1 

 

Author: ScarlettLetters

Bella decides that it's time to find out who she really is and that means stepping out of her privileged life as a

Cullen and taking flight on her own. Can different paths lead two people to the same destination? AH

Rated: M - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 12 - - Updated: 9-22-09 - Published: 4-5-09 - Bella & Edward

WILD SWANS

I looked in my heart while the wild swans went over.

And what did I see I had not seen before?

Only a question less or a question more;

Nothing to match the flight of wild birds flying.

Tiresome heart, forever living and dying,

House without air, I leave you and lock your door.

Wild swans, come over the town, come over

The town again, trailing your legs and crying!

~Edna St. Vincent Millay~

PROLOGUE

I placed my key card on the entry table and grabbed the handle of my satchel. My eyes locked on his as he held
the doors open for me.

“Be safe.”

His voice was empty and flat. I knew he meant it, but the last year and a half had been draining for both of us.

I couldn't manage any words. I was all talked out. I closed my eyes and gave him a slight nod in
acknowledgment as I stepped into the waiting elevator. I didn't look up as the heavy doors slid closed and I
began my descent. I was surprised I didn't feel more pain, but then again, my heart was so numb I doubted
much could make me feel anything now.

My heels clicked through the lobby, and I managed to give Dre a small smile as he held open the door and blew
his whistle to bring a cab speeding up to the curb.

2 

 

“You sure you couldn't be the one to stay?” he asked in his deep baritone voice that always made my insides
rumble.

A small laugh slipped from my lips.

“I'm sure, but thank you.” I tried not to tear up at the sight of his wonderful smile. “For everything.”

“Good luck, Mrs. Cul– I mean Ms. Swan.” He leaned into the cab and told the driver my destination. Tipping his
cap he closed the door and tapped the roof. I looked out the window as crowded downtown Chicago streets
turned into a fast moving interstate.

“Work trip?” the cabbie asked breaking the silence and dragging me from the errant thoughts that had kept me
in my own private world.

“No...something else.”

“Where are you headed?” he asked, confused with my answer.

“That's a very good question,” I mumbled.

He shook his head in what I could only assume was annoyance at my vague responses. This anonymous man
was the least of my worries. Everyone I knew and loved wondered the same thing and were just as annoyed
with me, if not more. I had no answers for any of them...for

him

. I just knew this was no longer where I

belonged.

Chapter 1

Six months earlier...January 2008

“Bella?”

My assistant's voice came through the speaker of my phone.

“Yes, Seth?”

“Edward is on line one.”

I could hear the frustration in his voice. His interactions with Edward were always brief and usually ended with
Seth feeling slighted.

“Thanks.” I reached over to pick up the receiver and pressed the flashing button to connect me to Edward.
“Hello?”

“Bella.” His voice sounded hurried.

“Yes?” I rolled my eyes. Why could he never return a greeting?

“I just wanted to let you know that I won't be home. A donor was found for one of our heart/lung patients, and
I'm assisting in the harvesting. I'm flying to Texas in the next few minutes and will be in on the transplant once

3 

 

we get back.”

“Oh, OK. Well, good luck?” I never knew what to say at times like these. I knew what an opportunity this was
for Edward, but some poor family just lost a loved one. I only ever heard the clinical nature of the situation in
Edward's voice, never any emotion.

“I need to go; the plane is waiting for me.”

And with that he ended the call. I sighed and replaced the receiver.

I spun around in my office chair and stared out over the darkening Chicago skyline. As I spun my wedding rings
around my finger I swallowed back the thought that I had never felt so alone in my life. A light knock on the door
made me turn and look up to see Seth poking his head in.

“Good night, Bella. Have a good weekend, OK?”

“You too, Seth.”

“Don't stay too late. Go do something fun.” His gentle smile saddened me. I knew he meant it with kindness, but
it made my lack of plans that much more poignant, and I had only myself to blame.

“Go on, get out of here. Enjoy the fact that you actually have a life,” I joked. Humor was my last layer of defense
and one I had been employing more frequently as of late.

I ended up working a few more hours and packed up my things when I heard the cleaning crew come to our end
of the floor. There was no need for me to be in their way. I bid them a silent goodnight and made my way to the
bank of elevators. Exhaustion settled in as I rode to the ground floor. I walked across the deserted lobby and
nodded to the security guard at the desk as I exited to the sparsely populated Michigan Avenue sidewalk. The
wind from the lake was cold as it quickly worked its way to my bones, making me clutch my heavy wool coat
closer around me. I walked the five blocks to our building and made it up to our condo without having to speak
to a single soul. I didn't bother turning on any lights as I made my way to the master bedroom, dropping my coat
and bag into the chaise and quickly stripping down to my bare skin. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into
our giant bed and sleep, and that is exactly what I did.

When I woke up Saturday, I was alone, but this was not a new experience for me. I woke up alone far more
often than I woke up with Edward and to be honest I preferred it this way. I swung my feet over the bed and
onto the floor and dragged myself to the bathroom where my robe was waiting for me on the warming rack, just
like it was every day. I often thought about hiding it somewhere to see if Olga would find it. Something tells me
she would and that it would be waiting for me the next morning. I washed the day-old makeup off my face and
pressed the button to turn the shower on to my setting. I wasted little time in the shower, pulled on some yoga
pants and a tank top, and threw my long, damp hair up in a clip.

I padded barefoot through my giant, empty home.

Home

. That word no longer had a warm connotation for me.

We had lived here for six years, and I still felt like I was a visitor. I never understood why two people would need
a six thousand square foot condo, but I guess when your last name is Cullen, living on the top floor of The
Fordham is to be expected.

I just never expected I would be a Cullen.

~*~

4 

 

August 1995

“

Well, Bells, I guess this is it.”

I nodded my head and bit my bottom lip as I looked up into my father's eyes.

“

I guess so. Thanks again for driving me, Dad.”

“

Sure, kid. I had fun,” he said, shuffling from foot to foot. “Well, I better head out.”

I walked up to Charlie and threw my arms around him. We weren't big on physical affection, but I knew I

wouldn't see him for almost a year as I would be going to Florida for Christmas with my mom and her husband,

Phil. Charlie wrapped his strong arms around me, and I felt him place a small kiss on the top of my head.

“

I'm proud of you, Isabella,” he whispered into my hair.

I blinked back tears. I knew he was proud of the scholarship I had received to the University of Wisconsin, but

hearing it made all the difference.

“

Thanks, Dad. I love you.”

I heard him sniff back some tears of his own as he pulled away and ruffled my hair.

“

Stay focused, OK? Remember the pepper spray. Call me if you need more.”

I let out a small chuckle. Always the cop.

“

Sure, Dad. I will.”

He climbed into his truck and gave me a wink as he pulled away from the curb. I turned around to look at my

giant stone dorm and watched the other parents who were busy dropping off their own daughters. One of the

things Charlie had insisted on was that I stay in an all-female dorm, so my home for the next year was to be

Elizabeth Waters Hall. I made my way up to my 2nd floor room and sat to wait for my roommate, Rosalie Hale.

I had received a notice from the school with her name and address and had written her a letter, but I never

heard back from her. I really wanted to start unpacking, but I didn't want to choose the side of the room Rosalie

might want and have her start off our relationship hating me. I sat on one of the wooden desk chairs, pulled out

my Walkman, and pressed play to let Better Than Ezra ease my nerves. I must have laid my head down on the

desk and fallen asleep, because I woke up to a tap on my shoulder and a pool of drool on the desk. I turned to

see a statuesque blond staring down at me with a smirk plastered on her face. God, kill me now.

Sitting up, I pulled my headphones off and smiled meekly at the glamazon.

“

Hi, you must be Rosalie.” I yawned and quickly covered my mouth in utter embarrassment.

“

I am and that makes you Isabella, right?”

“

Just Bella.” I nodded and tried in vain to think of something else to say. Can you say awkward? “Um, sorry for

falling asleep. We had a long drive and...”

5 

 

“

Why didn't you lay down on a bed?”

“

Sorry?”

“

Don't you usually sleep in a bed?” She arched a perfectly shaped eyebrow in my direction.

“

Um, well...ye..yes, but I didn't want to pick a side until, um, you got here.”

I watched as her face took on a puzzled look. “You waited for me?”

“

Mm-hmm. I just thought you might want a particular side, and I didn't want to, uh, take it.”

“

Hmm...well, thanks. That was really nice of you, Bella.”

I couldn't stop the traitorous blush that spread across my cheeks.

“

Well, in that case, I'll take the bed by the window. It will make Emmett sneaking in here so much easier.” She

walked over and sat down on it, bouncing gently up and down.

“

Em-Emmett?”

“

Yeah, my boyfriend. He's a sophomore here. He's living in The Lodge this year, but there's no way I'm staying

the night with those tools. He's just going to have to scale his way into The Vault. You don't mind, do you?”

“

Um, if your boyfriend stays here overnight? Uh...I guess not, I mean, um...”

Rosalie let out a laugh. “Don't worry, Bella. It won't be all the time, and I promise we won't— you know— with

you here.”

I felt the damn blush come back as I pondered something Rosalie said. “What's The Vault?”

“

This is. Liz Waters is totally called "The Virgin Vault". It's been that way forever, but Jones women have always

stayed their freshman year here, so...here I am.”

“

I thought your last name was Hale?”

“

Oh, it is, but my mom's family has gone here for generations, just like my dad's, so yeah, I'm a double legacy.

So is Emmett and his brother, Edward. Edward is a freshman this year, too. Actually that's how our moms met.

Esme, their mom, was my mom's freshman dorm mate and then sister at A Chi O, which I'm rushing. Are you

rushing?”

“

Um, you mean a sorority? Oh, no...I don't think I'm the sorority type.”

“

Sorority type?”

I could hear the confrontational tone in her voice.

“

Oh, no, no, I only meant, um, I'm a nobody. Who'd want me?”

She focused her violet eyes on me, and it felt like she was looking into my soul. “You're not a 'nobody'.”

6 

 

I lowered my eyes and heard her get up and walk to the closet.

“

God, these things are so small. Yikes. Hey, let's unpack and then go get something to eat. We can walk over to

Memorial Union.”

“

Um, don't you want to see your boyfriend?”

“

Oh, he'll find me,” she said with a dismissive wave as she began to unpack her bags upon bags of clothes.

I could tell Rosalie had never had to chase a boy in her life. I'm sure this Emmett was as captivated by her as I

was.

It only took me a few minutes to put away my meager belongings and try to convince Rosalie a shopping trip for

more clothes was not necessary. We walked toward Memorial Union, and I took in the beauty of the Madison

campus. The old brick buildings, the large lawns with students laying in the sun or throwing a football— it was

the college environment I had always envisioned. Rosalie led us into Memorial Union and down to Der

Rathskeller with an expertise that alluded to familiarity. I could smell the food and my stomach rumbled with a

hunger I hadn't realized I possessed.

We grabbed our food and headed out to the terrace overlooking Lake Mendota to eat. We talked about our

backgrounds, and I was surprised to find that Rosalie seemed truly interested in what I had to say. I didn't have

any idea why someone of her beauty and obvious breeding would want anything to do with someone like me,

but I was happy that we seemed to be getting along well enough to be roommates. Just as I was telling her

about Forks, a booming voice startled me.

“

ROSIE!!”

I whipped around to see one of the largest human beings I had ever seen in person. A blur of shining blue eyes

and a mop of curly brown hair swept Rosalie up in his arms and kissed her passionately, and I felt my

ever-present blush climb up my neck and cover my cheeks at their display.

“

I missed you, babe,” he breathed when their lips parted.

“

It's only been a few hours, you big doofus,” she laughed giving him a smack on his chest. “Now put me down

and meet my roommate, Bella Swan.”

He kept his arms wrapped tightly around her and turned to look at me. His face broke into an amazing dimpled

grin.

“

Bella!” He let go of Rose and then pulled me up out of my seat to wrap me in a bear hug. “Good to meet ya.”

As I struggled for breath I saw Rosalie give Emmett a whack on the back of the head.

“Let her go, you fool, and sit down. Lord, you act like you've never met someone before.”

“

Well I've never met your first college roommate before, Rosie, so I'm a little excited. Maybe you and Bella will

be like mom and Lillian.”

Rosalie looked at me quickly and gave me a brief smile. “Maybe. So,” she sighed, “where's Wonder-Boy?”

7 

 

“

He called like a half hour ago saying he was leaving the house.”

Rosalie rolled her eyes and gave a small snort. She caught my eye and could see I had no idea what they were

talking about.

“

Sorry, Bella. Emmett's brother has decided that staying on campus is beneath him and is going to live at their

parents' lake house in Monona. God forbid 'the maestro' be bothered with normality of dorm life.”

“

Aw, Rosie, give the kid a break. You know this is how he's always been. He's a good guy, Bella, he's just a loner.

Speaking of...”

I looked up to see Emmett waving his arms above his head. I turned to see who he was motioning to, and I felt

all the air leave my body as my eyes took in the most beautiful pair of emerald eyes I had ever seen in my life.

~*~

A wasted Saturday afternoon turned into a wasted Saturday night, and I still hadn't heard from Edward. I made
myself a small salad for dinner and picked at it as I flipped through countless TV channels, not finding a single
thing to watch. I thought about calling Rosalie to see if she had plans, but I would be seeing them tomorrow for
dinner, the same with Alice, and besides, I figured they were enjoying a Saturday night with their husbands. I
felt the bitterness creep back into my heart. I honestly didn't remember the last Saturday night that Edward and
I had just enjoyed each others' company. Whenever we went out now it was always to some Union League
event or something to do with the hospital.

I let out a deep sigh and walked to the bar in the next room. It was fully stocked with only the finest liquors, but
I went to the wine fridge to pull out a bottle of my favorite Pinot Grigio. I poured a glass, placed the bottle in an
ice bucket, and headed to my bathroom to start a bath. No matter how much I resented this damn condo, I did
love my giant whirlpool bathtub. It could fit two adults easily, something Edward and I used to take great
advantage of, but now I was the only one who enjoyed the amenity. Walking back into the bedroom, I turned
on the stereo system and queued up the playlist I had created for relaxing. Madeline Peyroux's silky voice filled
the room as I settled into the steaming, swirling water, resting my head on the padded edge. I let the wine take
me back to my earlier memories.

~*~

All of the air around me seemed to disappear as he walked toward our table. The sun was shining on his mop

of bronze hair, and I was mesmerized by the gold, red, and brown sparkles that emanated from it. He was the

most beautiful person I had ever seen in my life. I vaguely heard voices around me, but I couldn't do anything

other than stare at him as he came to our table and pulled out a chair. He poured his long frame into one of the

chairs and grabbed one of Rosalie's fries. I saw her slap his hand and gesture toward me. I was still staring.

“

Bella? Bella...”

“

Huh? Oh...um, yeah, sorry...I...” I was mortified. I'm sure this model gorgeous boy had girls drooling over him

all the time and here I was, some nobody from Forks, Washington, and I was stunned stupid.

“

Bella, this is Edward Cullen. Edward, this is my roommate Bella Swan.” Rosalie hid a smirk as she introduced us,

obviously understanding the reason for my earlier idiocy.

8 

 

“

H..hi,” I stammered.

God, he was beautiful.

He looked at me for the first time and the light that seemed to glow from his emerald eyes dimmed as his brows

knit together. Several silent moments passed as he stared at me before he hurriedly rose from his chair.

“

Yeah, hi. Um, I gotta go. I'll see you tonight at The Lodge, Em.”

With that he turned and fled the table. I was stunned. I couldn't believe I offended him so badly he needed to

leave. I was humiliated.

“

I'm sorry. I don't know...um, I didn't mean...”

“

Don't worry about it, kid. Edward has always marched to the beat of his own drummer,” Emmett laughed.

“

Yeah, Bella. Who knows what crawled up his butt this time. It's hard to keep up with what goes on in that brain

of his.”

We finished up our lunch, and I tried to forget what had happened with Edward, but that was hard to do. There

was something about him that was so captivating. Emmett and Rosalie were making plans to meet at Emmett's

fraternity house for a party when they both turned to me with questioning eyes.

“

What?” I asked, confused.

“

You're coming with Rosie tonight, right Bella-boo?”

I chuckled at Emmett's comfortable style, but I didn't think a fraternity party my first night on campus was really

what Charlie had in mind for me.

“

Oh, no. You two have fun. I'll just finish getting unpacked and will read a book or something.”

“

Nonsense. She's coming. We'll see you around 9 o'clock, babe.”

Rosalie's statement left little room for argument, and I could tell she was not accustomed to being told no.

“

Awesome! It will be cool, Jelly Belly. You'll see. OK, beautiful ladies. I'm off to go help set up for this shindig.

Catch you later, Rosie baby.” Emmett grabbed her into a huge bear hug and kissed her passionately. Rose

giggled and playfully slapped at his back, but you could tell she adored the attention from him.

Emmett donned his beat up cap with a red “W” on it and waved as he jogged away.

“

Come on, Bella. We have a party to get ready for, and I'll need some time to work on you.”

Her statement took me by surprise as I was sure my face registered. Laughing, she grabbed my hand and

dragged me back to our room.

What seemed like hours later, we left our dorm for the walk to The Lodge. The only thing I was wearing that was

mine was my bra and underwear. Rosalie officially announced my wardrobe unsuitable for socializing and the

jury was still out on whether it was usable for class. I was teetering on the lowest pair of heels she owned, but

they still felt like stilts to me. She had spiral curled my hair and done my makeup, and I actually really liked it.

I never had the time or desire to spend that much time on my hair or makeup, but she seemed to really enjoy

9 

 

it.

During our “Project Beautify Bella” she told me all about growing up with the Cullen brothers and how they had

a little sister, Alice, who was five years younger than she and Edward. Their parents were best friends and did

everything together. Rose's dad was an attorney at his family's law practice, and Rosalie was going to go pre-law

to work there after Harvard law school, where she would be a legacy as well. It was expected. Just like Edward

was supposed to be a doctor and Emmett an architect. Mrs. Cullen's family was one of the original builders of

Chicago; Masen and McCarty had been in operation for over a hundred years. Mr. Cullen was a top

cardiovascular surgeon, and his family had been physicians in Chicago just as long as Mrs. Cullen's family had

been building it. It boggled my mind to have that kind of expectation and pressure put on a bunch of kids, but

Rosalie stated the situation so plainly that it was clear the Hale and Cullen children knew exactly what they were

to do and did not question it. I had earned my general scholarship and had no idea what I was going to major

in, maybe English or journalism or maybe something completely different. I had two years until I had to declare

my major, and I wasn't going to be in a hurry.

We walked down the lit path toward a giant stone mansion. I felt a shiver go through my whole body as we

approached what Rosalie told me was The Lodge. It was an imposing structure that made me think back to

every scary black and white movie I had ever seen.

“

Are you sure there is a party? It seems kind of deserted.”

“

There's a party.”

Rosalie knocked three times and a small window in the door opened up. She waved at the

person looking out at us and the heavy oak door swung open to reveal a boy about our age sitting on a stool in

a quiet foyer. I could hear some noise coming from the back of the house and assumed that was where the party

was.

“

Hey Rosalie. Who's this?”

“

Bella, this is Trey. Trey, my roommate Bella.”

“

Helllllooooo, Bella.” He said grabbing my hand and placing a kiss on the top of it. “Peter Bevins the 3rd, but you

can call me 'Trey', and I do hope you call. Welcome to The Lodge.”

Trey winked at me and I felt my entire body blush as Rose rolled her eyes and grabbed my hand back for me.

She walked me past a grand staircase and opened a pair of heavy doors, and we were whisked into the party by

Emmett who must have been waiting for our arrival.

I took a sip from the red plastic cup that was placed in my hand. It was a sugary sweet concoction, but I knew

there had to be a ton of alcohol in it if I couldn't taste it. Emmett took us over to a bunch of guys and made

introductions, but I forgot their names as soon as I heard them. It seemed like a fairly normal party, and as such

I was pretty sure that frat parties would never be my thing, but The Lodge was a really cool old house, so I sat

my cup down and slipped away to explore. I found myself wandering aimlessly down a hall when I heard the

sound of a piano. I came to a pair of pocket doors and saw light coming from a small gap between them. As I

peeked through I saw a shock of bronze hair bent over the keys of a concert grand piano. It was Edward Cullen,

and he was playing beautifully. Without realizing it, I leaned on one of the doors to listen and my weight forced

it to slide open. Losing my balance on the stupid heels Rosalie made me wear, I fell flat on my ass.

Edward turned around and pinned me with an angry glare.

“

I am so sorry, Edward. I...”

10 

 

He brushed his hands through his hair as he got up and walked toward me.

“

Are you alright?”

God, his voice was like black velvet.

I tried to get up, but my heel slipped on the polished wood floor, and I ended up back on my butt.

I looked up expecting to see his beautiful face filled with disdain, but he looked like he was holding back a laugh.

He held out his hand to help me up. I slowly reached for him and when our hands touched I felt a shock go

through my arm and down my body. I gasped loudly. I began to move my hand back, but Edward held on

tighter. He pulled me to my feet and brought me to his chest. Even with the heels on he was still inches taller

than I was. Looking up into his verdant eyes I felt something pass between us that I had no words to describe.

From that moment on, Edward Cullen and I were rarely apart.

~*~

I have no idea how long I soaked in the bath, but as I was reaching for the bottle to pour the last of the wine
into my glass I saw Edward leaning against the stone counter of the vanity.

“When did you get home?” I inquired after taking a long drink from my glass.

“A few minutes ago. I didn't want to bother you.”

His voice was thick with exhaustion.

“How did everything go?”

He rubbed his hands through his already unruly hair and let out a deep sigh.

“Well. It's been a long couple of days, but he's doing well.”

Edward never told me any specifics regarding his patients. He kept their identities and details of their treatment
as vague as possible. When we were younger he would come up with silly names and tell me the things he had
done with such excitement. I couldn't recall that last time he had done that.

We stared at each other for a few silent minutes. I could see his eyes rake over my body, and at this point in our
marriage I felt no shame or embarrassment in my nudity. A small part of me longed for him to take his clothes
off and join me in the bath, to feel connected to him again—hell to feel a physical connection with any human
being at all. I wanted him to show even the least bit of interest, but I knew he wouldn't—that he didn't feel the
same anymore.

I had waited long enough for something to change. It was finally time.

~*~

January 2007

I sat in the dark sitting room with only the lights of the city shining in through the windows. I heard the ancient

11 

 

brass clock on the mantle chime one bell. Edward was still not home. It had been three days since I saw him last.

He had left for his shift at the hospital, and I had only received two texts from him alerting me that he would not

be coming home soon. I had finished my bottle of La Crema Chardonnay and was standing to get another bottle

when I heard the elevator doors slide open and Edward's heavy steps cross the marble floor. He saw my form

in the dark room and was startled.

“

Fuck, Bella! What are you doing?”

The irritation and sleep deprivation was unmistakable in his voice. I wondered when the last time he had gotten

any rest was.

“

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I couldn't sleep.”

“

And I suppose that's my fault, right? What, I didn't call you enough? I'm

so

sorry, Bella, I was up to my arms

in the guts of a 15 year-old who was shot in a drive-by while playing basketball and couldn't get to a phone.

Please do forgive me, I know how upset you get when I'm not here to bitch and complain to.”

The snide bite of his comment was not a surprise yet it still cut right through me. His tone with me recently had

been constantly layered with irritation and thinly veiled disgust. I had reached my limit. I hadn't planned on

saying these words tonight, but I couldn't stop myself as they tumbled from my lips.

“

I'm done, Edward, I want a divorce.”

He threw his bag against the wall and stomped over to me. His hands grabbed me roughly around my upper

arms and he pulled me to his body in his forceful grasp.

“

That's fucking perfect, Bella,” he spat. “I spend three days on my feet trying to save lives, cutting and sewing

bits of mothers and children back together and when I come home to get some fucking sleep, my bored,

pampered wife tells me she wants a divorce. Are you out of your fucking mind? We're not getting divorced. You

made a vow and by God you are going to keep it.”

He shoved me away from him and ran his hands through his already disheveled hair.

“

You have great timing, honey. Just fucking great. You know what? I'm exhausted and I'm going to bed. You can

have your little breakdown by yourself, but you better pull your shit together before dinner with the family

tomorrow. You're my wife, you're a Cullen, and that's not going to change.”

His reaction didn't surprise me; I knew this wouldn't be easy. In fact it would be the hardest thing I'd ever done,

but I wasn't backing down. I had given this so much thought. Edward was no longer the man I fell in love with.

I didn't know when the change had occurred. It most likely progressed over the years, but now the man before

me had a vague resemblance to my beautiful bronze haired boy.

“

I'm sorry for the timing of this, Edward, but I'm not backing down. I've compromised every aspect of my life to

be a Cullen, and I can't do it anymore.”

"The only reason you have a life is because you're a Cullen, you ungrateful..."

Even in the dark I could see his emerald eyes boring into me. I was familiar with his anger; he was always angry

about everything so I knew this would be no different, but his cruelty hurt. His lip raised in a snarl and he turned

to go to our bedroom without finishing his thought. I settled on the sofa and pulled a cashmere throw over

12 

 

myself and felt the hot tears run down my cheeks and soak the fabric of the silken bolster, which I was sure

would be ruined. I couldn't have cared less as I fell into a fitful sleep.

I was woken by Edward's arms lifting me from the sofa. I looked at him with confusion as he carried me to our

bedroom.

“

You are my wife, Isabella, you will sleep in our bed.”

He placed me on my side of the bed and returned to his, climbing in with no other acknowledgment of my

presence. I curled up into a ball and pulled the covers over my body, fresh tears making trails down my cheeks.

~*~

I woke up Sunday morning to a beautiful Chicago January day. Not a cloud in the sky, but cold as hell. Edward
was not in our bed, and I knew he would have gotten up to go for a run along the lakefront. As I started my
morning routine, I could feel my anticipation and dread grow. Today was the day. I was going to announce our
divorce at dinner tonight with his family. I couldn't go along with the charade of a happy marriage any longer.
I had given him an extra year of my life in order to avoid the possible embarrassment and discomfort of others
and that was all he could have. I heard Edward come in and make his way to the bathroom to shower. I started
reading through the paper and waited for our inevitable confrontation.

He padded out to the kitchen dressed in a pair of low slung sweat pants and a worn grey t-shirt. He made no
attempt to greet me until after he fixed his protein shake. I watched his meticulous movements. He ran his life
like he ran his operating room, with precision and brevity. There were no unplanned moves in Edward's life.
Everything was controlled and calculated. There was no room for spontaneity or error. He wouldn't allow it.

He turned toward me and leaned on the opposite side of the breakfast island.

“Good morning.”

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. “Good morning, Edward.”

His eyes locked onto mine, and we stared silently at each other for a few minutes.

“You're telling them tonight.” There was no emotion or question in his voice. He was simply stating a fact he
knew to be true.

“Yes.”

“I'm going to the hospital to check on my transplant patient. I'll meet you in Lake Forest.”

He threw back the glass containing his breakfast and drank it down in one long gulp. He turned, placed it in the
sink, and strode out of the kitchen. I closed my eyes and felt a lone tear slide down my cheek. As I wiped it away
I promised myself it would be the last one I would shed over Edward Cullen and our failed marriage.

Chapter 2

After Edward left for the hospital time seemed to increase exponentially, and before I could fully wrap my mind
around what I was finally about to do, I found myself on the Metra heading toward the Cullen's home in Lake
Forest. The January sun was setting as the train pulled up to the station, and I gathered up my orange Birkin

13 

 

bag, scarf, and mittens from the seat next to me as I exited the compartment. I could see an excited Alice
waving frantically and bouncing in the driver's seat of her obnoxious yellow Porsche waiting for me in the
parking lot. I smiled in spite of my mood; Alice just had that effect on people. I hurried to the car as the chilly
night air began to assault me and slid into the passenger seat.

“Hi, Bella!” Alice squealed and lunged for me, her small arms wrapping me up in her surprisingly strong
embrace. “Oh my gosh, I've missed you so much! I have so much to tell you! You will not believe how amazing
our honeymoon was. It was incredible. Really. Incredible.”

“Alice...”

“We had the best time, and it went so fast, but it also felt like forever. I missed you, you know? I'm sorry I
haven't been able to see you any earlier this week, but I've been so busy with getting the house organized. You
and Edward will have to come to dinner next week to see it. It's nothing like your place, but it's so Jasper and
me. I love Evanston, and my studio is almost finished. Oh, I found the most amazing little boutique in Zanzibar.
I brought you something from it. It will look amazing on you. I figured you could wear it to Ravinia or something
this summer. It will go beautifully with the sapphire earrings Edward bought you. It's at the house, I can't wait
to show you, but I wanted to give everyone their gifts at the same time. Edward should be at the house soon.
He had a patient, right? Tonight will be memorable, I can't see exactly what is going to happen but something
big...”

“ALICE!” While I loved the little pixie, she had a tendency to go ADD when excited, so I knew that getting her
to stop before she totally lost it was key. I also wanted to stop her from finishing her thought. “I missed you,
too.”

She laughed her melodic little laugh and turned her attention to the road, as I explained that Edward would be
driving up from the city after seeing to his transplant patient. It wasn't uncommon for Edward and I to arrive at
Sunday Dinner at different times. As everyone in the Cullen family was aware, the hospital came first. Even as
children, Carlisle's presence in their lives was determined by whether or not he was needed at Northwestern
Memorial. Edward was simply following in his father's illustrious footsteps.

Just as the Metra ride had, the ride to the Cullen's home, Rose Ridge Manor, passed quickly. Memories rushed
back to me unbidden as we were pulled up the drive to what I assumed would be my last dinner with the Cullen
family. It would most likely be on par with my first.

~*~

November 1995

My relationship with Edward Cullen had quickly become the center of my life. After the first night at The Lodge

where we sat on the piano bench and talked until the early hours of the morning, Edward had been with me for

some part of every day. He walked me to class when he could, his arm wrapped protectively around me or his

hand resting on the small of my back. He would walk me to the door of the building and place a gentle kiss on

my lips and then brush my cheek with the back of his fingers. It made me practically faint every time he did it.

There were moments at the very beginning where I truly couldn't understand why Edward would be interested

in me. He was everything I wasn't, but he was so attentive and caring that I was soon so enamored with him I

didn't have the energy to question it. I knew I loved him and he said he loved me, but I wanted Edward to be

more than just my first love. I wanted forever with him, and hoped that someday he felt the same about me.

Rosalie and Emmett were quickly becoming two of my most favorite people. The three of us spent time in the

14 

 

evenings together after Edward had returned to his house across town. When we could, the four of us went to

dinner or a movie and I could tell that they enjoyed having Edward around. Rosalie convinced me to rush A Chi

O, and I somehow managed to make it into the pledge class. I knew the Hale name carried a lot of weight and

that she must have made it known we were friends. It wasn't something that I really wanted to do, but is was

important to Rose, and she had been so nice to me that I couldn't really tell her no.

A few weeks before Thanksgiving, Edward and I were sitting in a corner of the library reading for classes--our

fingers lightly intertwined and only breaking contact to turn a page. We would sneak peeks at each other and

would laugh when we were caught by the other. I'm sure we were completely nauseating to watch. I felt a tug

on my fingers and turned to look at Edward. He brought my hand to his lips and lightly kissed each fingertip.

“

Come home with me for Thanksgiving,” he whispered.

“

What?”

He smiled his gorgeous crooked grin at me. “I want you to meet my family.”

The seriousness in his voice made me a little nervous. “Are we...ready for that?”

His emerald eyes locked with mine. “I am. Aren't you?”

“

Well, I mean, sure...but isn't that kind of weird to bring me home with you for a family holiday? Where would

I stay?”

He let out a small chuckle. “In a guest room. Bella, I want you with me. I love you. Please say yes.”

"I love you too, you know that, but..." While I wanted to be with him for the holiday, the idea of meeting his

parents terrified me.

“

Have you even asked your parents? I mean, I can't just show up, Edward.”

His velvet laugh washed over me, and he drew me into a kiss. “It will be fine; just say yes.”

“

Um, yes.”

“

See, that wasn't so bad.”

The gravity of the decision struck me later that night when I realized I had no idea what I would wear. I tore

through everything in my closet before Rosalie came into the room. She raised one of her sculpted brows at me,

letting her body language speak for her.

“

I'm going to the Cullen's for Thanksgiving, and I can't take anything I own.”

A wide smile broke across her face. “Oh good! If he hadn't asked you soon I was just going to bring you home

with me, and yeah, don't even worry about the clothes. We'll go shopping this weekend.” Relieved and

exhausted from my mania, I collapsed onto my bed, and Rosalie settled in next to me.

“

What's it like there?”

“

What, at Rose Ridge Manor?”

“

Their house has a name?! Oh, god! What did I agree to?” I sat up and buried my hands in my hair.

15 

 

“

Bella, calm down. Esme's family built the house like eons ago, and it was all the rage back then to name houses.

It's not a big deal. Really, it's just a house.”

I should have known that Rose has a tendency to oversimplify. When we pulled up to the drive the night before

Thanksgiving, I had never seen anything like Rose Ridge Manor. The large brick home was painted white and

seemed to glow under the moon. A light dusting of snow on the ground only made it look more magical. Emmett

parked his Jeep in front of the massive front door just as it opened to reveal a lush foyer and a petite woman I

could only assume was their mother. She was resplendent in a pair of cream pants and cardigan set and her soft

caramel hair pulled back into a chignon. Emmett jumped out and bounded over to her, wrapping her up in his

giant arms and swung her around.

“

Hey, Mom! Your favorite son is home!”

Her laugh rang through the still night.

“

Put me down, favorite son, so I can hug my other favorite son and meet

his friend.”

Edward had helped me out of the giant Jeep, and we were standing on the porch watching Emmett maul Mrs.

Cullen. Edward's hand was resting on my lower back, and I felt him gently push me forward.

“

Mother, this is my girlfriend, Isabella Swan. Bella, this is my mother, Esme Cullen.”

Mrs. Cullen released Emmett and crossed the porch to kiss Edward on the cheek. She wrapped her arm around
his waist and turned to face me. “

Bella. It's lovely to meet you. Edward has spoken highly of you, when I've

managed to get him on the phone that is.” It was obvious to see who Edward took after as they stood side by

side--two pairs of vibrant emerald eyes--they were most certainly mother and son. Despite Mrs. Cullen's

pleasant smile I could see her looking me up and down, taking in my appearance. I was so grateful for Rosalie's

help in getting some new clothes that I could have kissed her.

“

It's really nice to meet you too, Mrs. Cullen. Thank you for letting me join your family for the holiday.”

“

Of course, dear.” A tightness had taken over her eyes that did not match the smile still plastered on her perfect

face.

I smiled back, but I felt a weird pit settle in my stomach. I was fairly certain that my warm welcome was more

for show than anything. She hated me, of that I was certain.

My time in Lake Forest felt like some sort of alternate reality. Instead of Charlie and my traditional, home-cooked

Thanksgiving dinner I found myself dining with the Cullens and Hales on the most decadent meal I had ever

eaten--prepared by a chef, of course.

Of all the Cullens I met, Alice was my favorite. Edward and Emmett's sister was a tiny little thing, and even

though she was thirteen, she looked only nine or ten. Her surprising amount of energy and wit proved that she

was mature beyond her years. She seemed to like me, too, and demanded a "girls only" sleepover before we

went back to school. Rose joined us and the three of us had a slumber party in Alice's room with the requisite

pizza, ice cream, and all the soda we could stand. After a few hours and two chick flicks, I was desperate for

water, so I made my way down to the kitchen to get some. As I approached, Edward's angry voice stopped me

in my tracks.

“

Mother! You don't understand! I knew from the moment I saw her.”

16 

 

“

Edward, I'm not saying she isn't a sweet girl, but really, who is she? Where does she come from, who is her

family? You are a Masen and a Cullen. There are certain expectations for who you will be with.”

“

Mother...”

“

Edward, you are eighteen and Bella is your first girlfriend, which is fine. Date her and enjoy yourself, but don't

lose focus on what's important and jeopardize your future. You'll have other girlfriends and then someday you'll

meet someone who is more accustomed to our way of life and that is when you can consider settling down.”

"Dad...”

“

Your mother is right, Edward. Your studies must come first. I can do only so much. Getting into Northwestern

and having your surgical residency at NMH requires you to do your part as well.”

I stood in the hallway stunned. I knew that I was not the type of girl Edward should be dating--he deserved--

someone more like Rosalie, but after hearing his parents verbalize their displeasure at our relationship was a

knife in my heart. My injured heart broke when I heard what sounded like a sob come from Edward.

“

Please...please let me have this one thing.” His voice was scratchy and strained.

My hands flew to cover my mouth and hold back my own sobs, the tears however fell freely. Just as I felt my

knees go weak, a pair of massive arms surrounded me and lifted me off my feet. I curled into Emmett's chest

as he walked me back up the stairs and into his room. He sat down on his bed and continued to hold me as I

cried.

“

It's OK, Jelly-Belly. Shhh...it's alright.”

“

No...no it's not, Em. Did you hear?” I looked up into his blue eyes and

his expression gave him away.

“

They hate

me.”

“

No, they don't. They actually like you a lot.”

I let out an involuntary laugh and looked at him like he was crazy.

“

Really, they do, Bella. I know that must have been so hard to hear, but Esme and Carlisle come from a whacked

out world. I don't want to make excuses for them, but they only want the best for us.”

I nodded my head and stood up, wiping the wetness from my face. “I understand. I...I need to go...”

I turned to walk toward the door when he grabbed my hand. I looked at him as he pulled me back into his bed.

“

That doesn't mean that they aren't wrong about you and Edward.”

I felt a fresh set of tears begin to fall.

“

You've changed him, Bells. You've brought him to life. They see that and it freaks them out. They've always had

each of our lives planned out for us. One would be a surgeon and one would build. It didn't take them long to

figure out that I wouldn't be the one carving into people.”

17 

 

His humor brought a weak smile to my face, but it quickly faded as I looked down at my hands and began

playing with the hem of my t-shirt.

“

I'm all wrong for him, Emmett,” I whispered. “He needs someone like Rosalie--someone he can be proud to be

with.”

He placed his finger under my chin and raised my face to meet his eyes.

“

He has that. He has you.”

A very upset Alice and Rosalie suddenly burst though Emmett's door, cutting off my protest.

“

Oh, Bella. What happened? Edward came looking for you, and we had no idea where you were. He was so

upset so we told him we'd find you.” Alice cried as she wrapped me in a hug.

I didn't know what to say so I looked to Emmett for guidance. He winked at me in understanding.

“

Esme and Carlisle decided it was time to play the concerned parents with Edward. They wanted to make sure

he was sticking to the plan.”

“

Oh, what utter bullshit!” Rosalie raged. “Let me guess, they think Bella is a bad idea?”

“

Something like that,” I said softly.

“

Don't listen to them, Bella.” Alice grabbed my hand and made me look at her. “Really, I've seen it. You and

Edward are totally meant for each other.”

I shook my head in confusion. “Seen it?”

Alice let out a laugh, “Didn't anyone tell you? I see the future.”

“

The future?” I looked at Rosalie and Emmett for some sort of indication that Alice was either joking or crazy.

Emmett let out a deep laugh and rubbed his hands through his curly hair.

“

She does have a knack at knowing

things.”

I looked at Rosalie who nodded in agreement. I shook my head, suddenly tired of trying to hold it together.

“

Come on,” Rosalie said as she grabbed my hand. “There's someone who wants to see you.”

I rested my head on Rosalie's shoulder as we walked to Edward's room. In such a short time she had become

my best friend. She left me in front of Edward's door as I knocked lightly. As he opened the door I could see that

he had been crying. One look at my face, and he knew I had heard what had been said.

“

Oh, Bella...” He pulled me to him and wrapped his arms tightly around me.

“

I'm sorry, Edward. I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I just wanted some water.”

“

No, Bella, I'm sorry. I never wanted you to hear any of that. Please tell me you don't want to break up with me.”

18 

 

I pulled back from him. “Break up?”

“

Yes, as much as it would kill me, I would totally understand you not wanting to be my girlfriend anymore.”

“

Edward, why would I break up with you? I love you. I thought you would want to break up with me?”

“

What?! Why?” His cheeks flushed red with confusion.

“

Because of what your parents said...I assumed you'd want to find someone more...suitable.”

Edward pulled me over to his bed.

“

Didn't you hear me tell them?”

“

Tell them what?”

He locked eyes with me as he brought his hand up to gently brush his fingers against my cheek.

“

That I love you too, Bella. That I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

I let out a gasp at his declaration. My head was spinning. Edward Cullen wanted to be with me for the rest of his

life. I was sure my mouth was hanging open, but I just couldn't manage to speak.

“

It's OK, Bella. I know that we haven't been together that long. Just know that I mean it. Alright?”

He was looking for some sort of acknowledgment from me, and I began to shake my head.

“

N..no...no...”

“

No?” His face fell, and he turned away from me. I realized he misunderstood what I was trying to say.

“

No, I mean, yes...I mean, I want to be with you too.”

~*~

The conversation around the table was centered on Alice and Jasper's wedding and honeymoon. It sounded like
a wonderful trip, and I felt so selfish making this announcement so soon after their wedding, but I couldn't wait
any longer. Edward was sitting beside me, but we had said nothing to each other all evening. He arrived just as
we were all sitting down to eat, and he had immediately started talking to his father about the transplant patient
and other hospital news.

As dessert was served, I began preparing myself for my announcement. I felt it best to tell everyone together.
I knew the news of my divorcing Edward would cause a great upset, but I didn't want there to be any
misunderstanding, and I wanted to assure those members of the family that I loved dearly--namely Rose,
Emmett, Alice, and now Jasper--that I didn't want to lose them from my life. I knew it would be difficult, but for
the past twelve years they had been my family, and their friendship was an important part of my life. Esme and
Carlisle would be upset as well. We had become quite close over the years, but Edward was their son and their
support would rest fully with him, as it should be. As I reached for my water to wet my dry mouth in preparation
to speak out, I heard a chair push back from the table and the sound of metal clinking against crystal. I looked
up to see Emmett standing with the largest smile I had ever seen.

19 

 

“Rosie and I have some news to share.” He looked down at Rose and blew her a kiss. “Looks like my boys scored
a touchdown! We're cooking a baby!”

I heard Esme gasp as she covered her mouth. She looked at Rose who smiled and nodded.

The room burst into a cacophony of sound as congratulations and questions were shouted. I sat numbly in my
chair, as did Edward. I turned to look at him and saw his silent question. I shook my head, defeated. I knew that
once again I would not be able to free myself from the burden of this news.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 3

I downed the rest of my wine and got up from the table. Walking over to Rosalie, I wrapped her in a strong hug.
I was thrilled for both her and Emmett, but a little taken aback that I hadn't heard this news sooner.
“Oh, Bella, please don't be mad that I didn't say anything to you. I just didn't want to jinx it,” she whispered in
my ear.

I leaned away from her and saw her violet eyes fill with tears. I pulled her back into a hug and kissed her cheek.

“Of course I'm not mad, Rose. I'm so happy for you and Em.”

We were best friends, and we weren't supposed to keep news like this from one another, but she wasn't the only
one guilty of keeping secrets. I hadn't told her that I was divorcing Edward. I couldn't fault her for keeping this
to herself for a while.

Amidst all the chatter and celebration at the table, she grabbed my hand and led me into the solarium just off
the dining room. Pulling us down onto a chaise, she seemed to be struggling for words.

“What is it, Rose?” She had me worried. Rose and Emmett had been trying for 3 years to get pregnant. She had
suffered several miscarriages, and they had even started talking about surrogacy or adoption as possible
options. Her fear of losing another baby must have been overwhelming her.

“Oh, Bella, no. Everything is fine.” She smiled. “I just wanted to ask you to be the baby's godmother.”

I was stunned. My thoughts immediately went to the fact that she didn't have any idea about the divorce, and
I didn't know if that would affect her choice.

“Rose, I...”

“Emmett is asking Edward right now to be the godfather. We know that this baby will be loved by you two, and
well...if anything were to happen to us...”

“Rose, stop! Please don't think about things like that. I'm honored you would think of me. Really, but...”

“Did you ask her, Rosie?” Emmett's boisterous voice bounced off the glass enclosure as he and Edward walked
into the room. “Edward's in; he said I just had to return the favor someday!”

I took in a sharp breath as my eyes locked onto Edward's. That bastard. That manipulative bastard! Children for

20 

 

Edward and me was a non-subject. We had decided that we wouldn't even begin thinking about it until after his
residency was over. It was a decision that we made just before we got married almost seven years ago and one
I was fine with. I didn't even know if I really wanted kids and with Edward being gone so much I knew I didn't
want to raise them alone. For him to say something like that to Emmett when we were planning on ending our
marriage was cruel, and he knew it.

I was torn. I couldn't announce the divorce tonight. Putting a damper on Rosalie and Emmett's wonderful
announcement would be the height of selfishness, but I knew I couldn't honestly give Rose my answer without
her knowing the whole truth. I did the only thing I could; I hugged her tight and gave her a reassuring smile. I
was saved from saying anything further when the rest of the family joined us. Jasper passed out champagne,
while Alice gave Rosalie ginger ale, insisting that toasting without bubbles was no fun. Leave it to Alice to lighten
my mood.

Carlisle cleared his throat, and everyone turned to face him.

“I just wanted to say a few words to my oldest son and his beautiful wife. Emmett and Rosalie, you have made
me and Esme so happy. We have waited patiently for our children to reach a stage in their lives where they
would bring the next generation of this family into the world. We couldn't be more thrilled for the two of you and
will be even more pleased when the announcement of cousins for this precious child is made by Edward and
Bella and Alice and Jasper. Although Alice and Jasper should feel free to wait awhile. I'm just getting used to the
idea of my baby girl being married.”

Everyone chuckled, but I was desperate for Carlisle to end the toast as Esme locked her focus on me and
Edward. Edward casually wrapped his arm around my shoulder and placed a kiss on my temple. I froze like a
block of ice. He hadn't shown me any affection for weeks and when he does it's to placate his precious mother.
I was livid. I heard glasses clinking against each other and realized the toast was over and forced a smile as I
made the rounds with my glass. I drained the champagne quickly, and hurried out of the room. My feet carried
me into the drawing room, and I stood in front of the roaring fire. I could barely feel any heat.

“Bella.”

Edward's voice made me flinch, but I didn't turn around. I felt his presence as he came to stand next to me.

“Bella, please. We need to talk about this,” he whispered.

With those words I spun to face him.

“Here?

Now

you want to talk?! With your family only a few rooms away? You couldn't have talked to me this

morning when we had some privacy?” I hissed.

“The news of the baby, Bella--this changes things.”

“Oh no, Edward, it changes NOTHING. You will not do this to me again!”

“Shhh!” His scowl silenced me. “Keep your voice down. We don't need any attention drawn to us.”

I huffed and crossed my arms in childish defiance. I couldn't help it; he just brought out the worst in me. “Of
course not. God forbid we draw attention to ourselves.” The venom in my voice was unmistakable.

“How can you not see that this is bigger than the two of us, Bella?” Edward's jaw set in a look I was very familiar

21 

 

with. The look of “family first”-- things would never change.

I felt the sting of tears fill my eyes. I couldn't sacrifice myself for him any longer.

“Edward, I told you a year ago that I wanted out of this marriage--a year ago--but you told me you wanted to
work on things, that we had something to worth saving, but you only wanted the appearance of a stable
marriage so that the precious Cullen name would be pristine and intact.”

Edward ran his hands through his hair and then slammed them down on the fireplace mantle. “You act as if I've
lied to you, Bella! There are just some things that are out of my control. I couldn't help that in order to be named
chief resident I had to put in the time I did at the hospital. You knew this was how it was going to be. Why do
you continue to use it as a weapon against me? You also knew it was very important to me that my parent's 35th
anniversary not be marred by our news --they've done so much for us, Bella. And now with the baby and Emmett
and Rose's desire for us to be godparents...”

“No!” I shouted. “Edward, I will not allow you to do this to me anymore! Your parent's anniversary, you being
named chief resident, Alice and Jasper's wedding...I'm done! I've given up twelve years of my life trying to be
good enough for this family. Doing the 'right' thing, choosing the 'right' major, getting a goddamn MBA I didn't
want --all so that the name Bella Cullen could measure up to the expectations placed upon it. I love Rose and
Emmett, and I will love their baby, but I'm not putting off my life anymore. We are getting a divorce!”

I wrapped my arms around my body and clenched my hands tightly against my shoulders. I felt like if I didn't
hold myself together I'd fall completely apart. Edward paced slowly back and forth in front of the fire running his
hand through his hair.

“Bella...” he whispered. I couldn't stand to hear any more of his excuses.

“You do realize, Edward, that none of the reasons you asked me to stay had anything to do with you still loving
me. You realize this, don't you?”

“How can you say that? You know I love you.”

A bitter laugh escaped my throat. “Do I? How exactly would I know that?”

“Because, Isabella, when I asked you to be my wife I promised to love you forever.”

~*~

June 1999

Our time in Madison had drawn to a close. We had all graduated and were preparing for life after college. Much

to Carlisle and Esme's chagrin, Emmett had delayed his graduation a year to stay with Rosalie; they were

heading to Cambridge for Rosalie's Harvard law degree. Emmett was going to be working at an architecture firm

in Boston, and they were excited to be officially living together. Emmett had proposed to Rosalie during the

previous spring break on the top of the Eiffel Tower. Rosalie and Emmett agreed to wait to get married until after

she finished law school, but Emmett had wanted to make sure Rose was officially “off the market” before they

left for Boston. All part of the Cullen/Hale master plan.

I had never doubted that the two of them would get married. Rose once told me that she'd known since she was

22 

 

10 years old that she'd marry Emmett. They had all been at the beach one beautiful summer's day, and Alice had

been running down the lake shore. She tripped and fell into the lake, getting completely filthy and soaked from

head to toe. Emmett immediately stopped playing football and ran to his little sister's aid. He picked Alice up and

carried her back to their lake house, cleaned her up, and spent the rest of the day playing with her. Rose said

she knew that day that she would marry Emmett, and he would be the best husband and daddy in the world. She

had been in love with him ever since.

I knew I would miss Rosalie so much while she was away, but she would always be my best friend. It was nice

to have one relationship that I didn't have to question my place in.

And I had Edward, and we were in love. We moved to a heavy timber loft in downtown Chicago, not far from

where Edward would be attending medical school. I was starting my MBA program at the University of Chicago.

Edward had convinced me at the end of my sophomore year that a degree in finance would be most beneficial

to me and that an MBA was the next logical step. I had wanted to get a degree in English and had hopes of

becoming a writer, but Edward made me see that it was a waste of my energy to not have a solid, usable degree.

Carlisle had introduced me to one of his friends who owned a wealth management firm; I was now working there

while earning my MBA. Everything was falling into place for us. All part of the Cullen master plan.

Shortly after we had settled into our new loft and school, Edward did something I wasn't expecting, but should

have been. It was one of those priceless Chicago evenings that you couldn't waste by being indoors. We took the

lake shore path toward Museum Campus. Our destination was the sea wall by the planetarium, which was,

without a doubt, our favorite view of the city. We watched the boats in the lake, the families riding bikes, the

people roller-blading with their dogs--all enjoying the wonderfulness that was Chicago. I was so happy and in

love that I couldn't have imagined our lives getting any better. I was wrong.

As we got to the end of the sea wall Edward's grip on my hand became almost unbearably tight. As I turned to

question him I saw him drop down to one knee. All the breath left my body.

“

Isabella Marie Swan,” he smiled up to me as I felt the tears form. The fingers from his free hand reached into

a pocket in his cargo shorts and pulled out a small, red leather box. He pulled back the lid, and I couldn't contain

the sob that broke from my chest. An antique sapphire ring was nestled inside and it was the most exquisite

thing I had ever seen in my life.

“

Bella, from the very first moment I looked into your breathtaking brown eyes, I knew that I was yours eternally.

I've loved you ever single second since then, and I plan on loving you every single second of forever. Will you

please do me the honor and become my wife? Spend forever with me, Bella.”

“

Oh, Edward.” I dropped down to him and threw my arms around his shoulders. “Yes! Yes!” I kissed him

relentlessly through my tears and couldn't believe that I was lucky enough to have this beautiful man love me.

He pulled away, took my left hand, and slipped the ring on my third finger.

“

It was my great-grandmother Cullen's. My great-grandfather Edward bought it for her when they got engaged,

and they were married for over fifty years.”

“

It's so beautiful, Edward. Are you sure you want me to have it?”

“

I've never been sure of anything more, Bella. It looks beautiful on you.”

The ring was stunning. It was a large cushion cut blue sapphire with diamonds and smaller sapphires

surrounding the mount. I couldn't have dreamed of anything more beautiful. I was somewhat shocked Esme

23 

 

and Carlisle would let him give it to me, but my relationship with Edward's parents had come a long way since

my first visit to Rose Ridge Manor. I had tried very hard to be someone they thought was good enough for

Edward. Rosalie helped me with my clothes and hairstyle, and I made efforts in other areas, like becoming

president of A Chi O. Esme was very proud of me for that accomplishment, as she had been the chapter

president when she was a senior at UW. Having their acceptance of my relationship with Edward meant so much

to me. I hoped we had their blessing for this next step.

“

Mrs. Edward Cullen. It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?” Edward whispered as he placed a kiss on my

temple.

I smiled at him and kissed him lightly on the mouth. “I do.”

~*~

“It's too late, Edward.”

“No, Bella!” Alice's shout startled me. Alice? Oh, God.

I turned to see the entire family standing in the door way, their faces a mixture of surprise, anger, and sadness.
Alice had tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Alice...”

“I didn't see this. Why didn't I see this? How? How can this be happening?” Her tiny body shook with sobs.

I took a step toward her. “Alice, please...”

She turned and ran from the room. Jasper gave me a plaintive look and turned to go after her.

“Edward, what is going on, son?” Carlisle asked as he walked toward us.

Edward looked at me and then at his father. “Bella has decided to end our marriage.”

“That's ridiculous. Masens and Cullens do not get divorced!” Esme's screech filled the room.

“Esme.”

“Mother.”

Edward and I both spoke at the same time.

“No, the two of you must work this out! This is unacceptable!”

My level of annoyance was exceeding what I was able to maintain. “I don't want to talk about it with anyone
other than Edward, Esme.” I turned away from everyone to focus on Edward. “I'd like to leave now.”

I regretted not driving to dinner myself. I had no idea why I hadn't, other than I never had before. Edward
always drove his Volvo and that's just how things were. Now I was at his mercy, and all I wanted to do was be
away from this house and this night.

24 

 

Esme was not to be brushed off. “No, we will talk about this as a family. You couldn't possibly have thought you
could just decide to divorce

my

son without any input from us.”

“That's just it, Esme. I haven't 'just decided'. I knew a year ago I was in a marriage that was no longer working,
but I put my life on hold for this family. I don't need your permission for this.”

“A year? What is she talking about, Edward?” Esme demanded.

“Bella informed me last year that she thought a divorce was the best thing for her, and I asked her to reconsider.
I think our marriage is worth saving. She disagrees.”
I was livid at his words. “Of course! This is all my fault; things usually are. I must be overreacting. I mean, it's
normal for husbands and wives to go months upon months without sex!”

“Bella!” Esme gasped.

“What, Esme? You wanted to talk about my personal business, so let's talk. Your precious Edward has been so
focused on his career for the last four years that he has let our marriage completely disintegrate. I no longer
know who he is. Hell, I no longer know who I am! I just know that I can't do this anymore. I can't live the rest
of my life as this--this caricature of a person. I won't do it!” I turned my back to the room. “I just won't,” I
whispered.

After a heavy moment of silence, I felt Rose wrap her arms around me and lead me out of the room and to her
car. We sat in silence for almost an hour as she drove to my building and pulled up to the front doors.

“Do you want me to come up?” she asked.

I smiled at her and shook my head. “Lunch tomorrow?”

“South Water Kitchen at 1:00?”

“Sounds good.” I leaned over the center console and hugged her. “Thank you, Rose, and I'm so sorry this
happened tonight. I didn't want to ruin your night.”

“I know, sweetie, it's OK. Get some rest and we'll talk tomorrow.”

I got out of the car and was leaning in to get my bag when she spoke again.

“I'm bringing Angela Cheney with me as your legal counsel.”

“Rose...”

“He might be my brother-in-law, Bella, but Angela is the best divorce attorney in my firm. My best friend
deserves the best.”

“Thank you. I...just, thanks.”

She nodded and waved as I closed the Bentley's door and made my way inside the lobby. I rode the elevator up
to the apartment and walked slowly to the bedroom. I must have fallen asleep because Edward's heavy steps on
the stone floor startled me awake. He flipped on the light as I sat up on the edge of the bed and watched him
stride into the master bathroom and gather his toiletries. When he was finished in the bathroom he walked to

25 

 

his closet and grabbed a few items from it. He stopped on his way out of the room to address me.

“I'll be staying in the guest room until this is resolved.”

He turned and left without another word. I looked down at my hand and focused on my wedding rings. My
beautiful engagement ring was ensconced between two bands of sapphires, channel set in platinum. My fingers
twisted them back and forth working them from my finger as I stood and walked to my bureau. Opening my
jewelry box I took out the aged red leather box with beautiful gold script and pressed the release to open it. I
nestled the engagement ring inside of it and closed the lid, hearing the small click of the latch as it caught. I took
out a newer matching box and placed the wedding bands within it. I placed both closed boxes back inside and
looked down at my bare left hand. The indentations on my ring finger were deep, but after almost seven years,
it was to be expected. I knew that in time the lines would fade, just as the cracks in my heart would heal. While
the hurt I was feeling was immeasurable, I knew this was the only way I could ever be happy in life. Bella Cullen
was going back to the beginning and letting Bella Swan finally figure out who she wanted to be.

~*~

Chapter 4

Mondays are a bitch, today was extraordinarily so. I turned off my laptop and desk lamp plunging my office into
darkness. I let out a long sigh and stood to make my way over to the closed door. I grabbed my coat and wearily
put it on. I was completely exhausted. It had been a rough day in the market on top of the emotionally draining
lunch with Rose and Angela Cheney. I thought Rose was going to have a coronary when I told her I didn't want
anything from Edward, not even the money I had been promised in the pre-nup. I just wanted to keep the
investments I'd made over the years from my salary and my retirement account. I had earned that money and
other than some personal possessions like my books and some photographs I just wanted to be free. Rose tried
to argue that the Fordham condo was a wedding gift to the both of us and I had a right to half of its value, but
I didn't want it. The gift had been a pawn in Esme's power trip, and it never made me happy. I was sure that the
money from its sale wouldn't either. I wanted a quick and easy divorce, and Angela was able to ascertain that
due to our current living arrangements Illinois' two-year separation rule could be waived if both Edward and I
agreed to it. I was sure if he knew I wanted nothing from him monetarily he'd happily sign the waiver. There was
no need to prolong it with a fight over money. My being with Edward had never been about the money, no
matter what Esme liked to infer.

I grabbed my Birkin off of the chair and made my way out to where Seth was wrapping up his day.

“Good night, Seth. I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Night, Bella.”

I could hear in his voice that he wanted to ask me something. When I had greeted him this morning his eyes had
flashed to my naked left hand, just as they did now. The missing rings were a noticeable absence, but he was
either too shy or too polite to ask me anything.

“It's fine, Seth. I'm fine.”

His deep black eyes met mine and softened at the edges as he smiled at me.

26 

 

“You're a strong woman, Bella. Don't forget that, and I'm here if you need to talk.”

I smiled and nodded in return. Waving goodbye, I turned to make my way out of our office, but his voice made
me turn back.

“He's a fool.”

I bit my bottom lip and shrugged. I couldn't argue that point with him.

The brisk walk home was welcomed after being cooped up in my office for most of the day. The cold air off the
lake had a recharging effect to it. I dug in my bag for my phone as the skeletal frames of the trees lining the
streets dipped and waved around me in the wind. I shivered as I pressed Alice's number. I wasn't sure if it was
from the cold or the fear of rejection. I had tried several times throughout the day to reach Alice, but she
wouldn't answer and hadn't returned any of my messages. I wanted to try at least one more time tonight to talk
to her, but like each of the other calls, I was dumped into her voice mail. Dejected, I left another message.

“Alice, please call me. I'm sorry you found out about this the way you did. Honey --just call me back--bye.”

Knowing that I was causing Alice pain left an ache in my chest that nothing but her delighted laugh would erase.
Alice was truly a sister to me. She had been so excited to finally be married and be a wife like Rose and I. I knew
that Alice had felt excluded from so many things and it was her dream for the three of us to now have the rest
of our lives to do the things married sisters do together. The divorce was crushing that dream, and I did feel
awful about that. Hurting Alice was something I had never wanted to do.

I broke from my thoughts as the beautiful stained glass windows of Holy Name greeted me as I rounded the
corner and approached my building. The evening mass must have just finished as I watched a smattering of
people leave the grand old cathedral. In all the years I have lived across the street from it, I'd never once gone
in.

“Evening, Mrs. Cullen.” Dre, our night doorman, greeted me with his megawatt smile as I walked through the
lobby door he held open for me.

“Hello, Dre. How have you been?”

“Doing real good, Mrs. C. My brother-in-law and me went to the Bears game yesterday. Man, that overtime win
was something else. You watch the game?”

“No, I didn't.” I had recalled Emmett mentioning something about the game at dinner last night, but sports were
not remotely my thing so I rarely paid attention to what was said.

“Well, be sure to watch the next week. I know this team can go all the way if Grossman keeps showing up like
he did yesterday.”

It was all Greek to me, but I smiled at him anyway and headed for the elevator. Once I was protected within it's
walls I collapsed against the weight of the day, riding up to the fiftieth story penthouse without hope for respite.
As the elevator door slid closed behind me I heard a deafening crash from the living room. Startled, I ran toward
the noise and saw a disheveled Edward standing in front of the fire place. At his feet were the antique silver
frames that held our wedding photos. Broken glass lay scattered across the hearth. I noticed an almost empty
glass in his hand and a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label on the mantel next to him--a nearly drained bottle

27 

 

that I was certain had been unopened that morning.

“Edward! What are you doing?” I demanded.

He turned to face me, and with a sneer he swiped his arm against the remaining frames, sending them flying
toward the stone floor.

I clutched my bag and coat against me as I instinctively recoiled in fear.

“Just getting rid of the garbage, love” he slurred. “Why? Did you

want

them? I would have thought they meant

nothing to you, just like me,” he trailed off.

He was drunk. Edward rarely drank in excess as he always wanted to be prepared in case he was called into
surgery. I was stunned that at 6:00 pm on a Monday he had allowed himself this indiscretion.

“I'm not doing this with you right now, Edward.”

His hysterical laughter made me nervous. “That's obvious, but who are you doing

it

with? Huh?” He drained the

rest of his glass. “That

dog

you employ? Are you interested in young boys these days, Isabella?”

I walked up to him and slapped him across the face. He could be angry with me, but I wouldn't allow him to
make accusations like that.

“You're drunk, and you're being cruel. I'll be at Rosalie's.” As I turned to leave his glass shattered in front of me,
the sound reverberating through my entire body. I froze in terror.

“Fuck you and fuck Rosalie,” he shouted, “that bitch is dead to me.”

Stunned at his words I turned back toward him. Edward never spoke this way, and his hateful words about
Rosalie shocked me. This was not the Edward I fell in love with, but this was also not the stiff and formal Edward
I was divorcing. This was an Edward who was a stranger to me, a stranger who I was terrified of and oddly
pitied. His hair hung limply over his sweat-covered forehead, and he was breathing heavily through his mouth.

“Edward,” I whispered, “you don't mean that.”

“Don't I?” he growled. “You think I'm going to have anything to do with that bloodsucking leech? She took one
of the best divorce attorneys in the state to lunch with

my

wife!”

So he knew. I wasn't surprised. Several of the partners in Rose's firm were friends or acquaintances of Edward's
since childhood. I should have realized he would hear from someone that I met with Angela today.
“Edward, Rose was only trying to help me. I'm her best friend.”

“And I'm her fucking brother-in-law! What does she want to do, Bella? Does she want you to take all the money,
leave me penniless? Good luck, sweetheart. The pre-nup is iron clad, and

I

haven't fucked around on you, so

you're only entitled to what you agreed to. You're wasting your time if you think you're going to ruin me with this
folly of yours, Isabella.”

Of course he was worried about the money. Esme had done her job well with planting the “gold digging whore”
seed deep in Edward's psyche.

28 

 

“I don't want your money. This isn't about that or ruining you.” The tears had started to run. I was certain I had
shed all I had for him, for us, and for our failed attempt at forever. I guess I wrong about that too.

“You don't want the money?” he sneered at me.

I shook my head slowly in response and gasped as he closed the distance between us. His hands clutched tightly
around my upper arms and he shook me back and forth several times.

“Then what is it about?!” he screamed into my face. “I have only ever wanted to give you

everything

, Bella. Why

am I not good enough for you? Jesus Christ, look at you! You carry a $20,000 purse. You're wearing at least
$100,000 in jewelery and clothes. Our fucking home has been in

Architectural Digest

. Women would kill to be in

your position. What more could you want?”

A sob broke from his chest as his words cut right to the bone. I could feel my own sobs threaten to overtake me.
He didn't understand, and he never would. We were doomed all along. I looked up slowly into his bloodshot
emerald eyes.

“I've only ever wanted one thing, and you can't give that to me.”

“What? What is it?” He pleaded. “I'll do it, Bella. Please. Please give me a chance.”

He dropped to his knees and wrapped his arms around me. “God, baby, I'm so sorry” he slurred.

My hand slowly rose, and I yearned to run my fingers through his unkempt hair, but I stopped myself. It was too
late.

Swallowing deeply, I whispered, “You. I have only ever wanted you.”

~*~

June 30, 2001

“

Oh, Bella! You look like a princess!” Alice laughed as she danced around me.

I stood in front of the giant three-way mirror and looked at my reflections. I looked like one of those giant bride

dolls that little girls get for Christmas. I was marrying Edward today, but I didn't recognize myself at all.

Edward wanted to get married right after I received my MBA, but the thought of planning a wedding on top of

work and school seemed ludicrous. When I told him we could wait a few months and then plan something small

during the winter, Esme and Alice stepped in. There was all this talk of “a proper Cullen wedding,” and I got lost

in the maelstrom that surrounded me. After a few weeks of trying to keep up, I finally gave in and let them plan

the whole thing. This was the wedding Esme always wanted her son to have. 500 guests filled St. James

Cathedral to watch Edward and I take our vows. I knew approximately 25 of them.

“

Are you sure your mom doesn't want to be in here, Bella,” Alice asked. Now 19, Alice looked more like a woman

than a child. She had decided to crop her inky black hair into a pixie cut and the transformation had been

amazing.

“

She didn't want to make me nervous.” I smiled. The truth was Esme freaked my mom out. Esme was everything

Renee wasn't, and Renee knew it. Renee's free spirit barely held up to the scrutiny Esme gave her at the

29 

 

rehearsal dinner last night. I had always loved that my mom was herself, but seeing Renee around the Cullens

just reinforced the fact that Edward was indeed marrying down.

A knock at the door got everyone moving, and my father poked his head in and cleared his throat.

“

It's almost time, Bells.”

I nodded in acknowledgment as I swallowed back a lump of fear and smoothed down my dress one last time.

Rosalie came up behind me and pulled my veil over my face. She locked eyes with me in the mirror and leaned

in close to my ear.

“

You look so beautiful, Bella. Edward's going to shit himself when he sees you.”

I couldn't help but laugh. Rose always knew how to break me out of my moods.

“

Thanks, Rose.”

“

I meant what I said last night. I'll never be able to thank you enough.”

I nodded in understanding and allowed my mind to drift back to a memory I had been trying desperately to

ignore. Last night Rose had taken me outside to the deck of the Cullen yacht where the rehearsal dinner had

been held. As we stood at the rail looking out over Lake Michigan she'd grabbed my hand, and I had turned to

look at her questioningly.

“

Thank you for getting married first,” she whispered.

“

Um, you're welcome?” I was confused to why she would thank me for that.

“

Bella, I feel like I might have fed you to the wolves with this, but I just couldn't go first. Lillian and Esme have

been dying to plan my wedding since I was in utero, and honestly, I just couldn't go first. I couldn't do that to

Emmett.”

“

What do you mean, Rose?”

“

Look, Bella, you know how Esme is. You know Edward craps sunshine as far as she's concerned. If we had done

this first she would have done something or said something to compare Emmett to Edward, and I'm being

selfish, but dammit, I can't have him hurt. Not when it comes to this.”

I placed my hand over hers and tried to pry it from the railing. She was holding on so tightly I was a little afraid

she'd snap the damn thing clean off.

“

I know this is the night before your wedding, and I'm making this about me--I'm good at that--and you're the

bride and you'll be so beautiful, Bella, really, you will, but Edward lives to please her. You know he's done

everything to make Esme happy, like going to med school, and shit, I'm messing this up. I think I'm drunk, but

I figure that now the pressure is off. Esme has her society wedding, and when Emmett and I do it, it can be what

we want.”

Part of me wanted to throw up because the last thing I wanted was a “society wedding,” but the part of me that

always sacrificed for others' needs was happy that I was able to give my best friend some relief. However,

something Rose said puzzled me.

30 

 

“

What do you mean 'like going to med school'?”

She turned to look at me in confusion.

“

You said Edward is in med school to please Esme. I don't understand; he's always wanted to be a doctor.”

“

Is that what he's told you?” Rosalie's sharp eyes were a mix of curiosity and concern.

“

Yes. Since that first night at The Lodge. We talked on the piano bench for hours, and he told me how ever since

he was small he'd play with Carlisle's stethoscope and how he'd 'doctor' you all.”

Rosalie shook her head slowly. “

Bella, Edward has always wanted to write and play his own music, but someone

had to be the doctor. Esme drilled it into them. Emmett was to be an architect, and Edward would be a surgeon.”

I could tell she was surprised at my lack of awareness, and honestly, so was I. I couldn't fully grasp what she was

saying. I was getting married to Edward in a little over twelve hours, and suddenly I felt like I knew nothing

about him. Of course I knew he played piano--he played beautifully--but I had no idea he had wanted to pursue

playing and composing as a career. I remembered Emmett joking about one of them going into Esme's family's

business and one following Carlisle's footsteps, but I never imagined that their children's' dreams and natural

talents would have been sacrificed.

I could feel the blood pumping in my ears and my heart hammering in my chest. I was so confused. What had

I been doing the last six years? Who was Edward really? I felt a panic attack start, but before I could lose myself

in it, all the guests came out to the deck and Edward was suddenly at my side. He wrapped his arms around me

and kissed my hair. Looking up into his eyes, he seemed so happy, but what if he was just doing what he thought

he should? What if I was just part of "the plan"? What if his happiness was due to his mother's satisfaction, and

not his own? I felt like I didn't know him at all; did he even know himself? Were we ready to get married if we

were both confused about who we were and what we wanted?

“

Bella, Bella, BELLA! It's time!”

Alice's excited squeal was what slammed my mind back to the reality of that moment, a bride in front of a mirror

whose time was up, for better or for worse. I had not been able to talk to Edward or Rose about what she had

said last night. I didn't know what I would have said to Edward about it anyway, so I said nothing. I let out a

deep breath I hadn't realized I had been holding and nodded to a bouncing Alice as I followed everyone out of

the bride's room, and took my father's awaiting arm.

Pachelbel's Canon in D major escorted the girls down the aisle, and before I knew it I heard Mendelssohn's

Wedding March ring loudly through the entire cathedral. I clutched Charlie's arm tightly as I heard the massive

swell of sound as people stood to watch us walk down the aisle. He patted my hand and spoke calmly to me as

we stepped over the threshold into the cathedral's main chamber.

“

You're OK, Bells. I'm right here.”

“

Dad,” I croaked.

“

You can do this, Bella. One foot in front of the other.”

Each of our footfalls sounded like bass drums in my ears. Why was I feeling this way?

31 

 

“

I...Dad...I don't know if I can do this,” I whispered.

I felt his hand tighten around my arm.

“

Just focus on Edward, baby. He loves you. He's up there waiting for you.”

I was taking small, shallow breaths, and I felt like I was moments from hyperventilating. I lifted my eyes to the

end of the aisle and locked onto a pair of glowing emerald ones. Edward was beaming as he watched me walk

toward him. Before I realized it Charlie had placed my hand in Edward's, and I saw tears filling his beautiful

green eyes. He was mine. He loved me. He was marrying me because he loved me not for any other reason.

At least, that's what I told myself to get through the ceremony.

~*~

“You have me, baby. I'm right here.” I could feel Edward shaking against my legs as he clutched them to his
chest.

“You're wrong. I don't know who you are anymore. I don't know if I ever really knew you.”

“You're the only one, Bella. The only one who ever did.” His hoarse whisper barely made it to my ears.

“Edward, you don't even know yourself. How can

I

? I don't even know who

I

am anymore!” I pulled myself away

from him and walked over to the broken glass and destroyed photos, nudging them with the toe of my shoe. “I
look at these pictures, and I see two people who are trying so hard to be what everyone wants them to be. I
can't do it anymore. We have nothing! We don't talk to each other, we don't...I just...I can't be this pretend
person in this pretend marriage anymore.”

“It's not fucking pretend to me.”

He was standing now, watching me examine the carnage he wrought. I was unable to keep my irritation out of
my voice when I spoke, his constant mood swings were giving me whiplash.

“What is it then, Edward? Tell me. Tell me what I am to you other than a show piece. Another thing in your
collection of items that lets the world see Edward Cullen is everything his mother ever wanted him to be.”

“Leave my mother out of this” he hissed.

“How can I, Edward? Everything you've ever done has been for

her

! To gain

her

approval.” I screamed at him.

“If that was the case I never would have married you!”

We both froze at his words. Had he stabbed me in the heart, it would have hurt less.

“Bella, I...”

“No, Edward. No --you don't have to say anything else-- you've said enough.” I wiped violently at my face.
“You'll need a lawyer to look over the papers Angela Cheney is drafting. Let's just get this over with.”

I turned and ran back to the elevator, and somehow made it down to the lobby and into a cab. I barked out the

32 

 

first address that came to mind, and 20 minutes later the cab pulled to a stop in front of Rose and Emmett's
Wrigleyville home. I threw some cash at the driver, stumbled up the steps, and started pressing the buzzer
violently until I saw the hulking frame of my brother-in-law fill the foyer behind their front door.

"Bells?! What happ..." he asked as he opened the door, concern evident on his face.

I pushed past him without a greeting.

"Rose! Rose, where are you? I need you!" I cried out for her, tears blinding my vision.

"Bella! Oh my god! What happened" she cried as she flew down the narrow stairs.

"Edward knows I met with Angela. He's drunk. We fought."

I felt Emmett's large hands on my shoulders as he spun me around to face him.

"Did he hurt you? So help me, if that little fucker laid a hand on you, I'll--"

"No. No, he didn't hurt me, Em, not like that. He broke some things--said horrible things--but he didn't hit me
or anything."

He nodded and released me, running a hand angrily through his hair, a classic Cullen male trait of frustration.
"Well, uh, I guess you ladies have some things to talk about." He looked at me questioningly. I nodded my
assent.

"It's OK, Emmett, go to him."

Edward might have treated me like shit, but I couldn't help but think he'd need his brother right now.

I went into their living room and crawled onto their overstuffed leather couch. I heard Rose talking on the
phone.

"I don't care. Get over here and bring tequila. No, not for

me

, for

Bella

." She was silent for a moment and then

started again. "Listen, Mary Alice Cullen Whitlock, get your pixie ass over here and be with your sister! Fine. 30
minutes."

My thoughts were scattered, and I was sure my head was going to explode. I was divorcing Edward. I had been
so focused on that end for over a year and now it was here. He knew --everyone knew--it was no longer this
thing I let eat away inside me, but I hadn't thought of what would happened after. What would I do? Did I want
to stay in Chicago? I didn't know if I'd still have my job. My boss was pleased with me, promoting me steadily
through the years to vice president, but I didn't know if his relationship with Carlisle would supersede my history
at the company. Did I really care? I had never wanted to be in the financial industry. Losing my job wouldn't be
so bad, right?

"Here, drink this." Rosalie thrust a glass filled with a clear liquid in it.

"What is it?"

"Do you really care?"

33 

 

Realizing she was right, I threw the liquid down my throat and coughed violently. "Jesus, Rose! What was that?
Moonshine?"

"Bella. Where would I get moonshine?"

Rose's flat delivery struck something inside of me, and I began to howl with laughter. That's how a shocked Alice
found me approximately a half-hour later, rolling around Rose's living room laughing so hard I crying.

"Oh my god! I had no idea she was this bad off. Bella! Bella, it will be OK. I'm so sorry I didn't call you back. Oh,
Bella, I love you so much." I could feel her tears dripping onto my arms as she wrapped me in her small, but
terrifyingly strong arms.

Rose tried calming her down. "She's not crying sad tears, Alice. She's laughing."

"Laughing?! What the hell is there to

laugh

about" Alice demanded, pulling away from me and locking her bright

blue eyes on mine.

I tried to calm myself with a few deep breaths. "Hi, Ally." I let out another deep breath. "I'm glad you're here."
Her delicate lips turned down into a frown.

"What is there to laugh about, Bella? You're divorcing my big brother. You're breaking up our family. I'm really
mad at you!"

"I know you are, and I'm sorry. I'm not laughing about divorcing Edward--I can't cry over this anymore. I've
been crying for so long now; I feel like that's all I ever do. I've tried, Ally, but we have just drifted too far apart.
I have no idea who he is, no idea who

I

am. He's so unhappy with his life that it's spilled over onto everything.

I can't find that beautiful boy anymore. That's what kept me going all these years; when I needed him, that
beautiful, caring boy I fell in love with would be there and hold me, and I'd know that all the things I hated about
my life were worth it to be with him. I don't have that anymore."

As she was contemplating what I had said, I could see the gears turning behind her lovely blue eyes. I adored
this girl, my sister in my heart, but Edward was her real brother. If she walked away from me I would not hold
it against her in the slightest. She pursed her ruby red lips and reached into her giant handbag, pulling out a
bottle of El Tesoro Platinum.

"I brought Tequila."

As I watched my loyal Rosalie grab some glasses and my brave Alice crack the bottle's cap, a surprising thought
popped into my head unbidden. God, I was going to miss them...because I suddenly knew...I was leaving them
all.

~*~

Chapter 5

June 13, 2008

“Bella, you have a delivery.” Seth's voice over the intercom broke the hollow silence that filled my office.

“Thanks, Seth. Can you bring it in?”

34 

 

I heard my door open and turned from my view of downtown to watch Seth walk swiftly to my desk and placed
a courier's envelope on it, Rosalie's firm's logo embossed prominently on the top left corner. I was expecting the
final divorce papers to be delivered today, but was not prepared for how surreal the moment was. I exhaled a
shallow breath I didn't realize I had been holding.

“Thank you, Seth.”

“Wow.” He let out a low whistle as he looked around the barren office. It was my last day as an employed
person, and I had spent days clearing out nine years worth of tchotchkes and other assorted crap that I had
unwittingly accumulated. After my night of drunken wallowing five months ago with Alice's bottle of premium
tequila --that I ended up drinking alone-- I realized I had to leave. I needed to figure out who I really was, and
I couldn't do that in Chicago. I loved my family --and they were

my

family-- but my presence post-divorce would

make everyone uncomfortable. Edward and I needed time and space to restart our lives. Being in the same
vicinity would only slow the process.

We had taken enough time from each other.

During my tequila-fueled stupor I had realized that I no longer knew anything about of the world, outside of
foreign financial markets, or about myself. Growing up in the moss-covered and fog-filled Northwest I had
always dreamed of seeing what other colors the world held. Moving to the Midwest gave me only more green
and gray. I needed to bring some new colors into my life and see what they sparked. Five months of planning
had culminated into my last day of work and my last day of my marriage falling on the same day-- just two weeks
shy of our seven-year wedding anniversary.

I looked up at my faithful assistant, my friend. Seth had been more than amazing during the transition of my
accounts to other VPs.

“Sit down, Seth.”

He looked at me warily. He had never once asked what would happen to him when I left. I had told him not to
worry when the transition had began, but hadn't given him any specifics about his future at the firm.

“I'm sorry I didn't do this sooner; I'm sure you've been worried. I apologize. Your work during my transition has
been stellar. I've talked with Aro, and he agrees that you deserve a promotion, so effective next week the
newest account manager at VWM is none other than my very dear friend, Seth Clearwater.”

Seth's face broke into a wide grin, “Are you freakin' serious, Bella?”

I laughed at his enthusiasm. “Very. You've earned it, Seth. Truly.”

He laughed a bit, too. “I don't know what to say. I wasn't sure if I'd get the boot or be made to work for 'Jane
the Pain'.”

I smirked at his nickname for another VP that we all detested. “Come on. You know I'd never subject you to her
brand of torture.”

“Thank you, Bella. Really, I'm...just...thanks.”

“You're welcome, but my part was minor. HR will be sending down a packet with the details, but I know you'll
be happy. I've also got this for you.”

35 

 

I reached into the top drawer and pulled out an envelope. I slid it over to him.

“Open it outside, and don't say a word to me about it.” I tried to sound stern.

He took the envelope and folded it before placing it in his pants pocket. It was a healthy share of my final bonus.
I couldn't have gotten through the last six months without him, and I needed to let him know in a tangible way
how much I truly appreciated him. I walked around the bare desk to where he was sitting, and he stood,
towering above me.

I wrapped my arms around him, and he did the same to me. Seth might have been my subordinate, but he was
also my friend. I would miss being near his gentle soul on a daily basis. No words were needed as he turned and
made his way back to his desk, shutting the door behind him. Alone once again I walked back to my desk and
grabbed the awaiting envelope. Sliding a finger underneath the flap to break the seal, I pulled out the blue
backed papers.
Dissolution of Marriage

I slowly released my breath as those words sunk in and gave the papers a cursory review. I reached the final
page and focused on the red “sign here” arrows next to Edward's name and my new name. A thought flooded
my mind, and I automatically picked up the phone and dialed. One ring and I heard his voice answer.

“Bella?”

“Hi, Edward.”

“Is everything...are you OK?”

“Yes, I'm sorry to bother you, but the papers were just delivered.”

I was met with silence.

“Edward?”

“Yes, I'm here. I'm not quite sure what you want me to say.”

I rubbed the back of my neck in irritation and embarrassment. “You don't have to say anything, I just wondered
--never mind, it wasn't important-- I'll let you...”

“No, no. Tell me, Bella.”

The words tumbled from my mouth. “I wondered if you would want to sign them together?”

I heard his sharp intake of breath. I knew my idea was unorthodox, but there was a part of me that felt that we
had started this marriage together, and we might as well end it that way, too. I had no idea where the desire had
come from. The apathy that had surrounded me for so long made the fact that Edward and I hardly interacted
at all during the last six months something I cared little about. We rarely saw each other. I never checked his
room, but I assumed he slept in the on-call room more than in our condo. I had spent the time preparing for my
departure, yet there was a feeling in the pit of my stomach that completing this last thing with Edward was
important.

36 

 

“Bella, I...I don't know. I have a surgery I need to scrub in for. I know you're in a rush to get this over with...”

“No, that's not the reason. Like I said, it's not a problem. I'll sign them and have them sent to your attorney's
office.”

“That's fine. Uh...”

“I'm leaving, Edward,” I interrupted.

More silence. “I know. Alice told me.”

“I meant, I'm leaving tonight. I'm flying out to Seattle and staying with Charlie for a bit.”

“I, uh...tonight? What time?” Edward seemed surprised at my news, almost as if he hadn't expected it.

“I should be out of the condo by 6:00 in order to get to the airport in time for my flight.”

I had never meant for things to end this way, not just for today, but for our whole marriage. There were so many
thing I wanted to say to Edward, but the heartache and disappointment and resentment had whittled me down
to indifference. I couldn't avoid it any longer...I was done fighting the things I couldn't control.

Edward cleared his throat. “I have to go, but I'll be there.” There was a rough quality to his voice that I
recognized as regret.

“I can just leave the keys. Don't bother yourself...”

“I'll be there, Isabella,” he said softly.

“Alright, well, um, I hope everything goes OK with your surgery. I, uh, I'll see you tonight then.”

The connection ended sharply, and I shook my head. Why could he never say “goodbye”?

I grabbed a pen and swiftly signed my name on the papers without giving myself another second to think. It had
been awhile since I had signed “Swan,” but the muscle memory was still there. I quickly placed the documents
back in the envelope and walked them out to Seth's desk.

“These need to be sent by courier to Edward's attorney. You still have the address?”

“I got it, Bella. No worries.”

I nodded my acknowledgment and strode back into my empty office, shutting the door. I was once again
Isabella Marie Swan.

The rest of my workday went smoothly. After my exit interview I turned in all of my access cards and my laptop.
I was kind of thrilled to be ditching the POS Dell, as I had purchased a new Mac Air Book for my trip, and I loved
the damn thing with a passion already. Paired with my new 3G iPhone, I felt like I could be anywhere in the
world and be completely connected, one facet of my life I wasn't quite ready to give up.

I hugged Seth goodbye, promised to stay in touch, and left the job that had been so good to me, but that I had
never really appreciated. The unnaturally brisk evening air complimented my numb mindset as I walked the few

37 

 

blocks from the Hancock building to the Fordham. I made my way up to the penthouse for the last time and
walked by a few small stacks of boxes and several garment bags on a brass luggage cart in the foyer. Alice and
Jasper were in the sitting room waiting for me.

“Hi guys.” I smiled wanly at them as I placed my bag at my feet.

Alice jumped up and embraced me. Her fierce little hug brought all my emotions to the surface, but I held them
in.

No more tears,no more tears,

I kept repeating to myself.

“Thank you for finishing packing and for storing the boxes for me.”

“Sure, Bella. It's not a problem.” Jasper nodded to me and rubbed my arm, and I felt an immediate sense of calm
envelope me. Jasper was good at that. He just had this ability to take control of a situation. I guess that is why
he was so good at his job. Not just anyone can be a SWAT Team hostage negotiator for the Chicago Police
Department.

Over the last few weeks I had been reducing the amount of personal items I owned. I donated almost all of my
work clothes and related shoes and accessories to Poised for Success, a local charity that would give them to
women in need who were entering the job market. However, there were a few things Alice refused to let me get
rid of, claiming they were timeless pieces. I acquiesced because if I didn't she'd only go out and buy
replacements for me. My Hermes Birkin was coming with me though. That bag was my baby. OK, I kept a Kelly
bag and my Louis Vuitton, too, but those were wrapped securely in their dust covers in one of the boxes in the
foyer.

All other clothing items were donated to Goodwill except for the few I had kept to take with me. I had decided
to travel light and see where the wind blew me. This trip was about discovering things about myself, and I didn't
want a bunch of luggage weighing me down. Alice took this as a personal mission to find me the “right travel
bag” and the “right travel clothes.” I think she might have vomited a little in her mouth when I told her anything
I took had to be able to be washed in a hotel bathroom sink with a bar of soap. I didn't want to have to find a
dry cleaners in some foreign country. She finally relented and ended up being an immeasurable amount of help.
The crafty little pixie also found some travel-sized laundry soap sheets that she demanded I take and I was
actually quite grateful for them.

Jasper glanced at his watched, and then up at me. I nodded. My time with them, for now, was at an end. We
walked over to the elevator, and Jasper pressed the call button.

“Bella, I left your satchel in the sitting room, and it's all packed. I

might

have found a few things this week that

you must have on your trip. Don't complain, you'll thank me for them. Trust me,” she said tapping a finger
against her temple.

Thanking her was easier than fighting her, so I gave her a tight hug and helped Jasper navigate the cart and his
tearful wife into the waiting elevator car.

Before he stepped inside he gathered me in a tight hug and whispered in my ear, "We're always here for you,
darlin. Never forget that."

“I'll miss you both,” my voice hitched with emotion. Jasper rubbed my arm and then joined his wife.

Alice simply nodded and clutched Jasper's side. “E-mail me or call. Anytime, 'kay?”

38 

 

“Same. OK? Who knows where I'll be, but I'll answer.” I smiled. “Bye,” I whispered.

I blew them both a kiss off my fingertips and watched as the doors slid silently closed. Less than a minute later,
I heard Rihanna's “Umbrella” begin playing, and I smiled. I made my way back to the sitting room and dug my
iPhone out of my bag and wondered how the hell she had manged to add that ring tone. I looked down to see
Alice's pink lipstick puckered face staring back at me.

“Hi, Ally.” The girl was a nut, but I loved her dearly and would miss her terribly.

“Just testing. You passed.”

I couldn't help but laugh. “I love you.”

“Love you, too. Call me when you get to Charlie's, or if you see something you have to tell me about during the
drive.”

“I promise if I see anything of note in the pitch black of nowhere Washington, you'll be the first one I call.”

A dull beep rang in my ear, and I pulled the phone away to see Rose's picture.

“I gotta go, A. That's Rose.”

“Fine,” she huffed. “Call me!”

“Bye, Alice.”

I accepted Rosalie's call.

“Hi Rose.”

“Angela got a call from Edward's attorney. He's going to sign them on Monday.”

“What are you doing at work?!” I asked incredulously.

“I'm not, I'm home. I told Angela to call me when she heard anything.”

“How's my godson?”

“Gorgeous, just like his daddy.”

Rosalie had given birth to Joshua Hale Cullen six weeks early. He came screaming into the world in the early
morning hours of May 13th, exactly one month ago, but from his size he didn't look like a preemie. He weighed
7 pounds and had a full head of dark curly hair. There was no doubt who the baby resembled; he was a
mini-Emmett from head to toe. A prouder papa was not to be found. Rosalie, a proud mama in her own right,
had stuck by our friendship and last Saturday Joshua had been baptized with Edward and me as the godparents.
Esme had politely ignored my existence, and Edward and I had managed to be civil for the sake of Rose and
Emmett. We all knew that this arrangement could lead to discomfort in the future, but Alice told me that Rose
had announced at a Sunday dinner just after Joshua's arrival that this was the way it was going to be and not
even Esme had the stones to stand up to a hormonal Rosalie.

39 

 

“When's your flight again?” Rosalie tried to sound unaffected, but I knew my leaving was hard on her. The only
reason I had even considered staying was to be here for Rosalie and my godson, but in the end she told me she
understood my reasons for leaving. For the past month I had spent a few evenings a week at Rose and Em's
place watching Joshua so that they could have some adult time out of the house together. Joshua and I had
come to an agreement. I would hold him and never stop moving the entire time I was there, and he would sleep
quietly with a pacifier in his mouth. I adored him.

“Eight. I'm heading out as soon as Edward gets here and I give him the keys.”

“Christ on a bike, what are you going to say to him? 'Have a nice life'?”

I cringed. “I have no idea what I'll say, if anything. I'm giving him the keys, and then that's it. God, Rose, it's so
fucking unreal. I'm divorced, well, almost, but still...”

“Look, Bella. You ended up doing the right thing. I mean, neither of you have tried very damn hard over the last
few years, and you let your marriage die on the vine. No reason for you both to suffer any longer than you
already have.”

For as much as I loved Rosalie, her ability to cut to the quick sometimes made me want to slap her, but I couldn't
argue with her. I hadn't tried very hard and now that it was over there was a little part of me that began to turn
that tiny piece of doubt about all of this over and over in my mind.

“I...”

The sound of the elevator doors opening stopped my train of thought.

“He's here, Rose. I'll call you back.”

I ended the call and put my phone back in my bag. I grabbed the packed duffel Alice left for me and my purse
and started walking toward the foyer where Edward had appeared.

“Hello, Bella.”

He looked exhausted. I wanted to ask about his sleep, but stopped myself. That was no longer any of my
concern.

“Edward.” I gave him a weak smile. “I have the keys and the security card right here.”

I began digging in my bag and found my keys. The only ones left on there were for this building as I had sold
my car a week ago. I set them on the table and began digging in my wallet for the building's access keycard. I
held it out to him, but he refused to take it. He looked pained as he motioned for me to set it down on the table
by the keys.

“Well, I guess that's it then,” I mumbled, "um, alright. I...take care." It came out as a whisper and I don't know
if he heard me or not.

I placed the keycard on the entry table and grabbed the handle of my satchel and hung my Birkin over my other
arm. My eyes locked on his as he held the elevator doors open for me.

“Be safe.”

40 

 

His voice was empty and flat. I knew he meant it, but the last year and a half had been draining for both of us.

I couldn't manage any other words. I was all talked out. I closed my eyes and gave him a slight nod in
acknowledgment as I stepped into the waiting elevator. I didn't look up as the heavy doors slid closed and I
began my descent. I was surprised I didn't feel more pain, but then again, my heart was so numb I doubted
much could make me feel anything now.

~*~


EPOV

She was gone.

I had lost her.

I slid down the entry hall wall, physically unable to stand any longer, and stared at the closed steel doors in front
of me.

What the hell had I done?

Nothing, you asshole, you did nothing.

I swallowed the large lump that filled my throat. The quiet that permeated the penthouse was grave and
suffocating. I was truly alone, and I'd done nothing to stop it from happening.

She was gone.

I had lost her.

My iPhone buzzed in my pocket. I knew it would be Alice, but I couldn't talk to her. Not now. I somehow
managed to get up and stumble to the master bedroom--just my room now. Bel --no, too soon for her name--

she

had cleared out all her personal items. The only thing that remained was her faint smell. I laid down on what

was no longer

our

bed and buried my face in the floral and berry scent that covered her pillow and finally let the

tears come...tears I had been suppressing for six months. Tears turned to racking sobs. The doctor in me
logically knew that I would survive, but my heart truly felt like it was about to stop beating and my pumping
blood felt ice cold.

She was gone.

I had lost her.

And I was dying inside.

Chapter: 7

July 20, 2008

I dug through the Kung Pao Shrimp in front of me looking for more shrimp. They never give you enough. If I
wanted Kung Pao Green Peppers that's what I would have fucking ordered. I took a long pull off the Tsingtao
and drained it. Reaching for the six-pack I saw I was on my last one. I flipped off the cap and took another long

41 

 

drink. Damn, that shit was smooth. The sound of the elevator doors opening drew my attention to the doorway
of the kitchen. Fucking Alice.

My sister came striding into my kitchen with murder in her eyes.

“What the fuck, Edward?” She gestured to the piles of take-out strewn about the counters.

I shrugged my shoulders and stuffed half an egg roll in my mouth. I didn't bother to close my mouth when I
chewed it.

“Why does your house look like a bomb struck it? Where's Olga? And where the fuck have you been?”

“I let Olga go, and I've been working. It's what adults do, Alice. We have jobs.”

She stuck her slim middle finger in the air and gestured in my direction.

“I have a job, asshat, not that you'd know. Thanks for showing up to my opening, big brother. It was mighty kind
of you, and what the hell do you mean you 'let Olga go'”?

Fuuuccckkkk. Alice's store opening. I'd forgotten all about it, though I didn't see how I'd managed to. The
she-gnat had been calling me incessantly about it for weeks.

“Christ. I'm sorry, Alice. It slipped my mind.”
“Uh-huh, back to Olga. Does Mom know?”

“No and she doesn't need to. Olga's daughter had twins so she needed to spend more time with them. I said
'fine, spend all your time with them.' I haven't gotten around to replacing her.”

The last thing I wanted to do right now was interview housekeepers. I drained the last of my beer and headed
to the bar in the living room with Alice hot on my heels. Bottles lined every available surface. Too bad they were
all empty.

“Edward!” Alice exclaimed when she surveyed the carnage. “That's it. I'm calling Mom. This has gone on too
long. Snap the fuck out of it! Bella's gone, OK? She's not coming back and you living like a bum isn't going to
change that!”

I poured some Knob Creek in a tumbler and added a splash of water. I swallowed it down in one bitter gulp and
slammed the glass on the bar.

“Why don't you tell me how you really feel, Alice?” I shouted at her. “You don't think I know my wife is gone?
You don't think that I understand she's not coming back, that she divorced me and is doing fuck knows what
now?”

Alice squirmed a little and shot me a concerned look, but quickly returned to her pissed state. Alice was an oddity
to be sure.

“I'm sorry, Edward,” she huffed. “I know you're hurting, but it's been over a month. All you do is work. You miss
Sunday dinners; you haven't made any of the Cubs games at Emmett's. We're worried.”

I ran my hand through my hair and growled a little, frustrated at being called out.

42 

 

“I know I'm behaving like an ass, but the last thing I want to do is be around three happy couples, one of whom
just had a child, even if you are my family. I just lost

my

future-- she walked out on me-- I'm really fucking sorry

if that puts you out, Alice.”

I heard Alice gasp and managed to focus my blurry gaze on her long enough to see her face masked in horror.

“You're bleeding, Edward.”

Looking down I saw that I was indeed bleeding. Confused, I looked at the tumbler I had been holding and saw
the crack. It must have cut me when I slammed it down.

“I'll go get something to clean that up with,” Alice said hurriedly as she sat her phone in front of me on the bar
and ran to the bathroom.

Huh. I had to be really fucking drunk to not feel that. I watched the rivulets of blood trail down my hand and arm,
changing courses as the blood ran into the hairs. Alice's phone chirped, and I unconsciously looked at the
iPhone's screen as it lit up. It was a new email message.

[Wild Swan Wandering] has been updated with a new post.

What. The. Fuck? Wild Swan? Bella?! The words illuminated from the screen as if they were taunting me.

Before I could find out what the hell the e-mail was about Alice came bounding back into the room with purpose
in her step and cotton balls, hydrogen peroxide, Neosporin, and Band-Aids clutched in her hands.

“I figured this would work. Am I right, doctor?” She smiled.

“Yes. That's fine. Thank you, Alice.” I took the items from her and began cleaning up the small cut.

“Look, Edward,” Alice began. “I'm sorry I came in here all charged up, but I'm really hurt that you missed the
opening of my studio.”

I sighed in frustration. I was never able to stay angry long in Alice's presence, and this was no different.
“I know, and I am sorry. I didn't intend to; I promise. I'll stop by on my next day off, OK?”

“What about now? Obviously you don't have to go to work, so why don't you come with me. You can stay the
night with me and Jasper. We can hang out, and I'll give you your own private tour of 'M.A.D.'.”

I looked into my baby sister's blue eyes and couldn't find the heart to deny her, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't
have ulterior motives. Nodding my head, I stood up and followed a clapping Alice to the elevator. She chatted
incessantly as we drove up Lake Shore Drive on our way to Evanston. I heard none of it.

Wild Swan Wandering

What the hell was that? It had to have something to do with Bella. While she was packing her things to move
out, I had found the battered copy of Edna St. Vincent Millay's poetry I had given her for Christmas so many
years ago. Seeing it was bittersweet. I remembered how happy she had been to get it--after getting over being
pissed that I had given it to her early. She had been going to Jacksonville that Christmas to be with Renee and
her step-father, Phil. I selfishly wanted her to think of nothing but me the entire time she was gone, as I would

43 

 

be thinking of nothing but her. We'd made love into the early morning hours on that awful twin bed in her room
at the sorority before I kissed her goodbye, snuck out of the house, and made my way back to my own home
on the other side of the lake. That was over eleven years ago. Eleven years and Bella had been my everything--
everything I did was for our future. My sole desire had been for us to carve out a life that befitted us. How had
it gone to hell?

Alice told me she gave Bella the book. I didn't know why I hadn't been able to give it to Bella myself. No, that
was bullshit. I knew exactly why I hadn't been able to give it to Bella myself. I was too fucking scared to give it
to her, but I had wanted her to have that book with her instead of it sitting in some box, and I had it bound so
that it would stay intact. I chose the swan for the cover because of the poem-- even though it was fucking killing
me-- Bella was only doing what she felt was right. I just didn't know what else I could do. I was so insanely busy
with my residency; It was all there was time for anymore. I didn't do anything for myself, and that meant I didn't
do anything for Bella either. I was so sure she'd wait. So sure that our lifestyle was enough to hold her, but I was
wrong. There was nothing I could do to fix our marriage so I let her divorce me. At least she deserved a shot at
happiness even if it wasn't with me.

Alice whipped into her driveway and jolted me out of my thoughts as she continued the conversation she
assumed we were having. I followed her out of the car to the backyard and found Jasper wearing one of his
Chicago P.D. SWAT t-shirts and manning the grill.

“Edward! Good to see you.” He clapped me on the back a few times.

“You too, Jasper. That smells really good.” I acknowledged the giant piece of meat cooking on the grill.

“That's my grandpappy Whitlock's secret Texas BBQ Rub, son. You'll never have anything to eat better than that
right there.” He gestured a cooking fork at the Rib-eye steak the size of my head.

“Looks great, Jazz. I'm going to go make a salad,” Alice said, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek, lingering for
just a moment. I could tell she was holding back from showing him anymore affection for my sake. “Edward,
make yourself at home.”

She left me on the deck with Jasper who I could tell looked a bit concerned about my disheveled appearance.

“Rough shift?” he asked, taking a drink of his Shiner Bock. He gestured to the small stainless steel fridge, letting
me know I could help myself. I grabbed a cold one and used the bottle opener mounted to the side of the house.
The cap dropped into a University of Texas garbage can. It was one cap among many. Jasper might have left
Texas, but Texas most certainly hadn't left Jasper. Alice allowed him his “stuff” but only as long as it didn't ruin
any of her design aesthetic. The deck and grill area had been claimed as “man territory.” From the amount of
bottle caps in the trash, it seemed Jasper spent a fair amount of time out here.

“They are all rough.” I drank the cool, coppery liquid down and my headache began to feel better, but now I had
to take a leak. Setting my beer down and nodding my head toward the house to let Jasper know where I was
going, I bypassed the water closet on the main floor and headed upstairs to a bathroom closer to Alice's office.

After relieving myself, I slowly walked into Alice's work space. The walls were covered in sketches and there
were several dress forms sheathed in her new design ideas. I saw her Mac and watched the photos of her and
Jasper flash on the screen. I gently touched the mouse and found myself face to face with Alice, Rose, and Bella.
It was a picture from Alice's wedding. The three of them had goofy grins as they all held out their hands,
showing their wedding bands. Alice had been so excited to join the “married girls' club”; I felt my throat
tightening as I realized that Bella had wanted out of that particular club even back then. Forcing myself to pay

44 

 

attention to what I had come in for, I navigated to Alice's mail program and found the e-mail I was looking for.
Opening it, I saw it contained a link to a blog site. I clicked and waited for the page to load. What I saw felt like
a kick to my balls.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Oia

Oh my gosh! It is so beautiful here. I'm totally exhausted from the trip, but the past few days have been great.

I just got in from dinner, things run SO late here, and have some fantastic news. It truly is a small world, as I

literally ran into people I know, Peter and Charlotte!! (A&J - did you know they were sailing a boat to New

Zealand?!?!) I'm exhausted, but I know I've been remiss in updating this since my arrival. I have a ton of photos

so far, but haven't had time to download them. I'll try to do that in the next few days, but I just wanted to let

you know I got here safe and am enjoying myself.

I hope all of you are well.

Love,

Bella.

P.S. Jasper - I found this AMAZING bookshop, Atlantis Books, and one of the owners helped me find your book!

I put it in the post today. It's the original Greek text so have fun with it! :)

Posted by Wild Swan at 1:21 AM on July 21, 2008

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

"a?t??"

I leave tomorrow morning, bright and horrifically early for my flight to Thira. I have to change planes in Newark

and Athens, so I am glad I made the decision to travel light.

I'm staying at the most adorable little hotel called the Aris Caves. I have Haus 7 - the Nest reserved and I'm

actually quite giddy with excitement. I promise to take lots of pictures and post them as I can.

Thank you all for the emails and well wishes for my journey.

Love,

Bella.

posted by Wild Swan at 12:22 PM on Jul 16, 2008

Jasper said...

Bella,

I noticed in the mad flurry of Alice's Google quest for the best shopping locations that Oia has some really

45 

 

remarkable book and art shops. If you happen to come across Miltos Sachtouris' collected works, entitled

Poems

, (either the Greek or the Karen Emmerich English-translated version) would you pick it up for me? I've

always been fascinated with how Sachtouris' poetry captured the essence of war, and you might have a better

chance finding his works in an actual Greek shop than I have with our local bookstores.

Remember to travel safe, darlin', and I look forward to seeing your pictures of this famous sunset.

-Jasper

PS: Alice is making me remind you to call her "as soon as you get off the plane."

I stopped reading as I felt my gut turn to stone. Bella was in Greece.

Greece

. Bella flew to Greece--by

herself

.

She had a blog that my siblings obviously all knew about, but they'd kept it from me. I didn't know whether to
be angry or thankful. I studied her words and felt the excitement in them, but that wasn't what moved me most.
It was the title of her blog. She used the title of the Millay poem. That had to mean something, didn't it? But
what?

Bella went to Greece.

I remembered when we all watched that movie with Angelina Jolie, and Bella had fallen

in love with one of the locations used. She had suggested taking a trip there, but I was in the middle of my
residency and there was just no way we could go. There would be time after I finished, I told her, but I had seen
in her eyes that excuse was becoming tiresome. She had Alice and Rose over one night, and they were cuddled
together on the couch watching some teenager movie about pants or something, and Santorini was a featured
location. She mentioned the possibility of a trip to me again, and I remember I lost my temper with her. I had
had a particularly bad loss on the operating table that day, and it felt like she kept setting me up to disappoint
her. I just lost it. Bella never mentioned Greece to me again. That was over two years ago, and now she was
there and I was here. Alone.

Realizing I had been away for entirely too long, I set Alice's computer back the way I found it and headed back
downstairs suddenly completely pissed. I couldn't believe Alice had fucking kept this from me. What else did she
know about Bella that she hadn't told me? Fuck, she was

my

sister. She was supposed to be on

my

side, not

Bella's, but both she and Jasper were all “have a good time, send us shit, blah, blah, blah.” What the fuck was
I even doing here tonight? If they wanted Bella--fine. I wasn't going to waste my time.

Fuck. Alice had driven me here.

I stalked through the kitchen and saw through the French doors a smiling Alice sitting on a deck chair next to
Jasper. His hand was lazily drawing circles on her arm, and they were sharing a private laugh. I threw open the
doors, and they both stopped and turned to look at me.

“Everything OK, Edward?” Alice asked, her voice filled with concern.

“Fine. Everything is fine.” I forced the lie out. “I'm...I'm going to go.”

“What? Why? You just got here. You haven't even seen M.A.D.,” she cried.

“Later, Alice. I'll take the L back downtown. Don't bother getting up,” I spat, storming down the stairs of their
deck toward the sidewalk.

“Edward! Wait up, my man,” Jasper called after me. “Edward! Stop.” He reached out and put a hand on my
shoulder to slow me down.

46 

 

“Jasper, leave me be.” I turned, but didn't look up. “I just want to go home. I never should have let Alice drag
me up here.”

I felt his stare on me, but refused to meet his eyes. Jasper had a way of seeing into your soul, and right now I
didn't want to deal with him knowing how betrayed I felt.

“Look, Edward, just stay. Have some dinner with us. Alice misses you.”

“

Look, Jasper

. I want to go home. I'm going to go home. I don't need my sister's and your pity. I'm fine. Now

please take your hand off of me, and leave me the fuck alone.”

Instead of releasing me he stepped in closer and lowered his voice.

“I don't know what the fuck just happened to piss you off, and I don't really give a shit, but I do care about my
wife's feelings and right now those are hurt. Get the fuck over yourself, son.”
“Maybe I've just decided I would rather be alone. Is that alright with you,

Detective Whitlock

? Am I free to go?”

I knew I was being an asshole, but I didn't care. I just wanted to go home. I finally raised my eyes up to Jasper's
and was not surprised at the anger burning there. I knew Jasper was fiercely protective of Alice and after
ignoring her for the past month, missing her opening, and now bailing on tonight, she must have been so hurt
and confused, but I had to get out of here. I'd apologize Alice later.

“Jasper, just let me go.”

He removed his hand and stepped back, but made no move to leave. Our eyes stayed locked, and I could see
his resolve forming. When he finally spoke, it sent chills down my spine.

“Alice will forgive you a million times over, Edward, she loves you, but trust me on this one thing. If you continue
to hurt her like this, I'll end you.”

“Are you

threatening

me?” I asked, stunned at his nerve.

“No, son, that's a promise.” He looked me up and down and shook his head slowly. “Pull your shit
together--you're a goddamn mess. Get home safe now.”

Jasper turned abruptly and strode back toward the house. I made my way the several blocks to the L station and
thought about Bella's blog as I rode the Purple Line to Howard Station. Switching over to the Red Line, I
continued to think about how she had seemingly moved on in the last month and was now on this overseas
adventure. I was surprised she had decided to do something so spontaneously--it was unlike her, but maybe I
didn't know her like I thought I did. As we neared the Addison stop I considered getting off and going to Emmett
and Rose's as I hadn't seen Joshua in weeks. Some piece-of-shit godfather I had turned out to be. I made no
move to get off the train though and watched ambivalently as the doors closed. Rose and Emmett knew about
the blog as well and had said nothing. They were obviously on Bella's side, too.

The rest of the ride downtown was a blur. My thoughts were muddled and confused. I was furious with my
family for their continued friendship with Bella, but at the same time I was still grateful they were in her life,
supporting her. I knew they loved her and that she returned their love. I wouldn't want her to be without that,
but it still stung. I was proud of her for taking this trip and starting her blog. Her love of writing had never
wavered, but there was just never any time for it; now obviously there was. Warring with my pride for her was
my intense desire to scream at her for being such a selfish bitch for leaving me and doing this without me. I no

47 

 

longer knew which way was up. I had worked so hard my entire life to get to where I was, and I was alone and
miserable. I had only a few more months on my residency. My fucking residency. I didn't even know if I wanted
to be a surgeon anymore. Had I ever really wanted to be one in the first place? Bella's words about my mother
rang in my memory.

“Everything you've ever done has been for her! To gain her approval.”

~*~

June 20, 1987

I woke up and threw off my covers. I ran downstairs as fast as my now 10-year-old legs would carry me. I could

smell the chocolate chip pancakes as I hit the bottom. Tearing into the kitchen, I saw my whole family gathered

around the table.

“

Happy Birthday, Edward!” my five year-old sister Alice screamed.

Everyone was already up and had gotten my favorite breakfast ready to celebrate my birthday. Our housekeeper

Miss Olga was standing at the stove making more pancakes as my mother readied things on the table.

“

Happy Birthday, son.” My father smiled and pulled me into a hug. My birthday was on a Saturday this year so

he got to be here for it. I was so stoked to see him.

I saw stacks of presents on the table, and I could barely contain myself, but I knew we had to eat first before

opening any of them.

That was always the way things were done.

“

Can we eat now?” my older brother Emmett whined. For once his need to constantly eat was fine with me.

We sat around the table and talked as we enjoyed the delicious pancakes; all the while I eyed my present stash.

Alice managed to smear chocolate all over herself and she needed to be cleaned up before presents could be

opened. My mother didn't like people to be messy in photographs.

I was pretty happy with my birthday gifts. I got a handheld electronic fighter pilot game and Emmett was totally

jealous of me. I was enjoying watching the open envy on his face as I played it, but there was one more large

flat present to open. My mother slid it over to me, and I carefully unwrapped it. It was sheet music for all of

Claude Debussy's masterpieces for solo piano. I knew my piano teacher had told my mom I wanted this because

she had the same one, and it was all I wanted to play during my weekly lessons. Now I had my own, and I could

play it whenever I wanted.

“

Thank you! Can I go play it?” I begged.

“

Yeah, let him go play it,” Emmett said as he inched toward the forgotten pilot game.

“

Emmett,” our mother scolded. “Stop that. Yes, Edward, we'd love to hear you play.”

I got up from the table with the sheet music, stuck my tongue out at Emmett, and ran to the library where our

piano was. I threw the doors open and stopped in my tracks. In front of me was a black Bösendorfer concert

grand adorned with a giant red bow

.

I started to cry. I felt my mother come up behind me and wrap me in a hug.

48 

 

“

Happy Birthday, Edward.”

I turned into her hug. I looked up at her and whispered, “Is it really mine?”

She laughed and nodded her head while pushing me forward. I stumbled toward the piano and pulled out the

padded leather bench. I placed the sheet music on the holder and opened the lid slowly. It glided open smoothly

to reveal 97 gleaming keys. I had eight full octaves at my disposal. I didn't know what I had done to deserve this,

but I was so stoked to get it. I flipped open the sheet music to my mother's favorite piece, Clair de Lune. I began

to play and almost had to stop because the notes sounded so wonderful. I looked at my mother's face and saw

the tears and felt so proud. When I finished I stood and took a bow, hamming it up for my clapping family. I

walked over to my dad and gave him a hug, thanking him for my piano and then went over to my mother.

“

Someday when I'm a famous pianist I'll play that for you on the stage of the CSO, Mother.”

I saw her face change to a slight frown. She picked up my hands and held them in her own.

“

You play so beautifully, Edward, but these are surgeon's hands. Playing as you do only strengthens them for

what they are truly meant to do. You'll save lives with these hands someday, just like your father and his father

and his father before that.”

I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat. My parents had always encouraged me to play piano. For as far

back as I could remember, I had heard my mother and father say I'd one day be a doctor, but I had never really

paid it any attention. I had always gotten doctor's kits and stuff for Christmas, and I thought what my dad did

was cool, but I most loved playing piano. It was the only thing I wanted to do. Looking into my mother's face,

I suddenly knew what was expected of me. I could never think about becoming a concert pianist again. I would

continue to play, but only as a hobby--an escape. I knew I had to be a surgeon no matter what. I had an

obligation to my family, and I couldn't bear to disappoint my mother.

~*~

A commotion in the car took me from my memory. Looking out the window I saw U.S. Cellular Field, home of the
White Sox. I had ridden the train all the way to the South Side, well past my stop at Chicago. I realized I was in
a place I didn't belong, and I had no idea what I could do to get myself out if it.

~*~

AN: So Edward is clearly in the Depression stage in his grieving process, having already gone through Denial,

Anger, and Bargaining. This means the only step left is Acceptance, but we have another chapter to go before

he gets there.

Chapter: 8

AN: Okay - before you read the chapter, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read this note. This is the chapter that things

for Edward change, but he has to hit rock bottom first. I have always planned for this chapter to happen. One

of the things I am trying to achieve with this story is a sense of realism. I am not trying to do anything other than

tell a story of two adults who let their lives get away from them. This is a story about the journey and sometimes

on a long journey you go places you never thought you would, nor ever wanted to. I have gotten so many lovely

reviews from readers who are proud of Bella, and while I love what Bella is doing and plan on making her

journey just as meaningful, this story, for me, has always been about Edward. Edward is in a very dark place and

behaving in ways that are not the healthiest. Please understand that by the end of this chapter, Edward will go

49 

 

no lower, but he does have to go through this. I ask that you stick with me and I promise you'll be so proud of

him as we move forward. I hope this note wasn't excessively ominous, but I do care about you, dear reader, and

if you are like the majority of the other readers, this is going to sting a little. If you are not old enough to vote,

you shouldn't be reading this.

~*~

Saturday, August 9, 2008

The past three weeks had been a nightmare, and I was exhausted. If I wasn't in surgery, I was in front of a
computer reading Bella's blog over and over and waiting for an update. Something to tell me where she was
because a week ago she set sail to New fucking Zealand with Peter and his wife. She had only posted a few times
while in Greece, but I hadn't been able to get one small detail out of my head. Who the fuck is this Felix prick,
and why was my wife driving around on the back of his motorcycle?

She's not your wife anymore you blog-stalking freak.

My eyes drifted to the clock in the corner of my monitor, and I realized it was time for me to head over to Emmett
and Rose's. Emmett had stopped by the hospital yesterday and cornered me, making me agree to come to their
place to watch the Cubs game. I hadn't made a game all season, and Emmett lived for the Cubs--so much so that
he and Rose owned a townhouse with a rooftop view of Wrigley. I remember teasing Emmett about marrying
Rose just to get our mother and father to buy him that townhouse as their wedding gift. He gave me a punch
to the shoulder and told me to shut the fuck up, but then winked. I knew he was kidding, but I also knew Emmett
would have to be carried out of that house feet first before he'd ever sell it. He often said it was worth the taxes
and the hassle of living there because there was nothing like taking a dump in your own toilet during the
seventh-inning stretch. Sometimes I wondered how it was possible for us to have been raised in the same home.

I made my way to the Red Line and crammed into an already packed car, luckily choosing one with working
air-conditioning. The Cardinals fans were doing their best to ignore the already inebriated Cubs fans who were
making the trip north to Wrigley. Living in the Chicago area all my life, I had become immune to the Cubs fans
who go to Wrigley to drink Old Styles and be seen, so the ride in the overcrowded car was just more time for me
to obsess over Bella and what she was doing. She used to love coming to the games. She'd wear her pink Cubs
cap with her chocolate tresses pulled into a ponytail sticking out the back. She'd make me run down to the street
to buy peanuts even though Emmett had a full bar and more food than fifty people could eat. She said it wasn't
a baseball game without real stadium peanuts roasted in the shell. I didn't remember the last time we had gone
to a game at Emmett's; it had to have been last season sometime. Right?

The call for the Addison stop pulled me back to reality, and I followed the crowd out of the car to the station exit
and quickly made my way to Emmett and Rosalie's place. Saturday afternoons in Wrigleyville on a game day
were a madhouse, so I was thankful for the short walk. I found my brother on his front porch exchanging in
some "friendly" banter with some passing Cardinals fans. Emmett caught sight of me and roared.

"EDWARD!! You mother-fucker! You actually showed!" He laughed his deep laughs and grabbed me up in one
of his bone crunching hugs.

"Need the use of my arms, Emmett," I managed to say, using the last of the air in my lungs.

My oaf of a brother released me and put both of his giant paws on the sides of my face.

"I'm glad you're here, little brother. I've missed you."

50 

 

I tried to nod, but the idiot's mitts of steel held my head in place. He released me and pulled me into his side,
wrapping his arm around my shoulder and clamping a hand down on my shoulder. He steered us toward the
stairs inside that led to the roof.

"So, Eddie." He smiled at me, knowing I hated being called that. "There's more here for your enjoyment that
beer and brats, bro."

I looked at him quizzically, and he laughed at my confusion.

"Single chicks, bro. Hot. Single. Chicks."

I stiffened at his words, and whipped my head to look at him, my face conveying the extent of my ire. That
pig-fucker set me up to come to his house so he could parade women in front of me like all I needed to do to
forget Bella was meet someone new. I shook his hand off my shoulder and turned for the door.

"Edward!"

I heard my sister's voice calling me from upstairs. Fuck. I couldn't walk out on Alice-- not again. Swallowing my
anger, I shot Emmett one more livid glare before storming past him, reaching the second floor landing just as
Alice did.

"Oh, Edward. I'm so sorry," she cried as she wrapped me up in a hug.

We hadn't talked, not for lack of her trying, since the night at her house a few weeks ago. I knew I was being
an asshole. A recurring theme in my life at the moment. I let out a deep sigh. I knew I needed to fix this.

"No, Alice. I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me that night. I apologize for ruining the evening. Please forgive
me."

While I was lying to my sister about the why of my behavior, I wasn't being dishonest with my apology. I did care
that I had hurt her, and I knew I needed to talk to Jasper at some point in the night as well.

She grinned. "Of course I do, Edward. Come on, come upstairs. Rose has Joshua up there, and he's in the most
adorable little Cubs outfit. He has the bluest little eyes!" she squealed.

I smiled at her exuberance and let her pull me the remaining way up to the roof. Jasper was leaning against the
railing, and we gave each other a nod to indicate that things would be alright between us. Sitting next to him was
Rosalie holding my nephew. I was stunned. In the last few weeks the baby had grown so much. He looked just
like Emmett, and while I wanted to cut his father's nuts off, I couldn't help but smile at my gorgeous godson.
Rose turned to see me and a range of emotions washed through her violet eyes. I'd known Rosalie my entire life
and could read her almost as well as Emmett could. What I saw looking back at me now was a sister and a friend.
The smile on her face was genuine.

"I'm so glad you came, Edward. We've missed you. All of us," she said, standing and holding Joshua out to me.
Swallowing back the tears that were forming, I took the baby from her arms and held him close to me. I brought
his little head up to my nose and breathed in deeply. His little baby scent was enough to break open the dam.
I hunched my shoulders forward as the tears fell. I felt Rose's arm wrap around me and lead me to the sitting
room off the rooftop. She walked me over to a love seat and sat down with me.

51 

 

"I'm sorry, Rose," I said, holding Josh tighter to my chest.

"Why should you be sorry? My baby is so beautiful he makes you cry." She smiled her sanguine smile at me and
it worked. I chuckled through my tears. "I cry all the time looking at him. He looks just like, Emmett, doesn't he?"
she said with all the pride of a new mother.

"Yeah, poor kid," I joked, wiping the tears from my cheeks.

"Edward, I just want you to know that I love you. No matter what, you're my brother."

I knew this must have been hard on her, too. Rosalie had very few female friends in her life, and Bella was her
best friend; they were as close as sisters. I'd been so wrapped up in what the divorce meant to me I hadn't really
given much consideration to what my family was feeling. We heard a cackling laugh come from out on the
rooftop and both turned. I looked at Rosalie puzzled, but she just rolled her eyes.

"Your brother," she huffed, "thought it would be a good idea to invite some

people

from his office tonight."

"Yeah," I grumbled. "He mentioned that downstairs." I handed her back a now squirming and whimpering
Joshua.

"Look, I need to go feed this little piggy and put him down for a nap, but don't worry. Alice and I have no
intentions of letting

anyone

bother you tonight, alright?"

I nodded and made my way back outside, stopping at the bar to get a beer. I looked through the crowd of about
20 people and saw Jasper still leaning over the edge of the railing, so I grabbed another beer and made my way
over. I held the bottle out to him, and he took it. He tilted the neck back out to me and I clinked my own beer
against it.

"Zambrano's got the mound today," Jasper said before taking a sip.

He made no mention of my behavior the night in Evanston-- or our verbal exchange-- nor my outburst of a few
minutes ago, so I knew we'd be okay if he was ready to talk baseball. We talked about the season so far, and
I admitted I hadn't been keeping up with it much. Jasper filled me in on the new players, but his voice trailed off
as a tall blond in a very short skirt walked over to us.

"Hi, I'm Lauren," she said to me with a smirk. Jasper pulled the classic married guy move and ran his left hand
through his hair to prominently show off his platinum wedding band. Fucker. I had taken mine off the day I
signed the divorce papers. It was resting in the same drawer as Bella's rings, and I would have given anything
for it to be on my hand now as the looks this Lauren was giving me were terrifying. I'd never felt more exposed.

"Uh, nice to meet you, I, uh...excuse me."

I bolted through the sitting room and back down the stairs. Fuck this, I was out of here. Jasper could hold his
own; I had to save myself. I entered the kitchen to tell Emmett I was leaving, but found it empty. As I turned
to leave I heard Alice's voice come over the baby monitor sitting on the counter. I decided that if I wasn't above
blog-stalking, I wasn't above eavesdropping, although the rock that formed in my gut clued me into the fact I
probably wasn't going to like what I heard.

"He went with!?" my baby sister whispered fiercely.

52 

 

"That's what her e-mail said, Alice," Rose answered in a hushed tone.

"So he just picked up and decided to sail to New Zealand with all of them? Who does that? How can he do that?!

Why would Peter and Charlotte let that happen?" The anxiety in Alice's voice reached a fevered pitch as she

ended her string of questions.

I clutched at the edge of the counter as my vision began to dim, and I felt the bile rise in my throat. No. This
couldn't be happening.

Please

. Not my Bella.

"Alice, he's an actor, which translates into unemployed, so he can do whatever he wants, and apparently he

wants to sail on an incredible sailboat with our gorgeous, single friend."

"ROSE! How can you be so blase about this?" Alice hissed.

"Alice, what do you want me to do?! Bella is a big girl and obviously Peter and Charlotte trust him or they

wouldn't have let him sail with them," Rosalie hissed back.

"And what kind of name is Felix anyway?" Alice mumbled.

I could only hear the blood rushing in my ears now, but I didn't need to hear anymore of their conversation. My
heart was pounding, and it felt like my chest walls were going to break from the beating it was taking. This was
not the news I wanted to hear.

I turned from the kitchen and stumbled blindly back to the rooftop, weaving my way between people to make
my way to the bar. I grabbed a large pint glass and pulled the tap for the Goose Island 312.

Bella was on a boat in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea with some guy named Felix. Some douchebag out

of work Greek actor was fucking my wife on a boat in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea.

I sat on the bar stool and paid no attention to the game. I continued to refill my drink as soon as it was empty.
At some point both my siblings and their spouses came to talk to me, but I wasn't able to give them much of a
conversation. My mind was far away and focused on Bella. I felt a hand come down on my shoulder, and I turned
to see Jasper and my sister looking at me with concern.

"You alright out here, Edward?" he asked, his arm draped around Alice's shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm good. I'm just going to sit for a bit." I let out a small chuckle as the words left my mouth. They
rhymed and felt funny. That's when I knew I was drunk. "I'll be down in a little while," I slurred.

Alice's face was squished into a frustrated grimace. I knew she wanted to say something, but Jasper just nodded
his head at me and guided her into the house.

How the fuck did I get here? I never thought Bella was serious about divorcing me, when she told me the first
time, I honestly thought that was ludicrous. We just needed to get past my residency. She had to see that we
would have been fine after that. I mean, I loved her. She loved me. She didn't really want to leave, she stayed
when I asked her to. She stayed a whole year and then she up and fucking decided to get an attorney and just
like that, I was sleeping in the god-damn guest room and she's gone. She fucking left.

She left me!

I did nothing

to stop her. I...what could I have done?

The next time I looked around the sun was sinking farther into the west, and I was the only person left on the

53 

 

rooftop. Draining the rest of my beer, I managed to stumble into the sitting room in search of my family. The
blond who had been eying me all night was on the small love seat and grabbed my arm as I passed. She leered
at me and pulled me down to sit with her.

"You look like you could use a friend," she cooed, running her acrylic nails down my arm.

I shuddered at the feeling, but not because it felt good. It felt creepy, like the talons of a bird, but she obviously
mistook my reaction as enjoyment, and she let out a giggle, scooting closer to me. I could smell her heavy
perfume and see the black roots buried in her blond hair.

"You're Edward, right? I introduced myself earlier, but we didn't really get a chance to talk."

I nodded my head. My tongue felt like lead in my mouth and refused to cooperate. I wanted to excuse myself,
but she kept rubbing her hand down my arm and her foot was rubbing up and down my leg. It was actually
starting to feel kind of good. This shouldn't feel good, should it?

"You look very sad, Edward. The Cubs losing got you

blue

?" she whispered into my ear, grazing her tongue over

my earlobe.

I pulled back and looked at her confused. The Cubs lost? I shook my head to try to clear the haze that was
threatening to overtake me. I really needed to find my family.

"I can make you forget whatever is making you sad, Edward. I can make you feel

so

good. Don't you want to feel

good, Edward?"

The lights in the room were swirling around me and this girl's face was going in and out of focus. She leaned
forward and pressed against me and before I realized what was going on she placed her overly glossed lips on
mine. She tasted of stale beer, cigarettes, and manufactured watermelon. That must have been the lip gloss. I
felt my hands move up the outsides of her arms, and suddenly I was pulling her towards me. I was kissing her
back.

Why was I kissing her back?

Before I could answer that I felt her hand rub the hardening bulge in my

shorts, and I groaned involuntarily. She continued to stroke my dick over my clothing, and I moved my hips with
the rhythm of her hand. I hadn't felt a hand, other than my own, in so long that I lost myself in the sensation.

"Just like...yeah...." I groaned.

"Oh, it only gets better, baby. It gets so much better," she growled into my neck as she began sucking the skin
just below my jaw.

I felt her over-processed, straw-like hair tickle my skin. It felt nothing like the silk of Bella's hair. Images filled my
head of Bella on top of me, working herself on my cock, her long curtain of hair brushing my legs, arms, and
stomach as she threw her head around in ecstasy. My dick quivered at the memory. I groaned into the mess of
synthetic blond hair and continued to pump myself into her hand.

I felt the lake wind blow in from outside and bite into my ass as she yanked my shorts down.

"Wha..." I started.

"Shhh, it's okay, baby. I promise you'll love this."

Her mouth slid down my shaft, and I felt her nose bury into my pubic hair.

Holy Mother of Shit!

This girl had my

54 

 

dick down her throat. I barely had time to process that thought before she began to run her mouth up and down
my length, sucking like her life depended on it. It was hard and forceful, nothing like the seductively slow blow
jobs Bella used to give me. Bella reveled in torturing me, her soft pink mouth and tongue bringing me to the
edge before swallowing all I gave her. This girl was all about hard and fast. There was nothing subtle in her
technique. I knew I wouldn't last long and apparently so did she as she pulled me off the love seat and onto the
stone floor.

I rolled onto the ground with her and let my hands roam over her body. It felt so foreign. She was almost as tall
as I was and she had a sharp edge to her that I didn't enjoy, but I could smell her arousal as her leg hitched over
my hip, and I couldn't remember the last time I smelled someone excited over me. My hands plunged down, and
I felt my way over her toned leg. I hesitated for a moment as I got to the hem of her skirt, realizing I had never
done this with anyone other than Bella. In my beer-clouded mind I could hear myself screaming that this was a
bad idea, but the hand pumping my cock overrode any kind of advice my brain was trying to give me. My fingers
pressed into her flesh and found their way to her slick, bare pussy. She wasn't wearing any panties. I groaned
as I slipped two fingers inside and felt her warmth surround them.

She bucked against me.

"Fuck me with your fingers, baby. Fuck me hard."

Jesus Christ.

If I wasn't horny as fuck and just as drunk this chick would be scaring the shit out of me, but

instead I pumped my fingers inside of her, hoping I wasn't doing a piss poor job. Her taloned fingers captured
my wrist, bringing it above my head. She climbed on top of me, pinning me to the floor. A wicked grin flashed
across her face as she positioned my cock against her wet slit.

"Uh...wha..." I was too slow to process what was happening.

"Don't worry, baby, I'm on the pill."

Somehow in my alcohol-hazed mind that seemed good enough.

Her slick heat enveloped my cock as her pussy slid over me. She started moving up and down, and as my eyes
rolled into the back of my head, I saw my beautiful wife smiling down at me and I knew I was done for.

"Unh...God, gonna come...gonna...unh, Belllaaaaa!" I cried out as I felt my dick spill my load.

"WHO THE FUCK IS 'BELLA'?!" the banshee screeched.

What the hell?

I felt hands slapping at my chest and face and looked up to see a very upset woman, who was

most certainly not Bella, maneuvering herself off of me.

"My name is 'Lauren', you fucking sad excuse for a fuck. You didn't even get me off, you selfish prick!"

Her screeching was becoming so loud I had to bring my hands up over my ears. I was so confused. I slid up to
rest my back against the love seat and looked down to see my shorts and boxer briefs bunched at my knees. Oh,
fuck! What did I just do? I looked up at the woman as she hurriedly gathered her things, cursing me and my
lineage as she went.

"Let me guess, you fucking loser, 'Bella' left your sorry ass? I'm not some pity fuck, you pathetic asshole!"

55 

 

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON UP HERE?" I heard my brother bellow as he bolted into the room.

I looked up to lock eyes with him as he took in my state of undress as I was trying to pull my shorts up. He
immediately turned to look at...fuck, what was her name again?

"Emmett, I..." she said in barely a whisper.

"Did you

FUCK

my brother in

MY

house, Lauren?"

"I...I..."

"Get your shit and get the fuck out of my house. Don't bother coming into work on Monday; we'll send you your
final check and your shit."

"You're firing me? You can't fire me!" she screamed in his face, her anger flaring back up.

"Oh, I can, and I have. You signed a morals clause in your employment agreement, honey, got any questions
you can talk to my lawyer wife as you get the

fuck

out of my house!" he roared.

She stormed off, flipping us both the bird and stomping down the stairs. I heard some additional yelling, and the
front door slamming.

I turned to Emmett and...I had nothing to say. Had I really just fucked some random stranger on my brother's
floor?

"Emmett...I...I'm sorry, man. I..." I stopped there as my eyes grew wide. I made a mad scramble for the
bathroom off to the right and barely got to the toilet before all the beer I had ingested came spilling out into the
bowl. I continued to heave until I was sure organs were making their way north. I felt a cold cloth laid on the
back of my neck and a giant Wisconsin mug full of water was set next to me.

"Thanks," I managed to croak out, falling back against the bathroom wall.

"What the fuck happened, Edward?" Emmett asked-- loudly-- as he sat down beside me.

"I have no fucking clue. I looked up and everyone was gone so I went to look for you, and the next thing I know
my dick is down that girl's throat. Did you really fire her?"

"Fuck yes, I fired her. I thought having some girls here would be good for you. Maybe meet someone and have
them pay attention to you. I don't know, maybe go out on a date, but not fuck you on my floor, Edward! Besides,
you smell like a fucking brewery. She knew you were drunk. She signed a morals clause. I think fucking a
stranger in public makes it a pretty clear case." He frowned and rubbed a hand though his cropped curls.

"I didn't mean to have sex with her. Oh God, what have I done, Emmett? What am I doing?" I buried my head
in my hands, my fingers clutching at my aching skull.

"I don't know, man." He shook his head and rubbed at his jaw roughly in frustration.
"I thought about Bella. I think I said her name."

Emmett let out a low whistle and then a small chuckle.

56 

 

"No wonder she was pissed."

I closed my eyes and swallowed back the emotion that were trying to break forth, but couldn't stop.

"Bella's gone! She's

fucking gone,

and I'm alone. How did it fucking get to this? I miss her so much, man. I miss

my wife." I broke down and felt my brother wrap me in his arms.

"I know you do." He said softly.

"You don't know shit!" I yelled, pushing away from him.

He looked at me with those blue eyes of his and I realized I was being a prick.

"I'm sorry, man, it's just I let her go and I didn't fight for her. I miss her so fucking much. Our place is so fucking
empty without her. I miss her kicked-off shoes in the entryway and I miss finding strands of her hair
everywhere." I sniffed. "It's like she never lived there. That's why I lost it and fired Olga. She washed the damn
sheets and I couldn't smell her anymore. I loved her...I love her, but she is gone and there is nothing I can do
about it."

"We'll figure it out, little brother."

"I hate my fucking life, Emmett. I

hate

it!" I sobbed, tears and snot running down my face, but I couldn't have

cared less at that point. "I go into that fucking hospital every day, and I cut people open and put them back
together again, but I feel nothing. I'm a fucking machine. I. Feel. Nothing. I did everything I was supposed to
do! I followed all the rules, and I was perfect, Emmett-- just like I've always been--

fucking perfect

and now look

at me!"

He took me into his arms again as I shook with my sobs. I'm sure we made quite a sight. Two grown men
huddled together in a tiny bathroom, one of them crying as the other held him. It was a scene more appropriate
for Boystown than Wrigleyville, but there we were, the Cullen boys. Our dad would have been so proud. I finally
calmed down, managed to drink some of the cool water, used the towel to wipe the mess off my face, and took
a few deep breaths. I looked at my brother and could see he was deep in thought.

"What?" I pressed.

"You could always quit. Just say 'fuck it' and do something else."

I let out a loud burst of mirthless laughter. "Quit? Just like that? You're crazy. And do what?"

Emmett held his ground. "Why? Why not? You hate it. You're 31 fucking years old, Edward, and you're the most
miserable SOB I know. Life's too short. You lost your wife over this shit; what else are you willing to lose?"

I was sobering up, and as I looked at my older brother I saw nothing but honestly looking back at me. He was
right. I was a miserable son-of-a-bitch.

I could quit? I didn't have to be a surgeon? Yeah. Yeah, I could quit.

~*~

AN: Still with me? I know. I know that was hard to read, but like I said above, it had to happen. We can only go

57 

 

up from here, bbs.

Chapter: 9

August 10, 2008

The sharp wail of a baby jolted me out of my sleep, and as I sat up I immediately regretted the quick movement.
My head was pounding, and my stomach rolled. I rocketed out of the bed, threw open the door, and stumbled
across the hall into the open bathroom just in time to start dry heaving into a thankfully pristine toilet. After I
managed to control the nausea I sat back against a cool, white tiled wall and realized I was still at Emmett and
Rosalie's.

Fuck...last night.

What a mess.

Bella. Too much beer. Lauren...not good. Damn, I need to be tested. I pray to God she was serious about being
on the pill.

Please, Lord-- please.

The pounding inside my head muffled the sound of the bathroom door opening, so I was surprised when Alice
sat down beside me.

"Here," she said, handing me a glass of water and two ibuprofen. "I knew you'd need these."

"One of your visions?" I sardonically inquired.

"No, experience." She smiled shyly with a small laugh.

I let out a chuckle in return-- wincing from the pain-- and popped the pills in my mouth, downing the water. I
waited a few seconds to make sure my stomach wouldn't send the whole lot back up before I looked at my baby
sister. The look on her face was almost as painful as my hangover.

"What?" I asked, confused as to why she looked so sad.

"I'm so, so sorry, Edward."

"For what, Alice?"

"For leaving you up there. I swear I thought you were up there by yourself. Lauren must have sneaked back up
after everyone went downstairs. I feel so terrible. Please forgive me!"

"Al," I sighed, "last night wasn't your fault in the least. I was an idiot."

She threw her arms around me and laid her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around her and rubbed her
arm. I realized how much I had missed being around my crazy little sister. I couldn't remember the last time just
the two of us had hung out.

58 

 

"What happened?" she asked in a small voice, looking up at me. "What made you decide to drink so much?"

I looked into Alice's deep blue eyes and knew I had to lie through my teeth. I couldn't let her know I had
overheard her conversation with Rosalie or that I was reading Bella's blog. It was my secret, and I wasn't able
to share it with Alice. I'd discovered Bella's blog while reading her email without permission. I knew Alice would
be upset by my betrayal of her trust as well as Bella's. I hated lying to her, but I had no real choice.

"I just miss her, Al. That's all. I remembered all the times we had been here together, and it just got to me." I
stared at the wall in front of me, unable to look her in the face.

I felt Alice shaking and looked down to see her tear stained face. Clutching her tighter, I rocked her back and
forth. Once again, my actions had hurt her. When was I going to stop being such an ass?

"I miss her, too," she whispered.

Without warning, the door swung open to reveal a bemused Emmett.

"Did ya puke?" he asked with a wry grin.

"Just dry heaves, thanks for asking." I shot back.

He looked down at Alice and jutted his chin in her direction. I shook my head to signal that he needed to leave
it alone. Alice wiped her face quickly and smiled up at our big brother. She stood up and kissed him sweetly on
the cheek before walking out of the room.

"See you downstairs, boys," she called as she headed downstairs.

"What was that all about?" Emmett asked.

"Just me making our little sister cry-- again," I muttered.

Emmett nodded in understanding. "You able to eat? Jasper made biscuits and gravy, and Rosie made a pot of
coffee."

"Coffee?" I raised my eyebrows skeptically.

"Yes, it's that Lavazza crap, you fucking coffee snob. Christ, you and Rosie and that damned Italian shit."

"If you drank it you wouldn't scoff, my man," I said groaning, my body protesting my actions. I was too old for
this hangover shit.

We descended the stairs and entered the kitchen to find Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper already seated at the table.
After Emmett and I sat down, I noticed the unoccupied sixth chair and tried to shake off the sharp stab to my
heart. Joshua was sleeping soundly in his swing. His downy covered head eased some of the pain, but nothing
could completely alleviate the acute ache caused by Bella's absence.

Setting my emotional turmoil aside for the moment, I addressed my more pressing physical need for food by
tucking into the heaping plate of Jasper's famous biscuits and gravy in front of me. I groaned my approval as the
creamy, meaty goodness hit my stomach. Taking a drink from my mug of coffee, I breathed deeply. Grease and
caffeine. My family was too good to me.

59 

 

"Jasper, I've never been more glad that my sister married you than I am at this exact moment," I spoke as I
shoveled another forkful into my mouth.

A round of laughter broke out and Emmett and Rosalie nodded. Even Rosalie couldn't resist the Whitlock family
sausage gravy.

"I did good, right?" Alice laughed. "I totally got lucky." She winked at her husband who smiled down at her.

"I'm the lucky one," Jasper said, placing a soft kiss on the back of Alice's hand, before tipping his cup of coffee
in my direction. "Not a problem, Edward. I've used this breakfast to cure one or two hangovers myself."

The silence that fell over the table as we enjoyed Jasper's feast was comfortable, so I wasn't prepared for what
came next.

"Edward, did you think any more about what we talked about?" Emmett asked me through a full bite.

"What do you mean?" I asked, wiping my mouth and hoping he wasn't going where I thought he was going.

"About quitting medicine. Finding something else to do." Emmett nonchalantly shoved another entire gravy
soaked biscuit in his mouth.

I didn't need to look around the table to know that all eyes were now focused solely on me. I knew what Emmett
was talking about. I remembered our conversation from the night before clearly, but I hadn't thought anymore
about it. I hadn't really had time, but the truth of the matter was I knew I couldn't quit. The time I had put into
becoming a surgeon was something I couldn't just throw away.

"It's not that simple, Emmett. I've made a commitment, and I have to see it through," I stated matter-of-factly.

"Why?"

I let out an irritated sigh for being called out like this. "What do you mean 'why'? I've spent thirteen years
becoming a surgeon, Emmett. Thirteen years! You think I can just decide to say 'fuck it' after one bad night and
walk away? Do you know what that would do to my reputation? To our parents?"

Emmett pushed his plate away and shook his head angrily. "Our parents? One bad night? Dude, your life is a
stinking shit hole; you think our parents are the important ones right now?"

"Emmett..." Rosalie tried to interject.

"No, Rose, he needs to hear this. You fucked some random chick on my roof last night, Edward. That's how low
you are, bro. You need to wake the fuck up and realize if you keep going down this road, you're going to end up
somewhere you really don't want to be. Did you use any protection? Yeah, don't bother answering because I
know you didn't. I saw little Eddie dangling raincoat free last night. What if you knocked her up? How's that
going to help you get your life-- or Bella-- back? What about diseases, bro? You're the fucking doctor. Tell me
how healthy a decision last night was?"

"Look, Emmett, you don't understand what I've had to deal with, alright? Just leave it alone," I barked, pushing
my chair angrily away from the table.

60 

 

"I don't understand? Are you

fucking

kidding me with this shit?!

I don't understand?

I was there, Edward. I saw

what they did to you and yeah, it has to be rough being 'Mommy's Golden Boy' from day one, but I didn't see
you pushing back-- ever. You took all the crap Esme dished out and ate it up with your fucking silver spoon. You
loved being her 'little man', admit it."

He looked at me, shook his head, and then picked up his glass of orange juice and muttered something under
his breath. Knowing my brother, I knew it wasn't kind. The last thing I needed was Emmett's 'poor me, you're
mother's favorite' shit. I was doing everything I could to keep calm, but his needling, paired with my my
exhaustion, the hangover-- and just some good old fashion shame for my behavior last night-- was just too
much for me to handle. All of the anger and pain I had been feeling the last eight months poured out of me.

"What was that, Emmett? I didn't quite hear you!" I shouted at him with more malice than I had ever thrown at
my brother before.

He looked at me with a steel glint in his eye and spoke with a calm that he rarely used. "I said 'once a little
mama's bitch, always a little mama's bitch'."

I heard the intake of breath from Rosalie and Alice as I stood from my chair. Before I realized what I was doing,
I had cocked my right arm back and made a fist. Throwing it forward with all the force I could, I cracked Emmett
in the jaw.

The sound of breaking bone filled the kitchen. I heard the girls scream as I added my own yelps of pain to the
din.

"Fuck! I think I broke it!" I yelled, clutching my hand to my chest protectively.

Jasper had quickly gotten to his feet and was standing between Emmett and I with a hand on Emmett's chest
holding him back from returning the punch I so rightly deserved. Rosalie had come up behind him and was
wiping a drop of blood off his lip. Emmett waived her off.

"Fuck yeah, you broke it, you pussy," Emmett shouted at me while rubbing his jaw. "You punch like a little bitch,
too." He spat blood on the floor.

"Emmett!" Rose yelled as she bent down to wipe it up. She looked up at me and scowled. "I can't believe you
hit him, Edward! Jesus, you can be such a prick sometimes!"

The tension in the room was thick as I continued to clutch my hand. I could feel the radiating pain, and I knew
I had broken at least one bone in my hand.

Alice, who had been standing back from the melee, started walking toward me.

"Your hand?" she asked.

I shook my head and grimaced. She nodded and began to get the situation under control.

"Emmett, go upstairs and change your shirt. You have blood on your collar and it will stain if you don't deal with
it. Rose, go with him." They both looked shocked at her commanding tone, but turned and left the room; Rose
first stopping to pick up a now wailing Josh. Alice grabbed an icepack from the freezer and a clean towel out of
a drawer, placing it on my throbbing hand.

61 

 

"Hold that there," she said sternly, digging in her purse. "Jasper, can you please drive Edward to the hospital?"
She had turned to her husband and was holding out her keys. Jasper took them without a word, opened the
back door, and ushered me into Alice's car.

We drove down Lake Shore Drive in silence. I watched the lakefront fly by, relatively empty for a Sunday
morning. My hand hurt like hell and had started to swell to the size of a small melon. This would impact my
position in the surgical rotation for sure. I was supposed to start a 24-hour shift this afternoon. Carlisle would be
very unhappy to hear the news.

Jasper parked in my father's open parking spot, and we headed to the E.R. He had still not said a word to me.

"Dr. Cullen! What happened?" Julie, the middle aged nurse at the intake desk exclaimed when she saw the ice
pack on my hand.

"I think I broke my hand. Is it possible to get in right away?"

"Yes, of course it is. Dr. Lucas is on duty right now, I'll go get him. Go ahead and get situated in room 2, it's
open."

"Thanks, Julie." I motioned for Jasper to follow me.

We sat in the room for a few minutes before Jasper cleared his throat.

I raised my eyebrow as an invitation for him to say what was on his mind.

"You know, I am not one to talk bad about someone's mama, Edward, but I feel like I need to let you in on a little
something."

I nodded for him to continue.

"You remember the first time I met Bella?" he asked.

"The first Halloween Alice was in New York, right? Bella went out for the big FIT costume party."

Jasper nodded. "That's right. That was the night I met Alice." He laughed at the memory. "Alice introduced me
to Bella and said, 'this will be your sister-in-law someday. She'll be your strongest ally'. We all had a good
chuckle, but Bella knew that Alice was dead serious, and in a way, so did I."

"I remember Bella coming home and telling me she met 'Alice's future husband'. I don't understand what Alice
meant about Bella being your 'strongest ally' though."

"She meant against Esme," he said flatly.

"Oh, Christ, this again," I groaned.

"What do you think Esme's reaction was to hearing her daughter say she was going to marry a New York City
cop?"

I remembered exactly what her reaction was. Mother was livid. I had no idea what changed her stance, but after
meeting Jasper that Christmas she seemed fine with Alice and Jasper's relationship.

62 

 

"She seemed unhappy at first, I remember that, but she got over that after meeting you. What you're getting at,
Jasper?"

"When I came to Chicago that Christmas, to say I got a frosty reception would be kind, but you're right. Things
did change. After Esme found out that my daddy owned a hundred thousand acres in Texas hill country and that
Mama was the chapter president of the local DAR-- as well as Junior League and all that other society bullshit--
and that she had been Miss Texas 1973, well, let's just say you could feel the thaw in the room."

"Jasper..."

"No, Edward, let me finish. It wasn't enough for Esme to see that Alice and I were in love. If I had just been some
regular New York City cop, I would have been treated the way Bella was the entire time you were married. Now,
I know what Emmett said to you today was a little harsh, but dammit, what's it going to take to get you to listen?
You've lived your entire life for that woman and your life

is

a fucking shit hole. Last night was more than just poor

judgment, it was dangerous, son. It's time to grow a pair and figure out what you want. If it's to keep being a
doctor, alright, if that's what makes

you

happy, but if it's not, that's alright too. We'll be here for you."

I didn't get a chance to respond as my colleague Dr. Reggie Lucas walked in the room holding my chart.

"Edward, what happened?"

"My brother's rock hard jaw." I grimaced as he took hold of my throbbing hand.

"Aw yes, I know of what you speak," he laughed, "I've met your brother, so it was a momentary lapse of sanity
I take it?"

"You could say that."

Jasper snickered quietly to himself. Without thinking, I shot him the bird with my injured dominant hand. I
groaned in agony and that made him laugh even harder. Rat bastard.

"So we'll get some x-rays, but due to the swelling and discoloration I'd say you broke at least a few bones,"
Reggie said palpating my hand. "I'll call down to radiology and they'll send someone up. Shouldn't take too long.
Anything else going on you need looked at?" he inquired, a typical physician follow-up.

"Uh, yeah, actually..." I looked over at Jasper, who nodded and left the room. Clearing my throat I started again,
"I need a full STD panel."

Reggie nodded his head and made a note in my chart. "I'll send Julie in to take the draw, alright?"

I thanked him as he left. Julie would keep it quiet. I mean it was bound to get out eventually, but hopefully this
would buy me some time. True to Reggie's word Julie came right in with a blood draw kit. She gave me a
motherly smile and started filling vials and marking them with my information. Just as she finished up, a knock
on the door jam signaled my ride to radiology had arrived.

I spent the next hour getting x-rayed and splint taped to my hand. I had indeed broken two bones and would
be sidelined from surgery for at least two weeks, but at least there was no nerve damage. I signed the necessary
release forms and put a call into my dad. As chief of surgery, he'd have to deal with this too. Luckily I got his
voice mail. Thank God for his regular Sunday 36 holes of golf.

63 

 

I walked out to the waiting room to find Jasper playing peek-a-boo with a little girl who looked to be about two.
I watched the exchange for a few moments and then cleared my throat. He saw my bandaged hand and raised
an eyebrow in question.

"Two broken bones, no obvious nerve damage."

"Well that's good news, right?" He said, standing and waving goodbye to the little girl and her mother.

"Yeah, yeah it is." I said, following him out of the waiting room. We walked out to Alice's yellow convertible
together, and I watched as he got in the driver's seat.

"You want a ride to your place?" He asked, kindly not bringing up our earlier discussion. Jasper was good at
knowing when to leave things lay, unlike my meathead brother.

"No, that's alright, I can walk from here." I took a few moments and then looked down at him.

"Thanks, Jasper. Really. Thank you." I said patting the driver's door with my good hand.

"Just think about what I said-- about what we all said-- alright?"

I nodded and he gave me a simple two-finger salute while backing out of the parking spot. I watched as he
drove down the street and gave a small wave as he turned the corner. I started the walk toward home.

My hand hurt like hell, even with the pain reliever I had been given. I flexed my fingers and winced-- at least the
pain kept me from thinking too hard. My mind had wandered too many times to the horror of last night and
Lauren while I had been waiting. I had no idea what I was going to do in regard to that, but I knew I had to do
something if the results of the tests came back positive for anything. Fuck! I have no idea how I managed to get
my life into such a mess.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Cullen."

I looked up to see that I had walked all the way home and hadn't realized it. I guess my body and mind were so
used to the walk that I didn't even need to think about it anymore.

"Afternoon, Dre." I said to my doorman with a nod as he held open the door for me.

"A package came for you yesterday afternoon, sir. Would you like me to have it sent up or...?"

"No thank you, I'll take it now." I hadn't been expecting anything, and was confused as to what it could be.

"I'll just go get it then."

I followed him and took the large box he held out to me. Turning it over I saw Bella's scrawling handwriting
across the front along with the foreign postage.

My breath left my body-- and I'm sure my heart stopped beating for a few seconds-- to be holding something
that Bella had touched. I heard Dre clear his throat and I looked up at him.

"Did you want to open it here, sir? I have a pocket knife." Dre held out the small mother-of-pearl handled blade

64 

 

to me and I took it mindlessly. I cut open one end of the box and returned the knife, he tipped his cap to me and
returned to his post outside. I reached into the box with my good hand and pulled out an aged brown traveling
case. It had a yellowed wooden handle and two brass locks. Inlaid between the locks was an "E" in what looked
to be abalone. On the top of the case a heavy cream colored envelope was taped to it. I gently peeled off the
tape and slid open the flap to find a matching sheet of stationary folded inside. I slowly pulled it out, and flipped
it open to see Bella's messy writing staring back at me. My chest clenched. I brought it to my nose and inhaled.
I swore I smelled her flowery scent. Bringing it back down I began reading.

August 1st

Hello Edward,

I know it has been awhile since we have spoken, but I hope this finds you well. I don't know if you know this or

not, but I'm traveling abroad. Right now I'm in Santorini and it's just beautiful. Even more than I dreamed it

would be. In a strange turn of events, I have run into Peter and Charlotte Wyeth. You remember them, right?

Peter is a life-long friend of Jasper's and was Jasper's best man. Yes, well, they are sailing a boat Charlotte's

father purchased in France down to her family home in New Zealand and decided to visit some of the Greek Isles

before they headed south and I literally ran into them. You know me. Anyway, they have suggested after our

time together here on the island that I go with them, and after much cajoling I have decided to go. They are

being quite wonderful to me and it seems like something I would never do, so I'm throwing caution to the wind.

We set sail tomorrow.

Yesterday I was walking through a local market and found a stall that had amazing treasures in it, including this

case. I saw the "E" inlaid into the top of the case and my curiosity got the best of me. When I opened it to find

the sheet music-- and saw that it was all piano arrangements-- I knew that the Fates were telling me something.

I purchased this for you as a very belated birthday gift and because I thought, maybe, you'd enjoy playing

something besides "Happy Birthday" and Christmas carols. :) I honestly can't remember the last time you played

your piano for pure enjoyment, but maybe you've started again in the last few months. I hope that you have.

You played so beautifully.

I don't really know what to else to say, but before I close I do want to thank you for binding my Millay book. It

was very kind of you, so "thank you".

Please take care of yourself, Bella.

I wiped a tear from my cheek and cleared my throat, quickly looking around the lobby to make sure I was still
alone. I took the case over to a corner seating area in the lobby and placed it on my lap. I gently clicked open
both locks and raised the case's worn lid. The motion released the scent of old paper and the ocean. Inside the
case were hundreds of sheets of music. I flipped through it and recognized several composers and major works
along with what looked like regional songs, as well as operettas, hymns, and Catholic Masses.

I closed the case and quickly locked it. My head was pounding at the timing of Bella's gift. Paranoia gripped me
as I pulled out my phone and dialed. Emmett answered on the first ring.

"Dude. Is it broken?"

Oh, right, my hand. I had forgotten to call him after I got out of the E.R. I had been too focused on the
conversation I had with Jasper to remember.

"I have a hairline fracture to the proximal phalanx and full break to the metacarpal bone of my second finger."

65 

 

"Second finger?"

"Yes." I waited for this news to work it's way into Emmett's brain. His booming laugh signaled that he had put
two and two together.

"You broke your middle finger? Dude, I guess that's the big "fuck you" for punching me, eh?"

"Laugh it up. I deserve it."

"Hell yes you do, how could you think your weak ass punch would do anything but hurt

you

?"

"If your damn head wasn't so hard...look, I'm sorry I hit you, but that isn't the only reason I'm calling. Have you
talked to Bella about me lately?"

I didn't want anyone to know I had been reading Bella's blog, but I had to know if they were talking to her about
me. It seemed very important that she not know how low I had sunk in the months after the divorce. It's not that
I wanted to hide my depression-- damn, that's a hard word to put out there-- but I didn't want her to be worried
about me. The tenor of her note suggested she was and I had to know if it was because of any news my family
was sharing with her.

"Um, well..."

I could take that as a yes. "What did you tell her, Emmett?" I growled.

"Chill out, Alice might have let something slip about having a bad night with you awhile back and I might have
told Bella not to worry about it, that I'd take care of you. Look, bro, she hasn't come out and asked about you
directly, if that is what you want to know."

Ouch. That hurt, but at least they weren't talking in detail.

"So you haven't mentioned to her about me leaving medicine."

"Hell no. That just came to me last night. Well, I mean I've always thought you should quit, but I've never talked
about it to anyone other than Rosie."

"Do you think Rose or Alice have said anything?" I was already pot committed in this conversation, I might as
well get all the cards laid out on the table.

"That a negative, good buddy. Talking about you to Bella is a conversation 'don't' as far as the girls are
concerned. I don't know if that's what you wanted to hear or not, little brother, but that's the truth. Where's all
this coming from?"

"Bella sent me a letter and a gift."

"Gift? Hey Rosie..." he screamed, "we get anything from Bella?"

"Shut up, Emmett, Christ!"

"Doesn't matter, we didn't get anything. So what she send you?"

66 

 

"An old suitcase full of sheet music."

"No shit? Huh, that's weird."

"She wrote a note saying she hoped I was playing the piano again for enjoyment."

"Oh, well, that's kind of nice of her." There was an uncomfortable silence that passed between us.

"Yeah, look, I gotta go and uh, sorry again about punching you."

"No worries, bro, besides, you didn't hurt me and uh, I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have said all that shit."

"I know, Emmett. I know."

"I just hate seeing you this way, Ed." His shortening of my name didn't rile me up like it usually did. I knew
apologies were just as hard for Emmett as there were for me. Cullen men didn't make a lot of apologies.

"Yeah, me too. Uh, I'll talk to you soon, OK?"

"Hey, wait. You going to make it to family dinner tonight?"

Facing my mother and father tonight was not something I was up for at the moment. "Not tonight, but soon."

"Sure thing, oh, and the Cubs are away next week, but the week after the Reds are in town. Come over. I
promise not to let you get molested this time."

"Funny, asshole." He was such a fucker, but I knew it was my own stupidity that got me into this mess in the first
place. "I'll see if I can make it."

"Late."

I hung up without saying goodbye. I knew it pissed people off, but I had somehow the habit had just developed
over the years. I looked down at the case full of music and frowned. I hadn't played the piano in almost six
months because it was in Lake Forest at my parents. I had never moved it to the penthouse after Bella and I
were married. I stood and walked over the elevator. I sat my case down to insert my security card to gain access
to my penthouse and as I rode up the fifty stories and thought about a disagreement Bella and I had years ago
about that very thing.

~*~

August 14, 2001

"Why, Edward? It's

your

piano. It should be where

you

are," She sighed, her exasperation with me very evident.

"I don't have time, Bella, and trust me, moving it here isn't an option."

Bella snorted, "Why not? It's not like we don't have the room." She gestured around the giant living room of our

newly decorated six thousand square foot home.

I shot her a look that said 'drop it', of course, she didn't.

67 

 

"You never play anymore. You played all of the time in Madison and now-- nothing. I don't understand it, it's part

of who you are and you're just letting it go. I get why it couldn't be in the loft, but now we have all of this space,

Edward. You should move it here!"

I didn't respond. A part of me always knew I would have to give up playing when I went to med school. The

piano would have served its purpose by then and I would finally close that last box in my mind, the one that held

the remaining sliver of the dream of music being my livelihood.

"Well, there's always Christmas, right?" she said snidely. "It wouldn't be a Cullen Christmas without Esme

parading you in front of her Union League friends. You're her very own living jukebox."

"Enough," I demanded. Since before the wedding Bella had begun taking small pot shots at my mother and it

was beginning to grate on me. My mother had only ever wanted the best for her children, and that now included

Bella, no matter how much that irritated my new wife.

"I just miss hearing you play," she stated and turned away from me. She walked out of the room and left me

alone.

I walked over to the windows overlooking Holy Name and rested my head against the glass. I hadn't wanted to

tell Bella about my decision to stop playing as I knew she'd get upset, and her words about my mother, while

somewhat true, hurt. I had tried very hard over the years to always keep my playing the piano in perspective.

It was a talent, a hobby. Yes, I loved doing it, but there comes a time when all hobbies have to take a backseat

to real life and its obligations. Med school and my subsequent residency was going to be the hardest thing I had

ever done. I knew it was expected of me to become chief surgical resident and that was going to mean giving

absolutely everything I had to that endeavor. Bella would learn over time to understand. After I was finished and

we began our family, maybe I could pick playing up again. I could teach our children and share my love of it with

them. There would be time for Bella to hear me play again, she just needed to understand that time wasn't right

now. She'd get there.

I felt her arms wrap around my waist as she snuggled into me.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Me too," I said placing a kiss on the top of her head.

"I just worry, that's all."

"Worry about what, love?" I said, turning her to face me.

"Of everything changing. I mean your last two years of medical school will be more demanding than the first

two-- if that's even possible-- and then there is your residency. I just feel like everything is...I don't know,

slipping somehow."

"Bella, it will be okay. Trust me."

She wrapped her hands around my neck and pulled my face down to hers. Her fingers played with the curls at

the base of my neck and she smiled.

"Time for a haircut, Mr. Cullen," she teased, giving a few strands a gentle tug.

68 

 

"I thought you liked my hair longer, Mrs. Cullen," I teased back.

"Oh,

I

do." A smirk graced her beautiful face.

"You..." I growled, swatting her rear. "You always have to push it, don't you, Isabella Marie Cullen?"

"Maybe I do." She stepped back from me. "What are you going to do about that, Edward Anthony Masen

Cullen?" She sang out as she bolted from the living room.

I gave chase and easily caught her as she tried to get to our bed, or "base" as she called it when she felt like

playing this particular game. I had learned early on in our relationship if she made it to the bed she was "safe",

and I began catching her far before she could reach it. Dragging her down onto the floor of the hallway I began

assaulting her most ticklish areas. Her squeals of laughter and her calling out my name-- as well as her

desperate wiggling-- made my cock ache with hunger for her. I quickly buried my face in her neck and sucked

greedily at her sensitive skin. Her laughter soon turned into moans. Her hands grabbed at my face and she cried

out for me to kiss her. I could never deny her demands so I complied with her wishes, kissing her scarlet lips

feverishly.

"Play me, Edward," she breathed.

I shook my head at her in confusion.

"I don't want you to lose your touch, so play me like I was your piano." She grabbed my hand and shoved it

roughly between her legs.

I groaned at the moist heat my fingers were met with.

"Gladly, my beloved. Gladly."

~*~

The doors to the elevator opened to my empty home. I walked in and sat the case down on the bar and reached
into the fridge and grabbed a beer. I took a long drink and then looked at the bottle. It tasted sour in my mouth,
so I poured it down the sink. If I was going to start fixing the mess I had created-- and I now knew I had no other
options-- I needed to start by doing it sober. I put the bottle down into the sink and turned to look over Holy
Name Cathedral. It had been seven years since I had made love to Bella in the hall that day and she had been
right. Things had slipped. They had changed. I don't know how, and I don't know when exactly, but they did
slowly over time. I had put all my time and focus into my medical career and I had overlooked my duty to Bella
as her husband. A sob broke from my chest. I had let our marriage die day by day by not paying it the attention
it deserved. The only thing I had ever fought for in my life I let die. I had no idea if I would ever have the chance
to get Bella back, but Emmett and Jasper were right. I had to get my life together, I had to start somewhere. I
took out my cell phone and dialed. She answered quickly, her voice sounding so happy to hear from me.

"Edward! This is a surprise."

"Hello, Mother."

My father must still be out as she didn't sound like she knew about me punching my brother and breaking my
hand. I didn't feel like telling her at this moment either.

69 

 

"I wanted to let you know that I won't be making it out there tonight for dinner, but wondered if you and Dad
had a night free this week to meet?"

"What's this all about, Edward?" Her voice taking on a slightly nervous tone.

"My future, Mother. It's about my future."

~*~

Chapter: 10

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I lay on the giant bed Bella and I once shared. During the past few days I wandered through various rooms
thinking about my life and how I had gotten to this point. I was wallowing, I admit it, but with not having to go
to the hospital I really had no idea what to do with myself. I went through the case of music Bella sent me and
arranged the music by genre, then by date and then alphabetically. I managed to look through every photo
album I had of mine and Bella's life and began to see the gradual decline into my just...existing. Little things
became evident like I no longer had my arms wrapped around Bella in every photo. I began to stand farther
away. I no longer smiled. I began to look like my father. I had become an outside observer it seemed in my own
life. Thinking about all of this caused my emotions to jump all over the place. One moment I was outraged at the
situation I found myself in-- blaming everyone from Emmett to Bella-- the next I was dispondent, as I was
reminded of the fact that I was alone and had no one to lash out. In a word, I was a fucking wreck.

The hardest part was remembering the way I had treated Bella during the last years of our marriage. It was
deplorable and I was buried in my shame. When Bella first came to me seeking a divorce it felt like I had been
hit in the gut with a lead pipe. I panicked, and exploited her sense of loyalty and responsibility to stay the
decision. I simply would not allow it. I was ridiculous, but it was all I had. Damn it! Why had I been such an ass?
I still can't explain it, even to myself. I was so angry and it deepened the wedge between us. I had just needed
time. Time to finish my residency and then everything would have been fine. I just needed her to continue to be
patient. She just needed to stay with me and things would have worked out, or so I had thought. I had been
such a fool. When I thought of the things I said to her-- the horrible way I treated her the day I found out she
met with an attorney-- I doubted she'd ever forgive me.

The sound of

Flight of the Bumblebee

began playing next to me and I reached absentmindedly for my phone.

"Alice."

"Hello, dear brother. I had to call...I saw something."

Alice's visions were something my family tolerated, though not fully understood. Alice had no control over what
she "saw", and the truth was I think we were all a bit uncomfortable by her propensity for being able to divine
future happenings. Alice had always been a precocious child, her darling nature had made her adored by
everyone that knew her. She had a knack, while we were growing up, of things like waking up in the morning
and knowing we would have a snow day before our parents were notified by the school, but when she hit
puberty she began to "see" things at more regular intervals and in much greater detail. Our parents, of course,
became worried and had various tests run on her to rule out a brain tumor or some other brain abnormality, but
none were found. Not wanting to draw attention to Alice's little talent, we were told that speaking about it
outside the family was not going to be tolerated. This was fine with all of us, as Alice's visions centered around

70 

 

those closest to her and had no rhyme or reason as to why they appeared to her, so over time we just accepted
them and I think Alice began to temper what she actually told us. It had made giving her gifts interesting
though.

"Well, are you going to tell me?" I said, stifling a yawn. Self-reflection was quite exhausting.

"No need to get snippy, but I saw myself pulling something out of your refrigerator that looks very much like a
small animal. It was quite disturbing."

I couldn't help but laugh-- even with my foul mood-- at my sister's veiled attempt at insulting my recent
housekeeping habits. "There might be part of a steak in there that would no longer be fit for human
consumption."

"I'm coming over. We're cleaning." She promptly hung up the phone.

I put my phone down on my nightstand and rolled over to take a nap. She'd wake me when she got here.

~*~

I felt rain hitting my cheek and opened my eyes, confused.

I looked into the face of a mischievous Alice. She had been pouring water on me while I slept.

"Funny."

"I thought so," she laughed. "You look like shit."

"Why, Mary Alice, you say the nicest things," I growled. "Do you kiss Mother with that mouth?"

She rolled her eyes at me and held out her tiny hand. "Come on, 'disgustoland' awaits."

I followed Alice into the kitchen-- which she attacked like a woman possessed-- cleaning out the refrigerator and
throwing many containers with unrecognizable contents away, all the while humming

As Time Goes By

. I

wanted to ask her why she was humming that particular song-- it was one of Bella's favorites-- but I could tell
she was doing it absentmindedly. I honestly didn't have the wherewithal to discuss anything related to Bella at
the moment, so I continued to take clean dishes out of the dishwasher-- I'm not a complete barbarian, I can load
and run a dishwasher-- and put them in various cabinets.

We worked in tandem for close to a half an hour and the kitchen began to come together quite well. Alice had
ceased her humming so I saw this as my opportunity to speak.

"Why are you really here, Alice?" I inquired.

She turned to me and smiled wanly.

"I know about tonight, Edward, your dinner with the parents. I thought you could use some support, you know,
before you go."

Tonight was indeed the night. I had made plans with my parents to meet them at the Union League at seven for
dinner. My conversation earlier in the week with my father was stilted at best and I could feel his disappointment

71 

 

in me through the phone. He insisted I see a hand specialist, a point I did not argue. My thoughts had drifted to
the possibilities of tonight at least several times a day, and I while didn't know exactly what I was going to tell
them, I knew I had to say something.

"Yes, well..." I sighed, resigned to the fact that tonight would be unpleasant. "It will be what it is, right?"

She nodded and began emptying out the drawers next to the refrigerator that were overflowing with chopsticks,
menus, and packets of various condiments.

"Keep the duck sauce," I directed, moving on to loading the now empty dishwasher.

"Edward?" Alice asked distractedly after a few minutes. "What's this?" She was holding a business card up to me.

I walked to her and took the card. I recognized it immediately. It had an appointment date from January 2007
on it.

"That's a card for the psychologist Bella wanted us to go talk to."

"Wanted you to talk to? So, you never did?" She asked plaintively.

"No." I could hear the defensiveness creeping into in my voice.

"Why Edward? Why didn't you go see her? You might have been able to work things out? Bella never mentioned
this to me! I asked her if counseling was something you tried, or would try, and she just shut me down. Why
didn't she tell me?" Her voice rising an octave with each successive question.

"I don't know Alice," I rubbed my forehead in frustration. "I think maybe she wanted to protect me," I offered
quietly.

"Protect you? I don't understand."

"I didn't take it very well when she brought it up." My tone let Alice know I didn't wish to discuss it further.

I handed the card back to her and resumed my work at the dishwasher, but couldn't help but think back to the
day Bella brought home that appointment card.~*~

January 5th, 2007

I looked at the card held to the front of the refrigerator with a magnet from Leona's. Bella loved their lemonade

and would make me take her there when she needed what she called 'comfort food'. Her using that magnet to

hold this particular card frustrated me greatly for some reason.

"What's this?" I gestured angrily.

"That's an appointment card, Edward." She saw my irritation at her smug answer and closed her eyes, letting

her breath out slowly through her nose. "I'm sorry. It's a counselor that was recommended to me. She

specializes in marriages where high-stress careers are involved."

"You want to go to a marriage counselor?" I asked incredulously. "No. Absolutely not."

"Edward, we need this." Her brown eyes pleaded with me, but I refused to give into them.

72 

 

"No, what we need is for you to try be a little more understanding. No counselor. End of discussion," I growled.

I stalked from the room before she could respond. I wasn't going to go to some

psychologist

and have her tell

me that my marriage was in trouble because I was a surgeon. What the hell did Bella want from me? She knew

what my residency entailed, what it would take for us to make it through it. Her insinuation that my career was

the reason we were experiencing a rough patch was getting old. My anger continued to rise as I strode to the

elevator. Pressing the call button angrily made me wish we had an actual front door to slam. I wanted her to feel

my anger.

~*~

I felt my sister's hand on my shoulder and I turned to face her.

"The date on the card, Edward."

"Alice, please leave it alone."

"This was when she asked you for the first time, right?" she asked, ignoring my request.

I knew the details of how Bella and I reached the point of divorce confused Alice and she was just trying to put
things together in her own head. I relented and answered her.

"Yes, Bella told me a week later she wanted a divorce for the first time." I stated glumly.

"Oh, Edward." The disappointment in my sister's voice was becoming impossible to bear. I had made mistakes,
but I was beginning to tire from the constant reminder of them through my baby sister's sighs and frowns.

"I know I fucked up, Alice! I know this, but what would you like me to do about it

now

?!" My tone was more

aggressive than I wanted, but my frustration level had peaked.

"I think you need to call her."

"Call who?" My blood ran cold at the thought of calling Bella and telling her the things I had just told my sister.

"Dr. Clearwater. I wish you would have gone to see her when Bella asked. I really wish you had, Edward,
but...maybe she can help you now."

I stared at Alice for what felt like minutes. Would I be able to get over myself and actually talk to someone about
everything? After the past few days I knew I was looking at facing a monumental decision-- maybe the most
monumental of my life-- and that terrified me. The divorce was terrible, but I was resigned to it after Bella made
her feelings known to the family, but this-- my whole identity was enmeshed with being a surgeon. It is who I
am, even if I despise it and myself.

I took the card back from her and flipped it against my fingers several times before picking up the phone and
dialing. A strong, yet kind, voice answered on the third ring.

"Sue Clearwater."

"Dr. Clearwater? This is Dr. Edward Cullen, uh, my wife, Bella Cullen, well Swan now," I sighed. "I'm sorry, I..."

73 

 

"It's alright, Dr. Cullen, take your time."

"Yes, well, my

ex

-wife Bella Swan had gotten your card."

"Yes, I know who Bella is."

"Oh, good. Well, I...I don't know if you have any time, but I think I might need to speak with someone and I just
found your card."

"Would you like to come to my office sometime and talk?"

I looked at Alice who must have been able to hear what Dr. Clearwater was saying as she was nodding
enthusiastically and pointing at the over-sized watch strapped to her wrist.

"You don't happen to have any time today do you?" I was stunned at my question. I had no intention of trying
to see her today when I called, but with Alice's prompting the question slipped out before I had the chance to
stop it.

"Today? Well, I hadn't planned on seeing patients today, Dr. Cullen, but..." her voice drifted off and I could hear
her shuffling some papers, "if you can make it down here by, let's say four o'clock, we can speak. Would that
work?"

"You're in Hyde Park, correct?"

"I am, I'm located very close to the University of Chicago campus."

"Yes, four would be fine. Thank you Dr. Clearwater."

"My office is in the carriage house at the back. I'll see you this afternoon then."

"This afternoon."

I sat the phone down in its cradle and leaned forward on my hands against the counter.

Alice wrapped her lithe arms around my waist and leaned her head on my back.

"I'm proud of you, Edward," she whispered.

I turned and wrapped her in a hug. "Thank you, Alice. That means the world to me," I whispered in return.

"But, it's really irritating that you don't say 'goodbye' when you're talking on the phone. Maybe Dr. Clearwater
can help you with that too?"

My hug turned into a headlock as I gave my sister a noogie. "I'll see what she can do."

Her musical laugh rang through the kitchen. "Easy on the hair, mister! Come on, I'm sure the bathrooms are in
dire need of attention as well. Next week we hire you a housekeeper. No arguments."

"I wouldn't dream of it," I said, pushing her playfully away from me.

74 

 

~*~

I decided to drive to my appointment as I was going to the Union League to meet my parents tonight and
wanted to be able to come home and change first. I figured wearing a suit to my first therapy session would be
a bit drastic. Dr. Clearwater's office was indeed very close to campus. Bella loved this area of Chicago, she had
talked of buying a home here after we were married. Smiling, I remembered her excitement as she had dragged
me to tour Frank Lloyd Wriight's Robie House when we first began living together in the city. Bella loved his
design aesthetic and said being there felt like going back in time. Most of Bella's MBA classes were at the
downtown campus, but she arranged for a few of them to be at the main campus just so she could come to Hyde
Park. When she found out we'd be living in a downtown high-rise after we were married I knew she was
disappointed. I shook my head at the thought of being disappointed in

having

to live in our home, but I now I

knew-- maybe I always knew and just now realized-- that Bella didn't want that kind of life. She wanted
something less metal and modern and more wood and history.

I pulled up to Dr. Clearwater's address and realized it must also be her home as it was a beautifully apportioned
Victorian with an abundant rose garden. A black wrought iron fence surrounded the property and made it look
even more stately. I turned into the drive and made my way to the back of the house and saw the carriage house
with parking spaces in front of it. While getting out of my car I heard a door open and looked up to see a woman
with flowing salt and pepper hair who appeared to be in her early 50s.

"Hello, Dr. Cullen," she greeted me. "I'm Sue Clearwater."

"Nice to meet you Dr. Clearwater."

She laughed warmly, "Please, call me 'Sue'. Come in and have a seat." She motioned me inside and pointed to
an overstuffed couch. I picked the seat closest to the window. It overlooked a small fountain filled with water
lilies in bloom.

"Have you lived here long?" I asked, surprised at my boldness.

"Yes, actually, almost my entire life. My mother was a professor at the university and my father was a writer. I
raised my children here, as well."

"Your husband..."

"Died when the children were very young."

"I'm sorry. That must have been...awful."

"Yes, it was. Loss of a spouse-- even through a divorce-- is something that will be with you forever, but that
doesn't mean you don't owe it to yourself to continue to live."

I looked at her and thought about her words. She was obviously very good at her job, she had managed to steer
small talk into a pointed conversation within the first few minutes of my arrival.

"What can I help you with, Dr. Cullen?"

"Call me 'Edward', please. I, uh, I'm...I'm not really sure, to be honest."

75 

 

"You and Bella have divorced, correct?"

"Yes. It's been a few months now."

"Did you seek counseling prior to your divorce?"

I shook my head.

"Might I inquire as to why that was?"

"I didn't think we needed it."

She nodded her head while making a few notes on a pad she had resting on her armchair. "And now?"

"Now?" I didn't know what she wanted me to say. I dragged my left hand through my hair, frustrated with not
fully understanding what I was supposed to do.

"How have you been living you life since your divorce, Edward?"

"Honestly," I chuckled wryly, "I haven't been living

my

life for twenty years."

She wrote a note and looked into my eyes. "Whose life have you been living?"

"I don't know..." I growled. I was frustrated. This was a mistake. I just needed to get this all straight in my own
head. I didn't want to talk to a stranger about this. Goddamn, Alice. She pushed me into this and I fell for the
guilt routine.

"Edward?"

"I...I can't do this, I'm sorry. I know I'm wasting your time. I apologize." I began to stand to leave.

"Please sit down, Edward."

"No, I'm sorry, I need to leave."

"I have something I'd like to say first. After that, if you want to leave, please do so with my well wishes."

Her almost black eyes bored holes right through me. I swallowed hard as I sat back in my seat.

"Edward, my practice is made up primarily of patients who, like you, are involved in stress filled professions,
such as doctors, police officers, fire fighters, and high level executives. There is a commonality that those
couples, regardless if it is the husband or the wife in the position of stress, share. You've decided to take on a
level of responsibility that most have not. You are set apart from your spouse and family due to your desire to
excel beyond the norm. Whether you hold a life in your hands, such as yourself, or are running a company that
employs hundreds, you are facing situations that a vast majority of people do not understand. There is a
tendency to turn into one's self-- to rely solely on one's own capabilities-- in order to control your environment
to guarantee an outcome you deem as beneficial. In the workplace this can lead to being overwhelmed and to
'burn out'. A marriage, on the other hand, is supposed to be a partnership. When one partner feels like they have
been downgraded to a role less than equal of their mate's, resentment builds. If not dealt with, this resentment
only continues to grow and fester. The outcome the vast majority of the time is divorce, like with you and Bella.

76 

 

My question to you is, what do you want your life to be like? Do you want to continue the way you have been,
or do you see something different for yourself? If so, how are you going to achieve it?"

My mind reeled. My throat was dry and I tried to cough. Sue motioned to the side table next me and I saw a
pitcher of water and an empty glass. Pouring some into the glass, I took a long drink, and sat the glass back on
the table. I looked up to met her eyes.

"I'm just so fucking tired," I shook my head. "I'm sorry, I..."

"It's nothing I haven't heard before, Edward. Please, continue with that. What are you tired of?"

"Everything. Of being angry, of missing Bella, of feeling like an utter failure every time I look at my family. I'm
exhausted."

"That's understandable," she said, scratching a short note before continuing. "What have you done since the
divorce, Edward?"

"Done?"

"Yes, with your time. You work, do you socialize? Tell me about that."

"I work. I don't socialize. The one time I went where other people were I ended up in the ER the next day and
had a bad one-night stand." I laughed wryly.

Sue did not. "How did you injure your hand?"

"I punched my brother in the jaw."

She wrote something down on her notepad and gestured for me to continue.

"He, uh, he pushed me about quitting medicine."

"Why would he do that?"

I looked at this woman I had only met twenty minutes ago and I decided to let go. I just started talking. I started
from the beginning. I told her of my tenth birthday and how I continued to play and write music right up until
my college graduation and how I set it aside. It was my responsibility to focus on medical school. I told her of
my asking Bella to marry me, our wedding and how over the years how I felt myself become smaller, somehow
less invested in my life. All my time and energy was spent on becoming the best surgeon I could. I told her of
my engulfing anger and how I had no idea where it stemmed from at the time and how I made Bella suffer for
it. How I behaved horribly to her and said unforgivable things. I spoke of Bella telling me she wanted a divorce
a year before she actually filed for one and how I grasped at any kind of straw I could to prevent Bella from
leaving me-- how I manipulated her into staying by praying upon her loyalty and love for my family. I told her
about the way the news of our divorce was told to our family and then the six months that Bella and I lived in
the same home yet hardly saw or spoke to each other. I took in a long breath and told her about finding out
about Bella's blog and my obsession with reading it and explaining the past two months and how it all led up to
this past weekend where I was out of my mind and acted in a way I never had before, and how that led to having
sex with Lauren and punching Emmett the next morning, leading to my current two-week vacation.

I sat back in the chair drained-- yet relieved-- freed somehow from carrying that burden within myself.

77 

 

"Edward," Sue said to me in a calm, non-judgemental voice, "thank you for sharing all of that with me. I can see
why you would be feeling a variety of conflicting emotions right now. If you don't mind, I'd like to touch on
something your brother said."

"Yes?"

"What would you like to do with your life from this point forward?"

I shook my head and answered the only way I could, "I don't know."

"Do you want to be a surgeon?"

There was the million dollar question. The question I already had the answer to in my heart, but was scared
shitless to admit. I decided at that moment to be a man.

"No. No, I don't."

"You're sure?"

I blew a long breath out through my mouth and looked her in the eye. "Yes."

I started breathing rapidly after saying that one word. I felt tears come to my eyes and I started to shake. Sue
got up from her chair and sat down beside me. She placed a calm hand on my back and began rubbing in slow,
concentric circles, helping to slow my breathing.

"That's a very big decision, Edward." Her calm voice soothed me just as much as her touch. It felt maternal in
a way.

I have no idea how long we sat there. It could have been hours, but I'm sure it was only a few minutes. I gained
control of my breathing and Sue went back to sit in her chair.

"Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm okay." I nodded.

"Our time is up for today, Edward, but I'd like you to come back next week. Will you do that?" She closed her
small notebook, tented her hands together over her abdomen, and leaned back in her chair.

I nodded my head, unable to speak.

"Edward, you're going to be okay. You've just admitted you didn't want to be a doctor and the earth is still
spinning, time has moved on." She smiled at me and I let out a small laugh. While this wasn't something funny,
her pointing out that my decision didn't end the world as we know it made me realize the simple fact.

"I'll see you next week at the same time, alright?"

"Next week." I agreed.

~*~

78 

 

Driving back up Lake Shore Drive my mind was spinning along with my moods. I was euphoric one moment and
tense the next. Uncertainty was something I had never had to deal with. My path had been laid out in front of
me and now I had swept it away. I could barely keep up with my thoughts. I pulled into my garage space and
made my way up to the top of my building. I wanted a drink so badly, but I held off as I wanted to be stone-cold
sober when facing my parents. I absent-mindedly went to my laptop and pulled up Bella's blog. The action had
become a habit each time I was at my computer. My heart lurched as I saw a new post.

She had gone to Sicily and Tunisia. My mind went to thoughts of her with that womanizing

actor

exploring those

historic sites. I pictured Bella, her skin a light brown from her recent time in the sun, walking with him, hand in
hand. I could imagine her face filled with wonder as she touched and examined the small intricate details that
would draw her into her surroundings. The vacations we took were to more plush, tropical destinations, such as
Maui and St. Lucia. Place where relaxation was the main focus. Bella would always curl up with a book while I
decompressed. She would try to recommend other locations where sightseeing would be the main activity, but
I always balked on the idea. I wanted to go away and do nothing, not come home from vacation exhausted and
needing another vacation. I swallowed the lump in my throat and continued to read.

We have now sailed to Casablanca, a stop I requested as the movie holds fond memories for me. Morocco is

another fantastic country that I implore you to visit. The people are beautiful, kind, and so generous in their

dealings with visitors.

Even though this is the first time I've ever been here, I've seen the movie so many times and remember saying

the misquotation "Play it again, Sam"-- doing my awful Humphrey Bogart impression-- whenever I wanted

Edward to play a song again. He'd reply "My name is not 'Sam'." It would always crack me up. Yes, Edward does

in fact have a sense of humor. I swear, it's in there. The fact that I can still laugh about that memory makes me

happy-- makes me feel like maybe I'm doing something right-- although, it's another quote that has me thinking

more and more. At the end when Rick tells Ilsa that she'd regret not going with Victor, "Maybe not today, maybe

not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life." I haven't been able to get that scene out of my head. If I

hadn't left, if I had stayed and not done this thing that I know has caused so many-- including myself-- so much

pain, I would have regretted it forever. While I am empowered by my recent choices, I also find myself

melancholy due to actions I've taken in just the past few weeks.

I know I haven't talked about the specifics of how I came to be on this trip; I assume most of you know the

primary reason, but it has more to do with me-- I truly just wanted to find who I am now. I often wonder who

I would have become if I hadn't made certain choices. I don't mean to say that I've made the wrong ones; I don't

feel that way at all. It is more like Hansel and Gretel leaving their bread crumbs to find their way home. I feel that

I've left pieces of myself along the way, and I have to examine all of those empty spaces that were carved out--

and discover what should now fill them-- and this is something that I need to do without distraction.

My heart was pounding. I saw at the end of the post Bella had linked to a video of

As Time Goes By

and my

thoughts went to Alice and her humming the song this afternoon. It was no coincidence, she had read the post
before coming over earlier. I was stunned that Bella had mentioned me in her post-- a happy memory at that.
I closed my eyes and smiled at the thought of Bella screwing up her face and warbling out that horribly cliche
line, the "Sam" sounding more like "Sham." I could always make her laugh with my reply. I couldn't quite shake
the feeling that Bella sounded lonely. Did that mean Felix was no longer with her? She said she didn't need a
distraction. Was that all he was to her, a distraction and nothing more?
I groaned with frustration. I couldn't focus on this right now. I had to make my journey into the lion's den. I shut
my laptop and changed for dinner. My fingers ran through my ties and I lit upon a green, woven silk neck tie.
Bella had purchased this for me for some holiday years ago. She said it reminded her of my eyes, with the

79 

 

various greens weaved throughout the material. I pulled it from the rack and tied a Double Windsor.
Straightening the knot, the only words of Bella's I thought of now were of her feeling empowered by her
decisions. She had taken a brave step in her life. It was time I did the same.

~*~

I stepped out of the cab in front of the Union League and made my way inside the building. I had been coming
to this club-- located in the heart of historic downtown Chicago-- my entire life. My membership in it was never
a question, as both of my families had been founding members. It was exclusive, but it was also something
powerful. Members had been dedicated to bettering Chicago culture from its inception. Many monumental
decisions had been made in this magnificent building, I hoped what I was going to tell my parents tonight didn't
go down in the annuls of its history.

Nodding to various staff members, I made my way to the dining room.

"Dr. Cullen," the maitre'd greeted me. "So nice to see you again. Dr. and Mrs. Cullen have already been seated,
please follow me."

I walked behind him to the table and went over to my mother to kiss her on the cheek, our customary greeting.
She said nothing to me.

"Edward," my father said, standing to shake my hand. I held out my injured right hand and slowly lowered it,
grimacing at the awkward nature of this moment.

I sat down, giving him a slight wave, and as I did a waiter appeared.

"A drink, sir?"

Fuck it. After the day I had, I needed this. "Yes, thank you. Johnny Walker Blue, neat."

He nodded at my order and left our table. I turned my eyes to my parents. They were waiting for me to speak.

"Thank you for coming, both of you. I know I haven't been...around much lately."

My mother snorted her displeasure while my father simply listened.

"Please do get on with it, Edward," my mother said to me, with a dismissing wave of her hand. "Let's put this
behind us, shall we? It's been too long."

I was dumbstruck. "I...I'm sorry, what?"

Could they possibly know what I was going to say? Could it really be this easy? I expected theatrics-- at the very
least some tears from my mother-- not this.

"I assume you called us here to apologize for your deplorable behavior over the last several months and were
ready to move forward."

"My

behavior

?"

The waiter returned with my drink. I lifted it to my lips and took a large gulp, reveling in the fire that burned as

80 

 

the liquid made its way down my throat.

"Yes, Edward," she sighed, clearly exasperated at my confusion. "Your demeanor surrounding

the divorce

," she

said the words like they were some sort of transmittable disease, "was difficult to tolerate, at best, but we
understand the...painful nature of it. That is why your father and I allowed you a certain amount of leeway, but
enough is enough now. You need to begin to act like a Cullen again."

I was speechless. My head began to pound at the sudden bombardment of thoughts. Bella's words rang in my
ears about regret. Jasper's comments mingled with Emmett's about my mother and her overbearing nature. The
swirl of voices filled my head. I focused on quieting them down. I needed to do this. It needed to be me. I would
regret the things I hadn't done in my life for the rest of my life, but I wouldn't allow myself to continue to do
things I regretted. I had to start living

my

life. Whatever it was. I took another sip from my glass and sat it down

gently on the table. I looked up at my parents.

"I'm quitting medicine. I'm not going back."

My mother's sharp inhale pierced the air.

"Edward," she gasped, "this is ludicrous! Absolutely unacceptable."

"Mother, I'm an adult..."

"Then act like one!" she hissed. "You have had your time to act foolish the last few months, but no longer. Bella
is gone and you have your future to consider."

"I know Bella is gone, Mother, that's exactly my point. I do have

my

future to consider and

my

future does not

included me being a surgeon."

"Carlisle!" She exclaimed, turning to my father who had been sitting motionless and silent during the entire
exchange. "You need to talk some sense into your son. He's behaving like a lunatic!" Her screech was barely
contained. I noticed a few people at closer tables look our way.

"What would you like me to say, Esme?" My father said, lifting his tumbler of scotch to his lips and sipping. "It
looks to me that Edward has made up his mind."

"You cannot possibly agree with this, Carlisle!" she stammered, her hand at her throat in shock. "Have you lost
your mind right along with your son?"

My father set down his drink and looked at both of us in turn. "I've known for years Edward didn't want to be a
doctor, yet I said nothing. It was my own vanity and pride that stopped me and for that, Edward, I apologize."

A squeak was heard from my mother as her face began to redden. "No! No, I will not stand for this. Edward is
meant to be a doctor. It has always been that way and it will remain that way!"

"I think you're wrong, Esme darling. Just as wrong as you have always been about Edward. Just as wrong as I
have always been."

My mother's face was hardened with rage. "This is all because of that vile

woman

. She ruined you. From the

moment she walked into our lives, I knew she was going to be the absolute ruin of this family, but you both had
to push her onto us, didn't you?

Didn't you?!

" she shouted, this time garnering attention from most of the room.

81 

 

She stood and threw her napkin on the table. "I won't stand for this, Edward. I won't stand to be humiliated any
further by your actions. If you go through with this, I won't be a part of it."

"Esme," my father growled. "Sit. Down."

"No, Carlisle. I'm through here. I won't be made a fool of any longer."

"Mother," I implored.

She turned to me with a look I had never seen before. "You don't get to call me that. If you go through with this,
I will no longer consider you my son."

I was stunned and then I was angry. I stood up, towering over her, and threw my napkin on the table.

"If that is the way you would like to be then, fine. Your manipulations won't work this time,

Esme

," I stated with

as much disdain as I could muster for the woman who I had placed first my entire life. "I've done everything you
wanted me to do-- everything-- and I'm miserable. My wife left me, I hate my job, I'm this...this half-person,
grinding through my days. I'm thirty-one and I hate everything about my life. No more. I'm choosing myself this
time."

I saw every eye in the room on us, but I didn't care. I picked up my scotch and drained it. Slamming my glass
on the table, I turned from the room and walked out into the hallway. I stormed from the building and walked
East on Jackson. I kept walking until I hit Grant Park. I stopped and tried to control my angry, rough breathing.
I was sweating in my suit coat from the exertion so I finally removed it and rolled up my shirt sleeves. Throwing
my coat over my shoulder I made my way toward one of the city's most treasured monuments. The walk took
me another five minutes, but once I stood in front of it and watched the water shoot into the air and splash into
the pool at its base, I let my emotions go. I, Edward Cullen, the man everyone thought impervious to all
emotion, faced Buckingham Fountain and cried like a lost child.

~*~

Chapter: 11

Friday, August 15, 2008

I had not slept. I could still see my moth–

Esme's

face glaring at me and it was killing me.

Flight of the Bumblebee

emanated from my suit coat which I had haphazardly tossed over the back of the couch when I stumbled in
sometime early this morning. I knew if I didn't answer Alice's call she would just keep calling, or worse, come
over here. I reached behind me and dug through my pocket, eventually closing my hand around my phone. I
glanced down at my watch before answering. It was just past six o'clock. Alice always was an early riser.

"Alice." My voice was raw; nothing but gravel.

"Oh, Edward. God, are you alright? You sound awful. Fuck, was it as bad as I think it was?" Alice cried.

"Have you talked to either of them?" I needed to know if there had been any residual fallout yet.

"No, honey. I thought I'd wait to talk to you. I was sure Mom would call me, but I haven't heard from her or Dad.
What happened?"

"It was bad." I sighed, rubbing furiously at the stubble along my jaw with my free hand. "Look, Alice, I really

82 

 

don't want to rehash it right now. Can you give me some time? I need to figure out some things in my head. I'll
call you soon, I promise."

"Please don't disappear again, Edward," she begged. "We all love you so much. We're here for you, you just
have to let us in, sweetie."

I knew she was just being honest, but her words sliced at my heart like a scalpel. I didn't want to cut my family
out of my life. I missed them and knew now, more than ever, I'd need their support. If Esme was going to pull
the crap on me like she did last night, I could not imagine what she'd say to my brother and sister.

"I won't, Alice. I promise," I said, meaning every damn word. "I'll call you tomorrow, alright?"

"Thank you, Edward. You know Jasper and I are here for you, anytime you need us. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Sounds good."

I ended the call, and as I tossed the phone on the cushion next to me I let out a dry laugh. I hadn't said
"goodbye." What the

hell

was up with that?

I started bouncing my knees and running my hands through my hair. I needed caffeine or a drink. Anything to
get my mind off the fact that my life was total shit. Agitated, I picked up my phone and dialed. After several rings
I was sent to voice mail.

"Dr. Clear–I mean Sue, this is Edward Cullen. Is there anyway I can see you before Thursday? Please call me
back."

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I was staring out the window of Sue's office at a small fountain. The splashing water made me think of standing
in front of Buckingham Fountain four days ago. Fuck. Had it only been four days? It felt like a lifetime had
passed.

"Edward?"

I snapped my head around to look at Sue. I could see concern plastered all over her face.

"Have you talked to your parents at all since then?" she inquired gingerly.

"You mean my father and

Esme

?" I growled. I had just finished telling her about "The Dinner", the moniker that

the night I informed my parents of my plans to quit medicine had become known as. "I spoke with my father
briefly yesterday. He informed me that Esme had flown to Arizona to 'recover' at a spa in Sedona."

"Other than that bit of news, how did the conversation with your father go?"

I roughly ran my hand through my hair. "Fairly well, actually. I mean, I am angry at him, but at the same time
I don't really have the energy to do anything about it. He's reticent about the whole thing so...I don't know, I just
want to move forward. I'm tired of all the drama. I just want to...I don't know...break free from it all." I shrugged
my shoulders at the apathy I was currently feeling.

I knew my voice communicated the abject dejection I wore like a shroud. I just wanted to strip myself free from

83 

 

the weight that I had been carrying for as long as I could fucking remember. I let out a loud growl of frustration.

"Alright, let's stop with this for now, we'll let it lie for a few days and see what happens. Let's talk about what you
are going to do now? What do you see your next steps as being?"

"I did talk with my father about that a little bit," I said, as I threaded my fingers together in front of me. "I'm
actually able to complete my general surgical residency. I have enough hours."

"How do you feel about that?" she asked in her perfect therapist voice.

"Well...part of me is glad that I'm not just flushing my entire residency down the john, but mostly I don't care.
I know giving up medicine is what I need to do. What I do from here...well, that's just a big blank."

"Alright, let's talk practicalities then. What will you do for money? How will you live?"

"I have money. I mean, I received control of my trust fund when I was twenty-five. There's enough there to live
on. I need to figure out some specifics, but right now I'm not going to starve or anything. I have the condo. I
could sell that." I laughed at that thought.

"What do you find funny about that?" Sue asked, the confusion plain to see on her face.

"Bella hates that place. From the minute she saw it, she hated it and wanted to get rid of it."

"Why do you think that was?"

"Always with the questions..." I looked at Sue and she smirked at my teasing and motioned for me to answer
her, not allowing me to brush it off.

"I don't know... No, that's not true. It's because it symbolized everything she never wanted to become. Bella's
family comes from, uh, rather simple means. I'm not passing judgment. Honestly, they are just normal people
with regular jobs and houses. The trappings that came along with my life were always something Bella fought
against. My parents bought us the condo as a wedding present, fully furnished. Bella called it our 'gilded cage'."

"How did that make you feel?"

"Honestly? Angry. I mean she was hands off with the wedding, letting my mother and Alice plan the whole thing
and then when we received the condo she was less than enthused. I set aside my irritation at her because I
loved her so damn much. I still do...I just wanted us to be..." I trailed off, not sure what more I wanted to say
on that subject.
"Be what? Come on, Edward," Sue pleaded, leaning forward. "Finish that thought."

"Happy."

"Was there a time you and Bella were happy?"

"Yes, of course. I was. We were. I mean, not all the time, but we were most of the time. I got so busy with med
school. I just wanted us to have a place that could be ours and my parents wanted to help us. They bought
Emmett and Rose their home and did the same with Alice and Jasper last year when they got married."

"So all your siblings have penthouse condos in the city?" she asked, eyebrow cocked in questioning.

84 

 

"No...no. Uh...Emmett and Rose have a brownstone by Wrigley and Alice and Jasper have a house in Evanston."

Sue was quiet for a moment as she finished making a note. "Do you think those homes match the personalities
of your siblings' spouses?"

I thought about her question. Images of the two houses flipped through my mind. I could see how Jasper and
Rose had both made those houses their homes. I knew before Sue even asked that the condo wasn't the same
for Bella. It had been decorated to the nth degree by my mother. It was minimalist, but still, there had never
been a chance for Bella to make it her home. From the very first step we took into the place she must have
known. I felt a tear slide down my cheek. My poor Bella. Fuck. I had been so wrapped up in my own shit I hadn't
even considered what Bella would have felt. I raised my eyes to meet Sue's. I wiped at my wet cheeks and
nodded my head.

I cleared my throat and let my breath out between my teeth. "Bella never had a chance, did she? Fuck, this was
all my fault." I sniffed.

"This isn't about assigning blame, Edward. I just wanted you to take a moment to think about it from Bella's
perspective. We can't change what happened. We need to think about your life from this point forward. You
don't know if Bella will be a part of that or not, but

you

most certainly are. This is about

you

, Edward, and I am

committed to helping you make your life what you want it to be."

I took a minute to look at this woman. This woman who I had spent only a few hours with, in my entire life. And,
I realized she was doing more to help me than my own mother was. That thought made me want to fucking
vomit, but it also made me feel somewhat hopeful, that I had someone to help me through this. I thought of
Alice and Jasper, and Emmett and Rose. And Joshua. My baby nephew, my godson. I had good in my life and
I was letting it slip by me once again. I couldn't let those relationships suffer like I had with Bella. I loved her so
goddamn much and it was killing me that we were apart.

I would do just about anything to get her back, even though I'm sure she wouldn't take me.

I still wanted her.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

"I'd like to talk to you about Bella's blog, Edward."

I was leaning back on the small loveseat in Sue's office with my hands thrown behind my head and my feet
stretched out before me. Our session was almost over and it had been a lesson in complete futility as I had spent
most of my time lamenting the situation with my mother and the fact I let Bella slip through my fingers. I had
mentioned I was still checking her blog religiously to see if she had updated. I knew I had become a tad bit
obsessive. Sue was being patient with me, but it was obvious this round of "Edward feels sorry for himself"
wasn't one she was particularly enjoying. I pursed my lips and let out a short breath through my nose.

"What about it?" I asked like a petulant child.

"I'd like to ask you to stop reading it for now," she said with a calm demeanor.

That got my attention and I bolted upright in my seat. "Why would I do that?"
"I think your obsession with Bella's activities are reaching an unhealthy level, Edward. You need to distance

85 

 

yourself. You do see that don't you?"

"I..." I had no words. Of course I knew this. I knew it every time I read the damn thing I was only making it
worse on myself, but I couldn't help it.

"Will you at least think about it? We can talk more during our next session."

"Uh, yeah...I...yeah, I can think about it," I agreed.

"Edward, let's change tracks a little. Aside from a memory with Bella, can you tell me about a time where you
were truly happy and content?"

"I don't know." I was still sulking about being admonished for reading Bella's blog and I knew I was acting like
a spoiled child.

"Try to think of one," Sue pushed.

"Um, okay... Summer before my senior year in high school I played Godowsky's

Sonata in E minor

, all five

movements, for one of my parents' parties."

"You'll have to help me here," she said with a smile. "I'm not familiar with that piece."

"Let's just say it's...difficult," I elaborated for her. "But, I played it flawlessly. That made me feel really good."

"Wonderful! Can you tell me another time where you felt most alive."

"Aside from being with Bella?" I clarified.

"Yes, Edward. This is about

you

."

"For my sixteenth birthday my dad arranged for me to play the CSO's grand on the main stage. My family were
the only people there, but it still felt pretty awesome."

"That does sound like an incredible experience, Edward," she said, her voice filled with amazement.

I nodded my head at the memories. They were both up there as far as moments where I felt like a king.

"Have you played recently?"

"My piano?" I asked.

She nodded at my question.

"No, it's in Lake Forest at my parents' house."

"Why is that?" There was no malice in her voice, but my defenses started kicking up.

"I had no time. Why move it when the only playing I ever did was at my parents'?"

"What about now? Do you have time now?"

86 

 

"Time is all I have..." I scoffed as I met her eyes. Her black orbs were burning into me. "What?" I asked.

She removed her glasses and arched an eyebrow at me. I felt like a teenager for a moment and realized this
must be the look she gave her children. It took me a few seconds to figure out what she was getting at.

"Ohhh...yeah. I have time now, but...I just never thought to move it. I mean, I guess I could, right? It's mine."
I rubbed at the back of my head, suddenly deep in thought. My answers to Sue's questions about the times
where I was most happy filtered through my mind.

I met her gaze. I nodded my understanding and was met with a smile.

"Wonderful. Well, our time is up for today, but I'll see you on Tuesday, alright?"

We said our goodbyes and I headed to my car. Once inside I got out my phone and called information.

"City and state, please," the female voice asked.

"Chicago, Illinois," I answered.

"Go ahead, please."

"I need the number for a piano moving company."

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

"So, tell me. How does it feel to have your piano again?" Sue asked, a smile plastered all over her face.

"Good," I answered, "but I'm a little rusty."

"That doesn't surprise me. You mentioned you have played only very little over the last nine or so years,
correct?"

"Yeah, mostly just Christmas carols during the holidays. I just didn't have time. I had put that phase behind me,
you know? I was focused on medicine."

Sue scribbled some notes down and the looked up at me. "Was it difficult arranging the move? How did your
parents react?"

"It was pretty easy actually as my...as

Esme

is still in Arizona. My father was more than accommodating about

the whole thing."

"Edward, she's still your mother. No matter what, you know this."

I rolled my eyes and nodded. My anger at Esme was actually subsiding and I was feeling irritated more than
anything. Both of my siblings had received calls from her over the weekend where she played up her fragile state
and how my "heartless actions" had almost killed her. Emmett had gotten so frustrated with her that he handed
the phone off to Rosalie, which ended up earning him a night in the guest room. Alice, on the other hand, had
spent nearly an hour trying to smooth things over with her, to no avail. I ended up sending Alice a giant bouquet
of hydrangea as an apology for putting her through that.

87 

 

"So you've been playing?"

"Some, yeah," I answered. "I have been going through the music Bella sent me. Whoever owned that sheet
music was pretty eclectic, but I'm getting back into the groove. I just wish my fingers would cooperate on some
of the harder pieces."

"I'm sure that will come with time. I mean you had to practice your surgical skills, suturing and the like, correct?"

"Yeah, that required quite a bit of practice, but I know how to play the piano. I did it for most of my life and I
am getting so damned frustrated that I almost don't want to bother."

I heard Sue's pen scratch against the paper and wondered for the countless time just what she was writing down
about me.

"Have you thought about taking lessons?"

I exploded in laughter at the idea.

Sue looked at me straight faced.

"You're

serious

?" I asked incredulously.

"Why not? If you have a skill you need to improve upon, doesn't it make sense to seek out a professional to help
you with it?"

"Piano lessons? Look, Sue. I'm not trying to be an ass here, but I don't need

piano lessons

. I'll get it on my own.

I just need to play some more."

She nodded at me.

The rest of our session went by quickly and I told her I'd see her on Thursday.

"Edward," she said before I walked out her office door, "good luck with the playing."

I nodded in thanks and quietly left.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

"I'm still really frustrated and it is just making things worse. If the damn thing wasn't worth a small fortune I'd
probably beat it into a pile of rubble."

Sue looked at me and then let out a deep sigh. She took off her glasses and set her pen and pad down on the
side table next to her chair.

"Edward, what I'm about to do is outside the norm, but I just have a feeling about it. If you trust me, I'd like you
take you on a little field trip."

I knew I trusted her implicitly. I stood and followed her out the door.

88 

 

Saturday, September 13, 2008

I fought waking up for as long as I could stand it before I rolled over and glanced at my clock. The numbers
"4:48" glared back at me. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to break the habit of waking before five
o'clock in the morning. I groaned and swung my feet out of bed. The cold floor helped the process of waking up
a bit, but I knew that until my feet hit the pavement fifty stories below, my body wouldn't be fully awake. I
dragged myself to my closet and threw on my running clothes.

After inhaling a protein bar, I grabbed my iPod and a bottle of water and entered the elevator to do some light
stretching during the ride to the ground floor. I keyed up my heavy beats mix to help keep my mind focused
solely on the run, and not on the significance of today. I wasn't ready to go there yet. Instead I stepped onto the
street and concentrated on my form as I began making my way to the lake shore, taking long and easy strides.
The city was deserted, this pre-dawn morning, and I loved it. I reached the lake shore and was greeted by
crashing waves and a cool breeze. I turned south and headed toward Hyde Park. My run would take me to where
I was being waited for, just like it had almost every day since I met her. To say I was enamored with the woman
was an understatement. I had completely adored her from the first moment I saw her. I could hardly deny that
my change in attitude wasn't directly related to her entering my life. You know how they say when you close a
door, a window opens? She was my window.

I ran hard for almost an hour and looked up to see that I was rounding the curve at The Point. I ran to the
underpass at 56th Street and headed west to make my way to the old, stately homes that graced Woodlawn
Avenue. It had to be almost six-thirty now and I knew she would be awake and have a pot of tea waiting. I
couldn't believe I had only known her for two weeks, and it was all Sue's doing. I laughed to myself at the
memory of my reaction to the idea of piano lessons. Turned out Sue knew I needed something more akin to life
lessons, and that's exactly what I was getting from my new friend.

I came out of my thoughts as I reached the massive brick home's black oak front door and knocked loudly. I
heard her slow, heavy steps as she approached the door and listened as the bolt was thrown and the knob
turned to allow the door to swing open.
"Good morning, beautiful," I said, my trademarked crooked smirk in place.

"Good mornin', indeed! Get inside before the neighbors start some gossip," she chuckled, ushering me into the
foyer. "My, you're a mess, lad. Did ya swim over?" she asked, her full, round face beaming up at me.

I smiled down at the wrinkled, old woman before me and grinned.

"I sweat. I'm a man, what can I say?" I teased her.

"Well,

Mr. Man

, stay put, let me get ya a towel. I cannot have ya dripping all over me carpets."

I watched as she hauled her self back into the depths of the house. I waited patiently as I knew it would take
her some time. Siobhan O'Rourke was not a small woman by any means. At just barely over five feet tall, I
couldn't imagine she weighed any less than three hundred pounds. The doctor in me worried about her weight,
but she scoffed at any attempts I had made at discussing it. She informed me that she had lived her life as she
pleased for over seventy-seven years and had no plans to change her ways, even for "a fine whipper-snapper"
such a myself. I was unable to come up with a valid argument after that as she was without a doubt one of the
most content people I had ever met.

"Here ya are, my boy," she said, returning to where I stood and handed me a large towel. "Dry off and make yer
way to the parlor. I have tea and those scones ya like."

89 

 

"The cranberry ones?" I asked excitedly. Siobhan's scones kicked ass. It was the butter.

"Aye, now come on. Daylight's a wasting," she smiled as she turned to leave me in the entry way.

I dried myself off as best as I could, thankful for my quick dry apparel, and made my way into the parlor where
Siobhan had set up our morning nosh and where her ancient Broadwood piano resided. I'll never forget seeing
that piano for the first time. The condition of the instrument and the detailing of the inlay made it simply a piece
of art and I had told her so. It had been in her father's family since the late 1800's and was truly priceless. The
fact that she allowed me to play it, the same piano her famous father had taught her on and the piano that she
had taught hundreds of students on herself was something I had yet to fully grasp, but Siobhan was a woman
full of mysteries. I felt like I had known her my entire life, but truly knew very little about the life she had led.

I met Siobhan for the first time two weeks ago after declaring to Sue that I was ready to take a sledgehammer
to my piano. She asked me to walk a few blocks with her so she could introduce me to a friend of hers. I was
still balking at the idea of needing lessons, but on the walk Sue told me of Siobhan's father, Wallace Clifton. He
had been a famous pianist that had played on all the grand stages throughout the world in the '20s and I was
more than a little curious to meet this woman and possibly hear about him.

Her home was on Hyde Park's illustrious Woodlawn Avenue, and while it was in need of some slight repair and
general upkeep, it was stately nonetheless. We were warmly greeted by a plump older woman with one of the
kindest faces I had ever seen and I knew I had made the right decision to visit here with Sue. Siobhan made us
feel at home. When I told her about my taking up piano again, and how I was having some issues with some of
the more complex pieces, she looked at me and said straight out that it was my head getting in the way of my
heart. We had worked together over the next few days and ended up talking about everything from music, art,
books and philosophy. She'd place pieces in front of me as I sat at the Broadwood and then tell me to play. Some
were things I had never heard of while others were pieces I had played during my youth. She'd interrupt me
occasionally and tell me to replay something, giving me pointers and simple exercises which she jokingly called
"piano rehab." Today was the day I would show her our time together had worked.

"Alright, boy, after yer tea and one, yes just one of those scones, play me the Schumann piece and we'll see how
those fingers of yers fly."

I nodded as I stuffed half a scone in my mouth. I had been working on the first four movements of

Carnaval

, a

favorite of Siobhan's, for the last few days and had felt like my old self for the first time in almost a decade.
Playing had become fun again. I wiped my hands clean and walked over to the Broadwood. I sat down and let
the music flow out of me. The rich tones of the instrument filled the room and I felt Siobhan's eyes on me the
entire time. I ended the piece and turned to her. Her wrinkled face was grinning from ear to ear.

"That was just fine, Edward, just fine," she said, beaming at me. "We just needed to get yer fingers to remember
what to do, didn't we? Doesn't look like there is a problem connecting yer heart to yer playing anymore now,
does it?"

"I really appreciate your help, Siobhan, and I have truly enjoyed our time. Would you mind terribly if...if I
continued to come see you?"

"Ya mean, do I mind having a handsome, young man play me beautiful songs?" She laughed. "I don't mind at
all. In fact, if'en

ya

don't mind, maybe I could have yer help with some of me more advanced students. It's me

hands, ya know? They keep tightening up and as the winter months come on, me joints just keep getting stiffer.
I would be happy to split the lesson fees with ya if it's a matter of paying for yer time."

90 

 

"No! No, please, really, I'd...I'd love to help. I mean, I've never taught a lesson, but I'll help however you need
me too."

Her smile told me all I needed to hear.

"Yer a good boy, Edward."

Something in the way she said it made me sad and I could see it saddened her as well.

We chatted about some of the students she wanted help with and now that I seemed to be over my fingering
issues, I was actually looking forward to this. We made arrangements for me to come back on Wednesday to
meet with the first student I was to help teach. She ushered me to the door explaining she had a bridge club to
get ready for and then I was off running back the way I came up the lake shore.

Upon arriving home, I took a quick shower and tried in vain to not think about it being Bella's birthday. I putzed
around the condo and found myself back at my piano, digging through the stack of music she had sent me. I
ended up playing several of the pieces before my fingers stumbled upon the short melody that brought my
thoughts right back to the truth of the day: Bella was somewhere in the world celebrating her thirty-first birthday
without me. If she had been here, I'm sure we would have had a small party. Alice and Rose would have spoiled
her and I'm sure I would have purchased her a piece of jewelry that was deemed "too much," but my guilt would
have made it impossible not to over-spend. If Bella hadn't left, things would have been exactly the same. We

both

would have been miserable. While that thought left an ache in my heart, a small smile took shape on my

face as I remembered the first of her birthdays we shared.

~*~

September 13, 1995

In the three short weeks that I had known Bella, I don't think an hour passed that I didn't think of her in at least

some small way. Her entry into my life was like a blast of winter air off Lake Michigan, something you felt clear

to your bones. The night we sat and talked at The Lodge was the first time I had really let myself completely

relax with someone outside of my family. I had dated occasionally while in high school, but the girls were never

truly interested in me. They were more attracted to my last name or how my social standing could benefit them.

Second dates were a rarity. But, it was different with Bella. I won't deny that the fact she knew nothing about

me before we met was an attractive quality, but Bella was truly without guile. She was intelligent and funny,

unabashedly humble and truly the best person I had ever met. I knew after that first night I would want her in

my life for the rest of it. Emmett and Rose were confounded by my behavior toward her, but they had both taken

to Bella as much as I had and were happy that I had finally found someone. The fact that it was a girl they liked

was a bonus.

Finding time in the day to spend with each other, with our busy academic schedules, had been difficult. My

decision to live off campus didn't help the situation. But on days like today, having privacy was very handy

indeed. It was Bella's eighteenth birthday. I was shocked to learn that she started college at only seventeen

years of age. She explained that her mother, who was a school teacher, had petitioned for the almost five year

old, and already reading at a second grade level, Bella to be accepted early into kindergarten. I made a note to

thank Bella's mother for her actions, as it allowed Bella to be here at Madison with me now. Setting fate aside

for the moment, I hurriedly finished the final touches on Bella's birthday dinner before leaving to pick her up at

her dorm.

91 

 

The drive over to campus seemed to take ages as I drummed my fingers against the gear shift and steering

wheel. After what felt like an hour, truly more like thirty-five minutes, I pulled up to Bella's dorm and watched

her as she came bounding down the steps. I quickly got out and walked around the car to open her door. The

gesture always made her blush and I can't deny I didn't enjoy seeing that, but I was raised to open a lady's door.

The fact that Bella was

my lady

made it even more important to me. I put my arm in front of her before she could

sit down in the car and she looked up at me quizzically. I brought my lips down to her upturned face and kissed

her gently.

"Happy Birthday, Bella," I breathed, giving her one more kiss which she softly returned.

"Thank you," She smiled, her skin blooming into that irresistible blush of hers."Although you already wished me

one earlier when you brought me breakfast."

"I didn't realize there was a limit on the times I could say that to my girlfriend," I teased. I moved my arm and

helped her in the car. She looked up at me and shook her head. The smile on her lips let me know that while

attention wasn't something Bella craved, she would accept it from me. I reveled in the knowledge that I was the

exception to many of Bella's "rules."

The drive back over to Monona went quickly and I had us back to my parent's house a little before seven.

"It's just us, right? I mean people aren't going to jump out at me and yell 'Surprise!' or anything are they?"

I laughed and nodded my head. "It's only us, just like you asked for."

When I had asked Bella what she wanted to do for her birthday last week she said she just wanted to be with

me. Her statement made me feel like a million dollars. It might have pissed Rosalie off, as she wanted to throw

a big party for such a monumental birthday, but Bella held strong to her wishes. Rose knew she had no room to

argue as finding time alone with Emmett was something she took very seriously herself and having Bella out of

their room helped them a great deal as well. As the thirteenth fell on a Wednesday, there wasn't too much we

could do as we both had early classes the next morning, so I knew dinner at my house would be a perfect

solution. We could be alone and I could play the piano for her. Rose had clued me on the fact that my

relationship with Bella was too new for any major gift, so I came up with the idea of recording myself playing

some of my favorite songs. Luckily I had been able to get time in the studio on campus and I had the finalized

CD wrapped and waiting inside with eighteen red roses on my piano.

I held Bella's hand as we walked into the house and she gasped at what she saw. I had placed votive candles

in tall, clear glass cylinders around the entire house, filling the rooms with a warm glow. Fire hazard be damned,

my lady was going to be romanced.

"Edward." She sighed. "It's so beautiful."

"Not half as beautiful as you are, Bella."

I felt her small arms wrap around my waist and her face press into my chest. I bent my head toward her and

placed a kiss on the top of her head. I could have stood there in the entryway holding her for hours, but I was

impatient for her to see what else I had done to celebrate the day of her birth.

"Come on, I want to show you the rest," I smiled, as I pulled her further into the house. She just shook her head

at my efforts to move her. She grabbed both of my hands and looked deeply into my eyes. I could already see

tears forming before she spoke.

92 

 

"Edward, nobody has ever gone to this type of effort for me. Ever," she said, her voice cracking slightly. "Thank

you so much. I love y-it." She blushed at her almost admittance at her true feelings.

My heart soared.

Bella and I had yet to exchange "I love yous" and I planned on not only telling her that verbally tonight, but

hopefully showing her she had all my love throughout the night via my actions. She seemed touched by the

setting I had created and now I wanted to get her fed and start serenading her with the piano selections I had

recorded on the CD for her. I took her hand and pulled her into the sitting room where the piano was. While this

wasn't my Bösendorfer–which was still safely ensconced in my family's home in Lake Forest–this Knabe Concert

Grand had been in my mother's family for over sixty years and had a rich, wonderful sound. It was the piano I

learned to play on and as such would always hold a special place in my heart.

I had spread a blanket on the wood floor and had our dinner waiting. I figured a picnic on the floor would be

something Bella would enjoy and the smile on her face as she settled beside me let me know I had chosen well.

I had a varied selection of fruits and vegetables with a variety of dips, as well as fresh bread and a baked wheel

of brie for us to start. I had some sparkling cider chilling in an ice bucket and even brought out the champagne

flutes my family used whenever we were at this house for any type of celebration. We laughed and talked, taking

turns feeding each other until Bella laid back on the blanket and declared she was stuffed.

I stood up and reached for her hand. "Come sit by me. I want to play for you."

She smiled as she took my hand and excitedly walked with me to the piano. I sat her down on the bench next

to me and started to play. I moved and swayed to the music and could hear Bella's soft sighs throughout the

pieces and sounds of recognition as each new song would begin. I had chosen ten songs and as the final strains

of the last one filtered through the room I turned to look at Bella. Tears trailed down her ivory cheeks, so I lifted

my hands from the keys and softly brushed them away.

"Don't cry, Bella," I said, leaning forward to press my lips to her damp skin.

"I can't help it," she sobbed. "That was the best moment of my entire life."

Smiling at her statement, I kissed her softly and reached over for her gift.

"Happy Birthday,

yet again

, Bella." I smiled, handing the small package to her.

She rolled her eyes at me. "Edward, you didn't have to buy me anything, really, tonight was totally enough of a

gift."

"Humor me, alright?" I chuckled.

Resigned she gently opened one of the flaps on the paper and carefully removed the paper. She was lucky

Emmett wasn't around as he couldn't stand when people opened their gifts like that. He was a firm believer in

ripping and tearing your way to the present. She pulled out the CD and looked at me a bit confused. I had tried

my best to make the cover festive. I drew a birthday cake and put eighteen candles on it and a banner across

the top with "Happy Birthday Bella!" Under the cake I wrote out the song titles and composers, not all of them

were classical, I had included several current songs that translated well to piano.

"I recorded myself playing all of these songs for you. Do you like it?"

93 

 

"I...Edward...I just...wow. This is so amazing. Really, thank you," she said through her soft sobs.

I couldn't help but wrap her in my arms and hold her close to me. We sat there tangled in each other for a few

minutes before I pulled back. Bella looked up at me and I brought my gaze to lock on her face. I could see her

eyes questioning my movement away from her and I wanted to quell any doubt she had as to my motives. It was

time.

"I love you, Bella. Happy Birthday, my beautiful swan."

Her small gasp and a fresh round of tears brought a slight smile to my face. I couldn't help it. Her surprise at my

words was something I had expected. Verbalizing my love for her was just a not simply a formality. Those

simple, but unquestionably true words, were something I had wanted to tell her for awhile. I knew that hearing

those words would mean something deep to Bella and wanted the moment to be perfect for her. I had never

said them in that context before to anyone and I never planned on saying them to anyone but her for the rest

of my life. I knew if Bella had any idea of how deeply I loved her or my expectations of our love she would be

terrified, but I couldn't hold them in any longer.

"Oh, Edward...I...I love you too. So much." She let out a small giggle.

I furrowed my brow in confusion as to why she would be laughing. "What?"

"Oh, um...it's just that

that

was actually the best moment of my life."

I smiled along with her. "Mine too, love."

~*~

I wiped my eyes free of the tears that had formed from that bittersweet memory and stood up from the piano
bench. Determined, I made my way to the kitchen where my laptop sat. I opened a browser window and did
something I hadn't done in almost three weeks, I pulled up Bella's blog. She had posted an entry earlier in the
day and with curiosity I noted that she was in Bournemouth, England.

What the hell?

How did she get there? Not

wanting to get side-tracked I decided to do what I had come here for and clicked on the comment section of her
most recent post.

The blinking cursor taunted me, calling me out.

Pussy. Pussy. Pussy.

"Jesus, you

are

a pussy, Just do it already. She sent you something for your birthday, this is the least you can

do," I whispered aloud. Luckily Bella accepted anonymous comments as I don't know if I would have done this
any other way. I was indeed a giant pussy.

I typed out my message and hit enter before I could completely wuss out. I sat back in my chair and let out the
breath I had been holding. It was done...now I had the time to find out why she wasn't on the boat with Peter
and Charlotte headed to New Zealand.

~*~ BPOV ~*~

September 13, 2008

Celebrating one's birthday by themselves sucks. I can't lie. It does, but I had found a good Thai restaurant not

94 

 

far from my hotel and as always, good Thai makes most things bearable. I hadn't been forgotten, as I received
calls from my parents and Alice and Rose, but still, I had never been alone on this day before.

This was all still feeling a bit surreal as it was only two weeks ago that I was saying a tear filled goodbye to Peter
and Charlotte in Port Elizabeth, South Africa. Charlotte's unexpected pregnancy had wreaked havoc on our trip.
She was violently ill and we all agreed that other arrangements had to be made. It was quickly decided that the
boat would be harbored there until another crew could be hired to sail it the remaining seven thousand nautical
miles to New Zealand and that the newly expecting parents would themselves fly home to Wellington. They both
asked me to join them, but I declined. This was a time for them to be focused on each other and not to be
worried about hosting a guest. I was a bit sad that I wouldn't be going with them as I had been anxious to see
the beautiful splendor of the island, but promises were made that once the baby arrived happy and healthy I
would come for a visit. I thought it might also be an excellent time for Alice and Jasper to visit as I was missing
them horribly and wanted to see them, even if it meant everyone flying to the edge of the world for us all to be
together.

I had spent several days in South Africa on my own trying to figure out what to do next when the idea came to
me to visit all the homes of my favorite authors and poets. With my proclivity for English writers I decided to hop
on a plane in Johannesburg and flew eleven hours to London. I had to admit that flying first class on British
Airways felt

really

good after so much time on the boat, so I checked into The Dorchester and took advantage

of every amenity they had. It was worth every last pound I spent. I'd spent just over a week in London and made
sure to do every tourist thing I could imagine and after my fill I meandered my way down to Bournemouth. I was
enjoying the myself immensely.

It was late and I was tired after a day of exploring the countryside, but was very pleased with my choice to come
all the way to Dorset.

Tess of the d'Ubervilles

and

Jude the Obscure

were both on my all time favorites list and

as such I'd never forget my visit to Thomas Hardy's cottage. I could now check Mr. Hardy off my newly created
"must-see"list. I was tired and let out a giant yawn, but I still needed to plan out my trip to St. Ives in Cornwall
for my homage to Virginia Woolf tomorrow. Dragging out my laptop and the map of famous sites I bought I saw
I had a new comment to moderate for my poor little blog. Clicking on it my heart started to pound. It was from

"A Friend"

and it simply said

"Happy Birthday, beautiful swan."

I gasped.

Edward.

He remembered

AN: CSO: Chicago Symphony Orchestra

Siobhan has a slight Irish accent. Nothing major, you'll find out why in coming chapters. I really tried to make

it as subtle as possible. Any mistakes to that end are entirely mine. Her father is an OC of mine. You'll find out

more about him later.

So...BPOV - yes, she's back. It's time to start weaving her into the story again. What does that mean for the

blog? Well, I will do the best I can with that.

Chapter: 12

October 15, 2008

In the weeks since my birthday I had traveled to St. Ives in order to commune with the left over vibes of Virginia
Woolf's childhood. The place had been one of such happiness for her and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't trying to
capture some of what the seaside village had to offer. Bouts of melancholy plagued me when I let myself think

95 

 

too freely about Edward and our divorce. I felt immense guilt over my time with Felix and even though we parted
on good terms I still felt like I used him as a salve for my broken heart. I tried to set those feelings aside as soon
as they hit me as I knew they were futile and would only serve to bring me more heartache. I focused instead
on the town I was in, the unique qualities it had to offer and what made it so special to someone whose creative
genius I admired. At least that is what I tried to do.

When I felt my time in St. Ives had come to its natural end, I decided to drive the four hours north to Bath. I
couldn't pass up an opportunity to explore the setting of my favorite Austen novel,

Persuasion

. I had always

preferred Anne Elliot to the other more popular Austen heroines. For some reason she seemed more genuine
than the typical favorite, Elizabeth Bennett. It was a treat to let my mind wander back to Regency times as I
toured the museum at the Royal Crescent, home to the Elliots during their time in Bath. It was wonderful how
so much history had been retained in this country. Just as amazing was how much time could be wasted in used
bookshops and pubs, and when I was not getting my fangirl fix on, I was content to to expend my days in such
a manner. I had actually become quite adept at holding a book in one hand and eating and drinking with the
other.

The one drawback to being in England at this time of year was that I had to purchase some new clothes. My
traveling wardrobe didn't mesh very well with the cooler temperatures, but thanks to the rental car, the extra
piece of luggage wasn't that big of deal. I had amassed a small collection of books as well that had taken
residence in the back seat of the car. It was one of my quirks that once I owned a book, parting with it was
practically impossible. After four months of my vagabond lifestyle, having possessions again felt kind of good. I
didn't allow myself to think about what I would do with them when it came time to leave the UK for whatever
location I picked when it came time to move on.

I had found a battered copy of

Under Milk Wood

by Dylan Thomas at a shop outside of Bristol a few days ago,

and after reading it over lunch of Shepard's Pie and a little digging on the Internet, I decided to drive the two
hours to Thomas' home Wales. When I arrived in Laugharne, it didn't take me long to realize I wanted to stay
for a bit. There was something about the place that sucked me in. I had found a cute little inn that was dirt cheap
due to the season and booked the room for two weeks. On my third night in Laugharne, just as I was about to
go to sleep, my phone rang and based on the song I knew it Alice was calling. It was late afternoon in Chicago,
an odd time for her to be calling me.

"Hi Alice. Is everything all right?"

"Hi Bella. Um, yeah, generally speaking, things are fine I guess. I just called to see how you are doing."

There was something to her voice that led me to believe that wasn't the complete truth, but I was too tired from
a day walking along the shore to dig too deeply into it.

"I'm good. I'm in Wales, actually."

"Wales? Wow. So, who lived there? Sorry. I haven't had much time to check your blog."

Again, her tone was bordering on aggressive. Something was definitely up.

"That's all right," I laughed. "I haven't had a lot of time to update with anything really interesting."

"Oh, I talked to Charlotte," Alice cried, changing the subject in a completely random, very Alice-like way. "She's
sad you didn't go with them, but understands why you didn't, and you're never going to believe this...they're
having twins!"

96 

 

"Twins? Oh my gosh, that's so incredible!"

I truly was happy for Charlotte and Peter. They had shown me such kindness the entire time I was with them,
but the decision to not travel to New Zealand with them was the right one for me.

"Yes, I guess that's why she was so sick, her hormone levels were twice as high and with being on the boat. Ugh,
can you even imagine?"

"Um, Alice, I don't have to imagine. I was there for a front row seat. Trust me, it was horrible and even now I
can feel my stomach churning."

Alice broke into a fit of laughter.

"Oh, I'm sorry Bella, I don't mean to laugh, but all I can think about is you trying to be helpful while poor
Charlotte barfs up her guts and then you trying to not do the same. I...I...I'm sorry...really," she gasped out
between peals of laughter.

"Just you wait, Alice Whitlock. We'll see how you laugh when it's you," I teased, trying to hold in my own
laughter.

Weeks later I could see the humor in the situation. I listened as Alice tried to get her laughter under control and
after a minute she calmed down.

"Oh, wow...I don't remember the last time I laughed like that."

"Me either."

A few moments of an uncomfortable silence followed and I had almost worked up the courage to ask her why
she really called when she let out a loud, dramatic sigh.

"So, Bella," she asked, her tone laced with an undercurrent of aggression, "where to next on this little adventure
of yours?"

I hoped I was imagining the tone and chose to ignore the mounting tension.

"That's a really good question, Alice. I didn't actually plan this out..."

That was completely truthful, I hadn't made any kind of master plan. I left London with the idea of heading south
and then just traveling around for a bit, plucking out authors from my head and researching locations for them.
I had some other places in mind, but I also had to see how my savings were fairing. I knew this trip couldn't be
funded indefinitely, but I hadn't yet thought about what I was going to do once it was over. I had been gone for
four months and while my life for so many years had been in Chicago, I didn't know if living in the same city as
Edward would be possible, even if it was the third largest city in America. Alice's voice broke me from my
thoughts.

"Have you thought about how much longer you're going to be gone?" She said, the snippiness clearly coming
though now.

"Well, not really, but I know it can't be too much longer. Alice what..."

97 

 

"You're not coming back to Chicago, are you, Bella?" Alice interrupted.

"I...I don't think I can, Alice," I said, nervous as to her reaction. "Alice, what is this all about?"

"Bella..." her voice trailed off angrily.

Alice was quiet for a few moments, before she let out an exasperated sigh.

"You know what, never mind. It doesn't matter to you anyway."

"No, Alice...what's going on?" I demanded.
"You just...you have no idea, do you? Have to talked to Rose at all about what's been going on here?"

"No, I haven't been able to catch her at a good time. Alice, you're starting to scare me. Is Joshua all right?"

"It's nothing like that, Bella. Josh is fine. It's...it's about Edward."

My throat tightened at her words.

"What do you mean?" I whispered.

"Bella...I don't really know where to start. We have avoided talking about him

for months

and, honestly, I just

don't know what you do and don't want to hear. I mean, you made us promise not to tell him things about you
and your trip while saying you didn't want to hear about him and we have all respected that. So what do you
want to hear, because a lot of shit has gone down and it has everything to do with you."

That was the question, wasn't it? Did I really want to hear that Edward had met some amazing woman and had
changed his life for her and now she was going to live the life that should have been mine? Would it make me
happier to hear that while I was traveling the world he was still doing the same things he did while we were
married and was thus still a miserable person? I swallowed back my fear and answered her.

"I don't either..." I said nervously. I could tell Alice was clearly frustrated with me, but I was confused as to why
she was so angry. "Just tell me the truth, Alice."

"The truth? The truth..."

I heard Alice release a long breath. I was terrified as to what she was going to say so I clenched my eyes tightly
and prayed I would be able to handle what she told me.

"Bella, when you left, something happened to him. He...he broke down. I don't know how else to say it..he
completely self-destructed."

My hand flew to my mouth to hold in the sob that demanded release. A strangled noise broke through.

"It was a few months of hell for him, for all of us really. I think he was finally able to feel something and didn't
know what to do with all of it. He, um...he decided to quit his residency."

I couldn't hold back my horror at hearing that.

98 

 

"What? Oh, Alice! I had no idea. Oh God, oh...this is all my fault. I shouldn't have..."

"Bella! Stop! Edward's actually very happy about it. He's working through things. He started seeing Sue
Clearwater."

I blinked several times, unable to fully process that bit of news.

"What?" I asked incredulously.

"I found her card in a drawer of your, er, his kitchen and we talked about you suggesting the two of you see her.
Bella, I asked him to call her. He needed someone to talk."

I tried to hold in the new strain of anger that was welling inside of me. I knew it was irrational and while there
was a rational part of me that was glad Edward was seeking help, there was another part of me, my heart, that
was so angry that he was doing this now, after I was gone, after we had divorced. The tears started to fall at the
confirmation that I, and our marriage, had not meant enough to him to save.

"Alice..." I sobbed, angry at myself that the pain was actually still so readily brought to the surface.

"Bella, he's trying to get his life together. His decision wasn't easy. It has thrown the family into chaos. My mom
holed up in some spa in Sedona for weeks. She completely freaked out. My dad finally had to go and drag her
back, but she's 'not up for entertaining guests' so I haven't seen her. It's been fucking awful, but we haven't said
anything to you because...well, because you left. You decided you wanted out, so..."

"Alice! You can't think that I don't care."

"What else am I supposed to think, Bella? Edward's life fell into a shambles and you're off gallivanting around the
world, fucking actors and sailing on yachts!"

I sucked in a ragged breath. I wanted to berate her for speaking to me this way, but I realized the position it put
her in. I knew something like this would happen. Loyalties and secrets would be an issue due to Edward being
blood. I might have been her friend, but I was still water...

"Alice, please...this is completely unfair."

"The time for niceties are over, Bella. Someone has to call you on your bullshit. Rose hasn't done it, so I guess
it's going to be me."

"Alice! What the hell has gotten into you?" I cried.

"I'm the one who should be asking 'what the hell', Bella. What the hell are you doing with yourself? What the hell
happens when you can't jump on a plane and just fly somewhere to run away anymore? Do you care about
Edward at all?" she demanded.

I laughed wryly at her words and had enough of her and her accusations.

"How can I not, Alice? He was my entire life for so long. I didn't divorce him because I stopped loving him, I left
because he...

we

just didn't have a connection anymore! We had grown so far apart. I loved him but I felt like it

held no interest to him anymore. He cut me off emotionally,

he left me first

, Alice. My instigating the divorce was

a mere technicality. I was so lost and it was the only thing left to do. This trip was supposed to show me what

99 

 

I had been missing, what I needed to find for myself and...look, Alice, I know you're upset with me about what
happened with Felix. I understand that, but for the first time

in years

I felt wanted. For me! An attractive man

wanted to pay attention

to me

and it wasn't because I was Bella Cullen, I was just 'Bella' to him. I got wrapped

up in being desired. Can you really fault me for that? Edward barely even looked at me for over a year, let alone
touched me. I don't need you making me feel worse about it than I already do at the timing of it all. I'm trying
to figure things out, Alice. My life was completely turned upside down too. I know it was my choice, but fucking
hell, back off a bit, all right?"

"You don't understand what it's been like here without you, Bella. To watch Edward go through this, to see my
family destruct."

"I am sorry for that, Alice, truly I am, but you dumping this all on me is not fair. Edward had a year to deal with
things before I filed for divorce. A fucking year, Alice, and he did nothing. I never wanted to cause pain for you
or your family. You have to know that."

"Bella..."

"No, Alice, I can't believe this is the first I'm hearing about all of this. None of you said anything and I'm really
hurt by it."

We were both silent for a few moments, both stunned at the others outburst. Alice and I never fought like this
before. I had no idea what had brought her to this point and as confused as I was about her harsh words, I knew
she must be terribly upset with the situation back in Chicago to react this strongly.

"Bella, I'm...I didn't mean to come off so bitchy. I'm just hormonal, I must be PMSing or something. We didn't
tell you because you didn't want to know."

"Ally, you have to believe me, I never expected anything like this to happen. I...I thought Edward would
continue on with his life, his plan, and I needed to find something for myself. I know you weren't happy with
everything I did, but, I had no idea you were so mad at me."

"I'm not, really I'm not, Bella. I'm sorry. I...I know my reaction to Felix wasn't the most supportive. I just...I don't
know...fuck, Bella! I don't understand what you are doing! I just feel like you're running away and we're never
going to get you back. I want you to just talk to Edward. He still loves you. You just said you love him too. Fix
this, Bella. Put my family back together again."

I could tell she was crying and as my own tears flowed I felt so horribly to blame for all of this, but I knew there
was nothing I could do that would change any of it.

"I'm sorry...I...I can't do that. It's not that simple." My voice was no higher than a whisper, but I knew she had
heard me.

"He's not the same as when you left, Bella. So much has changed. Please just contact him," she begged.

"What would I even say to him? Edward and I haven't had a real conversation with each other in...I don't even
know how long,

that's

how long it's been," I stated emphatically.

I knew I needed to get out of this conversation quick. Having known Alice for as long as I had I knew that once
she started a quest she rarely relented until she was satisfied she had "won."

100 

 

"I'm sorry, Alice, it's really late here. I can't do this anymore tonight. I..please just give my love to Jasper, okay?"

"Bella...you have to talk to him. Just send him an email, anything to start you two talking again. It's important."

I hated hearing her so miserable and I knew I couldn't leave her just yet. "Why is this so important to you,
Alice?"

I listened to to her rapid breaths and noticed they slowed. Finally Alice spoke.

"I miss my family, Bella...I miss the way we were." Her small voice trailed off and my heart broke for her.

I knew Alice had envisioned things being so differently after she and Jasper were married, and if what she was
saying about Esme was true, her life must be in chaos. Alice's life centered around her parents and siblings. If
things were out of balance, she must be miserable.

"Alice, I'm really very sorry. I know you are upset, but..."

"Bella, please. Please, just think about it."

"I'll...I'll think about it, okay? I'm sorry. It's getting quite late. I do need to say 'goodnight', Alice."

I heard her say goodbye as I ended our call. I tossed my phone angrily on the bed and stalked to the window.
My reflection on the chilled, black glass soon clouded over from my rapid breaths. My thoughts were a swirling
mess after what Alice had told me. This wasn't what I expected at all when I answered the phone. I found myself
wondering about Edward and his decision to leave medicine and the upheaval it must have caused. Alice telling
me that Edward still loved me made my assumption that he was the one that posted the birthday message on
my blog all the more concrete, but what did it truly matter? We were divorced and he was obviously moving on
with his life. I couldn't let an anonymous comment on my blog hold any kind of weight. I slammed my fist against
the window frame frustrated and confused.

How could this be happening? How could he have been so upset at my leaving when he had done nothing to
stop me? I was so angry at him, but strangely I felt a tinge of happiness for him too. Edward had always had this
air of surety about himself. He took the responsibility of following in Carlisle's footsteps very seriously and once
he began medical school his steadfastness to excelling was something no one questioned. I couldn't even
imagine what could have happened to drive Edward to walk away from his medical career. If my leaving had
something to do with that and he was in a better place now, maybe all of this pain and confusion was worth it.
I couldn't deny that Alice's plea for me to contact Edward was weighing on me. I tried to think of the last time
Edward and I had a meaningful discussion. We had left things so...awkwardly the day I signed the divorce
papers and left Chicago. I selfishly wanted to know what led to these massive changes, but was afraid. I didn't
think I could stand further rejection by Edward and if I was completely honest, I didn't think I was truly at a place
where I could think about falling back into a relationship with him either if Alice was correct in her assumption.

A loud yawn forced its way out of my mouth, and looking at the clock I knew no answers would come to me at
this hour of the night. What I longed for most was sleep and a reprieve from the thoughts that consumed me,
so I climbed back into bed and let my exhaustion overtake me.

~*~
The morning dawned with a bight blue sky. I took it as a sign that I was going to put the ugliness of last night
out of my mind and enjoy a beautiful day on the Welsh shore. After a quick shower in my ensuite bathroom, I
hurriedly got dressed and threw my hair up in a messy bun. I grabbed my bag and headed out for the short drive

101 

 

to the ocean, stopping only to pick up a snack for breakfast and a drink. I parked my rental and walked to where
the grasses met the sand and sat down. The rhythmic motion of the Bristol Channel waves lulled me into a
relaxed state as the sun, rare on this October day, warmed me as I laid back and lost myself to my thoughts.
Thoughts that immediately went to Edward.

It's not like thinking of Edward was rare for me. There were always wisps of him swirling through my
consciousness and they usually reflected my moods, but today I kept going back to the knowledge that Edward
was no longer a surgeon. The idea of this was so preposterous to me. What would he do instead? How was he
spending his time? So many questions entered my mind and while I wanted answers I knew I really had no
business asking the questions. Alice was right, I was the one who left. I chose to remove myself from the
situation and while I loved my memories of Edward and who he once was, I couldn't let these feelings take me
backwards. I had to find a way to move beyond this plateau I had found myself on. Edward had made new
decisions for his life and it was truly time I made some decisions about the rest of mine. One thing I was certain
of, I needed a fresh start. I needed to find a new place to call home and start my life again. Returning to Chicago
would not benefit anyone. My stomach felt like lead at this realization, but I really had no choice but to push
thoughts of Edward and my time as a Cullen aside. What Edward did with his life really wasn't my concern
anymore. It was time I stopped hiding.

~*~
I ate dinner alone in the restaurant and while the char-grilled tuna steak was delicious there was a bitter taste
in my mouth that I knew had nothing do to with my food. I had spent the rest of my day in an internal battle with
my guilt over Edward's situation and my desire to move forward, and no matter how I tried I couldn't get the
idea of contacting Edward out of my mind. I tried reading and when I found myself repeating the same passage
countless times I packed up my things and made my way back into town. I toured Dylan Thomas' boathouse
again just for something to distract me, but standing near the estuary, while beautiful, didn't keep my
questioning thoughts at bay. It was only when I was in the middle of eating my main course that I finally
relented and gave myself over to the idea of sending Edward an email. I argued every possible reason I had to
not contact him and I'm sure I looked like a raving lunatic to the other restaurant patrons as I argued to myself,
but due to his complete avoidance we had left things at a rather roughly. I needed to close this chapter properly.
Finally comfortable with this thought, I knew what I had to do. I quickly settled my check and made my way
upstairs to my room.

I changed quickly into my comfortable pajamas and sat down at the writing desk. I opened Mail and started a
new message. I stared at the empty block of space for a few minutes before I gently placed my fingers on the
keyboard and began to type.

Dear Edward,

Hello. I bet I'm the last person you expected to hear from, but I spoke briefly with Alice yesterday and she

mentioned you have made some changes in your life. Please don't be upset with her. She called to find out about

how I was doing and our conversation led her to explain that you decided to leave your residency and medicine

all together . I hope this is a decision that is bringing you some peace. I was shocked to hear this news, but I do

truly wish you happiness in your life. Through all of this, I never wanted you to suffer, Edward. I hope you

believe me.

I want you to know that my decision to leave was truly what I thought was best for both of us. If it caused you

pain, that was not my intent. It was truly the only thing I could do at the time and I realize we both need to move

forward from here. Please know that I am wishing you well, as I will always. I hope you have found something

that will lead you where you are supposed to be in your life.

102 

 

Please take care of yourself.

Bella

I reread the email at least twenty times until the words no longer made sense. Realizing it was now or never, I
hit send and heard the little "whoosh" sound as the email began its journey across the ocean. I closed the lid of
my laptop and walked to the window and rested my head against the darkened pane. I could just barely hear the
waves crashing on the shore and let myself get lost in their rhythm. Spending time in the sleepy fishing
community had triggered deep feelings of nostalgia. I had come to realize that I had missed the ocean so much
during my time in the Midwest. Growing up in Forks and spending time at Rialto and First Beaches had been such
a major part of my life. I began to feel the chill radiating off the glass and let it cool the burning trail of my tears
as I wrapped my arms around myself and my isolation. I let the sobs take me as I realized I had finally closed
the book on Edward and myself and now knew what I had to do...I had to go home, back to Forks, the only
home I had left.

~*~

A/N: Before you fillet me, it's only been four months and that's way too soon for them to be back together. Bella

hasn't really done much of anything to address her life and Edward has a long way to go to figure himself out

too.