmustbepity.

Besides,whowouldwanttobefriendswithafuckedupfreaklikeme?

“Idon’twanttolietoyou,Lincoln.I’mnotokaybutpleasedon’tworryaboutme.It’stoomuchfor

metohandle.”

“Okay,”hesaidsoftly,“Iwon’t.”

ButIwantyouto.

Youtoldhimnotto!

Hewaslisteningtoyou!

Doingwhatyouasked!

“Shutup!”

Thiswastoohard.

I’mconfused.

Ican’thavefriendsletalonebeafriendtosomeone.

Ican’tbenormal.

Ishouldn’teventalktohim.

IthoughtIheardhimreplytomebutIheardanotherman’svoicedistractus.

“Hey,Jackass!Whyyoustandinginthehallway?”

LincolnturnedhisheadtothemanandItookthatopportunitytoslipintomyapartment.Ilockedup,

slidthethreechainsinplace,andslidmybackdownthedoor.

Istartedcrying.

Nopanicattack.

Justtears.

Chapter5-Lincoln

IturnedaroundatNick’svoice.Itwasastupidmove.Ishouldhavekeptmyeyesonher,becauseI

turnedbackaroundandshewasgone.

Iknewshewouldbe.

Myheartfeltlikeitjustfelloutofmychest.IwasdisappointedwithmyselfthatIlostherattention

andpissedoffatmybestfriend.

ShewasfinallytalkingtomeandIcouldn’thelpbutwonderhowlongshewouldhavecontinuedif

Nickhadnotinterruptedus.

God,hehadtheworsttiming,especiallywhenIwasn’texpectingavisitfromhim.

IpunchedhiminthearmbeforeIunlockedmydoor.

“Whatthehell,Linc,”hewhined.

“Whatthefuckareyoudoinghere?”Igrowledathimwhilewalkingthroughmydoor.

“Whatthehellcrawledupyourassnow?”IheardthedoorshutbehindhimbythetimeIgottothe

kitchen.Istartedgrabbingtheingredientsformyshakefromthefridgeandplacedthemontheisland.

Isighed,“Iwastalkingtoher.”

“Who?”

“Ashtonyouidiot!”Iwascuttingtheshitoutofthestrawberriesturningthemtomushbeforethey

madeitintotheblender.“WhoelsewouldIbetalkingto?”

Hesatonthestoolandcontinuedtowatchmedestroythebananathatwasthenextingredientinmy

shake.“Ididn’tseeher.Hell,I’veneverseenher.Iseverythingokaywithyou?”

IpausedwhatIwasdoing.“Whatthefuckisthatsupposedtomean?”

Heshruggedhisshouldersandtookachanceoflookingatme.“I’mjustwonderingifthischickis

real,”herambledout.Hemusthaveseenmyjawtwitchanddroppedhiseyesbacktomyhand.

IgrippedtheknifeandremindedmyselfthatitwouldbeconsideredillegalifIcuthimandburied

himintherosebushesthatwereinthefrontofourbuilding.

Ipointedtheknifeathim.“You’reanasshole.”Thebananasweredone,sotheyweretossedinthe

blender.IswungmyarmbehindmeandgrabbedthepearIhadonthecounter.Ididn’tneeditbutIwas

stillgettingmyfrustrationoutbychoppingupfruit.“Whatareyoudoinghereanyways?”Ineededtoknow

whatwassoimportantthatitruinedmyvisitwithAshton.

All I wanted to do was knock on her door. I was curious to see if she would open it. The

conversation I had with Mike rushed back to me and I quickly decided it would be too much for her. I

don’twanttopushher.IwantedhertofeelcomfortablearoundmeandIknewthatwouldtaketime.

IalsowantedtoknowiftherewasanythingIcoulddotohelpher.Ididn’tknowwhatsheneeded

helpwith,butIwantedtohelp.Ishouldtalktoherbrotheragain.Maybehecouldhelpmefigure

somethingoutthatwouldn’tpushherawayfromme.Hecouldtalktoher,tellherhowIfeel,andmaybein

return,shewouldbeabletotalktomemore.

“I’minterviewingpeople.Iwantyoutositin,”Nicksaid,andIignoredhim.

Igrabbedtheproteinpowder,puttwoscoopsin,andthengrabbedtheplainyogurtandmilkoutof

thefridgetofinishofftheingredients.IturnedtheblenderonandwaitedlongerthannormalbeforeIshut

itoff.ItoldAshtonthatIwouldn'tworryabouther,butIlied.Ofcourse,I’mgoingtoworryabouther.It

washardtotellwiththosesunglassescoveringhalfherface,butherbodylanguagesaidthatIhadlether

down.Idon’tknowtheboundariesofourfriendshipandI’mwalkingoneggshellsaroundher,butIwas

honestwithher.Iconsideredherafriend.

IturnedmybacktoNickandgrabbedaglassfromthedishstrainer.Keepingmyeyesfocused,I

pouredmyshakeanddrankitslowly.Ilovedhavingashakeaftermyruns.I’vebeenaddictedtothemfor

years,andmybodyseemstocravethemnow.

“Shewaswearingblack.”Iturnedaroundandsatmycupontheisland.Ilearnedsomethingnew

abouthertoday.

Heraisedonebrowatmeandslightlytiltedhisheadtotheside.“Huh?”

“Ashton’sshirt.Itwasblacktoday.Mondaysarealwayswhite,sotheblackcaughtmeoffguard.”

“HowthefuckdidyoumanagetocatchheronadayotherthanMonday?”

“Igotlucky.”Igrinnedeartoear.

Herubbedhisjaw,andneitherofusspokeforaminute.“I’mgoingwiththecolor-blindoption.She

probably labels her shirts so she knows which colors they are. She’s probably organized. Like crazy

fuckingOCDshitgoingon.I’djustwearwhiteallthetime.Makeiteasy.Butshit,whatdoIknow?Iwas

justthrowingitoutthere.”

Thatdidmakesense.Theycouldbelabeledandorganizedbythedaysoftheweek;nothingwrong

withthat.Herbrotherprobablyhelpsherbuytherightcolorsorshehasacolorchartorsomethingcrazy

like that. I thinkIwoulddothesamethingifIhadtroubleseeingcolors.Icouldonlyimaginehow

frustratedIwouldbeinthatsituation,evenmoresodependingonhowbadthecolorblindnesswas.Who

knows,itmightaffecthermorethanothers.

“Youactuallymakesense,”Iacknowledged.

“I’masmartmotherfucker,”hesaidashetappedthesideofhishead.

“Notthatsmartifyouneedhelphiringpeople.”

He sighed and started to bang his head lightly on the island. “That’s why I’m asking for help.” It

cameoutmonotone,andIknewhewasserious.

“Iknownothingabouthiringpeople,”Iconfessed.“Whywouldyouwantmetohelpyou?”

Hepoppedhisheadup,slidoffthestool,andwenttothefridge.Iwatchedhimpulloutabeerand

twist the top off. With one long swig, the beer was half gone. “Fuck Lincoln, I need reliable, honest

employees.I’mjustaskingthatyousitinontheinterview.Getafeelforthemandifaquestioncomesto

mind,askit.Ifnot,thenwe’lldiscussthemaftertheyleave.”

TheconversationIhadwithmysistersuddenlycametomind.Thisisgood.“Ihaveanidea.”

Hepausedjustashewasgoinginforanotherswig.Iknewhe’dfinishitoff.“Thatwasfast.”

“Natneedsajob.”

“Noshit.IthoughtshewasinIowa?”

“Sheis,butwhenyouofferedmeajob,IwasstillinIowa.”ImovedwithinafewdaysofNick

offeringmethejob.Itwasshittyofmetowalkoutonmycurrentplaceofemployment,butitwassobad

thatIknewifIhadtostepinthatofficeonemoretimeIwouldhaveshotmyself.

Natmentionedthemarketwasn’tonhersideinhercurrentfieldrightnow.She’sappliedtoafew

places in other states, so I know she’s willing to relocate. It’s not her dream job but it’s better than

nothing.Plus,Imissedmysister.

Shecouldatleastworkuntilsomethingbettercamealong.

“Isn’t she a decorator?” he asked. By now, his beer was finished and he was sitting back on the

stool.

Ilaughedathim.“I’mprettysureshe’sanInteriorDesigner,butshealsohasaMarketingdegree.”

Mysister,NatalieMay,wassmartjustlikeme.ShehadaBachelorofScienceinInteriorDesign

andanassociate’sdegreeinMarketing.She’saverycreativepersonwholikestothinkoutsideofthebox.

She’sverycharismatic;peopletakeaninstantlikingtoherandshemakesfriendswhereevershegoes.

She’salwayshappyandalwaysupforanadventure.

I’llneverforgetherseniorprom.IthoughtIwouldhavetowarnoneguy,butitturnedoutsixguys

had asked her to be their date. She never had a boyfriend in high school so she wasn’t sure who to go

with. She suggested a group date, rounded up five of her girlfriends and they all went together. They

rentedalimo,tooktonsofpictures,andtheyswitcheddancepartnersthroughoutthenight.Noonefeltleft

out.Shehadthetimeofherlife,andshemadesixnewfriendsthatnight.

“Whywouldshewanttoworkinabar,though?”

ItalkedwhileIcleanedupmymess.“She’sbeenlookingbutthemarket’stoughrightnowinher

field. Plus, I’d like it if she lived closer now that Mom is a free bird. You know Nat’s reliable and

dependable.Alwayshasbeen.Shemightbeabletohelpinotherareasoftheclubaswell.”Islippedmy

shoesoffandwalkedoutofthekitchen.“ThinkaboutitwhileIshower,”IyelledovermyshoulderasI

headedtothebathroom.

###

Fourhoursandsixinterviewslater,Iwantedtopullmyhairout.NowIknowwhyNickcan’tfind

any decent employees. Five of them looked like they were interviewing for a stripper’s position: short

shorts, even shorter skirts, and barely covered tits. I’d never seen so much cleavage in such a short

amountoftime.

LilywastheonlyoneIliked.Shewasprobablyaroundfivesixwithshortblondehairandwore

blackrimmedglasses.Nickdidnotlikethefactthatshehadnoexperience,butshepleadedhercase.She

said she was confident, a fast learner, and needed someone to take a chance on her. She was still in

collegeandhadissueswithfunding,soshewasdesperateforajob.

I hit Nick upside the head. “She not only wants to work, but she needs to work, Nick. She’ll be

reliable.Dependable.She’lldoherjobanddoitsignificantlybetterthanthoseotherfivewomenbecause

sheneedsthemoney.”

“Shedoesn’thaveanyexperiencewhichmeansI’llhavetotrainher,”hecountered.

“Italsomeansshe’llbedoingthejobright;yourwayandonlyyourway.”Ishookmyhead.“You

shouldalwaystrainthenewemployees,Nick.Teachthemallthesameinsteadoflettingtheothergirlsdo

it.Plus,Igotagoodfeelingabouther.Youneedtohireher.AndNat.”Henoddedatme,butIneededto

stressonemorething.“Donot,underanycircumstances,hireanyofthoseotherwomen.”

Istretchedoutinthechairandrestedmyheadonthebackofit.Iwassotired.I’veneverbeengood

at sleeping but the last few weeks were worse than normal. I’ve lived on four to five hours of sleep a

nightsinceDaddied.

“Iaskedforit,sowe’regoingwithLily.Youtrainheronthebar-backduties.Shelookstoughbut

anything that’s too heavy she could use the dolly. I want you back at the door again at least for now. I

mighthavetofireJohnny.”

“Whydon’tyoufireeveryoneandstartover,”Igrumbledtomyself.

“That’s not a bad idea. Let’s see how Lily does. Who knows Linc, maybe you’ll oversee hiring

thesefuckersfromnowon.”

Nickwasaniceguy.Hejusthadabadwayofcommunicatingsometimes.

“Youcan’tcallthemfuckers,”Itoldhimstandingup.“Besides,I’moneofyouremployees.”I

leanedonthedeskandgotinhisface.“Youcallin’meafucker,boss?”

“Hellyes,I’mcallingyouafucker.Fucker,”hesnappedinmyfaceandwebothchuckled.“IknowI

askedyoutoworktonight,butyoulooklikeshit.Whydon’tyougohomeandgetsomebeautysleep?If

shitgetscrazy,I’llhandleit.”

Thosewordsweremusictomyears.

“Okayboss,youcancallmefuckeranytimeyou’dlike.”Ipushedoffthedeskandgrabbedmykeys

andhatofftheshelf.“I’llcallandtalktoNattonight.”

“Youdothat!Imissthatlittlepipsqueak.”

She’snotapipsqueakbutwhatever.“Whatever.”

TheykneweachotherbecauseI’dbringNickhomewithmeovertheholidaysbuttheydidn’ttalk

verymuch.EventhoughNatwasoutgoing,shestillhadashysideanditcameoutoccasionally.

Ihadnoreasontohangoutanylonger,soIwenthome,calledNat,andshewasgoingtotakethejob

andcrashinmysecondbedroomuntilshefoundaplace.

Chapter6-Ashton

Istartedtothinktherewassomethinginthewater.

Ormaybesomeonestuckasignonmybackthatsaid,Talktome,I’mfriendly.Icouldtotallysee

Suzannedoingsomethinglikethattome.

Thelasttwodayshavebeengood.Asgoodastheycanbeinmyworldanyway.Igrabbedthefew

post-it-notesthathadfallentothefloorandusedtapetostickthembackup.IonlykepttheonesIwanted

todo:readarandombookandcallmybrother.

A part of me was sick of the post-it-notes. The other part said I couldn’t get rid of them; that I

neededthem.Ineededthissystemtofunction,soitstayed.WhyIneededittofunctionwashardtoexplain

eventomyself.Itjustfeltrighttome.

Iwasproudofmyself.Icouldn’twaittosharethiswithSuzanne.

I wanted more time with Mike even though he lived upstairs and we had several visits a week. I

missedhim.IthelpedthathewasavailableeverytimeIcalled.Yes,hehadtoanswerafewcallsduring

ourvisitsbecausehedoesmanagethebuildingbutotherwise,Ihadhimtomyself.

Today,afterMikeleft,Iwenttothestore.SinceitwasThursday,IknewIhadtogetitdone.Ihad

justgothomewhenIsawher.

ItriedtoignoreherandwalkdirectlytomyapartmentlikeInormallydo.

Iwasgoodatignoringpeople,butIsoonlearnedshewouldbeanexception.

When I walked into the building, I immediately smelled vanilla. It was soft and warm; it did not

overloadmysenses,andIlikeditrightaway.

HereyesweregluedtoherphoneasshestoodoutsideofLincoln’sdoor.Therewerethreelarge

brightpinksuitcasesleaningupagainstthewallnexttoher.

I thought that maybe she was Lincoln’s girlfriend or wife. I didn’t care. Now maybe he would

leavemealone.IcouldhavemyMondaysback.

ButyoulikehimfuckingupyourMondays.

Thewomanwasdistractedbyhercellphone,soIthoughtIcouldescapeintomyapartmentwithout

herrealizingIexisted.

IcouldbarelydealwithLincoln;howcouldIdealwithhisgirlfriendontopofthat?

It felt like I still had a mile left until I reached my apartment door, so as soon as I passed her, I

breathedasighofrelief.

“Hey!” Her voice was calm but spiked with excitement. I could feel her. Her presence. A strong

presence,overwhelmingforsomeonelikeme.

Damnit,Ishouldwearmyearphonesagainandlistentomusic.Thatalwayshelped.

Ireachedmydoorandhadmykeyready.

“Excuseme,”shesaidsoftly.

Shewasclosertomenow.

Veryclose.

Whydopeoplekeeptalkingtome?!

Irotatedmyheadslightlytotheleftanddirectedmysighttohershoes.

Don’tlookherintheeye.

Youdon’twanttoknowwhatshelookslike.

Hershoeswerebrightblueandhadthinstrapswrappedaroundhersmalldelicateankles.Islowly

mademywayuphertanned,tonedlegsandlandedonatightblackskirthuggingherthighs.

Whatthehellisgoingon?

Thesuitcaseswerebrightpink.

Theshoeswerebrightblue.

The colors were screaming at me to look at them, and I was. They reached out and grabbed me,

pullingmyattentiontothem.Isawthem.Icouldn’tstop.Iglancedfromhershoestotheluggagedownthe

hallwayandbacktotheshoes.

I don’t see color. At least not like this. I haven’t for a really long time. I don’t pay attention to

details.Ibarelyseepeople,letalonecolor.

Andwhyarethecolorssovibrant?

Andrefreshing?

Alongtimeago,whenmylifewasmine,Istilldon’tthinkI’deverseencolorsostrong.

Thecolorofhershirtmatchedhershoesperfectly.Morecolor.Itlookedfancy,maybesomething

SuzannewouldwearifIeverpaidattentiontohowshedressed.ButIgotthefeelingshewouldweara

toplikethat.

“Canyouhearme?”shegentlyasked.Good,maybeshethinksI’mdeaf.

“Yes,”Iwhisperedandimmediatelymyheartstartedtorace.Ididn’tplantoanswerher,letalone

startaconversation.

“Oh good. I’m Natalie.” She stuck her hand out to shake mine. It dawned on me how close she

actuallywas.

WhywasIpayingattentiontoher?Idon’tletanyonegetthisclose;especiallystrangers.Istaredat

her hand like I’d never seen one before. I wasn’t sure what to do because I don’t shake other people’s

hands.

ButforsomereasonIhadasuddenurgetoshakeherhand.Ihadnoideawhy.

“Don’tworry.Ihearthefluisgoingaround.”Sheheldhercellphonewithbothhandsinfrontof

her.“Don’twanttobepassingaroundgermsifIhavethem.”Sheleanedherbackupagainstthewalland

sighed.“Doyouknowmybrother?”Shepointedtohisdoor.InoddedatthesametimerealizingIhadn’t

evenputmykeyinthelockyet.“I’mmovinginwithhim.It’sgoodtoknowthere’sagirllivingacrossthe

hall.Thisisgoingtobefun!Weshouldgotolunch.I’llaskLincolnofagoodplacetoeat,unlessyou

knowone?Youprobablyknowbetterplacesthanhimanyway.”Shelaughedatherself.

MyheartcontinuedtoraceasIlistenedtohersoftvoicedrawingmein.Mypalmsweresweaty,but

Icouldn’tmove.Nothingwasworking.Itwaslikesheputaspellonme.Icouldn’tlookaway!

“You’re shy. I get it; used to be the same way. Well, kind of. Anyway, can you believe I had

braces?”Ineveransweredandshecontinued,“Hadtowearthosedamnthingsforyears.Butlookatthis

smilenow.”Shesmiledbiggerthistime.Clearlyproudofherresults.Ihadtoadmitherteethdidlook

perfectandwhite.“Theylookperfectnow.Woulddoitalloveragain.Youwouldn’tbelievehowawful

theylooked,though.Peoplemadefunofme.”

DoIsaysomethingnow?AndifIdidsaysomething,whatwouldIsay?IneverhadbracessoIhad

nocluewhatthatexperiencewouldbelike.

DoItellheraboutmyexperienceinstead?TellherwhatlifewaslikeformeforthethreeyearsI

hadlivedwiththeDevil,separatedfrommyfamily,chainedtoabed,and…andeverysingletimeItooka

breathofair,Ibeggedformylifetoend.

No,Ican’t.Whowouldwanttohearthat?

Buttherewassomethingdifferentaboutthisgirl.Forone,shewouldn’tstoptalkingtome.

ShewasworsethanLincoln.

Even leaning up against the wall, like she had all the time in the world, there was an energy that

radiatedoffher.Icouldfeelitinwaveswashingoverme.Icouldstillsmellthewarmvanillathatwas

nowalittleintoxicatingbutinawelcomingkindofway.

Ialmostfeltcomfortable.Likeshewasgivingmepeace.

ItookadeepbreathtryingtocalmmyselfbutrealizedIwasn’tevenhavingapanicattack.Wasit

goingtocreepupandscaretheshitoutofme?WouldIpassoutinthehallwayinfrontofastranger?

Iglancedatheragainandnoticedherhairthistime.Itwasthrownuplikemine.Itlookedmessy

whichIassumedminealwayslookedlike.

“So, what’s your name?” she asked quietly laced with something I thought might have been

concern.

“Ashton.”Itcameoutshaky.

“Ilovethatname!I’venevermetanAshtonbefore.You’retotallyanAshton.”Herphonedpinged

in her hand at the same time, and she pushed off the wall. “Linc’s on his way in. I haven’t seen in him

months.” Still grinning ear to ear, she started bouncing on her heels with waytomuchenergy.“You

shouldcomeoverandhangoutwhileIunpack.Lincwon’tcare.He’scool.”

“No,”Ichokedout,puttingmytremblinghandsinthedirectionofthedeadboltlock.

This was it. It finally hit me. I wasn’t sure if it was because I knew Lincoln was on his way or

becauseshejustinvitedmetohangoutwithher.Idon’thangoutwithanyonebutMikeandSuzanne.And

Ican’tcallmytherapysessions‘hangingout’sinceIpayforSuzanne’stime.

Myracingheartfeltheavierwitheachbeat,ithurt;Ifeltlightheaded.Thiswasgoingtobeabad

one,butIstillwelcomedit.AndIwelcomedittoomuchbecauseIwasn’tsureIcouldmakeitintomy

apartment.

Iwashangingontothehandlewithallmystrengthwhichwasverylittle.

“Pleaseletmego,”Iwhisperedtoherandhereyesgotsad.

“I’mnotdoinganything,”shewhisperedbackandturnedaroundwhenLincolncalledhername.“I

didn’tdoanythingLinc,Ipromise.”

“Ashton.”IheardLincolnsayandIknewhewasrunningtowardsme.

“Something’swrong,Linc.”IheardhertellherbrotherasIstartedtoseeblackdots.

Thiscan’thappenrightnow.Ican’tpassoutinfrontofthem.Ican’tpassoutinfrontofanyonebut

SuzanneorMike.Ifmyglassesfalloff,it’sover.Ican’tletthemseeme.

“Ashton,areyouokay?”IheardLincwhisperinmyear.

Hewaswaytooclosetome.Icouldn’thandleit.Ashotoffearstartedhammeringthroughoutmy

body.

Iwasscared.

Ifelthelpless.

Iwasn’tincontrolofmybodyanymore.Itbetrayedmeandtookoverlikeitalwaysdid.

Mylegsgaveout,andIwasbrieflythankfulsomeonehadcaughtmebeforeIhittheground.Iletmy

bagsfallsoIcouldputmyhandsovermyface.

Ihadtoprotectmyself.

ImadesuretherewasnowaymyglasseswouldfalloffbecauseIwrappedmyselfinmyarmsand

curledintoLincoln’shardchestwhenIfeltmylegsleavetheground.

IknewLincolnwasn’tgoingtohurtmeandIthinkatsomepointImighthavefeltsafebutIwas

losingmygriponreality.Iwasslippinginsidemyself.Iwasgoingtomyhappyplace,andIwantedtogo

there,now.

My body was shutting down, protecting itself, and I was going somewhere I knew once felt like

home.

ForalmostthreeyearsitwastheclosestfeelingIcouldgettohome.Mybodywouldalwaystake

over and protect me. I was lonely but never scared, even though I was surrounded by nothing but the

darkness.Ineverfoughtit,forthreeyearsIneverfoughtit.Itwasbetterthanthealternative.

Mybodycurledintoaballwhenhesetmeonthecouch,andmyworldwasalmostblack.Ithada

mindofitsown,butIknewitwastakingcareofme.

“Watchher,”IheardLincolntellhissister.“IneedtogofindMike.”

Mike.Mybrother.

Icouldnolongerfeelthemnow.

Eitherofthem.

Isawnobrightcolors.

Ismellednothing.

Iletthedarknessconsumeme.

###

“CanItouchyou,Ashton?”IwaslyinginbedonmyrightsidefacingLincoln,whowasmimickingmy

positionfacingme.Hiseyesweresobright.

ThebrightestblueI’deverseen.

IknowIhaven’tseenthemthatmanytimes

buttheyhadneverbeenthisbrightbefore.

Iwouldrememberthat.

“What’sgoingon?”Iaskedconfused.

Myheadhurt.

Icouldn’tmove.

Ididn’twanttomove.

Lincolnreachedoutandtouchedthesideofmyface.Thegoodside.Thesidethatwasn’thideous;that

wasn'tdamagedbeyondrepair.

Isuckedinabreathofairathistouchandfroze.

Allmymusclesclenchedup,everysingleoneofthem,butIjustlaidthere.Hemovedhisthumbunder

myrighteyeandcaughtatear.

Heclosedhiseyesandwhispered,

“Pleasedon’tcry,Ash.”

Ash.

Thelongerhishandrestedonthesideofmyface,themoremymusclesstartedtorelax.Iwasslowly

beginningtofeelthem

unravelfromtheknotstheywerein.

Histhumbstrokeswereslowanddeliberate;

hishandsweresoftandwarm.

Hisfingerswerebehindmyear

slowingmassagingmyhead.

“Idon’tknowwhyI’mcrying,”Iconfessed.

Heopenedhiseyesandscannedmyface.Heneverpausedwhenheshouldhave.Helookedatmelike

therewasnothingwrongwithme.

Likehecouldn’tseemyscars.

WhenIhadhisattentionagain,hesmiled.“Ash,you’resobeautiful.

Idon’tlikeitwhenyou’rehurt.

Whyareyoucrying?”

Icriedevenmore.Ifeltthetearsrundownmycheek;

histhumbcouldn’tkeepupwiththem.

“Don’tsaythat,Linc.

Pleasedon’teversaythatagain,”Iwhispered.

Thiswasreallyweird.I’dneverlayhereinbedwithhim,letalonelethimseemelikethis.Whatwas

goingon?HadIfinallygonecrazy?

“Ash,pleasedon’tcry.Ithurtsmetoseeyoucry,”hekeptwhispering,andhesoundedsosad.So,

distraught.Apartofmefeltlikehedidcare.

Wecontinuedtostareateachother.Everytimeheaskedmenottocry,Icriedharder.ThemoreIcried,

theharderthetearscameout.Somethingwashappeninginsideofme,butbeforeIcouldstartto

analyzeit,Lincoln’sblueeyesstartedtofade.

“Whereareyougoing?”Istartedtopanic.

“Nowhere,Ash.I’mrighthere,”hesaidashiseyeswereslowlyturningblack.“Ifyouwantme,I’m

righthere…”Hisvoicesoundeddistorted,maybefurtheraway,maybedeeper.Nothingfeltright,

everythingfeltsoforeigntome.

“No,Linc.You’releavingme!”ItriedtomoveandIcouldn’t.

Webothseemedstuckthewaywewere.

Heblinkedhiseyesafewtimes.Theywerealmostpureblacknow.“Idon’twanttoleave,Ash.”He

wassocalmandkeptholdingme.

“Staywithme,”Ibegged.“Please,don’tleavemehere.It’stoodark.

Andit’slonely.I’msofuckinglonely.”

Hegrippedmyheadalittletighterbutitdidn’thurt.

“Tellmeagain,Ash.Tellmeyouwantmetostay.”

Inodded.“Yes,Lincoln.Pleasestaywithme.

Idon’twantyoutogo.”

“Allyouhavetodoisask,Ash.Whateveryouwant.Whateveryouneed.I’mhere.”Thebluewas

startingtobreakthroughtheblackinhiseyes.Itwaslikewatchingthesunpeakoutfrombehinda

darksetofstormclouds.Itwassobeautiful.

Iwassickofblack.Iwantedcolorback.

Iwantedhisradiatingblueeyesshiningonmeagain.

Ifeltelectricityflowfromhisfingersandintome.Itwaswarmandthemorehewipedthetearsaway,

themoreseepedinandthehotteritgot.Ifeltmyinsidesstarttomelt.Itkeptpumpingthroughme,

flowingfreelyandIcouldfeeliteverywhere.

Iwascontentandfelt…felt…something…feltsomethingI’veneverfeltbefore.Itwasonthetipof

mytongue,butIwasn’tsurewhatitwas.

ButIknewIlikedit.

Iwantedtofeellikethisallthetime.

Andatthatmoment,everythingwentblack.

Pitchblack.

Iwashome.

Lincoln

“Whatthefuck,”MikehissedfromAshton’sbedroomdoor.IwouldfeelthesamewayifIwalked

inonwhathejustdid.

Icouldn’tstandtoseeAshtonrockingherselfinaprotectiveballonthecouch.Shewashavinga

reallybadpanicattack,maybesomethingmore,anditscaredtheshitoutofme.

Mikewasn’thome,soIslippedanoteunderhisdoorandtoldhimtogettoAshton’sapartmentas

soonaspossible.

IsentNatawaysoshecouldputherluggageinsideourapartment.AlthoughIcouldn’tseesomeone

stealingherluggage,Ididnotwantitsittingoutinthehallway.

Nat used to have nightmares as a child. She didn’t have them often but when she did she was

severelyfrightened.Theonlypersonthatcouldcalmherwasme.I’dwraphertightinmyarmsandtalkto

her.I’dtellherIscaredthemonstersawayandshenolongerhadtobeafraid.Forsomereason,Iwasthe

onlyonethatcouldmakethemonstersdisappear.

IwasNat’shero.

NattoldmetodothesamethingwithAshton.Iknewitwasprobablywrong,butIwantedtohelp

her if I could. Sitting around doing nothing wasn’t my style. She needed someone and Mike wasn’t

available.

I picked her up and carried her into her room. I laid her in bed with her still wrapped up in my

arms.Itwasdarkintheroom,andIpulledherglassesoffafterIpulledthesheetoverus.

“Shhh.She’ssleeping,”IwhisperedtoMikeasIfeltAshtongripmetighter.Herarmswerearound

mywaist,headburiedinmychest.She’sdonethisafewtimesnowandinreturn,Iheldhertighterand

whisperedinherearthatshewasn’talone.

“I’mherenowsoyoucango,”Mikeinformedme,butIwasn’tgoinganywhere.

Ididn’twanttoleave.Iwasquitecomfortableandthegripshehadonmewasstrong.Idoubtshe

wouldletgoatthispoint.IthadbeenalongtimesinceI’veheldawomaninmyarms.Evenunderthe

circumstances,thisfeltrighttome.“Itried.Shewon’tletmego.Ithinkshe’shavinganightmare.”

Ashtonsnuggledcloser,whichIwasn’tsurewasevenpossiblebutshedid.Thensheletoutasigh.

Mikecameuptothebedandleanedin.“Wherethefuckareherglasses!”

Ifhewakesherup;we’vegotproblems.Toanswerhisquestion,Ipointedtothenightstand.

“Thisisnotgood.Don’tlookather,especiallyherface,Lincoln.I’mtellingyoushe’sgonnafreak

thefuckoutwhenshewakesup.”Hestartedpacingtheroom.“Shit.Shit.Shit.I’mneverherewhenshe

needsme.Goddamnit!”Icouldtellhewasrakinghishandsthroughhisshorthairandpacingattheend

ofthebed.

“Mikedude,seriously.YouwakeherupandI’llkickyourass.”

Sheneededthesleepandconsideringsheonlybeenoutaboutthirtyminutes,heneededtochillthe

fuckoutandletherrest.

Hestoppedandglaredatme.Hisfacewastenseandwhenhespoke,hebarelyopenedhismouth.

“She’smysister.Mybabysister.Youdon’tknowanything,andI’mtellingyou,Lincoln,thisisnotgood

man.Fuck,I’mworriedabouther.”Heendedonasoftnoteandsatdownontheothersideofthebed.

Hedroppedhisheadinhishands,andhisshouldersbegantoshake.

Itwasmellow,butIknewMikewascrying.Iwasn’tgoingtosayanything.Heneededtodealwith

hisemotionsandgethimselftogetherbeforeshewokeup.Wecoulddealwiththeconsequencesaftershe

wokeup.

Ialsowouldn’tlookatherface.AsmuchasIwantedtoknow,Iwouldrespectherprivacy.Imean,

Ishouldn’tbehereanyway.ButwhatkindofmanwouldIbeifIdidnothing?

IwasgoingtolayhereandholdAshtonuntilshewokeup.

Nickwouldhavetohandletheclubonhisown.

Ashtonneededme.

Chapter7-Ashton

AsIdriftedawake,silencegreetedme,lettingmeknowthatitwasbeforemyninea.malarm.Ilaid

still,notwantingtogetupanyway.It’srarethatMikestaysallnightwithmebutyesterdaywasdifficult,

andIwashappyIhadhim.Itmightseemweirdforatwenty-four-year-oldtobeinthesamebedasher

olderbrotherbutitwaspurelyformyownsanity.Hewastakingcareofme.He’sherewhenIneededhim

andsometimesIneededhimmoreoftenthannot.NotonlyamIsafebutIfeelloved.

He’sallIhaveleft.

Our parents passed away two years ago. They were hit by a drunk driver, one mile from home. I

lockedmyselfinmyroomuntilIhadtomove.Ididn’tevengototheirfuneral;Ijustdidn’tknowhowto

copewiththeirloss.I’mahorribledaughter,butIcouldn’tdealwithit.Iwasalittlelostthatweek,butI

knew my parents would understand. They had always been so kind and patient with me since I was

returnedhome.Theyhadneverstoppedlookingforme.Theynevergaveuponfindingmebecausethey

knewintheirheartsthatIwasstillalive

IwasthankfulIhadthosefouryearswiththemafterIwasrescued.

Itwasahardadjustmentformetomovefromourfamilyhometothisapartment.Mike,alongwith

Suzanne’shelp,madeitalittleeasier,though.Theapartmentbuildingwasonlyaboutthirtyminutesfrom

wherewehadgrownup.MymomusedtodrivemetomyappointmentswithSuzanne.Itwashardbeing

inavehiclebutasthemonthsandyearspassed,itgoteasier.Iwouldlistentomusicorread;anythingto

keepmyfocusoffthefactIwasinavehicle.

Afterthemove,IcouldwalktoSuzanne’soffice.ItwasoneofthetimesinmylifeIhadfeltluck

wasonmyside.Ididn’tthinkIwasready,butIforcedmyselfthatfirstMondaytogo;IneededSuzanne,

soIhadnochoice.

Suzanne is the only person who knows everything about me. I didn’t have the heart to tell my

parentsormybrother.Theydidn’tneedtoknoweverything.TheyworriedenoughandIdidn’twantthose

imagesorthoughtstohauntthemliketheydome.Therewasnopoint,nothingcouldhavebeendoneto

changewhathappenedtomethosethreeyearsIwasgone.

ItoldtheonlypersonIcould.IknowthisiswhySuzanneissoimportanttome.Shedoesn’ttreat

medifferentorlookatmefunny.Shedoesn’tpitymeeither.

ShetellsmeallthetimesheforgetsthatIhavescars;likeshecan’tseethemanymore.

ButmostimportantlyshepushesmeandasmuchasIcomplain,Iknowitsbest.

She’smorethanjustmytherapist.

HiscalmbeatingheartwasallIcouldhearintheroom.Therhythmwassoothing,andasmallsmile

hitmylips.Itookadeepbreathinandletitoutslowly.

IhadbeendreamingofLincoln.Idon’trememberwhatitwasabout,butIrememberseeinghisface

andhisblueeyesbeforeitwentdark.I’msurprisedIevenhadadream;usually,Idon’tbecauseIliveand

sleepinthedarkness.

Ishiftedmyrightarmtopreventitfrombeingsoreinthemorning.ThenIadjustedmylegalittleto

getanideaofwhat’sgoingon.Bothlegsfelttangledupwithhis.Myleftarmwaslyingacrosshiswaist

andmyheadwastuckedintohischest.

NormallyMikeandIdon’tspoonandIkindoffeellikeI’mspooningrightnow.

IneededtomoveandItried,butthenwhathappenedearlierhitme.

Ihadpassedout.Hissister.OhGod,Linc’ssisterwasthere.ThenLincshowedup.

IrubbedmyheadintoMike’schest.Iwasn’twearingmyglasses.Idon’twhenIsleepbutwhatif

theyhadfallenoffduringmypanicattack?Didtheyseemyface?

No, Mike wouldn’t let that happen. He would have protected me. But still, this is embarrassing.

HowamIgoingtoexplainittothemsotheydon’tthinkI’mafreak?

Wait,Iamafreak.

I should have been able to keep it together. Natalie was being nice. She talked too much, but she

wasnice.Ilikedhercolors.Brightcolors.Shewassurroundedbythem.

Theenergy.Herenergy!Ilikedherenergymore.NowIwascurious.Iwantedtoseethemagain.

“ShhhAshton,you’reok,”Mikewhispered,andIfelthishandonmyback.Istilledandsqueezed

myeyesshutashardasIcould.

Thiswasn’tMike.

Thiswasn’tMike!

MybreathingbecameerraticasIkeptmyeyesclosedtight,andpulledmyhandstomyface.

“You’resafe.Igotyou,”hecontinuedtowhisperashishandrubbedmyback.

WhythehellamIinbedwithLincoln?

I’mhavinganightmare.

That’swhatthisis.

Anightmare.

Thisisn’treal.

Justbreathe.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

Hishandkeptrubbingmybackanditfeltrealandgentle.Washetryingtorelievemystress?Calm

medown?Ifthiswereanightmare,thenhewouldn’tbemakingmefeelthisway.

WhatdoIdo?

Breathe.

Thatprobablywasthebestthingtodo.

“Igotyou,”hesaidalittlelouderthistime.“Ipromiseyou’reokay,Ashton.”

Ifoundmyvoice,itwasn’tmuchbutitworked.“Whatdoyoumean?”

“I won’t look, I haven’t. I didn’t see anything.” He let out a sigh. “Mike told me you wouldn’t

handle this well, waking up with me let alone not wearing your glasses. I tried to leave you but you

wouldn’tletme.”Hekeptrubbingmyback.“Youwouldn’tletmego,soIstayed.Mike’sonthecouch.

You’resafe.Please,justknowyou’reokay.”

Mike’s always been my comfort zone. He’s my healer. He knows me, he knows my triggers, and

he’stheonlyonethatgetstocomfortme.

Thiswaswrong,verywrongbutatthesametime,Iwasn’tmoving.Itookanotherdeepbreathin

andout.

Whywasn’tIrunningaway?

“Are you okay?” he asked and I felt his body start to move. I held my head tighter in my hands.

“Don’tmove,”Iwhimpered.“Ishouldberunningawayfromyouorkickingyourassforbeinginmybed,

butforsomereason,Ican’tmove.”

“Okay.”

Move.

“Ineedtoknowthetime,”Isaidandfelthisheadtiltslightlyawayfromme.

“Whatthefuck,”hemumbled.

“Oh God, what’s wrong?” I asked into my hands. “Is it the clock? Did it break? Linc, I need to

knowwhattimeitis!”

“ShitAshton,I’msorry.It’salittleafterthreea.m.”Ifelthisheaddipbackdownandhehuggedme

harder.“I’msorry.Ididn’tthinkitwasthislate.Orearly.Itjustcaughtmeoffguard.”

Hesoundedsosincere,Ibelievedhim.

Talktohim.

Distractyourself.

“Whywereyoucaughtoffguard?”Iaskedcuriously,butmoreformybenefit.Ineededtoknowwhy

Iwasallowingmyselftojustlayhereinthisbedwithhim.MaybeI’dfinallywentcrazy.Beyondcrazy.

“We’vebeenlikethisalldaybutthelasttimeIlookeditwasaroundninep.m.I’mprettysureIfell

asleepsoonafterthatwhichmeansIsleptlongerthanfourhours.Ineversleeplongerthanfourhours.I

haven’tsincemy…well,foraverylongtime.”

“Youmusthavebeentired.”Withthosewords,IwasrewardedwiththemostbeautifulsoundI’ve

everheard. I wasn’tsure what wasso funny, but Lincolnlaughed. His wholebody vibrated against me

softly.Itwaslikemusictomyears.Icouldn’texplainitreallybecauseI’mnotgoodwithdetailsbutit

almostmademewanttolaughwithhim.Likehislaughwascontagious.

Imadehimlaugh.Me!Ididthat.

Ididn’tsayanythingfunny,though.

Ishookmyheadatmyself.

Thisisn’tme.Idon’tmakepeoplelaugh,I’mnotfunny.

Thiscouldn’tbereal.

It’sreal.

Iwantedtomakepeoplelaugh.Iwantedtowakeupinthearmsofamanwhocaredforme,loved

me,andthoughtIwasbeautiful.Iwantedallthosethings,butIknewitwasn’tpossible.Iwouldn’thave

thatkindoflife.

I’mafreak.

Afucked-upfreakwithsomanyissues,issuesevenIcan’thandlesowhywouldhebeableto?Why

wouldanyonewanttodealwithme?

AftereverythingI’veexperienced,IknewIcouldneveractuallybenormal.Icametotermswith

that a long time ago. But maybe just maybe, there’s a piece of normal out there that I could be. Like a

fuckedup,scarred,broken,damagedwomanwithtoomuchanxietyandcontrolissueskindofnormal.

Ihatethewaymybrainworks.

Ihatethewaystupidthingsseemrealandlogicaltome.

“Ashton,”Lincolnwhisperedinmyear.

WhywasIstillinbedwithhim?

Thehandrubbingmybackwasnowsiftingthroughmyhair.“Itookthetieoutofyourhair.Ihope

thatwasokay.Ididn’twantyoutosleepwithitin.SomethingIlearnedhavingayoungersister.”

Therewassomethingwrongwithwhatwasgoingonbetweenthetwoofus,butIwascomfortable.

However,notknowingmyfeelingsorunderstandingasituationwasatriggerforme.

“I’msorry.Ican’tdothis,Lincoln.Idon’tknowhow.I’msoconfusedrightnow.Ishouldbehaving

apanicattack,notlayingherehavingaconversationwithyou.Idon’tgetit.Anyofit.Ijustcan’t.I’m

sorry.It’stoomuchforme.There'resomanythingsgoingthroughmyheadrightnow,andIcan’tdealwith

anyofit.”

“Pleasedon’tcry,”hepleaded.

Iwantedtojumpoutofbedandrun,butmybodystillwouldn’tmove.Itwassupposedtoprotect

mebutitwasn’tcooperating.Hewouldhavetobetheonetoleave.Hewouldhavetoleaveme.

OhGod.IwasdreamingofLincoln.Irememberitnow.Ibeggedhimnottoleaveme.Butthatwas

adream.Notreallife.AndwhywouldIbeghimnottoleaveme?

“Youneedtobestrongerthanthedarknessthatsurroundsyou.”

Howdidheknow?

HiswordshitmehardandIknewtheywereimportantandmeantsomuch,butIpushedthemaside.

Iwanttobereadybutatthesametime,Idon’t.FacingmypastwouldbejustashardasthethreeyearsI

spentwiththeDevil.

“Iwanttogettoknowyou,Ashton.”

Ialmostlaughed.“Trustme,youdon’t.”

Hesighedbutcontinuedtoplaywithmyhair.“Idon’twanttocauseyoutohaveapanicattack,but

therearethingsIwanttosharewithyou.Fornow,though,Ijustwanttobeyourfriend.Ifthat’sokaywith

you.I’dlovetobeyourfriend.”

“Why,Lincoln?Idon’tgetit.I’veignoredyouformonths.”

“Honestly?”

InoddedandIfelthimshrug.“Idon’tknowhowtoexplainit.”

“Nowyousoundlikeme.”HechuckledandIcontinued,“Ihavethehardesttimeexplainingthings.

ThewayIthink…myactions…thewayIlivemylife.Trustme,Lincoln,youdon’twanttobefriends

withme.”

Allthistalkingwassuchagreatdistraction.

“Ashton.”Icouldtellhewassmiling.IwantedtoseehissmilebutIdidn’tlook.“Doyourealize

I’velearnedmoreaboutyouthelastfifteenminutesthanIhavethelasttwomonths?”

“HowcouldIforgetaboutmystalker?”

Please,neverstop.

“Youneveraskedmetostop.”

“AnotherthingIcan’texplain,”Isaid,slowlyremovingmyhandsfrommyface.Ilookedupathim

throughthedarkandsawthathiseyeswereclosedandhisheadwasheldhighonthepillow.Hewasn’t

tryingtolook.Herespectedme.

“Well,nowwehaveonethingincommon.”

“Yes,wedo,”Iconfirmedsoftly.

Butthat’sprobablyallwe’lleverhave.

Lincoln

IwasheadedintoNick’sofficeattheclubandsawNatwascomingout.Shehadasatisfiedgrinon

herfaceandhercheekslookedalittleflushed.“Hey,Linc,”shesaidasshepassedmewithoutmakingeye

contact.Shehadherfirstshifttonight.ItwasalsothefirsttimeshehadseenNickintwoyears.

ItwasFridaynight,butearlierthismorningIhadtoforcemyselftoleaveAshton'sbed.Shesaid

shehadtowaituntilheralarmwentoffatninebeforeshecouldgetoutofbed,andthat’swhensheasked

metoleave.

Priortothat,sheputhersunglassesonasthesuncameup.Shehadthickcurtainssoitwasn’tthat

brightinherroom,butitstillworriedher.Thesheetwasalsooverherheadwhileshewaitedformeto

leavetheroom.

Shedoesn’tthinkshecouldbemyfriendletaloneanythingmoreserious.Iknewwewerekeeping

theconversationinasafezoneandthatwasfinebyme.TherewerethingsIwasn’treadytosharewith

hereither.Littlewassaidafterourthreea.m.conversation.

Evenwhenweweren’ttalking,Isoakeditallin.Ihadneverbeensocomfortablewithsomeonein

suchashortamountoftime.

We made no plans to talk or hang out between now and Monday. She said she needed time and I

wouldgivethattoher.Eitherway,shesaidshewouldseemeonMonday.ThatwasallIneededtoknow.

Ialwayshadsomethingtolookforwardto.

WhenIenteredNick’soffice,hewasstandingbehindthedeskwithhishandspressedflatagainst

it.Hisheadhunglowandhewasmumblingabunchofshittohimself.Noneofitmadesense.

“What’s wrong?” I asked and sat in one of the wooden chairs across from his desk. “Is there a

problemwithNatortheschedule?”

Hedidn’tmoveandcalmlyasked,“Whatthefuckhappenedtoyoursister?”

“NothinghappenedtoNat.Whatareyoutalkingabout?”

Hepushedupfromthedeskandshothishandtothedoor.“Sheneverlookedlikethat!”

Iwasconfused.Mysisterlookedthesameexceptherhairislonger.Muchlongeractually.

“Lookedlikewhat?”

Herubbedhishandsoverhisfaceandsatdown.“Don’tkickmyass.”

“Okay?”

Now he was wringing his hands together. He was jittery. Nick’s never like this. “Remember, I’m

yourbestfriend.”

“Notifyoudon’ttellmewhyyouhaveaproblemwithNat.”

Hepoundedhisheadonthedesk.Jesus,hewasbeingalittledramatic.

HeliftedhisheadandIgavehimmyfullattentionwhilehetalked.“I’vealwaysthoughtofNatalie

asayoungersister.Butthewomanthatjustleftmyofficeisnotlittlesistermaterial.Somethingchanged

thelastfewyears,andthatgirlisfuckinghot.Assoonasshewalkedintomyoffice,mydickgothard.I

could barely contain myself. She lost those big thick glasses of hers. She lost the braces. Her hair,” he

balleduphishandintoafistandbithisknuckles,“fuckme,herhairisdowntoherass!Thenshestrutted

inherewiththosedamnstrippershoesmakingherlegslookamilefuckinglong.Herass,themtits-”

“Damn it, Nick,” I growled at him, “that’s my baby sister! Stop talking about her body. That’s

fuckinggross,man.”

Thiswasnotgood.NickandNatnevergotalong.Hewasalwaysteasingher.Myparentscouldn’t

affordadecentpairofglassesandNatwasalmostblind.Shewasstuckwithagawkylookingpairthat

werewaytoobigforherlittleface.Andthebraces,oh,thebraces.Yetanothermuch-neededexpensethat

myparentsstruggledtoprovide.Aftershehadlostherbabyteeth,somecameinlookingimpacted,while

otherswerecrooked.Dullgraycoveredherteethforthreelongyears,andshesufferedmorethanshelet

on.

Iguessshelooksalotdifferentwithoutthem.

“Don’tfuckinggothere,Nick,”Iwarned.“Youalwaysteasedher.Shit,I’msurprisedshejumpedat

thisjob.Youwerekindofadicktoher.”

“Iwasn’tthatbad.”Hetriedplayingitoff,butIknewbetter.

“Notreally,butstill,youalwaysteasedher.Ishouldhavekickedyourassbackthen.”

“Ha!Youkickmyass?Puh-leeeeease.”

Ihadagoodthirtypoundsonhimandheknewit.Wewouldfightjusttofightsometimes.Heloved

watchingMMAandIthinksecretlyhewouldhavelovedthatlife.

“Don’tfuckwithNat.You’veneverbeenseriousaboutanyone,andshedeservesserious.She’sa

goodperson.”

“She’stheonewhowalkedinhereandstuckhertonguedownmythroat!”

Mymouthdroppedopen.Noway.MybabysisterhadacrushonNick?Orwasshejustgettingback

at him because he used to tease her? She’s only twenty-two, and as much as I like my best friend, she

deservedbetter.

Ihopeshe’sjustfuckingwithhim.Hedeservedthat.

“ShelookedalittleflushedwhenIpassedheroutside.”

“Shebetterbeaftersheattackedme!”

“I don’t want to hear about this. Besides, you can’t do anything. Your most valuable rule is that

employeesdon’tmessaroundwitheachother.You’reherbosssothatwouldbeevenworse.”

Heletoutafrustratedgrunt.“Itriedtellingherthat,butshegrabbedmydic-”

I jumped out of the chair. “Whoa!” I shoved my hand towards him. “Jesus Nick, I don’t want to

knowthatshit.You’renotallowedtotalktomeanymoreaboutmysisterifitinvolvespartsofyourbody.

I’mgoingtowork.”Iranoutthedoor,butthefuckerstillgotthelastwordin.

“IneedacoldshowerLinc,mydick’sstillhard!”

Imademywaytothebar.Itwasstillearlysotheplacewasn’tbusyrightnow.InoticedNatatthe

serverstationtalkingtoJonathan.Hewasgrinningatmybabysisterandrakinghiseyesoverherchest.

Pervert.

IsliduptoNatandhipcheckedher.“SohowdidyourreuniongowithNick?”

Shegrabbednapkinsandputthemonhertray.

Sheshruggedhershoulders.“Fine.”

“I heard it was fine also.” I slipped my arm around her shoulders and leaned in so no one else

couldhearus.“I’mnotgoingtotellyouhowtoliveyourlife,whotodate,orgetinyourway.Inever

have.Justremember,babysister,you’renotallowedtodateyourcoworkers,especiallytheboss.”

Shetwistedherheadandshotmeadeceitfulgrin.“Whosaidanythingaboutdating?”

“Hooking up, messing around, it’s all the same. You’ll get fired.” The little brat would push her

luck.Nick’sagreatguybuthedoesn’ttakewomenseriously.Idon’twantNatgettinghurt.NotthatNick

woulddoanythingonpurpose,butI’veseenfirsthandthedevastatedwomenhe’sleftbehindonmorethan

oneoccasion.Theyallclaimtolovehimafterjustonenight.

“I’m a big girl, Linc. I know what I’m doing.” She wiggled free and grabbed her tray. “Now if

you’llexcuseme,”sheglancedatsomethingbehindme,“I’vegotsometipstomake.”

Iwatchedherconfidentlywalkovertoatablefullofmen.Shehadherbacktome,butinlessthana

minute,everysingleguyatthattablewaslaughingwithher.That’smyNatalie.Peoplearedrawntoher

likeamagnet,whichiswhyI’msureshe’llhavethehighesttipsofallthewaitresses.Notbad,especially

withnotraining,sincenooneisshadowinghertonight.

WhenIspokewithNatonTuesdaynight,shedidnothesitatetoacceptthejoboffer.Shehadbeen

readyforamonthtomovebutyesterdaywhenIwalkedintothebuilding,Iwassurprised.Natappeared

notonlytobetalkingtoAshton,butshewasonlyafootawayfromherdoor.Ihadnevermadeitthatfar.

Everythingafterthathappenedsofast.IexplainedwhatIcouldaboutAshton;sheagreedshewas

shy but there was probably a lot more to it than that. I had a gut feeling that Ashton suffered from a

traumatic event in her life, worse than mine. I hoped that one day we would both be able to share our

storiesandmoveon,maybetogether.

ThepullIhavetowardsherhasgrownimmenselysincelastnight.I’vethoughtaboutherallday;I

can’tstopbutIdon’twantto,either.Herhairwassosoftandlongandmyhandsachetotouchheragain.

She also has the plumpest set of lips I’ve ever seen on a woman. They looked soft and inviting even

thoughIknowshedoesn’twantthemtobe.

IknowIsaidIjustwantedtobefriendsbutI’mhopingsomedayitmightbecomemore.

I dipped below the bar door and made a list of what needed to be stocked for the night. It was

FridaysoIusuallydoubleduponalotofthepopularliquorsandbeers.

JonathancameoverandstartedaconversationIdidnotwanttohave.

“Soyoursister…”hetrailedoff.

“Youknowtherules.Besides,she’sthebiggestlesbianIknow.”

HismouthdroppedopenandhelookedbackatNatwhowasstillatthetablewiththeguys.“No

way.Allthegirlssaythatshithere.”

“You don’t believe me?” I said standing up. “I’m her brother, man. I grew up and lived with her

mostofmylife.Trustme.She’salesbian.”

“Huh,” he muttered as he rubbed his jaw. Jonathan wasn’t Nat’s type anyway. She liked her men

tallerthanher,andJonathanwasn’t.Hisshaggyblondehairwastoolong,buthekeptitinaponytailat

work.IwassurprisedNickdidnotmakehimcutit.

“Trustmeonthisone,”ItoldhimasIpattedhisbackandwalkedoff.“Don’twasteyourtime.”

Lilywascominginattenandwouldhelpmeagain.Itwasn’tahardjobandshepreferreditover

waitressingbecauseshewasshy.

I got a few stacks together before she showed up and within the hour, the club was packed. Our

secondbartendercameinateleventohelpJonathan.TheVIPbarupstairsonlyneededonebartender,and

Iwasn’tsurewhowasuptheretonight.Thenightpassedwithnoincidents,andIwasright,Natmadethe

mosttips—onehundredandsixtydollarsmorethanJen,whoisnormallytheonewhorakesinthemost

tips.

AnditwasonlyNatalie’sfirstnight.

Natpulledherheelsoffwhenwegotinsidethetruck.Ididn’tunderstandhowshelastedallnight

withthoseshoeson,butshedid.Natalwayshadathingforshoes.Onesuitcaseshebroughtwasfullof

nothingbutthem.AfterNatwasinbed,IslippedoutthedoorandwenttoAshton’sapartment.Ireadthe

noteIwroteheronemoretimebeforeIslippeditunderherdoor.

Chapter8-Ashton

GoodMorning,Ashton!

Ihopeyou’reokwiththisnote.

Ifnot,Iapologizeinadvanceandyoucantossit.

(Afteryoureadit,ofcourse)

Ihopeyou’rewell.

Ithoughtaboutyouallday.

IlookforwardtoseeingyouonMonday.

Linc

I’vereadhisnoteatleastahundredtimestoday,anditwasonlynoon.

Icouldn’tstopthinkingabouthimandwhathappenedyesterday,IeventalkedtoMikeabouthimfor

theentirefourhoursofmyfreetime.Mikewasalwayssupportingme,neverjudgingme,andonlywanted

me to be happy. He was my rock, protector,andhealer.Hetoldme—eventhoughhedidnotknow

Lincolnthatwell—anymanthatcouldmakemeglowafterallthistimehadhisapproval.

IknewIwasn’tglowingandthatMikewasjustbeingagoodbrother,butIhadapermanentsmile

allday.

Imadeprogress.ProgressthatIfeltgoodabout.Icouldfeelit.

Thesefeelings,whicharehardtounderstandandnowaycanIdecipherthematthismoment,were

allnewtome.Iwasmakingafriend.

Youwantmorethanfriendship.

I was a virgin when I was kidnapped at fifteen. I hadn’t even held hands with a boy, let alone

experiencemyfirstkiss.DespiteeverythingtheDevildidtome,heneverkissedme.That’stheonlything

henevertookfromme.

Thesefeelingsthatwerestartingtostirandcometolifewerescaringtheshitoutofme,soIwasn’t

goingdownmemorylanetoday.Thiswasenoughtodealwith.

It was now two minutes past noon and normally I would have started my activity by now, but I

hadn’tpickedupastickynote.Iwasn’tevensureiftherewasoneonthefloorbecauseIhadtapedthem

backuponthewall.

Iwasstillatwarwithmyself.

AwarIstillwasn’tsureIwouldwintoday.

Gotohim.

I liked being in control and having everything planned, that’s how I function and get through my

days.

It’sallIknowhowtodo.

Rightnow,Ifeellikeatidalwaveformedandisabouttocrashintome.It’sbeenbuildingfastthese

lastfewminutes,andIfeellikeatanyminute,itwillcrashdownonmeandI’lllosethefight.

Threeminutespastnoon.

Myfingersache,andIrealizethatI’vebeengrippingtheislandcounter.Igripitharder,watching

themturnwhite.

Icoulddothis.

Icandothis.

I’mdoingthis!

“Icanbespontaneous,”Isaiditoutloudlikethatwasgoingtohelp.

The second right before I’m about to let my grip on the island go, a loud pounding on the door

startled me so bad that when I spun around towards the door, my arm hit the glass vase I had on it. It

shattered, and I watched the glass rain down on the floor. The vase had always been empty, almost

beggingformetofinallyputsomeflowersinit.

“Ashton!Open up. It’sMike,” he yelledbut I already knewit was him.“Jesus Ashton, what was

that?Fuck!”

EventhoughMikehadakeytomyapartment,hewasnomatchformytriple-chainlock.However,I

also did not want him busting down my door—that would be inconvenient and mess up the rest of my

schedule.

“Holdon!”Iyelledback.

I stepped over the glass and went to the door. I saw Mike, with Lincoln standing behind him,

throughthepeephole.Isawhislipsmove,buthiswordsweretoosoft,toomuffled.Whateveritwashe

said,Mikenodded.

Myglasses!Irantomyroom,grabbedthemoffthedresser,andshovedthemonmyfacebeforeI

ranbacktothedoor.

Youwanttoseethem.

Bothofthem.

Don’tpanic.

Itookadeepbreathinandslidthetopchain.

“GoodjobAshton,dothenextone,”Mikeencouraged.

Islidthesecondchain.

Icantotallydothis.

“Onemore,Ashton,”hecontinuedtocoachme.

Anotherbreathin,anotherchainunlocked.

Itwistedthedeadboltandtookanotherdeepbreath.

Mike,Iknewfromexperience,alreadyhadhishandonthehandle,soitdidnotsurprisemehow

fastthedooropened.Isteppedbackandloweredmyhead.Forsomereason,Icouldn’tlookateitherof

themastheybothstormedin.

“Whatthehelldidyoudo?”MikeaskedasIsecuredthedoor.

IlookedatMikebutcouldn’tspeak.IfeltlikeIwasintrouble,butIdidn’twantthevasetobreak;

itwasanaccident.

“I…”Bothofthemstaredatme.Mike’sfistswereonhishipswhileLincolnstoodstudyingme.I

tookaminutetolookatLincoln,noticinghisbarechestandhisredbasketballshorts.

Red!

IfeellikeI’veneverseenthecolorredbefore.ButIknowIhave.Iusedtowatchitbleedoutofmy

bodyduringmycuttingdays.

I’mkindofconfusedrightnow,andmyarmhurtfromwhereithitthevase.

“I’msorry,Ashton.”Mikegrabbedmyfacewithbothhands.Hewasalwayscarefulofmyglasses.

“Iwasworried.I’mnotmad.”

Isuckedinahugeamountofair–shit,Ididn’trealizeIhadstoppedbreathing.

“Oh fuck,” Lincoln said and then he was at my side. Mike stepped back and Lincoln grabbed my

arm.

“Whatthefuck,Ashton!”Mikeroared.

Ilookeddownatmyarm,therightonethatLincolnheld.

Iwasbleeding.

Ishookmyhead.“No,Mike.Ididn’t.”

Myheart.Ithurt.

Ifelteverybeatdesperatelytryingtoescapemychest.

Icouldn’tbreatheasLincolntookmyhandanddraggedmedownthehallway.

“Doesshehaveafirstaidkit?”Lincolnaskedoverhisshoulder.

“Underthesink,”Mikerepliedfrombehindme.“JesusAshton,Ithoughtyouweregettingbetter.”

Gently,Lincolnpushedmedownonthetoiletseat,grabbedthefirstaidkit,andsetitonthecounter.

“Ashton!”

Istillcouldn’tlookathimwhenIwhispered,“Ididn’t,Iswear.”

Feeling my cheek get wet with tears made me even more embarrassed. My stomach was rolling

withnausea,knowinghedidn’tbelieveawordIsaid.

“It’srightbytheotherone,”hepointedout.Ilookedatmyarmrestingonmythigh.Isawtheold

scars,thentheclearcutrightaboveonefromyearsago.Hehadeveryrighttobeworried.Iknewwhatit

lookedlike;hell,Idon’tevenknowifIwouldbelievemeafteralltheshitIputhimthrough.

Thiswasnotgood.

Mybreathingwasshortandfast.

Iwasgettinglightheaded.

Blackdotscloudedmyvision.

Myearswereringing,Ifeltcoolsweatpoolonmylowerbackandforehead.

Thepanickedmumblingnoisethatescapedmylipsdidn’tmakesensetoanyone.

Hepulledmeoffthetoiletandsatusbothonthefloor.Mybackwastohischest,andLincolnthen

satonthetoiletseatandgrabbedmyarm.Helaiditonhislegandfinishedcleaningmyarm.

“She’saboutreadytopassout,Lincoln.Justdoyourbest.”Mike’svoicesoundedimpossiblyfar

away,butIcouldhearthehurtinhistone.

“Igotyou,Ashton,”Lincolnsaidandasmallsmiletuggedathislips.

IknowwhyMikefreakedout,IknowwhyI’mpanicking,butwhyisn’tLincoln?Howcanhebeso

calm,cool,andcollected?Didhenotseemyotherscarsandputtwoandtwotogether?It’sdisgusting,

justliketheothersbutthatone,theonesmoothscarthatranfromthetipofmypalmandupmyarm, I did

tomyself.

Icouldn’tblametheDevilforthatscar.

###

TherewasnowayformetoknowhowlongIhadbeeninhell.

Therewasnoclocktotellthetime.

Therewasnowindowtoletthesunshineinorletmeknowwhennighthadfallen.

Iwasdruggedwhentheytookme,soIwasn’tevensurehowlongIhadbeengone.Itcouldhave

beendaysorweeks,Ihadnoclue.Butitfeltlikealifetime.

The cold metal bedframe was bolted to the floor. It matched the same rusted looking chain that

wrappedaroundmyrightankleandwassecuredtothefloor.Thechainwasonlylongenoughformeto

justmakeittothetoiletandbarelyletmereachthesink.

Theroomwasentirelyconcrete,eventhedoor.Theonlythingonthewalls,besidesthedirt,wasa

smallventintheupperleft-handcorneroftheroom.

ThedoorwasimmediatelylockedeverytimetheDevillefttheroom.

I had one pillow, one small blanket that didn’t cover my body, and was only given a t-shirt and

pantiestowear.

Thatwasit.

Thatwasmylife.

Therewasn’tevenamirrorabovethesink.

Nothing.

Ihadnothing.

Iwasaloneexceptformythoughts.

Iwasaloneexceptforwhenashroudedmanwouldtossunappetizingmealsintomyroom.

IwasaloneexceptforthetimeshevisitedmewhenIsilentlybeggedhimtogoaway.

Alone.

Igaveupaftertheninthvisit.

IwaswaitingformynextmealtoexecutetheonlyplanIcouldfollowthroughwith.Ineededthe

plasticspoon.Itwasmyonlychance.Mylasthope.

Itwouldfreeme.

The door opened, and the plastic plate was tossed inside just like the other times. The door

slammed shut, and I sprang from the bed. My fingertips just brushed the rim of the plate. I steadied my

handandslowedmyracingheartsoIwouldn’taccidentlypushitfartherawayandcompletelyoutofmy

reach.Igrabbedthespoonandcrawledbackontothebed.

Iwasonlyfifteen,butIwasn’tstupid.

Ibrokethespooninhalf.

Ihadmykneespulledtomychest,andmyarmrestedonmythighandstaredatmyfreedom.Iknew

IhadlittletimebecausehealwayscametovisitmeafterIate.

Iwasalreadyinhell,soIfiguredIhadagoodchanceofgoingtoHeavenafterIdied.

I rubbed my finger against the sharpest edge of the broken spoon. It was enough to do what I

intendedtodo.

Ifeltnothing.NothingcouldhurtworsethanwhattheDevildidtome.Iscrapedanddugintomy

armasfastandhardasIcould.Iwasbleeding,butIkeptgoing.Iwantedittoend.

Therewassomuchblood.Thesicklycoppersmelltickledmynoseanditfeltslightlywarmasit

seepedoutofmydirty,brokenskin.

Istoppedandwatcheditrundownmyarm.Itfascinatedmeforthebriefestofmoments.

Ialreadyfeltfree.

Istaredatthedoor;Ibeggeditnottoopen.

Ibegged.

RightbeforeIpassedout,theDevilopenedthedoor.

Onceagainhestolemyfreedomfromme.

###

“Ashton,wakeup!”Ifeltsomeoneshakemyshoulders.

Iwasstartledandfeltmybodyjolt.WasIcrying?Ihadnothadadreamorflashbackforovera

year. I hated having them. They always made me feel dirty afterward. I hated the memories and wish I

could burn them from my brain. Maybe then it would be easier for me. I would give anything to forget

thosethreeyears.

Iwipedmytearsandrealizedmyglasseswereoff.

“Myglasses!”Icriedout.

“It’sMike.Don’tworry.”Hesqueezedme,andIrealizedwewereinmybedandjusthowdarkit

was.Imusthavebeenoutofitforawhile.

“Mike,Ididn’t.Iswearitwasanaccident.”Ikeptcrying.HeneededtoknowIwouldneverdothat

again.AsmuchasIhatedmylifeandthewayIlived,Iwouldneverdothatagain.

“Iknow,Ashton.Fuck,I’msorry.I’msosorry.I’malwaysmessingup.”

Isatup.“What?”

Hesatup.“Ikeepprovokingyourpanicattacks,”hesaidsoftly.

Ishookmyheadno.“I’mjustfuckedup,Mike.Youknowthat.Ithasnothingtodowithyou.”

“Yes,Ashtonitdoes.”

“StopMike.It’snotyourfault,”Istressed.

Hewasquietforafewminutes,andIwonderedwhereLincolnwas.Ididn’task,though.I’msure

I’vescaredhimaway.Ifeltmyarmanditwaswrappedingauze.

“CanItalktoyouaboutthatday?”Mikewhispered.

“Why?”

“Ashton,it’smyfault.IwassupposedtocomepickyouupthatnightbutIwentoffdrinkinginstead.

I hated you walking at night, remember?” I nodded and he continued, “I was supposed to be there. I

fuckedup.It’smyfault,Ashton.I’msosorry.”

Ipulledhimintoahugwhenhestartedcrying.

Itwasn’thisfault.Hehadnoideawhatwouldhappen.Noonedid.

“We’vebeenthroughthisintherapy,Mike.Youcan’tblameyourself.Itwasn’tyourfault.Ishould

havestayedorcalledMomandDad,butIchosetowalkhome.Ifit’sanyone’sfault,it'smine.Notyours,

notanyoneelse.Mine.Justmine.”

“I’myourolderbrother.Itwasmyjobtoprotectyou,andIfailed.”

“Pleasedon’tgodownthatroadagain.”MyparentsalongwithMikedidn’tlikemewalkinghome

atnighteventhoughweonlylivedsixblocksawayfromwhereIhadbeenbabysitting.Iwassavingupfor

acar.Iwantedaniceoneandhadbeensavingmoneyforyears.Imademoremoneybabysittingonthe

weekends,andthat’swhatIhadbeendoingthatnight.

Thenightthatchangedmylife.

I was a little upset that night when Mike answered the phone and it was clear he was drunk. I

figuredsinceIwasfifteen,Iwasoldenoughtowalkthesixblockshome.

Worstfuckingdecisionofmylife.

“I’msorry,Ashton,”hesaidagain.

“SoamI.Please,Mike,don’tblameyourself.”

He pulled away and wiped his face on his shirt. “I won’t blame myself if you don’t blame

yourself.”

“You got me there, big brother.” I figured I would change the subject and explain about the vase.

“When you knocked on the door it scared me so bad that when I spun around, I whacked the vase by

accident.Ididn’tevenknowIhadcutmyself.”

Heshookhishead,andthecryinghadstoppedforthebothofus.“Whenyoudidn’tcallatnoon,I

decided to come check on you. I thought maybe you’d cheat today, that maybe you needed me. I don’t

know,”heshruggedashoulder,“Ithoughtsomethingwaswrong.”

Mybrotherwassuchagoodguy.“Nothingwaswrong.Iwastryingtodosomethingdifferenttoday.

Suzannewantsmetostartpushingmyselfmore.”

“You’rethebravestpersonIknow,Ashton.I’mproudtocallyoumysister.Iloveyou.Youcando

anythingyouwantordonothingatall.Whateveritis,Isupportyou.Alwaysrememberthat.”

“Don’tmakemecryagain,”Iwarnedhimnicely.

“Iwon’t,littlesister.”Hehuggedme,kissedmyforehead,andIfollowedhimoutoftheroomsoI

couldlockupbehindhim.Ineededashowerfirst,food,andthenIwouldcrawlbackintobed.Ihadan

hour.Itwouldbeplentyoftime.

On his way out, he told me Lincoln left a note on my fridge. I locked up and went to the fridge.

Lincolnhadwrittenhisphonenumberonthebackofthenotehehadleftmeearlierthatmorningandtaped

itbackuponmyfridge.

Thenotebotheredme.Ididn’twantnorhaveIeverhadanythingonmyfridge.Iliftedmyhandto

removeitbutIcouldn’t.Itwasonlyapieceofpaper,anditwasfromLincoln.Isighedanddroppedmy

hand.Eventhoughhewouldneverknow;IfeltlikeitwouldhurthisfeelingsifItookitdown.AndIdid

notwanttohurthisfeelings.

Ismiled.Babysteps.

Chapter9-Ashton

Mike told me yesterday he wanted me to call Lincoln instead of him today, so he programmed

Lincoln’snumberintomyphone.HewantedmetopretenditwasLincoln’snameonthepost-it-noteand

nothis.Weargued,Ihadaslightpanicattack,andhedidnotmentionitagain.

InevertextedorcalledLincoln.

IknowI’macoward.

IstaredatmyphoneandcarrieditallweekendthinkingthatatanymomentIwouldbeabletocall

ortexthim,butIneverdid.Andthecrazythingis,Iwantedto.Iwantedtoseehimagain.Iwantedto

apologizeforwhathadhappenedandthankhimforhelpingMiketakecareofme.

IwasstillscareddespitehowcomfortableIfeltwithhimthenighthestayedwithme,andIstill

can’tfigureoutwhyIlethim.

Thedreams!Theywouldn’tstop.Itwasthesameoneoverandoveragain;mebegginghimnotto

leaveme.

SohereIwas,attherapy,andIhaven’tmentionedthedreamstoSuzanneyet.

“IthinkyouneedtoaddLincolntooneofthepost-it-notes.”IheardSuzannesay,pullingmebackto

theconversation.Isatuponthecouchandgavehermybest‘I’mannoyed’look.

Shedidn’tevenlookatme.“Whatdoyouthink?”

“AftereverythingIjusttoldyou,thisistheresponseIget?”Mylegstartedtobounce,andIfeltthe

initialtwingeofaheadache.“Didyounothearthepartaboutusbeinginbedtogether?Orthepartwhere

MikethoughtItriedtocommitsuicide?OrthefactthatLincolnhadtohavenoticedmybathroommirroris

coveredupwithcardboard!”

Shesmirkedatme.Suzannesmirkedatme!Shewasstartingtogetonmynervestoday.

“OfcourseIdid,”shesaid.“Itwasveryniceofhimtotakecareofyou.”

“Whydoyouseemsohappyrightnow?”

“Dowereallyneedtodiscussthis?”sheaskedasshecontinuedtowriteinhernotebook.Ihateit

whenshewritesthingsaboutme.

“Yes,let’sdiscussthis,Suzanne,”Isaidabitsarcastically.

“Youlikedit,Ashton.What’stodiscuss?”shesaidlikeitdoesn’tmatterwhenitreallydoes.

Ididlikeit.

“Ifhe’smyfriendthenhe’llstartaskingquestions.”

“Youanswerwhatyoufeelcomfortableanswering.Peopledoitallthetime.”

“Thenwe’dhavenothingtotalkabout.”

“Talkaboutmovies.”

Ishruggedashoulder.

“Talkaboutabookbothofyouread.”

Ilaidagainstthebackofthecouch.

“Pickanarticleoutinthenewspaper,readittoeachother.Discussit.”Hervoicerosewitheach

wordshesaid,soIsatupandlookedather.“Goforawalk.Buyacoloringbookorpaintapicture.I

mean,thepossibilitiesareendless.”

“What’swrong?”Iaskedandwaitedforhertostopwriting.

Shepausedandlookedupatme.“What?”sheaskedinnocently.

“Somethingseemsoff?Andyou’rewritinglikeamadwomanrightnow.”

Sheshruggedhershoulders,closedthenotebook,andstood.

“Letmehaveit.”Iwavedather.“What’swrongwithmenow?”

Shetossedthenotebookandpendownandsatdownatherdesk.

“Justtellme,Suzanne.”

“There’snothingtotell,Ashton.Alothappenedtoyoulastweek,anditwasextremelydifferentand

difficultforyou.Buthereyouare.Nothing’swrong.Yousurvived.Iwasexcitedthatyouhadnewthings

to share and discuss with me. That’s all. Stop being so negative and I was serious, I want you to put

Lincolnonapost-it-noteandthenjustdropittothefloor.”

“That’scheating!”

Shesmirkedandrelaxedintoherchair.“I’msurebynow,youcheat.”

Ihuffedandstoodfromthecouch.“Fine.”

“Why can’t you see that this is good, Ashton! Don’t you want some of that normal you’re always

talking about? Having friends is normal. Making decisions for yourself instead of some sticky note is

normal,”shepaused.“Embraceit.”

Maybeit’snormaltodreamofyourfriends?

Thedreamsmademethinkofhimdayandnight.

Icouldn’tstoptryingtofigureoutwhattheymeant.

“Whyisthissohardforme?”

“Trustingpeopleishardforanyonebutforyou,it’sgoingtobedifficult.Itwon’tcomeovernight,

orinaweek.It’sgoingtotaketime.Lincoln’sbeentalkingtoyouforovertwomonthsnow.He’skepthis

promise,hekepthisdistance,andhetookcareofyouontwoseparateoccasions.Hecaresaboutyou.He

respectsyou.”

“Maybeheshouldbeyourfriend,”Imuttered.

Shesnappedherfingersandpointedatme.“That’sit!”

“Idon’tliketheexcitementinyourvoice.”

“Rememberwhenyouhadsessionswithyourbrother?”Shestoodup.

“No.”Iknewwhatshewasgettingat.Ipointedbackatherandrepeated,“No,Suzanne.No.”

“Push,Ashton,”shesaidassheflippedthroughhercalendar.“Push.Push.Push.”

“Hecan’tknowI’mintherapy!”Isuckedinsomeair.“AmIbreathing,Suzanne?”

“YesAshton,you’rebreathing.Sitdownandtakeadeepbreath.There’snoreasontopanicover

this.”

Thisisnotgood.

He’llknowhowfuckedupIam.

Suzannecametositnexttomeonthecouchandpattedmyleg.“You’redoinggreat.Onemorebig

breathinandthenout.”Shebreathedwithmeandsmiled.“See,thatwasn’thard.You’redoingsomuch

better.”

Itdidfeellikeitwasgoingaway,buttheheadachewasworse.“WhywouldIwanthimhere?”I

startedrubbingmytemples.“What’sthatgoingtoaccomplish?”

“I’llhelpyoucommunicatewithhim.I’llbeabletoexplainsomethingsyoucan’t.Likewithyour

brother.Ithelpedyourrelationshipwithhim.”

Ihatetoadmitit,butitdidhelpus.ItwasweirdtolistentothemtalkaboutmelikeIwasn’tevenin

theroom,butSuzannehelpedhimunderstandmealittlemore.

God,IreallyamafuckupwhenIneedmytherapist’shelptobecomesomeone’sfriend.

“Icanseeitnow…‘HeyLinc,youwannacomewithmetotherapyandlearnabouthowfuckedupI

am?YouwanttoknowIneedhelpfrommytherapistmakingandlearninghowtobesomeone’sfriend?’”I

huffed.“He’llrunawayfromme.Butmaybethat’sagoodthing.ThenIdon’thavetobringhimwithme!”

“Youeitherwantfriendsoryoudon’t,Ashton.”Shepushedupfromthecouchandwentbacktoher

chair.Shesatontheedgeandleanedforward.WhenIdidn’treply,shecontinued,“Well,whatisit?Do

youwanttomoveonfromyourpastandgetonwithyourlife?Doyouevenwanttohavefriends?Doyou

wanttofindyourkindofnormal,Ashton?Youkeeptellingmethesethings,butyou’renotdoingadamn

thingaboutit!”Isnappedmyheaduptoher.Shejustyelledatme.“You’retheonlyonethatcanchange

yourlife,Ashton.Getofftheroadyou’reon.Takeaturnandgoinanotherdirection.”

IhateitwhenImakehermad.

Ihateitwhenshe’sright.

“Ihateitwhenyougetmadatme.”Ifeltdefeated,exhausted,andknewourtimewasalmostup.

“I’mnotmad,Ashton.I’mjustremindingyouofwhatitisyousupposedlywantoutofyourlife.You

saythem,butyoudon’tmeanthem.”

“OfcourseImeanthem,”Iwhined.“YouthinkIlikethepersonIam?YouthinkIlikebeingalone

allthetime?Ihaven’tlookedinamirrorforsixyears!Sixfuckingyears!Ihatemyself,andIhatethatI

hatemyself.See,Idon’tevenmakesensehalfthetime.Whythefuckwouldanyonewanttobefriends

with me, Suzanne? I’m fucked up, I’m scared all the time, and I freak out about everything. I freak out

about the stupidest fucking shit! I let post-it-notes tell me what to do!” I kept gripping my hair with my

hands.SometimesIjustwantedtocutitalloff.It’snotlikeIknowwhatIevenlooklike.

ShecrossedherarmsoverherchestandcontinuedtowatchmeasIpacedtheroomandpulledmy

hair.Shedidn’tsayaword,justwatched.I’msureshe’stryingtothinkofsomethingclevertosay.

Some days I think I’m good, that maybe just maybe, I have a handle on myself, onmylife.Some

days.

“Well?” I asked because I couldn’t take the silence anymore. The silence was making my skin

crawl;Icouldn’ttakeit,Ineededtogetoutofmyself.

“Doyoufeelbetterordoyouneedtogetmoreoffyourchest?”

Ithrewmyhandsupintheairandaskedtheceiling,“Whatdoesitmatter?”

“I always tell you that I like it when you’re angry. You need to get angry more. No more panic

attacks.Justgetangry.Youneedtogetitoutofyou.Ikeeptellingyoutojoinagymortakeself-defense

classesbecauseyouneedastressreliever.”

“You always tell me that crying was my stress reliever and you know I do that all the time,” I

remindedher.

“Yes,butyou’restillsoangry,Ashton.Youhatealotofthingsincludingyourself.Youdidnothing

wrong,”shestressed.“Thereisnothingwrongwithyou.Youshouldn’thateyourselfthewayyoudo.”

Ipointedtomyself.“Ididn’tfight!Ididn’tfighthardenoughSuzanne,andyouknowthat.Ialways

retreated.”

“JesusAshton,”shesaidshakingherhead.

“Don’t‘Jesus’me,Suzanne.”Islappedmyhandsonthebackofthecouchagainandcontinuedto

yell at her, “He wasn’t there! No Jesus. No God. No one was fucking there. For three years, I lived in

Hell. I begged for God to save me. For anyone to fucking save me! When I knew he wasn’t coming, I

startedaskingformylifetoend.Everyday,allday,Ibeggedforawayout.Iwantedtodie.Hecouldn’t

evengivethattome.HeleftmeinHellwiththeDevilforthreefuckingyears!”

“Ashton!” Suzanne yelled and I swear my heart skipped a beat. She was standing now, and she

lookedlikeshewasabouttocry.Ireallyamabitch.

“Terrible things happen all the time. There are a lot of ugly people in this world who do ugly,

disrespectfulthingsthatnoonecanexplain.WhathappenedtoyouwasbeyondanythingI’veeverheard

of.Itwasbeyondhorrible,andmyheartbreaksforyouallthetime.I’msorrythatyousufferedtheway

youdid.Itrulyam,butyouneedtorealizethatyoudidfight.Nomatterwhatyouthink,you’reafighter.

You’re alive, Ashton. You survived! You survived Hell and lived to tell about it. You’re the strongest

personI’veeverhadthepleasureofmeeting.You'rebraverthanyouthink.YoufoughttheDevileveryday

forthreeyears!Youdidfight!You’reasurvivor!Whycan’tyouseethat?”Sheletoutthebreathshehad

beenholdingandsatbackdowninherchair.Well,morelikeslumped.Herheadrestedonthebackofthe

chair,andIslippedaroundthesideofthecouchandsatbackdown.

Shewasright.

Ididsurvive.

Technically,I’malive.

Iftherewerebrokenpiecesofmescatteredaroundthegroundrightnow,itwouldbesafetosaythat

Suzannehadjustpickedupthebiggestpieceandputitbackinitsplace.But,themillionbrokenpiecesof

meturnedtodustalongtimeagoandthewindtookthemaway.

I’llneverbewholeagain.

I’llneverbemended.

Thepiecesaregone,lostforever.

Thatisthehardestpart,alwaysfeelingempty.Hollow.I’mmeaningless;IfeelIhavenopurposeor

valueinlife.

IpeekedatSuzanne.Ifeltbad.Everytimeweyellateachother,Ifeelbad.

“I’msorryIyelledatyou,butyou’reright;you’realwaysright,Suzanne.”

Sheletoutalightsigh.“It’snotaboutbeingright,Ashton.Iwantyoutogetangryandupsetandyell

atme.It’spartofthehealingprocess,butIalsowantyoutorealizeyourworth.You'reworthit,Ashton.

You’re a good person and having friends can help you in more ways than one. You’re not going to like

whatIhavetosaynextbecausethefirsttimewetalkedaboutit,youpassedoutfromyourpanicattack.

AndI’mnottellingyouthistocauseapanicattack.PleaselistenandthinkaboutwhatI’mgoingtotell

you.”Shesatupandfacedmeagain.“Stophatingyourselfandlearntoforgive.Youneedtofigureouta

waytoforgivehimandyourselfandmoveonfromthis.Youneedtoletalltheangerandthepaingo.You

needtostopfeedingitandfreeyourself.”Shestoodandcametositnexttomeonthecouchandgrabbed

myhand.“I’mnotaskingyoutoforgetwhathappened.You’llneverforget,butyoucanforgiveandmove

on.”Shesqueezedmyhand.“Iknowfromexperience,andIwantyoutotrustmeonthisone,Ashton.Find

awaytoletitallgo.Beingfreeisthemostamazing,beautifulfeelingintheentireworld.”

Atthatmoment,somethingclickedintoplaceforme.Somewheredeepinsideofme,Ifeltsomething

click,orturnover,orwhatever.Butthenanotherthinghappened.IsawSuzannehadblueeyes.Howthe

fuckdidInotknowthisalready?Butmostimportantly,IlearnedthatsomethinghadhappenedtoSuzanne.

Shesaidsheknewfromexperience.

“Asmuchfunasthiswas,”shelookedattheclock,“yourtimewasuptenminutesago.”

Thatwasallshehadtosaytogetmeoffthecouchandslidingmysunglasseson.“I’mgoingtobe

late.”

“Ashton,don’tworryaboutthetimetoday.Youcanstillbeincontrolandbetenminuteslate.”

“Haven’tyoupushedmeenoughtoday?”

She dismissed me with her hand. “That was nothing.” I knew this would happen. She’d been

warningmethelastyearthatshewantedtogetmoreaggressivewithmebutatthesametime,shehadn’t.

IfshethinksI’mreadynow,thenmaybeIam?

It’sbeensixyears.Itwastimetogetmyshittogether.Somehow.Idon’tknowhowbutIneedto

findmyselfagain.I’llneverbethesame,butIneedtogettoknowmyselfagain.

Lincoln

Ididn’thearfromAshtonallweekend.

IthoughtaboutvisitingMikebutfiguredthatwouldbepushingit.Mikeremindedmethatshewas

tryingtobemyfriendandtostaypatient.So,thatwaswhatIwasgoingtodo.Idecidedtolethermake

thenextmove.

Ican’tbegintoimaginewhatshehadtosuffertowanttoendherlife.

ImighthaveplayeditcoolwhenIwasaroundherbutinside,Iwasfumingwithanger.Iwaspissed

someonehurthertothepointthatsuicidewasheronlyescape.Thefactthatsomeonehurthersobadly

that she had her mirror boarded up made my blood boil. I ran for almost two hours after that to calm

myselfdown.IwantedtohelpAshton,toprotectherandtakeherpainaway.

TodaywasMonday,andIwasalmostdonewithmyrun;Iwashopingtoseeher,talktoher,and

makesureherarmwasokay.

IwentinsidemyapartmentandtossedmyiPodonthecounter,grabbedabottleofwater,andstood

inmydoorway.Icouldn’tstopsmiling,knowinganyminuteshewouldcomewalkingthroughthedoor.

I don’t even think she had cleared the top step when I greeted her, which had scared her; even

thoughshetriedtohideit,Isawherjump.

Shedidn’tsayanything,butshestoppedwhenshegottomydoor.

Sheturnedtofacemebutstayedontheothersideofthehallway.Shewasn’tthatfaraway,maybe

fourorfivefeet,butthiswasthefirsttimesheknowinglyletthedistancebetweenusslide.Shelooked

goodeventhoughshelookedthesameasalltheothertimesI’veseenher.

“Hi,Lincoln.”

God,shehadasweetvoice.Itwassoft,smooth,andsomethingIcouldlistentoalldayandnever

boreof.IguessIwasstillspeechlessbecauseshespokeagain.“I’msorryabouttheotherday.Itwasan

accident.Pleasedon’tthink-”

“Idon’t.”Imeantit,andsheknewIdidbecauseofherreply.“Thankyou.”

Ilookedatherdoorthenbacktoher.Thiswasahugestepforher.Shelookedcalm,herbreathing

wassteady.Iwastheonefeelingabitonedge,butthisiswhatI’vewantedforsolong.

“How’sthearmdoing?”Iasked,glancingatherbandage.

Sheadjustedherbagsandtriedtohideherarm.“Better.”

Itshouldnotbehardtohaveaconversationwithher,butforsomereason,Idon’tknowwhattosay.

“Doyou-”shesaidatthesametimeIsaid,“CanI-”

IsmiledatherasIwatchedherhandslipupandtrytocoverupthesmilethatplayedupthecorner

ofherlips.

“Goahead,Ashton.”

Shelookedatherwatch,thenherdoor.Shesighedandturnedherattentionbacktome.“I’mnota

normalgirl,Lincoln,butI’mtrying.”Shelookedatherwatchagainandstartedrubbingherthumboverthe

topofit.

“IfyouneedtogoIunderstand.Iwon’tkeepyou,”Ilied.Iwantedtograbherandforcehertostay

withme.MaybethenIcouldfigureoutwhattosay.

Shespunonherheelandwasatherdoorinaflash.“I’lltextyou,”shesaidassheunlockedher

doorandslippedinside.

Chapter10-Ashton

MyneedtostayincontroldominatesmemostofthetimetothepointthatIdon’tevenrealizewhat

I’mdoing.Mybodyissousedtobeingonauto-pilotthatIactwithoutthinking.

ItalkedtoLincolnwithouthavingapanicattack.

Icallthatprogress.

After lunch I went to the wall where my post-it-notes were and noticed someone had rearranged

themandwroteafewnewones,andstrungthemupinaline,thatread:

DON’TCALLMEEVENTHOUGHILOVEYOU.

Itwasmybrother’shandwriting.

He must have come into my apartment while I was gone this morning. What a sneaky little ass. I

whippedmyphoneoutandtexthim.

Me:Ass!

Mike:Loveyoutoo.

Me:Iknow.

Mike:Bebrave.Callortexthim,yourchoice.

Me:Thankyou,Mike.

Mike:Anytime.

I sat on the couch and gave myself a pep talk. “This is what normal people do. They text their

friends.”

Me:HiLinc.

Well,thatwasn’tsohard.Myphoneimmediatelybeepedback.

Lincoln:HiAshton.

Me:Thatwasfast.

Lincoln:Iwaswaitingforyou.

BeforeIcouldreply,Igotanotherone.

Lincoln:NotthatIsataroundholdingmyphoneinmyhandssinceIlastsawyou.

Ichuckled.

Lincoln:Ok,Iwasholdingmyphonewaitingtohearfromyou.

Me:Totalstalker.

Lincoln:Onlyforyou.

HowdoIreplytothat?

“BebraveAshton.”

Me:Whyme?

Lincoln:Honestly,youintrigueme.

“I’msureIdo,”Isaidshakingmyheadandmyphonebeepedagain.

Lincoln:Atfirstitwasthelesbianandmarriagecomment,figuredyouwereplayinghardto

get,mademewanttokeeptrying…

Me:Ithoughtyou’dquit.

Lincoln:Almostdid,butafterafewmoreMondaysitbecamesomethingelse.

Ihadtoremindhim,again.

Me:I’mnotnormal,Linc.

Lincoln:Noone’snormal.

Me:That’swhatMiketellsme.

Lincoln:He’ssmart,youshouldlistentohim.

Me:Heis.

Me:Itry.

Whoknewfiveminutesoftextingcouldmakemefeelsomewhatliberated.

Lincoln:WouldyouliketohearmyMondayconfession?

Ismiled.

Me:Yes.

Lincoln:YoualreadyknowNatliveswithme,butshealsoworkswithmeatthebar.She’smy

onlysibling,mymom’scurrentlyonacruise,andmydadpassedawayaroundtenyearsago.

Me:I’msorryaboutyourdad,myparentsarealsogone.

God,Imissthem.Momwouldbeproudofme.ShewouldpushmelikeSuzannedoes,whereDad

alwaysheldback.Iwashisbabygirl,andhewantedmetofeelsafe,protected,anddidn’tevenlikeme

leavingthehouse.

Lincoln:I’msorryforyourlossaswell.

Me:Thanks.

Noreplyfromhimforminutes.Now,whatdoIdo?Ilookedupatthewallandthoughtaboutallthe

activitiesandwhatwerewrittenonthem.IknewthemallandIwasboredwiththethoughtofdoingthem.

Instead,IsatonthecouchandstaredatmyphoneuntilIheardfromhimagain.

Itdidn’ttakelong.

Lincoln:How’syourdaygoingsofar?

Me:Notbad,it’sprettyniceoutside.

Lincoln:Iagree,itis.

Anotherfewminutesofsilencehadmeworried,soIsentamessagetoMike.

Me:Mike,Idon’tknowwhatelsetosaytohim.

Afewminuteslater…

Mike: Talk about some of the things he’s already shared with you? Invite him to watch a

moviewithyou?That’swhatwewouldendupdoing.

Me:Notsureaboutthemovie.

Mike:Youcuddledwithhimtheothernight.Ithinkyou’reokaytowatchamovie.

Me:Thatwasdifferent.

Mike:Notreally.

Me:!!!!

Mike: You're brave! You got this, just relax and sit on the other side of the couch. No

touching.Youdon’tevenhavetolookathim.

ButIwanttolookathim.

AmIbraveenoughtoinvitehimoverforamovie?

Lincoln:Youstillthere?

Me:Idon’tknowhowtodothis…

Lincoln:Dowhat?

Me:Beafriendtosomeone.

Lincoln:Youjusthavetotalkandlistentothem,bethereforthemwhentheyneedsomeone,

respectthem,Idon’tknow,stufflikethat…andifyoudon’twanttotalk,I’lldoallthetalking

Istartedtoblushbutitpassedjustasfastasitcame.

Me:I’mtryingLinc,butIdon’tliketotalkaboutmyselformylife.

Lincoln:Everyoneisdifferentanduniqueintheirownway,andmostpeopledon’tliketotalk

abouttheirlives,Igetit.

Me:Mineismoreuniquethanmost.

Lincoln: I don’t want to push or upset you, but I hope you know you can talk to me about

anything.

“Ifonlyitwerethatsimple.”

Me:Istilldon’tgetit.

Lincoln:What?

Me:Whydoyouwanttobefriendswithme?

A couple of minutes had passed, and I started to think maybe he wasn’t going to text back. I

understand him being intrigued; if the tables were reversed, I’d be intrigued by him also. Maybe that’s

whatIneedtodo.Ishouldputmyselfinhisshoes.

Would I stalk my neighbor? Would I continue to share my life with someone who ignored me?

Intriguedme?

Lincoln: It’s hard to explain, but I’m drawn to you, Ashton. I feel that there’s this invisible

stringthatkeepspullingmetowardsyou.Ithinkaboutyoueveryday.I’mnotsurewhathappened

to you but I know it must have been bad, really bad, and it upsets me that you had to go through

somethinglikethat.Ilikeyou,Ilikethesoundofyourvoice,andIlikedthewayyoufeltinmyarms

theothernight.Everythingaboutyoufeelsrighttome.

“Thatwassosweet.”

Lincoln:I’msorry,I’msureit’salottotakein.Ijustwantedyoutoknow.ButIwanttobe

yourfriendmorethananything.

Helikedmyvoice?Noone’severtoldmethat.

Myhandsbegantoshake.

Shit.

“Controlit,Ashton!”

Lincoln:Ashton,areyouok?

Me:Ya.

“Getittogether,Ashton.”Isetthephonedown,gotupfromthecouchandwalkedtothecornerof

the living room. “Nothing is wrong.” I lifted my hands up in the air and took a deep breath in and then

slowlyloweredthemasIlettheairout.Ididitagainthenstartedtopacemysmalllivingroom.

Bothwindowswerecoveredindark,heavycurtains.IlikeditdarkinsidemyapartmentjustlikeI

doinmybedroom.Mywallswerewhiteandtherewerenodecorationsofanykindonthemexceptthe

post-it-notes.Ihadonepictureinmyroomofmyparentsandonefamilyphoto,bothweretakenbeforeI

turnedfifteen.

“You’refriendsnow,”Iremindedmyself.“Friendstalkandsharetheirfeelings.”

Butwhathesaidsoundedlikesomuchmore.Dopeopletelltheirfriendsthattheylikethesoundof

theirvoice?No,theydon’t.EventhoughthebooksIreadarefiction,Ireadenoughtoknowbetter.But

whywouldhelikememorethanfriends?

Howdidthisonepersongetinasfarashehas?

Howisthishappening?

Becauseyoulikehim.

“Fuck,”IhissedandturnedaroundwhenIgottothewindow.

“Ashton.”IheardLinccallthenafewknocksonmydoor.

Istoppedandstaredatthedoor.Heknockedagain.IfIdon’tanswerthedoor,he’llgogetMike.

DidIwanthimtoleaveorstay?

Stay.

Itookasteptowardsthedoor.Airin.

Itookanotherstep.Airout.

“Ineedaminute,”ItellhimbecauseIdon’thavemyglasses.Allthathardworktogettothedoor

anditwasfornothing.Irantomybedroom,grabbedthem,andwenttothepeephole.Hewaspacingin

frontofmydoor.Herubbedhishandsoverhisfaceafewtimesthenthroughhishair.Itwasdarkbrown

andshorteronthesides,withsomelengthonthetop.

ButIknewthatalready.Right?

Islidthefirstchain.Linchearditandsteppedtothedoor.Islidthesecondone.I’mreallydoing

this.Myhandsstillshook,butIpushedmyselftoslidethethirdchain.Hewasreallygoingtobeinmy

apartment.Again.

“Idon’tknowifIcandothis,”Itoldhimgrippingthedeadbolt.Istoppedwatchinghimandleaned

myforeheadonthedoor.

“Please,Ashton.Pleaseletmein.”Hesoundedsadandkindofdesperate.

Idon’tlikeitwhenyou’resad.

Istompedmyfootlikeachildandgrittedmyteeth.Ijustneededtodoit.

Push.

I turned the lock as fast as I could before I could stop myself. Linc was barely inside when he

pulledmetohischestwithonearm.Hepushedthedoorclosedwiththeotherone,lockedthedeadbolt,

slidthethreechains,thenwrappedhisotherarmaroundme.

“I’msorry,Ashton.”Iwassmotheredintohischest.Ihadmyarmsatmysidesandhadn’tmoved.

“Areyoubreathing,Ashton?DoIneedtoletyougo?”

Pleasedon’tgo.

Ishookmyheadno,andslowlyslidmyarmsaroundhim.

My breathing wasn’t normal, but it was better than I expected. Linc’s warmth was like a second

embrace,andIfeltmyselfrelaxingintohim.Hesmelledlikeberries.

“Whydoyousmelllikeberries?”

Hechuckled.“Nat.Iswearshehashundredsofcandleslitallthetime.”Hewasrubbingmyback

againandIclosedmyeyes,soakinginhiswarmthandberries.“I’msorryifitwastoomuch,butatthe

sametime,I’mnot.Iwantedyoutoknow.”

I wasn’t sure what to say, or think, so I shut down and enjoyed the peace I felt from him. Peace.

Calm.Somethingnoonehasevergivenme.

“Ashton,pleasesaysomething.”

Itippedmyheadbackbutkeptitagainsthischest.“Wouldyouliketowatchamovie?”Iwhispered

whilemyheartbeatthumpedinmyears.

“I’dloveto,Ash.”

IgulpedorswallowedormaybeImadeafunnynoisebecausehisforeheadwrinkledup.“Isthat

okay? That I call you Ash?” he asked and I slid my head back down so I couldn’t look at his face. He

lookedlikehewasinpain,likeIhadrejectedthatsimplerequestwhenIwasn’tevensurehowtoanswer.

Noone’scalledmeAshinalongtime.TheAshIwas,thatIusedtoknow,didn’texistanymore.

Shewastakenatfifteen.Shewastortured,tormented,shattered,lost,gone.Ash’smemoriesweregone;

lostandhiddeninthedarkness.

Ashwasgone.

ButIwantedtofindheragain.

Isighedandpushedawayfromhim.“It’sfine.Ium…”Igrabbedmyarm,thebadone,andfeltmy

bandageagain.Iclosedmyeyes.

Pushitaway.

“Movie,”IsaidasIturnedandwalkedtothecouch.Isatonthefarendandpulledmylegstomy

chest.Restingmychinonthetopofmyknee,IaskedLinctopickamoviebeforehesatdown.

Hekneeledtothebookcasewherethemovieswereandstartedlookingthroughthem.

“It’snotmuch,”Isaid.“Ihopeyoucanfindoneyou’lllike.”

Heglancedatme.“Idon’tcarewhatmovieitis,Ash.”Herandomlygrabbedone.“It’swhoI’m

watchingitwith.”

Mybellytwistedupinknots,andasbriefasitwas,IknewIlikedit.

Iknewitmeantsomethinggood.

Lincoln

IhadnocluewhatmovieIgrabbedandIsureashelldidn’tcare.Forafewseconds,Ithoughtshe

wasgoingtobreakdownwhenIcalledherAsh,butshedidn’t.Itslippedoutwithoutmethinkinganything

ofit.

Iwasn’tevenpayingattentiontothemovie;IhadnocluewhatitwasaboutbecauseIwasnervous

for some reason. I’ve never been nervous around her. I’m not sure what my deal is but my leg’s been

bouncinglikecrazyandIkeeprubbingmyhandsonmyjeansbecauseIwassweating.

Ash,ontheotherhand,wascurledupinthecornerofthecouchwithherlegsagainstherchest.She

stillworehersunglasses,andhercheekrestedonherknee.

Her windows in the living room were covered with the same heavy curtains that were in her

bedroom. It’s the middle of the day, I know the sun is shining bright, but it feels like it's ten p.m. in

here. Thick dark curtains, her sunglasses, the covered mirror in the bathroom…it all tells me that she’s

hiding.Andnotonlyisshehidingfromtheoutsideworldandotherpeople,butsheseemstobehiding

fromherself.

“Ash.”

Withoutmoving,sherepliesquietly,“Ya?”

“CanItouchyou?”

Thatgotareaction.Fuck,I’msuchadumbass.Evenwiththeglasses,Icouldtellhereyesgotbig

andherlipspartedasshesuckedinabreathofair.

“Thatsoundedbad.”IlaughedatmyselfasIclosedmyeyesanddroppedmyheadinmyhands.“I

don’tknowwhyI’msonervoustoday.”

“You’renervous?”sheasked.

“Yes.”

“Why?”sheaskedabitconfused.

I twisted on the couch and turned towards her. “Not sure and I’m sorry about how that question

cameout.IguessIwashopingmaybe,Idon’tknow,”Ishruggedmyshoulders,“you’dsitclosertome.”

AndnowI’mshy?

Shetensedalittlebitasshesaid,“Oh.”

“It’sjustafterthatnightinyourbed…againthatsoundedwrong…Ijustlikethefeelofyouinmy

arms.Ilikeholdingyou.”Isighed.“Thisisn’tmakinganysense.I-”

She held her hand up so I stopped my rambling. “I think I get what you’re saying, Lincoln.” She

swallowedthenloweredhervoice,“Ilikedit.”

Iswearshestartedblushing.

“MaybeI’mnervousbecausewe’refinallyhangingout.”

Shehuffed.“Watchingamovie.”

“I’mnotreallywatchingit,”Iconfessed.

“Meeither,”shewhisperedandnoticedshegrippedherlegstighter.

“Idon’twanttomakeyouuncomfortableAsh,soatanytime,pleasetellmeifIamoraskmeto

leave.That’sthelastthingIwanttodo.”Shenoddedwithoutlookingatme.“SocanIaskwhatyou’re

thinkingaboutsinceyou’renotpayingattentiontothemovie?”

Shethoughtaboutitforafewminutesthenfinallylookedbackatme.Iwasstillsittingsidewayson

thecouchbecausehonestly,Ididnotwanttostoplookingather.Icouldlookatherallday,everyday.

“Youreallywanttobemyfriend?”

“Yes.”

“Andgettoknowme?’

Inodded.“Yes.”

Ididn’tthink,Ijustmovedandsatrightinfrontofher.Ipriedherarmsfromherlegs,whichshehad

adeathgriponandtomysurprise,sheputherlegsdownonherown.Sheslippedbotharmsaroundmy

waistandmumbledsomethingasshelaidherheadonmychest.ItookadeepbreathinandIcouldsmell

thatshealsosmelledlikeberries.

Itmustbehershampoo.

“Muchbetter,”Imurmured.“Thisokay?”

“I’mokay.”ShetiltedherheadbackandIlookeddownather.Icouldseetheoutlineofhereyes,

buttheglasseswerejusttoodamndarksoseeanythingelse.Iwantedtoripthemoffheralready.

“Willyou,um…”shehesitated.“IgosomewhereonMondaymornings.”

Ialreadyknewthat.“Okay…”

“Every Monday and,” she dropped her forehead to my chest and took a deep breath in,

“willyoucomenextmondaywithme?”

Icouldnothelpbutlaughalittle.“It’scutewhenyou’reshy,Ash.”

“I’mnotcute,”shesaiddiggingherhandsintomyskin.

Iignoredherbecauseshewascute.“YouwantmetogosomewhereMonday?”

Shenodded.“Don’tgettooexcited.It’snotwhatyouthink.”

“I’llkeepanopenmind.”

“Pleasedo.”

“Iwon’tjudgeormakefunofyou,”Ipromised.

Her fingers were pressing into my skin harder, but it didn’t hurt. She wasn’t running away; she

wasn’tgaspingforair.

Shesighedandlookedawayfromme.“IseeatherapisteveryMonday.Sixyearsnow.Shethinks

thatitwouldhelpmedothiswholefriendthingwithyou…like,helpmetalktoyouandstuff.Bemore

comfortablearoundyouIguess.Idon’tknow,maybeit’sstupid,butithelpedwhenMikecamewithme,

thenmyparents.Itwasheridea.Imean-”

“I’dlovetogo.”

Shesatup.“Really?”

Iputmyhandbehindherneckandwishedtheycouldgettangledupinhersofthair.

“Iusedtoseeonemyself.”

“Youdid,”shebreathedout.“Nothingiswrongwithyou.”

“Nothing’swrongwithyou,Ash.”

“Youdon’tknowthat,”shewarnedme.

Itwastimeformetoshare.

Openup.

TellherwhatIdid.

“RememberItoldyoumydadpassedaway?”Shenoddedherheadagainstmychest.“Ikilledhim,

Ash.”

Shescrambledawaysofastthatshefelloffthecouch.

“Shit,”Imuttered.

“Stayawayfromme!”sheshriekedandbackedupuntilshehitthewall.

“Notlikethat.”

“Leave.”

“Itwasanaccident!”

Shesaidnothing.

“AnaccidentAshton.I’msorry,sometimesIdon’tthinkbeforeIspeak.”

Ican’tgetmywordsrighttonight.

Ifeltsicktomystomachbutstayedonthecouchandtoldhermystory.“Iwasfifteen.Justgotmy

learnerspermit.Ibeggedmydadtotakemeoutdrivingonenightafterdinner,sohedid.Hehardlysaid

notouskids.Hewassuchagooddad,andImisshimeveryday.”Shedidn’tmoveorsayanything,soI

keptgoing,“Wewereonadirtroadthatwe’dbeenonseveraltimespriortothatdaywhenitstartedto

rain, so we turned around and headed home. I wasn’t going that fast or my dad would have said

something.Adeerdartedoutfromthefield,andIswervedtomissit.Ilostallcontrolofthetruck,slidoff

theroadandintoaditch.Iwasknockedout,soIdon’trememberanythinguntilIwokeupatthehospital.I

learnedthenthatthetruckhadrolledafewtimes.Mydadwasdeadbythetimetheparamedicsarrived.”

“OhLincoln,”shewhisperedandslowlymadeherwaybacktothecouch.Imovedsoshe’dhave

herspace.Shereachedupandwipedatearfromhercheek.“Idon’tknowwhattosay.”

“I’m fine now. I dealt with it. Not very good in the beginning but Nat and my mom helped me

throughit.That’swhyIsawthetherapist.”

ShereachedherhandouttomeandItookit.“I’mgladyou’redoingbetternow.EventhoughIdon’t

knowyourdad,Iknowhedoesn’tblameyou.”

“Thankyou.”

Webothstaredatourhands,andslowlyshemovedclosertome.“I’mnotbeingrude,butyouhave

toleaveatfour.”

“I’lldowhateveryouask.”

Sheleanedoverandgrabbedtheremoteoffthecoffeetableandrestartedthemovie.Sittingnextto

metheentiretime.ItwasoneofthebestfeelingsI’veeverfeltinmylife.

Chapter11-Lincoln

IstillhadnocluewhatmoviewewatchedasIwalkedbackintomyapartment.Ilockedthedoor

andturnedaroundtofindNatstandingrightinfrontofme.

“Jesus Christ.” It scared the shit out of me, but I didn’t scream; I’m a guy after all, though I may

havejumpedalittle.

Shewasstillwearingherpajamas,hairinaponytail,andnomakeupon.

Didshejustrolloutofbed?

“I’vebeen waiting forever,Linc. How didit go?” She keptasking questions asI walked into the

kitchen. “What did you do? Most importantly, what did the two of you talk about? Did she wear those

gorgeoussunglassesagain?Ineedtoaskherwhereshegotthem;Ineedapair.”

Igrabbedabottleofwateroutofthefridgeandstarteddrinkingitwhileleaningagainstthecounter.

Natdidn’tstop.“Comeon,Linc!Tellme,”shewhined.“I’mdyinghere.Seriously.”Shedragged

outseriouslyandwasnowstandingrightinfrontofme.“I’vebeenwaitinghoursforyoutocomeback

andgivemethedeets.”Shehadwaytoomuchenergytobedying.Iwonderedifshe’sbeendrinkingpop

again.Popalwaysmadeherhyper.Justthesmellofitwouldmakeherrelentless.

Iquitdrinkingmywatertoask,“Deets?”

“Details,” she informed me, hands on her hips. “Deets, for short. Spill it Linc, I can’t take it

anymore.”

Ishruggedmyshoulders.“Wewatchedamovie.”Itippedmyheadbacktofinishoffthewaterand

Nat’ssmiledied.

“Really? You’re not getting away with,” she held her hands up and did the fingers quotes, “We

watchedamovieshit.Nowtellmesomething!”

She’llneverleavemealone,soItoldhersomething.“ItoldheraboutDad.”Isawherjawdropped

andImentioned,“Notallofitbuttheaccidentpart.”Iwalkedoverandtossedthebottleinthetrashonly

tohaveNatcomeupbehindmeandtakeitout.

“Werecyclenow,”sheinformedme.“Plasticunderthesink.”Sheopenedthecupboardandgave

meherbestVannaWhiteimpressionshowingoffthesmallgreencontainerunderthesink.Shedroppedit

inthebinasIwalkedaway.

“That’sit?”sheaskedfollowingmethroughthelivingroom.“Didsheshareanythingwithyou?You

nevermentionedtheglasses.”

Fuckshewasnosy.ButIknowshemeanswell.I’vesharedeverythingwithNatsofar,butit’snot

myplacetotellheraboutnextMonday.“Yes,that’saboutit.”

She stomped her foot and I laughed. “Don’t act like a baby, Nat,” I teased. “Why are you still in

yourpajamas?”

Shehuffedandwalkeddownthehallway.“Tanktop.Shorts.Notfuckingpajamas,”sheclippedout

thenIheardherbedroomdoorshut.PoorNat.

I had nothing to do the rest of the day. No work, no errands to run, and I was already bored. I

wanted to get up and go back to Ashton’s place. Maybe cook her dinner and pretend to watch another

movie.SimpleenoughandsoundedmuchbetterthanwhatIplannedtodo,whichwasnothing.Ilaidon

thecouch,grabbedtheremote,andstartedflippingthroughthechannels.

I heard a door open, Nat yelled down the hallway, “You’re not off the hook, Linc!” Then I heard

anotherdoorshutandtheshowerturnedon.

My sister was always focused; goal orientated and liked a challenge. She was smart, funny, and

stubbornto say theleast. She graduatedhigh school early, samewith college, andshe sent out resumes

daily.Anycompanywouldbeluckytohaveher.

My phone rang and I tossed the remote down. I answered and heard my mom talking to someone

else.“Yesdear,I’dloveanother.”

“Mom?”

“Ohhey,Lincolnyouanswered.Good.”

“Whywouldn’tI?”

“Honey,Idon’thavemuchtimebeforePhilcomesback.”

Isatup.“Phil?”

Shegiggledandgotquiet.“ItoldyouIwasonasinglescruise,honey.”

“Yeah Mom, you did,” I said with a smile. She was just too darn cute. She was on a cruise for

singlesandeveryoneknewtheyareonacruiseforsingles,butshewhisperedit.Ithinkshecoveredthe

phonewithherhandalso.

“Right.ListenLinc,andmakesuretotellNatalso.Savesmeaphonecall.”

“Okay,”Islippedin.

“I’ll be home next week and if things go accordingly, I won’t be alone. I’m stopping by the city.

Mightstayadayortwo.Visit,shop,youknow,sowecanallgettoknoweachother.”

“Really?”

Shegotquietagain.“Ihaven’tlaughedthismuchinyears.Yourdad…”shetrailedoff,andIknew

whatshemeant.It’sbeentenyears;she’sreadytomoveon.

“NatandIwantyoutobehappy,Mom.”

“Thankyou,Lincoln.”

“Nothanksneeded,Mom.Weloveyou.”

“Love you more than life itself. Okay, he’s coming back. We’re in Margarita Ville honey; well at

leasthereontheboatthat’swhatwecallit.”Shegiggledagain.“Igottago.I’llcallnextweek.”

“Okay,Mo-”

Shehungup.

Iknowshe’llalwaysloveDadbutshedeservestobehappy.Ialsoknowsheneverblamedme.Not

once.She’sanamazingmom,alwaysgiving,neverselfish.IhopethisPhilguyknowshowluckyheis.

Itossedmyphonedownandsatuponthecouch.

Iwasstillbored.

Ilookedatmyfrontdoordebatingmynextmove.Ialreadymissedher.Hersmell,hertouch,andthe

waysheseemedtofitperfectlyintomyside.IwantedmoreandwasalmostoffthecouchwhenNickburst

throughthedoor.

“Heyfucker!”echoedthroughouttheapartmentandIheardathudfromdownthehallway,butNick

fellbesidemeonthecouchsoIdismissedthenoise.

“Youcan’tknock?”

“Itwasunlocked.”

“Obviously,butyoudidn’tevenknockfirst.”

“What’rewewatching?”HenoddedtotheTV.

Idroppedthewholeknockingbit,itwaspointless.

“Nothing.”Itossedtheremotetohim.“Picksomething.”

NottensecondslaterthebathroomdooropenedandNatwalkedout,inatowel.Afuckingtowel!

Shetookthetenstepsorsototheendofthehallway,eyesonNickthewholetimeandsaid,“HeyNick,I

didn’tknowyouwerestoppingby.”Shedidn’t,butshewashappyhedid.Hercheekslookedflushed,not

sure if it was from the hot shower or because she was standing in the living room, in a fucking towel,

soakingwet!

“Nat,”Iwarned.

SheflashedaquicklookmywaythenbacktoNick.IalsolookedatNick.Thelookonhisface,the

one I’ve seen him give plenty of women over the years, was not the way I wanted him looking at my

sister.Hewassmiling,hiseyesrakingupanddownherbody;itwasgross.

“Nat,Icouldn’thavepickedabetterfuckingtimetostopby.”

“Really?” she asked, sweet and innocently when she wasn’t. She heard him come in. She didn’t

eventrytogobacktoherroom.

“JesusNat,IloveyoubutnotsomethingIwanttolookat.”Iwavedahandtowardsherandkeptmy

headandeyesfocusedonthecurtainsacrosstheroom.

“I’dlookalldaylong.”IheardNickmurmur.

Noshit.

Ireachedoverandsmackedinhisdirection.“Shutup.”

“Itwasnicetoseeyou,Nick.”

“Pleasuresmine,”hemurmured.

Afterherbedroomdoorhadshut,Ispoke,“Whatthefuck,dude?”

“What?Yoursister’sfuckinghot,man.NotsurehowmanytimesIhavetotellyou.”

“You’reright,Idon’twanttohearit.”

“Atowel,ashortfuckingtowelatthat.Herthighs,thewethair-”

Ihithimandglaredathim.Helaughed,stoodup,andadjustedhimself.

“Getthefuckawayfrommewhenyoudothatshit.”

“Can’thelpit.”HestartedwalkingdownthehallwayandIjumpedoffthecouch.

“Whereyougoing?”

Heshookhisheadandyelledoverhisshoulder,“TakingapissLinc,fuckoff.”

Iwatchhimgointothebathroomandshutthedoor.

Ineededabeer.

Withmybeerinhand,Ishutthefridgeanddrankituntilitwasgone.

Igrabbedanotheroneandwentbacktothecouch.

Tenfuckingminuteslater,Nickgracesmewithhispresence.Flushedcheeksandheranhishands

throughhishairashedroppedbackontothecouch.

Iimmediatelymovedover.

Natbounceddownthehallafewminuteslaterandsmirkedatmeasshepassedthenwentintothe

kitchen.

Thistime,IsmackedNickupsidetheheadandhehissed,“Whatthefuck,man!”

“I’maskingyouthesamething.Whatthefuck?”

“Sheattackedme,”hepointedtohimself,“again.MebeingthegentlemanIam,Ilether.”

“We’re going out tonight,” he said before I could muster any kind of a rebuttal to his comment. I

don’tlikewhat’sgoingonwiththetwoofthem,butthey’readults.Healreadyknowswhatwillhappenif

hehurtsherinanyway.

“It’sMonday,”Iremindhim.

“Noshit?”herepliedsarcastically.

“Happensonceaweek.”

“Wellshit,wehaveareasontocelebratetonight,”hesaidashegotupandwalkedovertotheother

sideofthecouch.“Weneedtocheckoutanewclub.Thethreeofusaregoing.”IturnedtheTVoffand

stood.

“Goingwhere?”IheardNataskassheroundedthecorner.Shestoodattheendofthecouchnextto

mebutkepthereyesonNick.Shehadfixedherhairandhercheekshadreturnedtotheirnormalcolor.

“Out.Wearashortskirt,doll.”HewinkedatherandIalmostvomitedinmymouth.

“Youtwoalreadymakemesick,”Isaidstandingfromthecouchandheadedtomyroom.“Ican’t

believeI’mgoingoutwithyouguys.”

GoingoutonaMonday?Notmything,butI’mrestless.Thedistractionmighthelptakemymindoff

Ash.Idoubtit,butI’dtry.

###

I’mdrunk.

Beyondreasonandreality.

WhichwaswhyI’dbeenbeggingAshtontoletmevisither.

Inthemiddleofthenight.

Me:Pleeeeeease,

Ash:Idon’tknowifIcan.

Me:Whynnot,it’sme,Linc.

IsmiledbecauseIthoughtitwasfunny.

Ash:Youdon’tknowwhatyou’reasking…

Me:Nothinking,justdodit.

“SorryAsh,Ispelledthatwrong.”Ishookmyhead.“Shecan’thearyou,dumbass.”

Iwassittinginthehallwaywithmybacktoherdoor.DidImentionIwasdrunk?

Who knew going out on a Monday could be fun. The new club was nice, much nicer than Nick’s

becausethecolorsanduniformswerebrighterandmorehip.Theyfeltmorelikeahigh-endnightclub,and

IhadtoadmitsomechangesneededtotakeplaceforNick’sclubtostaycompetitivewiththenewone.

Natagreedwithmeandwasputtingaplantogetherforustodiscussatanothertime.Weleftandwenttoa

fewotherplacesandendeduptakingacabhome.Wewerealldrunk,andNickwasinNat’sroomsoI

felttheneedtogivethemspace.

So,myassendedupinthehallway.

Andifshedoesn’topenthedoorsoon,Imightjustgoupstairsandknockonherbrother’sdoor.

Ash:Ican’tjust‘dodit.'

Me:YoufunnyAsh,opendoor.

Ash:AHHHH!

Me:Can’thearyouunlessopenthedoor.

Me:Imissyou.

Ash:It’s3a.m.

Me:Itis?

Iwaitedafewminutesandsentanotherone.

Me:I’llsleeponthefloor,bythefrontdoor,youwon’tevenknowI’mthere.

Me:Pleasedon’tmakemelistentomylittlesisterhavingsexwithmybestfriend!

Thatshouldwork.Iwaitedanotherfewminutes.

It’sbeenalongtimesinceI’vedrankthatmuch.

Ash:GetoffthefloorsoIcanseeyou.

Done.

IdidmybestnottoappearasdrunkasIwasandstood.Imadesureshecouldseemethroughthe

peephole.ImighthavebeentooclosewithastupidsmileonmyfacebutIwashappy,wasn’thidingthat.I

knewIpushedherboundaries,butIwasalsoproudofherforlettingmepushthoseboundaries.

Thedoorcrackedopenandshelookedatme,butthechainspreventedthedoorfromopeningallthe

way.

“Howdrunkareyou,Linc?”Shewaswearinghersunglasses…atthreea.m.!

“Alittle,”Isaidslowlyandheldmyselfupagainstthedoorjam.

“ShouldIcallmybrother?”

“Iwon’t,”Ipausedandthoughtaboutmywords,soIdidn’tslurthem,“hurtyou,Ash.Never.”

Sheshutthedoor.

Shit.

Ilookeddownthehallway,theonethatwasspinningandblinkedafewtimes.

“That’snotgood.”

Iheardthechains,thenthedeadbolt,beforeshecrackedthedooropen.

“Ash.”

“Linc.”

Sheslowlyopenedthedoor,revealingheroutfit.Blackshortsandtanktophighlightedherpaleskin

andhertonedlegs.

Iwalkedinslowlyandwentstraighttothecouch.

Shesatdownnexttome,buttherewasagapbetweenus.HerlegstartedbouncingupanddownsoI

reachedoutandsetmyhandonherknee.

ShestilledsoIremovedmyhand.“I’myourfriend.”

ButIshouldn’tbehere.

Iwasfuckingthisup.

“Mytherapistwouldbeproud.”Shedidn’tgivemeachancetorespondtohercomment.“Canyou

brush your teeth before you come to bed? I put a new one on the counter for you.” She stood up and

withoutlookingatmewalkeddownthehallway.“Yousleepontopofthecovers!”sheyelledback.

Shewantedmetosleepinherbed?

Ismiledandwenttogobrushmyteeth.

Ashton

WhatamIdoing?

Icrawledintobedandpulledthecoversuptomyneck.Yes,technicallywe’vebeeninthesame

bedbefore,butthiswasdifferent.

Mycouchwascomfortablebutnotlargeenoughforhissize.He’dbehalfonthefloor,halfonthe

couch, and that would just be mean of me. And his offer to sleep on the floor was even worse. I knew

he’dprobablyreekofliquorandIcouldn’thavehiminmybedsmellinglikethat.

I’dneverbeabletosleep.

Hell,I’llbeupallnightatthisrate.

HeneveraskedaboutmyglassesorlookedatmefunnybecauseIwaswearingthematthreea.m.I

wassoworriedaboutcoveringmyfacethatIforgotIwaswearingshortsandatanktop.Mystomachwas

coveredbutnotmythighs.Ididmybesttomakesurehedidn’tseethosescars,buthedidn’tlooklikehe

couldseestraightanyway.

Hewasprettydrunk.

Buthelookedhappy.

Of course, I froze when he touched my leg; he was close to some of my scars. I couldn’t deal or

begintoexplainthereasontheyweretheresohecouldn’tknowaboutthose.

Mypoorheartwasracingbutit'smildrightnow.I’mnotsureifit’sanactualpanicattackorthe

factthatItoldhimhecouldbeinmybed.

I’mnotsurehowIfeelaboutanyofthiseither.It’skindoflikeI’monautopilotrightnow.

Lincwalkedintotheroomandpulledhisshirtoffashemadehiswaytothebed.Hedroppediton

the floor and tugged his pants off next. The shirt on the floor was going to bother me, but that thought

quicklywashedawayasIsawhimreachforhisboxers.

“Whatareyoudoing?”Iaskedmortifiedofwhathewasabouttodo.

Hestopped,leavinghisboxerson.“Iusuallysleepnaked.Habit.Sorry.”Hecrawledontopofthe

coversandlaiddownonhisstomach,facingme.“Thankyou,Ash,”hewhispered.

“Welcome,”Iwhisperedback.

Irolledmyheadoverandstaredattheceiling.Ihavetosleepwithmyglasseson.Icouldn’ttake

thechanceofhimwakingupbeforemeinthemorning.Maybehe’dgetcurious?Whatifmyglassesfall

off?CanIreallysleepthiswayforthenextfewhourswithoutmoving?

“Linc,couldyoupromisemesomething?”

“Anything,”hesaidsettlingintomybed.

“Ihavetotakemysunglassesofftosleepand…”

“Iwon’tlook.”Hereachedoutandfeltaroundformyhand,andlinkedourfingers.“Promise.”He

squeezedmyfingersslightly,andthatwastheassuranceIneeded.

Iheardhisbreathingevenout,andhishandrelaxedintomine.

Iwentbacktostaringattheceilingandwokewhenmyalarmwentoffatnine.Lincwasstilloutand

Iwasn’tabouttowakehim.Heneededtosleepitoff.Plus,IhadthingstodoandIdidn’twanthiminthe

wayorchangemyroutineanymorethenhealreadyhas.

Forthefirsttimeinalongtime,Iwasproudofmyself.

Shortlyaftereleven,andafewpagesintomynewestbook,Iheardfootstepsinthehallandthenthe

bathroomdoorshut.MybreathinginstantlypickedupbeforeIhadachancetotalkmyselfoutofit.

Itwasn’tlikeIforgothewashere,butIalsodidn’tprepareforthetimewhenhe’dwakeup.Iranto

thekitchen,grabbedmyglasses,thensettledbackonthecouch.Icrossedmylegstopreventthemfrom

bouncingandheldmyhandstogetheronmylap.

“Focus.”

Breathein.

Breatheout.

Ikeptmyeyeonthehallwayandlistenedforthedoortoopenagain.

“Youlethimsleepinyourbedlastnight,”Iremindedmyself.“Thiswillbemucheasier.”

Thenthedoorcreakedopenandhisbarefeetwerehittingtheflooragain.Heroundedtheendofthe

hallway,flashedmeamegasmile,andsaid,“Goodmorning,beautiful,”thenmadehiswaytothekitchen

withoutmissingastep.

Heactedlikeheownedtheplace.Likehebelongedhere.

Ijumpedfromthecouchanddashedtothekitchen.“Youhavetoleave.”

“Doyouhavecoffee?”heaskedwhileopeningmycupboardsandlookingthroughthem.

Thiscan’tbehappening.

Itjustcan’t.

“Youhavetoleave,”Irepeatedmyselfslowerandlouderthistime.Myhandsweretightintofists

bynow,andIwastakingshorterbreathstryingtokeepthepanicdown.

“Iwill.”Hewasn’tlookingatmebecausehewasstillinspectingmykitchenbuthislightvoicetold

mehewassmiling.

Whywasthisfunnytohim?Icouldpassoutatanymoment!

“Whyareyousmiling?Iheardpeoplewhogetdrunkusuallyfeellikeshitthenextday.Whydon’t

youseemtofeellikeshit,Linc?”

Heclosedthecupboards,turnedaround,andleanedagainstmycounter.Heranahandthroughhis

hair and his eyes dropped. I wasn’t sure what they dropped to, but I felt him looking at me, like really

lookingatme,makingmewanttowrapmyselfinablanket.

“Thanks,Ash.”Well,thatwasn’twhatIexpected.Ifeltmyselfrelaxalittleandhechuckled.Iwas

stumpedandsaidnothing.“Youcouldhavecalledyourbrother,andyoudidn’t.YouletmeinAsh,andI’ll

behonest,Idon’twanttoleave.”

Isuckedinsomeair,stillatalossforwords.Myarmswerenowcrossedagainstmychesthugging

metight.“IfIonlysleptfourhourslikeInormallydo,thenyes,I’dfeellikeshitrightnow.ButIdidn’t.I

sleptwithyouandjustlikelasttimeIsleptwithyou,Isleptlongerthanfourhours.Ilikethat.Ilikeyou,

andIlikethatyougivethattome.”

“Oh.” That’s all that came out. That’s all that could come out. I needed time to process the

information.Whatdiditmean?

Heneededtoleave.

“I’llgo.”Hepushedoffthecounterandcamerightatme.Myfeetdidn’tmovewhichallowedhim

topullmeintoahug.Ilikedhishugs,Ilikedbeingnearhim,butheheldmesotightthatIcouldn’tmove

myarmstoreturnthehug.

Iwassafe.

Pleasedon’tletgo.

He slowly pulled away as his lips brushed against my cheek. It was very light and smooth and I

wasn’tsureifheevenmeantit.

Butthenhelookedatme,andthatsmiletoldmehemeantit.

Didhejustkissme?

God,Idon’tevenknow.Howmessedupisthat?

He let me go, went to my room, and came out with his socks and shoes. “I’ll see you at noon,

beautiful.”

Ittookmewhatfeltlikeforeverbeforemyfeetmadeittothedoortoredothelocks.

Hewascomingbackatnoon.

Whatthehelljusthappened?

Chapter12-Ashton

Lincoln knocked at my door every day at noon for the rest of the week. We cuddled, watched

movies,andhelefteverydayatfourwithoutquestionorbuggingmetostaylater.Wedidn’ttalktoomuch,

buthewouldtellmeaboutworkandfillmeinonNatalieandNick’srelationship.Hethoughtitwasabad

ideabecausehissisterthinksit’sjustafuck-buddytypeofrelationshipwhileshedeniesherfeelingsfor

Nick.

Sofartherewerenomorespendingthenightanddefinitelynobrushingofhislipsonmycheek.I

was,forthemostpart,disappointed.

Mike texted me every day, and two of those days he came over for dinner. He praised me and I

thoughteachtimehewasgoingtobreakdownandcry.

AllweekLincwasinacarefreemood,givingmetheimpressionthatitwouldtakealottobring

himdown.Hewasalwayshappyandsmiling.HelaughedatmeafewtimeseventhoughIknowI’mnot

funny, but I just smiled and let it go. He was a good person, inside and out, full of life and hope and

positivity.

I’musinghiminawayasarolemodelformyownpersonalgain;inaway,Iwanttobelikehim.I

knowIcan’tbeahundredpercentlikehim,buteventenortwentypercentwouldhelp.Icouldlivewith

that.

It’sfinallyMonday,andI’mnotsureIshouldhaveaskedhimtocome.Itdidn’tfazehimonebitthat

hewashere.HeknockedonmydoorwhenItoldhimto,andhewalkedwithmetoSuzanne’soffice.

MyglasseswerestillonwhenIsatattheendofthecouchandpulledmylegstomychest.

Iwasnervous.

Verynervous.

AndthesmallglanceSuzanneshotmywayconfirmedsheknewhownervousIwas,butshesmiled

atme.She’salwayssmiling.

“I’ve heard a lot about you, Lincoln,” Suzanne informs him as she sits in her chair. “Or do you

preferLinc?Ashtonhascalledyoubybothnames.”

“Youtalkaboutme?”Lincolnturnedtowardsme,surprised.“Eitheroneisfinewithme,”hesaid

settlingintothecouchontheoppositeend.

“Okay.” She smiled. “Well, I’ll start. First off, this is a safe place. For us all. No judging, no

criticizing,andnonamecalling.It’sacomfortzoneforAshton,anditwillremainthatway.Forthemost

part,anythinggoes.AshtonandIareusedtoeachotherbutfeelfreetointerruptoraskquestionsatany

time.”IsawLincolnnodhisheadinagreementandshecontinued,“I’mnotsurewhatallshe’ssharedbut

fornow,I’llstartlikewealwaysdo.”Sheturnedtome.“Recap?”

SuzannewrotesomuchIthoughtshewasgoingtogetwriter’scramp.Itoldhereverythingexcept

thealmostkissthatIknewnowwasn’tanalmostkiss.Itwasanaccident.

Suzanne stopped writing shortly after I stopped talking. “This is good, Ashton. We can talk more

about it next week if that’s okay.” I agreed with a nod and she kept going. “I’d like to ask Lincoln a

question.” Again, he gave her a nod. “If you could ask Ashton any question in the world that she was

requiredtoanswer,whatwoulditbe?”

“Really,Suzanne,”Iblurtedout.I’msurehehasamillionandonequestionshewantstoaskme.

How he could narrow it down to one was beyond me. What would be worse is if she expected me to

answerit.

My foot started to tremble, taking Lincoln’s attention away from Suzanne, but only for a few

seconds.

He looked back at her, opened his mouth, but then closed it. He was having problems picking a

question.Onequestionwouldbarelytellyouanythingaboutme.

Heleanedhiselbowsonhiskneesandlookedatmesideways.Hisforeheadwrinkledashethought

harder. He lookedatmeforsolongthatIstartedtoworry.IlookedatSuzanneandgavehermy‘do

something’look.Sheacknowledgedmewithasmilethencompletelyignoredmeasshefocusedon

Lincolnagain.

Lincoln whipped his head to Suzanne and back to me. Then again. He was so confused; he was

goingtoendupwithwhiplashifhekeptatit.Ihadnoideawhatcouldpossiblybegoingoninthathead

ofhis.

“FuckLinc,itcan’tbethathard!”Iyelledathim.“Youwantmetohaveapanicattack?Iwillifyou

don’thurryup!Justaskthequestion.”

Myheartcontinuedtobeathardagainstmyribs.Eventhoughitwashardtobreathe,itfeltdifferent

thanmynormalpanicattacks.

Iwasmad.

Frustrated.

Iwasn’tsurewhybutanythinggoesinthisroom,andIwantedtobemadatthismoment.

Hewassmilingatme!

Whatthehelldoeshekeeplookingat?

Suzannefinallyspokeup,“Well?”

“IthinkIknowtheanswertomyquestion,”hesaid.“Besides,Idon’twanttopushher.Youknow,

causeapanicattack.”

“That’sniceLincoln,sweeteven,butit’sokay.We’redoingthisnewthingnow,rightAshton?”

Ihuffed.

“Push,push,push,”Suzannemocked.

“Ihaveaquestion,”Isaidtotallyignoringher.

ThisroomgavemethestrengthandpowerIwishIcouldhaveallthetime.OnehoureachweekI

feltstrongandbrave.I’mnotsurewhy,maybeit’sbecauseofSuzanneormaybeit’sbecauseI’mfucked

up,butapartofmestilllivesinthatdamnroom.Trapped.Iguessmaybeapartofmelivesinthisroom

also.ThatpartIwanttokeepwithmeatalltimes.

“Whyareyounicetome?”Iaskedhimandwatchedasaconfusedscrunchedupfacereplacedhis

smile.

“Ialreadytoldyou.”Heshruggedhisshoulders.“Ilikeyou.”

I dropped my legs to the floor. “Why do you like me, Linc? I still don’t get it. I’m fucked up. I

barelytalktoyou.Youbarelyknowme,andthatmightnoteverchange.YoumightnoteverknowwhoI

reallyam.”

“Ashton,”Suzannewarned.“Isaidallthingsgo,butyoudon’thavetobeabitch.”

“Youcalledmeabitch!”

“Iwasn’tlying.”

Shewasn’tlying,Iwasbeingabitch.

Whyme?

“It’s hard to explain,” Lincoln said. “I’m drawn to you, like a connection of sorts, and I like it. I

wanttoexplorethesefeeling.”Therewasapausewhenhelookedatmebutthistime,hewasn’tsmiling.

“Iknowmyquestion.”

OhGod.

Thiswasit.

Theworldjustmightendwiththisonequestion.

“Willyoueverletmeseeyouwithoutyourglasses?”

Yes.

CouldItrusthim?

Couldhehandletherealme?

Myreallife?

Myexperiences.

Thepain.

Theheartache.

DoIwantmore?

“Ashton?”IfinallybrokeeyecontactwithLincolnandslowlyturnedmyheadtowardher.

MybodyrelaxedwhileIspoke,“I’mafraidI’dlosewhatlittlepieceofhimIhave.”

Lincolnletoutasigh,andbothofusturnedtohim.

“I’dtakeabulletforyou.”

“What?”Iaskedbreathlessly.

“I’dtakeabulletforyou.Pushyououtofthewayofamovingvehicle…IguesswhatI’mtryingto

sayisthat…I’llprotectyou.I’lltakecareofyou.”Ibelievedhim.“Youhavenoreasontobeafraidof

me.Ifoundoutalongtimeagothatlifewastooshort.IhaveafeelingIwaswaitingforyoubecauseI

sweartoGodIcan’tstopthinkingaboutyou.IlovethewayyoumakemefeelwhenI’maroundyou,and

evenwhenyou’renotaround,IlovethefeelingIgetwhenIthinkofyou.EverythingIknowsofar,noneof

itscaresmenordoesitmakemewanttowalkawayfromyou.Iwanttoknoweverything,Ash.”

Ifeltatearfalldownmycheek.Lincoln’sbrightblueeyeswerehopefulashepatientlywaitedfor

metosaysomething.“Ifyouletmein,Ipromiseyou,youwon’tregretit.”

Ifeltanothertearfallasapaintuggedatmyheart.I’veneverfeltsomethinglikethisbefore.We

continued our silent stare down. The entire room was in complete silence except for the sound of my

heartbeatdrumminginsideme,consumingmecompletely.

Lincolnslowlyslidacrossthemiddlecushionofthecouchuntilourthighstouched.“Doyoutrust

me?” he asked softly but I was more focused on his blue eyes. The longer I looked, the clearer they

seemed,framedbydark,longeyelashes.

HowdidInotknowthisalready?

Iscannedtherestofhisface.Ashortpieceofhairfellonhisforehead.ThecolorwassomethingI

never saw before: a mixture of blondes, browns, and honey. He needed to shave, or maybe he liked

havingathincoatoffacialhaironhisface.Hewastan,probablybecausehe’soutsiderunningalotandI

mustsay,hewasgorgeous.

Hewasagorgeousman.

Beautiful.

Handsome.

Whatwasgoingon?

Something’shappeningtome.

Lincolnreachedupslowly,andputhishandonthesideofmyhead,grippingmyglasseslightlyin

hishands.

Moretearsfellashishandsgotcloser.

“Ash.” One word. One sweet word and it meant everything to me at that moment. I said nothing,

criedharder,anddugmyfingersintomyside.

Therewasnogoingbackafterthis.

HeslidmyglassesoffslowlyandIkeptmyeyesclosed.TheonethingIcouldn’thandlewasthe

lookonhisfacewhenhesawmeforthefirsttime.ThatwassomethingIcouldneverforget,amemoryI

wouldnotwantfortherestofmylife.

I’mnotsurehowlongIsattherewithmyeyesclosedbuttheroomremainedsilentandIhaven’tfelt

himmoveatall.

Myhearthurt.

Myeyeshurt.

Mywholebodyhurtwithrejection.

“You’redoinggreat,Ashton,”Suzanneboasted.

I slowly opened my eyes until I saw his sparkling bright blue eyes staring back at me. He was

smilingatme.Thesamekindofsmilehealwaysgivesmebutthistime,itwasmorethanjustasmile.

Therewassomethingbehindthesmilecombinedwiththesparkleofhiseyes,anditwascomforting.

Nopity.

Notoneounceofpity.

Thewordsfellfrommymouthwithoutathought.“ThefirsttimetheDevilattackedmehetookthe

sightfrommyrighteye.HehitmesomanytimesinthefaceIlosttrackandblackedout.Iwokeup,days

later,inawhiteroomwithbandagesovermostofmyface.Ihaven’tbeenabletoseeoutofmyrighteye

since.”

“Ihaven’tlookedatmyselfinsixyears,Linc.Thatisn’tnormal.I’mnotnormal.”Ishookmyhead.

“Therearemore.Morescars.Somefromhim,someIdidmyself.”Ijustkepttalking,notmakingmuch

senseatall.“Ifoundthedarkness,embraceditandspentmostofmytimetherehidingfromhim. Every

timehecametovisitme,Ileft.IwentintothedarknesssoIcouldn’tfeelwhathewasdoingtomeormy

body.Ididn’twanttoremember.Itwasliketurningalightswitchonandoff.”

“Ihatehimforwhathedidtome.Ihatethathe’sstillfuckingcontrollingmeandI’mlettinghim.

I’mstilllettingthatsicksonofabitchcontrolme.Ifuckinghateit!Butit’snotenough.It’snotenough

becauseIcan’tstopit.Idon’tknowhowtostopthewayI’mlivingmylifeandtheworstpartofitis,that

Ican’texplainit.SohowcanIstopdoingsomethingIcan’tevenexplain?ThewayIfeel,thewayIthink,

why I do this stupid shit every day, I just don’t know. I’m so fucked up and lost inside myself I’m

surprisedI’mevenfunctioningatall.”

Lincolnscootedcloserandcradledmyheadinhishands.Histhumbswipedundermyeyesandhim

feelingmyscarsforthefirsttimemademecringe.

“Ash,they’rebattlescars.”

“Huh?”

“YouwenttowarwiththeDevil.Youfought.Yousurvived.ThoseareyourbattlescarsAsh,and

theydon’ttakeawayfromyourbeauty.”

I stood and pulled my shirt up. “What about these, Lincoln?” I choked up. “You still think I’m

beautiful?”Iaskedandrefusetolethimanswer.“TheDevilgotmepregnant,butIwassomalnourished

thatIdidn’tknowIwaspregnantuntilIfeltthebabykickinginsideofme.Therewasnowaytohideit

fromhim.Themomenthefigureditout,hebeattheshitoutofmeuntilIpassedout.Iwokeupdayslater

withamutilatedstomachfromwherehecutmeopenandkilledmybaby.IshouldhavediedbutIwasn’t

solucky.”

Lincoln’s eyes were full of tears, and as one slipped down his cheek, he stood and said,

“Everythingaboutyouisbeautiful,Ash.Thosescarsareontheoutside.Stoplettingthemleakinsideand

ruinyou.”

Ikindofunderstandthewhole‘beingdrawntoyouthing’now.Therewassomethingabouttheway

hewaslookingatme.Likehehadasecretthathewasn’tgoingtoshare.

Indescribable.

Thisfeelinginmyheartwasindescribable.

Youlikeit.

“IwanttobethepersonthatyouneedbecausehonestlyAsh,you’realreadythepersonthatIneed.”

IheardasniffandturnedtoSuzanne.Shehadatissueinherhanddabbinghereyes,butmyfocus

wenttoherhair.Itwasblonde.WhichIalreadyknew,butit’sreallyblonde.Likealmostwhite.Afew

bangsfellsidewaysacrossherforehead,andtherestwaspiledhighonherheadinabun.

Didshedosomethingtoherhair?

Shedroppedthetissueandputherglassesbackonandlookedatme.Myjawdroppedandmyeyes

grewthesizeofaFrisbee.Hereyesweregreen.Strikingandsolid.Shewaspretty,soprettythatIthought

shecouldbeamodel.

Jesus,shebarelylookedtwenty-five.

Shesmiledatme,withapprehensiononherfaceandthat’swhenInoticedit.

Ascar.Itwasfaded,notfresh,butIsawit.

Iwalkedaroundthecoffeetableandsatonit,soIwasfacetofacewithher.

The scar ran from her left temple down to the tip of her jaw. Even though it was faded, clearly

anyonelookingatherwouldnoticethatscar.

Youcan’tnotseeit.

What.The.Fuck.

“Whatthefuck,Suzanne.”Ipointedtoherface.“Whendidthathappen?OramIseeingthings?I

mean,surelyI’dnoticethatbeforetoday.”

She dropped her notebook on the floor and leaned forward. “I’ve been waiting six years for this

day,Ashton.”

“Whatdoesthatevenmean,Suzanne!”

Didshebetrayme?

Sixyears!NoonesaidanythingforsixyearsaboutthefactthatmytherapistandIbothhavefacial

scars.

Dideveryonelietome?

“Youliveinyourownworld,Ash.”

“Youliedtome?”

“Nooneliedtoyou.”

“I’mconfused.”

She reached out and grabbed my hands. “In your world Ash, you only see what you want to see.

Evenifwewouldhavementionedit,Idoubtyou’dseeitanyway.”

Herscardidn’ttakeawayhervision,butitstillhadtohavehurt.Iwonderwhathappenedtoher?

Whodidthattoher?DoesshethinkofthatpersonastheDevilalso?DopeoplehavetheirownDevils?

Demons?

“Doyourememberthefirsttimewemet?”sheasked.

Inodded.

“You’rethefirstpersonthatlookedatmedifferently.YouandIhavemoreincommonthanyou’ll

everknow.ItwasrefreshingtohavesomeonelookatmelikeIwasnormal,liketherewasn’tahugescar

thatrandownmyface.”

Ihuffed,“Normal.”

“Normal.” She smiled. “You weren’t ready then, and you haven’t been. Until now.” She nodded

towardsLincoln.“Itoldyouthiswouldbegoodforyou.”

“Whyareyoualwaysright?”

Sheshruggedhershoulder.

“WhydoIfeellikeI’vebeenliedto?MyparentsandMikehavebothmetyou.”

Istoodupandwentbehindthecouch,Lincolnwatchedmethewholeway.Isawmyglassesonthe

coffeetableandstartedtopace.“Someoneshouldhavetoldme.Don’tyouthinkthiswouldhavehelped

mealongtimeago?Imean,maybeIcouldhavegottenmyshittogethersooner!”

“Ashton, things like this take time. Why do you think I keep pushing you? This had to happen on

yourownterms.Youweren’tready.”

Iputmyhandsupintheairandclosedmyeyes.Iinhaledandexhaled.

Idroppedthemtomyside.“Youdon’tknowthatbecauseyouneverdidit.Noonedid.”Myparents

weregonebutnotmybrother.“Ifeelbetrayedandliedtoforareason.”

“Themoreyouthinkaboutit,themoreyou’llcometounderstandthatthiswaswhatwasbestfor

you.Ican’tchangehowyoufeel,soifyoufeelthatweliedorbetrayedyou,I’msorry.Thatwasn’tour

intention.”

“Thetruthwouldhavebeenbestforme.”Iwalkedovertothecoffeetableandgrabbedmyglasses.

“Ash?”Lincolnquestionedbutmyfocuswasonher.

“I’mdone,”IsnappedatSuzanne.Iwasoutofhere.

“Pleasedon’tleave,Ashton,”Suzannesaidbehindme.Mystepsquickened.

“You’reallowedtofeelthisway!”sheyelledonelasttime.

Hellyes,I’mallowedtofeelthisway.

I slipped my flip flops off as soon as I hit the pavement outside of the office and started to run.

Lincolnwasnexttomewithinsecondsandstayedbymyside.Runningwashisthing,notmine.Bythe

timeIgottotheapartmentbuilding,mymuscleswereonfireandIstartedtocrampup.

ButIdidn’tcare.

Iwasonamission.

IranupthestairstothetopfloorandstartedpoundingonMike’sdoor.

“Mike!Openup.”

Lincolnfollowedme.“Ash,Iknowthisisalottodealwith,butyou’regoingtobeokay.”

Iignoredhimagain.

TherewasonlyonepersonIwantedtotalkto.

“Mike!”

The door flew open and the only thing he was wearing was shorts. “Ashton, what’s going on?

Why-”

ItookmyglassesoffsohecouldseemeglareathimandIjabbedhiminthechest.“Youasshole!”

“Whatthehellisgoingon?”HeglancedbetweenLincolnandme.“Yourglasses-”

“Suzannehasascar,Mike.Didyouknowthat?Didyouknowshehasafuckingscaronherface!”I

didn’tlethimanswer.Ikeptpushinghimbackintohisapartmentwithbothhandsonhischest.“Ofcourse

you did! It’s hard to miss, but for some fucked up reason, I NEVER saw it. I never saw it until today,

Mike!”

“Whenwemether-”

“You’remybrotherMike,mybrother!”Itwastoolateforanexplanation.“Someoneshouldhave

told me. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me lately.” I tossed an arm Lincoln’s way. “He has

brightblueeyes,themostincrediblecolorblueI’veeverseen.DidyouknowthatIneverknewthatuntil

today?I’veneverseenhim.I’veneverseenSuzanne.”Ishookmyhead.“I’msofuckedup.”Ispunaround

toleave,andMikegrabbedmyarm.“Don’tyoufuckingtouchme,”Ibitoutandpulledaway.

“Mikehoney,what’sgoingon?”

Iturnedaroundtoseeawomanwithdarkblackhairstandingbythehallwayinmybrother’sgrayt-

shirt.Justhisgrayt-shirt;IknewitwashisbecausemymomhadboughtitforhimthelastChristmaswe

spenttogether.

“Whoareyou?”Iasked.

She crossed her arms full of attitude but stopped herself immediately. She saw me. The real me.

Andshelookedlikeshewasgoingtopuke.

Ipointedather.“Thatlook,Mike.Theoneyourprettylittlegirlfriendhasonherface.That’show

you,Mom,Dad,thedoctorsandnurses-that’showeveryonelooksatme.Ihatethatfuckinglook.Pity.

Shefeelssorryforme.SheprobablythinksI’msomekindoffreakorthatIdidthistomyself.”

“Hey-”shetriedtotalk.

“Rox-”Mikecutheroff.

“Youliedtome,Mike!”Iyelledtoshutthembothup.

“Ididn’tfuckinglie,”hesaidslowlythroughatightjaw.

“Yes. You. Did.” I spun around and smacked right into Linc. I pushed off him and ran down the

hallwaylisteningtomybrotherandLincolnyellingmyname.

“Ash!”

Ineededtogetoutofthere.

Ineededspace.

Ineededtobreathe.

LincolncaughtuptomeatmydoorwhileIfumbledwithmykeysasthetearsfellfast.

“Letmehelpyou,Ash,”Lincolnsaidandreachedformykeys.Ilethimopenthedoor,andhetried

tofollowmein.

Iputmyhanduptostophim.“No,Ican’tLinc.I’msorry.”

“Areyousure?”

“Ineedsometime.Space.”

“I’macrossthehalloraphonecallaway,Ash.”HepulledmeintoahugandIlethim.Imeltedinto

hisarms;hesmelledsogood,thewarmthfromhimcoveredmelikeablanket.“Imeanit,Ash.”Hekissed

thetopofmyhead.“Youjustletmein.Please,don’tpushmeoutatthesametime.”

“Ineedtobealone.”

“Alright,I’llletyougo.”Hehesitatedforafewminutesthenletmego.

Lincoln

Ididn’tseeorhearfromAshtonfortwodays.

Chapter13-Lincoln

Thepoundingonthedoorwokemeupfrommynap.Sometimes,whenI’mluckyIcansneakinan

hourortwoduringthedaywhichhelpsbalanceoutmyfour-hournights.Imoaninfrustrationbutforce

myselfoffthecouchandslowlyheadtothedoor.

Ifit’sNick,I’mslammingthedoorinhisface.

Ifit’sAsh,I’mswoopingherupinmyarmsandneverlettinghergo.

IopenthedoortofindMike.“What’sup?”Thisisthesecondtimehe’sbeenhere.I’msureforthe

samereasonasthelasttime—Ash.She’signoringhimforareason.Idon’tblameher,butIcanseeit

frombothsides,I’mtryingtostayoutofitandletthemworkitoutontheirown.

“Sorrytobotheryouagainbuthaveyouheardfromhersinceyesterday?”Hehadhisphoneinone

handandtheotherrestingonahip

“Noman.LikeIsaidyesterday,shejustneedssometime.”

I needed time to process the shit she told me. I wish I knew who this Devil person was that did

thosehorrible,unspeakablethingstohersoIcouldpayhimavisit.Ihopedhewasalreadyrottinginhell

likehedeserved.

“Fuck!” He stormed off to Ashton’s door and started pounding on it. “Ashton! Open the fucking

door!”Hepoundedsomemore,andIwalkedovertohelpbecauseI’mhereforher,nomatterwhat.He’s

hittingthedoorhardereachtimehisfistconnectswithit.

“Areyoureallythatworriedabouther?”

Maybegivingherspacewasn’ttherightthingtodo.

“Ihaven’theardfromherintwodays.Iknowshe’spissed,butthisisn’tright.”Hepoundedafew

moretimesonherdoor.Hedroppedhisvoice,“Ijusthaveabadfeeling.”Hereallywasworriedabout

her.Hestartedpoundingagain.“Ashton!”

Shit!Irunmyhandsthroughmyhair.

Mondayseemedtohavebeensomekindofbreakthroughforher.Iunderstandwhatthosefirstfew

dayscandotoyouaftersufferingorhavingabreakthrough.Youdon’twanttodoanything,letalonethink.

Apartofyouwantstocontinuedownthatpath,andtheotherpartwantstostayinthedark.Thedarkness

isthemostpowerfulthingonEarth.Itcanbringyoupeaceandcomfort,butatthesametime,itdestroys

you.Itcontrolsyou.Itcontrolsyourlife.It’sanunknownforcedrivenbyourfearsandemotions.

“Yougotsomeboltcutters?”Iasked.

Healmostsmiled.“Yeah,berightback.”

Istartedknockingonherdoorthentookabreaktosendatextmessage.IgotnoresponsesoItried

calling,butitwentstraighttovoicemail.Herphonemustbeoff.Theworstfeelingwashedovermeeven

thoughshepromisedshewouldneverdoanythingtohurtherselfagain.

“Here.”Mikeappearedfromnowhere,handingmethecutters.Heunlockedthedoor,pusheditopen

asmuchasthechainswouldallow,thenIcutallthreeofthem.

“She’llnothandlethechainswell,soI’llgetthemreplacedafterthis.”

MikeimmediatelyrushedoffdownthehallwayyellingAshton’sname.

IshutthedoorandmademywaytoherroomwhereIheardMiketalking.Ileanedagainstthedoor

framesoIcouldseeintotheroom.MikewassittingonthesideofthebedandAshtonwascurledintoa

ballwithherbacktous.Theentireapartmentwasdark,darkerthannormal.Itwasperfectlyquietalso.

NoTV,nomusic,notevenafan.

Nothingbutdarkness.

Thedarknessshe’sallowingtokeepherinthestateofmindshe’sbeeninforyears.

“Ashton,youneedtogetup,”Mikesaysquietly,watchingher,waitingforsomekindofresponse.

“Leave.”Ibarelyheardherdry,chokedoutresponse.

“Haveyoubeeninbedfortwodays?”hesaidslowly,abitirritated.

“Goaway.”Shedidn’tmove,andMiketriedtolaynexttoherwhichgetshimagoodsmacktothe

head.“Getout!”sheyelledwithoutlookingathim.

Mikeglancedatme,IgavehimmybestIdon’tknowlookandshrugmyshoulders.

Iwasn’tsureI’minthebestpositiontodoanything.

“Ashton,Iwon’tletyoudothistoyourself,”Mikestarted.“You’renotgoingbacktherebecauseof

me.So,getupandgetyourshittogether.Please,don’tdothistoyourself.”

“Fuckoff,”shewhisperedthistime,clearlycrying.Herbreathingwascominginshort,smallgasps.

Miketouchedhershoulderandsighed.“It’sbeensixyears,Ashton.Iwon’tfuckoff.Iwon’tgive

up.I’llnevergiveuponyou.Pleasejusttalktome.”

Ishouldleaveandletthemhavetheirprivacy,IthoughtatthesametimeMikelookedatme.“Linc’s

here,”hetoldherbutkeptaneyeonme.Ican’tleavenow.

Iknowallabouthidinginthedarkness.I’vebeendepressed,hurt,andupsettothepointofwhereI

thoughtmylifewasover.Ididn’tthinkIwouldgetoverwhatIdidtomyfather.Ithoughtthepainofbeing

responsibleformyfather’sdeathwouldneverstop.Iblamedmyselfforalongtime.Istillblamemyself,

butitwasanaccident;Natwastheonewhobrokethroughtome.WhatNatdidtoandforme,sucked.Her

actionspissedmeoffatthetime,butintheend,itworked.

Twodayscouldturnintofourdays,thenfive.Beforeyouknowit,awholeyearpassesby.

Depressionwasabitch,andnoonedeservedherwrath.

ItoldAshtonIwantedtohelp.

ItoldherI’dbehereforher,soI’mnotleaving.

Sheneededtosnapoutofit.

Sheneededawake-upcall.

Actionsspeaklouderthanwords.

Shit,wasIreallygoingtodothis?

“Please,Ashton,”Mikecontinuedtobeg.

“Isaid,getthefuckout,Mike!Leavemealone,Idon’twanttoseeyouortalktoyou.Leaveme

alone.”Shesobbedsomemore.“Getoutnow!”sheyelled.

Iwasgoingin,anditdidn’tmatterifIpissedthembothoff.

Ashtonwantstomoveon,benormal-whateverthatmeans-thenI’mgoingtohelpherfindwhat

she’slookingfor.

“Please Ash, get up.” I walked into the room and waited about a minute. “Last chance, Ash,” I

warned,butshedidn’tmove.

Mike was still staring at the floor as I walked over to her bed. I leaned in close and noticed she

didn’thaveherglasseson.Idon’tcarewhatanyonesays,she’sbeautiful.Yes,thescarsarethere,yesher

eyeisslightlydiscolored,butallIseeisbeauty.

Astrong,beautifulwomanwhomI’mveryattractedto.

“GetupAsh,”Iwhisperedinherearandshecontinuedtocry.

Iknowherbrotherwon’tdoit,soI’mtakingcontrol.

I stood up and asked Mike to leave so he didn’t have to see what I was about to do. But before

Mikecouldsayanything,Ashtonjumpedupandstoodonthebed.

“Iwantbothofyoutoleave!Thisismyapartment.”SheglaredatmeforasecondthenMike.Her

handswereinfistsatherside.Asmallsmiledancedonmylips,butIgotridofitbeforeshesawit.

She’slividanddoesn’tcareaboutanythingrightnow.NowthatI’veseenher,Iwon’teverlether

hidefrommeagain.

“Thetwoofyoubrokeintomyapartment.Ishouldcallthecops!”

Mikestoodfromthebed.“JesusAshton,Iwasworriedaboutyou!You’remysister,Iloveyouand

Iwon’tletyousitinhereandrotlikethis!”

“Sixyears,Mike.SixfuckingyearsI’mtryingtogetmyshittogether,figureouthowtolivemylife,

andIfindoutyouliedtometheentiretime!”

“Ididn’tfuckinglietoyou,Ashton!”heyelled.

Ashtonleanedherheaddowntowardshim.“Yes.You.Did.”Shepointedathimandloweredher

voice.“YouNOTtellingmeisstillfuckinglying,Mike.”

I disagreed with her but, again, I’m not telling her that. It was something she had to learn to deal

withonherown.Suzannewasright,Ashtononlysawwhatshewantedtosee.

IthinkthiswillbeeasierformebecauseI’manoutsider.Imightloseherafterthis,butit’sarisk

I’mwillingtotake.I’vebeeninhershoes.Iknowwhatshe’sgoingthrough.

“Bothofyoushutup!”Ididn’tyellbutImademyselfclearthatIwasserious.Iwalkovertothe

bed;Ash’seyesneverleavingmine.Igrabbedheraroundthewaistandtossedherovermyshoulder.

“OhmyGod,”shescreamedandstartedpoundingmeontheback.“Putmedown,Linc.”

IstoppedandturnedbacktoMike.“Youmightwanttoleavenow.”

Hehesitatedforaminutebutturnedtoleave.

“Mike,getyourassbackhere.Youcan’tleaveme!”

Hestoppedatthedoorway.“I’mnotleavingyou,Ashton.You’renotreadytotalktome,Igetit.”

She started to wiggle and pushed against my back. “I’ll talk to you now, Mike! Please, don’t do

this.”

“Iloveyou,Ashton,”hesaidwalkingout.

“Fucker!”Shepushedagainstmeagainandtriedtokickme.“Letmedown.”

Iwalkedintothebathroom,pulledtheshowercurtainback,andturnedthewateron.

Herpanicattackstartedtokickin,herbreathingbecameragged.“Don’tyoudare,Linc.”Shealmost

got loose, but I adjust her on my shoulder and yank her socks off. I needed to hurry up. “Please, I’m

beggingyouLinc,don’tdothistome!”

“You can hate me all you want afterward, but right now we’re getting in this shower and you’re

goingtolistentome.NoneedforapanicattackAsh,nothingbadwillhappentoyou.Ijustwanttotalkto

you.”

I twisted her small body around me and her legs went around my waist. Incredible. But a split-

second was all I allowed before I pushed away all the naughty, dirty thoughts that were threatening to

invademymind.

After I checked the temperature of the water, I stepped into the shower with her completely

wrappedaroundme.Shedoesn’tmoveorsayanythingasIputherbackundertheshowerstreamandhold

herthere.Shedoestenseup,butIholdhertighterwhilethewatercontinuestosoakus.Afterwhatfelt

likehours,sheslowlyliftedherhead.

God,I’ddoanythingtokissthosesoft,perfectheart-shapedlipsofhers.

“Areyouawakenow,Ash?”

“Whatdoyouthink,Linc?”shehissedatme.

Ichuckled.“Youlooklikeyouarebecauseyoureyesareopenbutthat’snotwhatImeant.”

“Enlightenmethen,”shesneered.

“Putyourheadbackandcloseyoureyes.”

“Areyougoingtodrownme?”

“You’refunny,”Isaidsarcastically.

Sheslowlyputherheadback,lettingthewatersoakherhair.Sheclosedhereyesandletthewater

rundownherface.Iputmyhandbehindhernecksoshecouldfullyrelaxwhilethewaterranoverher

face.

Sheopenedhereyesandblinkedoffthewaterdroplets.

Heregoesnothing.

“Idon’tknowwhatI’mdoing,”Istartedandsheraisedaneyebrowatme.“Justsoyouknow,it’s

adorable when you do that.” She rolled her eyes but I still had her attention. “I don’t know what I’m

doing,butwhateveritis,wedoittogether.” I paused to see if she would say anything and she didn’t.

“Wefigureitouttogether,Ash.Iwanttohelpyou.I’llbethereforyou.Butyouhavetoletme.Ifeellike

you’ve let me in. Not all the way, but we’ve made progress. You’re a beautiful, strong, independent

woman.You’redeterminedtomoveonfromyourpast.Iadmireyousomuchforthat,butyoucan’tmove

onunlessyouwakeup.”

“Wakeup?”

“Openyoureyesandwakeup,Ash.Youaren’tliving.Youisolateyourself.Youlive…”Iglance

downatherlips.

Don’tkissher.

I shook my head and continued, “"You shared a lot with me; just know that I don't need to know

anythingelse.Somehow,youneedtofindawaytoletitgo.Giveittomeifyouhaveto,butyouneedto

findawaytomoveon.Icanshowyouhowbeautifullifeis.Icanshowyouhowbeautifulyouare.”She

openedhermouthandIputmyfingertoit.“Don’ttellmeyou’renotbeautiful.You’renotallowedtosay

thattome.”

She reached up and pulled my hand from her face. “Then you’re not looking at me, Linc.” She

pointedtohereye.“This.is.Not.Beautiful.Nothingaboutitisbeautiful.”Shewiggled,andpushedaway,

soIletherslideherlegsdownandshestoodbeforemeintheshower.Shegrabbedthebottomofhershirt

andpulleditupandoverherhead,tossingitbehindmeinthetub.

Iwasn’texpectingthat.

Herblackbrawascompletelysoaked,andherponytailmusthavefallenoutbecauseherlongdark

hairwashalfwaydowntoherass.

“Lookatthese,Linc.”

Iglanceddownandsawascarrunningfromunderherbradowntothetopofherpants.

“TheDevilbutcheredmewithaknife.Rippedmeapart.”Shereachedaroundandtookherbraoff,

exposingherbreasts.Sheputherhandonherleftbreastandpulledittotheside.“I’mmissingpartofmy

breast,Linc.Thescarsrundownintomyhip.”

“Ash.”

“Shutup,”shesnappedandstartedtopullherpantsdown.Iwasn’tsurewhatwasgoingonbutI

wasn’tgoingtostopher.

“These ones,” she pointed to the inside of her thigh where I saw some faint white lines run up

between her legs. “I did these myself. I liked it. I enjoyed it. I’ve got scars everywhere, Lincoln.

Everywhere!”

“Justbecauseyouhavescarsdoesn’tmeanyouaren’tbeautiful.”

“Can’tyou-”

“Nowyoulistentome,”Igroundout.“ListentomeandhearwhatI’msaying,Ash.”Sheblinkeda

few times. “We both have battle scars but yours are on the outside.” I leaned into her. “This scar,” I

brushedmythumbunderherrighteye,feelingthecoarsenessofthescar,“thesemarks,tellmethatyou

fought a battle. Went to war. You were faced with a horrendous challenge; a challenge that no one, not

ever,shouldeverhavetolivewith.Butguesswhat?Youwonthebattle,thechallenge,andthewar.You

wonitallbecauseyou’realive.You’realiveandhavethescarstoproveit.Theymaynotbebeautifulto

you,butyou’regoingaboutthemallwrong.Weneedtochangethewayyouthinkbecausethey,”Iranmy

hand down her face, over her neck, breast, and then her stomach, “are… beautiful. They tell me you

fought.Theytellmethatyou’restrong.Theytellmethatyou’reasurvivor.Asurvivor,Ash.Unfortunately,

they’llnevergoawaysoyoushouldbeproudofthem.Embracethem.FindthebeautyinthemthatIdo.

Theyhealedontheoutsidebutyou,mybeautifulAsh,youneedtohealontheinside.”

Shestoodbeforemeinherpantieslookingtired.Weigheddownbysomuchshitthatsheprobably

feltlikemostdaysshewasdrowning.IwishIcouldtakeherpainawaybutIcan’t.Nothingcantakethe

pain away until you can forgive and move on. So, the only thing I can give her, is me, my support, and

encouragement.

Sheremainedquietforwhatfeltlikehours,butsheneededittosinkin.Mywordsneededtostay

withher.

“Doyougetitnow?WhyIthinkyou’rebeautiful?”

“Maybe.”

“Anditmightgetharder,butyou’vealreadysurvivedtheworst,right?”Shenoddedagain.“Itwill

never,never,everbethathardagain.Yourpastwasthehardestpart;therestiseasy.”Igrinnedandmy

eyesdroppedtoherlipsasshelickedthem.Iquicklyraisedmyeyes.“IpromiseIcanhelptipthescales

andmakethegoodoutweighthebad.”

Icouldn’thelpit,Ieyedherlipsagain.Fuckingperfect.

Iforcedmyeyesoffherlips.“CanIkissyou,Ash?”Iaskedonbarelyawhisper.

Ashton

Heasked.

Heaskedme.

Iclosedmyeyesandletmyforeheadrestagainsthischest.

Iwasstillnaked.

Ishowedhimeverything.

Allofme.

Thetuggingonmyheart,thatthingthatstirreddeepinsideatmycorewasaffectingmebutIwasn’t

surehow.

Lincolnaskedpermission.Hedidn’ttakeitfromme.

Thedecisionwasmine.Ineverthoughtkissingsomeonewouldeverbeanoptionforme.IfIsaid

yes,thiswouldbemyfirstkiss.Isn’titsupposedtoberomanticandperfect?NotsomethingI’mdebating?

Orspendingthismuchtimethinkingabout?

Hestillwantedtokissmeafterseeingtherealme;myscars,myflaws,andallmybroken,hideous

pieces.Itdidn'tbotherhimabit,notoncedidheaverthisgaze,cringe,ortrytorunaway.

Ihadbeeninbedfortwodays,cutthembothoff,feelingsorryformyself,buthewashere.

IthinkI’mmoreupsetwithmyselfthananythingbecauseasmuchasIhadconvincedmyselfthatI

wasmovingonandgettingbetter,Iwasn’t.Suzannewasright;IonlysawwhatIwantedtoseeandIhad

noideaIwasdoingit.

Islowlyliftedmyheadup,andsawhisbrightblueeyessmilingatme.Iswallowedthelumpinmy

throat,tryingtofindthewordstoexpressmyself,buttheywerelost.

Heslowlymovedmyhairasidefrommyface,andheldmyheadinhishands.

Heinchedclosertomyface,myheartpickingupspeed,myeyelidsslowlyclosing.Nothingcould

have prepared me for my first kiss. The connection. The passion. The fire I found inside myself was

growingstrongerthelongerhekissedme.

Iwasstartingtounderstand.

IfeltlikeIneededhim.

Neededhimtobreathe.Neededhimtolive.Neededhimtosurvive.

Hestoppedandletoutafrustratedmoan.

Pleasedon’tleaveme.

“Thankyou,”Iwhisperedagainsthislipsandrealizedmyhandswereonhiships.

Hecrackedasmile.

“I can’t explain it, not now, but that meant a lot to me.” I dropped my hands, pulled back, and

wrappedmyarmsaroundmybreasts.

Hemademefeelsafe.ThesafestI’veeverfeltinmylifebutIneededtogetoutofthisshowerand

putmyclotheson.

“Youokay?”heaskedreachingaroundmetoshutthewateroff.“DidIgotofast?”Hepulledthe

showercurtainback,andIansweredhimbypointingtoadrawer,“Towelplease.”

“Shit,” he muttered stepping out and grabbing a towel for me, which I quickly wrapped around

myself. He grabbed one and headed out of the bathroom shutting the door on his way out. I might have

upsethim,butIhadtotakethefewminutes.IhadtobeproudofmyselfforafewminutesbecauseIknew

itwouldn’tlastlong.

Chapter14-Lincoln

Ileftpartiallysoakedandfullyhard.

Ineededanothershower.Acoldfuckingshower.

After my shower, I dressed, and before I could leave my room, Nat came running in and began

jumpingonmybed.IhavenoideawhatsheandNickdidtheothernight,andItoldherIneverwantedto

know. I can’t even picture them together, not like sleeping together but just together as a couple. It just

didn’tseemrighttomebutwhatever,Ihadotherthingsonmymindrightnow.

“Hey,Linc,”shesaidwhilecontinuingtojumponthebed,herhairfreeandflyingaroundintheair.

“Whyareyousohappy?”IaskedbutsoonrealizeImightnotwanttheanswertothatquestion.

“Whyareyou,”sheflingsanarminmydirection,“sohappy?”

“Imighthavehadabreakthrough.”

“Youdeserveit.”

“Itcangoeitherway.”

“I’m sure it’ll be great!” She did gymnastics for several years during high school and some in

college,soitdidn’tsurprisemewhenshejumpedupintheairandlandedperfectlyonbothfeetonthe

floor.Sheeventossedherhandsupintheair,nailingthelookofmakingaperfectlanding.

“Maybewecouldallgooutfordinnersometime,likewhenMomcomestovisit?”

Iknewthatwouldn’thappen.

“She’snotreadyforthatNat,butI’llletherknowyouinvitedher.”

“Okay,”shesangwalkingoutofmyroomandIfollowed.

“WereyouthinkingaboutbringingNicktothisdinner?”

Sheshruggedashoulderandkeptwalking.

“Nat,”Iwarnedwatchingherploponthecouch,kickingherfeetuponthebacksideofit.

"Don'tworry,"shesighed,"Iknowwhathedoesanddoesn'twant."

"Okay."

"I'mtellingyou,I'mabiggirl."Shesatupandsmiled."I'vegotthis."

Shewaslying.Itwouldn’tsurprisemeifshewerealreadyfallinginlovewithhim.

It was time to change the subject. My sister’s sex life, even though it included my best friend,

wasn’tsomethingIwantedtodiscusswithher.ButIwouldbehavinganotherchatwithNick.

“Whatareyoudoingtoday?”Iaskedgrabbingmyfruitandyogurtfromthefridge.

Shecockedherheadtotheside.“Besidesworkingtonight?Doyoureallywanttoknow?”

“Nope.”

Itossedthefruit,yogurt,milk,andproteinpowderintotheblenderandturnediton.

Ihadthedayoffandwasn’tsurewhatIwasgoingtodowiththerestofit.Icouldgoforanother

run,dosomegroceryshopping,orjustbelazytherestoftheday.

OrIcouldbotherAshtonagain.

Idrankmysmoothiethenheadedtoherdoor.

I raised my hand to knock and paused. It might be too soon, I mean I did just put her in a cold

shower,watchherstripdowntoherpanties,andkissedher.

Itmighthavebeentoomuch.

Iwenttoknockagain.

Itwastoomuch.

Iturnedtoleaveandheardachainswipeontheothersideofthedoor.Ifrozeandlistenedtothe

othertwoandthenthedeadbolt.

The door opened and she gave me a shy smile. “I’m waiting for Mike, but I saw you in the

peephole.”

“Iwasgoingtoknock.”

“Isawthat.”

“ButIdidn’t.”

Shedroppedhereyes.“Iunderstand.”

Damnherlips.Perfect.Soft.Sweet.Icouldkisshereverysecondofeverydayandneverbore.

“Ashton.”Hernamebounceddownthehallway,andwebothlookedatMike.

“Allgood?”heasked,hiseyeslockedonhissister.

“I’mfine.”

Ishouldgo.Ishouldwalkbacktomyapartmentandtryanothertime.ButIjuststoodtherelikea

fool.

“So,”Mikesaid,rockingonhisheels.“Youcalledme,Ash.”

“Iknow-”

“Mybad,”Iinterrupted.“Ididn’tplanthis.”IwavedbetweenmyselfandAshton.“Textme.”

Ashtontextedmetherestoftheweekbutdidn’twanttoseemejustyet.

IgaveherthespacesheneededandonlyhopedthatIwasn’tlosingher.

Ashton

Suzannehuggedmetightlyanddidherbestnottocry.“I’msoproudofyou,”shewhisperedagain.

“Soproud.”

“Iknow.”

AssoonasIsawher,allmyfeelingschanged;myangerjustamemorynow.IknowIwasn’tliedto

orbetrayed.Ijustneededtimetosortoutmyfeelings.

Ialwaysneededtime.

“Okay then,” she said pulling back and I took in her scar again. I had been too selfish and forgot

aboutwhatSuzannehadbeenthroughtogetthatscar.

“Willyoutellmeaboutit?”Iasked,sittingonthecouchwhileshewenttoherchair.

“Aboutwhat?”Sheslippedherglassesoffandgrabbedhernotebookandpen.

I mocked her and gave her my best impression of how she says my name when I ask a stupid

question,“Suzanne.”

“What?”

“Push.Push.Push,”Imockedagain.

“Onetime.Thisistheonlydiscussionwe’llhaveaboutitbecauseit’sinthepastandI’vemoved

on.”

Ituckedmyfeetupandlistened.

“Iwasmugged.TheguyhadaknifeandIputupafight.Herapedme,cutme,andleftmefordead

behindadumpster.”

“Ohno.”

“Iwokeupanddrugmyselfoutofthatalleyandgothelp.”Shesmiled.“Ittakestime,anytraumatic

eventtakestimetohealfrom,andthat’swhyI’malwaystellingyouthatyou'redoinggreatbecauseyou

are.”

“Butsixyears,Suzanne.”

“It took me ten,” she said tapping her pencil on her notepad. “I was sixteen when it happened.

That’s why I’m a therapist. I wanted to know why someone would do that to another person. How

someone could be so cruel. I really wanted to understand people better, get inside their head, and see

whatmakesthemtick.IttookmeyearsbeforeIwouldleavethehouse.ItookallmyclassesonlineandI

combinedthatwithmyowntherapyandwell,”shesatupstraighter,“hereIam.”

Suzannewasmyhero.

Plainandsimple.

“Ten years,” I said softly still thinking about my life. My life. My apartment. I was literally just

sittingaroundwhilelifepassedmeby.“You’resobrave.”

“Soareyou,Ash.”

TherestofthehourIfilledherinonwhathappenedintheshower,andshestartedtocry.Itwasone

ofthebest,eye-openingsessionsI’veeverhad.IspentthreeyearswiththeDevil.Suzanneonlyhadone

nightwithhim,butitwasn’taboutthat.ItwasthefactthatweallhaveourownversionsofDevilsand

Demons.We’reallbattlingsomethingorsomeonethatwe’reafraidof,andit’showwedealwithitand

moveonthatmakesuswhoweare.

Overcomingourpastandsurvivingthebattleiswhatmakesusstronger.

IhadtofigureoutwhoIwasandIcoulddothatwhileIgotridofmyDemons.

I did my normal Monday routine after therapy and when I saw Lincoln in the hallway, I stopped

rightinfrontofhim.“Wouldyouliketohavelunchwithmetoday?”

Myhearttriedtostop.IttriedtocompletelyrunawayfrommebutIforcedittokeepbeating.

Afterall,it’smychoice.I’mstillincontrol.

“I thought you’d never ask,” he replied, his door already shut and we were in my place a few

secondslater.

“SoImightnotbegoodcompanyortalkmuch,butIwouldliketosaythankyoubeforeIforgetor

passoutwithapanicattack.”

“I’llmakesureyoudon’thaveapanicattack,”hesaidleaningagainsttheisland,watchingmyevery

move.Itwasweird,butIjustkeptmoving.

Nothinking.

Justmakethefood.

“Sandwichesokay?”

“Sure.”

“Chipsanddip?”

“Sure.Youwanthelp?”

“It’sokay.”

Imadesandwiches.Hetalked.Itwasagreatdistraction,butIalsowantedtohearabouthisweek.

Yes,wehadsentsometextmessages,buttheyweremainlymeconfirmingthatIwasaliveandwell.We

sat on the couch and ate our food and watched some random show. No panic attack, no racing heart or

blackdotsonmyvision.Noseekingoutthedarknesstohide.

Inmyhead,thingsweregoinggreat.

Lincoln

At some point after lunch, Ash sat next to me and I passed out. It was like her touch brought me

sleep,andIonlyhopedthatmaybemytouchbroughtherpeace.

Istretchedoutandshetriedtomove.“Don’t,”Imutteredkeepingaholdofherwithonearmand

withtheother,Itippedherchinup.Iunderstandwhyshehatesherface,hereye,andwhyitbothersherso

muchbuthonestly,ifpeopleknewthestorybehindit,they’dseethebeautyinitjustlikeIdo.Itshinesso

muchbrighterthanherscars.

“Areyouready?”Iaskedhersoftly.

“Forwhat?”

“Tofallinlovewithme.”

Hereyeswentwide.

“I’m kidding,” I lied. Did I really just say that, or am I still sleeping? “You ready for another

show?Dinner?”Thistime,Imoved.Ihadtogetoffthecouchandgohome.

Yes,that’sagoodthing.Thenshe’llforgetwhatIjustsaid.

Iwentbehindthecouchandcheckedoutthewallthathadpostitnotesonit.Someweretapedup,

someweren’t.Eachonereadsomethingdifferent,butthereweremanyduplicateones,likeonesthattold

hertocallherbrother.

Iglancedattheblackcurtains.

Iglancedattheblackcouch.

Iglancedbacktotheblackpost-it-notes.

Ashsurroundsherselfwithdarkness.

Didsheevenrealizeit?

Shedoesn’tletthelightin.

Sheneedsthelight.

Everyoneneedsthelight.

Iwalkedtothewindowandopenedthecurtain.

“Whatareyoudoing?”sheshrieked.

Thismightdestroyus.

Itmightdestroyher.

Iwasgoingallin.Jumpinginthedeepend.Swimmingwiththesharks.

She had blinds under them, so I pulled them up to the top and opened both windows. Fresh air.

Light.Ialreadyfeltadifference.

“Whatareyoudoing?”SherantothewindowsbutIgrabbedherandspunheraroundinmyarms.

“YousurroundyourselfwithdarknessAsh,howthehellareyousupposedtoescapeit?”

Sheblinkedafewtimes.“Idon’tknowhow.”

“Youneedtofindyourlight.”

“Light?”

“Findthelightinthedarknessandletitguideyouout.”

Shetookthetimetothinkaboutit,layingherheadonmychest.Westoodthereinthemiddleofher

living room, doing nothing but holding each other. She didn’t run from me. She didn’t push me away. I

wasn’t sure what was going on. I wasn’t sure what I was doing, but Nat did it to me and it helped. It

worked.IknowAshtonwentthroughsomethingmoretraumaticthanme,butIcouldonlypraythatshe’d

letmecontinuetohelpher.

Sheslowlyliftedherheadup,searchingmyface.“Isityou?”

“Me?”

“Mylight.”

“Ihopeso.”

Hereyesdroppedtomylips,andIcouldn’ttakeitanylonger.Iloweredmyheadandshemetme

halfway.

Tingles.

Sparks.

Everythingyoucouldimagineinakisswasthere.

Itwasallthere.

Everything.

Ashtonwaseverything.

Shestoppedandrestedherforeheadagainstmychest.

“Areyougoingtokickmyassnow?”Iasked.

“Iwantto.”Shetoldmychest.“Buttheotherpart.Thepartthat’stellingmethatthisisagoodthing.

Thatyouarehereforareason,istellingmenottokickyourass.”

I hugged her and whispered into her ear, “I don’t know everything or if you’ll ever tell me your

wholestory,buttrustmewhenIsay,itwillgetbetter.Beingfreeisthebestgiftintheworld.Iwantyou

tobefree.Enjoylife.Liveit.Trustme,it’llbeworthit.”

“Itrustyou.”

Chapter15-Ashton

Ilikeditdark,alwayshadandatthatmoment,Irealizeditwashardlyachangefromthosethree

yearsIwastrappedinthatroom.Thatroomhadnowindowsandonlyonelightbulbthatflickeredonand

off.Iwassurroundedbyconcreteonallfoursideswithametaldoor.Ihatedthelightandembracedthe

darkness.Inthedarkbadthingsdidn’thappen,Ifeltnopainnorrememberedit.

IknowLincolnwantstoknowmore,buthehasnoideawhathe’sgettinghimselfinto.AsmuchasI

thoughtIshould,Isimplycouldnotpushhimaway.

Inmymessed-uphead,Iwantedhimtosaveme.

Butnoonecouldsaveme.

Ihadtosavemyself.

Butwithhishelp.

I wanted him to know me. The real me, except I didn’t know who she was anymore. Telling him

moreofwhathappenedtomewouldchangethings,Iknowitwould.Iwasafraidofwhatwouldhappen.

I’msurehecouldimaginesomeofit,butnotallofit.Ilivedit,anditwasstillhardformetograspthe

realityofwhatmylifewasforthethreeyearsIwasgone.

Hewasmyfirstkiss.Andthesecondkissmademyheartstop,butatthesametime,Ifeltmylife

wasjustbeginning.

Afterward,Iallowedhimtostay.Itwaswaypastfourp.m.,andwewerestillhangingout.Iadmit,

Iwasn’tcalmandcollectedthewholetime,butIeventuallystoppedcheckingthetime.

AfterIhadturnedthelastmovieoff,hestoodfromthecouchandpulledmeintoahugwherehe

gavemeanicekissontheforeheadandheldmeforseveralminutes.

“So,doyoustilltrustme?”

“Itrustyou,”Isaidagain,hisblueeyesshiningbrighterthannormal.

Pleasedon’tleaveme.

“Thenit'ssettled,”hesaidreleasingme.“I’mstayingthenight.”

Itriedtospeak,butthewordswouldn’tcomeout.First,hethinksI’mgoingtofallinlovewithhim,

andnowhewantstospendthenight?

Butatthesametime,Idon’twanttobealone.

Icrossedmyarmsovermychest.“No.”

Hewenttoshutthewindowsandthentheblinds.“It’stoofuckinghotoutthere,butstillthecurtains

canstayopen.”

Ididn’tcareaboutthefuckingcurtains.

“Youwanttostaythenight?”

Hesmiled,shruggedashoulder,andwalkedrightpastmeanddownthehallway.“I’mnotleaving.”

IranafterhimandhejumpedonmybedbeforeIcouldprotest.

“We’vebeeninthisbedtoo-”

“Iknow,”Isaidcuttinghimoff.“Butthatwasdifferent.”

“Different,yes.Different,good.”Herolledover,givingmehisbackandrunninghishandoverthe

pillow.“Yep,I’mtotallystayingthenight.”

Ididn’tmove,juststoodtherewithheavyfeet.I’vebeendoingthisforsomanyyears,myroutine,

myschedule,thewayIlivemylife.ForsolongI’vewantedtochange,oralteritandasofyesterday,I

hadletLincolnchangemydayandpossiblymylife.

Iwenttothebathroom,washedmyfaceandhands.Brushmyteethandalmosttookanothershower

beforeIwentbackintomyroom.ItwasstillearlybutIamacreatureofhabit,andlovetofeelclean.

Iknewhewouldn’tpushme.Hewouldn’tgobeyondthesimplekissorcuddling.

Mybodyandbrainwereatwar.Iwantedtobeheld.Iwantedtobeloved,andmybrainandits

irrationalthinkingwerelost.IchangedintomypajamasandstoodatthesideofthebedadmiringLincoln

whohadpassedoutduringmytimeinthebathroom.

Icrawledintobed,hecurledintome,andweslept.

Wesleptallnight.

I woke up with my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Soft, smooth, and steady. I gently

rolled over and looked at the clock. It was fifteen minutes to nine. I had to pee. Normally I’d wait the

fifteenminutes,buttoday,todayIhadtochange.Ihadtogetonwithmylife.

Ifthatwaspossible.

MyfeethoveredabovethefloorforafewminutesbeforeIslowlysetthemdown.

“This just might be okay,” I muttered to myself letting my feet soak up the cold hardwood floors

throughmysocks.“Igotthis.”

Istoodandwalkedtothebathroom.Islowlymademywayin,shutthedoor,andbreathedindeep

andletitgo.

Ididit.Thealarmhadn’tevengoneoffyet.

TwostepstowardsthetoiletIstopped.Somethingwasdifferent.Itwasmissing.

Itwasgone.

Hetookit.

Ididn’tdaremovebecauseIdidn’twanttoseemyself.

EventhoughIwasmakingsomeprogress,Iwasn’treadytoseemyface.

ThepaininmyhearthurtsobadIhunchedover.

Hehadnorighttodothistome.

Igrabbedthesinktosteadymyselfandclosedmyeyes.

Ineededtogathermythoughtsandbreathe.Concentrateonmyfeelings.

Breathe,Ash!Justfuckingbreathesoyoucangokickhisass.

Thepanicattackhitmelikearock,soheavyandhardthatIhadtolowermyselfdowntothefloor.

Passingoutwhilestandingwasnotfun.IlayonthefloorandkepttakinginalltheairIcouldgetbutit

didn’tfeellikeitwasenough.

Iwasdrowning.

Hyperventilating.

Whywouldhedothis?

Ithoughtforsurehewouldhaveaskedmebeforehedidsomethingsostupid.Itwassostupid!

“Ash!”Lincolnrolledmeintohisarmsashesatonthefloor.“Fuck,Ash.I’msorry.Ithoughtyou’d

wakeupwithyouralarmclock.”Iwasstillstrugglingforair,waitingfortheblacknesstostrike.“Iwas

goingtodoitwithyou.Fuck.”Hekeptrockingme.“Justbreathe.Igotyou.I’msofuckingsorry.”

“Whyare,”anothergulpofair,“youdoing…thistome?”

“I’mjusttryingtohelp.Ifuckedup.”

Itookanotherbreathinandslowlyletitoutwhilethetearscollectedinmyeyes.“Whydidyoudo

thistome?”

“I’mnotdoingittoyou;I’mdoingitforyou,Ash.”

HeshiftedmesoIwassittingonhislapwithmylegsaroundhiswaist,mybutttothefloor.Our

eyes locked. “You said you trusted me, believe in that and calm that heart of yours. It only needs to be

racingwhenI’mkissingyousenseless.”

Inoddedandhetookthatashissigntokissme.

Anything and everything sexual was always taken from me, always painful and disgusting until I

learnedhowtoblockitout.

I wasn’t going to block him out, though. I was letting him in. Letting myself and my body feel

something.Lincolnwasmakingmefeelthingsinanewway.Hewasopeningmyeyestopossibilitiesand

alifethatI’dneverthoughtIwouldgettohave.

“I’msosorry,Ash,”hesaidagainstmylipsandInoddedinresponse.“Ifuckedup.Ishouldhave

waited.”

“Ididn’tevenlookinthemirror.Justthethoughtofitnotbeingcovered…Icouldn’tdoit.”

“Iwroteonyourmirror.”

“What?”

“Iwroteonyourmirror...phrasesandstuff.”Heshrugged.“Tryingtoinspireyou,Iguess.Mike

mightgetupsetbecauseIusedapermanentmarker.”

I was so used to being the only one, besides Mike and Suzanne, that cared about me. I always

focusedonmyself,tryingdesperatelytokeepmyselfsafe.TherehadtobemorewithLincoln.Thewayhe

waswithme.Theideashehad,thewayhethoughtabouteverything.Heblamedhimselfforhisfather’s

death,buthewasabletomoveonwithhissister'shelp.

“Isthiswhatyoursisterdidtoyou?”

“Yes.”

“I’dliketoseewhatyouwrote.”

Hegrinned.“Seriously?”

“Ihaveyou,”Isaidsoftly,slippingmyhandsintohis.

“I’llcatchyouifyoufall,Ash.”

Iknewhewould.

Inodded,weuntangledourselves,andIstoodsoIcouldfacemyselfinthemirror.

Myeyes immediately focusedon the lettersclustered all around mymirror. He wroteit in a way

thatIcouldfocusonthelettersandnotmyreflection.Brave.Strong.Survivor.Warrior.Woman.Fighter.

Beautiful.Gorgeous.Bent.Broken.Battlescars.Wounds.Healing.Forgiving.Lettinggo.Movingon.

Lincoln.Thatonemademysmilegrowandmademybellydosomersaults.

Fillyourmindwithpositivethoughts,yourlifewillstarttochange.

Believeinyourself.

Don’tmakeplans,letgoandseewhathappens.

Itwon’tbeeasy;it’llneverbeeasybutletgoandseewhathappens.

Ireadthem.

Ireadthemagain.

IignoredmyfacebutsawmydarkhairasIdraggedmyeyesaroundthemirror.

“Thisisthenicestthinganyonehaseverdoneforme.”

“IGoogledsomeofitsoIcan’ttakecreditforthegoodstuff.”

Giving his hand a little squeeze, I turned to him. “I don’t care if you Googled them, they mean

somethingtome.Sinceyouwroteinpermanentmarker,they’llalwaysbewithme.”

“DoesthismeanIgetanotherkiss?”heaskedglancingdownatmylips.

Islowlygotonthetipsofmytoesandhemetmehalfway.Itwasjustasmallkiss,butIlikeditjust

asmuch.

Ifeltarush,asenseofpeacewashedoverme.IfeltcalminsideandLincolnwasright,myheart

shouldonlybebeatingthisfastwhenhe’skissingmesenseless.

Lincoln

“Iloveyoureyes.”

Igrinned.“Yeah?”

“Theresobright.Andyourhair;Ilikethatit’slongerontopandhangsoveronyourforeheadlike

this.”Sheranahandthroughit,incredible.Fuck,Iwasgettinghard.Igrunted,moanedsomeincoherent

words,thengruntedhername.“Ash.”

“I’msorry.DidIdosomethingwrong?”

“I’dshowyou,butI’mnotsureyou’rereadyforthat.”Itookastepback,watchedhersmilefade,

andheardheralarmclockgoingoffinthebedroom.“Weshouldturnthatoff.”

Morethanthealarmneededtobeturnedoff.

“Itshutsoffafterafewminutes,thenstartsagain.It’snevergonethislong,though.”

Iletherturnthealarmoffandwalkedintothelivingroom,tryingmybesttogetridofmyhardon.

It’snotaneasythingtodowhenyouhavefeelingsforsomeone.

ItriedthinkingabouteverythingbutAshton.Itried,Ireallydid,butfailedsomiserably.

“Linc?”

Iturnedmyheadjustenoughtoseeherstandingafewfeetaway,huggingherselflikeshehaddone

somethingwrong.

“Hey,Igottago.”

Itwasaclassicdickmove,butitwasbestthisway.

“Oh.”

“I’lltextyou,”Isaid,undoingthechainsandrushingout.

Chapter16–Ashton

IrantoMike’sdoorandstartedpoundingonit.“Mike!Openup.”

Thedoorswungopenaminutelater.“Whatthefuck?”

“Ineedyourhelp.”

“You’reatmydoor?Again?”

I looked down the hallway. Shit. I’ve only been to his door once, and I was so out-of-my-mind

angry,thatIdon’tevenknowifthatwasaconsciousdecision.“Canyoucomedownstairs?”

Heranhishandsthroughhishair.

“Butputashirtonbeforeyoucomedown,”IsaidandrealizedIwassoupsetaboutLincolnrushing

outonmethatagain,Iforgotmyglasses.MyheartstoppedandIran.

Irandownthehallway,downthestairs,andrushedintomyapartment.Ilockedmyselfinandwent

overandopenedthestupidwindow.

Freshair.

Itookadeepbreathinandstartedtocough.Morelikemuggy,hot,thick,nastyair.

“Freshairmyass.”Islammeditbackshut.

Icheckedmyphone;nomessagesfromLincolnyetsoIpacedthelivingroomandwaitedforMike.

Itdidn’ttakelongbeforeheknockedonmydoor.

Before I talked about Lincoln I wanted to know about the girl that was at his apartment the other

day,becausewehadn’ttalkedaboutityetandIwantedtoknowifmybrotherhadagirlfriend.Iwantedto

knowifIhadtofaceheragainafterthewayIacted.

“She’snotmygirlfriend,Ashton.We’rejustfu-…um,youknow,”heshruggedhisshoulders,“hang

outsometimes?”

“Please don’t tell me you’re one of those player types, Mike.” He never talks about his

relationships;alwaystellsmehe’ssingle.Iaskedanotherquestionbeforehehadachancetoreply,“And

whyhaven’tweevertalkedaboutyourgirlfriends?Imean,buddiesorwhateveryouliketocallthem?”

I sat next to him on the couch and he continued to stare at the floor, elbows on his knees, hands

twistedup.“Youknowwhy,Ashton.”

IdoknowwhybutIneededtohearitfromhim.“No,Idon’t.Tellme.”

HeswunghisheadtomeandIcouldtellhe’slookingatmyeye.MybadeyeandIlethim.“It’snot

appropriateconsideringwhathappenedtoyou.Plus,you’remysister.”

“I’mnotstupid.”

“Neversaidyouwere.”Hesatupandturnedsidewaystofaceme,withonelegknifedonthecouch.

“I’mnottalkingaboutsexwithyou.”

“We don’t have to actually talk about the sex, but it would be nice to know if you were dating

someone.”

“I’mnotdatingher.”

“Soyou’reaplayer?”

Hesnorted,“No,it’smorelikefriends-with-benefitsthing.Fuckbuddies.”

“Whynotmore?”

“She’sgreatinbed,butthere’snothingelsethere.”

“Nootherconnection?”IaskedthinkingaboutLincolnandme.

“Correct.Weconnectgreatinbed,butotherthanthat,there’snothing.She’sagreatperson,hasher

shittogether.Waitaminute,”hesaidputtinghisfingerup.“Whyweren’tyouwearingyourglasses?And

whydidyoucometomyplaceinsteadoftextingmebecausethishashappenedtwicenow?”

I opened my mouth to speak but he kept going, “I mean, I’m happy! This is really fucking great

Ashton,buttheglasses?”

“Right…well,Lincolnstayedthenightandthis-”

HeshovedhishandinmyfaceandIstoppedtalking.“Informationoverloadandamillionthingsare

runningthroughmyhead,butthemostimportantquestionis,wheredidhesleep?”heaskeddroppinghis

hand,eyeingmesuspiciously.

“Mike,youknowhe’salreadybeeninmybed.”

“Right,butthatwasdifferent.”

“Howaboutthis,”Isaidsmirkingathim.“YoushutupandletmetellyouwhathappenedbecauseI

thinkIdidsomethingwrong.”

“Explain.”

Itfeltgoodhavingsomeonetotalkto,butitwashardbecauseitwasmybrother;buthewasaguy,

andIneededaguy’sopinion.So,Iexplainedeverything,wentintodetail,pouringmyheartoutandgetting

everything out in the open, like I do with Suzanne. I even showed him the mirror, which he wasn’t too

happyabout.

“Ithoughtweweren’tsupposedtotalkaboutsex,”hesaidafterIwasdone.

“That’syourreply?”

“Ashton,mysweet,sweetsister.”Heshookhishead.“I’mprettysureyou,”hedroppedhisvoice,

“turnedhimon.”

“ButIdidn’tdoanything.”

“Youkissedhim.”Hestoodupandwalkedtothekitchen.“Ican’ttalktoyouaboutthisanymore.”

“Whynot?”

“It’swrong.”Heopenedthefridge,sighed,andshutit.“Verywrong.YouneedtotalktoSuzanne

aboutthisorfindagirlfriend.”

“IonlytalktoSuzanneonMondays;Ineedtoknowhowtofixthistoday.Hewasmadatme.”

“Hewasn’tmad.He’llneverbemad,sodon’tthinkthat.”

WhywasIhavingsuchahardtimefiguringthisout?Everythingwasgoingwell.Isurvivedlooking

inthemirroreventhoughIignoredmyface.Istartedtobreakdown,butLincolnwastheretopickmeup

andhelpedmeavoidit.Noone’severbeenabletodothatforme.

“Hegetsme,Mike.”

“That’sgood.”

“Atleast,Ithinkhedoes.”Islumpedbackdownonthecouch.“Idon’tknowwhattodoorwhat’s

going on. I get so mad when he tells me I’m beautiful. I mean, I stripped down in the shower, Mike. I

showedhimeverything.”Ipoppedmyheadup.“WhydidIdothat?”

Heranhishandsoverhisfaceandmumbledtohimselfbeforehewalkedbackovertothecouch.

“Soundslikeabreakthroughorsomething.Andthedudelikesyou,Ashton.Youreadthoseromancebooks

all the time. Put two and two together.” He patted me on the head. “I love you, but you need to find a

girlfriend.”

Thenheleft.

Hegavemenoanswers,andIwasn’tgoingtocallSuzanneaboutit.

Therewasonlyonethingtodo.

Askhim.

Lincoln

IswungthedooropenhopingthatitmightbeAshton.

Itwasn’t.

“What’sup,Mike?”

“Ashtontoldmewhathappened.”

“Crap.”Iwalkedawayfromthedoorandhelethimselfin.“It’stooearlytodrink,orI’dofferyou

abeer.”Isatonthecouchandwaitedforhimtolayintome.

“Youwillreplacethatmirror,”hesaid.

“Whenthetimecomes,I’llreplaceit.”

Herelaxedintothechair.“Good,Ihatereplacingthem.”

“Howlonghaveyouworkedhere?”Iasked.

Hegrinned.“Nicejob.Tryingtochangethesubjectbutwe’recomingbacktoAshton,”hepaused.

“I’mnotsurewhatshe’stoldyouaboutthepast,butIwashereforafewyearsbeforeshecametolivein

thebuilding.Myfriendusedtomanagethebuilding,andheputagoodwordinforme.NowImanagethis

oneandtheonebehindus.Afterourparentshaddied,Ashtonmovedin.”

“Youlikeit?”

“EasiestjobI’veeverhad.Freerent,cable,andinternet.”

“Soyoudo.”

“Whowouldn’t.”

IwonderedaboutAshton’sapartmentandifshealsogotfreerent.Shedidn’twork,butatthispoint

inourrelationship,thatwasnoneofmybusiness.

“So this thing with Ashton,” he began. He sat up in the chair and gave me his big brother stare

down. “I can’t tell you enough that she’s delicate. She’s not like other girls. I know about the shower

thing.”Hecringed.“Myopinion–youhavetobeupfrontandhonestwithher.Tellherwhatshedoesto

you, how she makes you feel … sexually,” he said the last word like he had puke in his mouth, just

waitingforittocomeout.

“Ifreakedoutthismorning.”

“Idon’twanttoknowaboutthat,andhopefullythisisthelasttimeIhavetohearthiskindofshit

fromthetwoofyou.”Hegrinnedlettingmeknowhewasn’tmadandstoodtoleave.“Myworkhereis

done.Don’tmakemecomebackwithabatorevictyourass.”

IletMikeoutandrealizeditwastimetofaceAshton,butIwaiteduntilnoon.Thatmightscoreme

somebrowniepoints.

“Hey,” she said opening the door, wearing her glasses which didn’t matter because I knew she

wasn’tlookingatme.

Fuck.

“I’msorryaboutthismorning,”Isaidwhileshelockedthedoor.“Ishouldn’thaverunoff.”

“Ineedtotellyousomething,”shesaidbrushingpastme.Ifollowedherintothebathroom.Sheset

herglassesonthebathroomcounterandpointedatoneofthewordsI’dwrittenonthemirror.

Broken.

“I’mnotbroken,Linc,”shestarted,droppingherhandfromthemirror.“I’mshattered.Ishattered

into a million pieces that turned to dust and got swept away in a breeze. There’s nothing left. There’s

nothingtofix.I’mjust…incomplete.”

Ifeltlikeshehaddoneacompleteone-eightyonme.

“DidIfuckupthatmuchthismorning?”Iaskedgrabbingherglassessoshecouldn’tputthemback

on.

Shedroppedhereyesandbrushedpassedme.“I’mjustlettingyouknowthatwe’refriends,Linc.I

can’tbeanythingmorethanthat.”

“Whynot?”Iaskedfollowingherbacktothelivingroom.

“Ijusttoldyou.I’mnotwhole.I’mbarelyhangingon.YouknowI’mnotlivinganykindoflife.”

“Ashton.”

“Ilikeyou,Linc.”ShespunaroundsoIcouldseeher.“Ireallydo,butI’mnotgoodforyou.You’ll

neverhaveanythingwithmebutthis.”Sheswungherarmsout.“Thisisit.Thisismylife,andevenifI

openedthewindoworbuybluecurtains,it’snotgoingtochangewhoIam!”

“Ijust-”

“I’vethoughtaboutitallmorning.Iwon’teverhavesexwithyou.”Shedroppedherhandstoher

hips.“KissingmeLinc,that’sallIcangiveyouandeventhat,”shewavedatmyjunk,“doesthingstoyou.

So,yougetmypoint.IknowwhyyouleftthismorningandIdon’tblameyou.Itwouldhavebeenvery

awkwardforme.Ishouldn’thavelettheshowerincidenthappen,butIwassomadatyouthatIwasn’t

thinkingclearlyanditjusthappened.It’slikeIwasn’tincontrol,butIwas.”

“Ilikeyou,Ashton.”

“IknowyoudoLinc,andthat’swhythisissohardformetosay,butwecanonlybefriends.No

morecuddling,nomorekissing,anddefinitelynomoreshowerswheremyclothescomeoff.”Ithought

maybeshe’dendthatwithasmilebutshedidn’t.Shewasdeadserious.“Ican’tnorwillIeverbethegirl

youdeserve.I’mnotnormal.I’llneverevencomeclosetobeingnormal.”

Ifeltmyheartbreakintoamillionpieces.

“Nooneisnormal.”

“I’msickofhearingthat!”

“It’strue.Everyoneisdifferent.Liveddifferentlivesandhaveexperienceddifferentthings.”

Shehuggedherself.“Youdeservesomeonebetter.”

“IdeservetohavethewomanIwant.AwomanIneed.”

“Youdon’tneedme.”

“IknowwhatIneed,Ashton.”

Shestoodoverbythewindow,thatonethathaditscurtainsandblindsupsoshecouldseeoutside.

“Ishouldn’thaveletitgetthisfar.Idon’tknowwhatIwasthinking.”

“Youwerethinkingwithyourheart,notyourhead.”

Sheturnedslightly,soIcouldn’tseeherfaceandsaid,“Justgo.Please,Lincoln,dothisforme,for

yourself.Justgo.”

Iwasn’tgoingtopushorbeg,soIwalkedtoher,gaveherakissontheforehead,andsaidgoodbye.

ThiswaswhatshewantedandeventhoughIleftwithoutafight,didn’tmeanIwasn’tgoingtotryanother

day.

Chapter17-Lincoln

“Doyouloveher?”

IpoppedmyheadupandsawSuzanneeyeingmeoverthetopofherglasses,waitingformetosay

the right thing. I wasn’t sure what the right thing was, but what I said was honest and I meant it. “I’m

fallinginlovewithher.”

Shesmiled,advertedhereyesandfocusedonhernotebook.Shelookedveryprofessionalwithher

hair in a neat bun, her crisp white blouse and pressed black trousers. She looked nothing like the

counselorIhad,whowassixtyyearsold,male,bald,andalwayssmelledlikemints.

“Myfeelingsforherarestrong,”Iwentonbecausejustbeingintheroomwithhermademewantto

talk.“Verystrong.ItoldyouwhathappenedthispastweekandnowI’mheretogetyouropinion.”

Hersmilegrewwider,andhappinessgrewinhereyes.Thesmallwrinklesonherfacemadeher

scarblendinmoreonthecheekareamakingitbarelyvisible.Sheglanceddownathernotebookandsaid,

“Whenyoucalled,youagreedtocometoday.”

“It’sMonday,”Isaid,knowingIpickedtodayforareason.

“Andit'searly.Ashtonisnormallymyfirstclient,butIneededyouherebeforeshegotin,soshe

couldn’trunaway.”

“I’mgladyouletmecomein,butdoyouthinkthisiswrong?”

“There’s nothing wrong with telling someone how you feel. Her situation is different, and she’s

fragile.ButIthinkthisistherightthingtodo.Obviously,Ashtonshutyoudown,andIlikethatyouaren’t

giving up. It’ll mean something to her, but she’s going to be upset at first.” She warned and shot me a

quickglanceoverherglasses.“Justaheadsup.Shemightyellorscream.I’musedtoit,andIencourage

hertotapintothosefeelingswhileshe’shere,becauseit’shersafespace.”

“Crap,”Imuttered.ThelastthingIwanttodowastopissheroff,butIaminvadingherprivacyand

hijackinghersession,soshehaseveryrighttobemadatmeforit.

Totalstalker.

ItextedAshtontherestoftheweek,butsheneverinvitedmeover.Shetoldmethattherapywasher

safeplaceandIwashopingshe’dletmeexplainmyfeelingsandactuallylistentomethistime.Iwanted

togetthroughtoherandifthisdidn’twork,thenI’dlethergo.

“IsitweirdthatIfeellikeshealreadybrokemyheart?”

“You’reentitledtoyourfeelings.Noonecantellyouhowtofeel,orhownottofeel.”

“Yeah.”IdroppedmyeyestothefloorthinkingaboutwhatIwasabouttodo.Iwasinvadingher

safespace,butIwantedherattention,andIfeltlikeIcouldgetthatherewithSuzanne.

Thebuzzerwentoff,andSuzannestood.“Herewego.”

Mystomachdroppedandmyheartraced.Iranmyhandthroughmyhairafewtimesandscooted

overtotheendofthecouch,soshewasn’tforcedtositnexttome.

Icouldn’tevenlookatherwhenshewalkedinbecauseIcouldfeelherangeralreadyrollinginto

theroom.“Whyareyouhere?”

“Let’ssit,”Suzannesaidansweringforme.

I looked up and saw Ashton toss her glasses onto the coffee table, but she didn’t sit. She went

behindthecouchandstartedtopace.

“Ordon’t,”Suzannesaid,sittingbackdowninherchair,crossingherlegswaitingforherreaction.

Thiswasabadidea.

“You’reatotalstalker,Linc.”

StillfacingSuzanne,Ireplied,“Iknow.”

Mykneestartedtobounce.MyhandsshookandmyheartracedfasterthanIthoughtpossible.Ieven

thinkIstartedtosweat.

Ifeltherpresencebehindme;thensheloweredhervoice.“Whyareyouhere?”

Islowlytwistedaroundsowewerenosetonose.“I’mhereforyou.”

“Yousureare,”shehissed,pushedoffthebackofthecouch,andwalkedaroundit.Shesatdown

andpulledherlegsuptoherchest.

“GoodMorning,Ashton,”Suzannesaid,makingeyecontact.

Shehuffed,“Figuresyou’dbeinonthis.”

“HejustwantstotalktoyouandIthinkyoushouldlisten.”

“Did you tell her everything?” I nodded and she gave her attention back to Suzanne. “Then you

alreadyknowwhat’sgoingon,Suzanne;Idon’twanttorepeatit.”

“I’dliketohearitfromyou,”shesaidnotbackingdown,tossingthenotebookonthecoffeetable

givingAshtonalltheattentionsheneeded.“Tellmewhyyouwon’tgiveLincolnachance.”

Ashton started hitting her forehead on the top of her knees. “I,” she tapped her head, “Can’t,”

anothertap,“Have.”tap,“Sex.”

“Whynot?”Suzanneasked,andAshtonstoppedtappingherhead.Ifshecould,Ashtonwouldshoot

redlaserlightsoutofhereyesforaskingsuchastupidquestionandburnSuzannewhereshesat.

RealizingIwasstupidandthatIshouldleave,ItriedtostandandSuzanneorderedmetositback

down.Shewasn’tsmilingeithersoIslowlysatbackdown,refusingtolookatAshton.

“Push.Push.Push,”SuzannesaidslowlytoAshtonandIknewIshouldjustsithereandkeepmy

mouthshut.

“Hedoesn’tknoweverythingSuzanne,andIwon’ttellhim.”

“Youshowedhimyourbodyandinaway,showedhimyoursoul.So,”Suzannepaused,andwhen

Ashtonsaidnothingshefinished,“whyissexnotanoption?”

Ilookedafterafewsecondsofsilence.Ashtonhuggedherheadandcurledintoherselfrefusingto

speak, so I slid over and put an arm around her and told Suzanne, “I can assume what happened, she

doesn’thavetotellme.”

I heard Ashton mumbling to herself and then she turned her head to look at me through her arm.

“Thankyou.”

Igaveherasmallsmile.“I’mnotgoinganywhere.”

“Well,Ican’tmove.”

IchuckledatherwordsandknewshewasmakingajokewhileIranmyhandupanddownherback

slowlytryingtorelaxher.“I’dliketodateyou,Ashton.”

ThistimeshegavemeasarcasticlaughanddaredaglanceatSuzanne,whowasstillgivingallher

attentiontous.

“Youconfusemesomuch,Linc,”shefinallysaid.

“That’swhathappensinallrelationships,”Ireplied.

“Youreallywanttodateme?”

Ireachedupandencouragedhertoturnmywaybyputtingmyhandonthesideofherhead.Itwas

nowornever.Itwastimetoputmyselfcompletelyoutthere.Noturningback.

“I’mfallinginlovewithyou,Ash;andifyouletmeloveyou,letmein,IknowthatIcouldbreathe

lifeintoyouagain.”

“You still want to be my light?” she asked softly, remembering what I had told her and at that

moment,Imighthavejustfallencompletelyinlovewithher.

“Always,”Iwhispered,watchinghereyesstarttowater.

Ireachedupforherhandandshegaveittome.“Asmuchasyouthinkyou’reincontrol,youaren’t.

You’relettingthepastcontrolyou.You’restilllivingthosemomentsintime,andthey’repreventingyou

frommovingon.Wecanmakenewmoments,newmemoriesthatwillbesogreatthatyou’lllivealittle

easierandbreathealittlebetterbecauseyoudeserveit.Youdeservetohaveagreatlife.AlifeIhope

you’llletmebepartof.”

Shedroppedherlegsandcameatme,slowlypushingherlipstomine.Myhandwenttothebackof

herhead,andIheldherthere,kissingher,promisingherthat’dI’dtakecareofher.

Butasquickasithappened,itwasquicktoend.

Sheslowlypulledawayandjustcouldn’tstopthinkingaboutit.“Yourgirl…can’thavesex.”She

laidherheadonmychestandIlookedupatSuzanne.Tearshadwethercheeksandshedidn’tevencare

towipethemaway.

“Ashton,”SuzannesaidthroughhersadnessthatIknewwasmorehappinessthananything,“Can’t

thisbeoneofthosemoments?”

“What?”shesaidintomychest,notmoving.

“Let this moment define you. Let the shower moment define you. The mirror,” she said sitting

forwardinherchair.“Letthemalldefineyou.It’stimetoturnyourlifearound.Youexistandliveina

worldyouhavenoreasontobeapartof.It’stimetostepoutintothelightandgrow,Ashton.Growasa

person.Takeavacation,breaktherules,andlivealifeworthliving.”

BothgirlswerecryingandIjustsatthere,comfortingAshton,lettingherknowIwasthereforher,

thatIwasn’tgoingtobailonthestrongestpersonIknew.Byaccident,IhadkilledmyfatherbutAshton,

inherownwords,livedinhellandsurvived.Iwasmeanttomoveintothatapartment,beherneighbor,

andfallinlovewithherbecauseIwasstartingtobelieveIwashersoulmate.

Suzanne put the notebook and pen on the coffee table and kneeled before Ashton who sat up and

heldherhands.“Sweetheart,”shesaidsoftly,“yougotthis.Youwantcontrol,takeit.Takeitawayfrom

him and move on because that asshole is dead. What happened to you was the most horrific thing I’ve

everhadtocounsel.I’veheardofit,butuntilthatpersonislayinginthehospitalbedinfrontofyou,then

youknowthingslikethatreallydohappeninreallife.It’shappeningintheworldwelivein,andIcan’t

stressenoughhowstrongyouare.Iamsoproudofyou,Ashton.Sofuckingproud,”shesaidinawhisper

andtheyembracedeachotherinahug,cryingandlettinggooftheirtorment.

Ashton

“Wherearewegoing?”IaskedLincoln,whowasholdingmyhandwhilewewentupthestepsto

thethirdfloorwhereMike’sapartmentwas.

“It’sasurprise.”

“I’dthinkbynowyou’dknowthatIhatesurprises,”Itoldhimasweclimbedthestairsandknocked

onMike’sdoorwhoansweredwaytoofast,likeheknewwewerecoming.

“Followme,”hesaidshootingmeaquicksmile.

“Idon’tlikethis,”IsaidpullingLincoln’shandandstoppinginmytracks.

He kissed me quickly on the cheek and it was just enough to get my feet moving again. My body

wantedhimbutmyheadstilltoldmethatitwasn’tgoingtohappen.

WewenttotheendofthehallwayandMikeopenedadoor,thathadnoapartmentnumberassigned

toit.“Myoffice,”hesaidopeningthedoortoanemptyroom.“Idon’tuseit,though.Iforwardthecallsto

mycellandusemylaptop.”Hereachedupandpulleddownahiddensetofstepsthatledsomewhere.

“Seriouslyguys,”IsaidwatchingMikeclimbthestairs.“Thisisfreakingmeout.”

“I’dneverdoanythingtohurtyou,mydearsister,”Mikesaidreachingtheholeintheceilingand

disappearingthroughit.

“You’re next,” Lincoln said putting a hand out for me to hold. I took the first step and paused. I

lookedoverathim,sawthatbeautifulsmileonhisfaceandpushedmyhesitationaside.Itookthesecond

step.

“YouarethestrongestpersonIknow,”LincolnsaidandItookanotherstep.

Welefttherapyearlierthismorningandhehasn’tleftmyside.

Ididn’twanthimto.

Hegetsme,hewantsme,andsaidhe’dneverleaveme.

He’sfallinginlovewithme.

After a few more steps, I stepped out on the roof and took the view in. The sun had set, the city

lights were alive and bright, and you could hear the hum of the traffic and the small sounds of people

walkingonthestreets.

Even though not many stars were out because of the overcast, it was still beautiful. Breathtaking.

Eyeopening.IhuggedmyselfandslowlydrugmyeyestoMikeandLincolnwhowerebothsmilingatme,

standingbyatable.

Onthetablewasacandleburningbright,showingmewewerehavingdinnerupherealongwith

threeredrosessittinginthemiddleofthetable.

“Ishouldgo,”Mikesaidwalkingtowardsme.“HaveagooddateAshton,youdeserveit.”Hegave

meaquickhugandwentbackthroughtheopening.

I had no words, only tears. I cried softly and walked over to Lincoln so I could wrap my arms

aroundhiswaistandthankhim.

“Noneedtocryonourfirstdate,”hesaid,runninghishandupanddownmyback.

“Itdoesn’tfeelreal.”

Heleaneddownandwhisperedinmyear,“It’sreal,sweetheart.”

IwasgoingtotakeSuzanne’sadviceandletthesemomentsinmylife,withLincoln,definemeand

letthemchangemylife.

Iwasfinallyreadytotry.Iwasreadytopushmyselfandovercomemyfears,andtrytogetbetter.

WesatdownandLincolntookthetopofftheplates,andIcouldn’thelpbutlaugh.“Cheeseburger

andfries.”

“Romantic,right,”hesaidwithawinkandInodded.“Wedon’thavetogoouttoeatorgotothe

moviestohavedatesAshton,andhonestly,”helookedaround,“thisisthebestspotintown.”

“Ididn’tknowaboutit.”

Heopenedhisbottleofwateranddrankhalfofitbeforereplying.“Mikesaidhe’salwayswanted

toshowyoubutdidn’tthinkyou’dbeupforit.”

“I might have come up here.” I took the bun off and piled some fries on my cheeseburger and

squishedthebunsbacktogetherandhesitated.IglancedupatLincolnwhowasalreadychewingandhe

shruggedashoulder.

“Ilikeitthisway,”Isaidalsoshruggingmyshoulder,butrefusingtoeat.

Afterhewasdonewithhisbitehereplied,“IusedtodothatwhenIwasakid,nojudgmentshere,

Ash.Never.”

Weate,talked,andstartedaskingeachotherrandomquestions.Hisfavoritecolorwasbluebecause

ofhiseyes,theocean,andthesky.Somethingabouttheoceanandskybeingendless,madeithisfavorite

color.Hetoldmemoreaboutthekidswhoteasedhimabouthisfootandtoldmethestoryofhowhisleg

broke.Hewasveryadventurousasachildandteenagerandwasalsodoingrecklessthings.Helovedlife

until the accident with his father. He talked about it easily, no tears were shed, but you knew it still

botheredhim.Hefoundawaytoforgivehimselfandmoveon,buthe’dneverforget.Noonecouldever

forgetthetragictimesintheirlives.

“So,youdon’thaveafavoritecolor?”Lincolnaskedwhilecleaningupourdinnerthingsbyputting

itintoaplasticbag.Ihadofferedtohelpbuthewavedmeoff.

“Black.”

“Notabadcolor,butstill.”

“Whatcolordoyouthinkitshouldbe?”IaskedstandingfromthetablesoIcouldwalkbackoverto

theedgeoftheroofandadmirethedarksky.

“It’s whatever color makes you happy,” he said into my ear. He slowly put his arms around my

waist and I leaned back into him. “The color that brings you peace; the color that brings you joy and

happiness.”

Iknewmyfavoritecolorwasblue.

Justlikehiseyes.

ButIdidn’ttellhim.Ilethimholdmeforafewminutesanddecideditwastimetomakethisoneof

thosemomentsthatwasgoingtodefineme.Orbreakme.

“CanyouGoogleasongforme?”IaskedturningaroundsoIcouldfacehim.Iwantedtoseehis

reactionwhenitplayed.

“Sure.”Hepulledhisphoneoutandhitafewbuttons.“Typeitin.”

Idid.

ThenIhitplay.

ItwasasongIheardontheradioafewtimesnowandthelyricshavestuckwithme.

Hold

Holdon

Holdontome

CauseI’malittleunsteady

Alittleunsteady

ItwastheintrothatmeantthemostandIhopedhegotit.Igotuponmytiptoes,staredintothose

beautiful blue eyes of his, and then slowly closed mine so he could kiss me. And he did. It felt like

anotherpieceofmewasfound.Lincolnwasfindingthoseshatteredpiecesandslowlygivingthembackto

me.I’dneverbethesame.I’dneverbemended,buttherewassomethingabouthimandthepowerheheld

tomakemefeel…something.

Chapter18-Ashton

EverydaythatweekLincolncameover.

Everydaythatweekwhenheleft,he’dkissmegoodbye.

Andwitheverykiss,alittlepieceofmefeltlikeithadbeenreturned.

Thereweresomanypiecesstilllost.ButsomehowLincolnwasfindingthem.Hewasgivingme

somethingIthoughtwaslostforever.Iwasn’tsurehowonepersoncouldmakemefeelsowholewhenI

hadbeensoemptyandhollowforsolong.

ButLincolndid.

HemademefeellikeIhadachanceatsomekindoflife,somekindofnormal.

Alifeworthliving.

When Monday rolled around, I walked up those stairs into the apartment building; I was already

smiling. I was ready to stop and talk to him. Tell him something he didn’t know about me because we

were still playing a game of questions. And if I didn’t like his question, he’d let me answer with

something about myself, something I felt like sharing. It wasn’t much or anything worth his time, but he

lovedeveryanswerIgavehim.EverylittlepieceIshared,hetookit,andIknewhe’dneverforget.

Buthisdoorwasshut.

Hewasn’tthere.

IhadmyphoneoutbythetimeIgottohisdoorandopenedourtextmessagefromlastnight.Iread

itagain.Seeyouinthemorning.

ItwasMonday,itwasmorning,butIdon’tseehim!

Wherewashe?

I rushed to my apartment and called his number. Something I’ve never done and I was so

disappointedwhenitwentstraighttovoicemail.

My anxiety hit hard and heavy. I tossed the bags in the fridge, not caring what was in the bag

becauseIhadalreadyforgottenwhatIboughtatthestore.

WhatwasIgoingtodo?

“Freakout,”Isaidoutloud,pacingthelivingroom.“Openthewindow.”Iwenttoit,openedit,and

tookabreathinandletitoutslowly.“Freshair.”

Itdidn’tworksoItookanotherbreath.

Nothing.

IcalledMike.

Itrang,buttherewasnoanswer.

Ifelltomykneesastheairwaspulledfrommylungs.MyphoneslidoutofmyhandsandItriedto

crawltowardsit,butithurttoomuch.Iwashyperventilatingnow.Myheartrippedthroughmychestwith

everybeat.Ileanedoverandputmyforeheadtothefloor.Thecream-coloredcarpetitchedbutIdidn’t

care.Itwastheleastofmyproblemsatthemoment.

I had to find a way to get centered even though I wanted to crawl inside myself and go to the

darkness.Thedarknessalwayswelcomedmewithopenarms;ithadbeenmybestfriendandsaviorfor

sixyears.

IthinkIheardsomeoneknockonthedoorbutatthispoint,Icouldn’tmove.Mychestpainswere

intense, spreading throughout my body, causing me to feel numb. I stayed on the floor with my arms

wrappedaroundmylegs,likeIalwaysdoandfocusedonLincoln.Heshouldhavebeenthere.Hetoldme

hewouldn’tletmedown.HetoldmethatIcouldtrusthimandIdid,toanextent.

Somethingwaswrong.

I cried out in frustration. Screamed as loud as I could. I pushed the darkness aside and blinked a

fewtimes.

SomethingwaswrongwithLincoln.

I blinked a few more times and saw the couch start to come into focus and I heard my brother

talkingtome.Ifelthimpullmeintohisarmsandcradlemelikeababy.

Itwascomforting,butIwasn’tababy.

“Mike,”Icroakedout,“Ineedwater.”

“Inaminute.”

Iputmyhandtohischest.“Please.”

HedroppedhiseyesandIslidmybuttontheflooruntilIhitthebackofthecouch.Iletitholdme

up,supportme,whileIchuggedthewaterhehandedme.

Ihandedtheemptybottlebacktohim.“Somethingswrong.”

“I’msorryIdidn’tanswer.”

“No-”

“IwaspayingattentionAshton,Iwas,”heinterruptedme.“Iwasn’tawayfrommyphonethatlong

buthonestly,”helookedtowardsthefrontdoor,“IthoughtLincolnwouldbehere.”

Hewalkedtothekitchenandgotridofthewaterbottlebeforecomingbacktostandinfrontofme.

“Lincolnwasn’tathisdoor,”Isaidandwatchedhisforeheadwrinkleinconfusion.

“It’sMonday,right?”

Inodded.

“Huh.”Hepulledhisphoneout,hitabutton,andputittohisear.“Voicemail.”

Inoddedagain.

Heshovedthephonebackinhispocketandputhishandoutformetograb.“Thepanicattackwas

becauseofhim,notme?”

IlethimhelpmestandandIsatonthebackofthecouchbecauseIdidn’ttrustmyfeetyet.

Inoddedagain,afraidtotalkbecauseIwasstillworkingtoslowmyheartratedown.

AnotherknockatthedoorhadMikerushingtowardsitandmyanxietyspikedmypoorheartagain.

Whatfeltliketwohourswasonlyseconds,andwhenthedooropened,Lincolnwasn’tthere.

ItwasNatalie.

Bright,colorfulNatalie.

Iscrambledtothecoffeetableonmyhandsandkneessoshecouldn’tseemyface,andgrabbedmy

sunglasses.

“Ashton,”shesaidasshewalkedrightpassedMike.Istoodandshewrappedherselfaroundme.

NormallyI’dfightthisbecauseIhatepeopletouchingme,butshewasdifferent.

Shewassodifferent.TherewassomuchIwantedtoknowabouther.

Shepulledback.“Weneedtogo.”

“Where?”

“Thehospital.”

OhGod.

I took a step back, my feet faltered, but she reached out and grabbed my hand. “Ashton.” The

warmthandcalmnessofherspreadthroughmeandInolongerfeltmyheartbeatingagainstmychest.It

wascalm.Iwascalm.

“He’sfine,butneedssurgery.”

“Whathappened?”Iaskedasshepulledmeoutoftheapartment.

Before she could answer, Mike grabbed my other hand and pulled me towards him. I let go of

NatalieandspunaroundtofaceMike.

“You’regoing?”heasked.

“It’sLincoln.”

“Youhaven’tsteppedfootinsideahospitalsince…”

“Iknow.”

“Youhatethem.”

“Iknow,Mike.Butit’shim.”

Herubbedhishandoverhisface.“I’mcomingwithyou.”

“I’dlikethat,”IsaidwithasmallsmileandjoinedNatalieaswewalkeddownthehallwayand

outside.

“I’vegotLincoln’struck,”shesaidasabeepwentoff,andlightsflashedonablackfour-doortruck

parkedafewspotsdown.ThecloserIgot,Inoticedthatthepassengertirewaspartlyonthesidewalk.

“ShouldIbeafraid?”Iaskedpointingatit.

“I’mnotthebestdriver,”sheyelledwhileliterallyjumpingupintothetruckwhileIreachedoutfor

Mike.

“Ican’tdothis.”

“Whynot?”

“I’llhaveaheartattackonthewaythere!”

ThetruckstartedandNataliewaswavingatustogetin.

“Wecouldwalk,”MikesuggestedandIglanceddownthesidewalk.

“Wedon’tevenknowwhichhospitalhe’sin,”Ireplied.

Natalie hit the button so the passenger side window rolled down and she yelled at us. She was

impatient,andthethoughtofLincolnhavingsurgerykickedmyanxietytotheside.

“Justdon’tleaveme,”IsaidshootingMikeawarninglook.Hewinked,weclimbedintothetruck,

andwemadeittothehospitalalive.Iwasn’tsurehow,becauseNataliewasacrazydriver.Shebarely

stopped at stop signs, ran red lights, and cut people off like crazy. I hoped it was because she was

worriedaboutLincolnandIwashappywhenmyfeethittheground.ShetoldmethatLincolnwasoutfor

hisrunthismorningwhenhewashitbyacar.Theybrokehisleg,theonehehadalreadybrokewhenhe

wasyounger,anditwassobadheneededsurgery.Thepolicehadcalledherfromhisphone,andsincehe

wasrushedintosurgery,shecameandgotme.Ihaven’tseenhersincethefirsttimewemet,butLincoln

toldherthingsaboutmeandviceversa.

Assoonaswesteppedintothelobby,thesmellhitmewithforce.ItwascleanandcrispandIhated

it.Ihatedthesmell,Ihatedbeingathospitals,andIhatedallthesecretsandpainthewallsofthisplace

held.

Tragedy.

Death.

Illness.

Sadness.

Nataliegrabbedmyhandandpulledmetowardstherounddesksittingofftothesideofthelobby.

“AnywordonLincolnJamesWalker?He’shavinglegsurgery.”

“Areyoufamily?”

“I’mhissister.”

Theyoungbrunettewithwaytoomuchmakeuponstartedtypingonherkeyboard.

“Ashton,”MikewhisperednexttomeandIfollowedhimoverafewsteps.“Youdoingokay?”

“It smells in here,” I hissed, glancing around at the people walking by. Some were crying, some

wereinwheelchairs,butmostofthemweredoctorsandnurseswearingwhitecoatsandscrubs.

“It’sclean,”Mikesaid.

“Itsmells!”

“Miss,areyouokay?”

Iscreamed,Ididn’tknowwhatelsetodo.

Ihadbeensleepingwhenthedooropenedandwokemeup.

Itwasn’ttheDevil,though.

Themanhadblackbootsonthatwereslowlycomingclosertomybed.

Iscreamedagain.

Ididn’twantanyothervisitors.ItwasbadenoughIhadvisitsfromhim.

“Iwon’thurtyou,”hesaid,notmoving.

Ididn’tbelievehim.

Iheardpeopleyellingandrunninginthehallway.

Whywasthedoorstillopen.

“Miss,weneedtogetyououtofhere.”

Ihadpulledmyt-shirtovermylegsandheldthemclosetome.

Icouldn’tleave.

He’dneverletmeleave.

EventhoughIdidn’tunderstandtheDevil’slanguage,Iknewhe’dneverletmego.

Hetriedtotakeastepcloser.“Miss,thecompound’sclear.Themenareeitherdeadorin

custody,andIreallyneedtogetyoutoahospital.”

Ishookmyhead.“Ican’tleave.”

HekneeleddownandIfinallylookedathim.

“You’resafenow.Ifyouprefer,IhaveafemaleofficerIcangetinhere,butyouaren’ttheonly

personhere.Weneedtogetyousomewheresafe.”

Ilookedoverhisshoulderanddidn’tseeanyoneelseinthehallway.

Whatdidhemean?

Whowashe?

“What’syourname?”heasked,andIstoppedrocking.

“Ashton.”

I’venotsaidmynameoutloudforalongtime.

“Ashton,I’dliketogetyoubacktoyourfamily.”

“Myfamily?”

“Yes.Let’sfindyourfamily.”

Iwrappedmyselfintheblanketandwalkedbyhissidethroughtheconcretebuilding.Istayedat

hisside,notlookingatanythingoranyonebecauseIwasafraidthattheDevilwouldbeamongthem.

AssoonasIsteppedoutside,Ifelltomykneesatthesun’slight.Itwassobright,sointense,thatit

wasashocktomybody.Itwasmyfirstpanicattack.

Thesecondonewasatthehospital.

Thesmellsentmeintoapanicattack.Itwasoverwhelmingandmademyheadhurt.Theonly

thingIhadsmelledforthreeyearswasthemuskyconcrete,hissweatybodyodor,andthesmellofmy

bloodmixedwithit.

Theoutsideworldwastoomuchformetohandle.

Iwastrappedinsidethehospitalforweeks.Heliedtome,Iwasn’tabletoseemyfamily.The

onlysolaceIhadwastheblankets,theitchy,woolblanketsinmyroom.Theyhidmefromtheoutside

world,hidmybandagedfacefromthepeoplewhocametotalktome.Theblanketsbroughtbackmy

onlycomfort,thedarkness.

“Ineedfreshair,”Isaidchokingonmywords.

IstartedwalkingbacktowardstheautomaticslidingdoorswhenNatalierushedtomyside.“Where

areyougoing?”

“Freshair.”

Sheseemedconfused,whichwasnormalwhenpeoplewerearoundme,butshestillcamewithme.

“He’sstillinsurgery.”

Inoddedandbreathedinasmuchairasmylungsallowedandclosedmyeyes;Idroppedmyhead

backsoIcouldfacethesky.

Irodeinavehicletoday.

Iwasatthehospitalforthefirsttimeinsixyears.

Suzannewouldbeproud.

“He’sgoingtobeokay,Ashton.”

Iopenedmyeyeswhilebringingmyheadbackdownandshestoodrightinfrontofme.

“Ican’tbeinthere,”Isaidadjustingmyglasses.

“Igetit.Hospitalsareweird.”

“Thesmelldisgustsme.”

“Yeah,it’sallthosecleaningproducts.”

Itriedtohidemysmile,butshedidn’t.

“Let’shaveachat,”shesaidgrabbingmyhand,andIglancedtoMike.

“I’llwaitinside,”hesaidashemovedbacktowardsthedoor.

Nataliefoundabenchofftothesideofthefrontdoorsandgotcomfortablebyputtingoneofher

legs under the other and resting her elbow on the back of the bench. “There’s something I want to tell

you.”

Igulped.

“Lincoln told me that you knew what happened to our father, but I’m sure he didn’t tell you the

wholestory.”

Instantanxiety.

“Ashton,” she reached out and touched my shoulder, “it’s okay.” She smiled, those perfect white

teethshiningthrough.SherubbedmyshoulderandIwishIknewhowshedidit.Itwaslikemagicpoured

throughherfingertipseverytimeshetouchedme.JustlikeLincoln.Theyhadsomekindofenergyabout

themthatsoothedmeontheinside.

“Mylifeissoorganized,Natalie.I’mstilltryingtoadjusttobeingoutsideofmyhouserightnow.”

“You’redoinggreat.”Shebeamed.

“Iguess.”Islumpedbackagainstthebenchandshestartedtalking.

“Lincolnusedtobelost,likeyou.”

Isnappedmyheadtoher.“What?”

“Lincolnusedtobelostinthedarkness,likeyou.”

ShewasrightsoIjustsatbackandwishedIwasanywherebuthere.

“Hegetsyou,Ashton,becauseheusedtobeyou.Hekilledourfatheranditbrokehim.Brokehim

rightinhalf,”shepausedandIslowlylookedatherbutshewasn’tsmilinganymore.“Mydadwasagreat

dad.Hewassocalmandeasygoing.Neverinahurry.HewassoproudofLincolnandme,allthetime.

His death tore our family apart. It was an accident, but Lincoln blamed himself. My mom and I were

grieving,andLincolnjustgotlost.”

Ireachedoutandheldherhand,givingherareassuringsqueezeasshelookedoffintothedistance.

“Eventually, my mom and I got better. We started to heal and move on, but Lincoln couldn’t. He

blamedhimself.Hewasyoungbutcouldgethishandsonalcoholanddrugsandusedthemtonumbhis

pain.Itwasbad,Ashton.Mymotherwentfromgrievingourfathertoworryingaboutlosingason.”My

eyeswentwideandsheletgoofmyhandandduginherpurse.Shepulledoutapictureandhandeditto

me.

ItwasapictureofLincolnlookingyoungandrough.Hishairwaslonger,raggy,andhehaddark

bagsunderhisdulleyes.

“IgothimtotakeapicturewithmeafewweeksbeforeIlostitonhim.”

I ran my thumb over the picture, and even though it looked like him, it wasn’t him. I saw the

darknesssurroundinghim,suffocatinghimandwearinghimdown.Hewassmiling,butitwasn’treal.He

hadsuffered.TheLincolnIsawinthepicturewasjusttheshellofhim,anditbrokemyheart.

“Onenighthecamehomecompletelywastedandstartedpukingwhilepassedout.Wealmostcalled

anambulancebuthestartedcomingaround,wakingupalittlebiteveryhour.Mymomsatinhisroomand

watchedhimallnight,afraidhewasgoingtochokeonhisownpuke.Ihatedit.Ihatedthatourdadhad

died,buthatedhimmoreforwhathewasdoingtomymom,tous.Weonlyhadeachotheranditbrokemy

heartseeingmymomcryallthetimeaboutLincoln,blamingherselfforwhatwasgoingon.”

“SothatnightIhadhadenoughofhisshit.Ithadbeengoingonforalmostayear,andI’mnoteven

tellingyoueverything.Anyways,Isnapped.Thatnextmorning,IwaitedforourmomtoleaveandIwent

outsideandgrabbedthehose,turnedthewateron,andkinkedit.Iwalkedbackintothehousewithitand

letitrainonLincolnwhileheslept.Hesnappedoutofbed,pissedoff,andgrabbedthehosefromme.He

yelled,saidabunchofmeanshit,andtookthehosebackoutside.Heleftafterhisshowerandcameback

thatnight,drunkagain.So,thenextday,Igavehimanothershower.”

OhmyGod.Lincolngavemeashower.

“The second time he just snatched the hose away and walked out. I wasn’t sure at the time if the

silenttreatmentwasworsethanhiscussing,butIwasn’tgoingtogiveup.HehadlosthiswayandIjust

wantedmybigbrotherback.Iwantedourfamilyback.Afewyearspriortothat,heusedtocomeinmy

roomandscarethemonstersawayandIknewIhadtoscarehisawaytoo,soIlied.”

“Youlied?”Iaskedhandingherthepictureback.

Shenoddedandputthepicturebackinherpurse.“Heleftforafewdays,butwhenhefinallycame

back,Iwaswaitingforhiminhisroom.Igotluckybecausehewasjustdrunk,notblackedoutorhighon

something.Itoldhimmynightmareswereback,andIevencriedbutIwasn’tfakingit.IknewIhadto

savehim.Everynightafterthathedranklessandwouldcomelayonmybedandstareupattheceiling

untilIfellasleep.Inevertriedtotalktohim,Ijustlethimthinkhewasscaringthemonstersaway,but

really,hehadscaredhisownaway.Aboutaweeklater,Istartedwritinghimnotesandputtingtheminhis

jeanspockets,coats,andevenwroteonhisbathroommirror.IwantedhimtoknowhowmuchMomandI

lovedhim.Iwantedhimtoknowthathewasn’talone.”

Itookadeepbreathinandletitout.Icouldn’thaveapanicattackduringaveryimportanttimein

mylife.Imightbecrazyandstupid,butIknewwhatshetoldmewouldchangemylife.Lincolnmeantit

whenhesaidhesawme.Hissoulknewwhatmineneeded.

“Lincoln saved me, and then I saved him. It took time, but he finally came around, went to

counseling,andeventuallygotbetter.Sonowyouknow.”

Inoddedunabletofindthewords.Howcanyoucompareyourtragedytosomeoneelse’sandthink

oneisworsethantheother?Theyaren’t.They’rebothhorribleeventsthathappenedinourlivesand

Lincolnwasabletocrawloutofthedarknessandsavehimself.

“Nowyouknowwhyhelikesyou.Whyhewon’tleaveyoualone.He’stryingtosaveyou,Ashton,

pullyoufromthedarknesssoyoucanlive.You’rebothsurvivors.”

I’masurvivor.

We’reallsurvivors.

“Hetoldmehewantedtobemylight.”

Shepipedupwithhappinessandstartedclappingherhandstogether.“Yay!”

Ofcourse,Ismiledbutstillasked,“Whydidn’thetellme?”

Shestoppedclappingbuthersmiledneverdied.“He’saguy,Ashton.Heprobablythoughtthatstuff

didn’tmatter.”

“Oh.”

“I’ll let you think about that for a few minutes.” She stood and I sat up on the edge of the bench.

“Stayhere,letitsettle.I’llbeback.”

Itwasallmakingsensenow.

Islidbackonthebench,crossedmylegsandthoughtaboutwhattodonext.Ihadnoclue.Notone.I

wantedtocry,Iwantedtoscream,andasmallpartofmewantedtorunawayfromitallandhidefromthe

world.BeforeIknewit,Iwasstanding.IhadflipflopsonandrememberedIcouldn’trunwiththemon.I

wiggledmytoesandputmyhandsonmyhips.

Whattodo...

DistractingmyselffrommyfeelingswassomethingIwasgoodat.

Plus,itwasalotofinformation.Itwasveryemotionalwhattheywentthrough.Icouldn’tdealwith

itjustyet.Ijusthadtopushitasideandcomebacktoitlater.I’dfocusonLincolngettingthrough surgery.

FocusonnotfallingapartwhenIwalkedbackinthathospitalbecauseheneededme.

Someoneneededme.

I started walking toward the door when Mike and Natalie came walking out wearing those white

maskstheyhandoutwhenyouhaveacold.

You could tell they were both smiling underneath them because of their eyes. Natalie held up her

handanddangledanothermaskinit.“Foryou.”

“Why?”

“Iputalittleperfumeontheoutsideofit,hopefullynottoomuchsoyoucansmellprettyflowers

insteadofthat.”Sheswungherhandtowardsthehospital.

I took it from her and slipped it on, making sure it sat under my ponytail. “Why are you guys

wearingthem?’

“Becauseit’scool,”Mikejoked.

“Sopeoplewouldn’tfocusonjustyou,”Nataliesaid,alsowearingmatchingsunglasses.

NowIwasgoingtocry.Iputmyhandsovermyfaceandfeltwarmarmswraparoundme.Mike

whisperedinmyear,“Feelsgreat,doesn’tit?”

Theywereshowingmewhatitfeltliketohavefriends.Ifelttheirkindnessandfriendship,andit

meantsomuchtome.Itmademehurtinsuchgreatways,anditfeltgoodbeingputbacktogether.

Chapter19-Ashton

Iwaslayinginthebedaftereatingacouplepiecesofbread,wishingforamiracle.Wishingfor

someonetosavemylife,andmybaby’s.Ifeltitmoveinsideofmeasthetearssoakedmypillow.I

huggedmybellyandtolditthatIwassorry.ItolditthatIwasn’tsurewhatwouldhappenbutthatI

lovedit,I’veneverlovedanythingsomuchinmylife.ItgavemeaglimmerofhopeinthehellIwas

livingin.Iapologizedoverandoverandtoldmyselfnevertoforgetthefeelingoflife.Nevertoforget

whatitfeltlikehavinganotherlivingsoulinsideofmyself.Ifeellikeit’sbeenweekssincethebaby

firstkicked,butIknowit’sonlybeenhours.It’snotlongenough.Ineededmoretime.

Ineededtoescape.

SometimesIheardpeopletalkinginthehallwaysorbangingnoises,butnooneevervisitsme

buthim.It’salwayshim.

Noone’scomingtosaveme.

I’llendupdyinghere.

Icriedharderandheldmyselftighter.

“I’msorry,”Isaidoutloud.“I’msosorry.”

Thedoorshovedopen,andIcurledintoaball.Healwaysgetswanthewants.Iheardthedoor

shutandhisfeetonthefloor.Iapologizedagain,inmyheadbecauseIrefusetospeaktohim.Icry

andscream,butIrefusedtousewords.Hedoesn’tdeservethem.

Itwouldn’thelpanyway.

HesaidsomethinginSpanish,

andIknewhewasnexttome.

Iwantedthedarkness,butIhadsomanythoughtsinmyheadIwashavingtroublefindingit.

NormallyIcouldhidebynow,buttodaywouldbedifferent.JustlikethedayIlostmyeye,todaywould

leaveascar.TodaywouldhavethelargestimpactonmylifesinceI’vebeenhere.Hewasgoingtotake

mybabyfromme.

Ijerkedinbedandglancedattheclock.

Twoa.m.

Istartedrockingmyselfinthemiddleofthebed.

DependingonMikeallthetimehadtobehardonhislife,andIknewIhadtogetmyshittogether.I

brieflythoughtaboutgoingbackonthepillsIusedtotakeafterIwasrescued,buttheymademefeellikeI

was nothing. They dragged me down even worse thanIalreadywasandfeelinglikeazombiewasn’t

somethingIwantedtofeellikeagain.

Lincolncameoutofsurgeryjustfine,andtheysaidhe’dbarelybeawakefortherestofthedayso

NatalietookMikeandmehome.Itwasforthebest.EventhoughIhadthemaskandwewereinaroom

withthedoorshut,Iwasbarelyabletokeepittogether.IfMikehadn’tofbeenthere,Iwouldhavelostit

afterafewminutes.Nataliewasgoingtotextme,keepmeupdated,andthencomebacktomorrowand

pickmeup.ItoldherIwantedtogoandImeantitbutnow,Iwasn’tsosure.

FlashesoftheDevil’sfacewerestrongerthanmyhappythoughts,soIdecidedtoturnthelightson

andwatchamovie.Ihadtogetridofthedarkness,andmaybesomeofthepainwouldgoaway.

IturnedeverylightswitchonasImademywaytothelivingroom.

WhattheDevildidtomeduringthethreeyearsIwaschainedtothatbedwasn’tsomethingIwanted

toremembersoIfoundthedarknessasmuchasIcould.Iembracedit.Everytimehecame,Ifoundmy

wayoutthroughthedarkness.IwentsoIcouldn’tfeelwhathewasdoingtome.However,thedarkness

betrayedmeonmorethanoneoccasion.Sometimeshewouldslapmewhileherapedmeandsometimes

hechokedme,soIwasn’talwaysabletoseekthecomfortofthedarkness.

Thedayhetookmybaby,I’dneverforget.Ifeltthepain,Isawwhathewasdoingandwhenmy

bodycouldn’ttakeitanymore,Iblackedout.

Iwassopowerless.

Occasionally, I still hear his voice echoing the word ángel, and it freaks me out. I was told they

killedhimwhentheyrescuedmealongwithalltheotherfemalesatthecompound.Hehelpedrunahuman

traffickingringoutofMexico,andIwasn’ttheonlyfemalelockedinaroom.Hehadsomanythatthey

neededthreelargewhitevanstotransportustothehospital.Wewerealllostinthedarknessandnoone

spoketoanyone.

Ineversawhisdeadbody.

Inevergotjustice.

Heneverfeltpainorsufferedforhiscrimes.

Hewasaliveoneminuteanddeadthenext.

Whatkindofjusticeisthat?!

Mymusclesstartedtotenseup,myheartbeatjustalittlebitheavier.

Isawthepost-it-notesalongthebackwallofthelivingroomandwenttostandinfrontofthem.

Ihatedhimforwhathedid,hatedhimforhowhe’sstillfuckingcontrollingme.

MyjawclenchedasIpulledoneoffandcrumbleditupinmyhandsbeforelettingithitthefloor.

I’mstilllettingthatsicksonofabitchcontrolme.

Ihateit!

Isnatchedanotheroffthewall,notevenlookingatthewordsandcrumpleditinmyhand,thepaper

bitingintomyskin.IscreamedthroughmyclenchedjawasIgrabbedafistfulofpaperandtearsfilledmy

eyes.Igrabbedmore,destroyingthemquicklyandreachingupformore.Thereweresomanyasmyhands

andarmsscrambledoverthewallmakingsureIgotthemall.

Hestoleeverythingfromme.Mychildhood.Mybody.Mylife.

Heruinedourfamily.

Heruinedme.

Everysinglepost-it-notewasdestroyedandthetancoloredwallwasbarewhenIrealizedIwas

nowhittingthewallwiththesideofmyfists.Islowlystopped,droppedmyarmstomysides,andlooked

atthescatteredblackpiecesofpaperonthefloor.

WhatwouldIdowithoutmypost-itnotes?

Myangersubsidedandsadnessslowlytookover.

Ifeltbadforcrumplingupthestupidpost-itnotes!

Becauseyou’recrazy.

IsatdownandstartedgatheringthemandslowlypulledthemapartsoIcouldsmooththemout.

Tearshitmylegs,butIdidnothingaboutit.Imadepilesofthenotes,makingsurethatthesameactivity

writtenonthemwereinthesamepilesandthenstartedpushingthemagainstthebackofthewall.

“Ashton.”IheardMike’svoiceandknewhewastalkingintothecrackofthedoor.

Iwipedmyarmovermyface,hatingthatIfeltthescar,yetanotherreminderofhim.“I’mcoming,”

Isaidstanding.

He hugged me as soon as soon as he could and I reached over and pushed the door shut. “The

neighborcalled,saidheheardnoises.Likeyouwerepoundingnailsinthewallorsomething.”

Isniffed,“Iforgotthebedroomwasontheothersideofthewall.”

“Iknewyouweren’tputtingnailsinit,sowhywereyouhittingit?”

“Lockthedoor,”Isaidpullingaway.

Hedidandwewentandsatonthecouch.

“Whyareallthelightson?”

“Nightmare.”

“Thatbad?”heaskedsittingbackonthecouch.

IproppedmyelbowonthebackofthecouchsoIcouldfacehim.“Yep.”

“About?”

“Whatelsewoulditbeabout,”Isnappedandhelookedaway.

Ireachedouttouchedhisarm.“I’msorry,Mike.”

Hedidn’tlookatmebutasked,“Whywereyouhittingthewall.”

“Igotmadatthepost-it-notes.”

Heturnedaroundandsmiledatthebarewall.“That’sgood.”

“Youjustthinkthey’restupid.”

“Yes,buttheyhelpyousoI’mconflicted,”hejokedandturnedbackaround.“AnythingIcandoto

help.Wantapill?”

“SoIcansleepandhaveanothernightmare?”

“Maybeyouwon’t?”

“Iwasgoingtowatchamovie.”

“Soundsfun.”Hestretchedouthislegsandputanarmacrossthebackofthecouch.

“Justmakeyourselfathome.”

###

“Everyoneputtheirmaskson,”Nataliesaidaftersheturnedthetruckoff.Mikeofferedtodrive,but

NataliesaidLincolndoesn’tlikeanyonedrivinghistruck;therefore,shedrove.

Lincoln’sbestfriendNickwaswithusandIcaughthimstaringatmeseveraltimes.Everytimehe

triedtotalk,Nataliewouldhithimandtakechargeofthesituation.Iwasn’tsurewhatwasgoingon,butI

wasthankfulsheintervenedbecauseIdidn’twanttotalktohim.Eventhoughhe’sLincoln’sbestfriend,

andIshould,itjustwasn’ttherighttime.IwassotiredfromwatchingmoviesallnightbutIwantedtosee

Lincoln.Shesaidhewasdoinggoodandwasn’tgoingtohavehismorningpainmedicationuntilafterwe

leftsohecouldbesomewhatcoherentwhenwevisited.

WeallwalkedinwiththemasksonandwentstraighttoLincoln’sroom.Mikewasthelastonein,

closingitquicklyhenoddedtomewhilehewaitedbythedoor.

IturnedaroundandsawNataliehugginganotherwoman.“Mom,whatareyoudoinghere?”

“Don’tbesilly,”shesaidpullingaway.

“Iwassupposedtopickyouupthisafternoon.”

“Iwasabletogetonanearlierflight.Whyareyouwearingthatonyourface?Areyousick?”She

glancedatNickwhowasstandingbehindNatalieandthenstartedtoturnherheadtowardsus.

IspunbackaroundandwenttoMike,shakingmyheadquickly.Ican’tmeethismom.

Mikegrabbedmyhandandmouthed,“It’sokay.”

“Ashton’shere,”Nataliesaid.

“Ashton?”hismomquestioned,andIcouldfeelthemstareatthebackofmyhead.

“Ashton?”Lincoln’sgroggyvoicebrokethroughthetensionintheroom.“Ashton,”hecalledout.

Ikeptshakingmyheadno.

IdesperatelywantedtoseeLincolnandhisprettyblueeyesbutnothismom.Thiswasn’tpartofthe

plan.

IleanedmyforeheadagainstMike’schest.Ihadtokeepittogether.

“Mom,”Nataliesaid,“let’sgogetsomecoffee.

“Ijustgothere.”

“Breathe,”Mikewhisperedintomyear.

“Mom,”shestressedandIheardherhuffwhileMikeheldmetighter.

“Do you want to leave?” Mike asked, and I shook my head no. I did want to see Lincoln, I just

neededtheirmomtoleave.Ineededtobealonewithhim.Ihadtoseehewasokay.

“YouknowIdon’tdrinkcoffee,”hermomsaid,irritated.

IheardnoisesandwhisperingandgrippedMike’sshirt.

“Areyoupassingout?”heasked,andIagainshookmyheadno.

“Lincoln,sweetheart,”hismomsaidtightlipped,“I’llbeback…IguessIneedsomecoffee.”

“I’llbeherewhenyougetback,”LincolnsaidandMikepulledmetothesidesotheycouldwalk

outtheroom.

Icouldn’tevenlookatthem.

Iwassoembarrassed.

When I turned around I noticed Nick had gone with them, so it was just Mike and Lincoln in the

roomwithme.Ithelped.Ithelpedmypoorheartwhichwasstillslammingagainstmychest.

Therewasawhitesheetpulledhalfwayacrosstheroom,soallIcouldseewastheendofhisleg

being held up. I held Mike’s hand and we slowly walked around the curtain and Lincoln smiled

immediately.

“There you are.” He reached out for my hand and I hesitated because all I pictured was myself,

layinginahospitalbed,brokendownandhurt.

Mikesqueezedmyhandtellingmeitwasokay,andIjuststoodtherestaringathim.

“DoIlookthatbad?”LincolnaskedandMikeanswered,“Shehateshospitals.Likereallyfucking

hatesthem.”

“Butyou’rehere.”

Inodded.

“Themask?”heaskedandagainMikeanswered,“Yousmell.”

“Iprobablydo.”Lincolnchuckled.“Haven’tleftthisbedyet.”

Theybarelykneweachotherbuttheywerefriendsandfeltcomfortablejokingaround.

IletgoofMike’shandandwalkedovertothesideofthebed.Hepulledoutalittleremoteandhita

button,makingthebedcomeupmore.“Iwon’tbite.”

Ismiledunderthemask.

“I’msorryIwasn’tthereyesterday,”hesaidwithaloopysmileandbruisedeye.

“Youdon’thavetoapologize.”

“Shetalks,”hejoked.

IwatchedasIslidmyhandintohisandthenslowlyraisedmyeyesuptohim.“Imighthavefreaked

outbutitwasn’tyourfault.”

“SomeassholewastextingandhitmewhenIwasinthecrosswalk.IfIhadbeenwalkingIthinkhe

wouldhavemissedme,butIwasrunning,andweallknowhowthatturnedout.”

“Didtheycatchhim?”

“DetectivestoppedbyyesterdaybutIwassleeping;apparently,they’recomingbacktoday.”

ItensedupandLincolnbroughtourhandsuptokissmine.“They’llbehereafteryouleave.”

IhadsomanyquestionstoaskbutIstoppedtalkingandwestaredateachotherforafewminutes

andthewholetimewebothjustsmiledateachother.

Wedidn’tsayanythingforafewminutes,whichwasgoodbecauseIwasstillonhighalert.Atany

momentnow,thedoorcouldopenandifit’snotNatalieandhermom,itcouldbeanurseordoctor.

“Somymom’shere.”

Inodded.

“She’llbestayingwithme.”

Inoddedagain.

“Areyougoingtovisitme?”

Ishruggedashoulder.

“Doyouknowhowlongmyrecoveryisgoingtobe?”

Ishookmyhead.

“I’llprobablybehereaweekortwo.Then,I’llneedphysicaltherapytomakesureIdon’twalk

funnybutIjustmightthistime,soit’llbemonths.Severalmonths.”

“Idon’tcareifyouendupwalkingfunny.”

“Iknewyouwouldn’t.”

Itookadeepbreathinandletitoutslowly.

“Months,Ashton.”

Icockedmyheadtotheside.

“MonthsofrecoveryandI’mnotgoingmonthswithoutseeingyou.”

“Cometomyplace?”

“Maybe in a few weeks, with the wheelchair or crutches. But for now, I’d like you to come see

me.”

Ishruggedagain.“Yourmomisthere.”

“I’llkickheroutifitmeansyou’llcomevisitme.”

Ichuckled.“Yourmomwillbemad.”

“She’llunderstand.”

“Sosheknowsaboutme?”

“Shewasn’tsupposedtobehereuntilthisafternoon,andIwasgoingtotellheraboutyouthen.”

“SheprobablythinksI’mafreak.”

LincolnpulledonmyarmsoI’dImoveclosertohimandIdid.“Don’tsaythat,Ashton,”hesaid

softly,puttinghishandonmycheek.“You’rebeautiful.”

“I’m wearing huge black sunglasses that cover half my face and the other half is hiding under a

mask.”

“Youcouldtaketheglassesoff,”hesuggestedandIwrinkledmyforeheadathim.“I’mjusthappy

youcametoseeme.”

“Iwasworriedaboutyou.Doesithurt?”

“Fuckyes,”helaughed.“Ihavecontroloverthemedicinerightnow,though,soI’llbehittingthe

buttonassoonasyouleave.”

“Wecan’tstaylong.Mike’stechnicallyworkingandI’mtired.”

“Willyoucomebacklater?”

BeforeIcouldanswerMikespokeup,“I’llbringyou,Ashton.”

Ishruggedmyshoulder.“Canyoutext?”

“Phonegotcrushedintheaccident.IcouldseeifNataliecangetmealoaner.”

Ileanedup,slippedmymaskdownandkissedhisforehead.“I’msorryifIdon’tcomeback.”

Hereachedup,puttinghishandbehindmyneck.“Iknowhowhardthisisforyou,andIcan’tthank

youenoughforcomingtoseeme.You’rebraverthanyouthink,Ashton.”

IputthemaskbackonandgavehishandonemoresqueezebeforeIleft.

“I’msorry,”IwhisperedasIwalkedoutoftheroom.

MikeandIcalledacabandwenthome.Isleptforfivehours,nonightmare,nodreams.Mywhole

daywasoff.Nothingwentright,nothingwentwrong.Itwasjustdifferent.AndIknewgoingforwardthat

myentirelifewasgoingtochange.Mydayswerenolongergoingtobethesameastheywerepriorto

meetingLincolnWalker.

Chapter20-Lincoln

“I’mgoingtoAshton’sapartment.”

“Why?”mymomaskedstandingfromthecouch.

“I’msureyouknowwhy,Mom?”Mycrutchesgotmeoutofmyroom,andIwasalmosttothedoor.

TheywereannoyingbutIcouldn’thobbleonthelegjustyet.

“ButIjustgothere.”

“You’vebeenlivinghere,Mom.”

“ButNatalieandIweregoneallday.”

Iopenedthedoor.“You’llbefinewithoutmeforanhour.”

“Whataboutdinner?”sheaskedbrokenhearted.Mymomwasveryeasygoingandlaughedalot,

butwhenherkidsweresickorinjured,sheworriedmore.Shewasalittleoverprotectivebutinagood

way.Shetrulywasthebestmom.

“Ashtonmademedinner,”IansweredasIswungmyheadaroundtomeethereyes.“Mom,Ilove

youbutIhaven’tseenherintwodays.”

She shook her head. “I’m still confused about your relationship with her,” she said taking a step

towardsme.

“It’saworkinprogress,Mom.”

“WhencanImeether?”

I shouldn’t get frustrated with my mom, she means well, but Ashton isn’t ready even though I’ve

been home from the hospital for a week now. My mom wasn’t leaving anytime soon, so Ashton was

slowlygettingusedtotheideaofmeetingher.Ithinkit’sgoingwell.Ishowedherpicturesofusgrowing

up,eventheoneswithmyfatherinthemandIthinkithelped.

“SoonMom,Ipromise.”

She gave me a nice smile, knowing it wouldn’t happen today and said, “I just want to meet the

womanwhostoleyourheart.”

Shesuredid.

“Youwill,soon.”IhustledoutthedoorandtextedAshtonthatIwasstandinginfrontofherdoor.A

fewsecondslaterIheardthethreechains,thenthedeadbolt,andfinallysawherbeautifulface,minusthe

stupidglasses.

“I’m moving in.” I wobbled in and went straight to the couch so I could prop my leg up so the

throbbingcouldcalmdown.Ihadaplateandsomescrewsholdingmylegtogetherthistimebecauseof

the nasty break it suffered. I’m supposed to use the wheelchair, but it was on the small side and

uncomfortable.Plus,Iwasaman.Ididn’tneedastupidwheelchair.

“Youcan’tmovein,”sheprotestedassheslideachchainbackintoplace.

“Mymotherandsisterweregonealldaybutthey’restilldrivingmenuts.Everytimemybestfriend

comestovisit,healwaysendsupwithNatalie,inherroom,withthedoorshut.Thencomesoutanhour

laterwithaflushedfaceandapologizestome,butleavesrightawaybecausehe’sworkingdoubletime

coveringmyshifts.”

“Butyoucan’tmovein.”Shestoodstillbythedoor,afraidtomovebecauseofwhatItoldher.

“Itwasajoke,”Isaidwithasmile.

Hershouldersdroppedandsheletoutabreath.“Youcan’tjokelikethat.”

“You’llgetusedtoit.”

“Doesithurt?”sheaskedwalkingtowardsmeuntilshewasatmyside.

“I’mfine.”

I reached my hand out, she took it and then lowered her lips to mine. It’s always closed mouth

kissesbutIdon’tcomplain.Itakewhatshe’llgivemebecauseIknowshe’sworththewait.

“You’rebe-“

“Idon’twanttohearittoday,”shemutteredwalkingintothekitchen.

“Fine,thenwhyhaveyouignoredmethelasttwodays?”

Shespunaroundholdingametalspooninherhand.“Ididn’tignoreyou.”

“Ihaven’tseenyouintwodaysandwelivefourfeetfromeachother.”

“Wetexted.”

“Notthesame,”Ishotback,butwithasmilesosheknewIwasn’ttryingtobeanass.Iwantedher

totalkaboutwhathappenedbetweenustwodaysago.

“Ididcallyou.”

“OnceAsh,butagainit’snotthesame.”

Shespunbackaroundandpulledthepanoffthestoveandcarriedittothesink.Shesaidshewas

making spaghetti so I assumed she was draining the noodles, but the side of the hallway cut part of the

kitchenoffandIcouldn’tseeher.

Sheclunkedthepansaroundmakingmorenoisethannecessaryandthenmovedbacktothestove,

withherbacktome.Itwasn’tMondaysohershirtwasblackandherjeansthesame.I’veseenhercloset

soIknowallherjeansarethesamestyle,andsheonlywearsblackorwhitet-shirts.I’veonlyseenherin

thejeansorherblackshortsthatshewearstobed.Iprefertheshorts.Herlegsarecreamywhitebecause

sheneverletsthesuntouchthem,andtheyaretonedandlongenoughtowraparoundmywaist,andmy

imaginationhasalreadymadeentirescenariosforwhenthatwillhappen.Notwhenshe’shavingapanic

attack.Itmighttakeayearortwo,orlonger,butitwillhappen.

“Don’tbeembarrassed,”Itoldheragainforthehundredthtime.

Shebangedthepotsaroundafewmoretimes,mutteringsomethingunderherbreathanditmademe

laugh.Icouldn’thelpit,plusImighthavetakenapartialpainpillaboutthirtyminutesago,soI’mabit

happyrightnow.Soveryhappy.

Sheturnedaroundandglaredatme.

“Yes,sweetheart?”

“Idon’tknowhowmuchfoodyouwant.”

“Morethanless.”

“Morethanless?”

“Yep.”

“Whydidyouwinkatme?”sheaskedpickingupaplate.

“DidI?”

Sheturned around, piledsome food onthe plates then walkedback over tothe couch. She didn’t

haveakitchentablesothiswaswherewealwaysate.Shesetthemdownonthecoffeetableandwent

backintothekitchen,grabbedtwobottlesofwateroutofthefridge,andjoinedmeagain.

“Areyousureyou’reokay?”sheaskedsittingnexttomeonthecouch,inspectingmyface.

“I’mhappy,”Isang.

“You’rehigh,”shedeadpanned.

“Ineedthosepills,”Istated.

Sheturnedaround,grabbedtheremote,andstartedamovie.“Iknowyoudo,”shesaidsoftly.She

tucked her feet under her legs and then grabbed my plate and handed it to me. “I wasn’t trying to be

mean.”

Irubbedherbackwithonehandandgrabbedmyplatewiththeother.“Iknow.”

Weatewhilethemovieplayedandmyphonestartedringing.Ipulleditoutofmypocketandsaw

my mom’s picture flash across the screen. I noticed the time and it had been over an hour. I showed

Ashtonmyphoneandthenansweredit.

“Mom.”

“Areyouokay?”

“Yes.”

“It’sbeenanhour,”shecommented.

“Ilosttrackoftime,”Ireplied.

“I’mbored.”

“Callyourboyfriend.”

Shelaughed,“OhLinc,he’snotmyboyfriend.Yet.”

“I’mnotcominghometonight.”

I felt Ashton move, but I didn’t look. I just rested my head on the back of the couch. “Bring my

bottlesacrossthehallandputtheminfrontofdoor,knocktwice,andthenleave.”

“Well,that’sweird.”

“I’mweird,Mom,”Ireplied.

“Lincoln,”shesaidinhermotherlytone.

“Mom,”Igrunted,“I’mnotateenageranymore.”

AshtongotupandIwatchedhercarrytheplatesintothekitchen,cleanthemoff,andheardherturn

thewateron.Shecouldn’tleavedirtydishesinthesink.Notevenforoneminute.LasttimeIatedinner

withher,Itriedtoblockherfromthesinkanditwasn’tthebestideaofmine.Shehadtocleanthemright

away.I’dgetupandhelpherbutsheknewmylegcouldn’thandleitandIwasn’tgoingtodoanything

morethanIalreadyhavebecauseIdon’twanttosetbackmyrecovery.

“Iknow,butIhavetokeeptrying.”

Ismiled.“Soon.”

Shehesitatedthensaid,“WellI’mmakingpancakesandbacon.Crispybacon,justthewayyoulike

itforbreakfast.”

“Soundsgreat,don’tforgetaboutthepills,Mom.”

“I’monit.”

IhungupandnoticedAshtonhadpausedthemovie.

“Ashton,”IcalledintothekitchenandshetookafewstepsbacksoIcouldseeher.Igrinnedather

andletherinonmyplans.“I’mtotallyspendingthenight.”

Sherolledhereyesandwentbacktodoingthedishes.

Ashton

LincolnremindedmeofSuzanne.

Push.

Hedidn’tknowit,buthewaspushingme.Ormaybehedid,andhewasdoingthisshitonpurpose.

First,hesayshewantstomovein,thenhesayshe’sstayingthenight,andwebothknowwhathappened

thelasttimehewasinmybed.Itwasjustforanapbutstill,wewerethereandithappened.Iwantto

forgetit,andhewon’tletme.

Twodaysago,wetookanapbecausehewastiredfromhismedicineandIdidn’twanttobealone,

so we cuddled and took a nap. I woke up first and watched him sleep because I loved seeing him so

peacefulandrestingeasy.Whenhewokeup,hegotbraveandlethishandtouchmybody.Iactuallylet

him because he started by running his hands through my hair and down my back; innocent enough but

eventuallyhishandtraveledaroundmywaist.Ididn’thavemybraonandhebarelytouchedthebottomof

myboob,butitwasthescaredoneandIfreakedout.

Ishouldn’thavefreakedoutbecauseIstillhadmyshirton,andhishandwasovermyshirt.Itwas

justenoughtopushmeovertheedge.

IremindedhimIwasafreak.

Iremindedhimthatitwasabadideatodateme.

IremindedhimthatI’dneverbeabletohavesex.

Buthestayed.

HestayedinbedwithmeandheldmeasIcried.

HestayeduntilIfellbackasleep.

HestayeduntilIkickedhimoutthenextmorningbecauseIwasstillembarrassed.

Hestayedawayfortwodays.

Buthecameback.

Healwayscomesback.

Hesaidhe’dnevergiveuponmeandthatIshouldn’tgiveuponmyself.

So,IlethimcomebackbecauseIwastiredofpushinghimaway.

Iwastiredofdenyingmyfeelingsforhim.

Butmostofall,Iwastiredofhiding.

Iwastiredoftryingsodamnhard.

Chapter21-Ashton

“Hold my hand the entire time,” I told Lincoln again, as we stood in front of his apartment door.

I’venevermadeitthisfar.I’veneverfacedhisdoorknowingthatanysecondI’dbewalkingthroughit.

“I’lldomybest,”hesaid,pullingourtangledhandsupsohecouldkissthetopofmine.

Hewassonice.

Sosweet.

Andsopatient.

ImadeitthroughthenightbutonlybecauseLincolndroppedthewhole‘boobtouching’thing,likeit

neverhappened,butthenagainhewastakingpainmedicineandkindofoutofit.Hecouldn’tstopsmiling

orholdingmyhand.Hekissedmeoften,butjustonthecheekorforeheadandheldmyhandevenwhenwe

sleptbutkepthishandsinsafezones.

Ipushedmysunglassesuntiltheycouldn’tgoanyfartheronmynoseandthentookadeepbreathin

andout.

Lincoln’smotherwasontheothersideofthedoorandhadmadebreakfastforhim.Shedidn’tknow

IwascomingsoIstillhadtimetobailandshe’dneverknow.Nataliewashome,thatwouldhelp,and

Lincoln said Nick was coming over. I wasn’t sure why I thought I could handle them all at once, but I

figuredI’dgetitdoneinonevisit.Getitoverwith.Lincolnwouldbeonthecouchbecauseofhisleg,and

Iplannedtositnexttohimtheentiretime.

“Ash,”Lincolnsaidsoftly,“myleg.”

Iswungmyheadupathim.“I’msosorry.”

HisblueeyesdancedaroundmyfaceasifIwasn’twearingtheglassesandsmiledatme,“Yougot

this.”

Inodded.

“I’vegotyou.”

Inodded.

Lincoln’shandraisedupinslowmotionandthesoundoftheknocksmademyearsring.Icouldfeel

thesweatformingwhereourhandswereclaspedtogetherbutwhenItriedtopullawayheheldmetighter.

ThedooropenedandIbracedmyselfforhismother.Ihadseenthepictures,buttheyweren’tupto

date.

“Hey,Linc,”Nataliegreeted.“Ashton.”

SheworethesamesunglassesasmebecauseIgaveheranextrapairofmine.

“Likemysunglasses?”sheaskedwiththelargestsmileI’veeverseen,thenpulledthemdownand

winkedatmebeforeshepushedthembackup.“Iknowyoudo.”

Whyaretheysonicetome?

“Ineedtoelevate,”Lincolnsaidandhehadtoletgoofmyhandtooperatehiscrutches.Ifeltlikea

dog following his master because I was hiding behind him as he walked in and went to the couch. His

apartmentwasjustlikeminebutfacedtheoppositeway.Iwantedtolookaroundandseehowdifferent

hisapartmentwasbutIcouldn’t.Ihadtunnelvision,andIjusthadtositonthatcouchandgroundmyself.

MykneestartedtobounceassoonaswesatdownandLincolnplacedhishandonitinaneffortto

help, but it didn’t. I glanced over my shoulder and saw Natalie talking to her mom in the kitchen, still

wearingthesunglasses.HermomwasgrabbingplatesandhandingthemtoNatalie,andIfeltbadfornot

offeringtohelp.IturnedbackaroundandLincolnwasslowlyrunninghisfingertipsacrossmyknee,andI

rubbedmysweatyhandsbackandforthonmyjeans.

“Yougotthis,”Lincolnsaidsoftlywhileusinghisotherhandtoflipthroughthechannels.

Igotthis.

I’masurvivor.

IsurvivedtheDevil’swrath,Icansurvivemeetinghismom.

A few weeks ago, I felt like my life was changing. I felt like pieces of me were coming back

together, and that I was getting a grip on my life. Of course, life happened, and I felt like I was going

backward.Recoverytakestime.Iknowthis;IjustwishIcouldjustgetonagoodtrackandstaythere.

IscootedtotheedgeofthecouchandLincolnsatforwardtoask,“What’swrong?”

“I got this,” I said with trembling lips. I wiped my brow with the back of my arm and stood up

beforeIcompletelylostit.

“Ashton,”IheardLincoln’sconcernedvoice,“pleasedon’tleave.”

I spun around and yelled my name. Natalie and her mom both stopped what they were doing and

lookedatme.

“I’mAshton,”Isaidagain,thenspunaroundandrantothebathroom.Ikickedthebathroomdoor

shutanddroppedtomykneespreparingfortheworst.Mystomachwasinknots,andIwassweatingso

badthatIknewIwouldneedanothershowerandsoon.

ThedooropenedbutIkeptdoingmybreathingexerciseswhichconsistedofmyeyesbeingclosed,

headovertheseat,andhandsholdingmyheadup.

“Ashton,”Natalie’ssoftvoicesaidwhileherhandwenttomyback.“You’regoingtobeokay.”

“Ifreakedoutonyourmom.”

“Notreally.”

“Ican’tstop,”Imuttered,feelingmyeyesstarttotear.“Idothisallthetime.”

She kept rubbing her hand on my back trying to comfort me and so far, it was helping. She was

alwaysabletocalmmedownandchaseawaymyanxiety.

“Youandyourbrother,”ImutteredgrabbingsometoiletpapertodabmyeyesandthenrealizedI

couldn’ttakemyglassesoff.NataliestillworeherssoItoldhertotakethemoff.

“Nope.”Shewassittingonthetoiletwithherlegscrossed,andherhandsinherlap.Itdawnedon

methenthattheyweren’tsupposedtoknowIwascomingovertoday.

Whichmeantonething.

“Lincolntextedyou?”

“What?”sheasked,tryingtobeconfused.

“LincolntoldyouIwascomingover,didn’the?”

Sheadvertedhereyesandpuckeredherlips.

“Thatasshole,”Imuttered,standingandreachingforthedoorknob.

“Ashton,wait.”

“Why?”Iasked,turningaroundandsawshetookherglassesoff.

“Hewasjusttryingtohelpyou,”shesaid.

“Why?”Isnapped.“Whydoeshewanttohelpme?Whydoyouwanttohelpme?”

“Ijust…”

“It doesn’t make sense, Natalie. Lincoln doesn’t know me,” I hissed, jabbing myself in the chest.

“Youdon’tknowme,andyourmomsureashelldoesn’tknowme.”

“Wewanttoknowyou.”

“I’magirlbarelyhangingontothelifeshehas.I’mafreak.Adisaster.Whywouldanyonewantto

knowme!”

“Ashton,”shewarned,takingastepcloser.“Don’tsaythingslikethat.”

Myfistsclenchedatmyside.“It’strueNatalie!”

“IusedtothinkIwasafreakandmymomsaid-”

“Areyoufuckingseriousrightnow!”

Shetookastepback.“Ashton.”

Irippedmysunglassesoff.“ThisiswhatafreaklookslikeNatalie.”Ispunaroundbeforeherface

turned to disgust and stormed out. I didn’t look at Lincoln, I didn’t look at his mom, but I know I left

holdingmysunglassesinmyhand.Imadesurethedoorwaslocked,thechainswereinplace,andthenI

wentstraighttothebathroom.IgotnakedandtookthehottestshowerIcould.Iwashedandscrubbedand

washedsomemore,wishingthescarswouldfade.Wishingtheywouldgoaway.

Battlescars.Lincolncalledthem.

Survivor.I’mtold.

Istartedtohitthesideofmyhead.“Survivor,”Isaidoutloud.“Battlescars.”MaybeIcouldbeatit

intome.ThenmaybeIcouldbelieveitall.

Iusedtocutmyself,hopingthepainwouldflowoutfrommybodybutitdidn’twork.WhenIfinally

toldSuzannewhatIhadbeendoing,shewentballistic.Imadehercryandshewassoupsetwithme,that

Iquitdoingit.Itwasn’thelpinganyway.

Thepainwouldn’tgoaway.Itnevergoesaway.

Whyisitsohardtomoveon?

Willthepaineverstop?

“Survivor,”Isaidasthewaterrolleddownmyface.“Battlescars.”

“You’rebeautiful.”

IhuffedatLincoln’swordsrunningthroughmyhead.Iknewhe’dneverstoptellingmethataslong

ashewasinmylife.

CouldIgetusedtohearingthosewordsfortherestofmylife?BecausethereisnowayI’dever

dateanyoneotherthanLincoln.I’dneverletanyoneelsein.Ifhewasn’tit,thenallhopewaslostbecause

Idon’tthinkIamstrongenoughtogothroughthisshitagain.

“You’rebeautiful.”

This time I smiled. I ran a hand over my face and felt my scars. They were rigged and hard but

didn’tfeelasbadasIthoughttheywould.AyearafterIwasrescuedIsawadoctorthatsaidhemightbe

abletofixmyeyeviatransplant,butIrefused.ThereweretoomanycomplicationsandIcouldn’thandle

thethoughtofsurgeryandbeinginahospitalagain,soIturnedtheofferdown.

“You’rebeautiful.”

Iranmyhandovermybreastandmadesuretofeeleverydent,everybump,beforecontinuingdown

myabdomenwhichonlyremindedmethatthereonceusedtobeababyinthere.Thebabywasmyonly

glimmerofhopeandlove,butIknewwithinamatterofdaysthathe’dfindout.Hecametovisitmeevery

day,threetimesaday,sometimesmore.Ihonestlydidn’tknowhowhecouldfindthetimeorenergyto

visitmesomuch,buthedid.Whenhesawthedifference,heknew.Hesavagelytoremybabyfromme,

spittingandyellinginSpanish.

Heneverforgotaboutme,andhestillwon’tletmeforgetabouthim.

Lincoln

“You’re beautiful,” I said again for the fourth time, leaning up against her bathroom sink. My leg

throbbedsobad,itfeltliketheplatewouldburstoutofmylegbutsheneededme.

After she ran out with her glasses off, I knew it was bad. I followed her, but I knew the chains

wouldbeonthedoorbythetimeIgottoherapartment.Instead,tosavetime,IcalledMikeandgotthe

boltcutters.Shewasshoweringattena.m.andIthinkIknewwhy,butwasn’tahundredpercentsure.I

figuredI’dtellhershewasbeautiful,she’dscreambecauseIscaredher,andthenwe’dlivehappilyever

after.

“You’rebeautiful,Ashton.”

Herheadpoppedoutthesideofthecurtainafewsecondslater.“Whatthefuckareyoudoingin

here?”

“Icametocheckonyou.”

“Howdidyougetin?”

Isquintedandlookedaway.

“Howdidyougetin,Lincoln?”sheyelledthistimeandIheardtheshowercurtainclose.“Getout!”

Herscreechreverberatedoffthesmallbathroomwalls,butmoreso,Icouldhearherheavybreathingand

Iworriedshewouldhaveapanicattackrightintheshower.IhadtopickmybattleswithAshton,while

stillpushinghertomoveforward.

“Fine,butI’mnotgoinganywhere.”

I hate these damn crutches. I understand why they were invented, but someone needed to invent

something more comfortable for people to use. These were rubbing on my arms and causing sores. I

sighedbeforeIturnedandleft,IcouldalmostfeelherrelaxabitonceIgaveherthespacesheneeded.

Slowly,Imadeitoutofherbathroomanddownthehall,wincingandcursingthesedamncrutcheswith

eachshuffle.

IheardhermakingnoisesasIproppedmyleguponthecoffeetable.Iwasn’tsureifanythingIwas

doinghelpedher.Shehadgooddaysandbad,justlikeeveryoneelse,butthebaddayswerereallybad.It

tookdays,sometimesaweek,togetbacktowhereshewaswhichtoldmeshewastrying.

Shetellsmeshelikesmeandwantstospendtimewithme,butI’mnotsureifshe’smygirlfriendor

not.IwanttoclarifythatsoIcouldshoutitfromtherooftop,butI’mnotsureIshouldpushthesubjector

not.She’sgotalotgoingonandsodoI.Iwishmylegwouldhealfasterbutitwon’t.Afterrecovery,I

startphysicaltherapy.It’sagoodthingIknewhowtosavemoneyorI’dbescrewed,plusmymomwas

hereandshe’stheboss,whichmeantshewouldbehelpingmeout.Shegotasmalltwinsizedbedandput

itinNatalie’sroom,andIknewshe’dbehereaslongasIneededher.

“Wherearethey?”sheaskedfullofragecomingdownthehallway,wearingherpajamas.

“What?”Iasked,watchinghergostraighttothedoor.

“Mychains,Lincoln,”sheseethed.“Wherearemychains?”

“Icutthem.”

Sheslappedonehandonthedoorandtheotherranoverthecutpieceshangingfromthedoorand

frame.

Ihadroyallyfuckedup.

“Ashton,comehere.”

Shewouldn’tmoveandwouldn’ttalk,soIpushedawaymypainandwenttoher.Shefellintome

sobbing,andIslowlyslidustothefloor.

“Whydidyoudothat?”sheaskedsobbingintomyt-shirt.“Why?

“It’snotthefirsttime.”

“Iwasinahugedepressionatthetimeandcouldn’tthinkstraight.Plus,Mikereplacedthembefore

Iknewwhathedid.”

“IwasworriedaboutyouandIknewyouwouldn’tletmein.”

“Mychains,”shesobbedmore,grippingmyshirtinherfists,“Ineedthem,Linc.”

“I’llgetnewones.”

Shepulledherforeheadfrommychestandlookedatme.“Now.Ineedthemnow,Linc.Youcan’t

dothingslikethat.”

“I’msorryAsh,butyouaremoreimportanttomethanthosechains.”

“Thosechainsareimportanttome,”shecried.

“Weliveinasecurebuilding,andyouhaveadeadboltandadoorlock.”

“Youdon’tunderstand,”shehissedtryingtopushaway,andIwrappedmyarmstighteraroundher.

“Youcan’tunderstandit.NooneunderstandsanythingIdo.”

“Tellme.”

“No.”Shetriedtopushawayagain.“IneedthosechainsfixednowbeforeIcompletelyloseit!”

“Youwon’tloseit.”

“Theymakemefeelsafe.Iknowtheyaren’tindestructible,buttome,it’salayerofprotectionfrom

theDevil.Ifeellikenoonecangetthroughthosechains.EventhoughIhearhisvoice,orseehiminmy

dreams,Ifeellikehecan’tbreakthosechains.Idon’twanttheDevilinhere,Lincoln.”

“Iwon’tlethimoranyoneelsehurtyou.Everagain.”

“Ineedthem,”shecried.

“Youneedme.”

Shenodded.“Idon’tlikechange.Youcan’tdothingslikethatandnotgetareactionfromme.”

I kissed her forehead before she laid it on my chest. “I don’t like feeling out of control,” she

mumbledagainstmychest.

“I’llfixit.”

“I’msosorry.”

“I’msorry,Ash.Ishouldhavewaited.”

“Whyislifesohard?”

“I’veaskedmyselfthatquestionmanytimes,andIstilldon’thaveananswer.ButIknowlifecanbe

justaseasyandwonderfulasisithard.We’retakingonedayatatime.”

“Justletmego.”

Shewantedtopassout,letthedarknesstakeherfromme,andsheneededtofightit.

“No.ItoldyouIwouldn’tletyougo.ItoldyouI’dbeyourlight,sofightitoff.I’mrighthere.”

“It’sjusteasierthisway.”

“IknowitisAshton,butit’snotthesolution.”

“Thereisnosolution.”

“Don’tsaythat.”Iranmyhandthroughherhair.“Stopgoingthere.”

“Mybodyistakingcareofme.”

Shewascompletelyrelaxedintome.

“Thereisnothingwrongwithyou,Ashton.”

“Everythingiswrongwithme.IhavegooddaysLincoln;Igetmyhopesup,andIdothingsthatI

neverthoughtI’deverdo.Itookyoutocounseling,Ishowedyoumyscars,andsharedsomeofmypast

with you. I actually think we could date despite my issues with sex, but then something happens.” She

looked away, almost as if she was a million lifetimes away from me and took a shuttering breath.

“Somethingalwayshappenstopushmebackdown,”shesaidsoftlyandslowly.

Inarrowedmyeyes,furiouswiththeDevilthatbrokeher.“Thenpushback.”

Shesighed,“I’mnotstrongenough.”

“Bullshit,”Igroundout.

She didn’t say anything so I gently pulled her head back so I could look into her eyes. “You are

strongenough.HowmanytimesdoIhavetotellyouthis?OrSuzanne?Oryourbrother?Youjusthaveto

fight,Ashton.Youhavetowanttogetbetter.”

“Ido,”shesniffed.

“Proveit,”Iblurtedout,notrealizingImighthurtherfeelings,butIneededtobehonestwithher.

“IknowNatalietoldyouwhatIdidaftermyfatherdied.HowItreatedmymotherandher,whatI

didtomyself.Iwasacompletemess.Iwasdrinking,smoking,andsnortinganythingIcouldfindupmy

nose.Iliedallthetime,stoleshitfromeveryone,anddidn’tcareaboutanyone,notevenmyself.Mysister

slowlystartedtopullmeoutandshowedmehowmuchtheylovedmeandtheynevergaveuponme.She

wouldn’tstophelpingorshowingmethatshelovedme.Sodon’ttellmeyouaren’tstrongenoughbecause

youare.Iknowwewentthroughdifferentexperiences,andwecan’tcomparethetwo,butifIcandoit,

thenyoucandoit.Mypastdoesn’thauntmelikeithauntsyou.Yes,Ihavemybaddays,butI’vegotmore

good ones that outweigh the shitty ones. I live for the good days. We were meant to find each other

Ashton,tobetogether.I’mheretohelpyou,toknowyouandstartalifewithyou.Afreshnewlife.”

Isawherblinkafewtimesbeforeshespokeagain.“Istilldon’tunderstand.”

Icuppedherfaceandplacedasoftkissonherlipsandwhispered,“Iloveyou,Ashton.”

“Youdo?”shewhisperedback.

I smiled and kissed her again. “I love the way you make me feel. When I’m with you, I feel like

myselfagain.Likenothingbadeverhappenedtome.WhenI’mwithyou,Isleep.Yousoothesomething

inside me. I love it when you get to a pivotal point in a movie and you scoot closer to the edge of the

couchandpullastrayhairoveryourshoulderandplaywithit.Ilovedthatsongyouplayedforme,and

I’mholdingonAsh,I’mholdingonuntilyouletgo.”

“Idon’twanttoletgo.”

“Thenopenyoureyes,yourheart,andsouluptomeandletmehealyou.”

Thistimeshekissedmeandafewminuteslater,Ihadtobreakawaybecausemylegwasn’tdoing

great.

“Canwemovetothecouchandthenpickupwhereweleftoff.”

“WillyoucallMikeandgetthechains?”sheasked,standingup.

“Yeahsweetheart,Iwill.”

Chapter22-Ashton-Afewweekslater

“I’mveryproudofyou,Ashton,”Suzannesaid,settinghernotepadandpendown.“You’realmost

there.”

“Whatdoyoumean,almost?”

She clasped her hands in her lap and gave me her full attention. “I’ve been telling you to do

somethingforyearsnow.”

“I’mnotdoingthat.”

SuzannelookedoveratLincoln.“We’vetalkedaboutitandcameupwithanidea.”

IswungmyheadtoLincolnwhohadhisleguponhercoffeetable.Itwasgettingbetterbuthestill

neededthepainmedicine,andofcourse,thecrutcheswhichmeantNataliedroveusheretodayandthat’s

alwaysfun.

“You’retalkingaboutmebehindmyback?”

“Foryourrecovery,”hereplied.

IstoodfromthecouchandpointedatSuzanne.“I’mdoinggreat!IfeellikeLincolnisputtingme

back together again, one little piece at a time, even though I think that analogy is pointless and sounds

stupid.Butthat’swhatLincolnsaysandIrespecthim,soI’mgoingwiththat.And,I’mtryingto,”Iused

myhandstomakeairquotes,“‘takethecurveintheroad’orwhatever,andgoadifferentpath.Apaththat

includeshim.”IswungmyarmtoLincoln.

“I’mnotdenyingthatnoramIactingliketheprogressyou’vemadeoverthelastfewweeksdoesn’t

count because it does. You’ve done amazing and I knew eventually you would, but you still have

somethingimportanttotakecareof.”

“WhydoIhavetodothat?”

Iwalkedaroundthebackofthecouchandraisedmyhandsabovemyhead.Doingthisbeforemy

panicattackshitmehashelpedalotlately.ItalsowarnsLincolnwhat’sabouttohappenandwecandeal

with it, together. He’s been great at talking me out of my panic attacks but I still slip away, and we all

knowIcan’tbecuredovernight.

Thedarknessstillwinssometimes,butatleastI’mfightingit.Finally.

And when I do slip away into the darkness and the painful silence it brings, I know Lincoln is

aroundsomewhereinthelight.Icanfeelhispresenceallaroundme.

He’smylightandmyhopeinthedarkness.

IlookedovermyshoulderatSuzanne.“Ikisshim,Suzanne.Onthelips!I’mmakingprogress,so

pleasedon’tmakemedothat.”

“I’mnotmakingyoudoanything.I’mtellingyouthisisgoingtopushyouovertheedge,butina

goodway.It’sgoingtobehard,andit’sgoingtohurt,butafterwardyou’llfeelbetter.It’llhelpyoumove

onandleavethepastwhereitbelongs,inthepast.”

“He’sdead!Dead!Dead!Dead!HowthehellcanIforgivetheDevilwhenhe’srottinginHell?”I

dropped my arms. “He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness. He kidnapped me. He held me hostage in a

concretecellforthreefuckingyears.Hebarelyfedme.AndwhenhethoughtIsmelledbad,he’dtossa

bucketoficecoldwateronme.HeneverspokeEnglishsoIneverknewwhathewaswhisperinginmy

earwhenherapedme.EventhoughIhadnosenseoftime,Iknowherapedmeeverydayforthreeyears.

Severaltimesaday!Hetookeverythingfromme.Especiallymyinnocence.Mybody.Hetookeverything

Iwasandruinedit.”IstoppedtotakeabreathandwhenSuzanneopenedhermouthtotalk,Iheldmyhand

up.Iwasn’tdone.“Hemutilatedme.Hecutmeuplikearagdoll,laughingasIscreamed.Hetookmyeye

without even a thought. He took my baby…” I choked on the words, but I knew I had to get it all out.

Takingadeepbreath,Itriedagain.“Hetookmybabyfromme,unapologeticallyandruthlessly.So,Iwill

never,ever,forgetit.So,enlightenme,Suzanne,whythefuckshouldIforgivehim?”

“Becauseofthis.”Shewavedherhandtowardsme.“Anger.”

“Hellyes,I’mangry!”

“Hedoesn’tdeserveyourforgivenessAshton,butyoudeserveit.Youdeservetomoveonwithyour

lifeandstoplivinginthepast.”

My breathing was very rigid and I held onto the couch to steady myself. I couldn’t even look at

Lincoln. I just told myself he wasn’t there. He stays silent a lot of the times and I think it’s because he

knows this is my space and time. He’s just there, waiting for me, supporting me, loving me

unconditionallyeventhoughIfeellikeIdon’tdeserveit.

“Theangeryouhaveinsideofyouisn’thealthyAshton,andforgivinghimwillbringyouthepeace

you’vebeenwanting.”

“Didyouforgivehim?”Isaidpointingtoherface.“Forthat?”

“Yes.Andheisn’tdead.”

Myracingheartskippedabeat.“Whereishe?”

“He’soutonparole.”

Myjawdropped.“Here?”

“No.He’sfaraway,anditdoesn’tbotherme.Heservedthetimethelawthoughtheneededtoserve

and I know he didn’t have a good time in prison.” She smirked. “Haven’t you ever heard the saying,

Karma’sabitch?”

“Ofcourse.”

“Wellthen,hegotwhathedeserved,andI’vemovedon.Ididn’twanttheangerandhurtinsideof

meanymore,Ashton.Itwillsuffocateyouandslowlydestroyyou.”

ShewasrightbutforgivinghimwassomethingItoldmyselfIwouldneverdo.

I’mafraiditwasgoingtomakemefeelweak,likeacoward.

I was afraid it would mean that what happened during those three years never happened. And it

happened.Allofithappened.

“Pretendhe’sme.”

MyeyeswentwideatLincoln’swords.

“PretendI’mhim,andforgivehim.”

“That’sstupid.”

“No, it’s not,” Suzanne said sitting forward in her chair. “I think it will help you, it will mean

somethingtoyouifyoucansayittoaliveperson.Itwillmeanmore.”

“Ican’tbelievethiscrap.”Iploppeddownonhercouchandbroughtmekneestomychest.

“Itwasmyidea,”Lincolnsaid.

“NowIfeelevenworse.”Idroppedmyforeheadtomykneesandthoughtaboutforgiveness.

One time, probably a year before I was kidnapped, Mike went to a party. Of course, I wasn’t

invited,butIsnuckoutandwentanyway.Hesawmerightawaydespitemyeffortsattryingtohidefrom

him.Heembarrassedmeinfrontofeveryoneatthepartywhenhedrugmeoutofthehouselikeachild

andtookmehome.Iwashumiliated.Ittookmeweekstoforgivehim.Everyoneknewwhathadhappened

even though he was in high school and I was in junior high. But after a few weeks, something else

happenedandmynewswasoldnews.Peopleforgotandmovedon,soIdecidedtoforgivemybrother.

Plus,hemadecookiesseveraltimesaweek,sothathelped.

TheDevilwasn’tinHellmakingmecookies,though.

Icouldonlyhopehehadbeensetonfireandrepeatedlyburneduntilhecouldn’ttakeitanymore.

Then, another match was lit, and because he was in Hell and it’s not like he could die again, he’d be

burnedagainandagain.He’djustsuffer,dayafterday,weekafterweek,foralleternity,justlikeIhad.

That’swhathedeserved.

Iwantedhimtofeelpain.

Iwantedhimtofearhislife.

Andjustknowinghecouldn’tdoanythingtomakethepainstop;that’swhatIwishedwashappening

tohim.

DoesforgivinghimmeanI’mnolongerincontrol?OrishestillcontrollingmebecauseI’mletting

fearandanxietyrunmylife?

Ijustdon’tknowanymore.

EverytimeIthinkI’mmakingsense,IrealizeI’mnot.

Iwasstillfightingawarwithinmyself.

AwarIwassotiredoffighting.

I’vebeentoldthissomanytimesovertheyears,andit’sslowlystartingtobecomearealityforme.

Iknowitneedstobedone.Deepdownthiscouldsetmefree.Itcouldputmeonthepathtorecovery.A

pathtohappiness.

HappinesswithLincoln.

Someonethatwantedtobemylight.Myrock.

Islowlyliftedmyheadupandtheywerebothlookingatme.“What?”

“Justgivingyoutime,”SuzannesaidandIrealizedshewasn’twriting.

“Whyaren’tyouwriting?”

“SometimesIwrite,sometimesIdon’t.”

“Youalwayswrite.”

Sheshruggedashoulder.

“IknowthisneedstobedoneSuzanne,IknowthatbutIjustcan’tgetthewordsout.”

“Whatifyouwroteitdown?”Lincolnasked.

IfeltbadfornotsittingbyhimlikeIwaspushinghimawayagain,butIwasn’t.So,Islidoverand

heliftedhisarmupandIscootedcloser.

I’venoticedthatsometimeshewearscologneandsometimeshedoesn’t.Thedayshedoesn’t,Iget

asofthintofhissoap.IpreferredthelightsmellofmintoverthecolognebutIhaven’ttoldhimthat.

“IguessIcouldwriteitdown,”Isaidtuckingapieceofhairbehindmyear.

Suzannepickedhernotebookupalongwiththepenandhandedittome.“Here.”

ItappedthepenonthepaperthenlookedtoLincolnandsawhisbrightblueeyesweresmilingat

me.“Yougotthis,”hesaidsoftly,givingmeasidehug.

Breathein.

Andout.

“You’restillholdingon?”Iaskedsoftlyandhenodded.“I’mholdingontosomethingI’llneverlet

goof.”

Totalswoon…thegirlssayinthebooksIread,butthisisreal.Lincolnwasarealman,withreal

feelingsandhewantedme.HeneedsmeasmuchasIneedhim.

Iturnedbacktotheblanknotepad.IwouldforgivehimbecauseIwantedarealrelationshipwith

Lincoln.Iwantedtobeabletogooutonadatethatincludesleavingmybuilding.Iwantedtogoshopping

for clothes, for Lincoln, though, because I’m not ready to change that. Even going for a walk would be

amazingoncehislegwasbetter.Thiswasbestformebutalsoforus.Iwantedtokeepmovingforward

withLincoln.

Ihateyou.

You’reasick,nastybastardwhodeservestorotinhellbutI’mtoldifIforgiveyouthatmaybe

I’dbefree.MaybeIcouldsetmyselffreebyleavingyoubehindwhereyoubelong.

So,Iforgiveyou.

ButIwillNEVERforget.

NEVER!

Now,leavemethefuckalone!

“Doyoumeanit?”Suzanneaskedafterreadingit.

“OfcourseIdo.He’sasickbastard.”

Sheheldthenotepadinherhand.“Heis.Butdoyoumeanit?”

“Ithink,”IsaidinmybestSuzanneimpersonationwhilecatchingmychin,“it’sastepintheright

direction.”

Shesetthenotebookonthetable.“Iguessmyworkhereisdone.”Andthenstoodwhichspikedmy

anxietyandhadmeonmyfeet.

“Excuseme?”

“Myworkhereisdone.”

“You’renotleavingme.”

“Ashton,”shesaidwithasmile,“I’dneverleaveyou.”ShereachedherarmsoutandIwenttoher.

“This is going to be the first day of your new life,” she whispered in my ear. “Don’t let yourself

down.”

Chapter23-Lincoln-Weekslater

“Iproposedtoyoursister.”

IwhippedmyheadNick’sway.Hewassittingonmycouch,farenoughawaysoIcouldn’treach

overandkillhim.“Excuseme?”

“Shesaidyes.”

“You’rejoking,right?”Istartedtoscootoverandhejumpedoffthecouch,hittinghiskneeonthe

coffeetable.IglancedatAshtonwhostoodinfrontofthewindowwithherbacktomeandherarmsup

overherhead.SheonlydoesthiswhenNatalieisaroundbecauseNataliewasalwaysstandingnexttoher

doingthesamething.SheneverletAshtonfeeluncomfortableoroutofplace,soit’shelpedAshtonopen

herselfupalittleanddecreasedheranxietyalittleeachday.

God,Ilovedthatwoman.

Ismiledthengotbacktotheproblemathand.

Nick.

I’mgoingtokillhim.

“Sitdown,”Ihissed,wishingmylegwasn’tbrokenandproppeduponthecoffeetablepreventing

myselffromkillinghim.

“Fuckthat.”Hesmirked.“Ifyoudon’thurrythisshitup,I’mgoingtofireyourass.”

I knew he was joking because the club wasn’t even open right now. It’s closed for renovations

becauseNickwassmartandtookNatalie’sadvicetogiveitamakeover.Ialsoknewhewouldn’tfireme

becauseIwasstillgettingpaidandsoweretherestoftheemployeesduringtherenovations.Eventhough

hewasanasssometimes,hewasagoodmanandtookcareofhisemployees.Withmyhelp,viaSkype,

we’ve hired some great people over the last few months, and Lili was kicking ass at her job with

Natalie’shelp.Shewasopeningalittlemoreandmakingsomegoodtips;apparently,peoplealsoliked

theshy,timidtypebutshewasalsoyoungandpretty.Imadesureourbouncerswalkedallthefemalestaff

totheirvehiclesormadesuretheygotintoataxiorUbersafelysinceIwasn’tthereanymoretodoit.

“Don’tchangethesubject.”IgroundoutwhileheflashedhiseyestoNatalie.Isawhimlookherup

anddownandthengavemehisattentionagain.“She’s…”

“…mysister.”

“She’savirgin,”hewhisperedandtookastepbackwhenIsprungoffthecouch.

“You'redead.”Igrabbedacrutchandtriedtohithimwithit,buthejumpedbackintothehallway.

“Good,godownthehallwaysoyouhavenowayofescaping.”HeglancedbehindhimandIgrabbedthe

other crutch and chased him into my room, where I shut the door, ignoring my mother yelling at us. He

jumpedonmybedanddodgedmyeveryattempttohithimwiththeendofthecrutch.

“Areyoufuckingstupid?”

“Iloveher.”

“Youproposedjustsoyoucouldgetherinbed!”

“No,Ididn’t,”hesaiddodginganothercrutchswipe.“Ifyou’renotcareful,I’mgoingtobreakaleg

andthenwe’llbothbeintrouble.”

“I’llbreakmorethanyourleg!”

“Lincolnman,thisisme.”

“Iknowallaboutyou!”

I tried and failed many times to hit him with a crutch and gave up. I sat down before I ended up

hurtingmyselfintheprocess.

“Listen to me,” Nick said, catching his breath, keeping his distance. “She’s special, she means

somethingtome.”

“It’stoosoon.”

Helaughedsohard,hegrabbedhisbelly.“You’rekidding,right?I’veknownherlongerthanyou’ve

knownAshton.”

“Youcan’tcomparethetwo.”

“Dude, they’re totally different women, I know that. But I’ve known Pipsqueak for a long time.

She’salwaysbeenspecialinherownway.TherewasalwayssomethingaboutherthatIliked,despiteme

teasingher.”

“Don’tcallherPipsqueak.”

“Shelovesit.”Hesmirked.“Irespectyou,Lincoln,we’relikebrothers,andnowI’mmarryingyour

sister. She thinks I’m worthy of her. Me! She wants me to be the guy. The one and only guy she’s ever

beenwith.That’sacomplimentorsomething,right?”

“Jesus,”Imuttered.“You’regoingtobreakherheart.”

“IfIdo,I’llfixit.”

Herarelyhadastone-coldfaceofseriousnessbecausehe’salwaysbeensolaidbackbuttoday,he

wasserious.

“I’veneverbeengoodwithdatingandgirls,butthistimeI’mgoingtogetitright.”

IlovedNicklikeabrotherbutneverthoughthe’dhavefeelingsformysister.Iranmyhandsthrough

myhairandgrippedthebackofmyhead.Iassumedfrompriorconversationsthattheyhadalreadybeen

sleepingtogether,butitmakesmeproudthatmysisterwaited.

“Youreallythinkyou’reready?”

“Fuckno,”hechuckled.“Areyou?”

“Yes,butAshtonisafewstepsbehindme.”

“Sheneedstotalktomemore.”

“Itoldhernottotalktoyou.”

“Nowwhythehellwouldyoudothat,”hejokedgettingbraveandcomingtositnexttomeonmy

bed,whichwasn’tmade.Ashtonstillwouldn’tsleepatmyhousewhichwasfinebecauseIwasalwaysat

herplacenowsomymomcouldusemyroom.Shewouldn’tleaveuntilIwaswalkingagain.Shealso

hadn’tintroducedustoherboyfriendbecauseshedidn’tthinkitwastimebutIfeltlikeitwasbecauseof

Ashton.

“Idon’twanttokillyou,Nick.”

“That’sgood,”hesaidslappingmygoodleg.“Don’twanttodiebeforemyweddingnight.”

Istood.“Don’tfuckingtalkaboutthatshit.”

Helaughedandfollowedmeoutoftheroom.“I’lltakecareofherman,trustthat.”

Iknewhewasagoodman,andhopedforNatalie’ssakehewasgoingtobethemanshedeserved.

Whenwegotbackintothelivingroom,Ashtonwasstillbythewindowbuthadherarmscrossed

onherchestandwemadeeyecontactrightaway.Shewaswaitingforme.Shehadthesameoutfitonlike

alwaysalongwithherglasses,buttodaysheletNataliedoherhair.Sheputsoftcurlsinitandherdark

hairhunghalfwaydownherback.

Mybeautifulsweet,Ashton.

Natalie came to stand next to her and wrapped an arm around Ashton’s shoulder. I waited for a

responsefromAshtonbutshedidnothing.Sheembracedit,andIcouldseeherstandingtaller,knowing

thatshewashealingandmovingon.Shewasproudofherselfandsheshouldbe.

Butshewasstillstuckonthisnormallifeshit.

Ashton’s session turned into couple’s therapy for us and it’s our new routine. She’s letting me in.

She’slettingmeloveher.

Tomorrow, though, we’ll be discussing the topic again. For some reason, when we are with

Suzanne,inthatroom,she’sopenandhonestwithme.Yes,wetalkbutshedoesn’tfullyopenherselfupto

me,butIknowshe’strying.IknowshefullytrustsSuzanneandIgettopushheralittlemoreintherapy

whichonlyhelpsusboth.

Iwasonlyincounselingforaboutayear,butit’sgoodtohaveitinmylifeagain.Eventhoughthe

focus is on Ashton and her recovery, we talk about mine. We talk about my past and what I had to

overcometobethepersonIamnow.IknowAshtonlovesme.Sheshowsmeeverydaybymakingthe

progresssheiseventhoughthewordshaven’tlefthermouth.Idon’tneedthewordstoknowsheloves

me.Shetellsmeinherownway,withoutthewords.

Ashtonsmiledatme,andNatalieyelled,“I’mgettingmarried!”

Iswungmyheadtomymomwhowasinthekitchenclappingherhandsandbouncingaroundlike

shealreadyknew.

“Mom?”

“Yes,dear?”

“Didyouknow?”

Shestoppedclappingandranherhandsonthesideofherhead,tofixherhaireventhoughthere

wasnothingwrongwithit.“Ofcourse.Nickaskedformypermission.”

“Andyousaidyes?”

Shesmirkedandpickedupastackofplates.“Comehelpmesetthetable.”

EverySundaynightwehaddinneratmyapartment.AndeverySunday,Ashtongotmoreandmore

relaxedandcomfortablewithMomandNick.Sheusuallykeptquietduringdinnerbutpriortodinner,she

andNataliewouldchatalone,infrontofthewindow.NataliemadeherlaughonafewoccasionsandI

triedtotakeapictureofthosetimes,buttheyalwaysturnedoutblurry.Herbrothercameafewtimesbut

hadbeensicklastweekandhewantedtomakesurehewasonehundredpercenthealthybeforejoiningus

again.HestarteddatingsomegirlthatmovedintothebuildingnexttooursandAshtonhasyettomeether.

Shewantedtowaituntilthey’dbeentogetherforafewmonthsbeforemeetingherandweallagreedit’d

beagoodideatoslowlyeaseherintoanotherchange.

My leg was healing though I didn’t want to push it. I was taking my time because I wanted to be

abletorunagainandIknewslowandsteadywouldgetmebacktowhereIneededtobe.

I missed running. I craved it, my body craved it, and I was going through withdrawals from not

beingabletofeedmyaddiction.IwaskeepingittogetherasbestasIcould.Ijusthadtoremindmyself

thatIwouldberunningagain,butIjusthadtowait.Inthemeantime,IwastryingtogetAshtontorunfor

me but she thought it was silly. I thought it’d help get that anger out of her but it was still a work in

progress.

Ashton’s mirror was still covered with my words, and she still hasn’t looked at herself, but she

wantedto.Shetriedafewtimesbutjustisn’treadytofaceherself.

Halfwaythroughdinner,shestartedrubbingherhandonmylegwhichtoldmeshewasstartingto

panic.Ididn’tknowwhyandthatalwaysbotheredmethemost.

Islippedmyhandintohersandsqueezeditafewtimes,soshecouldfocusonit.ItoldherI’dtryto

timemysqueezestothebeatofoursongsoshecouldclosehereyesandpretendshewaslisteningtoit.

Sometimesithelped,sometimesitdidn’t.

Ileanedoverandwhisperedinherear,“Holdon,Ash.Holdon.”

Shesqueezedmyhandagainandhelditforafewsecondsbeforesheletgo.Iatealittlefasterand

wewrappeddinnerup,andIgotherhomebeforeshehadapanicattack.

“Thankyou,”shesaid,headingdownthehallwayandoutofsight.Iwenttothefridgeandgrabbed

thepillsandwashedthemdownwithsomewater.Ineededtocalmthethrobbinginmylegandgetsome

sleep.

Iwishedshe’dopenherselfupmorewhenitwasjustus.

Iwantedhertrust,allofit.

Chapter24-Ashton

“I still can’t go to a movie or go shopping,” I said gripping the back of the couch while Suzanne

scribbledinhernotebook.“HewantsmetorunforhimandIcan’t.Hewantsmetolookinthemirrorand

Ican’t.Istilldon’tgoanywherewithoutmyglasses,notevenSundaydinners,eventhoughhismomand

Nataliehaveseenmyscars.Ijustcan’tbenormal!Idon’tknowhow!It's-”

“Stop!”Lincolnyelled,andIsnappedmymouthshut.He’sneveryelledlikethat.Ilookedat

SuzannewhowaseyeingLincoln,tryingtoreadhim.

“Ashton,”hesaidnotlookingatme.“Comehere.”

Istayedbehindthecouchandwonderedwhatwasgoingon.

He’sneverhadthistonewithme.

“PleaseAshton,comehere.”

IglancedbackatSuzannewhonoddedatme,encouragingmetogotohimwhichstillbotheredme

thatIsometimeswasn’tsurehowtothink.Istoodtallandslowlywalkedovertotheendofthecouchand

Lincolnreachedhishandoutforme.Hegesturedformetositdowninfrontofhimonthefloor.Ididn’t

wanttobutdiditanywaybecauseIknewIhadpissedhimoff.Ididn’tlikeitwhenhewasupsetbecause

hedidn’tdeservethat.He’sbeennothingbutkindandsupportingofmeandmywaysandIjustwanted

himtobehappy.Tobehappywithme.

Isatwithmylegscrossedrightinfrontofhim.Eyetoeye.EverydayIfeltmyselfgettingbraver,

gettingstronger,andIhadhimtothankforthat.Hedidthat.

We stared into each other’s eyes for a few minutes while we held hands and his eyes started to

smile.IfeltmyselfrelaxandItookabreathinandletitout,whilehecollectedhisthoughts.

“You’renotallowedtosaythewordnormaleveragain.”

Iknewwherethiswasgoing.

“I don’t care about a normal life,” he said, gripped my hands a little tighter. “I don’t even know

whatanormallifeis.”

Igavehimasmallsmile.

“Iwantalifewithyou,Ashton.Whateverthatis,whereverittakesus.Ijustwanttobewithyou.”

Hesqueezedmyhandandthelongestpartofhishairfellfreeatthesideofhisface.“Everythingelsewill

comewithtime.It’sonlybeenafewmonthssostopbeingsohardonyourself.Your recovery is going to

taketime,andI’mhereforyou.Rightbyyourside.”

It’sstillamazinghowniceheistome.Istilldidn’tgetit,butIwasn’tfightingitanymoreeither.I

wasjustlettingthingshappenandtryingtogowiththeflow.

Hewantsme.

JustthewayIam.

Iwasn’thealed,notyet;andI’mnotsurewhenandifthat’deverhappen.ButIwasgettingbetter.I

wasincontrolmorenowthanIeverwasbutinagoodway.Thepost-it-notesweregonefrommywalls

but not completely gone from my life. Lincoln always wrote you’re beautiful on some and would hide

themaroundtheapartment.Theyweren’tblackeither,alwaysarandomcolor.Ihadnoideawhenhedid

it.

ThemoreIheardit,andreadit,themoreIbelievedit.

Iwasbeautiful.

I’msorry,ImouthedandhebentforwardandIliftedmyselfuptomeethiskiss.

“Iwantalifewithyoualso,Lincoln,whateveritis,whereittakesus.”

“You’restillholdingon?”heaskedandnormallythatwasmyline,soIsaidhislineinstead.“I’m

holdingontosomethingI’llneverletgoof.”

Hesmiled.

“I’mstillunsteady,Lincoln.”

“I’mstillholdingon.”

God,weweresocheesybutthatsongwasoursong.

Forthemostpart,wewerehappy.Ihavemybaddays,alwayswill,butthosegooddaysweregood.

Sogood.Ihadsomanygoodmemoriesthattheystartedtowashoutthebadones.

“Idon’tlikeyourcologne,”Iblurtedoutthenslappedmyhandovermymouth.

“Really?”

Inodded.

“Iwon’twearitanymore.”

Idroppedmyhand.“Ilovethesmellofyoursoap.”

Hesmiledandraisedaneyebrow.“Mysoap?”

“It’snotasstrongandjustsmellsbetter.”

“I’llstopusingthecologne.”

WebothsmiledateachotherandIloveditwhenIcouldtalktohimaboutthesimplestuff.Thestuff

thatneedstobesaidinrelationshipstomakethemwork.Tomakethemmoveforward.

I still read the note I wrote to the Devil every Monday when we come to see Suzanne, and it’s

startingtosinkinandstaywithme.

Iwasstartingtoletthingsgo.

IwasstartingtoforgivehimsoIcouldbuildalifewithLincoln.

“This is so great!” Suzanne cheered behind me. I got up off the floor and grabbed my glasses

becauseIknewwewerecominguponourtime.

“Thingsaremovingalong,”Isaid,watchingSuzanneclosehernotebookandsetitdown.

“So,tellmemoreaboutthiswedding.”

“NatalieaskedmetobeherMaidofHonor.”

Shesatforwardinherchair.“You’llbeprettyinadress.”

“Notwearingadress.”

“Youhaveto.It’sawedding.”

“Itoldherno,”Iinformedhertappingmyglassesonmyleg.

“Whywouldyoudothat?”sheaskedshocked.

“Seriously,Suzanne.”

“I’mtheBestMan,”Lincolnspokeup.“Itonlymakessensethatyou’dbetheMaidofHonor.”

“Ican’tdoit.”

“Youhaven’teventhoughtaboutit,”Suzanneshotback.

“Don’thaveto.”

“Mysisterwouldn’thaveaskedifshethoughtyoucouldn’thandleit.”

Ishruggedashoulder.“Ourtimeisup.”

Ididn’twanttodiscussthisbecauseit’dtakeyearsbeforeIcouldeventhinkaboutdoingsomething

likethis.There’dbetoomanypeople,andI’dbeoutinpublic.MyheartpickedupitspaceandIhadto

pushthethoughtsawaytogetittoslowdown.

Suzannestoodandstraightenedherblackblouse.“You’reluckyIhaveanotherappointmentorI’d

makeyoustayandtalkaboutthis.”

Ismirkedandstoodalso.

“Butthereisalwaysnextweek.”

Shehadmethere.

###

LaterthateveningwewereinbedandIsnuggledintohissidelikealways.Hecouldonlysleepon

hisbackuntilhisleghealedmore.HerarelycomplainedaboutiteventhoughIknewitbotheredhim.

Everynight,I’dsitupandkisshimonthelipsbeforebedbutnotongue.IfeltlikeIwasatease

sometimesbutIhadneverkissedsomeonewiththetonguebeingpartofitandIwassonervous.Italked

toNatalieaboutitandshesaid,‘it’soneofthosethingsyoujusthavetogofor.’Shesaideveryonekisses

differentlyandthatIshouldfollowLincoln’slead.

ButIhaveyettodothat.

Hesaidhe’dwaitformebutitstillbotheredme.Istillworriedaboutit,everyday.

“Iloveyou,Ashton,”hesaidafterIpulledbackfromthekiss.

I always smile back at him, afraid to say those three words. I knew I loved him, but at the same

time,hecouldleaveme.Hecouldleaveatanyminuteandthenthosewordswouldbelostbutmyfeelings

wouldn’t.

Iwasjusttoodamnafraid.

“Whatareyouthinkingabout?”

“You,”Ireplied,notmovingsoIcouldseehisbeautifulblueeyes.Heputanarmbehindhishead,

liftinghimselfupalittlebit.

“Ilookgoodonyou.”

Ilaughed.

“Iknow,”hesaid,“thatwaslame.”

“Ilikedit,”Ireplied.

“Ilikeyou.”

“Ilikeyoutoo,Linc.”

He ran his other hand over my cheek and through my hair. He had the magic touch, to soothe me,

calm me, and make me feel beautiful. Sometimes I forget I have the scars and I never thought that was

possible.

“Natalie’shavingherweddingontherooftop.”

Iopenedmyeyes.“What?”

“Isuggestedit,shelovedit.”

“Whendidyouguystalkaboutit?”Iasked.

“Earlier,whenweweretexting,”hereplied,stillrunninghishandthroughmyhair,makingmefeel

beautiful.

“Oh.”

“Sogiveitsomemorethought,tothewholeMaidofHonorthing,please.It’sprobablyjustgoingto

beafewpeople.”

“IguessIcouldthinkaboutit.”

Hishandstoppedbehindmyheadandheheldmealittletighter,andIfocusedinonhislips.He

hasn’t shaved in a few weeks and a little beard was starting to show. I thought it made him even more

handsome,butIlikedhimnomatterwhat.

“You are so beautiful,” he said, and I melted into him. “You came out of the darkness, bold and

beautiful.Strongerthanever.Braverthanmost.”

God,thismanwaseverythingtome.

“Sodidyou,Linc.”

Withoutthinking,andkeepingmyeyesonhislips,Ipushedoffhischestandswungalegoverhim.

Hishandswenttomyhipsandminewereflatonhischest.

“Myheartbeatsfast,heavy,andstrongallthetime,forallthewrongreasons,butyouLincoln…”I

pausedtakingabreathbecauseIwasoutofmycomfortzoneandwantedthistogowellforthebothofus.

“YouLincoln,makemyheartbeatfast,heavy,andstrongforalltherightreasons.Ilikeitwhenyoudo

thattome,andyoudothatallthetime.Allyouhavetodoislookatme.”Hesmiledandhishandsonmy

hipsstartedtomove.“I’mgoingtokissyounow.”

Hechuckled.“Okay.”

“Withmytongue.”

Heraisedaneyebrow.“Really?”

“Yes.”

ButIdidn’tmove.Ijustsatthere,straddlinghim,feelingthesweatbuildupwheremyhandswere

onhischest.Feelingmyheartbeatfaster.Heavier.Strongerthanever.

Iwantthistohappen.

Ineededthistohappen.

Iwantedtomoveforward.

“Ashton,ifyouaren’treadywe-”

I moved so fast, I felt like I had fallen on him when our lips smashed together. I waited. I was

waitingtofollowhislead.

Heslowlymovedhislips,andIdidmybesttofollowhim.Slowlyourlipsparted,andIfeltthe

brieftouchofhistongueonmylips.

Itwasamazing.

Ipulledback.“Icandobetter.”

“Ashton.”

Islammedmylipsonhisbeforehecouldspeak.

Ijustwantedhimtokissme.

Ijustwantedtokisshim.

AndIdid.

I kissed him many times and he respected my boundaries and never tried to make me feel

uncomfortable.Hishandsneverroamedorwentwheretheyshouldn’t.

Herespectedmeonehundredpercent.

Healwaysdidrightbyme.

Hewasalwaysholdingon.

Ipulledbacktocatchmybreathbutstayedclosetohisface,andthoselips.

“Iloveyou,Lincoln,”Iwhispered,andwatchedhisworldchangethroughhiseyes.

“Iknowyoudo.”

“That’showyoureply?”Iaskedwhilehishandswereslowlymovingupanddownmyback.

“Areyouholdingon?”hewhispered.

“HoldingontosomethingI’llneverletgoof.”

Chapter25-Epilogue,6yearslater

“I’mgoingtokillyou!”IyelledatLincolnasthepaininmystomachrippedthroughme,makingme

screamagain.

“Yougotthis.”

Ihateitwhenhesaysthat.

“DoesitlooklikeI’vegotthis!?”

“A couple more pushes Ashton, and she’ll be out,” said Gary, Suzanne’s husband, who was in

betweenmylegswaitingformybabygirltobeborn.

“Ican’t,”Iwailedasanothercontractiontorethroughme.

IfIhadbeenbraveenoughtogivebirthatthehospital,I’dhavesomedrugsinme.Butno,notme,I

had to have a home birth with no fucking drugs. Suzanne had her hand on my shoulder and was

encouragingme.“You’restrongAshton,alwayshavebeen.”

“Shutup,”Ihissed.“Seriouslydon’tneedasessionrightnow!”

Shejustsmirkedatme,likeIdidn’tmeanitbutIdid.Itotallydid.

“Onemorepush,Ashtonoryou’llhavetogotothehospital,”Garysaid,andIsecretlyhatedhim

becauseheknewhowmuchIhatedthehospital.

“Don’tfuckwithme,Gary!”

“Thenpush,Ash,”Lincolnsaidinmyotherear.“Push.Push.Push.”

Itwasofficial,SuzanneandLincolnweregroundedandtheyweregoingtobeupsetwhenIdeny

themholdingmypreciousbabyintheirarms.

Natalie, Nick, Mike, and Mom were outside the house waiting because I didn’t want them all in

there.Itwouldhavebeentoomanypeople.NatalieandNickalreadyhadthreekids,andhismomwasre-

married.Mikehadalong-termgirlfriendandwaswaitingfortherighttimetoproposetoher.

Fouryearsago,LincolnandImovedabouttwentyminutesoutsideofthecitybecausehewasdone

withthebarsceneandwewantedtostartafamily.Mikeinvestedmyparents’lifeinsurancemoneyandI

hadenoughtoliveonfortherestofourlives,butLincolnstillwantedtoworkandprovideforourfamily.

Hewentbacktocollegeforanursingdegreeandgraduatedlastyear.HeplanstoworkparttimebutI’d

ratherhebehomeallthetimebecauseImightnotbeabletohandlebeingalonewithababy.Itwasstill

upfordiscussion.

Thesecondbreaktohisleglefthimwithaslightlimpbuthestillran.Healsogotmerunningonce

wewerealoneonoursmallpropertyandIwishedIhaddoneitsooner.Ithelpsmysoulbefree.

Istillhadissues.

Notmany,butstill,theywerethere.Ifoughtthroughthemallthetime,butourlifewasgreat.We

weregreattogether.

Suzanne came to us on Mondays now because she only worked three days a week since she got

marriedandhadkidsofherown.

Kids.Mybaby.

Iwasabouttobeamom.

Again.

I gripped my legs and pushed with everything I had as the contraction tore me apart. I fell

backward,completelyexhausted,tryingtocatchmybreath.

Lincolnhadtearsinhiseyes.“Youdidit,”hesaidthendisappearedbutIknewitwasbecausehe

wasgoingtobewithourgirl.

Ifocusedontheceiling.

Ifocusedonmybreathingwhileeverythingwentsilent.

Ijustgavebirthtoababygirl.Igotasecondchanceatbeingamom.Iwouldn’tmessthisup.

Iwasamom.

IwastoldallthoseyearsagothatI’dneverbeabletohavekidsbecauseofthescartissuetheDevil

leftinsideofme.ItoldLincolnthattryingtogetpregnantwasawasteoftime.Itoldhimnottogethis

hopesup,butlastyear,afewmonthsafterwestartedtrying,Iwaspregnant.Ittookafewweeksformeto

fullygrasptherealityofbeingpregnantandwhenIfoundoutitwasagirl,Ilostit.Icompletelylostit.

AllIcouldthinkaboutwaswhathappenedtome,andthatIdidn’twantthattohappentoher.

ButLincolntoldmehe’dprotecther,justlikeheprotectsme.

Ilovedhimmorethanmyself.

Hetookcareofmysoul.

Hetookcareofmyheart.

Butmostofall,hetakescareofus.

Hewaitedforme,andthat’sthetruesignoflove.

Hewaited.

Heknewit’dallworkout.

Wegotmarriedtwodaysago.ItwasaMonday,andSuzannehadbeenbringingthemarriagelicense

with her every time she came, just in case. She’d been ordained online and waited for the moment to

happen.

Iheardmybabyscreaming,thenLincoln’skindwordscalmingherdown.Afewminuteslater,he

handedmeourbabygirl.

“HopeNatalieWalker,wouldliketomeethermom.”Shewassobeautiful,Istartedtocry.

I’veneverfeltthiskindoflovebefore.I’veneverbeensofulloflovethatIfeltlikeIwouldburst

open.I’ddoanythingforher.I’ddoanythingforLincoln,forourfamily.

Ilookedupathim,andheleaneddowntokissme.

“Thank you,” we both said at the same time. Our love was unexpected, but it came at the perfect

time.

NOmeansNO!

RapeisNOTokay.AnytimeyoutellsomeoneNOandtheycontinue,it’sNOTokay.

Ifanyoneneedshelporsupport,pleasereachouttosomeoneforhelp.Youcancontactmeifyou’d

like,orvisitthiswebsite:https://www.rainn.org/

Thanksforreading,pleasedon’tforgettoleaveareview!

AllaboutAloraKate

AloraKate–PenName

TherearemanyreasonswhyshechoosestouseaPenName.Shebattledwiththeideabutintheend,it’sadedication.AloraKateis

adedicationtosomeonespecialwholeftthisworldwaytoosoon.

Shelovestoshareherimaginationandstoriesandonlyhopesyou

allenjoythemasmuchasshelovestowritethem.

She’sasinglemomofafive-year-oldboyandafull-timecollegestudentstudyingphotographyandgraphicdesign.

Conne ctwithAlora

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OtherSeriesbyAloraKate

TheFourSeasonsSeries

TheAsterLakeSeries

StandalonesbyAloraKate

ThePriceWePay

Document Outline

Chapter 1 - Lincoln
Chapter 2 - Ashton
Chapter 3 - Lincoln
Chapter 4 - Ashton
Chapter 5 - Lincoln
Chapter 6 - Ashton
Chapter 7 - Ashton
Chapter 8 - Ashton
Chapter 9 - Ashton
Chapter 10 - Ashton
Chapter 11 - Lincoln
Chapter 12 - Ashton
Chapter 13 - Lincoln
Chapter 14 - Lincoln
Chapter 15 - Ashton
Chapter 16 – Ashton
Chapter 17 - Lincoln
Chapter 18 - Ashton
Chapter 19 - Ashton
Chapter 20 - Lincoln
Chapter 21 - Ashton
Chapter 22 - Ashton - A few weeks later
Chapter 23 - Lincoln - Weeks later
Chapter 24 - Ashton
Chapter 25 - Epilogue, 6 years later

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